I found these resources online when looking for support for myself and loved ones. I checked these resources and thought I would share them here. This is by no means an exhaustive list and serves as an example of what you can find online if you are discerning.
I’m not affiliated with these organizations in any way nor do I personally or professionally endorse them.
“Need help? Know someone who does? If you, or someone you care about, are feeling overwhelmed with emotions like sadness, depression, or anxiety, or feel like you want to harm yourself or others: Visit the Disaster Distress Helpline-call 1-800-985-5990, or text TalkWithUs to 66746”
From the Anxiety and Depression Association of America
Quick Expert Tips and Strategies to Manage Coronavirus Anxiety – ADAA 5 minute Video – ADAA member Dr. Debra Kissen https://youtu.be/xP14-Pc56xU. ADAA also has free peer to peer support groups.
And last, but not least, here’s a great article from “Best Sleep Health”
How to sleep better if you have coronavirus related anxiety or sleep disturbances.
Lemon Moms: Resources to guide you in healing from childhood trauma, abuse or neglect. Available on Amazon and wherever books are sold. (Kindle, Audiobook and paperback format.)
How have you overcome a personal struggle during the pandemic?
As we enter week 3,223 of self-quarantine, (or so it seems!) we might find ourselves forced to make even more, or different, accommodations and adjustments than those we already have.
I was talking with my daughter recently about how being stuck at home during the pandemic has forced me to face some things that I usually try to avoid. I’m not a big avoider, but when it comes to TV and social media, whenever I’m exposed to real conflict, confrontation, or anger, I typically click off in a hurry. It makes me uncomfortable and uneasy to witness people engaging in heated disagreements, escalating anger, name-calling, & open disrespect. They are emotional triggers.
In these scenarios, my heart races, and I jump into fight or flight mode. My go-to strategy is to flee. Right. Now. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. Fleeing can mean leaving the room, changing the channel, clicking on something else. Any distraction will do.
Doing what’s needed to avoid these kinds of situations has only bothered me in the intellectual sense. I wished I was different, but I accepted my avoidance tactics because I understood where they came from. Avoidance and escape are some of my survival mechanisms, and I was good with that. Until recently.
The issue
I like data. Databases, writing queries to collect data, and informational reporting are fascinating activities for me. I have a degree in Information Management. I like information in all forms; I guess you could say that information is important to me. So during this time of self-quarantine, it’s essential that I have access to accurate, credible, trustworthy information and reports that help keep my family and me safe and healthy.
On news shows and social media platforms, many times, “information“ is really an individual’s perspective or opinion. And when others don’t share that point of view, nasty disagreements can ensue.
I’m all for having disagreements. There’s nothing inherently wrong with disagreeing with someone. I think sharing and discussing differing viewpoints is healthy and necessary to learn and grow. Differences in opinion and perspective can be voiced in a healthy, respectful, and productive way. My husband and I have differences in opinion, and when that happens, we usually speak calmly, in a respectful tone and demeanor. Often we end up agreeing to disagree. We don’t hurt each other simply because we have differing viewpoints. He’s entitled to his, and I’m entitled to mine. We don’t have to agree on everything. We are individuals.
Differences in points of view can inspire us to question, listen, and learn something new.
What’s not healthy, when disagreeing, is showing blatant disrespect, refusing to listen, judging, offering non-constructive criticism and unsolicited advice, close-mindedness, shouting and name-calling. When those things begin happening on news programs or social media, whether spoken or written, bye-bye, I’m outa there.
You can see how that wouldn’t benefit me in a time of needing and wanting information. I didn’t want only information that aligned with what I already knew or believed; I wanted it all. I wanted to be able to consider other viewpoints and opinions and decide for myself which of them are the most credible or applicable to me. That means that I had to develop the intestinal fortitude to sit through some of those challenges and emotional triggers mentioned above.
Practice makes perfect
Now I’m not going to sit here and tell you that suddenly I’m extremely comfortable witnessing situations that still feel scary and threatening to me. No, not at all.
What’s changed is my willingness to go out of my comfort zone and stay through the scary parts. It may sound ridiculous that it would feel scary when people on TV or social media fight or shout at each other. After all, I’m not involved, I’m in my home, safe, and far removed from any actual threat. But think for a minute about the last scary movie you saw. It had the potential to scare you even though you weren’t personally involved in the story. There you go.
