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Well-being
Self Care•Trauma•Well-being

Reclaiming Our Power: Moving Beyond Victimhood After Relational Trauma

Healed relationship
March 8, 2023 by Diane M. Metcalf, MS No Comments

Many of us who’ve been affected by relational trauma have ugly scars on our hearts. We may see ourselves as victims, or feel helpless or stuck. But living in a state of victimhood is damaging; it keeps us focused on our limitations and leads us into giving up our personal power.

Here’s the thing: recovering from relational trauma is the opposite of victimhood; it involves reclaiming our power, setting healthy boundaries for ourselves, and making choices based on our needs, wants, and what is good for us.

Healing from relational trauma is a bittersweet journey that requires patience, self-compassion, and doing healing work in a judgment-free zone. Every person’s healing process is unique. It’s essential to do this work without applying restrictions, expectations, or a time frame. There will be unexpected insights and discoveries along the way requiring exploration and healing.

Quick Links:

  • THE BITTERSWEET JOURNEY OF HEALING FROM RELATIONAL TRAUMA: EMBRACING UNPREDICTABILITY AND SELF-COMPASSION
  • DISCLOSING PERSONAL ASPECTS OF RELATIONSHIPS: TO SHARE OR NOT TO SHARE?
  • WHAT HEALING IS, AND IS NOT
  • THINKING VS. FEELING
  • THE DEEP DIVE: REFRAMING PAINFUL EXPERIENCES IN THE RECOVERY PROCESS
  • TOOLS FOR MOVING FORWARD

THE BITTERSWEET JOURNEY OF HEALING FROM RELATIONAL TRAUMA: EMBRACING UNPREDICTABILITY AND SELF-COMPASSION

It’s critical to acknowledge that the healing process is unique for each of us, and cannot be predetermined or compared with others’ journeys. And creating an accepting, judgment-free zone for ourselves is crucial because healing requires effort, courage, and vulnerability. Our recovery is not simply the “after” that follows the “before,” it is much more than that. Recovery involves deep-diving into and reframing painful experiences to add depth and new significance to our personal stories. We wouldn’t be who we are without these experiences. Doing this work requires reflection, insight, emotion, time, and effort, so it’s beneficial to be kind to ourselves as we learn and grow.

DISCLOSING PERSONAL ASPECTS OF RELATIONSHIPS: TO SHARE OR NOT TO SHARE?

As we’re healing, it’s important to be careful when disclosing personal aspects of our relationships. Sharing our thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and ideas with people who are currently in unhealthy relationships themselves or haven’t recovered from their own traumatic or hurtful relationships can either trigger us or lead them to respond inappropriately or hurtfully. As we recover, we will naturally become better at discerning whom we can trust with our openness. After healing, we understand that emotionally healthy people are the ones who can respectfully hear and accept us without their sense of self becoming threatened.

WHAT HEALING IS, AND IS NOT

Healing is not a process of erasing pain and memories. It requires effort, courage, and the ability to reframe painful experiences to create a new outlook and meaning for us. When we’ve healed, scars from our past may be a permanent reminder, but they do not continue to define us. They are now just a small, faded part of our unique history.

Recuperating from emotional abuse, neglect or mistreatment requires us to be willing to become new and better versions of ourselves. Being willing to forgive ourselves is a vital part of this process because we might have unknowingly, or knowingly, hurt others as a result of our unhealed or unacknowledged wounds. Throughout the healing process, we regain the ability to trust ourselves, make sound decisions, and trust others.

THINKING VS. FEELING

Thinking and feeling are distinct and separate approaches for relating to our environment, experiences, and memories.

Thinking about and remembering what happened to us doesn’t promote healing. That’s where many of us get stuck. Real healing requires more than educating ourselves or revisiting old memories. It takes more than adding new practices to our lives, like affirmations, meditation, or prayer. Those are all great for personal growth and for gaining insight, and I think it’s beneficial for us to do any or all of those things. But in my experience, they’re not enough to truly promote recovery.

Here’s my point: all of those are done on a conscious level.

THE DEEP DIVE: REFRAMING PAINFUL EXPERIENCES IN THE RECOVERY PROCESS

The process of healing emotional wounds cannot be achieved through cognitive processes like thought, reasoning, and logic alone. Healing emotional wounds requires feeling. It’s crucial to feel what we’re doing instead of trying to think our way into recovery. While it’s important to use our cognitive abilities to learn and understand, we must also do the “feeling” work because attempting to heal on a conscious level, using rationalization, can lead to the same pain, confusion, and frustration we experienced when it was happening. It’s like running on a treadmill and going nowhere.  Re-experiencing sorrow, confusion, and anger with a new perspective and understanding can promote healing because our emotional wounds reside in our subconscious. It makes sense to address the wounds where they live.

