I’ve said this before, and it’s worth repeating: If you think your mother’s a narcissist, you don’t need a “diagnosis” or a label for you to determine that your relationship with her is unhealthy. If there’s a pattern of ongoing power struggles, manipulation, gaslighting, or cruelty, and it causes you to doubt your memory, judgment, or sanity, your relationship is most likely toxic. The best course of action is to accept that you cannot change or control her behavior. You can only control your own, and when you understand this, the ball is truly in your court. The next moves are up to you.

During this particular course of therapy, I was encouraged to read the research done in the late 1970s by Dr. Claudia Black, Ph.D. Her line of inquiry concerned how children are affected by a parent’s substance abuse. It was she who started the “adult child” movement and who identified the rules that dysfunctional families live by: “Don’t Talk, Don’t Trust, Don’t Feel.” I learned that, indeed, I had many of the same issues as ACoA, even though my mother was not an alcoholic. I discovered that, much like my own childhood environment, ACoAs grew up in an unpredictable, often chaotic atmosphere. Inconsistency, irregularity, lack of supervision, no personal boundaries, and little to no parental involvement are the norm in an alcoholic home, just as they had been in my own. It seemed that the ACoAs and I were all preoccupied with our mother’s dysfunctional and irrational behavior. We felt like we were always in fight or flight survival mode. We frequently took our parent’s “emotional temperature” and adjusted our own moods and conduct accordingly.

Because they were so busy emotionally and sometimes physically taking care of their mothers, ACoAs’ emotional needs went unmet, just as mine had. As adults, we had difficulty identifying our feelings and caring for ourselves. It was an astounding discovery for me to learn that other kids grew up in households like my own and that we shared some of the same challenges as adults, seemingly related to our upbringings.

What happens when you begin to experience Narcissistic Awareness Grief?

At some point during those years, when I was actively pursuing healing and personal growth, the idea was broached by a therapist that my mother likely had an undiagnosed and untreated mental illness, probably a personality disorder. Hearing this news was exciting and validating because I had suspected as much for a very long time. Although I was employed as a mental health professional myself, diagnosing my mother without her knowledge or consent, though fun to think about, would have been unprofessional, to say the least.

As I came to grasp the reality of the impact that my mother’s illness had on me, I felt a gamut of emotions—denial, sadness, rage, and everything in between and back.

You see, when we discover that the traumatic lifestyle we’ve endured as children has an actual name, it’s a huge relief at first. There’s an initial rush of validation, and we suddenly realize that we’re not alone, that we’re not crazy, and that we haven’t imagined it. Narcissistic abuse is a real thing, and now we realize that we can deal with and recover from it.

For those of you who are beginning to (or have recently,) become aware that your mother’s worldview is the major problem, not any shortcoming within yourself, you’re likely feeing a colossal torrent of conflicting emotions, and you may not understand why. As you begin to accept this new way of perceiving and understanding your mother, you may have the dawning sense of awareness that your mother’s perspective is dysfunctional and that there is nothing—and there never was—anything inherently wrong with you, as you may have been conditioned to believe. You’re most likely starting to experience Narcissism Awareness Grief (NAG).

Narcissism Awareness Grief (NAG) begins when we become aware of our mother’s narcissism and begin to realize the ways it impacted us.

The Six Stages

Much like the famous Kubler-Ross “five stages of grief,” there are several stages of Narcissism Awareness Grief. They’re not linear, so they’re not experienced in any particular order. In fact, we can go back and forth between the stages throughout the process of grieving. But every step must be experienced before we can get to the final stage, which is “acceptance.” It’s possible to become stuck in any phase for any length of time and to never actually enter into acceptance.

The difference between the two grief models is that narcissism awareness grief has an additional and essential phase called “Rewriting.” This is where healing begins in earnest.