News programs and social media can absolutely instill fear in some of us more than others. If you’ve grown up in a scary, threatening or traumatic home environment, you know what I’m talking about. I hadn’t even realized that these kinds of scenarios were emotional triggers for me until recently. I’d started purposefully seeking out and identifying my triggers awhile ago, and intentionally working to alleviate them. I recognized this as another opportunity.
So I began sitting through the frightening parts, forcing myself to remember that I’m in my own home, that I’m an adult, that I’m safe. Little by little, I began to hear and learn things that I wouldn’t have otherwise. My tolerance for witnessing heated differences of opinion eventually increased. Angry arguments between others began to feel less threatening. That, in itself, broadened my perspective. I found myself more willing to sit through what used to feel intimidating and scary. Having the opportunity to see issues from another’s point of view, and to learn something new, became more important to me than staying in my comfort zone.
My heart doesn’t pound like it used to, and I no longer feel like running from the room. I’m becoming desensitized, and I appreciate that. I can hear shouting, witness open hostility, disrespect, escalating anger, intimidation, and feel anxious about the threat of violence, and still be OK. I’m finding it helpful.
After all, real life doesn’t exist in a bubble. I think these last few weeks of practice, sitting through uncomfortable moments, have helped me understand that I’m stronger and more resilient than I think. I feel emotionally stronger in doing this exercise. I’m going to continue even though it’s still a bit uncomfortable and probably always will be.
What about you?
How have you overcome a personal struggle during the pandemic?
What are the pandemic and self quarantining teaching you about yourself? What have you learned? To share your experience with my readers, go to DianeMetcalf.com/story and send me your story!
Tools:
Self-care: We can only choose to focus on and be responsible for ourselves, our own thoughts, actions, and behavior. The good news is that we can change ourselves with patience, persistence, and practice. We can take responsibility for getting our needs met, instead of waiting for someone to change or meet our needs for us. We are in control of ourselves and no one is responsible for us but us.
Lemon Moms: Resources to guide you in healing from childhood trauma, abuse or neglect. Available on Amazon and wherever books are sold. (Kindle, Audiobook and paperback format.)
Diane Metcalf earned her Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology in 1982 and a
Master of Science in Information Technology in 2013.
She has held Social Worker, Counselor and Managerial Positions in the fields of Domestic Violence and Abuse, Geriatric Healthcare, Developmental Disabilities, and Reproductive Health. She is an experienced Advocate and Speaker on the topics of Domestic Violence and Abuse and has been a guest on Lockport Community Television (LCTV), sharing her knowledge and experience regarding Domestic Abuse with the local community. In addition, she experienced Maternal Narcissistic Abuse and has been involved in other toxic relationships. She purposefully learned (and continues to learn) appropriate coping skills and strategies to live happily. She shares those insights here.
Her books and articles are the results of her education, knowledge, and personal insight regarding her own abusive experiences and subsequent recovery work. She is no longer a practicing Social Worker, Counselor, Program Manager or Advocate, nor is she or has she ever been a licensed psychologist.
Currently, Diane runs her own website design company, Image and Aspect, and writes articles and tutorials for Tips and Snips, her inspirational blog for creative people. She continues to learn and write about Emotional Healing.
This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a
substitute for professional therapy.
There’s been a lot of research in the field of Early Childhood Development, regarding trauma and abuse. The effects of a traumatic childhood on future adult behavior and relationships have been well documented. Two contemporary psychologists, John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, have contributed much to our current understanding of this connection. Their research reveals how unmet childhood emotional needs can impact their future mental health and relationships.
John Bowlby (1907–1990) was a British psychologist and psychoanalyst known for his “childhood attachments” theory. He performed extensive research on the concept of attachment and described it as a “lasting psychological connectedness between human beings” (Bowlby 1969). He theorized that childhood experiences directly influence adult development and behavior, and concluded that individual attachment styles are established in early childhood wholly through infant/caregiver relationships.
His research and that of psychologist Mary Ainsworth contribute to the current body of work known as “attachment theory.”
According to Bowlby, the attachment phase takes place in the first three years of life. His research indicates that to develop a healthy sense of self, including a foundation for forming healthy adult relationships, we must feel safe in our key caregiver relationships. Traumatic experiences may negatively impact the child’s ability to form secure attachments in the future.
