The Toolbox
  • Author’s Site
  • Book Sets
  • FREE
  • Self-talk
Author's Site
Book Sets
FREE
Self-talk
The Toolbox
  • Author’s Site
  • Book Sets
  • FREE
  • Self-talk
Browsing Category
Self-talk
Boundaries•Healing Affirmations•Self-talk

Why You Should Change Your Self-talk

I'm here, I'm alive, I'm grateful, I'm ready
December 2, 2022 by Diane M. Metcalf, MS No Comments

WORDS MATTER

If you’re familiar with my work, you know that during childhood, my mother used the fear of abandonment to control me. She threatened to give me away, put me in an orphanage, or send me to live with my father, whom she repeatedly said: “didn’t love us or want anything to do with us.”

I lived in constant fear of doing the “right thing,” whatever the right thing was at any particular time. “The right thing” could and did change without warning, so I needed to remain constantly alert for changes in her tone of voice, behavior, and in our home environment.

Document Links

  • THE POWER OF WORDS
  • HOW’S YOUR SELF-TALK?
  • ACTION TIME
  • HOW AFFIRMATIONS WORK
  • A POSITIVE MINDSET
  • AFFIRMATION THEORY
  • THE RESEARCH
  • TOOLS FOR HEALING

My mom parented by blaming, shaming, intimidating, threatening, and physically punishing me. In my earliest years, I learned that I was somehow to blame for everything that displeased her.  Second-guessing and doubting myself became my way of life. I felt like a burden, believing that I made her life harder simply because I existed. I stayed out of her way as much as possible. I felt lonely and alone.

Mother shared thoughts and feelings with me in frightening, highly emotionally charged, biased, and inappropriate ways. Gaslighting and the resulting cognitive dissonance distorted my perceptions and beliefs, but the cruelest thing of all was the name-calling. The gaslighting made me doubt my senses and distrust my mind, but the name-calling shredded my still-developing self-confidence and self-esteem,

THE POWER OF WORDS

Words matter. Written words and spoken words all matter. It matters what people say to you, and it matters what you say to yourself. For example, suppose you live with a narcissist or toxic person (or have one in your life). In that case, you already know that it negatively affects how you think about yourself, what you tell yourself, and how you treat yourself.

Her words and my already negative self-talk combined to confirm my beliefs; that I was unlovable, would never be good enough and didn’t matter.

This combination of negative self-talk and limiting beliefs kept me in a state of learned helplessness. Eventually, as an adult, I woke up to the fact that I was stuck. I’d been repeating the same hurtful relationship patterns throughout my adult life and wondering why I was unhappy. Finally, I realized that something had to change. So, among other things, I started examining, questioning and then changing my unsupportive inner dialogue into supportive, positive self-talk. My limiting beliefs began to fade away. As I started thinking differently about myself, my self-concept changed. My opinions about myself changed. I changed.

HOW’S YOUR SELF-TALK?

Have you ever really observed how you talk to yourself? Some of us are not very nice to ourselves, and others are just plain abusive. What kinds of things do you say to yourself? Is your self-talk positive and loving? Or maybe you beat yourself up and tell yourself hurtful things?

Have you ever tried talking to yourself as you would speak with a friend? How would that feel? Try being understanding, considerate, and kind to yourself. You would do that for your friend, right? You would encourage her, or him or them, wouldn’t you? You can start doing the same for yourself right now. Acknowledging your feelings about yourself when you make a mistake or struggle and choosing to comfort and care for yourself is called “self-compassion.” Self-compassion promotes positive, healthy self-care practices and a healthy mindset, which help to heal codependency.

It’s not surprising to know that what we tell ourselves is linked to how we feel about ourselves. Changing your self-talk from an unsupportive inner dialogue to an uplifting and proactive one brings about positive change. But if you beat yourself up for perceived failures or shortcomings, how does that help you? Does it motivate you to change? Does it keep you feeling bad and keep you stuck? How is it different from how your narcissistic mother treated you?

Do you tell yourself, “I’m just _______,” or “I’ve just always been this way,” or “that’s just how I’ve always been”? I have a couple of things to say about these types of comments: first, stop using the word “just.” When you add “just,” it implies that what you’re saying has low significance. It sounds apologetic and meek. Don’t believe me? Take the word “just” out of your self-talk. Say it with and without the word “just.” Do you see how it feels different? Are you more confident? Empowered? Serious? You tell me.

And what we say to ourselves isn’t only a description of what we believe about ourselves; it is a command. Your self-talk TELLS your mind what to think about you! When you tell yourself, “this is just who I am,” “I’ve always been _______,” or “I’ve always done ______,” it implies that there’s no room for change. These statements tell your brain, “this is it. This is final. There is no more.” Why would you want to do that? Chances are, you don’t know you’re doing it, and this is where self-awareness comes in. Start becoming aware of how you speak to yourself and the words that you use. Notice and take note for future reference.

Now, give yourself a break. You’re a human being, and no human being has ever been or will ever be perfect. Perfection doesn’t exist. Instead of comparing yourself to a non-existent standard, try focusing on your progress.

Results happen over time. Making positive life change is about progress, not perfection. Encourage yourself the way you’d encourage your friend or a small child. Tell yourself, “You’ve got this!” and eventually, you will get it! Be patient with yourself. It takes time to learn new things. Treating yourself with kindness, patience, and compassion does a lot towards reparenting yourself and healing your inner child too.

ACTION TIME

Thinking about and remembering what happened in our childhoods doesn’t promote healing. That’s where many of us get stuck. Recovery requires more than reading, educating ourselves, and revisiting old memories. It requires action: getting in touch with our feelings, prioritizing self-care, dumping limiting beliefs, learning to set boundaries and enforce them, learning new ways of communicating, increasing self-esteem and self-confidence, doing inner child and reparenting work, and emotionally detaching.

It means doing the work, and I believe it begins with changing our unconscious negative self-talk.

Until I began my healing journey in earnest, I continued to attract toxic people and exercise my codependency. I fixed and helped others without their invitation to do so. I felt resentful when they ignored my advice or were unappreciative of my help. It makes no sense, right? It didn’t feel great, either.

Reading, researching, and working through assorted therapies eventually led me into Narcissism Awareness Grief.  Once there, I finally came to terms with my childhood experiences and learned how, unhealed, they affected my adult relationships. I worked through the stages and continued learning coping skills like setting boundaries, emotionally detaching, improving self-care, and practicing strategic communication. As I found my voice and spoke my truth, my confidence and self-esteem grew. I began feeling whole and worthy for the first time in my life.

Narcissism specialists say that we have two choices when dealing with narcissists and those on the narcissism spectrum: live on their terms or go “no contact.” I suggest we have a third option: walk through the chaos and confusion armed with new coping skills, protected by boundaries, speaking our truth, and enjoying life as our true selves.

I talk about codependency a  lot in Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism. Codependency is at the very core of the changes we must make to heal from any kind of mistreatment or abuse.

Codependency is described as a set of maladaptive coping and survival skills. They are typically learned in childhood from feeling unsafe in the home environment or when with certain people. Living with real or perceived threats made it necessary for those who grew up like this to monitor our settings and control people and outcomes as best we could. It eventually felt natural to do this, and it became a way of life. Codependency can also be learned by imitating other codependents. It can be passed down through generations. This is known as “generational trauma.”

If we’re codependent, we grew up to be “people-pleasers.” We willingly play by the rules of others, losing our identity in the process. We rely on others for a sense of identity, approval, or affirmation. We support and “enable” others in their addictions, mental illness, immaturity, irresponsibility, or underachievement.

When we’re bogged down in codependency, it’s impossible to know our true, authentic selves. By using affirmations, we can become aware of our codependent thoughts and behavior and replace them with healthy, functional ones. We can finally connect with our authentic selves.

HOW AFFIRMATIONS WORK

Connecting with our authentic selves requires doing the necessary work to uncover our true selves for the first time. We can do this with affirmations.

Affirmations remind us of who we are when we are our authentic selves. By following our intuition, writing, and speaking positive affirmations, we can begin honoring and eventually becoming our true selves. Affirmations help us to find ourselves and create the best lives possible.

