Negative and Unsupportive

In talking about affirmations, you might be more familiar with the negative types; those hurtful, unkind, and destructive things we tell ourselves. They are unsupportive inner dialogues that run in the background of our thoughts. We hear them as that little voice that whispers, “you’re too fat to be wearing that,” or “none of these people care about what you think,” or “you’re not smart enough to do that.” Those negative affirmations can do a lot of harm to our self-confidence and self-esteem. It’s time to replace them. Let’s kick the negativity out altogether. When we’re on a path of self-discovery, recovery, and moving forward, negative self-talk has no place in our lives.

If we grew up surrounded by dysfunction, especially in a narcissistic home, we got the message that we couldn’t do anything right, weren’t good enough, or didn’t matter. If we had a narcissistic mother, her words and behavior cut us deeply, like emotional knives. And long after we left home, that cruel, critical, internalized voice stayed with us.

We may try convincing ourselves that we’re over-reacting, that no harm was done, or that those painful memories we keep experiencing never really happened (self-gaslighting.) However, denying the reality of a painful childhood and allowing emotional wounds to remain unhealed leaves us unprepared for life’s challenges as adults. Our unhealed triggers and wounded inner child can keep us stuck perceiving, feeling, and responding like frightened children.

Two Powerful Words

Positive, healing affirmations remind us of who we are when we are living as our authentic selves. Affirmations remind us of who we are when we are living as our true selves. By following our intuition, and writing and speaking positive affirmations, we begin to honor and eventually become our authentic selves and create our best lives possible. We become our best ”I Am.”

Affirmations are designed to promote an optimistic mindset; they have been shown to reduce the tendency to dwell on negative experiences (Wiesenfeld et al., 2001.) Optimism is powerful! When we replace negative thoughts with positive ones, we create a whole new mindset and perspective about “who we are” and what we can accomplish.

The Work

Using strong positive affirmations helps with boundary setting, feeling safe, improving self-trust and self-esteem, increasing self-confidence and personal empowerment, and healing C-PTSD symptoms.

Positive Affirmations vs. Codependency

Positive affirmations are the opposite of codependency. By speaking positive affirmations, we are reminded that we are powerful, that we matter, that we are worthy and that we already have the answers we seek. When we stand in this truth, our truth, we feel this. We know this.

If we don’t frequently remind ourselves of who we are as our best selves we can easily slip into living on others’ terms and lose our identities. We can quickly become other-focused and work to become what someone else wants us to be. This loss of self is at the core of codependency, (aka enabling and people-pleasing.)

I’ve heard it said that “damnation is the discontinuation of growth and development.” We may not know where we’re going, but let’s not go back to where we’ve been. Instead, keep growing, keep learning, keep moving forward, keep healing. Learn to trust the ebb and flow of life and, most importantly, in yourself.

Here are some healing affirmations from my book, Lemon Moms Life-altering Affirmations: Change Your Self-talk, Change YourSELF. They were specifically written for those who are in a relationship with someone who has narcissistic traits, but they can be useful to anyone who needs them. Many of them help diminish codependent thinking and behaving.

These affirmations will help if you’re: healing from narcissistic or abusive interactions, progressing through Narcissism Awareness Grief, experiencing Narcissism Victim Syndrome, at any phase in the cycle of abuse, or living with someone who has distorted thinking or mental illness. Some affirmations are repeated in more than one category because they apply to more than one.

I sincerely wish you healing and peace.

If you’re interested in Lemon Moms Life-Altering Affirmations: Change Your Self-talk, Change YourSELF– it’s sold everywhere, including Audible, Amazon Kindle, Amazon paperback, B&N Nook, B&N paperback, GOOGLE PLAY, APPLE

Healing Affirmations

For Calming Fight or Flight (Affirmations to help deal with hypervigilance)

• I have confidence in myself.
• The past is over. I happily focus on the present moment, feeling empowered.
• I acknowledge and protect my personal power.
• I am safe.
• I hear, affirm, comfort, and validate my inner child.
• I trust my mind.
• I trust my decisions.
• My self-talk is strictly positive.
• I trust my senses of sight, hearing, smell, taste, and touch.
• I am whole.
• I can, and I will.
• I heal more every day.
• I am in control of what I think and how I feel.
• I am a survivor and healed warrior. 
• Today I give myself the freedom to make an error and know that it does not affect my worth as a human being.
• I release old habits and practice new ones.
• I let go of controlling or manipulating others.
• I know and trust my own mind.

