When a primary caregiver, like a mother, is somewhere on the narcissism spectrum (or is a narcissist,) any children in their care will be vulnerable to becoming targets of mistreatment or abuse. That’s because children don’t have the mental and emotional maturity to comprehend their circumstances or to set protective boundaries. Their age dictates complete dependence on and trust of the narcissistic caregiver. As a result, they can easily be manipulated and emotionally controlled.
All children need and want their parent’s approval and validation. If kids grow up in home environments that are competitive or where love is conditional, they realize that they have to be “the best” in order to be loved. Deep down, they understand that they must earn their parent’s or caregiver’s love and affection by “doing” or “achieving.”
What Happens When a Caregiver is Emotionally Unstable
If a parent or caregiver is emotionally unstable, the children will experience almost daily drama and chaos, along with the resulting feelings of insecurity, instability, and fear. If a parent or caregiver is threatening, angry, or verbally abusive, the child’s role in the family will frequently change according to that parent’s current emotional state. All children in the home will take turns being devalued or idealized by the unstable parent. These dynamics mean that everyone in the family “revolves around” the explosive or unstable parent, trying to keep them calm. This is often achieved by hypervigilance; monitoring the parents’ moods, and doing whatever pleases them in order to hold off an unprovoked attack or to remain in good standing for as long as possible (see dysfunctional family roles). Every child responds to this chaos and uncertainty in their own unique way, possibly developing feelings of anger or becoming rebellious or violent. Some feel defeated and give up, becoming withdrawn or depressed, or self-isolating. And others feel a deep sense of shame for not being “good enough,” eroding their self-confidence and self-esteem. They are the shy, quiet ones.
The feelings of inadequacy that stem from “not being good enough” to receive unconditional love from a parent may be the catalyst for developing a “false self.” Learning to hide “faults” by developing a false self, and adopting the values and characteristics of the narcissistic parent, may contribute to kids becoming narcissists themselves (Greenberg 2016).
Narcissists enjoy believing they’re superior, smarter, and better at everything than everyone else. This is one of the reasons they’re often defensive and become angered so easily and quickly. If you challenge a narcissist, there will usually be undesirable repercussions, and children of narcissists understand this very well.
Needless to say, narcissistic parents are not healthy role models for their children. They have no problem with using foul language in front of or even directed at their children. They may make age-inappropriate adult or sexual comments, inferences, or jokes in front of or to their children. They generally behave immaturely and impulsively and may openly express their addictions. They may also violate laws in front of the children.
Narcissistic parents are oblivious to the damage they inflict by exposing their children to inappropriate situations and behavior. They’re not self-aware enough to see how their actions affect others (see Traits of a Narcissistic Mother.)
Becoming Codependent
Codependency is a survival skill set that children may develop when living in these kinds of conditions. Codependent skills are developed from necessity. Codependency ensures survival and safety in a potentially dangerous situation. It provides a sense of security, a type of self-esteem or purpose, and a means to obtain love or affection. Using codependent coping skills makes it possible for any child living with a narcissistic caregiver to deal with their chaotic, confusing, and often hurtful home environment.
As children, if we were caretakers for our mothers (or others’) emotional or physical well-being, we likely matured quickly and took on responsibilities that were not age-appropriate or even our own. When it felt physically or emotionally unsafe to be around our parents or caregivers, we learned to tiptoe around their instability, trying not to upset them, in order to feel safe. We learned to make ourselves “invisible” and live under the radar. We monitored moods and responded accordingly. We noticed behavioral patterns, and we became very good at predicting behavior. We learned how to take the initiative in making life easier or better for them so that we could feel a sense of stability, security, and safety for ourselves. We became accustomed to doing things for others that they could do for themselves. We became watchers and doers. We became codependent.
Could you be feeling the effects of Narcissism Awareness Grief? Download thefree chapter to find out:
from Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism
Forming Healthy Adult Relationships
It is necessary for children to develop a healthy sense of self, a foundation for forming healthy adult relationships later. To do this, they must feel safe in their caregiver relationships. When children don’t have mentally healthy caregivers, they don’t learn or develop healthy relationship skills to equip themselves for adulthood. Instead, they imitate family members’ maladaptive skills, such as using manipulation, physical aggression, violence, threats, and substances, which do more harm than good.
If we became codependent as children, we can heal as adults. We can do all of the things for ourselves that our caregivers could not or did not do. We can reinvent ourselves and move forward. We can learn to affirm and validate ourselves, and we can develop high self-esteem and self-confidence. We can begin to trust our minds and our memories. We can learn to recognize unhealthy or mentally ill people and steer clear. We can set boundaries. We can use our voices to empower ourselves. We can find our lost authentic selves and reclaim our lives.
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I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self, Workbook and Journal, by Diane Metcalf
A step-by-step method to learn how to write the highest vibrating, most powerful affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things.
As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping and healing strategies. She happily shares those with those who want to learn and grow in their own recovery journies.
Diane is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer on narcissism, family dysfunction, and abuse. She draws from her personal childhood experiences, as well as her work in human service fields like domestic violence and partner abuse. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.