Im-Here-Instagram-Post-Square-1024x1024 Reclaiming Our Power: Moving Beyond Victimhood After Relational Trauma

Dodging the healing process can heighten emotional triggers, perpetuating a cycle of self-avoidance; hiding from and denying our pain any time the pain is felt. We might turn to substances or activities to avoid feeling our pain; alcohol, drugs, food, sex, shopping, or gambling. Almost anything can serve as a distraction. The result is that nothing gets healed, and our pain and emotional triggers continue to grow.

If the idea of re-experiencing any part of your past is frightening or concerning to you, then seeking professional help is recommended. Please seek help from a licensed abuse recovery expert. Finding a licensed abuse recovery expert who specializes in your specific trauma can provide validation, knowledge, and safety to aid you in your healing journey. It takes courage and wisdom to seek professional help, especially when you’ve experienced significant pain.

So now the question is, are you ready to take back your personal power and make a huge perspective shift to begin healing?

First, consider how healing may change your personality, goals, and relationships. Healing reframes painful experiences and provides an opportunity for personal growth. Healing restores our capacity to trust ourselves and others. How do these potential changes make you feel?

I think it’s important to also mention that healing means getting comfortable with others detaching from us. As we begin to understand that we can’t control how others perceive us, we organically let go of the idea that we need others’ validation in our healing journey. We accept that our healing process is a self-focused and insightful time that belongs only to us and becomes part of our life experience. The people you lose during the healing process were meant to be with unhealed you.

As you’re doing your healing work, it’s important to acknowledge every breakthrough and celebrate your progress toward living a healthier life with intact boundaries. The process of healing may be painful, but developing a healthy self-concept and outlook, along with new life skills, and enforceable boundaries are the ultimate goals. With time, healed individuals will easily recognize narcissists and toxic people and handle them accordingly.

It’s a journey of progress, not perfection.

You’ve got this.


Could you be feeling the effects of Narcissism Awareness Grief? Download the free chapter to find out:

EXPERIENCING NARCISSISM AWARENESS GRIEF

from Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism


TOOLS FOR MOVING FORWARD

Learn about people-pleasing and unhealthy survival skills learned in childhood

Learn to set boundaries

Learn about dysfunctional family roles

Understand Narcissism Awareness Grief

Understand the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle

Take the Adverse Childhood Experiences Quiz

More Resources You May Like:

Visit the TOXIC UNDO for More Healing

Join the Free Email Survival Course:

Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.

Private Facebook group included for members only.

Register Here!
Free 8-week email Survival Course

    I respect your privacy. Unsubscribe at anytime.

    Get the TOOLBOX APP

    for instant information, support, and validation!

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    I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self, Workbook and Journal, by Diane Metcalf

    Experience the power of self-affirmation: using positive statements to improve well-being and performance. Learn research-based steps to write the most effective affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things.

    Get it Here:

    Author’s Site: Free Shipping
    Barnes and Noble
    Amazon
    Browse the Positivity Shop

    Get the TOOLBOX posts twice monthly in your inbox!

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      3D-3-book-series Reclaiming Our Power: Moving Beyond Victimhood After Relational Trauma

      About the Author

      Facetune_06-05-2021-18-24-57-150x150 Reclaiming Our Power: Moving Beyond Victimhood After Relational Trauma

      As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping and healing strategies. She happily shares those with those who want to learn and grow in their own recovery journies. 

      Diane is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer on narcissism, family dysfunction, and abuse. She draws from her personal childhood experiences, as well as her work in human service fields like domestic violence and partner abuse. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.

      Her transformational books about healing and moving forward include the highly praised “Lemon Moms” series. This emotionally supportive collection explains narcissistic traits and teaches how to reconcile past hurts to begin self-nurturing, healing, and moving forward.

      See what’s new on DianeMetcalf.com

      Learn about the Lemon Moms series: Lemon Moms

      This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

      Read more

      Please share!

      Reading time: 6 min
      Anger•C-PTSD•Well-being

      Starting Fresh Requires Looking Back

      Best Happy New Year
      January 2, 2023 by Diane M. Metcalf, MS No Comments

      While there’s nothing magical about January 1st, every new year still brings a sense of hope, motivation, inspiration, and a fresh start.

