Narcissists, whether they have a few narcissistic behaviors, or full-blown Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD,) mistreat others. The hypervigilance, trauma bonds, and cognitive dissonance created during this wounding also create emotional triggers.

If you have a memory, or when a certain event happens, and you immediately feel angry, it’s because your brain hasn’t fully processed it before reacting. These types of knee-jerk reactions are your “emotional triggers.”

To identify our emotional triggers, (aka “buttons“) we need to examine our feelings and our reactions to these feelings in deeper detail.

For example

If I’m in line to buy something and someone cuts in front of me, I might immediately feel angry and lash out at that person. Why would I do that? Well, it’s about how I interpret what’s going on, but the cause of the anger might not be what I assume it is. Isolating the cause (the “trigger” or “button”) is what this article is all about.

This first step is not about judging yourself. It is about gaining awareness. It’s about getting to know your mind and catching what it’s doing without your permission. Noticing when unconscious programming takes over is a necessary step if you want to discover your triggers.

So, how can we discover and take control of our emotional triggers/buttons?

In the previous example, if my interpretation of the offending line-cutter is “they think they’re more important than me” or “they think they don’t have to wait like the rest of us,” or “what an entitled so-and-so! How disrespectful!” then I’ve given the line cutting behavior a specific meaning which relates to myself, and it may or may not be an accurate interpretation. The interpretation I’ve given the behavior might trigger feelings like: I don’t matter, I’m not important, or I’m not respected. It’s these first emotions that I feel(I don’t matter, I’m not important, I’m being disrespected) that trigger my anger.

But what if I stopped and gave the benefit of the doubt? What if I changed my interpretation? Maybe the person is stressed and in a hurry and didn’t notice the line? (I’ve done this myself.) What if they’re asking a quick question and don’t actually require service? (Not a nice thing to do, but still understandable and totally unrelated to me personally.) There are many other interpretations or reasons for someone’s behavior besides the limited ones that we can think of.

Let’s go deeper

Did you know that no one can “make” you feel angry? No one can “make” you feel anything, really. Our feelings are a choice. The behavior that results is also a choice. Those are big statements, and they’re backed by research. I’ve included the citations at the end of the article.

When you start this process of self-examination, it’s like peeling an onion. You’ll uncover hidden thoughts, beliefs, limitations, and judgments, and there will be surprises along the way. Everything that you uncover is an insight that will allow you to see yourself, and your world, from a larger perspective. This is called personal growth.

Example of a trigger

Let’s say someone does something, and the first thing that pops into your mind is that they think you’re not important! That you don’t matter! That you should be ashamed! Or that you’re stupid, don’t belong, or that they don’t like you. You immediately feel angry and want to say something mean or hurtful, or maybe you want to physically hurt them.

But let’s stop and take a closer look at what just took place. Upon closer inspection, you see that they didn’t actually SAY anything. The meaning for their behavior is coming from you and it’s causing you to feel an emotion! That first (primary) emotion is what’s causing your anger.

Whoa. Can you see that? Your interpretation of what they did may be correct or incorrect. The person has not actually said that you’re not important, that you don’t matter, that you should be ashamed, that you’re stupid, etc. It feels to you, through your interpretation, like that’s what they said or implied. Your interpretation determines what you will feel next. Do you see how your interpretation can drastically affect what you feel and what happens next?

Interpretation happens in your mind, and most of us, when we haven’t yet become aware, do not notice when it happens. That’s because it happens unconsciously. But after today, and when you start to apply conscious awareness, you will become aware of it. And when you change your interpretation of a memory or a present event, your primary emotion(s)and your resulting behavior also change. But what does that mean for you?

Now what?

After you acknowledge that you’ve interpreted a memory (or a present event,) and that the meaning caused you to feel a primary emotion (shame, dismissed, unimportant, disrespected, mocked, etc.,) that triggered anger, you can stop right there and question whether your interpretation was accurate or not.

Try to find out why you gave the memory or event that particular interpretation. Why not a different one? Asking and answering this question involves taking a fearless look at our less-than-perfect character traits and noticing which ones need improving. This is the opposite of blaming. This is knowing ourselves on a deeper level; knowing our buttons and why they exist in the first place. It’s about not only knowing what the buttons are but how to turn them off and shut them down for good.

