There’s been a lot of research in the field of Early Childhood Development regarding trauma and abuse. The effects of a traumatic childhood on future adult behavior and relationships have been well documented. Two contemporary psychologists, John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth have contributed much to our current understanding of this connection. Their research reveals how unmet childhood emotional needs can impact their future mental health and relationships.
John Bowlby’s research and that of psychologist Mary Ainsworth contribute to the current body of work known as “attachment theory.”
Why does it matter?
John Bowlby (1907–1990) was a British psychologist and psychoanalyst known for his “childhood attachments” theory. He performed extensive research on the concept of attachment and described it as a “lasting psychological connectedness between human beings” (Bowlby 1969). He theorized that childhood experiences directly influence adult development and behavior and concluded that individual attachment styles are established in early childhood wholly through infant/caregiver relationships.
According to Bowlby, the attachment phase takes place in the first three years of life. His research indicates that to develop a healthy sense of self, including a foundation for forming healthy adult relationships, we must feel safe in our key caregiver relationships. Traumatic experiences may negatively impact the child’s ability to form secure attachments in the future.
Here’s the thing: survivors of complex childhood trauma often have difficulty forming attachments to other people. This struggle creates a self-perpetuating cycle: an unfulfilled desire for connection leads to loneliness and isolation, which can lead to depression, risky, and self-destructive behaviors, which can lead to loneliness and isolation.
In 1970, Dr. Ainsworth expanded on Bowlby’s work in her paper “Attachment, Exploration, and Separation: Illustrated by The Behavior of One-Year-Olds in a Strange Situation.” In her research, she discovered three major attachment styles: secure, ambivalent-insecure, and avoidant-insecure attachment (Ainsworth and Bell 1970). They were expanding on that research in 1986 when Drs. Mary Main and Judith Solomon added a fourth attachment style called “disorganized-insecure attachment” (Main and Solomon 1986). Additional research supports their conclusions and the idea that early attachment styles can predict future behavior.
The Attachment Styles
The following is a description of the four attachment styles as per Drs. Ainsworth, Main, and Solomon:
A secure attachment style forms when a primary caregiver is mostly predictable, reliable, and trustworthy. If a parent or caregiver is a source of comfort, the child feels relaxed as they discover, learn, and play in their environment. As an adult, this person can develop meaningful connections with others and confidently deals with the inevitable disagreements.
An insecure ambivalent attachment
style forms when
a primary caregiver is unreliable, erratic, or unpredictable. There are times the
child feels cared for, which are interspersed with times of being shouted at or
rejected. These kinds of mixed messages often lead to the child feeling
indecisive, hesitant, or doubtful. As an adult, this person may feel a sense of
dependency combined with a fear of abandonment.
An insecure-avoidant attachment
style forms when
a primary caregiver is disengaged, distant, and unavailable. The child’s needs go
unmet or are ignored, and they learn to take care of themselves, becoming self-reliant.
As an adult, this person may have a dismissive attitude towards other’s emotional
needs or lack the ability to experience intimacy with others.
A disorganized attachment style forms when a primary caregiver is
chaotic and abusive. The caregiver is not a source of love and nurturing but of
fear and trepidation. Kids still attach to an aggressive, cruel, or abusive parent
because humans are born with a need for closeness. But we also have a strong
need to escape danger. A child in this position will likely develop feelings of
helplessness and hopelessness because they’re caught in the middle; they need
and desire attachment and also need to escape danger. As an adult, this person
will likely alternate between feeling fear or anger and defeat or depression.
It’s common to repeat the first relational patterns and attachment styles we learned as children. (Schwartz, A., 2019). Most of us have a “combination style” of attachment because we often have more than one parent or caretaker. Each of them treats us differently, and so we develop a combination of these four attachment styles.
Tools
Conscious awareness: Be aware and make conscious choices before acting. Self-awareness releases us from making impulsive and potentially damaging decisions. Learn about setting boundaries
Self-care: We can only choose to focus on and be responsible for ourselves, our own thoughts, actions, and behavior. The good news is that we can change ourselves with patience, persistence, and practice. We can take responsibility for getting our needs met, instead of waiting for someone to change or meet our needs for us. We are in control of ourselves and no one is responsible for us but us.
Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.
Private Facebook group included for members only.
Get the TOOLBOX APP
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I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self, Workbook and Journal, by Diane Metcalf
Experience the power of self-affirmation: using positive statements to improve well-being and performance. Learn research-based steps to write the most effective affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things.
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About the Author
Drawing from her personal experiences of growing up in a dysfunctional household, Diane Metcalf has developed effective coping and healing strategies. With the assistance of professional therapists and mindful personal growth, she has honed her skills and now happily shares them with others who are interested in learning and growing.
As an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer, Diane is well-versed in topics such as narcissism, family dysfunction, abuse, and recognizing warning signs. Her extensive knowledge is drawn not only from her personal experiences, but also from her work in human service fields, including domestic violence, partner abuse, and court advocacy. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.
Diane’s transformational books on healing and personal growth, such as the highly acclaimed “Lemon Moms” series, offer emotional support and guidance in understanding narcissistic traits and healing past wounds. Her approach emphasizes self-awareness, intention, self-care, and establishing healthy boundaries as essential components in the healing process.
