The Toolbox
  • Author Site
  • Lemon Moms Books
  • Free
  • SHOP AFFIRMATIONS
Author Site
Lemon Moms Books
Free
SHOP AFFIRMATIONS
The Toolbox
  • Author Site
  • Lemon Moms Books
  • Free
  • SHOP AFFIRMATIONS
Browsing Category
Cognitive Dissonance
C-PTSD•Cognitive Dissonance•Gaslighting

Healing Your Cognitive Dissonance

cognitive dissonance and gaslighting
April 4, 2022 by Diane M. Metcalf, MS No Comments

Cognitive dissonance is a type of mental stress that results from struggling to correct that surreal feeling between what we know to be real, and what we are told is real. It is the crazy-making component of gaslighting and the biggest cause of C-PTSD. Cognitive dissonance is the confusion and mental discomfort you experience when you live with contradictory beliefs, ideas, or values. It indicates a state of living with continually opposing or conflicting viewpoints, beliefs, or behaviors. It’s usually the result of manipulation, and specifically of gaslighting. To restore emotional balance, the affected person must change (or remove) the inconsistencies and conflicts. Most of us do this on an ongoing basis, without conscious awareness.​

If you grew up in a narcissistic home you’ve probably experienced cognitive dissonance and have felt the resulting and ongoing confusion. Human beings weren’t meant to continually live in a state of confusion. Not knowing what to believe, what to expect, and not being able to trust our feelings, judgment, or senses is overwhelming and painful. Our natural state of “being” requires that our thoughts and interactions make sense because we need stability and security to be emotionally healthy and balanced. When we feel doubtful of our reality, or are so fearful of making a decision that we’re emotionally paralyzed, it may be the result of cognitive dissonance.

Although it doesn’t sound like it, some types of cognitive dissonance can be healthy. For example, guilt is a positive and healthy form of cognitive dissonance. Guilt allows us to see the discrepancy between “this is who I say I am, but this is what I did.” We feel guilty when “who we are” and “what we did” are not aligned. This misalignment causes us to feel empathy for the person we wronged. For example, if I believe I’m a gentle, kind, and loving person, and I make a cruel remark to someone, my perception of “who I am” no longer matches “what I did.” A gentle, kind, and loving person would not say mean things. I would be motivated by guilt to apologize to the person I hurt. The cognitive dissonance provided by our guilt drives us to atone for our actions, which is a positive thing.

Cognitive dissonance has a dark side and it’s harmful

When we’re gaslighted regularly, our level of cognitive dissonance grows, and the crazier and more out-of-touch we feel. We’re unsure of what’s real and what’s not, what’s true and what’s not, and we don’t know whether to believe our senses or only to accept what we’re told.​

We all tell ourselves stories. It’s how we make sense of ourselves and our world. Our egos translate our experiences so that they make sense, but doing so while in a state of cognitive dissonance can keep us stuck. To get unstuck, we might choose to accept the best explanation that we can come up with, regardless of whether it’s accurate.​​​​For example, think about the possible explanations that a six-year-old might create, versus a twenty-year-old, or a thirty-five-year-old. Youth and immaturity work against us when we’re gaslighted as kids. We’re not experienced or knowledgeable enough to imagine plausible and realistic explanations. At ten, if my best friend doesn’t reach out, I might think it’s because she doesn’t like me anymore. But at thirty, if I haven’t heard from my friend, I might think it’s because she’s busy with life, working, prioritizing self-care, etc. I can choose any number of explanations, and they’ll align with my current self-concept. 

Now, if I formed the belief in childhood that I’m unlovable, and I carried that belief with me into adulthood, my interpretation of others’ behavior will reflect that belief. If I have strong self-esteem, then my interpretation will reflect that. We interpret our reality using these emotional “filters.” It’s important to remember this because our filters can and do change. Our perceptions and interpretations also continually change and develop as we mature physically, intellectually, socially, spiritually, and emotionally.

Remember that “beliefs” are thoughts that have emotions attached to them. Eliminating inaccurate beliefs is a primary key to healing. What thoughts and feelings are still connected to your childhood beliefs? For example, if you were told as a child that you were not smart, then as an adult you may still believe it. You may never have examined that belief to determine if it was really true. Instead, you probably accepted and internalized it as truth and took it with you into adulthood. Now as an adult, you can examine it objectively. Make a list of the feelings, thoughts, and actions that come with that belief and write about them at length. Is the belief still relevant today? Why or why not? Explain. It’s helpful to learn about therapeutic approaches like Tapping (Emotional Freedom Technique,) Neurolinguistic Programming, and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy which can eliminate faulty beliefs and help create healthy new ones. Take time to investigate other methods of changing beliefs. We acquired our beliefs as children. As adults, we get to replace them with ones that serve us.

gaslighting-150x150 Healing Your Cognitive Dissonance

Cognitive dissonance is one of the most challenging aspects of healing. Because of gaslighting, we’ve learned to disregard or mistrust our perceptions, judgment, and memory. We may have learned to trust and accept someone else’s interpretation of the world and events and we may now rely on their interpretations, judgment, and perceptions instead of our own.

When you were gaslighted as a child, you probably also received unexpected or inappropriate responses. Your response to the gaslighting may have been determined to be incorrect, unreasonable, or shameful. You may have wondered why you received strange looks causing you to question your actions and words. Now, as an adult, you may be fearful for your mental health, you’re concerned that you may be losing your mind. You may accept that you’re the illogical one, or that you’re mentally ill. Gaslighting often leads to depression, anxiety, helplessness, hopelessness, or exhaustion. If it’s severe, you may feel like your sense of self is “fuzzy” and “reality” feels dreamlike. You probably can’t think clearly and have trouble with problem-solving and making decisions. This is more cognitive dissonance as a result of the gaslighting.

I’d often get confused, stressed, and frustrated when my mother denied doing or saying something I’d witnessed. I’d ask, “You’re saying that I didn’t see what I know I just saw?” And she’d reply in an exasperated or dismayed tone of voice, “You dreamt it,” “You imagined it,” or “So-and-so did that, not me.” It shouldn’t surprise you that I grew up to continue that tradition. I excelled at self-gaslighting. When you convince yourself that you didn’t just hear what you know you heard or that you didn’t just see what you know you saw….you are self-gaslighting. We do it to protect ourselves from further trauma.

Self gaslighting

For those of us who’ve experienced gaslighting as children, it likely caused harmful cognitive dissonance and reduced us into confused, uncertain, dependent shadows of our true selves. It robbed us of our ability to think logically, make decisions easily, use sound judgment, and recall accurately. Instead, we doubt ourselves, always second-guessing our thoughts, emotions, and decisions. I believe that gaslighting is the most harmful and destructive form of manipulation because it undermines our whole sense of self and crumbles our stability.

