How are Trauma Bonds Created?

Trauma bonds are created in several ways:

Love bombing: The love bombing dynamic occurs when a narcissist, including narcissistic mothers, unexpectedly showers you with love, attention, kindness, or affection. Love bombing comes in various forms—gift-giving, forgiveness for past “offenses,” anything that makes you feel validated or special. Love bombing helps form a trauma bond because it’s a form of intermittent reinforcement: you never know when it will happen.

Verbal abuse: Shouting, name-calling, sarcastic comments, character assassination, backhanded compliments, insults, demeaning remarks, “put-downs” and shaming are some examples of verbal abuse. The abuse happens on an irregular schedule, so it’s a form of intermittent reinforcement (spoken cruelty interspersed with periods of civility and kindness.) The resulting shame causes a trauma bond.

Positive reinforcement: Although it sounds healthy, positive reinforcement can also create trauma bonds. When a person, (including children) is rewarded for doing something they didn’t want to do, or obeying without question, there’s a trauma bond created. Healthy relationships don’t require rewards.

Victim blaming: When a narcissist blames their target (or the narcissist mother blames her child) for the cruelty inflicted upon them, they will likely believe they deserve it, because they’ve been conditioned to. This belief establishes a trauma bond.

Silent treatment: When a narcissist purposefully ignores you, that causes feelings of helpless, anxiety, and fear of abandonment. Having no control over the situation, you’ll focus on the narcissist and wait for their acceptance, however long it takes.

“Moving goalposts” (aka changing the goal): Narcissists often redefine or change their expectations, sometimes several times, during any interaction. Doing this ensures a frustrating encounter for those involved. A narcissist, (including narcissist mothers) is never satisfied, and keeping you emotionally invested in their happiness creates trauma bonds.

If you struggle with narcissistic abuse syndrome you’ll often doubt your self-worth and sanity. Targets of narcissistic abuse tend to focus on their faults, failures, and inadequacies, whether they’re real or not. Sometimes these “deficiencies” began as an idea expressed by the vocal narcissist.

There are several symptoms of narcissistic abuse syndrome. Many of these are the same as those of complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD,) which affects people who’ve experienced serious traumas.

Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome symptoms include:

• Accepting an imbalanced sense of responsibility
• Intrusive, or unwanted thoughts
• Unhealed triggers (physical and emotional responses to similar past traumatic situations)
• Flashbacks or nightmares where the target emotionally re-lives a traumatic experience
• Avoiding people, places or conditions linked to the narcissist or the traumatic event
• Feeling isolated, abandoned, or detached
• Feeling alert or hyper-vigilant, or easily startled (“fight or flight”)
• Negative thoughts about self and world
• Insecurity
• Shame
• Accepting misplaced blame
• Difficulty concentrating or sleeping
• Depression
• Self-destructive behaviors
• Involvement in abusive romantic relationships
• Lost trust in family or friends
• Feeling worthless or unworthy
• Lost sense of self
• Holding the narcissist in high esteem
• Doubting their judgment and decision-making skills
• Ignoring their own needs
• Devaluing or minimizing their contributions to relationships
• Making excuses for a narcissist’s behavior
• Continually trying to please the narcissist
• Attachment issues
• Weak boundaries
• Addictions
• Anxiety
• Perfectionism

If you constantly wonder about your narcissist’s emotional state, for example, what will he/she be like today? Should you try to avoid them? Or do you you frequently-

• think about what you could be (or should be) doing differently to please them?
• believe your relationship problems are all your fault?
• deal with mood swings, lost sleep, anxiety, apprehension?

These are all symptoms of Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome, and if you have any of them you may also have trauma bonds. The good news is that you can detach from the abuse and heal. Keep learning and doing the work.

Tools for healing:

Learn about setting boundaries 

Learn about codependency and maladaptive coping skills

Understand the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle

Learn how to stop being a source of narcissistic supply

Learn about dysfunctional family roles

Try Expressive Writing

Lemon Moms: Resources to guide you in healing from childhood trauma, abuse or neglect. Available on Amazon and wherever books are sold. (Kindle, Audiobook and paperback format.)