Her transformational books about healing and moving forward include the highly praised “Lemon Moms” series. This emotionally supportive collection explains narcissistic traits and teaches how to reconcile past hurts to begin self-nurturing, healing, and moving forward.
As I write this article, I am processing my mother’s recent death and what it means for me. My inner child is asking for and needing attention. I am honoring my inner child.
I feel sad that my mother’s life has ended because now she has no more opportunity to heal, or attempt to heal, relationships that need healing. And there were many.
The morning after her death, the first thought to form in my waking consciousness was, “The big bad wolf is gone.” That tells me a LOT. My inner child finally feels safe.
For decades I struggled physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally with the realization that I had a mother who chose solely minimal involvement with me since I was a child. She was often hurtful, spiteful, and mean-spirited. The continual emotional abandonment that I felt during those years was real. Throughout, I continually longed for and chased after her ever-withheld love, affection, and acceptance. I felt like I was lost in the woods, wandering a deep, dark, dangerous forest, unable to find my way home for so very long. Subsequently, I mourned the loss of my mother decades ago when she was very much alive. There are no more tears left to shed.
When I could accept that I was only as valuable to my mother as the things I could do or provide for her, I began to deal with the core problem: my codependency. Finally, I found the path and began reversing the codependent thoughts and behaviors. It literally changed everything.
If you’ve read my book Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism, you already know that my mother had many narcissistic traits. Among other types of controlling behavior, she often used fear of abandonment to manipulate me as a child. She threatened to give me away to strangers, put me in an orphanage, or send me to live with my father, whom she repeatedly said: “didn’t love us or want anything to do with us.”
And so, because I didn’t want to lose my home, I constantly feared doing the “right thing,” whatever the right thing was at any particular time. “The right thing” could and did change without warning, so I needed to remain constantly alert for changes in her tone of voice, behavior, and in our overall home environment. As a result, I learned to continually take her “emotional temperature” to keep myself safe.
My mom parented by blaming, shaming, intimidating, threatening, and physically punishing. In the earliest years, I learned that I was somehow to blame for everything that displeased her. Second-guessing and doubting myself became a way of life. I felt like a burden, believing that I made her life harder simply because I existed. I stayed out of her way as much as possible.
I felt lonely and alone because there was no one to talk with about this way of life. Most of the people I knew could only see my mother’s public “false face,” so they thought she was a wonderful mother and human being. Only those of us who lived with her saw both faces, the real and the false. Only those of us who lived with her experienced her true self.
Words Matter
My mother shared her thoughts and feelings with me in frightening, highly emotionally charged, biased, and inappropriate ways when I was a young child. Gaslighting and the resulting cognitive dissonance distorted my perceptions and reality. Her behavior initiated my codependency, and her words guaranteed it.
There were no boundaries in our home, but there was lots of name-calling, invalidation, uncommunicated expectations, and neglect. I stayed up as late as I wanted. I was expected to care for my younger siblings and was blamed and sometimes punished for their misbehavior.
I was not allowed to express my feelings openly, ask questions, or show initiative or curiosity. My emotions were discounted, minimized, or invalidated. Asking questions or taking action meant I was challenging my mother, and that was not tolerated. She rewrote my memories, and I was expected to believe her version. I was to obey, stay quiet and not question.
My mom called me hurtful names and obscenities, and at times, as a form of punishment, she ignored me, not speaking to me for days, weeks, or even months.
Awakening
Reading, researching, and working with various therapists eventually led me into Narcissism Awareness Grief, a term coined by Dr. Christine Hammond. Narcissism Awareness Grief begins when you become aware of someone’s narcissistic traits and realize how they have negatively impacted you. Using this new lens; looking at my past in terms of my mother’s narcissistic traits, I re-examined my childhood experiences. I saw how those long ago, unhealed traumatic incidents affected my current adult relationships. I set out to learn the things I should have learned as a child, like how to trust, validate and affirm myself. Like how to calm my nervous system and stop the hypervigilance. I discovered and learned how to control my triggers. I healed my cognitive dissonance and C-PTSD symptoms and taught my inner child to trust. I replaced codependent coping and thinking with healthy coping and thinking. In the process, I discovered and uncovered my true, authentic self. I found my voice and finally spoke my truth without feeling shame. I felt whole and worthy for the first time in my life.
So as I come to terms with the finality of my mother’s death and the end of our painful relationship, I feel grateful for my recovery work, my therapists and teachers, my inner child, my higher power, and especially my authentic self. I know she will always be truthful, supportive, validating, and affirming. She will always have my back.
I’m here. I’m alive. I’m grateful. I’m ready.
How to know if you’re feeling Narcissism Awareness Grief
Could you be feeling the effects of Narcissism Awareness Grief? Download thefree chapter to find out:
Conscious awareness: Be aware and make conscious choices before acting. Self-awareness releases us from making impulsive and potentially damaging decisions.
Self-care: We are in control of ourselves, and no one is responsible for us but us. We can only choose to focus on and be responsible for ourselves, our own thoughts, actions, and behavior. We can change ourselves with patience, persistence, and practice. When we take responsibility for getting our needs met, instead of waiting for someone to change or meet our needs for us, we are healing.
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I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self, Workbook and Journal, by Diane Metcalf
A step-by-step method to learn how to write the highest vibrating, most powerful affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things.
