The Toolbox
  • THE TOXIC UNDO
  • Books
  • FREE
  • Self-talk
  • Contribute
  • Earn Cash
THE TOXIC UNDO
Books
FREE
Self-talk
Contribute
Earn Cash
The Toolbox
  • THE TOXIC UNDO
  • Books
  • FREE
  • Self-talk
  • Contribute
  • Earn Cash
Browsing Tag
trauma
Self Care•Trauma•Well-being

Reclaiming Our Power: Moving Beyond Victimhood After Relational Trauma

Healed relationship
March 8, 2023 by Diane M. Metcalf, MS No Comments

Many of us who’ve been affected by relational trauma have ugly scars on our hearts. We may see ourselves as victims, or feel helpless or stuck. But living in a state of victimhood is damaging; it keeps us focused on our limitations and leads us into giving up our personal power.

Here’s the thing: recovering from relational trauma is the opposite of victimhood; it involves reclaiming our power, setting healthy boundaries for ourselves, and making choices based on our needs, wants, and what is good for us.

Healing from relational trauma is a bittersweet journey that requires patience, self-compassion, and doing healing work in a judgment-free zone. Every person’s healing process is unique. It’s essential to do this work without applying restrictions, expectations, or a time frame. There will be unexpected insights and discoveries along the way requiring exploration and healing.

Quick Links:

  • THE BITTERSWEET JOURNEY OF HEALING FROM RELATIONAL TRAUMA: EMBRACING UNPREDICTABILITY AND SELF-COMPASSION
  • DISCLOSING PERSONAL ASPECTS OF RELATIONSHIPS: TO SHARE OR NOT TO SHARE?
  • WHAT HEALING IS, AND IS NOT
  • THINKING VS. FEELING
  • THE DEEP DIVE: REFRAMING PAINFUL EXPERIENCES IN THE RECOVERY PROCESS
  • TOOLS FOR MOVING FORWARD

THE BITTERSWEET JOURNEY OF HEALING FROM RELATIONAL TRAUMA: EMBRACING UNPREDICTABILITY AND SELF-COMPASSION

It’s critical to acknowledge that the healing process is unique for each of us, and cannot be predetermined or compared with others’ journeys. And creating an accepting, judgment-free zone for ourselves is crucial because healing requires effort, courage, and vulnerability. Our recovery is not simply the “after” that follows the “before,” it is much more than that. Recovery involves deep-diving into and reframing painful experiences to add depth and new significance to our personal stories. We wouldn’t be who we are without these experiences. Doing this work requires reflection, insight, emotion, time, and effort, so it’s beneficial to be kind to ourselves as we learn and grow.

DISCLOSING PERSONAL ASPECTS OF RELATIONSHIPS: TO SHARE OR NOT TO SHARE?

As we’re healing, it’s important to be careful when disclosing personal aspects of our relationships. Sharing our thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and ideas with people who are currently in unhealthy relationships themselves or haven’t recovered from their own traumatic or hurtful relationships can either trigger us or lead them to respond inappropriately or hurtfully. As we recover, we will naturally become better at discerning whom we can trust with our openness. After healing, we understand that emotionally healthy people are the ones who can respectfully hear and accept us without their sense of self becoming threatened.

WHAT HEALING IS, AND IS NOT

Healing is not a process of erasing pain and memories. It requires effort, courage, and the ability to reframe painful experiences to create a new outlook and meaning for us. When we’ve healed, scars from our past may be a permanent reminder, but they do not continue to define us. They are now just a small, faded part of our unique history.

Recuperating from emotional abuse, neglect or mistreatment requires us to be willing to become new and better versions of ourselves. Being willing to forgive ourselves is a vital part of this process because we might have unknowingly, or knowingly, hurt others as a result of our unhealed or unacknowledged wounds. Throughout the healing process, we regain the ability to trust ourselves, make sound decisions, and trust others.

THINKING VS. FEELING

Thinking and feeling are distinct and separate approaches for relating to our environment, experiences, and memories.

Thinking about and remembering what happened to us doesn’t promote healing. That’s where many of us get stuck. Real healing requires more than educating ourselves or revisiting old memories. It takes more than adding new practices to our lives, like affirmations, meditation, or prayer. Those are all great for personal growth and for gaining insight, and I think it’s beneficial for us to do any or all of those things. But in my experience, they’re not enough to truly promote recovery.

Here’s my point: all of those are done on a conscious level.

THE DEEP DIVE: REFRAMING PAINFUL EXPERIENCES IN THE RECOVERY PROCESS

The process of healing emotional wounds cannot be achieved through cognitive processes like thought, reasoning, and logic alone. Healing emotional wounds requires feeling. It’s crucial to feel what we’re doing instead of trying to think our way into recovery. While it’s important to use our cognitive abilities to learn and understand, we must also do the “feeling” work because attempting to heal on a conscious level, using rationalization, can lead to the same pain, confusion, and frustration we experienced when it was happening. It’s like running on a treadmill and going nowhere.  Re-experiencing sorrow, confusion, and anger with a new perspective and understanding can promote healing because our emotional wounds reside in our subconscious. It makes sense to address the wounds where they live.

Im-Here-Instagram-Post-Square-1024x1024 Reclaiming Our Power: Moving Beyond Victimhood After Relational Trauma

Dodging the healing process can heighten emotional triggers, perpetuating a cycle of self-avoidance; hiding from and denying our pain any time the pain is felt. We might turn to substances or activities to avoid feeling our pain; alcohol, drugs, food, sex, shopping, or gambling. Almost anything can serve as a distraction. The result is that nothing gets healed, and our pain and emotional triggers continue to grow.

If the idea of re-experiencing any part of your past is frightening or concerning to you, then seeking professional help is recommended. Please seek help from a licensed abuse recovery expert. Finding a licensed abuse recovery expert who specializes in your specific trauma can provide validation, knowledge, and safety to aid you in your healing journey. It takes courage and wisdom to seek professional help, especially when you’ve experienced significant pain.

So now the question is, are you ready to take back your personal power and make a huge perspective shift to begin healing?

First, consider how healing may change your personality, goals, and relationships. Healing reframes painful experiences and provides an opportunity for personal growth. Healing restores our capacity to trust ourselves and others. How do these potential changes make you feel?

I think it’s important to also mention that healing means getting comfortable with others detaching from us. As we begin to understand that we can’t control how others perceive us, we organically let go of the idea that we need others’ validation in our healing journey. We accept that our healing process is a self-focused and insightful time that belongs only to us and becomes part of our life experience. The people you lose during the healing process were meant to be with unhealed you.

As you’re doing your healing work, it’s important to acknowledge every breakthrough and celebrate your progress toward living a healthier life with intact boundaries. The process of healing may be painful, but developing a healthy self-concept and outlook, along with new life skills, and enforceable boundaries are the ultimate goals. With time, healed individuals will easily recognize narcissists and toxic people and handle them accordingly.

It’s a journey of progress, not perfection.

You’ve got this.


Could you be feeling the effects of Narcissism Awareness Grief? Download the free chapter to find out:

EXPERIENCING NARCISSISM AWARENESS GRIEF

from Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism


TOOLS FOR MOVING FORWARD

Learn about people-pleasing and unhealthy survival skills learned in childhood

Learn to set boundaries

Learn about dysfunctional family roles

Understand Narcissism Awareness Grief

Understand the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle

Take the Adverse Childhood Experiences Quiz

More Resources You May Like:

Visit the TOXIC UNDO for More Healing

Join the Free Email Survival Course:

Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.

Private Facebook group included for members only.

Register Here!
Free 8-week email Survival Course

    I respect your privacy. Unsubscribe at anytime.

    Get the TOOLBOX APP

    for instant information, support, and validation!

