The TOOLBOX is a place to nurture and redefine yourself after being involved (or while currently involved ) in a non-nurturing or unsupportive relationship.
This site is about recognizing how someone’s neglect, emotional absence, mental illness, or distorted thinking affects you and applying new insights to improve your life.
This is a safe space to learn skills and strategies to change yourself, and your relationships, challenge your thinking, and take back your personal power. It’s a place to begin healing and moving forward from the effects of emotionally absent people, unsupportive relationships, narcissists, and self-focused mothers aka “Lemon Moms.”
What’s a Lemon Mom? A Lemon Mom may be on the narcissism spectrum or may have full-blown, diagnosable Narcissistic Personality Disorder. She lacks the capacity to bond with her children, and they grow up feeling “not good enough,” confused, unloved, misunderstood, unimportant, or invisible, that they “don’t matter” or have no influence. As adults they continue disliking, ignoring, or neglecting themselves, taking unnecessary risks, and being attracted to people who aren’t good for them. They minimize themselves so that others can feel good, and they stay in hurtful relationships, and put themselves last, if at all.
On this site, diagnoses are irrelevant! If someone’s personality traits negatively impact your life or cause you pain, that’s what’s important to realize and change.
You don’t need a professional diagnosis to determine a relationship is unhealthy, or make positive changes for yourself.
I wrote the book “Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism” (and the rest of the Lemon Moms series) to safely walk others through the chaos and confusion of narcissistic behavior; what it is, what it does, and how to recover from its devastating effects. I include personal examples and action-oriented steps that you can start taking today. I teach how to decode crazy-making behavior, and use healthy skills and strategies to begin healing so you can move forward into your best life.
The information provided here is based on my education, professional and personal experiences with domestic violence and abuse, my personal healing journey, and lots of current research.
I hope you enjoy reading and learning what’s here. I especially hope that you celebrate your progress and keep moving forward in your own healing journey.
I urge you to do the work.
Diane Metcalf
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Many of us who’ve been affected by relational trauma have ugly scars on our hearts. We may see ourselves as victims, or feel helpless or stuck. But living in a state of victimhood is damaging; it keeps us focused on our limitations and leads us into giving up our personal power.
Here’s the thing: recovering from relational trauma is the opposite of victimhood; it involves reclaiming our power, setting healthy boundaries for ourselves, and making choices based on our needs, wants, and what is good for us.
Healing from relational trauma is a bittersweet journey that requires patience, self-compassion, and doing healing work in a judgment-free zone. Every person’s healing process is unique. It’s essential to do this work without applying restrictions, expectations, or a time frame. There will be unexpected insights and discoveries along the way requiring exploration and healing.
THE BITTERSWEET JOURNEY OF HEALING FROM RELATIONAL TRAUMA: EMBRACING UNPREDICTABILITY AND SELF-COMPASSION
It’s critical to acknowledge that the healing process is unique for each of us, and cannot be predetermined or compared with others’ journeys. And creating an accepting, judgment-free zone for ourselves is crucial because healing requires effort, courage, and vulnerability. Our recovery is not simply the “after” that follows the “before,” it is much more than that. Recovery involves deep-diving into and reframing painful experiences to add depth and new significance to our personal stories. We wouldn’t be who we are without these experiences. Doing this work requires reflection, insight, emotion, time, and effort, so it’s beneficial to be kind to ourselves as we learn and grow.
DISCLOSING PERSONAL ASPECTS OF RELATIONSHIPS: TO SHARE OR NOT TO SHARE?
As we’re healing, it’s important to be careful when disclosing personal aspects of our relationships. Sharing our thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and ideas with people who are currently in unhealthy relationships themselves or haven’t recovered from their own traumatic or hurtful relationships can either trigger us or lead them to respond inappropriately or hurtfully. As we recover, we will naturally become better at discerning whom we can trust with our openness. After healing, we understand that emotionally healthy people are the ones who can respectfully hear and accept us without their sense of self becoming threatened.
WHAT HEALING IS, AND IS NOT
Healing is not a process of erasing pain and memories. It requires effort, courage, and the ability to reframe painful experiences to create a new outlook and meaning for us. When we’ve healed, scars from our past may be a permanent reminder, but they do not continue to define us. They are now just a small, faded part of our unique history.
Recuperating from emotional abuse, neglect or mistreatment requires us to be willing to become new and better versions of ourselves. Being willing to forgive ourselves is a vital part of this process because we might have unknowingly, or knowingly, hurt others as a result of our unhealed or unacknowledged wounds. Throughout the healing process, we regain the ability to trust ourselves, make sound decisions, and trust others.
THINKING VS. FEELING
Thinking and feeling are distinct and separate approaches for relating to our environment, experiences, and memories.
Thinking about and remembering what happened to us doesn’t promote healing. That’s where many of us get stuck. Real healing requires more than educating ourselves or revisiting old memories. It takes more than adding new practices to our lives, like affirmations, meditation, or prayer. Those are all great for personal growth and for gaining insight, and I think it’s beneficial for us to do any or all of those things. But in my experience, they’re not enough to truly promote recovery.
Here’s my point: all of those are done on a conscious level.
THE DEEP DIVE: REFRAMING PAINFUL EXPERIENCES IN THE RECOVERY PROCESS
The process of healing emotional wounds cannot be achieved through cognitive processes like thought, reasoning, and logic alone. Healing emotional wounds requires feeling. It’s crucial to feel what we’re doing instead of trying to think our way into recovery. While it’s important to use our cognitive abilities to learn and understand, we must also do the “feeling” work because attempting to heal on a conscious level, using rationalization, can lead to the same pain, confusion, and frustration we experienced when it was happening. It’s like running on a treadmill and going nowhere. Re-experiencing sorrow, confusion, and anger with a new perspective and understanding can promote healing because our emotional wounds reside in our subconscious. It makes sense to address the wounds where they live.
Dodging the healing process can heighten emotional triggers, perpetuating a cycle of self-avoidance; hiding from and denying our pain any time the pain is felt. We might turn to substances or activities to avoid feeling our pain; alcohol, drugs, food, sex, shopping, or gambling. Almost anything can serve as a distraction. The result is that nothing gets healed, and our pain and emotional triggers continue to grow.
If the idea of re-experiencing any part of your past is frightening or concerning to you, then seeking professional help is recommended. Please seek help from a licensed abuse recovery expert. Finding a licensed abuse recovery expert who specializes in your specific trauma can provide validation, knowledge, and safety to aid you in your healing journey. It takes courage and wisdom to seek professional help, especially when you’ve experienced significant pain.
So now the question is, are you ready to take back your personal power and make a huge perspective shift to begin healing?