A POSITIVE MINDSET

Affirmations are designed to promote an optimistic mindset; they have been shown to reduce the tendency to dwell on negative experiences (Wiesenfeld et al., 2001.) Optimism is a powerful perception! When we replace negative thoughts with positive ones, we are creating a whole new narrative around “who we are” and what we can accomplish.

AFFIRMATION THEORY

There are three fundamental ideas involved in self-affirmation theory. Correctly written affirmations work according to this theory:

  1. By using positive affirmations, we can change our self-identity. Affirmations reinforce a newly created self-narrative; we become flexible and capable of adapting to different conditions (Cohen & Sherman, 2014.) Now, instead of viewing ourselves in a fixed or rigid way (for example, as “lazy”), we are flexible in our thoughts. We can adopt a broader range of “identities” and roles and define things like “success” differently. We can view various aspects of ourselves as positive and adapt to different situations more easily (Aronson, 1969.)
  2. Self-identity is not about being exceptional, perfect, or excellent (Cohen & Sherman, 2014). Instead, we need to be competent and adequate in areas that we value  (Steele, 1988.)
  3. We maintain self-integrity by behaving in ways that genuinely deserve acknowledgment and praise. We say an affirmation because we want to integrate that particular personal value into our own identity.

THE RESEARCH

Claude Steele, a social psychologist and emeritus professor at Stanford University, promoted self-affirmation theory in the late 1980s (Steele, C. M. 1988, Cohen, G. L., & Sherman, D. K. 2007).

Affirmation research focuses on how individuals adapt to information or experiences that threaten their self-image. Today, self-affirmation theory remains well-studied throughout social psychological research (Sherman, D. K., & Cohen, G. L., McQueen, A., & Klein, W. M. (2006.)

Self-affirmation theory has led to research in neuroscience and investigating whether we can “see” how the brain changes using imaging technology while using positive affirmations. MRI evidence suggests that specific neural pathways increase when we speak affirmations (Cascio et al., 2016). The “ventromedial prefrontal cortex,” involved in positive self-evaluation and self-related information processing, becomes more active when we speak positively about our values (Falk et al., 2015; Cascio et al., 2016).

Dr. Emily Falk and her colleagues focused on how people process information about themselves.  They discovered that by using positive affirmations, “otherwise-threatening information” is seen as more self-relevant and valuable (2015: 1979).  Cohen and Sherman found that using self-affirmations can help with threats or stress and that they can be beneficial for improving academic performance, health, and well-being (Cohen, G. L., & Sherman, D. K. 2014).

And Dr. Peter Harris’ research found that when using affirmations, smokers responded less dismissively to cigarette packet warnings and conveyed the intention to change their behavior (Harris et al., 2007).

The evidence suggests that affirmations are beneficial in multiple ways!

Positive affirmations:

  1. have been shown to decrease health-related stress (Sherman et al., 2009; Critcher & Dunning, 2015.)
  2. have been used effectively in “Positive Psychology Interventions,” or PPI, scientific tools and strategies used for increasing happiness, well-being, positive thinking, and emotions (Keyes, Fredrickson, & Park, 2012.)
  3. may help change the perception of otherwise “threatening” messages (Logel & Cohen, 2012.)
  4. can help us set our intention to change for the better (Harris et al., 2007) (Epton & Harris, 2008.)
  5. have been positively linked to academic achievement by lessening GPA decline in students who felt isolated in college (Layous et al., 2017.)
  6. have been demonstrated to lower stress (Koole et al., 1999; Weisenfeld et al., 2001.)
  7. provide health benefits by helping us respond in a less defensive or resistant manner when we perceive threats.

In a nutshell, using affirmations allows us to create an adaptive, broader self-concept, making us more resilient to life’s struggles. Whether it’s social pressure, health, or healing trauma, a broader self-concept is a valuable tool. 


If you’re interested in getting started with affirmations, check out
Life-Altering Affirmations, Change Your Self-talk Change Yourself
in the Lemon Moms Series, and the Workbook/Journal
“I Am: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self.” in the new series: “Be You and Own It”

New-Silhouette-LM-AFFIRMATIONS-2566x3846-1-683x1024 Why You Should Change Your Self-talk
2-1024x1024 Why You Should Change Your Self-talk

TOOLS FOR HEALING

Learn more about Dysfunctional Family Roles: Golden, Invisible, and Scapegoat

Get rid of expectations

Set some boundaries 

Learn about codependency and maladaptive survival skills learned in childhood

Take the Adverse Childhood Experiences quiz

Understand Narcissism Awareness Grief

Let go of what you can’t control by using positive-detachment

Practice mindfulness

More Resources You May Like:

Join the Free Email Survival Course:

Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.

Private Facebook group included for members only.

Register Here!
Free 8-week email Survival Course

    I respect your privacy. Unsubscribe at anytime.

    Get the TOOLBOX APP

    for instant information, support, and validation!

    Toolbox-App-on-Website-2 Why You Should Change Your Self-talk
    GOOGLEPLAY-EMBLEM Why You Should Change Your Self-talk
    app-store-logo Why You Should Change Your Self-talk

    2-1024x1024 Why You Should Change Your Self-talk

    I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self, Workbook and Journal, by Diane Metcalf

    A step-by-step method to learn how to write the highest vibrating, most powerful affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things.

    Quick US links:

    Author’s Site: Free Shipping
    Barnes and Noble
    Amazon
    Positivity Shop

    Get the TOOLBOX posts twice monthly in your inbox!

    Sign-up for twice monthly coping and healing strategies right to your inbox!
    ​
    ​
    Your Free Gift:
    An Inner Child Guided Healing Meditation MP3

      We respect your privacy. Unsubscribe at anytime.

      3D-3-book-series Why You Should Change Your Self-talk
      Visit the Author’s Site

      About the Author

      Facetune_06-05-2021-18-24-57-239x300 Why You Should Change Your Self-talk

      As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping and healing strategies. She happily shares those with those who want to learn and grow in their own recovery journies. 

      Diane is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer on narcissism, family dysfunction, and abuse. She draws from her personal childhood experiences, as well as her work in human service fields like domestic violence and partner abuse. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.

      Her transformational books about healing and moving forward include the highly praised “Lemon Moms” series. This emotionally supportive collection explains narcissistic traits and teaches how to reconcile past hurts to begin self-nurturing, healing, and moving forward.

      See what’s new on DianeMetcalf.com

      Learn about the Lemon Moms series: Lemon Moms

      This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

      Read more

      Please share!

      Reading time: 11 min
      Healing Affirmations•Self Care•Self-talk

      Ditch the Unsupportive Inner Dialogue

      self love
      March 6, 2022 by Diane M. Metcalf, MS No Comments

      It’s not surprising to know that our inner dialogue is connected to how we feel and think about ourselves. If you beat yourself up for perceived failures or shortcomings, how does that help you? Does it motivate you to change? Does it keep you feeling bad and keep you stuck? How is that different from how a toxic or abusive person treats you?

      Recovering from any kind of trauma, abuse or mistreatment requires more than reading, educating ourselves, and revisiting old memories. It requires getting in touch with our feelings, prioritizing self-care, dumping limiting beliefs, and learning to set and enforce boundaries. It means learning new ways of communicating, increasing self-esteem and self-confidence, and detaching from people who aren’t good for us.

      Quick document links

      • Negative and Unsupportive
      • Two Powerful Words
      • The Work
      • Positive Affirmations vs. Codependency
      • Healing Affirmations
      • Tools for Healing

      It means doing the work, and I believe that going from an unsupportive inner dialogue to an uplifting and proactive one brings about positive change.

      Until I began my own healing journey in earnest, I continued attracting toxic people and exercising my people-pleasing, codependent coping skills. I fixed and helped others without their invitation to do so. I felt resentful when they ignored my advice or were unappreciative of my help. Makes no sense, right?

      In regard to healing specifically from narcissistic abuse, narcissism specialists say that we have two choices when dealing with those on the narcissistic spectrum: 1. live on their terms or 2. go “no contact.” For me, going no contact felt like a form of avoidance, and it wasn’t in line with the goals I had for myself. I wanted to learn how to heal and get my power back, not avoid. Going “no contact” wasn’t the right choice for me. So, I created a third option: I walked through the chaos and confusion of my mother’s narcissistic behavior, armed with new coping skills and strategies while protecting myself with boundaries. Retooling my self-talk in the form of positive affirmations was part of that package too, and I’ve included some of my favorite affirmations at the bottom of this article. I hope you check them out!


