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Free
SHOP AFFIRMATIONS
The Toolbox
  • Author Site
  • Lemon Moms Books
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Trauma
C-PTSD•Narcissism•Trauma

Welcome

A lone daisy facing the sky
March 1, 2022 by Diane M. Metcalf, MS No Comments

Welcome to The Toolbox! This is a safe space.

The TOOLBOX is a place to learn healthy coping skills and strategies, challenge your thinking and take back your personal power. It’s a place to begin healing and moving on from the effects of toxic people, unhealthy relationships, narcissists, and narcissistic mothers (“Lemon Moms.”)

What’s a Lemon Mom? A Lemon Mom has narcissistic traits; she may be on the narcissism spectrum or have full-blown, diagnosable Narcissistic Personality Disorder. She lacks the capacity to bond with, unconditionally love, nurture or accept her children, or provide them with a sense of safety or security. They grow up feeling “not good enough,” confused, unloved, misunderstood, unimportant, or invisible, and they often believe that they don’t really matter. They treat themselves accordingly as adults; disliking, ignoring, or neglecting themselves, taking unnecessary risks, being attracted to people who aren’t good for them, minimizing themselves so others can feel good, staying in hurtful relationships, putting themselves last on their priority list, or not at all.

On this site, diagnoses are irrelevant! If someone’s personality traits cause you pain or negatively impact your life, that’s what’s important to know and change. This site is about recognizing how someone’s toxicity, mental illness, or distorted thinking are affecting you, and applying what you learn to help improve your life and circumstances.

You don’t need a diagnosis to determine that a relationship is unhealthy or to start making positive changes for yourself.

I wrote the book “Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism” (and the rest of the lemon Moms series) as a way to safely walk through the chaos and confusion of narcissistic behavior; defining what it is, what it does, and more importantly, how to move on from its devastating effects. I use a laid-back narrative, personal examples, and action-oriented steps. I teach you how to decode the crazy-making behavior, use healthy coping skills and strategies to begin healing, and move forward to live your best life.

Much of what I write is a combination of my education, (a BA in Psychology, an MSIT, and years of experience in human service fields like domestic violence and abuse) my acquired knowledge, and my personal healing journey from childhood relational trauma. I hope you learn from and enjoy what’s here. I especially hope that you celebrate your progress and keep moving forward in your own healing journey.

Do the work.

Diane Metcalf

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    Reading time: 2 min
    Boundaries•Healing Affirmations•Self Care•Trauma

    How to Finally Get Unstuck and Move Forward

    We Can Change
    December 31, 2021 by Diane M. Metcalf, MS No Comments

    It feels like everywhere I look at there are articles and posts about manifesting a better future by using the “Law of Attraction.”

    The Law of Attraction suggests that thinking positive thoughts can bring about positive effects and that holding negative thoughts can bring adverse outcomes. This law is based on the belief that thoughts are a form of energy; so positive thoughts attract positive energy, and vice versa.

    Human beings are energy fields, and every human body is made of energy-producing particles in constant motion. So, everything in existence, including us humans, vibrates at particular frequencies and creates energy. (Srinivasan 2010.)

    There’s growing evidence that our body’s own electrical and magnetic energy can stimulate chemical processes that influence our health and wellbeing. “Vibrational medicine,” also called energy medicine, strives to use the energy generated by and around a person’s body to optimize their health. So, the Law of Attraction is backed by science.

    Affirmations and the Law of Attraction

    Affirmations are positive statements made in the present tense that impact our conscious and subconscious minds. By saying them regularly, we can raise our vibrational frequency. The Law of Attraction states that “like attracts like.” Therefore, when you begin vibrating in a higher, more positive frequency, you will start attracting higher-vibrational people and opportunities into your life.

    Positive affirmations are a “self-talk approach” for creating a positive, motivating outlook on life while becoming your authentic self. We are more easily able to connect with our authentic selves when our vibrations are high. Unfortunately, unhealthy, unsupportive inner dialogue can remain our default mode when we are not vibrating highly.

    But what is a vibration? How do you know if you are vibrating highly or not? Well, everything has a vibrational frequency. Quantum physics can illustrate this, but all that’s really required is remembering the basics.

    Remember learning about atoms and molecules in school? Atoms and molecules come together to create matter as solids, liquids, or gases. Atoms, the smallest indivisible units of matter, are made of energy and are constantly vibrating. Since atoms are made of vibrating energy, and all matter is made of atoms, all matter is made of energy, and all matter is vibrating. You don’t have to see vibrations to know they’re there. Have you ever walked into a room and felt its vibe? If you have, you’ve intuitively sensed whether the people in the room were getting along, were uncomfortable, excited, sad, or happy. When you walk into a room, and it “feels” a certain way, you’ve picked up on its vibration. And when you meet a person and immediately feel connected, it’s because you are most likely vibrating similarly!

    Our vibrations are continually changing, shifting with our moods, health, and according to the energy that surrounds us.

    We can choose whether we would like to vibrate higher or lower than our current state of being. When you vibrate at a lower frequency, it feels heavy, and when you’re vibrating at a higher frequency, you feel lighter, at ease, happy, and at peace. Vibrating at a higher frequency feels good! Focusing on that which brings us joy and happiness raises our vibrational frequency, and when we get ourselves into a higher vibration, we let go of that which no longer serves us.

    When you begin releasing everything that weighs you down to maintain a higher frequency or vibration, you will experience more positive emotions. Feeling good will be your default state of being.