Self-gaslighting also contributes to cognitive dissonance. When we tell ourselves that someone’s actions or behavior was our fault, we’re self-gaslighting. We may convince ourselves that we somehow provoked their hurtful behavior, or we take responsibility for the things they did to hurt us. When we self-gaslight, we not only accept blame, we intentionally place it on ourselves. We lie to ourselves and then spend precious emotional energy, convincing ourselves that we’re not. It’s exhausting. Throughout your healing process, remind yourself not to do that anymore. Be honest with yourself now. Stand up for yourself and become your own advocate. If you won’t, then who will? Tell yourself the truth and stop accepting gaslighting from anybody, including yourself, period. Practice mindfulness to become aware that you’re doing it and stop every time.

Humans have a natural need for their attitudes, beliefs, and behaviors to co-exist peacefully with each other. This is called “cognitive consistency.” Living in a state of cognitive consistency means that we feel stable, relaxed, and secure. For example, if I believe I’m an honest person, and I act accordingly, it means I’ll tell the truth even when it’s uncomfortable or it gets me into trouble. Doing so means I’ll maintain my integrity and my cognitive consistency.

How cognitive dissonance is resolved

Most of us consciously or unconsciously resolve cognitive dissonance by doing one of these three things:

  1. Change our thoughts: Choosing this option means you change your thoughts and beliefs to match those of your narcissistic mom. For example, you accept your mother’s perspective that you lack common sense, rather than continue believing that you have sound judgment. Now you agree with your mother, which eliminates the emotional conflict and cognitive dissonance.
  2. Change our actions: With this approach, you change your behavior, so it matches your beliefs about yourself. Using the above example, you find ways to demonstrate that you actually have sound judgment and common sense. Your actions now match your mindset, eliminating the emotional conflict and cognitive dissonance.
  3. Justify our perceptions: You really do lack common sense and sound judgment, and you rationalize this by minimizing their value and significance. In essence, you trivialize your lack of common sense and sound judgment to eliminate the emotional conflict and cognitive dissonance.

Resolving cognitive dissonance isn’t always done on a conscious level, although we may be aware that we have choices to make. At some point, we’ll use one of the three methods to keep our sanity intact.

Eliminating cognitive dissonance isn’t a “one and done” thing. Typically, and speaking from my own experience, we play around with the three possibilities for resolution, trying them on, seeing how they fit and feel. Eventually, we settle on one that suits us best, that causes us the least mental and emotional stress.

Because my mother liked to overwrite my perceptions and memories with her own, I heard a lot of, “I never said that,” “You imagined it,” “You dreamt it,” or “It wasn’t me.” I was in a continual state of self-doubt and confusion from her insistence that I perceived and remembered events inaccurately. My ability to make decisions and to trust my own senses was severely negatively impacted. I eventually came to believe that the discrepancies between my own observations and those of my mother were flaws in my memory and perception. I became obsessed with explaining the disparities between what I observed and what I was told I observed. I remained in a state of cognitive dissonance throughout my childhood. If you can relate, I urge you to start your healing journey now and recover from the resulting cognitive dissonance.

Tools:

Conscious awareness: Be aware and make conscious choices before acting. Self-awareness releases us from making impulsive and potentially damaging decisions.

Self-care: We can only choose to focus on and be responsible for ourselves, our own thoughts, actions, and behavior. The good news is that we can change ourselves with patience, persistence, and practice. We can take responsibility for getting our needs met, instead of waiting for someone to change or meet our needs for us. We are in control of ourselves and no one is responsible for us but us.

Practice mindfulness

Learn about codependency

Take the Adverse Childhood Experiences quiz

Learn about Narcissism Awareness Grief

Understand the Abuse Cycle

Learn about letting go of what you can’t control, by using positive detachment

Learn about expectations

Learn about setting boundaries

More Resources You May Like:

2-1024x1024 Healing Your Cognitive Dissonance

I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self

A Workbook and Journal

How to write the highest vibrating, most powerful affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things

Sold worldwide in any bookstore.

Quick links:

Barnes and Noble
Amazon
Walmart
Author Site

Join the Free Email Survival Course:

Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward

from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.

Private Facebook group included for members only.

Register Here!
Free 8-week email Survival Course

    I respect your privacy. Unsubscribe at anytime.

    There’s an app for that!

    Get THE TOOLBOX APP

    for instant information, support, and validation!

    splashscreen-mobile-app-1-1024x1024 Healing Your Cognitive Dissonance
    GOOGLEPLAY-EMBLEM Healing Your Cognitive Dissonance
    app-store-logo Healing Your Cognitive Dissonance
    KINDLE-HiDef-3-book-series-2566-x-3846-px-683x1024 Healing Your Cognitive Dissonance

    The Lemon Moms Series:

    B&N
    Kindle
    Audible
    Amazon
    Nook
    Google
    Apple

    Available formats: eBook, audiobook, hardcover, paperback, and large print too!

    All are available worldwide at your favorite bookstore!

    If not stocked, store copies may be ordered through the global distributor, IngramSpark.

    For ordering through Amazon in the US and other countries:

    Amazon US, Amazon UK,  Amazon Germany, Amazon France, Amazon Italy, Amazon Japan, Amazon Canada, Amazon Australia, Amazon Netherlands, Amazon Spain

    In the US? No Amazon Prime? Buy directly from the author to

    GET FREE SHIPPING (U.S.)

    Get the TOOLBOX articles twice monthly to your inbox!

    Your Free Gift:
    Inner Child Healing Meditation mp3

      We respect your privacy. Unsubscribe at anytime.


      Visit Author’s Site

      About the Author

      Facetune_06-05-2021-18-24-57 Healing Your Cognitive Dissonance

      As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping skills and healing strategies for herself. She happily shares those with others who want to learn and grow. 

      Her Lemon Moms series and other books and articles are a combination of her education, knowledge, personal growth, and insight from her childhood experiences and subsequent recovery work.

      Diane holds a Master of Science degree in Information Technology and a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology. She’s worked in numerous fields, including domestic violence and abuse, and is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer about family dysfunction. On The Toolbox, she writes about recovery strategies from hurtful people and painful, dysfunctional, or toxic relationships. She has authored four transformational books about healing and moving forward from narcissistic Victim Syndrome.

      Visit her author’s site here: DianeMetcalf.com

      Learn about the Lemon Moms series here: Lemon Moms

      This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

      Read more

      Reading time: 10 min
      C-PTSD•Cognitive Dissonance•Scapegoating•Trauma

      How the Silent Treatment Causes Emotional Damage

      mouth covered by tape
      July 19, 2021 by Diane M. Metcalf, MS No Comments

      Narcissists love the silent treatment. It’s their secret weapon when they want to manipulate and hurt in a big way. Using the silent treatment is a way to inflict pain without causing visible evidence.