      Negative and Unsupportive

      In talking about affirmations, you might be more familiar with the negative types; those hurtful, unkind, and destructive things we tell ourselves. They are unsupportive inner dialogues that run in the background of our thoughts. We hear them as that little voice that whispers, “you’re too fat to be wearing that,” or “none of these people care about what you think,” or “you’re not smart enough to do that.” Those negative affirmations can do a lot of harm to our self-confidence and self-esteem. It’s time to replace them. Let’s kick the negativity out altogether. When we’re on a path of self-discovery, recovery, and moving forward, negative self-talk has no place in our lives.

      If we grew up surrounded by dysfunction, especially in a narcissistic home, we got the message that we couldn’t do anything right, weren’t good enough, or didn’t matter. If we had a narcissistic mother, her words and behavior cut us deeply, like emotional knives. And long after we left home, that cruel, critical, internalized voice stayed with us.

      We may try convincing ourselves that we’re over-reacting, that no harm was done, or that those painful memories we keep experiencing never really happened (self-gaslighting.) However, denying the reality of a painful childhood and allowing emotional wounds to remain unhealed leaves us unprepared for life’s challenges as adults. Our unhealed triggers and wounded inner child can keep us stuck perceiving, feeling, and responding like frightened children.

      I-AM-1-150x150 Ditch the Unsupportive Inner Dialogue


      Two Powerful Words

      Positive, healing affirmations remind us of who we are when we are living as our authentic selves. Affirmations remind us of who we are when we are living as our true selves. By following our intuition, and writing and speaking positive affirmations, we begin to honor and eventually become our authentic selves and create our best lives possible. We become our best ”I Am.”

      Affirmations are designed to promote an optimistic mindset; they have been shown to reduce the tendency to dwell on negative experiences (Wiesenfeld et al., 2001.) Optimism is powerful! When we replace negative thoughts with positive ones, we create a whole new mindset and perspective about “who we are” and what we can accomplish.

      I-am-300x300 Ditch the Unsupportive Inner Dialogue

      The Work

      Using strong positive affirmations helps with boundary setting, feeling safe, improving self-trust and self-esteem, increasing self-confidence and personal empowerment, and healing C-PTSD symptoms.


      Positive Affirmations vs. Codependency

      Positive affirmations are the opposite of codependency. By speaking positive affirmations, we are reminded that we are powerful, that we matter, that we are worthy and that we already have the answers we seek. When we stand in this truth, our truth, we feel this. We know this.

      If we don’t frequently remind ourselves of who we are as our best selves we can easily slip into living on others’ terms and lose our identities. We can quickly become other-focused and work to become what someone else wants us to be. This loss of self is at the core of codependency, (aka enabling and people-pleasing.)

      I’ve heard it said that “damnation is the discontinuation of growth and development.” We may not know where we’re going, but let’s not go back to where we’ve been. Instead, keep growing, keep learning, keep moving forward, and continue healing. Learn to trust the ebb and flow of life and, most importantly, in yourself.

      Here are some healing affirmations from my book, Lemon Moms Life-altering Affirmations: Change Your Self-talk, Change YourSELF. They were specifically written for those who are in a relationship with someone who has narcissistic traits, but they can be useful to anyone who needs them. Many of them help diminish codependent thinking and behaving.

      These affirmations will help if you’re: healing from narcissistic or abusive interactions, progressing through Narcissism Awareness Grief, experiencing Narcissism Victim Syndrome, at any phase in the cycle of abuse, or living with someone who has distorted thinking or mental illness. Some affirmations are repeated in more than one category because they apply to more than one.

      I sincerely wish you healing and peace.

      If you’re interested in Lemon Moms Life-Altering Affirmations: Change Your Self-talk, Change YourSELF– it’s sold worldwide, including Amazon Kindle, Amazon Paperback, B&N Nook, B&N Paperback, Google Play, Apple Books

      Healing Affirmations

      For Calming Fight or Flight (Affirmations to help deal with hypervigilance)

      • I have confidence in myself.
      • The past is over. I happily focus on the present moment, feeling empowered.
      • I acknowledge and protect my personal power.
      • I am safe.
      • I hear, affirm, comfort, and validate my inner child.
      • I trust my mind.
      • I trust my decisions.
      • My self-talk is strictly positive.
      • I trust my senses of sight, hearing, smell, taste, and touch.
      • I am whole.
      • I can, and I will.
      • I heal more every day.
      • I am in control of what I think and how I feel.
      • I am a survivor and healed warrior. 
      • Today I give myself the freedom to make an error and know that it does not affect my worth as a human being.
      • I release old habits and practice new ones.
      • I let go of controlling or manipulating others.
      • I know and trust my own mind.

      For Working Through Narcissism Awareness Grief (Affirmations to help deal with feelings of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, rewriting, acceptance)

      • I always mattered, but my mother couldn’t see it or acknowledge it.
      • I am in charge. Today’s thoughts create my future.
      • I hear, affirm, comfort, and validate my inner child.
      • This is stressful, so I take extra good care of myself today.
      • I stay in the present and focus on one day at a time.
      • I let myself rest without judgment.
      • I am kind and gentle with myself.
      • Today I honor and cherish my inner child, who was blameless then and now.
      • Now is the time to step into my power.
      • I am loved, loving and lovable.
      • I can do hard things.
      • When I have a problem, I focus on solutions.
      • I am naturally relaxed and confident.
      • I am safe and secure.
      • I am emotionally and physically strong.
      • I allow peace into my life.
      • I effectively communicate my needs and desires.
      • I accept that others love the best they can and may be limited in their ability to express love.
      • I am centered and focused.
      • I am unaffected by the desires of others

      To Feel Accepted (Affirmations to help deal with being scapegoated and rejected)

      • I use my voice, and I am heard.
      • Only I can determine my self-worth.
      • I let go of the need for others to validate me.
      • I value myself.
      • I am human. It’s OK to be imperfect.
      • I focus on what I can control, and I release the rest.
      • I make healthy choices for myself.
      • I ask for help when I am struggling.
      • I allow others to live their lives and release the need to worry or control.
      • I am stronger than I thought.
      • I lean on others for support, and I am lovingly supported.
      • I find something for which to be grateful every day.
      • I am loving, intelligent, and creative, and I make positive changes in my life.
      • I am a survivor and healed warrior. 
      • I deserve good things in life.
      • My relationships are respectful and peaceful.
      • I release old habits and practice new ones.
      • I am connected with my authentic self.
      • I express myself confidently.
      • I hear my intuition and inner wisdom, and I listen.
      • I am well and worthy. 
      • I know and trust my own mind.
      • My boundaries are a form of self-love.
      • Only I can determine my self-worth.

      To Heal Betrayal Wounds (Affirmations to help deal with narcissistic dishonesty and lies)

      • I use my voice, and I am heard.
      • I let go of the need for others to validate me.
      • Only I can determine my self-worth.
      • I listen when my heart talks to me.
      • I reaffirm for myself that I am on the right path.
      • I happily focus on the present moment, feeling empowered.
      • I focus on what I can control, and I release the rest.
      • I lean on others for support, and I am lovingly supported.
      • I value myself.
      • I rely on my higher power for strength and guidance.
      • I easily dial up my confidence anytime I want.
      • I acknowledge the things that I like about myself and add to that list regularly.
      • I am resilient.
      • I am unaffected by others’ negativity.
      • I see the good things in myself.
      • When I feel overwhelmed, I choose healthy ways to cope.
      • I am intelligent and use my mind to make my life better.
      • I am a caring person, and people care about me.
      • I have strong intuition, and I trust it even if I don’t like what it tells me.
      • When I see red flags occurring in people or relationships, I pay attention to them and respond accordingly.
      • I ask for clarification when I am confused.

