This month we’re talking about narcissistic lying. Here’s the thing: narcissists lie. A lot. It’s part of their nature. But did you know that all human beings lie? Our reasons for lying and the types of lies we tell are based on various grounds. The fundamental difference is motivation.
Self-serving Lies
We may tell self-serving lies (aka “egocentric lies”) to enhance our feeling of well-being, to achieve a goal, to avoid disappointing someone, or to avoid potential humiliation. Have you ever told a self-serving lie? Here’s an example: you offered to make a homemade veggie dip for tomorrow’s office meeting. But you didn’t have time to make it, so you wake early and go to the grocery to pick one up from the deli. You put it in a dish and add it to the table’s offerings. When you receive compliments, it feels good! So you don’t divulge that the dip was store-bought (Neal 2017).
We may tell kindhearted lies (aka “face-saving” or pro-social lies) to prevent someone’s feelings from getting hurt, to save a relationship, or to keep ourselves from losing status. We tell kindhearted lies because we feel empathy or because we care about the person we’re lying to. Sometimes we want to look like we care more about something than we really do, and so we tell a kindhearted lie.
Have you ever told a kindhearted lie to avoid hurting someone or to seem more interested in someone or something than you actually were? Same.
Narcissistic Lies
The current theory about narcissistic lying is that all narcissistic behaviors, including lying, are unconsciously motivated by shame and driven by previous narcissistic injuries.
Lying is central to a narcissist’s identity, but because all of their experiences are filtered through previous narcissistic injuries, they’ll view their lie as “The Truth.” In his book “The Narcissist You Know,” Dr. Joseph Burgo says about the narcissist, “He doesn’t see himself as a liar but rather as an embattled defender of the ‘truth’ as he has come to see it” (Burgo 2016).
Narcissistic behaviors, including lying, are unconsciously motivated by shame and driven by previous narcissistic injuries.
A narcissist’s lies are a combination of their character traits and life experiences, so there’s usually a small “kernel” of truth in each lie. It’ll be difficult and confusing for you to try to find that kernel, but your intuition will tell you it’s there. In their story, in addition to lying, they’ll also exaggerate any information that makes them look “good,” and they’ll just as easily minimize information that has the potential to make them look “bad.”
Because narcissists must believe that they’re always correct and never make mistakes, they often have difficulty knowing the difference between lies and the truth. It makes absolute sense if you remember that a narcissist’s entire life is a lie because of their false face. They carry grandiose beliefs about their false selves, and they need validation and affirmation to hold onto those beliefs. The false self keeps the narcissist feeling superior, and that’s essential to avoiding narcissistic injuries. They see anything that threatens their superiority as an attack and will respond as such.
Narcissists need to lie to keep the false face intact, and they need and expect us to believe those lies, or there will be hell to pay. Usually in the form ofnarcissistic rages or silent treatments.
Could you be feeling the effects of Narcissism Awareness Grief? Download thefree chapter to find out:
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When someone’s vibe feels “icky,” or they have “unusual”personality quirks, would you know if they are genuine warning signs or if you could be in danger?
Coming Fall/Winter 2023
Icks, Personality Quirks, or Warning Signs? How to Know the Difference, by Diane Metcalf
Sign up for exclusive access to free chapters, progress, contests, and launch team, and be notified when it’s available!
Have you been caught off guard by toxic individuals? Want to enhance your ability to spot warning signs and protect yourself from emotional mistreatment and abuse? Look no further!
This upcoming book delves deep into the complexities of human behavior, guiding you through the maze of narcissists, psychopaths, manipulators, liars, and self-absorbed individuals. Learn the crucial skills to differentiate between harmless eccentricities and genuine red flags.
Feel empowered to rescue, protect and heal yourself from their mistreatment or abuse
I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self, Workbook and Journal, by Diane Metcalf
Experience the power of self-affirmation: using positive statements to improve well-being and performance. Learn research-based steps to write the most effective affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things.
Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism, by Diane Metcalf
For as long as I can remember, there was something “different” about my mother. She wasn’t like other mothers.
My mom didn’t hug or kiss, smile at, spend time with, or play with me. She never seemed happy to see me. She didn’t ask about my school day and wasn’t interested in knowing my friends. She seemed to have no interest in me or anything that I did. My mom called me hurtful names and obscenities, and at times, she ignored me, not speaking to me for days, weeks, or even months. When she felt sad I was expected to emotionally care-take her. When she didn’t feel like parenting, I was responsible for my siblings. When she lost her temper she hit. When I was disobedient, there were bizarre punishments.
I was not allowed to express feelings, ask questions, or show initiative or curiosity. My feelings were discounted, minimized, or invalidated. She re-wrote my memories, and I was expected to believe her version. I was to obey, stay quiet, and not question.
If any of this sounds familiar, you are not alone. If there is manipulation, power struggles, or cruelty in your relationship, this book can help. If you second-guess your memory, doubt your judgment or sanity, or continually seek your mother’s withheld affection, attention, approval, or love, this book can explain why.
Get the TOOLBOX posts twice monthly in your inbox!
About the Author
Drawing from her personal experiences of growing up in a dysfunctional household, Diane Metcalf has developed effective coping and healing strategies. With the assistance of professional therapists and mindful personal growth, she has honed her skills and now happily shares them with others who are interested in learning and growing.
As an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer, Diane is well-versed in topics such as narcissism, family dysfunction, abuse, and recognizing warning signs. Her extensive knowledge is drawn not only from her personal experiences, but also from her work in human service fields, including domestic violence, partner abuse, and court advocacy. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.
Diane’s transformational books on healing and personal growth, such as the highly acclaimed “Lemon Moms” series, offer emotional support and guidance in understanding narcissistic traits and healing past wounds. Her approach emphasizes self-awareness, intention, self-care, and establishing healthy boundaries as essential components in the healing process.
Learn more about the Lemon Moms series: Lemon Moms
Why you can’t please her, why she withholds love and affection, and why nothing you do is good enough. Why you can’t win.
Have you ever felt apprehensive about interacting or talking with your mother? That could be a signal that you feel unsafe to some degree, emotionally or physically. Remember, you have intuition, and it’s there to protect you. It’s important to acknowledge what your intuition suggests without judging or assigning any value, like “bad” or “wrong.” Affirm yourself by accepting the feelings you have about talking with your mother and acknowledging that you have reason to feel the way you do. Recognize that what you are sensing is valid, and honor that. Don’t lie to yourself, and don’t gaslight yourself. This could be a turning point for healing. It’s time to be real.
“With a narcissistic mother, we’re not allowed to express feelings like anger, and we’re certainly not allowed to talk back or disagree. We can’t show happiness, have fun, or be silly without earning her disapproval.”
If your mother has narcissistic traits or is a narcissist, then it’s improbable that you’ll be able to have that heart-to-heart connection with her that you’ve always longed for. You know: where you can just visit peacefully, enjoy each other’s company, and relate. In your fantasy, you feel lighthearted, and being with her feels easy. You laugh, and you feel safe and comfortable. In your imaginary time together, your mother doesn’t judge you, criticize, or make barbed comments, and you don’t have to justify and defend your every thought, feeling, or choice. In your fantasy, your mother accepts and supports you; she hears you, she sees you, and you feel as though you matter a great deal to her. You feel secure in knowing she’s got your back.
Yes, those of us with narcissistic mothers have those kinds of fantasies. And in recovery, we learn to accept that she’s simply not capable of this kind of emotional connection, and we begin to let that idea go so that we can get unstuck and move forward. In healing, we come to realize that there are and always will be others who want an emotional connection with us, and we nurture those relationships. Some of us may even be fortunate enough to find a mother figure who meets our needs.
No, you won’t have that heart-to-heart connection with her, but you can learn to interact with her without getting hurt or frustrated. You can learn how to protect yourself and minimize the severity of the usual painful exchanges. Of course, you have the choice to go “no contact.” For me, “no contact” felt extreme, binary, and “all or none.” I wanted to try something different that would allow interaction while keeping me safe, remaining in my power. So I developed a method that, over time, worked to protect me during our interactions.