1. Denial: After reading, thinking, processing, and talking about maternal narcissism, you may begin to entertain the idea that your mother might actually be on the narcissism spectrum. This idea may be something you’ve never conceptualized before. Thinking it may make you uncomfortable. Even if you’re certain that she is afflicted, you might continue to minimize the impact it’s had on you until you reach the point where you can’t any longer. At that juncture, you’ll begin to become aware of the scope of her illness and how it impacts the people in her life.
2. Anger. The anger that follows can be intense. You may be angry with yourself for not seeing the narcissism before; you may be fuming with previous therapists who did not see it. You may be irate with family members who encouraged you to listen to or believe your mom and furious with anyone who believed in your mother’s false face. I believe that what we are feeling in this stage is righteous indignation, which is a natural response to mistreatment or abuse. If we witness injustices like someone being mistreated, bullied, or abused in any way, we automatically feel righteous anger. This kind of anger is hugely motivating for change.
3. Bargaining. This is a way of regrouping, a kind of reboot. You may question your reality and wish your childhood had been different. I remember wondering, Why did I have to get her as my mother? What would my childhood have been like if I’d had a mother who was able to truly love and care for me more than her own image? You may have these kinds of thoughts too, or you might even shame yourself with ideas like, Why didn’t I see this sooner? I’m so stupid. I’ve wasted so much of my life listening to and believing her. Many of your questions will have no real answer. I cried a lot at first, in fact, any time I thought about it. You may cry too or feel a profound sense of loss and sadness. Like me, you may feel robbed of your childhood and anger at the injustice of that happening to you. It’s essential to see that, in this stage, you may actually be doing what your mother would do to you: insult you, berate you, and question the validity of your thoughts and feelings. But you actually need to go through this dark period so you will be able to enter the rewriting phase of grieving.
4. Depression: When I understood that I could not “help” my mother to change, or get her to see me differently, or change her worldview, I became very, very sad. When it began to dawn on me that she would never change—that she was incapable of change—my sadness turned into depression. I had formed a rudimentary understanding that I would have to live with this new information from now on and that I would have to change the way I interacted and related to her for my own protection. I saw that I had missed multiple unrecoverable opportunities in my life because I had internalized her limited and incorrect beliefs about me. I saw how my relationships, in fact, every aspect of my life, had been negatively impacted by her faulty ideas and opinions of me. I was working on accepting the fact that there was nothing I could do to make my mother interested in me as a person or to receive me in my imperfection. I had to accept that she would continue to belittle, shame, blame, and intimidate me and that she would never feel a bit of remorse, let alone apologize to me. She was going to remain manipulative, critical, blaming, and attention-seeking. It was a heavy feeling to recognize that I had a lot of work ahead of me, to reconcile the past and to heal while my mother felt no accountability or responsibility for what she had done.
5. Rewriting/revising: This stage is exclusive to NAG, and it’s where we can really do a lot of healing. It’s about taking this new understanding of maternal narcissism and applying it to our past. When we begin to accept our mother’s narcissism, we begin to understand how seeing ourselves the way our mother saw us has negatively impacted our lives. So now we begin to see things differently. We form new ideas about ourselves from this new information about our mother’s illness. We can think new thoughts like, My mother was not capable of feeling maternal love because of her illness. It had nothing to do with me. I am and always have been lovable. My mother wasn’t capable of feeling empathy. It wasn’t that I didn’t matter. I always mattered, but she couldn’t see it or acknowledge it, and I have flaws, and that’s absolutely OK. Everybody does. There is no such thing as perfection, but my mother continues to chase this false ideal. Too bad for her. When we update our historical view of ourselves by using this new information about narcissism, we can transform ourselves. We can begin to see ourselves in a whole, fresh, healthy light. For many of us, this is the beginning of discovering that we are likable and that we like ourselves and that we matter. We start prioritizing self-care and begin setting healthy personal boundaries, quite possibly moving into the happiest time of our lives.
6. Acceptance: Once we work our way through the stages mentioned above, this final piece comes pretty effortlessly. We finally accept our mother’s narcissism as the permanent disability it is. We see her narcissism as a revelation of sorts, and there’s an exciting feeling of freedom when we understand that we don’t have any responsibility or the ability to change her. We are finally able to let go of the workings of our dysfunctional childhood and welcome the knowledge that narcissists don’t change, which makes them very predictable. Now we can anticipate her behavior and using this knowledge can make engaging with her feel safer, or at least more tolerable. As our expectations change, we may experience the serenity we never thought possible. Now we can determine what kind and how much exposure we will subject ourselves to, and we can plan accordingly. Some of us may decide to have no contact at all, and some may choose to have limited contact with strict enforceable boundaries. For example, when my mother starts to belittle or humiliate me, I will end the conversation, leave the room, etc. In other words, we can now determine which of her behaviors we are willing to put up with, and for how long. Isn’t that amazing?

Tools:

Conscious awareness:  Be aware and make conscious choices before acting. Self-awareness releases us from making impulsive and potentially damaging decisions.

Self-care: We can only choose to focus on and be responsible for ourselves, our own thoughts, actions, and behavior. The good news is that we can change ourselves with patience, persistence, and practice. We can take responsibility for getting our needs met, instead of waiting for someone to change or meet our needs for us. We are in control of ourselves and no one is responsible for us but us.

Set boundaries 

Understand the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle

Learn about codependency

Learn about letting go of what you can’t control, by using loving-detachment

Learn about expectations

Lemon Moms: Resources to guide you in healing from childhood trauma, abuse or neglect. Available on Amazon and wherever books are sold. (Kindle, Audiobook and paperback format.)

About the author

Diane Metcalf earned her Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology in 1982 and a Master of Science in Information Technology in 2013.

She has held Social Worker, Counselor and Managerial Positions in the fields of Domestic Violence and Abuse, Geriatric Healthcare, Developmental Disabilities, and Reproductive Health. She is an experienced Advocate and Speaker on the topics of Domestic Violence and Abuse and has been a guest on Lockport Community Television (LCTV), sharing her knowledge and experience regarding Domestic Abuse with the local community. In addition, she experienced Maternal Narcissistic Abuse and has been involved in other toxic relationships. She purposefully learned (and continues to learn) appropriate coping skills and strategies to live happily. She shares those insights here.

Her books and articles are the results of her education, knowledge, and personal insight regarding her own abusive experiences and subsequent recovery work. She is no longer a practicing Social Worker, Counselor, Program Manager or Advocate, nor is she or has she ever been a licensed psychologist.

Currently, Diane runs her own website design company, Image and Aspect, and writes articles and tutorials for Tips and Snips, her inspirational blog for creative people. She continues to learn and write about Emotional Healing.

This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

When children experience trauma and educators can understand its impact, trauma-informed interventions can be developed, which reduces the resulting negative consequences. Communities have also become involved in decreasing ACEs, preventing abuse and mistreatment, and creating more positive outcomes for children and their families (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 2016).

Why are Adverse Childhood Experiences important?

Adverse Childhood Experiences are the environmental influences that challenge a child’s sense of safety, stability, and attachment. They include but are not limited to physical and verbal abuse, neglect, addiction, alcoholism, mental illness, and violence.

The data collection questionnaire used for gathering the ACE data is known as the “Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) quiz,” and the score is the total count of specific indicators of a turbulent childhood. The harsher the childhood, the higher the score, and the higher the risk for health and other problems later in life such as risk-taking behaviors, chronic health conditions, mental illness, substance abuse, decreased or limited life-potential, and early death (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 2019).