Learn more about the Lemon Moms series: Lemon Moms
When we feel traumatized, we might think the experience is stored in our memory like a story. It’s not. Instead, traumatic experiences are stored by the brain as fragments of sensory input: smells, sights, sounds, touches, and tastes. These stored memory fragments become “emotional triggers” to alert us to danger or threats in the future.
Our triggers are highly sensitive and reactive, activated by our environment or someone’s behavior or words. We might quietly emotionally withdraw, or we may react intensely or aggressively. When we become emotionally triggered, we automatically react without thought, and that’s why there is often a sense of losing control. Whether we go quiet or lose our temper, either way, it’s because we’re defending ourselves against a perceived threat, whether it’s real or not.
Old Wounds
Emotional triggers are wounds that haven’t healed. For example, a friend makes a casual remark, and you suddenly snap back with a cutting and intentionally hurtful remark. You don’t know what came over you. You weren’t in a bad mood or feeling angry, but immediately as the comment was made, you instinctively reacted swiftly and defensively to defend yourself. It was as if a “switch” had been flipped. You instinctively understand that you wounded and confused your friend, but you don’t know why you acted this way. Later, after you’ve taken time to reflect on and process what happened, you realize that at the moment you heard the comment, you instantly felt something that triggered your response. Maybe you felt confused, self-doubtful, unimportant, dismissed, or disrespected. In effect, you felt the need to defend or protect yourself without thought or question.
You also recognize that the remark was not said to intentionally hurt you, and yet you deliberately reacted viciously with a desire to inflict pain. So you decide to apologize to your friend. You understood now that the remark was one of your triggers, and your triggers are your responsibility.
When we become triggered because of PTSD or C-PTSD, it becomes challenging to navigate our daily lives and relationships.
What’s the Difference?
Let’s talk about the differences between PTSD and C-PTSD.
PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) is a trauma and stress-related disorder. The symptoms of PTSD are stress-related coping mechanisms called “triggers,” which are associated with hypervigilance. (Lanius et al. 2010). These symptoms are often combined with non-anxiety symptoms such as angry outbursts, self-destructive behavior, flashbacks, and nightmares, and they include physiological sensations like nausea or sudden rapid heartbeat.
C-PTSD (Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) is a relatively new term. It does not have its own diagnostic criteria in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5.) Many mental health practitioners would like C-PTSD to have a separate diagnostic standard from those of PTSD. A possible indicator that this change may be forthcoming is that PTSD was removedfrom the “anxiety disorders” category and added to a brand new one called “trauma and stress-related disorders.” (Gattuso, R. 2018). So, maybe in version 6, we’ll see C-PTSD included as a separate disorder within the new “trauma and stress-related disorders” category.
People who have C-PTSD experience PTSD symptoms, but they also suffer from additional symptoms such as:
feeling shame or guilt
feeling responsible for the abuse
difficulty controlling emotions
episodes of losing attention and focus (dissociation)
physical symptoms like headaches, dizziness, chest pains, and stomach aches
isolation from friends and family
relationship difficulties
destructive or risky behavior, such as alcohol or drug abuse
Healing your triggers means getting to know your triggers better. We can never know all of our triggers because we’re usually not aware of them until they happen. Triggers are created by consistency and repetition, so we develop new ones throughout life because we’re continually partaking in new life experiences. Once you have an idea of what your triggers are, you can form appropriate responses to them and have them ready for the next time. You can also replace your triggers by questioning their validity. Learn more about discovering and controlling your triggers here and here.
Survivors of complex trauma often have difficulty forming attachments with others. It makes sense that the treatment process for C-PTSD includes learning ways to strengthen the ability to feel attached to others while at the same time feeling safe, secure, and loved. Learning to do this is “an extremely difficult process,” but not impossible. (Franco, F. 2018).
An unfulfilled longing for connection can also cause deep-seated loneliness, which may further contribute to developing more symptoms. Depression and risky or self-destructive behaviors are often attributed to lacking meaningful emotional connection.
Could you be feeling the effects of Narcissism Awareness Grief? Download thefree chapter to find out:
from Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism
Tools
Conscious awareness: Be aware and make conscious choices before acting. Self-awareness releases us from making impulsive and potentially damaging decisions. Learn about setting boundaries
Self-care: We can only choose to focus on and be responsible for ourselves, our own thoughts, actions, and behavior. The good news is that we can change ourselves with patience, persistence, and practice. We can take responsibility for getting our needs met, instead of waiting for someone to change or meet our needs for us. We are in control of ourselves and no one is responsible for us but us.
Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.
Private Facebook group included for members only.
Get the TOOLBOX APP
for instant information, support, and validation!
I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self, Workbook and Journal, by Diane Metcalf
Experience the power of self-affirmation: using positive statements to improve well-being and performance. Learn research-based steps to write the most effective affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things.
Get the TOOLBOX posts twice monthly in your inbox!
About the Author
Drawing from her personal experiences of growing up in a dysfunctional household, Diane Metcalf has developed effective coping and healing strategies. With the assistance of professional therapists and mindful personal growth, she has honed her skills and now happily shares them with others who are interested in learning and growing.
As an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer, Diane is well-versed in topics such as narcissism, family dysfunction, abuse, and recognizing warning signs. Her extensive knowledge is drawn not only from her personal experiences, but also from her work in human service fields, including domestic violence, partner abuse, and court advocacy. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.