    Toolbox-App-on-Website-2 Reclaiming Our Power: Moving Beyond Victimhood After Relational Trauma
    GOOGLEPLAY-EMBLEM Reclaiming Our Power: Moving Beyond Victimhood After Relational Trauma
    app-store-logo Reclaiming Our Power: Moving Beyond Victimhood After Relational Trauma

    2-1024x1024 Reclaiming Our Power: Moving Beyond Victimhood After Relational Trauma

    I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self, Workbook and Journal, by Diane Metcalf

    Experience the power of self-affirmation: using positive statements to improve well-being and performance. Learn research-based steps to write the most effective affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things.

    Get it Here:

    Author’s Site: Free Shipping
    Barnes and Noble
    Amazon
    Browse the Positivity Shop

    Get the TOOLBOX posts twice monthly in your inbox!

    Sign-up for twice monthly coping and healing strategies right to your inbox!
    ​
    ​
    Your Free Gift:
    An Inner Child Guided Healing Meditation MP3

      We respect your privacy. Unsubscribe at anytime.

      3D-3-book-series Reclaiming Our Power: Moving Beyond Victimhood After Relational Trauma

      About the Author

      Facetune_06-05-2021-18-24-57-150x150 Reclaiming Our Power: Moving Beyond Victimhood After Relational Trauma

      As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping and healing strategies. She happily shares those with those who want to learn and grow in their own recovery journies. 

      Diane is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer on narcissism, family dysfunction, and abuse. She draws from her personal childhood experiences, as well as her work in human service fields like domestic violence and partner abuse. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.

      Her transformational books about healing and moving forward include the highly praised “Lemon Moms” series. This emotionally supportive collection explains narcissistic traits and teaches how to reconcile past hurts to begin self-nurturing, healing, and moving forward.

      See what’s new on DianeMetcalf.com

      Learn about the Lemon Moms series: Lemon Moms

      This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

      Read more

      Please share!

      Reading time: 6 min
      Codependency•Scapegoating

      When a Caregiver is a Narcissist

      I'm on the right path
      October 2, 2022 by Diane M. Metcalf, MS No Comments

      When a primary caregiver, like a mother, is somewhere on the narcissism spectrum (or is a narcissist,) any children in their care will be vulnerable to becoming targets of mistreatment or abuse. That’s because children don’t have the mental and emotional maturity to comprehend their circumstances or to set protective boundaries. Their age dictates complete dependence on and trust of the narcissistic caregiver. As a result, they can easily be manipulated and emotionally controlled.

      All children need and want their parent’s approval and validation. If kids grow up in home environments that are competitive or where love is conditional, they realize that they have to be “the best” in order to be loved. Deep down, they understand that they must earn their parent’s or caregiver’s love and affection by “doing” or “achieving.”

      Quick Document Links

      • What Happens When a Caregiver is Emotionally Unstable
      • Becoming Codependent
      • Forming Healthy Adult Relationships
      • Tools for Healing

      What Happens When a Caregiver is Emotionally Unstable

      If a parent or caregiver is emotionally unstable, the children will experience almost daily drama and chaos, along with the resulting feelings of insecurity, instability, and fear. If a parent or caregiver is threatening, angry, or verbally abusive, the child’s role in the family will frequently change according to that parent’s current emotional state. All children in the home will take turns being devalued or idealized by the unstable parent. These dynamics mean that everyone in the family “revolves around” the explosive or unstable parent, trying to keep them calm. This is often achieved by hypervigilance; monitoring the parents’ moods, and doing whatever pleases them in order to hold off an unprovoked attack or to remain in good standing for as long as possible (see dysfunctional family roles). Every child responds to this chaos and uncertainty in their own unique way, possibly developing feelings of anger or becoming rebellious or violent. Some feel defeated and give up, becoming withdrawn or depressed, or self-isolating. And others feel a deep sense of shame for not being “good enough,” eroding their self-confidence and self-esteem. They are the shy, quiet ones.

      The feelings of inadequacy that stem from “not being good enough” to receive unconditional love from a parent may be the catalyst for developing a “false self.” Learning to hide “faults” by developing a false self, and adopting the values and characteristics of the narcissistic parent, may contribute to kids becoming narcissists themselves (Greenberg 2016).

      Narcissists enjoy believing they’re superior, smarter, and better at everything than everyone else. This is one of the reasons they’re often defensive and become angered so easily and quickly. If you challenge a narcissist, there will usually be undesirable repercussions, and children of narcissists understand this very well.

      Needless to say, narcissistic parents are not healthy role models for their children. They have no problem with using foul language in front of or even directed at their children. They may make age-inappropriate adult or sexual comments, inferences, or jokes in front of or to their children. They generally behave immaturely and impulsively and may openly express their addictions. They may also violate laws in front of the children.

      Narcissistic parents are oblivious to the damage they inflict by exposing their children to inappropriate situations and behavior. They’re not self-aware enough to see how their actions affect others (see Traits of a Narcissistic Mother.)

      narc-parent-200x300 When a Caregiver is a Narcissist

      Becoming Codependent

      Codependency is a survival skill set that children may develop when living in these kinds of conditions. Codependent skills are developed from necessity. Codependency ensures survival and safety in a potentially dangerous situation. It provides a sense of security, a type of self-esteem or purpose, and a means to obtain love or affection. Using codependent coping skills makes it possible for any child living with a narcissistic caregiver to deal with their chaotic, confusing, and often hurtful home environment.

      As children, if we were caretakers for our mothers (or others’) emotional or physical well-being, we likely matured quickly and took on responsibilities that were not age-appropriate or even our own. When it felt physically or emotionally unsafe to be around our parents or caregivers, we learned to tiptoe around their instability, trying not to upset them, in order to feel safe. We learned to make ourselves “invisible” and live under the radar. We monitored moods and responded accordingly. We noticed behavioral patterns, and we became very good at predicting behavior. We learned how to take the initiative in making life easier or better for them so that we could feel a sense of stability, security, and safety for ourselves. We became accustomed to doing things for others that they could do for themselves. We became watchers and doers. We became codependent.


      Could you be feeling the effects of Narcissism Awareness Grief? Download the free chapter to find out:

      EXPERIENCING NARCISSISM AWARENESS GRIEF

      from Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism


      Forming Healthy Adult Relationships

      It is necessary for children to develop a healthy sense of self, a foundation for forming healthy adult relationships later. To do this, they must feel safe in their caregiver relationships. When children don’t have mentally healthy caregivers, they don’t learn or develop healthy relationship skills to equip themselves for adulthood. Instead, they imitate family members’ maladaptive skills, such as using manipulation, physical aggression, violence, threats, and substances, which do more harm than good.

      If we became codependent as children, we can heal as adults. We can do all of the things for ourselves that our caregivers could not or did not do. We can reinvent ourselves and move forward. We can learn to affirm and validate ourselves, and we can develop high self-esteem and self-confidence. We can begin to trust our minds and our memories. We can learn to recognize unhealthy or mentally ill people and steer clear. We can set boundaries. We can use our voices to empower ourselves. We can find our lost authentic selves and reclaim our lives.

      Tools for Healing

      Learn about the narcissistic abuse cycle

      Learn about dysfunctional family roles

      Learn more about codependency 

      Learn why what you tell yourself matters

      Learn why verbal abuse hurts us

      Learn about attachment styles

      Learn how to protect yourself with boundaries 

      More Resources You May Like:

      Visit the TOXIC UNDO for More Healing

      Join the Free Email Survival Course:

      Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.

      Private Facebook group included for members only.

      Register Here!
      Free 8-week email Survival Course

        I respect your privacy. Unsubscribe at anytime.

        Get the TOOLBOX APP

        for instant information, support, and validation!

        Toolbox-App-on-Website-2 When a Caregiver is a Narcissist
        GOOGLEPLAY-EMBLEM When a Caregiver is a Narcissist
        app-store-logo When a Caregiver is a Narcissist

        2-1024x1024 When a Caregiver is a Narcissist

        I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self, Workbook and Journal, by Diane Metcalf

        Experience the power of self-affirmation: using positive statements to improve well-being and performance. Learn research-based steps to write the most effective affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things.