    To help you better understand how your feelings vibrate, Abraham-Hicks has created the “emotional guidance scale” below. The feelings listed are ranked from highest to lowest vibrating. They give an idea of how you might be vibrating at any given time:

    • Joy/apprehension/empowerment/freedom/love
    • Passion
    • Enthusiasm/eagerness/happiness
    • Positive expectations/belief
    • Optimism
    • Hopefulness
    • Contentment
    • Boredom
    • Pessimism
    • Frustration/irritation/impatience
    • Overwhelm
    • Disappointment
    • Doubt
    • Worry
    • Blame
    • Discouragement
    • Anger
    • Revenge
    • Hatred/rage
    • Jealousy
    • Insecurity/guilt/unworthiness
    • Fear/grief/depression/despair/powerlessness

    Affirmations raise your vibration when you’re stuck in a low vibrational pattern like fear, worry, anxiety, doubt, and powerlessness. They are a powerful tool for manifesting change and lifting your attitude at the same time. Speaking positive affirmations is one of the quickest ways to raise your vibration!

    As you continue to use affirmations, your vibration will increase, and you’ll notice that you feel happier and more peaceful.  You’ll begin to attain your goals, fulfill your desires, and attract the people and experiences you want.

    blog-sunrise-300x168 How to Finally Get Unstuck and Move Forward

    Let’s Get High

    When we hold highly vibrating thoughts, feelings and behaviors, we naturally start to vibrate accordingly. When we vibrate at a higher frequency, we feel a sense of peace and connectedness to everything. We worry less because we’re confident, knowing everything in life is as it should be, and getting better in every way.

    By speaking affirmations every day, you’ll become consciously aware of your thoughts, attitudes, choices, and behaviors. You’ll notice where changes are happening and where changes still need to happen. You’ll feel more positive energy, and you’ll attract more positivity in the form of people and opportunities.

    Additional benefits:

    Mindfulness

    When implementing any change, you must be aware of the change you want to make throughout the day, every day, for it to be successful. You must intentionally commit to making the change every day.

    What do you want to change about yourself? Do you have personality traits or characteristics that you don’t like, criticize, judge, or loathe? Maybe you have habits or perceived shortcomings that you’d like to give up?  Is there an aspect of your life that you want to develop? Your answers to questions like these can give you ideas about the kinds of positive affirmations that you can create.

    Thoughts Become Things

    When we hold low vibrational thoughts and beliefs, we lower our vibration, inevitably hampering our affirmation’s likelihood of success. This is because our subconscious minds accept any repeated declaration as truth, even when these affirmations are negative. Be aware of your negative thoughts.

    We use affirmations to change the way we think about ourselves. Affirmations remind us of our highest potential, and our vibrational frequency must increase to match that potential. You must raise your vibration to align with your goals when you’re manifesting your best life.

    We know that affirmations are more likely to work when they vibrate highly. That’s because highly vibrating affirmations attract what we’ve always wanted but believed we couldn’t have. If your affirmations don’t vibrate highly, rewrite them.

    When you’ve learned how to write and use affirmations correctly, you will start manifesting your goals. As your vibration increases, you’ll become aware of your daily thoughts and practices, and you’ll begin living in alignment with the life you’re trying to create.

    As you write and speak your affirmations, focus on gratitude, love (including self-love), optimism, and spiritual guidance. This practice will further increase your vibrational frequency.

    After you write an affirmation, take a look at it, say it, and see how it feels. It should vibrate highly. Keep working on it until it does.

    To achieve the life you want, you will need to write robust, highly vibrating affirmations, and believe these declarations to already be true. If you don’t write your affirmations correctly, saying them can be an absolute waste of time. Find out more about how to write affirmations that work in Lemon Moms Life-Altering Affirmations: Change your self-talk, change yourSELF

    More tools for healing:

    Learn about dysfunctional family roles

    Learn about codependency 

    Learn coping skills for the holidays and family visits

    Learn why what you tell yourself matters

    Learn why verbal abuse hurts us

    Learn how to protect yourself with boundaries 

    Learn about the narcissistic abuse cycle

    Learn about Narcissism Awareness Grief

    More Resources You May Like:

    2-1024x1024 How to Finally Get Unstuck and Move Forward

    I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self

    A Workbook and Journal

    How to write the highest vibrating, most powerful affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things

    Sold worldwide in any bookstore.

    Quick links:

    Barnes and Noble
    Amazon
    Walmart
    Author Site

    Join the Free Email Survival Course:

    Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward

    from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.

    Private Facebook group included for members only.

    Register Here!
    Free 8-week email Survival Course

      I respect your privacy. Unsubscribe at anytime.

      There’s an app for that!

      Get THE TOOLBOX APP

      for instant information, support, and validation!

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      The Lemon Moms Series:

      B&N
      Kindle
      Audible
      Amazon
      Nook
      Google
      Apple

      Available formats: eBook, audiobook, hardcover, paperback, and large print too!

      All are available worldwide at your favorite bookstore!

      If not stocked, store copies may be ordered through the global distributor, IngramSpark.

      For ordering through Amazon in the US and other countries:

      Amazon US, Amazon UK,  Amazon Germany, Amazon France, Amazon Italy, Amazon Japan, Amazon Canada, Amazon Australia, Amazon Netherlands, Amazon Spain

      In the US? No Amazon Prime? Buy directly from the author to

      GET FREE SHIPPING (U.S.)

      Get the TOOLBOX articles twice monthly to your inbox!

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        Visit Author’s Site

        About the Author

        Facetune_06-05-2021-18-24-57 How to Finally Get Unstuck and Move Forward

        As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping skills and healing strategies for herself. She happily shares those with others who want to learn and grow. 

        Her Lemon Moms series and other books and articles are a combination of her education, knowledge, personal growth, and insight from her childhood experiences and subsequent recovery work.

