Quick document links

When a narcissistic mother doesn’t like aspects of her personality, she emotionally separates herself from those qualities and then projects those unacceptable traits onto one of her children. She will then mistreat that child for “having” those qualities. When she does this, she’s using a defense mechanism known as projection, which is what occurs when we attribute a trait that we dislike in ourselves as being another person’s, not our own (Brenner 2019). The mother now has reason to blame the child for anything she thinks, does, or says that she finds objectionable within herself, but is unwilling to admit or change.

“Even perceived rejection activates the brain’s pain centers.”

Scapegoating

When a narcissistic mom uses projection to protect her ego from her unlikeable qualities, there is a risk of neglect, maltreatment, abuse, blame, shame, or even physical violence to the children as a result. She’ll play a game of “whose fault is it? I know it’s not mine” (Brenner et al. 2018). Because narcissistic mothers are so controlling, they need to have reasons that explain undesirable happenings, and they insist on having a person to hold accountable. This phenomenon is known as scapegoating. The scapegoating practice happens in dysfunctional families, with the role of the scapegoat being either temporary or permanent. The scapegoat is the fall guy, the person who gets blamed for offenses and injustices that happen to anyone in the family. Family members, except for the narcissistic mom, often take turns playing the scapegoat role, and at any given time, the mom determines who the scapegoat is.

Tactics like scapegoating are all attempts of the mother to maintain control. When a narcissistic mom feels like she’s losing control over her kids, she will often lash out in vengeful ways, subtly or with direct hostility. Narcissistic mothers are highly reactive to any threat or challenge to their power. They have a sense of entitlement, ownership, and possession of their kids.

Manipulative Tactics

There is a multitude of ways that a narcissistic mother can emotionally injure her children. I believe these behaviors are the result of other, often unrelated issues, such as:

1. She’s not articulate or doesn’t have a strong vocabulary, so she’s not able to accurately express or describe what she’s thinking or feeling.

2. She doesn’t know how to identify her emotions.

3. She hasn’t had an emotionally healthy upbringing, or she hasn’t witnessed emotionally healthy relationships.

4. She’s emotionally immature and can’t regulate her emotions.

5. She hasn’t personally experienced or learned strong parenting skills.

Narcissistic mothers manipulate and control their children in a variety of ways:

• Withholding affection, affirmation, validation, attention, encouragement, praise, and other self-esteem building behaviors
• Exhibiting intense and scary displays of emotion and drama (“narcissistic rages”)
• Verbally abusing them with insults, criticism, and name-calling
• Threatening violence (may or may not be carried out)
• Maintaining a victim mentality
• Rejection
• Lying
• Giving the “silent treatment” as a form of punishment
• Exercising a “selective memory”
• Gaslighting to control perceptions and memories

I’m personally familiar with all of these tactics. Gaslighting is the one that harmed me the most. It’s an extremely emotionally and mentally destructive form of manipulation.

Even though most of the above-listed behaviors are not physically hurtful, each one can activate the pain centers in the human brain. Research in the field of neuroscience shows us that even perceived rejection activates the area of the brain where pain is felt (Eisenberger et al. 2004). The point is that verbal abuse, threats, rejection, and other forms of emotional mistreatment do hurt us.

Tools for Healing

Learn how to protect yourself with boundaries 

Learn about the narcissistic abuse cycle

Learn about dysfunctional family roles

Learn about codependency 

Learn why what you tell yourself matters

Learn why verbal abuse hurts us

Join the Free Email Survival Course:

Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.

Private Facebook group included for members only.

Join the Waitlist!

When someone’s vibe feels “icky,” or they have “unusual” personality quirks, would you know if they are genuine warning signs or if you could be in danger?

Coming Fall/Winter 2023

Icks, Personality Quirks, or Warning Signs? How to Know the Difference, by Diane Metcalf

Sign up for exclusive access to free chapters, progress, contests, and launch team, and be notified when it’s available!

Discover the Secrets of Identifying Danger

Have you been caught off guard by toxic individuals?
Want to enhance your ability to spot warning signs and protect yourself from emotional mistreatment and abuse? Look no further!

This upcoming book delves deep into the complexities of human behavior, guiding you through the maze of narcissists, psychopaths, manipulators, liars, and self-absorbed individuals.
Learn the crucial skills to differentiate between harmless eccentricities and genuine red flags.

