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Narcissism
C-PTSD•Narcissism•Trauma

Surviving Mother’s Day: Tips for Adult Children of Narcissistic Mothers

Happy Saint Mother's Day
May 6, 2023 by Diane M. Metcalf, MS No Comments

As Mother’s Day approaches we’re inundated with ads that encourage us to remember our mothers and celebrate the special bond between mother and child. While these commercials may seem heartwarming, they can be difficult for those of us who didn’t have the same kind of relationship with our own mothers. It’s important to recognize that not all mothers are loving and nurturing, and believing in the myth of the “saintly mother” can be a painful reminder to those who have experienced a lack of maternal love.

Every year, finding an appropriate Mother’s Day card was a source of stress and emotional turmoil for me and many adult children of narcissistic mothers. Today there is greater awareness and sensitivity around family dysfunction and the reality that not all mothers are loving and kind. It’s easier to find cards with sentiments that don’t feel like lies, but the task of choosing a card still remains a source of stress for many adult children.

Quick Links:

  • Healing Wounds of Maternal Narcissism
  • A Journey of Self-Discovery and Recovery
  • A Third Option
  • Transform Your Relationship with Mother’s Day
  • More Tools for Healing

It’s worth acknowledging that mothering is a learned behavior and that there’s a wide spectrum of maternal behaviors, from healthy to toxic. If you have a narcissistic mother, or one who is self-absorbed, lacks empathy, and manipulates her children, Mother’s Day may bring up mixed emotions for you. You’re not alone if you struggle with feelings of guilt, shame, or confusion when it comes to this day.

Healing Wounds of Maternal Narcissism

When I decided to actively pursue healing and personal growth, a therapist presented the idea that my mother may have an undiagnosed and untreated mental illness, most likely a personality disorder. This was exciting and validating news for me because I had entertained that idea for a while. As I came to grips with the impact that my mother’s probable mental illness had on me, I felt a range of conflicting emotions.

pexels-rodnae-productions-7763906-e1682636393643-1024x768 Surviving Mother's Day: Tips for Adult Children of Narcissistic Mothers

A Journey of Self-Discovery and Recovery

Dr. Christine Hammond, a licensed mental health counselor who works with exhausted women and their families, has coined the term “Narcissism Awareness Grief” (NAG). NAG acknowledges the loss of a mother’s love, warmth, interest, and connection and recognizes that our mothers’ narcissistic traits have negatively impacted us. Through this acknowledgment, we can work through the six stages of Narcissism Awareness Grief, to arrive at the final phase: Acceptance. Within Acceptance, we don’t continue the relationship as it has been. Instead, we accept the fact that our mother will not change, and we stop trying to help her to change. This gives us a tremendous opportunity to move forward.

When you fully understand and accept that you cannot change or control your mother’s perception of you, the ball is truly in your court. It’s from the point of Acceptance that your life can change. I remember very clearly what it was like to experience Narcissism Awareness Grief. As I slowly became aware of the effects that my mother’s narcissistic traits had on me, I felt a mixture of shock, denial, disbelief, and a sense of overwhelming sadness. But realizing that my experience had a name, Narcissistic Victim Syndrome, and that I wasn’t the only one experiencing it, was a massive relief. Narcissistic trauma and abuse are real things, and we can recover from them. When we do, we discover that there’s nothing inherently wrong with us that makes us unlovable, as we may have been led to believe.

A Third Option

Unfortunately, in a mother and adult child relationship, cultural opinions often place the blame on the adult child for any relational issues. This contributes to their becoming stuck in a cycle of self-blame and wondering if anyone can truly love them if their own mother cannot. And when it comes to relationships with narcissists, experts often suggest that we have only two options: live on the narcissist’s terms, continually seeking their withheld love, acceptance, and affection or go “no contact.” For me, going “no contact” felt like an all-or-nothing choice that left no flexibility. I believe we have a third option: identify complex trauma symptoms and work to heal them, refuse to accept gaslighting and disrespect, learn to detach, lower your expectations, and set healthy, enforceable boundaries. Those actions will help put the relationship on your terms, and will work towards shifting the power dynamics, diminishing her power to continue hurting, humiliating, invalidating, and rejecting.

If you’re interested in learning more, I wrote a book called “Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism.”

Transform Your Relationship with Mother’s Day

Because Mother’s Day can be a challenging time for adult children of maternal narcissists, I’m providing some suggestions that may help:

  • Remember, it’s just one day, and you have the power to make it what you want.
  • Consider a generic card or skipping the card altogether.
  • Let go of expectations and focus on doing something you enjoy instead.
  • Allow yourself to feel and express your emotions. Try journaling to help process your emotions.
  • Shift your focus; try practicing gratitude, positive affirmations, some great self-care, or doing something kind for someone else.
  • Consider seeking professional help if Mother’s Day triggers feelings that are hard to deal with.
  • Find support groups online or in your area to connect with others who understand your experiences.
  • Honor and express gratitude to loving and kind mothers or other women who have shown you motherly love.
  • If you’re a mother, focus on yourself this Mother’s Day, celebrate your motherhood, and reflect on your values. Work to end the legacy of one-sided love.
  • Work on your recovery to break the cycle of mistreatment or abuse.
  • Acknowledge and support the healing journeys of other adult children.

More Tools for Healing

Traits of a Narcissistic Mother

When a Caregiver is a Narcissist

How to Talk with your Narcissistic Mother

Learn about Dysfunctional Family Roles

Understand the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle

Strategies for Family Get-Togethers

A Makeover for your Self-talk

How Verbal Abuse Hurts Us in More Ways Than One

Healing Cognitive Dissonance

Learn the Gray Rock technique

More Resources You May Like:

Visit the TOXIC UNDO for More Healing

Join the Free Email Survival Course:

Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.

Private Facebook group included for members only.

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    I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self, Workbook and Journal, by Diane Metcalf

    Experience the power of self-affirmation: using positive statements to improve well-being and performance. Learn research-based steps to write the most effective affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things.

