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Anger
Anger•C-PTSD•Well-being

Starting Fresh Requires Looking Back

Best Happy New Year
January 2, 2023 by Diane M. Metcalf, MS No Comments

While there’s nothing magical about January 1st, every new year still brings a sense of hope, motivation, inspiration, and a fresh start.

NOT GOOD ENOUGH

Those of us who grew up in an atmosphere of blaming, shaming, humiliating, intimidating, manipulating, mocking, sarcasm, or lying, felt confused, socially awkward, “less than,” and probably not “good enough.” Growing up in a family with unhealthy dynamics meant that we repeatedly and consistently got the message that everyone else’s needs were more important than our own.

When we carry these thoughts or beliefs into adulthood, we easily become action-takers and “fixers,” people-pleasers who attempt to control outcomes and solve other people’s problems. We take responsibilities that aren’t ours, and we may get a lot of satisfaction from acquiring these “projects”—always helping, forever putting our own needs, wants, and to-do’s last, if at all. We feel unloved and resentful, and we don’t understand why.

Quick Links:

  • THE IMPORTANCE OF VALIDATION
  • PERSONAL LIMITS
  • INTRODUCING: CODEPENDENCE
  • STARTING FRESH
  • TOOLS FOR MOVING FORWARD

Growing up in an oppressive environment meant we couldn’t freely express our feelings or ask questions because no one was interested in them, or it didn’t feel safe to do so. As adults, it is hard for us to talk about personal things or have difficult discussions, and we avoid conflict at all costs.

If we carry the unconscious core belief that we’re somehow fundamentally flawed or undeserving of kindness and love, we may willingly but unintentionally become the dumping ground for others’ emotional garbage. Though we don’t like it, we might unconsciously believe that we don’t deserve anything better than the kind of treatment we endured as kids.

Growing up in a toxic or neglectful environment can create problems that can last a lifetime.

“The conflict between the will to deny horrible events and the will to proclaim them aloud is the central dialectic of psychological trauma.”

—Judith Lewis Herman, Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence—From Domestic Abuse to Political Terror

THE IMPORTANCE OF VALIDATION

Validation is the act of recognizing or affirming someone’s feelings or thoughts as being sound or worthwhile. The act of validating is an essential aspect of parenting because it opens the door to safe communication. Feeling heard and understood allows people to trust, which is a cornerstone of every relationship.

A validating mother listens to what her child is saying. She understands that her child has their own emotions and thoughts, even if she doesn’t necessarily agree with them. Validation is a nonjudgmental and supportive action that requires empathy.

When a child falls and skins her knee, a validating mother will understand that the crying child is in pain and requires some form of caretaking or soothing to feel better. The remedy could simply be a verbal expression of empathy and understanding, (acknowledging that the child is hurting), or hugging and kissing her, or applying antibiotic ointment and a Band-Aid. The point is that this child knows she’s been heard, understood, cared for, and loved. She feels worthy of her mom’s time and effort and believes she’s valued. This is validation. The mother may not think the injury is as severe as the child may believe, but she doesn’t judge. She accepts how the child feels; she doesn’t minimize or negate her child’s feelings.

A validating mother would say something like, “Wow! You’re really crying hard! Your knee must hurt a lot. Let’s see if I can make you feel better.”

In 2016, an observational study was done to see if a relationship existed between a mother’s emotional validation and the degree of awareness her child has about their own emotions. They found that the mother’s degree of emotional validation and invalidation were accurate predictors of the child’s perception of their own emotional state. In other words, a child’s ability to recognize their own emotions comes from being validated by their mother first. (Lambie and Lindberg 2016).

If our mother doesn’t “see us” and validate us as individuals who have thoughts, feelings, and goals of our own, we may start thinking, feeling, or believing that we don’t matter. If we establish this mindset as children, that we’re not good enough, or that it’s OK to be mistreated or unloved, or ignored, then we don’t learn how to validate ourselves. We don’t know how to comfortably acknowledge our positive characteristics or our personal or professional accomplishments, either.

Of course, we may receive validation from other people besides our mothers. Caring adults, older siblings, or a father can affirm and support us too. But being approved of and understood by our mother is a unique and vital experience.

Because validation requires empathy, narcissists will not be able to perform this responsibility.

As I mentioned before, if we haven’t experienced what it’s like to be treated as unique beings who matter, we may form the belief that others’ needs are more important than our own. This is important to note because a belief is created when our feelings become connected with our thoughts (Lamia 2012).

Without examining our original childhood beliefs, we may simply bring them along with us into adulthood, even though they’re no longer relevant, are self-limiting, and are untrue.

When I was four years old, I was alone outside, barefoot, and stubbed my bare big toe; it bled, and my little self knew it was the worst pain I’d ever experienced. I was appalled by the hanging flap of skin and I was understandably frightened.

On this particular day, in response to my limping into the house wailing and interrupting her TV show, my mother angrily grabbed my forearm and hauled me into the bathroom. She proceeded to run water over my foot, adding a whole new dimension of unexpected stinging pain. The entire time, she furiously and loudly berated and humiliated me for running (I wasn’t running), “not looking where you’re going,” and for not knowing “how to walk without hurting myself.” I’d dared to lack the focus and navigational skill required and had burdened her with my injury.

There was no kiss, no hug, no feeling of being understood or valued, cared for, or even loved. There was no Band-Aid. Just continuous berating and humiliating, which ended with an admonishment to be more careful next time and not let it happen again. I was sent back outside, still not knowing what I had done wrong and trying to figure it out, feeling ashamed of myself and embarrassed by my inability to negotiate the walkway safely. I rejected others’ empathy or sympathy for my injury and redirected their attention to anything other than myself. I didn’t feel worthy of anyone’s concern or kindness.

To this day, remembering this event confounds me. Over the years, I’ve explained it in various ways. But the explanation that rings most true is that this must have been a narcissistic injury for my mother. A narcissistic injury is anything that threatens the ‘false self.’ Her rage at me for falling made no sense, and she flipped the scenario to make herself the victim: because of me, she had to get off her chair, miss a portion of her TV show (that was the time before VCRs and DVRs,) and treat my wound. She was angry because I “should have known better” than to cause her this inconvenience.

When I became a mother, I was incredibly aware that I wanted to raise my children very differently than I was. I knew that I sorely lacked healthy parenting skills and parent role models. I wanted to learn how to parent lovingly and responsibly. I needed to learn proper parenting techniques, and I tried to find healthy mother role models to imitate. I was on the lookout for them everywhere I went.

I remember sitting on my porch when my neighbor’s young child fell and hurt herself. The child’s mother ran over and scooped her up, sat her on a step, and examined her bleeding knee. I watched them very carefully. I saw the mother gently blow on the knee, (I had never seen this done before, and thought it probably minimized the sting.) I later learned from the mom that she applied antiseptic, administered a chewable painkiller, and applied a cheerful Band-Aid. The little girl was outside playing again in a matter of minutes. That mom was a validating mother. She affirmed her child in a kind and loving manner, and that was the kind of mother I wanted to be.

Here’s my point: If we don’t learn that we’re unique people who matter simply because we exist, and if we don’t know how to identify our emotions because we’ve never learned how we’re at risk of developing unhealthy coping mechanisms. We may have a hard time accepting when someone likes or tries to befriend us, and we question why they would want to. If someone does something kind for us, we may assume it’s a form of manipulation, or we may be confused by it. When our emotional, psychological, or physical needs go unmet, we often find other ways (possibly harmful or maladaptive) to get by.

PERSONAL LIMITS

When we grow up in an oppressive or toxic environment, we don’t know that there are ways to protect ourselves from mistreatment. We may grow into adults who unconsciously broadcast the message that we exist to be of service to others and that it doesn’t matter how they treat us. As adults, we may accept disrespect, unfair or unkind treatment, and even physical, verbal, and emotional abuse.

If we haven’t seen healthy boundaries modeled, then we don’t know what a healthy boundary looks like or how to create one, so we become hypervigilant instead. This means that a brain structure called the amygdala stores threatening behavior patterns in our memory, causing our focus becomes external. So we focus on others’ behavior and moods, continually alert and ready for anything. This is the fight-flight-freeze response which contributes heavily to C-PTSD, an anxiety disorder caused by trauma.

This preoccupation with focusing on others also contributes to becoming codependent.

INTRODUCING: CODEPENDENCE

When we have low self-worth, it’s natural to feel that we’re not good enough to ask for what we want or need. Instead, we learn to use subtle forms of manipulation to get our needs met. This is a learned survival skill. It developed out of necessity. In order for us to feel emotionally or physically safe, it feels necessary to control as much of our environment as we can in an attempt to avoid nasty surprises. Feeling like we’re in control makes us feel safe. We begin managing aspects of others’ lives, and may even believe that we’re emotionally stronger, more capable, and better at it than they are. When we spend more time taking care of or focusing on others, or when we try to control the outcomes of others’ choices or behavior, we become codependent.