        Get it Here:

        Author’s Site: Free Shipping
        Barnes and Noble
        Amazon
        Browse the Positivity Shop

        Get the TOOLBOX posts twice monthly in your inbox!

        Sign-up for twice monthly coping and healing strategies right to your inbox!
        ​
        ​
        Your Free Gift:
        An Inner Child Guided Healing Meditation MP3

          We respect your privacy. Unsubscribe at anytime.

          3D-3-book-series When a Caregiver is a Narcissist

          About the Author

          Facetune_06-05-2021-18-24-57-150x150 When a Caregiver is a Narcissist

          As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping and healing strategies. She happily shares those with those who want to learn and grow in their own recovery journies. 

          Diane is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer on narcissism, family dysfunction, and abuse. She draws from her personal childhood experiences, as well as her work in human service fields like domestic violence and partner abuse. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.

          Her transformational books about healing and moving forward include the highly praised “Lemon Moms” series. This emotionally supportive collection explains narcissistic traits and teaches how to reconcile past hurts to begin self-nurturing, healing, and moving forward.

          See what’s new on DianeMetcalf.com

          Learn about the Lemon Moms series: Lemon Moms

          This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

          Read more

          Please share!

          Reading time: 5 min
          Anger•Narcissism•Scapegoating

          The Nature Of Narcissistic Rage: Understanding Outbursts And Grudges

          Angry doll
          July 1, 2022 by Diane M. Metcalf, MS No Comments

          Have you ever witnessed someone’s narcissistic rage? Speaking from experience, I’m guessing that it’s something you will not easily forget.

          In my book Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism, I talk about the fact that narcissists are opinionated, argumentative, and defensive, and have no problem confronting, criticizing, shaming, or mocking anyone who challenges or disagrees with them.

          Quick Document Links:

          • Definition
          • Let’s Pretend: Navigating Reality In A Relationship With A Narcissist
          • Passive Aggressive Rage
          • When Words Fail: The Connection Between Narcissistic Rages And Non-Verbal Expressions Of Anger
          • The Consequences of Rage
          • How to Handle a Narcissistic Rage
          • Tools for Healing

          Definition

          You see, narcissists don’t entertain differences of opinion or perspectives. Instead, they gain (or re-gain) control of a conversation or a situation by gaslighting, humiliating, insulting, and discrediting others, or by having a type of emotional meltdown known as a narcissistic rage. Narcissistic rages happen when we do anything that causes a narcissistic injury or wound; anything perceived as a threat to their self-importance, dominance, or ‘false face.’

          Narcissistic anger is similar to an adult temper tantrum, except that it can be dangerous for us to witness, or worse, become the target. These highly emotional episodes are meant to unbalance, scare, intimidate and unnerve us. They are used as threatening displays of power and control. They consist of unexpected and uncontrollable outrage triggered by some type of narcissistic injury or wounding. For example, if a narcissist’s self-esteem or self-worth has been hurt, rage will probably ensue.

          When a narcissist is caught up in this type of outburst, they are unreasonable and unforgiving. Their main objective at this point is to hurt and take revenge. They want to seriously punish the “offender,” even if it means losing a relationship or irrevocably damaging one. They want to “win” at any cost. They won’t feel regret, remorse, or any need to apologize for their volatile, hurtful, damaging, embarrassing, and attention-seeking eruption. (See How to Recognize a Narcissist.)

          Narcissistic rages are fear-based and can persist even after the perceived threat is gone. Often, these rages are not warranted, and a narcissist will hang onto the memory of our perceived transgression for weeks and months at a time. They will continue exacting revenge and punishing. When are they done? When they decide to be done. Those on the narcissism spectrum can be champion grudge holders. Holding grudges vindicates their hurtful behavior. Grudges give them a reason to feel victimized. A narcissist will bring up your “wrongdoings” as frequently as they can while playing the injured “poor me” to get sympathy and narcissistic supply. The message is that they didn’t hurt you. YOU hurt them!

          Let’s Pretend: Navigating Reality In A Relationship With A Narcissist

          “Slamming and banging” is a type of narcissistic rage and a scenario I regularly experienced while growing up. When my mother was angry, she wouldn’t (couldn’t?) express her feelings. Instead, she would slam and bang things—usually cupboard doors, pots, pans, shoes, car doors, and room doors, but really it could be any object within reach. This was how she demonstrated feelings of annoyance, disappointment, irritation, or frustration. She didn’t use words to express these feelings, and on the rare occasion that she did, they were shouted, hurtful, and inappropriate.

          When I was a child, too naive to appreciate the danger of doing so, I asked, “Is something wrong, Mommy?” and she routinely and furiously shouted “No!” -a confusing mixed message. Clearly, something was very wrong, and even a child could see it. If I worriedly kept pressing, (wanting her to re-gain emotional control, and wanting to feel safe myself,) I paid the price by being shouted at, called hurtful names, humiliated, shamed, or punished. It was not good to ask questions during the rages, even as an act of kindness or concern. Her rages were some of the most traumatizing events of my childhood

          As I matured, my question changed from “Is something wrong?” to “What is wrong?” I’d slowly become aware that something was very amiss at home, and I refused to continue playing “let’s pretend” everything’s fine. I could clearly see that something was upsetting her, and I called it out. Of course, the results were the same as before. Here’s the thing: when you live with a dysfunctional person, you understand that “reality” is never “real” because everyone involved is playing a form of “let’s pretend.” You play let’s pretend to keep them calm, and so that you can feel safe. But everyone involved is pretending something different.

          punching-300x200 The Nature Of Narcissistic Rage: Understanding Outbursts And Grudges

          Passive Aggressive Rage

          Sometimes narcissistic rages don’t actually look like rages. These are the passive-aggressive kinds of rage, meaning that they feel aggressive even though they appear docile. They involve sulking, giving backhanded compliments, procrastinating, making sarcastic remarks, withdrawing, sabotaging and undermining, and even include “the silent treatment.” These passive-aggressive behaviors are subtle and discreet, but they’re narcissistic rages nonetheless. My narcissist vacillated between loud, intimidating, furious outbursts and using passive aggression. At times she shouted; hurling obscenities so loudly and fiercely that she turned purple, her eyes bulged, and spittle flew. It was terrifying to see her like that, not only because she looked horrifically ugly, but because she was emotionally out of control. It’s scary and traumatizing to witness the parent you depend on losing self-control. At times like these, I never knew what to expect, so I was on high alert and prepared for pretty much anything; I might be backhanded across the face or hauled into a bedroom and left, or ignored for hours. I might be called names that shredded my developing self-worth and crushed my spirit. I might be struck with an object, deprived of meals or activities, or threatened with having bones broken, or being murdered or abandoned. Or she could simply and completely withdraw from my life, not speaking to me for as long as she felt necessary. When she was passive-aggressive she often made sarcastic, hurtful comments in a sweet, caring, and kind voice. Talk about crazy-making environments!

          When Words Fail: The Connection Between Narcissistic Rages And Non-Verbal Expressions Of Anger

          More than four decades after their divorce, my mother routinely called the Social Security Administration to confirm that her ex-husband, my father, was still alive. She was motivated by a firm determination to receive survivor benefits when he passed.

          One morning, she made the usual call and discovered that my father had passed six months prior. She called me at work to tell me that my father was dead, and she was livid that no one had contacted her. She was outraged that she’d missed out on several months of financial benefits and was extremely distraught. She wanted me to come to her home when my workday was finished.

          When I got there, she wanted me to drive her to the post office. She’d written a letter to my father’s widow, his wife of more than forty years, and intended to send it by certified mail. She knew their address because she’d stalked them for years. When I warily asked about the letter’s contents, I learned that it was a hurtful, scathing chastisement for not personally informing my mother, or his children, of my father’s death.

          I didn’t take her to the post office, and I don’t know if the letter was ever sent.