      NOT GOOD ENOUGH

      Those of us who grew up in an atmosphere of blaming, shaming, humiliating, intimidating, manipulating, mocking, sarcasm, or lying, felt confused, socially awkward, “less than,” and probably not “good enough.” Growing up in a family with unhealthy dynamics meant that we repeatedly and consistently got the message that everyone else’s needs were more important than our own.

      When we carry these thoughts or beliefs into adulthood, we easily become action-takers and “fixers,” people-pleasers who attempt to control outcomes and solve other people’s problems. We take responsibilities that aren’t ours, and we may get a lot of satisfaction from acquiring these “projects”—always helping, forever putting our own needs, wants, and to-do’s last, if at all. We feel unloved and resentful, and we don’t understand why.

      Quick Links:

      • THE IMPORTANCE OF VALIDATION
      • PERSONAL LIMITS
      • INTRODUCING: CODEPENDENCE
      • STARTING FRESH
      • TOOLS FOR MOVING FORWARD

      Growing up in an oppressive environment meant we couldn’t freely express our feelings or ask questions because no one was interested in them, or it didn’t feel safe to do so. As adults, it is hard for us to talk about personal things or have difficult discussions, and we avoid conflict at all costs.

      If we carry the unconscious core belief that we’re somehow fundamentally flawed or undeserving of kindness and love, we may willingly but unintentionally become the dumping ground for others’ emotional garbage. Though we don’t like it, we might unconsciously believe that we don’t deserve anything better than the kind of treatment we endured as kids.

      Growing up in a toxic or neglectful environment can create problems that can last a lifetime.

      “The conflict between the will to deny horrible events and the will to proclaim them aloud is the central dialectic of psychological trauma.”

      —Judith Lewis Herman, Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence—From Domestic Abuse to Political Terror

      THE IMPORTANCE OF VALIDATION

      Validation is the act of recognizing or affirming someone’s feelings or thoughts as being sound or worthwhile. The act of validating is an essential aspect of parenting because it opens the door to safe communication. Feeling heard and understood allows people to trust, which is a cornerstone of every relationship.

      A validating mother listens to what her child is saying. She understands that her child has their own emotions and thoughts, even if she doesn’t necessarily agree with them. Validation is a nonjudgmental and supportive action that requires empathy.

      When a child falls and skins her knee, a validating mother will understand that the crying child is in pain and requires some form of caretaking or soothing to feel better. The remedy could simply be a verbal expression of empathy and understanding, (acknowledging that the child is hurting), or hugging and kissing her, or applying antibiotic ointment and a Band-Aid. The point is that this child knows she’s been heard, understood, cared for, and loved. She feels worthy of her mom’s time and effort and believes she’s valued. This is validation. The mother may not think the injury is as severe as the child may believe, but she doesn’t judge. She accepts how the child feels; she doesn’t minimize or negate her child’s feelings.

      A validating mother would say something like, “Wow! You’re really crying hard! Your knee must hurt a lot. Let’s see if I can make you feel better.”

      In 2016, an observational study was done to see if a relationship existed between a mother’s emotional validation and the degree of awareness her child has about their own emotions. They found that the mother’s degree of emotional validation and invalidation were accurate predictors of the child’s perception of their own emotional state. In other words, a child’s ability to recognize their own emotions comes from being validated by their mother first. (Lambie and Lindberg 2016).

      If our mother doesn’t “see us” and validate us as individuals who have thoughts, feelings, and goals of our own, we may start thinking, feeling, or believing that we don’t matter. If we establish this mindset as children, that we’re not good enough, or that it’s OK to be mistreated or unloved, or ignored, then we don’t learn how to validate ourselves. We don’t know how to comfortably acknowledge our positive characteristics or our personal or professional accomplishments, either.

      Of course, we may receive validation from other people besides our mothers. Caring adults, older siblings, or a father can affirm and support us too. But being approved of and understood by our mother is a unique and vital experience.

      Because validation requires empathy, narcissists will not be able to perform this responsibility.

      As I mentioned before, if we haven’t experienced what it’s like to be treated as unique beings who matter, we may form the belief that others’ needs are more important than our own. This is important to note because a belief is created when our feelings become connected with our thoughts (Lamia 2012).

