How are Trauma Bonds Created?

With maternal narcissism, trauma bonds are created in several ways:

Love bombing: The love bombing dynamic occurs when a narcissist mother unexpectedly showers her child with love, attention, kindness, or affection. Love bombing comes in various forms—gift-giving, forgiveness for past “offenses,” anything that makes the target feel validated or special. Love bombing helps form a trauma bond because it’s a form of intermittent reinforcement: the target never knows when it will happen.

Verbal abuse: Shouting, name-calling, sarcastic comments, character assassination, backhanded compliments, insults, demeaning remarks, “put-downs” and shaming are some examples of verbal abuse. It happens on an irregular schedule, so it’s a form of intermittent reinforcement, spoken cruelty interspersed with periods of civility and kindness. The resulting shame causes a trauma bond.

Positive reinforcement: Although it sounds healthy, positive reinforcement can also create trauma bonds. When a child is rewarded for doing something they didn’t want to do, or obeying without question, there’s a trauma bond created. Healthy relationships don’t require rewards.

Victim blaming: When a narcissist mother blames her child for the cruelty she inflicts on them, the child believes they deserve it, thus establishing a trauma bond.

Silent treatment: When a narcissist mother ignores her child, that child feels helpless, anxious, and afraid they’ve been abandoned. Having no control over the situation, they’ll focus on their mother and wait for her acceptance, however long it takes.

“Moving goalposts” (aka changing the goal): Narcissist mothers often redefine or change their expectations, sometimes several times, during any interaction. Doing this ensures a frustrating encounter for those involved. A narcissistic mother is never satisfied, and keeping her child emotionally invested in her happiness creates trauma bonds.

If you struggle with narcissistic abuse syndrome you’ll often doubt your self-worth and sanity. Targets of narcissistic abuse tend to focus on their faults, failures, and inadequacies, whether they’re real or not. Sometimes these “deficiencies” began as an idea expressed by the vocal narcissistic mother.

There are several symptoms of narcissistic abuse syndrome. Many of these are the same as those of complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD,) which affects people who’ve experienced serious traumas.

Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome symptoms include:

• Accepting an imbalanced sense of responsibility
• Intrusive, or unwanted thoughts
• Unhealed triggers (physical and emotional responses to similar past traumatic situations)
• Flashbacks or nightmares where the target emotionally re-lives a traumatic experience
• Avoiding people, places or conditions linked to the narcissist or the traumatic event
• Feeling isolated, abandoned, or detached
• Feeling alert or hyper-vigilant, or easily startled (“fight or flight”)
• Negative thoughts about self and world
• Insecurity
• Shame
• Accepting misplaced blame
• Difficulty concentrating or sleeping
• Depression
• Self-destructive behaviors
• Involvement in abusive romantic relationships
• Lost trust in family or friends
• Feeling worthless or unworthy
• Lost sense of self
• Holding the narcissist in high esteem
• Doubting their judgment and decision-making skills
• Ignoring their own needs
• Devaluing or minimizing their contributions to relationships
• Making excuses for a narcissist’s behavior
• Continually trying to please the narcissist
• Attachment issues
• Weak boundaries
• Addictions
• Anxiety
• Perfectionism

If you constantly wonder about your mother’s emotional state, for example, what will she be like today? Should you try to avoid her? Or do you you frequently-

• think about what you could be (or should be) doing differently to please her?
• believe your relationship problems with her are all your fault?
• deal with mood swings, lost sleep, anxiety, apprehension?

These are all symptoms of Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome, and if you have any of them you may also have trauma bonds. The good news is that you can detach from the abuse and heal. Keep learning and doing the work.

Tools for healing:

Conscious awareness:  Be aware and make conscious choices before acting. Self-awareness releases us from making impulsive and potentially damaging decisions. Practice mindfulness.

Learn about setting boundaries 

Learn about codependency and maladaptive coping skills

Understand the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle

Learn about letting go of what you can’t control, by using loving-detachment

Learn about expectations

About the author

As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf has developed strong coping skills and healing strategies. She happily shares those insights with others who want to learn and recover. 

Her books and articles are the results of her education, knowledge, and personal insight regarding her own abusive experiences and subsequent recovery work. She is no longer a practicing Social Worker, Counselor, Program Manager or Advocate, nor is she or has she ever been a licensed psychologist.

Diane is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer on the topics of domestic violence, abuse, and family dysfunction. Currently, she writes about toxic relationships and recovery tools. Diane holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and has worked in numerous fields, including domestic violence and abuse. She also holds a Master of Science degree in Information Technology.

Currently, Diane runs her own website design company, Image and Aspect, and writes articles and tutorials for Tips and Snips, her inspirational blog for creative people. She continues to learn and write about Emotional Healing.

This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

Why is codependency something to be healed?

Codependency is a form of self-abandonment. Instead of focusing on our lives, goals, issues, and our “stuff,” we focus on others and look for validation and approval from them. Other’s needs come first, and ours come last. Living like this can cause codependent individuals to become depressed or anxious or experience panic disorders. And because we abandon ourselves, we may doubt ourselves, have low self-esteem, low energy, feelings of helplessness, hopelessness, powerlessness, defeat, and low self-worth. When we have low self-worth, it’s natural to feel that we’re not worthy or good enough to ask for what we want or need. Instead, we might learn to get our needs met by manipulating people or consequences. We may discover that we feel worthy or good enough when we accept responsibilities that aren’t ours. As we mature, in order for us to feel emotionally or physically safe, it can feel natural and necessary for us to control as much of our environment as possible.

When we spend more time emotionally taking care of or focusing on others than ourselves, trying to control their behavior, how they perceive us, or the consequences of their choices, we have become codependent. When we take responsibility, blame, or make excuses for their harmful or hurtful behavior, we have become codependent. When we rely on others for our sense of identity, approval, or validation, we have become codependent. If we are focused on someone’s life, goals, issues, and “stuff,” instead of our own, we have become codependent. If their needs come first, and ours come last, we have become codependent.

