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What a Lack of Empathy Looks Like

Narcissists’ emotions are often unstable, intense, and out of proportion to the situation. They are often described as being “challenging” to interact with. They can be defensive, envious, manipulative, and condescending, and they believe they “know everything.” It is crucial for them to appear as prestigious, powerful, and superior. They’re extremely susceptible to criticism and shame and protect their sense of self, the false face/false self, at any cost, including using aggression or physical abuse.

In previous posts, I talked about the importance of validation for healthy communication. Validating others in a conversation shows that you are listening and want to understand their feelings and perspectives, even when you disagree. Because narcissists need to feel superior and “right” in every situation, they’re not interested in hearing or understanding your point of view. This, combined with their lack of empathy, means that a narcissist will not be able to validate you.

Narcissists believe that every nasty thing they do is justified or is someone else’s fault. They can’t experience remorse because remorsefulness requires empathy, sympathy, and taking responsibility for actions.

They don’t feel guilt, and so will not apologize for their actions. To feel guilty, one must feel both empathy and remorse and also own up to hurtful actions. These are all outside of a narcissist’s emotional skillset.

Narcissism has no known cure, but those on the narcissism spectrum don’t usually seek therapy because they don’t think they need it. If they seek treatment, it’s generally because it’s been requested (or mandated) by a third party or is personally sought because of interpersonal or professional difficulty or conflict.

NPD Personality Traits

Narcissists hold a distorted self-image and have “high-conflict” personalities. They do things that most of us would not, such as thoughtlessly spending other people’s money, humiliating a child in public, sabotaging a coworker, or verbally attacking a stranger (Eddy 2018).

They consider themselves superior and are comfortable with “putting down,” insulting, and demeaning others in order to feel powerful or boost their self-image. They tend to be selfish and do not reciprocate kind gestures or invitations. They’re demanding, needing almost constant admiration and attention from anyone in their vicinity (this is called obtaining narcissistic supply).

Additionally, they waste time trying to impress anyone who will listen. They break promises, make excuses, and take credit for others’ ideas or work. They enjoy bullying and are willing to speak disapprovingly of someone behind their back but only have positive things to say in their presence. All of these traits can make narcissists exhausting for those of us who live and work with them.

So Why is Empathy Important?

When talking about narcissism, it’s important to understand what the term “empathy” means and the role it plays in a narcissist’s relationship dynamics. A lack of empathy can be described as “unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others.” This lack is a characteristic of narcissism. The lack of empathy is a big red flag.

In the field of social psychology, it is understood that there are two kinds of empathy: cognitive and emotional. When we feel an emotion that someone else is feeling, it is emotional empathy, the ability to put ourselves in another person’s place and feel what they’re feeling. If you see someone crying, and it makes you feel sad, you’re experiencing emotional empathy.

What Does Emotional Empathy Require?

To feel emotional empathy, a person must have the ability to:

1. Feel the same emotion as another person (for example, seeing someone embarrass themselves and feeling embarrassed for them.)
2. Feel distressed in response to another person’s feelings
3. Feel compassion for another person

Feeling emotional empathy can be extremely distressing. When we feel pain resulting from somebody else’s emotions, it can shake us. There’s also a balance to be sought and maintained when it comes to feeling for others. We can’t allow our empathy for others to negatively impact our own lives.

Narcissists are more likely to use cognitive empathy rather than emotional empathy. It’s essential to understand the difference (Baskin-Sommers, Krusemark, and Ronningstam 2014).

Cognitive empathy is the ability to have an intellectual understanding that someone may be feeling a particular emotion while not feeling anything in response to this knowledge. Narcissists are able to see another’s perspective and respond in a manner that most benefits them. This requires a rudimentary understanding and basic knowledge of emotions (Hodges and Myers, 2007).

When a narcissist uses a simple visual perspective to guess what someone’s feeling, they’re using cognitive empathy. In other words, if they can look at a person and notice that their eyes are swollen and red, probably from crying, they may correctly guess that the person is feeling sad. This type of empathy has nothing to do with actually feeling anything themselves. So, if a narcissist knows someone well enough, they can guess how that person feels, and they’ll also have a pretty good idea of how to use that information to hurt that individual too.

Daniel Goleman (author of the book “Emotional Intelligence”), writes in his blog that torturers need to have a good sense of cognitive empathy to figure out how to hurt a person best.

Similarly, if a narcissist acts kindly, they may be feeling around for hopes, wishes, and dreams to use later to inflict pain intentionally. They can’t understand how we feel, but they know that they’re in control at that moment and have the power to hurt us.

A notable point of interest here is the consideration of an “empathy gene.” The gene was first referenced in research published in Translational Psychiatry on March 12, 2018, and is said to be the most extensive genetic study done on empathy to date. The study found that our degree of empathy is at least partly due to genetics.

How the False Face Imitates Empathy

The false face can imitate emotions and empathy, which is great for narcissists because they appear to be kind, caring, and compassionate. But secretly, the false face is threatened by anything perceived as criticism, and narcissists are terribly concerned with how other’s think about and understand them. The false self is typically anxious, judgmental, and insecure overall. At the same time, it believes it is more acceptable and lovable than the real self. Narcissists don’t like themselves and can’t accept their authentic selves.

Because the false face allows narcissists to appear kind, compassionate, and empathetic, they’re highly invested in preserving this image. It’s important for them to keep the false face intact and “on” at any cost. The people in a narcissist’s environment will always serve as a form of narcissistic supply, manipulated into feeding this false image, enabling the charade to continue.