The ACE quiz measures 10 types of childhood trauma, five of which are personal: physical, verbal, and sexual abuse, and physical or emotional neglect. The remaining five are related to family members, for example, an alcoholic parent, family member affected by domestic violence, incarcerated family member,  mentally ill family member, or living in a  single-parent household due to divorce, death, or abandonment. There are many kinds of childhood trauma, but only 10  are included in the ACE quiz because they were the most frequently mentioned by the members of the research group.

Each kind of traumatic experience scores one point. For example, a person who’s been verbally abused and has one mentally ill parent, and lives in a single-parent home has an ACE score of three.

If other types of abuse or neglect were experienced, including extended periods of toxic stress, those would also increase the likelihood of compromised health in adulthood.

The ACE score is only a guideline. Positive childhood experiences can protect against many of the adverse outcomes, even after the trauma has occurred. (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention 2016). Some people who have high ACE scores, including myself, can recover and do well as adults. Resilience, a subject of ongoing research, is thought to be a key component to recovery.

Where can I take the ACE quiz?

If you’re interested in taking the Adverse Childhood Experiences quiz, you’ll find it here.

Trauma bonds can keep us stuck in codependency. The first step to breaking a trauma bond is becoming aware that one exists. Gaslighting, cognitive dissonance, and trauma bonding all contribute to developing a disorder called Complex Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome.

Tools:

Conscious awareness:  Be aware and make conscious choices before acting. Self-awareness releases us from making impulsive and potentially damaging decisions.

Self-care: We can only choose to focus on and be responsible for ourselves, our own thoughts, actions, and behavior. The good news is that we can change ourselves with patience, persistence, and practice. We can take responsibility for getting our needs met, instead of waiting for someone to change or meet our needs for us. We are in control of ourselves and no one is responsible for us but us.

Set boundaries 

Understand the abuse cycle

Learn about codependency

Learn about letting go of what you can’t control, by using loving-detachment

Learn about expectations

Lemon Moms: Resources to guide you in healing from childhood trauma, abuse or neglect. Available on Amazon and wherever books are sold. (Kindle, Audiobook and paperback format.)

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About the author

Diane Metcalf earned her Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology in 1982 and a Master of Science in Information Technology in 2013.

She has held Social Worker, Counselor and Managerial Positions in the fields of Domestic Violence and Abuse, Geriatric Healthcare, Developmental Disabilities, and Reproductive Health. She is an experienced Advocate and Speaker on the topics of Domestic Violence and Abuse and has been a guest on Lockport Community Television (LCTV), sharing her knowledge and experience regarding Domestic Abuse with the local community. In addition, she experienced Maternal Narcissistic Abuse and has been involved in other toxic relationships. She purposefully learned (and continues to learn) appropriate coping skills and strategies to live happily. She shares those insights here.

Her books and articles are the results of her education, knowledge, and personal insight regarding her own abusive experiences and subsequent recovery work. She is no longer a practicing Social Worker, Counselor, Program Manager or Advocate, nor is she or has she ever been a licensed psychologist.

Currently, Diane runs her own website design company, Image and Aspect, and writes articles and tutorials for Tips and Snips, her inspirational blog for creative people. She continues to learn and write about Emotional Healing.

This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

The effects of self-neglect

If we ignore our need to eat, deal with anger, be with people or sleep, we create an unhealthy emotional environment for ourselves where it’s impossible to thrive. When we’re in that unhealthy emotional environment, we may think negatively, have a sour outlook, fail to see obvious choices, make poor decisions, forget, withdraw, push people away, or stop socializing. We may stop enforcing our personal boundaries or lapse back into codependent behaviors.
Neglecting ourselves in order to take care of someone who’s capable of their own self-care can make us ill. We need to pay attention to what our bodies are telling us and then redirect the focus back to ourselves.

Using the acronym HALT is an excellent way to check in with ourselves. Redirecting our focus, paying attention to and meeting our own needs are necessary steps to take when learning to break free from codependency.

When we neglect ourselves, we’re not able to participate in our lives fully. When we let ourselves get run-down, we no longer have the ability to think clearly and so it isn’t possible to make good decisions.

Why self-care is essential

When we learn to take care of ourselves, life feels better. When we make the effort to take care of our needs because we feel worthy of taking care of ourselves, our self-esteem improves. Our beliefs about what we should hang onto, and what we should let go of, start to change, and we start setting healthy boundaries. We start to understand what’s our responsibility and what’s not. Part of the process is having a quick and easy way of checking- in to see what we need and then giving it to ourselves.

Remember that airline mandate about putting on your own oxygen mask before attempting to help others with theirs? In the same spirit, ensure that your self-care commitments are at least as important to you as someone else’s would be. If you don’t take care of you, then who will? No one is capable of caring more about you than you are!

Hungry

Hunger is a sign that we are lacking or in need of something physical or emotional hunger.  Are we hungry for food? Ask yourself: Is my stomach growling? Am I irritable or lightheaded? When was the last time I ate? Physical hunger is associated with food, diet, and nutrition, which are undeniably important aspects of our overall health. 

We are worthy people who require nourishing food in order to be well and thrive. Let’s treat ourselves with kindness.  Take a look at how and what you’re eating and see if there’s room for improvement. 

Maybe we’re feeling emotional hunger. Ask yourself: Am I craving attention, validation, affection, or affirmation? Stop and do a quick self-assessment to figure out what you need. If it’s validation, validate yourself. If it’s affirmation, affirm yourself. If it’s attention or affection, find ways to give those to yourself.

Angry

When we’re angry, our brain is flooded with chemicals meant to activate our “fight or flight” response. So if we’re feeling angry, it’s easy to overreact and our behavior will almost certainly be out of proportion to the actual event that triggered it. 