For Working Through Narcissism Awareness Grief (Affirmations to help deal with feelings of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, rewriting, acceptance)

• I always mattered, but my mother couldn’t see it or acknowledge it.
• I am in charge. Today’s thoughts create my future.
• I hear, affirm, comfort, and validate my inner child.
• This is stressful, so I take extra good care of myself today.
• I stay in the present and focus on one day at a time.
• I let myself rest without judgment.
• I am kind and gentle with myself.
• Today I honor and cherish my inner child, who was blameless then and now.
• Now is the time to step into my power.
• I am loved, loving and lovable.
• I can do hard things.
• When I have a problem, I focus on solutions.
• I am naturally relaxed and confident.
• I am safe and secure.
• I am emotionally and physically strong.
• I allow peace into my life.
• I effectively communicate my needs and desires.
• I accept that others love the best they can and may be limited in their ability to express love.
• I am centered and focused.
• I am unaffected by the desires of others

To Feel Accepted (Affirmations to help deal with being scapegoated and rejected)

• I use my voice, and I am heard.
• Only I can determine my self-worth.
• I let go of the need for others to validate me.
• I value myself.
• I am human. It’s OK to be imperfect.
• I focus on what I can control, and I release the rest.
• I make healthy choices for myself.
• I ask for help when I am struggling.
• I allow others to live their lives and release the need to worry or control.
• I am stronger than I thought.
• I lean on others for support, and I am lovingly supported.
• I find something for which to be grateful every day.
• I am loving, intelligent, and creative, and I make positive changes in my life.
• I am a survivor and healed warrior. 
• I deserve good things in life.
• My relationships are respectful and peaceful.
• I release old habits and practice new ones.
• I am connected with my authentic self.
• I express myself confidently.
• I hear my intuition and inner wisdom, and I listen.
• I am well and worthy. 
• I know and trust my own mind.
• My boundaries are a form of self-love.
• Only I can determine my self-worth.

To Heal Betrayal Wounds (Affirmations to help deal with narcissistic dishonesty and lies)

• I use my voice, and I am heard.
• I let go of the need for others to validate me.
• Only I can determine my self-worth.
• I listen when my heart talks to me.
• I reaffirm for myself that I am on the right path.
• I happily focus on the present moment, feeling empowered.
• I focus on what I can control, and I release the rest.
• I lean on others for support, and I am lovingly supported.
• I value myself.
• I rely on my higher power for strength and guidance.
• I easily dial-up my confidence anytime I want.
• I acknowledge the things that I like about myself and add to that list regularly.
• I am resilient.
• I am unaffected by other’s negativity.
• I see the good things in myself.
• When I feel overwhelmed, I choose healthy ways to cope.
• I am intelligent and use my mind to make my life better.
• I am a caring person, and people care about me.
• I have strong intuition, and I trust it even if I don’t like what it tells me.
• When I see red flags occurring in people or relationships, I pay attention to them and respond accordingly.
• I ask for clarification when I am confused.

To Heal Shame (Affirmations to help deal with feeling ashamed)

• I am worthy of love, happiness, and fulfillment.
• Only I can determine my self-worth.
• I have everything I need to be successful.
• I am strong and resilient.
• I am complete and whole.
• I embrace change. I am the author of my story.
• I embrace my new life even when it makes others uncomfortable.
• I hear, affirm, comfort, and validate my inner child.
• I allow without judgment.
• I focus on what I can control, and I release the rest.
• Everything is working for my highest good.
• I belong. I know that I am safe.
• I have everything I need. I am safe. I am loved.
• I feel safe wherever I am.
• I give my time and energy to those who deserve it.