If you are an “action taker” and a “do-er,” you might be a codependent.

The stages of becoming codependent

Codependency exists on a continuum, from mild to severe. There are three stages in the development of codependency: the loss of self, the need to appease someone important to us, and the need to control the consequences of the other’s behavior. Let’s talk about each of those.

Loss of self: This early-stage of codependency looks like we’re paying an increasing amount of attention to someone else. We may monitor their moods, become hypervigilant, and feel a strong desire to please them. In this phase, we deny or rationalize their problem behaviors and fabricate explanations that maintain our sense of safety. We may endure gaslighting because our focus is on keeping them calm and minimizing verbal or physical attacks, or some other problematic behavior. We are as invisible as possible. We learn that we don’t matter.

Need to appease: This stage takes increased effort as we continue denying or minimizing the more painful aspects of a relationship. We likely feel anxious, guilty, and ashamed, but we purposefully hide these feelings from ourselves and others, along with our relationship problems. We may withdraw from other relationships and activities we enjoy. Our self-esteem decreases, and we continue to compromise ourselves to maintain a semblance of stability or predictability. Our focus is on taking someone’s “emotional temperature.” We learn to adjust our behavior and expectations according to what we sense is happening with them. We may feel angry, disappointed, unloved, or unimportant when we’re in this phase of codependency. We may begin using other maladaptive coping behaviors, including eating, bingeing, self-harming, stealing, engaging in risky sexual activity, or abusing substances.

Need to control consequences: In late-stage codependency, emotional and behavioral symptoms start affecting us. We may experience health issues like stomachaches, nightmares, headaches, muscle pain, tension, and TMJ. Self-esteem and self-care are almost nonexistent at this point, replaced by feelings of hopelessness, helplessness, anger, resentment, and overall unhappiness. We may begin to feel more symptoms of C-PTSD if we live with repetitive traumatic events.

When we’re in healthy relationships, we don’t feel obligated to help others avoid their naturally occurring consequences. Instead, both parties understand that outcomes should be experienced by the person who’s responsible for causing them.

Adult children

When we develop codependent coping skills as children, we will more than likely take them with us into adulthood, if we haven’t learned healthy ways of coping. If we became codependent as children, we were probably caretakers for other adults or siblings. We were likely required to mature quickly and take responsibilities that were not age-appropriate. When it felt unsafe for us to be around our caretaker, we learned to tiptoe around the instability. We learned to “put-up and shut-up.” We monitored moods and responded accordingly, we noticed behavioral patterns, and we became very good at predicting behavior. We learned how to take the initiative in making someone else’s life easier or better so we could feel a sense of stability and safety. We became accustomed to doing things for them and others that they could do for themselves. Controlling our environment became equivalent to feeling safe.

Letting go of and no longer controlling the outcomes and consequences of someone else’s actions are some of the first steps in healing codependency.

As codependent adults, we spend time thinking about how to please and caretake others while our own social, professional, and personal responsibilities get neglected. We continue focusing on others despite the problems it creates. Because we still desire love, connection, and affection, we will continue compromising ourselves, emotionally caretaking and chasing after love and affection, while settling for crumbs and feeling unloved, unseen and not good enough. These behaviors eventually affect our ability to have healthy, mutually satisfying adult relationships. Because we feel confused, distrustful, hesitant, disoriented, and emotionally exhausted, we often find ourselves searching for answers and explanations as to why we feel this way.

We may also seek out individuals who fit with our codependent personality. Codependency lends itself nicely to all kinds of unhealthy relationships. It wouldn’t be unusual to find ourselves in relationships involving alcoholism, substance abuse, verbal or physical abuse, and mental illness, including narcissism. Those who have experienced childhood trauma or abuse may eventually find themselves in abusive, toxic, or less-than-satisfying adult relationships. It makes sense: this toxic person’s behavior and way of relating to us seem familiar, and we already know our role and what’s expected of us within the relationship.

As codependents, we try forcing ourselves painfully into a mold that we will never fit into. And we repeatedly try to become someone else’s idea of who we should be. Not knowing details about yourself that you know about other’s in your life, like favorite foods, music, authors, etc. are the result of an other-directed, other-focused upbringing.

Codependents enjoy offering suggestions and advice even though they haven’t been asked for them. If we’re codependent, we feel responsible for people and issues that aren’t our responsibility. If we don’t attempt to help, fix, or control, we often feel guilty or ashamed. It feels wrong or selfish when we don’t jump in, take charge, or assist others who seem to be struggling. It feels wrong not to help even when they haven’t asked for our help. We feel that somehow it’s our job to take action, take over, and fix. We often feel the need to make excuses for others’ mistreatment of us or their poor behavior in general. We explain and justify to ourselves why it’s OK for them to do so. We often take the blame or minimize and deny the pain they cause. We codependents are famously known for our discomfort with saying, “no.”

If we’re codependent, we most likely don’t have boundaries. We’ll overexplain and defend ourselves because we want to been seen, affirmed, validated and understood. We’ll continuously seek affirmation outside of ourselves to feel “good enough” or like we matter. Others often describe us as needy, “clingy,” or insecure.

How to know if you’re codependent

Are you codependent?

• Have you taken actions that prevent someone from feeling or experiencing the consequences of their choices?
• Have you tried to control the outcome of a particular situation or event?
• Have you taken responsibility for someone’s actions or poor choices?

When you take responsibility (or accept blame or make excuses) for someone’s harmful or hurtful behavior, it “enables” them to keep doing it. (a) You’ve taken all the responsibility away from them and placed it on yourself, and (b) there are no negative consequences from which they can learn.

• Do you do things for other’s that they could do for themselves?

Although it often feels right to take care of others, we’re often left feeling taken advantage of or resentful. So, if you feel resentful about something you did or are doing for someone, it might be that you’re using codependent behavior.