Anger is a secondary emotion, meaning that there is always an emotion that we feel first, for a fraction of a second. It’s that first (primary) emotion that triggers the anger. 

So when we’re angry, it’s important to stop and figure out not only what triggered the anger, but what the primary emotion was in the first place. 

For example:

Let’s say that you suddenly find yourself angry because you feel disrespected. If you look closely enough, you may find that the first trigger was a spoken message. Someone just said words to you that started the whole thing. Those words caused (“triggered”) an emotionally sensitive belief to re-surface, a belief like “I’m not good enough“ or “I’m not important.”

The “I’m not good enough/I’m not important” belief is loaded with feelings that were the first emotions that you felt for just a split-second. Those feelings triggered the anger.

To summarize:

• The first trigger was spoken words.
• The second trigger was feeling “not good enough/not important”.
• “Not good enough/not important” triggered the anger. The words that were spoken to you did not trigger your anger.

It’s really fascinating, isn’t it?

Stories

The “not good enough/I’m not important“ beliefs are stories we repeatedly tell ourselves. We have LOTS of stories. They’re often on autoplay! We can catch ourselves when we start hearing those narratives and turn them off. We CAN learn to control what we tell ourselves! We’ll definitely talk more about that in the future. For now, try to start looking deeper when you get angry. See if you can find the primary emotion and the trigger that caused it. Start making a list of your triggers! You’ll learn some interesting things about yourself and you’ll start seeing patterns. Eventually, you’ll be able to devise a strategy to use when the triggers present themselves again in the future. 

Lonely

When we feel lonely it’s often because we feel like we don’t fit in or belong, or we think that people won’t accept us, or understand us or our current situation. Sometimes it’s because we’ve withdrawn from the fear of being criticized or judged, or even worse, rejected.

Loneliness leads to isolation and isolation is often a maladaptive coping mechanism. Trying to fix loneliness by using self-destructive behaviors like drinking, binge eating, shopping, or gambling doesn’t solve the problem. Those behaviors will just create new problems.

The cure for isolation (and loneliness) is to be willing to be vulnerable and reach out to others to make a connection.

Learn more about isolation here.

Tired

When we’re tired or sleepy, we’re extremely vulnerable to making poor choices because our brains aren’t functioning optimally. Maintaining healthy sleep cycles and routines are essential for both physical and mental health.

When we’re sleep-deprived for whatever reason, it’s not the time for making decisions or having important conversations. If you find yourself tired and you have an important meeting to attend or an important decision to make, postpone it if possible until you’re better-rested.

In a nutshell:

Using the acronym HALT or The HALT Method is a simple (but not always easy) way to foster mindfulness and self-awareness. Both mindfulness and self-awareness are vital to insight and personal growth, and personal growth allows us to live a happier and more fulfilling life. 

Try using The HALT Method to foster better self-awareness and to remind yourself to practice good self-care. 

Tools:

• HALT: Checkin with yourself to see if you’re Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired. Give yourself what you need.
• Conscious awareness:  Be aware and make conscious choices before acting. Self-awareness releases us from making impulsive and potentially damaging decisions.
• Progress not perfection: Let’s give ourselves credit and just enjoy being human! No one is perfect. People just like to pretend they are.
• I’m in control of me. We can only choose to focus on and be responsible for ourselves, our own thoughts, actions, and behavior. The good news is that we can change ourselves with patience, persistence, and practice. We can take responsibility for getting our needs met, instead of waiting for someone to change or meet our needs for us. We are in control of ourselves and no one is responsible for us but us.
• Understand the Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse
• Set boundaries 
• Learn about codependency
• Learn about letting go with loving-detachment

Lemon Moms: Resources to guide you in healing from childhood trauma, abuse or neglect. Available on Amazon and wherever books are sold. (Kindle, Audiobook and paperback format.)

About the author

Diane Metcalf earned her Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology in 1982 and a Master of Science in Information Technology in 2013.

She has held Social Worker, Counselor and Managerial Positions in the fields of Domestic Violence and Abuse, Geriatric Healthcare, Developmental Disabilities, and Reproductive Health. She is an experienced Advocate and Speaker on the topics of Domestic Violence and Abuse and has been a guest on Lockport Community Television (LCTV), sharing her knowledge and experience regarding Domestic Abuse with the local community. In addition, she experienced Maternal Narcissistic Abuse and has been involved in other toxic relationships. She purposefully learned (and continues to learn) appropriate coping skills and strategies to live happily. She shares those insights here.

Her books and articles are the results of her education, knowledge, and personal insight regarding her own abusive experiences and subsequent recovery work. She is no longer a practicing Social Worker, Counselor, Program Manager or Advocate, nor is she or has she ever been a licensed psychologist.

Currently, Diane runs her own website design company, Image and Aspect, and writes articles and tutorials for Tips and Snips, her inspirational blog for creative people. She continues to learn and write about Emotional Healing.