First, consider how healing may change your personality, goals, and relationships. Healing reframes painful experiences and provides an opportunity for personal growth. Healing restores our capacity to trust ourselves and others. How do these potential changes make you feel?
I think it’s important to also mention that healing means getting comfortable with others detaching from us. As we begin to understand that we can’t control how others perceive us, we organically let go of the idea that we need others’ validation in our healing journey. We accept that our healing process is a self-focused and insightful time that belongs only to us and becomes part of our life experience. The people you lose during the healing process were meant to be with unhealed you.
As you’re doing your healing work, it’s important to acknowledge every breakthrough and celebrate your progress toward living a healthier life with intact boundaries. The process of healing may be painful, but developing a healthy self-concept and outlook, along with new life skills, and enforceable boundaries are the ultimate goals. With time, healed individuals will easily recognize narcissists and toxic people and handle them accordingly.
It’s a journey of progress, not perfection.
You’ve got this.
Could you be feeling the effects of Narcissism Awareness Grief? Download thefree chapter to find out:
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I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self, Workbook and Journal, by Diane Metcalf
Experience the power of self-affirmation: using positive statements to improve well-being and performance. Learn research-based steps to write the most effective affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things.
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About the Author
As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping and healing strategies. She happily shares those with those who want to learn and grow in their own recovery journies.
Diane is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer on narcissism, family dysfunction, and abuse. She draws from her personal childhood experiences, as well as her work in human service fields like domestic violence and partner abuse. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.
Her transformational books about healing and moving forward include the highly praised “Lemon Moms” series. This emotionally supportive collection explains narcissistic traits and teaches how to reconcile past hurts to begin self-nurturing, healing, and moving forward.
We know that narcissists demand attention and admiration, will take advantage, and feel contempt for others, but did you know they also lack empathy?
Empathy is “the ability to understand another person’s thoughts and feelings from their point of view, rather than your own” (acuityinsights 2020). When we’re empathetic, we actively share in a person’s emotional experience. That’s different from sympathy, when we feel concerned about another’s suffering but maintain our emotional distance.
Narcissists often reveal this deficiency during times of crisis, conflict, or high stress. When they’re pressured or stressed, controlling emotions becomes more difficult, and the absence of empathy is obvious. If you observe, you’ll notice that any high-pressure situation demonstrates how shallow their emotional connections really are. There is a noticeable lack of empathy, or caring, about others’ well-being.
Narcissists’ emotions are often unstable, intense, and out of proportion to the situation. They are often described as being “challenging” to interact with. They can be defensive, envious, manipulative, and condescending, and they believe they “know everything.” It is crucial for them to appear as prestigious, powerful, and superior. They’re extremely susceptible to criticism and shame and protect their sense of self, the false face/false self, at any cost, including using aggression or physical abuse.
In previous posts, I talked about the importance of validation for healthy communication. Validating others in a conversation shows that you are listening and want to understand their feelings and perspectives, even when you disagree. Because narcissists need to feel superior and “right” in every situation, they’re not interested in hearing or understanding your point of view. This, combined with their lack of empathy, means that a narcissist will not be able to validate you.
Narcissists believe that every nasty thing they do is justified or is someone else’s fault. They can’t experience remorse because remorsefulness requires empathy, sympathy, and taking responsibility for actions.
They don’t feel guilt, and so will not apologize for their actions. To feel guilty, one must feel bothempathy and remorse and also own up to hurtful actions. These are all outside of a narcissist’s emotional skillset.
Narcissism has no known cure, but those on the narcissism spectrum don’t usually seek therapy because they don’t think they need it. If they seek treatment, it’s generally because it’s been requested (or mandated) by a third party or is personally sought because of interpersonal or professional difficulty or conflict.
NPD Personality Traits
Narcissists hold a distorted self-image and have “high-conflict” personalities. They do things that most of us would not, such as thoughtlessly spending other people’s money, humiliating a child in public, sabotaging a coworker, or verbally attacking a stranger (Eddy 2018).
They consider themselves superior and are comfortable with “putting down,” insulting, and demeaning others in order to feel powerful or boost their self-image. They tend to be selfish and do not reciprocate kind gestures or invitations. They’re demanding, needing almost constant admiration and attention from anyone in their vicinity (this is called obtaining narcissistic supply).
Additionally, they waste time trying to impress anyone who will listen. They break promises, make excuses, and take credit for others’ ideas or work. They enjoy bullying and are willing to speak disapprovingly of someone behind their back but only have positive things to say in their presence. All of these traits can make narcissists exhausting for those of us who live and work with them.
So Why is Empathy Important?
When talking about narcissism, it’s important to understand what the term “empathy” means and the role it plays in a narcissist’s relationship dynamics. A lack of empathy can be described as “unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others.” This lack is a characteristic of narcissism. The lack of empathy is a big red flag.
In the field of social psychology, it is understood that there are two kinds of empathy:cognitive and emotional. When we feel an emotion that someone else is feeling, it is emotional empathy, the ability to put ourselves in another person’s place and feel what they’re feeling. If you see someone crying, and it makes you feel sad, you’re experiencing emotional empathy.
What Does Emotional Empathy Require?
To feel emotional empathy, a person must have the ability to:
Feel the same emotion as another person (for example, seeing someone embarrass themselves and feeling embarrassed for them.)
Feel distressed in response to another person’s feelings
Feel compassion for another person
Feeling emotional empathy can be extremely distressing. When we feel pain resulting from somebody else’s emotions, it can shake us. There’s also a balance to be sought and maintained when it comes to feeling for others. We can’t allow our empathy for others to negatively impact our own lives.
Narcissists are more likely to use cognitive empathy rather than emotional empathy. It’s essential to understand the difference (Baskin-Sommers, Krusemark, and Ronningstam 2014).
Cognitive empathy is the ability to have an intellectual understanding that someone may be feeling a particular emotion while not feeling anything in response to this knowledge. Narcissists are able to see another’s perspective and respond in a manner that most benefits them. This requires a rudimentary understanding and basic knowledge of emotions (Hodges and Myers, 2007).
When a narcissist uses a simple visual perspective to guess what someone’s feeling, they’re using cognitive empathy. In other words, if they can look at a person and notice that their eyes are swollen and red, probably from crying, they may correctly guess that the person is feeling sad. This type of empathy has nothing to do with actually feeling anything themselves. So, if a narcissist knows someone well enough, they can guess how that person feels, and they’ll also have a pretty good idea of how to use that information to hurt that individual too.
Daniel Goleman (author of the book “Emotional Intelligence”), writes in his blog that torturers need to have a good sense of cognitive empathy to figure out how to hurt a person best.