      To Heal Shame (Affirmations to help deal with feeling ashamed)

      • I am worthy of love, happiness, and fulfillment.
      • Only I can determine my self-worth.
      • I have everything I need to be successful.
      • I am strong and resilient.
      • I am complete and whole.
      • I embrace change. I am the author of my story.
      • I embrace my new life even when it makes others uncomfortable.
      • I hear, affirm, comfort, and validate my inner child.
      • I allow without judgment.
      • I focus on what I can control, and I release the rest.
      • Everything is working for my highest good.
      • I belong. I know that I am safe.
      • I have everything I need. I am safe. I am loved.
      • I feel safe wherever I am.
      • I give my time and energy to those who deserve it.

      Tools for Healing

      Learn why what you tell yourself matters

      Learn how to protect yourself with boundaries 

      Learn about the narcissistic abuse cycle

      Learn about dysfunctional family roles

      More Resources You May Like:

      Join the Free Email Survival Course:

      Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.

      Private Facebook group included for members only.

      Register Here!
      Free 8-week email Survival Course

        I respect your privacy. Unsubscribe at anytime.

        Get the TOOLBOX APP

        for instant information, support, and validation!

        Toolbox-App-on-Website-2 Ditch the Unsupportive Inner Dialogue
        GOOGLEPLAY-EMBLEM Ditch the Unsupportive Inner Dialogue
        app-store-logo Ditch the Unsupportive Inner Dialogue

        2-1024x1024 Ditch the Unsupportive Inner Dialogue

        I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self, Workbook and Journal, by Diane Metcalf

        A step-by-step method to learn how to write the highest vibrating, most powerful affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things.

        Quick US links:

        Author’s Site: Free Shipping
        Barnes and Noble
        Amazon
        Positivity Shop

        Get the TOOLBOX posts twice monthly in your inbox!

        Sign-up for twice monthly coping and healing strategies right to your inbox!
        ​
        ​
        Your Free Gift:
        An Inner Child Guided Healing Meditation MP3

          We respect your privacy. Unsubscribe at anytime.

          3D-3-book-series Ditch the Unsupportive Inner Dialogue
          Visit the Author’s Site

          About the Author

          Facetune_06-05-2021-18-24-57-239x300 Ditch the Unsupportive Inner Dialogue

          As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping and healing strategies. She happily shares those with those who want to learn and grow in their own recovery journies. 

          Diane is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer on narcissism, family dysfunction, and abuse. She draws from her personal childhood experiences, as well as her work in human service fields like domestic violence and partner abuse. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.

          Her transformational books about healing and moving forward include the highly praised “Lemon Moms” series. This emotionally supportive collection explains narcissistic traits and teaches how to reconcile past hurts to begin self-nurturing, healing, and moving forward.

          See what’s new on DianeMetcalf.com

          Learn about the Lemon Moms series: Lemon Moms

          This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

          Read more

          Please share!

          Reading time: 9 min
          Boundaries•Healing Affirmations•Scapegoating•Self-talk

          How Verbal Abuse Affects Us

          Self Talk
          October 18, 2021 by Diane M. Metcalf, MS No Comments

          Narcissism specialists say that we have two choices when dealing with narcissists and those on the narcissistic spectrum: live on their terms or go “no contact.” I suggest we have a third option: walk through the chaos and confusion armed with new strategies and coping skills and protected by solid, healthy boundaries.

          Quick Links:

          • Getting There
          • Words Matter
          • Pleasing and Appeasing
          • How Affirmations Work
          • A Positive Mindset
          • Affirmation Theory
          • The Research
          • More tools for healing:

          Getting There

          In my own recovery journey, reading, researching, and working through various therapies eventually led me into Narcissism Awareness Grief (NAG).  I finally acknowledged my negative, traumatic childhood experiences and learned how, unhealed, they affected my adult relationships. I diligently worked through the stages of NAG and continued learning new coping skills like setting boundaries, positively emotionally detaching, and practicing strategic communication. As I found my voice and spoke my truth, my confidence and self-esteem grew. I began feeling whole and worthy for the first time in my life.

          If you’ve read “Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism,” you know that one of the ways my mother manipulated and controlled me as a child was to use the fear of abandonment. She threatened to give me away, put me in an orphanage, or send me to live with my father, whom she repeatedly said: “didn’t love us or want anything to do with us.” I lived in constant fear of doing the “right thing,” whatever the right thing was at any particular time. “The right thing” could and did change without warning, so I needed to remain constantly alert for changes in her tone of voice, behavior, and our home environment.

          My mom parented by blaming, shaming, intimidating, threatening, and physically punishing. In the earliest years of my life, I learned that I was somehow to blame for everything that displeased her.  Second-guessing and doubting myself became my way of life. I felt like a burden, believing that I made her life harder simply because I existed. I stayed out of her way as much as possible. I grew up feeling lonely and alone.

          My mother shared her thoughts and feelings with me in frightening, highly emotionally charged, biased, and inappropriate ways. Gaslighting and the resulting cognitive dissonance distorted my perceptions and beliefs. At age eight, my codependency had begun. Her behavior initiated the codependency process, and her words guaranteed it.

          Words Matter

          Written words, spoken words, they all matter. It matters what people say to you, and it matters what you say to yourself. If you live with a narcissist or toxic person (or have one in your life,) you already know that it can negatively affect how you think about yourself, what you tell yourself, and how you treat yourself.

          Oblivious of my codependency, her words and my own negative self-talk combined to confirm my beliefs that I was unlovable, would never be good enough, and didn’t matter.

          The combination of the negative self-talk and the limiting beliefs kept me in a state of learned helplessness. Eventually, as an adult, I woke up to the fact that I was stuck. I’d been repeating the same hurtful relationship patterns throughout my adult life and wondering why I was unhappy. Finally, I realized that something had to change. So, among other things, I started examining, questioning and then changing my unsupportive inner dialogue into supportive, positive self-talk. I watched in awe as my limiting beliefs began to fade away. As I started thinking differently about myself, my self-identity changed. My opinions about myself changed. I changed.

          Pleasing and Appeasing

          I talk about codependency a  lot in Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism. Codependency is at the very core of the changes we need to make in ourselves, so we can heal from the mistreatment or abuse.

          Codependency is described as a set of maladaptive coping skills. They are typically learned in childhood when feeling unsafe in the home environment. Living with real or perceived threats makes it necessary for those growing up like this to monitor their settings and control people and outcomes to feel safe. It eventually feels natural to do this, and it becomes a way of life. Codependency can also be learned by imitating other codependents. It can be passed down through generations. This is known as “generational trauma.”

          If we’re codependent, we became that way as a survival mechanism. Becoming codependent helped us survive a chaotic, confusing, and possibly dangerous environment. Then we grew up and found ourselves to be “people-pleasers” who willingly play by the rules of others and lose our identity in the process. We rely on others for a sense of identity, approval, or affirmation. We support and “enable” others in their addictions, mental illness, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement. As adults, we can eliminate codependent thinking and acting by learning new tools, skills, and strategies.

          When we’re bogged down in codependency, it’s impossible to know our true, authentic selves. But by using affirmations, we can become aware of our codependent thoughts and behavior and replace them with healthy, functional ones. And we can finally get to know our real selves.

          How Affirmations Work

          Affirmations remind us of who we are when we are our authentic selves. By writing and speaking positive affirmations, we can begin honoring and eventually becoming our true selves. Affirmations help us to find ourselves and create our best lives possible.

          A Positive Mindset

          Affirmations are designed to promote an optimistic mindset; they have been shown to reduce the tendency to dwell on negative experiences (Wiesenfeld et al., 2001.) Optimism is powerful! When we replace negative thoughts with positive ones, we create a whole new narrative around “who we are” and what we can accomplish.

          pexels-prasanth-inturi-1051838-300x180 How Verbal Abuse Affects Us

          Affirmation Theory

          There are three fundamental ideas involved in self-affirmation theory. First, correctly written affirmations work according to this theory:

          1. By using positive affirmations, we can change our self-identity. Affirmations reinforce a newly created self-narrative; we become flexible and capable of adapting to different conditions (Cohen & Sherman, 2014.) Now, instead of viewing ourselves in a fixed or rigid way (for example, as “lazy”), we are flexible in our thoughts. We can adopt a broader range of “identities” and roles and define things like “success” differently. We can view various aspects of ourselves as positive and adapt to different situations more easily (Aronson, 1969.)
          2. Self-identity is not about being exceptional, perfect, or excellent (Cohen & Sherman, 2014). Instead, we need to be competent and adequate in areas that we value  (Steele, 1988.)
          3. We maintain self-integrity by behaving in ways that genuinely deserve acknowledgment and praise. We say an affirmation because we want to integrate that particular personal value into our own identity.

