Like other adult children of narcissists at this time of year, I was triggered by memories of an unloving, emotionally detached, uninvolved, neglectful and intentionally cruel mother. I also found myself envious of anyone who had a caring, loving mother, or who looked forward to spending mothers day with her. Every year, I experienced pain and turmoil because I was deeply codependent, and living in a state of denial about my maternal relationship. Every Mother’s Day, I was forced to face the reality of it in all its stark ugliness and demoralizing humiliation. At one point, I was actually a mother myself, yet still focused on making this day all about my own mother. I wasn’t able to enjoy what the day meant for me as a mother. Eventually I realized that something needed to change so I could experience the day in a whole new, healthy way.

Confusion and Cognitive Dissonance

If you are an empathetic person, you are naturally sensitive to others’ emotional needs. Trying to understand that narcissists don’t have this ability is difficult to understand or believe.

When our need for love and connection with our mothers is not met, we often blame ourselves. As children, we never thought there was something wrong with our mothers. Instead, we began forming beliefs that we were not good enough, and that we didn’t matter.

As adults, we took those beliefs with us and we keep returning to that parent, again and again, hoping and wishing that it will be different this time. We focus on gaining her approval, validation, acceptance, and love. We jump through any hoop she offers. And, as adults, if we’re still attempting to please our narcissistic moms, we’re putting ourselves in a no-win situation. Our failure to satisfy her will trigger more pain and confusion, and a continuation of the “not-good-enough’s” and “we-don’t-matter’s.

At some point, we may begin to entertain the idea that the problem is not us, and we might suspect it could be her. We may feel guilty for having these thoughts, yet, it’s something we need to consider.

There’s a Name For It

When I decided to actively pursue healing and personal growth, a therapist presented the idea that my mother may have an undiagnosed and untreated mental illness, most likely a personality disorder. This was exciting and validating news for me because I had entertained that idea for awhile. As I came to grasp the impact that my mother’s probable mental illness had on me, I felt a gamut of conflicting emotions.

“Narcissism Awareness Grief” (NAG) is a  condition coined by Dr. Christine Hammond, a Licensed Mental Health Counselor who works with exhausted women and their families. She teaches that the loss of a mother’s love, warmth, interest, and connection is a momentous one that must be consciously grieved.

Narcissism Awareness Grief acknowledges these losses and recognizes that our mothers’ narcissistic traits have negatively impacted us. We can then begin to come to terms with how they have impacted us. Through this acknowledgment, we can break through the coping mechanism of denial and start working through the six stages of grief, to finally arrive at the final phase: Acceptance. When you fully understand and accept that you cannot change or control your mother’s perception of you, the ball is truly in your court. It’s from the point of Acceptance that your life can and will change.

I remember very clearly what it was like to experience Narcissism Awareness Grief. As I slowly woke up to see the effects that my mother’s narcissistic traits had on me, I felt a mixture of shock, denial, disbelief, and a sense of overwhelming sadness. You see, when we discover that the traumatic lifestyle we’ve endured as children has an actual name, Narcissism Awareness Grief, it’s a massive relief. There’s an initial rush of validation, and we suddenly realize that we’re not alone, that we’re not crazy, and that we haven’t imagined any of it. Narcissistic trauma and abuse are real things, and we can recover from them. There is nothing—and there never was—anything inherently wrong with us, as we may have been led to believe.

Going No Contact, or Not

Many experts say when it comes to relationships with narcissists, that you have two choices: live on their terms (focusing on them, chasing after their withheld love, acceptance, and affection) or go “no contact.”

But here’s the rub: when a mother and adult child relationship fails, it’s the adult child who’s commonly believed to be responsible for the breach. Cultural opinions like these can keep an unloved daughter or son stuck in the place they’ve been since childhood—knowing that something’s wrong, blaming themselves, and wondering who will be able to love them if their own mother can’t. Going “no contact,” for me, felt like an “either/or” choice, having no flexibility, and was a “point of no return.” And it didn’t feel good.

I’ve never been a big fan of black and white thinking. I like seeing all the shades of gray. So, I created a third option for myself. I learned how to identify complex trauma symptoms, refuse the gaslighting, heal my c-ptsd symptoms, remove the drama from our relationship, set enforceable boundaries, shut down manipulation, and upgrade my communication style.

I still have a relationship with my mother, but it’s changed significantly. I no longer focus on what she does, says, or expects, and as a result, I no longer fee humiliated, unloved, invalidated, and rejected. The difference is that our relationship is on my terms now.

If you’re interested in how I did this, I wrote a book about it, called “Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism.”

In the meantime…

So, what can we adult children of maternal narcissists do to feel better about Mother’s Day this year?

Here are some suggestions that may help:

1. Remember, it’s a day, and like most days, you can make it what you want.
2. Question the card. Search for a generic Mother’s Day card, if you want to send a card at all.  Giving a card that says “Best Mom in the World” is an act of denial. The first step to healing is admitting that you grew up in a dysfunctional home. NO MORE DENIAL. It takes courage not to buy that lying card.  
3. Eliminate expectations. You can’t be disappointed if you don’t expect anything to be different this year. Learn to drop expectations.
4. Make new traditions.  Do the day differently. Celebrate yourself! Do something you enjoy, whether solo, with a friend, significant other, or your children. YOU get to determine how you will spend your time on this day.
5. Feel and express your feelings. Give yourself permission to feel and express whatever you’re feeling.  Give yourself space to cry, be angry, feel unloved, or grieve. Acknowledge that you have reason to feel these emotions, and validate your childhood memories. Start writing it all down in a journal to get it out in a healthy way.
6. Shift the focus. Practice gratitude, speak healing affirmations, or do something wonderful for someone else.
7. Make an appointment. If Mother’s Day annually triggers anxiety or depression, give yourself the gift of scheduled time with a professional to start or continue the healing process.
8. Seek support. Find support groups in your area or online. Talking with others who understand narcissism dynamics can help in your healing journey. And as always, don’t try to explain it to those who don’t. Other’s who don’t understand narcissism, or haven’t gone through Narcissism Awareness Grief and healed their own wounds, may unknowingly invalidate you, causing further trauma.
9. Express gratitude to mothers you know who are loving and kind. Honor other women who may have given you motherly love, perhaps a grandmother, aunt, co-worker, or friend.
10. If you are a mother, think about your values and work to end the legacy of one-sided love. Acknowledge and be grateful for your ability to love.
11. Start working a recovery program so you don’t pass the legacy down to your children. If you are working on your recovery, good for you! Do the work!