Here’s the thing: survivors of complex childhood trauma often have difficulty forming attachments to other people. This struggle creates a self-perpetuating cycle: an unfulfilled desire for connection leads to loneliness and isolation, which can lead to depression, risky, and self-destructive behaviors, which can lead to loneliness and isolation.
In 1970, Dr. Ainsworth expanded on Bowlby’s work in her paper “Attachment, Exploration, and Separation: Illustrated by The Behavior of One-Year-Olds in a Strange Situation.” In her research, she discovered three major attachment styles: secure, ambivalent-insecure, and avoidant-insecure attachment (Ainsworth and Bell 1970). They were expanding on that research in 1986 when Drs. Mary Main and Judith Solomon added a fourth attachment style called “disorganized-insecure attachment” (Main and Solomon 1986). Additional research supports their conclusions and the idea that early attachment styles can predict future behavior.
The Attachment Styles
The following is a description of the four attachment styles as per Drs. Ainsworth, Main, and Solomon:
A secure attachment style forms when a primary caregiver is mostly predictable, reliable, and trustworthy. If a parent or caregiver is a source of comfort, the child feels relaxed as they discover, learn, and play in their environment. As an adult, this person can develop meaningful connections with others and confidently deals with the inevitable disagreements.
An insecure ambivalent attachment
style forms when
a primary caregiver is unreliable, erratic, or unpredictable. There are times the
child feels cared for, which are interspersed with times of being shouted at or
rejected. These kinds of mixed messages often lead to the child feeling
indecisive, hesitant, or doubtful. As an adult, this person may feel a sense of
dependency combined with a fear of abandonment.
An insecure-avoidant attachment
style forms when
a primary caregiver is disengaged, distant, and unavailable. The child’s needs go
unmet or are ignored, and they learn to take care of themselves, becoming self-reliant.
As an adult, this person may have a dismissive attitude towards other’s emotional
needs or lack the ability to experience intimacy with others.
A disorganized attachment style forms when a primary caregiver is
chaotic and abusive. The caregiver is not a source of love and nurturing but of
fear and trepidation. Kids still attach to an aggressive, cruel, or abusive parent
because humans are born with a need for closeness. But we also have a strong
need to escape danger. A child in this position will likely develop feelings of
helplessness and hopelessness because they’re caught in the middle; they need
and desire attachment and also need to escape danger. As an adult, this person
will likely alternate between feeling fear or anger and defeat or depression.
It’s common to repeat the first relational patterns and attachment styles we learned as children. (Schwartz, A., 2019). Most of us have a “combination style” of attachment because we often have more than one parent or caretaker. Each of them treats us differently, and so we develop a combination of these four attachment styles.
Tools:
Conscious awareness: Be aware and make conscious choices before acting. Self-awareness releases us from making impulsive and potentially damaging decisions. Learn about setting boundaries
Self-care: We can only choose to focus on and be responsible for ourselves, our own thoughts, actions, and behavior. The good news is that we can change ourselves with patience, persistence, and practice. We can take responsibility for getting our needs met, instead of waiting for someone to change or meet our needs for us. We are in control of ourselves and no one is responsible for us but us.
Lemon Moms: Resources to guide you in healing from childhood trauma, abuse or neglect. Available on Amazon and wherever books are sold. (Kindle, Audiobook and paperback format.)
Diane Metcalf earned her Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology in 1982 and a
Master of Science in Information Technology in 2013.
She has held Social Worker, Counselor and Managerial Positions in the fields of Domestic Violence and Abuse, Geriatric Healthcare, Developmental Disabilities, and Reproductive Health. She is an experienced Advocate and Speaker on the topics of Domestic Violence and Abuse and has been a guest on Lockport Community Television (LCTV), sharing her knowledge and experience regarding Domestic Abuse with the local community. In addition, she experienced Maternal Narcissistic Abuse and has been involved in other toxic relationships. She purposefully learned (and continues to learn) appropriate coping skills and strategies to live happily. She shares those insights here.
Her books and articles are the results of her education, knowledge, and personal insight regarding her own abusive experiences and subsequent recovery work. She is no longer a practicing Social Worker, Counselor, Program Manager or Advocate, nor is she or has she ever been a licensed psychologist.