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About the author

As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf has developed strong coping skills and healing strategies. She happily shares those insights with others who want to learn and recover. 

Her books and articles are the results of her education, knowledge, and personal insight regarding her own abusive experiences and subsequent recovery work. She is no longer a practicing Social Worker, Counselor, Program Manager or Advocate, nor is she or has she ever been a licensed psychologist.

Diane is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer on the topics of domestic violence, abuse, and family dysfunction. Currently, she writes about toxic relationships and recovery tools. Diane holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and has worked in numerous fields, including domestic violence and abuse. She also holds a Master of Science degree in Information Technology.

Currently, Diane runs her own website design company, Image and Aspect, and writes articles and tutorials for Tips and Snips, her inspirational blog for creative people. She continues to learn and write about Emotional Healing.

This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

The Golden Child: The Golden Child’s role is to bring positive attention to the mother and the family. They are the favorite, and as such, may have a special status and receive more attention and praise. They’re the ones that get bragged about. They make the narcissistic mom look great as a mother. Even so, she will always take some credit for their accomplishments. When they walk into the room, mom’s focus is on them. Golden Children may grow up to be adults who are compulsive overachievers or perfectionists who feel a loss of identity and have low self-esteem.

“Forms of idealizing include praise, attention, and bragging. Types of devaluing include criticizing, blaming, shaming, lying about, lying to, intentionally frightening, projecting, and gaslighting.”

The Invisible Child (aka Lost Child): TheInvisible Child “stays under the radar,” to follow the rules unquestioningly, be quiet, and easy-going. Invisible Children are often taken for granted, and their needs are neglected because they never complain or ask for anything. Invisible Children may internalize a sense of having no impact on others, or their input not mattering. They may grow up to feel insignificant and inconsequential because their sense of identity has not fully developed (Stines, 2018).

The Scapegoat: The Scapegoat’s role is to bear the blame for all of the family’s problems. They are the butt of jokes and get less of everything than the other siblings. They are seen as the problem child. Scapegoats often grow up to become the ones who speak up and challenge the dysfunction. They’re the ones telling the truth about what’s going on in the family and will act out the frustration, anger, and feelings of the entire family (Cole 2019).

When we suddenly and unexpectedly become the Scapegoat, it leaves us wondering what the heck just happened. Was it something I said (or didn’t mention or was supposed to mention)? Was it something I did (or didn’t do or did but not correctly)? If not me, then who or what was it? Was it another family member? A friend? Her boss? The traffic? Did something happen at work? Was it the weather? Maybe it was a coworker. Or her supervisor. Perhaps it was the cat? Or something she got (or didn’t get) in the mail?

When I found myself in the Scapegoat position, I could literally spend hours trying to figure out why. I wanted and needed to fix it, or at least to understand what had so hugely affected my position within the family. I wanted to attempt to control it and not let it happen again.

A sudden change in family positions is upsetting. These random role reversals affect our sense of observation, decision-making, and self-trust because we never know if the explanation we’re giving ourselves is accurate. And we’re continuously guessing our current standing within the family. And if we’re the Golden Child, we’re also appeasing and pleasing our mom because we don’t want to lose that privilege.

“Narcissistic mothers revel in generating competition between their children and emotionally distancing them from one another.”

Living with a narcissistic mother has been described as “living in a war zone.” Those of us who’ve lived under those circumstances were usually on high alert, in fight-or-flight survival mode, because we had no idea when the next attack or role reversal would happen. It meant we were continuously producing stress hormones like adrenaline and cortisol, so it was a common occurrence to feel confused or experience scattered thinking, have difficulty making decisions, or remember. Eventually, we became emotionally and physically exhausted.