Here are some primary emotions, or “buttons” that might trigger anger when pushed. Hint: It would be helpful to examine each one of these and journal your thoughts and insights about what you discover.

Primary emotional buttons that trigger anger:

1. Loss of control, powerlessness, victimization

If feelings of victimhood or loss of control are the primary emotion, you’ll be triggered to feel anger because you want to regain control over what’s happening, or what’s perceived to be happening. (Remember, a lot of this is your own interpretation.) These feelings, in particular, could cause you to overreact or lash out at others who triggered them. That’s because the loss of control, victimization, and fear are closely related. If you notice that you’re over-reacting or lashing out, take a look to see if you’re feeling powerless, victimized, or afraid.

2. Fear

Feeling afraid and feeling a loss of control are related, because the amygdala (a memory-creating brain structure) saves memories, not as stories, but as chunks and fragments of sensory input. Your memories are saved as bits and chunks of sounds, sights, smells, touches, and tastes. For those who have C-PTSD, any of these fragments that are also connected to fear can also trigger anger because of the strong need to regain control of the situation. (See number1.)

Our minds use fear as a method of keeping us safe. Even though fear is uncomfortable, it is a natural response, not a sign of weakness. When a memory causes you to re-experience feelings of fear, it’s OK to remind yourself that you’re in a safe place and that you’re experiencing a memory. It’s safe to examine this disturbing feeling a little deeper. When you begin to get a clearer picture of what’s really going on behind the scenes in your brain, by discovering the root cause of the fear, you’ll start to uncover the actual primary emotion trigger. Once you find the trigger, you can begin to understand it better, which will start you moving forward to remove its power in your life.

3. Frustration

Frustration is an emotional response to dealing with conditions that are outside of our realm of control. Being blocked from the desired outcome, or being challenged by a difficult task, are examples of events that can cause frustration. When someone feels frustrated, and it’s combined with fear, (for example, there is a difficult task that must be completed before a certain date to avoid negative consequences, and that date is drawing near) they may become aggressive. Often, when we feel frustrated, there is also a sense of powerlessness because you’re in a situation where you want to do something and you can’t. You feel like you have no available choices, or you don’t know what those choices are.

Focusing on a solution, rather than the problem, is always helpful. If you’re feeling frustrated about something, here are some questions to ask yourself that could change your perspective, and uncover a solution-

• What is it that I’m trying to achieve?
• Am I feeling blocked in the way I’m going about getting it?
• What are some other ways I can get it? Think of at least two.
• What steps can I take right now?
• Do I need to start working on accepting that I can’t change this situation?
• Do I need to change my goal, rather than give it up?
• Am I allowing fear to control my responses? How can I change that?

4. Feeling tired or overwhelmed

Feeling worn-out or exhausted impacts our ability to cope with challenging situations. When we’re tired, our minds can’t work at full capacity, and we may find ourselves misperceiving, misunderstanding, or making poor decisions. When we need rest, our patience and emotional resilience are low. You may feel like you’re at your limit for what you can handle, and that’s also connected to feeling frustrated. When you’re at your limit, feeling like you have no more ability to cope can feel scary and may cause you to feel afraid. Being pushed over that limit can trigger anger.

Are you beginning to see how fear keeps coming up in these scenarios? Fear is connected to many of our triggers.

When you’re feeling overwhelmed, stop and see if you can find the cause. Are you tired? Under more stress than usual? Are you in pain? Have you experienced a loss? Have your responsibilities increased? Have you lost a support system? Had a financial loss? What else has changed in your life recently?

Break the cause into smaller chunks and see where it becomes unmanageable. Do you need to ask for help with this unmanageable piece?

What are some healthy ways that you can start to respond to feeling overwhelmed? (Hint: take a nap, go to bed early, eat something if you’re hungry, call someone, move your body; go for a walk, do something physical, talk to someone, read.)

5. Grief

Grief is an overwhelming emotion, and it’s one of the hardest to deal with. Part of the dawning awareness that someone’s narcissistic behavior has negatively affected us, is noticing a strong feeling of loss. Feelings of loss can be confusing and painful, and often when going through the process of Narcissism Awareness Grief, we feel that sense of loss. We aren’t mourning for what we had. We are mourning for what we didn’t have; we are mourning for what could have been.