Most narcissists will never know whether they’re on the NPD spectrum or have full-blown NPD because they don’t seek treatment and will never benefit from a professional diagnosis. They believe their problems are caused by others and don’t accept personal responsibility. They are blamers, so they are not able to see their own role in any of their interpersonal problems.

Tools to Move Forward

Learn about codependency and unhealthy survival skills learned in childhood

Understand Narcissism Awareness Grief

Understand the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle

Learn to set boundaries

Learn about dysfunctional family roles

Find out what trauma does to your brain

Understand Cognitive Dissonance

Take the Adverse Childhood Experiences Quiz

More Resources You May Like:

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I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self, Workbook and Journal, by Diane Metcalf

Experience the power of self-affirmation: using positive statements to improve well-being and performance. Learn research-based steps to write the most effective affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things.

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Author’s Site: Free Shipping

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Browse the Positivity Shop

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About the Author

Drawing from her personal experiences of growing up in a dysfunctional household, Diane Metcalf has developed effective coping and healing strategies. With the assistance of professional therapists and mindful personal growth, she has honed her skills and now happily shares them with others who are interested in learning and growing.

As an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer, Diane is well-versed in topics such as narcissism, family dysfunction, abuse, and recognizing warning signs. Her extensive knowledge is drawn not only from her personal experiences, but also from her work in human service fields, including domestic violence, partner abuse, and court advocacy. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.

Diane’s transformational books on healing and personal growth, such as the highly acclaimed “Lemon Moms” series, offer emotional support and guidance in understanding narcissistic traits and healing past wounds. Her approach emphasizes self-awareness, intention, self-care, and establishing healthy boundaries as essential components in the healing process.

Learn more about the Lemon Moms series: Lemon Moms

See what’s happening on DianeMetcalf.com

This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

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What Happens When a Caregiver is Emotionally Unstable

If a parent or caregiver is emotionally unstable, the children will experience almost daily drama and chaos, along with the resulting feelings of insecurity, instability, and fear. If a parent or caregiver is threatening, angry, or verbally abusive, the child’s role in the family will frequently change according to that parent’s current emotional state. All children in the home will take turns being devalued or idealized by the unstable parent. These dynamics mean that everyone in the family “revolves around” the explosive or unstable parent, trying to keep them calm. This is often achieved by hypervigilance; monitoring the parents’ moods, and doing whatever pleases them in order to hold off an unprovoked attack or to remain in good standing for as long as possible (see dysfunctional family roles). Every child responds to this chaos and uncertainty in their own unique way, possibly developing feelings of anger or becoming rebellious or violent. Some feel defeated and give up, becoming withdrawn or depressed, or self-isolating. And others feel a deep sense of shame for not being “good enough,” eroding their self-confidence and self-esteem. They are the shy, quiet ones.

The feelings of inadequacy that stem from “not being good enough” to receive unconditional love from a parent may be the catalyst for developing a “false self.” Learning to hide “faults” by developing a false self, and adopting the values and characteristics of the narcissistic parent, may contribute to kids becoming narcissists themselves (Greenberg 2016).

Narcissists enjoy believing they’re superior, smarter, and better at everything than everyone else. This is one of the reasons they’re often defensive and become angered so easily and quickly. If you challenge a narcissist, there will usually be undesirable repercussions, and children of narcissists understand this very well.

Needless to say, narcissistic parents are not healthy role models for their children. They have no problem with using foul language in front of or even directed at their children. They may make age-inappropriate adult or sexual comments, inferences, or jokes in front of or to their children. They generally behave immaturely and impulsively and may openly express their addictions. They may also violate laws in front of the children.

Narcissistic parents are oblivious to the damage they inflict by exposing their children to inappropriate situations and behavior. They’re not self-aware enough to see how their actions affect others (see Traits of a Narcissistic Mother.)

Becoming Codependent

Codependency is a survival skill set that children may develop when living in these kinds of conditions. Codependent skills are developed from necessity. Codependency ensures survival and safety in a potentially dangerous situation. It provides a sense of security, a type of self-esteem or purpose, and a means to obtain love or affection. Using codependent coping skills makes it possible for any child living with a narcissistic caregiver to deal with their chaotic, confusing, and often hurtful home environment.

As children, if we were caretakers for our mothers (or others’) emotional or physical well-being, we likely matured quickly and took on responsibilities that were not age-appropriate or even our own. When it felt physically or emotionally unsafe to be around our parents or caregivers, we learned to tiptoe around their instability, trying not to upset them, in order to feel safe. We learned to make ourselves “invisible” and live under the radar. We monitored moods and responded accordingly. We noticed behavioral patterns, and we became very good at predicting behavior. We learned how to take the initiative in making life easier or better for them so that we could feel a sense of stability, security, and safety for ourselves. We became accustomed to doing things for others that they could do for themselves. We became watchers and doers. We became codependent.

Forming Healthy Adult Relationships

It is necessary for children to develop a healthy sense of self, a foundation for forming healthy adult relationships later. To do this, they must feel safe in their caregiver relationships. When children don’t have mentally healthy caregivers, they don’t learn or develop healthy relationship skills to equip themselves for adulthood. Instead, they imitate family members’ maladaptive skills, such as using manipulation, physical aggression, violence, threats, and substances, which do more harm than good.