Tools for Healing:

Learn why what you tell yourself matters

Learn how to protect yourself with boundaries 

Learn about the narcissistic abuse cycle

Learn about dysfunctional family roles

More Resources You May Like:

I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self

A Workbook and Journal

How to write the highest vibrating, most powerful affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things

Sold worldwide in any bookstore.

Quick links:

Barnes and Noble

Amazon

Walmart

Author Site

Join the Free Email Survival Course:

Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward

from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.

Private Facebook group included for members only.

There’s an app for that!

Get THE TOOLBOX APP

for instant information, support, and validation!

The Lemon Moms Series:

B&N

Kindle

Audible

Amazon

Nook

Google

Apple

Available formats: eBook, audiobook, hardcover, paperback, and large print too!

Get the TOOLBOX articles twice monthly to your inbox!

About the Author

As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping skills and healing strategies for herself. She happily shares those with others who want to learn and grow. 

Her Lemon Moms series and other books and articles are a combination of her education, knowledge, personal growth, and insight from her childhood experiences and subsequent recovery work.

Diane holds a Master of Science degree in Information Technology and a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology. She’s worked in numerous fields, including domestic violence and abuse, and is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer about family dysfunction. On The Toolbox, she writes about recovery strategies from hurtful people and painful, dysfunctional, or toxic relationships. She has authored four transformational books about healing and moving forward from narcissistic Victim Syndrome.

Visit her author’s site here: DianeMetcalf.com

Learn about the Lemon Moms series here: Lemon Moms

This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

My mom parented by blaming, shaming, intimidating, threatening, and physically punishing. In the earliest years of my life, I learned that I was somehow to blame for everything that displeased her.  Second-guessing and doubting myself became my way of life. I felt like a burden, believing that I made her life harder simply because I existed. I stayed out of her way as much as possible. I grew up feeling lonely and alone.

My mother shared her thoughts and feelings with me in frightening, highly emotionally charged, biased, and inappropriate ways. Gaslighting and the resulting cognitive dissonance distorted my perceptions and beliefs. At age eight, my codependency had begun. Her behavior initiated the codependency process, and her words guaranteed it.

Words Matter

Written words, spoken words, they all matter. It matters what people say to you, and it matters what you say to yourself. If you live with a narcissist or toxic person (or have one in your life,) you already know that it can negatively affect how you think about yourself, what you tell yourself, and how you treat yourself.

Oblivious of my codependency, her words and my own negative self-talk combined to confirm my beliefs that I was unlovable, would never be good enough, and didn’t matter.

The combination of the negative self-talk and the limiting beliefs kept me in a state of learned helplessness. Eventually, as an adult, I woke up to the fact that I was stuck. I’d been repeating the same hurtful relationship patterns throughout my adult life and wondering why I was unhappy. Finally, I realized that something had to change. So, among other things, I started examining, questioning and then changing my unsupportive inner dialogue into supportive, positive self-talk. I watched in awe as my limiting beliefs began to fade away. As I started thinking differently about myself, my self-identity changed. My opinions about myself changed. I changed.

Pleasing and Appeasing

I talk about codependency a  lot in Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism. Codependency is at the very core of the changes we need to make in ourselves, do we can heal from the mistreatment or abuse.

Codependency is described as a set of maladaptive coping skills. They are typically learned in childhood when feeling unsafe in the home environment. Living with real or perceived threats made it necessary for those who grew up like this to monitor our settings and control people and outcomes as best we could. It eventually felt natural to do this, and it became a way of life. Codependency can also be learned by imitating other codependents. It can be passed down through generations. This is known as “generational trauma.”

If we’re codependent, we become that way as a survival mechanism. Becoming codependent helped us survive a chaotic, confusing, and possibly dangerous environment. Then we grew up and found ourselves to be “people-pleasers” who willingly play by the rules of others and lose our identity in the process. We rely on others for a sense of identity, approval, or affirmation. We support and “enable” others in their addictions, mental illness, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement. As adults, we can eliminate codependent thinking and acting by learning new tools, skills, and strategies.

When we’re bogged down in codependency, it’s impossible to know our true, authentic selves. But by using affirmations, we can become aware of our codependent thoughts and behavior and replace them with healthy, functional ones. And we can finally get to know our authentic selves.