Similarly, if a narcissist acts kindly, they may be feeling around for hopes, wishes, and dreams to use later to inflict pain intentionally. They can’t understand how we feel, but they know that they’re in control at that moment and have the power to hurt us.
A notable point of interest here is the consideration of an “empathy gene.” The gene was first referenced in research published in Translational Psychiatry on March 12, 2018, and is said to be the most extensive genetic study done on empathy to date. The study found that our degree of empathy is at least partly due to genetics.
Could you be feeling the effects of Narcissism Awareness Grief? Download thefree chapter to find out:
from Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism
How the False Face Imitates Empathy
The false face can imitate emotions and empathy, which is great for narcissists because they appear to be kind, caring, and compassionate. But secretly, the false face is threatened by anything perceived as criticism, and narcissists are terribly concerned with how other’s think about and understand them. The false self is typically anxious, judgmental, and insecure overall. At the same time, it believes it is more acceptable and lovable than the real self. Narcissists don’t like themselves and can’t accept their authentic selves.
Because the false face allows narcissists to appear kind, compassionate, and empathetic, they’re highly invested in preserving this image. It’s important for them to keep the false face intact and “on” at any cost. The people in a narcissist’s environment will always serve as a form of narcissistic supply, manipulated into feeding this false image, enabling the charade to continue.
Most narcissists will never know whether they’re on the NPD spectrum or have full-blown NPD because they don’t seek treatment and will never benefit from a professional diagnosis. They believe their problems are caused by others and don’t accept personal responsibility. They are blamers, so they are not able to see their own role in any of their interpersonal problems.
Tools to Move Forward
Learn about codependency and unhealthy survival skills learned in childhood
Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.
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for instant information, support, and validation!
I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self, Workbook and Journal, by Diane Metcalf
Experience the power of self-affirmation: using positive statements to improve well-being and performance. Learn research-based steps to write the most effective affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things.
Get the TOOLBOX posts twice monthly in your inbox!
About the Author
As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping and healing strategies. She happily shares those with those who want to learn and grow in their own recovery journies.
Diane is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer on narcissism, family dysfunction, and abuse. She draws from her personal childhood experiences, as well as her work in human service fields like domestic violence and partner abuse. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.
Her transformational books about healing and moving forward include the highly praised “Lemon Moms” series. This emotionally supportive collection explains narcissistic traits and teaches how to reconcile past hurts to begin self-nurturing, healing, and moving forward.
While there’s nothing magical about January 1st, every new year still brings a sense of hope, motivation, inspiration, and a fresh start.
NOT GOOD ENOUGH
Those of us who grew up in an atmosphere of blaming, shaming, humiliating, intimidating, manipulating, mocking, sarcasm, or lying, felt confused, socially awkward, “less than,” and probably not “good enough.” Growing up in a family with unhealthy dynamics meant that we repeatedly and consistently got the message that everyone else’s needs were more important than our own.
When we carry these thoughts or beliefs into adulthood, we easily become action-takers and “fixers,” people-pleasers who attempt to control outcomes and solve other people’s problems. We take responsibilities that aren’t ours, and we may get a lot of satisfaction from acquiring these “projects”—always helping, forever putting our own needs, wants, and to-do’s last, if at all. We feel unloved and resentful, and we don’t understand why.
Growing up in an oppressive environment meant we couldn’t freely express our feelings or ask questions because no one was interested in them, or it didn’t feel safe to do so. As adults, it is hard for us to talk about personal things or have difficult discussions, and we avoid conflict at all costs.
If we carry the unconscious core belief that we’re somehow fundamentally flawed or undeserving of kindness and love, we may willingly but unintentionally become the dumping ground for others’ emotional garbage. Though we don’t like it, we might unconsciously believe that we don’t deserve anything better than the kind of treatment we endured as kids.
Growing up in a toxic or neglectful environment can create problems that can last a lifetime.
“The conflict between the will to deny horrible events and the will to proclaim them aloud is the central dialectic of psychological trauma.”
—Judith Lewis Herman, Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence—From Domestic Abuse to Political Terror
THE IMPORTANCE OF VALIDATION
Validation is the act of recognizing or affirming someone’s feelings or thoughts as being sound or worthwhile. The act of validating is an essential aspect of parenting because it opens the door to safe communication. Feeling heard and understood allows people to trust, which is a cornerstone of every relationship.
A validating mother listens to what her child is saying. She understands that her child has their own emotions and thoughts, even if she doesn’t necessarily agree with them. Validation is a nonjudgmental and supportive action that requires empathy.
When a child falls and skins her knee, a validating mother will understand that the crying child is in pain and requires some form of caretaking or soothing to feel better. The remedy could simply be a verbal expression of empathy and understanding, (acknowledging that the child is hurting), or hugging and kissing her, or applying antibiotic ointment and a Band-Aid. The point is that this child knows she’s been heard, understood, cared for, and loved. She feels worthy of her mom’s time and effort and believes she’s valued. This is validation. The mother may not think the injury is as severe as the child may believe, but she doesn’t judge. She accepts how the child feels; she doesn’t minimize or negate her child’s feelings.
A validating mother would say something like, “Wow! You’re really crying hard! Your knee must hurt a lot. Let’s see if I can make you feel better.”
In 2016, an observational study was done to see if a relationship existed between a mother’s emotional validation and the degree of awareness her child has about their own emotions. They found that the mother’s degree of emotional validation and invalidation were accurate predictors of the child’s perception of their own emotional state. In other words, a child’s ability to recognize their own emotions comes from being validated by their mother first. (Lambie and Lindberg 2016).
If our mother doesn’t “see us” and validate us as individuals who have thoughts, feelings, and goals of our own, we may start thinking, feeling, or believing that we don’t matter. If we establish this mindset as children, that we’re not good enough, or that it’s OK to be mistreated or unloved, or ignored, then we don’t learn how to validate ourselves. We don’t know how to comfortably acknowledge our positive characteristics or our personal or professional accomplishments, either.
Of course, we may receive validation from other people besides our mothers. Caring adults, older siblings, or a father can affirm and support us too. But being approved of and understood by our mother is a unique and vital experience.
Because validation requires empathy, narcissists will not be able to perform this responsibility.
As I mentioned before, if we haven’t experienced what it’s like to be treated as unique beings who matter, we may form the belief that others’ needs are more important than our own. This is important to note because a belief is created when our feelings become connected with our thoughts (Lamia 2012).
Without examining our original childhood beliefs, we may simply bring them along with us into adulthood, even though they’re no longer relevant, are self-limiting, and are untrue.
When I was four years old, I was alone outside, barefoot, and stubbed my bare big toe; it bled, and my little self knew it was the worst pain I’d ever experienced. I was appalled by the hanging flap of skin and I was understandably frightened.