We mourn our lost sense of self. We mourn the love and acceptance we never got to experience, especially if we’re an invisible or scapegoat child. We grieve our lost sense of security because we were gaslighted. We mourn all the lost time, the time spent believing lies and engaging in people-pleasing. We mourn the loss of a soul connection. It’s natural to feel angry when there’s such a huge amount of loss.

When you’re angry, and you’re not sure why, ask yourself if grief could be the cause. Does the current situation remind you of something you’ve lost, could have had, or desired? If your anger is indeed grief-related, that’s an indication that you need to start working through the grief. Learn about the stages of grief and Narcissism Awareness Grief in particular. Get into a support group or find a therapist. Please don’t let being stuck in grief rob you of a happier future.

6. Codependent coping

When we’re codependent, we likely don’t know how to validate and affirm ourselves, and we look to others to fulfill those needs. When we don’t feel good about ourselves, have low self-esteem or have low self-confidence, we look for validation and approval from others. And we may go to incredible lengths to please others in order to get that validation, affirmation, and some semblance of self-worth. When we have a weak sense of worth, our anger jumps out in defense. When someone doesn’t acknowledge or appreciate what we’ve done for them (even if they didn’t ask for our help), we feel hurt and resentful, and those can trigger anger.

Codependency ends when we start feeling “good enough” and can approve and validate ourselves. Validation is incredibly important. Once you’re able to validate yourself, you‘ll be less likely to seek out others to do it for you. You won’t need to step in and do things for others when they haven’t asked you to. You’ll begin to know yourself more deeply than you did when you were focused on care-taking someone else.

Why do you need this person’s approval? Why is the approval so important to you? What will their approval change about you? What will happen if you don’t get it? If you don’t get it, would that change anything, really? What beliefs about yourself would it change? Is their approval the only thing that will cause this change? What can you do to start feeling better about yourself regardless of how they respond to you? What else might improve your self-esteem? What might increase your self-confidence? When will you start doing those?

7. Betrayal hurt

When we go through Narcissism Awareness Grief, we often feel betrayed. Betrayal hurts our hearts and can affect how we think and feel, and what we believe. At least temporarily.

It’s hard to understand how and why someone could hurt us so deeply. These underlying hurt feelings, along with those of disappointment and betrayal can all trigger anger. Acknowledge the feelings of pain, betrayal, and disappointment. Work on accepting that the narcissist in your life truly cannot behave any differently. Without a desire or motivation to change, there will be no change. The changes in how you feel must come from you.

8. Weak boundaries

If we have weak boundaries or don’t enforce the boundaries we have, the more likely we are to react in anger when they’re challenged or violated.

You are worthy of love and respect simply because you exist. If you’re in a situation where you’re treated unlovingly or disrespectfully, that may cause you to feel angry or resentful. You may not understand why you feel that way. You feel that way because that person is not validating you. Being validated is a basic human need. If someone’s invalidation triggers your anger, you may want to look into self-empowerment and ways of developing a stronger sense of self-worth. When you value yourself and can validate yourself, it’s less likely that another’s lack of validation will trigger you.

By taking the time to understand where your anger comes from, you’ll learn a lot about yourself and begin to heal your triggers. You’ll begin feeling a new sense of peace and calm. When someone or something triggers you, you’ll consciously understand what’s happening and be able to deal with it accordingly. You’ll feel in control of your feelings instead of like your feelings are controlling you.

Will all of your triggers ever be healed? Probably not. I say this because you’re alive, having new experiences, and developing new triggers throughout life. Discovering and healing triggers is a life-long process. It’s just part of good self-care.

Sometimes all it takes is awareness of what’s happening “behind the scenes” in your brain to uncover an unknown trigger. Sometimes when I notice a trigger being activated I say to myself, “I’m being triggered right now,” and it’s often enough to shut down a potentially ugly scenario and maintain my emotional control. With a little practice, you’ll begin noticing your triggers and responding to them in a different, healthier way. You’ll begin seeing your anger as a tool for deeper self-understanding.

Learn More: Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism

References:

Beck, A.T. (2008). The evolution of the cognitive model of depression and its neurobiological correlates. American Journal of Psychiatry, 165, 969-977.