Pointless Arguments
Narcissists live by their emotions, and their emotional state dictates how they respond. By the way, there is no scientific consensus on a definition of emotion. In my books, I define emotion as a feeling which has a chosen meaning attached to it. So, a feeling + a chosen meaning = an emotion.
As we know, emotions are not data, and they’re not factual. Emotions are chemically driven and are affected by a myriad of variables like environmental stimuli, physical health, age, worldview, self-talk, sleep quality and quantity, stress level, personal experience, food choices, beliefs, memories, thoughts, and much more. Narcissists may understand this, but they can’t relate to it.
For example, can the weather cause you to feel an emotion? Well, maybe. If you’re inside today, cozy and comfortable, and it begins to storm, do you feel any emotion about it? Some will say yes, and some will say no. But if you’re getting married today and it begins to downpour, will you have feelings about it? You’ll likely have strong feelings; disappointment, anger, sadness, or others. If you’re a farmer during a drought, you’d be elated about the drencher. In each example, the meaning each person gives to “rain” is very different, and the resulting emotion will align with that meaning. As they say, “perspective is everything.”
Narcissists have a self-centered perspective, and as their emotions change, their reality changes along with it. They view the present moment however their emotional filters are presenting it, and they’re usually going to be a victim. Discussions with a narcissistic mother are frustrating. If your mother is a narcissist, conversations seem futile and pointless. You’re not heard, much less understood. Your thoughts, feelings, and opinions are invalidated or mocked. You might even be called names or shouted at.
“You won’t have a heart-to-heart connection with your mother, but you can learn how to interact with her in a way that feels empowering.”
When emotionally healthy adults disagree with each other, they still speak politely to each other. They use logic, intelligence, good judgment, and skill sets like negotiation and compromise. In conversations with emotionally immature people like narcissists, this isn’t possible. A narcissistic mother talks at you and doesn’t hear what you say. She’s preoccupied, thinking of her next response and reviewing the list of ways that you’ve “wronged her.” Because she’s driven by emotion and the need to feel admired, correct, and superior, she challenges every point you make.
Emotionally Exhausting Discussions
Narcissistic moms enjoy having pointless arguments. They love it when we keep explaining, keep trying, and keep showing her that we’re emotionally invested in our relationship with her. They love that we care about what she thinks of us. These are forms of narcissistic supply for her. Have you ever had a long argument about nothing? That’s a form of supply; she was rejuvenated while you were being drained.
To minimize the possibility of a time-wasting, emotionally exhausting discussion, particular actions need to be taken before, during, and after talking with your narcissistic mother.
End Frustrating Conversations
From now on, conversations with your mom need to be planned. You’ll need to strategize. This sounds ridiculous when you consider you’re going through all of this trouble just to have a conversation with your mother. It shouldn’t be this difficult, right? You might even feel anger or resentment because of all the extra time and planning it will take to have a civil conversation with her. I get it, and it’s OK to feel that way. I did too.
What you’re doing here is taking back your power. Based on past experience, you’re thinking about the different scenarios, twists, and turns the conversation could take, and you’re preparing to handle them with grace and dignity.
You’re attempting to maximize the possibility of a drama-free discussion, which is a respectable goal. This is not about your mother; it’s about you. You’re going to take back your power and run this show. Focus on what you want that to look like and use the tools available. These tools include limiting your expectations, setting personal boundaries, and knowing and controlling your emotional triggers.
You need to be comfortable setting your expectations and boundaries for this conversation. Don’t try this until you’ve done the work regarding expectations and boundaries.
You need to be aware of your emotional triggers and have a plan for what you’ll do if you get triggered. The last thing you want to do is lose control of your emotions. Remember—your emotional outburst is her narcissistic supply. If you lose control of yourself, that will be a reward for her. Do not reward her. The whole idea here is to deny her any narcissistic supply so that you can have a drama-free conversation.
At first, you might feel anxious about setting the “rules of engagement” for your talk. With practice, it becomes more comfortable each time, and you’ll want to continue doing it because it works.
Here’s a general outline for preparing for a conversation with your narcissistic mother. I developed this strategy and tweaked it over the years, and I’ve had great success with it:
Set the date. Choose a day and time when you’re likely to feel confident and centered. The more you practice mindfulness, becoming aware of your moods, triggers, cycles, etc., the more self-aware you’ll become.
Set start and end times for the conversation. Be prepared to stick to the time frame.
Limit the length of contact and keep it brief. Estimate how much time this conversation would typically take with someone other than your mom and aim for that amount.
Set ground rules (boundaries) around how you’d like the conversation to flow.
Notify your mother (or not). If her schedule fluctuates or you’re meeting at a designated spot, you’ll need her cooperation to schedule a get-together. If you interact with her regularly, you won’t need to set a formal date unless you feel strongly that you should. (Personally, I wouldn’t give any indication that something different or unexpected is about to happen.)
Be ready to end the conversation early. It’s OK if that happens.
Every interaction with a narcissist has a cost. Know and accept what that cost will probably be for you.
Before you meet:
Strategize: know what you want to talk about and the points you want to make. Have your facts ready.
Examine and understand your expectations for this discussion and revise them where necessary. I’ve heard expectations defined as “premeditated resentments.” Try not to have expectations. If you don’t expect a particular outcome, you can’t be disappointed.
Set personal boundaries regarding the behaviors you will and will not accept from your mother. Have a plan for how you’ll respond if she exhibits unacceptable behaviors.
Know what activates your emotional triggers. Have a planned response for when your mother starts pushing those buttons so you’re not caught off guard and succumb to the attack.
Practice the conversation alone or with a trusted family member or friend, but practice!
The day of:
Understand your topic of conversation and why you chose it. Review your expectations and your boundaries again.
Review your triggers and what you’ll do if you get triggered.
Take a deep breath, meditate, or do whatever makes you feel grounded.
Visualize the conversation going the way you want it to. Envision your personal power as an interior ball of energy. Imagine a control panel to vary the level of power and crank it up until it’s radiating brightly, enveloping you. Keep this image with you throughout your meeting.
Go over the ground rules (boundaries) with her. Do this calmly, respectfully, and firmly whether it’s the first time or the hundredth. Your mother needs to be aware of the requirements necessary for the conversation to continue. She needs to know that if she doesn’t adhere to them, the discussion will end immediately when the boundary is broken. She doesn’t need to agree with this. This is your boundary, and it’s for you, not her. For example, to state your boundary and the consequence for breaking it, you can say something like: “I know in the past when we’ve disagreed, it ended badly. I don’t want that to happen again. It’s important to me that we listen to and hear each other and respect each other’s feelings, so if we can’t maintain a calm and respectful tone, I will leave.” This is not a threat; it is a boundary that you have set to keep yourself safe. A boundary is a form of personal power, something you do for yourself in response to someone’s inappropriate behavior. A boundary allows choices, including the choice to break the boundary and experience the consequences, whereas a threat takes away choices. A threat is a form of manipulation with the intent to control.
Now, this is really important: if you say you will leave when the boundary is broken, then you absolutely have to leave. Don’t argue back. Don’t defend yourself. Don’t explain. When that boundary of calm and respect has been broken, you just get up and go. There is no explanation necessary because you already gave it before the conversation started.
It’s important to honor your boundaries; otherwise, you’re teaching your mother that you’re “all talk but no action.” It hurts the first time you enforce a boundary. It hurts the next time too. But here’s my point: if you’re consistent, your mother will learn that she can’t treat you poorly anymore. Whether she likes it or not, she’ll learn that she must honor your boundaries if she wants to have any interaction with you at all.
Training your mother to behave differently when she’s with you will take time and repetition. There’s nothing more frustrating to her than pushing your buttons and getting no response, getting no supply from you. It’s not going to happen on the first attempt. To make her understand that you’re serious, you’ll need to enforce your boundaries repeatedly. Keep in mind that she’s not becoming empathetic, more understanding, or more emotionally attached to you. No, those are complex changes that she’s not capable of making. What’s actually happening is much more straightforward: she’s learning that her source of supply (you) goes away when she does x, y, or z.
