The Toolbox
  • THE TOXIC UNDO
  • Books
  • FREE
  • Self-talk
  • Contribute
  • Earn Cash
THE TOXIC UNDO
Books
FREE
Self-talk
Contribute
Earn Cash
The Toolbox
  • THE TOXIC UNDO
  • Books
  • FREE
  • Self-talk
  • Contribute
  • Earn Cash
Browsing Category
Archive
Boundaries•Self Care•Trauma

How to Recognize Hurtful, Unsupportive and Non-nurturing People

Love shouldn't hurt
June 3, 2022 by Diane M. Metcalf, MS No Comments

When it comes to healing from any kind of abuse, or mistreatment, The Toolbox recognizes the importance of identifying unhelpful thoughts and behaviors, and then replacing them with healthy ones. The writing here also stresses empowerment: by setting personal boundaries, finding our authentic selves, speaking our truths, nurturing our inner children, and by affirming and validating ourselves. Here, the connection is made clear between gaslighting, codependency, trauma bonds, C-PTSD, attachment styles, and our future health, well-being, and relationships.

Identifying those individuals who would interrupt, reverse, or stall our healing process is a necessary part of that ongoing recovery journey.

Quick Document Links:

  • Identifying toxic people is an essential step in healing from any kind of abuse or mistreatment
  • “Paying attention to their words” means:
  • “Paying attention to your emotions” means checking in with your feelings:
  • “Paying attention to their behavior” means you need to:
  • More Tools

Identifying toxic people is an essential step in healing from any kind of abuse or mistreatment

As you begin recovering from the effects of gaslighting, codependency, cognitive dissonance, trauma bonding, betrayal, or C-PTSD, your self-care organically becomes more important. As part of your everyday self-care, it’s crucial to know how to recognize toxic or dangerous individuals (and limit your exposure to them by using boundaries.) This is an ongoing way to take care of and protect yourself from further trauma or victimization.

The WEB Method is a “quick and easy way to identify potentially dangerous people.” WEB stands for words, emotions, and behavior. The method was developed by a licensed social worker, Bill Eddy. According to Eddy, there are three things to examine to find out if there’s a chance someone may be unsafe:

The WEB method requires you to pay attention to:

  1. the WORDS the individual uses
  2. YOUR emotions (How do you feel when around this person: On high alert? Unsafe? Unsure? Hesitant? Confused? Embarrassed? Afraid? Etc.)
  3. THEIR behavior (How do they act: Arrogant? Blaming? Shaming? Critical? Cruel? Lacking empathy? Unstable? Risk-taking? Etc.) (Eddy 2018).

“Paying attention to their words” means:

  • Noticing if they use either extremely positive or extremely negative words to describe you or others. This indicates black and white thinking, a trait of narcissists, and those who have personality disorders, including psychopaths.
  • Looking for words that indicate a lack of emotional empathy or lack of interest or disregard for others. Again, narcissistic traits, as well as those with borderline personality disorder, sociopaths, and psychopaths.
  • Spotting words that indicate that they see themselves as a victim or that they think they’ve been duped, targeted, or wounded. These are traits of narcissists as well as individuals who blame, make excuses, shirk responsibility, harbor resentment, and use negative self-talk.

You’ve made a lot of progress and come too far to let yourself get involved with a shaming, blaming, “poor me.”

Notice if they virtue signal. Virtue signaling is the not-so-humble declaration of one’s morals and values. “I’m generous,” “I’m extremely open-minded,” “I’m a good person.” These could be examples of words not matching actions. When someone wants others to believe what they say about themselves, it’s a type of gaslighting. Most of us don’t need to talk about or convince others of our good qualities. When a person possesses admirable character and integrity, they don’t need to announce or advertise it. They simply live it, and people notice.