Currently, Diane runs her own website design company, Image and Aspect, and writes articles and tutorials for Tips and Snips, her inspirational blog for creative people. She continues to learn and write about Emotional Healing.
This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a
substitute for professional therapy.
I’m tired of hearing about the coronavirus. But at the same time, I want and need to stay apprised of what’s happening. Things are changing very quickly, almost hourly, and it’s tempting to keep the TV on just to stay “in the know“. But here’s the thing: staying glued to news programs can overwhelm you, release stress hormones, cause insomnia, worry and unnecessary anxiety.I
I’m not saying don’t watch the news, but know when to turn it off or temporarily disengage. Events are unfolding at such a rapid pace that it’s hard to keep up. Immersing yourself in the negativity without taking breaks for helpful and healing activities will affect your thoughts and your body negatively.
I experienced this myself last Tuesday. Until then, I thought I was handling the unfolding events very well. But quite unexpectedly, I had a surge of overwhelming feelings and I found myself crying with no real “reason“ for it. I felt like I just couldn’t handle another piece of information. It felt good to cry, and, I suggest that you do some crying too. Crying is like a pressure valve. It lets out the feelings we’ve been holding inside while trying to stay strong. But we’re strong even when we cry. I think it’s a smart healing-thing to do, and we feel more clearheaded, grounded and calm when we’re finished.
We ‘re all experiencing traumatic events right now. We may be overwhelmed with information coming through the radio, TV, friends, family, neighbors, or social media. We may not know what to think or what to do. We may become hyper-vigilant, trying to keep up, putting our flight or fight survival mode into overdrive. This means dealing with an excess of hormones like cortisol, (which can cause, among other things, slower healing, weakness, fatigue, irritability, difficulty concentrating, high blood pressure, and headaches) and adrenaline (which among other things, increases heart rate and blood pressure). It also means that our hippocampus and amygdalae won’t be able to store short term memories properly, and you may find yourself feeling scatterbrained.
What you can do
Take frequent breaks from the input. Taking breaks can also feel overwhelming and traumatizing at first. It’s important to know that if you find yourself getting overwhelmed, feeling stressed or anxious, you should turn off the media and do something healing for yourself. Take a bath or a shower, clean a room, rearrange your pantry, clean out a drawer, take inventory of your supplies, journal, reach out to a friend; anything that will make you feel better and serve as a distraction from the situation. Think of all the things you can do to make you feel better and use that list over the next several weeks.
Think back to a time when you felt overwhelmed and life was uncertain, and you got through it. Remind yourself that you coped then, and you will this time, too. Focus less on the changes and uncertainty and instead focus on centering, grounding and calming yourself. Go back to watching the news when you feel you can handle it. Watch in short doses, taking short breaks in between.
If you’re stuck at home, use this new gift of time to do the things you’ve been putting off. Get started writing that book, read to your kids, organize your digital photos, organize a closet. You get the idea. Think of the things you’ve been wanting to do and wishing you had the time to do, then start doing them. It’s amazing what getting into the “flow“ does to make you feel accomplished.
Connect with people using social media. See if you have “Nextdoor.com” for your neighborhood and connect electronically with your neighbors. You can share information about stores and product availability, other resources, and important information.
Check-in on elderly loved ones and elderly neighbors. Help whoever you can.
Read uplifting material whether it’s spiritual text, poetry, or old love letters. Watch comedies. Read that book you’ve been wanting to read!
Journal! Not only will writing get worries off your mind, but it could be a keepsake for your children later on; a historical record of what’s happening and your thoughts and feelings about it.
Do something physically challenging for stress relief. Jog in place, or pull out one of those old exercise videos and have at it. Make a game of it with your kids. Movement feels good and releases endorphins and other calming hormones. So does guided meditation, yoga, and stretching. Do the things that help you feel grounded, like praying or gratitude exercises.
Control what you’re eating. Sugars and carbs cause inflammation, and inflammation lowers immunity.
Amp up your current healing journey: I’m releasing a special black-and-white printable PDF version of the Companion Healing Workbook for “Lemon Mom’s” this week instead of May as planned.
The full-color, bound version will be available for purchase on Amazon when “Lemon Moms” is released this spring.
Although “Lemon Moms” has not been published yet, (we’re in the formatting and cover-design phase!) the companion workbook will take you through multiple healing activities that you can start even before reading the book.