This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

You’re likely being gaslighted if:

• Your narcissist uses your fears or insecurities against you. If you divulge any insecurities or personal worries, at some point, they will be used against you in some manner. Again, this allows the narcissist to feel superior to you as a form of supply.
• Your narcissist wants you to think they know you better than you know yourself. Sometimes, they may say they know what you’re thinking, and if you tell them they’re wrong, they’ll believe you’re lying. They may roll their eyes at you or make a disgusted face, even state that you’re lying. Narcissists simply cannot allow themselves to be wrong.
• Your narcissist has you do things for them that aren’t appropriate (or morally right or legal, etc.) and tells you that it’s OK.
•  If you’re regularly told that something’s “normal” when you know it isn’t, then you’re probably being gaslighted. For example, when I was a child, my mother frequently had me lie to adults on her behalf. Usually, the lie was that she had a headache, or that she didn’t feel well, or wasn’t at home. She just expected me to do this without question. Growing up this way, I believed this was normal. Later, in my teens, when I started to recognize that this wasn’t something all kids had to do, I refused to do it anymore. It felt wrong, and it felt like I was being used. I thought that she should, as the adult, speak to the other adult herself. She made it known that she was disgusted with me for expecting her to be honest or at the very least, to do her own lying. The ironic thing here is that my mother was very vocal about how much she detested liars. She took a strong stand against lying and stated that once someone lied to her, she could never trust them again. She touted herself as a truthful and honest, trustworthy person.
• Your narcissist “diagnoses” you and tells you what’s wrong with you. You’re informed that you’re mentally ill, that you need help, or that you have “issues.” When a narcissist doesn’t get their way, they will insult you and question your judgment or your sanity. They may tell you that you need therapy or medication. This really isn’t about you, though. In fact, it has nothing to do with you; it’s all about their need to feel superior and in control of you, and your relationship.
• Your narcissist rewrites history. They inform you that what you know to be accurate or real, is not accurate, real, correct or factual. Then will then tell you what is.
• Your narcissist tells you that your memory is faulty. Narcissists may recall or retell a memory very differently than you, which is OK, since we all perceive differently. The problem here is that they will describe their behavior or reaction as rational, good and righteous, but spin yours as irrational or shameful. In their version, they are always either the hero or the victim.

What does gaslighting do?

Gaslighting can have severe effects, especially if it’s ongoing. You may find yourself lying if it helps you avoid the stress of having your reality discarded and re-written. Or you may lie simply to avoid the inevitable arguments. You’ll do what needs to be done to prevent your narcissist from becoming triggered, angry, or abusive. 

A significant symptom of gaslighting is the constant feeling of confusion or being off-balance. It’s one of the most challenging aspects to healing because we’ve learned to disregard our intuition and our sense of trust, indeed sometimes our whole perception of reality. Because we may have learned to trust our narcissist’s interpretation of the world and rely on it instead of our own, we begin to doubt our reality and we convince ourselves that our narcissist’s version of reality is correct.

How does being gaslighted feel?

There’s a feeling of things not “adding up,” and you get confused and disoriented easily, when having arguments or conversations with them. You may possibly feel as if reality isn’t actually “real.” I came to think of these discrepancies as a flaw within myself, instead of in my mother. I had obsessive thoughts, trying to figure out and make sense of the disparity between what I observed myself, knowing what I saw or heard, and what I was told that I saw or heard (or didn’t see or hear.) The internal conflict this causes often leads to us accepting that our narcissist’s version of reality is correct. This is called cognitive dissonance. It’s a way of making sense of what’s happening, to feel less confused.

When you’re in a relationship with a narcissist who’s gaslighting you, you may get unexpected or inappropriate responses to common questions or actions, and your own reactions may be determined to be incorrect or unreasonable. You may start to wonder why your narcissist gives you strange looks that make you question yourself. Fearful for your mental health, you worry that you might be losing your mind. You might begin thinking that you’re the illogical one, or that you’re mentally ill. You likely feel confused all the time, but your observations are never validated.

You’ll even come to doubt your own memory. This was a big one for me. Because my mother liked to overwrite my perceptions and memories with her own, I heard a lot of, “I never said that,” “You imagined it,” or “You dreamed it.” This was the attribute of gaslighting that harmed me the most. Continually being told that I perceived, and therefore remembered, events incorrectly had me in a continual state of self-doubt and confusion. It negatively impacted my ability to make decisions and to trust my own judgment and perceptions.

This form of abuse leads to feeling depressed, anxious, helpless, hopeless, or exhausted. You may feel surreal, like you’re invisible, or like you don’t exist. Your sense of reality may seem” fuzzy” around the edges, and you can’t think clearly. You probably have trouble problem-solving and making decisions because you doubt your judgment or your observations. 

And while you’re struggling with all of this, your narcissist will continue to play the mind games, twisting your perception of reality.

Eventually, you may begin to depend on your narcissist to tell what’s real and what isn’t. You’ll rely on them to tell you what happened, how it happened and how you should remember it. If the gaslighting is constant, your reality will depend on their interpretation of it. You’ll begin to lose your sense of self. If this happens, you’ve likely started to dissociate and become the version of “you” that your narcissist already believes you are.

Tools:

Conscious awareness:  Be aware and make conscious choices before acting. Self-awareness releases us from making impulsive and potentially damaging decisions.

Self-care: We can only choose to focus on and be responsible for ourselves, our own thoughts, actions, and behavior. The good news is that we can change ourselves with patience, persistence, and practice. We can take responsibility for getting our needs met, instead of waiting for someone to change or meet our needs for us. We are in control of ourselves and no one is responsible for us but us.

Set boundaries 

Understand the Abuse Cycle

Learn about codependency

Learn about letting go of what you can’t control, by using loving-detachment

Learn about expectations

Lemon Moms: Resources to guide you in healing from childhood trauma, abuse or neglect. Available on Amazon and wherever books are sold. (Kindle, Audiobook and paperback format.)

About the author

Diane Metcalf earned her Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology in 1982 and a Master of Science in Information Technology in 2013.

She has held Social Worker, Counselor and Managerial Positions in the fields of Domestic Violence and Abuse, Geriatric Healthcare, Developmental Disabilities, and Reproductive Health. She is an experienced Advocate and Speaker on the topics of Domestic Violence and Abuse and has been a guest on Lockport Community Television (LCTV), sharing her knowledge and experience regarding Domestic Abuse with the local community. In addition, she experienced Maternal Narcissistic Abuse and has been involved in other toxic relationships. She purposefully learned (and continues to learn) appropriate coping skills and strategies to live happily. She shares those insights here.