      Research shows that when we ignore or exclude someone, it activates the same part of their brain as physical pain does. Narcissists instinctively know that this manipulative technique is extremely hurtful. It’s traumatic to those it’s inflicted upon (Eisenberger et al. 2004).

      Because I write about narcissistic mothers, I’ll note here that a narcissistic mother gets her sense of self through her children. She needs to protect her self-image and her reputation as a loving, caring mother, so her children are a necessary part of her identity. This is why the silent treatment is so meaningful to her. To a narcissistic mother, when she uses the silent treatment, it’s as if she’s cutting off a very displeasing part of herself and, at the same time, understands how painful it feels to the person she’s shunning. I’ve heard others remark that my mother was the kind of person who would cut off her nose to spite her face. Win at any cost, right?

      The Stone Wall

      The silent treatment is a punishment that consists of “hurt and rescue.” It can continue for months or even years and is often used to teach a lesson or to manipulate behavior (Eisenberger et al. 2004). For those of us who’ve been subjected to this form of abuse, it kept us anxious by triggering our fear of abandonment. (Saeed, K. 2019).

      When I was seventeen, I endured my mother’s silent treatment for a little over three months. She had given me the silent treatment before, and she would again, but this instance lasted the longest. For the entire three months, I was met with stony silence any time I attempted to interact with her. She would not make eye contact with me. There was no acknowledgment that I existed whatsoever.

      I broke our silent relationship now and again, testing to see if she would respond, and each time I was met with cold rejection. The message was loud and clear that she was not finished punishing me, and my attempts were not going to have an effect. It was as if I was invisible. I remember needing affirmation from others that they could see me and that I existed. I felt like I was heading into insanity.

      One day, as mysteriously as the silent treatment had started, it ended. When my mother broke the silence and spoke to me, it was some little unimportant phrase that had no real significance, but it indicated the shunning was over.

      I couldn’t figure out what I had done to offend or anger my mother, to cause her to take such extreme action as the silent treatment. I spent an excessive amount of time obsessing about it, replaying scenarios and conversations repeatedly, looking for the cause. I never found it, and of course, we never discussed what happened. If I was supposed to learn a lesson, I never knew what it was. Maybe the whole thing was nothing more than a show of power, meant to demoralize and unsettle me. It remains a mystery to this day.

      fractured-face How the Silent Treatment Causes Emotional Damage

      Punitive Silence

      When a person is actively ignored, it causes such psychological and emotional anguish that it can actually be seen on brain scans (Pune Mirror 2019). The silent treatment triggers a fear of abandonment, which is very frightening, but for children like me who’d already been abandoned by one parent, it is unbearable. I was obsessed with thoughts like, “Who will take care of me?” “Will I ever matter?” “Will I ever be safe?” “Will anyone ever love me?”

      The fear of abandonment causes anxiety, worry, sleep loss, and inability to concentrate. Imagine trying to learn in school or study for tests while being actively ignored and rejected by a parent. With every silent treatment, we go deeper into survival mode, and we can experience panic attacks, appetite loss, binge-eating, racing heartbeat, nightmares, depression, confusion, and obsessive thinking. With each, we learn to focus more on our mother’s behavior and her needs. We learn to provide what she needs and wants because we fear we’ll be emotionally or physically abandoned again. The need to please and appease her becomes overblown.

      A narcissistic mom understands that she’ll get away with rejecting and shunning because, as children, we have no choice but to welcome her back when she decides to return to our lives. We need her, after all, and she knows it. When she’s ready to acknowledge us again, we’re so happy, aren’t we?

      The narcissistic mom likes knowing how hurt we are by her silent treatment. Our pain demonstrates to her that she is all-powerful and can devastate us if and when she chooses. It’s a great form of narcissistic supply.

      Every time we go through the silent treatment, we’re diminished. Each time we endure active ignoring, we question our self-worth. Our self-esteem and self-image are further eroded, and our fear of abandonment escalates. Despite our accomplishments, acknowledgments, or friendships, we find ourselves desperate for our mother’s approval, which is, of course, always out of reach. We may come close, but we never quite make it.

      We eventually accept that we aren’t worthy of her love or attention. We settle for any crumbs of affection or attention we can get from her. We learn that we’re somehow inferior and will never be able to please her, although we should continue trying.

      This repeated process is called “trauma bonding” and is another example of the powerful emotional bonds created between abuser and abused. Over time, trauma bonds become very resistant to change, contributing to the development of a codependent relationship.

      Tools:

      Set boundaries 

      Understand the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle

      Learn about codependency

      Let go of what you can’t control using loving-detachment

      Learn about expectations

      Conscious awareness:  Be aware and make conscious choices before acting. Self-awareness releases us from making impulsive and potentially damaging decisions.

      Self-care: We are in control of ourselves and no one is responsible for us but us. We can only choose to focus on and be responsible for ourselves, our own thoughts, actions, and behavior. We can change ourselves with patience, persistence, and practice. When we take responsibility for getting our needs met, instead of waiting for someone to change or meet our needs for us, we are healing.

      More Resources You May Like:

      2-1024x1024 How the Silent Treatment Causes Emotional Damage

      I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self

      A Workbook and Journal

      How to write the highest vibrating, most powerful affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things

      Sold worldwide in any bookstore.

      Quick links:

      Barnes and Noble
      Amazon
      Walmart
      Author Site

      Join the Free Email Survival Course:

      Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward

      from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.

      Private Facebook group included for members only.

      Register Here!
      Free 8-week email Survival Course

        I respect your privacy. Unsubscribe at anytime.

        There’s an app for that!

        Get THE TOOLBOX APP

        for instant information, support, and validation!

        splashscreen-mobile-app-1-1024x1024 How the Silent Treatment Causes Emotional Damage
        GOOGLEPLAY-EMBLEM How the Silent Treatment Causes Emotional Damage
        app-store-logo How the Silent Treatment Causes Emotional Damage
        KINDLE-HiDef-3-book-series-2566-x-3846-px-683x1024 How the Silent Treatment Causes Emotional Damage

        The Lemon Moms Series:

        B&N
        Kindle
        Audible
        Amazon
        Nook
        Google
        Apple

        Available formats: eBook, audiobook, hardcover, paperback, and large print too!

        All are available worldwide at your favorite bookstore!

        If not stocked, store copies may be ordered through the global distributor, IngramSpark.

        For ordering through Amazon in the US and other countries:

        Amazon US, Amazon UK,  Amazon Germany, Amazon France, Amazon Italy, Amazon Japan, Amazon Canada, Amazon Australia, Amazon Netherlands, Amazon Spain

        In the US? No Amazon Prime? Buy directly from the author to

        GET FREE SHIPPING (U.S.)

        Get the TOOLBOX articles twice monthly to your inbox!