        Diane holds a Master of Science degree in Information Technology and a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology. She’s worked in numerous fields, including domestic violence and abuse, and is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer about family dysfunction. On The Toolbox, she writes about recovery strategies from hurtful people and painful, dysfunctional, or toxic relationships. She has authored four transformational books about healing and moving forward from narcissistic Victim Syndrome.

        Visit her author’s site here: DianeMetcalf.com

        Learn about the Lemon Moms series here: Lemon Moms

        This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

        Read more
        Reading time: 6 min
        C-PTSD•Cognitive Dissonance•Scapegoating•Trauma

        How the Silent Treatment Causes Emotional Damage

        mouth covered by tape
        July 19, 2021 by Diane M. Metcalf, MS No Comments

        Narcissists love the silent treatment. It’s their secret weapon when they want to manipulate and hurt in a big way. Using the silent treatment is a way to inflict pain without causing visible evidence.

        Research shows that when we ignore or exclude someone, it activates the same part of their brain as physical pain does. Narcissists instinctively know that this manipulative technique is extremely hurtful. It’s traumatic to those it’s inflicted upon (Eisenberger et al. 2004).

        Because I write about narcissistic mothers, I’ll note here that a narcissistic mother gets her sense of self through her children. She needs to protect her self-image and her reputation as a loving, caring mother, so her children are a necessary part of her identity. This is why the silent treatment is so meaningful to her. To a narcissistic mother, when she uses the silent treatment, it’s as if she’s cutting off a very displeasing part of herself and, at the same time, understands how painful it feels to the person she’s shunning. I’ve heard others remark that my mother was the kind of person who would cut off her nose to spite her face. Win at any cost, right?

        The Stone Wall

        The silent treatment is a punishment that consists of “hurt and rescue.” It can continue for months or even years and is often used to teach a lesson or to manipulate behavior (Eisenberger et al. 2004). For those of us who’ve been subjected to this form of abuse, it kept us anxious by triggering our fear of abandonment. (Saeed, K. 2019).

        When I was seventeen, I endured my mother’s silent treatment for a little over three months. She had given me the silent treatment before, and she would again, but this instance lasted the longest. For the entire three months, I was met with stony silence any time I attempted to interact with her. She would not make eye contact with me. There was no acknowledgment that I existed whatsoever.

        I broke our silent relationship now and again, testing to see if she would respond, and each time I was met with cold rejection. The message was loud and clear that she was not finished punishing me, and my attempts were not going to have an effect. It was as if I was invisible. I remember needing affirmation from others that they could see me and that I existed. I felt like I was heading into insanity.

        One day, as mysteriously as the silent treatment had started, it ended. When my mother broke the silence and spoke to me, it was some little unimportant phrase that had no real significance, but it indicated the shunning was over.

        I couldn’t figure out what I had done to offend or anger my mother, to cause her to take such extreme action as the silent treatment. I spent an excessive amount of time obsessing about it, replaying scenarios and conversations repeatedly, looking for the cause. I never found it, and of course, we never discussed what happened. If I was supposed to learn a lesson, I never knew what it was. Maybe the whole thing was nothing more than a show of power, meant to demoralize and unsettle me. It remains a mystery to this day.

        fractured-face How the Silent Treatment Causes Emotional Damage

        Punitive Silence

        When a person is actively ignored, it causes such psychological and emotional anguish that it can actually be seen on brain scans (Pune Mirror 2019). The silent treatment triggers a fear of abandonment, which is very frightening, but for children like me who’d already been abandoned by one parent, it is unbearable. I was obsessed with thoughts like, “Who will take care of me?” “Will I ever matter?” “Will I ever be safe?” “Will anyone ever love me?”

        The fear of abandonment causes anxiety, worry, sleep loss, and inability to concentrate. Imagine trying to learn in school or study for tests while being actively ignored and rejected by a parent. With every silent treatment, we go deeper into survival mode, and we can experience panic attacks, appetite loss, binge-eating, racing heartbeat, nightmares, depression, confusion, and obsessive thinking. With each, we learn to focus more on our mother’s behavior and her needs. We learn to provide what she needs and wants because we fear we’ll be emotionally or physically abandoned again. The need to please and appease her becomes overblown.

        A narcissistic mom understands that she’ll get away with rejecting and shunning because, as children, we have no choice but to welcome her back when she decides to return to our lives. We need her, after all, and she knows it. When she’s ready to acknowledge us again, we’re so happy, aren’t we?

        The narcissistic mom likes knowing how hurt we are by her silent treatment. Our pain demonstrates to her that she is all-powerful and can devastate us if and when she chooses. It’s a great form of narcissistic supply.

        Every time we go through the silent treatment, we’re diminished. Each time we endure active ignoring, we question our self-worth. Our self-esteem and self-image are further eroded, and our fear of abandonment escalates. Despite our accomplishments, acknowledgments, or friendships, we find ourselves desperate for our mother’s approval, which is, of course, always out of reach. We may come close, but we never quite make it.

        We eventually accept that we aren’t worthy of her love or attention. We settle for any crumbs of affection or attention we can get from her. We learn that we’re somehow inferior and will never be able to please her, although we should continue trying.

        This repeated process is called “trauma bonding” and is another example of the powerful emotional bonds created between abuser and abused. Over time, trauma bonds become very resistant to change, contributing to the development of a codependent relationship.

        Tools:

        Set boundaries 

        Understand the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle

        Learn about codependency

        Let go of what you can’t control using loving-detachment

        Learn about expectations

        Conscious awareness:  Be aware and make conscious choices before acting. Self-awareness releases us from making impulsive and potentially damaging decisions.