Gross J.J (2014). Handbook of Emotion Regulation. 2nd ed. New York: Guilford Press.

Metcalf, D. (2020) Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism

Plassmann, H., O’Doherty, J., Shiv, B., & Rangel, A. (2008). Marketing actions can modulate neural representations of experienced pleasantness. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences (USA),105(3), 1050–1054.

Solomon, R.C. (2007). True to our feelings: What our emotions are really telling us. New York: Oxford University Press.

More tools for healing:

Learn about dysfunctional family roles

Learn about codependency 

Learn coping skills for the holidays and family visits

Learn why what you tell yourself matters

Learn why verbal abuse hurts us

Learn how to protect yourself with boundaries 

Learn about the narcissistic abuse cycle

More Resources You May Like:

I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self

A Workbook and Journal

How to write the highest vibrating, most powerful affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things

Sold worldwide in any bookstore.

Quick links:

Barnes and Noble

Amazon

Walmart

Author Site

Join the Free Email Survival Course:

Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward

from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.

Private Facebook group included for members only.

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for instant information, support, and validation!

The Lemon Moms Series:

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Google

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Available formats: eBook, audiobook, hardcover, paperback, and large print too!

Get the TOOLBOX articles twice monthly to your inbox!

About the Author

As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping skills and healing strategies for herself. She happily shares those with others who want to learn and grow. 

Her Lemon Moms series and other books and articles are a combination of her education, knowledge, personal growth, and insight from her childhood experiences and subsequent recovery work.

Diane holds a Master of Science degree in Information Technology and a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology. She’s worked in numerous fields, including domestic violence and abuse, and is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer about family dysfunction. On The Toolbox, she writes about recovery strategies from hurtful people and painful, dysfunctional, or toxic relationships. She has authored four transformational books about healing and moving forward from narcissistic Victim Syndrome.

Visit her author’s site here: DianeMetcalf.com

Learn about the Lemon Moms series here: Lemon Moms

This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

Because I write about narcissistic mothers, I’ll note here that a narcissistic mother gets her sense of self through her children. She needs to protect her self-image and her reputation as a loving, caring mother, so her children are a necessary part of her identity. This is why the silent treatment is so meaningful to her. To a narcissistic mother, when she uses the silent treatment, it’s as if she’s cutting off a very displeasing part of herself and, at the same time, understands how painful it feels to the person she’s shunning. I’ve heard others remark that my mother was the kind of person who would cut off her nose to spite her face. Win at any cost, right?

The Stone Wall

The silent treatment is a punishment that consists of “hurt and rescue.” It can continue for months or even years and is often used to teach a lesson or to manipulate behavior (Eisenberger et al. 2004). For those of us who’ve been subjected to this form of abuse, it kept us anxious by triggering our fear of abandonment. (Saeed, K. 2019).

When I was seventeen, I endured my mother’s silent treatment for a little over three months. She had given me the silent treatment before, and she would again, but this instance lasted the longest. For the entire three months, I was met with stony silence any time I attempted to interact with her. She would not make eye contact with me. There was no acknowledgment that I existed whatsoever.

I broke our silent relationship now and again, testing to see if she would respond, and each time I was met with cold rejection. The message was loud and clear that she was not finished punishing me, and my attempts were not going to have an effect. It was as if I was invisible. I remember needing affirmation from others that they could see me and that I existed. I felt like I was heading into insanity.

One day, as mysteriously as the silent treatment had started, it ended. When my mother broke the silence and spoke to me, it was some little unimportant phrase that had no real significance, but it indicated the shunning was over.

I couldn’t figure out what I had done to offend or anger my mother, to cause her to take such extreme action as the silent treatment. I spent an excessive amount of time obsessing about it, replaying scenarios and conversations repeatedly, looking for the cause. I never found it, and of course, we never discussed what happened. If I was supposed to learn a lesson, I never knew what it was. Maybe the whole thing was nothing more than a show of power, meant to demoralize and unsettle me. It remains a mystery to this day.

