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Healing Affirmations•Self Care•Self-talk

How to Ditch Your Unsupportive Inner Dialogue

self love
March 6, 2022 by Diane M. Metcalf, MS No Comments

It’s not surprising to know that our inner dialogue is connected to how we feel and think about ourselves. If you beat yourself up for perceived failures or shortcomings, how does that help you? Does it motivate you to change? Does it keep you feeling bad and keep you stuck? How is that different from how a toxic or abusive person treats you?

Recovering from any kind of trauma, abuse or mistreatment requires more than reading, educating ourselves, and revisiting old memories. It requires getting in touch with our feelings, prioritizing self-care, dumping limiting beliefs, learning to set boundaries and enforce them. It means learning new ways of communicating, increasing self-esteem and self-confidence, and detaching from people who aren’t good for us.

It means doing the work, and I believe that going from an unsupportive inner dialogue to an uplifting and proactive one brings about positive change.

Until I began my own healing journey in earnest, I continued attracting toxic people and exercising my people-pleasing, codependent coping skills. I fixed and helped others without their invitation to do so. I felt resentful when they ignored my advice or were unappreciative of my help. Makes no sense, right?

In regard to healing specifically from narcissistic abuse, narcissism specialists say that we have two choices when dealing with those on the narcissistic spectrum: 1. live on their terms or 2. go “no contact.” For me, going no contact felt like a form of avoidance, and it wasn’t in line with the goals I had for myself. I wanted to learn how to heal and get my power back, not avoid. Going “no contact” wasn’t the right choice for me. So, I created a third option: I walked through the chaos and confusion of my mother’s narcissistic behavior, armed with new coping skills and strategies while protecting myself with boundaries. Retooling my self-talk in the form of positive affirmations was part of that package too, and I’ve included some of my favorite affirmations at the bottom of this article. I hope you check them out!


Negative and Unsupportive

In talking about affirmations, you might be more familiar with the negative types; those hurtful, unkind, and destructive things we tell ourselves. They are unsupportive inner dialogues that run in the background of our thoughts. We hear them as that little voice that whispers, “you’re too fat to be wearing that,” or “none of these people care about what you think,” or “you’re not smart enough to do that.” Those negative affirmations can do a lot of harm to our self-confidence and self-esteem. It’s time to replace them. Let’s kick the negativity out altogether. When we’re on a path of self-discovery, recovery, and moving forward, negative self-talk has no place in our lives.

If we grew up surrounded by dysfunction, especially in a narcissistic home, we got the message that we couldn’t do anything right, weren’t good enough, or didn’t matter. If we had a narcissistic mother, her words and behavior cut us deeply, like emotional knives. And long after we left home, that cruel, critical, internalized voice stayed with us.

We may try convincing ourselves that we’re over-reacting, that no harm was done, or that those painful memories we keep experiencing never really happened (self-gaslighting.) However, denying the reality of a painful childhood and allowing emotional wounds to remain unhealed leaves us unprepared for life’s challenges as adults. Our unhealed triggers and wounded inner child can keep us stuck perceiving, feeling, and responding like frightened children.

I-AM-1-150x150 How to Ditch Your Unsupportive Inner Dialogue


Two Powerful Words

Positive, healing affirmations remind us of who we are when we are living as our authentic selves. Affirmations remind us of who we are when we are living as our true selves. By following our intuition, and writing and speaking positive affirmations, we begin to honor and eventually become our authentic selves and create our best lives possible. We become our best ”I Am.”

Affirmations are designed to promote an optimistic mindset; they have been shown to reduce the tendency to dwell on negative experiences (Wiesenfeld et al., 2001.) Optimism is powerful! When we replace negative thoughts with positive ones, we create a whole new mindset and perspective about “who we are” and what we can accomplish.

I-am-300x300 How to Ditch Your Unsupportive Inner Dialogue

The Work

Using strong positive affirmations helps with boundary setting, feeling safe, improving self-trust and self-esteem, increasing self-confidence and personal empowerment, and healing C-PTSD symptoms.


Positive Affirmations vs. Codependency

Positive affirmations are the opposite of codependency. By speaking positive affirmations, we are reminded that we are powerful, that we matter, that we are worthy and that we already have the answers we seek. When we stand in this truth, our truth, we feel this. We know this.

If we don’t frequently remind ourselves of who we are as our best selves we can easily slip into living on others’ terms and lose our identities. We can quickly become other-focused and work to become what someone else wants us to be. This loss of self is at the core of codependency, (aka enabling and people-pleasing.)

I’ve heard it said that “damnation is the discontinuation of growth and development.” We may not know where we’re going, but let’s not go back to where we’ve been. Instead, keep growing, keep learning, keep moving forward, keep healing. Learn to trust the ebb and flow of life and, most importantly, in yourself.

Here are some healing affirmations from my book, Lemon Moms Life-altering Affirmations: Change Your Self-talk, Change YourSELF. They were specifically written for those who are in a relationship with someone who has narcissistic traits, but they can be useful to anyone who needs them. Many of them help diminish codependent thinking and behaving.

These affirmations will help if you’re: healing from narcissistic or abusive interactions, progressing through Narcissism Awareness Grief, experiencing Narcissism Victim Syndrome, at any phase in the cycle of abuse, or living with someone who has distorted thinking or mental illness. Some affirmations are repeated in more than one category because they apply to more than one.

I sincerely wish you healing and peace.

If you’re interested in Lemon Moms Life-Altering Affirmations: Change Your Self-talk, Change YourSELF– it’s sold everywhere, including Audible, Amazon Kindle, Amazon paperback, B&N Nook, B&N paperback, GOOGLE PLAY, APPLE

Healing Affirmations

For Calming Fight or Flight (Affirmations to help deal with hypervigilance)

  • I have confidence in myself.
  • The past is over. I happily focus on the present moment, feeling empowered.
  • I acknowledge and protect my personal power.
  • I am safe.
  • I hear, affirm, comfort, and validate my inner child.
  • I trust my mind.
  • I trust my decisions.
  • My self-talk is strictly positive.
  • I trust my senses of sight, hearing, smell, taste, and touch.
  • I am whole.
  • I can, and I will.
  • I heal more every day.
  • I am in control of what I think and how I feel.
  • I am a survivor and healed warrior. 
  • Today I give myself the freedom to make an error and know that it does not affect my worth as a human being.
  • I release old habits and practice new ones.
  • I let go of controlling or manipulating others.
  • I know and trust my own mind.

