I recently talked about a particular “family events coping strategy” that I learned thirty years ago and still use because it works for me: When I am part of any group, especially large groups connected with emotionally “high stakes” situations like holidays, I pretend I am an anthropologist. That is, as an anthropologist, I study the origin, development, and behavior of human beings and I examine cultures around the world. During my holiday “expedition,” I discover a whole new “tribe” of people! I’ve never seen a group of people like this before, and they are very interesting indeed. Because I’m an anthropologist, I’m required to observe them from afar. Since I’m interested in how they live and interact with each other, I look at the ways they speak and behave with each other. I observe their verbal exchanges, their ways of interpreting what others are saying, their body language, and their emotional and physical displays, reactions, and responses. How do I do this you ask?
Here’s the secret:
I do not get involved in the dysfunctional behaviors.
As a pretend anthropologist, my job is to study how they live; how they interact, cooperate, and handle conflict, not to engage with them. I don’t get drawn into any dysfunction going on in front of me. I stay emotionally detached from what’s happening by simply observing and making mental notes like, “Wow that was a strange thing to say,” “Hhmm, I wonder why he did THAT?” or “Interesting. I wonder why she responded that way” and so on. Later, I’ll journal about it to gain some understanding, insight, and perspective.
Watch and Learn
In that same spirit of observing but staying uninvolved, a friend recently shared a little game that she and another awakened family member play at their family gatherings. It’s called I SPOT DYSFUNCTION BINGO, and it’s an awesome coping tool.
Before the gathering, the two of them decide what behaviors will be included in their game. They include at least ten things like “Johnny does his disappearing act,” “Mother promotes her victimhood,” “Sister Sally whips up drama,” “Brother Bill gets high,” “Cousin Nicky loses her temper,” “Dad makes someone cry,” and Aunt Mary gets drunk.” They quietly keep tabs on the unfolding events and secretly acknowledge when one of them has noticed five behaviors and gets a BINGO. Do they create actual bingo boards? No. They each have a text list they’ve shared.
What a great way to stay aware, emotionally detached from unhealthy behaviors, and validated by a fellow traveler on their healing journey!
I’m definitely keeping this one in my arsenal of coping strategies!
As always, celebrate your insights about dysfunctional behavior, whether it’s yours or someone else’s, and the clarity your insights bring. Acknowledge what you’ve learned AND HOW YOU CAN APPLY IT in the future. That’s called PROGRESS!
Learn why uncommunicated expectations can be harmful
More Resources You May Like:
I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self
A Workbook and Journal
How to write the highest vibrating, most powerful affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things
As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping skills and healing strategies for herself. She happily shares those with others who want to learn and grow.
Her Lemon Moms series and other books and articles are a combination of her education, knowledge, personal growth, and insight from her childhood experiences and subsequent recovery work.
Diane holds a Master of Science degree in Information Technology and a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology. She’s worked in numerous fields, including domestic violence and abuse, and is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer about family dysfunction. On The Toolbox, she writes about recovery strategies from hurtful people and painful, dysfunctional, or toxic relationships. She has authored four transformational books about healing and moving forward from narcissistic Victim Syndrome.
The concept of “narcissistic supply” was first introduced to the field of psychoanalytic theory by Otto Fenichel in 1938. The term defines the admiration that narcissists need to keep their self-esteem intact. They need to take this supply of approval from the people in their environment so that their false face can survive.
Narcissists require admiration, and if they don’t get it, they may react with rage, ridicule, mockery, or by humiliating their target. Narcissists are arrogant, and proud, and view others as insignificant or as competitors to conquer. They feel entitled and expect special treatment.
Methods for obtaining supply
Overt narcissists (arrogant, loud, and insensitive to the needs of others, lack empathy, always looking for compliments) attract attention to themselves directly by over-dressing, dressing provocatively, talking too loudly, wearing attention-getting makeup, hairstyles, or accessories, or driving conspicuous vehicles.