Codependency develops as a self-protective response. It’s a way of coping with a stressful or unhealthy, traumatic, or abusive environment and can be learned by watching and imitating other codependents too. It’s a learned behavior that can be passed down through generations.

Codependents willingly play by others’ “rules,” losing their own identity. It affects a person’s ability to have healthy, mutually satisfying adult relationships.

If we’re codependent, we most likely believe that we know what’s best for other people and their lives, and we think we know how to fix their problems. We want them to follow our unsolicited advice and are often hurt or angered when they don’t.

To a codependent, helping and fixing other people or their problems feels good. They feel needed and are highly attracted to people who could use their help. Codependents enjoy offering suggestions and advice even though they haven’t been asked for them. If we’re codependent, we feel responsible for people and issues that aren’t our responsibility, and if we don’t attempt to help, fix, or control, we often feel guilty or ashamed. It feels wrong not to jump in, take charge, or aid others who seem to be struggling, even though they haven’t reached out for assistance. We seem to have no choice but to take responsibilities that aren’t ours. We just feel that somehow, it’s our job to take action, take over, and fix.

If we’re codependent, we most likely don’t have boundaries. We disclose almost everything we think and do and assume we won’t be believed. We overexplain our choices because if we’ve not enjoyed our mother’s validation (or if we’ve been continually invalidated), we still crave to be heard, understood, and affirmed. We’ll continuously seek affirmation outside of ourselves to feel “good enough” or that we matter. This is called “external validation,” and codependents seek external validation and affirmation any way they can get it. It’s often described as being needy, “clingy,” or insecure.

Codependents continually look for someone to please. We feel the need to make excuses for others’ mistreatment of us or their poor behavior in general. We explain to ourselves why they’re abusing us and why it’s OK for them to do so. We often take the blame. We minimize and deny the pain they cause us. Codependents are known for their discomfort with saying “no.”

Healthy coping mechanisms, on the other hand, help us to make sense of confusing or threatening life experiences and to respond appropriately in wholesome ways. You’ve heard the saying “when life gives you lemons, make lemonade”? Well, that’s a coping skill: taking something negative and turning it into a positive. In reality, nothing has changed. Life has still given us lemons, but instead of getting angry, depressed, or feeling slighted or misunderstood, we choose to look at it another way. When we use healthy coping, we’re able to reframe negative events in a way that feels better.

STARTING FRESH

Looking at our past can be difficult for many reasons. First of all, it hurts. Secondly, we may think it’s pointless because it happened so long ago. But if you’re affected by or struggling with self-esteem, self-confidence, lack of boundaries, anger, or another issue, it could be worthwhile to revisit the past with a therapist, trauma counselor, or other mental health professional. See where and when these issues started and make a treatment plan to resolve them. The second step is doing that work to heal and move forward. The key is getting started.

TOOLS FOR MOVING FORWARD

Learn about Dysfunctional Family Roles: Golden, Invisible, and Scapegoat

Learn about codependency and unhealthy survival skills learned in childhood

Take the Adverse Childhood Experiences quiz

Understand Narcissism Awareness Grief

Let go of what you can’t control by using positive-detachment

Learn to recognize the Cycle of Abuse

Set some boundaries 

More Resources You May Like:

Join the Free Email Survival Course:

Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.

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    I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self, Workbook and Journal, by Diane Metcalf

    A step-by-step method to learn how to write the highest vibrating, most powerful affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things.

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      About the Author

      Facetune_06-05-2021-18-24-57-239x300 Starting Fresh Requires Looking Back

      As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping and healing strategies. She happily shares those with those who want to learn and grow in their own recovery journies. 

      Diane is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer on narcissism, family dysfunction, and abuse. She draws from her personal childhood experiences, as well as her work in human service fields like domestic violence and partner abuse. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.

      Her transformational books about healing and moving forward include the highly praised “Lemon Moms” series. This emotionally supportive collection explains narcissistic traits and teaches how to reconcile past hurts to begin self-nurturing, healing, and moving forward.

      See what’s new on DianeMetcalf.com

      Learn about the Lemon Moms series: Lemon Moms

      This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

      Read more

      Please share!

      Reading time: 12 min
      Anger•C-PTSD•Shame

      The Act of Shaming

      feeling shame
      November 5, 2022 by Diane M. Metcalf, MS No Comments

      Shaming is a control technique woven throughout abuse cycles. Shaming can be accomplished with mixed messages, sarcasm, scapegoating, narcissistic rages, gaslighting, and trauma bonding, to name a few. One thing is for sure: you’ll find active shaming wherever there is a narcissist.

      Shame tells us that everyone is judging us as unforgivingly as we judge ourselves. Shame lies. It says that we’re unworthy of acceptance or belonging; that we deserve insults, criticisms, rejection, and loneliness. Shame says that we’re not good enough.

      Quick Links:

      • IT’S ABOUT CONTROL
      • METHODS OF SHAMING
      • FORGIVENESS AS A FORM OF SELF-CARE
      • TOOLS FOR RECOVERY

      IT’S ABOUT CONTROL

      Using the word “abusive” to describe any relationship can feel like a sad excuse or blame for unresolved issues. When we use the word “abuse,” it can feel like attention-seeking or sympathy-seeking. It can feel like we’re saying, “poor me; I’m a helpless victim.” The word “abuse” is full of shame.

      We may intentionally minimize our painful experiences because we don’t want to think of someone as an “abuser” or ourselves as unwitting targets. Having those thoughts can cause us to feel more ashamed, which affects our core identity. Those of us who’ve experienced traumatic events due to someone’s narcissism may feel a sense of disgust or humiliation in addition to shame and see ourselves in a negative light as compared with others.

      The shame of enduring mistreatment or abuse from anyone leaves long-lasting scars.

      “Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging.”

      —Brené Brown

      In her book, “I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Isn’t): Making the Journey from ‘What Will People Think?’ to ‘I Am Enough,’” Brené Brown discusses shame as a “silent epidemic” and something that everybody experiences at some point (2008).

      METHODS OF SHAMING

      Why does anyone actively shame? In the case of narcissists, it’s because they need to feel superior, and it allows them to put themselves in an untouchable status: it minimizes the future threat of someone expressing embarrassing comments or thoughts about them. Shaming allows a narcissist to feel invincible while eroding their target’s self-confidence, self-esteem, and enjoyment of life. It’s what they do best.

      A narcissist will shame someone in a variety of ways:

      1. Changing the narrative: After attaining an accomplishment, the narcissist will re-tell the story of the achievement and add a shameful twist. If asked, they’ll jokingly say they did it because they don’t want their target to become self-important or to have a “big head,” but really, it is intended to humiliate.

      2. Breaking confidences: Narcissists love to gain embarrassing or humiliating information to use later, so they’ll appear more important or intelligent. A narcissist will keep their target anxious about the possibility that they may share this upsetting information with others.

      3. Pointing out flaws: Narcissists believe they have no faults but are very good at identifying those of others. They enjoy shaming their targets by passive-aggressively devaluing them. A narcissist might say, “I was only joking,” or “You’re too sensitive,” if their target is hurt by this behavior.

      4. Playing the victim: As we’ve seen, narcissists love to be the victim in their version of reality. A narcissist will purposefully frustrate their target and then use their exasperation to justify flipping the scenario and becoming the victim herself. Then she’ll openly deem her target’s frustrated response as a shameful thing.

      5. Blaming: Narcissists don’t take responsibility for their actions. When a narcissist makes a mistake or if something unexpected goes wrong, they’ll place blame on their target. The target has no power to prevent this and can’t change it. It is a no-win situation.

      6. Belittling: Narcissists are typically condescending and belittle others by talking down to them, calling them names, implying that they’re jealous or insecure, or telling them to “grow up.” Narcissists enjoy giving the impression that they’ve developed beyond the level that others have.

      7. Laying on religious guilt: Every religion has standards and expectations, and a narcissist will use them to guilt their targets into behaving in a particular manner. They may say they’re praying about the target or asking for God’s intercession because the target’s behavior is displeasing to them.

      8. Using aggressive tactics: Narcissists personally attack others to make them defensive. Defensive people become highly alert to protect themselves. A narcissist will use defensiveness as a sign of guilt. They’ll accuse the target of wrongdoing even when there hasn’t been any.

      9. Playing the expert: Narcissists will sometimes speak authoritatively above a person’s level of understanding or knowledge. They do this to make the person feel inferior. Narcissists do this to be seen as authority figures. They’ll use their vocabulary, posture (looking down), and the elaboration of details as a way of shaming. The message is that they are smarter and more knowledgeable than we’ll ever be.

      10. Comparing: As a result of their need to feel superior, narcissists act as though they’ve already outperformed everyone else. They insist they said or did “it” first, and much better. By outdoing their target, a narcissist minimizes their accomplishments, which supports the target’s belief of not being good enough.

      11. Physical appearance: Narcissists like to appear physically intimidating or untouchable. They love attention and admiration, so they often dress to get noticed. They may even use their physical appearance as a way to demean and shame others. For example, an athletic narcissist will make hurtful comments to others about their bodies as compared to theirs.