There are other subtle ways that narcissistic mothers attempt to control or manipulate their children:

• Belittling, criticizing, and name-calling
• Patronizing and being condescending
• Publicly or privately embarrassing their children
• Threatening their children in some way
• Ordering their children to do things, taking away their choices
• Controlling money or access to it
• Monitoring and controlling whereabouts
• Exhibiting scary, emotional outbursts
• Acting on jealousy
• Using manipulative or guilt-inducing ploys
• Isolating children from friends, family members, or social connections
• Being indifferent to her children’s needs
• Denying or trivializing feelings

Any combination of these behaviors can result in lowering or destroying a child’s self-esteem and cause them to feel unnecessary fear and shame (McBride 2018).

Why It Happens

Because narcissistic mothers are so controlling, they need to have reasons that explain undesirable happenings, and they insist on having a person to hold accountable. This phenomenon is known as scapegoating.

When a narcissistic mom protects her ego from her own unlikeable qualities, she “projects” them onto the Scapegoat child. There is a risk of neglect, maltreatment, abuse, blame, shame, or even physical violence to these children as a result. She’ll play a game of “whose fault is it? I know it’s not mine” (Brenner et al. 2018). The scapegoating practice happens in dysfunctional families, with the role of the scapegoat being either temporary or permanent. The scapegoat is the “fall guy,” the person who gets blamed for offenses and injustices that happen to anyone in the family. Family members, except for the narcissistic mom, often take turns playing the scapegoat role, and at any given time, the mom determines who the scapegoat is.

Tactics like scapegoating are all attempts of the mother to maintain control. When a narcissistic mom feels like she’s losing control over her kids, she will often lash out in vengeful ways, subtly or with direct hostility. Narcissistic mothers are highly reactive to any threat or challenge to their power. They have a sense of entitlement, ownership, and possession of their kids.

More Manipulative Tactics

There is a multitude of ways that a narcissistic mother can emotionally injure her children. I believe these behaviors are the result of other, often unrelated issues, such as:

1. She’s not articulate or doesn’t have a strong vocabulary, so she’s not able to accurately express or describe what she’s thinking or feeling.
2. She doesn’t know how to identify her emotions.
3. She hasn’t had an emotionally healthy upbringing, or she hasn’t witnessed emotionally healthy relationships.
4. She’s emotionally immature and can’t regulate her emotions.
5. She hasn’t personally experienced or learned strong parenting skills.

Narcissistic mothers manipulate and control their children in a variety of ways:

• Withholding affection, affirmation, validation, attention, encouragement, praise, and other self-esteem building behaviors
• Exhibiting intense and scary displays of emotion and drama (“narcissistic rages”)
• Verbally abusing them with insults, criticism, and name-calling
• Threatening violence (may or may not be carried out)
• Maintaining a victim mentality
• Rejection
• Lying
• Giving the “silent treatment” as a form of punishment
• Exercising a “selective memory”
• Gaslighting to control perceptions and memories

I’m personally familiar with all of these tactics. Gaslighting is the one that harmed me the most. It’s an extremely emotionally and mentally destructive form of manipulation.

Even though most of the above-listed behaviors are not physically hurtful, each one can activate the pain centers in the human brain. Research in the field of neuroscience shows us that even perceived rejection activates the area of the brain where pain is felt (Eisenberger et al. 2004). The point is that verbal abuse, threats, rejection, and other forms of emotional mistreatment do hurt us.

“Stirring the Pot” (Triangulation)

A narcissistic mother revels in generating competition between her children and emotionally distancing them from one another. These moms enjoy creating distrust, doubt, insecurity, competition, and resentment between siblings. As I’ve mentioned, this is called triangulation. It’s also a manipulative tactic, used to control information or interactions between individuals.

A therapist once suggested that triangulation was a form of entertainment for my mom. She liked creating drama. She’d stir up trouble, then sit back and enjoy the show. For example, my mom would say one thing to me, putting a specific person in a negative light, and then she’d provide a slightly different version, with me as the “bad guy,” to the other person. When we sensed that something negative was happening between us, but not of our own doing, the other person and I began communicating directly with each other. We compared the different versions of my mother’s stories and soon came to realize that we were being manipulated seemingly for my mother’s amusement. I informed my mother that we were aware of what she was doing. Of course, she flipped the scenario, instantly becoming the innocent victim, but the triangulation stopped pretty much immediately.