Covert narcissists (crave admiration and importance, and lack empathy, but are less “obvious,” and harder to spot as a narcissist) get their supply mainly from being rescued or emotionally care-taken, and in the case of narcissistic mothers, by their children. Taking care of a covert narcissist’s needs will be number one on their priority list. If you question them, they’ll assume you’re challenging them, and will become defensive, maybe violent. Narcissists don’t respect your boundaries or your privacy. For example, a narcissist would be totally at ease going into your personal space, looking in your purse, reading your journal, listening to your phone conversations, reading private mail and documents, and sharing your personal and private information with others. (Because of this, you’d feel a sense of shame in multiple areas, but you won’t realize that these behaviors are it’s source.)
A narcissist likes knowing we are hurt when they use the “silent treatment” to actively ignore us, as a form of power and control. Our pain demonstrates that they are so powerful they can devastate us whenever they choose. Our pain is their narcissistic supply.
Remember, narcissists don’t view people as unique individuals with their own needs, feelings, goals, or lives. To narcissists, people are simply props who play a supporting role in their lives. A narcissist’s only concern is what they can get from others or what others can do for them. They have difficulty emotionally bonding with others because their relationships are all about power, control, and the benefits that they can obtain from them.
A narcissist cannot survive as a narcissist without narcissistic supply. It’s their emotional food; any form of attention, affirmation, approval, or admiration they get will suffice. They feel a sense of power and importance from any emotional reaction. Any emotion—fear, sadness, anger, shame, whatever—will do, because it feeds their “false self” (everything the narcissist would like to be, but is not) and makes it stronger.
Why do they need supply?
Securing narcissistic supply keeps a narcissist’s false self working in an automatic cycle: project the false self, receive the supply, empower and strengthen the false self, repeat.
The cycle repeats itself because it provides feelings of power, control, and importance. Narcissists thrive on these, feeling formidable, even omnipotent after getting supply. This leads to a “narcissistic high,” which potentially makes them more dangerous. You won’t be permitted to share your thoughts or feelings when your narcissist is on a high. They won’t take any challenge lightly and will go for your jugular to prove their supremacy. They’re not interested in what you have to say or how you feel. It’s all about them.
After going through this cycle with a narcissist a few times, we get it. We understand that they’re more powerful than we are—that it’s always about “winning,” and they’ll be delighted to win at our expense. In their mind, they’re always right, and there’s no use trying to have a conversation or share an opinion because they’ll become combative. Eventually, we’ll likely end up feeling defeated, unloved, and insignificant. We’ll learn to walk on eggshells and to appease, please, and pacify. We’ll anticipate their needs and moods and act accordingly. Do you remember what that’s called? Yep! Codependency.
A narcissist usually reveals their true self during a time of crisis, conflict, or high stress. When they’re pressured, and it’s hard for them to control their emotions, their lack of empathy is exposed. When they feel threatened, they go for the “win” at any cost, even if it threatens important relationships. What’s said or done won’t matter. Winning matters. High-pressure situations show how shallow their emotional connections are. Our shame, humiliation, and embarrassment are their narcissistic supply.
How to deny them any supply
A tool that I use when it comes to denying a narcissist their supply, alongside positive detachment, is responding calmly then shutting up.
“Not responding”(aka “shutting up,” or “not taking the bait”) works because it removes the possibility of giving emotional feedback and responses. Emotionally responding is a form of “narcissistic supply.” Giving a narcissist any amount of emotional response validates and affirms their perspective and behavior. They thrive on any and all interaction and attention, especially when you become emotionally unhinged during the interaction. Narcissistic supply makes a narcissist a stronger narcissist.
If my narcissistic mother (or anyone) pushes my buttons in an attempt to trigger an emotional response from me, I do not take the bait, I do not pick up the proffered tug-of-war rope, and my mouth remains shut. I deny them any narcissistic supply. I do this consistently and repeatedly because it indicates that I’m OK with whatever they think or do. I will not react. (This takes PRACTICE! Take advantage of any opportunity they give you to practice this. It helps YOU!) The reaction is what they’re looking for, hoping for, waiting for. The reaction is their narcissistic supply.