For Working Through Narcissism Awareness Grief (Affirmations to help deal with feelings of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, rewriting, acceptance)

  • I always mattered, but my mother couldn’t see it or acknowledge it.
  • I am in charge. Today’s thoughts create my future.
  • I hear, affirm, comfort, and validate my inner child.
  • This is stressful, so I take extra good care of myself today.
  • I stay in the present and focus on one day at a time.
  • I let myself rest without judgment.
  • I am kind and gentle with myself.
  • Today I honor and cherish my inner child, who was blameless then and now.
  • Now is the time to step into my power.
  • I am loved, loving and lovable.
  • I can do hard things.
  • When I have a problem, I focus on solutions.
  • I am naturally relaxed and confident.
  • I am safe and secure.
  • I am emotionally and physically strong.
  • I allow peace into my life.
  • I effectively communicate my needs and desires.
  • I accept that others love the best they can and may be limited in their ability to express love.
  • I am centered and focused.
  • I am unaffected by the desires of others

To Feel Accepted (Affirmations to help deal with being scapegoated and rejected)

  • I use my voice, and I am heard.
  • Only I can determine my self-worth.
  • I let go of the need for others to validate me.
  • I value myself.
  • I am human. It’s OK to be imperfect.
  • I focus on what I can control, and I release the rest.
  • I make healthy choices for myself.
  • I ask for help when I am struggling.
  • I allow others to live their lives and release the need to worry or control.
  • I am stronger than I thought.
  • I lean on others for support, and I am lovingly supported.
  • I find something for which to be grateful every day.
  • I am loving, intelligent, and creative, and I make positive changes in my life.
  • I am a survivor and healed warrior. 
  • I deserve good things in life.
  • My relationships are respectful and peaceful.
  • I release old habits and practice new ones.
  • I am connected with my authentic self.
  • I express myself confidently.
  • I hear my intuition and inner wisdom, and I listen.
  • I am well and worthy. 
  • I know and trust my own mind.
  • My boundaries are a form of self-love.
  • Only I can determine my self-worth.

To Heal Betrayal Wounds (Affirmations to help deal with narcissistic dishonesty and lies)

  • I use my voice, and I am heard.
  • I let go of the need for others to validate me.
  • Only I can determine my self-worth.
  • I listen when my heart talks to me.
  • I reaffirm for myself that I am on the right path.
  • I happily focus on the present moment, feeling empowered.
  • I focus on what I can control, and I release the rest.
  • I lean on others for support, and I am lovingly supported.
  • I value myself.
  • I rely on my higher power for strength and guidance.
  • I easily dial-up my confidence anytime I want.
  • I acknowledge the things that I like about myself and add to that list regularly.
  • I am resilient.
  • I am unaffected by other’s negativity.
  • I see the good things in myself.
  • When I feel overwhelmed, I choose healthy ways to cope.
  • I am intelligent and use my mind to make my life better.
  • I am a caring person, and people care about me.
  • I have strong intuition, and I trust it even if I don’t like what it tells me.
  • When I see red flags occurring in people or relationships, I pay attention to them and respond accordingly.
  • I ask for clarification when I am confused.

To Heal Shame (Affirmations to help deal with feeling ashamed)

  • I am worthy of love, happiness, and fulfillment.
  • Only I can determine my self-worth.
  • I have everything I need to be successful.
  • I am strong and resilient.
  • I am complete and whole.
  • I embrace change. I am the author of my story.
  • I embrace my new life even when it makes others uncomfortable.
  • I hear, affirm, comfort, and validate my inner child.
  • I allow without judgment.
  • I focus on what I can control, and I release the rest.
  • Everything is working for my highest good.
  • I belong. I know that I am safe.
  • I have everything I need. I am safe. I am loved.
  • I feel safe wherever I am.
  • I give my time and energy to those who deserve it.

Tools for Healing:

Learn why what you tell yourself matters

Learn how to protect yourself with boundaries 

Learn about the narcissistic abuse cycle

Learn about dysfunctional family roles

More Resources You May Like:

2-1024x1024 How to Ditch Your Unsupportive Inner Dialogue

I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self

A Workbook and Journal

How to write the highest vibrating, most powerful affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things

Sold worldwide in any bookstore.

Quick links:

Barnes and Noble
Amazon
Walmart
Author Site

Join the Free Email Survival Course:

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from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.

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    The Lemon Moms Series:

    B&N
    Kindle
    Audible
    Amazon
    Nook
    Google
    Apple

    Available formats: eBook, audiobook, hardcover, paperback, and large print too!

    All are available worldwide at your favorite bookstore!

    If not stocked, store copies may be ordered through the global distributor, IngramSpark.

    For ordering through Amazon in the US and other countries:

    Amazon US, Amazon UK,  Amazon Germany, Amazon France, Amazon Italy, Amazon Japan, Amazon Canada, Amazon Australia, Amazon Netherlands, Amazon Spain

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      About the Author

      Facetune_06-05-2021-18-24-57 How to Ditch Your Unsupportive Inner Dialogue

      As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping skills and healing strategies for herself. She happily shares those with others who want to learn and grow. 

      Her Lemon Moms series and other books and articles are a combination of her education, knowledge, personal growth, and insight from her childhood experiences and subsequent recovery work.

      Diane holds a Master of Science degree in Information Technology and a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology. She’s worked in numerous fields, including domestic violence and abuse, and is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer about family dysfunction. On The Toolbox, she writes about recovery strategies from hurtful people and painful, dysfunctional, or toxic relationships. She has authored four transformational books about healing and moving forward from narcissistic Victim Syndrome.

      Visit her author’s site here: DianeMetcalf.com

      Learn about the Lemon Moms series here: Lemon Moms

      This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

      Read more

      Reading time: 10 min
      Boundaries•Healing Affirmations•Scapegoating•Self-talk

      How Verbal Abuse Hurts Us

      Self Talk
      October 18, 2021 by Diane M. Metcalf, MS No Comments

      Narcissism specialists say that we have two choices when dealing with narcissists and those on the narcissistic spectrum: live on their terms or go “no contact.” I suggest we have a third option: walk through the chaos and confusion armed with new strategies and coping skills and protected by solid, healthy boundaries.

      Getting There

      In my own recovery journey, reading, researching, and working through various therapies eventually led me into Narcissism Awareness Grief (NAG).  I finally acknowledged my negative, traumatic childhood experiences and learned how, unhealed, they affected my adult relationships. I diligently worked through the stages of NAG and continued learning new coping skills like setting boundaries, positively emotionally detaching, and practicing strategic communication. As I found my voice and spoke my truth, my confidence and self-esteem grew. I began feeling whole and worthy for the first time in my life.