      12. Expectations (using “should” or “ought”): A narcissist will frequently play the game of “I told you so” by reminding their target that they didn’t heed given advice. For example, “You should’ve taken your boots like I told you to do. Now your shoes are ruined.”

      13. Manipulation: Narcissists don’t ask directly for what they want because it feels like weakness. They don’t want to feel indebted to anyone. They gain an intense feeling of power by controlling and influencing others. They prefer that to openness.

      14. Gaslighting: Narcissists like to control others’ beliefs, feelings, thoughts, and perceptions. To do this, they “rewrite” past events casting themselves as either the good guy or the victim. If others disagree with the revised version, the narcissist will mock, humiliate, dismiss their memory as faulty, or say something equally shaming.

      15. Dog whistling: This tactic is a form of gaslighting and manipulation. It gets its name from the device called a dog whistle that, because of its pitch, can only be heard by dogs. When using the dog-whistle approach, a narcissist uses coded language. Their words will mean one thing to their audience but something entirely different and hurtful to their target. For example, a narcissistic mom knows that her adult daughter is struggling with weight loss efforts, and when they’re together, the mom can’t stop talking about how great her best friend’s adult daughter looks after losing weight.

      16. Sandbagging: Purposely appearing weak or less informed to deceive someone is called sandbagging. Narcissists often manipulate others by faking weaknesses or ignorance. A narcissistic mom may pretend to be ill when she wants her adult child to visit. Instead of simply inviting them over, she pretends to be sick so the adult child feels shamed into making an appearance.

      dog-shame-1024x731 The Act of Shaming

      FORGIVENESS AS A FORM OF SELF-CARE

      Have you considered forgiving your abuser? Or is that idea outrageous? Maybe your wounds are still fresh, and it feels too soon or impossible. It might be a good idea to consider it at some point, but not for them. For YOU.

      Forgiveness is a decision made to release the anger and resentment you feel. True forgiveness is extended regardless of whether it’s asked for or deserved. Forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting their behavior or condoning it. Forgiveness is for you, not them.

      Offering forgiveness gives us peace and freedom from destructive anger. It means empowering ourselves by letting go of negative, destructive feelings. By forgiving, you acknowledge your pain without allowing it to define you. In doing so, healing and moving forward become possible. As we move forward, we continue learning to let go of the need to control outcomes and consequences. You see, forgiveness doesn’t mean that they get away with their hurtful, selfish behavior or avoid any repercussions. Instead, we allow the abuser to face the naturally occurring consequences of their actions, including but not limited to:

      • Family estrangement
      • Lost romantic relationships
      • Lost friendships
      • Divorce
      • Isolation
      • Loneliness
      • Missed opportunities
      • Legal, financial, or career issues
      • Damaged reputation

      If you’re too hurt or angry to forgive right now, acknowledge and validate your feelings and resentments. They’re there for a reason. Doing this can help you see where your boundaries need to be.


      Could you be feeling the effects of Narcissism Awareness Grief? Download the free chapter to find out:

      EXPERIENCING NARCISSISM AWARENESS GRIEF

      from Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism


      TOOLS FOR RECOVERY

      How to Identify a Narcissist

      Understand the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle

      Identify Traits of a Narcissistic Mother

      Learn how to Identify Dangerous People

      Signs of  Narcissism Awareness Grief

      Identify Dysfunctional Family Roles

      Find out what Trauma does to your brain

      Learn about Codependency and other maladaptive coping skills

      More Resources You May Like:

      Join the Free Email Survival Course:

      Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.

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      Register Here!
      Free 8-week email Survival Course

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        I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self, Workbook and Journal, by Diane Metcalf

        A step-by-step method to learn how to write the highest vibrating, most powerful affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things.

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        Author’s Site: Free Shipping
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          3D-3-book-series The Act of Shaming
          Visit the Author’s Site

          About the Author

          Facetune_06-05-2021-18-24-57-239x300 The Act of Shaming

          As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping and healing strategies. She happily shares those with those who want to learn and grow in their own recovery journies. 

          Diane is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer on narcissism, family dysfunction, and abuse. She draws from her personal childhood experiences, as well as her work in human service fields like domestic violence and partner abuse. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.

          Her transformational books about healing and moving forward include the highly praised “Lemon Moms” series. This emotionally supportive collection explains narcissistic traits and teaches how to reconcile past hurts to begin self-nurturing, healing, and moving forward.

          See what’s new on DianeMetcalf.com

          Learn about the Lemon Moms series: Lemon Moms

          This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

          Read more

          Please share!

          Reading time: 7 min
          Anger•Narcissism•Scapegoating

          All About Narcissistic Rage

          Angry doll
          July 1, 2022 by Diane M. Metcalf, MS No Comments

          Have you ever witnessed someone’s narcissistic rage? Speaking from experience, I’m guessing that it’s something you will not easily forget.

          In my book Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism, I talk about the fact that narcissists are opinionated, argumentative, and defensive, and have no problem confronting, criticizing, shaming, or mocking anyone who challenges or disagrees with them.

          Quick Document Links:

          • Definition
          • Why They Rage
          • Passive Aggressive Rage
          • What Triggers a Rage?
          • The Consequences of Rage
          • How to Handle a Narcissistic Rage
          • Tools for Healing

          Definition

          You see, narcissists don’t entertain differences of opinion or perspectives. Instead, they gain (or re-gain) control of a conversation or a situation by gaslighting, humiliating, insulting, and discrediting others, or by having a type of emotional meltdown known as a narcissistic rage. Narcissistic rages happen when we do anything that causes a narcissistic injury or wound; anything perceived as a threat to their self-importance, dominance, or ‘false face.’

          Narcissistic anger is similar to an adult temper tantrum, except that it can be dangerous for us to witness, or worse, become the target. These highly emotional episodes are meant to unbalance, scare, intimidate and unnerve us. They are used as threatening displays of power and control. They consist of unexpected and uncontrollable outrage triggered by some type of narcissistic injury or wounding. For example, if a narcissist’s self-esteem or self-worth has been hurt, rage will probably ensue.

          When a narcissist is caught up in this type of outburst, they are unreasonable and unforgiving. Their main objective at this point is to hurt and take revenge. They want to seriously punish the “offender,” even if it means losing a relationship or irrevocably damaging one. They want to “win” at any cost. They won’t feel regret, remorse, or any need to apologize for their volatile, hurtful, damaging, embarrassing, and attention-seeking eruption. (See How to Recognize a Narcissist.)

          Narcissistic rages are fear-based and can persist even after the perceived threat is gone. Often, these rages are not warranted, and a narcissist will hang onto the memory of our perceived transgression for weeks and months at a time. They will continue exacting revenge and punishing. When are they done? When they decide to be done. Those on the narcissism spectrum can be champion grudge holders. Holding grudges vindicates their hurtful behavior. Grudges give them a reason to feel victimized. A narcissist will bring up your “wrongdoings” as frequently as they can while playing the injured “poor me” to get sympathy and narcissistic supply. The message is that they didn’t hurt you. YOU hurt them!

          Why They Rage

          “Slamming and banging” is a type of narcissistic rage and a scenario I regularly experienced while growing up. When my mother was angry, she wouldn’t (couldn’t?) express her feelings. Instead, she would slam and bang things—usually cupboard doors, pots, pans, shoes, car doors, and room doors, but really it could be any object within reach. This was how she demonstrated feelings of annoyance, disappointment, irritation, or frustration. She didn’t use words to express these feelings, and on the rare occasion that she did, they were shouted, hurtful, and inappropriate.

          When I was a child, too naive to appreciate the danger of doing so, I asked, “Is something wrong, Mommy?” and she routinely and furiously shouted “No!” -a confusing mixed message. Clearly, something was very wrong, and even a child could see it. If I worriedly kept pressing, (wanting her to re-gain emotional control, and wanting to feel safe myself,) I paid the price by being shouted at, called hurtful names, humiliated, shamed, or punished. It was not good to ask questions during the rages, even as an act of kindness or concern. Her rages were some of the most traumatizing events of my childhood

          As I matured, my question changed from “Is something wrong?” to “What is wrong?” I’d slowly become aware that something was very amiss at home, and I refused to continue playing “let’s pretend” everything’s fine. I could clearly see that something was upsetting her, and I called it out. Of course, the results were the same as before. Here’s the thing: when you live with a dysfunctional person, you understand that “reality” is never “real” because everyone involved is playing a form of “let’s pretend.” You play let’s pretend to keep them calm, and so that you can feel safe. But everyone involved is pretending something different.

          punching-300x200 All About Narcissistic Rage

          Passive Aggressive Rage

          Sometimes narcissistic rages don’t actually look like rages. These are the passive-aggressive kinds of rage, meaning that they feel aggressive even though they appear docile. They involve sulking, giving backhanded compliments, procrastinating, making sarcastic remarks, withdrawing, sabotaging and undermining, and even include “the silent treatment.” These passive-aggressive behaviors are subtle and discreet, but they’re narcissistic rages nonetheless. My narcissist vacillated between loud, intimidating, furious outbursts and using passive aggression. At times she shouted; hurling obscenities so loudly and fiercely that she turned purple, her eyes bulged, and spittle flew. It was terrifying to see her like that, not only because she looked horrifically ugly, but because she was emotionally out of control. It’s scary and traumatizing to witness the parent you depend on losing self-control. At times like these, I never knew what to expect, so I was on high alert and prepared for pretty much anything; I might be backhanded across the face or hauled into a bedroom and left, or ignored for hours. I might be called names that shredded my developing self-worth and crushed my spirit. I might be struck with an object, deprived of meals or activities, or threatened with having bones broken, or being murdered or abandoned. Or she could simply and completely withdraw from my life, not speaking to me for as long as she felt necessary. When she was passive-aggressive she often made sarcastic, hurtful comments in a sweet, caring, and kind voice. Talk about crazy-making environments!