As I said earlier, not engaging, not defending, not arguing back, requires mindfulness and practice, and it’s worth the time and effort to learn how to do this. Knowing how to control your responses, also known as “regulating your emotions” is also part of the process for learning how to positively detach and also to maintain your boundaries.
As you may know, having a conversation with a narcissist feels like a game of emotional tug-of-war. When you drop your end of the rope, the game stops. It can’t continue unless you pick up your end and start pulling again. So, stop playing the game! You don’t have to explain that you’re no longer playing or why. Your actions speak loud and clear: when you drop the rope, you’re demonstrating that they have no more control over you. Dropping the rope is an aspect of positive detachment, enforcing a boundary, and demonstrating self-empowerment and self-love. If you haven’t tried it, I can tell you from experience that it’s very empowering.
Positively detaching (versus “angry” or “middle-finger” detaching) and not giving emotional supply to a narcissist means that I simply listen. I don’t rush in to fix problems or rescue them from the consequences of their choices or actions. If we disagree, I don’t argue or try to change their mind; I state my opinion, and I accept that they are entitled to have their own opinion. We don’t have to agree. I don’t steal their personal power, and I leave them the dignity to deal with their own problems and consequences. If they instigate, I don’t pick up the tug-of-war rope; instead, I might end our conversation. All of this means that I emotionally disconnect when they’re baiting or instigating and trying to get a reaction from me.
“You do not have to engage in every argument to which you are invited.”
Unknown
Be a rock… a gray rock
“Gray Rock” is a term coined in 2012 by Skylar, a blogger who wrote the article, “The Gray Rock Method of Dealing with Psychopaths” (2018).
If you’ve never tried the “Gray Rock” method, you’re missing out on a really effective tool.
Gray Rock is a technique that causes emotionally unbalanced people to lose interest in you. The method completely removes any emotional charge or drama from your interaction with them. When you use Gray Rock, it removes all narcissistic supply.
To use the Gray Rock method:
Appear calm, even if you’re not.
Maintain eye contact. Do not look down or away.
Use the following responses when applicable:
I’m sorry you feel that way.
I welcome your opinion, but I feel good about my choice.
I have no right to try to control how you see me.
I accept how you see me.
I accept how you feel.
You’re entitled to your reality.
Your anger is not my responsibility.
It’s possible. I guess it could be true.
I’d like to continue this discussion, but it seems that we don’t share the same perspective. Maybe when you’re calm, we can resume this conversation in a mutually respectful way. (This is an example of enforcing a boundary as well.)
In a nutshell
These three approaches focus on letting the narcissist run their own life and solve their own problems while you take care of yours, your life and yourself. Learn to let go of the desire to control the narcissist and the outcomes of your interactions with them. Focus on the next best thing for you.
Start taking these steps today to deny your narcissist their emotional food. When they realize that you are no longer a satisfying source of supply, they’ll look for it elsewhere.
You’ll begin to experience a new type of freedom that’s hard to describe!
More tools for healing:
Conscious awareness: Be aware and make conscious choices before acting. Self-awareness releases us from making impulsive and potentially damaging decisions. Practice mindfulness.
How to write the highest vibrating, most powerful affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things
As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping skills and healing strategies for herself. She happily shares those with others who want to learn and grow.
Her Lemon Moms series and other books and articles are a combination of her education, knowledge, personal growth, and insight from her childhood experiences and subsequent recovery work.
Diane holds a Master of Science degree in Information Technology and a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology. She’s worked in numerous fields, including domestic violence and abuse, and is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer about family dysfunction. On The Toolbox, she writes about recovery strategies from hurtful people and painful, dysfunctional, or toxic relationships. She has authored four transformational books about healing and moving forward from narcissistic Victim Syndrome.
When I first heard the phrase “let it go,” I thought I understood what it meant. I was familiar with the concept of detaching, and I knew how to detach when I needed to. What I didn’t understand was that there are different methods of detaching. The one I used most often was certainly not a form of “positive” detachment. I still had a lot to learn.