More on Triangulation later.

Tools for healing:

Conscious awareness:  Be aware and make conscious choices before acting. Self-awareness releases us from making impulsive and potentially damaging decisions. Practice mindfulness.

Understand the Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse

Learn about setting boundaries 

Learn about codependency and maladaptive coping skills

Learn about Narcissism Awareness Grief

Lemon Moms: Resources to guide you in healing from childhood trauma, abuse or neglect. Available on Amazon and wherever books are sold. (Kindle, Audiobook and paperback format.)

About the author

As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf has developed strong coping skills and healing strategies. She happily shares those insights with others who want to learn and recover. 

Her books and articles are the results of her education, knowledge, and personal insight regarding her own abusive experiences and subsequent recovery work. She is no longer a practicing Social Worker, Counselor, Program Manager or Advocate, nor is she or has she ever been a licensed psychologist.

Diane is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer on the topics of domestic violence, abuse, and family dysfunction. Currently, she writes about toxic relationships and recovery tools. Diane holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and has worked in numerous fields, including domestic violence and abuse. She also holds a Master of Science degree in Information Technology.

Currently, Diane runs her own website design company, Image and Aspect, and writes articles and tutorials for Tips and Snips, her inspirational blog for creative people. She continues to learn and write about Emotional Healing.

This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

Here are some of the responses these incredible people provided. I hope this list gives you a new sense of personal power and helps you recognize more of what makes you awesome!

Claim your superpowers

• Dark sense of humor
• Able to sense toxic people
• Able to detect mental illness or something mentally wrong with a person
• Able to easily read body language
• Able to sense danger
• Fierce independence
• Resourcefulness
• Resilience
• Psychoanalyzes everyone
• Strong intuition
• Self-sufficiency
• Good at pretending to be asleep
• Self mothering/nurturing
• Anticipate multiple outcomes and prepared for almost anything
• Content being alone
• Able to tolerate high stress
• Knows when something bad is going to happen
• Feel other peoples energy
• Feel calm in an emergency or crisis
• Able to figure out complicated things
• Nurturing
• Patient
• Able to read micro facial expressions
• Able to detect changes in people’s energy
• Can hone-in on certain sounds: keys, footsteps, voices, car engines
• Move stealthily/silently
• Become invisible/unnoticeable
• Able to sneeze, cough and cry silently
• Good at keeping other’s secrets
• Empathic
• Remember every detail of events and conversations because of former gaslighting
• Great at dealing with angry people
• Ability to sense a con-artist
• Great at cleaning
• Great at anything to do with image: interior designing, decorating, styling clothing, accessorizing
• Great at detecting narcissists
• Able to hide emotions
• Able to detect untrustworthy people
• Able to lie well if needed
• Able to manipulate others if needed
• Very discerning
• Well organized
• Ability to admit when wrong
• Resourceful
• Quick thinking
• Ability to escape situations
• Able to see other’s perspectives
• Able to manage people
• Ability to emotionally detach
• Able to tune people out
• Can switch emotions on and off
• Adaptable to any surroundings
• Able to dissect a situation in seconds
• Able to diffuse arguments
• Good emotional control
• Cook well and able to make meals out of “nothing”
• Outspoken
• Great self-preservation skills
• Super observant
• Deep self-awareness
• Able to save money for unforeseen trouble
• Thrive under pressure
• See the “red flags” (but don’t always follow through)
• A problem solver
• Perfectionistic
• Successfully sneaky when needed
• Have bionic ears
• Diplomatic
• Empathetic
• Can get along with literally anyone

What superpowers do YOU have? If you send them to me at [email protected], I’ll add them to this list. (anonymously of course!)

Tools for healing:

Conscious awareness:  Be aware and make conscious choices before acting. Self-awareness releases us from making impulsive and potentially damaging decisions.