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      3D-3-book-series Surviving Mother's Day: Tips for Adult Children of Narcissistic Mothers

      About the Author

      Tilted-Diane-Headshot-2023-lighter Surviving Mother's Day: Tips for Adult Children of Narcissistic Mothers

      Drawing from her personal experiences of growing up in a dysfunctional household, Diane Metcalf has developed effective coping and healing strategies. With the assistance of professional therapists and mindful personal growth, she has honed her skills and now happily shares them with others who are interested in learning and growing.

      As an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer, Diane is well-versed in topics such as narcissism, family dysfunction, abuse, and recognizing warning signs. Her extensive knowledge is drawn not only from her personal experiences, but also from her work in human service fields, including domestic violence, partner abuse, and court advocacy. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.

      Diane’s transformational books on healing and personal growth, such as the highly acclaimed “Lemon Moms” series, offer emotional support and guidance in understanding narcissistic traits and healing past wounds. Her approach emphasizes self-awareness, intention, self-care, and establishing healthy boundaries as essential components in the healing process.

      Learn more about the Lemon Moms series: Lemon Moms

      See what’s happening on DianeMetcalf.com

      This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

      Read more

      Please share!

      Reading time: 5 min
      Codependency•Narcissism

      Lack of Empathy: A Big Red Flag

      Be Kind
      February 9, 2023 by Diane M. Metcalf, MS No Comments

      We know that narcissists demand attention and admiration, will take advantage, and feel contempt for others, but did you know they also lack empathy?

      Empathy is “the ability to understand another person’s thoughts and feelings from their point of view, rather than your own” (acuityinsights 2020). When we’re empathetic, we actively share in a person’s emotional experience. That’s different from sympathy, when we feel concerned about another’s suffering but maintain our emotional distance.

      Narcissists often reveal this deficiency during times of crisis, conflict, or high stress. When they’re pressured or stressed, controlling emotions becomes more difficult, and the absence of empathy is obvious. If you observe, you’ll notice that any high-pressure situation demonstrates how shallow their emotional connections really are. There is a noticeable lack of empathy, or caring, about others’ well-being.

      Quick Links:

      • What a Lack of Empathy Looks Like
      • NPD Personality Traits
      • So Why is Empathy Important?
      • What Does Emotional Empathy Require?
      • How the False Face Imitates Empathy
      • Tools to Move Forward

      What a Lack of Empathy Looks Like

      Narcissists’ emotions are often unstable, intense, and out of proportion to the situation. They are often described as being “challenging” to interact with. They can be defensive, envious, manipulative, and condescending, and they believe they “know everything.” It is crucial for them to appear as prestigious, powerful, and superior. They’re extremely susceptible to criticism and shame and protect their sense of self, the false face/false self, at any cost, including using aggression or physical abuse.

      In previous posts, I talked about the importance of validation for healthy communication. Validating others in a conversation shows that you are listening and want to understand their feelings and perspectives, even when you disagree. Because narcissists need to feel superior and “right” in every situation, they’re not interested in hearing or understanding your point of view. This, combined with their lack of empathy, means that a narcissist will not be able to validate you.

      Narcissists believe that every nasty thing they do is justified or is someone else’s fault. They can’t experience remorse because remorsefulness requires empathy, sympathy, and taking responsibility for actions.

      They don’t feel guilt, and so will not apologize for their actions. To feel guilty, one must feel both empathy and remorse and also own up to hurtful actions. These are all outside of a narcissist’s emotional skillset.

      Narcissism has no known cure, but those on the narcissism spectrum don’t usually seek therapy because they don’t think they need it. If they seek treatment, it’s generally because it’s been requested (or mandated) by a third party or is personally sought because of interpersonal or professional difficulty or conflict.

      NPD Personality Traits

      Narcissists hold a distorted self-image and have “high-conflict” personalities. They do things that most of us would not, such as thoughtlessly spending other people’s money, humiliating a child in public, sabotaging a coworker, or verbally attacking a stranger (Eddy 2018).

      They consider themselves superior and are comfortable with “putting down,” insulting, and demeaning others in order to feel powerful or boost their self-image. They tend to be selfish and do not reciprocate kind gestures or invitations. They’re demanding, needing almost constant admiration and attention from anyone in their vicinity (this is called obtaining narcissistic supply).

      Additionally, they waste time trying to impress anyone who will listen. They break promises, make excuses, and take credit for others’ ideas or work. They enjoy bullying and are willing to speak disapprovingly of someone behind their back but only have positive things to say in their presence. All of these traits can make narcissists exhausting for those of us who live and work with them.

      So Why is Empathy Important?

      When talking about narcissism, it’s important to understand what the term “empathy” means and the role it plays in a narcissist’s relationship dynamics. A lack of empathy can be described as “unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others.” This lack is a characteristic of narcissism. The lack of empathy is a big red flag.

      In the field of social psychology, it is understood that there are two kinds of empathy: cognitive and emotional. When we feel an emotion that someone else is feeling, it is emotional empathy, the ability to put ourselves in another person’s place and feel what they’re feeling. If you see someone crying, and it makes you feel sad, you’re experiencing emotional empathy.

      What Does Emotional Empathy Require?

      To feel emotional empathy, a person must have the ability to:

      1. Feel the same emotion as another person (for example, seeing someone embarrass themselves and feeling embarrassed for them.)
      2. Feel distressed in response to another person’s feelings
      3. Feel compassion for another person

      Feeling emotional empathy can be extremely distressing. When we feel pain resulting from somebody else’s emotions, it can shake us. There’s also a balance to be sought and maintained when it comes to feeling for others. We can’t allow our empathy for others to negatively impact our own lives.

      Narcissists are more likely to use cognitive empathy rather than emotional empathy. It’s essential to understand the difference (Baskin-Sommers, Krusemark, and Ronningstam 2014).