Detaching with love?
I admit it, “detachment” sounds negative. And how can detaching from someone be “positive“? (Many 12-step programs call it “loving” detachment.) If you’re confused, I can help. So, what is positive detachment? There are several theories about the different kinds of detachment.
When we emotionally distance ourselves from a situation and its consequences, with the understanding that the other person is entitled to make their own choices and deal with the consequences of those choices, we’re positively detaching. In using positive detachment, we take the focus off the other person and put it back on ourselves. We feel compassion for the other person, but the focus is on us; on our lives, our choices, our thoughts, and our behavior. And we feel at peace about whatever happens next.
What positive detachment is not
Positive detachment isn’t mean or selfish. It’s not an “either/or” experience; it’s not yes, we’re doing it today, and no, we’re not doing it tomorrow. It’s not something that we turn on and off. It isn’t aggressive; rather, it’s compassionate and kind.
Positive detachment is a way of respecting other’s boundaries, and a type of healthy boundary for ourselves. It’s a constant. It’s a way of living and “being.”
Positive detachment means “caring enough about others to allow them to learn from their mistakes.” It also means being responsible for our own welfare and making decisions without ulterior motives or the desire to control others. When we stop trying to control a person or the outcomes connected with their behavior, we’re affirming that the person has the right to make their own choices and mistakes. We step back and allow them the dignity to learn unique life lessons and experience hard-earned personal growth. This frees us, and it frees them too.
First, let’s talk about some different ways of detaching and figure out which one(s) we might already be using.
Personally, I wasn’t able to positively detach until I learned about the role that setting healthy boundaries plays in codependent behavior. Even then, exercising positive detachment was anxiety-provoking. When I first learned how to detach with love, I was outside of my comfort zone. I was used to using apathetic detachment. I decided that I needed to get comfortable with loving detachment, and I took any appropriate opportunity to lovingly detach when one presented itself. Eventually, I became comfortable using loving detachment as a way of respecting other’s boundaries, and as a boundary for myself, as well as a form of self-care.
Types of detachment styles
The kinds of detachment I’ve outlined here are taken directly from conversations, reading, and research. This is not an exhaustive list.
Numbing detachment
Angry detachment
Apathetic detachment
Positive detachment
Numbing detachment-
When we numb ourselves to avoid feeling pain, we usually do it by using something to assist us in “shutting down” emotionally. “Numbing” includes “escapism” and using avoidance behaviors. Numbing ourselves involves distracting with activities like cleaning, reading, social media, binge-watching TV, or immersing ourselves in church, school, eating, drinking, shopping, community activities, or anything else that suffices.
None of these activities are wrong or hurtful, yet they can be used maladaptively. When we use numbing behaviors, we’re not intentionally trying to be mean or hurtful, but it can happen. Numbing is all about protecting ourselves, but if we’re not careful, it could hurt others.
Pretty much any activity can be used to distract, escape, avoid, and numb. When we want to immerse ourselves in an activity, let’s remember to take a look at our motives and see if we’re actually avoiding or numbing. Is the activity a way for us to evade a person, a painful circumstance, or a memory?
Angry detachment-
It’s important to understand that anger is a secondary emotion. There’s always a primary emotion felt before the anger is felt, and that first emotion triggers the anger. It’s so fleeting that frequently we don’t even notice that first emotion. For example, if I suddenly become angry at someone because I feel they’ve disrespected me, more than likely, my anger was triggered by a primary feeling of unimportance. The feeling of unimportance is the emotional “trigger.”
So angry detachment is a reaction to a trigger. When we detach in anger, we often feel like saying something nasty or hurtful, or we feel like doing something destructive or vengeful. Sometimes we actually take those actions rather than just letting ourselves feel them.
Angry detaching is an attempt to control. It feels like it’s the “last straw,” when we realize that our former attempts at controlling or manipulating aren’t working. It has a punishing vibe to it. “We’ll show THEM!” Outwardly we give the appearance of being emotionally detached because we make ourselves unavailable; we physically or emotionally “walk away,” we don’t take their calls or respond to texts. We may even actively ignore the person when they’re around.