On this particular day, in response to my limping into the house wailing and interrupting her TV show, my mother angrily grabbed my forearm and hauled me into the bathroom. She proceeded to run water over my foot, adding a whole new dimension of unexpected stinging pain. The entire time, she furiously and loudly berated and humiliated me for running (I wasn’t running), “not looking where you’re going,” and for not knowing “how to walk without hurting myself.” I’d dared to lack the focus and navigational skill required and had burdened her with my injury.
There was no kiss, no hug, no feeling of being understood or valued, cared for, or even loved. There was no Band-Aid. Just continuous berating and humiliating, which ended with an admonishment to be more careful next time and not let it happen again. I was sent back outside, still not knowing what I had done wrong and trying to figure it out, feeling ashamed of myself and embarrassed by my inability to negotiate the walkway safely. I rejected others’ empathy or sympathy for my injury and redirected their attention to anything other than myself. I didn’t feel worthy of anyone’s concern or kindness.
To this day, remembering this event confounds me. Over the years, I’ve explained it in various ways. But the explanation that rings most true is that this must have been a narcissistic injury for my mother. A narcissistic injury is anything that threatens the ‘false self.’ Her rage at me for falling made no sense, and she flipped the scenario to make herself the victim: because of me, she had to get off her chair, miss a portion of her TV show (that was the time before VCRs and DVRs,) and treat my wound. She was angry because I “should have known better” than to cause her this inconvenience.
When I became a mother, I was incredibly aware that I wanted to raise my children very differently than I was. I knew that I sorely lacked healthy parenting skills and parent role models. I wanted to learn how to parent lovingly and responsibly. I needed to learn proper parenting techniques, and I tried to find healthy mother role models to imitate. I was on the lookout for them everywhere I went.
I remember sitting on my porch when my neighbor’s young child fell and hurt herself. The child’s mother ran over and scooped her up, sat her on a step, and examined her bleeding knee. I watched them very carefully. I saw the mother gently blow on the knee, (I had never seen this done before, and thought it probably minimized the sting.) I later learned from the mom that she applied antiseptic, administered a chewable painkiller, and applied a cheerful Band-Aid. The little girl was outside playing again in a matter of minutes. That mom was a validating mother. She affirmed her child in a kind and loving manner, and that was the kind of mother I wanted to be.
Here’s my point: If we don’t learn that we’re unique people who matter simply because we exist, and if we don’t know how to identify our emotions because we’ve never learned how we’re at risk of developing unhealthy coping mechanisms. We may have a hard time accepting when someone likes or tries to befriend us, and we question why they would want to. If someone does something kind for us, we may assume it’s a form of manipulation, or we may be confused by it. When our emotional, psychological, or physical needs go unmet, we often find other ways (possibly harmful or maladaptive) to get by.
PERSONAL LIMITS
When we grow up in an oppressive or toxic environment, we don’t know that there are ways to protect ourselves from mistreatment. We may grow into adults who unconsciously broadcast the message that we exist to be of service to others and that it doesn’t matter how they treat us. As adults, we may accept disrespect, unfair or unkind treatment, and even physical, verbal, and emotional abuse.
If we haven’t seen healthy boundaries modeled, then we don’t know what a healthy boundary looks like or how to create one, so we become hypervigilant instead. This means that a brain structure called the amygdala stores threatening behavior patterns in our memory, causing our focus becomes external. So we focus on others’ behavior and moods, continually alert and ready for anything. This is the fight-flight-freeze response which contributes heavily to C-PTSD, an anxiety disorder caused by trauma.
This preoccupation with focusing on others also contributes to becoming codependent.
INTRODUCING: CODEPENDENCE
When we have low self-worth, it’s natural to feel that we’re not good enough to ask for what we want or need. Instead, we learn to use subtle forms of manipulation to get our needs met. This is a learned survival skill. It developed out of necessity. In order for us to feel emotionally or physically safe, it feels necessary to control as much of our environment as we can in an attempt to avoid nasty surprises. Feeling like we’re in control makes us feel safe. We begin managing aspects of others’ lives, and may even believe that we’re emotionally stronger, more capable, and better at it than they are. When we spend more time taking care of or focusing on others, or when we try to control the outcomes of others’ choices or behavior, we become codependent.
Codependency develops as a self-protective response. It’s a way of coping with a stressful or unhealthy, traumatic, or abusive environment and can be learned by watching and imitating other codependents too. It’s a learned behavior that can be passed down through generations.
Codependents willingly play by others’ “rules,” losing their own identity. It affects a person’s ability to have healthy, mutually satisfying adult relationships.
If we’re codependent, we most likely believe that we know what’s best for other people and their lives, and we think we know how to fix their problems. We want them to follow our unsolicited advice and are often hurt or angered when they don’t.
To a codependent, helping and fixing other people or their problems feels good. They feel needed and are highly attracted to people who could use their help. Codependents enjoy offering suggestions and advice even though they haven’t been asked for them. If we’re codependent, we feel responsible for people and issues that aren’t our responsibility, and if we don’t attempt to help, fix, or control, we often feel guilty or ashamed. It feels wrong not to jump in, take charge, or aid others who seem to be struggling, even though they haven’t reached out for assistance. We seem to have no choice but to take responsibilities that aren’t ours. We just feel that somehow, it’s our job to take action, take over, and fix.
If we’re codependent, we most likely don’t have boundaries. We disclose almost everything we think and do and assume we won’t be believed. We overexplain our choices because if we’ve not enjoyed our mother’s validation (or if we’ve been continually invalidated), we still crave to be heard, understood, and affirmed. We’ll continuously seek affirmation outside of ourselves to feel “good enough” or that we matter. This is called “external validation,” and codependents seek external validation and affirmation any way they can get it. It’s often described as being needy, “clingy,” or insecure.
Codependents continually look for someone to please. We feel the need to make excuses for others’ mistreatment of us or their poor behavior in general. We explain to ourselves why they’re abusing us and why it’s OK for them to do so. We often take the blame. We minimize and deny the pain they cause us. Codependents are known for their discomfort with saying “no.”
Healthy coping mechanisms, on the other hand, help us to make sense of confusing or threatening life experiences and to respond appropriately in wholesome ways. You’ve heard the saying “when life gives you lemons, make lemonade”? Well, that’s a coping skill: taking something negative and turning it into a positive. In reality, nothing has changed. Life has still given us lemons, but instead of getting angry, depressed, or feeling slighted or misunderstood, we choose to look at it another way. When we use healthy coping, we’re able to reframe negative events in a way that feels better.
