The TOOLBOX is a place to nurture and redefine yourself after being involved (or while currently involved ) in a non-nurturing or unsupportive relationship.
This site is about recognizing how someone’s neglect, emotional absence, mental illness, or distorted thinking affects you and applying new insights to improve your life.
This is a safe space to learn skills and strategies to change yourself, and your relationships, challenge your thinking, and take back your personal power. It’s a place to begin healing and moving forward from the effects of narcissists, manipulators, liars, and the toxic, non-nurturing, unsupportive, emotionally absent, self-absorbed.
Or maybe you have a lemon mom. What’s a Lemon Mom, you ask? A Lemon Mom is a mother who may be on the narcissism spectrum (or may even have full-blown, diagnosable Narcissistic Personality Disorder. She lacks the capacity to bond with her children, and they can grow up feeling “not good enough,” confused, unloved, misunderstood, unimportant, or invisible, that they “don’t matter” or have no influence. As adults they continue disliking, ignoring, or neglecting themselves, taking unnecessary risks, and being attracted to people who aren’t good for them. They minimize themselves so that others can feel good about themselves, and they stay in hurtful relationships, and put themselves last, if at all.
On this site, diagnoses are irrelevant! If someone’s personality traits negatively impact your life or cause you pain, that’s what’s important to realize and change.
You don’t need a professional diagnosis to determine that a relationship is unhealthy, or to make positive changes for yourself.
I wrote the book “Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism” (and the rest of the Lemon Moms series) to safely walk others through the chaos and confusion of narcissistic behavior; what it is, what it does, and how to recover from its devastating effects. I include personal examples and action-oriented steps that you can start taking today. I teach how to decode crazy-making behavior, and use healthy skills and strategies to begin healing so you can move forward into your best life.
The information provided here is based on my education, professional and personal experiences with domestic violence and abuse, my personal healing journey, and lots of current research.
I hope you enjoy reading and learning what’s here. I especially hope that you celebrate your progress and keep moving forward in your own healing journey.
I urge you to do the work.
Diane Metcalf
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Have you ever met someone who seemed a bit “different” or had some unique personality traits? It can sometimes be difficult to figure out if those traits are harmless or if they could potentially be warning signs of danger. Being able to distinguish between icks, harmless eccentricities and genuine red flags is important for your personal safety. By learning how to identify narcissists, psychopaths, manipulators, liars, and others who display self-centeredness, lack of support, and emotional mistreatment, you can take the necessary actions to rescue, protect, and heal yourself from the abuse you may encounter.
In our interactions with others, it’s a good idea to develop the ability to identify behaviors and traits that may indicate genuine danger. By being able to differentiate between harmless idiosyncrasies and genuine red flags, we can better protect ourselves.
Beyond Buzzwords: Feeling the Ick
The “ick” factor refers to a moment when something happens or is revealed about a person that is so profoundly disgusting or off-putting that it causes you to cringe. It’s a feeling of deep disappointment and disillusionment, where something seemingly innocuous and specific triggers a strong negative reaction within you. Feeling “the ick” is like a sudden wave of disgust that washes over you, causing you to recoil and lose all the feelings you once felt for that person. The ick is triggered by something seemingly insignificant, yet strangely significant, and it resonates within a deep part of your being. It’s a gut instinct that tells you that this person is not right for you, and it’s a realization that resonates inside you, shaking the foundation of your connection with them.
Understanding Harmless Personality Quirks: A Balanced Perspective
It’s important to remember that not every behavior that seems strange or uncomfortable is a cause for concern. To differentiate between harmless quirks and genuine warning signs, it’s crucial to consider:
Context and cultural differences: Certain behaviors may be influenced by cultural norms or personal backgrounds. What may appear peculiar to you could be perfectly acceptable within someone else’s cultural context.
Individual uniqueness: Each person has their own idiosyncrasies and peculiarities that make them unique. While some behaviors may deviate from the norm, they may not necessarily pose a threat to your well-being.
Non-threatening eccentricities: Some individuals may have unconventional traits or mannerisms that do not negatively impact their ability to interact with others. As long as these traits respect your boundaries and do not cause harm, they can be considered harmless quirks.
Personality quirks are unique or eccentric traits. These quirks can be endearing or interesting. They make a person “who they are” yet don’t necessarily indicate any negative aspects of a person’s character. Personality quirks are usually harmless and can even add charm to a person’s character.
Red flags, as the name suggests, are like markers or warnings about a person, particularly in the context of relationships. It’s interesting to note that the term is believed to have originated from armies using red flags to indicate their readiness for battle – a fitting metaphor for the process of navigating through dating profiles, if you ask me.
Navigating the Maze of Social Media
Dating advice is intricate and multifaceted, and it can be challenging to decipher the reality, no matter how many Taylor Swift albums you’ve analyzed. However, understanding the difference between icks, personality quirks and genuine red flags is a valuable piece of the puzzle when determining if someone is worth your time or not.
I think it’s necessary to reevaluate the buzzwords that have dominated social media and discussions about relationships. I’ve seen some real doozies when it comes to identifying warning signs and red flags. For example, if someone forgets a conversation or event and genuinely does not remember it, that is not an example of gaslighting. True gaslighting is a form of intentional psychological manipulation to cause someone to question their own sanity, perception, or memories. The gaslighter denies or distorts the truth, causing the target to doubt their reality, and feel confused, anxious, or powerless. Gaslighting is a harmful tactic used by manipulative individuals to gain control and power. Genuine gaslighting is a red flag.
In the above example, it’s important to differentiate between simple forgetfulness and intentional gaslighting. This requires using your gut feelings (intuition) as well as common sense, combined with what you already know about the person, and the experiences you’ve had with them.
Someone not liking pizza or chocolate isn’t automatically a red flag either, if you like those things and they don’t. It might irk you that someone you’re interested in doesn’t like the things that you do, but they are not red flags. I hope you see the difference.
With the proliferation of bad dating and relationship advice out there, it’s key to stay informed through multiple venues and to consider the context behind the content. By that I mean knowing who created the content you consume. What are their qualifications? Are they pretending to be someone or something they’re not? This consideration also applies to questioning the broader narratives presented by the platform’s algorithms. Algorithms are complex mathematical formulas used by social media platforms to determine what content to show to users. They analyze various factors such as user preferences, engagement levels, and relevance to determine which posts, ads, or recommendations are most likely to be of interest to you. The goal is to enhance user experience by showing content that they are more likely to engage with, to increase both user satisfaction and platform usage. Sometimes algorithms promote trending ideas like “all men suck” or push a type of “dump-them” mentality touted as empowerment or “feminism.” Beware that a platform’s algorithm is supposed to show you more of what you’ve already searched for or clicked on, and it prioritizes your content based on showing you more of the same. That may do the opposite of what you intended; it may work to defeat your goal. Instead of healing, you may be shown more of what’s hurtful about relationships, keeping you stuck, preventing you from moving forward. Just beware, is all I’m saying.
If you’re interested in leaning more about Red Flags, jump on the waitlist below to be notified when my newest book is available:
Fall/Winter 2023!
RED FLAGS Icks, Personality Quirks or Warning Signs? How to Know the Difference
When someone’s vibe feels “icky,” or “off,” or they have “unusual” personality quirks, would you know if they are genuine warning signs or if you could be in danger?
Discover the secrets of Identifying danger: join the book waitlist now!
Have you been caught off guard by toxic individuals? Want to enhance your ability to spot warning signs and protect yourself from emotional mistreatment and abuse? Look no further! You’re invited to join the waitlist and gain invaluable insights into the world of personality quirks and genuine danger.
This upcoming book delves deep into the complexities of human behavior, guiding you through the maze of narcissists, psychopaths, manipulators, liars, and self-absorbed individuals. Learn the crucial skills to differentiate between harmless eccentricities and genuine red flags.
Discover the essential traits and behaviors that indicate true danger. From manipulative tendencies and lack of empathy to self-absorption and deception, practical tools for identifying the warning signs are in here.