      If you’ve read “Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism,” you know that one of the ways my mother manipulated and controlled me as a child was to use the fear of abandonment. She threatened to give me away, put me in an orphanage, or send me to live with my father, whom she repeatedly said: “didn’t love us or want anything to do with us.” I lived in constant fear of doing the “right thing,” whatever the right thing was at any particular time. “The right thing” could and did change without warning, so I needed to remain constantly alert for changes in her tone of voice, behavior, and our home environment.

      My mom parented by blaming, shaming, intimidating, threatening, and physically punishing. In the earliest years of my life, I learned that I was somehow to blame for everything that displeased her.  Second-guessing and doubting myself became my way of life. I felt like a burden, believing that I made her life harder simply because I existed. I stayed out of her way as much as possible. I grew up feeling lonely and alone.

      My mother shared her thoughts and feelings with me in frightening, highly emotionally charged, biased, and inappropriate ways. Gaslighting and the resulting cognitive dissonance distorted my perceptions and beliefs. At age eight, my codependency had begun. Her behavior initiated the codependency process, and her words guaranteed it.

      Words Matter

      Written words, spoken words, they all matter. It matters what people say to you, and it matters what you say to yourself. If you live with a narcissist or toxic person (or have one in your life,) you already know that it can negatively affect how you think about yourself, what you tell yourself, and how you treat yourself.

      Oblivious of my codependency, her words and my own negative self-talk combined to confirm my beliefs that I was unlovable, would never be good enough, and didn’t matter.

      The combination of the negative self-talk and the limiting beliefs kept me in a state of learned helplessness. Eventually, as an adult, I woke up to the fact that I was stuck. I’d been repeating the same hurtful relationship patterns throughout my adult life and wondering why I was unhappy. Finally, I realized that something had to change. So, among other things, I started examining, questioning and then changing my unsupportive inner dialogue into supportive, positive self-talk. I watched in awe as my limiting beliefs began to fade away. As I started thinking differently about myself, my self-identity changed. My opinions about myself changed. I changed.

      Pleasing and Appeasing

      I talk about codependency a  lot in Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism. Codependency is at the very core of the changes we need to make in ourselves, do we can heal from the mistreatment or abuse.

      Codependency is described as a set of maladaptive coping skills. They are typically learned in childhood when feeling unsafe in the home environment. Living with real or perceived threats made it necessary for those who grew up like this to monitor our settings and control people and outcomes as best we could. It eventually felt natural to do this, and it became a way of life. Codependency can also be learned by imitating other codependents. It can be passed down through generations. This is known as “generational trauma.”

      If we’re codependent, we become that way as a survival mechanism. Becoming codependent helped us survive a chaotic, confusing, and possibly dangerous environment. Then we grew up and found ourselves to be “people-pleasers” who willingly play by the rules of others and lose our identity in the process. We rely on others for a sense of identity, approval, or affirmation. We support and “enable” others in their addictions, mental illness, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement. As adults, we can eliminate codependent thinking and acting by learning new tools, skills, and strategies.

      When we’re bogged down in codependency, it’s impossible to know our true, authentic selves. But by using affirmations, we can become aware of our codependent thoughts and behavior and replace them with healthy, functional ones. And we can finally get to know our authentic selves.

      How Affirmations Work

      Affirmations remind us of who we are when we are our authentic selves. By writing and speaking positive affirmations, we can begin honoring and eventually becoming our true selves. Affirmations help us to find ourselves and create our best lives possible.

      A Positive Mindset

      Affirmations are designed to promote an optimistic mindset; they have been shown to reduce the tendency to dwell on negative experiences (Wiesenfeld et al., 2001.) Optimism is powerful! When we replace negative thoughts with positive ones, we create a whole new narrative around “who we are” and what we can accomplish.

      pexels-prasanth-inturi-1051838-300x180 How Verbal Abuse Hurts Us

      Affirmation Theory

      There are three fundamental ideas involved in self-affirmation theory. First, correctly written affirmations work according to this theory:

      1. By using positive affirmations, we can change our self-identity. Affirmations reinforce a newly created self-narrative; we become flexible and capable of adapting to different conditions (Cohen & Sherman, 2014.) Now, instead of viewing ourselves in a fixed or rigid way (for example, as “lazy”), we are flexible in our thoughts. We can adopt a broader range of “identities” and roles and define things like “success” differently. We can view various aspects of ourselves as positive and adapt to different situations more easily (Aronson, 1969.)
      2. Self-identity is not about being exceptional, perfect, or excellent (Cohen & Sherman, 2014). Instead, we need to be competent and adequate in areas that we value  (Steele, 1988.)
      3. We maintain self-integrity by behaving in ways that genuinely deserve acknowledgment and praise. We say an affirmation because we want to integrate that particular personal value into our own identity.

      The Research

      Affirmation research focuses on how individuals adapt to information or experiences that threaten their self-image. Today, self-affirmation theory remains well-studied throughout social psychological research.

      Self-affirmation theory has led to research in neuroscience and investigating whether we can “see” how the brain changes using imaging technology while using positive affirmations. MRI evidence suggests that specific neural pathways increase when we speak affirmations (Cascio et al., 2016). For example, the “ventromedial prefrontal cortex,” involved in positive self-evaluation and self-related information processing, becomes more active when we speak positively about our values (Falk et al., 2015; Cascio et al., 2016).

      The evidence suggests that affirmations are beneficial in multiple ways.

      Positive affirmations:

      1. have been shown to decrease health-related stress (Sherman et al., 2009; Critcher & Dunning, 2015.)
      2. have been used effectively in “Positive Psychology Interventions,” or PPI, scientific tools and strategies used for increasing happiness, well-being, positive thinking, and emotions (Keyes, Fredrickson, & Park, 2012.)
      3. may help change the perception of otherwise “threatening” messages (Logel & Cohen, 2012.)
      4. can help us set our intention to change for the better (Harris et al., 2007) (Epton & Harris, 2008.)
      5. have been positively linked to academic achievement by lessening GPA decline in students who felt isolated in college (Layous et al., 2017.)
      6. have been demonstrated to lower stress (Koole et al., 1999; Weisenfeld et al., 2001.)
      7. provide health benefits by helping us respond in a less defensive or resistant manner when we perceive threats.

      In a nutshell, using affirmations allows us to create an adaptive, broader self-concept, making us more resilient to life’s struggles. A broader self-concept is a valuable tool!