Punitive Silence

When a person is actively ignored, it causes such psychological and emotional anguish that it can actually be seen on brain scans (Pune Mirror 2019). The silent treatment triggers a fear of abandonment, which is very frightening, but for children like me who’d already been abandoned by one parent, it is unbearable. I was obsessed with thoughts like, “Who will take care of me?” “Will I ever matter?” “Will I ever be safe?” “Will anyone ever love me?”

The fear of abandonment causes anxiety, worry, sleep loss, and inability to concentrate. Imagine trying to learn in school or study for tests while being actively ignored and rejected by a parent. With every silent treatment, we go deeper into survival mode, and we can experience panic attacks, appetite loss, binge-eating, racing heartbeat, nightmares, depression, confusion, and obsessive thinking. With each, we learn to focus more on our mother’s behavior and her needs. We learn to provide what she needs and wants because we fear we’ll be emotionally or physically abandoned again. The need to please and appease her becomes overblown.

A narcissistic mom understands that she’ll get away with rejecting and shunning because, as children, we have no choice but to welcome her back when she decides to return to our lives. We need her, after all, and she knows it. When she’s ready to acknowledge us again, we’re so happy, aren’t we?

The narcissistic mom likes knowing how hurt we are by her silent treatment. Our pain demonstrates to her that she is all-powerful and can devastate us if and when she chooses. It’s a great form of narcissistic supply.

Every time we go through the silent treatment, we’re diminished. Each time we endure active ignoring, we question our self-worth. Our self-esteem and self-image are further eroded, and our fear of abandonment escalates. Despite our accomplishments, acknowledgments, or friendships, we find ourselves desperate for our mother’s approval, which is, of course, always out of reach. We may come close, but we never quite make it.

We eventually accept that we aren’t worthy of her love or attention. We settle for any crumbs of affection or attention we can get from her. We learn that we’re somehow inferior and will never be able to please her, although we should continue trying.

This repeated process is called “trauma bonding” and is another example of the powerful emotional bonds created between abuser and abused. Over time, trauma bonds become very resistant to change, contributing to the development of a codependent relationship.

Tools:

Set boundaries 

Understand the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle

Learn about codependency

Let go of what you can’t control using loving-detachment

Learn about expectations

Conscious awareness:  Be aware and make conscious choices before acting. Self-awareness releases us from making impulsive and potentially damaging decisions.

Self-care: We are in control of ourselves and no one is responsible for us but us. We can only choose to focus on and be responsible for ourselves, our own thoughts, actions, and behavior. We can change ourselves with patience, persistence, and practice. When we take responsibility for getting our needs met, instead of waiting for someone to change or meet our needs for us, we are healing.

More Resources You May Like:

I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self

A Workbook and Journal

How to write the highest vibrating, most powerful affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things

Sold worldwide in any bookstore.

Quick links:

Barnes and Noble

Amazon

Walmart

Author Site

Join the Free Email Survival Course:

Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward

from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.

Private Facebook group included for members only.

There’s an app for that!

Get THE TOOLBOX APP

for instant information, support, and validation!

The Lemon Moms Series:

B&N

Kindle

Audible

Amazon

Nook

Google

Apple

Available formats: eBook, audiobook, hardcover, paperback, and large print too!

Get the TOOLBOX articles twice monthly to your inbox!

About the Author

As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping skills and healing strategies for herself. She happily shares those with others who want to learn and grow. 

Her Lemon Moms series and other books and articles are a combination of her education, knowledge, personal growth, and insight from her childhood experiences and subsequent recovery work.

Diane holds a Master of Science degree in Information Technology and a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology. She’s worked in numerous fields, including domestic violence and abuse, and is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer about family dysfunction. On The Toolbox, she writes about recovery strategies from hurtful people and painful, dysfunctional, or toxic relationships. She has authored four transformational books about healing and moving forward from narcissistic Victim Syndrome.

Visit her author’s site here: DianeMetcalf.com

Learn about the Lemon Moms series here: Lemon Moms

This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

How are Trauma Bonds Created?

Trauma bonds are created in several ways:

Love bombing: The love bombing dynamic occurs when a narcissist, including narcissistic mothers, unexpectedly showers you with love, attention, kindness, or affection. Love bombing comes in various forms—gift-giving, forgiveness for past “offenses,” anything that makes you feel validated or special. Love bombing helps form a trauma bond because it’s a form of intermittent reinforcement: you never know when it will happen.