If we became codependent as children, we can heal as adults. We can do all of the things for ourselves that our caregivers could not or did not do. We can reinvent ourselves and move forward. We can learn to affirm and validate ourselves, and we can develop high self-esteem and self-confidence. We can begin to trust our minds and our memories. We can learn to recognize unhealthy or mentally ill people and steer clear. We can set boundaries. We can use our voices to empower ourselves. We can find our lost authentic selves and reclaim our lives.

Tools for Healing

Learn about the narcissistic abuse cycle

Learn about dysfunctional family roles

Learn more about codependency 

Learn why what you tell yourself matters

Learn why verbal abuse hurts us

Learn about attachment styles

Learn how to protect yourself with boundaries 

More Resources You May Like:

Join the Free Email Survival Course:

Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.

Private Facebook group included for members only.

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I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self, Workbook and Journal, by Diane Metcalf

Experience the power of self-affirmation: using positive statements to improve well-being and performance. Learn research-based steps to write the most effective affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things.

Get it Here:

Author’s Site: Free Shipping

Barnes and Noble

Amazon

Browse the Positivity Shop

Get the TOOLBOX posts twice monthly in your inbox!

About the Author

Drawing from her personal experiences of growing up in a dysfunctional household, Diane Metcalf has developed effective coping and healing strategies. With the assistance of professional therapists and mindful personal growth, she has honed her skills and now happily shares them with others who are interested in learning and growing.

As an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer, Diane is well-versed in topics such as narcissism, family dysfunction, abuse, and recognizing warning signs. Her extensive knowledge is drawn not only from her personal experiences, but also from her work in human service fields, including domestic violence, partner abuse, and court advocacy. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.

Diane’s transformational books on healing and personal growth, such as the highly acclaimed “Lemon Moms” series, offer emotional support and guidance in understanding narcissistic traits and healing past wounds. Her approach emphasizes self-awareness, intention, self-care, and establishing healthy boundaries as essential components in the healing process.

Learn more about the Lemon Moms series: Lemon Moms

See what’s happening on DianeMetcalf.com

This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

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For decades I struggled physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally with the realization that I had a mother who chose solely minimal involvement with me since I was a child. She was often hurtful, spiteful, and mean-spirited. The continual emotional abandonment that I felt during those years was real. Throughout, I continually longed for and chased after her ever-withheld love, affection, and acceptance. I felt like I was lost in the woods, wandering a deep, dark, dangerous forest, unable to find my way home for so very long. Subsequently, I mourned the loss of my mother decades ago when she was very much alive. There are no more tears left to shed.

When I could accept that I was only as valuable to my mother as the things I could do or provide for her, I began to deal with the core problem: my codependency. Finally, I found the path and began reversing the codependent thoughts and behaviors. It literally changed everything.

If you’ve read my book Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism, you already know that my mother had many narcissistic traits. Among other types of controlling behavior, she often used fear of abandonment to manipulate me as a child. She threatened to give me away to strangers, put me in an orphanage, or send me to live with my father, whom she repeatedly said: “didn’t love us or want anything to do with us.”

And so, because I didn’t want to lose my home, I constantly feared doing the “right thing,” whatever the right thing was at any particular time. “The right thing” could and did change without warning, so I needed to remain constantly alert for changes in her tone of voice, behavior, and in our overall home environment. As a result, I learned to continually take her “emotional temperature” to keep myself safe.

My mom parented by blaming, shaming, intimidating, threatening, and physically punishing. In the earliest years, I learned that I was somehow to blame for everything that displeased her. Second-guessing and doubting myself became a way of life. I felt like a burden, believing that I made her life harder simply because I existed. I stayed out of her way as much as possible.

I felt lonely and alone because there was no one to talk with about this way of life. Most of the people I knew could only see my mother’s public “false face,” so they thought she was a wonderful mother and human being. Only those of us who lived with her saw both faces, the real and the false. Only those of us who lived with her experienced her true self.

Words Matter

My mother shared her thoughts and feelings with me in frightening, highly emotionally charged, biased, and inappropriate ways when I was a young child. Gaslighting and the resulting cognitive dissonance distorted my perceptions and reality. Her behavior initiated my codependency, and her words guaranteed it.

There were no boundaries in our home, but there was lots of name-calling, invalidation, uncommunicated expectations, and neglect. I stayed up as late as I wanted. I was expected to care for my younger siblings and was blamed and sometimes punished for their misbehavior.

I was not allowed to express my feelings openly, ask questions, or show initiative or curiosity. My emotions were discounted, minimized, or invalidated. Asking questions or taking action meant I was challenging my mother, and that was not tolerated. She rewrote my memories, and I was expected to believe her version. I was to obey, stay quiet and not question.

My mom called me hurtful names and obscenities, and at times, as a form of punishment, she ignored me, not speaking to me for days, weeks, or even months.

Awakening

Reading, researching, and working with various therapists eventually led me into Narcissism Awareness Grief, a term coined by Dr. Christine Hammond. Narcissism Awareness Grief begins when you become aware of someone’s narcissistic traits and realize how they have negatively impacted you. Using this new lens; looking at my past in terms of my mother’s narcissistic traits, I re-examined my childhood experiences. I saw how those long ago, unhealed traumatic incidents affected my current adult relationships. I set out to learn the things I should have learned as a child, like how to trust, validate and affirm myself. Like how to calm my nervous system and stop the hypervigilance. I discovered and learned how to control my triggers. I healed my cognitive dissonance and C-PTSD symptoms and taught my inner child to trust. I replaced codependent coping and thinking with healthy coping and thinking. In the process, I discovered and uncovered my true, authentic self. I found my voice and finally spoke my truth without feeling shame. I felt whole and worthy for the first time in my life.