• Have I/do I try to manage or control someone or their choices?
• Have I taken on responsibilities that aren’t mine?
• Have I ever been called “controlling” or a “control freak?”
• Do I take care of others by cleaning up their messes, both figuratively and otherwise?

Codependency includes behaviors like the ones listed below. How many of these do you notice in yourself?

• Being preoccupied or concerned with the needs of others
• Placing a low priority on your own needs
• Being attracted to needy or emotionally unavailable people
• Believing that you have to be in a romantic relationship before you your life feels meaningful
• Trying to control another’s behavior
• Feeling incapable of ending a harmful or toxic relationship
• Trying to please everyone even though you know you’ll feel resentful
• Not taking time for yourself, or ignoring your self-care
• Fearing for another’s safety but being willing to risk your safety
• Shielding someone from the consequences of their actions
• Taking responsibility for how another person feels
• Taking responsibility for what another person does
• Trying to fix someone’s problem when they haven’t asked you to
• Helping because it makes you feel better
• Feeling like your life is full of unwanted drama

Healing codependency

Healing requires acknowledging your pain without letting it define you. Our wounds have left scars that will always be with us. But when we start healing and moving forward, the scars fade over time, hurting less, becoming less obvious, and we can truly heal and move forward. Healthy coping mechanisms help us to make sense of confusing or threatening life experiences and to respond appropriately in wholesome ways. When we use healthy coping skills, we’re able to “reframe” unpleasant events in a way that is healthier for us and feels better too. Reframing is a step in the healing process.

When we’re free of codependent thinking and coping, we will understand and accept that we’re separate and complete beings. We have a strong sense of self, and our boundaries are squarely in place. We feel comfortable continuing to set new boundaries that keep us healthy, happy, and safe. We don’t feel any need to justify, explain, or make sense of another person’s behavior, to ourselves or anyone else. We understand that other’s choices and actions are their responsibility, not ours. People are entitled to have thoughts and feelings about you that are incorrect. It’s not your job to correct their thinking. They will see you the way they see you. If you argue with them, defend yourself or get emotional, you will become drained, while they are being recharged.

Once you have healthy boundaries in place, you will experience a shift in your emotions. You may start to notice that your sense of safety, security, and control, no longer need to come from people-pleasing and manipulating outcomes. Instead, they’ll come from your boundaries.

Living as a codependent means that we’re not going to get our needs met, yet asking for anything on our own behalf feels wrong, imposing, excessive, or selfish. We’re afraid of dissatisfying others. If we disappoint anyone, it often leads to feeling guilt and shame, yet we continually look for someone to please. We make excuses for their poor behavior or mistreatment of us, minimizing the pain they cause. Holding on to this mindset and behavior pattern will attract dysfunctional people to us.

It helps to take a pretty deep and fearless dive into what’s actually going on with our thoughts and behavior. When I was ready, I began looking at how I chose to spend my time, noticing who benefited from it and who did not. I started to see it when I took care of others’ needs and ignored or denied my own. I asked myself why I made the choices I did. Little by little, I learned to live in awareness, with intention. (Not always, but more and more often!) My negative self-talk once enforced my belief that everyone’s needs were more important than my own. I started changing the self-talk, and I questioned, then changed, those limiting beliefs.

Some of the other steps I took to break free of codependency in addition to self-awareness were: living in the moment, focusing on one day at a time, building a network of emotionally healthy people and letting go of ones who weren’t, and prioritizing self-care. As I learned to become aware of my codependent thinking and behaving, I was better able to let go of my desire to control outcomes, no matter how good my intentions were. I got comfortable watching friends and loved ones deal with the consequences of their poor choices. I had to sit still and stay uninvolved when they made poor decisions, even if it hurt them or cost them money or relationships. I learned to give them the freedom and dignity to make their own choices and to deal and learn from the outcomes on their own. I learned to stop fixing and rescuing. I learned how to detach with love, set boundaries, and focus on self-care.

Setting boundaries, saying “no,” and letting others learn their life lessons “the hard way” became a few of my goals. I started to see my role in creating trauma bonds, and I learned how to break those bonds. It was a slow, deliberate, and sometimes painful process.

Tools for healing:

Conscious awareness:  Be aware and make conscious choices before acting. Self-awareness releases us from making impulsive and potentially damaging decisions.

Practice mindfulness

Self-care: We can only choose to focus on and be responsible for ourselves, our own thoughts, actions, and behavior. The good news is that we can change ourselves with patience, persistence, and practice. We can take responsibility for getting our needs met, instead of waiting for someone to change or meet our needs for us. We are in control of ourselves and no one is responsible for us but us.

Learn about letting go of what you can’t control, by using loving-detachment

Learn about expectations

Learn about setting boundaries 

About the author

Diane Metcalf is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer on the topics of domestic violence, abuse, and family dysfunction. Currently, she writes about toxic relationships and recovery tools. Diane holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and has worked in numerous fields, including domestic violence and abuse. She holds a Master of Science degree in Information Technology.

As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, she has developed strong coping skills and healing strategies. She happily shares those insights with others who want to learn and recover. 

Her books and articles are the results of her education, knowledge, and personal insight regarding her own abusive experiences and subsequent recovery work. She is no longer a practicing Social Worker, Counselor, Program Manager or Advocate, nor is she or has she ever been a licensed psychologist.

Currently, Diane runs her own website design company, Image and Aspect, and writes articles and tutorials for Tips and Snips, her inspirational blog for creative people. She continues to learn and write about Emotional Healing.

This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

1. grandiose sense of self-importance
2. preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, beauty, etc.
3. believes that s/he is “special” and can only be understood by, or associate with like-minded people
4. requires excessive admiration
5. feels entitled to, and expects special treatment
6. is manipulative and exploitative
7. lacks empathy
8. is envious of others and/or believes others are envious of them
9. displays arrogant or haughty behavior.

How is it diagnosed?

To be diagnosed with narcissism, at least five of these specific traits must be chronically present.

