The TOOLBOX is a place to nurture and redefine yourself after involvement in a non-nurturing, or unsupportive relationship. This is a safe space to learn skills and strategies to change yourself, your relationships, challenge your thinking and take back your personal power. It’s a place to begin healing and moving forward from the effects of emotionally absent people, unsupportive relationships, narcissists, and self-focused mothers aka “Lemon Moms.”
What’s a Lemon Mom? A Lemon Mom has some narcissistic traits; she may be somewhere on the narcissism spectrum or she may have full-blown, diagnosable Narcissistic Personality Disorder. She lacks the capacity to bond with or love her children unconditionally. Her children may grow up feeling “not good enough,” confused, unloved, misunderstood, unimportant, or invisible, believing they don’t matter or have no influence. As adults they continue disliking, ignoring, or neglecting themselves, taking unnecessary risks, being attracted to people who aren’t good for them, minimizing themselves so others can feel good, staying in hurtful relationships, and putting themselves last, if at all.
On this site, diagnoses are irrelevant! If someone’s personality traits negatively impact your life, or cause you pain, that’s what’s important to know and change. This site is about recognizing how someone’s emotional absence, mental illness, or distorted thinking affects you, and applying what you learn to improve your life.
You don’t need a diagnosis to determine that a relationship is unhealthy or to start making positive changes for yourself.
I wrote the book “Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism” (and the rest of the lemon Moms series) as a way to safely walk through the chaos and confusion of narcissistic behavior; defining what it is, what it does, and more importantly, how to move on from its devastating effects. I use a laid-back narrative, personal examples, and action-oriented steps. I teach you how to decode the crazy-making behavior, use healthy coping skills and strategies to begin healing, and move forward to live your best life.
I write from my own personal healing journey, information provided by professional therapists, researchers, and my education and field experience in Human Services, specifically domestic violence and abuse.
I hope you enjoy reading and learning what’s here. I especially hope that you celebrate your progress and keep moving forward in your own healing journey.
I urge you to do the work necessary to move forward.
Diane Metcalf
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I’m tired of hearing about the seemingly sad and scary state of the world. But at the same time, I want and need to stay apprised of what’s happening. Things are changing very quickly, almost hourly, and it’s tempting to keep the TV on just to stay “in the know“. But here’s the thing: staying glued to news programs can overwhelm you, release stress hormones, cause insomnia, worry, and unnecessary anxiety.
I’m not saying don’t watch the news, but know when to turn it off or temporarily disengage. Events are unfolding at such a rapid pace that it’s hard to keep up. Immersing yourself in the negativity without taking breaks for helpful and healing activities will affect your thoughts and your body negatively.
I experienced this myself last Tuesday. Until then, I thought I was handling the unfolding events very well. But quite unexpectedly, I had a surge of overwhelming feelings and I found myself crying with no real “reason“ for it. I felt like I just couldn’t handle another piece of information. It felt good to cry, and, I suggest that you do some crying too. Crying is like a pressure valve. It lets out the feelings we’ve been holding inside while trying to stay strong. But we’re strong even when we cry. I think it’s a smart healing thing to do, and we feel more clearheaded, grounded, and calm when we’re finished.
We’re all experiencing traumatic events right now. We may be overwhelmed with information coming through the radio, TV, friends, family, neighbors, or social media. We may not know what to think or what to do. We may become hyper-vigilant, trying to keep up, putting our flight or fight survival mode into overdrive. This means dealing with an excess of hormones like cortisol, (which can cause, among other things, slower healing, weakness, fatigue, irritability, difficulty concentrating, high blood pressure, and headaches) and adrenaline (which among other things, increases heart rate and blood pressure). It also means that our hippocampus and amygdalae won’t be able to store short-term memories properly, and you may find yourself feeling scatterbrained.