STARTING FRESH
Looking at our past can be difficult for many reasons. First of all, it hurts. Secondly, we may think it’s pointless because it happened so long ago. But if you’re affected by or struggling with self-esteem, self-confidence, lack of boundaries, anger, or another issue, it could be worthwhile to revisit the past with a therapist, trauma counselor, or other mental health professional. See where and when these issues started and make a treatment plan to resolve them. The second step is doing that work to heal and move forward. The key is getting started.
Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.
Private Facebook group included for members only.
Get the TOOLBOX APP
for instant information, support, and validation!
I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self, Workbook and Journal, by Diane Metcalf
Experience the power of self-affirmation: using positive statements to improve well-being and performance. Learn research-based steps to write the most effective affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things.
Get the TOOLBOX posts twice monthly in your inbox!
About the Author
As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping and healing strategies. She happily shares those with those who want to learn and grow in their own recovery journies.
Diane is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer on narcissism, family dysfunction, and abuse. She draws from her personal childhood experiences, as well as her work in human service fields like domestic violence and partner abuse. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.
Her transformational books about healing and moving forward include the highly praised “Lemon Moms” series. This emotionally supportive collection explains narcissistic traits and teaches how to reconcile past hurts to begin self-nurturing, healing, and moving forward.
If you’re familiar with my work, you know that during childhood, my mother used the fear of abandonment to control me. She threatened to give me away, put me in an orphanage, or send me to live with my father, whom she repeatedly said: “didn’t love us or want anything to do with us.”
I lived in constant fear of doing the “right thing,” whatever the right thing was at any particular time. “The right thing” could and did change without warning, so I needed to remain constantly alert for changes in her tone of voice, behavior, and in our home environment.
My mom parented by blaming, shaming, intimidating, threatening, and physically punishing me. In my earliest years, I learned that I was somehow to blame for everything that displeased her. Second-guessing and doubting myself became my way of life. I felt like a burden, believing that I made her life harder simply because I existed. I stayed out of her way as much as possible. I felt lonely and alone.
Mother shared thoughts and feelings with me in frightening, highly emotionally charged, biased, and inappropriate ways. Gaslighting and the resulting cognitive dissonance distorted my perceptions and beliefs, but the cruelest thing of all was the name-calling. The gaslighting made me doubt my senses and distrust my mind, but the name-calling shredded my still-developing self-confidence and self-esteem,
THE POWER OF WORDS
Words matter. Written words and spoken words all matter. It matters what people say to you, and it matters what you say to yourself. For example, suppose you live with a narcissist or toxic person (or have one in your life). In that case, you already know that it negatively affects how you think about yourself, what you tell yourself, and how you treat yourself.
Her words and my already negative self-talk combined to confirm my beliefs; that I was unlovable, would never be good enough and didn’t matter.
This combination of negative self-talk and limiting beliefs kept me in a state of learned helplessness. Eventually, as an adult, I woke up to the fact that I was stuck. I’d been repeating the same hurtful relationship patterns throughout my adult life and wondering why I was unhappy. Finally, I realized that something had to change. So, among other things, I started examining, questioning and then changing my unsupportive inner dialogue into supportive, positive self-talk. My limiting beliefs began to fade away. As I started thinking differently about myself, my self-concept changed. My opinions about myself changed. I changed.
HOW’S YOUR SELF-TALK?
Have you ever really observed how you talk to yourself? Some of us are not very nice to ourselves, and others are just plain abusive. What kinds of things do you say to yourself? Is your self-talk positive and loving? Or maybe you beat yourself up and tell yourself hurtful things?
Have you ever tried talking to yourself as you would speak with a friend? How would that feel? Try being understanding, considerate, and kind to yourself. You would do that for your friend, right? You would encourage her, or him or them, wouldn’t you? You can start doing the same for yourself right now. Acknowledging your feelings about yourself when you make a mistake or struggle and choosing to comfort and care for yourself is called “self-compassion.” Self-compassion promotes positive, healthy self-care practices and a healthy mindset, which help to heal codependency.
It’s not surprising to know that what we tell ourselves is linked to how we feel about ourselves. Changing your self-talk from an unsupportive inner dialogue to an uplifting and proactive one brings about positive change. But if you beat yourself up for perceived failures or shortcomings, how does that help you? Does it motivate you to change? Does it keep you feeling bad and keep you stuck? How is it different from how your narcissistic mother treated you?
Do you tell yourself, “I’m just _______,” or “I’ve just always been this way,” or “that’s just how I’ve always been”? I have a couple of things to say about these types of comments: first, stop using the word “just.” When you add “just,” it implies that what you’re saying has low significance. It sounds apologetic and meek. Don’t believe me? Take the word “just” out of your self-talk. Say it with and without the word “just.” Do you see how it feels different? Are you more confident? Empowered? Serious? You tell me.
And what we say to ourselves isn’t only a description of what we believe about ourselves; it is a command. Your self-talk TELLS your mind what to think about you! When you tell yourself, “this is just who I am,” “I’ve always been _______,” or “I’ve always done ______,” it implies that there’s no room for change. These statements tell your brain, “this is it. This is final. There is no more.” Why would you want to do that? Chances are, you don’t know you’re doing it, and this is where self-awareness comes in. Start becoming aware of how you speak to yourself and the words that you use. Notice and take note for future reference.
Now, give yourself a break. You’re a human being, and no human being has ever been or will ever be perfect. Perfection doesn’t exist. Instead of comparing yourself to a non-existent standard, try focusing on your progress.
Results happen over time. Making positive life change is aboutprogress, not perfection. Encourage yourself the way you’d encourage your friend or a small child. Tell yourself, “You’ve got this!” and eventually, you will get it! Be patient with yourself. It takes time to learn new things. Treating yourself with kindness, patience, and compassion does a lot towards reparenting yourself and healing your inner child too.
ACTION TIME
Thinking about and remembering what happened in our childhoods doesn’t promote healing. That’s where many of us get stuck. Recovery requires more than reading, educating ourselves, and revisiting old memories. It requires action: getting in touch with our feelings, prioritizing self-care, dumping limiting beliefs, learning to set boundaries and enforce them, learning new ways of communicating, increasing self-esteem and self-confidence, doing inner child and reparenting work, and emotionally detaching.
It means doing the work, and I believe it begins with changing our unconscious negative self-talk.
Until I began my healing journey in earnest, I continued to attract toxic people and exercise my codependency. I fixed and helped others without their invitation to do so. I felt resentful when they ignored my advice or were unappreciative of my help. It makes no sense, right? It didn’t feel great, either.
Reading, researching, and working through assorted therapies eventually led me into Narcissism Awareness Grief. Once there, I finally came to terms with my childhood experiences and learned how, unhealed, they affected my adult relationships. I worked through the stages and continued learning coping skills like setting boundaries, emotionally detaching, improving self-care, and practicing strategic communication. As I found my voice and spoke my truth, my confidence and self-esteem grew. I began feeling whole and worthy for the first time in my life.