As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping and healing strategies. She happily shares those with those who want to learn and grow in their own recovery journies.
Diane is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer on narcissism, family dysfunction, and abuse. She draws from her personal childhood experiences, as well as her work in human service fields like domestic violence and partner abuse. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.
Her transformational books about healing and moving forward include the highly praised “Lemon Moms” series. This emotionally supportive collection explains narcissistic traits and teaches how to reconcile past hurts to begin self-nurturing, healing, and moving forward.
Trauma bonds occur over time through the use of “intermittent reinforcement,” which is a type of behavioral “conditioning” where a reward (or a punishment) is given irregularly instead of every time the desired behavior is observed. In other words, periods of abuse are interspersed with periods of kindness (or the absence of cruelty). This cycle of “always guessing” keeps the target on high alert in survival mode. They never know when the abuser will be cruel or kind. It’s like a game of chance, like playing slot machines or Bingo. Sometimes you win, and sometimes you lose, but it’s the possibility of winning that keeps you going back for more.
How are Trauma Bonds Created?
Trauma bonds are created in several ways:
Love bombing: The love bombing dynamic occurs when a narcissist, including narcissistic mothers, unexpectedly showers you with love, attention, kindness, or affection. Love bombing comes in various forms—gift-giving, forgiveness for past “offenses,” anything that makes you feel validated or special. Love bombing helps form a trauma bond because it’s a form of intermittent reinforcement: you never know when it will happen.
Verbal abuse: Shouting, name-calling, sarcastic comments, character assassination, backhanded compliments, insults, demeaning remarks, “put-downs,” and shaming are some examples of verbal abuse. The abuse happens on an irregular schedule, so it’s a form of intermittent reinforcement (spoken cruelty interspersed with periods of civility and kindness.) The resulting shame causes a trauma bond.
Positive reinforcement: Although it sounds healthy, positive reinforcement can also create trauma bonds. When a person (including children) is rewarded for doing something they didn’t want to do or obeying without question, there’s a trauma bond created. Healthy relationships don’t require rewards.
Victim blaming: When a narcissist blames their target (or the narcissist mother blames her child) for the cruelty inflicted upon them, they will likely believe they deserve it because they’ve been conditioned to. This belief establishes a trauma bond.
Silent treatment: When a narcissist purposefully ignores you, that causes feelings of helplessness, anxiety, and fear of abandonment. Having no control over the situation, you’ll focus on the narcissist and wait for their acceptance, however long it takes.
“Moving goalposts” (aka changing the goal): Narcissists often redefine or change their expectations, sometimes several times, during any interaction. Doing this ensures a frustrating encounter for those involved. A narcissist (including narcissist mothers) is never satisfied, and keeping you emotionally invested in their happiness creates trauma bonds.
If you struggle with narcissistic abuse syndrome you’ll often doubt your self-worth and sanity. Targets of narcissistic abuse tend to focus on their faults, failures, and inadequacies, whether they’re real or not. Sometimes these “deficiencies” began as an idea expressed by the vocal narcissist.
There are several symptoms of narcissistic abuse syndrome. Many of these are the same as those of complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD,) which affects people who’ve experienced serious traumas.
Symptoms of Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome
Accepting an imbalanced sense of responsibility
Intrusive, or unwanted thoughts
Unhealed triggers (physical and emotional responses to similar past traumatic situations)
Flashbacks or nightmares where the target emotionally re-lives a traumatic experience
Avoiding people, places, or conditions linked to the narcissist or the traumatic event
Feeling isolated, abandoned, or detached.
Feeling alert or hyper-vigilant, or easily startled (“fight or flight”)
Negative thoughts about self and the world
Insecurity
Shame
Accepting misplaced blame
Difficulty concentrating or sleeping
Depression
Self-destructive behaviors
Involvement in abusive romantic relationships
Lost trust in family or friends
Feeling worthless or unworthy
Lost sense of self
Holding the narcissist in high esteem
Doubting their judgment and decision-making skills
Ignoring their own needs
Devaluing or minimizing their contributions to relationships
Making excuses for a narcissist’s behavior
Continually trying to please the narcissist
Attachment issues
Weak boundaries
Addictions
Anxiety
Perfectionism
If you constantly wonder about your narcissist’s emotional state, for example, what will he/she be like today? Should you try to avoid them? Or do you frequently-
think about what you could be (or should be) doing differently to please them?
believe your relationship problems are all your fault?
deal with mood swings, lost sleep, anxiety, apprehension?
These are all symptoms of Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome, and if you have any of them you may also have trauma bonds. The good news is that you can detach from the abuse and heal. Keep learning and doing the work.
Could you be feeling the effects of Narcissism Awareness Grief? Download thefree chapter to find out:
Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.
Private Facebook group included for members only.
Get the TOOLBOX APP
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I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self, Workbook and Journal, by Diane Metcalf
A step-by-step method to learn how to write the highest vibrating, most powerful affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things.
As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping and healing strategies. She happily shares those with those who want to learn and grow in their own recovery journies.
Diane is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer on narcissism, family dysfunction, and abuse. She draws from her personal childhood experiences, as well as her work in human service fields like domestic violence and partner abuse. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.