        Your Free Gift:
        Inner Child Healing Meditation mp3

          We respect your privacy. Unsubscribe at anytime.


          Visit Author’s Site

          About the Author

          Facetune_06-05-2021-18-24-57 How the Silent Treatment Causes Emotional Damage

          As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping skills and healing strategies for herself. She happily shares those with others who want to learn and grow. 

          Her Lemon Moms series and other books and articles are a combination of her education, knowledge, personal growth, and insight from her childhood experiences and subsequent recovery work.

          Diane holds a Master of Science degree in Information Technology and a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology. She’s worked in numerous fields, including domestic violence and abuse, and is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer about family dysfunction. On The Toolbox, she writes about recovery strategies from hurtful people and painful, dysfunctional, or toxic relationships. She has authored four transformational books about healing and moving forward from narcissistic Victim Syndrome.

          Visit her author’s site here: DianeMetcalf.com

          Learn about the Lemon Moms series here: Lemon Moms

          This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

           

          Read more

          Please share!

          Reading time: 5 min
          Anger•C-PTSD•Cognitive Dissonance•Trauma

          Do You Have C-PTSD?

          brain scan
          February 17, 2020 by Diane M. Metcalf, MS No Comments

          Is it PTSD or C-PTSD?

          Let’s talk about the differences between PTSD and C-PTSD.

          PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) is trauma and stress-related disorder.​ The symptoms of PTSD are stress-related coping mechanisms called “triggers,” which are associated with hypervigilance. (Lanius et al. 2010). These symptoms are often combined with non-anxiety symptoms such as angry outbursts, self-destructive behavior, flashbacks, and nightmares, and they include physiological sensations like nausea or sudden rapid heartbeat.​

          C-PTSD​ (Complex-Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) is a relatively new term. It does not have its own diagnostic criteria in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5.) Many mental health practitioners would like C-PTSD to have a separate diagnostic standard from those of PTSD.  A possible indicator that this change may be forthcoming is that PTSD was removed from the “anxiety disorders” category and added to a brand new one called “trauma and stress-related disorders.” (Gattuso, R. 2018). So, maybe in version 6, we’ll see C-PTSD included as a separate disorder within the new “trauma and stress-related disorders” category.

          People who have C-PTSD experience PTSD symptoms, but they also suffer from additional symptoms such as:

          • feeling shame or guilt
          • feeling responsible for the abuse
          • difficulty controlling emotions
          • episodes of losing attention and focus (dissociation)
          • physical symptoms like headaches, dizziness, chest pains, and stomach aches
          • isolation from friends and family
          • relationship difficulties
          • destructive or risky behavior, such as alcohol or drug abuse
          • suicidal thoughts
          • unnecessary worrying
          • adrenal burnout
          • cognitive dissonance
          • chronic inflammatory disorders
          • mental exhaustion
          • various forms of anxiety
          • depression
          • loss of pleasure
          • black-and-white thinking
          • digestive disturbances
          • weight gain or loss
          • self-gaslighting

          When we experience trauma, the experience is not stored linearly like stories, but as fragments of sensory input: smells, sights, sounds, touches, tastes. These stored fragments can become the “triggers” that alert us to recurring danger or threats. Triggers are highly sensitive and reactive emotions that are activated by our environment or another person’s behavior or words. When we become triggered, we automatically react without thought. There is often a sense of losing control of ourselves. 

          When we’re triggered, we may quietly emotionally withdraw, or we may react rather intensely and aggressively. Either way, it’s because we’re defending ourselves against a perceived threat, whether it’s a real threat or just feels like one.

          Emotional triggers

          Emotional triggers are wounds that still need to heal. For example, a friend makes a casual remark, and you suddenly snap back with a cutting and intentionally hurtful remark. You don’t know what came over you. You weren’t in a bad mood or feeling angry, but immediately as the comment was made, you instinctively reacted swiftly and defensively to defend yourself. It was as if a “switch” had been flipped.​ You instinctively understand that you wounded and confused your friend, but you don’t know why you acted this way. Later, after you’ve taken time to reflect on and process what happened, you realize that at the moment you heard the comment, you instantly felt something that triggered your response. Maybe you felt confused, self-doubtful, unimportant, dismissed, or disrespected. In effect, you felt the need to defend or protect yourself without thought or question. 

          You also recognize that the remark was not said to intentionally hurt you, and yet you deliberately reacted viciously, with a desire to inflict pain. So you decide to apologize to your friend. You understood now that the remark was one of your triggers, and your triggers are your responsibility. 

          When we become triggered because of C-PTSD, it becomes challenging to navigate our daily lives and relationships. ​​

          Get to know your triggers. We can never know all of our triggers because we’re usually not aware of them until they happen. Triggers are created by consistency and repetition, so we develop new ones throughout life because we’re continually partaking in new life experiences. Once you have an idea of what your triggers are, you can form appropriate responses to them and have them ready for the next time. You can also replace your triggers by questioning their validity. Learn more about discovering and controlling your triggers here and here.​

          An unfulfilled longing for connection can be a cause of deep-seated loneliness, which may further contribute to developing more symptoms. Depression and risky or self-destructive behaviors are often attributed to a lack of emotional connection. ​

          Survivors of complex trauma often have difficulty forming attachments to others.​ It makes sense that the treatment process for C-PTSD includes learning ways to strengthen the ability to feel attached to others while at the same time feeling safe, secure, and loved. Learning to do this is “an extremely difficult process” but not impossible. (Franco, F. 2018).​ 

          Tools:

          Conscious awareness:  Be aware and make conscious choices before acting. Self-awareness releases us from making impulsive and potentially damaging decisions. Learn about setting boundaries 

          Self-care: We can only choose to focus on and be responsible for ourselves, our own thoughts, actions, and behavior. The good news is that we can change ourselves with patience, persistence, and practice. We can take responsibility for getting our needs met, instead of waiting for someone to change or meet our needs for us. We are in control of ourselves and no one is responsible for us but us.

          Practice mindfulness

          Learn about codependency and maladaptive coping skills

          Take the Adverse Childhood Experiences quiz

          Learn to recognize the Cycle of Abuse

          More Resources You May Like:

          2-1024x1024 Do You Have C-PTSD?

          I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self

          A Workbook and Journal

          How to write the highest vibrating, most powerful affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things

          Sold worldwide in any bookstore.

          Quick links:

          Barnes and Noble
          Amazon
          Walmart
          Author Site

          Join the Free Email Survival Course:

          Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward

          from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.

          Private Facebook group included for members only.

          Register Here!
          Free 8-week email Survival Course

            I respect your privacy. Unsubscribe at anytime.

            There’s an app for that!

            Get THE TOOLBOX APP

            for instant information, support, and validation!

            splashscreen-mobile-app-1-1024x1024 Do You Have C-PTSD?
            GOOGLEPLAY-EMBLEM Do You Have C-PTSD?
            app-store-logo Do You Have C-PTSD?
            KINDLE-HiDef-3-book-series-2566-x-3846-px-683x1024 Do You Have C-PTSD?