Diane’s transformational books on healing and personal growth, such as the highly acclaimed “Lemon Moms” series, offer emotional support and guidance in understanding narcissistic traits and healing past wounds. Her approach emphasizes self-awareness, intention, self-care, and establishing healthy boundaries as essential components in the healing process.
Learn more about the Lemon Moms series: Lemon Moms
“Narcissism awareness grief” is a term coined by Dr. Christine Hammond. It’s a real “thing,” and I remember very clearly what it was like to experience it.
If there’s a pattern of ongoing power struggles, manipulation, gaslighting, or cruelty in your relationship with someone, and it causes you to doubt your memory, judgment, or sanity, your relationship probably feels hurtful, stressful, or harmful to you. You might be dealing with Narcissism Awareness Grief.
If this is the case, you’re beginning to (or have recently) become aware that someone’s perspective of you is causing you pain. You’re likely blamed or found to be responsible for their unhappiness. You’ll likely feel conflicting emotions about this realization, and you may not understand why you feel these conflicts. As you begin to accept that their perspective, thought patterns, and behavior could be dysfunctional, you will also realize that there is nothing, and there never was anything wrong with you, as they may have led you to believe. You may be coming to terms with the idea that their thoughts, ideas, beliefs, and behavior never had anything to do with any shortcoming within yourself.
What is Narcissistic Awareness Grief?
When we first become aware of someone’s narcissistic traits, and we start to see the many ways those traits have negatively impacted us, we enter the process identified by Dr. Christine Hammond as “Narcissism Awareness Grief.” How this realization affects us becomes a journey undertaken to heal the emotional pain of Narcissistic Victim Syndrome.
In my case, before I knew exactly “what” I needed to recover from, I was focused on issues of low self-confidence and self-esteem, always second-guessing myself. I had a myriad of codependency symptoms. A therapist suggested that I “presented” much like an Adult Child of an Alcoholic (ACoA). But there had been no substance abuse or alcoholism in my family of origin. At that time, “Maternal Narcissism” was virtually unheard of, and my symptoms were so similar to those of an ACoA, that we agreed my treatment plan would be as if I was an ACoA. Turns out I needed to heal from the effects that my mother’s narcissistic characteristics had on me as a child.
“Whatever the situation may be, in order to fully achieve peace within yourself it is necessary for those who have been victims of narcissistic personalities to complete all the stages of acceptance and learn to grow beyond their previously fabricated reality.”—Christine Hammond, MS, LMHC
You cannot change or control anyone’s behavior. You can only control your own. When you fully understand and accept this, you’ll be able to move forward with a strategy to emotionally detach and begin putting your focus on taking steps to recover from trauma, scapegoating, blaming, shaming, and other mistreatment.
It’s important to understand that the process of going through Narcissism Awareness Grief means spending time in each of its six stages. These stages are not linear, meaning that they’re not experienced in any particular order. In fact, it’s natural to go back and forth between the six stages throughout the entire process. It’s also possible to become stuck in any phase for any length of time. But the first five stages must be experienced to get to the last stage, “Acceptance.” In this final stage, we accept that they are who they are. We accept that they will not change. We accept that we did not cause these narcissistic character traits, that we cannot control them, and that we cannot cure them. We accept that “it is what it is.” Acceptance feels very freeing because we understand that we don’t have any responsibility, or the ability, to change someone! We can stop focusing on them and start focusing on ourselves. This will feel very strange at first.
And when we reach “Acceptance,” it does NOT mean we accept their hurtful actions or words. ACCEPTANCE has nothing to do with accepting hurtful behavior or words. Instead “Acceptance” is about US, NOT about them. Acceptance means that we are able to let go of wishing and hoping that they will change. We stop hoping that they will treat us differently or that they will one day become a loving, kind, compassionate, affectionate, and accepting person. We let go of fighting against who they are or spending time wishing that they were different. We stop focusing on them altogether. Acceptance means that we let go of the idea that they will finally see us for who we are, that they will love us unconditionally, want to spend time with us, enjoy being with us, stop trying to change us, stop manipulating and hurting us, and that someday it will feel good to be around them
When ACCEPTANCE happens, something wonderful changes in our perception: it’s as if we wake up and see things exactly as they are for the first time. We see our hurts and traumas in a different way; we can now see that there was never anything wrong with us, and we are able to clearly see that we are lovable and acceptable exactly as we are. We see and understand and accept that we aren’t supposed to change or become someone different in order to earn someone’s love, affection, or acceptance. If someone cannot love, it is because of a shortcoming within THEM. In the Acceptance stage, we are able to see this truth and embrace it. We stop beating ourselves up and trying to change ourselves to please and appease them We realize that pleasing and appeasing will not work and that they never have. Within Acceptance, we are able to see that the problem is theirs and it always was. We can finally acknowledge that we couldn’t have changed any of what happened in the past or made it happen any differently.
After we reach the stage of Acceptance, our childhood and adult experiences begin to look very different. We can now see them from a different angle. There is actually a paradigm shift: we realize that our painful experiences were about their worldview, their thoughts, and their choices andbehavior. It was never about who we were or are. We can now see clearly that we were caught up in dysfunctional behavior that was incomprehensible, confusing, and hurtful.
As we begin to see and understand the effects that someone’s narcissistic traits had on us, we are able to re-frame those experiences and see them as only a small part of whowe are, andwe no longer let our past traumas define us. We are more than the sum of our trauma. We are more than who others think we are.