      Cognitive empathy is the ability to have an intellectual understanding that someone may be feeling a particular emotion while not feeling anything in response to this knowledge. Narcissists are able to see another’s perspective and respond in a manner that most benefits them. This requires a rudimentary understanding and basic knowledge of emotions (Hodges and Myers, 2007).

      When a narcissist uses a simple visual perspective to guess what someone’s feeling, they’re using cognitive empathy. In other words, if they can look at a person and notice that their eyes are swollen and red, probably from crying, they may correctly guess that the person is feeling sad. This type of empathy has nothing to do with actually feeling anything themselves. So, if a narcissist knows someone well enough, they can guess how that person feels, and they’ll also have a pretty good idea of how to use that information to hurt that individual too.

      Daniel Goleman (author of the book “Emotional Intelligence”), writes in his blog that torturers need to have a good sense of cognitive empathy to figure out how to hurt a person best.

      Similarly, if a narcissist acts kindly, they may be feeling around for hopes, wishes, and dreams to use later to inflict pain intentionally. They can’t understand how we feel, but they know that they’re in control at that moment and have the power to hurt us.

      A notable point of interest here is the consideration of an “empathy gene.” The gene was first referenced in research published in Translational Psychiatry on March 12, 2018, and is said to be the most extensive genetic study done on empathy to date. The study found that our degree of empathy is at least partly due to genetics.


      Could you be feeling the effects of Narcissism Awareness Grief? Download the free chapter to find out:

      EXPERIENCING NARCISSISM AWARENESS GRIEF

      from Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism


      How the False Face Imitates Empathy

      The false face can imitate emotions and empathy, which is great for narcissists because they appear to be kind, caring, and compassionate. But secretly, the false face is threatened by anything perceived as criticism, and narcissists are terribly concerned with how other’s think about and understand them. The false self is typically anxious, judgmental, and insecure overall. At the same time, it believes it is more acceptable and lovable than the real self. Narcissists don’t like themselves and can’t accept their authentic selves.

      Because the false face allows narcissists to appear kind, compassionate, and empathetic, they’re highly invested in preserving this image. It’s important for them to keep the false face intact and “on” at any cost. The people in a narcissist’s environment will always serve as a form of narcissistic supply, manipulated into feeding this false image, enabling the charade to continue.

      Most narcissists will never know whether they’re on the NPD spectrum or have full-blown NPD because they don’t seek treatment and will never benefit from a professional diagnosis. They believe their problems are caused by others and don’t accept personal responsibility. They are blamers, so they are not able to see their own role in any of their interpersonal problems.

      Tools to Move Forward

      Learn about codependency and unhealthy survival skills learned in childhood

      Understand Narcissism Awareness Grief

      Understand the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle

      Learn to set boundaries

      Learn about dysfunctional family roles

      Find out what trauma does to your brain

      Understand Cognitive Dissonance

      Take the Adverse Childhood Experiences Quiz

      More Resources You May Like:

      Visit the TOXIC UNDO for More Healing

      Join the Free Email Survival Course:

      Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.

      Private Facebook group included for members only.

      Register Here!
      Free 8-week email Survival Course

        I respect your privacy. Unsubscribe at anytime.

        Get the TOOLBOX APP

        for instant information, support, and validation!

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        I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self, Workbook and Journal, by Diane Metcalf

        Experience the power of self-affirmation: using positive statements to improve well-being and performance. Learn research-based steps to write the most effective affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things.

        Get it Here:

        Author’s Site: Free Shipping
        Barnes and Noble
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        Browse the Positivity Shop

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          3D-3-book-series Lack of Empathy: A Big Red Flag

          About the Author

          Tilted-Diane-Headshot-2023-lighter Lack of Empathy: A Big Red Flag

          Drawing from her personal experiences of growing up in a dysfunctional household, Diane Metcalf has developed effective coping and healing strategies. With the assistance of professional therapists and mindful personal growth, she has honed her skills and now happily shares them with others who are interested in learning and growing.

          As an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer, Diane is well-versed in topics such as narcissism, family dysfunction, abuse, and recognizing warning signs. Her extensive knowledge is drawn not only from her personal experiences, but also from her work in human service fields, including domestic violence, partner abuse, and court advocacy. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.

          Diane’s transformational books on healing and personal growth, such as the highly acclaimed “Lemon Moms” series, offer emotional support and guidance in understanding narcissistic traits and healing past wounds. Her approach emphasizes self-awareness, intention, self-care, and establishing healthy boundaries as essential components in the healing process.

          Learn more about the Lemon Moms series: Lemon Moms

          See what’s happening on DianeMetcalf.com

          This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

          Read more

          Please share!

          Reading time: 7 min
          C-PTSD•Gaslighting•Narcissism

          Narcissistic Lying

          lying
          September 3, 2022 by Diane M. Metcalf, MS No Comments

          This month we’re talking about narcissistic lying. Here’s the thing: narcissists lie. A lot. It’s part of their nature. But did you know that all human beings lie? Our reasons for lying and the types of lies we tell are based on various grounds. The fundamental difference is motivation.

          Self-serving Lies

          We may tell self-serving lies (aka “egocentric lies”) to enhance our feeling of well-being, to achieve a goal, to avoid disappointing someone, or to avoid potential humiliation. Have you ever told a self-serving lie? Here’s an example: you offered to make a homemade veggie dip for tomorrow’s office meeting. But you didn’t have time to make it, so you wake early and go to the grocery to pick one up from the deli. You put it in a dish and add it to the table’s offerings. When you receive compliments, it feels good! So you don’t divulge that the dip was store-bought (Neal 2017).

          Quick Document Links:

          • Kindhearted Lies
          • Narcissistic Lies
          • Tools:

          Kindhearted Lies

          We may tell kindhearted lies (aka “face-saving” or pro-social lies) to prevent someone’s feelings from getting hurt, to save a relationship, or to keep ourselves from losing status. We tell kindhearted lies because we feel empathy or because we care about the person we’re lying to. Sometimes we want to look like we care more about something than we really do, and so we tell a kindhearted lie.