      Without examining our original childhood beliefs, we may simply bring them along with us into adulthood, even though they’re no longer relevant, are self-limiting, and are untrue.

      When I was four years old, I was alone outside, barefoot, and stubbed my bare big toe; it bled, and my little self knew it was the worst pain I’d ever experienced. I was appalled by the hanging flap of skin and I was understandably frightened.

      On this particular day, in response to my limping into the house wailing and interrupting her TV show, my mother angrily grabbed my forearm and hauled me into the bathroom. She proceeded to run water over my foot, adding a whole new dimension of unexpected stinging pain. The entire time, she furiously and loudly berated and humiliated me for running (I wasn’t running), “not looking where you’re going,” and for not knowing “how to walk without hurting myself.” I’d dared to lack the focus and navigational skill required and had burdened her with my injury.

      There was no kiss, no hug, no feeling of being understood or valued, cared for, or even loved. There was no Band-Aid. Just continuous berating and humiliating, which ended with an admonishment to be more careful next time and not let it happen again. I was sent back outside, still not knowing what I had done wrong and trying to figure it out, feeling ashamed of myself and embarrassed by my inability to negotiate the walkway safely. I rejected others’ empathy or sympathy for my injury and redirected their attention to anything other than myself. I didn’t feel worthy of anyone’s concern or kindness.

      To this day, remembering this event confounds me. Over the years, I’ve explained it in various ways. But the explanation that rings most true is that this must have been a narcissistic injury for my mother. A narcissistic injury is anything that threatens the ‘false self.’ Her rage at me for falling made no sense, and she flipped the scenario to make herself the victim: because of me, she had to get off her chair, miss a portion of her TV show (that was the time before VCRs and DVRs,) and treat my wound. She was angry because I “should have known better” than to cause her this inconvenience.

      When I became a mother, I was incredibly aware that I wanted to raise my children very differently than I was. I knew that I sorely lacked healthy parenting skills and parent role models. I wanted to learn how to parent lovingly and responsibly. I needed to learn proper parenting techniques, and I tried to find healthy mother role models to imitate. I was on the lookout for them everywhere I went.

      I remember sitting on my porch when my neighbor’s young child fell and hurt herself. The child’s mother ran over and scooped her up, sat her on a step, and examined her bleeding knee. I watched them very carefully. I saw the mother gently blow on the knee, (I had never seen this done before, and thought it probably minimized the sting.) I later learned from the mom that she applied antiseptic, administered a chewable painkiller, and applied a cheerful Band-Aid. The little girl was outside playing again in a matter of minutes. That mom was a validating mother. She affirmed her child in a kind and loving manner, and that was the kind of mother I wanted to be.

      Here’s my point: If we don’t learn that we’re unique people who matter simply because we exist, and if we don’t know how to identify our emotions because we’ve never learned how we’re at risk of developing unhealthy coping mechanisms. We may have a hard time accepting when someone likes or tries to befriend us, and we question why they would want to. If someone does something kind for us, we may assume it’s a form of manipulation, or we may be confused by it. When our emotional, psychological, or physical needs go unmet, we often find other ways (possibly harmful or maladaptive) to get by.

      PERSONAL LIMITS

      When we grow up in an oppressive or toxic environment, we don’t know that there are ways to protect ourselves from mistreatment. We may grow into adults who unconsciously broadcast the message that we exist to be of service to others and that it doesn’t matter how they treat us. As adults, we may accept disrespect, unfair or unkind treatment, and even physical, verbal, and emotional abuse.

      If we haven’t seen healthy boundaries modeled, then we don’t know what a healthy boundary looks like or how to create one, so we become hypervigilant instead. This means that a brain structure called the amygdala stores threatening behavior patterns in our memory, causing our focus becomes external. So we focus on others’ behavior and moods, continually alert and ready for anything. This is the fight-flight-freeze response which contributes heavily to C-PTSD, an anxiety disorder caused by trauma.

      This preoccupation with focusing on others also contributes to becoming codependent.

      INTRODUCING: CODEPENDENCE

      When we have low self-worth, it’s natural to feel that we’re not good enough to ask for what we want or need. Instead, we learn to use subtle forms of manipulation to get our needs met. This is a learned survival skill. It developed out of necessity. In order for us to feel emotionally or physically safe, it feels necessary to control as much of our environment as we can in an attempt to avoid nasty surprises. Feeling like we’re in control makes us feel safe. We begin managing aspects of others’ lives, and may even believe that we’re emotionally stronger, more capable, and better at it than they are. When we spend more time taking care of or focusing on others, or when we try to control the outcomes of others’ choices or behavior, we become codependent.

