Tools for Healing

from Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism

Tools:

Learn to recognize Narcissistic Traits

Find out if you’re experiencing Narcissism Awareness Grief

Understand the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle

Understand Narcissistic Supply

Learn how to deal with what you can’t control

Learn how expectations cause resentment

Practice conscious awareness: Self-awareness releases us from making impulsive and potentially damaging decisions.

Practice Ferocious Self-care: We take responsibility for getting our needs met instead of waiting for someone to change or to meet our needs for us. We are in control of ourselves. No one is responsible for us but us.

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July 1, 2022 by Diane M. Metcalf, MS No Comments

About the Author

Facetune_06-05-2021-18-24-57 Narcissistic Lying

As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, author Diane Metcalf developed strong coping skills and healing strategies. She happily shares those with others who want to learn and grow.

Diane is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer on family dysfunction and narcissism. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology. She has worked in numerous human service fields, including domestic violence and partner abuse.

She has authored four transformational books about healing and moving forward, including the highly praised “Lemon Moms” series. This emotionally supportive collection explains maternal narcissistic traits and teaches how to reconcile past hurts to begin self-nurturing, healing, and moving forward.

The Lemon Moms series, as well as her other books and articles, are an aggregation of education, insight, and personal growth resulting from childhood experiences and her subsequent recovery work.

She writes about strategies for recovering and moving on from hurtful people and painful, dysfunctional, or toxic relationships on The Toolbox blog.

See what’s happening on her author’s site: DianeMetcalf.com

Learn about the Lemon Moms series: Lemon Moms

This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

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Reading time: 3 min

Anger•Narcissism•Scapegoating

All About Narcissistic Rage

Have you ever witnessed someone’s narcissistic rage? Speaking from experience, I’m guessing that it’s something you will not easily forget.

In my book Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism, I talk about the fact that narcissists are opinionated, argumentative, and defensive, and have no problem confronting, criticizing, shaming, or mocking anyone who challenges or disagrees with them. You see, narcissists don’t entertain differences of opinion or perspectives. Instead, they gain (or re-gain) control of a conversation or a situation by gaslighting, humiliating, insulting, and discrediting others, or by having a type of emotional meltdown known as a narcissistic rage. Narcissistic rages happen when we do anything that causes a narcissistic injury or wound; anything perceived as a threat to their self-importance, dominance, or ‘false face.’

Definition

Narcissistic anger is similar to an adult temper tantrum, except that it can be dangerous for us to witness, or worse, become the target. These highly emotional episodes are meant to unbalance, scare, intimidate and unnerve us. They are used as threatening displays of power and control. They consist of unexpected and uncontrollable outrage triggered by some type of narcissistic injury or wounding. For example, if a narcissist’s self-esteem or self-worth has been hurt, rage will probably ensue.

When a narcissist is caught up in this type of outburst, they are unreasonable and unforgiving. Their main objective at this point is to hurt and take revenge. They want to seriously punish the “offender,” even if it means losing a relationship or irrevocably damaging one. They want to “win” at any cost. They won’t feel regret, remorse, or any need to apologize for their volatile, hurtful, damaging, embarrassing, and attention-seeking eruption. (See How to Recognize a Narcissist.)

Quick Document Links:

Why They Rage
Passive Aggressive Rage
What Triggers a Rage?
The Consequences of Rage
How to Handle a Narcissistic Rage
Tools for Healing

Narcissistic rages are fear-based and can persist even after the perceived threat is gone. Often, these rages are not warranted, and a narcissist will hang onto the memory of our perceived transgression for weeks and months at a time. They will continue exacting revenge and punishing. When are they done? When they decide to be done. Those on the narcissism spectrum can be champion grudge holders. Holding grudges vindicates their hurtful behavior. Grudges give them a reason to feel victimized. A narcissist will bring up your “wrongdoings” as frequently as they can while playing the injured “poor me” to get sympathy and narcissistic supply. The message is that they didn’t hurt you. YOU hurt them!

Why They Rage

“Slamming and banging” is a type of narcissistic rage and a scenario I regularly experienced while growing up. When my mother was angry, she wouldn’t (couldn’t?) express her feelings. Instead, she would slam and bang things—usually cupboard doors, pots, pans, shoes, car doors, and room doors, but really it could be any object within reach. This was how she demonstrated feelings of annoyance, disappointment, irritation, or frustration. She didn’t use words to express these feelings, and on the rare occasion that she did, they were shouted, hurtful, and inappropriate.