Feel empowered to rescue, protect and heal yourself from their mistreatment or abuse.
Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.
Private Facebook group included for members only.
Join the Waitlist!
When someone’s vibe feels “icky,” or they have “unusual”personality quirks, would you know if they are genuine warning signs or if you could be in danger?
Coming Fall/Winter 2023
Icks, Personality Quirks, or Warning Signs? How to Know the Difference, by Diane Metcalf
Sign up for exclusive access to free chapters, progress, contests, and launch team, and be notified when it’s available!
Have you been caught off guard by toxic individuals? Want to enhance your ability to spot warning signs and protect yourself from emotional mistreatment and abuse? Look no further!
This upcoming book delves deep into the complexities of human behavior, guiding you through the maze of narcissists, psychopaths, manipulators, liars, and self-absorbed individuals. Learn the crucial skills to differentiate between harmless eccentricities and genuine red flags.
Feel empowered to rescue, protect and heal yourself from their mistreatment or abuse
I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self, Workbook and Journal, by Diane Metcalf
Experience the power of self-affirmation: using positive statements to improve well-being and performance. Learn research-based steps to write the most effective affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things.
Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism, by Diane Metcalf
For as long as I can remember, there was something “different” about my mother. She wasn’t like other mothers.
My mom didn’t hug or kiss, smile at, spend time with, or play with me. She never seemed happy to see me. She didn’t ask about my school day and wasn’t interested in knowing my friends. She seemed to have no interest in me or anything that I did. My mom called me hurtful names and obscenities, and at times, she ignored me, not speaking to me for days, weeks, or even months. When she felt sad I was expected to emotionally care-take her. When she didn’t feel like parenting, I was responsible for my siblings. When she lost her temper she hit. When I was disobedient, there were bizarre punishments.
I was not allowed to express feelings, ask questions, or show initiative or curiosity. My feelings were discounted, minimized, or invalidated. She re-wrote my memories, and I was expected to believe her version. I was to obey, stay quiet, and not question.
If any of this sounds familiar, you are not alone. If there is manipulation, power struggles, or cruelty in your relationship, this book can help. If you second-guess your memory, doubt your judgment or sanity, or continually seek your mother’s withheld affection, attention, approval, or love, this book can explain why.
Get the TOOLBOX posts twice monthly in your inbox!
About the Author
Drawing from her personal experiences of growing up in a dysfunctional household, Diane Metcalf has developed effective coping and healing strategies. With the assistance of professional therapists and mindful personal growth, she has honed her skills and now happily shares them with others who are interested in learning and growing.
As an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer, Diane is well-versed in topics such as narcissism, family dysfunction, abuse, and recognizing warning signs. Her extensive knowledge is drawn not only from her personal experiences, but also from her work in human service fields, including domestic violence, partner abuse, and court advocacy. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.
Diane’s transformational books on healing and personal growth, such as the highly acclaimed “Lemon Moms” series, offer emotional support and guidance in understanding narcissistic traits and healing past wounds. Her approach emphasizes self-awareness, intention, self-care, and establishing healthy boundaries as essential components in the healing process.
Learn more about the Lemon Moms series: Lemon Moms
Do you know someone who consistently brings conflict and stress into your life? You might think of them as being challenging, difficult, or maybe even toxic. There’s a difference in what these terms mean and here’s how to distinguish them:
Understanding and Dealing with Difficult Individuals
A “difficult” person exhibits challenging or demanding behaviors, but they do not necessarily have harmful intentions or engage in manipulative tactics. They likely have personal issues or struggles that make it challenging for them to interact positively with others. These issues may be permanent or temporary.
On the other hand, a “toxic” person consistently engages in manipulative, controlling, or abusive behaviors that harm others. They intentionally seek to undermine or emotionally, mentally, or even physically harm others.
Traits of toxic people can include manipulative behavior, a lack of empathy, constant criticism, controlling tendencies, a tendency to gaslight or invalidate others’ feelings, a need for constant attention and validation, a tendency to blame others for their own actions, and a lack of accountability for their behavior. It is important to note that these traits can vary from person to person, and not all toxic individuals will exhibit all of these traits. (webmd.com/mental-health/signs-toxic-person)
It is important to recognize the difference between the two and take appropriate action to protect yourself in toxic situations.
Some individuals have a talent for creating negativity and upset, causing emotional and sometimes physical pain to those around them.
When identifying people with toxic behavior, pay attention to signs that highlight their harmful conduct. These signs can help differentiate between someone going through ups and downs and someone consistently exhibiting toxic traits. Here are common signs of toxicity to watch out for:
It’s crucial to note that toxicity in people is not considered a mental disorder. However, there may be underlying mental health difficulties, such as a personality disorder, that contribute to their toxic behavior.
It is important to me to clarify that the term “toxic person” refers to a person’s way of thinking and behaving. Please consider the context and potential impact of using this label and to use it with caution and empathy. Labeling someone as “toxic” can be hurtful and will not contribute to a productive conversation or resolution.
Traits to Look Out For
Demanding attention: Whether it’s incessant phone calls, text messages, or unannounced visits, these individuals require a lot of emotional support. But they will rarely reciprocate that support to you. They have an elevated level of self-interest, endlessly seeking validation. This behavior is often associated with narcissistic personality disorder.
High drama: Have you ever noticed that some individuals are always surrounded by drama? This is not a coincidence. Toxic people thrive in chaotic situations that fuel emotions and provoke conflicts. These individuals derive pleasure from “stirring the pot,” as a therapist so aptly described it. These folks are just not interested in doing the necessary work to maintain stable and healthy relationships.
Inconsistent behavior: Toxic individuals often display erratic behavior and fail to follow through on their commitments or promises. Their actions can be unpredictable, making it challenging to establish a stable and reliable relationship with them. One moment, they may be elated and supportive, but the next, they may completely turn on you.
Ignoring boundaries: One of the telltale signs of a toxic person is their lack of respect for boundaries. Despite your repeated efforts to communicate your needs clearly, they continually disrespect you. Healthy relationships are built on trust and the ability to honor boundaries, which toxic individuals cannot do.
Abusing substances: This behavior becomes particularly toxic when it consistently harms not only the individual but also those around them.
Manipulating: Toxic individuals delight in manipulating those around them to serve their own desires. They resort to lying, distorting the truth, exaggerating, or omitting information in order to manipulate your actions or opinions of them. They are willing to go to great lengths, even when they know it will hurt others.
Lack of apology: Lack of apology can be a clear sign of a toxic dynamic in a relationship. When someone consistently refuses to apologize for their actions, it shows a lack of accountability and respect for the other person’s feelings. It can create a cycle of hurt and frustration, as the person who is hurt is left feeling invalidated and unheard. This lack of apology can also indicate a power imbalance, where one person feels entitled to their actions without considering the impact on others. Overall, it can be a red flag for a toxic relationship.
If you find yourself constantly waiting for an apology that never comes, it may indicate a toxic dynamic, which is a red flag.
Defensiveness: Defensiveness can be a sign of a toxic relationship because it often indicates a lack of open communication and a refusal to take responsibility for one’s actions. When someone is defensive, they may become overly protective of their own image or unwilling to admit any wrongdoing. This can create a hostile and unhealthy environment where issues are not addressed, and conflicts are not resolved. In a healthy relationship, both parties should feel comfortable expressing their thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment or retaliation.
Triangulation: Triangulation is a manipulative tactic that can be a sign of a toxic relationship. It occurs when one person manipulates the relationship between two other people by controlling the amount and type of communication they have. One person controls the narrative, which can generate rivalry between the other two parties. It is a way to “divide and conquer,” playing one person against the other. This can create a sense of confusion, tension, and even competition between the two individuals being manipulated. Triangulation is often used as a way for the manipulator to maintain control and power. Because it can be emotionally damaging and can lead to feelings of insecurity, mistrust, and isolation for those involved, it is a red flag. It is important to recognize this tactic and address it in order to maintain healthy and balanced relationships.