Six things that keep your immunity high
Eat healthy foods in moderation and take a daily multivitamin.
Exercise for 30 minutes daily.
Get enough sleep.
Wash your hands.
Minimize or stop alcohol consumption.
Quit smoking. Now is a great time!
Make time for yourself
As we become accustomed to these new events and our new temporary lifestyle, put yourself on your own to-do list. Make yourself a priority too. Remember, airlines always tell us to put on our own oxygen mask before assisting others. There’s a reason for that: you’re not going to be of any use to anyone if you don’t take care of yourself first.
Stay well, and, stay healthy my friends.
Tools:
Conscious awareness: Be aware and make conscious choices before acting. Self-awareness releases us from making impulsive and potentially damaging decisions. Learn about setting boundaries
Self-care: We can only choose to focus on and be responsible for ourselves, our own thoughts, actions, and behavior. The good news is that we can change ourselves with patience, persistence, and practice. We can take responsibility for getting our needs met, instead of waiting for someone to change or meet our needs for us. We are in control of ourselves and no one is responsible for us but us.
Lemon Moms: Resources to guide you in healing from childhood trauma, abuse or neglect. Available on Amazon and wherever books are sold. (Kindle, Audiobook and paperback format.)
Diane Metcalf earned her Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology in 1982 and a
Master of Science in Information Technology in 2013.
She has held Social Worker, Counselor and Managerial Positions in the fields of Domestic Violence and Abuse, Geriatric Healthcare, Developmental Disabilities, and Reproductive Health. She is an experienced Advocate and Speaker on the topics of Domestic Violence and Abuse and has been a guest on Lockport Community Television (LCTV), sharing her knowledge and experience regarding Domestic Abuse with the local community. In addition, she experienced Maternal Narcissistic Abuse and has been involved in other toxic relationships. She purposefully learned (and continues to learn) appropriate coping skills and strategies to live happily. She shares those insights here.
Her books and articles are the results of her education, knowledge, and personal insight regarding her own abusive experiences and subsequent recovery work. She is no longer a practicing Social Worker, Counselor, Program Manager or Advocate, nor is she or has she ever been a licensed psychologist.
Currently, Diane runs her own website design company, Image and Aspect, and writes articles and tutorials for Tips and Snips, her inspirational blog for creative people. She continues to learn and write about Emotional Healing.
This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a
substitute for professional therapy.
The
term Complex-Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (also
known as C-PTSD and “disorders of extreme stress not otherwise specified”) is
still relatively new. Some mental health practitioners would like C-PTSD to have its own diagnostic criteria, separate
from those of PTSD. This change may actually be forthcoming. I think a possible
indicator is that PTSD was removed
from the “anxiety disorders” category
and added to a brand new section called “trauma and stress-related disorders” in the DSM-5 (Gattuso, R. 2018).
Symptoms
PTSD symptoms are stress-related coping mechanisms called “triggers” that are associated with hypervigilance. (Lanius et al. 2010). They’re often seen combined with non-anxiety symptoms like angry outbursts, self-destructive behavior, flashbacks, and nightmares, and they include physiological sensations like nausea or a sudden rapid heartbeat.
People who have C-PTSD experience the same symptoms of PTSD, but
they also suffer from additional symptoms such as:
feelings
of shame or guilt
feelings
of responsibility for the abuse
difficulty
controlling emotions
episodes
of losing attention and focus (dissociation)
physical
symptoms like headaches, dizziness, chest pains, and stomach aches
isolation
from friends and family
relationship
difficulties
destructive
or risky behavior, such as alcohol or drug abuse
suicidal thoughts
In
addition to the C-PTSD symptoms above, there are some additional ones to be
aware of:
unnecessary
worrying
adrenal
burnout
chronic
inflammatory disorders
mental
exhaustion
various
forms of anxiety
depression/
or loss of pleasure
black-and-white
thinking
digestive
disturbances
weight
loss or weight gain
self-gaslighting:
a form of self-doubt that contributes to codependency. The consequence of
living in a hostile environment and lacking adequate emotional support.
Emotional triggers
Traumatic experiences are not stored linearly as stories, but as fragments of sensory input: smells, sights, sounds, touches, tastes. These stored fragments can become the “triggers” that alert us to recurring danger or threats. Triggers are highly sensitive and reactive emotions that are activated by our environment or another person’s behavior or words. When we become triggered, we automatically react without any thought. There is often a sense of losing control of ourselves. When we become triggered because of C-PTSD, it becomes challenging to navigate our daily lives and relationships.