          Have you ever told a kindhearted lie to avoid hurting someone or to seem more interested in someone or something than you actually were? Same.

          Narcissistic Lies

          The current theory about narcissistic lying is that all narcissistic behaviors, including lying, are unconsciously motivated by shame and driven by previous narcissistic injuries.

          Lying is central to a narcissist’s identity, but because all of their experiences are filtered through previous narcissistic injuries, they’ll view their lie as “The Truth.” In his book “The Narcissist You Know,” Dr. Joseph Burgo says about the narcissist, “He doesn’t see himself as a liar but rather as an embattled defender of the ‘truth’ as he has come to see it” (Burgo 2016).

          Narcissistic behaviors, including lying, are unconsciously motivated by shame and driven by previous narcissistic injuries.

          pexels-ty-huynh-3156660-150x150 Narcissistic Lying

          A narcissist’s lies are a combination of their character traits and life experiences, so there’s usually a small “kernel” of truth in each lie. It’ll be difficult and confusing for you to try to find that kernel, but your intuition will tell you it’s there. In their story, in addition to lying, they’ll also exaggerate any information that makes them look “good,” and they’ll just as easily minimize information that has the potential to make them look “bad.”

          Because narcissists must believe that they’re always correct and never make mistakes, they often have difficulty knowing the difference between lies and the truth. It makes absolute sense if you remember that a narcissist’s entire life is a lie because of their false face. They carry grandiose beliefs about their false selves, and they need validation and affirmation to hold onto those beliefs. The false self keeps the narcissist feeling superior, and that’s essential to avoiding narcissistic injuries. They see anything that threatens their superiority as an attack and will respond as such.

          Narcissists need to lie to keep the false face intact, and they need and expect us to believe those lies, or there will be hell to pay. Usually in the form of narcissistic rages or silent treatments.


          Could you be feeling the effects of Narcissism Awareness Grief? Download the free chapter to find out:

          EXPERIENCING NARCISSISM AWARENESS GRIEF

          from Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism


          Tools:

          Learn to recognize Narcissistic Traits

          Find out if you’re experiencing Narcissism Awareness Grief

          Understand the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle

          Understand Narcissistic Supply

          Learn how to deal with what you can’t control

          Learn how expectations cause resentment

          Practice conscious awareness:  Self-awareness releases us from making impulsive and potentially damaging decisions.

          Practice Ferocious Self-care: We take responsibility for getting our needs met instead of waiting for someone to change or to meet our needs for us. We are in control of ourselves. No one is responsible for us but us.

          More Resources You May Like:

          Visit the TOXIC UNDO for More Healing

          Join the Free Email Survival Course:

          Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.

          Private Facebook group included for members only.

          Register Here!
          Free 8-week email Survival Course

            I respect your privacy. Unsubscribe at anytime.

            Get the TOOLBOX APP

            for instant information, support, and validation!

            Toolbox-App-on-Website-2 Narcissistic Lying
            GOOGLEPLAY-EMBLEM Narcissistic Lying
            app-store-logo Narcissistic Lying

            2-1024x1024 Narcissistic Lying

            I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self, Workbook and Journal, by Diane Metcalf

            Experience the power of self-affirmation: using positive statements to improve well-being and performance. Learn research-based steps to write the most effective affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things.

            Get it Here:

            Author’s Site: Free Shipping
            Barnes and Noble
            Amazon
            Browse the Positivity Shop

            Get the TOOLBOX posts twice monthly in your inbox!

            Sign-up for twice monthly coping and healing strategies right to your inbox!
            ​
            ​
            Your Free Gift:
            An Inner Child Guided Healing Meditation MP3

              We respect your privacy. Unsubscribe at anytime.

              3D-3-book-series Narcissistic Lying

              About the Author

              Tilted-Diane-Headshot-2023-lighter Narcissistic Lying

              Drawing from her personal experiences of growing up in a dysfunctional household, Diane Metcalf has developed effective coping and healing strategies. With the assistance of professional therapists and mindful personal growth, she has honed her skills and now happily shares them with others who are interested in learning and growing.

              As an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer, Diane is well-versed in topics such as narcissism, family dysfunction, abuse, and recognizing warning signs. Her extensive knowledge is drawn not only from her personal experiences, but also from her work in human service fields, including domestic violence, partner abuse, and court advocacy. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.

              Diane’s transformational books on healing and personal growth, such as the highly acclaimed “Lemon Moms” series, offer emotional support and guidance in understanding narcissistic traits and healing past wounds. Her approach emphasizes self-awareness, intention, self-care, and establishing healthy boundaries as essential components in the healing process.

              Learn more about the Lemon Moms series: Lemon Moms

              See what’s happening on DianeMetcalf.com

              This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

              Read more

              Please share!

              Reading time: 3 min
              Anger•Narcissism•Scapegoating

              The Nature Of Narcissistic Rage: Understanding Outbursts And Grudges

              Angry doll
              July 1, 2022 by Diane M. Metcalf, MS No Comments

              Have you ever witnessed someone’s narcissistic rage? Speaking from experience, I’m guessing that it’s something you will not easily forget.

              In my book Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism, I talk about the fact that narcissists are opinionated, argumentative, and defensive, and have no problem confronting, criticizing, shaming, or mocking anyone who challenges or disagrees with them.

              Quick Document Links:

              • Definition
              • Let’s Pretend: Navigating Reality In A Relationship With A Narcissist
              • Passive Aggressive Rage
              • When Words Fail: The Connection Between Narcissistic Rages And Non-Verbal Expressions Of Anger
              • The Consequences of Rage
              • How to Handle a Narcissistic Rage
              • Tools for Healing

              Definition

              You see, narcissists don’t entertain differences of opinion or perspectives. Instead, they gain (or re-gain) control of a conversation or a situation by gaslighting, humiliating, insulting, and discrediting others, or by having a type of emotional meltdown known as a narcissistic rage. Narcissistic rages happen when we do anything that causes a narcissistic injury or wound; anything perceived as a threat to their self-importance, dominance, or ‘false face.’