During the conversation:
Be direct. Speak assertively.
Make factual statements. Do not explain your feelings or your choices. Explaining yourself only serves to feed your mother’s ego and give her more attention and supply.
Do not defend or justify. Do not provide any supply. Use the gray rock method if you know it.
Maintain your boundaries.
Stay in your power. Remember, you will act with dignity and grace in your personal power. It does not matter how she chooses to act.
Don’t forget; that your mother has a right to her own thoughts and perceptions of you. This isn’t about trying to get her to see you or accept you. That’s not going to happen. This is about sharing information and feelings authentically.
Having a conversation with a narcissistic mother feels like a game of emotional tug-of-war. But when you drop your end of the rope, the game stops. It can’t continue unless you pick up your end and start pulling again. So, no more games. You don’t have to explain that you’re no longer playing or why. Your actions speak loud and clear: when you drop the rope, you’re demonstrating that she no longer has control over you.
If you haven’t tried this, I can tell you from experience that it’s very empowering.
After the conversation:
Take some quiet time alone to review how it went and how you feel. Journal about the conversation’s pros and cons. Talk about how it went well and how it didn’t. Write about what you’ll need to do differently the next time you get together. Write it out, review it, and use it the next time you spend time with your mother. Doing these will build the consistency that it takes. Each time you interact, you’ll make those little tweaks and changes, and eventually, you’ll have a solid way of conversing with your mom that works for you.
Now, go do something wonderful for your self-care.
Could you be feeling the effects of Narcissism Awareness Grief? Download thefree chapter to find out:
Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.
Private Facebook group included for members only.
Join the Waitlist!
When someone’s vibe feels “icky,” or they have “unusual”personality quirks, would you know if they are genuine warning signs or if you could be in danger?
Coming Fall/Winter 2023
Icks, Personality Quirks, or Warning Signs? How to Know the Difference, by Diane Metcalf
Sign up for exclusive access to free chapters, progress, contests, and launch team, and be notified when it’s available!
Have you been caught off guard by toxic individuals? Want to enhance your ability to spot warning signs and protect yourself from emotional mistreatment and abuse? Look no further!
This upcoming book delves deep into the complexities of human behavior, guiding you through the maze of narcissists, psychopaths, manipulators, liars, and self-absorbed individuals. Learn the crucial skills to differentiate between harmless eccentricities and genuine red flags.
Feel empowered to rescue, protect and heal yourself from their mistreatment or abuse
I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self, Workbook and Journal, by Diane Metcalf
Experience the power of self-affirmation: using positive statements to improve well-being and performance. Learn research-based steps to write the most effective affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things.
Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism, by Diane Metcalf
For as long as I can remember, there was something “different” about my mother. She wasn’t like other mothers.
My mom didn’t hug or kiss, smile at, spend time with, or play with me. She never seemed happy to see me. She didn’t ask about my school day and wasn’t interested in knowing my friends. She seemed to have no interest in me or anything that I did. My mom called me hurtful names and obscenities, and at times, she ignored me, not speaking to me for days, weeks, or even months. When she felt sad I was expected to emotionally care-take her. When she didn’t feel like parenting, I was responsible for my siblings. When she lost her temper she hit. When I was disobedient, there were bizarre punishments.
I was not allowed to express feelings, ask questions, or show initiative or curiosity. My feelings were discounted, minimized, or invalidated. She re-wrote my memories, and I was expected to believe her version. I was to obey, stay quiet, and not question.
If any of this sounds familiar, you are not alone. If there is manipulation, power struggles, or cruelty in your relationship, this book can help. If you second-guess your memory, doubt your judgment or sanity, or continually seek your mother’s withheld affection, attention, approval, or love, this book can explain why.
Get the TOOLBOX posts twice monthly in your inbox!
About the Author
Drawing from her personal experiences of growing up in a dysfunctional household, Diane Metcalf has developed effective coping and healing strategies. With the assistance of professional therapists and mindful personal growth, she has honed her skills and now happily shares them with others who are interested in learning and growing.
As an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer, Diane is well-versed in topics such as narcissism, family dysfunction, abuse, and recognizing warning signs. Her extensive knowledge is drawn not only from her personal experiences, but also from her work in human service fields, including domestic violence, partner abuse, and court advocacy. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.
Diane’s transformational books on healing and personal growth, such as the highly acclaimed “Lemon Moms” series, offer emotional support and guidance in understanding narcissistic traits and healing past wounds. Her approach emphasizes self-awareness, intention, self-care, and establishing healthy boundaries as essential components in the healing process.
Learn more about the Lemon Moms series: Lemon Moms
Have you ever witnessed someone’s narcissistic rage? Speaking from experience, I’m guessing that it’s something you will not easily forget.
In my book Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism, I talk about the fact that narcissists are opinionated, argumentative, and defensive, and have no problem confronting, criticizing, shaming, or mocking anyone who challenges or disagrees with them.
You see, narcissists don’t entertain differences of opinion or perspectives. Instead, they gain (or re-gain) control of a conversation or a situation by gaslighting, humiliating, insulting, and discrediting others, or by having a type of emotional meltdown known as a narcissistic rage. Narcissistic rages happen when we do anything that causes a narcissistic injury or wound; anything perceived as a threat to their self-importance, dominance, or ‘false face.’
Narcissistic anger is similar to an adult temper tantrum, except that it can be dangerous for us to witness, or worse, become the target. These highly emotional episodes are meant to unbalance, scare, intimidate and unnerve us. They are used as threatening displays of power and control. They consist of unexpected and uncontrollable outrage triggered by some type of narcissistic injury or wounding. For example, if a narcissist’s self-esteem or self-worth has been hurt, rage will probably ensue.
When a narcissist is caught up in this type of outburst, they are unreasonable and unforgiving. Their main objective at this point is to hurt and take revenge. They want to seriously punish the “offender,” even if it means losing a relationship or irrevocably damaging one. They want to “win” at any cost. They won’t feel regret, remorse, or any need to apologize for their volatile, hurtful, damaging, embarrassing, and attention-seeking eruption. (See How to Recognize a Narcissist.)
Narcissistic rages are fear-based and can persist even after the perceived threat is gone. Often, these rages are not warranted, and a narcissist will hang onto the memory of our perceived transgression for weeks and months at a time. They will continue exacting revenge and punishing. When are they done? When they decide to be done. Those on the narcissism spectrum can be champion grudge holders. Holding grudges vindicates their hurtful behavior. Grudges give them a reason to feel victimized. A narcissist will bring up your “wrongdoings” as frequently as they can while playing the injured “poor me” to get sympathy and narcissistic supply. The message is that they didn’t hurt you. YOU hurt them!
Let’s Pretend: Navigating Reality In A Relationship With A Narcissist
“Slamming and banging” is a type of narcissistic rage and a scenario I regularly experienced while growing up. When my mother was angry, she wouldn’t (couldn’t?) express her feelings. Instead, she would slam and bang things—usually cupboard doors, pots, pans, shoes, car doors, and room doors, but really it could be any object within reach. This was how she demonstrated feelings of annoyance, disappointment, irritation, or frustration. She didn’t use words to express these feelings, and on the rare occasion that she did, they were shouted, hurtful, and inappropriate.
When I was a child, too naive to appreciate the danger of doing so, I asked, “Is something wrong, Mommy?” and she routinely and furiously shouted “No!” -a confusing mixed message. Clearly, something was very wrong, and even a child could see it. If I worriedly kept pressing, (wanting her to re-gain emotional control, and wanting to feel safe myself,) I paid the price by being shouted at, called hurtful names, humiliated, shamed, or punished. It was not good to ask questions during the rages, even as an act of kindness or concern. Her rages were some of the most traumatizing events of my childhood
As I matured, my question changed from “Is something wrong?” to “What is wrong?” I’d slowly become aware that something was very amiss at home, and I refused to continue playing “let’s pretend” everything’s fine. I could clearly see that something was upsetting her, and I called it out. Of course, the results were the same as before. Here’s the thing: when you live with a dysfunctional person, you understand that “reality” is never “real” because everyone involved is playing a form of “let’s pretend.” You play let’s pretend to keep them calm, and so that you can feel safe. But everyone involved is pretending something different.