When I was a child, too naive to appreciate the danger of doing so, I asked, “Is something wrong, Mommy?” and she routinely and furiously shouted “No!” -a confusing mixed message. Clearly, something was very wrong, and even a child could see it. If I worriedly kept pressing, (wanting her to re-gain emotional control, and wanting to feel safe myself,) I paid the price by being shouted at, called hurtful names, humiliated, shamed, or punished. It was not good to ask questions during the rages, even as an act of kindness or concern. Her rages were some of the most traumatizing events of my childhood

As I matured, my question changed from “Is something wrong?” to “What is wrong?” I’d slowly become aware that something was very amiss at home, and I refused to continue playing “let’s pretend” everything’s fine. I could clearly see that something was upsetting her, and I called it out. Of course, the results were the same as before. Here’s the thing: when you live with a dysfunctional person, you understand that “reality” is never “real” because everyone involved is playing a form of “let’s pretend.” You play let’s pretend to keep them calm, and so that you can feel safe. But everyone involved is pretending something different.

punching-300x200 All About Narcissistic Rage

Passive Aggressive Rage

Sometimes narcissistic rages don’t actually look like rages. These are the passive-aggressive kinds of rage, meaning that they feel aggressive even though they appear docile. They involve sulking, giving backhanded compliments, procrastinating, making sarcastic remarks, withdrawing, sabotaging and undermining, and even include “the silent treatment.” These passive-aggressive behaviors are subtle and discreet, but they’re narcissistic rages nonetheless. My narcissist vacillated between loud, intimidating, furious outbursts and using passive aggression. At times she shouted; hurling obscenities so loudly and fiercely that she turned purple, her eyes bulged, and spittle flew. It was terrifying to see her like that, not only because she looked horrifically ugly, but because she was emotionally out of control. It’s scary and traumatizing to witness the parent you depend on losing self-control. At times like these, I never knew what to expect, so I was on high alert and prepared for pretty much anything; I might be backhanded across the face or hauled into a bedroom and left, or ignored for hours. I might be called names that shredded my developing self-worth and crushed my spirit. I might be struck with an object, deprived of meals or activities, or threatened with having bones broken, or being murdered or abandoned. Or she could simply and completely withdraw from my life, not speaking to me for as long as she felt necessary. When she was passive-aggressive she often made sarcastic, hurtful comments in a sweet, caring, and kind voice. Talk about crazy-making environments!

What Triggers a Rage?

More than four decades after their divorce, my mother routinely called the Social Security Administration to confirm that her ex-husband, my father, was still alive. She was motivated by a firm determination to receive survivor benefits when he passed.

One morning, she made the usual call and discovered that my father had passed six months prior. She called me at work to tell me that my father was dead, and she was livid that no one had contacted her. She was outraged that she’d missed out on several months of financial benefits, and was extremely distraught. She wanted me to come to her home when my workday was finished.

When I got there, she wanted me to drive her to the post office. She’d written a letter to my father’s widow, his wife of more than forty years, and intended to send it by certified mail. She knew their address because she’d stalked them for years. When I warily asked about the letter’s contents, I learned that it was a hurtful, scathing chastisement for not personally informing my mother, or his children, of my father’s death.

I didn’t take her to the post office, and I don’t know if the letter was ever sent.

Narcissistic rages have nothing to do with you. Narcissism is a mental illness caused by events on which you had no influence.

So, what caused this tumultuous disturbance? This day-long narcissistic rage was triggered by the enormous sense of injustice and entitlement that my mother felt. She had been “wronged”; she had been slighted. She had been overlooked as the first wife. She had been temporarily denied her rightful financial due. All of those were narcissistic injuries.

Within hours, she busily began informing family, friends, and neighbors that she’d become a “widow,” readily accepting condolences and sympathy. The rage had passed; she was a victim again.

Narcissistic injuries that may trigger rage in a narcissist:

Someone criticized them.
They were not the center of attention.
They were embarrassed.
They were confronted.
Someone pointed out a character flaw.
Someone noticed that they’d made an error.
They were caught lying, cheating, stealing, or breaking a rule of acceptable behavior.
They felt like they were losing control.
Their authority was challenged or threatened.
Someone made a decision without their input.
Someone took the initiative without their permission.
Someone was appreciated (or more highly regarded) than they.
Someone didn’t take their advice.
They were asked to be accountable for their actions.
They did not get the special treatment they thought they deserved.
They were reminded of their inadequacy.
They were shamed.