        Self-care: We are in control of ourselves and no one is responsible for us but us. We can only choose to focus on and be responsible for ourselves, our own thoughts, actions, and behavior. We can change ourselves with patience, persistence, and practice. When we take responsibility for getting our needs met, instead of waiting for someone to change or meet our needs for us, we are healing.

        More Resources You May Like:

        2-1024x1024 How the Silent Treatment Causes Emotional Damage

        I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self

        A Workbook and Journal

        How to write the highest vibrating, most powerful affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things

        Sold worldwide in any bookstore.

        Quick links:

        Barnes and Noble
        Amazon
        Walmart
        Author Site

        Join the Free Email Survival Course:

        Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward

        from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.

        Private Facebook group included for members only.

        Register Here!
        Free 8-week email Survival Course

          I respect your privacy. Unsubscribe at anytime.

          There’s an app for that!

          Get THE TOOLBOX APP

          for instant information, support, and validation!

          splashscreen-mobile-app-1-1024x1024 How the Silent Treatment Causes Emotional Damage
          GOOGLEPLAY-EMBLEM How the Silent Treatment Causes Emotional Damage
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          KINDLE-HiDef-3-book-series-2566-x-3846-px-683x1024 How the Silent Treatment Causes Emotional Damage

          The Lemon Moms Series:

          B&N
          Kindle
          Audible
          Amazon
          Nook
          Google
          Apple

          Available formats: eBook, audiobook, hardcover, paperback, and large print too!

          All are available worldwide at your favorite bookstore!

          If not stocked, store copies may be ordered through the global distributor, IngramSpark.

          For ordering through Amazon in the US and other countries:

          Amazon US, Amazon UK,  Amazon Germany, Amazon France, Amazon Italy, Amazon Japan, Amazon Canada, Amazon Australia, Amazon Netherlands, Amazon Spain

          In the US? No Amazon Prime? Buy directly from the author to

          GET FREE SHIPPING (U.S.)

          Get the TOOLBOX articles twice monthly to your inbox!

          Your Free Gift:
          Inner Child Healing Meditation mp3

            We respect your privacy. Unsubscribe at anytime.


            Visit Author’s Site

            About the Author

            Facetune_06-05-2021-18-24-57 How the Silent Treatment Causes Emotional Damage

            As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping skills and healing strategies for herself. She happily shares those with others who want to learn and grow. 

            Her Lemon Moms series and other books and articles are a combination of her education, knowledge, personal growth, and insight from her childhood experiences and subsequent recovery work.

            Diane holds a Master of Science degree in Information Technology and a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology. She’s worked in numerous fields, including domestic violence and abuse, and is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer about family dysfunction. On The Toolbox, she writes about recovery strategies from hurtful people and painful, dysfunctional, or toxic relationships. She has authored four transformational books about healing and moving forward from narcissistic Victim Syndrome.

            Visit her author’s site here: DianeMetcalf.com

            Learn about the Lemon Moms series here: Lemon Moms

            This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

             

            Read more

            Please share!

            Reading time: 5 min
            C-PTSD•Codependency•Trauma

            Trauma Bonds

            Hands tied with rope
            February 15, 2021 by Diane M. Metcalf, MS No Comments

            If you suffer from narcissistic abuse syndrome, you are dealing with trauma bonds, as well.

            What is a Trauma Bond?

            Trauma bonds occurs over time through the use of “intermittent reinforcement,” which is a type of behavioral “conditioning” where a reward (or a punishment) is given irregularly instead of every time the desired behavior is observed. In other words, periods of abuse are interspersed with periods of kindness (or the absence of cruelty). This cycle of “always guessing” keeps the target on high alert in survival mode. They never know when the abuser will be cruel or kind. It’s like a game of chance, like playing slot machines or Bingo. Sometimes you win, and sometimes you lose, but it’s the possibility of winning that keeps you going back for more.

            Any behavior that keeps you on high alert, or focused on your mother’s behavior, is capable of forming trauma bonds.

            How are Trauma Bonds Created?

            Trauma bonds are created in several ways:

            Love bombing: The love bombing dynamic occurs when a narcissist, including narcissistic mothers, unexpectedly showers you with love, attention, kindness, or affection. Love bombing comes in various forms—gift-giving, forgiveness for past “offenses,” anything that makes you feel validated or special. Love bombing helps form a trauma bond because it’s a form of intermittent reinforcement: you never know when it will happen.

            Verbal abuse: Shouting, name-calling, sarcastic comments, character assassination, backhanded compliments, insults, demeaning remarks, “put-downs” and shaming are some examples of verbal abuse. The abuse happens on an irregular schedule, so it’s a form of intermittent reinforcement (spoken cruelty interspersed with periods of civility and kindness.) The resulting shame causes a trauma bond.

            Positive reinforcement: Although it sounds healthy, positive reinforcement can also create trauma bonds. When a person, (including children) is rewarded for doing something they didn’t want to do, or obeying without question, there’s a trauma bond created. Healthy relationships don’t require rewards.

            Victim blaming: When a narcissist blames their target (or the narcissist mother blames her child) for the cruelty inflicted upon them, they will likely believe they deserve it, because they’ve been conditioned to. This belief establishes a trauma bond.

            Silent treatment: When a narcissist purposefully ignores you, that causes feelings of helpless, anxiety, and fear of abandonment. Having no control over the situation, you’ll focus on the narcissist and wait for their acceptance, however long it takes.

            “Moving goalposts” (aka changing the goal): Narcissists often redefine or change their expectations, sometimes several times, during any interaction. Doing this ensures a frustrating encounter for those involved. A narcissist, (including narcissist mothers) is never satisfied, and keeping you emotionally invested in their happiness creates trauma bonds.