Her transformational books about healing and moving forward include the highly praised “Lemon Moms” series. This emotionally supportive collection explains narcissistic traits and teaches how to reconcile past hurts to begin self-nurturing, healing, and moving forward.
Codependency is an emotional and behavioral coping style that negatively affects a person’s ability to have healthy, mutually satisfying relationships. Codependents are called “people-pleasers.” They willingly play by the “rules” of others and lose their identity in the process. As a result, they rely on others for their sense of identity, approval, or validation. This is called “seeking external validation.” People-pleasers need to be needed. To others, they appear to be busybodies, involved in other people’s business or with things that shouldn’t concern them. They may also appear as unselfish, as someone who can be counted on, or who never says “no.”
“Healing may not be so much about getting better, as about letting go of everything that isn’t you- all of the expectations, all of the beliefs – and becoming who you are.” -Rachel Naomi Remen
When we’re children who don’t have mentally healthy role models and caregivers, we don’t learn or develop healthy coping skills to equip ourselves for adulthood. We may also learn codependent behavior from watching or imitating other codependents in our family. And future generations may learn codependent behaviors from us if the cycle isn’t broken.
Codependent relationships often form as the result of trauma bonding between individuals who live in a cycle of abuse or mistreatment. It’s a method of coping with a stressful or unhealthy, traumatic, or abusive environment. Codependency develops as a self-protective response to supporting or “enabling” someone’s addiction, mental illness, immaturity, irresponsibility, or underachievement. It results from taking responsibility, accepting blame, or making excuses for another person’s harmful or hurtful behavior.
Why is codependency something to be healed?
Codependency is a form of self-abandonment. Instead of focusing on our lives, goals, issues, and our “stuff,” we focus on others and look for validation and approval from them. Others’ needs come first, and ours come last. Living like this can cause codependent individuals to become depressed or anxious or experience panic disorders. And because we abandon ourselves, we may doubt ourselves and have low self-esteem, low energy, feelings of helplessness, hopelessness, powerlessness, defeat, and low self-worth. When we have low self-worth, it’s natural to feel that we’re not worthy or good enough to ask for what we want or need. Instead, we might learn to get our needs met by manipulating people or consequences. We may discover that we feel worthy or good enough when we accept responsibilities that aren’t ours. As we mature, in order for us to feel emotionally or physically safe, it can feel natural and necessary for us to control as much of our environment as possible.
When we spend more time emotionally taking care of or focusing on others than ourselves, trying to control their behavior, how they perceive us, or the consequences of their choices, we have become codependent. When we take responsibility, blame, or make excuses for their harmful or hurtful behavior, we have become codependent. When we rely on others for our sense of identity, approval, or validation, we have become codependent. If we are focused on someone’s life, goals, issues, and “stuff” instead of our own, we have become codependent. If their needs come first, and ours come last, we have become codependent.
If you are an “action taker” and a “do-er,” you might be codependent.
The stages of becoming codependent
Codependency exists on a continuum from mild to severe. There are three stages in the development of codependency: the loss of self, the need to appease someone important to us, and the need to control the consequences of the other’s behavior. Let’s talk about each of those.
Loss of self: This early stage of codependency looks like we’re paying an increasing amount of attention to someone else. We may monitor their moods, become hypervigilant, and feel a strong desire to please them. In this phase, we deny or rationalize their problem behaviors and fabricate explanations that maintain our sense of safety. We may endure gaslighting because our focus is on keeping them calm and minimizing verbal or physical attacks or some other problematic behavior. We are as invisible as possible. We learn that we don’t matter.
Need to appease: This stage takes increased effort as we continue denying or minimizing the more painful aspects of a relationship. We likely feel anxious, guilty, and ashamed, but we purposefully hide these feelings from ourselves and others, along with our relationship problems. We may withdraw from other relationships and activities we enjoy. Our self-esteem decreases, and we continue to compromise ourselves to maintain a semblance of stability or predictability. Our focus is on taking someone’s “emotional temperature.” We learn to adjust our behavior and expectations according to what we sense is happening with them. We may feel angry, disappointed, unloved, or unimportant when we’re in this phase of codependency. We may begin using other maladaptive coping behaviors, including eating, bingeing, self-harming, stealing, engaging in risky sexual activity, or abusing substances.
Need to control consequences: In late-stage codependency, emotional and behavioral symptoms start affecting us. We may experience health issues like stomachaches, nightmares, headaches, muscle pain, tension, and TMJ. Self-esteem and self-care are almost nonexistent at this point, replaced by feelings of hopelessness, helplessness, anger, resentment, and overall unhappiness. We may begin to feel more symptoms of C-PTSD if we live with repetitive traumatic events.
When we’re in healthy relationships, we don’t feel obligated to help others avoid their naturally occurring consequences. Instead, both parties understand that outcomes should be experienced by the person who’s responsible for causing them.