Feel empowered to rescue, protect and heal yourself from their mistreatment or abuse

I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self, Workbook and Journal, by Diane Metcalf

Experience the power of self-affirmation: using positive statements to improve well-being and performance. Learn research-based steps to write the most effective affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things.

Get it Here:

Author’s Site: Free Shipping

Barnes and Noble

Amazon

Browse the Positivity Shop

Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism, by Diane Metcalf

For as long as I can remember, there was something “different” about my mother. She wasn’t like other mothers.

My mom didn’t hug or kiss, smile at, spend time with, or play with me. She never seemed happy to see me. She didn’t ask about my school day and wasn’t interested in knowing my friends. She seemed to have no interest in me or anything that I did. My mom called me hurtful names and obscenities, and at times, she ignored me, not speaking to me for days, weeks, or even months. When she felt sad I was expected to emotionally care-take her. When she didn’t feel like parenting, I was responsible for my siblings. When she lost her temper she hit. When I was disobedient, there were bizarre punishments.

I was not allowed to express feelings, ask questions, or show initiative or curiosity. My feelings were discounted, minimized, or invalidated. She re-wrote my memories, and I was expected to believe her version. I was to obey, stay quiet, and not question.

If any of this sounds familiar, you are not alone. If there is manipulation, power struggles, or cruelty in your relationship, this book can help. If you second-guess your memory, doubt your judgment or sanity, or continually seek your mother’s withheld affection, attention, approval, or love, this book can explain why.

Learn More

or

Get it Here:

Author’s Site: Free Shipping

Barnes and Noble

Amazon

Get the TOOLBOX posts twice monthly in your inbox!

About the Author

Drawing from her personal experiences of growing up in a dysfunctional household, Diane Metcalf has developed effective coping and healing strategies. With the assistance of professional therapists and mindful personal growth, she has honed her skills and now happily shares them with others who are interested in learning and growing.

As an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer, Diane is well-versed in topics such as narcissism, family dysfunction, abuse, and recognizing warning signs. Her extensive knowledge is drawn not only from her personal experiences, but also from her work in human service fields, including domestic violence, partner abuse, and court advocacy. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.

Diane’s transformational books on healing and personal growth, such as the highly acclaimed “Lemon Moms” series, offer emotional support and guidance in understanding narcissistic traits and healing past wounds. Her approach emphasizes self-awareness, intention, self-care, and establishing healthy boundaries as essential components in the healing process.

Learn more about the Lemon Moms series: Lemon Moms

See what’s happening on DianeMetcalf.com

This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

Quick document links

Uncovering Emotional Triggers: How Narcissistic Behavior Impacts Our Anger and Self-Esteem

Whether someone has a few narcissistic characteristics or full-blown Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), they mistreat others (intentionally or not.) The resulting hypervigilance, trauma bonds, and cognitive dissonance created during this time also cause emotional triggers.

If you experience a memory or specific event that causes you to feel angry, it’s because your brain hasn’t fully processed a feeling. These types of knee-jerk reactions are called “emotional triggers.” To identify the triggers (aka “buttons,”) we need to examine our feelings and our responses to those feelings in deeper detail.

For example

If I’m in line to buy something and someone cuts in front of me, I might immediately feel angry and lash out at that person. Why would I do that? Well, it’s about how I interpret what’s going on, and the cause of my anger might not be what I assume it is. Isolating the cause (the “trigger” or “button”) is what this week is all about. It’s a pretty challenging lesson, so hang in there.

In the previous example, if my interpretation of the offending line-cutter is “they think they’re more important than me,” “they think they’re better than me!,” or “they think they don’t have to wait like the rest of us,” or “what an entitled so-and-so! How disrespectful!” then I’ve given the line-cutting a specific meaning relating to myself. That meaning may or may not be accurate. The interpretation I’ve given the behavior might trigger feelings in me like: I don’t matter, I’m not important, or I’m not worthy of respect.

It’s the first emotions that I feel (I don’t matter, I’m not important, I don’t deserve respect) that trigger my anger. These first emotions come from our interpretation of the event.

That’s why anger is called a secondary emotion. A first emotion is always felt before the anger, and it activates the anger.