          What Triggers a Rage?

          More than four decades after their divorce, my mother routinely called the Social Security Administration to confirm that her ex-husband, my father, was still alive. She was motivated by a firm determination to receive survivor benefits when he passed.

          One morning, she made the usual call and discovered that my father had passed six months prior. She called me at work to tell me that my father was dead, and she was livid that no one had contacted her. She was outraged that she’d missed out on several months of financial benefits, and was extremely distraught. She wanted me to come to her home when my workday was finished.

          When I got there, she wanted me to drive her to the post office. She’d written a letter to my father’s widow, his wife of more than forty years, and intended to send it by certified mail. She knew their address because she’d stalked them for years. When I warily asked about the letter’s contents, I learned that it was a hurtful, scathing chastisement for not personally informing my mother, or his children, of my father’s death.

          I didn’t take her to the post office, and I don’t know if the letter was ever sent.

          Narcissistic rages have nothing to do with you. Narcissism is a mental illness caused by events on which you had no influence.

          So, what caused this tumultuous disturbance? This day-long narcissistic rage was triggered by the enormous sense of injustice and entitlement that my mother felt. She had been “wronged”; she had been slighted. She had been overlooked as the first wife. She had been temporarily denied her rightful financial due. All of those were narcissistic injuries.

          Within hours, she busily began informing family, friends, and neighbors that she’d become a “widow,” readily accepting condolences and sympathy. The rage had passed; she was a victim again.

          Narcissistic injuries that may trigger rage in a narcissist:

          • Someone criticized them.
          • They were not the center of attention.
          • They were embarrassed.
          • They were confronted.
          • Someone pointed out a character flaw.
          • Someone noticed that they’d made an error.
          • They were caught lying, cheating, stealing, or breaking a rule of acceptable behavior.
          • They felt like they were losing control.
          • Their authority was challenged or threatened.
          • Someone made a decision without their input.
          • Someone took the initiative without their permission.
          • Someone was appreciated (or more highly regarded) than they.
          • Someone didn’t take their advice.
          • They were asked to be accountable for their actions.
          • They did not get the special treatment they thought they deserved.
          • They were reminded of their inadequacy.
          • They were shamed.

          The Consequences of Rage

          It’s interesting to know that narcissists may pay a heavy price for their rages.

          In “Understanding Narcissism’s Destructive Impact on Relationships,” Preston Ni (2018), talks about the consequences a narcissist may suffer as a result of ongoing, vindictive, narcissistic anger. Some of these include:

          1. Family Estrangement: Research shows that narcissistic rages hurt family relationships.
          2. Lost romantic relationships and divorce: Research shows that rages hurt romantic relationships and marriages.
          3. Isolation: Narcissists use people for personal gain. Eventually, acquaintances, family, and friends recognize this and distance themselves or go “no contact.”
          4. Loneliness: Narcissists have few healthy or lasting relationships.
          5. Missed Opportunities: Because of the lack of personal connection, opportunities may disappear or don’t appear in the first place.
          6. Legal, Financial, or Career issues: Rule-breaking, irresponsibility, and carelessness are found to have legal and financial repercussions.
          7. Damaged Reputation: A lack of personal or professional integrity, trustworthiness, or dependability can negatively impact others’ perceptions.

          How to Handle a Narcissistic Rage

          There are several actions you can take beforehand to protect yourself from a narcissist’s rage:

          • Set and enforce boundaries
          • Limit the amount of contact you have with the narcissist
          • Don’t engage. Walk away
          • Use the Gray Rock technique
          • Use the communication strategies outlined in the “Talking with Your Mother” chapter, book 1, Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism
          • Talk to a mental health professional or therapist

          Understand that narcissistic rage has nothing to do with you. Narcissism is a mental illness and a spectrum disorder caused by events that you did not influence. You didn’t cause the narcissism, you can’t control it, and you can’t cure it. You can ONLY control how you respond to it.



          Could you be feeling the effects of Narcissism Awareness Grief? Download the free chapter to find out:

          EXPERIENCING NARCISSISM AWARENESS GRIEF

          from Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism



          Tools for Healing

          Understand the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle

          Learn about Narcissism Awareness Grief

          Learn to set boundaries

          Learn about dysfunctional family roles

          Find out what trauma does to your brain

          Learn about codependency and other maladaptive coping skills

          Understand Cognitive Dissonance

          Take the Adverse Childhood Experiences Quiz

          More Resources You May Like:

          Join the Free Email Survival Course:

          Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.

          Private Facebook group included for members only.

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            I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self, Workbook and Journal, by Diane Metcalf

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              Facetune_06-05-2021-18-24-57-239x300 All About Narcissistic Rage

              As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping and healing strategies. She happily shares those with those who want to learn and grow in their own recovery journies. 

              Diane is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer on narcissism, family dysfunction, and abuse. She draws from her personal childhood experiences, as well as her work in human service fields like domestic violence and partner abuse. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.

              Her transformational books about healing and moving forward include the highly praised “Lemon Moms” series. This emotionally supportive collection explains narcissistic traits and teaches how to reconcile past hurts to begin self-nurturing, healing, and moving forward.

              See what’s new on DianeMetcalf.com

              Learn about the Lemon Moms series: Lemon Moms

              This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

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              Anger•Narcissism•Self Care

              When Mother’s Day Hurts

              broken heart
              May 1, 2022 by Diane M. Metcalf, MS No Comments

              If your relationship with your mother is typically full of pain and heartache, this article is dedicated to you.

              When Mother’s Day Hurts

              Every April and May of every year, we are urged by all manner of media to remember our mothers on the second Sunday of May. These pre-Mother’s Day messages often portray sweet, heartwarming, sentimental interactions between mothers and their children. Viewing those ads has always been difficult for me because I have longed for those kinds of interactions with my own mother for my entire life.

              Suppose your mother is self-important, seeks admiration, believes she’s superior, lacks empathy, manipulates and uses her children, puts others down to elevate herself, is hypersensitive to criticism, and believes she deserves special treatment. In that case, she may be on the narcissism spectrum, and you will likely experience mixed feelings about Mother’s Day.

              Quick document links

              • Confusion and Cognitive Dissonance
              • There’s a Name For It
              • Self-care
              • Tools for Healing

              Daughters and sons of narcissistic mothers are out there, and they feel alone and misunderstood.

              An emotionally healthy mother’s love is a powerful, lifelong theme for most children; her kindness, compassion, validation, and the loving bond that they share. For those of us who don’t have that kind of mom, memories, or relationship, we are keenly aware of those who do. And we wonder why we don’t. Because surely if our mothers can’t love us, it must be our fault. We must be unlovable, right?

              American culture views motherhood as a saintly paradigm, promoting that mother love is instinctive, unconditional, and spontaneous; and that all women can love, empathize, and nurture. These myths and inaccuracies are detrimental; they harm unloved children’s spirits, holding them in a state of self-doubt and cognitive dissonance.

              When a mother and adult child relationship fails, it’s the adult child who’s usually held responsible. These kinds of cultural perspectives can keep an unloved daughter or son stuck in the place they’ve been since childhood—knowing that something is wrong and blaming themselves. They wonder who will be able to love them if their own mothers can’t.

              But mothering is a learned behavior in human beings. A spectrum of maternal behaviors exists, from healthy to toxic. Acknowledging this may be helpful when we think about Mother’s Day.

              I used to spend a huge amount of emotional energy just selecting a Mother’s Day card. Today, there is more awareness and sensitivity regarding family dysfunction and the understanding that not all mothers are loving and kind. These days, it’s easier to find a more realistic card sentiment. But years ago, it was extremely difficult to find a card that didn’t boldly announce “Happy Mother’s Day to the Greatest Mother in the World!” or “I’m So Blessed That You’re My Mother” All of them gushed with sentiments that I didn’t feel, and all of them felt like lies. While I dealt with that, others dealt with decisions like: “Should I even send a card?” “Should I call?” “Should I see her?” “Should I ignore the day?” “What should I do?”