The word “narcissism” indicates a set of personality traits such as selfishness, vanity, manipulation, and self-importance.  Narcissists are described as “challenging” to interact with. They are often defensive, condescending, and “know everything.”  They can be aggressive and even physically abusive. Narcissism has no known cure, although Cognitive Behavioral Therapy may provide a means for learning self-awareness. Narcissists don’t usually seek help or therapy because they don’t think there’s anything wrong with them. They think everyone else is the problem.

“Narcissists lack the ability to emotionally tune-in to other people. They cannot feel and show empathy or unconditional love. They are typically critical and judgmental” -Karyl McBride, Ph.D.

Common Narcissism Personality Traits

• Concerned with image and status
• Don’t like accountability or taking responsibility
• Prone to Narcissistic Rages when threatened
• Comfortable using violence to achieve goals
• Use manipulation to get what they want
• Test boundaries to see how far they can go 
• Impatient
• Easily frustrated
• Irritable
• Can’t communicate honestly  because “winning” is the goal
• Invalidating of others. Convey a clear message that “you don’t matter.”
• Indifferent
• Unapologetic
• Blaming
• Shirk personal responsibility
• Use name-calling and public shaming to gain control.
• Hostile
• Aggressive
• Selfish, self-centered
• Lack empathy; can’t identify with other people’s  feelings
• Their words don’t match their actions (in my experience: their words don’t match their voice intonation and/or facial expressions) 

Common Narcissism Behaviors

• They “re-write history” as a way to protect their image. This is known as “Gaslighting.” In their version of what happened, they’re always either the hero or the victim
• Staring at you to make you feel uncomfortable
• Baiting you and picking fights 
• Emotional dumping (expecting you to listen to their problems, criticism of you, ways in which you disappoint them, and what or how you should change to please them. This is done without empathy. They have no regard for how this will affect you. They will not allow you to share your feelings with them.  It is a one-sided interaction. They are not interested in how you feel.
• Intentionally misunderstanding what you’ve said, “twisting” your words to give them a different meaning.
• Projecting their thoughts or feelings onto you and saying that’s how you think or how you feel
• Threatening to publicly shame or “ruin” you by publishing something embarrassing such as a picture or a letter.
• Expecting behavior from children that isn’t age-appropriate
• Expecting a level of understanding from children that isn’t age-appropriate
• Expecting emotional-caretaking from others
• Life is a game of power and control, they play to win at any cost.
• They use other people’s empathy and vulnerability against them.
• Narcissistic Rages: intense anger, aggression, or passive-aggression that occurs when a narcissist experiences a setback, or disappointment; anything that shatters their illusions of grandiosity, entitlement, or superiority, and triggers their inadequacy, shame, and/or vulnerability.
• Coercion: Getting you to give up or to do something that you don’t want to do. Slowly and subtly takes over. Becomes “protective,” wants to know where you are and what you’re doing; jealous, provokes arguments, limits contact with your friends and family. 

Having a personality disorder doesn’t make the narcissist a bad person, but it does significantly decrease their ability to correctly perceive reality. 

How it begins

So, how does someone become a narcissist? It can be learned in childhood from a narcissistic parent or caregiver. As a child, it’s possible that victims of narcissists create a “false self” as a coping mechanism to survive emotionally.

The false-self expresses itself more suitably and acceptably than the true self.  The false self imitates “normal” human emotions including empathy and this allows the narcissist to appear to be a kind, caring, and compassionate human being.

As children, we cope the best we know how, with the skills that we have at that time, healthy or not. The narcissist may have dealt with adverse childhood trauma by imitating the narcissist in their life, or they may have learned to please the narcissist instead, thereby becoming Codependent in the process. (Codependency is a set of learned, maladaptive coping-tools characterized by monitoring the environment, attempting to control people and/or outcomes, “helping” or fixing other people’s problems, protecting others from the consequences of their choices, anticipating and meeting other people’s needs, and putting themselves last.)

Narcissistic parents are not healthy role models for their children. They may do things like using foul language in front of (or directed at) their children, use age-inappropriate adult/sexual statements and inferences, behave immaturely, violate the law, openly show their addictions, and may bring partners home for sex around (or front of ) the children. If they’re “serial monogamists,” they state that every new partner is “the love of their life” or “the one.”

When a primary caregiver is a narcissist, kids are much more vulnerable to narcissistic abuse. Very young children don’t have the mental capacity to comprehend that their parent is mentally ill. They completely trust and depend on the parent. They’re easily manipulated and emotionally controlled.

It’s important to understand and accept that if a parent is a narcissist, they’ve been deeply hurt and damaged, and were probably also abused or taught to expect “entitlement” as a child. Perhaps they learned this from another narcissist, caretaker, or role model. It’s not an excuse for their behavior, but a way to see them with compassion and try to understand.

Narcissists are oblivious to the damage they do to their children because they’re self-absorbed. Nor are they self-aware enough to care.

Treatment

Most narcissists will never know whether they’re on the NPD spectrum or if they have full-blown NPD because most don’t seek treatment. They don’t believe that they have a problem. EVERYONE ELSE has a problem. Never them. Everyone else is mentally ill, needs some form of treatment, or should be medicated.  So, most narcissists have never gotten a professional diagnosis, or any professional help.

It’s important to a narcissist that their ego is kept intact and inflated, which is the norm for them. The ego is the part of the mind that arbitrates between the conscious and the unconscious. It’s responsible for our sense of self and personal identity and is the filter through which we see ourselves. We tell our egos specific “stories” to live with our beliefs about who we are.

Narcissists enjoy believing they’re superior to everyone, smarter and better at everything. This is one reason they’re often so defensive and argumentative and are quick to anger. If you challenge a narcissist, there will always be repercussions.

Narcissists need to feel superior and “right” in any situation. They don’t experience feelings of remorse. Remorsefulness would require the narcissist to feel empathy, and sympathy, and to take responsibility for their actions (Hammond, C. 2018).