On Mother’s Day, let’s honor the mothers who have given their children the gifts of love and nurturing. At the same time, let’s acknowledge the truths of the daughters and sons of the mothers who did not fit the upheld, saintly mother stereotype. And let’s applaud the mothers who are working a recovery program to change their family legacy of narcissistic abuse.

References:

McBride, K. (2012, April 9). When Mother’s Day Hurts. Psychology Today. Retrieved April 21, 2021, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-legacy-distorted-love/201204/when-mother-s-day-hurts.

Hammond, C. (2019, June 29). What is narcissism awareness grief (NAG)? Retrieved August 2, 2019, from https://pro.psychcentral.com/exhausted-woman/2018/07/what-is-narissism-awareness-grief-nag/.

More tools for healing:

Start using loving detachment

Learn about the Gray Rock technique

Learn to set boundaries 

Learn about dysfunctional family roles

Understand trauma bonds

Learn about codependency and maladaptive coping skills

Understand the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle

Learn to drop expectations

Like these posts? Want more? Sign up to receive new posts every other Friday!

More resources for healing from childhood trauma, abuse or neglect:

Books by Diane Metcalf-Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism, the Lemon Moms Companion Workbook, and Lemon Moms: Life Altering Affirmations, Change Your Self-talk, Change YourSELF. Available on Amazon and wherever books are sold. (Kindle, paperback, audiobook.)

About the author

As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf has developed strong coping skills and healing strategies. She happily shares those insights with others who want to learn and recover. 

Her books and articles are the results of her education, knowledge, and personal insight regarding her own abusive experiences and subsequent recovery work. She is no longer a practicing Social Worker, Counselor, Program Manager or Advocate, nor is she or has she ever been a licensed psychologist.

Diane is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer on the topics of domestic violence, abuse, and family dysfunction. Currently, she writes about toxic relationships and recovery tools. Diane holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and has worked in numerous fields, including domestic violence and abuse. She also holds a Master of Science degree in Information Technology.

Currently, Diane runs her own website design company, Image and Aspect, and writes articles and tutorials for Tips and Snips, her inspirational blog for creative people. She continues to learn and write about Emotional Healing.

This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

How are Trauma Bonds Created?

Trauma bonds are created in several ways:

Love bombing: The love bombing dynamic occurs when a narcissist, including narcissistic mothers, unexpectedly showers you with love, attention, kindness, or affection. Love bombing comes in various forms—gift-giving, forgiveness for past “offenses,” anything that makes you feel validated or special. Love bombing helps form a trauma bond because it’s a form of intermittent reinforcement: you never know when it will happen.

Verbal abuse: Shouting, name-calling, sarcastic comments, character assassination, backhanded compliments, insults, demeaning remarks, “put-downs” and shaming are some examples of verbal abuse. The abuse happens on an irregular schedule, so it’s a form of intermittent reinforcement (spoken cruelty interspersed with periods of civility and kindness.) The resulting shame causes a trauma bond.

Positive reinforcement: Although it sounds healthy, positive reinforcement can also create trauma bonds. When a person, (including children) is rewarded for doing something they didn’t want to do, or obeying without question, there’s a trauma bond created. Healthy relationships don’t require rewards.

Victim blaming: When a narcissist blames their target (or the narcissist mother blames her child) for the cruelty inflicted upon them, they will likely believe they deserve it, because they’ve been conditioned to. This belief establishes a trauma bond.

Silent treatment: When a narcissist purposefully ignores you, that causes feelings of helpless, anxiety, and fear of abandonment. Having no control over the situation, you’ll focus on the narcissist and wait for their acceptance, however long it takes.

“Moving goalposts” (aka changing the goal): Narcissists often redefine or change their expectations, sometimes several times, during any interaction. Doing this ensures a frustrating encounter for those involved. A narcissist, (including narcissist mothers) is never satisfied, and keeping you emotionally invested in their happiness creates trauma bonds.

If you struggle with narcissistic abuse syndrome you’ll often doubt your self-worth and sanity. Targets of narcissistic abuse tend to focus on their faults, failures, and inadequacies, whether they’re real or not. Sometimes these “deficiencies” began as an idea expressed by the vocal narcissist.

There are several symptoms of narcissistic abuse syndrome. Many of these are the same as those of complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD,) which affects people who’ve experienced serious traumas.

Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome symptoms include:

• Accepting an imbalanced sense of responsibility
• Intrusive, or unwanted thoughts
• Unhealed triggers (physical and emotional responses to similar past traumatic situations)
• Flashbacks or nightmares where the target emotionally re-lives a traumatic experience
• Avoiding people, places or conditions linked to the narcissist or the traumatic event
• Feeling isolated, abandoned, or detached
• Feeling alert or hyper-vigilant, or easily startled (“fight or flight”)
• Negative thoughts about self and world
• Insecurity
• Shame
• Accepting misplaced blame
• Difficulty concentrating or sleeping
• Depression
• Self-destructive behaviors
• Involvement in abusive romantic relationships
• Lost trust in family or friends
• Feeling worthless or unworthy
• Lost sense of self
• Holding the narcissist in high esteem
• Doubting their judgment and decision-making skills
• Ignoring their own needs
• Devaluing or minimizing their contributions to relationships
• Making excuses for a narcissist’s behavior
• Continually trying to please the narcissist
• Attachment issues
• Weak boundaries
• Addictions
• Anxiety
• Perfectionism

If you constantly wonder about your narcissist’s emotional state, for example, what will he/she be like today? Should you try to avoid them? Or do you you frequently-

• think about what you could be (or should be) doing differently to please them?
• believe your relationship problems are all your fault?
• deal with mood swings, lost sleep, anxiety, apprehension?