Exclusion: Exclusion can be a form of emotional manipulation in a toxic relationship. When someone withholds affection and attention, shuts us out, or makes us feel like an outsider, it can be a sign that they are trying to control or manipulate us. This behavior can be very damaging to our self-esteem and overall well-being. It is a red flag.
Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.
Private Facebook group included for members only.
Join the Waitlist!
When someone’s vibe feels “icky,” or they have “unusual”personality quirks, would you know if they are genuine warning signs or if you could be in danger?
Coming Fall/Winter 2023
Icks, Personality Quirks, or Warning Signs? How to Know the Difference, by Diane Metcalf
Sign up for exclusive access to free chapters, progress, contests, and launch team, and be notified when it’s available!
Have you been caught off guard by toxic individuals? Want to enhance your ability to spot warning signs and protect yourself from emotional mistreatment and abuse? Look no further!
This upcoming book delves deep into the complexities of human behavior, guiding you through the maze of narcissists, psychopaths, manipulators, liars, and self-absorbed individuals. Learn the crucial skills to differentiate between harmless eccentricities and genuine red flags.
Feel empowered to rescue, protect and heal yourself from their mistreatment or abuse
I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self, Workbook and Journal, by Diane Metcalf
Experience the power of self-affirmation: using positive statements to improve well-being and performance. Learn research-based steps to write the most effective affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things.
Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism, by Diane Metcalf
For as long as I can remember, there was something “different” about my mother. She wasn’t like other mothers.
My mom didn’t hug or kiss, smile at, spend time with, or play with me. She never seemed happy to see me. She didn’t ask about my school day and wasn’t interested in knowing my friends. She seemed to have no interest in me or anything that I did. My mom called me hurtful names and obscenities, and at times, she ignored me, not speaking to me for days, weeks, or even months. When she felt sad I was expected to emotionally care-take her. When she didn’t feel like parenting, I was responsible for my siblings. When she lost her temper she hit. When I was disobedient, there were bizarre punishments.
I was not allowed to express feelings, ask questions, or show initiative or curiosity. My feelings were discounted, minimized, or invalidated. She re-wrote my memories, and I was expected to believe her version. I was to obey, stay quiet, and not question.
If any of this sounds familiar, you are not alone. If there is manipulation, power struggles, or cruelty in your relationship, this book can help. If you second-guess your memory, doubt your judgment or sanity, or continually seek your mother’s withheld affection, attention, approval, or love, this book can explain why.
Get the TOOLBOX posts twice monthly in your inbox!
About the Author
Drawing from her personal experiences of growing up in a dysfunctional household, Diane Metcalf has developed effective coping and healing strategies. With the assistance of professional therapists and mindful personal growth, she has honed her skills and now happily shares them with others who are interested in learning and growing.
As an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer, Diane is well-versed in topics such as narcissism, family dysfunction, abuse, and recognizing warning signs. Her extensive knowledge is drawn not only from her personal experiences, but also from her work in human service fields, including domestic violence, partner abuse, and court advocacy. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.
Diane’s transformational books on healing and personal growth, such as the highly acclaimed “Lemon Moms” series, offer emotional support and guidance in understanding narcissistic traits and healing past wounds. Her approach emphasizes self-awareness, intention, self-care, and establishing healthy boundaries as essential components in the healing process.
Learn more about the Lemon Moms series: Lemon Moms
You may be familiar with the term Narcissism Awareness Grief; maybe you’ve done some work and have acknowledged that you’re processing through it; maybe you’ve heard of it but aren’t sure what it entails. Or maybe you’re somewhere in between. Wherever you are in the understanding of Narcissism Awareness Grief, know that it exists.
It can be an incredibly validating experience when we realize that Narcissism Awareness Grief is a real “thing.” After recognizing that a relative, friend, or significant other is on the narcissism spectrum, we may actually start to feel relieved. Because now we know there’s a name for what we’ve been feeling and dealing with, it’s real, and we are not alone. It means we have choices we didn’t know about and that we can find support.
It’s great to have information and understand something on a deeper level, but what are we supposed to do with this new information? How can knowing or understanding Narcissism Awareness Grief help us to move forward?
Well, learning is only the beginning. Eventually, we need to acknowledge how someone’s narcissistic behavior has affected us. Once we do, we begin to grieve the losses this relationship has cost. And then we start moving forward. Narcissism Awareness Grief involves feeling denial, anger, bargaining, depression, rewriting, and acceptance.
When you recall old hurtful or traumatic memories now alongside your new understanding of narcissism, you may feel disappointed or angry by the realization that someone important to you has narcissistic traits. It’s OK to acknowledge that your life experiences could have been different if this person didn’t have those traits, or didn’t mistreat you because of them. It’s more than OK to feel everything you’re feeling. All of us get hurt, sometimes because of our own decisions, and sometimes because of others’ choices or behavior. It’s natural to feel wronged, angry, or confused when someone important to us mistreats or hurts us.
After the stunning revelation that their behavior is because of something within them that you didn’tcause, can’t cure, and have no control over, you’ll begin to understand that the way you interact with them is a choice. You will start seeing more clearly what’s happening in your interactions. You’ll start using tools like the Grey Rock Method, and other strategies. Instead, of losing yourself, or losing control of your emotions, you’ll learn to not respond at all. You’ll learn how to stop providing the narcissistic supply.
And you’ll stop hoping for the day that they will admit their hurtful behavior and apologize to you. You’ll stop imagining the validation you’ll feel when they finally realize how much they’ve hurt you as they begin feeling remorse for their behavior. Narcissists believe they’re never wrong, never do anything hurtful, never make mistakes. They can’t feel guilty because to feel guilt, they’d have to take responsibility for their actions and admit their transgressions. They’d have to feel empathy. But narcissists do not feel emotional empathy.Instead, they justify their actions or blame someone for them. It’s never their fault; it’s always someone else’s. The sooner you can accept that they don’t feel responsibility, remorse, or guilt and that they aren’t going to apologize, the sooner you’ll be able to move on.
The healing process can be complex and lengthy.
Some of us feel further traumatized by the realization that we didn’t understand when it happened that the treatment we endured was actually abusive. We might feel sick, enraged, guilty, ashamed, or numb as we comprehend this. It’s emotionally challenging to think of someone as an abuser. If we attain this insight and call it what it is, we may also begin questioning more aspects of the relationship.
Whatever you feel, please don’t judge yourself for feeling it. Accept what you feel, and know that if you do the work to heal yourself, you’ll come out on the other side. Expect to feel a wide range of emotions, and let them come. They are there for a reason. Be kind to yourself and let yourself feel and process the dazzling and unbelievable insights you will have. They are cannon events leading to tremendous personal growth.
Recovering from any type of trauma or abuse is a complicated process, mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. But it can be done.
“You either walk inside your story and own it or you stand outside your story and hustle for your worthiness.” -Brené Brown
The Journey of Narcissism Awareness Grief and Healing
In recovery and healing, there is no timeline. You can set parameters, but you can’t force them. Healing takes as long as it takes. Everyone on this journey is on their own unique path, and no two are alike. We may have support, and friends may accompany us now and then, but the track is narrow. Even when we work with a therapist, we walk through the vastness of the dark, scary place called “healing” mostly alone.
What we see, hear, learn, and do along the way in recovery becomes part of our life experience. These recovery experiences will change us as individuals, and we alone get to determine whether they’ll be positive or negative changes.
It’s important that we don’t compare our recovery journey with someone else’s. There is no competition. There is no comparison. This healing journey is exclusively for you. It’s your time to acknowledge and recognize some hard truths. Healing is a gift we give to ourselves, to finally deal with the emotional pain, memories, and triggers, so we can be free of these influences once and for all.