Getting to Acceptance is why it’s so important to keep moving through all of the stages and to get help if you get stuck in a particular phase.
What happens when you begin to experience Narcissistic Awareness Grief?
At some point during those years, when I was actively pursuing healing and personal growth, the idea was broached by a therapist that my mother likely had an undiagnosed and untreated mental illness, probably a personality disorder. Hearing this news was exciting and validating because I had suspected as much for a very long time.
As I came to grasp the reality of the impact that my mother’s narcissistic traits had on me, I felt a gamut of emotions—denial, sadness, rage, and everything in between and back.
You see, when we discover that the traumatic lifestyle we’ve endured has an actual name, it’s a huge relief at first. There’s an initial rush of validation, and we suddenly realize that we’re not alone, that we’re not crazy, and that we haven’t imagined it. Narcissistic abuse is a real thing, and now we realize that we can deal with and recover from it.
The Six Stages of Narcissism Awareness Grief
Much like the famous Kubler-Ross “five stages of grief,” there are several stages of Narcissism Awareness Grief. They’re not linear, so they’re not experienced in any particular order. In fact, we can go back and forth between the stages throughout the process of grieving. But every step must be experienced before we can get to the final stage, which is “Acceptance.” It’s possible to become stuck in any phase for any length of time and to never actually enter into Acceptance.
The difference between the two grief models is that narcissism awareness grief has an additional and essential phase called “Rewriting.” This is where healing begins in earnest.
Denial: After reading, thinking, processing, and talking about narcissism, you may begin to entertain the idea that a certain someone might actually be on the narcissism spectrum. This idea may be something you’ve never conceptualized before. Thinking it may make you uncomfortable. Even if you’re certain that she is afflicted, you might continue to minimize the impact it’s had on you until you reach the point where you can’t any longer. At that juncture, you’ll begin to become aware of the scope of their narcissistic traits and how they affect the people in their life.
Anger. The anger that follows can be intense. You may be angry with yourself for not seeing the symptoms before now; you may be fuming with previous therapists who did not see it. You may be furious with family members, and you might be irate with anyone who believed the person’s false face. I think that what we’re feeling in this stage is a kind of “righteous indignation,” a natural response to mistreatment or abuse. If we witness an injustice, when someone’s being mistreated, bullied, or abused in any way, we naturally feel this kind of anger. Now, we’re feeling it for ourselves. This anger can be hugely motivating for change if we use it correctly.
Bargaining. You may wish things were different. You may feel bitterness or sadness at the unfairness. I remember wondering what my childhood would’ve been like if I’d had a mother who’d been able to truly love and care for me, more than she did for her image. I wondered what my adult life might’ve been like if I’d grown up feeling loved, cherished, and as if I mattered. You may have these kinds of thoughts too, or you might even shame yourself with thoughts like, “Why didn’t I see this before?” or “I’ve wasted years of my life listening to and believing them.” Many of your questions will have no real answer. I cried a lot at first, in fact, any time I thought about it. You may cry too or feel a profound sense of loss and sadness. Like me, you may feel robbed of years of your life and angry at the injustice of that. It’s essential to see that, in this stage, you may actually be doing what your narcissist would do: insult you, berate you, and question the validity of your thoughts and feelings. But we actually need to go through this dark period so we will be able to enter the rewriting phase of grieving.
Depression: When I understood that I could not “help” my mother to change, or get her to see me differently, or change her victim mentality, I became very, very sad. When it began to dawn on me that she would never change—that she was incapable of change (because she didn’t think anything was wrong with her)—my sadness turned into depression. I’d formed a rudimentary understanding that I’d have to live with this new information from now on. I’d have to change the way I interacted and related to my mother for my own protection. I saw that I had missed multiple unrecoverable opportunities in my life because I had adopted her limited and incorrect beliefs about me. I saw how my relationships, in fact, every aspect of my life, had been negatively impacted by her faulty ideas and opinions of me, which I had accepted and internalized. I worked on accepting the fact that there was nothing I could do to make my mother interested in me as a person or to receive me in my imperfection. I had to accept that she would continue to belittle, shame, and intimidate me and that she would never feel a bit of remorse, let alone apologize. She was going to remain manipulative, critical, blaming, and attention-seeking. It was a heavy feeling to recognize that I had a lot of work ahead of me, to reconcile the past and heal myself, while at the same time, my mother continued to hurt me and feel no accountability or responsibility.
Rewriting: This is the stage that is exclusive to Narcissism Awareness Grief, and it’s where we can really do a lot of healing. This stage is for taking this new understanding of narcissistic characteristics and applying it to our past. We begin to understand how internalizing our narcissist’s faulty perspective of ourselves has negatively impacted our lives. We start to see things differently. We begin to form new ideas about ourselves. We learn to think in new ways, thoughts like: “They were not capable of feeling love because of their narcissistic traits. It had nothing to do with me. I am and always have been lovable.” And “They weren’t capable of feeling empathy. It wasn’t that I didn’t matter. I have always mattered.”
Acceptance: As we work our way through the stages, this last piece comes pretty effortlessly. At some point, which can’t be forced, we finally accept their narcissistic traits as permanent. We see this as a revelation, and there’s an exciting feeling of freedom when we understand that we don’t have any responsibility, or the ability, to change them! We’re finally able to let go of the effects of their dysfunction.