Adult children
When we develop codependent coping skills as children, we will more than likely take them with us into adulthood if we haven’t learned better ways of coping. If we became codependent as children, we were probably caretakers for other adults or siblings. We were likely required to mature quickly and take responsibilities that were not age-appropriate. When it felt unsafe for us to be around our caretaker, we learned to tiptoe around the instability. We learned to “put up and shut up.” We monitored moods and responded accordingly, we noticed behavioral patterns, and we became very good at predicting behavior. We learned how to take the initiative in making someone else’s life easier or better so we could feel a sense of stability and safety. We became accustomed to doing things for them and others that they could do for themselves. Controlling our environment became equivalent to feeling safe.
Letting go of and no longer controlling the outcomes and consequences of someone else’s actions are some of the first steps in healing codependency.
As codependent adults, we spend time thinking about how to please and caretake others while our own social, professional, and personal responsibilities get neglected. We continue focusing on others despite the problems it creates. Because we still desire love, connection, and affection, we will continue compromising ourselves, emotionally caretaking and chasing after love and affection while settling for crumbs and feeling unloved, unseen, and not good enough. These behaviors eventually affect our ability to have healthy, mutually satisfying adult relationships. Because we feel confused, distrustful, hesitant, disoriented, and emotionally exhausted, we often find ourselves searching for answers and explanations as to why we feel this way.
We may also seek out individuals who fit with our codependent personalities. Codependency lends itself nicely to all kinds of unhealthy relationships. It wouldn’t be unusual to find ourselves in relationships involving alcoholism, substance abuse, verbal or physical abuse, and mental illness, including narcissism. Those who have experienced childhood trauma or abuse may eventually find themselves in abusive, toxic, or less-than-satisfying adult relationships. It makes sense: this toxic person’s behavior and way of relating to us seem familiar, and we already know our role and what’s expected of us within the relationship.
As codependents, we try to force ourselves painfully into a mold that we will never fit into. And we repeatedly try to become someone else’s idea of who we should be. Not knowing details about yourself that you know about others in your life, like favorite foods, music, authors, etc., is the result of an other-directed, other-focused life.
Codependents enjoy offering suggestions and advice even though they haven’t been asked for them. If we’re codependent, we feel responsible for people and issues that aren’t our responsibility. If we don’t attempt to help, fix, or control, we often feel guilty or ashamed. It feels wrong or selfish when we don’t jump in, take charge, or assist others who seem to be struggling. It feels wrong not to help even when they haven’t asked for our help. We feel that somehow it’s our job to take action, take over, and fix. We often feel the need to make excuses for others’ mistreatment of us or their poor behavior in general. We explain and justify to ourselves why it’s OK for them to do so. We often take the blame or minimize and deny the pain they cause. We codependents are famously known for our discomfort with saying “no.”
If we’re codependent, we most likely don’t have boundaries. We’ll justify, argue, defend, and overexplain because we want to be seen, affirmed, validated, and understood. We’ll continuously seek affirmation outside of ourselves to feel “good enough” or like we matter. Others often describe us as needy, “clingy,” or insecure.
How to know if you’re codependent
Are you codependent?
Have you taken actions that prevent someone from feeling or experiencing the consequences of their choices?
Have you tried to control the outcome of a particular situation or event?
Have you taken responsibility for someone’s actions or poor choices?
When you take responsibility (or accept blame or make excuses) for someone’s harmful or hurtful behavior, it “enables” them to keep doing it. (a) You’ve taken all the responsibility away from them and placed it on yourself, and (b) there are no negative consequences from which they can learn.
Do you do things for others that they could do for themselves?
Although it often feels right to take care of others, we’re often left feeling taken advantage of or resentful. So, if you feel resentful about something you did or are doing for someone, it might be that you’re using codependent behavior.
Have I/do I try to manage or control someone or their choices?
Have I taken on responsibilities that aren’t mine?
Have I ever been called “controlling” or a “control freak?”
Do I take care of others by cleaning up their messes, both figuratively and otherwise?
Codependency includes behaviors like the ones listed below. How many of these do you notice in yourself?
Being preoccupied or concerned with the needs of others
Placing a low priority on your own needs
Being attracted to needy or emotionally unavailable people
Believing that you have to be in a romantic relationship before you your life feels meaningful
Trying to control another’s behavior
Feeling incapable of ending a harmful or toxic relationship
Trying to please everyone even though you know you’ll feel resentful
Not taking time for yourself or ignoring your self-care
Fearing for another’s safety but being willing to risk your safety
Shielding someone from the consequences of their actions
Taking responsibility for how another person feels
Taking responsibility for what another person does
Trying to fix someone’s problem when they haven’t asked you to
Helping because it makes you feel better
Feeling like your life is full of unwanted drama
Healing codependency
Healing requires acknowledging your pain without letting it define you. Our wounds have left scars that will always be with us. But when we start healing and moving forward, the scars fade over time, hurting less, becoming less obvious, and we can truly heal and move forward. Healthy coping mechanisms help us to make sense of confusing or threatening life experiences and to respond appropriately in wholesome ways. When we use healthy coping skills, we’re able to “reframe” unpleasant events in a way that is healthier for us and feels better too. Reframing is also a step in the healing process.