When we’re focused on recovery, we need to consciously set aside time, regularly, for doing the recovery work. It takes awareness, focus, and commitment to do this. I believe that the more structured we are, the more we will see and feel the healing taking place. We’re all different, but that’s how it worked for me.
If you’re stuck in any one area of recovery, it’s important to know that you need to nudge yourself forward and keep going. I got stuck too, at several points.
Sometimes self-help is enough, but other times we need something more. Please give yourself the gift of working with a therapist if your progress has stalled. We owe it to ourselves to do everything we can to heal.
During the recovery process, you might feel tired, emotionally drained, or even exhausted. Personally, depending on the type and amount of work I did, I sometimes felt like I’d been hit by a truck. There were times I felt depressed or angry and days when my eyes hurt from crying. You might feel like quitting; you might find yourself thinking thoughts like: forget it, it isn’t working, nothing’s happening except for remembering painful times that I don’t want to remember. Based on my own experience, all of those are signs that I was actually making progress. For me, the only way out of the trauma was through the trauma. And trauma specialists agree with that principle.
From Denial to Acceptance
The bottled-up emotions that we weren’t allowed to express are still inside, demanding to be recognized and affirmed. Those feelings (or their effects) don’t magically disappear just because years have gone by. They’re still there, waiting to be acknowledged. They won’t go away until we do that.
We alone experienced these events, and we alone retain the memories, even if others were living in the household with us. Healing requires the validation of our experiences and our memories. Give yourself the gift of validating what you survived. Believe your memories. Acknowledge that events happened the way you remember.
Healing isn’t about eliminating symptoms, but rather addressing the root causes of the pain. When we start working through the trauma, we can finally begin to acknowledge and process the feelings that we were never allowed to recognize or vocalize. We can do that now and finally release them. Afterward, when we remember, we won’t have those old, familiar, emotional reactions anymore because we’ve worked through them. “Remembering” is validation. “Feeling” is validation. We didn’t get any kind of validation when we were in the abusive environment. It’s time to validate ourselves.
So, in my own journey, I recalled the memories, felt the confusion, anger, guilt, shame, and humiliation, and acknowledged that what I was re-experiencing really happened—no more gaslighting myself or denying it. I had to bring it all back up into the light where I could really see it, look at it, sift through it, and feel it all again one final time, the LAST time, with my new perspectives and understanding of narcissism, and be done with it.
If your heart validates your painful experiences, try to be grateful for that. Listen when your heart speaks to you. You probably have questions, and you want answers. But, in fact, as you heal, having “answers” may actually become irrelevant. Sometimes it’s not “answers” that hold the key to healing, but rather it’s understanding that who we are now is the result of all our past experiences, both the good and the bad. Going forward nurturing and caring for our newly discovered selves is what will determine who we are tomorrow and every day after that.
We are survivors.
Navigating the Recovery Process: Tips and Strategies for Healing from Narcissistic Abuse
Healing from any hurtful or toxic event depends heavily on your own attitude. How we feel about ourselves dramatically influences the entire recovery process.
Recovery from narcissistic abuse includes replacing negative thoughts and beliefs with new ones. We need to learn new ways of coping with stress, rid ourselves of self-sacrificing behaviors, (people-pleasing,) practice excellent self-care, and surround ourselves with people who validate our daily experiences.
Any recovery work requires the willingness to be open to new ideas about self-love, self-respect, personal growth, self-acceptance, and even forgiveness. Healing requires a willingness to do the work to become a new and better version of ourselves.
While it’s daunting to figure out how to begin the recovery process, I suggest that you keep an open mind, do your research, and experiment with different approaches to see what works best for you.
You’ll have good days and not-so-good ones. I can tell you from experience that you’ll want to give up at times. You might feel you aren’t making progress or that it’s not worth it because of how painful and difficult it can be.
If you feel comfortable, tell your story to someone who has earned the right to hear your story. If they don’t understand narcissism or abuse, you risk being re-traumatized by their response. It should be someone you trust, and who cares about your well-being and supports you. You can journal, or talk with a recovered, trustworthy family member, emotionally stable friend, counselor, abuse recovery therapist, certified trauma recovery life coach, C-PTSD specialist, or narcissistic abuse/trauma support group.
Support groups are great for validating our feelings because the members have all had similar experiences. There is no judgment, shame, or anxiety about sharing those experiences. Ideally, everybody in the group is interested, supportive, and motivated to recover and move forward.
There are many healing and recovery modalities for abuse and trauma, facilitated by experts in their fields. Give any method you try a reasonable chance. Nothing works overnight. Be fair to yourself by allowing your methodology to have a real effect and make a difference.
You may find yourself hesitating because you’re anxious or fearful of the next steps. Or maybe you don’t want to revisit or reexperience specific or unknown upsetting events. Maybe you don’t want to find out what you’ll feel or discover next. I think if that’s true, then working with a professional would be something to consider strongly. A professional could help you identify ways to get unstuck. Sometimes a shift in attitude or perspective is what it takes. Or you might benefit from trying a new or different approach, whether that means a different form of therapy, a different therapist, or adding additional treatment. Whatever it takes, I hope you do it.
Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.
Private Facebook group included for members only.
Join the Waitlist!
When someone’s vibe feels “icky,” or they have “unusual”personality quirks, would you know if they are genuine warning signs or if you could be in danger?
Coming Fall/Winter 2023
Icks, Personality Quirks, or Warning Signs? How to Know the Difference, by Diane Metcalf
Sign up for exclusive access to free chapters, progress, contests, and launch team, and be notified when it’s available!
Have you been caught off guard by toxic individuals? Want to enhance your ability to spot warning signs and protect yourself from emotional mistreatment and abuse? Look no further!
This upcoming book delves deep into the complexities of human behavior, guiding you through the maze of narcissists, psychopaths, manipulators, liars, and self-absorbed individuals. Learn the crucial skills to differentiate between harmless eccentricities and genuine red flags.
Feel empowered to rescue, protect and heal yourself from their mistreatment or abuse
I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self, Workbook and Journal, by Diane Metcalf
Experience the power of self-affirmation: using positive statements to improve well-being and performance. Learn research-based steps to write the most effective affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things.
Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism, by Diane Metcalf
For as long as I can remember, there was something “different” about my mother. She wasn’t like other mothers.
My mom didn’t hug or kiss, smile at, spend time with, or play with me. She never seemed happy to see me. She didn’t ask about my school day and wasn’t interested in knowing my friends. She seemed to have no interest in me or anything that I did. My mom called me hurtful names and obscenities, and at times, she ignored me, not speaking to me for days, weeks, or even months. When she felt sad I was expected to emotionally care-take her. When she didn’t feel like parenting, I was responsible for my siblings. When she lost her temper she hit. When I was disobedient, there were bizarre punishments.
I was not allowed to express feelings, ask questions, or show initiative or curiosity. My feelings were discounted, minimized, or invalidated. She re-wrote my memories, and I was expected to believe her version. I was to obey, stay quiet, and not question.
If any of this sounds familiar, you are not alone. If there is manipulation, power struggles, or cruelty in your relationship, this book can help. If you second-guess your memory, doubt your judgment or sanity, or continually seek your mother’s withheld affection, attention, approval, or love, this book can explain why.
Get the TOOLBOX posts twice monthly in your inbox!
About the Author
Drawing from her personal experiences of growing up in a dysfunctional household, Diane Metcalf has developed effective coping and healing strategies. With the assistance of professional therapists and mindful personal growth, she has honed her skills and now happily shares them with others who are interested in learning and growing.
As an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer, Diane is well-versed in topics such as narcissism, family dysfunction, abuse, and recognizing warning signs. Her extensive knowledge is drawn not only from her personal experiences, but also from her work in human service fields, including domestic violence, partner abuse, and court advocacy. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.
Diane’s transformational books on healing and personal growth, such as the highly acclaimed “Lemon Moms” series, offer emotional support and guidance in understanding narcissistic traits and healing past wounds. Her approach emphasizes self-awareness, intention, self-care, and establishing healthy boundaries as essential components in the healing process.