Tools:

Conscious awareness:  Be aware and make conscious choices before acting. Self-awareness releases us from making impulsive and potentially damaging decisions.

Self-care: We can only choose to focus on and be responsible for ourselves, our own thoughts, actions, and behavior. The good news is that we can change ourselves with patience, persistence, and practice. We can take responsibility for getting our needs met, instead of waiting for someone to change or meet our needs for us. We are in control of ourselves and no one is responsible for us but us.

Set boundaries 

Understand how the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle is different

Learn about codependency

Learn about letting go of what you can’t control, by using loving-detachment

Learn about expectations

About the author

Diane Metcalf earned her Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology in 1982 and a Master of Science in Information Technology in 2013.

She has held Social Worker, Counselor and Managerial Positions in the fields of Domestic Violence and Abuse, Geriatric Healthcare, Developmental Disabilities, and Reproductive Health. She is an experienced Advocate and Speaker on the topics of Domestic Violence and Abuse and has been a guest on Lockport Community Television (LCTV), sharing her knowledge and experience regarding Domestic Abuse with the local community. In addition, she experienced Maternal Narcissistic Abuse and has been involved in other toxic relationships. She purposefully learned (and continues to learn) appropriate coping skills and strategies to live happily. She shares those insights here.

Her books and articles are the results of her education, knowledge, and personal insight regarding her own abusive experiences and subsequent recovery work. She is no longer a practicing Social Worker, Counselor, Program Manager or Advocate, nor is she or has she ever been a licensed psychologist.

Currently, Diane runs her own website design company, Image and Aspect, and writes articles and tutorials for Tips and Snips, her inspirational blog for creative people. She continues to learn and write about Emotional Healing.

This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

The effects of self-neglect

If we ignore our need to eat, deal with anger, be with people or sleep, we create an unhealthy emotional environment for ourselves where it’s impossible to thrive. When we’re in that unhealthy emotional environment, we may think negatively, have a sour outlook, fail to see obvious choices, make poor decisions, forget, withdraw, push people away, or stop socializing. We may stop enforcing our personal boundaries or lapse back into codependent behaviors.
Neglecting ourselves in order to take care of someone who’s capable of their own self-care can make us ill. We need to pay attention to what our bodies are telling us and then redirect the focus back to ourselves.

Using the acronym HALT is an excellent way to check in with ourselves. Redirecting our focus, paying attention to and meeting our own needs are necessary steps to take when learning to break free from codependency.

When we neglect ourselves, we’re not able to participate in our lives fully. When we let ourselves get run-down, we no longer have the ability to think clearly and so it isn’t possible to make good decisions.

Why self-care is essential

When we learn to take care of ourselves, life feels better. When we make the effort to take care of our needs because we feel worthy of taking care of ourselves, our self-esteem improves. Our beliefs about what we should hang onto, and what we should let go of, start to change, and we start setting healthy boundaries. We start to understand what’s our responsibility and what’s not. Part of the process is having a quick and easy way of checking- in to see what we need and then giving it to ourselves.

Remember that airline mandate about putting on your own oxygen mask before attempting to help others with theirs? In the same spirit, ensure that your self-care commitments are at least as important to you as someone else’s would be. If you don’t take care of you, then who will? No one is capable of caring more about you than you are!

Hungry

Hunger is a sign that we are lacking or in need of something physical or emotional hunger.  Are we hungry for food? Ask yourself: Is my stomach growling? Am I irritable or lightheaded? When was the last time I ate? Physical hunger is associated with food, diet, and nutrition, which are undeniably important aspects of our overall health. 

We are worthy people who require nourishing food in order to be well and thrive. Let’s treat ourselves with kindness.  Take a look at how and what you’re eating and see if there’s room for improvement. 

Maybe we’re feeling emotional hunger. Ask yourself: Am I craving attention, validation, affection, or affirmation? Stop and do a quick self-assessment to figure out what you need. If it’s validation, validate yourself. If it’s affirmation, affirm yourself. If it’s attention or affection, find ways to give those to yourself.

Angry

When we’re angry, our brain is flooded with chemicals meant to activate our “fight or flight” response. So if we’re feeling angry, it’s easy to overreact and our behavior will almost certainly be out of proportion to the actual event that triggered it. 

Anger is a secondary emotion, meaning that there is always an emotion that we feel first, for a fraction of a second. It’s that first (primary) emotion that triggers the anger. 

So when we’re angry, it’s important to stop and figure out not only what triggered the anger, but what the primary emotion was in the first place. 

For example:

Let’s say that you suddenly find yourself angry because you feel disrespected. If you look closely enough, you may find that the first trigger was a spoken message. Someone just said words to you that started the whole thing. Those words caused (“triggered”) an emotionally sensitive belief to re-surface, a belief like “I’m not good enough“ or “I’m not important.”

The “I’m not good enough/I’m not important” belief is loaded with feelings that were the first emotions that you felt for just a split-second. Those feelings triggered the anger.

To summarize:

• The first trigger was spoken words.
• The second trigger was feeling “not good enough/not important”.
• “Not good enough/not important” triggered the anger. The words that were spoken to you did not trigger your anger.

It’s really fascinating, isn’t it?

Stories

The “not good enough/I’m not important“ beliefs are stories we repeatedly tell ourselves. We have LOTS of stories. They’re often on autoplay! We can catch ourselves when we start hearing those narratives and turn them off. We CAN learn to control what we tell ourselves! We’ll definitely talk more about that in the future. For now, try to start looking deeper when you get angry. See if you can find the primary emotion and the trigger that caused it. Start making a list of your triggers! You’ll learn some interesting things about yourself and you’ll start seeing patterns. Eventually, you’ll be able to devise a strategy to use when the triggers present themselves again in the future. 

Lonely

When we feel lonely it’s often because we feel like we don’t fit in or belong, or we think that people won’t accept us, or understand us or our current situation. Sometimes it’s because we’ve withdrawn from the fear of being criticized or judged, or even worse, rejected.