Understand the abuse cycle

Learn about codependency

Learn about letting go of what you can’t control, by using loving-detachment

Learn about expectations

Learn about setting boundaries 

Self-care: We can only choose to focus on and be responsible for ourselves, our own thoughts, actions, and behavior. The good news is that we can change ourselves with patience, persistence, and practice. We can take responsibility for getting our needs met, instead of waiting for someone to change or meet our needs for us. We are in control of ourselves and no one is responsible for us but us.

Practice mindfulness

Learn about codependency and maladaptive coping skills

Take the Adverse Childhood Experiences quiz

Learn about Narcissism Awareness Grief

Lemon Moms: Resources to guide you in healing from childhood trauma, abuse or neglect. Available on Amazon and wherever books are sold. (Kindle, Audiobook and paperback format.)

About the author

Diane Metcalf is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer on the topics of domestic violence, abuse, and family dysfunction. Currently, she writes about toxic relationships and recovery tools. Diane holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and has worked in numerous fields, including domestic violence and abuse. She holds a Master of Science degree in Information Technology.

As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, she has developed strong coping skills and healing strategies. She happily shares those insights with others who want to learn and recover. 

Her books and articles are the results of her education, knowledge, and personal insight regarding her own abusive experiences and subsequent recovery work. She is no longer a practicing Social Worker, Counselor, Program Manager or Advocate, nor is she or has she ever been a licensed psychologist.

Currently, Diane runs her own website design company, Image and Aspect, and writes articles and tutorials for Tips and Snips, her inspirational blog for creative people. She continues to learn and write about Emotional Healing.

This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

In these scenarios, my heart races, and I jump into fight or flight mode. My go-to strategy is to flee. Right. Now. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. Fleeing can mean leaving the room, changing the channel, clicking on something else. Any distraction will do.

Doing what’s needed to avoid these kinds of situations has only bothered me in the intellectual sense. I wished I was different, but I accepted my avoidance tactics because I understood where they came from. Avoidance and escape are some of my survival mechanisms, and I was good with that. Until recently.

The issue

I like data. Databases, writing queries to collect data, and informational reporting are fascinating activities for me. I have a degree in Information Management. I like information in all forms; I guess you could say that information is important to me. So during this time of self-quarantine, it’s essential that I have access to accurate, credible, trustworthy information and reports that help keep my family and me safe and healthy.

On news shows and social media platforms, many times, “information“ is really an individual’s perspective or opinion. And when others don’t share that point of view, nasty disagreements can ensue.

I’m all for having disagreements. There’s nothing inherently wrong with disagreeing with someone. I think sharing and discussing differing viewpoints is healthy and necessary to learn and grow. Differences in opinion and perspective can be voiced in a healthy, respectful, and productive way. My husband and I have differences in opinion, and when that happens, we usually speak calmly, in a respectful tone and demeanor. Often we end up agreeing to disagree. We don’t hurt each other simply because we have differing viewpoints. He’s entitled to his, and I’m entitled to mine. We don’t have to agree on everything. We are individuals.

Differences in points of view can inspire us to question, listen, and learn something new.

What’s not healthy, when disagreeing, is showing blatant disrespect, refusing to listen, judging, offering non-constructive criticism and unsolicited advice, close-mindedness, shouting and name-calling. When those things begin happening on news programs or social media, whether spoken or written, bye-bye, I’m outa there.

You can see how that wouldn’t benefit me in a time of needing and wanting information. I didn’t want only information that aligned with what I already knew or believed; I wanted it all. I wanted to be able to consider other viewpoints and opinions and decide for myself which of them are the most credible or applicable to me. That means that I had to develop the intestinal fortitude to sit through some of those challenges and emotional triggers mentioned above.

Practice makes perfect

Now I’m not going to sit here and tell you that suddenly I’m extremely comfortable witnessing situations that still feel scary and threatening to me. No, not at all.

What’s changed is my willingness to go out of my comfort zone and stay through the scary parts. It may sound ridiculous that it would feel scary when people on TV or social media fight or shout at each other. After all, I’m not involved, I’m in my home, safe, and far removed from any actual threat. But think for a minute about the last scary movie you saw. It had the potential to scare you even though you weren’t personally involved in the story. There you go.