Learn more about the Lemon Moms series: Lemon Moms
Emotional abuse can take many forms, including deliberately making someone feel worthless or unsafe, intentionally humiliating them, calling them names, attempting to control them, isolating them from friends or family, and gaslighting them. So, to protect ourselves, let’s talk about how to identify emotionally abusive individuals.
An abusive person typically:
Ignores boundaries
Ignores your right to privacy
Constantly criticizes or humiliates you
Is judgmental towards you
Is possessive and controlling
Is manipulative
Dismisses you and your feelings
Makes threats, shouts, name-calls
Makes you the subject of jokes
Uses sarcasm to hurt you
Blames and scapegoats
Pushes you to perform illegal, immoral, or degrading acts or actions you don’t want to do
Breaking Free: Empowering Strategies
If you’re being emotionally abused, there will be times that you’ll need to appear indifferent to the abuser’s words or actions not only to protect yourself but to deny them their narcissistic supply.
Narcissistic supply is the emotional “food” a narcissist requires to keep their self-esteem high. It serves as a source of validation and admiration, which fuels their sense of superiority and entitlement. Similar to a drug, narcissistic supply becomes addictive to them, constantly feeding their inflated ego. As a result, narcissists actively seek out relationships or situations where they can receive a continuous flow of supply in the form of attention and validation, further reinforcing their belief in their own importance. They manipulate others, employing tactics such as charm, manipulation, and even emotional or psychological abuse, to ensure they receive this supply. By exploiting and controlling others for their own benefit, narcissists are able to maintain their power and dominance over their victims. This perpetual need for attention and admiration, coupled with the constant receipt of supply, perpetuates a cycle that allows narcissists to continue their abusive behavior without remorse or empathy.
It is important to note that this cycle is not limited to romantic relationships and can also occur in friendships, family dynamics, or professional settings. Narcissistic supply can encompass a wide range of emotions and reactions, and take various forms besides admiration, validation and attention. It differs depending on the individual narcissist. Narcissists can also derive supply from someone’s fear, anger, or sadness to fuel their sense of power and control. A narcissist can thrive on the pain and vulnerability of others to bolster their own fragile ego. It’s a twisted dynamic, and it’s important to recognize this pattern so you can protect yourself.
More forms of narcissistic supply:
Receiving attention
Receiving compliments/praise
Feeling accomplished/winning
Feeling powerful/having power over you
Feeling in control of others
Using an addictive substance or activity
Sex
Receiving emotional energy from anyone (this can be positive or negative. Your pain is a form of supply. So is losing emotional control, such as when you show anger or cry.)
You may not realize it, but you unknowingly provide narcissistic supply by:
Doing whatever they want or expect you to do
Giving up your autonomy, your sense of self
Praising/complimenting them
Agreeing with them when it’s not how you genuinely feel
Being compliant
Being controllable
Giving up your personal power
Staying quiet/giving up your voice or input
Showing any form of emotion (They will observe your emotional display, remaining calm themselves, and you will end up feeling unseen, unheard, misunderstood, or “crazy.”)
Using the Grey Rock Method Safely and Effectively
“Grey Rock” is a term attributed to a blogger named Skylar, who wrote the article “The Grey Rock Method of Dealing with Psychopaths” in 2018.
The Grey Rock Technique causes emotionally toxic or unbalanced people who may be abusive or manipulative to lose interest in you. This method completely removes any emotional charge or drama from your interactions. Using Grey Rock involves becoming as uninteresting and disengaged as possible so the abuser becomes bored with and loses interest in you. The method eliminates any potential narcissistic supply.
While it may not work for everyone, Grey Rock can be an effective way to reduce the harm of emotional abuse, and some have reported that it also helps reduce conflict.
To use the Grey Rock method:
Appear calm, even if you’re not. Maintain eye contact. Do not look down or away.
Example Grey Rock statements to use:
I’m sorry you feel that way.
I can accept your distorted view of me.
I welcome your opinion, but I feel good about my choice.
I have no right to try to control how you see me.
I accept how you see me.
I get how you feel.
You’re entitled to your reality.
Your anger is not my responsibility.
Your anger is not my problem.
It’s possible. I guess it could be true.
I’d like to continue this discussion, but we don’t seem to share the same perspective. Maybe when you’re calm, we can resume this conversation mutually respectfully. (This is also an example of enforcing a boundary.)
You get the idea.
It’s vital to remain calm, maintain eye contact, and use short, noncommittal, or one-word answers and factual replies when using this technique. Keep interactions short, avoid adding your opinions or arguing, and keep personal or sensitive information private. Show no emotion or vulnerability, minimize physical contact, and avoid being alone with them.
Refuse to give the abuser the reaction they seek (narcissistic supply) and do not engage in conversations that may trigger an emotional response. Remember to stay firm in your boundaries and do not allow them to draw you into an emotional debate.
Be boring, boring, BORING! They will lose interest in you because you’re not providing the drama and emotional interaction that they crave.
While there is no research to confirm that the Grey Rock Method works, many people who have tried it report seeing confusion, frustration, boredom, or anger coming from the abuser. In some cases, the abuser may be kind or affectionate to make the victim stop using the method (this is called love bombing, a form of manipulation and trauma bonding.) In any case, it’s crucial to remain firm in your boundaries and not allow them to control your response or get a reaction from you.
Understanding the Risks of the Grey Rock Method for Dealing with Emotional Abuse
It’s important to note that the Grey Rock Method should only be used in specific situations. It is not a long-term solution for relationships with emotionally abusive individuals. While there is no research on the risks of this method, it’s important to understand that remaining in contact with an emotionally abusive person always carries a risk of experiencing abuse. There is no guarantee that the Grey Rock Method will work, and it’s essential to be aware of the potential risks and to prioritize your safety and well-being.
One risk of using the Grey Rock Method is that the abuser may escalate their hurtful behavior to regain control or to try provoking a response from you. They may become increasingly manipulative, invasive, or aggressive, which could escalate into physical violence.
Suppressing and hiding our emotions from an abusive person can be mentally draining and become unsustainable. It can lead to feeling fatigued, frustrated, or depressed, especially if we are isolated from friends or family and cannot safely voice our emotions.
The Grey Rock Method is not a long-term solution, particularly for people who live with the offender. It may temporarily help someone avoid abusive behavior while they figure out how to safely leave the situation or relationship. Grey Rock could also help those who must have continued contact with the abusive person, such as co-parenting situations with ex-partners or when around toxic relatives they do not live with.
When Grey Rock Doesn’t Work: Other Tools for Dealing with Emotional Abuse
If the Grey Rock Method does not work, other techniques exist for dealing with emotional or psychological abuse. These include
improving emotional self-care
seeking social support
safety planning
legal assistance
Emotional self-care involves practicing positive self-talk or using positive affirmations, enjoying a hobby or activity, creating a safe, healing space for yourself, and seeking support from a therapist or counselor. Social support can be made by sharing with trusted loved ones about the abuse or mistreatment, joining a support group, or spending time away from the abuser. Safety planning involves developing a plan to leave the relationship safely, locking away guns and other potential weapons, and finding a new place to live. Seek help from domestic abuse experts who can provide referrals and information about obtaining credit, housing, child care, financial assistance, and legal service or court advocacy.
Summary
The Grey Rock Method can be useful for dealing with emotionally unbalanced people who manipulate or emotionally mistreat or abuse you. Overall, the Grey Rock Method can be a helpful tool, but it is important to use it wisely and in conjunction with other strategies to protect yourself from emotional abuse. It’s important to consider whether the Grey Rock method is appropriate for your situation and to be aware of potential risks.
Speaking from experience, Grey rocking requires you to suppress your natural need for love and attention, which I find emotionally draining. It can also re-ignite any codependent behavior that you may struggle with. Healthy relationships and paths to fulfill our needs outside the Grey Rock method are essential.