              The thing is, if we’re still attempting to please and appease our narcissistic moms, we’re in a no-win situation. Whatever we do will not be good enough because it never has. Like others in this situation, every year I went through emotional pain and turmoil: on Mother’s Day, I was forced to face the stark and demoralizing humiliation of our one-sided relationship for the entire day. I was actually a mother myself, yet I was focused on making this day all about MY mother. I wasn’t able to enjoy what the day meant for me as a mother. I missed out on feeling connected with my kids and letting them focus on me, celebrating me. Instead, I expected them to focus on her too. The entire day was about my mother and making her happy. But of course, she never was. She spent the day criticizing the weather, the restaurant, the food, her gifts, and other people. For decades this continued and I didn’t see it because I was supremely codependent, unaware, and unhealed. Eventually, I awakened and realized that something needed to change. I finally accepted that she wasn’t going to change. I needed to change.

              Experts say that with a narcissistic mother, you have two choices: live on her terms (focusing on her, chasing after her withheld love, acceptance, and affection) or go “no contact.” This feels like black and white (all or none) thinking to me, and I’ve never been a big fan. I prefer to see all the shades of gray. So I created a third option for myself: I identified my cognitive dissonance and C-PTSD symptoms and prioritized healing them with various forms of therapy. I refused to be gaslighted, I set enforceable boundaries and started trusting my mind and my memories. I no longer focused on what she did, said, wanted, or expected, and as a result, I no longer felt humiliated, unloved, invalidated, and rejected. Our relationship was finally on my terms.

              heart-300x200 When Mother's Day Hurts

              Confusion and Cognitive Dissonance

              As children, if our need for love and connection to our mothers was not met, we simply blamed ourselves. And then we began forming beliefs that we are not good enough and that we don’t matter.

              If you are an empathetic person, you are naturally sensitive to others’ emotional needs. Trying to understand that narcissists don’t have the ability to feel empathy is difficult to understand or believe. As children of narcissists, we keep returning to that parent, again and again, hoping and wishing that it will be different this time. We focus on gaining approval, validation, acceptance, and love. We jump through any hoop offered. When nothing changes, it triggers more pain and confusion and a continuation of the “I’m not-good-enough’s” and “I-don’t-matter’s.”

              Then we grew up, and we may have started to realize that the problem is not us! There is nothing—and there never was—anything inherently wrong with us, as we may have been led to believe.

              You do not need a formal diagnosis to determine that your relationship is unhealthy. If it is, you can do something about it.

              There’s a Name For It

              “Narcissism Awareness Grief” (NAG) is a condition coined by Dr. Christine Hammond, a Licensed Mental Health Counselor. She teaches that the loss of a mother’s love, warmth, interest, and connection is a momentous loss that must be consciously grieved.

              Narcissism Awareness Grief acknowledges that our mothers’ narcissistic traits have negatively impacted us. When we begin to come to terms with how they have impacted us, we can break through the denial and start working through six stages of grief, to finally arrive at the final phase of Acceptance. When you fully understand and accept that you cannot change or control your mother’s perception of you, the ball is truly in your court. It’s from the point of Acceptance that your life can and will change. Remember, acceptance does not mean liking or agreeing. You can accept that your mother has narcissistic traits, but you don’t have to like it. Accepting and liking are two separate things.

              I remember very well what it was like to experience Narcissism Awareness Grief. As I slowly became aware of how my mother’s narcissistic traits affected me, I felt a mixture of denial, disbelief, and a sense of overwhelming sadness. You see, when we discover that the dysfunction and trauma we experienced as children has an actual name, there’s an initial rush of validation. We suddenly realize that we’re not alone, that we’re not crazy, and that we haven’t imagined it. Narcissistic mistreatment, trauma, and abuse are real things, and we can recover from them.

              Self-care

              What can we adult children of maternal narcissists do to feel better on Mother’s Day?

              Like most days, you can make the day into whatever you want. Here are a few suggestions that can help:

              1. Question the card. Search for a generic Mother’s Day card if you want to send a card at all. Giving a card that says “Best Mom in the World” is an act of denial. The first step to healing is admitting how you feel about your relationship. NO MORE DENIAL. It takes courage not to buy that lying card. If you want to give a card, find one, or make one that better acknowledges how you feel.
              2. Eliminate expectations. You can’t be disappointed if you don’t expect anything to be different this year. Learn to drop expectations.
              3. Make new traditions. Do the day differently. Celebrate yourself! Do something you enjoy, whether solo or with a friend. Focus on self-care.
              4. Feel and express your feelings. Give yourself permission to feel and express whatever you’re feeling. Give yourself space to cry, be angry, feel unloved, or grieve. Acknowledge that you have reason to feel these feelings, and validate your childhood memories. Write it all in a journal to get it out of your system in a healthy way.
              5. Shift the focus. Practice gratitude, speak healing affirmations, or do something nice for someone else.
              6. Make an appointment. If Mother’s Day annually triggers anxiety or depression, give yourself the gift of scheduled time with a professional to start the healing process.
              7. Seek support. Find support groups in your area or online. Talking with others who understand narcissism dynamics can help in your healing journey. And as always, don’t try to explain it to those who don’t. Others who don’t understand narcissism may unknowingly invalidate you, causing further pain or trauma.
              8. Express gratitude to the mothers you know who are loving and kind. Honor other women who have given you motherly love, perhaps a grandmother, aunt, or friend.
              9. If you are a mother, work to end the legacy of one-sided love. Acknowledge and be grateful for your ability to love.
              10. Start working on a recovery program, so you don’t pass the legacy down to your children. If you are already working on healing, good for you! Do the work!

              On Mother’s Day, let’s all honor the mothers who have given their children the gifts of love and nurturing. Let’s applaud the mothers who are working on a program to change the family legacy of narcissistic mistreatment or abuse. And at the same time, let’s acknowledge the truths of the daughters and sons of mothers who cannot show love to their children.

              You’re all in my thoughts,

              Diane



              Could you be feeling the effects of Narcissism Awareness Grief? Download the free chapter to find out:

              EXPERIENCING NARCISSISM AWARENESS GRIEF

              from Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism



              Tools for Healing

              Start using positive detachment

              Learn about Narcissism Awareness Grief

              Learn to set boundaries

              Learn about dysfunctional family roles

              Understand trauma bonds

              Learn about codependency and maladaptive coping skills

              Understand the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle

              Learn to drop expectations

              More Resources You May Like:

              Join the Free Email Survival Course:

              Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.

              Private Facebook group included for members only.

              Register Here!
              Free 8-week email Survival Course

                I respect your privacy. Unsubscribe at anytime.

                Get the TOOLBOX APP

                for instant information, support, and validation!

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                I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self, Workbook and Journal, by Diane Metcalf

                A step-by-step method to learn how to write the highest vibrating, most powerful affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things.

                Quick US links:

                Author’s Site: Free Shipping
                Barnes and Noble
                Amazon
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                  About the Author

                  Facetune_06-05-2021-18-24-57-239x300 When Mother's Day Hurts

                  As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping and healing strategies. She happily shares those with those who want to learn and grow in their own recovery journies. 

                  Diane is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer on narcissism, family dysfunction, and abuse. She draws from her personal childhood experiences, as well as her work in human service fields like domestic violence and partner abuse. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.

                  Her transformational books about healing and moving forward include the highly praised “Lemon Moms” series. This emotionally supportive collection explains narcissistic traits and teaches how to reconcile past hurts to begin self-nurturing, healing, and moving forward.

                  See what’s new on DianeMetcalf.com

                  Learn about the Lemon Moms series: Lemon Moms

                  This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

                  Read more

                  Please share!

                  Reading time: 9 min
                  Anger•C-PTSD•Self Care

                  Is Someone Pushing Your Buttons?

                  Angry cartoon creature
                  January 14, 2022 by Diane M. Metcalf, MS No Comments

                  After weeks of researching, reading, questioning, and recognizing that someone’s mental illness, dysfunctional thinking, toxicity, or narcissistic traits have negatively affected you, how do you feel?

                  If you feel angry, then good for you! That’s exactly what I’d expect! You might even feel so overwhelmed with anger that you’re not exactly sure what’s going on with your emotions. You might feel like you’re angry all the time or at everyone. Maybe you’re feeling a bit annoyed, irritated, resentful, or in a bad mood. Those are all forms of anger too.

                  Feeling angry, annoyed, in a bad mood, or resentful can make you feel bad about yourself. And because unexamined anger can create issues between you and others, it can cause problems in any or all of your relationships. In addition, it can drain your energy and lower your ability to think clearly or make decisions.

                  So, let’s talk about why you might feel some form of anger after recognizing how someone’s narcissistic traits have negatively impacted you.

                  Quick document links

                  • How Emotional Triggers and Buttons are Created
                  • Let’s go deeper
                  • Now what?
                  • The Primary Emotional Buttons that Trigger Anger
                  • Tools for healing

                  How Emotional Triggers and Buttons are Created

                  Whether someone has a few narcissistic characteristics or full-blown Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), they mistreat others (intentionally or not.) The resulting hypervigilance, trauma bonds, and cognitive dissonance created during this time also cause emotional triggers.