But what if I stopped and gave the benefit of the doubt? What if I changed my interpretation? Maybe the person is stressed, in a hurry, and didn’t notice the line. (I’ve done this myself.) What if they’re asking a quick question and don’t actually require service? (Not a nice thing to do, but still understandable and totally unrelated to me personally.) There are many other interpretations or reasons for someone’s behavior besides the limited ones we can think of.

Let’s go deeper

Did you know that no one can “make” you feel angry? No one can “make” you feel anything, really. Our feelings come from us and are a choice. The behavior that results is also a choice. Those are big statements, and they’re backed by research. I’ve included some sources at the end of the article.

When we start this process of self-examination, it’s like peeling an onion. We uncover hidden thoughts, beliefs, limitations, and judgments, and there will be surprises along the way. But, everything we find is an insight that allows us to see ourselves and our world from a larger perspective. This is called personal growth.

Trigger example

Let’s say someone does something, and the first thing that pops into your mind is that they think you’re not important! That you don’t matter. That you should be ashamed. Or that you’re stupid, don’t belong, or that they don’t like you. The list of feelings you might experience here is endless and related to how you feel about yourself. So, your response is to feel angry and you might even want to say something mean or hurtful or hurt them physically.

But let’s stop and take a closer look at what just happened. Upon closer inspection, you see that they didn’t actually SAY anything! They DID something, and you got angry. The meaning of their behavior is an interpretation you gave it. It’s coming from you and causing you to feel something. That first “something” (the primary emotion) activated your anger.

Whoa. Can you see it? Your interpretation may be correct or incorrect. The person has not actually said that you’re not important, that you don’t matter, that you should be ashamed, that you’re stupid, etc. But it feels to you, through your interpretation, like that’s what they said or implied. So your interpretation determines what you will feel next.

Interpretation happens in your mind, and most of us do not notice when it happens. That’s because it happens unconsciously. But after today, and when you apply conscious awareness, you will see it. So here’s the thing: when you change your interpretation of a past event (memory) or a present event, either way, the primary emotion you feel, and your resulting behavior will also change. But what does that mean for you?

Now what?

After you acknowledge that you’ve interpreted a memory (or a present event) and that the meaning caused you to feel a primary emotion (shame, dismissed, unimportant, disrespected, mocked, etc.,) and that primary emotion triggered you to feel angry, you can stop right there and question whether your interpretation was realistic or not.

MEMORY OR EVENT >> INTERPRETATION & JUDGMENT >> PRIMARY EMOTION >> ANGER

Try to figure out why you gave the memory or event the particular interpretation you gave it. Why not a different one? Asking and answering this question involves taking a bold look at your less-than-perfect character traits and noticing which ones need improving. This is the opposite of blaming. This is knowing yourself on a deeper level; knowing your buttons and why they exist in the first place. It’s about knowing what the buttons are and how to ignore them, turn them off or shut them down for good.

Here are some primary emotions or “buttons” that might trigger anger. Hint: It would be helpful to examine each of these and journal your thoughts and insights about what you discover.

The Primary Emotional Buttons that Trigger Anger

1. Loss of control, powerlessness, victimization

If feelings of victimhood or loss of control are the primary emotion, you’ll be triggered to feel anger because you want to regain control over what’s happening or what’s perceived to be happening. (Remember, a lot of this is your own interpretation.) These feelings could cause you to overreact or lash out at others. That’s because losing control, victimization, and fear are all closely related. So if you notice that you’re overreacting or lashing out, look to see if you’re feeling a loss of control, powerless, or victimized.

2. Fear

Feeling afraid and feeling a loss of control are related. Your amygdalae (memory-creating brain structures) save memories, not as stories, but as chunks and fragments of sensory input. Your memories are preserved as bits and pieces of sounds, sights, smells, touches, and tastes. Any fragments connected to fear can trigger anger because of the vital need to regain control of the situation (see above.) This is especially true for those affected by C-PTSD.

Our minds use fear as a method of keeping us safe. Even though fear is uncomfortable, it is a natural response, not a sign of weakness. When a memory causes you to re-experience feelings of fear, it’s OK to remind yourself that you’re in a safe place (if you are) and experiencing a memory. It’s safe to examine this disturbing feeling a little deeper. When you get a clearer picture of what’s going on behind the scenes in your brain, discovering the root cause of the fear will uncover the primary emotion (trigger.) Once you find the trigger, you can understand it more deeply, which will start you moving forward to remove its power in your life.