      More tools for healing:

      Learn how to protect yourself with boundaries 

      Learn about dysfunctional family roles

      Learn about codependency 

      Understand the narcissistic abuse cycle

      Learn about Narcissism Awareness Grief

      Let go of what you can’t control using positive detachment

      Learn why expectations can be harmful

      More Resources You May Like:

      2-1024x1024 How Verbal Abuse Hurts Us

      I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self

      A Workbook and Journal

      How to write the highest vibrating, most powerful affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things

      Sold worldwide in any bookstore.

      Quick links:

      Barnes and Noble
      Amazon
      Walmart
      Author Site

      Join the Free Email Survival Course:

      Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward

      from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.

      Private Facebook group included for members only.

      Register Here!
      Free 8-week email Survival Course

        I respect your privacy. Unsubscribe at anytime.

        There’s an app for that!

        Get THE TOOLBOX APP

        for instant information, support, and validation!

        splashscreen-mobile-app-1-1024x1024 How Verbal Abuse Hurts Us
        GOOGLEPLAY-EMBLEM How Verbal Abuse Hurts Us
        app-store-logo How Verbal Abuse Hurts Us
        KINDLE-HiDef-3-book-series-2566-x-3846-px-683x1024 How Verbal Abuse Hurts Us

        The Lemon Moms Series:

        B&N
        Kindle
        Audible
        Amazon
        Nook
        Google
        Apple

        Available formats: eBook, audiobook, hardcover, paperback, and large print too!

        All are available worldwide at your favorite bookstore!

        If not stocked, store copies may be ordered through the global distributor, IngramSpark.

        For ordering through Amazon in the US and other countries:

        Amazon US, Amazon UK,  Amazon Germany, Amazon France, Amazon Italy, Amazon Japan, Amazon Canada, Amazon Australia, Amazon Netherlands, Amazon Spain

        In the US? No Amazon Prime? Buy directly from the author to

        GET FREE SHIPPING (U.S.)

        Get the TOOLBOX articles twice monthly to your inbox!

        Your Free Gift:
        Inner Child Healing Meditation mp3

          We respect your privacy. Unsubscribe at anytime.


          Visit Author’s Site

          About the Author

          Facetune_06-05-2021-18-24-57 How Verbal Abuse Hurts Us

          As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping skills and healing strategies for herself. She happily shares those with others who want to learn and grow. 

          Her Lemon Moms series and other books and articles are a combination of her education, knowledge, personal growth, and insight from her childhood experiences and subsequent recovery work.

          Diane holds a Master of Science degree in Information Technology and a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology. She’s worked in numerous fields, including domestic violence and abuse, and is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer about family dysfunction. On The Toolbox, she writes about recovery strategies from hurtful people and painful, dysfunctional, or toxic relationships. She has authored four transformational books about healing and moving forward from narcissistic Victim Syndrome.

          Visit her author’s site here: DianeMetcalf.com

          Learn about the Lemon Moms series here: Lemon Moms

          This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

          Read more
          Reading time: 7 min
          Boundaries•Healing Affirmations•Self Care•Self-talk

          What You Say to Yourself Matters!

          blank face mask
          September 12, 2021 by Diane M. Metcalf, MS No Comments

          If you’re familiar with my blog or my work, you know I’m a huge fan of affirmations and any kind of positive self-talk. Heck, I even wrote a book about it! So let me ask you-

          How’s YOUR Self-talk?

          Have you ever really observed how you talk to yourself? Some of us are not very nice to ourselves, and others are just plain abusive. What kinds of things do you say to yourself? Is your self-talk positive and loving? Or maybe you beat yourself up and tell yourself hurtful things?

          Have you ever tried talking to yourself as you would speak with a friend? How would that feel? Try being understanding, considerate, and kind to yourself. You would do that for your friend, right? You would encourage her, or him or them, wouldn’t you? You can start doing the same for yourself right now. Acknowledging your feelings about yourself when you make a mistake or struggle and choosing to comfort and care for yourself is called “self-compassion.” Self-compassion promotes positive, healthy self-care practices and a healthy mindset, which help to heal codependency.

          It’s not surprising to know that what we tell ourselves is linked to how we feel about ourselves. Changing your self-talk from an unsupportive inner dialogue to an uplifting and proactive one brings about positive change. But, if you beat yourself up for perceived failures or shortcomings, how does that help you? Does it motivate you to change? Does it keep you feeling bad and keep you stuck? How is it different from how your narcissistic mother treated you?

          Do you tell yourself, “I’m just _______,” or “I’ve just always been this way,” or “that’s just how I’ve always been”? I have a couple of things to say about these types of comments: first, stop using the word “just.” When you add “just,” it implies that what you’re saying has low significance. It sounds apologetic and meek. Don’t believe me? Take the word “just” out of your self-talk. Say it with and without the word “just.” Do you see how it feels different? Are you more confident? Empowered? Serious? You tell me.

          self-talk-300x200 What You Say to Yourself Matters!

          Unconscious Commands

          And what we say to ourselves isn’t only a description of what we believe about ourselves; it is a command. Your self-talk TELLS your mind what to think about you! When you tell yourself, “this is just who I am,” “I’ve always been _______,” or “I’ve always done ______,” it implies that there’s no room for change. These statements tell your brain, “this is it. This is final. There is no more.” Why would you want to do that? Chances are, you don’t know you’re doing it, and this is where self-awareness comes in. Start becoming aware of how you speak to yourself and the words that you use. Notice and take note for future reference.

          Now, give yourself a break. You’re a human being, and no human being has ever been or will ever be perfect. Perfection doesn’t exist. Instead of comparing yourself to a non-existent standard, try focusing on your progress.

          Results happen over time. Making positive life change is about progress, not perfection. Encourage yourself the way you’d encourage your friend or a small child. Tell yourself, “You’ve got this!” and eventually, you will get it! Be patient with yourself. It takes time to learn new things. Treating yourself with kindness, patience, and compassion does a lot towards reparenting yourself and healing your inner child too.

          Action Time

          Thinking about and remembering what happened in our childhoods doesn’t promote healing. That’s where many of us get stuck. Recovery requires more than reading, educating ourselves, and revisiting old memories. It requires action: getting in touch with our feelings, prioritizing self-care, dumping limiting beliefs, learning to set boundaries and enforce them, learning new ways of communicating, increasing self-esteem and self-confidence, doing inner child and reparenting work, and emotionally detaching.

          It means doing the work, and I believe it begins with changing our unconscious, negative self-talk.