Passive Aggressive Rage
Sometimes narcissistic rages don’t actually look like rages. These are the passive-aggressive kinds of rage, meaning that they feel aggressive even though they appear docile. They involve sulking, giving backhanded compliments, procrastinating, making sarcastic remarks, withdrawing, sabotaging and undermining, and even include “the silent treatment.” These passive-aggressive behaviors are subtle and discreet, but they’re narcissistic rages nonetheless. My narcissist vacillated between loud, intimidating, furious outbursts and using passive aggression. At times she shouted; hurling obscenities so loudly and fiercely that she turned purple, her eyes bulged, and spittle flew. It was terrifying to see her like that, not only because she looked horrifically ugly, but because she was emotionally out of control. It’s scary and traumatizing to witness the parent you depend on losing self-control. At times like these, I never knew what to expect, so I was on high alert and prepared for pretty much anything; I might be backhanded across the face or hauled into a bedroom and left, or ignored for hours. I might be called names that shredded my developing self-worth and crushed my spirit. I might be struck with an object, deprived of meals or activities, or threatened with having bones broken, or being murdered or abandoned. Or she could simply and completely withdraw from my life, not speaking to me for as long as she felt necessary. When she was passive-aggressive she often made sarcastic, hurtful comments in a sweet, caring, and kind voice. Talk about crazy-making environments!
When Words Fail: The Connection Between Narcissistic Rages And Non-Verbal Expressions Of Anger
More than four decades after their divorce, my mother routinely called the Social Security Administration to confirm that her ex-husband, my father, was still alive. She was motivated by a firm determination to receive survivor benefits when he passed.
One morning, she made the usual call and discovered that my father had passed six months prior. She called me at work to tell me that my father was dead, and she was livid that no one had contacted her. She was outraged that she’d missed out on several months of financial benefits and was extremely distraught. She wanted me to come to her home when my workday was finished.
When I got there, she wanted me to drive her to the post office. She’d written a letter to my father’s widow, his wife of more than forty years, and intended to send it by certified mail. She knew their address because she’d stalked them for years. When I warily asked about the letter’s contents, I learned that it was a hurtful, scathing chastisement for not personally informing my mother, or his children, of my father’s death.
I didn’t take her to the post office, and I don’t know if the letter was ever sent.
Narcissistic rages have nothing to do with you. Narcissism is a mental illness caused by events on which you had no influence.
So, what caused this tumultuous disturbance? This day-long narcissistic rage was triggered by the enormous sense of injustice and entitlement that my mother felt. She had been “wronged”; she had been slighted. She had been overlooked as the first wife. She had been temporarily denied her rightful financial due. All of those were narcissistic injuries.
Within hours, she busily began informing family, friends, and neighbors that she’d become a “widow,” readily accepting condolences and sympathy. The rage had passed; she was a victim again.
Narcissistic injuries that may trigger rage in a narcissist:
Someone criticized them.
They were not the center of attention.
They were embarrassed.
They were confronted.
Someone pointed out a character flaw.
Someone noticed that they’d made an error.
They were caught lying, cheating, stealing, or breaking a rule of acceptable behavior.
They felt like they were losing control.
Their authority was challenged or threatened.
Someone made a decision without their input.
Someone took the initiative without their permission.
Someone was appreciated (or more highly regarded) than they.
Someone didn’t take their advice.
They were asked to be accountable for their actions.
They did not get the special treatment they thought they deserved.
They were reminded of their inadequacy.
They were shamed.
The Consequences of Rage
It’s interesting to know that narcissists may pay a heavy price for their rages.
In “Understanding Narcissism’s Destructive Impact on Relationships,” Preston Ni (2018), talks about the consequences a narcissist may suffer as a result of ongoing, vindictive, narcissistic anger. Some of these include:
Family Estrangement: Research shows that narcissistic rages hurt family relationships.
Lost romantic relationships and divorce: Research shows that rages hurt romantic relationships and marriages.
Isolation: Narcissists use people for personal gain. Eventually, acquaintances, family, and friends recognize this and distance themselves or go “no contact.”
Loneliness: Narcissists have few healthy or lasting relationships.
Missed Opportunities: Because of the lack of personal connection, opportunities may disappear or don’t appear in the first place.
Legal, Financial, or Career issues: Rule-breaking, irresponsibility, and carelessness are found to have legal and financial repercussions.
Damaged Reputation: A lack of personal or professional integrity, trustworthiness, or dependability can negatively impact others’ perceptions.
How to Handle a Narcissistic Rage
There are several actions you can take beforehand to protect yourself from a narcissist’s rage:
Understand that narcissistic rage has nothing to do with you. Narcissism is a mental illness and a spectrum disorder caused by events that you did not influence. You didn’t cause the narcissism, you can’t control it, and you can’t cure it. You can ONLY control how you respond to it.
Could you be feeling the effects of Narcissism Awareness Grief? Download thefree chapter to find out:
Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.
Private Facebook group included for members only.
Join the Waitlist!
When someone’s vibe feels “icky,” or they have “unusual”personality quirks, would you know if they are genuine warning signs or if you could be in danger?
Coming Fall/Winter 2023
Icks, Personality Quirks, or Warning Signs? How to Know the Difference, by Diane Metcalf
Sign up for exclusive access to free chapters, progress, contests, and launch team, and be notified when it’s available!
Have you been caught off guard by toxic individuals? Want to enhance your ability to spot warning signs and protect yourself from emotional mistreatment and abuse? Look no further!
This upcoming book delves deep into the complexities of human behavior, guiding you through the maze of narcissists, psychopaths, manipulators, liars, and self-absorbed individuals. Learn the crucial skills to differentiate between harmless eccentricities and genuine red flags.
Feel empowered to rescue, protect and heal yourself from their mistreatment or abuse
I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self, Workbook and Journal, by Diane Metcalf
Experience the power of self-affirmation: using positive statements to improve well-being and performance. Learn research-based steps to write the most effective affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things.
Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism, by Diane Metcalf
For as long as I can remember, there was something “different” about my mother. She wasn’t like other mothers.
My mom didn’t hug or kiss, smile at, spend time with, or play with me. She never seemed happy to see me. She didn’t ask about my school day and wasn’t interested in knowing my friends. She seemed to have no interest in me or anything that I did. My mom called me hurtful names and obscenities, and at times, she ignored me, not speaking to me for days, weeks, or even months. When she felt sad I was expected to emotionally care-take her. When she didn’t feel like parenting, I was responsible for my siblings. When she lost her temper she hit. When I was disobedient, there were bizarre punishments.
I was not allowed to express feelings, ask questions, or show initiative or curiosity. My feelings were discounted, minimized, or invalidated. She re-wrote my memories, and I was expected to believe her version. I was to obey, stay quiet, and not question.
If any of this sounds familiar, you are not alone. If there is manipulation, power struggles, or cruelty in your relationship, this book can help. If you second-guess your memory, doubt your judgment or sanity, or continually seek your mother’s withheld affection, attention, approval, or love, this book can explain why.
Get the TOOLBOX posts twice monthly in your inbox!
About the Author
Drawing from her personal experiences of growing up in a dysfunctional household, Diane Metcalf has developed effective coping and healing strategies. With the assistance of professional therapists and mindful personal growth, she has honed her skills and now happily shares them with others who are interested in learning and growing.
As an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer, Diane is well-versed in topics such as narcissism, family dysfunction, abuse, and recognizing warning signs. Her extensive knowledge is drawn not only from her personal experiences, but also from her work in human service fields, including domestic violence, partner abuse, and court advocacy. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.