We welcome the understanding that narcissists don’t change. Narcissists are very predictable. Now we can anticipate their behavior, and we can make interacting with them feel safer for us, or at least more tolerable. As our expectations change, we may experience a sense of peace that we never thought possible. Now we can determine what kind and how much exposure we will subject ourselves to, and we can plan accordingly. Some of us may decide to have no contact at all, and some may choose to have limited contact with strict enforceable boundaries. For example, I decided to continue my relationship, but with limited contact.
When we get to Acceptance, we can determine which behaviors we’re willing to put up with, if any, how we’ll deal with them, and for how long. This is when we’ll start setting personal boundaries. We are finally able to focus on ourselves and our lives instead of dwelling on their unacceptance, hurtful words, and behavior, or changing ourselves to feel accepted or loved.
This is self-care. This is freedom. This is healing.
Could you be feeling the effects of Narcissism Awareness Grief? Download thefree chapter to find out:
from Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism
More tools
Conscious awareness: Be aware and make conscious choices before acting. Self-awareness releases us from making impulsive and potentially damaging decisions.
Self-care: We can only choose to focus on and be responsible for ourselves, our own thoughts, actions, and behavior. The good news is that we can change ourselves with patience, persistence, and practice. We can take responsibility for getting our needs met, instead of waiting for someone to change or meet our needs for us. We are in control of ourselves and no one is responsible for us but us.
Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.
Private Facebook group included for members only.
Get the TOOLBOX APP
for instant information, support, and validation!
I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self, Workbook and Journal, by Diane Metcalf
Experience the power of self-affirmation: using positive statements to improve well-being and performance. Learn research-based steps to write the most effective affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things.
Get the TOOLBOX posts twice monthly in your inbox!
About the Author
Drawing from her personal experiences of growing up in a dysfunctional household, Diane Metcalf has developed effective coping and healing strategies. With the assistance of professional therapists and mindful personal growth, she has honed her skills and now happily shares them with others who are interested in learning and growing.
As an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer, Diane is well-versed in topics such as narcissism, family dysfunction, abuse, and recognizing warning signs. Her extensive knowledge is drawn not only from her personal experiences, but also from her work in human service fields, including domestic violence, partner abuse, and court advocacy. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.
Diane’s transformational books on healing and personal growth, such as the highly acclaimed “Lemon Moms” series, offer emotional support and guidance in understanding narcissistic traits and healing past wounds. Her approach emphasizes self-awareness, intention, self-care, and establishing healthy boundaries as essential components in the healing process.
Learn more about the Lemon Moms series: Lemon Moms
There’s a lot of discussion in the Education field about “Adverse Childhood Experiences.” Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) are particular traumatic events that occur during childhood before the age of 18. When children experience trauma and educators understand its impact, trauma-informed interventions can be developed, which reduces the resulting negative consequences. Communities have also become involved in decreasing ACEs, preventing abuse and mistreatment, and creating more positive outcomes for children and their families (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 2016).
Childhood trauma research conducted in the 1990s discovered a connection between the number of Adverse Childhood Experiences someone has and the number of adverse outcomes experienced as adults. These resulting negative results included physical health, medical issues, mental illness, addiction, and risk-taking behaviors. The original ACE Study was conducted from 1995 to 1997 by Kaiser Permanente with two waves of data collection from over 17,000 HMO members. The study found that experiencing a traumatic childhood not only significantly impacts the probability that the individual will suffer from future health issues but indicates a higher likelihood of further adult victimization as well.
The data collection questionnaire used for gathering the ACE data is known as the “Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) quiz,” and the score is the total count of specific indicators of a turbulent childhood. The harsher the childhood, the higher the score, and the higher the risk for health and other problems later on, including risk-taking behaviors, chronic health conditions, mental illness, substance abuse, decreased or limited life potential, and early death (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 2019).
Why are Adverse Childhood Experiences important?
Adverse
Childhood Experiences are the environmental influences that challenge a child’s
sense of safety, stability, and attachment. They include but are not limited to
physical and verbal abuse, neglect, addiction, alcoholism, mental illness, and violence.
The data collection questionnaire used for gathering the ACE data is known as the “Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) quiz,” and the score is the total count of specific indicators of a turbulent childhood. The harsher the childhood, the higher the score, and the higher the risk for health and other problems later in life, like risk-taking behaviors, chronic health conditions, mental illness, substance abuse, decreased or limited life-potential, and early death (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 2019).
The ACE quiz measures 10 types of childhood trauma, five of which are personal: physical, verbal, and sexual abuse, and physical or emotional neglect. The remaining five are related to family members, for example, an alcoholic parent, a family member affected by domestic violence, incarcerated family member, a mentally ill family member, or living in a single-parent household due to divorce, death, or abandonment. There are many kinds of childhood trauma, but only 10 are included in the ACE quiz because they were the most frequently mentioned by the members of the research group.
Each
kind of traumatic experience scores one point. For example, a person who’s been
verbally abused and has one mentally ill parent, and lives in a single-parent
home has an ACE score of three.
If
other types of abuse or neglect were experienced, including extended periods of
toxic stress, those would also increase the likelihood of compromised health in
adulthood.
The ACE score is only a guideline. Positive childhood experiences can protect against many adverse outcomes, even after the trauma has occurred. (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention 2016). Some people who have high ACE scores, including myself, can recover and do well as adults. Resilience, a subject of ongoing research, is thought to be a key component of recovery.