The Consequences of Rage

It’s interesting to know that narcissists may pay a heavy price for their rages.

In “Understanding Narcissism’s Destructive Impact on Relationships,” Preston Ni (2018), talks about the consequences a narcissist may suffer as a result of ongoing, vindictive, narcissistic anger. Some of these include:

Family Estrangement: Research shows that narcissistic rages hurt family relationships.
Lost romantic relationships and divorce: Research shows that rages hurt romantic relationships and marriages.
Isolation: Narcissists use people for personal gain. Eventually, acquaintances, family, and friends recognize this and distance themselves or go “no contact.”
Loneliness: Narcissists have few healthy or lasting relationships.
Missed Opportunities: Because of the lack of personal connection, opportunities may disappear or don’t appear in the first place.
Legal, Financial, or Career issues: Rule-breaking, irresponsibility, and carelessness are found to have legal and financial repercussions.
Damaged Reputation: A lack of personal or professional integrity, trustworthiness, or dependability can negatively impact others’ perceptions.

How to Handle a Narcissistic Rage

There are several actions you can take beforehand to protect yourself from a narcissist’s rage:

Set and enforce boundaries
Limit the amount of contact you have with the narcissist
Don’t engage. Walk away
Use the Gray Rock technique
Use the communication strategies outlined in the “Talking with Your Mother” chapter, book 1, Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism
Talk to a mental health professional or therapist

Understand that narcissistic rage has nothing to do with you. Narcissism is a mental illness and a spectrum disorder caused by events that you did not influence. You didn’t cause the narcissism, you can’t control it, and you can’t cure it. You can ONLY control how you respond to it.

Could you be feeling the effects of Narcissism Awareness Grief? Download the free chapter to find out:

from Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism

Tools for Healing

Understand the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle

Learn about Narcissism Awareness Grief

Learn to set boundaries

Learn about dysfunctional family roles

Find out what trauma does to your brain

Learn about codependency and other maladaptive coping skills

Understand Cognitive Dissonance

Take the Adverse Childhood Experiences Quiz

More Resources You May Like:

Join the Free Email Survival Course:

Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward

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Private Facebook group included for members only.

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May 1, 2022 by Diane M. Metcalf, MS No Comments

About the Author

Facetune_06-05-2021-18-24-57 All About Narcissistic Rage

The Lemon Moms series, as well as her other books and articles, are an aggregation of education, insight, and personal growth resulting from childhood experiences and her subsequent recovery work.

She writes about strategies for recovering and moving on from hurtful people and painful, dysfunctional, or toxic relationships on The Toolbox blog.

See what’s happening on her author’s site: DianeMetcalf.com

Learn about the Lemon Moms series: Lemon Moms

This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

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Reading time: 8 min

Anger•Narcissism•Self Care

When Mother’s Day Hurts

If your relationship with your mother is typically full of pain and heartache, this article is dedicated to you.

When Mother’s Day Hurts

Every April and May of every year, we are urged by all manner of media to remember our mothers on the second Sunday of May. These pre-Mother’s Day messages often portray sweet, heartwarming, sentimental interactions between mothers and their children. Viewing those ads has always been difficult for me because I have longed for those kinds of interactions with my own mother for my entire life.

Suppose your mother is self-important, seeks admiration, believes she’s superior, lacks empathy, manipulates and uses her children, puts others down to elevate herself, is hypersensitive to criticism, and believes she deserves special treatment. In that case, she may be on the narcissism spectrum, and you will likely experience mixed feelings about Mother’s Day.

Quick document links

Confusion and Cognitive Dissonance
There’s a Name For It
Self-care
Tools for Healing

Daughters and sons of narcissistic mothers are out there and they feel alone and misunderstood.

An emotionally healthy mother’s love is a powerful, lifelong theme for most children; her kindness, compassion, validation, and the loving bond that they share. For those of us who don’t have that kind of mom, memories, or relationship, we are keenly aware of those who do. And we wonder why we don’t. Because surely if our mothers can’t love us, it must be our fault. We must be unlovable, right?