      Codependency develops as a self-protective response. It’s a way of coping with a stressful or unhealthy, traumatic, or abusive environment and can be learned by watching and imitating other codependents too. It’s a learned behavior that can be passed down through generations.

      Codependents willingly play by others’ “rules,” losing their own identity. It affects a person’s ability to have healthy, mutually satisfying adult relationships.

      If we’re codependent, we most likely believe that we know what’s best for other people and their lives, and we think we know how to fix their problems. We want them to follow our unsolicited advice and are often hurt or angered when they don’t.

      To a codependent, helping and fixing other people or their problems feels good. They feel needed and are highly attracted to people who could use their help. Codependents enjoy offering suggestions and advice even though they haven’t been asked for them. If we’re codependent, we feel responsible for people and issues that aren’t our responsibility, and if we don’t attempt to help, fix, or control, we often feel guilty or ashamed. It feels wrong not to jump in, take charge, or aid others who seem to be struggling, even though they haven’t reached out for assistance. We seem to have no choice but to take responsibilities that aren’t ours. We just feel that somehow, it’s our job to take action, take over, and fix.

      If we’re codependent, we most likely don’t have boundaries. We disclose almost everything we think and do and assume we won’t be believed. We overexplain our choices because if we’ve not enjoyed our mother’s validation (or if we’ve been continually invalidated), we still crave to be heard, understood, and affirmed. We’ll continuously seek affirmation outside of ourselves to feel “good enough” or that we matter. This is called “external validation,” and codependents seek external validation and affirmation any way they can get it. It’s often described as being needy, “clingy,” or insecure.

      Codependents continually look for someone to please. We feel the need to make excuses for others’ mistreatment of us or their poor behavior in general. We explain to ourselves why they’re abusing us and why it’s OK for them to do so. We often take the blame. We minimize and deny the pain they cause us. Codependents are known for their discomfort with saying “no.”

      Healthy coping mechanisms, on the other hand, help us to make sense of confusing or threatening life experiences and to respond appropriately in wholesome ways. You’ve heard the saying “when life gives you lemons, make lemonade”? Well, that’s a coping skill: taking something negative and turning it into a positive. In reality, nothing has changed. Life has still given us lemons, but instead of getting angry, depressed, or feeling slighted or misunderstood, we choose to look at it another way. When we use healthy coping, we’re able to reframe negative events in a way that feels better.

      STARTING FRESH

      Looking at our past can be difficult for many reasons. First of all, it hurts. Secondly, we may think it’s pointless because it happened so long ago. But if you’re affected by or struggling with self-esteem, self-confidence, lack of boundaries, anger, or another issue, it could be worthwhile to revisit the past with a therapist, trauma counselor, or other mental health professional. See where and when these issues started and make a treatment plan to resolve them. The second step is doing that work to heal and move forward. The key is getting started.

      TOOLS FOR MOVING FORWARD

      Learn about Dysfunctional Family Roles: Golden, Invisible, and Scapegoat

      Learn about codependency and unhealthy survival skills learned in childhood

      Take the Adverse Childhood Experiences quiz

      Understand Narcissism Awareness Grief

      Let go of what you can’t control by using positive-detachment

      Learn to recognize the Cycle of Abuse

      Set some boundaries 

      More Resources You May Like:

      Visit the TOXIC UNDO for More Healing

      Join the Free Email Survival Course:

      Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.

      Private Facebook group included for members only.

      Register Here!
      Free 8-week email Survival Course

        I respect your privacy. Unsubscribe at anytime.

        Get the TOOLBOX APP

        for instant information, support, and validation!

        Toolbox-App-on-Website-2 Starting Fresh Requires Looking Back
        GOOGLEPLAY-EMBLEM Starting Fresh Requires Looking Back
        app-store-logo Starting Fresh Requires Looking Back

        2-1024x1024 Starting Fresh Requires Looking Back

        I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self, Workbook and Journal, by Diane Metcalf

        Experience the power of self-affirmation: using positive statements to improve well-being and performance. Learn research-based steps to write the most effective affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things.

        Get it Here:

        Author’s Site: Free Shipping
        Barnes and Noble
        Amazon
        Browse the Positivity Shop

        Get the TOOLBOX posts twice monthly in your inbox!