How Affirmations Work

Affirmations remind us of who we are when we are our authentic selves. By writing and speaking positive affirmations, we can begin honoring and eventually becoming our true selves. Affirmations help us to find ourselves and create our best lives possible.

A Positive Mindset

Affirmations are designed to promote an optimistic mindset; they have been shown to reduce the tendency to dwell on negative experiences (Wiesenfeld et al., 2001.) Optimism is powerful! When we replace negative thoughts with positive ones, we create a whole new narrative around “who we are” and what we can accomplish.

Affirmation Theory

There are three fundamental ideas involved in self-affirmation theory. First, correctly written affirmations work according to this theory:

1. By using positive affirmations, we can change our self-identity. Affirmations reinforce a newly created self-narrative; we become flexible and capable of adapting to different conditions (Cohen & Sherman, 2014.) Now, instead of viewing ourselves in a fixed or rigid way (for example, as “lazy”), we are flexible in our thoughts. We can adopt a broader range of “identities” and roles and define things like “success” differently. We can view various aspects of ourselves as positive and adapt to different situations more easily (Aronson, 1969.)
2. Self-identity is not about being exceptional, perfect, or excellent (Cohen & Sherman, 2014). Instead, we need to be competent and adequate in areas that we value  (Steele, 1988.)
3. We maintain self-integrity by behaving in ways that genuinely deserve acknowledgment and praise. We say an affirmation because we want to integrate that particular personal value into our own identity.

The Research

Affirmation research focuses on how individuals adapt to information or experiences that threaten their self-image. Today, self-affirmation theory remains well-studied throughout social psychological research.

Self-affirmation theory has led to research in neuroscience and investigating whether we can “see” how the brain changes using imaging technology while using positive affirmations. MRI evidence suggests that specific neural pathways increase when we speak affirmations (Cascio et al., 2016). For example, the “ventromedial prefrontal cortex,” involved in positive self-evaluation and self-related information processing, becomes more active when we speak positively about our values (Falk et al., 2015; Cascio et al., 2016).

The evidence suggests that affirmations are beneficial in multiple ways.

Positive affirmations:

1. have been shown to decrease health-related stress (Sherman et al., 2009; Critcher & Dunning, 2015.)
2. have been used effectively in “Positive Psychology Interventions,” or PPI, scientific tools and strategies used for increasing happiness, well-being, positive thinking, and emotions (Keyes, Fredrickson, & Park, 2012.)
3. may help change the perception of otherwise “threatening” messages (Logel & Cohen, 2012.)
4. can help us set our intention to change for the better (Harris et al., 2007) (Epton & Harris, 2008.)
5. have been positively linked to academic achievement by lessening GPA decline in students who felt isolated in college (Layous et al., 2017.)
6. have been demonstrated to lower stress (Koole et al., 1999; Weisenfeld et al., 2001.)
7. provide health benefits by helping us respond in a less defensive or resistant manner when we perceive threats.

In a nutshell, using affirmations allows us to create an adaptive, broader self-concept, making us more resilient to life’s struggles. A broader self-concept is a valuable tool!

More tools for healing:

Learn how to protect yourself with boundaries 

Learn about dysfunctional family roles

Learn about codependency 

Understand the narcissistic abuse cycle

Learn about Narcissism Awareness Grief

Let go of what you can’t control using positive detachment

Learn why expectations can be harmful

More Resources You May Like:

I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self

A Workbook and Journal

How to write the highest vibrating, most powerful affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things

Sold worldwide in any bookstore.

Quick links:

Barnes and Noble

Amazon

Walmart

Author Site

Join the Free Email Survival Course:

Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward

from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.

Private Facebook group included for members only.

There’s an app for that!

Get THE TOOLBOX APP

for instant information, support, and validation!

The Lemon Moms Series:

B&N

Kindle

Audible

Amazon

Nook

Google

Apple

Available formats: eBook, audiobook, hardcover, paperback, and large print too!

Get the TOOLBOX articles twice monthly to your inbox!

About the Author

As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping skills and healing strategies for herself. She happily shares those with others who want to learn and grow. 