            The Lemon Moms Series:

            B&N
            Kindle
            Audible
            Amazon
            Nook
            Google
            Apple

            Available formats: eBook, audiobook, hardcover, paperback, and large print too!

            All are available worldwide at your favorite bookstore!

            If not stocked, store copies may be ordered through the global distributor, IngramSpark.

            For ordering through Amazon in the US and other countries:

            Amazon US, Amazon UK,  Amazon Germany, Amazon France, Amazon Italy, Amazon Japan, Amazon Canada, Amazon Australia, Amazon Netherlands, Amazon Spain

            In the US? No Amazon Prime? Buy directly from the author to

            GET FREE SHIPPING (U.S.)

            Get the TOOLBOX articles twice monthly to your inbox!

            Your Free Gift:
            Inner Child Healing Meditation mp3

              We respect your privacy. Unsubscribe at anytime.


              Visit Author’s Site

              About the Author

              Facetune_06-05-2021-18-24-57 Do You Have C-PTSD?

              As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping skills and healing strategies for herself. She happily shares those with others who want to learn and grow. 

              Her Lemon Moms series and other books and articles are a combination of her education, knowledge, personal growth, and insight from her childhood experiences and subsequent recovery work.

              Diane holds a Master of Science degree in Information Technology and a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology. She’s worked in numerous fields, including domestic violence and abuse, and is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer about family dysfunction. On The Toolbox, she writes about recovery strategies from hurtful people and painful, dysfunctional, or toxic relationships. She has authored four transformational books about healing and moving forward from narcissistic Victim Syndrome.

              Visit her author’s site here: DianeMetcalf.com

              Learn about the Lemon Moms series here: Lemon Moms

              This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

               

              Read more

              Please share!

              Reading time: 4 min
              C-PTSD•Cognitive Dissonance•Gaslighting•Narcissism

              Why Narcissists Gaslight

              gaslighting
              September 6, 2019 by Diane M. Metcalf, MS No Comments

              What is gaslighting?

              “Gaslighting” is an expression borrowed from the 1938 stage play Gaslight. In the story, a husband tries to drive his wife insane by dimming their home’s gas-powered lights. When his wife notices and comments, he denies that the home illumination has changed in any way. The scheme causes her to begin doubting her perception, judgment, and reality.

              How do I know if I’m being gaslighted?

              Gaslighting is done to cause a reaction. For a narcissist, when their target reacts, it’s a form of narcissistic supply. The narcissist remains calm and rational, which causes their target to feel insecure and irrational. When you’re being gaslighted, you don’t always know what’s happening, but you may intuitively feel that something isn’t right. You’re primarily confused, stressed, and frustrated, and you can’t figure out the reason. This gives a narcissist a huge amount of power and control. Gaslighting is emotional abuse in the form of mind games. When a narcissist uses this approach, they feel superior in their ability to control your beliefs, feelings, thoughts, and perceptions.

              You’re likely being gaslighted if:

              • Your narcissist uses your fears or insecurities against you. If you divulge any insecurities or personal worries, at some point, they will be used against you in some manner. Again, this allows the narcissist to feel superior to you and is a form of narcissistic supply.
              • Your narcissist wants you to think they know you better than you know yourself. Sometimes, they may say they know what you’re thinking, and if you tell them they’re wrong, they’ll believe you’re lying. They may roll their eyes at you or make a disgusted face, even state that you’re lying. Narcissists simply cannot allow themselves to be wrong.
              • Your narcissist has you do things for them that aren’t appropriate (or morally right or legal, etc.) and tells you that it’s OK.
              •  If you’re regularly told that something’s “normal” when you feel it isn’t, then you’re probably being gaslighted. For example, when a was a child, my mother frequently had me lie to other adults on her behalf. Usually, the lie was that she had a headache, or she didn’t feel well or wasn’t home. She expected this from me without question. Growing up this way, I believed doing this for my mother was normal. Later, in my teens, when I started to recognize that this wasn’t something all kids had to do, I refused to do it anymore. It felt wrong, and like I was being used. It also felt like she should, as the adult, speak to other adults directly. She made it clear that she was very disappointed with me for wanting her to be honest, or not to expect me to lie for her anymore.
              • Your narcissist “diagnoses” you and tells you what’s wrong with you. You’re informed that you’re mentally ill, that you need help, or that you have “issues.” When a narcissist doesn’t get their way, they will insult you and question your judgment or your sanity. They may tell you that you need therapy or medication. This really isn’t about you, though. In fact, it has nothing to do with you; it’s all about their need to feel superior and control you and your relationship.
              • Your narcissist rewrites history. They inform you that what you know to be accurate or real, is not accurate, real, correct or factual. Then will then tell you what is.
              • Your narcissist tells you your memory is faulty. Narcissists recall or retell a shared memory very differently than you, which is OK since we all perceive differently. The problem here is that they will describe their behavior or reaction as rational, good, and righteous, but spin yours as irrational or shameful. In their version, they are always either the hero or the victim.
              hand-with-brain-150x150-1 Why Narcissists Gaslight

              What does gaslighting do?

              Gaslighting can have severe effects, especially when it’s ongoing. If you’re being gaslighted, you may begin lying to avoid stress, arguments, or to prevent your narcissist from becoming triggered, angry, or abusive.

              A significant symptom of gaslighting is the constant feeling of confusion or being off-balance that I’ve mentioned. It’s one of our most challenging aspects of healing from gaslighting because we’ve learned to disregard our intuition, our sense of trust, our memories, our minds, and indeed our perception of anything! Because we may have learned to trust our narcissist’s interpretation of the world and rely on it instead of our own, we begin to doubt our reality and convince ourselves that their version of reality is correct. There’s a feeling of things not adding up; a feeling of confusion and disorientation much of the time we’re around them. I came to think of these discrepancies between my reality and my mother’s version as a flaw in myself. I drove myself crazy trying to figure out and make sense of the disparity between what I observed with my senses and what I was told that I observed. This kind of internal conflict is called cognitive dissonance.

              You may get unexpected or inappropriate responses to common questions or actions,​ from your narcissist and your reactions may be determined to be incorrect or unreasonable. You may get strange “looks” that make you question your every move. Fearful for your mental health, you worry that you might be losing your mind. You may begin thinking that you’re the illogical one, or believe that you’re mentally ill. You likely feel confused by the things they say and do, but your observations are never validated.

              How does being gaslighted feel?