        Sign-up for twice monthly coping and healing strategies right to your inbox!
        ​
        ​
        Your Free Gift:
        An Inner Child Guided Healing Meditation MP3

          We respect your privacy. Unsubscribe at anytime.

          3D-3-book-series Starting Fresh Requires Looking Back

          About the Author

          Facetune_06-05-2021-18-24-57-150x150 Starting Fresh Requires Looking Back

          As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping and healing strategies. She happily shares those with those who want to learn and grow in their own recovery journies. 

          Diane is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer on narcissism, family dysfunction, and abuse. She draws from her personal childhood experiences, as well as her work in human service fields like domestic violence and partner abuse. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.

          Her transformational books about healing and moving forward include the highly praised “Lemon Moms” series. This emotionally supportive collection explains narcissistic traits and teaches how to reconcile past hurts to begin self-nurturing, healing, and moving forward.

          See what’s new on DianeMetcalf.com

          Learn about the Lemon Moms series: Lemon Moms

          This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

          Read more

          Please share!

          Reading time: 12 min
          Narcissism•Self Care•Well-being

          Welcome

          flower looking at sky
          March 1, 2022 by Diane M. Metcalf, MS No Comments

          Welcome to The Toolbox! This is a safe space.

          The TOOLBOX is a place to nurture and redefine yourself after being involved (or while currently involved ) in a non-nurturing or unsupportive relationship.

          This site is about recognizing how someone’s neglect, emotional absence, mental illness, or distorted thinking affects you and applying new insights to improve your life.

          This is a safe space to learn skills and strategies to change yourself, and your relationships, challenge your thinking, and take back your personal power. It’s a place to begin healing and moving forward from the effects of emotionally absent people, unsupportive relationships, narcissists, and self-focused mothers aka “Lemon Moms.”

          What’s a Lemon Mom? A Lemon Mom may be on the narcissism spectrum or may have full-blown, diagnosable Narcissistic Personality Disorder. She lacks the capacity to bond with her children, and they grow up feeling “not good enough,” confused, unloved, misunderstood, unimportant, or invisible, that they “don’t matter” or have no influence. As adults they continue disliking, ignoring, or neglecting themselves, taking unnecessary risks, and being attracted to people who aren’t good for them. They minimize themselves so that others can feel good, and they stay in hurtful relationships, and put themselves last, if at all.

          On this site, diagnoses are irrelevant! If someone’s personality traits negatively impact your life or cause you pain, that’s what’s important to realize and change.

          You don’t need a professional diagnosis to determine a relationship is unhealthy, or make positive changes for yourself.

          I wrote the book “Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism” (and the rest of the Lemon Moms series) to safely walk others through the chaos and confusion of narcissistic behavior; what it is, what it does, and how to recover from its devastating effects. I include personal examples and action-oriented steps that you can start taking today. I teach how to decode crazy-making behavior, and use healthy skills and strategies to begin healing so you can move forward into your best life.

          The information provided here is based on my education, professional and personal experiences with domestic violence and abuse, my personal healing journey, and lots of current research.

          I hope you enjoy reading and learning what’s here. I especially hope that you celebrate your progress and keep moving forward in your own healing journey.

          I urge you to do the work.

          Diane Metcalf

          Read more

          In a non-nurturing relationship?

          Free Email Survival Course

          Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.

          Private Facebook group included for members only.

          Register Here!
          Free 8-week email Survival Course

            I respect your privacy. Unsubscribe at anytime.

            Please share!

            Reading time: 2 min
            Boundaries•Self Care•Well-being

            Why Self-care is Essential for Wellbeing

            purple night sky and stars
            March 18, 2020 by Diane M. Metcalf, MS No Comments

            Here’s the thing: staying glued to news programs can overwhelm you, release stress hormones, and cause insomnia, worry, and unnecessary anxiety.

            Quick Links

            • Control what you put in your brain
            • What you can do
            • Six things that keep your immunity high
            • Make time for yourself
            • More tools

            Control what you put in your brain

            I’m not saying don’t watch the news, but know when to turn it off or temporarily disengage. Events are unfolding at such a rapid pace that it’s hard to keep up. Immersing yourself in the negativity without taking breaks for helpful and healing activities will affect your thoughts and your body negatively.