Her Lemon Moms series and other books and articles are a combination of her education, knowledge, personal growth, and insight from her childhood experiences and subsequent recovery work.

Diane holds a Master of Science degree in Information Technology and a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology. She’s worked in numerous fields, including domestic violence and abuse, and is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer about family dysfunction. On The Toolbox, she writes about recovery strategies from hurtful people and painful, dysfunctional, or toxic relationships. She has authored four transformational books about healing and moving forward from narcissistic Victim Syndrome.

Visit her author’s site here: DianeMetcalf.com

Learn about the Lemon Moms series here: Lemon Moms

This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

Do you tell yourself, “I’m just _______,” or “I’ve just always been this way,” or “that’s just how I’ve always been”? I have a couple of things to say about these types of comments: first, stop using the word “just.” When you add “just,” it implies that what you’re saying has low significance. It sounds apologetic and meek. Don’t believe me? Take the word “just” out of your self-talk. Say it with and without the word “just.” Do you see how it feels different? Are you more confident? Empowered? Serious? You tell me.

Unconscious Commands

And what we say to ourselves isn’t only a description of what we believe about ourselves; it is a command. Your self-talk TELLS your mind what to think about you! When you tell yourself, “this is just who I am,” “I’ve always been _______,” or “I’ve always done ______,” it implies that there’s no room for change. These statements tell your brain, “this is it. This is final. There is no more.” Why would you want to do that? Chances are, you don’t know you’re doing it, and this is where self-awareness comes in. Start becoming aware of how you speak to yourself and the words that you use. Notice and take note for future reference.

Now, give yourself a break. You’re a human being, and no human being has ever been or will ever be perfect. Perfection doesn’t exist. Instead of comparing yourself to a non-existent standard, try focusing on your progress.

Results happen over time. Making positive life change is about progress, not perfection. Encourage yourself the way you’d encourage your friend or a small child. Tell yourself, “You’ve got this!” and eventually, you will get it! Be patient with yourself. It takes time to learn new things. Treating yourself with kindness, patience, and compassion does a lot towards reparenting yourself and healing your inner child too.

Action Time

Thinking about and remembering what happened in our childhoods doesn’t promote healing. That’s where many of us get stuck. Recovery requires more than reading, educating ourselves, and revisiting old memories. It requires action: getting in touch with our feelings, prioritizing self-care, dumping limiting beliefs, learning to set boundaries and enforce them, learning new ways of communicating, increasing self-esteem and self-confidence, doing inner child and reparenting work, and emotionally detaching.

It means doing the work, and I believe it begins with changing our unconscious, negative self-talk.

More tools for healing:

Learn to set boundaries 

Learn about dysfunctional family roles

Understand trauma bonds

Learn about codependency and maladaptive coping skills

Understand the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle

More Resources You May Like:

I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self

A Workbook and Journal

How to write the highest vibrating, most powerful affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things

Sold worldwide in any bookstore.

Quick links:

Barnes and Noble

Amazon

Walmart

Author Site

Join the Free Email Survival Course:

Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward

from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.

Private Facebook group included for members only.

There’s an app for that!

Get THE TOOLBOX APP

for instant information, support, and validation!

The Lemon Moms Series:

B&N

Kindle

Audible

Amazon

Nook

Google

Apple

Available formats: eBook, audiobook, hardcover, paperback, and large print too!

Get the TOOLBOX articles twice monthly to your inbox!

About the Author

As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping skills and healing strategies for herself. She happily shares those with others who want to learn and grow. 

Her Lemon Moms series and other books and articles are a combination of her education, knowledge, personal growth, and insight from her childhood experiences and subsequent recovery work.

Diane holds a Master of Science degree in Information Technology and a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology. She’s worked in numerous fields, including domestic violence and abuse, and is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer about family dysfunction. On The Toolbox, she writes about recovery strategies from hurtful people and painful, dysfunctional, or toxic relationships. She has authored four transformational books about healing and moving forward from narcissistic Victim Syndrome.

Visit her author’s site here: DianeMetcalf.com

Learn about the Lemon Moms series here: Lemon Moms

This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.