Narcissism specialists say that we have two choices when dealing with narcissists and those on the narcissism spectrum: live on their terms or go “no contact.” I suggest we have a third option: walk through the chaos and confusion armed with new coping skills, protected by boundaries, speaking our truth, and enjoying life as our true selves.
I talk about codependency a lot in Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism. Codependency is at the very core of the changes we must make to heal from any kind of mistreatment or abuse.
Codependency is described as a set of maladaptive coping and survival skills. They are typically learned in childhood from feeling unsafe in the home environment or when with certain people. Living with real or perceived threats made it necessary for those who grew up like this to monitor our settings and control people and outcomes as best we could. It eventually felt natural to do this, and it became a way of life. Codependency can also be learned by imitating other codependents. It can be passed down through generations. This is known as “generational trauma.”
If we’re codependent, we grew up to be “people-pleasers.” We willingly play by the rules of others, losing our identity in the process. We rely on others for a sense of identity, approval, or affirmation. We support and “enable” others in their addictions, mental illness, immaturity, irresponsibility, or underachievement.
When we’re bogged down in codependency, it’s impossible to know our true, authentic selves. By using affirmations, we can become aware of our codependent thoughts and behavior and replace them with healthy, functional ones. We can finally connect with our authentic selves.
HOW AFFIRMATIONS WORK
Connecting with our authentic selves requires doing the necessary work to uncover our true selves for the first time. We can do this with affirmations.
Affirmations remind us of who we are when we are our authentic selves. By following our intuition, writing, and speaking positive affirmations, we can begin honoring and eventually becoming our true selves. Affirmations help us to find ourselves and create the best lives possible.
A POSITIVE MINDSET
Affirmations are designed to promote an optimistic mindset; they have been shown to reduce the tendency to dwell on negative experiences (Wiesenfeld et al., 2001.) Optimism is a powerful perception! When we replace negative thoughts with positive ones, we are creating a whole new narrative around “who we are” and what we can accomplish.
AFFIRMATION THEORY
There are three fundamental ideas involved in self-affirmation theory. Correctly written affirmations work according to this theory:
By using positive affirmations, we can change our self-identity. Affirmations reinforce a newly created self-narrative; we become flexible and capable of adapting to different conditions (Cohen & Sherman, 2014.) Now, instead of viewing ourselves in a fixed or rigid way (for example, as “lazy”), we are flexible in our thoughts. We can adopt a broader range of “identities” and roles and define things like “success” differently. We can view various aspects of ourselves as positive and adapt to different situations more easily (Aronson, 1969.)
Self-identity is not about being exceptional, perfect, or excellent (Cohen & Sherman, 2014). Instead, we need to be competent and adequate in areas that we value (Steele, 1988.)
We maintain self-integrity by behaving in ways that genuinely deserve acknowledgment and praise. We say an affirmation because we want to integrate that particular personal value into our own identity.
THE RESEARCH
Claude Steele, a social psychologist and emeritus professor at Stanford University, promoted self-affirmation theory in the late 1980s (Steele, C. M. 1988, Cohen, G. L., & Sherman, D. K. 2007).
Affirmation research focuses on how individuals adapt to information or experiences that threaten their self-image. Today, self-affirmation theory remains well-studied throughout social psychological research (Sherman, D. K., & Cohen, G. L., McQueen, A., & Klein, W. M. (2006.)
Self-affirmation theory has led to research in neuroscience and investigating whether we can “see” how the brain changes using imaging technology while using positive affirmations. MRI evidence suggests that specific neural pathways increase when we speak affirmations (Cascio et al., 2016). The “ventromedial prefrontal cortex,” involved in positive self-evaluation and self-related information processing, becomes more active when we speak positively about our values (Falk et al., 2015; Cascio et al., 2016).
Dr. Emily Falk and her colleagues focused on how people process information about themselves. They discovered that by using positive affirmations, “otherwise-threatening information” is seen as more self-relevant and valuable (2015: 1979). Cohen and Sherman found that using self-affirmations can help with threats or stress and that they can be beneficial for improving academic performance, health, and well-being (Cohen, G. L., & Sherman, D. K. 2014).
And Dr. Peter Harris’ research found that when using affirmations, smokers responded less dismissively to cigarette packet warnings and conveyed the intention to change their behavior (Harris et al., 2007).
The evidence suggests that affirmations are beneficial in multiple ways!
Positive affirmations:
have been shown to decrease health-related stress (Sherman et al., 2009; Critcher & Dunning, 2015.)
have been used effectively in “Positive Psychology Interventions,” or PPI, scientific tools and strategies used for increasing happiness, well-being, positive thinking, and emotions (Keyes, Fredrickson, & Park, 2012.)
may help change the perception of otherwise “threatening” messages (Logel & Cohen, 2012.)
can help us set our intention to change for the better (Harris et al., 2007) (Epton & Harris, 2008.)
have been positively linked to academic achievement by lessening GPA decline in students who felt isolated in college (Layous et al., 2017.)
have been demonstrated to lower stress (Koole et al., 1999; Weisenfeld et al., 2001.)
provide health benefits by helping us respond in a less defensive or resistant manner when we perceive threats.
In a nutshell, using affirmations allows us to create an adaptive, broader self-concept, making us more resilient to life’s struggles. Whether it’s social pressure, health, or healing trauma, a broader self-concept is a valuable tool.
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I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self, Workbook and Journal, by Diane Metcalf
Experience the power of self-affirmation: using positive statements to improve well-being and performance. Learn research-based steps to write the most effective affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things.
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About the Author
As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping and healing strategies. She happily shares those with those who want to learn and grow in their own recovery journies.
Diane is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer on narcissism, family dysfunction, and abuse. She draws from her personal childhood experiences, as well as her work in human service fields like domestic violence and partner abuse. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.
Her transformational books about healing and moving forward include the highly praised “Lemon Moms” series. This emotionally supportive collection explains narcissistic traits and teaches how to reconcile past hurts to begin self-nurturing, healing, and moving forward.
Shaming is a control technique woven throughout abuse cycles. Shaming can be accomplished with mixed messages, sarcasm, scapegoating, narcissistic rages, gaslighting, and trauma bonding, to name a few. One thing is for sure: you’ll find active shaming wherever there is a narcissist.
Shame tells us that everyone is judging us as unforgivingly as we judge ourselves. Shame lies. It says that we’re unworthy of acceptance or belonging; that we deserve insults, criticisms, rejection, and loneliness. Shame says that we’re not good enough.