          The Research

          Affirmation research focuses on how individuals adapt to information or experiences that threaten their self-image. Today, self-affirmation theory remains well-studied throughout social psychological research.

          Self-affirmation theory has led to research in neuroscience and investigating whether we can “see” how the brain changes using imaging technology while using positive affirmations. MRI evidence suggests that specific neural pathways increase when we speak affirmations (Cascio et al., 2016). For example, the “ventromedial prefrontal cortex,” involved in positive self-evaluation and self-related information processing, becomes more active when we speak positively about our values (Falk et al., 2015; Cascio et al., 2016).

          The evidence suggests that affirmations are beneficial in multiple ways.

          Positive affirmations:

          1. have been shown to decrease health-related stress (Sherman et al., 2009; Critcher & Dunning, 2015.)
          2. have been used effectively in “Positive Psychology Interventions,” or PPI, scientific tools and strategies used for increasing happiness, well-being, positive thinking, and emotions (Keyes, Fredrickson, & Park, 2012.)
          3. may help change the perception of otherwise “threatening” messages (Logel & Cohen, 2012.)
          4. can help us set our intention to change for the better (Harris et al., 2007) (Epton & Harris, 2008.)
          5. have been positively linked to academic achievement by lessening GPA decline in students who felt isolated in college (Layous et al., 2017.)
          6. have been demonstrated to lower stress (Koole et al., 1999; Weisenfeld et al., 2001.)
          7. provide health benefits by helping us respond in a less defensive or resistant manner when we perceive threats.

          In a nutshell, using affirmations allows us to create an adaptive, broader self-concept, making us more resilient to life’s struggles. A broader self-concept is a valuable tool!

          More tools for healing:

          Learn how to protect yourself with boundaries 

          Learn about dysfunctional family roles

          Learn about codependency 

          Understand the narcissistic abuse cycle

          Learn about Narcissism Awareness Grief

          Let go of what you can’t control using positive detachment

          Learn why expectations can be harmful

          More Resources You May Like:

          Join the Free Email Survival Course:

          Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.

          Private Facebook group included for members only.

          Register Here!
          Free 8-week email Survival Course

            I respect your privacy. Unsubscribe at anytime.

            Get the TOOLBOX APP

            for instant information, support, and validation!

            Toolbox-App-on-Website-2 How Verbal Abuse Affects Us
            GOOGLEPLAY-EMBLEM How Verbal Abuse Affects Us
            app-store-logo How Verbal Abuse Affects Us

            2-1024x1024 How Verbal Abuse Affects Us

            I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self, Workbook and Journal, by Diane Metcalf

            A step-by-step method to learn how to write the highest vibrating, most powerful affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things.

            Quick US links:

            Author’s Site: Free Shipping
            Barnes and Noble
            Amazon
            Positivity Shop

            Get the TOOLBOX posts twice monthly in your inbox!

            Sign-up for twice monthly coping and healing strategies right to your inbox!
            ​
            ​
            Your Free Gift:
            An Inner Child Guided Healing Meditation MP3

              We respect your privacy. Unsubscribe at anytime.

              3D-3-book-series How Verbal Abuse Affects Us
              Visit the Author’s Site

              About the Author

              Facetune_06-05-2021-18-24-57-239x300 How Verbal Abuse Affects Us

              As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping and healing strategies. She happily shares those with those who want to learn and grow in their own recovery journies. 

              Diane is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer on narcissism, family dysfunction, and abuse. She draws from her personal childhood experiences, as well as her work in human service fields like domestic violence and partner abuse. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.

              Her transformational books about healing and moving forward include the highly praised “Lemon Moms” series. This emotionally supportive collection explains narcissistic traits and teaches how to reconcile past hurts to begin self-nurturing, healing, and moving forward.

              See what’s new on DianeMetcalf.com

              Learn about the Lemon Moms series: Lemon Moms

              This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

              Read more

              Please share!

              Reading time: 7 min
              Boundaries•Healing Affirmations•Self Care•Self-talk

              What You Say to Yourself Matters!

              blank face mask
              September 12, 2021 by Diane M. Metcalf, MS No Comments

              If you’re familiar with my blog or my work, you know I’m a huge fan of affirmations and any kind of positive self-talk. Heck, I even wrote a book about it! So let me ask you-

              How’s YOUR Self-talk?

              Have you ever really observed how you talk to yourself? Some of us are not very nice to ourselves, and others are just plain abusive. What kinds of things do you say to yourself? Is your self-talk positive and loving? Or maybe you beat yourself up and tell yourself hurtful things?

              Quick Links

              • Unconscious Commands
              • Action Time
              • More tools for healing:

              Have you ever tried talking to yourself as you would speak with a friend? How would that feel? Try being understanding, considerate, and kind to yourself. You would do that for your friend, right? You would encourage her, or him or them, wouldn’t you? You can start doing the same for yourself right now. Acknowledging your feelings about yourself when you make a mistake or struggle and choosing to comfort and care for yourself is called “self-compassion.” Self-compassion promotes positive, healthy self-care practices and a healthy mindset, which help to heal codependency.

              It’s not surprising to know that what we tell ourselves is linked to how we feel about ourselves. Changing your self-talk from an unsupportive inner dialogue to an uplifting and proactive one brings about positive change. But, if you beat yourself up for perceived failures or shortcomings, how does that help you? Does it motivate you to change? Does it keep you feeling bad and keep you stuck? How is it different from how your narcissistic mother treated you?

              Do you tell yourself, “I’m just _______,” or “I’ve just always been this way,” or “that’s just how I’ve always been”? I have a couple of things to say about these types of comments: first, stop using the word “just.” When you add “just,” it implies that what you’re saying has low significance. It sounds apologetic and meek. Don’t believe me? Take the word “just” out of your self-talk. Say it with and without the word “just.” Do you see how it feels different? Are you more confident? Empowered? Serious? You tell me.

              self-talk-300x200 What You Say to Yourself Matters!

              Unconscious Commands

              And what we say to ourselves isn’t only a description of what we believe about ourselves; it is a command. Your self-talk TELLS your mind what to think about you! When you tell yourself, “this is just who I am,” “I’ve always been _______,” or “I’ve always done ______,” it implies that there’s no room for change. These statements tell your brain, “this is it. This is final. There is no more.” Why would you want to do that? Chances are, you don’t know you’re doing it, and this is where self-awareness comes in. Start becoming aware of how you speak to yourself and the words that you use. Notice and take note for future reference.

              Now, give yourself a break. You’re a human being, and no human being has ever been or will ever be perfect. Perfection doesn’t exist. Instead of comparing yourself to a non-existent standard, try focusing on your progress.

              Results happen over time. Making positive life change is about progress, not perfection. Encourage yourself the way you’d encourage your friend or a small child. Tell yourself, “You’ve got this!” and eventually, you will get it! Be patient with yourself. It takes time to learn new things. Treating yourself with kindness, patience, and compassion does a lot towards reparenting yourself and healing your inner child too.

              Action Time

              Thinking about and remembering what happened in our childhoods doesn’t promote healing. That’s where many of us get stuck. Recovery requires more than reading, educating ourselves, and revisiting old memories. It requires action: getting in touch with our feelings, prioritizing self-care, dumping limiting beliefs, learning to set boundaries and enforce them, learning new ways of communicating, increasing self-esteem and self-confidence, doing inner child and reparenting work, and emotionally detaching.

              It means doing the work, and I believe it begins with changing our unconscious, negative self-talk.

              More tools for healing:

              Learn to set boundaries 

              Learn about dysfunctional family roles

              Understand trauma bonds

              Learn about codependency and maladaptive coping skills

              Understand the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle

              More Resources You May Like:

              Join the Free Email Survival Course:

              Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.

              Private Facebook group included for members only.

              Register Here!
              Free 8-week email Survival Course

                I respect your privacy. Unsubscribe at anytime.

                Get the TOOLBOX APP

                for instant information, support, and validation!