Verbal abuse: Shouting, name-calling, sarcastic comments, character assassination, backhanded compliments, insults, demeaning remarks, “put-downs” and shaming are some examples of verbal abuse. The abuse happens on an irregular schedule, so it’s a form of intermittent reinforcement (spoken cruelty interspersed with periods of civility and kindness.) The resulting shame causes a trauma bond.

Positive reinforcement: Although it sounds healthy, positive reinforcement can also create trauma bonds. When a person, (including children) is rewarded for doing something they didn’t want to do, or obeying without question, there’s a trauma bond created. Healthy relationships don’t require rewards.

Victim blaming: When a narcissist blames their target (or the narcissist mother blames her child) for the cruelty inflicted upon them, they will likely believe they deserve it, because they’ve been conditioned to. This belief establishes a trauma bond.

Silent treatment: When a narcissist purposefully ignores you, that causes feelings of helpless, anxiety, and fear of abandonment. Having no control over the situation, you’ll focus on the narcissist and wait for their acceptance, however long it takes.

“Moving goalposts” (aka changing the goal): Narcissists often redefine or change their expectations, sometimes several times, during any interaction. Doing this ensures a frustrating encounter for those involved. A narcissist, (including narcissist mothers) is never satisfied, and keeping you emotionally invested in their happiness creates trauma bonds.

If you struggle with narcissistic abuse syndrome you’ll often doubt your self-worth and sanity. Targets of narcissistic abuse tend to focus on their faults, failures, and inadequacies, whether they’re real or not. Sometimes these “deficiencies” began as an idea expressed by the vocal narcissist.

There are several symptoms of narcissistic abuse syndrome. Many of these are the same as those of complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD,) which affects people who’ve experienced serious traumas.

Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome symptoms include:

• Accepting an imbalanced sense of responsibility
• Intrusive, or unwanted thoughts
• Unhealed triggers (physical and emotional responses to similar past traumatic situations)
• Flashbacks or nightmares where the target emotionally re-lives a traumatic experience
• Avoiding people, places or conditions linked to the narcissist or the traumatic event
• Feeling isolated, abandoned, or detached
• Feeling alert or hyper-vigilant, or easily startled (“fight or flight”)
• Negative thoughts about self and world
• Insecurity
• Shame
• Accepting misplaced blame
• Difficulty concentrating or sleeping
• Depression
• Self-destructive behaviors
• Involvement in abusive romantic relationships
• Lost trust in family or friends
• Feeling worthless or unworthy
• Lost sense of self
• Holding the narcissist in high esteem
• Doubting their judgment and decision-making skills
• Ignoring their own needs
• Devaluing or minimizing their contributions to relationships
• Making excuses for a narcissist’s behavior
• Continually trying to please the narcissist
• Attachment issues
• Weak boundaries
• Addictions
• Anxiety
• Perfectionism

If you constantly wonder about your narcissist’s emotional state, for example, what will he/she be like today? Should you try to avoid them? Or do you frequently-

• think about what you could be (or should be) doing differently to please them?
• believe your relationship problems are all your fault?
• deal with mood swings, lost sleep, anxiety, apprehension?

These are all symptoms of Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome, and if you have any of them you may also have trauma bonds. The good news is that you can detach from the abuse and heal. Keep learning and doing the work.

Tools for healing:

Learn about setting boundaries 

Learn about codependency and maladaptive coping skills

Understand the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle

Learn how to stop being a source of narcissistic supply

Learn about dysfunctional family roles

Try Expressive Writing

More Resources You May Like:

I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self

A Workbook and Journal

How to write the highest vibrating, most powerful affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things

Sold worldwide in any bookstore.

Quick links:

Barnes and Noble

Amazon

Walmart

Author Site

Join the Free Email Survival Course:

Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward

from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.

Private Facebook group included for members only.

There’s an app for that!

Get THE TOOLBOX APP

for instant information, support, and validation!

The Lemon Moms Series:

B&N

Kindle

Audible

Amazon

Nook

Google

Apple

Available formats: eBook, audiobook, hardcover, paperback, and large print too!

Get the TOOLBOX articles twice monthly to your inbox!

About the Author

As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping skills and healing strategies for herself. She happily shares those with others who want to learn and grow. 