          More tools for healing:

          Learn to set boundaries 

          Learn about dysfunctional family roles

          Understand trauma bonds

          Learn about codependency and maladaptive coping skills

          Understand the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle

          More Resources You May Like:

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          I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self

          A Workbook and Journal

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            If not stocked, store copies may be ordered through the global distributor, IngramSpark.

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              About the Author

              Facetune_06-05-2021-18-24-57 What You Say to Yourself Matters!

              As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping skills and healing strategies for herself. She happily shares those with others who want to learn and grow. 

              Her Lemon Moms series and other books and articles are a combination of her education, knowledge, personal growth, and insight from her childhood experiences and subsequent recovery work.

              Diane holds a Master of Science degree in Information Technology and a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology. She’s worked in numerous fields, including domestic violence and abuse, and is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer about family dysfunction. On The Toolbox, she writes about recovery strategies from hurtful people and painful, dysfunctional, or toxic relationships. She has authored four transformational books about healing and moving forward from narcissistic Victim Syndrome.

              Visit her author’s site here: DianeMetcalf.com

              Learn about the Lemon Moms series here: Lemon Moms

              This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

              Read more
              Reading time: 3 min
              Boundaries•Healing Affirmations•Self Care•Self-talk

              Change Your Life with Self-Affirmational Therapy

              Healing Affirmations
              May 24, 2021 by Diane M. Metcalf, MS No Comments

              Using Affirmations to Heal Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome

              When we grew up in dysfunction, especially in narcissistic homes, we couldn’t do anything right. Whether intentional or not, if we had a narcissistic mother, her “ emotional daggers” hurt us deeply. Long after we left home, that cruel, critical voice stayed with us inside.

              We may have tried convincing ourselves that we were over-reacting, that she didn’t mean any harm, or that it never even happened. Denying the reality of our childhood and allowing emotional wounds to remain unaddressed and unhealed leaves us unable to face life’s challenges in an adult manner. Our unhealed triggers and our wounded inner child keep us stuck, perceiving, feeling, and responding like a frightened child.

              When we’ve done the work and progressed through the stages of Narcissism Awareness Grief to arrive at Acceptance, it feels as if a burden has been lifted. Suddenly we can see clearly. We are finally able to face ourselves and confront the reality of our past fully. It is as if blinders have been removed from our eyes; we can see our past; where we came from, who we were, who we are, and who we can be. And we’re not afraid or threatened by it. We have a sense of understanding and a new feeling of personal power. We know what to do, and we know we’ll be OK.

              We feel a sense of gratitude for allowing ourselves to question those unsupportive inner voices and challenge them. Now, we no longer feel the need to push them away. Now, we can sit with them and observe. And as we watch, we see our story unfold. We write and talk about it. We acknowledge the courageous little child we were, faced with a childhood full of confusion, doubt, and shame, and we feel compassion for ourselves.

              Healing Affirmations can help each stage of  Narcissism, Awareness Grief, and afterward, set boundaries and replace codependent thinking and behavior with healthy ones.

              What are Affirmations?

              An affirmation is a simple positive statement made in the present tense. It impacts the conscious and the subconscious minds. By believing in a particular thought and saying it regularly, you begin to attract more positivity and higher vibrational people and things into your life.

              The Law of Attraction is a viewpoint proposing that thinking positive thoughts bring about positive results, and negative thoughts bring negative ones. The theory is based on the belief that thoughts are a form of energy. So, positive thoughts attract positive energy; positivity, and success in health, finances, relationships, etc. As the “Law of Attraction” states, “like attracts like.”

              “Healing” affirmations are positive statements about your well-being. They are based on the belief that your thoughts influence your physical and emotional health. The best news is that you don’t have to be sick to use healing affirmations!

              Saying your affirmations to yourself is all about becoming your “authentic self.” You are more easily able to connect with your authentic self when your vibration is high. When we are not vibrating highly, unhealthy, unsupportive inner dialogue can remain our default way of life.

              Positive affirmations work best when they are highly personal. They are a self-talk approach that creates a motivating outlook on life. Affirmations help you elevate your emotional vibration when you’re in a lower vibrational pattern feeling emotions like fear, worry, anxiety, doubt, or powerlessness. Using positive affirmations is one of the quickest ways you can raise your vibration. They are a powerful tool for manifestation and can lift your attitude at the same time.

              As you continue to use your affirmations, your vibration will increase, and you’ll notice you feel lighter, happier, and more peaceful.  You’ll begin to attain your goals, fulfill your desires, and attract the people and experiences you want.

              How Affirmations Work

              Affirmations remind us of who we are and who we want to be. They help us to create our most authentic selves and connect us with our higher selves.

              The journey out of codependency means finding ourselves, discovering our true selves, our authentic selves, for the first time. When we are caught up in codependent behaviors, we don’t have an authentic self. In his book “Codependency, An Emerging Issue,” Robert Subby says that it results from household rules preventing the “open expression” of feelings. (Pompano Beach, FL, Health Communications Inc.,1984, pp. 34-44)

              Listen to your intuition, and your inner voice before you begin writing affirmations. Let your inner compass direct the course of your life. What is your inner voice telling you? What do you need to work on? When we use affirmations, we honor ourselves, listening to our intuition and higher power to become our authentic selves.

              Allow the journey to begin because you love yourself.

              The Power of Optimism

              Affirmations are written and designed to promote an optimistic mindset. Optimism is a powerful attitude! Affirmations have been shown to help reduce the tendency to dwell on negative experiences (Wiesenfeld et al., 2001.)

              When we replace negative thoughts with positive statements, we create a  whole new hopeful and flexible narrative around “who we are” and what we can accomplish.

              There are three main ideas underlying self-affirmation theory, and correctly written affirmations work according to this theory:

              First, by using positive affirmations, we can change our self-identity. Affirmations reinforce our newly created  self-narrative; that we are flexible, moral, and capable of adapting to different conditions (Cohen & Sherman, 2014.)

              Instead of viewing ourselves in a “fixed” or rigid way, for example, as “lazy” or “selfish,” when we are flexible, we can see ourselves as much more. We can adopt a wider range of “identities” and roles, which means we can define things like “success” differently. This means that we can view the various aspects of ourselves as positive and adapt to different situations more easily (Aronson, 1969.)

              Second, self-affirmation theory maintains that self-identity is not about being exceptional, perfect, or excellent (Cohen & Sherman, 2014). Instead, to be moral, flexible, and good, we need to be competent and adequate in areas that we value  (Steele, 1988.)