American culture views motherhood as a saintly paradigm, promoting that mother love is instinctive, unconditional, and spontaneous; and that all women can love, empathize, and nurture. These myths and inaccuracies are detrimental; they harm unloved children’s spirits, holding them in a state of self-doubt and cognitive dissonance.

When a mother and adult child relationship fails, it’s the adult child who’s usually held responsible. These kinds of cultural perspectives can keep an unloved daughter or son stuck in the place they’ve been since childhood—knowing that something is wrong and blaming themselves. They wonder who will be able to love them if their own mothers can’t.

But mothering is a learned behavior in human beings. A spectrum of maternal behaviors exists, from healthy to toxic. Acknowledging this may be helpful when we think about Mother’s Day.

I used to spend a huge amount of emotional energy just selecting a Mother’s Day card. Today, there is more awareness and sensitivity regarding family dysfunction and the understanding that not all mothers are loving and kind. These days, it’s easier to find a more realistic card sentiment. But years ago, it was extremely difficult to find a card that didn’t boldly announce “Happy Mothers Day to the Greatest Mother in the World!” or “I’m So Blessed That You’re My Mother” All of them gushed with sentiments that I didn’t feel and all of them felt like lies. While I dealt with that, others dealt with decisions like: “Should I even send a card?” “Should I call?” “Should I see her?” “Should I ignore the day?” “What should I do?”

The thing is, if we’re still attempting to please and appease our narcissistic moms, we’re in a no-win situation. Whatever we do will not be good enough because it never has. Like others in this situation, every year I went through emotional pain and turmoil: on Mother’s Day, I was forced to face the stark and demoralizing humiliation of our one-sided relationship for the entire day. I was actually a mother myself, yet I was focused on making this day all about MY mother. I wasn’t able to enjoy what the day meant for me as a mother. I missed out on feeling connected with my kids and letting them focus on me, celebrating me. Instead, I expected them to focus on her too. The entire day was about my mother and making her happy. But of course, she never was. She spent the day criticizing the weather, the restaurant, the food, her gifts, and other people. For decades this continued and I didn’t see it because I was supremely codependent, unaware, and unhealed. Eventually, I awakened and realized that something needed to change. I finally accepted that she wasn’t going to change. I needed to change.

Experts say that with a narcissistic mother, you have two choices: live on her terms (focusing on her, chasing after her withheld love, acceptance, and affection) or go “no contact.” This feels like black and white (all or none) thinking to me, and I’ve never been a big fan. I prefer to see all the shades of gray. So I created a third option for myself: I identified my cognitive dissonance and C-PTSD symptoms and prioritized healing them with various forms of therapy. I refused to be gaslighted, I set enforceable boundaries and started trusting my mind and my memories. I no longer focused on what she did, said, wanted, or expected, and as a result, I no longer felt humiliated, unloved, invalidated, and rejected. Our relationship was finally on my terms.

Confusion and Cognitive Dissonance

As children, if our need for love and connection to our mothers was not met, we simply blamed ourselves. And then we began forming beliefs that we are not good enough and that we don’t matter.

If you are an empathetic person, you are naturally sensitive to others’ emotional needs. Trying to understand that narcissists don’t have the ability to feel empathy is difficult to understand or believe. As children of narcissists, we keep returning to that parent, again and again, hoping and wishing that it will be different this time. We focus on gaining approval, validation, acceptance, and love. We jump through any hoop offered. When nothing changes, it triggers more pain and confusion and a continuation of the “I’m not-good-enough’s” and “I-don’t-matter’s.”

Then we grew up, and we may have started to realize that the problem is not us! There is nothing—and there never was—anything inherently wrong with us, as we may have been led to believe.

You do not need a formal diagnosis to determine that your relationship is unhealthy. If it is, you can do something about it.

There’s a Name For It

“Narcissism Awareness Grief” (NAG) is a condition coined by Dr. Christine Hammond, a Licensed Mental Health Counselor. She teaches that the loss of a mother’s love, warmth, interest, and connection is a momentous loss that must be consciously grieved.

Narcissism Awareness Grief acknowledges that our mothers’ narcissistic traits have negatively impacted us. When we begin to come to terms with how they have impacted us, we can break through the denial and start working through six stages of grief, to finally arrive at the final phase of Acceptance. When you fully understand and accept that you cannot change or control your mother’s perception of you, the ball is truly in your court. It’s from the point of Acceptance that your life can and will change. Remember, acceptance does not mean liking or agreeing. You can accept that your mother has narcissistic traits, but you don’t have to like it. Accepting and liking are two separate things.