Suppose your partner has started escalating their abusive behavior, and the mistreatment is becoming more frequent or intense, gradually or suddenly. In that case, it’s time to seek professional help. If you feel unsafe, contact your local Domestic Violence Hotline or the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233, or look up your nearest domestic violence shelter. You may need to consider leaving the relationship altogether. Please seek out a counselor, therapist, or support group specializing in trauma, emotional or narcissistic abuse. You matter. You are worth it.
No matter how you start, I hope you empower yourself by focusing on what you CAN do, starting right now to improve your life. No matter how small those things may seem, start doing them today. Your future self will appreciate it.
Tools for Healing
Learn about people-pleasing and other unhealthy survival skills learned in childhood
This book examines emotional regulation, self-validation, boundaries, self-trust, safety, security, and how to discover your authentic self.
There are more than 200 affirmations in the book.
Examples from the book:
Affirmations to Counteract Negativity (Affirmations to help deal with toxic people)
I am grateful for all of the love that is in my life.
I accept that others love the best way they know how.
I let go of the need for others to validate me.
Affirmations For Standing in Your Power (Affirmations to help deal with the loss of personal power)
My personal power is stronger every day.
I am my own person. I choose how I think and behave.
I use my voice, and I am heard.
Affirmations For Calming Fight or Flight (Affirmations to help deal with hypervigilance)
I acknowledge and protect my personal power.
I hear, affirm, comfort, and validate my inner child.
I trust my mind.
Affirmation For Self-validation (Affirmations to help deal with constant invalidation)
I accept and value myself exactly as I am.
I let go of the need for others to validate me.
I express myself confidently.
Affirmations for Working Through Narcissism Awareness Grief (Affirmations to help deal with feelings of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, rewriting, and acceptance)
I always mattered, but _________ couldn’t see it or acknowledge it.
I am in charge. Today’s thoughts create my future.
I focus on what I can control, and I release the rest.
Affirmations to Feel Accepted (Affirmations to help deal with being scapegoated and rejected)
Only I can determine my self-worth.
I value myself.
I am human. It’s OK to be imperfect.
Affirmations to Heal Betrayal Wounds (Affirmations to help deal with narcissistic dishonesty and lies)
I listen when my heart talks to me.
I reaffirm for myself that I am on the right path.
I happily focus on the present moment, feeling empowered.
Affirmations to Feel Safe (Affirmations to help deal with emotional abandonment)
I can, and I will.
I heal more every day.
I am in control of what I think and how I feel.
Affirmations to Heal Shame (Affirmations to help deal with feeling ashamed)
I am worthy of love, happiness, and fulfillment.
I have everything I need to be successful.
I embrace change. I am the author of my story.
Affirmations to Set and Maintain Healthy Boundaries (Affirmations to help deal with setting limits on what you’ll accept or tolerate)
I honor and value myself.
My body language demonstrates that I am sure of myself.
I feel good about spending money on products and services to care for my body and demonstrate that I value myself.
Affirmations to Feel Secure (Affirmations to help deal with narcissistic rages)
I acknowledge and protect my personal power.
I am safe and free.
I am connected with my authentic self.
Affirmations for Improving Self-trust (Affirmations to help deal with the effects of gaslighting)
I know and trust my own mind.
I love myself unconditionally.
I reaffirm for myself that I am on the right path.
Affirmations for C-PTSD Triggers (Affirmations to help deal with highly sensitive, reactive emotions activated by our environment or someone’s behavior or words.)
I hear, affirm, comfort, and validate my inner child.
I release past hurts into the universe.
My boundaries are a form of self-love.
Get it here (free shipping) or here. Outside the US? Go here.
Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.
Private Facebook group included for members only.
Join the Waitlist!
When someone’s vibe feels “icky,” or they have “unusual”personality quirks, would you know if they are genuine warning signs or if you could be in danger?
Coming Fall/Winter 2023
Icks, Personality Quirks, or Warning Signs? How to Know the Difference, by Diane Metcalf
Sign up for exclusive access to free chapters, progress, contests, and launch team, and be notified when it’s available!
Have you been caught off guard by toxic individuals? Want to enhance your ability to spot warning signs and protect yourself from emotional mistreatment and abuse? Look no further!
This upcoming book delves deep into the complexities of human behavior, guiding you through the maze of narcissists, psychopaths, manipulators, liars, and self-absorbed individuals. Learn the crucial skills to differentiate between harmless eccentricities and genuine red flags.
Feel empowered to rescue, protect and heal yourself from their mistreatment or abuse
I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self, Workbook and Journal, by Diane Metcalf
Experience the power of self-affirmation: using positive statements to improve well-being and performance. Learn research-based steps to write the most effective affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things.
Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism, by Diane Metcalf
For as long as I can remember, there was something “different” about my mother. She wasn’t like other mothers.
My mom didn’t hug or kiss, smile at, spend time with, or play with me. She never seemed happy to see me. She didn’t ask about my school day and wasn’t interested in knowing my friends. She seemed to have no interest in me or anything that I did. My mom called me hurtful names and obscenities, and at times, she ignored me, not speaking to me for days, weeks, or even months. When she felt sad I was expected to emotionally care-take her. When she didn’t feel like parenting, I was responsible for my siblings. When she lost her temper she hit. When I was disobedient, there were bizarre punishments.
I was not allowed to express feelings, ask questions, or show initiative or curiosity. My feelings were discounted, minimized, or invalidated. She re-wrote my memories, and I was expected to believe her version. I was to obey, stay quiet, and not question.
If any of this sounds familiar, you are not alone. If there is manipulation, power struggles, or cruelty in your relationship, this book can help. If you second-guess your memory, doubt your judgment or sanity, or continually seek your mother’s withheld affection, attention, approval, or love, this book can explain why.
Get the TOOLBOX posts twice monthly in your inbox!
About the Author
Drawing from her personal experiences of growing up in a dysfunctional household, Diane Metcalf has developed effective coping and healing strategies. With the assistance of professional therapists and mindful personal growth, she has honed her skills and now happily shares them with others who are interested in learning and growing.
As an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer, Diane is well-versed in topics such as narcissism, family dysfunction, abuse, and recognizing warning signs. Her extensive knowledge is drawn not only from her personal experiences, but also from her work in human service fields, including domestic violence, partner abuse, and court advocacy. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.
Diane’s transformational books on healing and personal growth, such as the highly acclaimed “Lemon Moms” series, offer emotional support and guidance in understanding narcissistic traits and healing past wounds. Her approach emphasizes self-awareness, intention, self-care, and establishing healthy boundaries as essential components in the healing process.
Learn more about the Lemon Moms series: Lemon Moms
As Mother’s Day approaches we’re inundated with ads that encourage us to remember our mothers and celebrate the special bond between mother and child. While these commercials may seem heartwarming, they can be difficult for those of us who didn’t have the same kind of relationship with our own mothers. It’s important to recognize that not all mothers are loving and nurturing, and promoting the myth of the “saintly mother” can be painful to those who have experienced a lack of maternal love.
Every year, finding an appropriate Mother’s Day card was a source of stress and emotional turmoil for me and many adult children of narcissistic mothers. Today there is greater awareness and sensitivity around family dysfunction and the reality that not all mothers are loving and kind. It’s easier to find cards with sentiments that don’t feel like lies, but the task of choosing a card still remains a source of stress for many adult children.
It’s worth acknowledging that mothering is a learned behavior and that there’s a wide spectrum of maternal behaviors, from healthy to toxic. If you have a narcissistic mother, or one who is self-absorbed, lacks empathy, and manipulates her children, Mother’s Day may bring up mixed emotions for you. You’re not alone if you struggle with feelings of guilt, shame, or confusion when it comes to this day.
Healing Wounds of Maternal Narcissism
When I decided to actively pursue healing and personal growth, a therapist presented the idea that my mother may have an undiagnosed and untreated mental illness, most likely a personality disorder. This was exciting and validating news for me because I had entertained that idea for a while. As I came to grips with the impact that my mother’s probable mental illness had on me, I felt a range of conflicting emotions.