              Third, we maintain our self-integrity by behaving in ways that genuinely deserve acknowledgment and praise. This means that we say an affirmation because we want to live that particular personal value.

              What the Research Indicates

              Affirmation research focuses on how individuals adapt to information or experiences that threaten their self-image. Claude Steele, a social psychologist and emeritus professor at Stanford University, promoted self-affirmation theory in the late 1980s (Steele, C. M. 1988, Cohen, G. L., & Sherman, D. K. 2007). Today, self-affirmation theory remains well-studied throughout social psychological research (Sherman, D. K., & Cohen, G. L., McQueen, A., & Klein, W. M. 2006).

              Using self-affirmations can help us cope with threats or stress and can be beneficial for improving academic performance, health, and well-being. (Cohen, G. L., & Sherman, D. K. 2014).

              Self-affirmation theory has led to research in neuroscience, investigating whether we can “see” how the brain changes using imaging technology when using positive affirmations.

              MRI evidence suggests that specific neural pathways increase when we speak our affirmations (Cascio et al., 2016). The “ventromedial prefrontal cortex,” involved in positive valuation and self-related information processing, becomes more active when we speak positively about our values (Falk et al., 2015; Cascio et al., 2016).

              Falk and her colleagues focused on how we process information about ourselves.  They found that when we practice positive affirmations, we’re more able to perceive “otherwise-threatening information as more self-relevant and valuable” (2015: 1979). This can have several benefits.

              Evidence suggests that using positive self-affirmations is beneficial. Here are  six examples from the  experiential research:

              • Positive affirmations have been shown to decrease health-related stress (Sherman et al., 2009; Critcher & Dunning, 2015.)

              • Positive affirmations have been used effectively in Positive Psychology Interventions (scientific tools and strategies used for increasing happiness, wellbeing, positive thinking, and emotions, (Keyes, Fredrickson, & Park, 2012.)

              • Positive affirmation may help change the perception of otherwise “threatening” messages (Logel & Cohen, 2012.)

              • Positive affirmation can help us set our intention to change for the better (Harris et al., 2007) and eat more fruit and vegetables (Epton & Harris, 2008.)

              • Positive affirmations have been positively linked to academic achievement by lessening GPA decline in students who feel left out at college (Layous et al., 2017.)

              • Positive affirmation has been demonstrated to lower stress (Koole et al., 1999; Weisenfeld et al., 2001.)

              The Benefits 

              As we’ve seen, positive affirmations can provide health benefits by helping us to respond in a less defensive or resistant way when we perceive real or imagined threats. One study found that when using affirmations,  smokers responded less dismissively to graphic cigarette packet warnings and conveyed the intention to change their behavior (Harris et al., 2007).

              But more generally, using affirmations allows us to create an adaptive, broader self-concept, making us more resilient to life’s struggles. Whether it’s social pressure, health, or healing our trauma, a broader self-concept is an extremely helpful tool.

              healing-hug Change Your Life with Self-Affirmational Therapy

              Mindfulness

              When implementing any change,  to be successful, you must be aware of the change you want to make throughout the day, every day. You must intentionally commit to making the change daily. We’ll talk more about intentions and intentionality later.

              What do you want to change about yourself? Do you have characteristics that you criticize, judge, and scorn? Maybe you have habits or perceived shortcomings that you’d like to give up?  Is there an aspect of your life that you want to develop? Your answers to questions like these can give you ideas about the kind of positive affirmations you could use.

              Thoughts Become Things

              Our subconscious minds accept repeated affirmations as truth, even when the affirmations are negative. Become aware of your negative thoughts.

              We want to use positive affirmations to change the way we think. If they’re created with a high vibrational frequency, we are more able to attract the things we’ve always wanted but believed we couldn’t have.

              But if you don’t write your affirmations correctly, it can be an absolute waste of time. The key to writing successful affirmations to achieve the life you want is to be confident that what you are saying will actually happen. 

              When you’ve learned how to write and use affirmations correctly, you can start manifesting your goals. It takes some practice and a bit of trial and error to figure out what works.

              Short, Clear, Concrete, Positive and Present Tense

              Affirmations that work the best are short, clear, concrete, positive, and in the present tense.

              Use only a few words in your affirmations to make them easier to remember. To accomplish this, begin with a  short phrase like:

              I am…

              I easily…

              I joyfully…

              I clearly see, hear, do…

              I excitedly…

              I look forward with joy to…

              I look forward to the opportunity that______provides for______.

              Your affirmations should be authentic, meaning that they feel doable and true. Our quantum self (our “self” at the molecular level) recognizes the truth contained within our affirmations.

              The above affirmational statements are concrete. They are solid, assertive, for a reason.  If you use words like “I feel,” it implies that your affirmation is temporary because feelings are temporary. Do you ever feel confident when you wear a certain item of clothing? What happens when you take it off? Do you see what I mean? The feeling of confidence may decrease or disappear altogether. When you say “I am,” it implies that it’s permanent, no matter the time, place, or situation. It says that you OWN IT.

              Know What You Want

              What is it that you want to achieve? What do you want to change about yourself?

              Ask yourself questions to find a concrete answer to include in your affirmations. For instance:

              “How can I _______________?” vs.  “I can’t because ___________. “

              Do you see the difference between these two approaches? Asking questions prompts your mind to start looking for concrete answers, consciously and unconsciously.  Asking questions opens up possibilities. When you tell yourself you can’t, it stops your mind from considering solutions. It prevents new ideas from forming. You can see how this would not be a good approach for trying to change your thoughts, beliefs, and mindset. So ask the questions and write your answers. Write the first thing that comes to mind without censoring or editing. I recommend this because the first answer often comes from our higher self or intuition, and is the purest, and often a most concrete form of your answer.

              Think about the goals you want to achieve, then write short statements that resonate with you.

              Write them as if the desired outcome has already happened.

              LM-AFFIRMATIONS-BEST-WITH-BORDER-1800-2700-scaled Change Your Life with Self-Affirmational Therapy

              For more information on how to use Healing Affirmations to heal emotional abuse, read book #3 in the Lemon Moms Series, Life-Altering Affirmations: Change Your Self-talk, Change YourSELF, available on Amazon and wherever books are sold.

              More tools for healing:

              Learn to set boundaries 

              Learn about dysfunctional family roles

              Understand trauma bonds

              Learn about codependency and maladaptive coping skills

              Understand the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle

              More Resources You May Like:

              2-1024x1024 Change Your Life with Self-Affirmational Therapy

              I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self

              A Workbook and Journal

              How to write the highest vibrating, most powerful affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things

              Sold worldwide in any bookstore.