These are all symptoms of Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome, and if you have any of them you may also have trauma bonds. The good news is that you can detach from the abuse and heal. Keep learning and doing the work.

Tools for healing:

Learn about setting boundaries 

Learn about codependency and maladaptive coping skills

Understand the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle

Learn how to stop being a source of narcissistic supply

Learn about dysfunctional family roles

Try Expressive Writing

Lemon Moms: Resources to guide you in healing from childhood trauma, abuse or neglect. Available on Amazon and wherever books are sold. (Kindle, Audiobook and paperback format.)

Like these articles? Want more?

Sign up to receive new blog posts every other Friday!

About the author

As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf has developed strong coping skills and healing strategies. She happily shares those insights with others who want to learn and recover. 

Her books and articles are the results of her education, knowledge, and personal insight regarding her own abusive experiences and subsequent recovery work. She is no longer a practicing Social Worker, Counselor, Program Manager or Advocate, nor is she or has she ever been a licensed psychologist.

Diane is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer on the topics of domestic violence, abuse, and family dysfunction. Currently, she writes about toxic relationships and recovery tools. Diane holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and has worked in numerous fields, including domestic violence and abuse. She also holds a Master of Science degree in Information Technology.

Currently, Diane runs her own website design company, Image and Aspect, and writes articles and tutorials for Tips and Snips, her inspirational blog for creative people. She continues to learn and write about Emotional Healing.

This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

The following diagram is based on Walker’s Cycle of Abuse.

(Walker, L.E.,1979)

The first phase is the “Tension Building” period. In it, the target senses growing strain in the relationship, and becomes anxious, highly alert, and guarded. There is an unshakeable feeling that there will be an abusive incident soon. Hence, the target attempts to control the environment to keep the abuser happy and calm.

In phase two, the abusive incident occurs. The abuse may be physical, mental, spiritual, emotional, verbal, or financial. Examples include name-calling, gaslighting, threats, intimidation, angry outbursts, arguing, blaming, and withholding love, affection, and attention.

The third phase is the “Remorse” period. In this phase, the abuser apologizes, makes excuses, and promises that the abuse will never happen again. The target is showered with love, affection, and attention, and sometimes offered gifts and tokens of affection as indicators of sorrow.

The “Honeymoon” is the fourth phase. There is a period of calm in the relationship while the abuser attempts to make the target feel loved, safe, and secure. The Honeymoon will continue for an undetermined amount of time, the length of which may change with every cycle.

This entire cycle will continuously repeat, often over years, until it is intentionally interrupted by one of the two participants. One way of interrupting the cycle is for the target to leave the relationship.

When a narcissist is involved in the cycle of abuse, it plays out differently. The “Remorse” phase is not present in the narcissistic abuse cycle because narcissists are unwilling to accept responsibility and would instead place the blame on their target.

Remember, narcissists need to feel superior and “right” in every situation. This, combined with their lack of empathy, means that they don’t experience feelings of remorse. Remorsefulness requires empathy, sympathy, and taking responsibility for our actions (Hammond 2018). So, the narcissistic cycle of abuse differs significantly from Walker’s cycle of abuse in this phase.

The Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse

Here is what the cycle of abuse looks like when a narcissist is the offender. This diagram is based on Christine Hammond’s “Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse.”

(Hammond, C. 2018)

How the Phases Are Different

In phase one, a Narcissistic Injury occurs. The abuser feels rejected, threatened, jealous, abandoned, disrespected, or any feeling that challenges their superiority. The target feels anxious and tries to appease and please the narcissist, much like in phase one of Walker’s Cycle of Abuse.

As in Walker’s Cycle of Abuse, phase two is also an Abusive Incident, which could be physical, mental, spiritual, emotional, verbal, or financial. Examples include name-calling, gaslighting, threats, intimidation, angry outbursts, arguing, blaming, withholding love, affection, and attention.

Phase three is completely different in the Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse. When the cycle involves a narcissist, the roles in the Remorse stage are reversed. Now the narcissist will play the part of the abused/victim, and the target will apologize and appease. What eventually happens in the fourth phase is that narcissistic behaviors become stronger, and the abuse cycle repeats until someone intentionally breaks the cycle. To break it, the target needs to change their behavior by not accepting the role reversal. In other words, the target will no longer take the blame or accept the role of the abuser.

Subtleties of Abuse: Golden, Invisible and Scapegoat

As I’ve mentioned in the book “Lemon Moms,” there’s a particularly dysfunctional family dynamic in which one of the children of a narcissistic (or alcoholic, dysfunctional, mentally ill) parent becomes the “idealized” parental favorite, known as the “Golden Child.” The other children will take turns being devalued and blamed, known as the “Invisible Child” and the “Scapegoat. The dysfunctional parent controls these roles.

The roles of the Golden Child, Invisible Child, and Scapegoat are flexible; any role can be assigned to any child at any time, depending on the parent’s mood. It’s a “crazy-making” situation because the toxic parent has the unchallenged power to change the entire family dynamic unpredictably. The children are caught unaware and unprepared.

The Golden Child: The Golden Child’s role is to bring positive attention to the the toxic or narcissistic parent and the family. The Golden Child is the favorite, and as such, may have a special status and receive more attention and praise. They’re the ones that get bragged about. They make the dysfunctional parent look good. Even so, the parent will always take some credit for their children’s accomplishments.

The Invisible Child (aka Lost Child): The role of the Invisible Child is to “stay under the radar,” to follow the rules unquestioningly, be quiet, and easy-going. Invisible Children are often taken for granted, and their needs are neglected because they never complain or ask for anything. Invisible Children may internalize a sense of having no impact on others.