So as I come to terms with the finality of my mother’s death and the end of our painful relationship, I feel grateful for my recovery work, my therapists and teachers, my inner child, my higher power, and especially my authentic self. I know she will always be truthful, supportive, validating, and affirming. She will always have my back.

I’m here. I’m alive. I’m grateful. I’m ready.

How to know if you’re feeling Narcissism Awareness Grief

Tools for Healing

Learn about dysfunctional family roles

Understand the Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse

Learn about setting boundaries 

Learn about codependency and maladaptive coping skills

Learn about Narcissism Awareness Grief

Let go of what you can’t control using loving-detachment

Learn about expectations

Conscious awareness:  Be aware and make conscious choices before acting. Self-awareness releases us from making impulsive and potentially damaging decisions.

Self-care: We are in control of ourselves, and no one is responsible for us but us. We can only choose to focus on and be responsible for ourselves, our own thoughts, actions, and behavior. We can change ourselves with patience, persistence, and practice. When we take responsibility for getting our needs met, instead of waiting for someone to change or meet our needs for us, we are healing.

More Resources You May Like:

Join the Free Email Survival Course:

Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.

Private Facebook group included for members only.

Get the TOOLBOX APP

for instant information, support, and validation!

I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self, Workbook and Journal, by Diane Metcalf

Experience the power of self-affirmation: using positive statements to improve well-being and performance. Learn research-based steps to write the most effective affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things.

Get it Here:

Author’s Site: Free Shipping

Barnes and Noble

Amazon

Browse the Positivity Shop

Get the TOOLBOX posts twice monthly in your inbox!

About the Author

Drawing from her personal experiences of growing up in a dysfunctional household, Diane Metcalf has developed effective coping and healing strategies. With the assistance of professional therapists and mindful personal growth, she has honed her skills and now happily shares them with others who are interested in learning and growing.

As an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer, Diane is well-versed in topics such as narcissism, family dysfunction, abuse, and recognizing warning signs. Her extensive knowledge is drawn not only from her personal experiences, but also from her work in human service fields, including domestic violence, partner abuse, and court advocacy. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.

Diane’s transformational books on healing and personal growth, such as the highly acclaimed “Lemon Moms” series, offer emotional support and guidance in understanding narcissistic traits and healing past wounds. Her approach emphasizes self-awareness, intention, self-care, and establishing healthy boundaries as essential components in the healing process.

Learn more about the Lemon Moms series: Lemon Moms

See what’s happening on DianeMetcalf.com

This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

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What is a Trauma Bond?

Trauma bonds occur over time through the use of “intermittent reinforcement,” which is a type of behavioral “conditioning” where a reward (or a punishment) is given irregularly instead of every time the desired behavior is observed. In other words, periods of abuse are interspersed with periods of kindness (or the absence of cruelty). This cycle of “always guessing” keeps the target on high alert in survival mode. They never know when the abuser will be cruel or kind. It’s like a game of chance, like playing slot machines or Bingo. Sometimes you win, and sometimes you lose, but it’s the possibility of winning that keeps you going back for more.

How are Trauma Bonds Created?

Trauma bonds are created in several ways:

Love bombing: The love bombing dynamic occurs when a narcissist, including narcissistic mothers, unexpectedly showers you with love, attention, kindness, or affection. Love bombing comes in various forms—gift-giving, forgiveness for past “offenses,” anything that makes you feel validated or special. Love bombing helps form a trauma bond because it’s a form of intermittent reinforcement: you never know when it will happen.

Verbal abuse: Shouting, name-calling, sarcastic comments, character assassination, backhanded compliments, insults, demeaning remarks, “put-downs,” and shaming are some examples of verbal abuse. The abuse happens on an irregular schedule, so it’s a form of intermittent reinforcement (spoken cruelty interspersed with periods of civility and kindness.) The resulting shame causes a trauma bond.

Positive reinforcement: Although it sounds healthy, positive reinforcement can also create trauma bonds. When a person (including children) is rewarded for doing something they didn’t want to do or obeying without question, there’s a trauma bond created. Healthy relationships don’t require rewards.

Victim blaming: When a narcissist blames their target (or the narcissist mother blames her child) for the cruelty inflicted upon them, they will likely believe they deserve it because they’ve been conditioned to. This belief establishes a trauma bond.

Silent treatment: When a narcissist purposefully ignores you, that causes feelings of helplessness, anxiety, and fear of abandonment. Having no control over the situation, you’ll focus on the narcissist and wait for their acceptance, however long it takes.

“Moving goalposts” (aka changing the goal): Narcissists often redefine or change their expectations, sometimes several times, during any interaction. Doing this ensures a frustrating encounter for those involved. A narcissist (including narcissist mothers) is never satisfied, and keeping you emotionally invested in their happiness creates trauma bonds.

If you struggle with narcissistic abuse syndrome you’ll often doubt your self-worth and sanity. Targets of narcissistic abuse tend to focus on their faults, failures, and inadequacies, whether they’re real or not. Sometimes these “deficiencies” began as an idea expressed by the vocal narcissist.

There are several symptoms of narcissistic abuse syndrome. Many of these are the same as those of complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD,) which affects people who’ve experienced serious traumas.