              Narcissistic anger is similar to an adult temper tantrum, except that it can be dangerous for us to witness, or worse, become the target. These highly emotional episodes are meant to unbalance, scare, intimidate and unnerve us. They are used as threatening displays of power and control. They consist of unexpected and uncontrollable outrage triggered by some type of narcissistic injury or wounding. For example, if a narcissist’s self-esteem or self-worth has been hurt, rage will probably ensue.

              When a narcissist is caught up in this type of outburst, they are unreasonable and unforgiving. Their main objective at this point is to hurt and take revenge. They want to seriously punish the “offender,” even if it means losing a relationship or irrevocably damaging one. They want to “win” at any cost. They won’t feel regret, remorse, or any need to apologize for their volatile, hurtful, damaging, embarrassing, and attention-seeking eruption. (See How to Recognize a Narcissist.)

              Narcissistic rages are fear-based and can persist even after the perceived threat is gone. Often, these rages are not warranted, and a narcissist will hang onto the memory of our perceived transgression for weeks and months at a time. They will continue exacting revenge and punishing. When are they done? When they decide to be done. Those on the narcissism spectrum can be champion grudge holders. Holding grudges vindicates their hurtful behavior. Grudges give them a reason to feel victimized. A narcissist will bring up your “wrongdoings” as frequently as they can while playing the injured “poor me” to get sympathy and narcissistic supply. The message is that they didn’t hurt you. YOU hurt them!

              Let’s Pretend: Navigating Reality In A Relationship With A Narcissist

              “Slamming and banging” is a type of narcissistic rage and a scenario I regularly experienced while growing up. When my mother was angry, she wouldn’t (couldn’t?) express her feelings. Instead, she would slam and bang things—usually cupboard doors, pots, pans, shoes, car doors, and room doors, but really it could be any object within reach. This was how she demonstrated feelings of annoyance, disappointment, irritation, or frustration. She didn’t use words to express these feelings, and on the rare occasion that she did, they were shouted, hurtful, and inappropriate.

              When I was a child, too naive to appreciate the danger of doing so, I asked, “Is something wrong, Mommy?” and she routinely and furiously shouted “No!” -a confusing mixed message. Clearly, something was very wrong, and even a child could see it. If I worriedly kept pressing, (wanting her to re-gain emotional control, and wanting to feel safe myself,) I paid the price by being shouted at, called hurtful names, humiliated, shamed, or punished. It was not good to ask questions during the rages, even as an act of kindness or concern. Her rages were some of the most traumatizing events of my childhood

              As I matured, my question changed from “Is something wrong?” to “What is wrong?” I’d slowly become aware that something was very amiss at home, and I refused to continue playing “let’s pretend” everything’s fine. I could clearly see that something was upsetting her, and I called it out. Of course, the results were the same as before. Here’s the thing: when you live with a dysfunctional person, you understand that “reality” is never “real” because everyone involved is playing a form of “let’s pretend.” You play let’s pretend to keep them calm, and so that you can feel safe. But everyone involved is pretending something different.

              punching-300x200 The Nature Of Narcissistic Rage: Understanding Outbursts And Grudges

              Passive Aggressive Rage

              Sometimes narcissistic rages don’t actually look like rages. These are the passive-aggressive kinds of rage, meaning that they feel aggressive even though they appear docile. They involve sulking, giving backhanded compliments, procrastinating, making sarcastic remarks, withdrawing, sabotaging and undermining, and even include “the silent treatment.” These passive-aggressive behaviors are subtle and discreet, but they’re narcissistic rages nonetheless. My narcissist vacillated between loud, intimidating, furious outbursts and using passive aggression. At times she shouted; hurling obscenities so loudly and fiercely that she turned purple, her eyes bulged, and spittle flew. It was terrifying to see her like that, not only because she looked horrifically ugly, but because she was emotionally out of control. It’s scary and traumatizing to witness the parent you depend on losing self-control. At times like these, I never knew what to expect, so I was on high alert and prepared for pretty much anything; I might be backhanded across the face or hauled into a bedroom and left, or ignored for hours. I might be called names that shredded my developing self-worth and crushed my spirit. I might be struck with an object, deprived of meals or activities, or threatened with having bones broken, or being murdered or abandoned. Or she could simply and completely withdraw from my life, not speaking to me for as long as she felt necessary. When she was passive-aggressive she often made sarcastic, hurtful comments in a sweet, caring, and kind voice. Talk about crazy-making environments!

              When Words Fail: The Connection Between Narcissistic Rages And Non-Verbal Expressions Of Anger

              More than four decades after their divorce, my mother routinely called the Social Security Administration to confirm that her ex-husband, my father, was still alive. She was motivated by a firm determination to receive survivor benefits when he passed.

              One morning, she made the usual call and discovered that my father had passed six months prior. She called me at work to tell me that my father was dead, and she was livid that no one had contacted her. She was outraged that she’d missed out on several months of financial benefits and was extremely distraught. She wanted me to come to her home when my workday was finished.

              When I got there, she wanted me to drive her to the post office. She’d written a letter to my father’s widow, his wife of more than forty years, and intended to send it by certified mail. She knew their address because she’d stalked them for years. When I warily asked about the letter’s contents, I learned that it was a hurtful, scathing chastisement for not personally informing my mother, or his children, of my father’s death.

              I didn’t take her to the post office, and I don’t know if the letter was ever sent.

              Narcissistic rages have nothing to do with you. Narcissism is a mental illness caused by events on which you had no influence.

              So, what caused this tumultuous disturbance? This day-long narcissistic rage was triggered by the enormous sense of injustice and entitlement that my mother felt. She had been “wronged”; she had been slighted. She had been overlooked as the first wife. She had been temporarily denied her rightful financial due. All of those were narcissistic injuries.