The Scapegoat: The Scapegoat’s role is to bear the blame for all of the family’s problems. They are the butt of jokes and get less of everything than the other siblings. They are seen as the problem child. Scapegoats often grow up to become the ones who speak up and challenge the dysfunction.

A sudden change in family positions is upsetting. These random role reversals affect our sense of observation, decision-making, and self-trust because we never know if the explanation we’re giving ourselves is accurate. And we’re continuously guessing our current standing within the family.

Those of us who’ve lived under those circumstances were usually on high alert, in fight-or-flight survival mode, because we had no idea when the next attack or role reversal would happen. It meant we were continuously producing stress hormones like adrenaline and cortisol, so it was a common occurrence to feel confused or experience scattered thinking.

Living under these circumstances can result in destroying a child’s self-esteem and cause them to feel unnecessary fear and shame.

Tools for healing:

Learn more about Dysfunctional Roles: Golden, Invisible and Scapegoat

Learn about expectations

Learn about setting boundaries 

Learn about codependency and maladaptive coping skills

Take the Adverse Childhood Experiences quiz

Learn about Narcissism Awareness Grief

Self-care: We can only choose to focus on and be responsible for ourselves, our own thoughts, actions, and behavior. We can take responsibility for getting our needs met, instead of waiting for someone to change or meet our needs for us. We are in control of ourselves and no one is responsible for us but us. We can change ourselves with patience, persistence, and practice.

Conscious awareness:  Be aware and make conscious choices before acting. Self-awareness releases us from making impulsive and potentially damaging decisions. Practice mindfulness.

Learn about letting go of what you can’t control, by using loving-detachment

Lemon Moms: Resources to guide you in healing from childhood trauma, abuse or neglect. Available on Amazon and wherever books are sold. (Kindle, Audiobook and paperback format.)

About the author

Diane Metcalf is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer on the topics of domestic violence, abuse, and family dysfunction. Currently, she writes about toxic relationships and recovery tools. Diane holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and has worked in numerous fields, including domestic violence and abuse. She also holds a Master of Science degree in Information Technology.

As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, she has developed strong coping skills and healing strategies. She happily shares those insights with others who want to learn and recover. 

Her books and articles are the results of her education, knowledge, and personal insight regarding her own abusive experiences and subsequent recovery work. She is no longer a practicing Social Worker, Counselor, Program Manager or Advocate, nor is she or has she ever been a licensed psychologist.

Currently, Diane runs her own website design company, Image and Aspect, and writes articles and tutorials for Tips and Snips, her inspirational blog for creative people. She continues to learn and write about Emotional Healing.

This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

Why is codependency something to be healed?

Codependency is a form of self-abandonment. Instead of focusing on our lives, goals, issues, and our “stuff,” we focus on others and look for validation and approval from them. Other’s needs come first, and ours come last. Living like this can cause codependent individuals to become depressed or anxious or experience panic disorders. And because we abandon ourselves, we may doubt ourselves, have low self-esteem, low energy, feelings of helplessness, hopelessness, powerlessness, defeat, and low self-worth. When we have low self-worth, it’s natural to feel that we’re not worthy or good enough to ask for what we want or need. Instead, we might learn to get our needs met by manipulating people or consequences. We may discover that we feel worthy or good enough when we accept responsibilities that aren’t ours. As we mature, in order for us to feel emotionally or physically safe, it can feel natural and necessary for us to control as much of our environment as possible.

When we spend more time emotionally taking care of or focusing on others than ourselves, trying to control their behavior, how they perceive us, or the consequences of their choices, we have become codependent. When we take responsibility, blame, or make excuses for their harmful or hurtful behavior, we have become codependent. When we rely on others for our sense of identity, approval, or validation, we have become codependent. If we are focused on someone’s life, goals, issues, and “stuff,” instead of our own, we have become codependent. If their needs come first, and ours come last, we have become codependent.

If you are an “action taker” and a “do-er,” you might be a codependent.

The stages of becoming codependent

Codependency exists on a continuum, from mild to severe. There are three stages in the development of codependency: the loss of self, the need to appease someone important to us, and the need to control the consequences of the other’s behavior. Let’s talk about each of those.

Loss of self: This early-stage of codependency looks like we’re paying an increasing amount of attention to someone else. We may monitor their moods, become hypervigilant, and feel a strong desire to please them. In this phase, we deny or rationalize their problem behaviors and fabricate explanations that maintain our sense of safety. We may endure gaslighting because our focus is on keeping them calm and minimizing verbal or physical attacks, or some other problematic behavior. We are as invisible as possible. We learn that we don’t matter.

Need to appease: This stage takes increased effort as we continue denying or minimizing the more painful aspects of a relationship. We likely feel anxious, guilty, and ashamed, but we purposefully hide these feelings from ourselves and others, along with our relationship problems. We may withdraw from other relationships and activities we enjoy. Our self-esteem decreases, and we continue to compromise ourselves to maintain a semblance of stability or predictability. Our focus is on taking someone’s “emotional temperature.” We learn to adjust our behavior and expectations according to what we sense is happening with them. We may feel angry, disappointed, unloved, or unimportant when we’re in this phase of codependency. We may begin using other maladaptive coping behaviors, including eating, bingeing, self-harming, stealing, engaging in risky sexual activity, or abusing substances.

Need to control consequences: In late-stage codependency, emotional and behavioral symptoms start affecting us. We may experience health issues like stomachaches, nightmares, headaches, muscle pain, tension, and TMJ. Self-esteem and self-care are almost nonexistent at this point, replaced by feelings of hopelessness, helplessness, anger, resentment, and overall unhappiness. We may begin to feel more symptoms of C-PTSD if we live with repetitive traumatic events.

When we’re in healthy relationships, we don’t feel obligated to help others avoid their naturally occurring consequences. Instead, both parties understand that outcomes should be experienced by the person who’s responsible for causing them.