When we’re free of codependent thinking and coping, we will understand and accept that we’re separate and complete beings. We have a strong sense of self, and our boundaries are squarely in place. We feel comfortable continuing to set new boundaries that keep us healthy, happy, and safe. We don’t feel any need to justify, explain, or make sense of another person’s behavior to ourselves or anyone else. We understand that others’ choices and actions are their responsibility, not ours. People are entitled to have thoughts and feelings about you that are incorrect. It’s not your job to correct their thinking. They will see you the way they see you. If you argue with them, defend yourself or get emotional, you will become drained while they are being recharged.
Once you have healthy boundaries in place, you will experience a shift in your emotions. You may start to notice that your sense of safety, security, and control, no longer needs to come from people-pleasing and manipulating outcomes. Instead, they’ll come from your boundaries.
Living as a codependent means that we’re not going to get our needs met, yet asking for anything on our own behalf feels wrong, imposing, excessive, or selfish. We’re afraid of dissatisfying others. If we disappoint anyone, it often leads to feeling guilt and shame, yet we continually look for someone to please. We make excuses for their poor behavior or mistreatment of us, minimizing the pain they cause. Holding on to this mindset and behavior pattern will attract dysfunctional people to us.
It helps to take a pretty deep and fearless dive into what’s actually going on with our thoughts and behavior. When I was ready, I began looking at how I chose to spend my time, noticing who benefited from it and who did not. I started to see it when I took care of others’ needs and ignored or denied my own. I asked myself why I made the choices I did. Little by little, I learned to live in awareness. (Not always, but more and more often!) My negative self-talk once enforced my belief that everyone’s needs were more important than my own. I started changing my self-talk, and I questioned, then changed, those limiting beliefs.
Setting boundaries, saying “no,” and letting others learn their life lessons “the hard way” became a few of my goals. I started to see my role in creating trauma bonds, and I learned how to break those bonds. It was a slow, deliberate, and sometimes painful process.
Some of the other steps I took to break free of codependent coping were: living in the moment, focusing on one day at a time, building a network of emotionally healthy people, letting go of ones who weren’t, and prioritizing self-care. As I learned to become aware of my codependent thinking and behavior, I was better able to let go of my desire to control outcomes, no matter how good my intentions were. I got comfortable watching friends and loved ones deal with the consequences of their poor choices. I had to sit still and stay uninvolved when they made poor decisions, even if it hurt them or cost them money or relationships. I learned to let them feel the freedom and the dignity of making their own choices and dealing with and learning from the outcomes. I learned to stop fixing and rescuing. I learned how to detach positively, set boundaries, and focus on self-care.
More tools
Conscious awareness: Be aware and make conscious choices before acting. Self-awareness releases us from making impulsive and potentially damaging decisions.
Self-care: We can only choose to focus on and be responsible for ourselves, our own thoughts, actions, and behavior. The good news is that we can change ourselves with patience, persistence, and practice. We can take responsibility for getting our needs met instead of waiting for someone to change or meet our needs for us. We are in control of ourselves, and no one is responsible for us but us.
Learn about letting go of what you can’t control, by using positive-detachment
Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.
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I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self, Workbook and Journal, by Diane Metcalf
A step-by-step method to learn how to write the highest vibrating, most powerful affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things.
As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping and healing strategies. She happily shares those with those who want to learn and grow in their own recovery journies.
Diane is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer on narcissism, family dysfunction, and abuse. She draws from her personal childhood experiences, as well as her work in human service fields like domestic violence and partner abuse. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.
Her transformational books about healing and moving forward include the highly praised “Lemon Moms” series. This emotionally supportive collection explains narcissistic traits and teaches how to reconcile past hurts to begin self-nurturing, healing, and moving forward.
There’s been a lot of research in the field of Early Childhood Development regarding trauma and abuse. The effects of a traumatic childhood on future adult behavior and relationships have been well documented. Two contemporary psychologists, John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth have contributed much to our current understanding of this connection. Their research reveals how unmet childhood emotional needs can impact their future mental health and relationships.
John Bowlby’s research and that of psychologist Mary Ainsworth contribute to the current body of work known as “attachment theory.”
Why does it matter?
John Bowlby (1907–1990) was a British psychologist and psychoanalyst known for his “childhood attachments” theory. He performed extensive research on the concept of attachment and described it as a “lasting psychological connectedness between human beings” (Bowlby 1969). He theorized that childhood experiences directly influence adult development and behavior and concluded that individual attachment styles are established in early childhood wholly through infant/caregiver relationships.
According to Bowlby, the attachment phase takes place in the first three years of life. His research indicates that to develop a healthy sense of self, including a foundation for forming healthy adult relationships, we must feel safe in our key caregiver relationships. Traumatic experiences may negatively impact the child’s ability to form secure attachments in the future.
Here’s the thing: survivors of complex childhood trauma often have difficulty forming attachments to other people. This struggle creates a self-perpetuating cycle: an unfulfilled desire for connection leads to loneliness and isolation, which can lead to depression, risky, and self-destructive behaviors, which can lead to loneliness and isolation.
In 1970, Dr. Ainsworth expanded on Bowlby’s work in her paper “Attachment, Exploration, and Separation: Illustrated by The Behavior of One-Year-Olds in a Strange Situation.” In her research, she discovered three major attachment styles: secure, ambivalent-insecure, and avoidant-insecure attachment (Ainsworth and Bell 1970). They were expanding on that research in 1986 when Drs. Mary Main and Judith Solomon added a fourth attachment style called “disorganized-insecure attachment” (Main and Solomon 1986). Additional research supports their conclusions and the idea that early attachment styles can predict future behavior.