If we’re triggered, we may quietly emotionally withdraw, or we may react rather intensely and aggressively. Either way, it’s because we’re
defending ourselves against
a perceived threat, whether it’s a real threat
or just feels like one.
Our
emotional triggers are wounds that still need to heal. For example, a friend makes a casual remark, and for
some reason, you suddenly and without warning, hear yourself snap back with a cutting and
intentionally hurtful remark. You don’t know what came over you. You weren’t in
a bad mood or feeling angry, but immediately as the comment was made, you
instinctively reacted swiftly and defensively to shut them down and protect
yourself. You intuitively understand that you wounded and confused your friend,
but you don’t know why. Later, after you’ve taken the necessary time to reflect
on and process what happened, you realize that at the moment you heard the
comment, you instantly felt distraught, confused, and full of self-doubt. In
effect,
you felt instantly inferior.
It was as if a “switch” had been flipped.
You also recognize that the remark was not said to intentionally hurt you, and yet you deliberately reacted viciously, with a desire to inflict pain. So you decide to apologize to your friend. You understood now that the remark activated one of your triggers, and your triggers are your responsibility.
Get to know your triggers. We can never know all of our triggers because we’re usually not aware of them until they happen. Triggers are created by consistency and repetition. We develop new ones throughout life because we’re continually partaking in new life experiences. Once you have an idea of what your triggers are, you can form appropriate responses to them and have them ready for the next time. You can also replace your triggers by questioning their validity. Whether it is or isn’t, get rid of unrealistic expectations and cut yourself some slack. You are not perfect. There is no such thing as perfection. You’re a human being who doesn’t know everything and never will, but you’re learning and growing every day. Is that not enough?
Survivors of complex trauma often
have difficulty forming attachments to other people. An unfulfilled longing for
connection can be a cause of deep-seated loneliness, which may further contribute
to developing other symptoms. Depression and risky or self-destructive
behaviors are often attributed to a lack of emotional connection. It makes
sense that the treatment process for C-PTSD includes learning ways to
strengthen the ability to feel attached to others while at the same time feeling
safe, secure, and loved. It is “an extremely difficult process” but not impossible. (Franco, F. 2018).
Tools:
Conscious awareness: Be aware and make conscious choices before acting. Self-awareness releases us from making impulsive and potentially damaging decisions. Learn about setting boundaries
Self-care: We can only choose to focus on and be responsible for ourselves, our own thoughts, actions, and behavior. The good news is that we can change ourselves with patience, persistence, and practice. We can take responsibility for getting our needs met, instead of waiting for someone to change or meet our needs for us. We are in control of ourselves and no one is responsible for us but us.
Lemon Moms: Resources to guide you in healing from childhood trauma, abuse or neglect. Available on Amazon and wherever books are sold. (Kindle, Audiobook and paperback format.)
Diane Metcalf earned her Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology in 1982 and a
Master of Science in Information Technology in 2013.
She has held Social Worker, Counselor and Managerial Positions in the fields of Domestic Violence and Abuse, Geriatric Healthcare, Developmental Disabilities, and Reproductive Health. She is an experienced Advocate and Speaker on the topics of Domestic Violence and Abuse and has been a guest on Lockport Community Television (LCTV), sharing her knowledge and experience regarding Domestic Abuse with the local community. In addition, she experienced Maternal Narcissistic Abuse and has been involved in other toxic relationships. She purposefully learned (and continues to learn) appropriate coping skills and strategies to live happily. She shares those insights here.
Her books and articles are the results of her education, knowledge, and personal insight regarding her own abusive experiences and subsequent recovery work. She is no longer a practicing Social Worker, Counselor, Program Manager or Advocate, nor is she or has she ever been a licensed psychologist.
Currently, Diane runs her own website design company, Image and Aspect, and writes articles and tutorials for Tips and Snips, her inspirational blog for creative people. She continues to learn and write about Emotional Healing.
This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a
substitute for professional therapy.