                Toolbox-App-on-Website-2 What You Say to Yourself Matters!
                GOOGLEPLAY-EMBLEM What You Say to Yourself Matters!
                app-store-logo What You Say to Yourself Matters!

                2-1024x1024 What You Say to Yourself Matters!

                I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self, Workbook and Journal, by Diane Metcalf

                A step-by-step method to learn how to write the highest vibrating, most powerful affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things.

                Quick US links:

                Author’s Site: Free Shipping
                Barnes and Noble
                Amazon
                Positivity Shop

                Get the TOOLBOX posts twice monthly in your inbox!

                Sign-up for twice monthly coping and healing strategies right to your inbox!
                ​
                ​
                Your Free Gift:
                An Inner Child Guided Healing Meditation MP3

                  We respect your privacy. Unsubscribe at anytime.

                  3D-3-book-series What You Say to Yourself Matters!
                  Visit the Author’s Site

                  About the Author

                  Facetune_06-05-2021-18-24-57-239x300 What You Say to Yourself Matters!

                  As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping and healing strategies. She happily shares those with those who want to learn and grow in their own recovery journies. 

                  Diane is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer on narcissism, family dysfunction, and abuse. She draws from her personal childhood experiences, as well as her work in human service fields like domestic violence and partner abuse. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.

                  Her transformational books about healing and moving forward include the highly praised “Lemon Moms” series. This emotionally supportive collection explains narcissistic traits and teaches how to reconcile past hurts to begin self-nurturing, healing, and moving forward.

                  See what’s new on DianeMetcalf.com

                  Learn about the Lemon Moms series: Lemon Moms

                  This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

                  Read more

                  Please share!

                  Reading time: 3 min
                  Boundaries•Healing Affirmations•Self Care•Self-talk

                  How Affirmations Can Change Your Life

                  Healing Affirmations
                  May 24, 2021 by Diane M. Metcalf, MS No Comments

                  Using Affirmations to Heal Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome

                  When we grew up in dysfunction, especially in narcissistic homes, we couldn’t do anything right. Whether intentional or not, if we had a narcissistic mother, her “ emotional daggers” hurt us deeply. Long after we left home, that cruel, critical voice stayed with us inside.

                  We may have tried convincing ourselves that we were over-reacting, that she didn’t mean any harm, or that it never even happened. Denying the reality of our childhood and allowing emotional wounds to remain unaddressed and unhealed leaves us unable to face life’s challenges in an adult manner. Our unhealed triggers and our wounded inner child keep us stuck, perceiving, feeling, and responding like a frightened child.

                  Quick Links

                  • What are Affirmations?
                  • How Affirmations Work
                  • The Power of Optimism
                  • What the Research Indicates
                  • The Benefits
                  • Mindfulness
                  • Thoughts Become Things
                  • Short, Clear, Concrete, Positive and Present Tense
                  • Know What You Want
                  • More Tools for Healing:

                  When we’ve done the work and progressed through the stages of Narcissism Awareness Grief to arrive at Acceptance, it feels as if a burden has been lifted. Suddenly we can see clearly. We are finally able to face ourselves and confront the reality of our past fully. It is as if blinders have been removed from our eyes; we can see our past; where we came from, who we were, who we are, and who we can be. And we’re not afraid or threatened by it. We have a sense of understanding and a new feeling of personal power. We know what to do, and we know we’ll be OK.

                  We feel a sense of gratitude for allowing ourselves to question those unsupportive inner voices and challenge them. Now, we no longer feel the need to push them away. Now, we can sit with them and observe. And as we watch, we see our story unfold. We write and talk about it. We acknowledge the courageous little child we were, faced with a childhood full of confusion, doubt, and shame, and we feel compassion for ourselves.

                  Healing Affirmations can help each stage of  Narcissism, Awareness Grief, and afterward, set boundaries and replace codependent thinking and behavior with healthy ones.

                  What are Affirmations?

                  An affirmation is a simple positive statement made in the present tense. It impacts the conscious and the subconscious minds. By believing in a particular thought and saying it regularly, you begin to attract more positivity and higher vibrational people and things into your life.

                  The Law of Attraction is a viewpoint proposing that thinking positive thoughts bring about positive results, and negative thoughts bring negative ones. The theory is based on the belief that thoughts are a form of energy. So, positive thoughts attract positive energy; positivity, and success in health, finances, relationships, etc. As the “Law of Attraction” states, “like attracts like.”

                  “Healing” affirmations are positive statements about your well-being. They are based on the belief that your thoughts influence your physical and emotional health. The best news is that you don’t have to be sick to use healing affirmations!

                  Saying your affirmations to yourself is all about becoming your “authentic self.” You are more easily able to connect with your authentic self when your vibration is high. When we are not vibrating highly, unhealthy, unsupportive inner dialogue can remain our default way of life.

                  Positive affirmations work best when they are highly personal. They are a self-talk approach that creates a motivating outlook on life. Affirmations help you elevate your emotional vibration when you’re in a lower vibrational pattern feeling emotions like fear, worry, anxiety, doubt, or powerlessness. Using positive affirmations is one of the quickest ways you can raise your vibration. They are a powerful tool for manifestation and can lift your attitude at the same time.

                  As you continue to use your affirmations, your vibration will increase, and you’ll notice you feel lighter, happier, and more peaceful.  You’ll begin to attain your goals, fulfill your desires, and attract the people and experiences you want.

                  How Affirmations Work

                  Affirmations remind us of who we are and who we want to be. They help us to create our most authentic selves and connect us with our higher selves.

                  The journey out of codependency means finding ourselves, discovering our true selves, our authentic selves, for the first time. When we are caught up in codependent behaviors, we don’t have an authentic self. In his book “Codependency, An Emerging Issue,” Robert Subby says that it results from household rules preventing the “open expression” of feelings. (Pompano Beach, FL, Health Communications Inc.,1984, pp. 34-44)

                  Listen to your intuition, and your inner voice before you begin writing affirmations. Let your inner compass direct the course of your life. What is your inner voice telling you? What do you need to work on? When we use affirmations, we honor ourselves, listening to our intuition and higher power to become our authentic selves.

                  Allow the journey to begin because you love yourself.

                  The Power of Optimism

                  Affirmations are written and designed to promote an optimistic mindset. Optimism is a powerful attitude! Affirmations have been shown to help reduce the tendency to dwell on negative experiences (Wiesenfeld et al., 2001.)

                  When we replace negative thoughts with positive statements, we create a  whole new hopeful and flexible narrative around “who we are” and what we can accomplish.

                  There are three main ideas underlying self-affirmation theory, and correctly written affirmations work according to this theory:

                  First, by using positive affirmations, we can change our self-identity. Affirmations reinforce our newly created  self-narrative; that we are flexible, moral, and capable of adapting to different conditions (Cohen & Sherman, 2014.)

                  Instead of viewing ourselves in a “fixed” or rigid way, for example, as “lazy” or “selfish,” when we are flexible, we can see ourselves as much more. We can adopt a wider range of “identities” and roles, which means we can define things like “success” differently. This means that we can view the various aspects of ourselves as positive and adapt to different situations more easily (Aronson, 1969.)

                  Second, self-affirmation theory maintains that self-identity is not about being exceptional, perfect, or excellent (Cohen & Sherman, 2014). Instead, to be moral, flexible, and good, we need to be competent and adequate in areas that we value  (Steele, 1988.)

                  Third, we maintain our self-integrity by behaving in ways that genuinely deserve acknowledgment and praise. This means that we say an affirmation because we want to live that particular personal value.

                  What the Research Indicates

                  Affirmation research focuses on how individuals adapt to information or experiences that threaten their self-image. Claude Steele, a social psychologist and emeritus professor at Stanford University, promoted self-affirmation theory in the late 1980s (Steele, C. M. 1988, Cohen, G. L., & Sherman, D. K. 2007). Today, self-affirmation theory remains well-studied throughout social psychological research (Sherman, D. K., & Cohen, G. L., McQueen, A., & Klein, W. M. 2006).

                  Using self-affirmations can help us cope with threats or stress and can be beneficial for improving academic performance, health, and well-being. (Cohen, G. L., & Sherman, D. K. 2014).