I remember very well what it was like to experience Narcissism Awareness Grief. As I slowly became aware of how my mother’s narcissistic traits affected me, I felt a mixture of denial, disbelief, and a sense of overwhelming sadness. You see, when we discover that the dysfunction and trauma we experienced as children has an actual name, there’s an initial rush of validation. We suddenly realize that we’re not alone, that we’re not crazy, and that we haven’t imagined it. Narcissistic mistreatment, trauma, and abuse are real things, and we can recover from them.

Self-care

What can we adult children of maternal narcissists do to feel better on Mother’s Day?

Like most days, you can make the day into whatever you want. Here are a few suggestions that can help:

Question the card. Search for a generic Mother’s Day card, if you want to send a card at all. Giving a card that says “Best Mom in the World” is an act of denial. The first step to healing is admitting how you feel about your relationship. NO MORE DENIAL. It takes courage not to buy that lying card. If you want to give a card, find one, or make one, that better acknowledges how you feel.
Eliminate expectations. You can’t be disappointed if you don’t expect anything to be different this year. Learn to drop expectations.
Make new traditions. Do the day differently. Celebrate yourself! Do something you enjoy, whether solo or with a friend. Focus on self-care.
Feel and express your feelings. Give yourself permission to feel and express whatever you’re feeling. Give yourself space to cry, be angry, feel unloved, or grieve. Acknowledge that you have reason to feel these feelings, and validate your childhood memories. Write it all in a journal to get it out of your system in a healthy way.
Shift the focus. Practice gratitude, speak healing affirmations or do something nice for someone else.
Make an appointment. If Mother’s Day annually triggers anxiety or depression, give yourself the gift of scheduled time with a professional to start the healing process.
Seek support. Find support groups in your area or online. Talking with others who understand narcissism dynamics can help in your healing journey. And as always, don’t try to explain it to those who don’t. Others who don’t understand narcissism may unknowingly invalidate you, causing further pain or trauma.
Express gratitude to the mothers you know who are loving and kind. Honor other women who have given you motherly love, perhaps a grandmother, aunt, or friend.
If you are a mother, work to end the legacy of one-sided love. Acknowledge and be grateful for your ability to love.
Start working on a recovery program so you don’t pass the legacy down to your children. If you are already working on healing, good for you! Do the work!

On Mother’s Day, let’s all honor the mothers who have given their children the gifts of love and nurturing. Let’s applaud the mothers who are working on a program to change the family legacy of narcissistic mistreatment or abuse. And at the same time, let’s acknowledge the truths of the daughters and sons of mothers who cannot show love to their children.

You’re all in my thoughts,

Diane

Could you be feeling the effects of Narcissism Awareness Grief? Download the free chapter to find out:

from Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism

Tools for Healing

Start using positive detachment

Learn about Narcissism Awareness Grief

Learn to set boundaries

Learn about dysfunctional family roles

Understand trauma bonds

Learn about codependency and maladaptive coping skills

Understand the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle

Learn to drop expectations

More Resources You May Like:

Join the Free Email Survival Course:

Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward

from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.

Private Facebook group included for members only.

There’s an App for That!

Get THE TOOLBOX APP

for instant information, support, and validation!

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Announcing- I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self, Workbook and Journal

A step-by-step method to learn how to write the highest vibrating, most powerful affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things.

Available worldwide in any store (ask and they’ll order it for you!) and on Amazon US, UK, Germany, Italy, Spain, Japan, France, Netherlands, Canada, Australia, and more.

Quick US links:

Get the TOOLBOX articles twice monthly to your inbox!

March 1, 2022 by Diane M. Metcalf, MS No Comments

About the Author

Facetune_06-05-2021-18-24-57 When Mother's Day Hurts

The Lemon Moms series, as well as her other books and articles, are an aggregation of education, insight, and personal growth resulting from childhood experiences and her subsequent recovery work.

She writes about strategies for recovering and moving on from hurtful people and painful, dysfunctional, or toxic relationships on The Toolbox blog.