“Narcissism falls along the axis of what psychologists call personality disorders, one of a group (of four) that includes antisocial, dependent, histrionic, avoidant, and borderline personalities. But by most measures, narcissism is one of the worst, if only because the narcissist themselves are so clueless” (Kluger, J. 2011)
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is defined in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, fifth edition. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual is a publication by The American Psychiatric Association and is used by clinicians for classifying and diagnosing mental disorders. It is the official source for definitions related to mental illness (DSM-V).
Personality disorders, specifically Cluster B types like narcissism, are characterized by drama, unreliable and very emotional behavior (Hoermann,Ph.D., S., Zupanick, Psy.D., C., & Dombeck, Ph.D., M. (2019)
According to the DSM-V, Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a Cluster B disorder characterized by these nine criteria:
grandiose sense of self-importance
preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, beauty, etc.
believes that s/he is “special” and can only be understood by, or associate with like-minded people
requires excessive admiration
feels entitled to, and expects special treatment
is manipulative and exploitative
lacks empathy
is envious of others and/or believes others are envious of them
displays arrogant or haughty behavior.
How is it diagnosed?
To be diagnosed with narcissism, at least five of these specific traits must be chronically present.
The word “narcissism” indicates a set of personality traits such as selfishness, vanity, manipulation, and self-importance. Narcissists are described as “challenging” to interact with. They are often defensive, condescending, and “know everything.” They can be aggressive and even physically abusive. Narcissism has no known cure, although Cognitive Behavioral Therapy may provide a means for learning self-awareness. Narcissists don’t usually seek help or therapy because they don’t think there’s anything wrong with them. They think everyone else is the problem.
“Narcissists lack the ability to emotionally tune-in to other people. They cannot feel and show empathy or unconditional love. They are typically critical and judgmental” -Karyl McBride, Ph.D.
Common Narcissism Personality Traits
Concerned with image and status
Don’t like accountability or taking responsibility
Prone to Narcissistic Rages when threatened
Comfortable using violence to achieve goals
Use manipulation to get what they want
Test boundaries to see how far they can go
Impatient
Easily frustrated
Irritable
Can’t communicate honestly because “winning” is the goal
Invalidating of others. Convey a clear message that “you don’t matter.”
Indifferent
Unapologetic
Blaming
Shirk personal responsibility
Use name-calling and public shaming to gain control.
Hostile
Aggressive
Selfish, self-centered
Lack empathy; can’t identify with other people’s feelings
Their words don’t match their actions (in my experience: their words don’t match their voice intonation and/or facial expressions)
Common Narcissism Behaviors
They “re-write history” as a way to protect their image. This is known as “Gaslighting.” In their version of what happened, they’re always either the hero or the victim
Staring at you to make you feel uncomfortable
Baiting you and picking fights
Emotional dumping (expecting you to listen to their problems, criticism of you, ways in which you disappoint them, and what or how you should change to please them. This is done without empathy. They have no regard for how this will affect you. They will not allow you to share your feelings with them. It is a one-sided interaction. They are not interested in how you feel.
Intentionally misunderstanding what you’ve said, “twisting” your words to give them a different meaning.
Projecting their thoughts or feelings onto you and saying that’s how you think or how you feel
Threatening to publicly shame or “ruin” you by publishing something embarrassing such as a picture or a letter.
Expecting behavior from children that isn’t age-appropriate
Expecting a level of understanding from children that isn’t age-appropriate
Expecting emotional-caretaking from others
Life is a game of power and control, they play to win at any cost.
They use other people’s empathy and vulnerability against them.
Narcissistic Rages:intense anger, aggression, or passive-aggression that occurs when a narcissist experiences a setback, or disappointment; anything that shatters their illusions of grandiosity, entitlement, or superiority, and triggers their inadequacy, shame, and/or vulnerability.
Coercion: Getting you to give up or to do something that you don’t want to do. Slowly and subtly takes over. Becomes “protective,” wants to know where you are and what you’re doing; jealous, provokes arguments, limits contact with your friends and family.
Having a personality disorder doesn’t make the narcissist a bad person, but it does significantly decrease their ability to correctly perceive reality.
How it begins
So, how does someone become a narcissist? It can be learned in childhood from a narcissistic parent or caregiver. As a child, it’s possible that victims of narcissists create a “false self” as a coping mechanism to survive emotionally.
The false-self expresses itself more suitably and acceptably than the true self. The false self imitates “normal” human emotions including empathy and this allows the narcissist to appear to be a kind, caring, and compassionate human being.