Where can I take the ACE quiz?
If you’re interested in taking the Adverse Childhood Experiences quiz, you’ll find it here.
Could you be feeling the effects of Narcissism Awareness Grief? Download thefree chapter to find out:
from Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism
Tools
Conscious awareness: Be aware and make conscious choices before acting. Self-awareness releases us from making impulsive and potentially damaging decisions.
Self-care: We can only choose to focus on and be responsible for ourselves, our own thoughts, actions, and behavior. The good news is that we can change ourselves with patience, persistence, and practice. We can take responsibility for getting our needs met, instead of waiting for someone to change or meet our needs for us. We are in control of ourselves and no one is responsible for us but us.
Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.
Private Facebook group included for members only.
Get the TOOLBOX APP
for instant information, support, and validation!
I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self, Workbook and Journal, by Diane Metcalf
Experience the power of self-affirmation: using positive statements to improve well-being and performance. Learn research-based steps to write the most effective affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things.
Get the TOOLBOX posts twice monthly in your inbox!
About the Author
Drawing from her personal experiences of growing up in a dysfunctional household, Diane Metcalf has developed effective coping and healing strategies. With the assistance of professional therapists and mindful personal growth, she has honed her skills and now happily shares them with others who are interested in learning and growing.
As an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer, Diane is well-versed in topics such as narcissism, family dysfunction, abuse, and recognizing warning signs. Her extensive knowledge is drawn not only from her personal experiences, but also from her work in human service fields, including domestic violence, partner abuse, and court advocacy. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.
Diane’s transformational books on healing and personal growth, such as the highly acclaimed “Lemon Moms” series, offer emotional support and guidance in understanding narcissistic traits and healing past wounds. Her approach emphasizes self-awareness, intention, self-care, and establishing healthy boundaries as essential components in the healing process.
Learn more about the Lemon Moms series: Lemon Moms
“Gaslighting” is an expression borrowed from the 1938 stage play Gaslight. In the story, a husband tries to drive his wife insane by dimming their home’s gas-powered lights. When his wife notices and comments, he denies that their home illumination has changed in any way. This devilish scheme causes her to begin doubting her perception, judgment, and reality. Does this sound familiar?
Gaslighting can be used to get a reaction. For a narcissist, when a target reacts, it’s a form of narcissistic supply. The narcissist remains calm and rational, which causes the target to feel insecure and irrational. When you’re being gaslighted, you don’t always know what’s happening, but you may intuitively feel that some kind of mind game is going on. You’re confused, stressed, and frustrated, and you can’t figure out why. All of this gives a narcissist a huge amount of power and control. Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse. When narcissists gaslight, they feel superior in their ability to control your beliefs, feelings, thoughts, and perceptions.
How do I know if I’m being gaslighted?
You’re
likely being gaslighted if:
A narcissist uses your fears or insecurities against you. If you divulge any insecurities or personal worries to them, at some point, those will be used against you. This allows the narcissist to feel superior to you.
A narcissist wants you to think they know you better than you know yourself. They might say they know what you’re thinking, and if you say they’re wrong, they’ll only believe you’re lying. They may roll their eyes or make a disgusted face. Narcissists simply cannot allow themselves to be wrong.
A narcissist requires you to do things that aren’t appropriate (or morally right or legal, etc.) and tells you that it’s OK.
If you’re regularly told that something’s “normal” when you feel it isn’t, then you’re probably being gaslighted. For example, when I was a child, my mother frequently had me lie to other adults on her behalf. Usually, the lie was that she had a headache, or she didn’t feel well, or wasn’t home. She expected this from me without question. Growing up this way, I believed that doing this for my mother was normal. In my teens, when I started to recognize that this wasn’t something all kids had to do, I refused to continue doing it. It felt wrong, and I felt I was being used. It also felt like she should, as an adult, speak to other adults directly. She made it clear that she was disappointed with me for wanting her to be honest and not expect me to lie for her anymore.
A narcissist “diagnoses” you and tells you what’s “wrong” with you. You’re informed that you’re mentally ill, or you need help, or that you have “issues.” When a narcissist doesn’t get their way, they will insult you and question your judgment or your sanity. They may tell you that you need therapy or medication. This really isn’t about you, though. In fact, it has nothing to do with you; it’s all about their need to feel superior and in control of you and your relationship.
A narcissist rewrites history. They inform you that what you know to be accurate or real is, in fact, not correct or factual. The most common type of gaslighting I experienced as a child was when I witnessed my mother saying or doing something frightening, threatening, or mean-spirited (and when she was exhibiting a narcissistic rage). I would later ask her about it, and she would gaslight me. For example, I overheard her viciously mistreating my grandmother by loudly and verbally abusing her. I confronted my mother about it when she exited my grandmother’s bedroom. She didn’t realize I’d overheard the entire vicious scenario and looked at me with shock and disbelief. Then she looked confused and said, “What are you talking about? I didn’t scream at her or call her names.” She calmly and flatly denied it, explaining, “You must have dreamt it.”
A narcissist tells you your memory is faulty. Narcissists recall or retell a shared memory very differently than you, which is OK since we all perceive differently. The problem here is that they will describe their behavior or reaction as rational, good, and righteous but spin yours as irrational or shameful. In their version, they are always either the hero or the victim.