          Narcissistic rages have nothing to do with you. Narcissism is a mental illness caused by events on which you had no influence.

          So, what caused this tumultuous disturbance? This day-long narcissistic rage was triggered by the enormous sense of injustice and entitlement that my mother felt. She had been “wronged”; she had been slighted. She had been overlooked as the first wife. She had been temporarily denied her rightful financial due. All of those were narcissistic injuries.

          Within hours, she busily began informing family, friends, and neighbors that she’d become a “widow,” readily accepting condolences and sympathy. The rage had passed; she was a victim again.

          Narcissistic injuries that may trigger rage in a narcissist:

          • Someone criticized them.
          • They were not the center of attention.
          • They were embarrassed.
          • They were confronted.
          • Someone pointed out a character flaw.
          • Someone noticed that they’d made an error.
          • They were caught lying, cheating, stealing, or breaking a rule of acceptable behavior.
          • They felt like they were losing control.
          • Their authority was challenged or threatened.
          • Someone made a decision without their input.
          • Someone took the initiative without their permission.
          • Someone was appreciated (or more highly regarded) than they.
          • Someone didn’t take their advice.
          • They were asked to be accountable for their actions.
          • They did not get the special treatment they thought they deserved.
          • They were reminded of their inadequacy.
          • They were shamed.

          The Consequences of Rage

          It’s interesting to know that narcissists may pay a heavy price for their rages.

          In “Understanding Narcissism’s Destructive Impact on Relationships,” Preston Ni (2018), talks about the consequences a narcissist may suffer as a result of ongoing, vindictive, narcissistic anger. Some of these include:

          1. Family Estrangement: Research shows that narcissistic rages hurt family relationships.
          2. Lost romantic relationships and divorce: Research shows that rages hurt romantic relationships and marriages.
          3. Isolation: Narcissists use people for personal gain. Eventually, acquaintances, family, and friends recognize this and distance themselves or go “no contact.”
          4. Loneliness: Narcissists have few healthy or lasting relationships.
          5. Missed Opportunities: Because of the lack of personal connection, opportunities may disappear or don’t appear in the first place.
          6. Legal, Financial, or Career issues: Rule-breaking, irresponsibility, and carelessness are found to have legal and financial repercussions.
          7. Damaged Reputation: A lack of personal or professional integrity, trustworthiness, or dependability can negatively impact others’ perceptions.

          How to Handle a Narcissistic Rage

          There are several actions you can take beforehand to protect yourself from a narcissist’s rage:

          • Set and enforce boundaries
          • Limit the amount of contact you have with the narcissist
          • Don’t engage. Walk away
          • Use the Gray Rock technique
          • Use the communication strategies outlined in the “Talking with Your Mother” chapter, book 1, Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism
          • Talk to a mental health professional or therapist

          Understand that narcissistic rage has nothing to do with you. Narcissism is a mental illness and a spectrum disorder caused by events that you did not influence. You didn’t cause the narcissism, you can’t control it, and you can’t cure it. You can ONLY control how you respond to it.



          Could you be feeling the effects of Narcissism Awareness Grief? Download the free chapter to find out:

          EXPERIENCING NARCISSISM AWARENESS GRIEF

          from Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism



          Tools for Healing

          Understand the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle

          Learn about Narcissism Awareness Grief

          Learn to set boundaries

          Learn about dysfunctional family roles

          Find out what trauma does to your brain

          Learn about codependency and other maladaptive coping skills

          Understand Cognitive Dissonance

          Take the Adverse Childhood Experiences Quiz

          More Resources You May Like:

          Visit the TOXIC UNDO for More Healing

          Join the Free Email Survival Course:

          Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.

          Private Facebook group included for members only.

          Register Here!
          Free 8-week email Survival Course

            I respect your privacy. Unsubscribe at anytime.

            Get the TOOLBOX APP

            for instant information, support, and validation!

            Toolbox-App-on-Website-2 The Nature Of Narcissistic Rage: Understanding Outbursts And Grudges
            GOOGLEPLAY-EMBLEM The Nature Of Narcissistic Rage: Understanding Outbursts And Grudges
            app-store-logo The Nature Of Narcissistic Rage: Understanding Outbursts And Grudges

            2-1024x1024 The Nature Of Narcissistic Rage: Understanding Outbursts And Grudges

            I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self, Workbook and Journal, by Diane Metcalf

            Experience the power of self-affirmation: using positive statements to improve well-being and performance. Learn research-based steps to write the most effective affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things.

            Get it Here:

            Author’s Site: Free Shipping
            Barnes and Noble
            Amazon
            Browse the Positivity Shop

            Get the TOOLBOX posts twice monthly in your inbox!

            Sign-up for twice monthly coping and healing strategies right to your inbox!
            ​
            ​
            Your Free Gift:
            An Inner Child Guided Healing Meditation MP3

              We respect your privacy. Unsubscribe at anytime.

              3D-3-book-series The Nature Of Narcissistic Rage: Understanding Outbursts And Grudges

              About the Author

              Facetune_06-05-2021-18-24-57-150x150 The Nature Of Narcissistic Rage: Understanding Outbursts And Grudges

              As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping and healing strategies. She happily shares those with those who want to learn and grow in their own recovery journies. 

              Diane is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer on narcissism, family dysfunction, and abuse. She draws from her personal childhood experiences, as well as her work in human service fields like domestic violence and partner abuse. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.

              Her transformational books about healing and moving forward include the highly praised “Lemon Moms” series. This emotionally supportive collection explains narcissistic traits and teaches how to reconcile past hurts to begin self-nurturing, healing, and moving forward.

              See what’s new on DianeMetcalf.com

              Learn about the Lemon Moms series: Lemon Moms

              This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

              Read more

              Please share!

              Reading time: 9 min
              Boundaries•Self Care•Trauma

              How to Recognize Hurtful, Unsupportive and Non-nurturing People

              Love shouldn't hurt
              June 3, 2022 by Diane M. Metcalf, MS No Comments

              When it comes to healing from any kind of abuse, or mistreatment, The Toolbox recognizes the importance of identifying unhelpful thoughts and behaviors, and then replacing them with healthy ones. The writing here also stresses empowerment: by setting personal boundaries, finding our authentic selves, speaking our truths, nurturing our inner children, and by affirming and validating ourselves. Here, the connection is made clear between gaslighting, codependency, trauma bonds, C-PTSD, attachment styles, and our future health, well-being, and relationships.

              Identifying those individuals who would interrupt, reverse, or stall our healing process is a necessary part of that ongoing recovery journey.

              Quick Document Links:

              • Identifying toxic people is an essential step in healing from any kind of abuse or mistreatment
              • “Paying attention to their words” means:
              • “Paying attention to your emotions” means checking in with your feelings:
              • “Paying attention to their behavior” means you need to:
              • More Tools

              Identifying toxic people is an essential step in healing from any kind of abuse or mistreatment

              As you begin recovering from the effects of gaslighting, codependency, cognitive dissonance, trauma bonding, betrayal, or C-PTSD, your self-care organically becomes more important. As part of your everyday self-care, it’s crucial to know how to recognize toxic or dangerous individuals (and limit your exposure to them by using boundaries.) This is an ongoing way to take care of and protect yourself from further trauma or victimization.

              The WEB Method is a “quick and easy way to identify potentially dangerous people.” WEB stands for words, emotions, and behavior. The method was developed by a licensed social worker, Bill Eddy. According to Eddy, there are three things to examine to find out if there’s a chance someone may be unsafe:

              The WEB method requires you to pay attention to:

              1. the WORDS the individual uses
              2. YOUR emotions (How do you feel when around this person: On high alert? Unsafe? Unsure? Hesitant? Confused? Embarrassed? Afraid? Etc.)
              3. THEIR behavior (How do they act: Arrogant? Blaming? Shaming? Critical? Cruel? Lacking empathy? Unstable? Risk-taking? Etc.) (Eddy 2018).