As children, we cope the best we know how, with the skills that we have at that time, healthy or not. The narcissist may have dealt with adverse childhood trauma by imitating the narcissist in their life, or they may have learned to please the narcissist instead, thereby becoming Codependent in the process. (Codependency is a set of learned, maladaptive coping-tools characterized by monitoring the environment, attempting to control people and/or outcomes, “helping” or fixing other people’s problems, protecting others from the consequences of their choices, anticipating and meeting other people’s needs, and putting themselves last.)
Narcissistic parents are not healthy role models for their children. They may do things like using foul language in front of (or directed at) their children, use age-inappropriate adult/sexual statements and inferences, behave immaturely, violate the law, openly show their addictions, and may bring partners home for sex around (or front of ) the children. If they’re “serial monogamists,” they state that every new partner is “the love of their life” or “the one.”
When a primary caregiver is a narcissist, kids are much more vulnerable to narcissistic abuse. Very young children don’t have the mental capacity to comprehend that their parent is mentally ill. They completely trust and depend on the parent. They’re easily manipulated and emotionally controlled.
It’s important to understand and accept that if a parent is a narcissist, they’ve been deeply hurt and damaged, and were probably also abused or taught to expect “entitlement” as a child. Perhaps they learned this from another narcissist, caretaker, or role model. It’s not an excuse for their behavior, but a way to see them with compassion and try to understand.
Narcissists are oblivious to the damage they do to their children because they’re self-absorbed. Nor are they self-aware enough to care.
Treatment
Most narcissists will never know whether they’re on the NPD spectrum or if they have full-blown NPD because most don’t seek treatment. They don’t believe that they have a problem. EVERYONE ELSE has a problem. Never them. Everyone else is mentally ill, needs some form of treatment, or should be medicated. So, most narcissists have never gotten a professional diagnosis, or any professional help.
It’s important to a narcissist that their ego is kept intact and inflated, which is the norm for them. The ego is the part of the mind that arbitrates between the conscious and the unconscious. It’s responsible for our sense of self and personal identity and is the filter through which we see ourselves. We tell our egos specific “stories” to live with our beliefs about who we are.
Narcissists enjoy believing they’re superior to everyone, smarter and better at everything. This is one reason they’re often so defensive and argumentative and are quick to anger. If you challenge a narcissist, there will always be repercussions.
Narcissists need to feel superior and “right” in any situation. They don’t experience feelings of remorse. Remorsefulness would require the narcissist to feel empathy, and sympathy, and to take responsibility for their actions (Hammond, C. 2018).
Tools:
Conscious awareness: Be aware and make conscious choices before acting. Self-awareness releases us from making impulsive and potentially damaging decisions.
Self-care: We can only choose to focus on and be responsible for ourselves, our own thoughts, actions, and behavior. The good news is that we can change ourselves with patience, persistence, and practice. We can take responsibility for getting our needs met, instead of waiting for someone to change or meet our needs for us. We are in control of ourselves and no one is responsible for us but us.
Lemon Moms: Resources to guide you in healing from childhood trauma, abuse or neglect. Available on Amazon and wherever books are sold. (Kindle, Audiobook and paperback format.)
Diane Metcalf earned her Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology in 1982 and a
Master of Science in Information Technology in 2013.
She has held Social Worker, Counselor and Managerial Positions in the fields of Domestic Violence and Abuse, Geriatric Healthcare, Developmental Disabilities, and Reproductive Health. She is an experienced Advocate and Speaker on the topics of Domestic Violence and Abuse and has been a guest on Lockport Community Television (LCTV), sharing her knowledge and experience regarding Domestic Abuse with the local community. In addition, she experienced Maternal Narcissistic Abuse and has been involved in other toxic relationships. She purposefully learned (and continues to learn) appropriate coping skills and strategies to live happily. She shares those insights here.
Her books and articles are the results of her education, knowledge, and personal insight regarding her own abusive experiences and subsequent recovery work. She is no longer a practicing Social Worker, Counselor, Program Manager or Advocate, nor is she or has she ever been a licensed psychologist.
Currently, Diane runs her own website design company, Image and Aspect, and writes articles and tutorials for Tips and Snips, her inspirational blog for creative people. She continues to learn and write about Emotional Healing.
This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a
substitute for professional therapy.
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