A Journey of Self-Discovery and Recovery
Dr. Christine Hammond, a licensed mental health counselor who works with exhausted women and their families, has coined the term “Narcissism Awareness Grief” (NAG). NAG acknowledges the loss of a mother’s love, warmth, interest, and connection and recognizes that our mothers’ narcissistic traits have negatively impacted us. Through this acknowledgment, we can work through the six stages of Narcissism Awareness Grief, to arrive at the final phase: Acceptance. Within Acceptance, we don’t continue the relationship as it has been. Instead, we accept the fact that our mother will not change, and we stop trying to help her to change. This gives us a tremendous opportunity to move forward.
When you fully understand and accept that you cannot change or control your mother’s perception of you, the ball is truly in your court. It’s from the point of Acceptance that your life can change. I remember very clearly what it was like to experience Narcissism Awareness Grief. As I slowly became aware of the effects that my mother’s narcissistic traits had on me, I felt a mixture of shock, denial, disbelief, and a sense of overwhelming sadness. But realizing that my experience had a name, Narcissistic Victim Syndrome, and that I wasn’t the only one experiencing it, was a massive relief. Narcissistic trauma and abuse are real things, and we can recover from them. When we do, we discover that there’s nothing inherently wrong with us that makes us unlovable, as we may have been led to believe.
A Third Option
Unfortunately, in a mother and adult child relationship, cultural opinions often place the blame on the adult child for any relational issues. This contributes to their becoming stuck in a cycle of self-blame and wondering if anyone can truly love them if their own mother cannot. And when it comes to relationships with narcissists, experts often suggest that we have only two options: live on the narcissist’s terms, continually seeking their withheld love, acceptance, and affection or go “no contact.” For me, going “no contact” felt like an all-or-nothing choice that left no flexibility. I believe we have a third option: identify complex trauma symptoms and work to heal them, refuse to accept gaslighting and disrespect, learn to detach, lower your expectations, and set healthy, enforceable boundaries. Those actions will help put the relationship on your terms, and will work towards shifting the power dynamics, diminishing her power to continue hurting, humiliating, invalidating, and rejecting.
If you’re interested in learning more, I wrote a book called “Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism.”
Transform Your Relationship with Mother’s Day
Because Mother’s Day can be a challenging time for adult children of maternal narcissists, I’m providing some suggestions that may help:
Remember, it’s just one day, and you have the power to make it what you want.
Consider a generic card or skipping the card altogether.
Let go of expectations and focus on doing something you enjoy instead.
Allow yourself to feel and express your emotions. Try journaling to help process your emotions.
Shift your focus; try practicing gratitude, positive affirmations, some great self-care, or doing something kind for someone else.
Consider seeking professional help if Mother’s Day triggers feelings that are hard to deal with.
Find support groups online or in your area to connect with others who understand your experiences.
Honor and express gratitude to loving and kind mothers or other women who have shown you motherly love.
If you’re a mother, focus on yourself this Mother’s Day, celebrate your motherhood, and reflect on your values. Work to end the legacy of one-sided love.
Work on your recovery to break the cycle of mistreatment or abuse.
Acknowledge and support the healing journeys of other adult children.
Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.
Private Facebook group included for members only.
Join the Waitlist!
When someone’s vibe feels “icky,” or they have “unusual”personality quirks, would you know if they are genuine warning signs or if you could be in danger?
Coming Fall/Winter 2023
Icks, Personality Quirks, or Warning Signs? How to Know the Difference, by Diane Metcalf
Sign up for exclusive access to free chapters, progress, contests, and launch team, and be notified when it’s available!
Have you been caught off guard by toxic individuals? Want to enhance your ability to spot warning signs and protect yourself from emotional mistreatment and abuse? Look no further!
This upcoming book delves deep into the complexities of human behavior, guiding you through the maze of narcissists, psychopaths, manipulators, liars, and self-absorbed individuals. Learn the crucial skills to differentiate between harmless eccentricities and genuine red flags.
Feel empowered to rescue, protect and heal yourself from their mistreatment or abuse
I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self, Workbook and Journal, by Diane Metcalf
Experience the power of self-affirmation: using positive statements to improve well-being and performance. Learn research-based steps to write the most effective affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things.
Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism, by Diane Metcalf
For as long as I can remember, there was something “different” about my mother. She wasn’t like other mothers.
My mom didn’t hug or kiss, smile at, spend time with, or play with me. She never seemed happy to see me. She didn’t ask about my school day and wasn’t interested in knowing my friends. She seemed to have no interest in me or anything that I did. My mom called me hurtful names and obscenities, and at times, she ignored me, not speaking to me for days, weeks, or even months. When she felt sad I was expected to emotionally care-take her. When she didn’t feel like parenting, I was responsible for my siblings. When she lost her temper she hit. When I was disobedient, there were bizarre punishments.
I was not allowed to express feelings, ask questions, or show initiative or curiosity. My feelings were discounted, minimized, or invalidated. She re-wrote my memories, and I was expected to believe her version. I was to obey, stay quiet, and not question.
If any of this sounds familiar, you are not alone. If there is manipulation, power struggles, or cruelty in your relationship, this book can help. If you second-guess your memory, doubt your judgment or sanity, or continually seek your mother’s withheld affection, attention, approval, or love, this book can explain why.
Get the TOOLBOX posts twice monthly in your inbox!
About the Author
Drawing from her personal experiences of growing up in a dysfunctional household, Diane Metcalf has developed effective coping and healing strategies. With the assistance of professional therapists and mindful personal growth, she has honed her skills and now happily shares them with others who are interested in learning and growing.
As an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer, Diane is well-versed in topics such as narcissism, family dysfunction, abuse, and recognizing warning signs. Her extensive knowledge is drawn not only from her personal experiences, but also from her work in human service fields, including domestic violence, partner abuse, and court advocacy. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.
Diane’s transformational books on healing and personal growth, such as the highly acclaimed “Lemon Moms” series, offer emotional support and guidance in understanding narcissistic traits and healing past wounds. Her approach emphasizes self-awareness, intention, self-care, and establishing healthy boundaries as essential components in the healing process.
Learn more about the Lemon Moms series: Lemon Moms
Expectations are another name for the “shoulds” that we apply to ourselves and others. All of us have expectations, but we might only become aware of them when they are unmet, and we feel hurt or resentful. If they’re unrealistic, expectations can create more problems than they solve.
Some say that “expectations are premeditated resentments,” and I get it. When we tie our peace or happiness to someone else’s behavior, we allow them to hold power over us and potentially hurt us. Since our level of peace and happiness is directly proportionate to the expectations we maintain, it’s a good idea to check our expectations and make changes where needed. Have you ever considered that your expectations might be unrealistic?
Our expectations stem from our desires for certain people’s behavior, including our own. Some of our expectations may be realistic, while others may not.
It’s common to tie our worth or perceived value as a person to the expectations we hold. For example, if I expect my friends to acknowledge my birthday and they don’t, I could end up feeling unloved, forgotten, or uncared for. So, it’s equally important to share our expectations with others rather than requiring them to read our minds. If it’s important to me to be remembered on my special day, then it’s my responsibility to ensure that others know about thatexpectation, or I may be sorely disappointed.
Expectations can be too high or too low. Holding on tothese kinds of unrealistic expectations for ourselves and others is potentially damaging because it sets everyone up for failure. Unrealistic expectations are rigid; they don’t leave room for unexpected change or and they don’t allow flexibility. They are often fear-based. Maybe you’re afraid of losing something or someone or of someone taking something from you.
High expectations may be difficult or even impossible to achieve, leading to disappointment and feelings of failure and the “not good enough’s.”