But inwardly, we continue worrying, thinking, and obsessing about them or their behavior. We know what’s going on in their lives because we talk to others who know them, or we see it on social media. We haven’t really detached. Instead, we’re punishing and manipulating them with our anger and silence, but because we’re not interacting with them, it feels like detachment.
“We can allow others the dignity of making their own (good or bad) decisions and then letting them experience the consequences of their choices. When we mind our own business, we are free from the responsibility of rescuing other people.”
So angry detachment is actually a reaction.
Apathetic detachment-
Apathy (or indifference) involves suppressing all feelings of interest or concern, and it takes the idea of detachment to the extreme. When we’ve detached in apathy, we no longer acknowledge the person. It’s as if they don’t exist! We couldn’t care less about them, and we don’t want to hear about or have anything to do with them.
A therapist friend once asked me, “what is the opposite of love?” and I responded, “hate.” He replied, “most people would agree with you, but no. The opposite of love is indifference.”
Using apathy or indifference as a way of detaching is maladaptive. It can cause irreparable damage to a relationship. Research shows that the degree to which indifference exists in a marriage can accurately predict the probability of divorce!
Positive detachment-
Positive detachment is judgment-free, and it allows us to intellectually, emotionally, and compassionately separate the person from their behavior. It means that we understand that the person and the behavior are two separate things. We can choose to love the person and feel compassion for them while simultaneously despising their behavior. We emotionally or physically distance ourselves from their behavior not to punish or control them but as a demonstration of love for them and self-care for ourselves.
As with boundary-setting, there is no need to discuss your intent to detach or to get permission.
Positively detaching means choosing to distance yourself emotionally from a situation and its’ consequences. We take the focus off of the other person and put it squarely on ourselves. We understand that the other person is entitled to5, make their own choices, including the choice to hurt us. They’re also entitled to deal with the results of those choices. So while we feel compassion for them, we focus on ourselves, and we feel at peace about whatever happens next.
Why Me?
But why do I need to be the one to detach? Why can’t THEY just change or shape up or get their act together? Well, that would be great, wouldn’t it? If they would just change their behavior and do what we want or expect, our lives would be so much better, wouldn’t they?
But we already know that’s not the way it works. We can’t control other people. The way their behavior affects us isn’t about THEM. It’s about US. Take a pause and think about that for a minute. Let that sink in. This is about us, and about controlling our choices.
When I feel the need to detach, I find it necessary to first accept and validate my thoughts and my feelings. Next, I commit to maintaining my focus and productivity by not concentrating on others. Doing these things puts me in the right frame of mind to detach with love. There’s no anger, no fear, no need to go numb or to be indifferent. It’s like what my teacher-friends say to their students: “Keep your eyes on your own paper.” I commit to keeping my eyes on my own needs, life, and work.
When we view positive detachment from this perspective, we can clearly see that it’s not “running away.” Positive detachment is “running toward” ourselves. This healthy form of detachment reminds us that we’re a separate person in our own right, with our own likes, needs, and goals and that we have choices and consequences of our own. It helps us remember that we’re not responsible for fixing another person’s feelings or problems.
In each of the above detachment scenarios, the end result is always the same for us: in each, we emotionally or physically “walk away” and take ourselves out of the situation. The difference between each of these scenarios ishow we feelafter we walk. Of the four, positive detachment is the only one that leaves us feeling at peace no matter what the other person is feeling or doing, no matter what happens next.
Detaching in this way allows us to drop our need to control the outcome. Shifting the focus to our own lives allows us to focus on own needs, wants, and goals, and allows the other person to focus on theirs. (See codependency)
When we positively detach, we stop focusing on others, and we don’t take responsibility for their actions, or the consequences of those actions, any longer. Detaching this way allows us to drop our need to control the outcome. Shifting attention to our own lives allows us to focus on our needs, wants, feelings, and goals while providing that same opportunity to them. We begin to heal.