Diane’s transformational books on healing and personal growth, such as the highly acclaimed “Lemon Moms” series, offer emotional support and guidance in understanding narcissistic traits and healing past wounds. Her approach emphasizes self-awareness, intention, self-care, and establishing healthy boundaries as essential components in the healing process.
Learn more about the Lemon Moms series: Lemon Moms
When it comes to healing from any kind of abuse, or mistreatment, The Toolbox recognizes the importance of identifying unhelpful thoughts and behaviors, and then replacing them with healthy ones. The writing here also stresses empowerment: by setting personal boundaries, finding our authentic selves, speaking our truths, nurturing our inner children, and by affirming and validating ourselves. Here, the connection is made clear between gaslighting, codependency, trauma bonds, C-PTSD, attachment styles, and our future health, well-being, and relationships.
Identifying those individuals who would interrupt, reverse, or stall our healing process is a necessary part of that ongoing recovery journey.
Identifying toxic people is an essential step in healing from any kind of abuse or mistreatment
As you begin recovering from the effects of gaslighting, codependency, cognitive dissonance, trauma bonding, betrayal, or C-PTSD, your self-care organically becomes more important. As part of your everyday self-care, it’s crucial to know how to recognize toxic or dangerous individuals (and limit your exposure to them by using boundaries.) This is an ongoing way to take care of and protect yourself from further trauma or victimization.
The WEB Method is a “quick and easy way to identify potentially dangerous people.” WEB stands for words, emotions, and behavior. The methodwas developed by a licensed social worker, Bill Eddy. According to Eddy, there are three things to examine to find out if there’s a chance someone may be unsafe:
The WEB method requires you topay attention to:
the WORDS the individual uses
YOUR emotions (How do you feel when around this person: On high alert? Unsafe? Unsure? Hesitant? Confused? Embarrassed? Afraid? Etc.)
THEIR behavior (How do they act: Arrogant? Blaming? Shaming? Critical? Cruel? Lacking empathy? Unstable? Risk-taking? Etc.) (Eddy 2018).
“Paying attention to their words” means:
Noticing if they use either extremely positive or extremely negative words to describe you or others. This indicates black and white thinking, a trait of narcissists, and those who have personality disorders, including psychopaths.
Looking for words that indicate a lack of emotional empathy or lack of interest or disregard for others. Again, narcissistic traits, as well as those with borderline personality disorder, sociopaths, and psychopaths.
Spotting words that indicate that they see themselves as a victim or that they think they’ve been duped, targeted, or wounded. These are traits of narcissists as well as individuals who blame, make excuses, shirk responsibility, harbor resentment, and use negative self-talk.
You’ve made a lot of progress and come too far to let yourself get involved with a shaming, blaming, “poor me.”
Notice if they virtue signal. Virtue signaling is the not-so-humble declaration of one’s morals and values. “I’m generous,” “I’m extremely open-minded,” “I’m a good person.” These could be examples of words not matching actions. When someone wants others to believe what they say about themselves, it’s a type of gaslighting. Most of us don’t need to talk about or convince others of our good qualities. When a person possesses admirable character and integrity, they don’t need to announce or advertise it. They simply live it, and people notice.
“Paying attention to your emotions” means checking in with your feelings:
How do you feel when you’re around this person? Confused? Emotionally Drained? Hurt? Defeated? Exhausted? Misunderstood? Stupid? Inadequate? Bullied? Sick? Mocked? Belittled? Humiliated? Why do you think you feel this way? What is your body trying to tell you?
Do they seem too good to be true? “Charm” is considered to be a warning sign. People who intensely or endlessly flatter, praise, or compliment are often manipulative. Pouring on the charm may indicate that they’re a deceptive or controlling person. Keep monitoring.
Do you feel like you can’t catch your breath or you can’t think straight when you’re around them? Psychopaths, sociopaths, borderlines, and narcissists can overwhelm others with their posturing and self-directed focus. They dominate conversations, don’t allow differences of opinion, and keep the focus on themselves. Conversations often feel like debates, and it’s usually hard to change the subject, or disengage, because they simply won’t’ allow it. When you’re in a discussion with a narcissist, you’ll feel unheard, misunderstood, or dismissed, and you’ll likely be mocked, or ridiculed if you challenge or disagree with them.
“Paying attention to their behavior” means you need to:
Focus on their actions. Dangerous, toxic, and mentally ill people including narcissists are often defensive and will verbally or even physically attack those who criticize or appear to challenge them. Notice how they treat others. Do they humiliate or shame others? Do they embarrass you or cause you to want to apologize for their behavior?
Notice their dismissal, disregard, or indifference of yourself or others. Do they interrupt you? Talk over you? Scorn, laugh at, or minimize your point of view? Is the message that what they say or do is more important than anybody else? These indicate an ego-centered worldview. Not good.
Notice if they blame others for their own mistakes or poor choices. Narcissists and “poor-me’s” are famous for being big blamers. They shirk responsibility and don’t learn from their mistakes. Nothing is ever their fault. They don’t make mistakes!
Notice if they encourage others to admire them. Do they seek attention, compliments, praise, or admiration? These are all forms of narcissistic supply, indicating that you may have a narcissist on your hands.
Could you be feeling the effects of Narcissism Awareness Grief? Download thefree chapter to find out:
from Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism
Healing from abuse, betrayal or mistreatment is a complex, energy-consuming, and often painful undertaking. It requires commitment, patience, and time. It means doing the hard work and taking excellent self-care. Protecting ourselves from those who would hurt, take advantage, manipulate, or interrupt, (reverse, or stall) our progress, is part of that process.
Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.
Private Facebook group included for members only.
Join the Waitlist!
When someone’s vibe feels “icky,” or they have “unusual”personality quirks, would you know if they are genuine warning signs or if you could be in danger?
Coming Fall/Winter 2023
Icks, Personality Quirks, or Warning Signs? How to Know the Difference, by Diane Metcalf
Sign up for exclusive access to free chapters, progress, contests, and launch team, and be notified when it’s available!
Have you been caught off guard by toxic individuals? Want to enhance your ability to spot warning signs and protect yourself from emotional mistreatment and abuse? Look no further!
This upcoming book delves deep into the complexities of human behavior, guiding you through the maze of narcissists, psychopaths, manipulators, liars, and self-absorbed individuals. Learn the crucial skills to differentiate between harmless eccentricities and genuine red flags.
Feel empowered to rescue, protect and heal yourself from their mistreatment or abuse
I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self, Workbook and Journal, by Diane Metcalf
Experience the power of self-affirmation: using positive statements to improve well-being and performance. Learn research-based steps to write the most effective affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things.
Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism, by Diane Metcalf
For as long as I can remember, there was something “different” about my mother. She wasn’t like other mothers.
My mom didn’t hug or kiss, smile at, spend time with, or play with me. She never seemed happy to see me. She didn’t ask about my school day and wasn’t interested in knowing my friends. She seemed to have no interest in me or anything that I did. My mom called me hurtful names and obscenities, and at times, she ignored me, not speaking to me for days, weeks, or even months. When she felt sad I was expected to emotionally care-take her. When she didn’t feel like parenting, I was responsible for my siblings. When she lost her temper she hit. When I was disobedient, there were bizarre punishments.
I was not allowed to express feelings, ask questions, or show initiative or curiosity. My feelings were discounted, minimized, or invalidated. She re-wrote my memories, and I was expected to believe her version. I was to obey, stay quiet, and not question.
If any of this sounds familiar, you are not alone. If there is manipulation, power struggles, or cruelty in your relationship, this book can help. If you second-guess your memory, doubt your judgment or sanity, or continually seek your mother’s withheld affection, attention, approval, or love, this book can explain why.
Get the TOOLBOX posts twice monthly in your inbox!