                  Self-affirmation theory has led to research in neuroscience, investigating whether we can “see” how the brain changes using imaging technology when using positive affirmations.

                  MRI evidence suggests that specific neural pathways increase when we speak our affirmations (Cascio et al., 2016). The “ventromedial prefrontal cortex,” involved in positive valuation and self-related information processing, becomes more active when we speak positively about our values (Falk et al., 2015; Cascio et al., 2016).

                  Falk and her colleagues focused on how we process information about ourselves.  They found that when we practice positive affirmations, we’re more able to perceive “otherwise-threatening information as more self-relevant and valuable” (2015: 1979). This can have several benefits.

                  Evidence suggests that using positive self-affirmations is beneficial. Here are  six examples from the  experiential research:

                  • Positive affirmations have been shown to decrease health-related stress (Sherman et al., 2009; Critcher & Dunning, 2015.)

                  • Positive affirmations have been used effectively in Positive Psychology Interventions (scientific tools and strategies used for increasing happiness, wellbeing, positive thinking, and emotions, (Keyes, Fredrickson, & Park, 2012.)

                  • Positive affirmation may help change the perception of otherwise “threatening” messages (Logel & Cohen, 2012.)

                  • Positive affirmation can help us set our intention to change for the better (Harris et al., 2007) and eat more fruit and vegetables (Epton & Harris, 2008.)

                  • Positive affirmations have been positively linked to academic achievement by lessening GPA decline in students who feel left out at college (Layous et al., 2017.)

                  • Positive affirmation has been demonstrated to lower stress (Koole et al., 1999; Weisenfeld et al., 2001.)

                  The Benefits 

                  As we’ve seen, positive affirmations can provide health benefits by helping us to respond in a less defensive or resistant way when we perceive real or imagined threats. One study found that when using affirmations,  smokers responded less dismissively to graphic cigarette packet warnings and conveyed the intention to change their behavior (Harris et al., 2007).

                  But more generally, using affirmations allows us to create an adaptive, broader self-concept, making us more resilient to life’s struggles. Whether it’s social pressure, health, or healing our trauma, a broader self-concept is an extremely helpful tool.

                  healing-hug How Affirmations Can Change Your Life

                  Mindfulness

                  When implementing any change,  to be successful, you must be aware of the change you want to make throughout the day, every day. You must intentionally commit to making the change daily. We’ll talk more about intentions and intentionality later.

                  What do you want to change about yourself? Do you have characteristics that you criticize, judge, and scorn? Maybe you have habits or perceived shortcomings that you’d like to give up?  Is there an aspect of your life that you want to develop? Your answers to questions like these can give you ideas about the kind of positive affirmations you could use.

                  Thoughts Become Things

                  Our subconscious minds accept repeated affirmations as truth, even when the affirmations are negative. Become aware of your negative thoughts.

                  We want to use positive affirmations to change the way we think. If they’re created with a high vibrational frequency, we are more able to attract the things we’ve always wanted but believed we couldn’t have.

                  But if you don’t write your affirmations correctly, it can be an absolute waste of time. The key to writing successful affirmations to achieve the life you want is to be confident that what you are saying will actually happen. 

                  When you’ve learned how to write and use affirmations correctly, you can start manifesting your goals. It takes some practice and a bit of trial and error to figure out what works.

                  Short, Clear, Concrete, Positive and Present Tense

                  Affirmations that work the best are short, clear, concrete, positive, and in the present tense.

                  Use only a few words in your affirmations to make them easier to remember. To accomplish this, begin with a  short phrase like:

                  I am…

                  I easily…

                  I joyfully…

                  I clearly see, hear, do…

                  I excitedly…

                  I look forward with joy to…

                  I look forward to the opportunity that______provides for______.

                  Your affirmations should be authentic, meaning that they feel doable and true. Our quantum self (our “self” at the molecular level) recognizes the truth contained within our affirmations.

                  The above affirmational statements are concrete. They are solid, assertive, for a reason.  If you use words like “I feel,” it implies that your affirmation is temporary because feelings are temporary. Do you ever feel confident when you wear a certain item of clothing? What happens when you take it off? Do you see what I mean? The feeling of confidence may decrease or disappear altogether. When you say “I am,” it implies that it’s permanent, no matter the time, place, or situation. It says that you OWN IT.

                  Know What You Want

                  What is it that you want to achieve? What do you want to change about yourself?

                  Ask yourself questions to find a concrete answer to include in your affirmations. For instance:

                  “How can I _______________?” vs.  “I can’t because ___________. “

                  Do you see the difference between these two approaches? Asking questions prompts your mind to start looking for concrete answers, consciously and unconsciously.  Asking questions opens up possibilities. When you tell yourself you can’t, it stops your mind from considering solutions. It prevents new ideas from forming. You can see how this would not be a good approach for trying to change your thoughts, beliefs, and mindset. So ask the questions and write your answers. Write the first thing that comes to mind without censoring or editing. I recommend this because the first answer often comes from our higher self or intuition, and is the purest, and often a most concrete form of your answer.

                  Think about the goals you want to achieve, then write short statements that resonate with you.

                  Write them as if the desired outcome has already happened.

                  LM-AFFIRMATIONS-BEST-WITH-BORDER-1800-2700-scaled How Affirmations Can Change Your Life

                  For more information on how to use Healing Affirmations to heal emotional abuse, read book #3 in the Lemon Moms Series, Life-Altering Affirmations: Change Your Self-talk, Change YourSELF, available on Amazon and wherever books are sold.

                  More Tools for Healing:

                  Learn to set boundaries 

                  Learn about dysfunctional family roles

                  Understand trauma bonds

                  Learn about codependency and maladaptive coping skills

                  Understand the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle

                  More Resources You May Like:

                  Join the Free Email Survival Course:

                  Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.

                  Private Facebook group included for members only.

                  Register Here!
                  Free 8-week email Survival Course

                    I respect your privacy. Unsubscribe at anytime.

                    Get the TOOLBOX APP

                    for instant information, support, and validation!

                    Toolbox-App-on-Website-2 How Affirmations Can Change Your Life
                    GOOGLEPLAY-EMBLEM How Affirmations Can Change Your Life
                    app-store-logo How Affirmations Can Change Your Life

                    2-1024x1024 How Affirmations Can Change Your Life

                    I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self, Workbook and Journal, by Diane Metcalf

                    A step-by-step method to learn how to write the highest vibrating, most powerful affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things.

                    Quick US links:

                    Author’s Site: Free Shipping
                    Barnes and Noble
                    Amazon
                    Positivity Shop

                    Get the TOOLBOX posts twice monthly in your inbox!

                    Sign-up for twice monthly coping and healing strategies right to your inbox!
                    ​
                    ​
                    Your Free Gift:
                    An Inner Child Guided Healing Meditation MP3

                      We respect your privacy. Unsubscribe at anytime.

                      3D-3-book-series How Affirmations Can Change Your Life
                      Visit the Author’s Site

                      About the Author

                      Facetune_06-05-2021-18-24-57-239x300 How Affirmations Can Change Your Life

                      As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping and healing strategies. She happily shares those with those who want to learn and grow in their own recovery journies. 

                      Diane is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer on narcissism, family dysfunction, and abuse. She draws from her personal childhood experiences, as well as her work in human service fields like domestic violence and partner abuse. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.

                      Her transformational books about healing and moving forward include the highly praised “Lemon Moms” series. This emotionally supportive collection explains narcissistic traits and teaches how to reconcile past hurts to begin self-nurturing, healing, and moving forward.

                      See what’s new on DianeMetcalf.com

                      Learn about the Lemon Moms series: Lemon Moms

                      This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

                      Read more

                      Please share!

                      Reading time: 11 min
                      Anger•C-PTSD•Self Care•Self-talk

                      The Connection Between Wellbeing and Journaling

                      journal
                      January 20, 2021 by Diane Metcalf, MS No Comments

                      Do you journal?

                      A lot of us do. Journaling is a great way to work through our problems, express emotions, and get our thoughts OUT and onto paper. It’s a terrific way to affirm, pay attention to, and really “hear” ourselves. If you’ve ever journaled and felt the sense of clarity or peace that comes from collecting your thoughts and expressing them in writing,  maybe it’s time to try “expressive writing.”