THE POWER OF SHAME IN ABUSE CYCLES: UNDERSTANDING CONTROL TECHNIQUES
Using the word “abusive” to describe any relationship can feel like a sad excuse or blame for unresolved issues. When we use the word “abuse,” it can feel like attention-seeking or sympathy-seeking. It can feel like we’re saying, “poor me; I’m a helpless victim.” The word “abuse” is full of shame.
We may intentionally minimize our painful experiences because we don’t want to think of someone as an “abuser” or ourselves as unwitting targets. Having those thoughts can cause us to feel more ashamed, which affects our core identity. Those of us who’ve experienced traumatic events due to someone’s narcissism may feel a sense of disgust or humiliation in addition to shame and see ourselves in a negative light as compared with others.
The shame of enduring mistreatment or abuse from anyone leaves long-lasting scars.
“Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging.”
—Brené Brown
In her book, “I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Isn’t): Making the Journey from ‘What Will People Think?’ to ‘I Am Enough,’” Brené Brown discusses shame as a “silent epidemic” and something that everybody experiences at some point (2008).
METHODS OF SHAMING
Why does anyone actively shame? In the case of narcissists, it’s because they need to feel superior, and it allows them to put themselves in an untouchable status: it minimizes the future threat of someone expressing embarrassing comments or thoughts about them. Shaming allows a narcissist to feel invincible while eroding their target’s self-confidence, self-esteem, and enjoyment of life. It’s what they do best.
A narcissist will shame someone in a variety of ways:
1. Changing the narrative: After attaining an accomplishment, the narcissist will re-tell the story of the achievement and add a shameful twist. If asked, they’ll jokingly say they did it because they don’t want their target to become self-important or to have a “big head,” but really, it is intended to humiliate.
2. Breaking confidences: Narcissists love to gain embarrassing or humiliating information to use later, so they’ll appear more important or intelligent. A narcissist will keep their target anxious about the possibility that they may share this upsetting information with others.
3. Pointing out flaws: Narcissists believe they have no faults but are very good at identifying those of others. They enjoy shaming their targets by passive-aggressively devaluing them. A narcissist might say, “I was only joking,” or “You’re too sensitive,” if their target is hurt by this behavior.
4. Playing the victim: As we’ve seen, narcissists love to be the victim in their version of reality. A narcissist will purposefully frustrate their target and then use their exasperation to justify flipping the scenario and becoming the victim herself. Then she’ll openly deem her target’s frustrated response as a shameful thing.
5. Blaming: Narcissists don’t take responsibility for their actions. When a narcissist makes a mistake or if something unexpected goes wrong, they’ll place blame on their target. The target has no power to prevent this and can’t change it. It is a no-win situation.
6. Belittling: Narcissists are typically condescending and belittle others by talking down to them, calling them names, implying that they’re jealous or insecure, or telling them to “grow up.” Narcissists enjoy giving the impression that they’ve developed beyond the level that others have.
7. Laying on religious guilt: Every religion has standards and expectations, and a narcissist will use them to guilt their targets into behaving in a particular manner. They may say they’re praying about the target or asking for God’s intercession because the target’s behavior is displeasing to them.
8. Using aggressive tactics: Narcissists personally attack others to make them defensive. Defensive people become highly alert to protect themselves. A narcissist will use defensiveness as a sign of guilt. They’ll accuse the target of wrongdoing even when there hasn’t been any.
9. Playing the expert: Narcissists will sometimes speak authoritatively above a person’s level of understanding or knowledge. They do this to make the person feel inferior. Narcissists do this to be seen as authority figures. They’ll use their vocabulary, posture (looking down), and the elaboration of details as a way of shaming. The message is that they are smarter and more knowledgeable than we’ll ever be.
10. Comparing: As a result of their need to feel superior, narcissists act as though they’ve already outperformed everyone else. They insist they said or did “it” first, and much better. By outdoing their target, a narcissist minimizes their accomplishments, which supports the target’s belief of not being good enough.
11. Physical appearance: Narcissists like to appear physically intimidating or untouchable. They love attention and admiration, so they often dress to get noticed. They may even use their physical appearance as a way to demean and shame others. For example, an athletic narcissist will make hurtful comments to others about their bodies as compared to theirs.
12. Expectations (using “should” or “ought”): A narcissist will frequently play the game of “I told you so” by reminding their target that they didn’t heed given advice. For example, “You should’ve taken your boots like I told you to do. Now your shoes are ruined.”
13. Manipulation: Narcissists don’t ask directly for what they want because it feels like weakness. They don’t want to feel indebted to anyone. They gain an intense feeling of power by controlling and influencing others. They prefer that to openness.
14. Gaslighting: Narcissists like to control others’ beliefs, feelings, thoughts, and perceptions. To do this, they “rewrite” past events casting themselves as either the good guy or the victim. If others disagree with the revised version, the narcissist will mock, humiliate, dismiss their memory as faulty, or say something equally shaming.
15. Dog whistling: This tactic is a form of gaslighting and manipulation. It gets its name from the device called a dog whistle that, because of its pitch, can only be heard by dogs. When using the dog-whistle approach, a narcissist uses coded language. Their words will mean one thing to their audience but something entirely different and hurtful to their target. For example, a narcissistic mom knows that her adult daughter is struggling with weight loss efforts, and when they’re together, the mom can’t stop talking about how great her best friend’s adult daughter looks after losing weight.
16. Sandbagging: Purposely appearing weak or less informed to deceive someone is called sandbagging. Narcissists often manipulate others by faking weaknesses or ignorance. A narcissistic mom may pretend to be ill when she wants her adult child to visit. Instead of simply inviting them over, she pretends to be sick so the adult child feels shamed into making an appearance.
FORGIVENESS AS A FORM OF SELF-CARE
Have you considered forgiving your abuser? Or is that idea outrageous? Maybe your wounds are still fresh, and it feels too soon or impossible. It might be a good idea to consider it at some point, but not for them. For YOU.
Forgiveness is a decision made to release the anger and resentment you feel. True forgiveness is extended regardless of whether it’s asked for or deserved. Forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting their behavior or condoning it. Forgiveness is for you, not them.
Offering forgiveness gives us peace and freedom from destructive anger. It means empowering ourselves by letting go of negative, destructive feelings. By forgiving, you acknowledge your pain without allowing it to define you. In doing so, healing and moving forward become possible. As we move forward, we continue learning to let go of the need to control outcomes and consequences. You see, forgiveness doesn’t mean that they get away with their hurtful, selfish behavior or avoid any repercussions. Instead, we allow the abuser to face the naturally occurring consequences of their actions, including but not limited to:
Family estrangement
Lost romantic relationships
Lost friendships
Divorce
Isolation
Loneliness
Missed opportunities
Legal, financial, or career issues
Damaged reputation
If you’re too hurt or angry to forgive right now, acknowledge and validate your feelings and resentments. They’re there for a reason. Doing this can help you see where your boundaries need to be.