About the Author
Drawing from her personal experiences of growing up in a dysfunctional household, Diane Metcalf has developed effective coping and healing strategies. With the assistance of professional therapists and mindful personal growth, she has honed her skills and now happily shares them with others who are interested in learning and growing.
As an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer, Diane is well-versed in topics such as narcissism, family dysfunction, abuse, and recognizing warning signs. Her extensive knowledge is drawn not only from her personal experiences, but also from her work in human service fields, including domestic violence, partner abuse, and court advocacy. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.
Diane’s transformational books on healing and personal growth, such as the highly acclaimed “Lemon Moms” series, offer emotional support and guidance in understanding narcissistic traits and healing past wounds. Her approach emphasizes self-awareness, intention, self-care, and establishing healthy boundaries as essential components in the healing process.
Learn more about the Lemon Moms series: Lemon Moms
If your relationship with your mother is typically full of pain and heartache, this article is dedicated to you.
When Mother’s Day Hurts
Every April and May of every year, we are urged by all manner of media to remember our mothers on the second Sunday of May. These pre-Mother’s Day messages often portray sweet, heartwarming, sentimental interactions between mothers and their children. Viewing those ads has always been difficult for me because I have longed for those kinds of interactions with my own mother for my entire life.
Suppose your mother is self-important, seeks admiration, believes she’s superior, lacks empathy, manipulates and uses her children, puts others down to elevate herself, is hypersensitive to criticism, and believes she deserves special treatment. In that case, she may be on the narcissism spectrum, and you will likely experience mixed feelings about Mother’s Day.
Daughters and sons of narcissistic mothers are out there, and they feel alone and misunderstood.
An emotionally healthy mother’s love is a powerful, lifelong theme for most children; her kindness, compassion, validation, and the loving bond that they share. For those of us who don’t have that kind of mom, memories, or relationship, we are keenly aware of those who do. And we wonder why we don’t. Because surely if our mothers can’t love us, it must be our fault. We must be unlovable, right?
American culture views motherhood as a saintly paradigm, promoting that mother love is instinctive, unconditional, and spontaneous; and that all women can love, empathize, and nurture. These myths and inaccuracies are detrimental; they harm unloved children’s spirits, holding them in a state of self-doubt and cognitive dissonance.
When a mother and adult child relationship fails, it’s the adult child who’s usually held responsible. These kinds of cultural perspectives can keep an unloved daughter or son stuck in the place they’ve been since childhood—knowing that something is wrong and blaming themselves. They wonder who will be able to love them if their own mothers can’t.
But mothering is a learned behavior in human beings. A spectrum of maternal behaviors exists, from healthy to toxic. Acknowledging this may be helpful when we think about Mother’s Day.
I used to spend a huge amount of emotional energy just selecting a Mother’s Day card. Today, there is more awareness and sensitivity regarding family dysfunction and the understanding that not all mothers are loving and kind. These days, it’s easier to find a more realistic card sentiment. But years ago, it was extremely difficult to find a card that didn’t boldly announce “Happy Mother’s Day to the Greatest Mother in the World!” or “I’m So Blessed That You’re My Mother” All of them gushed with sentiments that I didn’t feel, and all of them felt like lies. While I dealt with that, others dealt with decisions like: “Should I even send a card?” “Should I call?” “Should I see her?” “Should I ignore the day?” “What should I do?”
The thing is, if we’re still attempting to please and appease our narcissistic moms, we’re in a no-win situation. Whatever we do will not be good enough because it never has. Like others in this situation, every year I went through emotional pain and turmoil: on Mother’s Day, I was forced to face the stark and demoralizing humiliation of our one-sided relationship for the entire day. I was actually a mother myself, yet I was focused on making this day all about MY mother. I wasn’t able to enjoy what the day meant for me as a mother. I missed out on feeling connected with my kids and letting them focus on me, celebrating me. Instead, I expected them to focus on her too. The entire day was about my mother and making her happy. But of course, she never was. She spent the day criticizing the weather, the restaurant, the food, her gifts, and other people. For decades this continued and I didn’t see it because I was supremely codependent, unaware, and unhealed. Eventually, I awakened and realized that something needed to change. I finally accepted that she wasn’t going to change. I needed to change.
Experts say that with a narcissistic mother, you have two choices: live on her terms (focusing on her, chasing after her withheld love, acceptance, and affection) or go “no contact.” This feels like black and white (all or none) thinking to me, and I’ve never been a big fan. I prefer to see all the shades of gray. So I created a third option for myself: I identified my cognitive dissonance and C-PTSD symptoms and prioritized healing them with various forms of therapy. I refused to be gaslighted, I set enforceable boundaries and started trusting my mind and my memories. I no longer focused on what she did, said, wanted, or expected, and as a result, I no longer felt humiliated, unloved, invalidated, and rejected. Our relationship was finally on my terms.
Confusion and Cognitive Dissonance
As children, if our need for love and connection to our mothers was not met, we simply blamed ourselves. And then we began forming beliefs that we are not good enough and that we don’t matter.
If you are an empathetic person, you are naturally sensitive to others’ emotional needs. Trying to understand that narcissists don’t have the ability to feel empathy is difficult to understand or believe. As children of narcissists, we keep returning to that parent, again and again, hoping and wishing that it will be different this time. We focus on gaining approval, validation, acceptance, and love. We jump through any hoop offered. When nothing changes, it triggers more pain and confusion and a continuation of the “I’m not-good-enough’s” and “I-don’t-matter’s.”
Then we grew up, and we may have started to realize that the problem is notus! There is nothing—and there never was—anything inherently wrong with us, as we may have been led to believe.
You do not need a formal diagnosis to determine that your relationship is unhealthy. If it is, you can do something about it.
There’s a Name For It
“Narcissism Awareness Grief” (NAG) is a condition coined by Dr. Christine Hammond, a Licensed Mental Health Counselor. She teaches that the loss of a mother’s love, warmth, interest, and connection is a momentous loss that must be consciously grieved.
Narcissism Awareness Grief acknowledges that our mothers’ narcissistic traits have negatively impacted us. When we begin to come to terms with how they have impacted us, we can break through the denial and start working through six stages of grief, to finally arrive at the final phase of Acceptance. When you fully understand and accept that you cannot change or control your mother’s perception of you, the ball is truly in your court. It’s from the point of Acceptance that your life can and will change. Remember, acceptance does not mean liking or agreeing. You can accept that your mother has narcissistic traits, but you don’t have to like it. Accepting and liking are two separate things.
I remember very well what it was like to experience Narcissism Awareness Grief. As I slowly became aware of how my mother’s narcissistic traits affected me, I felt a mixture of denial, disbelief, and a sense of overwhelming sadness. You see, when we discover that the dysfunction and trauma we experienced as children has an actual name, there’s an initial rush of validation. We suddenly realize that we’re not alone, that we’re not crazy, and that we haven’t imagined it. Narcissistic mistreatment, trauma, and abuse are real things, and we can recover from them.
Self-care
What can we adult children of maternal narcissists do to feel better on Mother’s Day?
Like most days, you can make the day into whatever you want. Here are a few suggestions that can help:
Question the card. Search for a generic Mother’s Day card if you want to send a card at all. Giving a card that says “Best Mom in the World” is an act of denial. The first step to healing is admitting how you feel about your relationship. NO MORE DENIAL. It takes courage not to buy that lying card. If you want to give a card, find one, or make one that better acknowledges how you feel.
Eliminate expectations. You can’t be disappointed if you don’t expect anything to be different this year. Learn to drop expectations.
Make new traditions. Do the day differently. Celebrate yourself! Do something you enjoy, whether solo or with a friend. Focus on self-care.
Feel and express your feelings. Give yourself permission to feel and express whatever you’re feeling. Give yourself space to cry, be angry, feel unloved, or grieve. Acknowledge that you have reason to feel these feelings, and validate your childhood memories. Write it all in a journal to get it out of your system in a healthy way.
Shift the focus. Practice gratitude, speak healing affirmations, or do something nice for someone else.