              “Paying attention to their words” means:

              • Noticing if they use either extremely positive or extremely negative words to describe you or others. This indicates black and white thinking, a trait of narcissists, and those who have personality disorders, including psychopaths.
              • Looking for words that indicate a lack of emotional empathy or lack of interest or disregard for others. Again, narcissistic traits, as well as those with borderline personality disorder, sociopaths, and psychopaths.
              • Spotting words that indicate that they see themselves as a victim or that they think they’ve been duped, targeted, or wounded. These are traits of narcissists as well as individuals who blame, make excuses, shirk responsibility, harbor resentment, and use negative self-talk.

              You’ve made a lot of progress and come too far to let yourself get involved with a shaming, blaming, “poor me.”

              Notice if they virtue signal. Virtue signaling is the not-so-humble declaration of one’s morals and values. “I’m generous,” “I’m extremely open-minded,” “I’m a good person.” These could be examples of words not matching actions. When someone wants others to believe what they say about themselves, it’s a type of gaslighting. Most of us don’t need to talk about or convince others of our good qualities. When a person possesses admirable character and integrity, they don’t need to announce or advertise it. They simply live it, and people notice.

              “Paying attention to your emotions” means checking in with your feelings:

              • How do you feel when you’re around this person? Confused? Emotionally Drained? Hurt? Defeated? Exhausted? Misunderstood? Stupid? Inadequate? Bullied? Sick? Mocked? Belittled? Humiliated? Why do you think you feel this way? What is your body trying to tell you?
              • Do they seem too good to be true? “Charm” is considered to be a warning sign. People who intensely or endlessly flatter, praise, or compliment are often manipulative. Pouring on the charm may indicate that they’re a deceptive or controlling person. Keep monitoring.
              • Do you feel like you can’t catch your breath or you can’t think straight when you’re around them? Psychopaths, sociopaths, borderlines, and narcissists can overwhelm others with their posturing and self-directed focus. They dominate conversations, don’t allow differences of opinion, and keep the focus on themselves. Conversations often feel like debates, and it’s usually hard to change the subject, or disengage, because they simply won’t’ allow it. When you’re in a discussion with a narcissist, you’ll feel unheard, misunderstood, or dismissed, and you’ll likely be mocked, or ridiculed if you challenge or disagree with them.
              shark-1-300x169 How to Recognize Hurtful, Unsupportive and Non-nurturing People

              “Paying attention to their behavior” means you need to:

              • Focus on their actions. Dangerous, toxic, and mentally ill people including narcissists are often defensive and will verbally or even physically attack those who criticize or appear to challenge them. Notice how they treat others. Do they humiliate or shame others? Do they embarrass you or cause you to want to apologize for their behavior?
              • Notice their dismissal, disregard, or indifference of yourself or others. Do they interrupt you? Talk over you? Scorn, laugh at, or minimize your point of view? Is the message that what they say or do is more important than anybody else? These indicate an ego-centered worldview. Not good.
              • Notice if they blame others for their own mistakes or poor choices. Narcissists and “poor-me’s” are famous for being big blamers. They shirk responsibility and don’t learn from their mistakes. Nothing is ever their fault. They don’t make mistakes!
              • Notice if they encourage others to admire them. Do they seek attention, compliments, praise, or admiration? These are all forms of narcissistic supply, indicating that you may have a narcissist on your hands.

              Could you be feeling the effects of Narcissism Awareness Grief? Download the free chapter to find out:

              EXPERIENCING NARCISSISM AWARENESS GRIEF

              from Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism


              Healing from abuse, betrayal or mistreatment is a complex, energy-consuming, and often painful undertaking. It requires commitment, patience, and time. It means doing the hard work and taking excellent self-care. Protecting ourselves from those who would hurt, take advantage, manipulate, or interrupt, (reverse, or stall) our progress, is part of that process.

              All the best-

              More Tools

              Start using positive detachment

              Learn to set boundaries

              Learn about dysfunctional family roles

              Find out what trauma does to your brain

              Learn about codependency and other maladaptive coping skills

              Understand the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle

              Learn about Narcissism Awareness Grief

              More Resources You May Like:

              Visit the TOXIC UNDO for More Healing

              Join the Free Email Survival Course:

              Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.

              Private Facebook group included for members only.

              Register Here!
              Free 8-week email Survival Course

                I respect your privacy. Unsubscribe at anytime.

                Get the TOOLBOX APP

                for instant information, support, and validation!

                Toolbox-App-on-Website-2 How to Recognize Hurtful, Unsupportive and Non-nurturing People
                GOOGLEPLAY-EMBLEM How to Recognize Hurtful, Unsupportive and Non-nurturing People
                app-store-logo How to Recognize Hurtful, Unsupportive and Non-nurturing People

                2-1024x1024 How to Recognize Hurtful, Unsupportive and Non-nurturing People

                I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self, Workbook and Journal, by Diane Metcalf

                Experience the power of self-affirmation: using positive statements to improve well-being and performance. Learn research-based steps to write the most effective affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things.

                Get it Here:

                Author’s Site: Free Shipping
                Barnes and Noble
                Amazon
                Browse the Positivity Shop

                Get the TOOLBOX posts twice monthly in your inbox!

                Sign-up for twice monthly coping and healing strategies right to your inbox!
                ​
                ​
                Your Free Gift:
                An Inner Child Guided Healing Meditation MP3

                  We respect your privacy. Unsubscribe at anytime.

                  3D-3-book-series How to Recognize Hurtful, Unsupportive and Non-nurturing People

                  About the Author

                  Facetune_06-05-2021-18-24-57-150x150 How to Recognize Hurtful, Unsupportive and Non-nurturing People

                  As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping and healing strategies. She happily shares those with those who want to learn and grow in their own recovery journies. 

                  Diane is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer on narcissism, family dysfunction, and abuse. She draws from her personal childhood experiences, as well as her work in human service fields like domestic violence and partner abuse. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.

                  Her transformational books about healing and moving forward include the highly praised “Lemon Moms” series. This emotionally supportive collection explains narcissistic traits and teaches how to reconcile past hurts to begin self-nurturing, healing, and moving forward.

                  See what’s new on DianeMetcalf.com

                  Learn about the Lemon Moms series: Lemon Moms

                  This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

                  Read more

                  Please share!

                  Reading time: 5 min
                  C-PTSD•Cognitive Dissonance•Gaslighting

                  Understanding Cognitive Dissonance

                  cognitive dissonance and gaslighting
                  April 4, 2022 by Diane M. Metcalf, MS No Comments

                  Cognitive dissonance is a type of mental stress that results from struggling to correct that surreal feeling between what we know to be real, and what we are told is real. It is the component of gaslighting that is the biggest cause of C-PTSD. Cognitive dissonance is the confusion and mental discomfort you experience when you live with contradictory beliefs, ideas, or values. It indicates a state of living with continually opposing or conflicting viewpoints, beliefs, or behaviors. It’s usually the result of manipulation, and specifically of gaslighting. To restore emotional balance, the affected person must change (or remove) the inconsistencies and conflicts. Most of us do this on an ongoing basis, without conscious awareness.​

                  Quick Document Links:

                  • Cognitive dissonance has a dark side, and it’s harmful
                  • Self gaslighting
                  • How cognitive dissonance is resolved
                  • Tools for Healing

                  If you grew up in a narcissistic home you’ve probably experienced cognitive dissonance and have felt the resulting and ongoing confusion. Human beings weren’t meant to continually live in a state of confusion. Not knowing what to believe, what to expect, and not being able to trust our feelings, judgment, or senses is overwhelming and painful. Our natural state of “being” requires that our thoughts and interactions make sense because we need stability and security to be emotionally healthy and balanced. When we feel doubtful of our reality, or are so fearful of making a decision that we’re emotionally paralyzed, it may be the result of cognitive dissonance.