What does gaslighting do?
Gaslighting can have severe mental and emotional effects, especially if it’s ongoing. If you’re being gaslighted, you may begin doing whatever it takes to avoid stress and arguments or to prevent the narcissist from becoming triggered, angry, or abusive.
A significant symptom of gaslighting is the constant feeling of confusion or being off-balance, as I’ve mentioned. It’s one of the most challenging aspects of healing from gaslighting. That’s because we’ve learned to disregard our intuition, our sense of trust, memories, minds, and indeed our perception of anything! Because we may have learned to trust the narcissist’s interpretation of the world and rely on it instead of our own, we begin to doubt our reality and convince ourselves that their version of reality is correct. There’s a feeling of things not adding up, a feeling of confusion and disorientation when we’re around them. I came to think of these discrepancies (between my reality and my mother’s version) as a flaw in myself. I drove myself crazy trying to figure out and make sense of the disparity between what I observed with my senses and what I was told that I observed. This kind of internal conflict is called cognitive dissonance, and it’s the “crazy-making” aspect of gaslighting.
You may get unexpected or inappropriate responses to common questions or actions from a narcissist, and your reactions may be deemed to be incorrect or unreasonable. You may get strange “looks” from them that make you question your every move. Fearful for your mental health, you might worry that you are losing your mind. You may begin believing you’re illogical, irrational, or mentally ill. You likely feel confused by things the narcissist says and does, but your observations can’t be validated because no one else is usually around when it happens.
You’ll come to doubt your memory. This was a big one for me because my mother liked to overwrite my perceptions and memories with her own, I heard a lot of, “I never said that,” “You dreamt it,” or “You imagined it.” This was the attribute of gaslighting that harmed me the most. Continually being told that I perceived and remembered events “incorrectly” had me in a continual state of self-doubt, confusion, and disorientation. It negatively impacted my ability to make decisions and trust my judgment.
Gaslighting leads to feeling depressed, anxious, helpless, hopeless, or exhausted. Life may begin to feel surreal, you may feel like you’re invisible or like you don’t actually exist. Your sense of reality may seem” fuzzy,” and you can’t think straight You’ll have trouble problem-solving and making decisions because you doubt your judgment or your observations.
And while you’re struggling, the narcissist will continue to play mind games and twist your perception.
Eventually, you may begin to rely on the narcissist to tell you what’s “real” and what isn’t. They’ll happily tell you what you’re thinking and what you remember, and they’ll correct any memory that makes them appear less than great. If the gaslighting is constant, your reality will begin to depend on the narcissist’s interpretation. You’ll eventually lose your sense of self, and when this happens, you’ve probably also started to disassociate. What’s happening is that you’re losing your self-identity and becoming the version of “you” that your narcissist thinks you are.
Could you be feeling the effects of Narcissism Awareness Grief? Download thefree chapter to find out:
from Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism
Tools
Conscious awareness: Be aware and make conscious choices before acting. Self-awareness releases us from making impulsive and potentially damaging decisions.
Self-care: We can only choose to focus on and be responsible for ourselves, our own thoughts, actions, and behavior. The good news is that we can change ourselves with patience, persistence, and practice. We can take responsibility for getting our needs met, instead of waiting for someone to change or meet our needs for us. We are in control of ourselves and no one is responsible for us but us.
Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.
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I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self, Workbook and Journal, by Diane Metcalf
Experience the power of self-affirmation: using positive statements to improve well-being and performance. Learn research-based steps to write the most effective affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things.
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About the Author
Drawing from her personal experiences of growing up in a dysfunctional household, Diane Metcalf has developed effective coping and healing strategies. With the assistance of professional therapists and mindful personal growth, she has honed her skills and now happily shares them with others who are interested in learning and growing.
As an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer, Diane is well-versed in topics such as narcissism, family dysfunction, abuse, and recognizing warning signs. Her extensive knowledge is drawn not only from her personal experiences, but also from her work in human service fields, including domestic violence, partner abuse, and court advocacy. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.
Diane’s transformational books on healing and personal growth, such as the highly acclaimed “Lemon Moms” series, offer emotional support and guidance in understanding narcissistic traits and healing past wounds. Her approach emphasizes self-awareness, intention, self-care, and establishing healthy boundaries as essential components in the healing process.
Learn more about the Lemon Moms series: Lemon Moms
To fully
understand how neglectful or traumatic experiences affect human beings, we need
to understand some things about our brains.
The key player is the limbic system, which is an intricate network of structures located in the brain beneath the cerebral cortex (the brain’s outer layer, composed of folded gray matter, which plays a vital role in consciousness). Composed of four main parts, the hypothalamus, the amygdala, the thalamus, and the hippocampus—the system controls our basic emotions (fear, pleasure, anger) and, as such, drives hunger, sex, and caring for children. It’s involved with instinct, mood, motivation, and emotional behavior.
The amygdala is another structure that’s part of this system. We have two amygdalae, one on either side of our brains. It’s considered the “emotional” brain because it’s highly involved with memory and connected emotional responses.
The amygdala’s job is to convert and move information out of short-term memory into long-term memory and to connect emotions to these memories (Krause-Utz et al. 2017).