              Quick links:

              Barnes and Noble
              Amazon
              Walmart
              Author Site

              Join the Free Email Survival Course:

              Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward

              from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.

              Private Facebook group included for members only.

              Register Here!
              Free 8-week email Survival Course

                I respect your privacy. Unsubscribe at anytime.

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                Get THE TOOLBOX APP

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                splashscreen-mobile-app-1-1024x1024 Change Your Life with Self-Affirmational Therapy
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                The Lemon Moms Series:

                B&N
                Kindle
                Audible
                Amazon
                Nook
                Google
                Apple

                Available formats: eBook, audiobook, hardcover, paperback, and large print too!

                All are available worldwide at your favorite bookstore!

                If not stocked, store copies may be ordered through the global distributor, IngramSpark.

                For ordering through Amazon in the US and other countries:

                Amazon US, Amazon UK,  Amazon Germany, Amazon France, Amazon Italy, Amazon Japan, Amazon Canada, Amazon Australia, Amazon Netherlands, Amazon Spain

                In the US? No Amazon Prime? Buy directly from the author to

                GET FREE SHIPPING (U.S.)

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                  About the Author

                  Facetune_06-05-2021-18-24-57 Change Your Life with Self-Affirmational Therapy

                  As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping skills and healing strategies for herself. She happily shares those with others who want to learn and grow. 

                  Her Lemon Moms series and other books and articles are a combination of her education, knowledge, personal growth, and insight from her childhood experiences and subsequent recovery work.

                  Diane holds a Master of Science degree in Information Technology and a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology. She’s worked in numerous fields, including domestic violence and abuse, and is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer about family dysfunction. On The Toolbox, she writes about recovery strategies from hurtful people and painful, dysfunctional, or toxic relationships. She has authored four transformational books about healing and moving forward from narcissistic Victim Syndrome.

                  Visit her author’s site here: DianeMetcalf.com

                  Learn about the Lemon Moms series here: Lemon Moms

                  This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

                  Read more

                  Please share!

                  Reading time: 11 min
                  Anger•C-PTSD•Self Care•Self-talk

                  Expressive writing; a new way to journal

                  January 20, 2021 by Diane Metcalf, MS No Comments

                  Do you journal?

                  A lot of us do. Journaling is a great way to work through our problems, express emotions, and get our thoughts OUT and onto paper. It’s a terrific way to affirm, pay attention to, and really “hear” ourselves. If you’ve ever journaled and felt the sense of clarity or peace that comes from collecting your thoughts and expressing them in writing,  maybe it’s time to try “expressive writing.”

                  Expressive writing is a bit different from just writing thoughts and activities in a journal.  It is used as a way to deal with old or new traumatic events or memories. When using expressive writing, it is necessary to reflect on a specific challenge, traumatic experience, or memory in order to discover new meaning in the event.

                  Benefits of expressive writing

                  According to researcher Dr. James Pennebaker, a psychology professor at the University of Austin, Texas, people who use expressive writing to journal have improved mental and physical health.

                  Dr. Pennebaker pioneered a study of expressive writing as a coping mechanism for trauma. His, and hundreds of other studies have verified the benefits achieved by people suffering from PTSD, cancer, depression, and various other mental and physical ailments. This journaling technique was found to strengthen the immune system, reduce pain and inflammation, lower infection rate from colds or flu, and decrease depression symptoms. It can also improve memory, sleep quantity and quality, and attitude. It’s clear that there are many benefits associated with expressive writing!

                  book-and-flowers Expressive writing; a new way to journal

                  How it works

                  Using expressive writing allows the writer to recognize a painful or traumatic experience and describe it as a problem to be solved. Doing this allows the writer to identify a particular problem and organize their thoughts and feelings, using written language to create the narrative. This process helps break the rumination cycle, which, in my experience, helps decrease or eliminate cognitive dissonance. Research shows that labeling our emotions actually calms the limbic system and the fight or flight response. (Look up “name it and tame it.”) The prefrontal cortex, which is in charge of executive functions, regains control, and a deeper meaning and understanding can be created around the memory or traumatic event. This leads the writer to feel a new sense of control and personal power regarding the traumatic event. The more we do this this type of journaling, the easier it gets.

                  When people become more comfortable thinking about and remembering a traumatic event, they are more able to share their feelings with others. Expressive writing may indirectly lead writers to seek emotional support, thereby accelerating the healing process.

                  As demonstrated in a 2006 study published in the Journal of Psychological Science, expressive writing can also improve relationships. The study found that when one partner wrote about their relationship in detail, both partners began using more positive language when texting each other. The relationship also lasted longer.

                  Don’t like to write?

                  If you don’t like journaling, you can still use expressive writing. Recording your thoughts has been shown to work just as well.

                  To use the technique, write without judgment, self-editing, or correcting spelling or grammatical mistakes. Just write it as you think or feel it. Write for 15 to 20 minutes for at least three consecutive days. Deep dive into your thoughts and feelings and write about them in detail when you do this.

                  I’m a big fan of journaling using expressive writing. I wrote the “Lemon Moms Companion Workbook” to supply the necessary prompts, questions and challenges to help you use expressive writing as one of your healing tools.

                  References:

                  How Do I Love Thee? Let Me Count the Words- The Social Effects of Expressive Writing

                  Feeling Upset? Try This Special Writing Technique

                  Expressive writing: Connections to physical and mental health

                  Tame Reactive Emotions by Naming Them

                  Tools for healing:

                  Conscious awareness:  Be aware and make conscious choices before acting. Self-awareness releases us from making impulsive and potentially damaging decisions. Practice mindfulness.

                  Learn about setting boundaries 

                  Learn about codependency and maladaptive coping skills

                  Read “Facing our demons during isolation”

                  More Resources You May Like:

                  2-1024x1024 Expressive writing; a new way to journal

                  I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self

                  A Workbook and Journal

                  How to write the highest vibrating, most powerful affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things

                  Sold worldwide in any bookstore.

                  Quick links:

                  Barnes and Noble
                  Amazon
                  Walmart
                  Author Site

                  Join the Free Email Survival Course:

                  Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward

                  from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.

                  Private Facebook group included for members only.

                  Register Here!
                  Free 8-week email Survival Course

                    I respect your privacy. Unsubscribe at anytime.

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                    Get THE TOOLBOX APP

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                    The Lemon Moms Series:

                    B&N
                    Kindle
                    Audible
                    Amazon
                    Nook
                    Google
                    Apple

                    Available formats: eBook, audiobook, hardcover, paperback, and large print too!