What you can do
Take frequent breaks from the input. Taking breaks can also feel overwhelming and traumatizing at first. It’s important to know that if you find yourself getting overwhelmed, feeling stressed, or anxious, you should turn off the media and do something healing for yourself. Take a bath or a shower, clean a room, rearrange your pantry, clean out a drawer, take inventory of your supplies, journal, reach out to a friend; anything that will make you feel better and serve as a distraction from the situation. Think of all the things you can do to make you feel better and use that list over the next several weeks.
Think back to a time when you felt overwhelmed and life was uncertain, and you got through it. Remind yourself that you coped then, and you will this time, too. Focus less on the changes and uncertainty and instead focus on centering, grounding, and calming yourself. Go back to watching the news when you feel you can handle it. Watch in short doses, taking short breaks in between.
If you’re stuck at home, use this new gift of time to do the things you’ve been putting off. Get started writing that book, read to your kids, organize your digital photos, organize a closet. You get the idea. Think of the things you’ve been wanting to do and wishing you had the time to do, then start doing them. It’s amazing what getting into the “flow“ does to make you feel accomplished.
Connect with people using social media. See if you have “Nextdoor.com” for your neighborhood and connect electronically with your neighbors. You can share information about stores and product availability, other resources, and important information.
Check-in on elderly loved ones and elderly neighbors. Help whoever you can.
Read uplifting material whether it’s a spiritual text, poetry, or old love letters. Watch comedies. Read that book you’ve been wanting to read!
Journal! Not only will writing get worries off your mind, but it could be a keepsake for your children later on; a historical record of what’s happening and your thoughts and feelings about it.
Do something physically challenging for stress relief. Jog in place, or pull out one of those old exercise videos and have at it. Make a game of it with your kids. Movement feels good and releases endorphins and other calming hormones. So does guided meditation, yoga, and stretching. Do the things that help you feel grounded, like praying or gratitude exercises.
Control what you’re eating. Sugars and carbs cause inflammation, and inflammation lowers immunity.
Six things that keep your immunity high
Eat healthy foods in moderation and take a daily multivitamin.
Exercise for 30 minutes daily.
Get enough sleep.
Wash your hands.
Minimize or stop alcohol consumption.
Quit smoking. Now is a great time!
Make time for yourself
As we become accustomed to these new events and our new temporary lifestyle, let’s put ourselves on our own to-do list. Make yourself a priority too. Remember, airlines always tell us to put on our own oxygen masks before assisting others. There’s a reason for that: you’re not going to be of any use to anyone if you don’t take care of yourself first.
Stay well, and, stay healthy my friends.
Tools:
Conscious awareness: Be aware and make conscious choices before acting. Self-awareness releases us from making impulsive and potentially damaging decisions. Learn about setting boundaries
Self-care: We can only choose to focus on and be responsible for ourselves, our own thoughts, actions, and behavior. The good news is that we can change ourselves with patience, persistence, and practice. We can take responsibility for getting our needs met, instead of waiting for someone to change or meet our needs for us. We are in control of ourselves and no one is responsible for us but us.
Announcing- I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self, Workbook and Journal
The first book in the new series “Be you and Own It.”
A step-by-step method to learn how to write the highest vibrating, most powerful affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things.
Available world-wide in any store (ask and they’ll order it for you!) and on Amazon US, UK, Germany, Italy, Spain, Japan, France, Netherlands, Canada, Australia and more.
As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, author Diane Metcalf developed strong coping skills and healing strategies. She happily shares those with others who want to learn and grow.
Diane is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer on family dysfunction, and narcissism. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology. She has worked in numerous human service fields, including domestic violence and partner abuse.
She has authored four transformational books about healing and moving forward, including the highly praised “Lemon Moms” series. This emotionally supportive collection explains maternal narcissistic traits and teaches how to reconcile past hurts to begin self-nurturing, healing and moving forward.
The Lemon Moms series, as well as her other books and articles, are an aggregation of education, insight, and personal growth resulting from childhood experiences and her subsequent recovery work.
She writes about strategies for recovering and moving on from hurtful people and painful, dysfunctional, or toxic relationships on The Toolbox blog.
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