The Toolbox
  • Author’s Site
  • Book Sets
  • FREE
  • Self-talk
Author's Site
Book Sets
FREE
Self-talk
The Toolbox
  • Author’s Site
  • Book Sets
  • FREE
  • Self-talk
Browsing Category
Archive
C-PTSD•Codependency•Trauma

Trauma Bonds

bonds
February 15, 2021 by Diane M. Metcalf, MS No Comments

If you suffer from narcissistic abuse syndrome, you are dealing with trauma bonds, as well.

Any behavior that keeps you on high alert, or focused on someone’s behavior, is capable of forming trauma bonds.

Quick Links

  • What is a Trauma Bond?
  • How are Trauma Bonds Created?
  • Symptoms of Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome
  • Tools for Healing

What is a Trauma Bond?

Trauma bonds occur over time through the use of “intermittent reinforcement,” which is a type of behavioral “conditioning” where a reward (or a punishment) is given irregularly instead of every time the desired behavior is observed. In other words, periods of abuse are interspersed with periods of kindness (or the absence of cruelty). This cycle of “always guessing” keeps the target on high alert in survival mode. They never know when the abuser will be cruel or kind. It’s like a game of chance, like playing slot machines or Bingo. Sometimes you win, and sometimes you lose, but it’s the possibility of winning that keeps you going back for more.

How are Trauma Bonds Created?

Trauma bonds are created in several ways:

Love bombing: The love bombing dynamic occurs when a narcissist, including narcissistic mothers, unexpectedly showers you with love, attention, kindness, or affection. Love bombing comes in various forms—gift-giving, forgiveness for past “offenses,” anything that makes you feel validated or special. Love bombing helps form a trauma bond because it’s a form of intermittent reinforcement: you never know when it will happen.

Verbal abuse: Shouting, name-calling, sarcastic comments, character assassination, backhanded compliments, insults, demeaning remarks, “put-downs,” and shaming are some examples of verbal abuse. The abuse happens on an irregular schedule, so it’s a form of intermittent reinforcement (spoken cruelty interspersed with periods of civility and kindness.) The resulting shame causes a trauma bond.

Positive reinforcement: Although it sounds healthy, positive reinforcement can also create trauma bonds. When a person (including children) is rewarded for doing something they didn’t want to do or obeying without question, there’s a trauma bond created. Healthy relationships don’t require rewards.

Victim blaming: When a narcissist blames their target (or the narcissist mother blames her child) for the cruelty inflicted upon them, they will likely believe they deserve it because they’ve been conditioned to. This belief establishes a trauma bond.

Silent treatment: When a narcissist purposefully ignores you, that causes feelings of helplessness, anxiety, and fear of abandonment. Having no control over the situation, you’ll focus on the narcissist and wait for their acceptance, however long it takes.

“Moving goalposts” (aka changing the goal): Narcissists often redefine or change their expectations, sometimes several times, during any interaction. Doing this ensures a frustrating encounter for those involved. A narcissist (including narcissist mothers) is never satisfied, and keeping you emotionally invested in their happiness creates trauma bonds.

If you struggle with narcissistic abuse syndrome you’ll often doubt your self-worth and sanity. Targets of narcissistic abuse tend to focus on their faults, failures, and inadequacies, whether they’re real or not. Sometimes these “deficiencies” began as an idea expressed by the vocal narcissist.

There are several symptoms of narcissistic abuse syndrome. Many of these are the same as those of complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD,) which affects people who’ve experienced serious traumas.

pexels-karolina-grabowska-4379912 Trauma Bonds

Symptoms of Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome

  • Accepting an imbalanced sense of responsibility
  • Intrusive, or unwanted thoughts
  • Unhealed triggers (physical and emotional responses to similar past traumatic situations)
  • Flashbacks or nightmares where the target emotionally re-lives a traumatic experience
  • Avoiding people, places, or conditions linked to the narcissist or the traumatic event
  • Feeling isolated, abandoned, or detached.
  • Feeling alert or hyper-vigilant, or easily startled (“fight or flight”)
  • Negative thoughts about self and the world
  • Insecurity
  • Shame
  • Accepting misplaced blame
  • Difficulty concentrating or sleeping
  • Depression
  • Self-destructive behaviors
  • Involvement in abusive romantic relationships
  • Lost trust in family or friends
  • Feeling worthless or unworthy
  • Lost sense of self
  • Holding the narcissist in high esteem
  • Doubting their judgment and decision-making skills
  • Ignoring their own needs
  • Devaluing or minimizing their contributions to relationships
  • Making excuses for a narcissist’s behavior
  • Continually trying to please the narcissist
  • Attachment issues
  • Weak boundaries
  • Addictions
  • Anxiety
  • Perfectionism

If you constantly wonder about your narcissist’s emotional state, for example, what will he/she be like today? Should you try to avoid them? Or do you frequently-

  • think about what you could be (or should be) doing differently to please them?
  • believe your relationship problems are all your fault?
  • deal with mood swings, lost sleep, anxiety, apprehension?