Her books and articles are the results of her education, knowledge, and personal insight regarding her own abusive experiences and subsequent recovery work. She is no longer a practicing Social Worker, Counselor, Program Manager or Advocate, nor is she or has she ever been a licensed psychologist.

Currently, Diane runs her own website design company, Image and Aspect, and writes articles and tutorials for Tips and Snips, her inspirational blog for creative people. She continues to learn and write about Emotional Healing.

This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

The amygdala is a structure that’s part of this system. We have two amygdalae, one on either side of our brains. It’s considered the “emotional” brain because it’s highly involved with memory and the connected emotional responses.

The amygdala’s job is to convert and move information out of short-term memory into long-term memory and to connect emotions to these memories (Krause-Utz et al. 2017).

Fight or Flight

Whenever we experience any traumatic episode, a hormone called adrenalin is released from our adrenal glands. This action causes a memory of the trauma to be created in our amygdala. The memory is not stored linearly like a story. Instead, it’s saved according to how our five senses experienced the trauma as it happened. So, the traumatic memories are stored as bits of visual images, smells, sounds, tastes, or physical contact. The amygdala then gives meaning and a particular degree of emotional intensity to this event.

If the amygdala is continually on high alert, overstimulated from adrenalin from a real or a perceived threat, our emotions won’t become self-regulated like they’re supposed to. When emotions aren’t self-regulated, we continue to respond to old, buried memories with an automatic, knee-jerk behavior called “triggering.” Triggering is caused when the brain has lost the ability to distinguish between something that is a threat and something that’s not. The amygdala misinterprets input from our senses, eyes, ears, nose, mouth, and/or skin, as being dangerous or threatening, even when it’s not.

And if we continually live in this high-alert, fight or flight survival mode, we’ll likely begin using coping methods that aren’t good for us. We may lie, depend on drugs, overeat, steal, or do whatever it takes to help us cope with the unmanageable stress. 

Another essential structure within the limbic system is the horseshoe-shaped hippocampus.

The hippocampus also plays a role in moving information from short-term to long-term memory, but its job is cataloging memories for eventual storage and retrieval and developing new memories about past experiences.

The hippocampus is in charge of remembering locations for objects and people. When we remember that we left our keys on the kitchen counter, we’re using our hippocampus. We use the hippocampus for spatial memory, navigating, and orientation. Without it, we wouldn’t remember where the kitchen counter is or how to get there from where we are in relation. This is critical information about our surroundings, and we rely on it to find our way around.

The hippocampus continues to be the focus of research regarding cognition (understanding through thought, experience, and senses) and memory-retention in post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) (Kolassa and  Elbert 2007).

Differences between PTSD and C-PTSD

Complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD) results from a series of trauma-causing events, or one prolonged event, whereas PTSD is usually related to a single traumatic event. This repeated exposure causes additional symptoms not experienced by people with PTSD. C-PTSD can be the result of narcissistic abuse because our very being, who we are at our core, is continually attacked or threatened when we’re in a relationship with a narcissist. Common symptoms of C-PTSD are flashbacks, panic attacks, nightmares, excessive startle reaction, and habitually thinking about the traumatic event (McClelland and Gilyard 2008).

Children who experience neglect or ongoing traumatic abuse are at risk for developing complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD), depression, self-harming behaviors, and conditions like anxiety, conduct, attachment, eating, substance use, and other disorders. When these children become adults, they’ll be at risk for revictimization, and physical illnesses like diabetes, heart disease, and immunological disorders. Research shows that women who’ve endured childhood abuse-related PTSD may also have altered brain structures, and their cognitive functioning may also be impaired as compared with women who were abused but not diagnosed with PTSD or women with no history of abuse. Abuse-related PTSD is associated with a reduced ability to focus and categorize information. When the attention and memory encoding activities of the limbic system are suspended due to real or perceived threats, verbal language ability may also become impaired (Ford 2017).

We learn our value as people as well as how to develop healthy, supportive relationships by interacting with our primary caretakers and family members. Kids who’ve been neglected or abused by a caretaker find it challenging to form a healthy attachment to them. If our caretaker was emotionally unstable, neglectful, or abusive, we might have learned that we can’t trust or depend on others to meet our needs. Studies indicate that children are more susceptible to stress and its related illnesses when they’re unable to create a healthy attachment to their caretaker. They may have difficulty interacting with authority figures like teachers and other adults. They struggle with managing and expressing their emotions, and they may react inappropriately or even aggressively in specific settings. Later in life, they may have difficulty sustaining romantic relationships and friendships.

Those of us who have experienced maternal narcissistic abuse may eventually find ourselves in an abusive, toxic, or less-than-satisfying adult relationship.

It’s not hard to see why. It makes sense: this person’s behavior and way of relating to us seem familiar, and we already know our role and what’s expected of us in the relationship.

Tools:

Learn about codependency

Learn about adverse childhood experiences

Understand the Cycle of Abuse

Lemon Moms: Resources to guide you in healing from childhood trauma, abuse or neglect. Available on Amazon and wherever books are sold. (Kindle, Audiobook and paperback format.)

About the author

Diane Metcalf earned her Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology in 1982 and a Master of Science in Information Technology in 2013.

She has held Social Worker, Counselor and Managerial Positions in the fields of Domestic Violence and Abuse, Geriatric Healthcare, Developmental Disabilities, and Reproductive Health. She is an experienced Advocate and Speaker on the topics of Domestic Violence and Abuse and has been a guest on Lockport Community Television (LCTV), sharing her knowledge and experience regarding Domestic Abuse with the local community. In addition, she experienced Maternal Narcissistic Abuse and has been involved in other toxic relationships. She purposefully learned (and continues to learn) appropriate coping skills and strategies to live happily. She shares those insights here.