Take “a pause” and think. In other words, don’t respond immediately. This is a very powerful tool!
Respond rather than react. (Homework: look up the difference and try responding instead of reacting the next time you have the opportunity. See how it feels)
Look at the bigger picture. How important is this thing really? A shift in perspective can determine what’s most valuable so we won’t get upset over things that aren’t as important.
Drop your end of the tug-of-war rope. Stop playing the game. There’s no tug-of-war if there isn’t someone pulling on the other end.
Use your voice. Choose your words wisely, be mindful of timing, then say what you mean and mean what you say.
Know when something is your responsibility & when it’s not. Say it nicely, say it with firmness. “No, that’s actually something you should be doing for yourself”
Remind yourself that you’re worthy of setting that boundary and that you’re worthy of being fair to yourself.
Remember- I’m in control of me: we can choose to focus on and be responsible for ourselves, our thoughts, actions, and behavior. We can change ourselves with patience, persistence, and practice. We can take responsibility for getting our needs met, instead of waiting for someone to change or to meet our needs for us. We are in control of ourselves and no one is responsible for us but us.
You don’t have to attend every argument
to which you are invited.
Unknown
More Resources You May Like:
I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self
A Workbook and Journal
How to write the highest vibrating, most powerful affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things
As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping skills and healing strategies for herself. She happily shares those with others who want to learn and grow.
Her Lemon Moms series and other books and articles are a combination of her education, knowledge, personal growth, and insight from her childhood experiences and subsequent recovery work.
Diane holds a Master of Science degree in Information Technology and a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology. She’s worked in numerous fields, including domestic violence and abuse, and is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer about family dysfunction. On The Toolbox, she writes about recovery strategies from hurtful people and painful, dysfunctional, or toxic relationships. She has authored four transformational books about healing and moving forward from narcissistic Victim Syndrome.
If you’re in a recovery program or are working on personal healing, you’ve probably heard the word “codependency.” But what are we actually talking about when we say “codependency?”
Are you codependent?
How do you know if you’re using codependent behavior when you relate to others? Well…do you attempt to control the outcomes of situations? Have you taken actions to prevent someone from feeling the consequences of their choices? Do you offer unsolicited advice or jump in and fix someone’s problems? If the answer’s yes, you’re likely using codependent behavior. It feels like we’re being really helpful, but it’s not helpful, it’s the opposite. Without experiencing consequences, people won’t learn from their mistakes.
Codependent behavior often leaves us feeling resentful. If you’re feeling resentful about something you did or are doing for someone, it might be because you’re using codependent behavior (also known as “enabling.”)
Adult codependents were brought up to emotionally care-take others. As kids, we were caretakers for our siblings and sometimes even for our parents. Often, we were required to “grow up” quickly and take responsibilities that were not age-appropriate. If it felt unsafe, we learned to tiptoe around and not upset anyone. We learned how to become invisible and stay “under the radar.” We monitored other people’s behavior and moods, and we became proactive to meet other people’s needs so WE could feel a sense of stability and safety.
Now, as adults, we’re “people-pleasers” who spend our time finding resolutions for other people’s problems. And because we’re proactive, we spend time focusing on and observing others to see what we can do for them.
We become attracted to the idea of “potential.” And guess what? We become attracted to others because of their potential. We will find emotional, physical, and even financial resources to give to those who have untapped potential! And we’re willing to give our all. These lucky souls become our personal DIY projects; we gladly do anything to help them overcome their problems and obstacles. We go into debt, lose sleep, put ourselves in danger, give up our own goals, give up friends or family, whatever it takes. We feel needed, and we NEED to be needed! And we need to be liked.
Managing and “fixing” other people is just one aspect of codependency.
It feels good to care-take, but as I’ve mentioned, we’re often left feeling taken advantage of or resentful. Why is that? It’s because no one has asked us to fix their problems or their life or to shield them from the consequences of their actions. Deep down, we know this. In our hearts, we know that what we’re doing is unhealthy and that our focus needs to be on our own lives, but we aren’t comfortable doing that. Or we just don’t know how.