Symptoms of Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome

• Accepting an imbalanced sense of responsibility
• Intrusive, or unwanted thoughts
• Unhealed triggers (physical and emotional responses to similar past traumatic situations)
• Flashbacks or nightmares where the target emotionally re-lives a traumatic experience
• Avoiding people, places, or conditions linked to the narcissist or the traumatic event
• Feeling isolated, abandoned, or detached.
• Feeling alert or hyper-vigilant, or easily startled (“fight or flight”)
• Negative thoughts about self and the world
• Insecurity
• Shame
• Accepting misplaced blame
• Difficulty concentrating or sleeping
• Depression
• Self-destructive behaviors
• Involvement in abusive romantic relationships
• Lost trust in family or friends
• Feeling worthless or unworthy
• Lost sense of self
• Holding the narcissist in high esteem
• Doubting their judgment and decision-making skills
• Ignoring their own needs
• Devaluing or minimizing their contributions to relationships
• Making excuses for a narcissist’s behavior
• Continually trying to please the narcissist
• Attachment issues
• Weak boundaries
• Addictions
• Anxiety
• Perfectionism

If you constantly wonder about your narcissist’s emotional state, for example, what will he/she be like today? Should you try to avoid them? Or do you frequently-

• think about what you could be (or should be) doing differently to please them?
• believe your relationship problems are all your fault?
• deal with mood swings, lost sleep, anxiety, apprehension?

These are all symptoms of Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome, and if you have any of them you may also have trauma bonds. The good news is that you can detach from the abuse and heal. Keep learning and doing the work.

Could you be feeling the effects of Narcissism Awareness Grief? Download the free chapter to find out:

from Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism

Tools for Healing

Learn about setting boundaries 

Learn about codependency and maladaptive coping skills

Understand the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle

Learn how to stop being a source of narcissistic supply

Learn about dysfunctional family roles

Try Expressive Writing

More Resources You May Like:

Join the Free Email Survival Course:

Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.

Private Facebook group included for members only.

Get the TOOLBOX APP

for instant information, support, and validation!

I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self, Workbook and Journal, by Diane Metcalf

Experience the power of self-affirmation: using positive statements to improve well-being and performance. Learn research-based steps to write the most effective affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things.

Get it Here:

Author’s Site: Free Shipping

Barnes and Noble

Amazon

Browse the Positivity Shop

Get the TOOLBOX posts twice monthly in your inbox!

About the Author

Drawing from her personal experiences of growing up in a dysfunctional household, Diane Metcalf has developed effective coping and healing strategies. With the assistance of professional therapists and mindful personal growth, she has honed her skills and now happily shares them with others who are interested in learning and growing.

As an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer, Diane is well-versed in topics such as narcissism, family dysfunction, abuse, and recognizing warning signs. Her extensive knowledge is drawn not only from her personal experiences, but also from her work in human service fields, including domestic violence, partner abuse, and court advocacy. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.

Diane’s transformational books on healing and personal growth, such as the highly acclaimed “Lemon Moms” series, offer emotional support and guidance in understanding narcissistic traits and healing past wounds. Her approach emphasizes self-awareness, intention, self-care, and establishing healthy boundaries as essential components in the healing process.

Learn more about the Lemon Moms series: Lemon Moms

See what’s happening on DianeMetcalf.com

This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

Quick Links

What is codependency?

“Healing may not be so much about getting better, as about letting go of everything that isn’t you- all of the expectations, all of the beliefs – and becoming who you are.” -Rachel Naomi Remen

When we’re children who don’t have mentally healthy role models and caregivers, we don’t learn or develop healthy coping skills to equip ourselves for adulthood. We may also learn codependent behavior from watching or imitating other codependents in our family. And future generations may learn codependent behaviors from us if the cycle isn’t broken.

Codependent relationships often form as the result of trauma bonding between individuals who live in a cycle of abuse or mistreatment. It’s a method of coping with a stressful or unhealthy, traumatic, or abusive environment. Codependency develops as a self-protective response to supporting or “enabling” someone’s addiction, mental illness, immaturity, irresponsibility, or underachievement. It results from taking responsibility, accepting blame, or making excuses for another person’s harmful or hurtful behavior.

Why is codependency something to be healed?

Codependency is a form of self-abandonment. Instead of focusing on our lives, goals, issues, and our “stuff,” we focus on others and look for validation and approval from them. Others’ needs come first, and ours come last. Living like this can cause codependent individuals to become depressed or anxious or experience panic disorders. And because we abandon ourselves, we may doubt ourselves and have low self-esteem, low energy, feelings of helplessness, hopelessness, powerlessness, defeat, and low self-worth. When we have low self-worth, it’s natural to feel that we’re not worthy or good enough to ask for what we want or need. Instead, we might learn to get our needs met by manipulating people or consequences. We may discover that we feel worthy or good enough when we accept responsibilities that aren’t ours. As we mature, in order for us to feel emotionally or physically safe, it can feel natural and necessary for us to control as much of our environment as possible.

When we spend more time emotionally taking care of or focusing on others than ourselves, trying to control their behavior, how they perceive us, or the consequences of their choices, we have become codependent. When we take responsibility, blame, or make excuses for their harmful or hurtful behavior, we have become codependent. When we rely on others for our sense of identity, approval, or validation, we have become codependent. If we are focused on someone’s life, goals, issues, and “stuff” instead of our own, we have become codependent. If their needs come first, and ours come last, we have become codependent.

If you are an “action taker” and a “do-er,” you might be codependent.

The stages of becoming codependent

Codependency exists on a continuum from mild to severe. There are three stages in the development of codependency: the loss of self, the need to appease someone important to us, and the need to control the consequences of the other’s behavior. Let’s talk about each of those.