The Attachment Styles
The following is a description of the four attachment styles as per Drs. Ainsworth, Main, and Solomon:
A secure attachment style forms when a primary caregiver is mostly predictable, reliable, and trustworthy. If a parent or caregiver is a source of comfort, the child feels relaxed as they discover, learn, and play in their environment. As an adult, this person can develop meaningful connections with others and confidently deals with the inevitable disagreements.
An insecure ambivalent attachment
style forms when
a primary caregiver is unreliable, erratic, or unpredictable. There are times the
child feels cared for, which are interspersed with times of being shouted at or
rejected. These kinds of mixed messages often lead to the child feeling
indecisive, hesitant, or doubtful. As an adult, this person may feel a sense of
dependency combined with a fear of abandonment.
An insecure-avoidant attachment
style forms when
a primary caregiver is disengaged, distant, and unavailable. The child’s needs go
unmet or are ignored, and they learn to take care of themselves, becoming self-reliant.
As an adult, this person may have a dismissive attitude towards other’s emotional
needs or lack the ability to experience intimacy with others.
A disorganized attachment style forms when a primary caregiver is
chaotic and abusive. The caregiver is not a source of love and nurturing but of
fear and trepidation. Kids still attach to an aggressive, cruel, or abusive parent
because humans are born with a need for closeness. But we also have a strong
need to escape danger. A child in this position will likely develop feelings of
helplessness and hopelessness because they’re caught in the middle; they need
and desire attachment and also need to escape danger. As an adult, this person
will likely alternate between feeling fear or anger and defeat or depression.
It’s common to repeat the first relational patterns and attachment styles we learned as children. (Schwartz, A., 2019). Most of us have a “combination style” of attachment because we often have more than one parent or caretaker. Each of them treats us differently, and so we develop a combination of these four attachment styles.
Tools
Conscious awareness: Be aware and make conscious choices before acting. Self-awareness releases us from making impulsive and potentially damaging decisions. Learn about setting boundaries
Self-care: We can only choose to focus on and be responsible for ourselves, our own thoughts, actions, and behavior. The good news is that we can change ourselves with patience, persistence, and practice. We can take responsibility for getting our needs met, instead of waiting for someone to change or meet our needs for us. We are in control of ourselves and no one is responsible for us but us.
Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.
Private Facebook group included for members only.
Get the TOOLBOX APP
for instant information, support, and validation!
I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self, Workbook and Journal, by Diane Metcalf
A step-by-step method to learn how to write the highest vibrating, most powerful affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things.
As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping and healing strategies. She happily shares those with those who want to learn and grow in their own recovery journies.
Diane is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer on narcissism, family dysfunction, and abuse. She draws from her personal childhood experiences, as well as her work in human service fields like domestic violence and partner abuse. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.
Her transformational books about healing and moving forward include the highly praised “Lemon Moms” series. This emotionally supportive collection explains narcissistic traits and teaches how to reconcile past hurts to begin self-nurturing, healing, and moving forward.
Did you know that when your basic needs aren’t met, you lose your ability to think rationally and logically? You see, if we neglect ourselves, we’re not able to participate in our lives fully. When we let ourselves get run down, we no longer have the ability to think clearly, and it isn’t possible to make good decisions.
The acronym HALT stands for hungry, angry, lonely, and tired.
Using the acronym HALT is an excellent way to check in with ourselves. It reminds us to stop and redirect our focus, to pay attention to and meet our own needs to take care of our well-being. It is a method used in many 12-step programs to teach the importance of focusing on ourselves while doing difficult healing or growth work
Applying the acronym HALT or The HALT Method to our lives is also a way to set healthy boundaries. It’s a reminder that we need to take care of ourselves, beginning with our basic needs. When we go without food or sleep, or we isolate or don’t attend to our stressors, it depletes our ability to cope.
Using HALT is a very simple way to alert us to pay attention to our well-being. Using HALT means we stop what we’re doing and come back to it only after we’ve taken care of our unmet need(s).
The effects of self-neglect
If we ignore our need to eat, deal with anger, be with people or sleep, we create an unhealthy emotional environment for ourselves where it’s impossible to thrive. When we’re in that unhealthy emotional environment, we may think negatively, have a sour outlook, fail to see obvious choices, make poor decisions, forget, withdraw, push people away, or stop socializing. We may stop enforcing our personal boundaries or lapse back into codependent behaviors. Neglecting ourselves in order to take care of someone, especially those capable of their own self-care, can make us ill. We need to pay attention to what our bodies tell us and then focus back to ourselves.
Why self-care is essential
When we learn to take care of ourselves, life feels better. When we make the effort to take care of our needs because we feel worthy of taking care of ourselves, our self-esteem improves. Our beliefs about what we should hang onto, and what we should let go of start to change, and we start setting healthy boundaries. We start to understand what’s our responsibility and what’s not. Part of the process is having a quick and easy way of checking in to see what we need and then giving it to ourselves.