Loneliness leads to isolation and isolation is often a maladaptive coping mechanism. Trying to fix loneliness by using self-destructive behaviors like drinking, binge eating, shopping, or gambling doesn’t solve the problem. Those behaviors will just create new problems.

The cure for isolation (and loneliness) is to be willing to be vulnerable and reach out to others to make a connection.

Learn more about isolation here.

Tired

When we’re tired or sleepy, we’re extremely vulnerable to making poor choices because our brains aren’t functioning optimally. Maintaining healthy sleep cycles and routines are essential for both physical and mental health.

When we’re sleep-deprived for whatever reason, it’s not the time for making decisions or having important conversations. If you find yourself tired and you have an important meeting to attend or an important decision to make, postpone it if possible until you’re better-rested.

In a nutshell:

Using the acronym HALT or The HALT Method is a simple (but not always easy) way to foster mindfulness and self-awareness. Both mindfulness and self-awareness are vital to insight and personal growth, and personal growth allows us to live a happier and more fulfilling life. 

Try using The HALT Method to foster better self-awareness and to remind yourself to practice good self-care. 

Tools:

• HALT: Checkin with yourself to see if you’re Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired. Give yourself what you need.
• Conscious awareness:  Be aware and make conscious choices before acting. Self-awareness releases us from making impulsive and potentially damaging decisions.
• Progress not perfection: Let’s give ourselves credit and just enjoy being human! No one is perfect. People just like to pretend they are.
• I’m in control of me. We can only choose to focus on and be responsible for ourselves, our own thoughts, actions, and behavior. The good news is that we can change ourselves with patience, persistence, and practice. We can take responsibility for getting our needs met, instead of waiting for someone to change or meet our needs for us. We are in control of ourselves and no one is responsible for us but us.
• Understand the Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse
• Set boundaries 
• Learn about codependency
• Learn about letting go with loving-detachment

About the author

Diane Metcalf earned her Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology in 1982 and a Master of Science in Information Technology in 2013.

She has held Social Worker, Counselor and Managerial Positions in the fields of Domestic Violence and Abuse, Geriatric Healthcare, Developmental Disabilities, and Reproductive Health. She is an experienced Advocate and Speaker on the topics of Domestic Violence and Abuse and has been a guest on Lockport Community Television (LCTV), sharing her knowledge and experience regarding Domestic Abuse with the local community. In addition, she experienced Maternal Narcissistic Abuse and has been involved in other toxic relationships. She purposefully learned (and continues to learn) appropriate coping skills and strategies to live happily. She shares those insights here.

Her books and articles are the results of her education, knowledge, and personal insight regarding her own abusive experiences and subsequent recovery work. She is no longer a practicing Social Worker, Counselor, Program Manager or Advocate, nor is she or has she ever been a licensed psychologist.

Currently, Diane runs her own website design company, Image and Aspect, and writes articles and tutorials for Tips and Snips, her inspirational blog for creative people. She continues to learn and write about Emotional Healing.

This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

Growing up in a home where there’s no emotional inter-connectedness with our family members or no real communication, often leads to experiencing feelings of isolation. When we feel ignored, invisible or insignificant as a child,  it’s easy to continue using these same maladaptive relationship patterns after we become adults. As a result, we may continue to let others make our decisions for us without the benefit of us sharing our thoughts or feelings. We choose to silence our voices because we believe that what we say doesn’t matter. We give away our personal power because we’re not even aware that we have any power.

When we’ve been traumatized by narcissism, alcoholism, addiction or any other type of toxicity, whether as a child or as an adult, we often feel like we can’t talk about it with others. We prefer to keep our thoughts and feelings to ourselves because we feel ashamed or embarrassed. Sometimes we criticize and judge ourselves for becoming isolated, or for being in a particular situation, or with a certain person. Sometimes we fear other’s judgment or criticism of our choices, and sometimes it simply feels like no one will be able to understand. We may feel at fault for our circumstances and we isolate ourselves to hide our shame and our secrets.

Brene’ Brown is a research professor at the University of Houston and she’s well known for studying courage, vulnerability, shame, and empathy. Brene’ firmly believes that we have to “walk through vulnerability to get to courage”, therefore . . . we should “embrace the suck.”

In her book I thought it was just me (but it isn’t): Making the Journey from “What Will People Think?” to “I Am Enough”, Ms. Brown describes shame as a “silent epidemic”, something that everybody experiences at some point in their lives.

She goes on to say that “Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging”. Personally, I don’t think it’s a coincidence that shame is associated with depression, guilt, anxiety, eating disorders, addiction, and violence. (habitsforwellbeing.com)

~By isolating, we prolong the pain.~

Patterns of Isolation 

By entertaining thoughts of “I don’t belong”, or by judging ourselves as “not good enough”, we close ourselves off from others. This avoidance-tactic can be used to hide from ourselves or from others, and even from reality. There are lots of ways to hide! We can hide physically, mentally, spiritually and/or emotionally. We may stop socializing and interacting. We may feel like keeping secrets and hiding or cocooning so we begin keeping to ourselves, and not reaching out for help or support. We may emotionally (or physically!) push others away. We interact with friends or family less often and when we do, topics of conversation become superficial, and we steer clear of conversations about our personal or home-life. We avoid any chance of getting emotionally triggered or of triggering others. We avoid embarrassment by not accepting social invitations. 

What we’re actually doing is trying to avoid potential or imagined pain. 

The Power of Our Thoughts

“Closed-thinking” is an orderly and pretty inflexible task-based way of thinking. When we use a closed-thought process, we focus solely on “the goal”, and getting something accomplished. We’re pressured and probably feel stressed because there’s usually a time-limit or due date involved. Even self-imposed due dates can feel stressful.

Conversely, “open-thinking” feels more relaxed.  When we use open-thinking we don’t feel rushed because there is no hurry, there is no “due date.”  We don’t feel pressured or stressed. With open-thinking, we enjoy the process of “playing around” with our beliefs and ideas instead of focusing on time-sensitive outcomes.