3. Frustration

Frustration is an emotional response to dealing with conditions outside of our realm of control. Being blocked from the desired outcome or being challenged by a difficult task are examples of events that can cause frustration. When someone feels frustrated, and it’s combined with fear, they may become aggressive. (For example, a difficult task must be finished before a specific time in order to avoid negative consequences, and that time is getting close.)

When we feel frustrated, we also feel a sense of powerlessness because we’re in a situation where we want to do something and can’t. We may feel like we have no available choices or don’t know what those choices are.

Focusing on a solution (rather than the problem) is always helpful. If you’re feeling frustrated about something, here are some questions to ask yourself that could change your perspective and uncover a solution-

• What is it that I’m trying to achieve?
• Am I feeling blocked in the way I’m going about getting it?
• What are some other ways I can get it? Think of at least two.
• What steps can I take right now?
• Do I need to start working on accepting that I can’t change this situation?
• Do I need to change my goal, rather than give it up?
• Am I allowing fear to control my responses? How can I change that?

4. Feeling tired or overwhelmed

Feeling worn-out or exhausted impacts our ability to cope with challenging situations. When we’re tired, our minds can’t work at full capacity, and we may find ourselves misperceiving, misunderstanding, or making poor decisions. When we need rest, our patience and emotional resilience are low. You may feel at your limit for what you can handle, which is also connected to feeling frustrated. When you’re at your limit, feeling like you have no more ability to cope can feel scary and may cause you to feel afraid. Being pushed over that limit can trigger anger.

TIRED + FRUSTRATION + EMOTIONAL LIMIT + NO COPING TOOLS = FEAR >> ANGER

Are you beginning to see how fear keeps coming up in these scenarios? Fear is connected to many of our triggers.

When you’re feeling overwhelmed, stop and see if you can find the cause. Use the HALT method. Ask yourself other questions like: are you under more stress than usual? Are you in pain? Have you experienced a loss? Have your responsibilities increased? Have you lost a support system? Had a financial change? What else has changed in your life recently?

Break the cause into smaller chunks and see where it becomes unmanageable. Do you need to ask for help with this unmanageable piece?

What are other healthier ways you can respond to feeling overwhelmed? (Hint: take a nap, go to bed early, eat something if you’re hungry, create a plan, make a spreadsheet, create a list, call someone, move your body; go for a walk, do something physical, talk to someone, read.)

5. Grief

Grief is an overwhelming emotion and one of the hardest to deal with. Part of the dawning awareness that someone’s narcissistic behavior has negatively affected us is noticing a strong feeling of loss. This is why it’s called “Narcissism Awareness Grief.” Feelings of loss can be confusing and painful, and often when going through the process of Narcissism Awareness Grief, we feel that loss and maybe acknowledge it for the first time. We aren’t mourning for what we had, we are grieving for what might have been.

For example, we mourn the loving, caring mother we never had and the innocent, unburdened childhood we never got to experience. We mourn our lost sense of self. We mourn the love and acceptance we never got to experience, especially if we’re an invisible or scapegoat child. We grieve our lost sense of security because we were gaslighted. We mourn all the lost time, the time spent believing lies and engaging in people-pleasing. We mourn the loss of a soul connection to someone we love. It’s natural to feel angry when there’s such a tremendous loss.

When you’re angry and unsure why, ask yourself if grief could be the cause. Does the current situation remind you of something you’ve lost, could have had, or desired? For example, do you feel angry when you see your mother engaging with the Golden Child? Do you feel angry when you’re in public and see a happy couple laughing, playing, and enjoying each other? Ask yourself if what you’re experiencing is unresolved grief. If your anger is indeed grief-related, that’s an indication that you need to start working through the grief. If you’re involved with someone who has narcissistic traits, learn about the stages of Narcissism Awareness Grief. Get into a support group or find a therapist. Please don’t let being stuck in grief rob you of a happier future.

6. Codependent coping

If we don’t know how to validate and affirm ourselves, we look to others to fulfill those needs for us. This is a symptom of codependency. When we don’t feel good about ourselves or have low self-esteem, we look for validation and approval from others (this is called external validation.) And we may go to incredible lengths to please others to get that validation, affirmation, and some semblance of self-worth. Our anger jumps out in defense when we have a weak sense of worth. When someone doesn’t acknowledge or appreciate what we’ve done for them (even if they haven’t asked for our help,) we feel hurt and resentful, and those can trigger our anger.