                  If you experience a memory or specific event that causes you to feel angry, it’s because your brain hasn’t fully processed a feeling. These types of knee-jerk reactions are called “emotional triggers.” To identify the triggers (aka “buttons,”) we need to examine our feelings and our responses to those feelings in deeper detail.

                  For example

                  If I’m in line to buy something and someone cuts in front of me, I might immediately feel angry and lash out at that person. Why would I do that? Well, it’s about how I interpret what’s going on, and the cause of my anger might not be what I assume it is. Isolating the cause (the “trigger” or “button”) is what this week is all about. It’s a pretty challenging lesson, so hang in there.

                  This first step is not about judging yourself. It is about gaining awareness. It’s about getting to know your mind and catching what it’s doing without your permission. Noticing when old programming takes over is a necessary step to discovering your triggers.

                  In the previous example, if my interpretation of the offending line-cutter is “they think they’re more important than me,” “they think they’re better than me!,” or “they think they don’t have to wait like the rest of us,” or “what an entitled so-and-so! How disrespectful!” then I’ve given the line-cutting a specific meaning relating to myself. That meaning may or may not be accurate. The interpretation I’ve given the behavior might trigger feelings in me like: I don’t matter, I’m not important, or I’m not worthy of respect.

                  It’s the first emotions that I feel (I don’t matter, I’m not important, I don’t deserve respect) that trigger my anger. These first emotions come from our interpretation of the event.

                  That’s why anger is called a secondary emotion. A first emotion is always felt before the anger, and it activates the anger.

                  But what if I stopped and gave the benefit of the doubt? What if I changed my interpretation? Maybe the person is stressed, in a hurry, and didn’t notice the line. (I’ve done this myself.) What if they’re asking a quick question and don’t actually require service? (Not a nice thing to do, but still understandable and totally unrelated to me personally.) There are many other interpretations or reasons for someone’s behavior besides the limited ones we can think of.

                  Let’s go deeper

                  Did you know that no one can “make” you feel angry? No one can “make” you feel anything, really. Our feelings come from us and are a choice. The behavior that results is also a choice. Those are big statements, and they’re backed by research. I’ve included some sources at the end of the article.

                  When we start this process of self-examination, it’s like peeling an onion. We uncover hidden thoughts, beliefs, limitations, and judgments, and there will be surprises along the way. But, everything we find is an insight that allows us to see ourselves and our world from a larger perspective. This is called personal growth.

                  Trigger example

                  Let’s say someone does something, and the first thing that pops into your mind is that they think you’re not important! That you don’t matter. That you should be ashamed. Or that you’re stupid, don’t belong, or that they don’t like you. The list of feelings you might experience here is endless and related to how you feel about yourself. So, your response is to feel angry and you might even want to say something mean or hurtful or hurt them physically.

                  But let’s stop and take a closer look at what just happened. Upon closer inspection, you see that they didn’t actually SAY anything! They DID something, and you got angry. The meaning of their behavior is an interpretation you gave it. It’s coming from you and causing you to feel something. That first “something” (the primary emotion) activated your anger.

                  Whoa. Can you see it? Your interpretation may be correct or incorrect. The person has not actually said that you’re not important, that you don’t matter, that you should be ashamed, that you’re stupid, etc. But it feels to you, through your interpretation, like that’s what they said or implied. So your interpretation determines what you will feel next.

                  Do you see how your interpretation can drastically affect what you feel and what happens next?

                  Interpretation happens in your mind, and most of us do not notice when it happens. That’s because it happens unconsciously. But after today, and when you apply conscious awareness, you will see it. So here’s the thing: when you change your interpretation of a past event (memory) or a present event, either way, the primary emotion you feel, and your resulting behavior will also change. But what does that mean for you?

                  Now what?

                  After you acknowledge that you’ve interpreted a memory (or a present event) and that the meaning caused you to feel a primary emotion (shame, dismissed, unimportant, disrespected, mocked, etc.,) and that primary emotion triggered you to feel angry, you can stop right there and question whether your interpretation was realistic or not.

                  MEMORY OR EVENT >> INTERPRETATION & JUDGMENT >> PRIMARY EMOTION >> ANGER

                  Try to figure out why you gave the memory or event the particular interpretation you gave it. Why not a different one? Asking and answering this question involves taking a bold look at your less-than-perfect character traits and noticing which ones need improving. This is the opposite of blaming. This is knowing yourself on a deeper level; knowing your buttons and why they exist in the first place. It’s about knowing what the buttons are and how to ignore them, turn them off or shut them down for good.

                  Here are some primary emotions or “buttons” that might trigger anger. Hint: It would be helpful to examine each of these and journal your thoughts and insights about what you discover.

                  The Primary Emotional Buttons that Trigger Anger

                  1. Loss of control, powerlessness, victimization

                  If feelings of victimhood or loss of control are the primary emotion, you’ll be triggered to feel anger because you want to regain control over what’s happening or what’s perceived to be happening. (Remember, a lot of this is your own interpretation.) These feelings could cause you to overreact or lash out at others. That’s because losing control, victimization, and fear are all closely related. So if you notice that you’re overreacting or lashing out, look to see if you’re feeling a loss of control, powerless, or victimized.

                  2. Fear

                  Feeling afraid and feeling a loss of control are related. Your amygdalae (memory-creating brain structures) save memories, not as stories, but as chunks and fragments of sensory input. Your memories are preserved as bits and pieces of sounds, sights, smells, touches, and tastes. Any fragments connected to fear can trigger anger because of the vital need to regain control of the situation (see above.) This is especially true for those affected by C-PTSD.

                  Our minds use fear as a method of keeping us safe. Even though fear is uncomfortable, it is a natural response, not a sign of weakness. When a memory causes you to re-experience feelings of fear, it’s OK to remind yourself that you’re in a safe place (if you are) and experiencing a memory. It’s safe to examine this disturbing feeling a little deeper. When you get a clearer picture of what’s going on behind the scenes in your brain, discovering the root cause of the fear will uncover the primary emotion (trigger.) Once you find the trigger, you can understand it more deeply, which will start you moving forward to remove its power in your life.

                  3. Frustration

                  Frustration is an emotional response to dealing with conditions outside of our realm of control. Being blocked from the desired outcome or being challenged by a difficult task are examples of events that can cause frustration. When someone feels frustrated, and it’s combined with fear, they may become aggressive. (For example, a difficult task must be finished before a specific time in order to avoid negative consequences, and that time is getting close.)

                  When we feel frustrated, we also feel a sense of powerlessness because we’re in a situation where we want to do something and can’t. We may feel like we have no available choices or don’t know what those choices are.

                  Focusing on a solution (rather than the problem) is always helpful. If you’re feeling frustrated about something, here are some questions to ask yourself that could change your perspective and uncover a solution-

                  • What is it that I’m trying to achieve?
                  • Am I feeling blocked in the way I’m going about getting it?
                  • What are some other ways I can get it? Think of at least two.
                  • What steps can I take right now?
                  • Do I need to start working on accepting that I can’t change this situation?
                  • Do I need to change my goal, rather than give it up?
                  • Am I allowing fear to control my responses? How can I change that?

                  4. Feeling tired or overwhelmed

                  Feeling worn-out or exhausted impacts our ability to cope with challenging situations. When we’re tired, our minds can’t work at full capacity, and we may find ourselves misperceiving, misunderstanding, or making poor decisions. When we need rest, our patience and emotional resilience are low. You may feel at your limit for what you can handle, which is also connected to feeling frustrated. When you’re at your limit, feeling like you have no more ability to cope can feel scary and may cause you to feel afraid. Being pushed over that limit can trigger anger.

                  TIRED + FRUSTRATION + EMOTIONAL LIMIT + NO COPING TOOLS = FEAR >> ANGER

                  Are you beginning to see how fear keeps coming up in these scenarios? Fear is connected to many of our triggers.

                  When you’re feeling overwhelmed, stop and see if you can find the cause. Use the HALT method. Ask yourself other questions like: are you under more stress than usual? Are you in pain? Have you experienced a loss? Have your responsibilities increased? Have you lost a support system? Had a financial change? What else has changed in your life recently?

                  Break the cause into smaller chunks and see where it becomes unmanageable. Do you need to ask for help with this unmanageable piece?

                  What are other healthier ways you can respond to feeling overwhelmed? (Hint: take a nap, go to bed early, eat something if you’re hungry, create a plan, make a spreadsheet, create a list, call someone, move your body; go for a walk, do something physical, talk to someone, read.)

                  5. Grief

                  Grief is an overwhelming emotion and one of the hardest to deal with. Part of the dawning awareness that someone’s narcissistic behavior has negatively affected us is noticing a strong feeling of loss. This is why it’s called “Narcissism Awareness Grief.” Feelings of loss can be confusing and painful, and often when going through the process of Narcissism Awareness Grief, we feel that loss and maybe acknowledge it for the first time. We aren’t mourning for what we had, we are grieving for what might have been.