Is it surprising to know that isolation thrives on closed-thinking? It’s no wonder isolation can feel so suffocating and hopeless.

We all have the ability to use open thinking, but many of us don’t have experience using our minds this way. Maybe we never learned how, or we never saw it modeled. Maybe life simply feels too heavy or serious right now to “play around” with ideas. Perhaps the idea of learning a new way of thinking makes us tired or uncomfortable.

Trying to learn how to think openly can certainly feel uncomfortable at first, and using this less restrictive process will remain difficult if we don’t practice.

Thinking openly means that we give ourselves time to daydream about possibilities and the space to read and research and envision scenarios. “What if” we were to do this instead of that? What would that look like? How might it feel? Open thinking involves thinking creatively (instead of purely logically) and collaborating with others. Bouncing ideas off somebody we respect and trust can show us new perspectives and can open up new possibilities.

Breaking Isolation

Breaking our isolation means that we have to begin trusting people and changing our perspective. We have to start taking chances and participate in our life. Sharing ourselves with others and getting comfortable with our own vulnerability are the antidotes for isolation. 

Brene’ Brown says: “Shame is the most powerful, master emotion. It’s the fear that we’re not good enough” and “Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it’s having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome”.

Her research findings can effectively be summarized in this statement: “Staying vulnerable is a risk we have to take if we want to experience connection.”

Try reaching out to someone today. Just do one thing to break your isolation. Letting yourself be vulnerable will get easier with practice, I promise.

Tools:

• Self-care
• Identify the Cycle of Abuse
• Recognize codependent coping skills
• Everyone makes choices. Are you choosing to stay in suffering-mode? Why or why not?
• Respond rather than react. (Homework: look up the difference between reacting and responding. Try responding the next time you have the opportunity. See how it feels)
• Have a plan for ending the isolation.
• Reframe your viewpoint: a shift in perspective can help us to determine what’s most valuable to us so we don’t waste emotional energy on less important things. Perspective is everything.
• Be open to new ideas that we weren’t open to in the past. Open-mindedness will help us take advantage of new resources as they become available.
• Conscious awareness:  Be aware and make conscious choices before acting. Self-awareness releases us from making impulsive and potentially damaging decisions.
• Progress not perfection: Let’s give ourselves credit and just enjoy being human! No one is perfect. People just like to pretend they are.
• Live in the present: Be willing to give up worrying about the future. The future doesn’t exist, so we can’t predict or control it. Give up worrying about the past too because the past doesn’t exist either, it’s a mental construction. The past is the “snapshot” we hold of an event that was processed by our own personal and unique filters. Focusing on the present moment is the only state of being that we can actually influence.
• I’m in control of me. We can only choose to focus on and be responsible for ourselves, our own thoughts, actions, and behavior. The good news is that we can change ourselves with patience, persistence, and practice. We can take responsibility for getting our needs met, instead of waiting for someone to change or meet our needs for us. We are in control of ourselves and no one is responsible for us but us.
• Set boundaries 
• Do things you enjoy or that make you feel good. Taking care of ourselves and enjoying life is not selfish. 

More Brene’ Brown Quotes:

“When we’re defined by what people think, we lose the courage to be vulnerable. Therefore, we need to be selective about the feedback we let into our lives. For me, if you’re not in the arena also getting your ass kicked, I’m not interested in your feedback.” – Brené Brown

 “You either walk inside your story and own it or you stand outside your story and hustle for your worthiness.” – Brené Brown

About the author

Diane Metcalf earned her Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology in 1982 and a Master of Science in Information Technology in 2013.

She has held Social Worker, Counselor and Managerial Positions in the fields of Domestic Violence and Abuse, Geriatric Healthcare, Developmental Disabilities, and Reproductive Health. She is an experienced Advocate and Speaker on the topics of Domestic Violence and Abuse and has been a guest on Lockport Community Television (LCTV), sharing her knowledge and experience regarding Domestic Abuse with the local community. In addition, she experienced Maternal Narcissistic Abuse and has been involved in other toxic relationships. She purposefully learned (and continues to learn) appropriate coping skills and strategies to live happily. She shares those insights here.

Her books and articles are the results of her education, knowledge, and personal insight regarding her own abusive experiences and subsequent recovery work. She is no longer a practicing Social Worker, Counselor, Program Manager or Advocate, nor is she or has she ever been a licensed psychologist.

Currently, Diane runs her own website design company, Image and Aspect, and writes articles and tutorials for Tips and Snips, her inspirational blog for creative people. She continues to learn and write about Emotional Healing.

This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

In the beginning

When we grow up in a home environment that lacks nurturing, anytime we take care of or focus on ourselves, we consistently receive feedback that we’re self-centered or selfish. Sooner or later, self-care becomes uncomfortable for us.  “Selfish” doesn’t align with our self-image of being a self-sacrificing “helper”. So we begin to judge ourselves for taking time to do things we want, need or enjoy. Eventually, we leave these things out of our lives. We actively ignore our own self-care. Everyone else’s wants and needs become more important than ours. Others become more important than ourselves

Ultimately, we become adults who enjoy “helping” others by telling others what to do. We do this even though they haven’t asked us for our opinion or for our help. We actually believe that we know better what’s right for that person and their life! We love it when we feel needed and we’re attracted to people who need us a LOT. Our self-image and self-esteem are now connected with monitoring others and proactively “helping“ them with their issues and problems.

Helping and fixing feels good, and as full-fledged codependents, we get a lot of satisfaction from living this way. Codependency also stirs up a lot of drama. And drama is exciting, isn’t it?

Are you codependent?

How do you know if you’re using codependent behavior when you relate to others? Well…..have you taken actions to prevent someone from feeling the consequences of their choices? It feels like we’re being really helpful when we do that, doesn’t it? But it’s not helpful. It’s actually quite the opposite.  Ask yourself: am I trying to control the outcome of this situation? If the answer’s yes, it’s likely that you’re using codependent behavior.