Codependency ends when we start feeling “good enough” and can approve of and validate ourselves. Validation is critical. Once you’re able to validate yourself, you’ll be less likely to seek out others to do it for you. You won’t need to step in and do things for others when they haven’t asked you to. You’ll begin to know yourself more deeply than when you were focused on caretaking someone else.

Why do you need this person’s approval? Why is this approval so important to you? What will their approval change about you? What will happen if you don’t get it? If you don’t get it, would that change anything, really? What beliefs about yourself would it change? Is their approval the only thing that will cause this change? What can you do to start feeling better about yourself regardless of how they respond to you? What else might improve your self-esteem? What might increase your self-confidence? When will you start doing those things?

It may be helpful to revisit week five’s lesson: Recognizing and Eliminating Codependent Coping, or read chapters 6 and 17 in Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism.

7. Betrayal hurt

As we progress through Narcissism Awareness Grief, we may feel betrayed. Feeling betrayed is painful and can affect how we think, feel, and believe. At least temporarily.

It’s hard to understand how and why someone could hurt us so deeply. Underlying hurt feelings, along with those of disappointment and betrayal, can all trigger anger. Acknowledge the feelings of pain, betrayal, and disappointment. Work on accepting that if someone is narcissistic, they honestly cannot behave any differently. Without a desire or motivation to change, they will not change. Unfair as it feels, the changes must come from you.

8. Weak boundaries

If we have weak boundaries or don’t enforce the boundaries we have, the more likely we are to react in anger when our boundaries are challenged or violated.

You are worthy of love and respect simply because you exist. If you’re in a situation where you’re treated unlovingly or disrespectfully, you will feel angry or resentful. You may not understand why. It’s because you’re not being validated. Here we are, back to validation again. As I mentioned in number 6 above, when we don’t feel good about ourselves or have low self-esteem or have a weak sense of worth, we will look for validation and approval from others. Validation is a basic human need. If someone’s invalidation triggers your anger, look into self-empowerment and ways of developing a stronger sense of self, self-worth, and self-confidence. When you value yourself and can validate yourself, it’s less likely that another’s lack of validation will trigger you.

By taking the time to understand where your anger comes from, you’ll learn a lot about yourself and begin to heal your triggers. You’ll begin feeling a new sense of peace and calm. When someone or something triggers you, you’ll consciously understand what’s happening and be able to deal with it accordingly. You’ll feel in control of your feelings instead of like your feelings are controlling you. This is called “emotional regulation.”

Will all of your triggers eventually be healed? Probably not. I say this because you’re alive, having new experiences, and developing new triggers throughout life. Discovering and healing triggers is a life-long process. It’s just part of good self-care!

Sometimes all it takes is awareness of what’s happening “behind the scenes” to uncover an unknown trigger. Sometimes when I notice a trigger being activated, I think, “I’m being triggered right now.” It’s often enough to shut down a potentially ugly scenario and maintain my emotional control. With some practice, you’ll begin noticing your triggers and responding to them in a different, healthier way. You’ll begin seeing your anger as a tool for deeper self-understanding.

Learn More: Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism

References:

Beck, A.T. (2008). The evolution of the cognitive model of depression and its neurobiological correlates. American Journal of Psychiatry, 165, 969-977.

Gross J.J (2014). Handbook of Emotion Regulation. 2nd ed. New York: Guilford Press.

Metcalf, D. (2020) Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism

Plassmann, H., O’Doherty, J., Shiv, B., & Rangel, A. (2008). Marketing actions can modulate neural representations of experienced pleasantness. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences (USA),105(3), 1050–1054.

Solomon, R.C. (2007). True to our feelings: What our emotions are really telling us. New York: Oxford University Press.

Tools for healing

Learn about dysfunctional family roles

Learn about codependency 

Learn coping skills for the holidays and family visits

Learn why what you tell yourself matters

Learn why verbal abuse hurts us

Learn how to protect yourself with boundaries 

Learn about the narcissistic abuse cycle

Join the Free Email Survival Course:

Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.

Private Facebook group included for members only.

Join the Waitlist!

When someone’s vibe feels “icky,” or they have “unusual” personality quirks, would you know if they are genuine warning signs or if you could be in danger?