If we’re codependent, we can learn appropriate ways to change this.
Other kinds of codependent behavior
In his book, Co-Dependency, An Emerging Issue, Robert Subby defines codependency as “an emotional, psychological and behavioral condition that develops as a result of an individual’s prolonged exposure to… a set of oppressive rules…which prevent the open expression of feeling, and direct discussion of personal (and) interpersonal problems.” That sure is an accurate mouthful!
I learned that I was exercising codependent behavior at a time in my life when I was actively “fixing” aspects of peoples’ lives when they hadn’t asked me to. I was also putting everyone else first, taking care of everyone’s needs even when they hadn’t asked me or expected it. I didn’t put myself on my own “to do” list. I felt exhausted, used, angry, and resentful. Continuing to live this way didn’t make sense.
I needed to break this cycle, yet I didn’t know how. Eventually, I learned to “let go” of my controlling behaviors and to allow people the opportunity to feel the consequences of their own actions. This was extremely uncomfortable for me at first, and I often felt guilty for not “doing my job” of jumping in and “helping.”
Then someone told me that I needed to consider that when I get between someone and their rightful consequences, I may be interfering with their karma or the life lessons intended for them. Wow! I thought about that. With a lot of self-reflection, self-control, and practice, I became much more comfortable backing off. It became second nature to allow others the dignity to address their own problems and the opportunity to feel the natural consequences of their choices. It got a LOT easier as time passed. Now I consciously live this way.
Codependency includes behaviors like :
Being preoccupied or concerned with the needs of others
Placing a low priority on our own needs
Being attracted to needy and emotionally unavailable people
Believing that we have to be in a romantic relationship before we consider our lives worthwhile
Trying to control another’s behavior
Feeling incapable of ending a negative or toxic relationship
Trying to please everyone even though we know we’ll feel resentful
Not taking time for ourselves, ignoring our self-care
Fearing for another’s safety but being willing to risk our own safety
Shielding someone from the consequences of their actions
Taking responsibility for how another person feels
Trying to fix another person’s problem when they haven’t asked you to
Wanting to help or fix others because it makes US feel better
Feeling like our lives are full of unwanted drama
What are your codependent behaviors?
Have I/do I try to manage or control someone else’s life?
Have I taken on responsibilities that aren’t mine?
Have I been called a control freak?
Do I “take care of” others by “cleaning up” their problems?
Do I keep others from dealing with the consequences of their actions?
Do I do things for others that they can and should do for themselves?
Tools:
Remember: We don’t need to attend every argument to which we are invited.
Use your voice. Say what you mean and mean what you say.
Give others the dignity to make their own choices and mistakes and allow them the opportunity to learn from them.
Listen & empathize with someone’s problem or pain without trying to fix it.
Do things that you enjoy and that make you feel cared for. Taking care of ourselves and enjoying life is not selfish.
Help others but wait to be asked. Waiting for the Ask is uncomfortable, but we can do hard things.
More Resources You May Like:
I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self
A Workbook and Journal
How to write the highest vibrating, most powerful affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things
As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping skills and healing strategies for herself. She happily shares those with others who want to learn and grow.
Her Lemon Moms series and other books and articles are a combination of her education, knowledge, personal growth, and insight from her childhood experiences and subsequent recovery work.
Diane holds a Master of Science degree in Information Technology and a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology. She’s worked in numerous fields, including domestic violence and abuse, and is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer about family dysfunction. On The Toolbox, she writes about recovery strategies from hurtful people and painful, dysfunctional, or toxic relationships. She has authored four transformational books about healing and moving forward from narcissistic Victim Syndrome.
Have you ever really thought about your expectations?
Our peace and happiness are inversely proportional to our expectations. Our peace and happiness are directly related to how many expectations we insist on keeping. Think about all the ways you might be disappointed by the people who don’t meet those expectations. Do you see how those people hold the key to much of your happiness and peace? Do you think it might be time to take that powerful key back?