See what’s happening on her author’s site: DianeMetcalf.com

Learn about the Lemon Moms series: Lemon Moms

This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

Reading time: 9 min

Narcissism•Self Care•Well-being

Welcome

Welcome to The Toolbox! This is a safe space.

The TOOLBOX is a place to nurture and redefine yourself after being involved (or while currently involved ) in a non-nurturing, or unsupportive relationship.

This site is about recognizing how someone’s emotional absence, mental illness, or distorted thinking affects you, and applying your insights to improve your life.

This is a safe space to learn skills and strategies to change yourself, your relationships, challenge your thinking and take back your personal power. It’s a place to begin healing and moving forward from the effects of emotionally absent people, unsupportive relationships, narcissists, and self-focused mothers aka “Lemon Moms.”

What’s a Lemon Mom? A Lemon Mom may be on the narcissism spectrum or may have full-blown, diagnosable Narcissistic Personality Disorder. She lacks the capacity to bond with her children, and they grow up feeling “not good enough,” confused, unloved, misunderstood, unimportant, or invisible, that they “don’t matter” or have no influence. As adults they continue disliking, ignoring, or neglecting themselves, taking unnecessary risks, attracted to people who aren’t good for them. They minimize themselves so that others can feel good, stay in hurtful relationships, and put themselves last, if at all.

On this site, diagnoses are irrelevant! If someone’s personality traits negatively impact your life, or cause you pain, that’s what’s important to know and change.

You don’t need a diagnosis to determine that a relationship is unhealthy, or to make positive changes for yourself.

I wrote the book “Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism” (and the rest of the Lemon Moms series) to safely walk you through the chaos and confusion of narcissistic behavior; what it is, what it does, and how to recover from its devastating effects. I include personal examples, and action-oriented steps that you can start taking today. I teach how to decode crazy-making behavior, and use healthy skills and strategies to begin healing so you can move forward into your best life.

The information provided here is based on my education, professional and personal experiences with domestic violence and abuse, my personal healing journey, and lots of current research.

I hope you enjoy reading and learning what’s here. I especially hope that you celebrate your progress and keep moving forward in your own healing journey.

I urge you to do the work.

Diane Metcalf

In a non-nurturing relationship?

Free Email Survival Course

Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.

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Narcissism•Scapegoating

Traits of a Narcissistic Mother

February 11, 2022 by Diane M. Metcalf, MS No Comments

I think the hardest thing to understand, for those who haven’t experienced maternal narcissism, is that narcissistic parents don’t see their children as individuals. A narcissistic mother doesn’t see her children as independently functioning human beings who have their own thoughts and feelings. She doesn’t see their individual personalities or acknowledge their goals.

A narcissistic mother sees her kids as extensions of herself. Because of that, to her, everything the kids do and say reflects on her. She makes everything about her. The kids are simply satellites who learn at a very young age that they’re expected to contribute positively to their mother’s image. They understand that every decision and every action they take must happen within those parameters, or there will be ugly consequences.

Quick document links

Scapegoating
Manipulative Tactics
Tools for Healing

When a narcissistic mother doesn’t like aspects of her personality, she emotionally separates herself from those qualities and then projects those unacceptable traits onto one of her children. She will then mistreat that child for “having” those qualities. When she does this, she’s using a defense mechanism known as projection, which is what occurs when we attribute a trait that we dislike in ourselves as being another person’s, not our own (Brenner 2019). The mother now has reason to blame the child for anything she thinks, does, or says that she finds objectionable within herself, but is unwilling to admit or change.

“Even perceived rejection activates the brain’s pain centers.”

Scapegoating

When a narcissistic mom uses projection to protect her ego from her unlikeable qualities, there is a risk of neglect, maltreatment, abuse, blame, shame, or even physical violence to the children as a result. She’ll play a game of “whose fault is it? I know it’s not mine” (Brenner et al. 2018). Because narcissistic mothers are so controlling, they need to have reasons that explain undesirable happenings, and they insist on having a person to hold accountable. This phenomenon is known as scapegoating. The scapegoating practice happens in dysfunctional families, with the role of the scapegoat being either temporary or permanent. The scapegoat is the fall guy, the person who gets blamed for offenses and injustices that happen to anyone in the family. Family members, except for the narcissistic mom, often take turns playing the scapegoat role, and at any given time, the mom determines who the scapegoat is.