              Within hours, she busily began informing family, friends, and neighbors that she’d become a “widow,” readily accepting condolences and sympathy. The rage had passed; she was a victim again.

              Narcissistic injuries that may trigger rage in a narcissist:

              • Someone criticized them.
              • They were not the center of attention.
              • They were embarrassed.
              • They were confronted.
              • Someone pointed out a character flaw.
              • Someone noticed that they’d made an error.
              • They were caught lying, cheating, stealing, or breaking a rule of acceptable behavior.
              • They felt like they were losing control.
              • Their authority was challenged or threatened.
              • Someone made a decision without their input.
              • Someone took the initiative without their permission.
              • Someone was appreciated (or more highly regarded) than they.
              • Someone didn’t take their advice.
              • They were asked to be accountable for their actions.
              • They did not get the special treatment they thought they deserved.
              • They were reminded of their inadequacy.
              • They were shamed.

              The Consequences of Rage

              It’s interesting to know that narcissists may pay a heavy price for their rages.

              In “Understanding Narcissism’s Destructive Impact on Relationships,” Preston Ni (2018), talks about the consequences a narcissist may suffer as a result of ongoing, vindictive, narcissistic anger. Some of these include:

              1. Family Estrangement: Research shows that narcissistic rages hurt family relationships.
              2. Lost romantic relationships and divorce: Research shows that rages hurt romantic relationships and marriages.
              3. Isolation: Narcissists use people for personal gain. Eventually, acquaintances, family, and friends recognize this and distance themselves or go “no contact.”
              4. Loneliness: Narcissists have few healthy or lasting relationships.
              5. Missed Opportunities: Because of the lack of personal connection, opportunities may disappear or don’t appear in the first place.
              6. Legal, Financial, or Career issues: Rule-breaking, irresponsibility, and carelessness are found to have legal and financial repercussions.
              7. Damaged Reputation: A lack of personal or professional integrity, trustworthiness, or dependability can negatively impact others’ perceptions.

              How to Handle a Narcissistic Rage

              There are several actions you can take beforehand to protect yourself from a narcissist’s rage:

              • Set and enforce boundaries
              • Limit the amount of contact you have with the narcissist
              • Don’t engage. Walk away
              • Use the Gray Rock technique
              • Use the communication strategies outlined in the “Talking with Your Mother” chapter, book 1, Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism
              • Talk to a mental health professional or therapist

              Understand that narcissistic rage has nothing to do with you. Narcissism is a mental illness and a spectrum disorder caused by events that you did not influence. You didn’t cause the narcissism, you can’t control it, and you can’t cure it. You can ONLY control how you respond to it.



              Could you be feeling the effects of Narcissism Awareness Grief? Download the free chapter to find out:

              EXPERIENCING NARCISSISM AWARENESS GRIEF

              from Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism



              Tools for Healing

              Understand the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle

              Learn about Narcissism Awareness Grief

              Learn to set boundaries

              Learn about dysfunctional family roles

              Find out what trauma does to your brain

              Learn about codependency and other maladaptive coping skills

              Understand Cognitive Dissonance

              Take the Adverse Childhood Experiences Quiz

              More Resources You May Like:

              Visit the TOXIC UNDO for More Healing

              Join the Free Email Survival Course:

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                  About the Author

                  Tilted-Diane-Headshot-2023-lighter The Nature Of Narcissistic Rage: Understanding Outbursts And Grudges

                  Drawing from her personal experiences of growing up in a dysfunctional household, Diane Metcalf has developed effective coping and healing strategies. With the assistance of professional therapists and mindful personal growth, she has honed her skills and now happily shares them with others who are interested in learning and growing.

                  As an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer, Diane is well-versed in topics such as narcissism, family dysfunction, abuse, and recognizing warning signs. Her extensive knowledge is drawn not only from her personal experiences, but also from her work in human service fields, including domestic violence, partner abuse, and court advocacy. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.

                  Diane’s transformational books on healing and personal growth, such as the highly acclaimed “Lemon Moms” series, offer emotional support and guidance in understanding narcissistic traits and healing past wounds. Her approach emphasizes self-awareness, intention, self-care, and establishing healthy boundaries as essential components in the healing process.

                  Learn more about the Lemon Moms series: Lemon Moms

                  See what’s happening on DianeMetcalf.com

                  This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

                  Read more

                  Please share!

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                  Anger•Narcissism•Self Care

                  When Mother’s Day Hurts

                  broken heart
                  May 1, 2022 by Diane M. Metcalf, MS No Comments

                  If your relationship with your mother is typically full of pain and heartache, this article is dedicated to you.

                  When Mother’s Day Hurts

                  Every April and May of every year, we are urged by all manner of media to remember our mothers on the second Sunday of May. These pre-Mother’s Day messages often portray sweet, heartwarming, sentimental interactions between mothers and their children. Viewing those ads has always been difficult for me because I have longed for those kinds of interactions with my own mother for my entire life.

                  Suppose your mother is self-important, seeks admiration, believes she’s superior, lacks empathy, manipulates and uses her children, puts others down to elevate herself, is hypersensitive to criticism, and believes she deserves special treatment. In that case, she may be on the narcissism spectrum, and you will likely experience mixed feelings about Mother’s Day.

                  Quick document links

                  • Confusion and Cognitive Dissonance
                  • There’s a Name For It
                  • Self-care
                  • Tools for Healing

                  Daughters and sons of narcissistic mothers are out there, and they feel alone and misunderstood.

                  An emotionally healthy mother’s love is a powerful, lifelong theme for most children; her kindness, compassion, validation, and the loving bond that they share. For those of us who don’t have that kind of mom, memories, or relationship, we are keenly aware of those who do. And we wonder why we don’t. Because surely if our mothers can’t love us, it must be our fault. We must be unlovable, right?