Codependent behavior often leaves us feeling resentful. So, if you feel resentful about something you did or are doing for someone, it might be because you’re using codependent behavior, also known as “enabling”.

Adult codependents have been brought up to emotionally care-take others. As kids, we were caretakers for our siblings, and sometimes even for our own parents. Often, we were required to “grow-up” quickly and take responsibilities that were not age-appropriate. If it felt unsafe, we learned how to tippytoe around and how not to upset anyone. We learned how to become invisible and stay “under the radar.” We learned how to monitor other people’s behavior and moods. We learned how to be proactive and meet other people’s needs so that WE could feel a sense of stability and/or safety.

Now, as adults, we’re “people-pleasers” who spend our time finding resolutions for other people’s problems. And we’re proactive! We observe other’s to see what we can do for them.

We become attracted to someone’s potential. And guess what? We have emotional, physical and even financial resources to give them, to help them reach that potential! And we’re willing to give our all. And give it we will! They become our personal “do-it-yourself” project.

We become preoccupied with helping them overcome their problems and obstacles. We feel needed and it feels good because we NEED to be needed!

Managing and “fixing” other people is just one aspect of codependency. Although it often feels good to care-take, we’re often left feeling taken advantage of or resentful. Why is that?

It’s because no one has asked us to fix their problems or their life or to shield them from the consequences of their actions. Deep down we know this. I think deep down we know that what we’re doing is unhealthy and that our focus needs to be on our own lives, but we aren’t comfortable doing that. Or we just don’t know how.  

I learned that I was exercising codependent behavior at a time in my life when I was actively “fixing” aspects of peoples’ lives when they hadn’t asked me to. I was also putting everyone else first, taking care of everyone’s needs even when they hadn’t asked me or expected it. I didn’t put myself on my own “to do” list. I felt exhausted, used, angry and resentful. Continuing to live this way didn’t make sense.

I needed to break this cycle, yet I didn’t know how. Eventually, I learned to “let go” of my controlling behaviors and to allow people the opportunity to feel the consequences of their own actions. This was extremely uncomfortable for me at first, and I often felt guilty for not “doing my job” of jumping in and “helping”.

Then someone told me that I needed to consider that when I get in-between someone and their rightful consequences, I may be interfering with their karma and with the life-lessons intended for them. Wow! I thought about that. With a lot of self-reflection, self-control, and practice, I became much more comfortable backing-off. It became second nature to allow others the dignity to address their own problems and the opportunity to feel the natural consequences of their choices. It got a LOT easier to do as time passed. Now I consciously live this way.

Other codependent behaviors

Robert Subby defines codependency, in his book Co-Dependency, An Emerging Issue, as “an emotional, psychological and behavioral condition that develops as a result of an individual’s prolonged exposure to, and practice of, a set of oppressive rules -rules which prevent the open expression of feeling as well as the direct discussion of personal as well as interpersonal problems.”

Codependency includes behaviors like :

• Being preoccupied or concerned with the needs of others
• Placing a low priority on our own needs
• Being attracted to needy and/or emotionally unavailable people
• Believing that we have to be in a romantic relationship before we consider our lives worthwhile
• Trying to control another’s behavior
• Feeling incapable of ending a negative or toxic relationship
• Trying to please everyone even though we know we’ll feel resentful
• Not taking time for ourselves, ignoring our self-care
• Fearing for another’s safety but being willing to risk our own safety 
• Shielding someone from the consequences of their actions
• Taking responsibility for how another person feels
• Trying to fix another person’s problem when they haven’t asked you to
• Wanting to help or fix others because it makes US feel better
• Feeling like our lives are full of unwanted drama

Living as a codependent means that we’re probably not going to get our needs met. Asking feels like imposing.

What are your codependent behaviors?

• Have I/do I try to manage or control someone else’s life?
• Have I taken on responsibilities that aren’t mine?
• Have I been called a control freak?
• Do I “Take care of” others by “cleaning up” their problems?
• Do I keep others from dealing with the consequences of their actions?
• Do I do things for others that they can and should do for themselves? 
• Keep going. Add more to the list!

If we’re codependent, we can learn appropriate ways to change this.

Tools: 

• Remember: We don’t need to attend every argument to which we are invited. 
• Use your voice. Say what you mean and mean what you say. 
• Give others the dignity to make their own choices and mistakes and allow them the opportunity to learn from them. 
• Listen & empathize with someone’s problem or pain without trying to fix it.
• Trust that they’ll be OK without your help. 
• Set some healthy boundaries 
• Use loving detachment
• Do things that you enjoy and that make you feel cared for. Taking care of ourselves and enjoying life is not selfish. 
• Help others but wait to be asked. Waiting for the Ask is uncomfortable, but we can do hard things.

You may also like these resources:

Toxic Undo

The Toolbox

The Journey

What are expectations?

Setting personal boundaries

About the author

Diane Metcalf earned her Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology in 1982 and a Master of Science in Information Technology in 2013.

She has held Social Worker, Counselor and Managerial Positions in the fields of Domestic Violence and Abuse, Geriatric Healthcare, Developmental Disabilities, and Reproductive Health. She is an experienced Advocate and Speaker on the topics of Domestic Violence and Abuse and has been a guest on Lockport Community Television (LCTV), sharing her knowledge and experience regarding Domestic Abuse with the local community. In addition, she experienced Maternal Narcissistic Abuse and has been involved in other toxic relationships. She purposefully learned (and continues to learn) appropriate coping skills and strategies to live happily. She shares those insights here.

Her books and articles are the results of her education, knowledge, and personal insight regarding her own abusive experiences and subsequent recovery work. She is no longer a practicing Social Worker, Counselor, Program Manager or Advocate, nor is she or has she ever been a licensed psychologist.

Currently, Diane runs her own website design company, Image and Aspect, and writes articles and tutorials for Tips and Snips, her inspirational blog for creative people. She continues to learn and write about Emotional Healing.

This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.