                  Although it doesn’t sound like it, some types of cognitive dissonance can be healthy. For example, guilt is a positive and healthy form of cognitive dissonance. Guilt allows us to see the discrepancy between “this is who I say I am, but this is what I did.” We feel guilty when “who we are” and “what we did” are not aligned. This misalignment causes us to feel empathy for the person we wronged. For example, if I believe I’m a gentle, kind, and loving person, and I make a cruel remark to someone, my perception of “who I am” no longer matches “what I did.” A gentle, kind, and loving person would not say mean things. I would be motivated by guilt to apologize to the person I hurt. The cognitive dissonance provided by our guilt drives us to atone for our actions, which is a positive thing.

                  Cognitive dissonance has a dark side, and it’s harmful

                  When we’re gaslighted regularly, our level of cognitive dissonance grows, and the more out-of-touch we feel. We’re unsure of what’s real and what’s not, what’s true and what’s not, and we don’t know whether to believe our senses or only to accept what we’re told.​

                  We all tell ourselves stories. It’s how we make sense of ourselves and our world. Our egos translate our experiences so that they make sense, but doing so while in a state of cognitive dissonance can keep us stuck. To get unstuck, we might choose to accept the best explanation that we can come up with, regardless of whether it’s accurate.​​​​For example, think about the possible explanations that a six-year-old might create, versus a twenty-year-old or a thirty-five-year-old. Youth and immaturity work against us when we’re gaslighted as kids. We’re not experienced or knowledgeable enough to imagine plausible and realistic explanations. At ten, if my best friend doesn’t reach out, I might think it’s because she doesn’t like me anymore. But at thirty, if I haven’t heard from my friend, I might think it’s because she’s busy with life, working, prioritizing self-care, etc. I can choose any number of explanations, and they’ll align with my current self-concept. 

                  Now, if I formed the belief in childhood that I’m unlovable, and I carried that belief with me into adulthood, my interpretation of others’ behavior will reflect that belief. If I have strong self-esteem, then my interpretation will reflect that. We interpret our reality using these emotional “filters.” It’s important to remember this because our filters can and do change. Our perceptions and interpretations also continually change and develop as we mature physically, intellectually, socially, spiritually, and emotionally.

                  Remember that “beliefs” are thoughts that have emotions attached to them. Eliminating inaccurate beliefs is a primary key to healing. What thoughts and feelings are still connected to your childhood beliefs? For example, if you were told as a child that you were not smart, then as an adult you may still believe it. You may never have examined that belief to determine if it was really true. Instead, you probably accepted and internalized it as truth and took it with you into adulthood. Now as an adult, you can examine it objectively. Make a list of the feelings, thoughts, and actions that come with that belief and write about them at length. Is the belief still relevant today? Why or why not? Explain. It’s helpful to learn about therapeutic approaches like Tapping (Emotional Freedom Technique,) Neurolinguistic Programming, and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy which can eliminate faulty beliefs and help create healthy new ones. Take time to investigate other methods of changing beliefs. We acquired our beliefs as children. As adults, we get to replace them with ones that serve us.

                  gaslighting-150x150 Understanding Cognitive Dissonance

                  Cognitive dissonance is one of the most challenging aspects of healing. Because of gaslighting, we’ve learned to disregard or mistrust our perceptions, judgment, and memory. We may have learned to trust and accept someone else’s interpretation of the world and events and we may now rely on their interpretations, judgment, and perceptions instead of our own.

                  When you were gaslighted as a child, you probably also received unexpected or inappropriate responses. Your response to the gaslighting may have been determined to be incorrect, unreasonable, or shameful. You may have wondered why you received strange looks causing you to question your actions and words. Now, as an adult, you may be fearful for your mental health, and you’re concerned that you may be losing your mind. You may accept that you’re the illogical one or that you’re mentally ill. Gaslighting often leads to depression, anxiety, helplessness, hopelessness, or exhaustion. If it’s severe, you may feel like your sense of self is “fuzzy” and “reality” feels dreamlike. You probably can’t think clearly and have trouble with problem-solving and making decisions. This is more cognitive dissonance as a result of gaslighting.

                  I’d often get confused, stressed, and frustrated when my mother denied doing or saying something I’d witnessed. I’d ask, “You’re saying that I didn’t see what I know I just saw?” And she’d reply in an exasperated or dismayed tone of voice, “You dreamt it,” “You imagined it,” or “So-and-so did that, not me.” It shouldn’t surprise you that I grew up to continue that tradition. I excelled at self-gaslighting. When you convince yourself that you didn’t just hear what you know you heard or that you didn’t just see what you know you saw….you are self-gaslighting. We do it to protect ourselves from further trauma.

                  Self gaslighting

                  For those of us who’ve experienced gaslighting as children, it likely caused harmful cognitive dissonance and reduced us into confused, uncertain, dependent shadows of our true selves. It robbed us of our ability to think logically, make decisions easily, use sound judgment, and recall accurately. Instead, we doubt ourselves, always second-guessing our thoughts, emotions, and decisions. I believe that gaslighting is the most harmful and destructive form of manipulation because it undermines our whole sense of self and crumbles our stability.

                  Self-gaslighting also contributes to cognitive dissonance. When we tell ourselves that someone’s actions or behavior was our fault, we’re self-gaslighting. We may convince ourselves that we somehow provoked their hurtful behavior, or we take responsibility for the things they did to hurt us. When we self-gaslight, we not only accept blame, we intentionally place it on ourselves. We lie to ourselves and then spend precious emotional energy, convincing ourselves that we’re not. It’s exhausting. Throughout your healing process, remind yourself not to do that anymore. Be honest with yourself now. Stand up for yourself and become your own advocate. If you won’t, then who will? Tell yourself the truth and stop accepting gaslighting from anybody, including yourself, period. Practice mindfulness to become aware that you’re doing it and stop every time.

                  Humans have a natural need for their attitudes, beliefs, and behaviors to co-exist peacefully with each other. This is called “cognitive consistency.” Living in a state of cognitive consistency means that we feel stable, relaxed, and secure. For example, if I believe I’m an honest person, and I act accordingly, it means I’ll tell the truth even when it’s uncomfortable or it gets me into trouble. Doing so means I’ll maintain my integrity and my cognitive consistency.

                  How cognitive dissonance is resolved

                  Most of us consciously or unconsciously resolve cognitive dissonance by doing one of these three things:

                  1. Change our thoughts: Choosing this option means you change your thoughts and beliefs to match those of your narcissistic mom. For example, you accept your mother’s perspective that you lack common sense, rather than continue believing that you have sound judgment. Now you agree with your mother, which eliminates the emotional conflict and cognitive dissonance.
                  2. Change our actions: With this approach, you change your behavior, so it matches your beliefs about yourself. Using the above example, you find ways to demonstrate that you actually have sound judgment and common sense. Your actions now match your mindset, eliminating the emotional conflict and cognitive dissonance.
                  3. Justify our perceptions: You really do lack common sense and sound judgment, and you rationalize this by minimizing their value and significance. In essence, you trivialize your lack of common sense and sound judgment to eliminate the emotional conflict and cognitive dissonance.

                  Resolving cognitive dissonance isn’t always done on a conscious level, although we may be aware that we have choices to make. At some point, we’ll use one of the three methods to keep our sanity intact.

                  Eliminating cognitive dissonance isn’t a “one-and-done” thing. Typically, and speaking from my own experience, we play around with the three possibilities for resolution, trying them on and seeing how they fit and feel. Eventually, we settle on one that suits us best and causes us the least mental and emotional stress.

                  Because my mother liked to overwrite my perceptions and memories with her own, I heard a lot of, “I never said that,” “You imagined it,” “You dreamt it,” or “It wasn’t me.” I was in a continual state of self-doubt and confusion from her insistence that I perceived and remembered events inaccurately. My ability to make decisions and to trust my own senses was severely negatively impacted. I eventually came to believe that the discrepancies between my own observations and those of my mother were flaws in my memory and perception. I became obsessed with explaining the disparities between what I observed and what I was told I observed. I remained in a state of cognitive dissonance throughout my childhood. If you can relate, I urge you to start your healing journey now and recover from the resulting cognitive dissonance.