            If you struggle with narcissistic abuse syndrome you’ll often doubt your self-worth and sanity. Targets of narcissistic abuse tend to focus on their faults, failures, and inadequacies, whether they’re real or not. Sometimes these “deficiencies” began as an idea expressed by the vocal narcissist.

            There are several symptoms of narcissistic abuse syndrome. Many of these are the same as those of complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD,) which affects people who’ve experienced serious traumas.

            pexels-karolina-grabowska-4379912 Trauma Bonds

            Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome symptoms include:

            • Accepting an imbalanced sense of responsibility
            • Intrusive, or unwanted thoughts
            • Unhealed triggers (physical and emotional responses to similar past traumatic situations)
            • Flashbacks or nightmares where the target emotionally re-lives a traumatic experience
            • Avoiding people, places or conditions linked to the narcissist or the traumatic event
            • Feeling isolated, abandoned, or detached
            • Feeling alert or hyper-vigilant, or easily startled (“fight or flight”)
            • Negative thoughts about self and world
            • Insecurity
            • Shame
            • Accepting misplaced blame
            • Difficulty concentrating or sleeping
            • Depression
            • Self-destructive behaviors
            • Involvement in abusive romantic relationships
            • Lost trust in family or friends
            • Feeling worthless or unworthy
            • Lost sense of self
            • Holding the narcissist in high esteem
            • Doubting their judgment and decision-making skills
            • Ignoring their own needs
            • Devaluing or minimizing their contributions to relationships
            • Making excuses for a narcissist’s behavior
            • Continually trying to please the narcissist
            • Attachment issues
            • Weak boundaries
            • Addictions
            • Anxiety
            • Perfectionism

            If you constantly wonder about your narcissist’s emotional state, for example, what will he/she be like today? Should you try to avoid them? Or do you frequently-

            • think about what you could be (or should be) doing differently to please them?
            • believe your relationship problems are all your fault?
            • deal with mood swings, lost sleep, anxiety, apprehension?

            These are all symptoms of Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome, and if you have any of them you may also have trauma bonds. The good news is that you can detach from the abuse and heal. Keep learning and doing the work.

            Tools for healing:

            Learn about setting boundaries 

            Learn about codependency and maladaptive coping skills

            Understand the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle

            Learn how to stop being a source of narcissistic supply

            Learn about dysfunctional family roles

            Try Expressive Writing

            More Resources You May Like:

            2-1024x1024 Trauma Bonds

            I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self

            A Workbook and Journal

            How to write the highest vibrating, most powerful affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things

            Sold worldwide in any bookstore.

            Quick links:

            Barnes and Noble
            Amazon
            Walmart
            Author Site

            Join the Free Email Survival Course:

            Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward

            from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.

            Private Facebook group included for members only.

            Register Here!
            Free 8-week email Survival Course

              I respect your privacy. Unsubscribe at anytime.

              There’s an app for that!

              Get THE TOOLBOX APP

              for instant information, support, and validation!

              splashscreen-mobile-app-1-1024x1024 Trauma Bonds
              GOOGLEPLAY-EMBLEM Trauma Bonds
              app-store-logo Trauma Bonds
              KINDLE-HiDef-3-book-series-2566-x-3846-px-683x1024 Trauma Bonds

              The Lemon Moms Series:

              B&N
              Kindle
              Audible
              Amazon
              Nook
              Google
              Apple

              Available formats: eBook, audiobook, hardcover, paperback, and large print too!

              All are available worldwide at your favorite bookstore!

              If not stocked, store copies may be ordered through the global distributor, IngramSpark.

              For ordering through Amazon in the US and other countries:

              Amazon US, Amazon UK,  Amazon Germany, Amazon France, Amazon Italy, Amazon Japan, Amazon Canada, Amazon Australia, Amazon Netherlands, Amazon Spain

              In the US? No Amazon Prime? Buy directly from the author to

              GET FREE SHIPPING (U.S.)

              Get the TOOLBOX articles twice monthly to your inbox!

              Your Free Gift:
              Inner Child Healing Meditation mp3

                We respect your privacy. Unsubscribe at anytime.


                Visit Author’s Site

                About the Author

                Facetune_06-05-2021-18-24-57 Trauma Bonds

                As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping skills and healing strategies for herself. She happily shares those with others who want to learn and grow. 

                Her Lemon Moms series and other books and articles are a combination of her education, knowledge, personal growth, and insight from her childhood experiences and subsequent recovery work.

                Diane holds a Master of Science degree in Information Technology and a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology. She’s worked in numerous fields, including domestic violence and abuse, and is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer about family dysfunction. On The Toolbox, she writes about recovery strategies from hurtful people and painful, dysfunctional, or toxic relationships. She has authored four transformational books about healing and moving forward from narcissistic Victim Syndrome.

                Visit her author’s site here: DianeMetcalf.com

                Learn about the Lemon Moms series here: Lemon Moms

                This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

                Read more

                Please share!

                Reading time: 4 min
                Narcissism•Scapegoating•Trauma

                Dysfunctional Roles: Golden, Invisible and Scapegoat

                angry mom
                December 2, 2020 by Diane M. Metcalf, MS No Comments

                Whether You’re Golden, Invisible, or a Scapegoat, it’s All About Control

                The word “abuse” is full of shame. Using that word regarding childhood experiences might feel like a massive exaggeration of what happened and a handy but sad excuse for unresolved issues. When we use the word “abuse,” it feels like attention and sympathy-seeking. It feels like “poor me; I’m a helpless victim.”

                We may intentionally minimize our painful childhood experiences because we don’t want to think of our mothers as “abusers” or ourselves as unwitting targets. Having those kinds of thoughts can cause us to feel more ashamed, and that affects our core identity. Those of us who’ve experienced traumatic childhood events at the hands of our mothers may feel a sense of disgust or humiliation in addition to shame, and we see ourselves in a negative light when we compare ourselves with others.