Adult children

When we develop codependent coping skills as children, we will more than likely take them with us into adulthood, if we haven’t learned healthy ways of coping. If we became codependent as children, we were probably caretakers for other adults or siblings. We were likely required to mature quickly and take responsibilities that were not age-appropriate. When it felt unsafe for us to be around our caretaker, we learned to tiptoe around the instability. We learned to “put-up and shut-up.” We monitored moods and responded accordingly, we noticed behavioral patterns, and we became very good at predicting behavior. We learned how to take the initiative in making someone else’s life easier or better so we could feel a sense of stability and safety. We became accustomed to doing things for them and others that they could do for themselves. Controlling our environment became equivalent to feeling safe.

Letting go of and no longer controlling the outcomes and consequences of someone else’s actions are some of the first steps in healing codependency.

As codependent adults, we spend time thinking about how to please and caretake others while our own social, professional, and personal responsibilities get neglected. We continue focusing on others despite the problems it creates. Because we still desire love, connection, and affection, we will continue compromising ourselves, emotionally caretaking and chasing after love and affection, while settling for crumbs and feeling unloved, unseen and not good enough. These behaviors eventually affect our ability to have healthy, mutually satisfying adult relationships. Because we feel confused, distrustful, hesitant, disoriented, and emotionally exhausted, we often find ourselves searching for answers and explanations as to why we feel this way.

We may also seek out individuals who fit with our codependent personality. Codependency lends itself nicely to all kinds of unhealthy relationships. It wouldn’t be unusual to find ourselves in relationships involving alcoholism, substance abuse, verbal or physical abuse, and mental illness, including narcissism. Those who have experienced childhood trauma or abuse may eventually find themselves in abusive, toxic, or less-than-satisfying adult relationships. It makes sense: this toxic person’s behavior and way of relating to us seem familiar, and we already know our role and what’s expected of us within the relationship.

As codependents, we try forcing ourselves painfully into a mold that we will never fit into. And we repeatedly try to become someone else’s idea of who we should be. Not knowing details about yourself that you know about other’s in your life, like favorite foods, music, authors, etc. are the result of an other-directed, other-focused upbringing.

Codependents enjoy offering suggestions and advice even though they haven’t been asked for them. If we’re codependent, we feel responsible for people and issues that aren’t our responsibility. If we don’t attempt to help, fix, or control, we often feel guilty or ashamed. It feels wrong or selfish when we don’t jump in, take charge, or assist others who seem to be struggling. It feels wrong not to help even when they haven’t asked for our help. We feel that somehow it’s our job to take action, take over, and fix. We often feel the need to make excuses for others’ mistreatment of us or their poor behavior in general. We explain and justify to ourselves why it’s OK for them to do so. We often take the blame or minimize and deny the pain they cause. We codependents are famously known for our discomfort with saying, “no.”

If we’re codependent, we most likely don’t have boundaries. We’ll overexplain and defend ourselves because we want to been seen, affirmed, validated and understood. We’ll continuously seek affirmation outside of ourselves to feel “good enough” or like we matter. Others often describe us as needy, “clingy,” or insecure.

How to know if you’re codependent

Are you codependent?

• Have you taken actions that prevent someone from feeling or experiencing the consequences of their choices?
• Have you tried to control the outcome of a particular situation or event?
• Have you taken responsibility for someone’s actions or poor choices?

When you take responsibility (or accept blame or make excuses) for someone’s harmful or hurtful behavior, it “enables” them to keep doing it. (a) You’ve taken all the responsibility away from them and placed it on yourself, and (b) there are no negative consequences from which they can learn.

• Do you do things for other’s that they could do for themselves?

Although it often feels right to take care of others, we’re often left feeling taken advantage of or resentful. So, if you feel resentful about something you did or are doing for someone, it might be that you’re using codependent behavior.

• Have I/do I try to manage or control someone or their choices?
• Have I taken on responsibilities that aren’t mine?
• Have I ever been called “controlling” or a “control freak?”
• Do I take care of others by cleaning up their messes, both figuratively and otherwise?

Codependency includes behaviors like the ones listed below. How many of these do you notice in yourself?

• Being preoccupied or concerned with the needs of others
• Placing a low priority on your own needs
• Being attracted to needy or emotionally unavailable people
• Believing that you have to be in a romantic relationship before you your life feels meaningful
• Trying to control another’s behavior
• Feeling incapable of ending a harmful or toxic relationship
• Trying to please everyone even though you know you’ll feel resentful
• Not taking time for yourself, or ignoring your self-care
• Fearing for another’s safety but being willing to risk your safety
• Shielding someone from the consequences of their actions
• Taking responsibility for how another person feels
• Taking responsibility for what another person does
• Trying to fix someone’s problem when they haven’t asked you to
• Helping because it makes you feel better
• Feeling like your life is full of unwanted drama

Healing codependency

Healing requires acknowledging your pain without letting it define you. Our wounds have left scars that will always be with us. But when we start healing and moving forward, the scars fade over time, hurting less, becoming less obvious, and we can truly heal and move forward. Healthy coping mechanisms help us to make sense of confusing or threatening life experiences and to respond appropriately in wholesome ways. When we use healthy coping skills, we’re able to “reframe” unpleasant events in a way that is healthier for us and feels better too. Reframing is a step in the healing process.

When we’re free of codependent thinking and coping, we will understand and accept that we’re separate and complete beings. We have a strong sense of self, and our boundaries are squarely in place. We feel comfortable continuing to set new boundaries that keep us healthy, happy, and safe. We don’t feel any need to justify, explain, or make sense of another person’s behavior, to ourselves or anyone else. We understand that other’s choices and actions are their responsibility, not ours. People are entitled to have thoughts and feelings about you that are incorrect. It’s not your job to correct their thinking. They will see you the way they see you. If you argue with them, defend yourself or get emotional, you will become drained, while they are being recharged.