Her Lemon Moms series and other books and articles are a combination of her education, knowledge, personal growth, and insight from her childhood experiences and subsequent recovery work.

Diane holds a Master of Science degree in Information Technology and a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology. She’s worked in numerous fields, including domestic violence and abuse, and is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer about family dysfunction. On The Toolbox, she writes about recovery strategies from hurtful people and painful, dysfunctional, or toxic relationships. She has authored four transformational books about healing and moving forward from narcissistic Victim Syndrome.

Visit her author’s site here: DianeMetcalf.com

Learn about the Lemon Moms series here: Lemon Moms

This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

Benefits of expressive writing

According to researcher Dr. James Pennebaker, a psychology professor at the University of Austin, Texas, people who use expressive writing to journal have improved mental and physical health.

Dr. Pennebaker pioneered a study of expressive writing as a coping mechanism for trauma. His, and hundreds of other studies have verified the benefits achieved by people suffering from PTSD, cancer, depression, and various other mental and physical ailments. This journaling technique was found to strengthen the immune system, reduce pain and inflammation, lower infection rate from colds or flu, and decrease depression symptoms. It can also improve memory, sleep quantity and quality, and attitude. It’s clear that there are many benefits associated with expressive writing!

How it works

Using expressive writing allows the writer to recognize a painful or traumatic experience and describe it as a problem to be solved. Doing this allows the writer to identify a particular problem and organize their thoughts and feelings, using written language to create the narrative. This process helps break the rumination cycle, which, in my experience, helps decrease or eliminate cognitive dissonance. Research shows that labeling our emotions actually calms the limbic system and the fight or flight response. (Look up “name it and tame it.”) The prefrontal cortex, which is in charge of executive functions, regains control, and a deeper meaning and understanding can be created around the memory or traumatic event. This leads the writer to feel a new sense of control and personal power regarding the traumatic event. The more we do this this type of journaling, the easier it gets.

When people become more comfortable thinking about and remembering a traumatic event, they are more able to share their feelings with others. Expressive writing may indirectly lead writers to seek emotional support, thereby accelerating the healing process.

As demonstrated in a 2006 study published in the Journal of Psychological Science, expressive writing can also improve relationships. The study found that when one partner wrote about their relationship in detail, both partners began using more positive language when texting each other. The relationship also lasted longer.

Don’t like to write?

If you don’t like journaling, you can still use expressive writing. Recording your thoughts has been shown to work just as well.

To use the technique, write without judgment, self-editing, or correcting spelling or grammatical mistakes. Just write it as you think or feel it. Write for 15 to 20 minutes for at least three consecutive days. Deep dive into your thoughts and feelings and write about them in detail when you do this.

I’m a big fan of journaling using expressive writing. I wrote the “Lemon Moms Companion Workbook” to supply the necessary prompts, questions and challenges to help you use expressive writing as one of your healing tools.

References:

How Do I Love Thee? Let Me Count the Words- The Social Effects of Expressive Writing

Feeling Upset? Try This Special Writing Technique

Expressive writing: Connections to physical and mental health

Tame Reactive Emotions by Naming Them

Tools for healing:

Conscious awareness:  Be aware and make conscious choices before acting. Self-awareness releases us from making impulsive and potentially damaging decisions. Practice mindfulness.

Learn about setting boundaries 

Learn about codependency and maladaptive coping skills

Read “Facing our demons during isolation”

More Resources You May Like:

I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self

A Workbook and Journal

How to write the highest vibrating, most powerful affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things

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About the Author

As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping skills and healing strategies for herself. She happily shares those with others who want to learn and grow. 

Her Lemon Moms series and other books and articles are a combination of her education, knowledge, personal growth, and insight from her childhood experiences and subsequent recovery work.

Diane holds a Master of Science degree in Information Technology and a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology. She’s worked in numerous fields, including domestic violence and abuse, and is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer about family dysfunction. On The Toolbox, she writes about recovery strategies from hurtful people and painful, dysfunctional, or toxic relationships. She has authored four transformational books about healing and moving forward from narcissistic Victim Syndrome.

Visit her author’s site here: DianeMetcalf.com

Learn about the Lemon Moms series here: Lemon Moms

This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.