                  American culture views motherhood as a saintly paradigm, promoting that mother love is instinctive, unconditional, and spontaneous; and that all women can love, empathize, and nurture. These myths and inaccuracies are detrimental; they harm unloved children’s spirits, holding them in a state of self-doubt and cognitive dissonance.

                  When a mother and adult child relationship fails, it’s the adult child who’s usually held responsible. These kinds of cultural perspectives can keep an unloved daughter or son stuck in the place they’ve been since childhood—knowing that something is wrong and blaming themselves. They wonder who will be able to love them if their own mothers can’t.

                  But mothering is a learned behavior in human beings. A spectrum of maternal behaviors exists, from healthy to toxic. Acknowledging this may be helpful when we think about Mother’s Day.

                  I used to spend a huge amount of emotional energy just selecting a Mother’s Day card. Today, there is more awareness and sensitivity regarding family dysfunction and the understanding that not all mothers are loving and kind. These days, it’s easier to find a more realistic card sentiment. But years ago, it was extremely difficult to find a card that didn’t boldly announce “Happy Mother’s Day to the Greatest Mother in the World!” or “I’m So Blessed That You’re My Mother” All of them gushed with sentiments that I didn’t feel, and all of them felt like lies. While I dealt with that, others dealt with decisions like: “Should I even send a card?” “Should I call?” “Should I see her?” “Should I ignore the day?” “What should I do?”

                  The thing is, if we’re still attempting to please and appease our narcissistic moms, we’re in a no-win situation. Whatever we do will not be good enough because it never has. Like others in this situation, every year I went through emotional pain and turmoil: on Mother’s Day, I was forced to face the stark and demoralizing humiliation of our one-sided relationship for the entire day. I was actually a mother myself, yet I was focused on making this day all about MY mother. I wasn’t able to enjoy what the day meant for me as a mother. I missed out on feeling connected with my kids and letting them focus on me, celebrating me. Instead, I expected them to focus on her too. The entire day was about my mother and making her happy. But of course, she never was. She spent the day criticizing the weather, the restaurant, the food, her gifts, and other people. For decades this continued and I didn’t see it because I was supremely codependent, unaware, and unhealed. Eventually, I awakened and realized that something needed to change. I finally accepted that she wasn’t going to change. I needed to change.

                  Experts say that with a narcissistic mother, you have two choices: live on her terms (focusing on her, chasing after her withheld love, acceptance, and affection) or go “no contact.” This feels like black and white (all or none) thinking to me, and I’ve never been a big fan. I prefer to see all the shades of gray. So I created a third option for myself: I identified my cognitive dissonance and C-PTSD symptoms and prioritized healing them with various forms of therapy. I refused to be gaslighted, I set enforceable boundaries and started trusting my mind and my memories. I no longer focused on what she did, said, wanted, or expected, and as a result, I no longer felt humiliated, unloved, invalidated, and rejected. Our relationship was finally on my terms.

                  heart-300x200 When Mother's Day Hurts

                  Confusion and Cognitive Dissonance

                  As children, if our need for love and connection to our mothers was not met, we simply blamed ourselves. And then we began forming beliefs that we are not good enough and that we don’t matter.

                  If you are an empathetic person, you are naturally sensitive to others’ emotional needs. Trying to understand that narcissists don’t have the ability to feel empathy is difficult to understand or believe. As children of narcissists, we keep returning to that parent, again and again, hoping and wishing that it will be different this time. We focus on gaining approval, validation, acceptance, and love. We jump through any hoop offered. When nothing changes, it triggers more pain and confusion and a continuation of the “I’m not-good-enough’s” and “I-don’t-matter’s.”

                  Then we grew up, and we may have started to realize that the problem is not us! There is nothing—and there never was—anything inherently wrong with us, as we may have been led to believe.

                  You do not need a formal diagnosis to determine that your relationship is unhealthy. If it is, you can do something about it.

                  There’s a Name For It

                  “Narcissism Awareness Grief” (NAG) is a condition coined by Dr. Christine Hammond, a Licensed Mental Health Counselor. She teaches that the loss of a mother’s love, warmth, interest, and connection is a momentous loss that must be consciously grieved.

                  Narcissism Awareness Grief acknowledges that our mothers’ narcissistic traits have negatively impacted us. When we begin to come to terms with how they have impacted us, we can break through the denial and start working through six stages of grief, to finally arrive at the final phase of Acceptance. When you fully understand and accept that you cannot change or control your mother’s perception of you, the ball is truly in your court. It’s from the point of Acceptance that your life can and will change. Remember, acceptance does not mean liking or agreeing. You can accept that your mother has narcissistic traits, but you don’t have to like it. Accepting and liking are two separate things.

                  I remember very well what it was like to experience Narcissism Awareness Grief. As I slowly became aware of how my mother’s narcissistic traits affected me, I felt a mixture of denial, disbelief, and a sense of overwhelming sadness. You see, when we discover that the dysfunction and trauma we experienced as children has an actual name, there’s an initial rush of validation. We suddenly realize that we’re not alone, that we’re not crazy, and that we haven’t imagined it. Narcissistic mistreatment, trauma, and abuse are real things, and we can recover from them.

                  Self-care

                  What can we adult children of maternal narcissists do to feel better on Mother’s Day?