                The Three, Interchangeable Roles

                There’s a particularly dysfunctional family dynamic in which one of the children becomes “idealized,” the clear parental favorite, known as the “Golden Child,” and the other children take turns being devalued and blamed. They’re known as “Invisible Children” and the “Scapegoats” (Streep 2017). A narcissist-mom controls these roles.

                The roles of the Golden Child, Invisible Child, and Scapegoat are flexible. Any role can be assigned to any child at any time, depending on the mother’s mood. It’s a “crazy-making” situation because the mom has the unchallenged power to change the entire family dynamic quickly and unpredictably. For those of us in this position, it catches us unaware and unprepared.

                The Golden Child: The Golden Child’s role is to bring positive attention to the mother and the family. They are the favorite, and as such, may have a special status and receive more attention and praise. They’re the ones that get bragged about. They make the narcissistic mom look great as a mother. Even so, she will always take some credit for their accomplishments. When they walk into the room, mom’s focus is on them. Golden Children may grow up to be adults who are compulsive overachievers or perfectionists who feel a loss of identity and have low self-esteem.

                “Forms of idealizing include praise, attention, and bragging. Types of devaluing include criticizing, blaming, shaming, lying about, lying to, intentionally frightening, projecting, and gaslighting.”

                The Invisible Child (aka Lost Child): The Invisible Child “stays under the radar,” follows the rules unquestioningly, is quiet, and is easy-going. Invisible Children are often taken for granted, and their needs are neglected because they never complain or ask for anything. Invisible Children may internalize a sense of having no impact on others, or that their input does not matter. They may grow up to feel insignificant and inconsequential because their sense of identity has not fully developed (Stines, 2018).

                girl-face Dysfunctional Roles: Golden, Invisible and Scapegoat

                The Scapegoat: The Scapegoat’s role is to bear the blame for all of the family’s problems. They are the butt of jokes and get less of everything than the other siblings. They are seen as the problem child. Scapegoats often grow up to become the ones who speak up and challenge the dysfunction. They’re the ones telling the truth about what’s going on in the family and will act out the frustration, anger, and feelings of the entire family (Cole 2019).

                When we suddenly and unexpectedly become the Scapegoat, it leaves us wondering what the heck just happened. Was it something I said (or didn’t mention or was supposed to mention)? Was it something I did (or didn’t do or did but not correctly)? If not me, then who or what was it? Was it another family member? A friend? Her boss? The traffic? Did something happen at work? Was it the weather? Maybe it was a coworker. Or her supervisor. Perhaps it was the cat? Or something she got (or didn’t get) in the mail?

                When I found myself in the Scapegoat position, I could literally spend hours trying to figure out why. I wanted and needed to fix it, or at least to understand what had so hugely affected my position within the family. I wanted to attempt to control it and not let it happen again.

                A sudden change in family positions is upsetting. These random role reversals affect our sense of observation, decision-making, and self-trust because we never know if the explanation we’re giving ourselves is accurate. And we’re continuously guessing our current standing within the family. And if we’re the Golden Child, we’re also appeasing and pleasing our mom because we don’t want to lose that privilege.

                “Narcissistic mothers revel in generating competition between their children and emotionally distancing them from one another.”

                Living with a narcissistic mother has been described as “living in a war zone.” Those of us who’ve lived under those circumstances were usually on high alert, in fight-or-flight survival mode, because we had no idea when the next attack or role reversal would happen. It meant we were continuously producing stress hormones like adrenaline and cortisol, so it was a common occurrence to feel confused or experience scattered thinking, and have difficulty making decisions, or remembering. Eventually, we became emotionally and physically exhausted.

                There are other subtle ways that narcissistic mothers attempt to control or manipulate their children:

                • Belittling, criticizing, and name-calling
                • Patronizing and being condescending
                • Publicly or privately embarrassing their children
                • Threatening their children in some way
                • Ordering their children to do things, taking away their choices
                • Controlling money or access to it
                • Monitoring and controlling whereabouts
                • Exhibiting scary, emotional outbursts
                • Acting on jealousy
                • Using manipulative or guilt-inducing ploys
                • Isolating children from friends, family members, or social connections
                • Being indifferent to her children’s needs
                • Denying or trivializing feelings

                Any combination of these behaviors can result in lowering or destroying a child’s self-esteem and cause them to feel unnecessary fear and shame (McBride 2018).

                AA-mother-daughter Dysfunctional Roles: Golden, Invisible and Scapegoat

                Why It Happens

                Because narcissistic mothers are so controlling, they need to have reasons that explain undesirable happenings, and they insist on having a person to hold accountable. This phenomenon is known as scapegoating.

                When a narcissistic mom protects her ego from her own unlikeable qualities, she “projects” them onto the Scapegoat child. There is a risk of neglect, maltreatment, abuse, blame, shame, or even physical violence to these children as a result. She’ll play a game of “whose fault is it? I know it’s not mine” (Brenner et al. 2018). The scapegoating practice happens in dysfunctional families, with the role of the scapegoat being either temporary or permanent. The scapegoat is the “fall guy,” the person who gets blamed for offenses and injustices that happen to anyone in the family. Family members, except for the narcissistic mom, often take turns playing the scapegoat role, and at any given time, the mom determines who the scapegoat is.

                Tactics like scapegoating are all attempts of the mother to maintain control. When a narcissistic mom feels like she’s losing control over her kids, she will often lash out in vengeful ways, subtly or with direct hostility. Narcissistic mothers are highly reactive to any threat or challenge to their power. They have a sense of entitlement, ownership, and possession of their kids.