Make an appointment. If Mother’s Day annually triggers anxiety or depression, give yourself the gift of scheduled time with a professional to start the healing process.
Seek support. Find support groups in your area or online. Talking with others who understand narcissism dynamics can help in your healing journey. And as always, don’t try to explain it to those who don’t. Others who don’t understand narcissism may unknowingly invalidate you, causing further pain or trauma.
Express gratitude to the mothers you know who are loving and kind. Honor other women who have given you motherly love, perhaps a grandmother, aunt, or friend.
If you are a mother, work to end the legacy of one-sided love. Acknowledge and be grateful for your ability to love.
Start working on a recovery program, so you don’t pass the legacy down to your children. If you are already working on healing, good for you! Do the work!
On Mother’s Day, let’s all honor the mothers who have given their children the gifts of love and nurturing. Let’s applaud the mothers who are working on a program to change the family legacy of narcissistic mistreatment or abuse. And at the same time, let’s acknowledge the truths of the daughters and sons of mothers who cannot show love to their children.
You’re all in my thoughts,
Diane
Could you be feeling the effects of Narcissism Awareness Grief? Download thefree chapter to find out:
Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.
Private Facebook group included for members only.
Join the Waitlist!
When someone’s vibe feels “icky,” or they have “unusual”personality quirks, would you know if they are genuine warning signs or if you could be in danger?
Coming Fall/Winter 2023
Icks, Personality Quirks, or Warning Signs? How to Know the Difference, by Diane Metcalf
Sign up for exclusive access to free chapters, progress, contests, and launch team, and be notified when it’s available!
Have you been caught off guard by toxic individuals? Want to enhance your ability to spot warning signs and protect yourself from emotional mistreatment and abuse? Look no further!
This upcoming book delves deep into the complexities of human behavior, guiding you through the maze of narcissists, psychopaths, manipulators, liars, and self-absorbed individuals. Learn the crucial skills to differentiate between harmless eccentricities and genuine red flags.
Feel empowered to rescue, protect and heal yourself from their mistreatment or abuse
I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self, Workbook and Journal, by Diane Metcalf
Experience the power of self-affirmation: using positive statements to improve well-being and performance. Learn research-based steps to write the most effective affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things.
Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism, by Diane Metcalf
For as long as I can remember, there was something “different” about my mother. She wasn’t like other mothers.
My mom didn’t hug or kiss, smile at, spend time with, or play with me. She never seemed happy to see me. She didn’t ask about my school day and wasn’t interested in knowing my friends. She seemed to have no interest in me or anything that I did. My mom called me hurtful names and obscenities, and at times, she ignored me, not speaking to me for days, weeks, or even months. When she felt sad I was expected to emotionally care-take her. When she didn’t feel like parenting, I was responsible for my siblings. When she lost her temper she hit. When I was disobedient, there were bizarre punishments.
I was not allowed to express feelings, ask questions, or show initiative or curiosity. My feelings were discounted, minimized, or invalidated. She re-wrote my memories, and I was expected to believe her version. I was to obey, stay quiet, and not question.
If any of this sounds familiar, you are not alone. If there is manipulation, power struggles, or cruelty in your relationship, this book can help. If you second-guess your memory, doubt your judgment or sanity, or continually seek your mother’s withheld affection, attention, approval, or love, this book can explain why.
Get the TOOLBOX posts twice monthly in your inbox!
About the Author
Drawing from her personal experiences of growing up in a dysfunctional household, Diane Metcalf has developed effective coping and healing strategies. With the assistance of professional therapists and mindful personal growth, she has honed her skills and now happily shares them with others who are interested in learning and growing.
As an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer, Diane is well-versed in topics such as narcissism, family dysfunction, abuse, and recognizing warning signs. Her extensive knowledge is drawn not only from her personal experiences, but also from her work in human service fields, including domestic violence, partner abuse, and court advocacy. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.
Diane’s transformational books on healing and personal growth, such as the highly acclaimed “Lemon Moms” series, offer emotional support and guidance in understanding narcissistic traits and healing past wounds. Her approach emphasizes self-awareness, intention, self-care, and establishing healthy boundaries as essential components in the healing process.
Learn more about the Lemon Moms series: Lemon Moms
Living in a narcissistic relationship means that we’ve probably felt ongoing confusion. We can’t continually live in a state of confusion, and not knowing what to believe, or what to expect is overwhelming and harmful. Our natural state of “being” requires that our thoughts and interactions make sense because we need stability and security to be emotionally healthy and balanced. When we feel doubtful of our reality, or are so fearful of making a decision, that we’re emotionally paralyzed, it may be the result of cognitive dissonance.
Cognitive dissonance is a type of mental stress that results from struggling to correct that “surreal-feeling” gap between what we know to be real because we’ve experienced it with our senses and what we are told to believe is real. It is the crazy-making component of gaslighting and the biggest cause of C-PTSD.
When you’re emotionally in the middle of dealing with continual conflicting beliefs, memories, thoughts, ideas, or values, you’re experiencing the confusion and mental discomfort known as cognitive dissonance. Cognitive dissonance indicates a state of existing in a set of continually opposing or conflicting viewpoints, beliefs, or behaviors. It’s the result of manipulation, specifically of gaslighting. To restore their emotional balance, the afflicted person must change or remove the inconsistencies or conflicts. This is done on an ongoing basis.
Although it doesn’t sound like it, cognitive dissonance can be healthy. For example, guilt is a positive and healthy form of cognitive dissonance. Guilt allows us to see the discrepancy between “this is who I say I am, but this is what I did.” We feel guilty when “who we are” and “what we did” are not aligned. This misalignment causes us to feel empathy for the person we wronged. For example, if I believe I’m a gentle, kind, and loving person, and I make a cruel remark to someone, my perception of “who I am” no longer matches “what I did.” A gentle, kind, and loving person would not say mean things. I would be motivated by feelings of guilt to apologize to the person I hurt. The cognitive dissonance provided by our guilt drives us to atone for our actions.
Cognitive dissonance has a dark side, and it’s harmful.
When we’re gaslighted regularly, our level of cognitive dissonance grows, and the crazier and more out-of-touch we feel. We’re unsure of what’s real and what’s not, what’s true and what’s not, what to believe or not, and we don’t know whether to believe our senses or only to accept what we’re told.
We all tell ourselves stories. It’s how we make sense of ourselves and the world. Our egos translate our experiences, so they make sense, but doing this when we’re in a state of cognitive dissonance can keep us stuck. To get unstuck, we might choose to accept the best explanation that we can come up with, regardless of its accuracy.
For example, think about the possible explanations for a situation that a six-year-old might create versus a twenty-year-old or a thirty-five-year-old. Youth and immaturity work against us when we’re gaslighted as kids. We’re not experienced or knowledgeable enough to imagine plausible and realistic explanations. At ten, if my best friend doesn’t reach out, I might think it’s because she doesn’t like me anymore. But at thirty, if I haven’t heard from my friend, I might think it’s because she’s preoccupied, tired, not feeling well, etc. I can choose any number of explanations, and they’ll align with my current self-concept. Now, if I formed the belief in childhood that I’m unlovable, and I carried that belief with me into adulthood, my interpretation of others’ behavior will reflect that belief. If I have strong self-esteem, then my interpretation will reflect that. We interpret our reality using these emotional “filters.” It’s important to remember this because our filters can and do change. Our perceptions and interpretations also continually change and develop as we mature physically, intellectually, socially, spiritually, and emotionally.
Remember that “beliefs” are thoughts that have emotions attached to them. Eliminating inaccurate beliefs is a primary key to healing. Pick a childhood belief. What thoughts and feelings are still connected to it? For example: “I’m not smart.” List feelings, thoughts, and actions that come from that belief and write about them at length. Is the belief still relevant today? Why or why not? Explain. Learn about therapeutic approaches like Tapping, Neurolinguistic Programming, or Cognitive Behavioral Therapy to eliminate faulty beliefs and create healthy new ones. Invest time to investigate other methods for changing beliefs. We acquired our beliefs as children. We get to replace them with ones that serve us as adults.