Her books and articles are the results of her education, knowledge, and personal insight regarding her own abusive experiences and subsequent recovery work. She is no longer a practicing Social Worker, Counselor, Program Manager or Advocate, nor is she or has she ever been a licensed psychologist.

Currently, Diane runs her own website design company, Image and Aspect, and writes articles and tutorials for Tips and Snips, her inspirational blog for creative people. She continues to learn and write about Emotional Healing.

This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

I wasn’t able to lovingly detach until I learned about codependent behavior and setting healthy boundaries. Even after becoming familiar with it, exercising loving detachment was anxiety-provoking because it was outside my comfort zone. So I decided that to get comfortable with it, I would take any appropriate opportunity to lovingly detach when one presented itself.

Working on self-care isn’t important when we’re codependent, but eventually, I became comfortable with using loving detachment as a form of my own self-care. 

Paradigm Shift

When we establish healthy practices (such as boundary setting) in our daily lives, we begin developing healthy new perspectives and attitudes. We start feeling a little differently about ourselves and others. We may see ourselves as autonomous individuals for the very first time. We may see separateness and uniqueness as positive and valuable attributes. We start recognizing our personal strengths and using our personal power. We tentatively believe that we’re not responsible for other peoples feelings or for fixing their problems. We learn that we have our own needs and that our lives matter. We acknowledge that isolation isn’t good for us and that “connection” requires proactive behavior, like reaching out. We start trusting and become more willing to be let ourselves be vulnerable. We begin taking emotional risks and sharing our private stories.

If you’re familiar with The Toolbox blog, or if you’ve been actively engaged in personal growth, recovery or healing work, then you’re already familiar with concepts like codependency, boundaries, isolation, self-care, mind-reading, and expectations.

And all of those bring us to the concept of “Loving Detachment.”

“Detachment” sounds negative, doesn’t it? And how can detaching from a person possibly be a “loving” thing? If you’re confused, don’t worry. I was too.

Let me start by telling you what loving detachment is not.

Loving detachment isn’t mean, harsh or selfish. It’s not an “either/or” mentality; it’s not yes we’re doing it today and no we’re not doing it tomorrow. It’s not something that we turn on and off. It’s a way of “being.”

It isn’t aggressive, rather it’s compassionate and kind.

Loving detachment is a type of healthy boundary. 

Detachment Styles

The kinds of detachment I’ve outlined here are taken directly from conversations I’ve had and from my own experiences. I’m sure there are types of detachment that I haven’t experienced and that I don’t know about, so this is not an exhaustive list. If you have experience with a detachment style that I haven’t mentioned, I’d love to hear from you about your experience.

There are several theories out there about various detachment-styles, but I’m not going to use those here.

Instead, let’s see if we’ve used any of the following four detachment styles with our qualifying person.

Numbing detachment

When we numb ourselves to avoid feeling pain, we usually do it by using something to assist us in “shutting down” emotionally. “Numbing”  includes “escapism” and using avoidance-behaviors. Numbing-out involves distracting ourselves with activities like cleaning, reading, social media, binge-watching TV, or immersing ourselves in church, school, eating, drinking, shopping, or community service.

None of these activities are wrong or hurtful, yet they can be used maladaptively. When we use numbing behaviors we’re not intentionally trying to be mean or hurtful, but it can happen. Numbing-out is all about protecting ourselves but if we’re not careful, it could hurt others.  

Pretty much any activity can be used to distract, escape, avoid and numb. When we want to immerse ourselves in an activity, let’s remember to take a look at our motives and see if we’re actually avoiding or numbing. Is the activity a way for us to evade a person, painful circumstance or memory?

Angry detachment

First of all, it’s important to understand that anger is a secondary emotion. There’s always a primary emotion felt before anger is felt, and that first emotion triggers the anger. It’s so fleeting that oftentimes we don’t even notice that first emotion. For example, if I suddenly become angry at someone because I feel they disrespected me, more than likely the anger I feel was triggered by a primary feeling of unimportance. The feeling of unimportance is the emotional “trigger.”

So angry detachment is a reaction to a trigger. When we detach in anger, we often feel like saying something nasty or hurtful, or we feel like doing something destructive or vengeful. Sometimes we actually take those actions rather than just feel them.

Angry detaching feels like an attempt to control. It feels like it’s the “last straw”. It’s when we realize that our former attempts at controlling or manipulating aren’t working.

It has a punishing vibe to it. “We’ll show THEM!” Outwardly we give the appearance of being emotionally detached because we make ourselves unavailable; we physically or emotionally “walk away”, we don’t take their calls or respond to texts. We may even actively ignore the person when they’re nearby.

But inwardly we continue worrying, thinking, and obsessing about them or their behavior. We know what’s going on in their lives because we talk to others who know them or we stalk social media. We haven’t really detached. We’re punishing and manipulating them with our anger and silence, but because we’re not interacting with them, it feels like detachment.

Apathetic detachment

Apathy (or indifference) involves suppressing all feelings of interest or concern, and it takes the idea of detachment to an extreme. When we’ve detached with apathy, we no longer acknowledge the person at all. It’s as if they don’t exist! We couldn’t care less about them and we don’t want to hear about or have anything to do with them.  

A therapist friend once asked me  “what is the opposite of love?” and I responded “hate.”  He replied “most people would agree with you, but no. The opposite of love is indifference.” Mic drop. Boom.