                More Manipulative Tactics

                There is a multitude of ways that a narcissistic mother can emotionally injure her children. I believe these behaviors are the result of other, often unrelated issues, such as:

                1. She’s not articulate or doesn’t have a strong vocabulary, so she’s not able to accurately express or describe what she’s thinking or feeling.
                2. She doesn’t know how to identify her emotions.
                3. She hasn’t had an emotionally healthy upbringing, or she hasn’t witnessed emotionally healthy relationships.
                4. She’s emotionally immature and can’t regulate her emotions.
                5. She hasn’t personally experienced or learned strong parenting skills.

                Narcissistic mothers manipulate and control their children in a variety of ways:

                • Withholding affection, affirmation, validation, attention, encouragement, praise, and other self-esteem building behaviors
                • Exhibiting intense and scary displays of emotion and drama (“narcissistic rages”)
                • Verbally abusing them with insults, criticism, and name-calling
                • Threatening violence (may or may not be carried out)
                • Maintaining a victim mentality
                • Rejection
                • Lying
                • Giving the “silent treatment” as a form of punishment
                • Exercising a “selective memory”
                • Gaslighting to control perceptions and memories

                I’m personally familiar with all of these tactics. Gaslighting is the one that harmed me the most. It’s an extremely emotionally and mentally destructive form of manipulation.

                Even though most of the above-listed behaviors are not physically hurtful, each one can activate the pain centers in the human brain. Research in the field of neuroscience shows us that even perceived rejection activates the area of the brain where pain is felt (Eisenberger et al. 2004). The point is that verbal abuse, threats, rejection, and other forms of emotional mistreatment do hurt us.

                “Stirring the Pot” (Triangulation)

                A narcissistic mother revels in generating competition between her children and emotionally distancing them from one another. These moms enjoy creating distrust, doubt, insecurity, competition, and resentment between siblings. As I’ve mentioned, this is called triangulation. It’s also a manipulative tactic, used to control information or interactions between individuals.

                A therapist once suggested that triangulation was a form of entertainment for my mom. She liked creating drama. She’d stir up trouble, then sit back and enjoy the show. For example, my mom would say one thing to me, putting a specific person in a negative light, and then she’d provide a slightly different version, with me as the “bad guy,” to the other person. When we sensed that something negative was happening between us, but not of our own doing, the other person and I began communicating directly with each other. We compared the different versions of my mother’s stories and soon came to realize that we were being manipulated seemingly for my mother’s amusement. I informed my mother that we were aware of what she was doing. Of course, she flipped the scenario, instantly becoming the innocent victim, but the triangulation stopped pretty much immediately.

                More on Triangulation later.


                 

                Tools for healing:

                Conscious awareness:  Be aware and make conscious choices before acting. Self-awareness releases us from making impulsive and potentially damaging decisions.

                Learn how to practice mindfulness.

                Understand the Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse

                Learn about setting boundaries 

                Learn about codependency and other unhelpful coping skills

                Learn about Narcissism Awareness Grief

                More Resources You May Like:

                2-1024x1024 Dysfunctional Roles: Golden, Invisible and Scapegoat

                I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self

                A Workbook and Journal

                How to write the highest vibrating, most powerful affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things

                Sold worldwide in any bookstore.

                Quick links:

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                Amazon
                Walmart
                Author Site

                Join the Free Email Survival Course:

                Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward

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                    About the Author

                    Facetune_06-05-2021-18-24-57 Dysfunctional Roles: Golden, Invisible and Scapegoat

                    As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping skills and healing strategies for herself. She happily shares those with others who want to learn and grow. 

                    Her Lemon Moms series and other books and articles are a combination of her education, knowledge, personal growth, and insight from her childhood experiences and subsequent recovery work.

                    Diane holds a Master of Science degree in Information Technology and a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology. She’s worked in numerous fields, including domestic violence and abuse, and is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer about family dysfunction. On The Toolbox, she writes about recovery strategies from hurtful people and painful, dysfunctional, or toxic relationships. She has authored four transformational books about healing and moving forward from narcissistic Victim Syndrome.

                    Visit her author’s site here: DianeMetcalf.com

                    Learn about the Lemon Moms series here: Lemon Moms

                    This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

                     

                    Read more

                    Please share!

                    Reading time: 8 min
                    Gaslighting•Narcissism•Trauma

                    Do you have superpowers? You might be surprised

                    superpowers
                    July 12, 2020 by Diane Metcalf, MS No Comments

                    Developing superpowers as a result of growing up with a toxic person

                    Have you ever thought about how someone’s toxicity has affected you?

                    I have. If you have too, you might’ve first realized all of the negative ways your life was impacted by someone else’s untreated issues, faulty perceptions, or negativity.

                    But what if you turned those around and gave them a positive spin?

                    This list was compiled from responses given in a support group for Scapegoat Adult Children of Narcissists. They were asked the question: What superpowers have you developed because you lived with a mentally ill, dysfunctional, or toxic person?

                    superpower Do you have superpowers? You might be surprised

                    Here are some of the responses these incredible people provided. I hope this list gives you a new sense of personal power and helps you recognize more of what makes you awesome!