Could you be feeling the effects of Narcissism Awareness Grief? Download thefree chapter to find out:
Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.
Private Facebook group included for members only.
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I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self, Workbook and Journal, by Diane Metcalf
Experience the power of self-affirmation: using positive statements to improve well-being and performance. Learn research-based steps to write the most effective affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things.
Get the TOOLBOX posts twice monthly in your inbox!
About the Author
As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping and healing strategies. She happily shares those with those who want to learn and grow in their own recovery journies.
Diane is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer on narcissism, family dysfunction, and abuse. She draws from her personal childhood experiences, as well as her work in human service fields like domestic violence and partner abuse. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.
Her transformational books about healing and moving forward include the highly praised “Lemon Moms” series. This emotionally supportive collection explains narcissistic traits and teaches how to reconcile past hurts to begin self-nurturing, healing, and moving forward.
When a primary caregiver, like a mother, is somewhere on the narcissism spectrum (or is a narcissist,) any children in their care will be vulnerable to becoming targets of mistreatment or abuse. That’s because children don’t have the mental and emotional maturity to comprehend their circumstances or to set protective boundaries. Their age dictates complete dependence on and trust of the narcissistic caregiver. As a result, they can easily be manipulated and emotionally controlled.
All children need and want their parent’s approval and validation. If kids grow up in home environments that are competitive or where love is conditional, they realize that they have to be “the best” in order to be loved. Deep down, they understand that they must earn their parent’s or caregiver’s love and affection by “doing” or “achieving.”
What Happens When a Caregiver is Emotionally Unstable
If a parent or caregiver is emotionally unstable, the children will experience almost daily drama and chaos, along with the resulting feelings of insecurity, instability, and fear. If a parent or caregiver is threatening, angry, or verbally abusive, the child’s role in the family will frequently change according to that parent’s current emotional state. All children in the home will take turns being devalued or idealized by the unstable parent. These dynamics mean that everyone in the family “revolves around” the explosive or unstable parent, trying to keep them calm. This is often achieved by hypervigilance; monitoring the parents’ moods, and doing whatever pleases them in order to hold off an unprovoked attack or to remain in good standing for as long as possible (see dysfunctional family roles). Every child responds to this chaos and uncertainty in their own unique way, possibly developing feelings of anger or becoming rebellious or violent. Some feel defeated and give up, becoming withdrawn or depressed, or self-isolating. And others feel a deep sense of shame for not being “good enough,” eroding their self-confidence and self-esteem. They are the shy, quiet ones.
The feelings of inadequacy that stem from “not being good enough” to receive unconditional love from a parent may be the catalyst for developing a “false self.” Learning to hide “faults” by developing a false self, and adopting the values and characteristics of the narcissistic parent, may contribute to kids becoming narcissists themselves (Greenberg 2016).
Narcissists enjoy believing they’re superior, smarter, and better at everything than everyone else. This is one of the reasons they’re often defensive and become angered so easily and quickly. If you challenge a narcissist, there will usually be undesirable repercussions, and children of narcissists understand this very well.
Needless to say, narcissistic parents are not healthy role models for their children. They have no problem with using foul language in front of or even directed at their children. They may make age-inappropriate adult or sexual comments, inferences, or jokes in front of or to their children. They generally behave immaturely and impulsively and may openly express their addictions. They may also violate laws in front of the children.
Narcissistic parents are oblivious to the damage they inflict by exposing their children to inappropriate situations and behavior. They’re not self-aware enough to see how their actions affect others (see Traits of a Narcissistic Mother.)
Becoming Codependent
Codependency is a survival skill set that children may develop when living in these kinds of conditions. Codependent skills are developed from necessity. Codependency ensures survival and safety in a potentially dangerous situation. It provides a sense of security, a type of self-esteem or purpose, and a means to obtain love or affection. Using codependent coping skills makes it possible for any child living with a narcissistic caregiver to deal with their chaotic, confusing, and often hurtful home environment.
As children, if we were caretakers for our mothers (or others’) emotional or physical well-being, we likely matured quickly and took on responsibilities that were not age-appropriate or even our own. When it felt physically or emotionally unsafe to be around our parents or caregivers, we learned to tiptoe around their instability, trying not to upset them, in order to feel safe. We learned to make ourselves “invisible” and live under the radar. We monitored moods and responded accordingly. We noticed behavioral patterns, and we became very good at predicting behavior. We learned how to take the initiative in making life easier or better for them so that we could feel a sense of stability, security, and safety for ourselves. We became accustomed to doing things for others that they could do for themselves. We became watchers and doers. We became codependent.
Could you be feeling the effects of Narcissism Awareness Grief? Download thefree chapter to find out:
from Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism
Forming Healthy Adult Relationships
It is necessary for children to develop a healthy sense of self, a foundation for forming healthy adult relationships later. To do this, they must feel safe in their caregiver relationships. When children don’t have mentally healthy caregivers, they don’t learn or develop healthy relationship skills to equip themselves for adulthood. Instead, they imitate family members’ maladaptive skills, such as using manipulation, physical aggression, violence, threats, and substances, which do more harm than good.
If we became codependent as children, we can heal as adults. We can do all of the things for ourselves that our caregivers could not or did not do. We can reinvent ourselves and move forward. We can learn to affirm and validate ourselves, and we can develop high self-esteem and self-confidence. We can begin to trust our minds and our memories. We can learn to recognize unhealthy or mentally ill people and steer clear. We can set boundaries. We can use our voices to empower ourselves. We can find our lost authentic selves and reclaim our lives.
Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.
Private Facebook group included for members only.
Get the TOOLBOX APP
for instant information, support, and validation!
I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self, Workbook and Journal, by Diane Metcalf
Experience the power of self-affirmation: using positive statements to improve well-being and performance. Learn research-based steps to write the most effective affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things.
Get the TOOLBOX posts twice monthly in your inbox!
About the Author
As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping and healing strategies. She happily shares those with those who want to learn and grow in their own recovery journies.
Diane is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer on narcissism, family dysfunction, and abuse. She draws from her personal childhood experiences, as well as her work in human service fields like domestic violence and partner abuse. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.
Her transformational books about healing and moving forward include the highly praised “Lemon Moms” series. This emotionally supportive collection explains narcissistic traits and teaches how to reconcile past hurts to begin self-nurturing, healing, and moving forward.
Topic: How to identify toxic, unsupportive, narcissistic, and non-nurturingpeople, and what to do if you’re in a relationship with one.
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