                  Tools for Healing

                  Conscious awareness: Be aware and make conscious choices before acting. Self-awareness releases us from making impulsive and potentially damaging decisions.

                  Self-care: We can only choose to focus on and be responsible for ourselves, our own thoughts, actions, and behavior. The good news is that we can change ourselves with patience, persistence, and practice. We can take responsibility for getting our needs met instead of waiting for someone to change or meet our needs for us. We are in control of ourselves, and no one is responsible for us but us.

                  Practice mindfulness

                  Learn about codependency

                  Take the Adverse Childhood Experiences quiz

                  Learn about Narcissism Awareness Grief

                  Understand the Abuse Cycle

                  Learn about letting go of what you can’t control by using positive detachment

                  Learn about expectations

                  Learn about setting boundaries

                  More Resources You May Like:

                  Visit the TOXIC UNDO for More Healing

                  Join the Free Email Survival Course:

                  Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.

                  Private Facebook group included for members only.

                  Register Here!
                  Free 8-week email Survival Course

                    I respect your privacy. Unsubscribe at anytime.

                    Get the TOOLBOX APP

                    for instant information, support, and validation!

                    Toolbox-App-on-Website-2 Understanding Cognitive Dissonance
                    GOOGLEPLAY-EMBLEM Understanding Cognitive Dissonance
                    app-store-logo Understanding Cognitive Dissonance

                    2-1024x1024 Understanding Cognitive Dissonance

                    I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self, Workbook and Journal, by Diane Metcalf

                    Experience the power of self-affirmation: using positive statements to improve well-being and performance. Learn research-based steps to write the most effective affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things.

                    Get it Here:

                    Author’s Site: Free Shipping
                    Barnes and Noble
                    Amazon
                    Browse the Positivity Shop

                    Get the TOOLBOX posts twice monthly in your inbox!

                    Sign-up for twice monthly coping and healing strategies right to your inbox!
                    ​
                    ​
                    Your Free Gift:
                    An Inner Child Guided Healing Meditation MP3

                      We respect your privacy. Unsubscribe at anytime.

                      3D-3-book-series Understanding Cognitive Dissonance

                      About the Author

                      Facetune_06-05-2021-18-24-57-150x150 Understanding Cognitive Dissonance

                      As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping and healing strategies. She happily shares those with those who want to learn and grow in their own recovery journies. 

                      Diane is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer on narcissism, family dysfunction, and abuse. She draws from her personal childhood experiences, as well as her work in human service fields like domestic violence and partner abuse. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.

                      Her transformational books about healing and moving forward include the highly praised “Lemon Moms” series. This emotionally supportive collection explains narcissistic traits and teaches how to reconcile past hurts to begin self-nurturing, healing, and moving forward.

                      See what’s new on DianeMetcalf.com

                      Learn about the Lemon Moms series: Lemon Moms

                      This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

                      Read more

                      Please share!

                      Reading time: 10 min
                      Boundaries•Healing Affirmations•Self Care•Trauma

                      How to Start Moving Forward

                      I will not
                      December 31, 2021 by Diane M. Metcalf, MS No Comments

                      It feels like everywhere I look, there are articles and posts about manifesting a better future by using the “Law of Attraction.”

                      The Law of Attraction suggests that thinking positive thoughts can bring about positive effects and that holding negative thoughts can bring adverse outcomes. This law is based on the belief that thoughts are a form of energy, so positive thoughts attract positive energy and vice versa.

                      Humans are energy fields, and every human body is made of energy-producing particles in constant motion. So, everything in existence, including us humans, vibrates at particular frequencies and creates energy. (Srinivasan 2010.)

                      Quick document links

                      • Affirmations and the Law of Attraction
                      • Let’s Get High
                      • Mindfulness
                      • Thoughts Become Things
                      • Tools for healing

                      There’s growing evidence that our body’s own electrical and magnetic energy can stimulate chemical processes that influence our health and well-being. “Vibrational medicine,” also called energy medicine, strives to use the energy generated by and around a person’s body to optimize their health. So, the Law of Attraction is backed by science.

                      Affirmations and the Law of Attraction

                      Affirmations are positive statements made in the present tense that impact our conscious and subconscious minds. By saying them regularly, we can raise our vibrational frequency. The Law of Attraction states that “like attracts like.” Therefore, when you begin vibrating in a higher, more positive frequency, you will start attracting higher-vibrational people and opportunities into your life.

                      Positive affirmations are a “self-talk approach” for creating a positive, motivating outlook on life while becoming your authentic self. We are more easily able to connect with our authentic selves when our vibrations are high. Unfortunately, unhealthy, unsupportive inner dialogue can remain our default mode when we are not vibrating highly.

                      But what is a vibration? How do you know if you are vibrating highly or not? Well, everything has a vibrational frequency. Quantum physics can illustrate this, but all that’s really required is remembering the basics.

                      Remember learning about atoms and molecules in school? Atoms and molecules come together to create matter as solids, liquids, or gases. Atoms, the smallest indivisible units of matter, are made of energy and are constantly vibrating. Since atoms are made of vibrating energy, and all matter is made of atoms, all matter is made of energy, and all matter is vibrating. You don’t have to see vibrations to know they’re there. Have you ever walked into a room and felt its vibe? If you have, you’ve intuitively sensed whether the people in the room were getting along, were uncomfortable, excited, sad, or happy. When you walk into a room, and it “feels” a certain way, you’ve picked up on its vibration. And when you meet a person and immediately feel connected, it’s because you are most likely vibrating similarly!

                      Our vibrations are continually changing, shifting with our moods, health, and according to the energy that surrounds us.

                      We can choose whether we would like to vibrate higher or lower than our current state of being. When you vibrate at a lower frequency, it feels heavy, and when you’re vibrating at a higher frequency, you feel lighter, at ease, happy, and at peace. Vibrating at a higher frequency feels good! Focusing on that which brings us joy and happiness raises our vibrational frequency, and when we get ourselves into a higher vibration, we let go of that which no longer serves us.

                      When you begin releasing everything that weighs you down to maintain a higher frequency or vibration, you will experience more positive emotions. Feeling good will be your default state of being.

                      To help you better understand how your feelings vibrate, Abraham-Hicks has created the “emotional guidance scale” below. The feelings listed are ranked from highest to lowest vibrating. They give an idea of how you might be vibrating at any given time:

                      • Joy/apprehension/empowerment/freedom/love
                      • Passion
                      • Enthusiasm/eagerness/happiness
                      • Positive expectations/belief
                      • Optimism
                      • Hopefulness
                      • Contentment
                      • Boredom
                      • Pessimism
                      • Frustration/irritation/impatience
                      • Overwhelm
                      • Disappointment
                      • Doubt
                      • Worry
                      • Blame
                      • Discouragement
                      • Anger
                      • Revenge
                      • Hatred/rage
                      • Jealousy
                      • Insecurity/guilt/unworthiness
                      • Fear/grief/depression/despair/powerlessness

                      Affirmations raise your vibration when you’re stuck in a low vibrational pattern like fear, worry, anxiety, doubt, and powerlessness. They are a powerful tool for manifesting change and lifting your attitude at the same time. Speaking positive affirmations is one of the quickest ways to raise your vibration!

                      As you continue to use affirmations, your vibration will increase, and you’ll notice that you feel happier and more peaceful.  You’ll begin to attain your goals, fulfill your desires, and attract the people and experiences you want.

                      blog-sunrise-300x168 How to Start Moving Forward

                      Let’s Get High

                      When we hold highly vibrating thoughts, feelings and behaviors, we naturally start to vibrate accordingly. When we vibrate at a higher frequency, we feel a sense of peace and connectedness to everything. We worry less because we’re confident, knowing everything in life is as it should be, and getting better in every way.