Once you have healthy boundaries in place, you will experience a shift in your emotions. You may start to notice that your sense of safety, security, and control, no longer need to come from people-pleasing and manipulating outcomes. Instead, they’ll come from your boundaries.

Living as a codependent means that we’re not going to get our needs met, yet asking for anything on our own behalf feels wrong, imposing, excessive, or selfish. We’re afraid of dissatisfying others. If we disappoint anyone, it often leads to feeling guilt and shame, yet we continually look for someone to please. We make excuses for their poor behavior or mistreatment of us, minimizing the pain they cause. Holding on to this mindset and behavior pattern will attract dysfunctional people to us.

It helps to take a pretty deep and fearless dive into what’s actually going on with our thoughts and behavior. When I was ready, I began looking at how I chose to spend my time, noticing who benefited from it and who did not. I started to see it when I took care of others’ needs and ignored or denied my own. I asked myself why I made the choices I did. Little by little, I learned to live in awareness, with intention. (Not always, but more and more often!) My negative self-talk once enforced my belief that everyone’s needs were more important than my own. I started changing the self-talk, and I questioned, then changed, those limiting beliefs.

Some of the other steps I took to break free of codependency in addition to self-awareness were: living in the moment, focusing on one day at a time, building a network of emotionally healthy people and letting go of ones who weren’t, and prioritizing self-care. As I learned to become aware of my codependent thinking and behaving, I was better able to let go of my desire to control outcomes, no matter how good my intentions were. I got comfortable watching friends and loved ones deal with the consequences of their poor choices. I had to sit still and stay uninvolved when they made poor decisions, even if it hurt them or cost them money or relationships. I learned to give them the freedom and dignity to make their own choices and to deal and learn from the outcomes on their own. I learned to stop fixing and rescuing. I learned how to detach with love, set boundaries, and focus on self-care.

Setting boundaries, saying “no,” and letting others learn their life lessons “the hard way” became a few of my goals. I started to see my role in creating trauma bonds, and I learned how to break those bonds. It was a slow, deliberate, and sometimes painful process.

Tools for healing:

Conscious awareness:  Be aware and make conscious choices before acting. Self-awareness releases us from making impulsive and potentially damaging decisions.

Practice mindfulness

Self-care: We can only choose to focus on and be responsible for ourselves, our own thoughts, actions, and behavior. The good news is that we can change ourselves with patience, persistence, and practice. We can take responsibility for getting our needs met, instead of waiting for someone to change or meet our needs for us. We are in control of ourselves and no one is responsible for us but us.

Learn about letting go of what you can’t control, by using loving-detachment

Learn about expectations

Learn about setting boundaries 

Lemon Moms: Resources to guide you in healing from childhood trauma, abuse or neglect. Available on Amazon and wherever books are sold. (Kindle, Audiobook and paperback format.)

Like these articles? Want more?

Sign up to receive new blog posts every other Friday!

About the author

Diane Metcalf is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer on the topics of domestic violence, abuse, and family dysfunction. Currently, she writes about toxic relationships and recovery tools. Diane holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and has worked in numerous fields, including domestic violence and abuse. She holds a Master of Science degree in Information Technology.

As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, she has developed strong coping skills and healing strategies. She happily shares those insights with others who want to learn and recover. 

Her books and articles are the results of her education, knowledge, and personal insight regarding her own abusive experiences and subsequent recovery work. She is no longer a practicing Social Worker, Counselor, Program Manager or Advocate, nor is she or has she ever been a licensed psychologist.

Currently, Diane runs her own website design company, Image and Aspect, and writes articles and tutorials for Tips and Snips, her inspirational blog for creative people. She continues to learn and write about Emotional Healing.

This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

When you’re emotionally in the middle of dealing with continual conflicting beliefs, memories, thoughts, ideas, or values, you’re experiencing the confusion and mental discomfort known as cognitive dissonance. Cognitive dissonance indicates a state of existing in a set of continually opposing or conflicting viewpoints, beliefs, or behaviors. It’s the result of manipulation, specifically of gaslighting. To restore their emotional balance, the afflicted person must change or remove the inconsistencies or conflicts. This is done on an ongoing basis.

Although it doesn’t sound like it, cognitive dissonance can be healthy. For example, guilt is a positive and healthy form of cognitive dissonance. Guilt allows us to see the discrepancy between “this is who I say I am, but this is what I did.” We feel guilty when “who we are” and “what we did” are not aligned. This misalignment causes us to feel empathy for the person we wronged. For example, if I believe I’m a gentle, kind, and loving person, and I make a cruel remark to someone, my perception of “who I am” no longer matches “what I did.” A gentle, kind, and loving person would not say mean things. I would be motivated by feelings of guilt to apologize to the person I hurt. The cognitive dissonance provided by our guilt drives us to atone for our actions.

Cognitive dissonance has a dark side, and it’s harmful.

When we’re gaslighted regularly, our level of cognitive dissonance grows, and the crazier and more out-of-touch we feel. We’re unsure of what’s real and what’s not, what’s true and what’s not, what to believe or not, and we don’t know whether to believe our senses or only to accept what we’re told.

We all tell ourselves stories. It’s how we make sense of ourselves and the world. Our egos translate our experiences so they make sense, but doing this when we’re in a state of cognitive dissonance can keep us stuck. To get unstuck, we might choose to accept the best explanation that we can come up with, regardless if it’s accurate.

For example, think about the possible explanations for a situation that a six-year-old might create, versus a twenty-year-old, or a thirty-five-year-old. Youth and immaturity work against us when we’re gaslighted as kids. We’re not experienced or knowledgeable enough to imagine plausible and realistic explanations. At ten, if my best friend doesn’t reach out, I might think it’s because she doesn’t like me anymore. But at thirty, if I haven’t heard from my friend, I might think it’s because she’s preoccupied, tired, not feeling well, etc. I can choose any number of explanations, and they’ll align with my current self-concept. Now, if I formed the belief in childhood that  I’m unlovable, and I carried that belief with me into adulthood, my interpretation of other’s behavior will reflect that belief. If I have strong self-esteem, then my interpretation will reflect that. We interpret our reality using these emotional “filters.” It’s important to remember this because our filters can and do change. Our perceptions and interpretations also continually change and develop as we mature physically, intellectually, socially, spiritually, and emotionally.