Coming Fall/Winter 2023

Icks, Personality Quirks, or Warning Signs? How to Know the Difference, by Diane Metcalf

Sign up for exclusive access to free chapters, progress, contests, and launch team, and be notified when it’s available!

Discover the Secrets of Identifying Danger

Have you been caught off guard by toxic individuals?
Want to enhance your ability to spot warning signs and protect yourself from emotional mistreatment and abuse? Look no further!

This upcoming book delves deep into the complexities of human behavior, guiding you through the maze of narcissists, psychopaths, manipulators, liars, and self-absorbed individuals.
Learn the crucial skills to differentiate between harmless eccentricities and genuine red flags.

Feel empowered to rescue, protect and heal yourself from their mistreatment or abuse

I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self, Workbook and Journal, by Diane Metcalf

Experience the power of self-affirmation: using positive statements to improve well-being and performance. Learn research-based steps to write the most effective affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things.

Get it Here:

Author’s Site: Free Shipping

Barnes and Noble

Amazon

Browse the Positivity Shop

Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism, by Diane Metcalf

For as long as I can remember, there was something “different” about my mother. She wasn’t like other mothers.

My mom didn’t hug or kiss, smile at, spend time with, or play with me. She never seemed happy to see me. She didn’t ask about my school day and wasn’t interested in knowing my friends. She seemed to have no interest in me or anything that I did. My mom called me hurtful names and obscenities, and at times, she ignored me, not speaking to me for days, weeks, or even months. When she felt sad I was expected to emotionally care-take her. When she didn’t feel like parenting, I was responsible for my siblings. When she lost her temper she hit. When I was disobedient, there were bizarre punishments.

I was not allowed to express feelings, ask questions, or show initiative or curiosity. My feelings were discounted, minimized, or invalidated. She re-wrote my memories, and I was expected to believe her version. I was to obey, stay quiet, and not question.

If any of this sounds familiar, you are not alone. If there is manipulation, power struggles, or cruelty in your relationship, this book can help. If you second-guess your memory, doubt your judgment or sanity, or continually seek your mother’s withheld affection, attention, approval, or love, this book can explain why.

Learn More

or

Get it Here:

Author’s Site: Free Shipping

Barnes and Noble

Amazon

Get the TOOLBOX posts twice monthly in your inbox!

About the Author

Drawing from her personal experiences of growing up in a dysfunctional household, Diane Metcalf has developed effective coping and healing strategies. With the assistance of professional therapists and mindful personal growth, she has honed her skills and now happily shares them with others who are interested in learning and growing.

As an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer, Diane is well-versed in topics such as narcissism, family dysfunction, abuse, and recognizing warning signs. Her extensive knowledge is drawn not only from her personal experiences, but also from her work in human service fields, including domestic violence, partner abuse, and court advocacy. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.

Diane’s transformational books on healing and personal growth, such as the highly acclaimed “Lemon Moms” series, offer emotional support and guidance in understanding narcissistic traits and healing past wounds. Her approach emphasizes self-awareness, intention, self-care, and establishing healthy boundaries as essential components in the healing process.

Learn more about the Lemon Moms series: Lemon Moms

See what’s happening on DianeMetcalf.com

This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

Quick document links

There’s growing evidence that our body’s own electrical and magnetic energy can stimulate chemical processes that influence our health and well-being. “Vibrational medicine,” also called energy medicine, strives to use the energy generated by and around a person’s body to optimize their health. So, the Law of Attraction is backed by science.

Affirmations and the Law of Attraction

Affirmations are positive statements made in the present tense that impact our conscious and subconscious minds. By saying them regularly, we can raise our vibrational frequency. The Law of Attraction states that “like attracts like.” Therefore, when you begin vibrating in a higher, more positive frequency, you will start attracting higher-vibrational people and opportunities into your life.

Positive affirmations are a “self-talk approach” for creating a positive, motivating outlook on life while becoming your authentic self. We are more easily able to connect with our authentic selves when our vibrations are high. Unfortunately, unhealthy, unsupportive inner dialogue can remain our default mode when we are not vibrating highly.

But what is a vibration? How do you know if you are vibrating highly or not? Well, everything has a vibrational frequency. Quantum physics can illustrate this, but all that’s really required is remembering the basics.