Loss of self: This early stage of codependency looks like we’re paying an increasing amount of attention to someone else. We may monitor their moods, become hypervigilant, and feel a strong desire to please them. In this phase, we deny or rationalize their problem behaviors and fabricate explanations that maintain our sense of safety. We may endure gaslighting because our focus is on keeping them calm and minimizing verbal or physical attacks or some other problematic behavior. We are as invisible as possible. We learn that we don’t matter.

Need to appease: This stage takes increased effort as we continue denying or minimizing the more painful aspects of a relationship. We likely feel anxious, guilty, and ashamed, but we purposefully hide these feelings from ourselves and others, along with our relationship problems. We may withdraw from other relationships and activities we enjoy. Our self-esteem decreases, and we continue to compromise ourselves to maintain a semblance of stability or predictability. Our focus is on taking someone’s “emotional temperature.” We learn to adjust our behavior and expectations according to what we sense is happening with them. We may feel angry, disappointed, unloved, or unimportant when we’re in this phase of codependency. We may begin using other maladaptive coping behaviors, including eating, bingeing, self-harming, stealing, engaging in risky sexual activity, or abusing substances.

Need to control consequences: In late-stage codependency, emotional and behavioral symptoms start affecting us. We may experience health issues like stomachaches, nightmares, headaches, muscle pain, tension, and TMJ. Self-esteem and self-care are almost nonexistent at this point, replaced by feelings of hopelessness, helplessness, anger, resentment, and overall unhappiness. We may begin to feel more symptoms of C-PTSD if we live with repetitive traumatic events.

When we’re in healthy relationships, we don’t feel obligated to help others avoid their naturally occurring consequences. Instead, both parties understand that outcomes should be experienced by the person who’s responsible for causing them.

Adult children

When we develop codependent coping skills as children, we will more than likely take them with us into adulthood if we haven’t learned better ways of coping. If we became codependent as children, we were probably caretakers for other adults or siblings. We were likely required to mature quickly and take responsibilities that were not age-appropriate. When it felt unsafe for us to be around our caretaker, we learned to tiptoe around the instability. We learned to “put up and shut up.” We monitored moods and responded accordingly, we noticed behavioral patterns, and we became very good at predicting behavior. We learned how to take the initiative in making someone else’s life easier or better so we could feel a sense of stability and safety. We became accustomed to doing things for them and others that they could do for themselves. Controlling our environment became equivalent to feeling safe.

Letting go of and no longer controlling the outcomes and consequences of someone else’s actions are some of the first steps in healing codependency.

As codependent adults, we spend time thinking about how to please and caretake others while our own social, professional, and personal responsibilities get neglected. We continue focusing on others despite the problems it creates. Because we still desire love, connection, and affection, we will continue compromising ourselves, emotionally caretaking and chasing after love and affection while settling for crumbs and feeling unloved, unseen, and not good enough. These behaviors eventually affect our ability to have healthy, mutually satisfying adult relationships. Because we feel confused, distrustful, hesitant, disoriented, and emotionally exhausted, we often find ourselves searching for answers and explanations as to why we feel this way.

We may also seek out individuals who fit with our codependent personalities. Codependency lends itself nicely to all kinds of unhealthy relationships. It wouldn’t be unusual to find ourselves in relationships involving alcoholism, substance abuse, verbal or physical abuse, and mental illness, including narcissism. Those who have experienced childhood trauma or abuse may eventually find themselves in abusive, toxic, or less-than-satisfying adult relationships. It makes sense: this toxic person’s behavior and way of relating to us seem familiar, and we already know our role and what’s expected of us within the relationship.

As codependents, we try to force ourselves painfully into a mold that we will never fit into. And we repeatedly try to become someone else’s idea of who we should be. Not knowing details about yourself that you know about others in your life, like favorite foods, music, authors, etc., is the result of an other-directed, other-focused life.

Codependents enjoy offering suggestions and advice even though they haven’t been asked for them. If we’re codependent, we feel responsible for people and issues that aren’t our responsibility. If we don’t attempt to help, fix, or control, we often feel guilty or ashamed. It feels wrong or selfish when we don’t jump in, take charge, or assist others who seem to be struggling. It feels wrong not to help even when they haven’t asked for our help. We feel that somehow it’s our job to take action, take over, and fix. We often feel the need to make excuses for others’ mistreatment of us or their poor behavior in general. We explain and justify to ourselves why it’s OK for them to do so. We often take the blame or minimize and deny the pain they cause. We codependents are famously known for our discomfort with saying “no.”

If we’re codependent, we most likely don’t have boundaries. We’ll justify, argue, defend, and overexplain because we want to be seen, affirmed, validated, and understood. We’ll continuously seek affirmation outside of ourselves to feel “good enough” or like we matter. Others often describe us as needy, “clingy,” or insecure.

How to know if you’re codependent

Are you codependent?

• Have you taken actions that prevent someone from feeling or experiencing the consequences of their choices?
• Have you tried to control the outcome of a particular situation or event?
• Have you taken responsibility for someone’s actions or poor choices?

When you take responsibility (or accept blame or make excuses) for someone’s harmful or hurtful behavior, it “enables” them to keep doing it. (a) You’ve taken all the responsibility away from them and placed it on yourself, and (b) there are no negative consequences from which they can learn.

• Do you do things for others that they could do for themselves?

Although it often feels right to take care of others, we’re often left feeling taken advantage of or resentful. So, if you feel resentful about something you did or are doing for someone, it might be that you’re using codependent behavior.