I’ve heard it said that “expectations are premeditated resentments.” Any time our peace or happiness depends on another person’s behavior, we’re giving them the power to, at the very least, disappoint us and maybe hurt us. When we have expectations for ourselves and others, we’re setting ourselves up for disappointment and probably resentment too.
What Are Expectations?
Expectations are about “what I want” in terms of my and other people’s behavior. “Expectations” are another name for the “should’s” that we apply to ourselves and others. All of our expectations are under our control.
Sometimes our expectations are realistic, but often they’re not, and they may also be tied to our perceived value or worth as a person.
Having expectations for others without communicating about them first is the same as expecting them to MIND READ. We may assume that people in our daily lives will “just know” what we want or need at any given time. If they know us, if they LOVE us, shouldn’t they JUST KNOW? We assume they know our expectations. Not only do we expect that people will automatically know what we want, but we assume that they’ll automatically do the things to meet our expectations too. When they don’t know the expectations and don’t meet them, we get resentful. How ridiculous is that? How fair is that to them?
When we grow up in a toxic environment, we may expect that “bad things” will always be part of our experience. We may become adults who expect the worst or live in fearfulness. Those are not healthy or pleasant expectations to hold. Instead, we can examine these expectations to see when we’re unrealistic, and if we change our attitudes about what to expect, it will change our life. If we practice awareness with our expectations, we’re less likely to be disappointed, angry, or resentful when they’re not met.
If we’re using words like “never” and “always” when we talk about our expectations, it indicates that it’s an unreasonable expectation. Having unrealistic or unreasonably high expectations can lead to resentment. When expectations are unrealistic, they’re often based on fear. Conversely, having low expectations can lead to disappointment. Sometimes we purposefully, and maybe unconsciously, set low expectations in hopes of avoiding disappointment.
Sometimes we’re not sure whether our expectations are appropriate. It can be a good idea to ask someone whose integrity you respect to see what they think. Sometimes another perspective can be very helpful.
Here’s the thing: if we practice detaching from outcomes, our fears and resentments begin diminishing.
We’re always changing, and our expectations need to be flexible and able to change too.
Examine your expectations. Are they realistic? How do you know? How can you change that?
How important is this expectation? Is it worth sleepless nights? Is it worth feeling anger, hurt feelings, or resentment? How important is it really?
Let others be who they are. Notice how this feels. Is it pleasant? Why or why not?
Let go; detach. Let go of what people say or didn’t say, or what they did or didn’t do. Let go of outcomes. Let go of the expectations.
Make the goal a process of progress.
Affirmation: “I focus on progress, not perfection.”
Trust the process.
Here’s to all of our continued emotional growth and prosperity!
Learn about codependency and maladaptive coping skills
Self-care: We can only choose to focus on and be responsible for ourselves, our own thoughts, actions, and behavior. We can take responsibility for getting our needs met, instead of waiting for someone to change or meet our needs for us. We are in control of ourselves and no one is responsible for us but us. We can change ourselves with patience, persistence, and practice.
Conscious awareness: Be aware and make conscious choices before acting. Self-awareness releases us from making impulsive and potentially damaging decisions. Practice mindfulness.
Learn about letting go of what you can’t control, by using loving-detachment
More Resources You May Like:
I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self
A Workbook and Journal
How to write the highest vibrating, most powerful affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things
As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping skills and healing strategies for herself. She happily shares those with others who want to learn and grow.
Her Lemon Moms series and other books and articles are a combination of her education, knowledge, personal growth, and insight from her childhood experiences and subsequent recovery work.
Diane holds a Master of Science degree in Information Technology and a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology. She’s worked in numerous fields, including domestic violence and abuse, and is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer about family dysfunction. On The Toolbox, she writes about recovery strategies from hurtful people and painful, dysfunctional, or toxic relationships. She has authored four transformational books about healing and moving forward from narcissistic Victim Syndrome.
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