                      Quick Links

                      • Benefits of expressive writing
                      • How it works
                      • Don’t like to write?
                      • References:
                      • Tools for healing

                      Expressive writing is a bit different from just writing thoughts and activities in a journal.  It is used as a way to deal with old or new traumatic events or memories. When using expressive writing, it is necessary to reflect on a specific challenge, traumatic experience, or memory in order to discover new meaning in the event.

                      Benefits of expressive writing

                      According to researcher Dr. James Pennebaker, a psychology professor at the University of Austin, Texas, people who use expressive writing to journal have improved mental and physical health.

                      Dr. Pennebaker pioneered a study of expressive writing as a coping mechanism for trauma. His and hundreds of other studies have verified the benefits achieved by people suffering from PTSD, cancer, depression, and various other mental and physical ailments. This journaling technique was found to strengthen the immune system, reduce pain and inflammation, lower infection rates from colds or flu, and decrease depression symptoms. It can also improve memory, sleep quantity and quality, and attitude. It’s clear that there are many benefits associated with expressive writing!

                      book-and-flowers The Connection Between Wellbeing and Journaling

                      How it works

                      Using expressive writing allows the writer to recognize a painful or traumatic experience and describe it as a problem to be solved. Doing this allows the writer to identify a particular problem and organize their thoughts and feelings, using written language to create the narrative. This process helps break the rumination cycle, which, in my experience, helps decrease or eliminate cognitive dissonance. Research shows that labeling our emotions actually calms the limbic system and the fight or flight response. (Look up “name it and tame it.”) The prefrontal cortex, which is in charge of executive functions, regains control, and a deeper meaning and understanding can be created around the memory or traumatic event. This leads the writer to feel a new sense of control and personal power regarding the traumatic event. The more we do this type of journaling, the easier it gets.

                      When people become more comfortable thinking about and remembering a traumatic event, they are more able to share their feelings with others. Expressive writing may indirectly lead writers to seek emotional support, thereby accelerating the healing process.

                      As demonstrated in a 2006 study published in the Journal of Psychological Science, expressive writing can also improve relationships. The study found that when one partner wrote about their relationship in detail, both partners began using more positive language when texting each other. The relationship also lasted longer.

                      Don’t like to write?

                      If you don’t like journaling, you can still use expressive writing. Recording your thoughts has been shown to work just as well.

                      To use the technique, write without judgment, self-editing, or correcting spelling or grammatical mistakes. Just write it as you think or feel it. Write for 15 to 20 minutes for at least three consecutive days. Deep dive into your thoughts and feelings and write about them in detail when you do this.

                      I’m a big fan of journaling using expressive writing. I wrote the “Lemon Moms Companion Workbook” to supply the necessary prompts, questions, and challenges to help you use expressive writing as one of your healing tools.

                      References:

                      How Do I Love Thee? Let Me Count the Words- The Social Effects of Expressive Writing

                      Feeling Upset? Try This Special Writing Technique

                      Expressive writing: Connections to physical and mental health

                      Tame Reactive Emotions by Naming Them



                      Could you be feeling the effects of Narcissism Awareness Grief? Download the free chapter to find out:

                      EXPERIENCING NARCISSISM AWARENESS GRIEF

                      from Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism



                      Tools for healing

                      Conscious awareness:  Be aware and make conscious choices before acting. Self-awareness releases us from making impulsive and potentially damaging decisions. Practice mindfulness.

                      Learn about setting boundaries 

                      Learn about codependency and maladaptive coping skills

                      Read “Facing our demons during isolation”

                      More Resources You May Like:

                      Join the Free Email Survival Course:

                      Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.

                      Private Facebook group included for members only.

                      Register Here!
                      Free 8-week email Survival Course

                        I respect your privacy. Unsubscribe at anytime.

                        Get the TOOLBOX APP

                        for instant information, support, and validation!

                        Toolbox-App-on-Website-2 The Connection Between Wellbeing and Journaling
                        GOOGLEPLAY-EMBLEM The Connection Between Wellbeing and Journaling
                        app-store-logo The Connection Between Wellbeing and Journaling

                        2-1024x1024 The Connection Between Wellbeing and Journaling

                        I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self, Workbook and Journal, by Diane Metcalf

                        A step-by-step method to learn how to write the highest vibrating, most powerful affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things.

                        Quick US links:

                        Author’s Site: Free Shipping
                        Barnes and Noble
                        Amazon
                        Positivity Shop

                        Get the TOOLBOX posts twice monthly in your inbox!

                        Sign-up for twice monthly coping and healing strategies right to your inbox!
                        ​
                        ​
                        Your Free Gift:
                        An Inner Child Guided Healing Meditation MP3

                          We respect your privacy. Unsubscribe at anytime.

                          3D-3-book-series The Connection Between Wellbeing and Journaling
                          Visit the Author’s Site

                          About the Author

                          Facetune_06-05-2021-18-24-57-239x300 The Connection Between Wellbeing and Journaling

                          As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping and healing strategies. She happily shares those with those who want to learn and grow in their own recovery journies. 

                          Diane is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer on narcissism, family dysfunction, and abuse. She draws from her personal childhood experiences, as well as her work in human service fields like domestic violence and partner abuse. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.

                          Her transformational books about healing and moving forward include the highly praised “Lemon Moms” series. This emotionally supportive collection explains narcissistic traits and teaches how to reconcile past hurts to begin self-nurturing, healing, and moving forward.

                          See what’s new on DianeMetcalf.com

                          Learn about the Lemon Moms series: Lemon Moms

                          This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

                          Read more

                          Please share!

                          Reading time: 3 min
                          Page 1 of 212»

                          Do You Have Narcissistic Victim Syndrome?

                          FIND OUT HERE!

                          Recent Posts

                          • Starting Fresh Requires Looking Back
                          • Why You Should Change Your Self-talk
                          • The Act of Shaming
                          • When a Caregiver is a Narcissist
                          • Narcissistic Lying

                          Older Posts

                          • January 2023
                          • December 2022
                          • November 2022
                          • October 2022
                          • September 2022
                          • August 2022
                          • July 2022
                          • June 2022
                          • May 2022
                          • April 2022
                          • March 2022
                          • February 2022
                          • January 2022
                          • December 2021
                          • November 2021
                          • October 2021
                          • September 2021
                          • August 2021
                          • July 2021
                          • June 2021
                          • May 2021
                          • April 2021
                          • March 2021
                          • February 2021
                          • January 2021
                          • December 2020
                          • November 2020
                          • October 2020
                          • September 2020
                          • August 2020
                          • July 2020
                          • June 2020
                          • May 2020
                          • April 2020
                          • March 2020
                          • February 2020
                          • January 2020
                          • December 2019
                          • November 2019
                          • October 2019
                          • September 2019
                          • August 2019
                          • July 2019
                          • June 2019
                          • May 2019
                          • April 2019
                          • March 2019
                          • February 2019
                          • January 2019

                          Categories

                          • Anger
                          • Books
                          • Boundaries
                          • C-PTSD
                          • Codependency
                          • Cognitive Dissonance
                          • Detaching
                          • Gaslighting
                          • Healing Affirmations
                          • Isolation
                          • Narcissism
                          • Resources
                          • Scapegoating
                          • Self Care
                          • Self-talk
                          • Shame
                          • Trauma
                          • Well-being

                          © 2023 DianeMetcalf.com | All Rights Reserved 
                           

                           

                          We use cookies to improve your experience. We'll assume you're ok with this, but you can opt-out if you wish. Cookie settingsI'd love some cookies!
                          Privacy & Cookies Policy

                          Privacy Overview

                          This website uses cookies to improve your experience while you navigate through the website. Out of these cookies, the cookies that are categorized as necessary are stored on your browser as they are as essential for the working of basic functionalities of the website. We also use third-party cookies that help us analyze and understand how you use this website. These cookies will be stored in your browser only with your consent. You also have the option to opt-out of these cookies. But opting out of some of these cookies may have an effect on your browsing experience.
                          Necessary
                          Always Enabled
                          Necessary cookies are absolutely essential for the website to function properly. This category only includes cookies that ensures basic functionalities and security features of the website. These cookies do not store any personal information.
                          SAVE & ACCEPT