              You’ll even come to doubt your memory. This was a big one for me because my mother liked to overwrite my perceptions and memories with her own, I heard a lot of, “I never said that,” “You imagine things,” or “You dreamt it.” This was the attribute of gaslighting that harmed me the most. Continually being told that I perceived, and therefore remembered, events incorrectly had me in a continual state of self-doubt, confusion, and disorientation. It negatively impacted my ability to make decisions and to trust my judgment and perceptions.

              This form of abuse leads to feeling depressed, anxious, helpless, hopeless, or exhausted. Life may begin to feel a bit surreal, you may feel like you’re invisible, or like you don’t actually exist. Your sense of reality may seem” fuzzy,” and you can’t think clearly. You probably have trouble problem-solving and making decisions because you doubt your judgment or your observations.

              And while you’re struggling, your narcissist will continue to play mind games, twisting your perception.

              Eventually, you may begin to depend on your narcissist to inform you of what’s “real” and what isn’t. You’ll rely on them to tell you what you’re thinking and what you remember, and they’ll correct any memory that doesn’t align with their own or makes them appear less than great. If the gaslighting is constant, your reality will begin to depend on your narcissist’s interpretation. You’ll eventually lose your sense of self, and when this happens, you’ve likely started to disassociate. You’re losing your self-identity and becoming the version of you that your narcissist believes you are.


              Tools:

              Conscious awareness:  Be aware and make conscious choices before acting. Self-awareness releases us from making impulsive and potentially damaging decisions.

              Self-care: We can only choose to focus on and be responsible for ourselves, our own thoughts, actions, and behavior. The good news is that we can change ourselves with patience, persistence, and practice. We can take responsibility for getting our needs met, instead of waiting for someone to change or meet our needs for us. We are in control of ourselves and no one is responsible for us but us.

              Set boundaries 

              Understand the Abuse Cycle

              Learn about codependency

              Learn about letting go of what you can’t control, by using loving-detachment

              Learn about expectations

              More Resources You May Like:

              2-1024x1024 Why Narcissists Gaslight

              I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self

              A Workbook and Journal

              How to write the highest vibrating, most powerful affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things

              Sold worldwide in any bookstore.

              Quick links:

              Barnes and Noble
              Amazon
              Walmart
              Author Site

              Join the Free Email Survival Course:

              Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward

              from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.

              Private Facebook group included for members only.

              Register Here!
              Free 8-week email Survival Course

                I respect your privacy. Unsubscribe at anytime.

                There’s an app for that!

                Get THE TOOLBOX APP

                for instant information, support, and validation!

                splashscreen-mobile-app-1-1024x1024 Why Narcissists Gaslight
                GOOGLEPLAY-EMBLEM Why Narcissists Gaslight
                app-store-logo Why Narcissists Gaslight
                KINDLE-HiDef-3-book-series-2566-x-3846-px-683x1024 Why Narcissists Gaslight

                The Lemon Moms Series:

                B&N
                Kindle
                Audible
                Amazon
                Nook
                Google
                Apple

                Available formats: eBook, audiobook, hardcover, paperback, and large print too!

                All are available worldwide at your favorite bookstore!

                If not stocked, store copies may be ordered through the global distributor, IngramSpark.

                For ordering through Amazon in the US and other countries:

                Amazon US, Amazon UK,  Amazon Germany, Amazon France, Amazon Italy, Amazon Japan, Amazon Canada, Amazon Australia, Amazon Netherlands, Amazon Spain

                In the US? No Amazon Prime? Buy directly from the author to

                GET FREE SHIPPING (U.S.)

                Get the TOOLBOX articles twice monthly to your inbox!

                Your Free Gift:
                Inner Child Healing Meditation mp3

                  We respect your privacy. Unsubscribe at anytime.


                  Visit Author’s Site

                  About the Author

                  Facetune_06-05-2021-18-24-57 Why Narcissists Gaslight

                  As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping skills and healing strategies for herself. She happily shares those with others who want to learn and grow. 

                  Her Lemon Moms series and other books and articles are a combination of her education, knowledge, personal growth, and insight from her childhood experiences and subsequent recovery work.

                  Diane holds a Master of Science degree in Information Technology and a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology. She’s worked in numerous fields, including domestic violence and abuse, and is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer about family dysfunction. On The Toolbox, she writes about recovery strategies from hurtful people and painful, dysfunctional, or toxic relationships. She has authored four transformational books about healing and moving forward from narcissistic Victim Syndrome.

                  Visit her author’s site here: DianeMetcalf.com

                  Learn about the Lemon Moms series here: Lemon Moms

                  This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

                   

                  Read more

                  Please share!

                  Reading time: 7 min
                  C-PTSD•Cognitive Dissonance•Gaslighting•Trauma

                  What trauma does to your brain

                  cognitive dissonance, gaslighting
                  August 3, 2019 by Diane Metcalf, MS No Comments

                  Key players

                  To fully understand how neglectful or traumatic experiences affect human beings, we need to understand some things about our brains.

                  The key player is the limbic system, which is an intricate network of structures located in the brain beneath the cerebral cortex (the brain’s outer layer, composed of folded gray matter, which plays a vital role in consciousness). Composed of four main parts, the hypothalamus, the amygdala, the thalamus, and the hippocampus—the system controls our basic emotions (fear, pleasure, anger) and, as such, drives hunger, sex, and caring for children. It’s involved with instinct, mood, motivation, and emotional behavior.

                  The amygdala is a structure that’s part of this system. We have two amygdalae, one on either side of our brains. It’s considered the “emotional” brain because it’s highly involved with memory and the connected emotional responses.

                  Limbic-4-1024x676 What trauma does to your brain

                  The amygdala’s job is to convert and move information out of short-term memory into long-term memory and to connect emotions to these memories (Krause-Utz et al. 2017).

                  Fight or Flight

                  Whenever we experience any traumatic episode, a hormone called adrenalin is released from our adrenal glands. This action causes a memory of the trauma to be created in our amygdala. The memory is not stored linearly like a story. Instead, it’s saved according to how our five senses experienced the trauma as it happened. So, the traumatic memories are stored as bits of visual images, smells, sounds, tastes, or physical contact. The amygdala then gives meaning and a particular degree of emotional intensity to this event.

                  If the amygdala is continually on high alert, overstimulated from adrenalin from a real or a perceived threat, our emotions won’t become self-regulated like they’re supposed to. When emotions aren’t self-regulated, we continue to respond to old, buried memories with an automatic, knee-jerk behavior called “triggering.” Triggering is caused when the brain has lost the ability to distinguish between something that is a threat and something that’s not. The amygdala misinterprets input from our senses, eyes, ears, nose, mouth, and/or skin, as being dangerous or threatening, even when it’s not.

                  And if we continually live in this high-alert, fight or flight survival mode, we’ll likely begin using coping methods that aren’t good for us. We may lie, depend on drugs, overeat, steal, or do whatever it takes to help us cope with the unmanageable stress. 

                  Another essential structure within the limbic system is the horseshoe-shaped hippocampus.