Remember that “beliefs” are thoughts that have emotions attached to them. Eliminating inaccurate beliefs is a primary key to healing. Pick a childhood belief. What thoughts and feelings are still connected to it? For example: “I’m not smart.” List feelings, thoughts, and actions that come from that belief and write about them at length. Is the belief still relevant today? Why or why not? Explain. Learn about therapeutic approaches like Tapping, Neurolinguistic Programming, or Cognitive Behavioral Therapy to eliminate faulty beliefs and create healthy new ones. Invest time to investigate other methods for changing beliefs. We acquired our beliefs as children. We get to replace them with ones that serve us, as adults.

Cognitive dissonance is one of the most challenging aspects of healing. Because of gaslighting, we’ve learned to disregard or mistrust our perceptions, judgment, and memory. We may have learned to trust and accept our mother’s interpretation of the world and events and we may now rely on her interpretations, judgment, and perceptions instead of our own.

When you were gaslighted by your mother as a child, you probably received unexpected or inappropriate responses from her. Your response to her gaslighting may have been determined to be incorrect, unreasonable, or shameful. You may have wondered why your mother gave you strange looks that caused you to question your actions and words. Now, as an adult, you may be fearful for your mental health, you’re concerned that you may be losing your mind. You accept that you’re the illogical one, or that you’re mentally ill. You’re confused by things she says and does, but your observations can’t be validated because you’re often the only witness or the only one who finds her behavior strange.

Gaslighting often leads to depression, anxiety, helplessness, hopelessness, or exhaustion. If it’s severe, you may feel like your sense of self is “fuzzy” and “reality” feels dreamlike. You probably can’t think clearly and have trouble with problem-solving and making decisions. This is cognitive dissonance.

I’d often get confused, stressed, and frustrated when my mother denied doing or saying something I’d witnessed. I’d ask, “You’re saying that I didn’t see what I know I just saw?” And she’d reply in an exasperated or dismayed tone of voice, “You dreamt it,” “You imagined it,” or “So-and-so did that, not me.” It shouldn’t surprise you that I grew up to continue that tradition. I excelled at self-gaslighting. When you convince yourself that you didn’t just hear what you know you heard or that you didn’t just see what you know you saw….you are self-gaslighting. We do it to protect ourselves from further trauma.

Self-gaslighting

Self-gaslighting also contributes to cognitive dissonance. When we tell ourselves that someone’s actions or behavior was our fault, we’re self-gaslighting. We may convince ourselves that we somehow provoked their hurtful behavior, or we take responsibility for the things they did to hurt us. When we self-gaslight, we not only accept blame, we intentionally place it on ourselves. We lie to ourselves and then spend precious emotional energy, convincing ourselves that we’re not. It’s exhausting. Throughout your healing process, remind yourself not to do that anymore. Be honest with yourself now. Stand up for yourself and become your own advocate. If you won’t, then who will? Tell yourself the truth and stop accepting gaslighting from anybody, including yourself, period. Practice mindfulness to become aware that you’re doing it and stop every time.

Humans have a natural need for their attitudes, beliefs, and behaviors to co-exist peacefully with each other. This is known as “cognitive consistency.” Living in a state of cognitive consistency means that we feel stable, relaxed, and secure. For example, if I believe I’m an honest person, and I act accordingly, it means I’ll tell the truth even when it’s uncomfortable or it gets me into trouble. Doing so means I’ll maintain my integrity and my cognitive consistency.

For those of us who’ve experienced gaslighting as children, it likely caused harmful cognitive dissonance and reduced us to confused, uncertain, dependent shadows of our true selves. It robbed us of our ability to think logically, make decisions easily, use sound judgment, and recall accurately. Instead, we doubt ourselves, always second-guessing our thoughts, emotions, and decisions. I believe that gaslighting is the most treacherous form of manipulation because it undermines our sense of self and stability.

How cognitive dissonance is resolved

Most of us consciously or unconsciously resolve cognitive dissonance by doing one of these three things:

1. Change our thoughts: Choosing this option means you change your thoughts and beliefs to match those of your narcissistic mom. For example, you accept your mother’s perspective that you lack common sense, rather than continue believing that you have sound judgment. Now you agree with your mother, which eliminates the emotional conflict and cognitive dissonance.
2. Change our actions: With this approach, you change your behavior, so it matches your beliefs about yourself. Using the above example, you find ways to demonstrate that you actually have sound judgment and common sense. Your actions now match your mindset, eliminating the emotional conflict and cognitive dissonance.
3. Justify our perceptions: You really do lack common sense and sound judgment, and you rationalize this by minimizing their value and significance. In essence, you trivialize your lack of common sense and sound judgment to eliminate the emotional conflict and cognitive dissonance.

Resolving cognitive dissonance isn’t always done on a conscious level, although we may be aware that we have choices to make. At some point, we’ll use one of the three methods to keep our sanity intact.

Eliminating cognitive dissonance isn’t a “one and done” thing. Typically, and speaking from my own experience, we play around with the three possibilities for resolution, trying them on, seeing how they fit and feel. Eventually, we settle on one that suits us best, that causes us the least mental and emotional stress.

Because my mother liked to overwrite my perceptions and memories with her own, I heard a lot of, “I never said that,” “You imagined it,” “You dreamt it,” or “It wasn’t me.” I was in a continual state of self-doubt and confusion from her insistence that I perceived and remembered events inaccurately. My ability to make decisions and to trust my own senses was severely negatively impacted. I eventually came to believe that the discrepancies between my own observations and those of my mother were flaws in my memory and perception. I became obsessed with explaining the disparities between what I observed and what I was told I observed. I remained in a state of cognitive dissonance throughout my childhood. If you can relate, I urge you to start your healing journey now and recover from the resulting cognitive dissonance.