Low expectations for ourselves and others can lead to the same kinds of feelings that high expectations do when they’re not met. Ironically, if we’re people-pleasers, we may purposefully or subconsciously set low expectations to avoid feeling disappointed. Either way, expecting too much or too little can lead to feeling resentful, angry, or hurt when that expectation isn’t met.
It can feel like an expectation is fair, reasonable, and realistic, but experience has shown that it can’t be met. Time to change that expectation! Flexible and adaptable expectations work best. Releasing unrealistic or unhealthy expectations brings peace.
If we use words like “never” and “always” when we think about our expectations, it indicates that they are unreasonable. Those expectations are unrealistic because they are rigid and lack space for change or flexibility. They use “black and white” (“all or none”) thinking.
If you’re unsure if an expectation is appropriate, seeking a trustworthy person’s perspective and feedback can be helpful.
Becoming aware of our expectations and detaching from the outcomes reduces the chance of feeling resentful in the future. When we practice detaching from outcomes, our fears and resentments can begin to diminish.
The Power of Managing Expectations
You know that how we interact with others is a choice. And how we interact with others, and the expectations we place on them, can make or break a relationship. For example, suppose we expect something from others without communicating about it or empathizing with their current situation. In that case, we may end up dealing with misunderstandings and feeling disappointed, resentful, angry, or hurt.
Mind reading was a regular expectation in my family of origin, and it caused a lot of misunderstandings, hurt feelings, anger, and resentment. It’s easy to believe that people in our lives will “just know” what we want or need at any given time. If they know us or LOVE us, they should just KNOW what we want or need without having to be TOLD, right? Not only do we expect them to know what we need and want automatically, but we assume that they’ll do those things too. When they don’t know the expectations and don’t follow through, we feel resentful. How ridiculous is that? And how unfair is that to them?
If we grew up in a dysfunctional or unhealthy environment, we might assume “bad things” will always be part of our lives. We may now be adults who expect the worst of others, or we may live fearfully.
Changing your attitudes about what you expect will change your life. Over time, you’ll become less likely to feel disappointed, angry, or resentful.
Breaking Free from Unrealistic Relationship Expectations
Releasing the fantasy of “perfect” relationships is crucial here. Social media contributes highly to this fallacy of perfection; posts showing others’ fabulous lives and “perfect” relationships can keep us focused on what we’re “missing out” on, contributing to unhappiness and resentment. Remember, there is no such thing as perfection. Perfection doesn’t exist. If you find yourself striving for perfection, do yourself a favor and stop struggling to achieve a non-existent standard. Continuing to hold onto unrealistic, unachievable expectations will only keep you stuck and unhappy with yourself or your relationships. It’s a no-win condition.
Setting boundaries and saying what you mean while meaning what you say will also go a long way in eliminating the potential for resentment to set in. A tool I have found useful when someone asks or requires something of me is asking myself whether I can do the thing without resentment. If my answer is no, then I don’t do it. I don’t offer explanations; remember, “no” is a complete sentence. I simply state that I’m sorry, but no, it’s not something I can do at this time. Maybe another time.
As you evaluate the expectations you have for yourself or someone else, try not to judge or label your feelings about them as good or bad. Feelings are neither good nor bad; they simply provide information. It will be useful information that you can repurpose in other areas of your personal development journey.
We’re always growing, so setting flexible expectations means that they can grow with us. Setting healthy expectations is possible with awareness, acceptance, self-compassion, and boundaries in place to maintain safety. Letting go of outdated, unrealistic expectations for ourselves and others can be a positive step in healing relational trauma.
The Power of Letting Go: Releasing Your Expectations for a Happier Life
Examine an expectation you have for a specific person. Is your expectation realistic? How do you know? How can you change it if it’s not?
How important is this expectation? Is it worth sleepless nights? Is it worth feeling angry, hurt feelings, or resentful? Is it worth losing or damaging the relationship?
Let go; detach from the outcome. Let others be who they are. Notice how this feels. Is it pleasant? Do you feel the need to control? Why or why not?
Let go of expectations around what people say (or don’t say) or what they do (or don’t).
Let go of outcomes. How does it feel? Scary? Anxiety-provoking? What can you do about that?
Make “letting go” of expectations a process. It’s not an event.
Focus on progress, not perfection.
Trust the process.
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When someone’s vibe feels “icky,” or they have “unusual”personality quirks, would you know if they are genuine warning signs or if you could be in danger?
Coming Fall/Winter 2023
Icks, Personality Quirks, or Warning Signs? How to Know the Difference, by Diane Metcalf
Sign up for exclusive access to free chapters, progress, contests, and launch team, and be notified when it’s available!
Have you been caught off guard by toxic individuals? Want to enhance your ability to spot warning signs and protect yourself from emotional mistreatment and abuse? Look no further!
This upcoming book delves deep into the complexities of human behavior, guiding you through the maze of narcissists, psychopaths, manipulators, liars, and self-absorbed individuals. Learn the crucial skills to differentiate between harmless eccentricities and genuine red flags.
Feel empowered to rescue, protect and heal yourself from their mistreatment or abuse
I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self, Workbook and Journal, by Diane Metcalf
Experience the power of self-affirmation: using positive statements to improve well-being and performance. Learn research-based steps to write the most effective affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things.
Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism, by Diane Metcalf
For as long as I can remember, there was something “different” about my mother. She wasn’t like other mothers.
My mom didn’t hug or kiss, smile at, spend time with, or play with me. She never seemed happy to see me. She didn’t ask about my school day and wasn’t interested in knowing my friends. She seemed to have no interest in me or anything that I did. My mom called me hurtful names and obscenities, and at times, she ignored me, not speaking to me for days, weeks, or even months. When she felt sad I was expected to emotionally care-take her. When she didn’t feel like parenting, I was responsible for my siblings. When she lost her temper she hit. When I was disobedient, there were bizarre punishments.
I was not allowed to express feelings, ask questions, or show initiative or curiosity. My feelings were discounted, minimized, or invalidated. She re-wrote my memories, and I was expected to believe her version. I was to obey, stay quiet, and not question.
If any of this sounds familiar, you are not alone. If there is manipulation, power struggles, or cruelty in your relationship, this book can help. If you second-guess your memory, doubt your judgment or sanity, or continually seek your mother’s withheld affection, attention, approval, or love, this book can explain why.
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About the Author
Drawing from her personal experiences of growing up in a dysfunctional household, Diane Metcalf has developed effective coping and healing strategies. With the assistance of professional therapists and mindful personal growth, she has honed her skills and now happily shares them with others who are interested in learning and growing.
As an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer, Diane is well-versed in topics such as narcissism, family dysfunction, abuse, and recognizing warning signs. Her extensive knowledge is drawn not only from her personal experiences, but also from her work in human service fields, including domestic violence, partner abuse, and court advocacy. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.
Diane’s transformational books on healing and personal growth, such as the highly acclaimed “Lemon Moms” series, offer emotional support and guidance in understanding narcissistic traits and healing past wounds. Her approach emphasizes self-awareness, intention, self-care, and establishing healthy boundaries as essential components in the healing process.
Learn more about the Lemon Moms series: Lemon Moms
Are you feeling mental, emotional, or physical distress from trying to please your mother and it's never good enough? You may be dealing with Narcissistic Victim Syndrome.
When someone's vibe feels "icky," or they have "unusual" personality quirks, would you know if they are genuine warning signs or if you could be in danger?
Discover the secrets of Identifying danger: join the book waitlist now!
Have you been caught off guard by toxic individuals? Want to enhance your ability to spot warning signs and protect yourself from emotional mistreatment and abuse? Look no further!
This upcoming book delves deep into the complexities of human behavior, guiding you through the maze of narcissists, psychopaths, manipulators, liars, and self-absorbed individuals. Learn the crucial skills to differentiate between harmless eccentricities and genuine red flags.
Feel empowered to rescue, protect and heal yourself from their mistreatment or abuse.
Sign up for exclusive access to free chapters, progress, contests, launch team, and be notified when it's available!
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