• Have I/do I try to manage or control someone or their choices?
• Have I taken on responsibilities that aren’t mine?
• Have I ever been called “controlling” or a “control freak?”
• Do I take care of others by cleaning up their messes, both figuratively and otherwise?

Codependency includes behaviors like the ones listed below. How many of these do you notice in yourself?

• Being preoccupied or concerned with the needs of others
• Placing a low priority on your own needs
• Being attracted to needy or emotionally unavailable people
• Believing that you have to be in a romantic relationship before you your life feels meaningful
• Trying to control another’s behavior
• Feeling incapable of ending a harmful or toxic relationship
• Trying to please everyone even though you know you’ll feel resentful
• Not taking time for yourself or ignoring your self-care
• Fearing for another’s safety but being willing to risk your safety
• Shielding someone from the consequences of their actions
• Taking responsibility for how another person feels
• Taking responsibility for what another person does
• Trying to fix someone’s problem when they haven’t asked you to
• Helping because it makes you feel better
• Feeling like your life is full of unwanted drama

Healing codependency

Healing requires acknowledging your pain without letting it define you. Our wounds have left scars that will always be with us. But when we start healing and moving forward, the scars fade over time, hurting less, becoming less obvious, and we can truly heal and move forward. Healthy coping mechanisms help us to make sense of confusing or threatening life experiences and to respond appropriately in wholesome ways. When we use healthy coping skills, we’re able to “reframe” unpleasant events in a way that is healthier for us and feels better too. Reframing is also a step in the healing process.

When we’re free of codependent thinking and coping, we will understand and accept that we’re separate and complete beings. We have a strong sense of self, and our boundaries are squarely in place. We feel comfortable continuing to set new boundaries that keep us healthy, happy, and safe. We don’t feel any need to justify, explain, or make sense of another person’s behavior to ourselves or anyone else. We understand that others’ choices and actions are their responsibility, not ours. People are entitled to have thoughts and feelings about you that are incorrect. It’s not your job to correct their thinking. They will see you the way they see you. If you argue with them, defend yourself or get emotional, you will become drained while they are being recharged.

Once you have healthy boundaries in place, you will experience a shift in your emotions. You may start to notice that your sense of safety, security, and control, no longer needs to come from people-pleasing and manipulating outcomes. Instead, they’ll come from your boundaries.

Living as a codependent means that we’re not going to get our needs met, yet asking for anything on our own behalf feels wrong, imposing, excessive, or selfish. We’re afraid of dissatisfying others. If we disappoint anyone, it often leads to feeling guilt and shame, yet we continually look for someone to please. We make excuses for their poor behavior or mistreatment of us, minimizing the pain they cause. Holding on to this mindset and behavior pattern will attract dysfunctional people to us.

It helps to take a pretty deep and fearless dive into what’s actually going on with our thoughts and behavior. When I was ready, I began looking at how I chose to spend my time, noticing who benefited from it and who did not. I started to see it when I took care of others’ needs and ignored or denied my own. I asked myself why I made the choices I did. Little by little, I learned to live in awareness. (Not always, but more and more often!) My negative self-talk once enforced my belief that everyone’s needs were more important than my own. I started changing my self-talk, and I questioned, then changed, those limiting beliefs.

Setting boundaries, saying “no,” and letting others learn their life lessons “the hard way” became a few of my goals. I started to see my role in creating trauma bonds, and I learned how to break those bonds. It was a slow, deliberate, and sometimes painful process.​

Some of the other steps I took to break free of codependent coping were: living in the moment, focusing on one day at a time, building a network of emotionally healthy people, letting go of ones who weren’t, and prioritizing self-care. As I learned to become aware of my codependent thinking and behavior, I was better able to let go of my desire to control outcomes, no matter how good my intentions were. I got comfortable watching friends and loved ones deal with the consequences of their poor choices. I had to sit still and stay uninvolved when they made poor decisions, even if it hurt them or cost them money or relationships. I learned to let them feel the freedom and the dignity of making their own choices and dealing with and learning from the outcomes. I learned to stop fixing and rescuing. I learned how to detach positively, set boundaries, and focus on self-care.

More tools

Conscious awareness:  Be aware and make conscious choices before acting. Self-awareness releases us from making impulsive and potentially damaging decisions.

Learn more about codependency

Practice mindfulness

Self-care: We can only choose to focus on and be responsible for ourselves, our own thoughts, actions, and behavior. The good news is that we can change ourselves with patience, persistence, and practice. We can take responsibility for getting our needs met instead of waiting for someone to change or meet our needs for us. We are in control of ourselves, and no one is responsible for us but us.

Learn about letting go of what you can’t control, by using positive-detachment

Learn about expectations

Learn about setting boundaries 

More Resources You May Like:

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Drawing from her personal experiences of growing up in a dysfunctional household, Diane Metcalf has developed effective coping and healing strategies. With the assistance of professional therapists and mindful personal growth, she has honed her skills and now happily shares them with others who are interested in learning and growing.

As an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer, Diane is well-versed in topics such as narcissism, family dysfunction, abuse, and recognizing warning signs. Her extensive knowledge is drawn not only from her personal experiences, but also from her work in human service fields, including domestic violence, partner abuse, and court advocacy. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.

Diane’s transformational books on healing and personal growth, such as the highly acclaimed “Lemon Moms” series, offer emotional support and guidance in understanding narcissistic traits and healing past wounds. Her approach emphasizes self-awareness, intention, self-care, and establishing healthy boundaries as essential components in the healing process.