Tools for healing:

Conscious awareness:  Be aware and make conscious choices before acting. Self-awareness releases us from making impulsive and potentially damaging decisions.

Practice mindfulness

Learn about codependency and maladaptive coping skills

Take the Adverse Childhood Experiences quiz

Learn about Narcissism Awareness Grief

Understand the abuse cycle

Learn about letting go of what you can’t control, by using loving-detachment

Learn about expectations

Learn about setting boundaries 

Self-care: We can only choose to focus on and be responsible for ourselves, our own thoughts, actions, and behavior. The good news is that we can change ourselves with patience, persistence, and practice. We can take responsibility for getting our needs met, instead of waiting for someone to change or meet our needs for us. We are in control of ourselves and no one is responsible for us but us.

Lemon Moms: Resources to guide you in healing from childhood trauma, abuse or neglect. Available on Amazon and wherever books are sold. (Kindle, Audiobook and paperback format.)

Like these articles? Want more?

Sign up to receive new blog posts every other Friday!

About the author

As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf has developed strong coping skills and healing strategies. She happily shares those insights with others who want to learn and recover. 

She is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer on the topics of domestic violence, abuse, and family dysfunction. Currently, she writes about toxic relationships and recovery tools. Diane holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and has worked in numerous fields, including domestic violence and abuse. She holds a Master of Science degree in Information Technology.

Her books and articles are the results of her education, knowledge, and personal insight regarding her own abusive experiences and subsequent recovery work. She is no longer a practicing Social Worker, Counselor, Program Manager or Advocate, nor is she or has she ever been a licensed psychologist.

Currently, Diane runs her own website design company, Image and Aspect, and writes articles and tutorials for Tips and Snips, her inspirational blog for creative people. She continues to learn and write about Emotional Healing.

This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

Here are some of the responses these incredible people provided. I hope this list gives you a new sense of personal power and helps you recognize more of what makes you awesome!

Claim your superpowers

• Dark sense of humor
• Able to sense toxic people
• Able to detect mental illness or something mentally wrong with a person
• Able to easily read body language
• Able to sense danger
• Fierce independence
• Resourcefulness
• Resilience
• Psychoanalyzes everyone
• Strong intuition
• Self-sufficiency
• Good at pretending to be asleep
• Self mothering/nurturing
• Anticipate multiple outcomes and prepared for almost anything
• Content being alone
• Able to tolerate high stress
• Knows when something bad is going to happen
• Feel other peoples energy
• Feel calm in an emergency or crisis
• Able to figure out complicated things
• Nurturing
• Patient
• Able to read micro facial expressions
• Able to detect changes in people’s energy
• Can hone-in on certain sounds: keys, footsteps, voices, car engines
• Move stealthily/silently
• Become invisible/unnoticeable
• Able to sneeze, cough and cry silently
• Good at keeping other’s secrets
• Empathic
• Remember every detail of events and conversations because of former gaslighting
• Great at dealing with angry people
• Ability to sense a con-artist
• Great at cleaning
• Great at anything to do with image: interior designing, decorating, styling clothing, accessorizing
• Great at detecting narcissists
• Able to hide emotions
• Able to detect untrustworthy people
• Able to lie well if needed
• Able to manipulate others if needed
• Very discerning
• Well organized
• Ability to admit when wrong
• Resourceful
• Quick thinking
• Ability to escape situations
• Able to see other’s perspectives
• Able to manage people
• Ability to emotionally detach
• Able to tune people out
• Can switch emotions on and off
• Adaptable to any surroundings
• Able to dissect a situation in seconds
• Able to diffuse arguments
• Good emotional control
• Cook well and able to make meals out of “nothing”
• Outspoken
• Great self-preservation skills
• Super observant
• Deep self-awareness
• Able to save money for unforeseen trouble
• Thrive under pressure
• See the “red flags” (but don’t always follow through)
• A problem solver
• Perfectionistic
• Successfully sneaky when needed
• Have bionic ears
• Diplomatic
• Empathetic
• Can get along with literally anyone

What superpowers do YOU have? If you send them to me at [email protected], I’ll add them to this list. (anonymously of course!)

Tools for healing:

Conscious awareness:  Be aware and make conscious choices before acting. Self-awareness releases us from making impulsive and potentially damaging decisions.

Understand the abuse cycle

Learn about codependency

Learn about letting go of what you can’t control, by using loving-detachment

Learn about expectations

Learn about setting boundaries 

Self-care: We can only choose to focus on and be responsible for ourselves, our own thoughts, actions, and behavior. The good news is that we can change ourselves with patience, persistence, and practice. We can take responsibility for getting our needs met, instead of waiting for someone to change or meet our needs for us. We are in control of ourselves and no one is responsible for us but us.

Practice mindfulness

Learn about codependency and maladaptive coping skills

Take the Adverse Childhood Experiences quiz

Learn about Narcissism Awareness Grief

Lemon Moms: Resources to guide you in healing from childhood trauma, abuse or neglect. Available on Amazon and wherever books are sold. (Kindle, Audiobook and paperback format.)

About the author

Diane Metcalf is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer on the topics of domestic violence, abuse, and family dysfunction. Currently, she writes about toxic relationships and recovery tools. Diane holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and has worked in numerous fields, including domestic violence and abuse. She holds a Master of Science degree in Information Technology.

As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, she has developed strong coping skills and healing strategies. She happily shares those insights with others who want to learn and recover. 

Her books and articles are the results of her education, knowledge, and personal insight regarding her own abusive experiences and subsequent recovery work. She is no longer a practicing Social Worker, Counselor, Program Manager or Advocate, nor is she or has she ever been a licensed psychologist.

Currently, Diane runs her own website design company, Image and Aspect, and writes articles and tutorials for Tips and Snips, her inspirational blog for creative people. She continues to learn and write about Emotional Healing.

This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.