“Paying attention to your emotions” means checking in with your feelings:

  • How do you feel when you’re around this person? Confused? Emotionally Drained? Hurt? Defeated? Exhausted? Misunderstood? Stupid? Inadequate? Bullied? Sick? Mocked? Belittled? Humiliated? Why do you think you feel this way? What is your body trying to tell you?
  • Do they seem too good to be true? “Charm” is considered to be a warning sign. People who intensely or endlessly flatter, praise, or compliment are often manipulative. Pouring on the charm may indicate that they’re a deceptive or controlling person. Keep monitoring.
  • Do you feel like you can’t catch your breath or you can’t think straight when you’re around them? Psychopaths, sociopaths, borderlines, and narcissists can overwhelm others with their posturing and self-directed focus. They dominate conversations, don’t allow differences of opinion, and keep the focus on themselves. Conversations often feel like debates, and it’s usually hard to change the subject, or disengage, because they simply won’t’ allow it. When you’re in a discussion with a narcissist, you’ll feel unheard, misunderstood, or dismissed, and you’ll likely be mocked, or ridiculed if you challenge or disagree with them.
shark-1-300x169 How to Recognize Hurtful, Unsupportive and Non-nurturing People

“Paying attention to their behavior” means you need to:

  • Focus on their actions. Dangerous, toxic, and mentally ill people including narcissists are often defensive and will verbally or even physically attack those who criticize or appear to challenge them. Notice how they treat others. Do they humiliate or shame others? Do they embarrass you or cause you to want to apologize for their behavior?
  • Notice their dismissal, disregard, or indifference of yourself or others. Do they interrupt you? Talk over you? Scorn, laugh at, or minimize your point of view? Is the message that what they say or do is more important than anybody else? These indicate an ego-centered worldview. Not good.
  • Notice if they blame others for their own mistakes or poor choices. Narcissists and “poor-me’s” are famous for being big blamers. They shirk responsibility and don’t learn from their mistakes. Nothing is ever their fault. They don’t make mistakes!
  • Notice if they encourage others to admire them. Do they seek attention, compliments, praise, or admiration? These are all forms of narcissistic supply, indicating that you may have a narcissist on your hands.

Could you be feeling the effects of Narcissism Awareness Grief? Download the free chapter to find out:

EXPERIENCING NARCISSISM AWARENESS GRIEF

from Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism


Healing from abuse, betrayal or mistreatment is a complex, energy-consuming, and often painful undertaking. It requires commitment, patience, and time. It means doing the hard work and taking excellent self-care. Protecting ourselves from those who would hurt, take advantage, manipulate, or interrupt, (reverse, or stall) our progress, is part of that process.

All the best-

More Tools

Start using positive detachment

Learn to set boundaries

Learn about dysfunctional family roles

Find out what trauma does to your brain

Learn about codependency and other maladaptive coping skills

Understand the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle

Learn about Narcissism Awareness Grief

More Resources You May Like:

Visit the TOXIC UNDO for More Healing

Join the Free Email Survival Course:

Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.

Private Facebook group included for members only.

Register Here!
Free 8-week email Survival Course

    I respect your privacy. Unsubscribe at anytime.

    Get the TOOLBOX APP

    for instant information, support, and validation!

    Toolbox-App-on-Website-2 How to Recognize Hurtful, Unsupportive and Non-nurturing People
    GOOGLEPLAY-EMBLEM How to Recognize Hurtful, Unsupportive and Non-nurturing People
    app-store-logo How to Recognize Hurtful, Unsupportive and Non-nurturing People

    2-1024x1024 How to Recognize Hurtful, Unsupportive and Non-nurturing People

    I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self, Workbook and Journal, by Diane Metcalf

    Experience the power of self-affirmation: using positive statements to improve well-being and performance. Learn research-based steps to write the most effective affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things.

    Get it Here:

    Author’s Site: Free Shipping
    Barnes and Noble
    Amazon
    Browse the Positivity Shop

    Get the TOOLBOX posts twice monthly in your inbox!

    Sign-up for twice monthly coping and healing strategies right to your inbox!
    ​
    ​
    Your Free Gift:
    An Inner Child Guided Healing Meditation MP3

      We respect your privacy. Unsubscribe at anytime.