Learn more about the Lemon Moms series: Lemon Moms

See what’s happening on DianeMetcalf.com

This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

Quick Links

John Bowlby’s research and that of psychologist Mary Ainsworth contribute to the current body of work known as “attachment theory.”

Why does it matter?

John Bowlby (1907–1990) was a British psychologist and psychoanalyst known for his “childhood attachments” theory. He performed extensive research on the concept of attachment and described it as a “lasting psychological connectedness between human beings” (Bowlby 1969). He theorized that childhood experiences directly influence adult development and behavior and concluded that individual attachment styles are established in early childhood wholly through infant/caregiver relationships.

According to Bowlby, the attachment phase takes place in the first three years of life. His research indicates that to develop a healthy sense of self, including a foundation for forming healthy adult relationships, we must feel safe in our key caregiver relationships. Traumatic experiences may negatively impact the child’s ability to form secure attachments in the future.

Here’s the thing: survivors of complex childhood trauma often have difficulty forming attachments to other people. This struggle creates a self-perpetuating cycle: an unfulfilled desire for connection leads to loneliness and isolation, which can lead to depression, risky, and self-destructive behaviors, which can lead to loneliness and isolation.

In 1970, Dr. Ainsworth expanded on Bowlby’s work in her paper “Attachment, Exploration, and Separation: Illustrated by The Behavior of One-Year-Olds in a Strange Situation.” In her research, she discovered three major attachment styles: secure, ambivalent-insecure, and avoidant-insecure attachment (Ainsworth and Bell 1970). They were expanding on that research in 1986 when Drs. Mary Main and Judith Solomon added a fourth attachment style called “disorganized-insecure attachment” (Main and Solomon 1986). Additional research supports their conclusions and the idea that early attachment styles can predict future behavior.

The Attachment Styles

The following is a description of the four attachment styles as per Drs. Ainsworth, Main, and Solomon:

A secure attachment style forms when a primary caregiver is mostly predictable, reliable, and trustworthy. If a  parent or caregiver is a source of comfort, the child feels relaxed as they discover, learn, and play in their environment. As an adult, this person can develop meaningful connections with others and confidently deals with the inevitable disagreements.

An insecure ambivalent attachment style forms when a primary caregiver is unreliable, erratic, or unpredictable. There are times the child feels cared for, which are interspersed with times of being shouted at or rejected. These kinds of mixed messages often lead to the child feeling indecisive, hesitant, or doubtful. As an adult, this person may feel a sense of dependency combined with a fear of abandonment.

An insecure-avoidant attachment style forms when a primary caregiver is disengaged, distant, and unavailable. The child’s needs go unmet or are ignored, and they learn to take care of themselves, becoming self-reliant. As an adult, this person may have a dismissive attitude towards other’s emotional needs or lack the ability to experience intimacy with others.

A disorganized attachment style forms when a primary caregiver is chaotic and abusive. The caregiver is not a source of love and nurturing but of fear and trepidation. Kids still attach to an aggressive, cruel, or abusive parent because humans are born with a need for closeness. But we also have a strong need to escape danger. A child in this position will likely develop feelings of helplessness and hopelessness because they’re caught in the middle; they need and desire attachment and also need to escape danger. As an adult, this person will likely alternate between feeling fear or anger and defeat or depression.

It’s common to repeat the first relational patterns and attachment styles we learned as children. (Schwartz, A., 2019). Most of us have a “combination style” of attachment because we often have more than one parent or caretaker. Each of them treats us differently, and so we develop a combination of these four attachment styles.

Tools

Conscious awareness:  Be aware and make conscious choices before acting. Self-awareness releases us from making impulsive and potentially damaging decisions. Learn about setting boundaries 

Self-care: We can only choose to focus on and be responsible for ourselves, our own thoughts, actions, and behavior. The good news is that we can change ourselves with patience, persistence, and practice. We can take responsibility for getting our needs met, instead of waiting for someone to change or meet our needs for us. We are in control of ourselves and no one is responsible for us but us.

Practice mindfulness

Learn about codependency and maladaptive coping skills

Take the Adverse Childhood Experiences Quiz

Learn about C-PTSD

More Resources You May Like:

Join the Free Email Survival Course:

Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.

Private Facebook group included for members only.

Get the TOOLBOX APP

for instant information, support, and validation!

I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self, Workbook and Journal, by Diane Metcalf

Experience the power of self-affirmation: using positive statements to improve well-being and performance. Learn research-based steps to write the most effective affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things.

Get it Here:

Author’s Site: Free Shipping

Barnes and Noble

Amazon

Browse the Positivity Shop

Get the TOOLBOX posts twice monthly in your inbox!

About the Author

Drawing from her personal experiences of growing up in a dysfunctional household, Diane Metcalf has developed effective coping and healing strategies. With the assistance of professional therapists and mindful personal growth, she has honed her skills and now happily shares them with others who are interested in learning and growing.

As an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer, Diane is well-versed in topics such as narcissism, family dysfunction, abuse, and recognizing warning signs. Her extensive knowledge is drawn not only from her personal experiences, but also from her work in human service fields, including domestic violence, partner abuse, and court advocacy. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.

Diane’s transformational books on healing and personal growth, such as the highly acclaimed “Lemon Moms” series, offer emotional support and guidance in understanding narcissistic traits and healing past wounds. Her approach emphasizes self-awareness, intention, self-care, and establishing healthy boundaries as essential components in the healing process.

Learn more about the Lemon Moms series: Lemon Moms

See what’s happening on DianeMetcalf.com

This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.