Tactics like scapegoating are all attempts of the mother to maintain control. When a narcissistic mom feels like she’s losing control over her kids, she will often lash out in vengeful ways, subtly or with direct hostility. Narcissistic mothers are highly reactive to any threat or challenge to their power. They have a sense of entitlement, ownership, and possession of their kids.

Child-caretaking-mother-300x200 Traits of a Narcissistic Mother

Manipulative Tactics

There is a multitude of ways that a narcissistic mother can emotionally injure her children. I believe these behaviors are the result of other, often unrelated issues, such as:

1. She’s not articulate or doesn’t have a strong vocabulary, so she’s not able to accurately express or describe what she’s thinking or feeling.

2. She doesn’t know how to identify her emotions.

3. She hasn’t had an emotionally healthy upbringing, or she hasn’t witnessed emotionally healthy relationships.

4. She’s emotionally immature and can’t regulate her emotions.

5. She hasn’t personally experienced or learned strong parenting skills.

Narcissistic mothers manipulate and control their children in a variety of ways:

Withholding affection, affirmation, validation, attention, encouragement, praise, and other self-esteem building behaviors
Exhibiting intense and scary displays of emotion and drama (“narcissistic rages”)
Verbally abusing them with insults, criticism, and name-calling
Threatening violence (may or may not be carried out)
Maintaining a victim mentality
Rejection
Lying
Giving the “silent treatment” as a form of punishment
Exercising a “selective memory”
Gaslighting to control perceptions and memories

I’m personally familiar with all of these tactics. Gaslighting is the one that harmed me the most. It’s an extremely emotionally and mentally destructive form of manipulation.

Even though most of the above-listed behaviors are not physically hurtful, each one can activate the pain centers in the human brain. Research in the field of neuroscience shows us that even perceived rejection activates the area of the brain where pain is felt (Eisenberger et al. 2004). The point is that verbal abuse, threats, rejection, and other forms of emotional mistreatment do hurt us.

broken-love-300x200 Traits of a Narcissistic Mother

Could you be feeling the effects of Narcissism Awareness Grief? Download the free chapter to find out:

from Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism

Tools for Healing

Learn how to protect yourself with boundaries

Learn about the narcissistic abuse cycle

Learn about dysfunctional family roles

Learn about codependency

Learn why what you tell yourself matters

Learn why verbal abuse hurts us

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August 23, 2021 by Diane M. Metcalf, MS No Comments

About the Author

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The Lemon Moms series, as well as her other books and articles, are an aggregation of education, insight, and personal growth resulting from childhood experiences and her subsequent recovery work.

She writes about strategies for recovering and moving on from hurtful people and painful, dysfunctional, or toxic relationships on The Toolbox blog.

See what’s happening on her author’s site: DianeMetcalf.com

Learn about the Lemon Moms series: Lemon Moms

This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

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Codependency•Healing Affirmations•Narcissism•Self Care

Upon The Death of a Narcissistic Parent

As I write this article, I am processing my mother’s recent death and what it means for me. My inner child is asking for and needing attention. I am honoring my inner child.

I feel sad that my mother’s life has ended because now she has no more opportunity to heal, or attempt to heal, relationships that need healing. And there were many.

The morning after her death, the first thought to form in my waking consciousness was, “The big bad wolf is gone.” That tells me a LOT. My inner child finally feels safe.

Quick Document Links:

Words Matter
Awakening
Tools for Healing

For decades I struggled physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally with the realization that I had a mother who chose solely minimal involvement with me since I was a child. She was often hurtful, spiteful, and mean-spirited. The continual emotional abandonment that I felt during those years was real. Throughout, I continually longed for and chased after her ever-withheld love, affection, and acceptance. I felt like I was lost in the woods, wandering a deep, dark, dangerous forest, unable to find my way home for so very long. Subsequently, I mourned the loss of my mother decades ago when she was very much alive. There are no more tears left to shed.

When I could accept that I was only as valuable to my mother as the things I could do or provide for her, I began to deal with the core problem: my codependency. Finally, I found the path and began reversing the codependent thoughts and behaviors. It literally changed everything.

If you’ve read my book Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism, you already know that my mother had many narcissistic traits. Among other types of controlling behavior, she often used fear of abandonment to manipulate me as a child. She threatened to give me away to strangers, put me in an orphanage, or send me to live with my father, whom she repeatedly said: “didn’t love us or want anything to do with us.”