                  The hippocampus also plays a role in moving information from short-term to long-term memory, but its job is cataloging memories for eventual storage and retrieval and developing new memories about past experiences.

                  The hippocampus is in charge of remembering locations for objects and people. When we remember that we left our keys on the kitchen counter, we’re using our hippocampus. We use the hippocampus for spatial memory, navigating, and orientation. Without it, we wouldn’t remember where the kitchen counter is or how to get there from where we are in relation. This is critical information about our surroundings, and we rely on it to find our way around.

                  The hippocampus continues to be the focus of research regarding cognition (understanding through thought, experience, and senses) and memory-retention in post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) (Kolassa and  Elbert 2007).

                  selfcare2-150x150 What trauma does to your brain

                  Differences between PTSD and C-PTSD

                  Complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD) results from a series of trauma-causing events, or one prolonged event, whereas PTSD is usually related to a single traumatic event. This repeated exposure causes additional symptoms not experienced by people with PTSD. C-PTSD can be the result of narcissistic abuse because our very being, who we are at our core, is continually attacked or threatened when we’re in a relationship with a narcissist. Common symptoms of C-PTSD are flashbacks, panic attacks, nightmares, excessive startle reaction, and habitually thinking about the traumatic event (McClelland and Gilyard 2008).

                  Children who experience neglect or ongoing traumatic abuse are at risk for developing complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD), depression, self-harming behaviors, and conditions like anxiety, conduct, attachment, eating, substance use, and other disorders. When these children become adults, they’ll be at risk for revictimization, and physical illnesses like diabetes, heart disease, and immunological disorders. Research shows that women who’ve endured childhood abuse-related PTSD may also have altered brain structures, and their cognitive functioning may also be impaired as compared with women who were abused but not diagnosed with PTSD or women with no history of abuse. Abuse-related PTSD is associated with a reduced ability to focus and categorize information. When the attention and memory encoding activities of the limbic system are suspended due to real or perceived threats, verbal language ability may also become impaired (Ford 2017).

                  We learn our value as people as well as how to develop healthy, supportive relationships by interacting with our primary caretakers and family members. Kids who’ve been neglected or abused by a caretaker find it challenging to form a healthy attachment to them. If our caretaker was emotionally unstable, neglectful, or abusive, we might have learned that we can’t trust or depend on others to meet our needs. Studies indicate that children are more susceptible to stress and its related illnesses when they’re unable to create a healthy attachment to their caretaker. They may have difficulty interacting with authority figures like teachers and other adults. They struggle with managing and expressing their emotions, and they may react inappropriately or even aggressively in specific settings. Later in life, they may have difficulty sustaining romantic relationships and friendships.

                  Those of us who have experienced maternal narcissistic abuse may eventually find ourselves in an abusive, toxic, or less-than-satisfying adult relationship.

                  It’s not hard to see why. It makes sense: this person’s behavior and way of relating to us seem familiar, and we already know our role and what’s expected of us in the relationship.


                  Tools:

                  Learn about codependency

                  Learn about adverse childhood experiences

                  Understand the Cycle of Abuse

                  More Resources You May Like:

                  2-1024x1024 What trauma does to your brain

                  I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self

                  A Workbook and Journal

                  How to write the highest vibrating, most powerful affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things

                  Sold worldwide in any bookstore.

                  Quick links:

                  Barnes and Noble
                  Amazon
                  Walmart
                  Author Site

                  Join the Free Email Survival Course:

                  Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward

                  from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.

                  Private Facebook group included for members only.

                  Register Here!
                  Free 8-week email Survival Course

                    I respect your privacy. Unsubscribe at anytime.

                    There’s an app for that!

                    Get THE TOOLBOX APP

                    for instant information, support, and validation!

                    splashscreen-mobile-app-1-1024x1024 What trauma does to your brain
                    GOOGLEPLAY-EMBLEM What trauma does to your brain
                    app-store-logo What trauma does to your brain
                    KINDLE-HiDef-3-book-series-2566-x-3846-px-683x1024 What trauma does to your brain

                    The Lemon Moms Series:

                    B&N
                    Kindle
                    Audible
                    Amazon
                    Nook
                    Google
                    Apple

                    Available formats: eBook, audiobook, hardcover, paperback, and large print too!

                    All are available worldwide at your favorite bookstore!

                    If not stocked, store copies may be ordered through the global distributor, IngramSpark.

                    For ordering through Amazon in the US and other countries:

                    Amazon US, Amazon UK,  Amazon Germany, Amazon France, Amazon Italy, Amazon Japan, Amazon Canada, Amazon Australia, Amazon Netherlands, Amazon Spain

                    In the US? No Amazon Prime? Buy directly from the author to

                    GET FREE SHIPPING (U.S.)

                    Get the TOOLBOX articles twice monthly to your inbox!

                    Your Free Gift:
                    Inner Child Healing Meditation mp3

                      We respect your privacy. Unsubscribe at anytime.


                      Visit Author’s Site

                      About the Author

                      Facetune_06-05-2021-18-24-57 What trauma does to your brain

                      As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping skills and healing strategies for herself. She happily shares those with others who want to learn and grow. 

                      Her Lemon Moms series and other books and articles are a combination of her education, knowledge, personal growth, and insight from her childhood experiences and subsequent recovery work.

                      Diane holds a Master of Science degree in Information Technology and a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology. She’s worked in numerous fields, including domestic violence and abuse, and is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer about family dysfunction. On The Toolbox, she writes about recovery strategies from hurtful people and painful, dysfunctional, or toxic relationships. She has authored four transformational books about healing and moving forward from narcissistic Victim Syndrome.

                      Visit her author’s site here: DianeMetcalf.com

                      Learn about the Lemon Moms series here: Lemon Moms

                      This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

                       

                      Read more

                      Please share!

                      Reading time: 5 min
                      C-PTSD•Codependency•Cognitive Dissonance•Self Care•Self-talk

                      The Toolbox

                      pretty toolbox
                      February 11, 2019 by Diane Metcalf, MS No Comments

                      We all have emotional “needs” and everyone’s emotional needs are unique to them. These needs change on a daily basis, depending on our physical state, thoughts, and experiences. Because of this, each of us would benefit from owning a ready-made set of coping skills to help us deal with life’s emotional ups and downs. Having such a skill-set would allow us to effectively and efficiently deal with the daily emotional, physical and spiritual challenges, (as well as the emotionally provoking encounters) that we all face.

                      Some of us learned our current coping skills when we were children, acquiring them from our parents, friends, relatives, and teachers. Some of us learned only a few or not enough of these coping mechanisms to equip us properly in adulthood. Sometimes we’ve even learned negative coping skills that do us more harm than good, such as using drugs, “stuffing” down our feelings, being physically aggressive or saying words that belittle or humiliate.