Using apathy or indifference as a way of detaching is maladaptive and it can cause irreparable damage to a relationship. In fact, the degree to which indifference exists in a marriage can accurately predict the probability of divorce.

Loving detachment

When we emotionally distance ourselves from a situation and it’s consequences with the understanding that the person is entitled to make their own choices and deal with the consequences, we’re lovingly detaching. With loving detachment, we take the focus off them and put it on ourselves. We feel compassion for the person but we focus on ourselves and we feel at peace about whatever happens next. 

Loving detachment is judgment-free and it allows us to intellectually, emotionally and compassionately separate the person from their behavior. It means that we understand that the person and the behavior are two separate things. We can choose to love the person and feel compassion for them while simultaneously despising their behavior. We emotionally or physically distance ourselves from their behavior not to punish or control them, but as a demonstration of self-care. 

As with boundary-setting, there is no need to discuss your intent to detach or to get permission, and they do not need to agree to it. Sharing your intent to detach with them may remove punitive overtones and it’s a respectful thing to do, but it’s not necessary. Whether you inform or not is up to you. But if you choose to inform, remember that it’s just that: information. It’s not a threat or an ultimatum issued as an attempt to gain control. Remember to check your motives when informing your person about your intent to detach.

Why Me?

You may be asking “But why do I need to be the one to do all this work? Why can’t THEY just change or shape-up or get-their-act-together?”  Well, that would be great if it happened, wouldn’t it? If they would just change their behavior and do what we want or expect, our lives would be so much nicer, right?

But, as we’ve probably figured out, that’s not the way it works.

We can’t control other people. The way their behavior affects us isn’t about THEM, it’s about ourselves. Take a pause to think about that for a minute. This is about us. It’s about controlling our own choices.

When I feel the need to detach, I find it helpful to accept and validate myself first, including my thoughts and my feelings. Then I commit to maintaining my focus and productivity by concentrating on only myself and my life.  Doing these puts me in the right frame of mind to lovingly detach. There’s no anger, no fear, no need to go numb or to become indifferent. It’s like what my teacher-friends say to their students: “Keep your eyes on your own paper.” I commit to keeping my eyes on my own needs, my own life, focusing on my own work. Easy-peasy. I can do this.

When we view it from this perspective, it’s clear that loving detachment is not  “running away.” Loving detachment is more like “running towards”. When we use loving detachment we are running to ourselves. 

We are separate and whole

Lovingly detaching reminds us that we’re separate people in our own right, with our own likes, needs, feelings, desires, and goals and that we have choices and consequences of our own. It reminds us that we’re not responsible for fixing another person’s feelings or problems. 

In each of the above detachment scenarios, the end result is always the same for us: we emotionally or physically “walk away”; we remove ourselves from the situation. 

The difference between these scenarios is how we feel after we walk. Of the four, loving detachment is the only one that leaves us at peace, no matter what the other person is feeling, doing, or what happens next. 

Detaching this way allows us to drop our need to control the outcome. Shifting the attention to our own lives allows us to focus on our needs, wants, feelings and goals while providing that same opportunity to the other person. (See codependency)  

Tools

• Learn how to set boundaries
• Pause to think.
• Respond rather than react. (Homework: look up the difference and try responding instead of reacting the next time you have the opportunity. See how it feels)
• Practice “Live and let live” and “Not my circus not my clowns.” We can allow others the dignity of making their own (good or bad) decisions and then let them experience the consequences of their choices. When we mind our own business, we are free from the responsibility of rescuing other people.
• How important is this really? A shift in our perspective can help us determine what’s most valuable to us so we don’t get upset over things that aren’t as important.
• Identify your codependent thoughts and behaviors
• Don’t play the game. Drop your end of the tug-of-war rope. There’s no tug-of-war if there isn’t someone pulling on each end.
• Use your voice. Say what you mean and mean what you say. 
• Know when something is your responsibility & when it’s not. Say it nicely, say it with firmness. “No, I’m sorry I can’t do that” or “No, that’s actually something you should be doing for yourself”
• Remind yourself that you’re worthy of being fair to yourself. 
• Remember- “I’m in control of me”. We can choose to focus on and be responsible for ourselves, our thoughts, actions, and behavior. We can change ourselves with patience, persistence, and practice. We can take responsibility for getting our needs met, instead of waiting for someone to change or to meet our needs for us. We are in control of ourselves and no one is responsible for us but us.
• Remember: “We don’t have to attend every argument to which we’re invited.”

Lemon Moms: Resources to guide you in healing from childhood trauma, abuse or neglect. Available on Amazon and wherever books are sold. (Kindle, Audiobook and paperback format.)

About the author

Diane Metcalf earned her Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology in 1982 and a Master of Science in Information Technology in 2013.

She has held Social Worker, Counselor and Managerial Positions in the fields of Domestic Violence and Abuse, Geriatric Healthcare, Developmental Disabilities, and Reproductive Health. She is an experienced Advocate and Speaker on the topics of Domestic Violence and Abuse and has been a guest on Lockport Community Television (LCTV), sharing her knowledge and experience regarding Domestic Abuse with the local community. In addition, she experienced Maternal Narcissistic Abuse and has been involved in other toxic relationships. She purposefully learned (and continues to learn) appropriate coping skills and strategies to live happily. She shares those insights here.

Her books and articles are the results of her education, knowledge, and personal insight regarding her own abusive experiences and subsequent recovery work. She is no longer a practicing Social Worker, Counselor, Program Manager or Advocate, nor is she or has she ever been a licensed psychologist.

Currently, Diane runs her own website design company, Image and Aspect, and writes articles and tutorials for Tips and Snips, her inspirational blog for creative people. She continues to learn and write about Emotional Healing.

This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.