                    Claim your superpowers

                    • Dark sense of humor
                    • Able to sense toxic people
                    • Able to detect mental illness or something mentally wrong with a person.
                    • Able to read body language
                    • Able to sense danger
                    • Fierce independence
                    • Resourcefulness
                    • Resilience
                    • Psychoanalyze everyone
                    • Strong intuition
                    • Self-sufficiency
                    • Good at pretending to be asleep
                    • Self mothering/nurturing
                    • Anticipate multiple outcomes and is prepared for almost anything
                    • Comfortable being alone
                    • Able to tolerate high stress
                    • Know when something bad is going to happen
                    • Feel other peoples energy
                    • Feel calm in an emergency or crisis
                    • Able to figure out complicated things
                    • Nurturing
                    • Patient
                    • Able to read micro facial expressions 
                    • Able to detect changes in people’s energy
                    • Can hone in on certain sounds: keys, footsteps, voices, car engines
                    • Move stealthily/silently
                    • Become invisible/unnoticeable
                    • Able to sneeze, cough and cry silently
                    • Good at keeping other’s secrets
                    • Empathic
                    • Remember every detail of events and conversations because of former gaslighting
                    • Great at dealing with angry people
                    • Ability to sense a con-artist
                    • Great at cleaning
                    • Great at anything to do with image: designing, decorating, clothing, accessorizing
                    • Great at detecting narcissists
                    • Able to hide emotions
                    • Able to detect untrustworthy people
                    • Able to lie well if needed
                    • Able to manipulate others if needed
                    • Very discerning
                    • Well organized
                    • Able to admit when wrong
                    • Resourceful
                    • Quick thinking
                    • Able to escape situations
                    • Able to see other’s perspectives
                    • Able to manage people
                    • Able to emotionally detach
                    • Able to tune people out
                    • Can switch emotions on and off
                    • Adapt to any surroundings
                    • Able to dissect a situation in seconds
                    • Able to diffuse arguments
                    • Good emotional control
                    • Cook well, able to make meals out of nothing
                    • Outspoken
                    • Great self-preservation skills
                    • Super observant
                    • Deep self-awareness
                    • Able to save money for unforeseen trouble
                    • Thrive under pressure
                    • See the red flags
                    • Problem solver
                    • PerfectionistIc
                    • Successfully sneaky when needed
                    • Bionic ears
                    • Diplomatic
                    • Get along with literally anyone

                    What superpowers do YOU have? If you send them to me at [email protected], I’ll add them to this list. (anonymously of course!)

                    Tools for healing:

                    Conscious awareness: Be aware and make conscious choices before acting. Self-awareness releases us from making impulsive and potentially damaging decisions.

                    Understand the Abuse Cycle

                    Learn about letting go of what you can’t control, by using positive-detachment

                    Learn how expectations can be harmful

                    Learn how to set boundaries

                    Self-care: We can only choose to focus on and be responsible for ourselves, our own thoughts, actions, and behavior. We can change ourselves with patience, persistence, and practice. We can take responsibility for getting our needs met, instead of waiting for someone to change or meet our needs for us. We are in control of ourselves and no one is responsible for us but us.

                    Practice mindfulness

                    Learn about codependency and other maladaptive coping skills

                    Take the Adverse Childhood Experiences Quiz

                    Learn the signs of Narcissism Awareness Grief

                    More Resources You May Like:

                    2-1024x1024 Do you have superpowers? You might be surprised

                    I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self

                    A Workbook and Journal

                    How to write the highest vibrating, most powerful affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things

                    Sold worldwide in any bookstore.

                    Quick links:

                    Barnes and Noble
                    Amazon
                    Walmart
                    Author Site

                    Join the Free Email Survival Course:

                    Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward

                    from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.

                    Private Facebook group included for members only.

                    Register Here!
                    Free 8-week email Survival Course

                      I respect your privacy. Unsubscribe at anytime.

                      There’s an app for that!

                      Get THE TOOLBOX APP

                      for instant information, support, and validation!

                      splashscreen-mobile-app-1-1024x1024 Do you have superpowers? You might be surprised
                      GOOGLEPLAY-EMBLEM Do you have superpowers? You might be surprised
                      app-store-logo Do you have superpowers? You might be surprised
                      KINDLE-HiDef-3-book-series-2566-x-3846-px-683x1024 Do you have superpowers? You might be surprised

                      The Lemon Moms Series:

                      B&N
                      Kindle
                      Audible
                      Amazon
                      Nook
                      Google
                      Apple

                      Available formats: eBook, audiobook, hardcover, paperback, and large print too!

                      All are available worldwide at your favorite bookstore!

                      If not stocked, store copies may be ordered through the global distributor, IngramSpark.

                      For ordering through Amazon in the US and other countries:

                      Amazon US, Amazon UK,  Amazon Germany, Amazon France, Amazon Italy, Amazon Japan, Amazon Canada, Amazon Australia, Amazon Netherlands, Amazon Spain

                      In the US? No Amazon Prime? Buy directly from the author to

                      GET FREE SHIPPING (U.S.)

                      Get the TOOLBOX articles twice monthly to your inbox!

                      Your Free Gift:
                      Inner Child Healing Meditation mp3

                        We respect your privacy. Unsubscribe at anytime.


                        Visit Author’s Site

                        About the Author

                        Facetune_06-05-2021-18-24-57 Do you have superpowers? You might be surprised

                        As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping skills and healing strategies for herself. She happily shares those with others who want to learn and grow. 

                        Her Lemon Moms series and other books and articles are a combination of her education, knowledge, personal growth, and insight from her childhood experiences and subsequent recovery work.

                        Diane holds a Master of Science degree in Information Technology and a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology. She’s worked in numerous fields, including domestic violence and abuse, and is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer about family dysfunction. On The Toolbox, she writes about recovery strategies from hurtful people and painful, dysfunctional, or toxic relationships. She has authored four transformational books about healing and moving forward from narcissistic Victim Syndrome.

                        Visit her author’s site here: DianeMetcalf.com

                        Learn about the Lemon Moms series here: Lemon Moms

                        This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

                         

                        Read more

                        Please share!

                        Reading time: 2 min
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