                    All are available worldwide at your favorite bookstore!

                    If not stocked, store copies may be ordered through the global distributor, IngramSpark.

                    For ordering through Amazon in the US and other countries:

                    Amazon US, Amazon UK,  Amazon Germany, Amazon France, Amazon Italy, Amazon Japan, Amazon Canada, Amazon Australia, Amazon Netherlands, Amazon Spain

                    In the US? No Amazon Prime? Buy directly from the author to

                    GET FREE SHIPPING (U.S.)

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                      Visit Author’s Site

                      About the Author

                      Facetune_06-05-2021-18-24-57 Expressive writing; a new way to journal

                      As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping skills and healing strategies for herself. She happily shares those with others who want to learn and grow. 

                      Her Lemon Moms series and other books and articles are a combination of her education, knowledge, personal growth, and insight from her childhood experiences and subsequent recovery work.

                      Diane holds a Master of Science degree in Information Technology and a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology. She’s worked in numerous fields, including domestic violence and abuse, and is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer about family dysfunction. On The Toolbox, she writes about recovery strategies from hurtful people and painful, dysfunctional, or toxic relationships. She has authored four transformational books about healing and moving forward from narcissistic Victim Syndrome.

                      Visit her author’s site here: DianeMetcalf.com

                      Learn about the Lemon Moms series here: Lemon Moms

                      This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

                      Read more

                      Please share!

                      Reading time: 3 min
                      C-PTSD•Codependency•Cognitive Dissonance•Self Care•Self-talk

                      The Toolbox

                      pretty toolbox
                      February 11, 2019 by Diane Metcalf, MS No Comments

                      We all have emotional “needs” and everyone’s emotional needs are unique to them. These needs change on a daily basis, depending on our physical state, thoughts, and experiences. Because of this, each of us would benefit from owning a ready-made set of coping skills to help us deal with life’s emotional ups and downs. Having such a skill-set would allow us to effectively and efficiently deal with the daily emotional, physical and spiritual challenges, (as well as the emotionally provoking encounters) that we all face.

                      Some of us learned our current coping skills when we were children, acquiring them from our parents, friends, relatives, and teachers. Some of us learned only a few or not enough of these coping mechanisms to equip us properly in adulthood. Sometimes we’ve even learned negative coping skills that do us more harm than good, such as using drugs, “stuffing” down our feelings, being physically aggressive or saying words that belittle or humiliate.

                      Healthy coping mechanisms help us make sense of confusing or threatening life experiences. They help us to respond appropriately in healthy ways. You’ve heard the saying “when life gives you lemons, make lemonade”? Well, that’s a coping skill: taking something negative and turning it into a positive. But in reality, nothing actually changes except how we view and handle the incident. In other words, life has still given us lemons. Instead of getting angry or depressed, feeling slighted or misunderstood, or letting it ruin our day, we can choose to look at it another way. We can see it as an opportunity to re-frame what happened and experience it in a way that feels better. We make lemonade.

                      butterfly-background-150x150 The Toolbox

                      Our coping skillset needs to adjust and adapt throughout the day, every day. That’s why we continually learn and rely on new ways of coping!

                      This toolbox blog will teach how to take potentially hurtful life experiences and view them in a healthier, more positive perspective. Without healthy coping skills, our perception of the world could become quite negative, and cause us to misinterpret accidents and intentions. We could easily become those people who see the drinking-glass as “half-empty” rather than “half-full”. That doesn’t sound like an enjoyable way to live, and I’m all for choosing “half-full.”

                      The great thing about coping skills is that anyone can learn new ones. It’s never too late! New coping techniques can be learned and improved at any age.  In this blog, I’ll refer to coping skills as our “emotional toolbox”. I like that analogy because I like the idea of having equipment or “gear” on board that I can pull out and use any time I need to.

                      We’ll use our toolboxes every day, all day long. When things get difficult or go wrong, we’ll have tools for handling whatever it is. Having a toolbox will help us handle difficult people, crises, toxic situations, unexpected events, personal and interpersonal problems, conflict and other life stressors.

                      Every article in this blog contains a tool or a set of tools. The tools are listed at the end of each post and you can add them to your own personal toolbox. Practice using them whenever life gives the opportunity!

                      Every tool is not for everybody. You don’t have to try every tool and you probably shouldn’t. Just go with your intuition when you’re trying to figure out if a tool might be helpful to you or not. Take the ones you’d like to try. Come back for more if you need to.

                      This is a safe space for learning, growing and helping each other. Please feel free to leave kind and constructive comments or feedback. Share some tools too if you’ve used them and they’ve helped you. 🙂

                      Here’s to all of our continued emotional growth and prosperity!

                      Tools:

                      Learn How to Recognize a Narcissist

                      Understand the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle

                      Learn about the Gray Rock technique

                      Learn to set boundaries 

                      Learn about dysfunctional family roles

                      Understand trauma bonds

                      Learn about codependency and maladaptive coping skills

                      Like these posts? Want more? Sign up to receive new posts every other Friday!

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                        More resources for healing from childhood trauma, abuse or neglect:

                        3-book-series-1024x1024 The Toolbox

                        Books by Diane Metcalf-Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism, the Lemon Moms Companion Workbook, and Lemon Moms: Life Altering Affirmations, Change Your Self-talk, Change YourSELF. Available on Amazon and wherever books are sold. (Kindle, paperback, audiobook.)

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                        About the author

                        DIane-Amazon-profile-150x150 The Toolbox

                        As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf has developed strong coping skills and healing strategies. She happily shares those insights with others who want to learn and recover. 

                        Her books and articles are the results of her education, knowledge, and personal insight regarding her own abusive experiences and subsequent recovery work. She is no longer a practicing Social Worker, Counselor, Program Manager or Advocate, nor is she or has she ever been a licensed psychologist.

                        Diane is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer on the topics of domestic violence, abuse, and family dysfunction. Currently, she writes about toxic relationships and recovery tools. Diane holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and has worked in numerous fields, including domestic violence and abuse. She also holds a Master of Science degree in Information Technology.

                        Currently, Diane runs her own website design company, Image and Aspect, and writes articles and tutorials for Tips and Snips, her inspirational blog for creative people. She continues to learn and write about Emotional Healing.

                        This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

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                        -Diane, The Toxic Undo

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                        Recent Posts

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                        • Healing Your Cognitive Dissonance
                        • We Change with Patience, Persistence and Practice
                        • How to Ditch Your Unsupportive Inner Dialogue
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