Remember learning about atoms and molecules in school? Atoms and molecules come together to create matter as solids, liquids, or gases. Atoms, the smallest indivisible units of matter, are made of energy and are constantly vibrating. Since atoms are made of vibrating energy, and all matter is made of atoms, all matter is made of energy, and all matter is vibrating. You don’t have to see vibrations to know they’re there. Have you ever walked into a room and felt its vibe? If you have, you’ve intuitively sensed whether the people in the room were getting along, were uncomfortable, excited, sad, or happy. When you walk into a room, and it “feels” a certain way, you’ve picked up on its vibration. And when you meet a person and immediately feel connected, it’s because you are most likely vibrating similarly!

Our vibrations are continually changing, shifting with our moods, health, and according to the energy that surrounds us.

We can choose whether we would like to vibrate higher or lower than our current state of being. When you vibrate at a lower frequency, it feels heavy, and when you’re vibrating at a higher frequency, you feel lighter, at ease, happy, and at peace. Vibrating at a higher frequency feels good! Focusing on that which brings us joy and happiness raises our vibrational frequency, and when we get ourselves into a higher vibration, we let go of that which no longer serves us.

When you begin releasing everything that weighs you down to maintain a higher frequency or vibration, you will experience more positive emotions. Feeling good will be your default state of being.

To help you better understand how your feelings vibrate, Abraham-Hicks has created the “emotional guidance scale” below. The feelings listed are ranked from highest to lowest vibrating. They give an idea of how you might be vibrating at any given time:

• Joy/apprehension/empowerment/freedom/love
• Passion
• Enthusiasm/eagerness/happiness
• Positive expectations/belief
• Optimism
• Hopefulness
• Contentment
• Boredom
• Pessimism
• Frustration/irritation/impatience
• Overwhelm
• Disappointment
• Doubt
• Worry
• Blame
• Discouragement
• Anger
• Revenge
• Hatred/rage
• Jealousy
• Insecurity/guilt/unworthiness
• Fear/grief/depression/despair/powerlessness

Affirmations raise your vibration when you’re stuck in a low vibrational pattern like fear, worry, anxiety, doubt, and powerlessness. They are a powerful tool for manifesting change and lifting your attitude at the same time. Speaking positive affirmations is one of the quickest ways to raise your vibration!

As you continue to use affirmations, your vibration will increase, and you’ll notice that you feel happier and more peaceful.  You’ll begin to attain your goals, fulfill your desires, and attract the people and experiences you want.

Let’s Get High

When we hold highly vibrating thoughts, feelings and behaviors, we naturally start to vibrate accordingly. When we vibrate at a higher frequency, we feel a sense of peace and connectedness to everything. We worry less because we’re confident, knowing everything in life is as it should be, and getting better in every way.

By speaking affirmations every day, you’ll become consciously aware of your thoughts, attitudes, choices, and behaviors. You’ll notice where changes are happening and where changes still need to happen. You’ll feel more positive energy, and you’ll attract more positivity in the form of people and opportunities.

Additional benefits:

Mindfulness

When implementing any change, you must be aware of the change you want to make throughout the day, every day, for it to be successful. You must intentionally commit to making the change every day.

What do you want to change about yourself? Do you have personality traits or characteristics that you don’t like, criticize, judge, or loathe? Maybe you have habits or perceived shortcomings that you’d like to give up?  Is there an aspect of your life that you want to develop? Your answers to questions like these can give you ideas about the kinds of positive affirmations that you can create.

Thoughts Become Things

When we hold low vibrational thoughts and beliefs, we lower our vibration, inevitably hampering our affirmation’s likelihood of success. This is because our subconscious minds accept any repeated declaration as truth, even when these affirmations are negative. Be aware of your negative thoughts.

We use affirmations to change the way we think about ourselves. Affirmations remind us of our highest potential, and our vibrational frequency must increase to match that potential. You must raise your vibration to align with your goals when you’re manifesting your best life.

We know that affirmations are more likely to work when they vibrate highly. That’s because highly vibrating affirmations attract what we’ve always wanted but believed we couldn’t have. If your affirmations don’t vibrate highly, rewrite them.

When you’ve learned how to write and use affirmations correctly, you will start manifesting your goals. As your vibration increases, you’ll become aware of your daily thoughts and practices, and you’ll begin living in alignment with the life you’re trying to create.