      3D-3-book-series How to Recognize Hurtful, Unsupportive and Non-nurturing People

      About the Author

      Facetune_06-05-2021-18-24-57-150x150 How to Recognize Hurtful, Unsupportive and Non-nurturing People

      As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping and healing strategies. She happily shares those with those who want to learn and grow in their own recovery journies. 

      Diane is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer on narcissism, family dysfunction, and abuse. She draws from her personal childhood experiences, as well as her work in human service fields like domestic violence and partner abuse. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.

      Her transformational books about healing and moving forward include the highly praised “Lemon Moms” series. This emotionally supportive collection explains narcissistic traits and teaches how to reconcile past hurts to begin self-nurturing, healing, and moving forward.

      See what’s new on DianeMetcalf.com

      Learn about the Lemon Moms series: Lemon Moms

      This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

      Read more

      Please share!

      Reading time: 5 min
      Would You Like to Help Support the Toolbox?

      Tip Jar
      Do You Have Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome?

      FIND OUT HERE

      Coming 2023

      Topic: How to identify toxic, unsupportive, narcissistic, and non-nurturing people, and what to do if you’re in a relationship with one.

      Sign up for exclusive access to progress, info, contests, surveys, and the launch team,
      and be among the first notified when the book is available! (Title and cover subject to change.)

      Join the Waitlist

      Recent Posts

      • Reclaiming Our Power: Moving Beyond Victimhood After Relational Trauma
      • Lack of Empathy: A Big Red Flag
      • Starting Fresh Requires Looking Back
      • Does Your Self-talk Need a Makeover?
      • Breaking Free from Shame: Overcoming the Lies of Narcissistic Trauma Bonding

      Older Posts

      • March 2023
      • February 2023
      • January 2023
      • December 2022
      • November 2022
      • October 2022
      • September 2022
      • August 2022
      • July 2022
      • June 2022
      • May 2022
      • April 2022
      • March 2022
      • February 2022
      • January 2022
      • December 2021
      • November 2021
      • October 2021
      • September 2021
      • August 2021
      • July 2021
      • June 2021
      • May 2021
      • April 2021
      • March 2021
      • February 2021
      • January 2021
      • December 2020
      • November 2020
      • October 2020
      • September 2020
      • August 2020
      • July 2020
      • June 2020
      • May 2020
      • April 2020
      • March 2020
      • February 2020
      • January 2020
      • December 2019
      • November 2019
      • October 2019
      • September 2019
      • August 2019
      • July 2019
      • June 2019
      • May 2019
      • April 2019
      • March 2019
      • February 2019
      • January 2019

      Categories

      • Anger
      • Books
      • Boundaries
      • C-PTSD
      • Codependency
      • Cognitive Dissonance
      • Detaching
      • Gaslighting
      • Healing Affirmations
      • Isolation
      • Narcissism
      • Resources
      • Scapegoating
      • Self Care
      • Self-talk
      • Shame
      • Trauma
      • Well-being

      © 2023 DianeMetcalf.com | All Rights Reserved 
       

       

      We use cookies to improve your experience. We'll assume you're ok with this, but you can opt-out if you wish. Cookie settingsI'd love some cookies!
      Privacy & Cookies Policy

      Privacy Overview

      This website uses cookies to improve your experience while you navigate through the website. Out of these cookies, the cookies that are categorized as necessary are stored on your browser as they are as essential for the working of basic functionalities of the website. We also use third-party cookies that help us analyze and understand how you use this website. These cookies will be stored in your browser only with your consent. You also have the option to opt-out of these cookies. But opting out of some of these cookies may have an effect on your browsing experience.
      Necessary
      Always Enabled
      Necessary cookies are absolutely essential for the website to function properly. This category only includes cookies that ensures basic functionalities and security features of the website. These cookies do not store any personal information.
      SAVE & ACCEPT