Remember that airline mandate about putting on your own oxygen mask before attempting to help others with theirs? In the same spirit, ensure that your self-care commitments are at least as important to you as someone else’s would be. If you don’t take care of yourself, then who will? No one is capable of caring more about you than you are!
How to Use HALT
Hungry
Hunger is a sign that we are lacking or in need of something physical or emotional hunger. Are we hungry for food? Ask yourself: Is my stomach growling? Am I irritable or lightheaded? When was the last time I ate? Physical hunger is associated with food, diet, and nutrition, which are undeniably important aspects of our overall health.
We require nourishing food in order to be well and thrive. Let’s treat ourselves with kindness. Take a look at how and what you’re eating and see if there’s room for improvement.
Maybe we’re feeling emotional hunger. Ask yourself: Am I craving attention, validation, affection, or affirmation? Stop and do a quick self-assessment to figure out what you need. Validate yourself. Affirm yourself. If you need attention or affection, find ways to give those to yourself too.
Angry
When we’re angry, our brain is flooded with chemicals meant to activate our “fight or flight” response. So if we’re feeling angry, it’s easy to overreact and our behavior will almost certainly be out of proportion to the actual event that triggered it.
Anger is a secondary emotion, meaning that there is always an emotion that we feel first, for a fraction of a second. It’s that first (primary) emotion that triggers anger.
So when we’re angry, it’s important to stop and figure out the primary emotion.
For example:
Let’s say that you suddenly find yourself angry because you feel disrespected. If you look closely enough, you may find that the first trigger was a spoken message. Someone just said words to you that started the whole thing. Those words caused (“triggered”) an emotionally sensitive belief to re-surface, a belief like “I’m not good enough“ or “I’m not important.”
The “I’m not good enough/I’m not important” belief is loaded with feelings that were the first emotions that you felt for just a split second. Those feelings triggered the anger.
To summarize:
The first trigger was spoken words.
The second trigger was feeling “not good enough/not important”.
“Not good enough/not important” triggered the anger. The words that were spoken to you did not trigger your anger.
It’s really fascinating, isn’t it?
Stories
The “not good enough/I’m not important“ beliefs are stories we repeatedly tell ourselves. We have LOTS of stories. They’re often on autoplay! We can catch ourselves when we start hearing those narratives and turn them off. We CAN learn to control what we tell ourselves. For now, try to start looking deeper when you get angry. See if you can find the primary emotion and the trigger that caused it. Start making a list of your triggers. You’ll learn some interesting things about yourself and you’ll start seeing patterns. Eventually, you’ll be able to devise a strategy to use when the triggers present themselves again in the future.
Lonely
When we feel lonely it’s often because we feel like we don’t fit in or belong, or we think that people won’t accept us or understand us or our current situation. Sometimes it’s because we’ve withdrawn from others, because of the fear of being criticized or judged, or even worse, rejected.
Loneliness leads to isolation and isolation is often used as a maladaptive coping mechanism. Trying to fix loneliness by drinking, binge eating, shopping, or gambling doesn’t solve the problem. Those are self-destructive behaviors and they just create new problems. The cure for isolation (and loneliness) is to be willing to step out of our comfort zones, feel vulnerable and reach out to make a connection.
When we’re tired or sleepy, we’re extremely vulnerable to making poor choices because our brains aren’t functioning optimally. Healthy sleep cycles and routines are essential for both physical and mental health.
When we’re sleep-deprived for whatever reason, it’s not the time for making decisions or having important conversations. If you find yourself tired and you have an important meeting to attend or an important decision to make, postpone it if possible until you’re better-rested.
Summary
Using the acronym HALT or The HALT Method is a simple (but not always easy) way to foster mindfulness and self-awareness. Both mindfulness and self-awareness are vital for insight and personal growth. Personal growth allows us to live a happier, more fulfilled life.
Try using The HALT Method to foster better self-awareness and to remind yourself to practice good self-care.
HALT: Check in with yourself to see if you’re Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired. Give yourself what you need.
Conscious awareness: Be aware and make conscious choices before acting. Self-awareness releases us from making impulsive and potentially damaging decisions.
Progress not perfection: Let’s give ourselves credit and just enjoy being human! No one is perfect. People just like to pretend they are.
I’m in control of me. We can only choose to focus on and be responsible for ourselves, our own thoughts, actions, and behavior. The good news is that we can change ourselves with patience, persistence, and practice. We can take responsibility for getting our needs met instead of waiting for someone to change or meet our needs for us. We are in control of ourselves, and no one is responsible for us but us.
Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.
Private Facebook group included for members only.
Get the TOOLBOX APP
for instant information, support, and validation!
I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self, Workbook and Journal, by Diane Metcalf
A step-by-step method to learn how to write the highest vibrating, most powerful affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things.
As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping and healing strategies. She happily shares those with those who want to learn and grow in their own recovery journies.
Diane is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer on narcissism, family dysfunction, and abuse. She draws from her personal childhood experiences, as well as her work in human service fields like domestic violence and partner abuse. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.
Her transformational books about healing and moving forward include the highly praised “Lemon Moms” series. This emotionally supportive collection explains narcissistic traits and teaches how to reconcile past hurts to begin self-nurturing, healing, and moving forward.
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