As you write and speak your affirmations, focus on gratitude, love (including self-love), optimism, and spiritual guidance. This practice will further increase your vibrational frequency.

After you write an affirmation, take a look at it, say it, and see how it feels. It should vibrate highly. Keep working on it until it does.

To achieve the life you want, you will need to write robust, highly vibrating affirmations and believe these declarations to be already true. If you don’t write your affirmations correctly, saying them can be an absolute waste of time. Find out more about how to write affirmations that work in Lemon Moms Life-Altering Affirmations: Change your self-talk, change yourSELF.

Tools for healing

Learn about dysfunctional family roles

Learn about codependency 

Learn coping skills for the holidays and family visits

Learn why what you tell yourself matters

Learn why verbal abuse hurts us

Learn how to protect yourself with boundaries 

Learn about the narcissistic abuse cycle

Learn about Narcissism Awareness Grief

Join the Free Email Survival Course:

Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.

Private Facebook group included for members only.

Join the Waitlist!

When someone’s vibe feels “icky,” or they have “unusual” personality quirks, would you know if they are genuine warning signs or if you could be in danger?

Coming Fall/Winter 2023

Icks, Personality Quirks, or Warning Signs? How to Know the Difference, by Diane Metcalf

Sign up for exclusive access to free chapters, progress, contests, and launch team, and be notified when it’s available!

Discover the Secrets of Identifying Danger

Have you been caught off guard by toxic individuals?
Want to enhance your ability to spot warning signs and protect yourself from emotional mistreatment and abuse? Look no further!

This upcoming book delves deep into the complexities of human behavior, guiding you through the maze of narcissists, psychopaths, manipulators, liars, and self-absorbed individuals.
Learn the crucial skills to differentiate between harmless eccentricities and genuine red flags.

Feel empowered to rescue, protect and heal yourself from their mistreatment or abuse

I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self, Workbook and Journal, by Diane Metcalf

Experience the power of self-affirmation: using positive statements to improve well-being and performance. Learn research-based steps to write the most effective affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things.

Get it Here:

Author’s Site: Free Shipping

Barnes and Noble

Amazon

Browse the Positivity Shop

Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism, by Diane Metcalf

For as long as I can remember, there was something “different” about my mother. She wasn’t like other mothers.

My mom didn’t hug or kiss, smile at, spend time with, or play with me. She never seemed happy to see me. She didn’t ask about my school day and wasn’t interested in knowing my friends. She seemed to have no interest in me or anything that I did. My mom called me hurtful names and obscenities, and at times, she ignored me, not speaking to me for days, weeks, or even months. When she felt sad I was expected to emotionally care-take her. When she didn’t feel like parenting, I was responsible for my siblings. When she lost her temper she hit. When I was disobedient, there were bizarre punishments.

I was not allowed to express feelings, ask questions, or show initiative or curiosity. My feelings were discounted, minimized, or invalidated. She re-wrote my memories, and I was expected to believe her version. I was to obey, stay quiet, and not question.

If any of this sounds familiar, you are not alone. If there is manipulation, power struggles, or cruelty in your relationship, this book can help. If you second-guess your memory, doubt your judgment or sanity, or continually seek your mother’s withheld affection, attention, approval, or love, this book can explain why.

Learn More

or

Get it Here:

Author’s Site: Free Shipping

Barnes and Noble

Amazon

Get the TOOLBOX posts twice monthly in your inbox!

About the Author

Drawing from her personal experiences of growing up in a dysfunctional household, Diane Metcalf has developed effective coping and healing strategies. With the assistance of professional therapists and mindful personal growth, she has honed her skills and now happily shares them with others who are interested in learning and growing.

As an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer, Diane is well-versed in topics such as narcissism, family dysfunction, abuse, and recognizing warning signs. Her extensive knowledge is drawn not only from her personal experiences, but also from her work in human service fields, including domestic violence, partner abuse, and court advocacy. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.

Diane’s transformational books on healing and personal growth, such as the highly acclaimed “Lemon Moms” series, offer emotional support and guidance in understanding narcissistic traits and healing past wounds. Her approach emphasizes self-awareness, intention, self-care, and establishing healthy boundaries as essential components in the healing process.

Learn more about the Lemon Moms series: Lemon Moms

See what’s happening on DianeMetcalf.com

This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.