And so, because I didn’t want to lose my home, I constantly feared doing the “right thing,” whatever the right thing was at any particular time. “The right thing” could and did change without warning, so I needed to remain constantly alert for changes in her tone of voice, behavior, and in our overall home environment. As a result, I learned to continually take her “emotional temperature” to keep myself safe.

My mom parented by blaming, shaming, intimidating, threatening, and physically punishing. In the earliest years, I learned that I was somehow to blame for everything that displeased her. Second-guessing and doubting myself became a way of life. I felt like a burden, believing that I made her life harder simply because I existed. I stayed out of her way as much as possible.

I felt lonely and alone because there was no one to talk with about this way of life. Most of the people I knew could only see my mother’s public “false face,” so they thought she was a wonderful mother and human being. Only those of us who lived with her saw both faces, the real and the false. Only those of us who lived with her experienced her true self.

girl-with-bear-1-300x201 Upon The Death of a Narcissistic Parent

Words Matter

My mother shared her thoughts and feelings with me in frightening, highly emotionally charged, biased, and inappropriate ways when I was a young child. Gaslighting and the resulting cognitive dissonance distorted my perceptions and reality. Her behavior initiated my codependency, and her words guaranteed it.

There were no boundaries in our home, but there was lots of name-calling, invalidation, uncommunicated expectations, and neglect. I stayed up as late as I wanted. I was expected to care for my younger siblings and was blamed and sometimes punished for their misbehavior.

I was not allowed to express my feelings openly, ask questions, or show initiative or curiosity. My emotions were discounted, minimized, or invalidated. Asking questions or taking action meant I was challenging my mother, and that was not tolerated. She rewrote my memories, and I was expected to believe her version. I was to obey, stay quiet and not question.

My mom called me hurtful names and obscenities, and at times, as a form of punishment, she ignored me, not speaking to me for days, weeks, or even months.

Awakening

Reading, researching, and working with various therapists eventually led me into Narcissism Awareness Grief, a term coined by Dr. Christine Hammond. Narcissism Awareness Grief begins when you become aware of someone’s narcissistic traits and realize how they have negatively impacted you. Using this new lens; looking at my past in terms of my mother’s narcissistic traits, I re-examined my childhood experiences. I saw how those long ago, unhealed traumatic incidents affected my current adult relationships. I set out to learn the things I should have learned as a child, like how to trust, validate and affirm myself. Like how to calm my nervous system and stop the hypervigilance. I discovered and learned how to control my triggers. I healed my cognitive dissonance and C-PTSD symptoms and taught my inner child to trust. I replaced codependent coping and thinking with healthy coping and thinking. In the process, I discovered and uncovered my true, authentic self. I found my voice and finally spoke my truth without feeling shame. I felt whole and worthy for the first time in my life.

So as I come to terms with the finality of my mother’s death and the end of our painful relationship, I feel grateful for my recovery work, my therapists and teachers, my inner child, my higher power, and especially my authentic self. I know she will always be truthful, supportive, validating, and affirming. She will always have my back.

I’m here. I’m alive. I’m grateful. I’m ready.

Could you be feeling the effects of Narcissism Awareness Grief? Download the free chapter to find out:

from Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism

Tools for Healing

Learn about dysfunctional family roles

Understand the Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse

Learn about setting boundaries

Learn about codependency and maladaptive coping skills

Learn about Narcissism Awareness Grief

Let go of what you can’t control using loving-detachment

Learn about expectations

Conscious awareness: Be aware and make conscious choices before acting. Self-awareness releases us from making impulsive and potentially damaging decisions.

Self-care: We are in control of ourselves, and no one is responsible for us but us. We can only choose to focus on and be responsible for ourselves, our own thoughts, actions, and behavior. We can change ourselves with patience, persistence, and practice. When we take responsibility for getting our needs met, instead of waiting for someone to change or meet our needs for us, we are healing.

More Resources You May Like:

Join the Free Email Survival Course:

Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward

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Announcing- I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self, Workbook and Journal

A step-by-step method to learn how to write the highest vibrating, most powerful affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things.

Available worldwide in any store (ask and they’ll order it for you!) and on Amazon US, UK, Germany, Italy, Spain, Japan, France, Netherlands, Canada, Australia, and more.

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Get the TOOLBOX articles twice monthly to your inbox!