News programs and social media can absolutely instill fear in some of us more than others. If you’ve grown up in a scary, threatening or traumatic home environment, you know what I’m talking about. I hadn’t even realized that these kinds of scenarios were emotional triggers for me until recently. I’d started purposefully seeking out and identifying my triggers awhile ago, and intentionally working to alleviate them. I recognized this as another opportunity.

So I began sitting through the frightening parts, forcing myself to remember that I’m in my own home, that I’m an adult, that I’m safe. Little by little, I began to hear and learn things that I wouldn’t have otherwise. My tolerance for witnessing heated differences of opinion eventually increased. Angry arguments between others began to feel less threatening. That, in itself, broadened my perspective. I found myself more willing to sit through what used to feel intimidating and scary. Having the opportunity to see issues from another’s point of view, and to learn something new, became more important to me than staying in my comfort zone.

My heart doesn’t pound like it used to, and I no longer feel like running from the room. I’m becoming desensitized, and I appreciate that. I can hear shouting, witness open hostility, disrespect, escalating anger, intimidation, and feel anxious about the threat of violence, and still be OK. I’m finding it helpful.

After all, real life doesn’t exist in a bubble. I think these last few weeks of practice, sitting through uncomfortable moments, have helped me understand that I’m stronger and more resilient than I think. I feel emotionally stronger in doing this exercise. I’m going to continue even though it’s still a bit uncomfortable and probably always will be.

What about you?

How have you overcome a personal struggle during the pandemic?

What are the pandemic and self quarantining teaching you about yourself? What have you learned? To share your experience with my readers, go to DianeMetcalf.com/story and send me your story!

Tools:

Self-care: We can only choose to focus on and be responsible for ourselves, our own thoughts, actions, and behavior. The good news is that we can change ourselves with patience, persistence, and practice. We can take responsibility for getting our needs met, instead of waiting for someone to change or meet our needs for us. We are in control of ourselves and no one is responsible for us but us.

Learn about setting boundaries 

Practice mindfulness

Learn about codependency and maladaptive coping skills

Learn about C-PTSD

Lemon Moms: Resources to guide you in healing from childhood trauma, abuse or neglect. Available on Amazon and wherever books are sold. (Kindle, Audiobook and paperback format.)

About the author

Diane Metcalf earned her Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology in 1982 and a Master of Science in Information Technology in 2013.

She has held Social Worker, Counselor and Managerial Positions in the fields of Domestic Violence and Abuse, Geriatric Healthcare, Developmental Disabilities, and Reproductive Health. She is an experienced Advocate and Speaker on the topics of Domestic Violence and Abuse and has been a guest on Lockport Community Television (LCTV), sharing her knowledge and experience regarding Domestic Abuse with the local community. In addition, she experienced Maternal Narcissistic Abuse and has been involved in other toxic relationships. She purposefully learned (and continues to learn) appropriate coping skills and strategies to live happily. She shares those insights here.

Her books and articles are the results of her education, knowledge, and personal insight regarding her own abusive experiences and subsequent recovery work. She is no longer a practicing Social Worker, Counselor, Program Manager or Advocate, nor is she or has she ever been a licensed psychologist.

Currently, Diane runs her own website design company, Image and Aspect, and writes articles and tutorials for Tips and Snips, her inspirational blog for creative people. She continues to learn and write about Emotional Healing.

This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

Here’s the thing: survivors of complex childhood trauma often have difficulty forming attachments to other people. This struggle creates a self-perpetuating cycle: an unfulfilled desire for connection leads to loneliness and isolation, which can lead to depression, risky, and self-destructive behaviors, which can lead to loneliness and isolation.