                  For example, we mourn the loving, caring mother we never had and the innocent, unburdened childhood we never got to experience. We mourn our lost sense of self. We mourn the love and acceptance we never got to experience, especially if we’re an invisible or scapegoat child. We grieve our lost sense of security because we were gaslighted. We mourn all the lost time, the time spent believing lies and engaging in people-pleasing. We mourn the loss of a soul connection to someone we love. It’s natural to feel angry when there’s such a tremendous loss.

                  When you’re angry and unsure why, ask yourself if grief could be the cause. Does the current situation remind you of something you’ve lost, could have had, or desired? For example, do you feel angry when you see your mother engaging with the Golden Child? Do you feel angry when you’re in public and see a happy couple laughing, playing, and enjoying each other? Ask yourself if what you’re experiencing is unresolved grief. If your anger is indeed grief-related, that’s an indication that you need to start working through the grief. If you’re involved with someone who has narcissistic traits, learn about the stages of Narcissism Awareness Grief. Get into a support group or find a therapist. Please don’t let being stuck in grief rob you of a happier future.

                  6. Codependent coping

                  If we don’t know how to validate and affirm ourselves, we look to others to fulfill those needs for us. This is a symptom of codependency. When we don’t feel good about ourselves or have low self-esteem, we look for validation and approval from others (this is called external validation.) And we may go to incredible lengths to please others to get that validation, affirmation, and some semblance of self-worth. Our anger jumps out in defense when we have a weak sense of worth. When someone doesn’t acknowledge or appreciate what we’ve done for them (even if they haven’t asked for our help,) we feel hurt and resentful, and those can trigger our anger.

                  Codependency ends when we start feeling “good enough” and can approve of and validate ourselves. Validation is critical. Once you’re able to validate yourself, you’ll be less likely to seek out others to do it for you. You won’t need to step in and do things for others when they haven’t asked you to. You’ll begin to know yourself more deeply than when you were focused on caretaking someone else.

                  Why do you need this person’s approval? Why is this approval so important to you? What will their approval change about you? What will happen if you don’t get it? If you don’t get it, would that change anything, really? What beliefs about yourself would it change? Is their approval the only thing that will cause this change? What can you do to start feeling better about yourself regardless of how they respond to you? What else might improve your self-esteem? What might increase your self-confidence? When will you start doing those things?

                  It may be helpful to revisit week five’s lesson: Recognizing and Eliminating Codependent Coping, or read chapters 6 and 17 in Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism.

                  7. Betrayal hurt

                  As we progress through Narcissism Awareness Grief, we may feel betrayed. Feeling betrayed is painful and can affect how we think, feel, and believe. At least temporarily.

                  It’s hard to understand how and why someone could hurt us so deeply. Underlying hurt feelings, along with those of disappointment and betrayal, can all trigger anger. Acknowledge the feelings of pain, betrayal, and disappointment. Work on accepting that if someone is narcissistic, they honestly cannot behave any differently. Without a desire or motivation to change, they will not change. Unfair as it feels, the changes must come from you.

                  8. Weak boundaries

                  If we have weak boundaries or don’t enforce the boundaries we have, the more likely we are to react in anger when our boundaries are challenged or violated.

                  You are worthy of love and respect simply because you exist. If you’re in a situation where you’re treated unlovingly or disrespectfully, you will feel angry or resentful. You may not understand why. It’s because you’re not being validated. Here we are, back to validation again. As I mentioned in number 6 above, when we don’t feel good about ourselves or have low self-esteem or have a weak sense of worth, we will look for validation and approval from others. Validation is a basic human need. If someone’s invalidation triggers your anger, look into self-empowerment and ways of developing a stronger sense of self, self-worth, and self-confidence. When you value yourself and can validate yourself, it’s less likely that another’s lack of validation will trigger you.

                  By taking the time to understand where your anger comes from, you’ll learn a lot about yourself and begin to heal your triggers. You’ll begin feeling a new sense of peace and calm. When someone or something triggers you, you’ll consciously understand what’s happening and be able to deal with it accordingly. You’ll feel in control of your feelings instead of like your feelings are controlling you. This is called “emotional regulation.”

                  Will all of your triggers eventually be healed? Probably not. I say this because you’re alive, having new experiences, and developing new triggers throughout life. Discovering and healing triggers is a life-long process. It’s just part of good self-care!

                  Sometimes all it takes is awareness of what’s happening “behind the scenes” to uncover an unknown trigger. Sometimes when I notice a trigger being activated, I think, “I’m being triggered right now.” It’s often enough to shut down a potentially ugly scenario and maintain my emotional control. With some practice, you’ll begin noticing your triggers and responding to them in a different, healthier way. You’ll begin seeing your anger as a tool for deeper self-understanding.

                  Learn More: Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism

                  References:

                  Beck, A.T. (2008). The evolution of the cognitive model of depression and its neurobiological correlates. American Journal of Psychiatry, 165, 969-977.

                  Gross J.J (2014). Handbook of Emotion Regulation. 2nd ed. New York: Guilford Press.

                  Metcalf, D. (2020) Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism

                  Plassmann, H., O’Doherty, J., Shiv, B., & Rangel, A. (2008). Marketing actions can modulate neural representations of experienced pleasantness. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences (USA),105(3), 1050–1054.

                  Solomon, R.C. (2007). True to our feelings: What our emotions are really telling us. New York: Oxford University Press.

                  Tools for healing

                  Learn about dysfunctional family roles

                  Learn about codependency 

                  Learn coping skills for the holidays and family visits

                  Learn why what you tell yourself matters

                  Learn why verbal abuse hurts us

                  Learn how to protect yourself with boundaries 

                  Learn about the narcissistic abuse cycle

                  More Resources You May Like:

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                      As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping and healing strategies. She happily shares those with those who want to learn and grow in their own recovery journies. 

                      Diane is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer on narcissism, family dysfunction, and abuse. She draws from her personal childhood experiences, as well as her work in human service fields like domestic violence and partner abuse. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.

                      Her transformational books about healing and moving forward include the highly praised “Lemon Moms” series. This emotionally supportive collection explains narcissistic traits and teaches how to reconcile past hurts to begin self-nurturing, healing, and moving forward.

                      See what’s new on DianeMetcalf.com

                      Learn about the Lemon Moms series: Lemon Moms

                      This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

                      Read more

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                      Anger•Narcissism•Self Care

                      When Mother’s Day Sucks

                      mothers day sucks
                      April 25, 2021 by Diane M. Metcalf, MS No Comments

                      Mother’s Day is coming. If your relationship with your mother is typically full of pain and heartache, this article is for you.

                      Quick Links

                      • Why Mother’s Day Sucks for Adult Children of Narcissists
                      • Confusion and Cognitive Dissonance
                      • There’s a Name For It
                      • Going No Contact, or Not
                      • In the meantime…
                      • More tools for healing

                      Why Mother’s Day Sucks for Adult Children of Narcissists

                      Every April, TV commercials begin urging us to remember our mothers on Mothers Day, the second Sunday in May. They often portray sweet, heartwarming, sentimental interactions between mothers and their children. Watching those commercials has always been difficult for me because I longed for those kinds of interactions my entire life. Sometimes I cried when I watched them, so painful was the contrast between them and the relationship that I had with my own mother.

                      American culture promotes motherhood as a saintly paradigm; that mother-love is instinctual, unconditional, and spontaneous; and that all women can be loving, empathetic, nurturing mothers. Believing these inaccuracies can harm an unloved child’s spirit, keeping him or her in a state of confusion and self-doubt (“cognitive dissonance.”)

                      An emotionally healthy mother’s love is a powerful, constant theme throughout her children’s lives and memories; her kindness, compassion, validation, and the loving bond that they share. For those of us who don’t have that kind of mom, or that kind of relationship, or those kinds of memories, we watch others who do, and we wonder what is wrong with us. We try, but we can’t figure out why we are so unlovable. Because surely if our mothers can’t love us, it must be our fault. We must be unlovable, right?

                      But, the fact is, for human beings, mothering is a learned behavior; there’s a spectrum of maternal behaviors, from healthy to toxic. Acknowledging this may be helpful when thinking about Mother’s Day.

                      If your mother is self-important, seeks admiration, believes she’s superior, lacks empathy, manipulates and uses her children, puts others down, is hypersensitive to criticism, or believes she deserves special treatment, she may be on the narcissism spectrum. If she is, you will likely experience mixed feelings about Mother’s Day. Daughters and sons of narcissistic mothers are out there and think they’re alone. You’re not alone.

                      In my unhealed past, I used to spend a huge amount of emotional energy just selecting a card. These days, there is awareness and sensitivity regarding family dysfunction and the fact that not all mothers are loving and kind. It’s easier now to find a more realistic card sentiment. But in the past, I had great difficulty finding a card that wasn’t over-the-top: “Happy Mothers Day to the Greatest Mother of All Time!” or “Happy Mother’s Day to the Mother of the Year!” Seriously. They all felt like lies. While I dealt with that, other adult children of narcissists dealt with questions like: “Should I even send a card?” “Should I call her?”  “Should I see her?” “Should I ignore the day?” “What should I do?”