Fight or Flight
Whenever we experience any traumatic episode, a hormone
called adrenalin is released from our adrenal glands. This action causes a
memory of the trauma to be created in our amygdala. The memory is not stored
linearly like a story. Instead, it’s saved according to how our five senses
experienced the trauma as it happened. So, the traumatic memories are stored as bits of visual images, smells,
sounds, tastes, or physical contact. The
amygdala then gives meaning and a particular degree of emotional intensity to
this event.
If the amygdala is continually on high alert, overstimulated from adrenalin from a real or a perceived threat, our emotions won’t become self-regulated like they’re supposed to. When emotions aren’t self-regulated, we continue to respond to old, buried memories with an automatic, knee-jerk behavior called “triggering.” Triggering is caused when the brain has lost the ability to distinguish between something that is a threat and something that’s not. The amygdala misinterprets input from our senses, eyes, ears, nose, mouth, and/or skin -as being dangerous or threatening, even when it’s not.
And if we continually live in this high-alert, fight or flight survival mode, we’ll likely begin using coping methods that aren’t good for us. We may lie, depend on drugs, overeat, steal, or do whatever it takes to help us cope with unmanageable stress.
Another
essential structure within the limbic system is the horseshoe-shaped
hippocampus.
The
hippocampus also plays a role in moving information from short-term to
long-term memory, but its job is cataloging memories for eventual storage and
retrieval and developing new memories about past
experiences.
The
hippocampus is in charge of remembering locations for objects and people. When
we remember that we left our keys on the kitchen counter, we’re using our
hippocampus. We use the hippocampus for spatial memory, navigating, and
orientation. Without it, we wouldn’t remember where the kitchen counter is or
how to get there from where we are in relation. This is critical information
about our surroundings, and we rely on it to find our way around.
The
hippocampus continues to be the focus of research regarding cognition (understanding through thought, experience, and senses)
and memory-retention in post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) (Kolassa and Elbert 2007).
Differences between PTSD and C-PTSD
Complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD) results from a series of trauma-causing events, or one prolonged event, whereas PTSD is usually related to a single traumatic event. This repeated exposure causes additional symptoms not experienced by people with PTSD. C-PTSD can be the result of narcissistic abuse because our very being, who we are at our core, is continually attacked or threatened when we’re in a relationship with a narcissist. Common symptoms of C-PTSD are flashbacks, panic attacks, nightmares, excessive startle reaction, and habitually thinking about the traumatic event (McClelland and Gilyard 2008).
Children who experience neglect or ongoing traumatic abuse are at risk for developing complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD), depression, self-harming behaviors, and conditions likeanxiety, conduct, attachment, eating, substance use, and other disorders. When these children become adults, they’ll be at risk for revictimization and physical illnesses like diabetes, heart disease, and immunological disorders. Research shows that women who’ve endured childhood abuse-related PTSD may also have altered brain structures, and their cognitive functioning may also be impaired as compared with women who were abused but not diagnosed with PTSD or women with no history of abuse. Abuse-related PTSD is associated with a reduced ability to focus and categorize information. When the attention and memory encoding activities of the limbic system are suspended due to real or perceived threats, verbal language ability may also become impaired (Ford 2017).
We learn
our value as people as well as how to develop healthy, supportive relationships
by interacting with our primary caretakers and family members. Kids who’ve been
neglected or abused by a caretaker find it challenging to form a healthy
attachment to them. If our caretaker was emotionally unstable, neglectful, or
abusive, we might have learned that we can’t trust or depend on others to meet
our needs. Studies indicate that children are more susceptible to stress and its
related illnesses when they’re unable to create a healthy attachment to their
caretaker. They may have difficulty interacting with authority figures like
teachers and other adults. They struggle with managing and expressing their
emotions, and they may react inappropriately or even aggressively in specific
settings. Later in life, they may have difficulty sustaining romantic
relationships and friendships.
Those of
us who have experienced maternal narcissistic abuse may eventually find
ourselves in an abusive, toxic, or less-than-satisfying adult relationship.
It’s not
hard to see why. It makes sense: this person’s behavior and way of
relating to us seem familiar, and we already know our role and what’s expected
of us in the relationship.
Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.
Private Facebook group included for members only.
Get the TOOLBOX APP
for instant information, support, and validation!
I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self, Workbook and Journal, by Diane Metcalf
Experience the power of self-affirmation: using positive statements to improve well-being and performance. Learn research-based steps to write the most effective affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things.
Get the TOOLBOX posts twice monthly in your inbox!
About the Author
Drawing from her personal experiences of growing up in a dysfunctional household, Diane Metcalf has developed effective coping and healing strategies. With the assistance of professional therapists and mindful personal growth, she has honed her skills and now happily shares them with others who are interested in learning and growing.
As an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer, Diane is well-versed in topics such as narcissism, family dysfunction, abuse, and recognizing warning signs. Her extensive knowledge is drawn not only from her personal experiences, but also from her work in human service fields, including domestic violence, partner abuse, and court advocacy. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.
Diane’s transformational books on healing and personal growth, such as the highly acclaimed “Lemon Moms” series, offer emotional support and guidance in understanding narcissistic traits and healing past wounds. Her approach emphasizes self-awareness, intention, self-care, and establishing healthy boundaries as essential components in the healing process.
Learn more about the Lemon Moms series: Lemon Moms
Are you feeling mental, emotional, or physical distress from trying to please your mother and it's never good enough? You may be dealing with Narcissistic Victim Syndrome.
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