                      Healthy coping mechanisms help us make sense of confusing or threatening life experiences. They help us to respond appropriately in healthy ways. You’ve heard the saying “when life gives you lemons, make lemonade”? Well, that’s a coping skill: taking something negative and turning it into a positive. But in reality, nothing actually changes except how we view and handle the incident. In other words, life has still given us lemons. Instead of getting angry or depressed, feeling slighted or misunderstood, or letting it ruin our day, we can choose to look at it another way. We can see it as an opportunity to re-frame what happened and experience it in a way that feels better. We make lemonade.

                      butterfly-background-150x150 The Toolbox

                      Our coping skillset needs to adjust and adapt throughout the day, every day. That’s why we continually learn and rely on new ways of coping!

                      This toolbox blog will teach how to take potentially hurtful life experiences and view them in a healthier, more positive perspective. Without healthy coping skills, our perception of the world could become quite negative, and cause us to misinterpret accidents and intentions. We could easily become those people who see the drinking-glass as “half-empty” rather than “half-full”. That doesn’t sound like an enjoyable way to live, and I’m all for choosing “half-full.”

                      The great thing about coping skills is that anyone can learn new ones. It’s never too late! New coping techniques can be learned and improved at any age.  In this blog, I’ll refer to coping skills as our “emotional toolbox”. I like that analogy because I like the idea of having equipment or “gear” on board that I can pull out and use any time I need to.

                      We’ll use our toolboxes every day, all day long. When things get difficult or go wrong, we’ll have tools for handling whatever it is. Having a toolbox will help us handle difficult people, crises, toxic situations, unexpected events, personal and interpersonal problems, conflict and other life stressors.

                      Every article in this blog contains a tool or a set of tools. The tools are listed at the end of each post and you can add them to your own personal toolbox. Practice using them whenever life gives the opportunity!

                      Every tool is not for everybody. You don’t have to try every tool and you probably shouldn’t. Just go with your intuition when you’re trying to figure out if a tool might be helpful to you or not. Take the ones you’d like to try. Come back for more if you need to.

                      This is a safe space for learning, growing and helping each other. Please feel free to leave kind and constructive comments or feedback. Share some tools too if you’ve used them and they’ve helped you. 🙂

                      Here’s to all of our continued emotional growth and prosperity!

                      Tools:

                      Learn How to Recognize a Narcissist

                      Understand the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle

                      Learn about the Gray Rock technique

                      Learn to set boundaries 

                      Learn about dysfunctional family roles

                      Understand trauma bonds

                      Learn about codependency and maladaptive coping skills

                      Like these posts? Want more? Sign up to receive new posts every other Friday!

                      Your Free Gift:
                      Inner Child Healing (Guided Meditation mp3)

                        We respect your privacy. Unsubscribe at anytime.

                        More resources for healing from childhood trauma, abuse or neglect:

                        3-book-series-1024x1024 The Toolbox

                        Books by Diane Metcalf-Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism, the Lemon Moms Companion Workbook, and Lemon Moms: Life Altering Affirmations, Change Your Self-talk, Change YourSELF. Available on Amazon and wherever books are sold. (Kindle, paperback, audiobook.)

                        HOME

                        About the author

                        DIane-Amazon-profile-150x150 The Toolbox

                        As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf has developed strong coping skills and healing strategies. She happily shares those insights with others who want to learn and recover. 

                        Her books and articles are the results of her education, knowledge, and personal insight regarding her own abusive experiences and subsequent recovery work. She is no longer a practicing Social Worker, Counselor, Program Manager or Advocate, nor is she or has she ever been a licensed psychologist.

                        Diane is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer on the topics of domestic violence, abuse, and family dysfunction. Currently, she writes about toxic relationships and recovery tools. Diane holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and has worked in numerous fields, including domestic violence and abuse. She also holds a Master of Science degree in Information Technology.

                        Currently, Diane runs her own website design company, Image and Aspect, and writes articles and tutorials for Tips and Snips, her inspirational blog for creative people. She continues to learn and write about Emotional Healing.

                        This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

                        Connect with me!



                        • Twitter The Toolbox
                        • Linkedin The Toolbox
                        • Pinterest The Toolbox
                        • Facebook The Toolbox
                        • Instagram The Toolbox

                        Read more

                        -Diane, The Toxic Undo

                        Please share!

                        Reading time: 15 min

                        Do You Have Narcissistic Victim Syndrome?

                        FIND OUT HERE!

                        Recent Posts

                        • When Mother’s Day Hurts
                        • Healing Your Cognitive Dissonance
                        • We Change with Patience, Persistence and Practice
                        • How to Ditch Your Unsupportive Inner Dialogue
                        • Welcome

                        Older Posts

                        • May 2022
                        • April 2022
                        • March 2022
                        • February 2022
                        • January 2022
                        • December 2021
                        • November 2021
                        • October 2021
                        • September 2021
                        • August 2021
                        • July 2021
                        • June 2021
                        • May 2021
                        • April 2021
                        • March 2021
                        • February 2021
                        • January 2021
                        • December 2020
                        • November 2020
                        • October 2020
                        • September 2020
                        • August 2020
                        • July 2020
                        • June 2020
                        • May 2020
                        • April 2020
                        • March 2020
                        • February 2020
                        • January 2020
                        • December 2019
                        • November 2019
                        • October 2019
                        • September 2019
                        • August 2019
                        • July 2019
                        • June 2019
                        • May 2019
                        • April 2019
                        • March 2019
                        • February 2019
                        • January 2019

                        Categories

                        • Anger
                        • Boundaries
                        • C-PTSD
                        • Codependency
                        • Cognitive Dissonance
                        • Detaching
                        • Gaslighting
                        • Healing Affirmations
                        • Isolation
                        • Narcissism
                        • Resources
                        • Scapegoating
                        • Self Care
                        • Self-talk
                        • Trauma

                        © 2022 DianeMetcalf.com | Design by ImageandAspect.com | All Rights Reserved 
                         

                         

                        We use cookies to improve your experience. We'll assume you're ok with this, but you can opt-out if you wish. Cookie settingsI'd love some cookies!
                        Privacy & Cookies Policy

                        Privacy Overview

                        This website uses cookies to improve your experience while you navigate through the website. Out of these cookies, the cookies that are categorized as necessary are stored on your browser as they are as essential for the working of basic functionalities of the website. We also use third-party cookies that help us analyze and understand how you use this website. These cookies will be stored in your browser only with your consent. You also have the option to opt-out of these cookies. But opting out of some of these cookies may have an effect on your browsing experience.
                        Necessary
                        Always Enabled
                        Necessary cookies are absolutely essential for the website to function properly. This category only includes cookies that ensures basic functionalities and security features of the website. These cookies do not store any personal information.
                        SAVE & ACCEPT