                      Like other adult children of narcissists at this time of year, I was triggered by memories of an unloving, emotionally detached, uninvolved, neglectful and intentionally cruel mother. I also found myself envious of anyone who had a caring, loving mother, or who looked forward to spending mothers day with her. Every year, I experienced pain and turmoil because I was deeply codependent, and living in a state of denial about my maternal relationship. Every Mother’s Day, I was forced to face the reality of it in all its stark ugliness and demoralizing humiliation. At one point, I was actually a mother myself, yet still focused on making this day all about my own mother. I wasn’t able to enjoy what the day meant for me as a mother. Eventually I realized that something needed to change so I could experience the day in a whole new, healthy way.

                      mother-child-5-1 When Mother's Day Sucks

                      Confusion and Cognitive Dissonance

                      If you are an empathetic person, you are naturally sensitive to others’ emotional needs. Trying to understand that narcissists don’t have this ability is difficult to understand or believe.

                      When our need for love and connection with our mothers is not met, we often blame ourselves. As children, we never thought there was something wrong with our mothers. Instead, we began forming beliefs that we were not good enough, and that we didn’t matter.

                      As adults, we took those beliefs with us and we keep returning to that parent, again and again, hoping and wishing that it will be different this time. We focus on gaining her approval, validation, acceptance, and love. We jump through any hoop she offers. And, as adults, if we’re still attempting to please our narcissistic moms, we’re putting ourselves in a no-win situation. Our failure to satisfy her will trigger more pain and confusion, and a continuation of the “not-good-enough’s” and “we-don’t-matter’s.

                      At some point, we may begin to entertain the idea that the problem is not us, and we might suspect it could be her. We may feel guilty for having these thoughts, yet, it’s something we need to consider.

                      mother-child-4 When Mother's Day Sucks

                      There’s a Name For It

                      When I decided to actively pursue healing and personal growth, a therapist presented the idea that my mother may have an undiagnosed and untreated mental illness, most likely a personality disorder. This was exciting and validating news for me because I had entertained that idea for awhile. As I came to grasp the impact that my mother’s probable mental illness had on me, I felt a gamut of conflicting emotions.

                      “Narcissism Awareness Grief” (NAG) is a  condition coined by Dr. Christine Hammond, a Licensed Mental Health Counselor who works with exhausted women and their families. She teaches that the loss of a mother’s love, warmth, interest, and connection is a momentous one that must be consciously grieved.

                      Narcissism Awareness Grief acknowledges these losses and recognizes that our mothers’ narcissistic traits have negatively impacted us. We can then begin to come to terms with how they have impacted us. Through this acknowledgment, we can break through the coping mechanism of denial and start working through the six stages of grief, to finally arrive at the final phase: Acceptance. When you fully understand and accept that you cannot change or control your mother’s perception of you, the ball is truly in your court. It’s from the point of Acceptance that your life can and will change.

                      Your mother does not need a diagnosis for you to determine your relationship is unhealthy. If it is, you can do something about it.

                      I remember very clearly what it was like to experience Narcissism Awareness Grief. As I slowly woke up to see the effects that my mother’s narcissistic traits had on me, I felt a mixture of shock, denial, disbelief, and a sense of overwhelming sadness. You see, when we discover that the traumatic lifestyle we’ve endured as children has an actual name, Narcissism Awareness Grief, it’s a massive relief. There’s an initial rush of validation, and we suddenly realize that we’re not alone, that we’re not crazy, and that we haven’t imagined any of it. Narcissistic trauma and abuse are real things, and we can recover from them. There is nothing—and there never was—anything inherently wrong with us, as we may have been led to believe.

                      mother-child-3 When Mother's Day Sucks

                      Going No Contact, or Not

                      Many experts say when it comes to relationships with narcissists, that you have two choices: live on their terms (focusing on them, chasing after their withheld love, acceptance, and affection) or go “no contact.”

                      But here’s the rub: when a mother and adult child relationship fails, it’s the adult child who’s commonly believed to be responsible for the breach. Cultural opinions like these can keep an unloved daughter or son stuck in the place they’ve been since childhood—knowing that something’s wrong, blaming themselves, and wondering who will be able to love them if their own mother can’t. Going “no contact,” for me, felt like an “either/or” choice, having no flexibility, and was a “point of no return.” And it didn’t feel good.

                      I’ve never been a big fan of black and white thinking. I like seeing all the shades of gray. So, I created a third option for myself. I learned how to identify complex trauma symptoms, refuse the gaslighting, heal my c-ptsd symptoms, remove the drama from our relationship, set enforceable boundaries, shut down manipulation, and upgrade my communication style.

                      I still have a relationship with my mother, but it’s changed significantly. I no longer focus on what she does, says, or expects, and as a result, I no longer fee humiliated, unloved, invalidated, and rejected. The difference is that our relationship is on my terms now.

                      If you’re interested in how I did this, I wrote a book about it, called “Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism.”

                      In the meantime…

                      So, what can we adult children of maternal narcissists do to feel better about Mother’s Day this year?

                      Here are some suggestions that may help:

                      1. Remember, it’s a day, and like most days, you can make it what you want.
                      2. Question the card. Search for a generic Mother’s Day card, if you want to send a card at all.  Giving a card that says “Best Mom in the World” is an act of denial. The first step to healing is admitting that you grew up in a dysfunctional home. NO MORE DENIAL. It takes courage not to buy that lying card.  
                      3. Eliminate expectations. You can’t be disappointed if you don’t expect anything to be different this year. Learn to drop expectations.
                      4. Make new traditions.  Do the day differently. Celebrate yourself! Do something you enjoy, whether solo, with a friend, significant other, or your children. YOU get to determine how you will spend your time on this day.
                      5. Feel and express your feelings. Give yourself permission to feel and express whatever you’re feeling.  Give yourself space to cry, be angry, feel unloved, or grieve. Acknowledge that you have reason to feel these emotions, and validate your childhood memories. Start writing it all down in a journal to get it out in a healthy way.
                      6. Shift the focus. Practice gratitude, speak healing affirmations, or do something wonderful for someone else.
                      7. Make an appointment. If Mother’s Day annually triggers anxiety or depression, give yourself the gift of scheduled time with a professional to start or continue the healing process.
                      8. Seek support. Find support groups in your area or online. Talking with others who understand narcissism dynamics can help in your healing journey. And as always, don’t try to explain it to those who don’t. Other’s who don’t understand narcissism, or haven’t gone through Narcissism Awareness Grief and healed their own wounds, may unknowingly invalidate you, causing further trauma.
                      9. Express gratitude to mothers you know who are loving and kind. Honor other women who may have given you motherly love, perhaps a grandmother, aunt, co-worker, or friend.
                      10. If you are a mother, think about your values and work to end the legacy of one-sided love. Acknowledge and be grateful for your ability to love.
                      11. Start working a recovery program so you don’t pass the legacy down to your children. If you are working on your recovery, good for you! Do the work!

                      On Mother’s Day, let’s honor the mothers who have given their children the gifts of love and nurturing. At the same time, let’s acknowledge the truths of the daughters and sons of the mothers who did not fit the upheld, saintly mother stereotype. And let’s applaud the mothers who are working a recovery program to change their family legacy of narcissistic abuse.

                      mother-child-2 When Mother's Day Sucks

                      References:

                      McBride, K. (2012, April 9). When Mother’s Day Hurts. Psychology Today. Retrieved April 21, 2021, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-legacy-distorted-love/201204/when-mother-s-day-hurts.

                      Hammond, C. (2019, June 29). What is narcissism awareness grief (NAG)? Retrieved August 2, 2019, from https://pro.psychcentral.com/exhausted-woman/2018/07/what-is-narissism-awareness-grief-nag/.

                      More tools for healing

                      Start using loving detachment

                      Learn about the Gray Rock technique

                      Learn to set boundaries 

                      Learn about dysfunctional family roles

                      Understand trauma bonds

                      Learn about codependency and maladaptive coping skills

                      Understand the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle

                      Learn to drop expectations

                      More Resources You May Like:

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                          Facetune_06-05-2021-18-24-57-239x300 When Mother's Day Sucks

                          As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping and healing strategies. She happily shares those with those who want to learn and grow in their own recovery journies. 

                          Diane is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer on narcissism, family dysfunction, and abuse. She draws from her personal childhood experiences, as well as her work in human service fields like domestic violence and partner abuse. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.

                          Her transformational books about healing and moving forward include the highly praised “Lemon Moms” series. This emotionally supportive collection explains narcissistic traits and teaches how to reconcile past hurts to begin self-nurturing, healing, and moving forward.

                          See what’s new on DianeMetcalf.com

                          Learn about the Lemon Moms series: Lemon Moms

                          This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

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                          Please share!

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