Cognitive dissonance is one of the most challenging aspects of healing.
Because of gaslighting, we’ve learned to disregard or mistrust our perceptions, judgment, and memory. We may have learned to trust and accept our mother’s interpretation of the world and events, and we may now rely on her interpretations, judgment, and perceptions instead of our own.
When you were gaslighted by your mother as a child, you probably received unexpected or inappropriate responses from her. Your response to her gaslighting may have been determined to be incorrect, unreasonable, or shameful. You may have wondered why your mother gave you strange looks that caused you to question your actions and words. Now, as an adult, you may be fearful for your mental health, and you’re concerned that you may be losing your mind. You accept that you’re the illogical one or that you’re mentally ill. You’re confused by things she says and does, but your observations can’t be validated because you’re often the only witness or the only one who finds her behavior strange.
Gaslighting often leads to depression, anxiety, helplessness, hopelessness, or exhaustion. If it’s severe, you may feel like your sense of self is “fuzzy” and “reality” feels dreamlike. You probably can’t think clearly and have trouble with problem-solving and making decisions. This is cognitive dissonance.
I’d often get confused, stressed, and frustrated when my mother denied doing or saying something I’d witnessed. I’d ask, “You’re saying that I didn’t see what I know I just saw?” And she’d reply in an exasperated or dismayed tone of voice, “You dreamt it,” “You imagined it,” or “So-and-so did that, not me.” It shouldn’t surprise you that I grew up to continue that tradition. I excelled at self-gaslighting. When you convince yourself that you didn’t just hear what you know you heard or that you didn’t just see what you know you saw….you are self-gaslighting. We do it to protect ourselves from further trauma.
Self-gaslighting
Self-gaslighting also contributes to cognitive dissonance. When we tell ourselves that someone’s actions or behavior were our fault, we’re self-gaslighting. We may convince ourselves that we somehow provoked their hurtful behavior, or we take responsibility for the things they did to hurt us. When we self-gaslight, we not only accept blame, we intentionally place it on ourselves. We lie to ourselves and then spend precious emotional energy convincing ourselves that we’re not. It’s exhausting. Throughout your healing process, remind yourself not to do that anymore. Be honest with yourself now. Stand up for yourself and become your own advocate. If you won’t, then who will? Tell yourself the truth and stop accepting gaslighting from anybody, including yourself, period. Practice mindfulness to become aware that you’re doing it and stop every time.
Humans have a natural need for their attitudes, beliefs, and behaviors to co-exist peacefully with each other. This is known as “cognitive consistency.” Living in a state of cognitive consistency means that we feel stable, relaxed, and secure. For example, if I believe I’m an honest person, and I act accordingly, it means I’ll tell the truth even when it’s uncomfortable, or it gets me into trouble. Doing so means I’ll maintain my integrity and my cognitive consistency.
For those of us who’ve experienced gaslighting as children, it likely caused harmful cognitive dissonance and reduced us to confused, uncertain, dependent shadows of our true selves. It robbed us of our ability to think logically, make decisions easily, use sound judgment, and recall accurately. Instead, we doubt ourselves, always second-guessing our thoughts, emotions, and decisions. I believe that gaslighting is the most treacherous form of manipulation because it undermines our sense of self and stability.
How cognitive dissonance is resolved
Most of us consciously or unconsciously resolve cognitive dissonance by doing one of these three things:
Change our thoughts: Choosing this option means you change your thoughts and beliefs to match those of your narcissistic mom. For example, you accept your mother’s perspective that you lack common sense rather than continue believing that you have sound judgment. Now you agree with your mother, which eliminates the emotional conflict and cognitive dissonance.
Change our actions: With this approach, you change your behavior so it matches your beliefs about yourself. Using the above example, you find ways to demonstrate that you actually have sound judgment and common sense. Your actions now match your mindset, eliminating emotional conflict and cognitive dissonance.
Justify our perceptions: You really do lack common sense and sound judgment, and you rationalize this by minimizing their value and significance. In essence, you trivialize your lack of common sense and sound judgment to eliminate the emotional conflict and cognitive dissonance.
Resolving cognitive dissonance isn’t always done on a conscious level, although we may be aware that we have choices to make. At some point, we’ll use one of the three methods to keep our sanity intact.
Eliminating cognitive dissonance isn’t a “one-and-done” thing. Typically, and speaking from my own experience, we play around with the three possibilities for resolution, trying them on and seeing how they fit and feel. Eventually, we settle on one that suits us best and that causes us the least mental and emotional stress.
Because my mother liked to overwrite my perceptions and memories with her own, I heard a lot of, “I never said that,” “You imagined it,” “You dreamt it,” or “It wasn’t me.” I was in a continual state of self-doubt and confusion from her insistence that I perceived and remembered events inaccurately. My ability to make decisions and trust my own senses was severely negatively impacted. I eventually came to believe that the discrepancies between my own observations and those of my mother were flaws in my memory and perception. I became obsessed with explaining the disparities between what I observed and what I was told I observed. I remained in a state of cognitive dissonance throughout my childhood. If you can relate, I urge you to start your healing journey now and recover from the resulting cognitive dissonance.
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Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism, by Diane Metcalf
For as long as I can remember, there was something “different” about my mother. She wasn’t like other mothers.
My mom didn’t hug or kiss, smile at, spend time with, or play with me. She never seemed happy to see me. She didn’t ask about my school day and wasn’t interested in knowing my friends. She seemed to have no interest in me or anything that I did. My mom called me hurtful names and obscenities, and at times, she ignored me, not speaking to me for days, weeks, or even months. When she felt sad I was expected to emotionally care-take her. When she didn’t feel like parenting, I was responsible for my siblings. When she lost her temper she hit. When I was disobedient, there were bizarre punishments.
I was not allowed to express feelings, ask questions, or show initiative or curiosity. My feelings were discounted, minimized, or invalidated. She re-wrote my memories, and I was expected to believe her version. I was to obey, stay quiet, and not question.
If any of this sounds familiar, you are not alone. If there is manipulation, power struggles, or cruelty in your relationship, this book can help. If you second-guess your memory, doubt your judgment or sanity, or continually seek your mother’s withheld affection, attention, approval, or love, this book can explain why.
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About the Author
Drawing from her personal experiences of growing up in a dysfunctional household, Diane Metcalf has developed effective coping and healing strategies. With the assistance of professional therapists and mindful personal growth, she has honed her skills and now happily shares them with others who are interested in learning and growing.
As an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer, Diane is well-versed in topics such as narcissism, family dysfunction, abuse, and recognizing warning signs. Her extensive knowledge is drawn not only from her personal experiences, but also from her work in human service fields, including domestic violence, partner abuse, and court advocacy. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.
Diane’s transformational books on healing and personal growth, such as the highly acclaimed “Lemon Moms” series, offer emotional support and guidance in understanding narcissistic traits and healing past wounds. Her approach emphasizes self-awareness, intention, self-care, and establishing healthy boundaries as essential components in the healing process.
Learn more about the Lemon Moms series: Lemon Moms
Are you feeling mental, emotional, or physical distress from trying to please your mother and it's never good enough? You may be dealing with Narcissistic Victim Syndrome.
When someone's vibe feels "icky," or they have "unusual" personality quirks, would you know if they are genuine warning signs or if you could be in danger?
Discover the secrets of Identifying danger: join the book waitlist now!
Have you been caught off guard by toxic individuals? Want to enhance your ability to spot warning signs and protect yourself from emotional mistreatment and abuse? Look no further!
This upcoming book delves deep into the complexities of human behavior, guiding you through the maze of narcissists, psychopaths, manipulators, liars, and self-absorbed individuals. Learn the crucial skills to differentiate between harmless eccentricities and genuine red flags.
Feel empowered to rescue, protect and heal yourself from their mistreatment or abuse.
Sign up for exclusive access to free chapters, progress, contests, launch team, and be notified when it's available!
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