These are all symptoms of Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome, and if you have any of them you may also have trauma bonds. The good news is that you can detach from the abuse and heal. Keep learning and doing the work.


Could you be feeling the effects of Narcissism Awareness Grief? Download the free chapter to find out:

EXPERIENCING NARCISSISM AWARENESS GRIEF

from Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism


Tools for Healing

Learn about setting boundaries 

Learn about codependency and maladaptive coping skills

Understand the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle

Learn how to stop being a source of narcissistic supply

Learn about dysfunctional family roles

Try Expressive Writing

More Resources You May Like:

Join the Free Email Survival Course:

Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.

Private Facebook group included for members only.

Register Here!
Free 8-week email Survival Course

    I respect your privacy. Unsubscribe at anytime.

    Get the TOOLBOX APP

    for instant information, support, and validation!

    Toolbox-App-on-Website-2 Trauma Bonds
    GOOGLEPLAY-EMBLEM Trauma Bonds
    app-store-logo Trauma Bonds

    2-1024x1024 Trauma Bonds

    I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self, Workbook and Journal, by Diane Metcalf

    A step-by-step method to learn how to write the highest vibrating, most powerful affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things.

    Quick US links:

    Author’s Site: Free Shipping
    Barnes and Noble
    Amazon
    Positivity Shop

    Get the TOOLBOX posts twice monthly in your inbox!

    Sign-up for twice monthly coping and healing strategies right to your inbox!
    ​
    ​
    Your Free Gift:
    An Inner Child Guided Healing Meditation MP3

      We respect your privacy. Unsubscribe at anytime.

      3D-3-book-series Trauma Bonds
      Visit the Author’s Site

      About the Author

      Facetune_06-05-2021-18-24-57-239x300 Trauma Bonds

      As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping and healing strategies. She happily shares those with those who want to learn and grow in their own recovery journies. 

      Diane is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer on narcissism, family dysfunction, and abuse. She draws from her personal childhood experiences, as well as her work in human service fields like domestic violence and partner abuse. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.

      Her transformational books about healing and moving forward include the highly praised “Lemon Moms” series. This emotionally supportive collection explains narcissistic traits and teaches how to reconcile past hurts to begin self-nurturing, healing, and moving forward.

      See what’s new on DianeMetcalf.com

      Learn about the Lemon Moms series: Lemon Moms

      This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

      Read more

      Please share!

      Reading time: 4 min

      Do You Have Narcissistic Victim Syndrome?

      FIND OUT HERE!

      Recent Posts

      • Starting Fresh Requires Looking Back
      • Why You Should Change Your Self-talk
      • The Act of Shaming
      • When a Caregiver is a Narcissist
      • Narcissistic Lying

      Older Posts

      • January 2023
      • December 2022
      • November 2022
      • October 2022
      • September 2022
      • August 2022
      • July 2022
      • June 2022
      • May 2022
      • April 2022
      • March 2022
      • February 2022
      • January 2022
      • December 2021
      • November 2021
      • October 2021
      • September 2021
      • August 2021
      • July 2021
      • June 2021
      • May 2021
      • April 2021
      • March 2021
      • February 2021
      • January 2021
      • December 2020
      • November 2020
      • October 2020
      • September 2020
      • August 2020
      • July 2020
      • June 2020
      • May 2020
      • April 2020
      • March 2020
      • February 2020
      • January 2020
      • December 2019
      • November 2019
      • October 2019
      • September 2019
      • August 2019
      • July 2019
      • June 2019
      • May 2019
      • April 2019
      • March 2019
      • February 2019
      • January 2019

      Categories

      • Anger
      • Books
      • Boundaries
      • C-PTSD
      • Codependency
      • Cognitive Dissonance
      • Detaching
      • Gaslighting
      • Healing Affirmations
      • Isolation
      • Narcissism
      • Resources
      • Scapegoating
      • Self Care
      • Self-talk
      • Shame
      • Trauma
      • Well-being

      © 2023 DianeMetcalf.com | All Rights Reserved 
       

       

      We use cookies to improve your experience. We'll assume you're ok with this, but you can opt-out if you wish. Cookie settingsI'd love some cookies!
      Privacy & Cookies Policy

      Privacy Overview

      This website uses cookies to improve your experience while you navigate through the website. Out of these cookies, the cookies that are categorized as necessary are stored on your browser as they are as essential for the working of basic functionalities of the website. We also use third-party cookies that help us analyze and understand how you use this website. These cookies will be stored in your browser only with your consent. You also have the option to opt-out of these cookies. But opting out of some of these cookies may have an effect on your browsing experience.
      Necessary
      Always Enabled
      Necessary cookies are absolutely essential for the website to function properly. This category only includes cookies that ensures basic functionalities and security features of the website. These cookies do not store any personal information.
      SAVE & ACCEPT