                      By speaking affirmations every day, you’ll become consciously aware of your thoughts, attitudes, choices, and behaviors. You’ll notice where changes are happening and where changes still need to happen. You’ll feel more positive energy, and you’ll attract more positivity in the form of people and opportunities.

                      Additional benefits:

                      Mindfulness

                      When implementing any change, you must be aware of the change you want to make throughout the day, every day, for it to be successful. You must intentionally commit to making the change every day.

                      What do you want to change about yourself? Do you have personality traits or characteristics that you don’t like, criticize, judge, or loathe? Maybe you have habits or perceived shortcomings that you’d like to give up?  Is there an aspect of your life that you want to develop? Your answers to questions like these can give you ideas about the kinds of positive affirmations that you can create.

                      Thoughts Become Things

                      When we hold low vibrational thoughts and beliefs, we lower our vibration, inevitably hampering our affirmation’s likelihood of success. This is because our subconscious minds accept any repeated declaration as truth, even when these affirmations are negative. Be aware of your negative thoughts.

                      We use affirmations to change the way we think about ourselves. Affirmations remind us of our highest potential, and our vibrational frequency must increase to match that potential. You must raise your vibration to align with your goals when you’re manifesting your best life.

                      We know that affirmations are more likely to work when they vibrate highly. That’s because highly vibrating affirmations attract what we’ve always wanted but believed we couldn’t have. If your affirmations don’t vibrate highly, rewrite them.

                      When you’ve learned how to write and use affirmations correctly, you will start manifesting your goals. As your vibration increases, you’ll become aware of your daily thoughts and practices, and you’ll begin living in alignment with the life you’re trying to create.

                      As you write and speak your affirmations, focus on gratitude, love (including self-love), optimism, and spiritual guidance. This practice will further increase your vibrational frequency.

                      After you write an affirmation, take a look at it, say it, and see how it feels. It should vibrate highly. Keep working on it until it does.

                      To achieve the life you want, you will need to write robust, highly vibrating affirmations and believe these declarations to be already true. If you don’t write your affirmations correctly, saying them can be an absolute waste of time. Find out more about how to write affirmations that work in Lemon Moms Life-Altering Affirmations: Change your self-talk, change yourSELF.

                      Tools for healing

                      Learn about dysfunctional family roles

                      Learn about codependency 

                      Learn coping skills for the holidays and family visits

                      Learn why what you tell yourself matters

                      Learn why verbal abuse hurts us

                      Learn how to protect yourself with boundaries 

                      Learn about the narcissistic abuse cycle

                      Learn about Narcissism Awareness Grief

                      More Resources You May Like:

                      Visit the TOXIC UNDO for More Healing

                      Join the Free Email Survival Course:

                      Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.

                      Private Facebook group included for members only.

                      Register Here!
                      Free 8-week email Survival Course

                        I respect your privacy. Unsubscribe at anytime.

                        Get the TOOLBOX APP

                        for instant information, support, and validation!

                        Toolbox-App-on-Website-2 How to Start Moving Forward
                        GOOGLEPLAY-EMBLEM How to Start Moving Forward
                        app-store-logo How to Start Moving Forward

                        2-1024x1024 How to Start Moving Forward

                        I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self, Workbook and Journal, by Diane Metcalf

                        Experience the power of self-affirmation: using positive statements to improve well-being and performance. Learn research-based steps to write the most effective affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things.

                        Get it Here:

                        Author’s Site: Free Shipping
                        Barnes and Noble
                        Amazon
                        Browse the Positivity Shop

                        Get the TOOLBOX posts twice monthly in your inbox!

                        Sign-up for twice monthly coping and healing strategies right to your inbox!
                        ​
                        ​
                        Your Free Gift:
                        An Inner Child Guided Healing Meditation MP3

                          We respect your privacy. Unsubscribe at anytime.

                          3D-3-book-series How to Start Moving Forward

                          About the Author

                          Facetune_06-05-2021-18-24-57-150x150 How to Start Moving Forward

                          As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping and healing strategies. She happily shares those with those who want to learn and grow in their own recovery journies. 

                          Diane is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer on narcissism, family dysfunction, and abuse. She draws from her personal childhood experiences, as well as her work in human service fields like domestic violence and partner abuse. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.

                          Her transformational books about healing and moving forward include the highly praised “Lemon Moms” series. This emotionally supportive collection explains narcissistic traits and teaches how to reconcile past hurts to begin self-nurturing, healing, and moving forward.

                          See what’s new on DianeMetcalf.com

                          Learn about the Lemon Moms series: Lemon Moms

                          This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

                          Read more

                          Please share!

                          Reading time: 6 min
                          Page 1 of 3123»
                          Would You Like to Help Support the Toolbox?

                          Tip Jar
                          Do You Have Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome?

                          FIND OUT HERE

                          Coming 2023

                          Topic: How to identify toxic, unsupportive, narcissistic, and non-nurturing people, and what to do if you’re in a relationship with one.

                          Sign up for exclusive access to progress, info, contests, surveys, and the launch team,
                          and be among the first notified when the book is available! (Title and cover subject to change.)

                          Join the Waitlist

                          Recent Posts

                          • Reclaiming Our Power: Moving Beyond Victimhood After Relational Trauma
                          • Lack of Empathy: A Big Red Flag
                          • Starting Fresh Requires Looking Back
                          • Does Your Self-talk Need a Makeover?
                          • Breaking Free from Shame: Overcoming the Lies of Narcissistic Trauma Bonding

                          Older Posts

                          • March 2023
                          • February 2023
                          • January 2023
                          • December 2022
                          • November 2022
                          • October 2022
                          • September 2022
                          • August 2022
                          • July 2022
                          • June 2022
                          • May 2022
                          • April 2022
                          • March 2022
                          • February 2022
                          • January 2022
                          • December 2021
                          • November 2021
                          • October 2021
                          • September 2021
                          • August 2021
                          • July 2021
                          • June 2021
                          • May 2021
                          • April 2021
                          • March 2021
                          • February 2021
                          • January 2021
                          • December 2020
                          • November 2020
                          • October 2020
                          • September 2020
                          • August 2020
                          • July 2020
                          • June 2020
                          • May 2020
                          • April 2020
                          • March 2020
                          • February 2020
                          • January 2020
                          • December 2019
                          • November 2019
                          • October 2019
                          • September 2019
                          • August 2019
                          • July 2019
                          • June 2019
                          • May 2019
                          • April 2019
                          • March 2019
                          • February 2019
                          • January 2019

                          Categories

                          • Anger
                          • Books
                          • Boundaries
                          • C-PTSD
                          • Codependency
                          • Cognitive Dissonance
                          • Detaching
                          • Gaslighting
                          • Healing Affirmations
                          • Isolation
                          • Narcissism
                          • Resources
                          • Scapegoating
                          • Self Care
                          • Self-talk
                          • Shame
                          • Trauma
                          • Well-being

                          © 2023 DianeMetcalf.com | All Rights Reserved 
                           

                           

                          We use cookies to improve your experience. We'll assume you're ok with this, but you can opt-out if you wish. Cookie settingsI'd love some cookies!
                          Privacy & Cookies Policy

                          Privacy Overview

                          This website uses cookies to improve your experience while you navigate through the website. Out of these cookies, the cookies that are categorized as necessary are stored on your browser as they are as essential for the working of basic functionalities of the website. We also use third-party cookies that help us analyze and understand how you use this website. These cookies will be stored in your browser only with your consent. You also have the option to opt-out of these cookies. But opting out of some of these cookies may have an effect on your browsing experience.
                          Necessary
                          Always Enabled
                          Necessary cookies are absolutely essential for the website to function properly. This category only includes cookies that ensures basic functionalities and security features of the website. These cookies do not store any personal information.
                          SAVE & ACCEPT