            I experienced this myself. Quite unexpectedly, I felt like I just couldn’t handle another piece of information. We can get overwhelmed with information coming through the radio, TV, friends, family, neighbors, or social media. We may not know what to think or what to do. We may become hyper-vigilant, trying to keep up, putting our flight or fight survival mode into overdrive. This means dealing with an excess of hormones like cortisol (which can cause, among other things, slower healing, weakness, fatigue, irritability, difficulty concentrating, high blood pressure, and headaches) and adrenaline (which, among other things, increases heart rate and blood pressure). It also means that our hippocampus and amygdala won’t be able to store short-term memories properly, and you may find yourself feeling scatterbrained. Stress and anxiety negatively affect memory.

            What you can do

            Take frequent breaks from the input. Taking breaks can also feel overwhelming and traumatizing at first. It’s important to know that if you find yourself getting overwhelmed, feeling stressed, or anxious, you should turn off the media and do something healing for yourself. Take a bath or a shower, clean a room, rearrange your pantry, clean out a drawer, take inventory of your supplies, journal, reach out to a friend; anything that will make you feel better and serve as a distraction from the situation. Think of all the things you can do to make yourself feel better, and use that list over the next several weeks.

            Think back to a time when you felt overwhelmed, and life was uncertain, and you got through it. Remind yourself that you coped then, and you will this time, too. Focus less on the changes and uncertainty and instead focus on centering, grounding, and calming yourself. Go back to watching the news when you feel you can handle it. Watch in short doses, taking short breaks in between.

            I-know-and-trust-wallpaper-e1657745814794-185x300 Why Self-care is Essential for Wellbeing

            If you’re stuck at home, use this new gift of time to do the things you’ve been putting off. Get started writing that book, read to your kids, organize your digital photos, and organize a closet. You get the idea. Think of the things you’ve been wanting to do and wish you had the time to do, then start doing them. It’s amazing what getting into the “flow“ does to make you feel accomplished.

            Connect with people using social media. See if you have “Nextdoor.com” for your neighborhood and connect electronically with your neighbors. You can share information about stores and product availability, other resources, and important information.

            Check-in on elderly loved ones and elderly neighbors. Help whoever you can.

            Read uplifting material, whether it’s a spiritual text, poetry, or old love letters. Watch comedies. Read that book you’ve been wanting to read!

            Journal! Not only will writing get worries off your mind, but it could be a keepsake for your children, later on, a historical record of what’s happening and your thoughts and feelings about it.

            Do something physically challenging for stress relief. Jog in place, or pull out one of those old exercise videos and have at it. Make a game of it with your kids. Movement feels good and releases endorphins and other calming hormones. So does guided meditation, yoga, and stretching. Do the things that help you feel grounded, like praying or gratitude exercises.

            Control what you’re eating. Sugars and carbs cause inflammation, and inflammation lowers immunity.

            Six things that keep your immunity high

            1. Eat healthy foods in moderation and take a daily multivitamin.
            2. Exercise for 30 minutes daily.
            3. Get enough sleep.
            4. Wash your hands.
            5. Minimize or stop alcohol consumption.
            6. Quit smoking. Now is a great time!

            Make time for yourself

            As we become accustomed to these new events and our new temporary lifestyle, let’s put ourselves on our own to-do lists. Make yourself a priority too. Remember, airlines always tell us to put on our own oxygen masks before assisting others. There’s a reason for that: you’re not going to be of any use to anyone if you don’t take care of yourself first.

            Stay well and stay healthy, my friends.

            More tools

            Conscious awareness:  Be aware and make conscious choices before acting. Self-awareness releases us from making impulsive and potentially damaging decisions. Learn about setting boundaries 

            Self-care: We can only choose to focus on and be responsible for ourselves, our own thoughts, actions, and behavior. The good news is that we can change ourselves with patience, persistence, and practice. We can take responsibility for getting our needs met, instead of waiting for someone to change or meet our needs for us. We are in control of ourselves and no one is responsible for us but us.

            Practice mindfulness

            Learn about codependency and maladaptive coping skills

            Learn about C-PTSD

            Recognize the Cycle of Abuse

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                As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping and healing strategies. She happily shares those with those who want to learn and grow in their own recovery journies. 

                Diane is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer on narcissism, family dysfunction, and abuse. She draws from her personal childhood experiences, as well as her work in human service fields like domestic violence and partner abuse. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.

                Her transformational books about healing and moving forward include the highly praised “Lemon Moms” series. This emotionally supportive collection explains narcissistic traits and teaches how to reconcile past hurts to begin self-nurturing, healing, and moving forward.

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