                  Like most days, you can make the day into whatever you want. Here are a few suggestions that can help:

                  1. Question the card. Search for a generic Mother’s Day card if you want to send a card at all. Giving a card that says “Best Mom in the World” is an act of denial. The first step to healing is admitting how you feel about your relationship. NO MORE DENIAL. It takes courage not to buy that lying card. If you want to give a card, find one, or make one that better acknowledges how you feel.
                  2. Eliminate expectations. You can’t be disappointed if you don’t expect anything to be different this year. Learn to drop expectations.
                  3. Make new traditions. Do the day differently. Celebrate yourself! Do something you enjoy, whether solo or with a friend. Focus on self-care.
                  4. Feel and express your feelings. Give yourself permission to feel and express whatever you’re feeling. Give yourself space to cry, be angry, feel unloved, or grieve. Acknowledge that you have reason to feel these feelings, and validate your childhood memories. Write it all in a journal to get it out of your system in a healthy way.
                  5. Shift the focus. Practice gratitude, speak healing affirmations, or do something nice for someone else.
                  6. Make an appointment. If Mother’s Day annually triggers anxiety or depression, give yourself the gift of scheduled time with a professional to start the healing process.
                  7. Seek support. Find support groups in your area or online. Talking with others who understand narcissism dynamics can help in your healing journey. And as always, don’t try to explain it to those who don’t. Others who don’t understand narcissism may unknowingly invalidate you, causing further pain or trauma.
                  8. Express gratitude to the mothers you know who are loving and kind. Honor other women who have given you motherly love, perhaps a grandmother, aunt, or friend.
                  9. If you are a mother, work to end the legacy of one-sided love. Acknowledge and be grateful for your ability to love.
                  10. Start working on a recovery program, so you don’t pass the legacy down to your children. If you are already working on healing, good for you! Do the work!

                  On Mother’s Day, let’s all honor the mothers who have given their children the gifts of love and nurturing. Let’s applaud the mothers who are working on a program to change the family legacy of narcissistic mistreatment or abuse. And at the same time, let’s acknowledge the truths of the daughters and sons of mothers who cannot show love to their children.

                  You’re all in my thoughts,

                  Diane



                  Could you be feeling the effects of Narcissism Awareness Grief? Download the free chapter to find out:

                  EXPERIENCING NARCISSISM AWARENESS GRIEF

                  from Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism



                  Tools for Healing

                  Start using positive detachment

                  Learn about Narcissism Awareness Grief

                  Learn to set boundaries

                  Learn about dysfunctional family roles

                  Understand trauma bonds

                  Learn about codependency and maladaptive coping skills

                  Understand the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle

                  Learn to drop expectations

                  More Resources You May Like:

                  Visit the TOXIC UNDO for More Healing

                  Join the Free Email Survival Course:

                  Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.

                  Private Facebook group included for members only.

                  Register Here!
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                    for instant information, support, and validation!

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                      About the Author

                      Tilted-Diane-Headshot-2023-lighter When Mother's Day Hurts

                      Drawing from her personal experiences of growing up in a dysfunctional household, Diane Metcalf has developed effective coping and healing strategies. With the assistance of professional therapists and mindful personal growth, she has honed her skills and now happily shares them with others who are interested in learning and growing.

                      As an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer, Diane is well-versed in topics such as narcissism, family dysfunction, abuse, and recognizing warning signs. Her extensive knowledge is drawn not only from her personal experiences, but also from her work in human service fields, including domestic violence, partner abuse, and court advocacy. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.

                      Diane’s transformational books on healing and personal growth, such as the highly acclaimed “Lemon Moms” series, offer emotional support and guidance in understanding narcissistic traits and healing past wounds. Her approach emphasizes self-awareness, intention, self-care, and establishing healthy boundaries as essential components in the healing process.

                      Learn more about the Lemon Moms series: Lemon Moms

                      See what’s happening on DianeMetcalf.com

                      This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

                      Read more

                      Please share!

                      Reading time: 9 min
                      Narcissism•Self Care•Well-being

                      Welcome

                      flower looking at sky
                      March 1, 2022 by Diane M. Metcalf, MS No Comments

                      Welcome to The Toolbox! This is a safe space.

                      The TOOLBOX is a place to nurture and redefine yourself after being involved (or while currently involved ) in a non-nurturing or unsupportive relationship.

                      This site is about recognizing how someone’s neglect, emotional absence, mental illness, or distorted thinking affects you and applying new insights to improve your life.

                      This is a safe space to learn skills and strategies to change yourself, and your relationships, challenge your thinking, and take back your personal power. It’s a place to begin healing and moving forward from the effects of emotionally absent people, unsupportive relationships, narcissists, and self-focused mothers aka “Lemon Moms.”

                      What’s a Lemon Mom? A Lemon Mom may be on the narcissism spectrum or may have full-blown, diagnosable Narcissistic Personality Disorder. She lacks the capacity to bond with her children, and they grow up feeling “not good enough,” confused, unloved, misunderstood, unimportant, or invisible, that they “don’t matter” or have no influence. As adults they continue disliking, ignoring, or neglecting themselves, taking unnecessary risks, and being attracted to people who aren’t good for them. They minimize themselves so that others can feel good, and they stay in hurtful relationships, and put themselves last, if at all.

                      On this site, diagnoses are irrelevant! If someone’s personality traits negatively impact your life or cause you pain, that’s what’s important to realize and change.

                      You don’t need a professional diagnosis to determine a relationship is unhealthy, or make positive changes for yourself.

                      I wrote the book “Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism” (and the rest of the Lemon Moms series) to safely walk others through the chaos and confusion of narcissistic behavior; what it is, what it does, and how to recover from its devastating effects. I include personal examples and action-oriented steps that you can start taking today. I teach how to decode crazy-making behavior, and use healthy skills and strategies to begin healing so you can move forward into your best life.

                      The information provided here is based on my education, professional and personal experiences with domestic violence and abuse, my personal healing journey, and lots of current research.

                      I hope you enjoy reading and learning what’s here. I especially hope that you celebrate your progress and keep moving forward in your own healing journey.

                      I urge you to do the work.

                      Diane Metcalf

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                        Are you feeling mental, emotional, or physical distress from trying to please your mother and it's never good enough? You may be dealing with Narcissistic Victim Syndrome.

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                        This upcoming book delves deep into the complexities of human behavior, guiding you through the maze of narcissists, psychopaths, manipulators, liars, and self-absorbed individuals. Learn the crucial skills to differentiate between harmless eccentricities and genuine red flags.

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