In 1970, Dr. Ainsworth expanded on Bowlby’s work in her paper “Attachment, Exploration, and Separation: Illustrated by The Behavior of One-Year-Olds in a Strange Situation.” In her research, she discovered three major attachment styles: secure, ambivalent-insecure, and avoidant-insecure attachment (Ainsworth and Bell 1970). They were expanding on that research in 1986 when Drs. Mary Main and Judith Solomon added a fourth attachment style called “disorganized-insecure attachment” (Main and Solomon 1986). Additional research supports their conclusions and the idea that early attachment styles can predict future behavior.

The Attachment Styles

The following is a description of the four attachment styles as per Drs. Ainsworth, Main, and Solomon:

A secure attachment style forms when a primary caregiver is mostly predictable, reliable, and trustworthy. If a  parent or caregiver is a source of comfort, the child feels relaxed as they discover, learn, and play in their environment. As an adult, this person can develop meaningful connections with others and confidently deals with the inevitable disagreements.

An insecure ambivalent attachment style forms when a primary caregiver is unreliable, erratic, or unpredictable. There are times the child feels cared for, which are interspersed with times of being shouted at or rejected. These kinds of mixed messages often lead to the child feeling indecisive, hesitant, or doubtful. As an adult, this person may feel a sense of dependency combined with a fear of abandonment.

An insecure-avoidant attachment style forms when a primary caregiver is disengaged, distant, and unavailable. The child’s needs go unmet or are ignored, and they learn to take care of themselves, becoming self-reliant. As an adult, this person may have a dismissive attitude towards other’s emotional needs or lack the ability to experience intimacy with others.

A disorganized attachment style forms when a primary caregiver is chaotic and abusive. The caregiver is not a source of love and nurturing but of fear and trepidation. Kids still attach to an aggressive, cruel, or abusive parent because humans are born with a need for closeness. But we also have a strong need to escape danger. A child in this position will likely develop feelings of helplessness and hopelessness because they’re caught in the middle; they need and desire attachment and also need to escape danger. As an adult, this person will likely alternate between feeling fear or anger and defeat or depression.

It’s common to repeat the first relational patterns and attachment styles we learned as children. (Schwartz, A., 2019). Most of us have a “combination style” of attachment because we often have more than one parent or caretaker. Each of them treats us differently, and so we develop a combination of these four attachment styles.

Tools:

Conscious awareness:  Be aware and make conscious choices before acting. Self-awareness releases us from making impulsive and potentially damaging decisions. Learn about setting boundaries 

Self-care: We can only choose to focus on and be responsible for ourselves, our own thoughts, actions, and behavior. The good news is that we can change ourselves with patience, persistence, and practice. We can take responsibility for getting our needs met, instead of waiting for someone to change or meet our needs for us. We are in control of ourselves and no one is responsible for us but us.

Practice mindfulness

Learn about codependency and maladaptive coping skills

Take the Adverse Childhood Experiences quiz

Learn about C-PTSD

Lemon Moms: Resources to guide you in healing from childhood trauma, abuse or neglect. Available on Amazon and wherever books are sold. (Kindle, Audiobook and paperback format.)

About the author

Diane Metcalf earned her Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology in 1982 and a Master of Science in Information Technology in 2013.

She has held Social Worker, Counselor and Managerial Positions in the fields of Domestic Violence and Abuse, Geriatric Healthcare, Developmental Disabilities, and Reproductive Health. She is an experienced Advocate and Speaker on the topics of Domestic Violence and Abuse and has been a guest on Lockport Community Television (LCTV), sharing her knowledge and experience regarding Domestic Abuse with the local community. In addition, she experienced Maternal Narcissistic Abuse and has been involved in other toxic relationships. She purposefully learned (and continues to learn) appropriate coping skills and strategies to live happily. She shares those insights here.

Her books and articles are the results of her education, knowledge, and personal insight regarding her own abusive experiences and subsequent recovery work. She is no longer a practicing Social Worker, Counselor, Program Manager or Advocate, nor is she or has she ever been a licensed psychologist.

Currently, Diane runs her own website design company, Image and Aspect, and writes articles and tutorials for Tips and Snips, her inspirational blog for creative people. She continues to learn and write about Emotional Healing.

This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.