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Healing Affirmations•Self Care•Self-talk

How to Ditch Your Unsupportive Inner Dialogue

self love
March 6, 2022 by Diane M. Metcalf, MS No Comments

It’s not surprising to know that our inner dialogue is connected to how we feel and think about ourselves. If you beat yourself up for perceived failures or shortcomings, how does that help you? Does it motivate you to change? Does it keep you feeling bad and keep you stuck? How is that different from how a toxic or abusive person treats you?

Recovering from any kind of trauma, abuse or mistreatment requires more than reading, educating ourselves, and revisiting old memories. It requires getting in touch with our feelings, prioritizing self-care, dumping limiting beliefs, learning to set boundaries and enforce them. It means learning new ways of communicating, increasing self-esteem and self-confidence, and detaching from people who aren’t good for us.

It means doing the work, and I believe that going from an unsupportive inner dialogue to an uplifting and proactive one brings about positive change.

Until I began my own healing journey in earnest, I continued attracting toxic people and exercising my people-pleasing, codependent coping skills. I fixed and helped others without their invitation to do so. I felt resentful when they ignored my advice or were unappreciative of my help. Makes no sense, right?

In regard to healing specifically from narcissistic abuse, narcissism specialists say that we have two choices when dealing with those on the narcissistic spectrum: 1. live on their terms or 2. go “no contact.” For me, going no contact felt like a form of avoidance, and it wasn’t in line with the goals I had for myself. I wanted to learn how to heal and get my power back, not avoid. Going “no contact” wasn’t the right choice for me. So, I created a third option: I walked through the chaos and confusion of my mother’s narcissistic behavior, armed with new coping skills and strategies while protecting myself with boundaries. Retooling my self-talk in the form of positive affirmations was part of that package too, and I’ve included some of my favorite affirmations at the bottom of this article. I hope you check them out!


Negative and Unsupportive

In talking about affirmations, you might be more familiar with the negative types; those hurtful, unkind, and destructive things we tell ourselves. They are unsupportive inner dialogues that run in the background of our thoughts. We hear them as that little voice that whispers, “you’re too fat to be wearing that,” or “none of these people care about what you think,” or “you’re not smart enough to do that.” Those negative affirmations can do a lot of harm to our self-confidence and self-esteem. It’s time to replace them. Let’s kick the negativity out altogether. When we’re on a path of self-discovery, recovery, and moving forward, negative self-talk has no place in our lives.

If we grew up surrounded by dysfunction, especially in a narcissistic home, we got the message that we couldn’t do anything right, weren’t good enough, or didn’t matter. If we had a narcissistic mother, her words and behavior cut us deeply, like emotional knives. And long after we left home, that cruel, critical, internalized voice stayed with us.

We may try convincing ourselves that we’re over-reacting, that no harm was done, or that those painful memories we keep experiencing never really happened (self-gaslighting.) However, denying the reality of a painful childhood and allowing emotional wounds to remain unhealed leaves us unprepared for life’s challenges as adults. Our unhealed triggers and wounded inner child can keep us stuck perceiving, feeling, and responding like frightened children.

I-AM-1-150x150 How to Ditch Your Unsupportive Inner Dialogue


Two Powerful Words

Positive, healing affirmations remind us of who we are when we are living as our authentic selves. Affirmations remind us of who we are when we are living as our true selves. By following our intuition, and writing and speaking positive affirmations, we begin to honor and eventually become our authentic selves and create our best lives possible. We become our best ”I Am.”

Affirmations are designed to promote an optimistic mindset; they have been shown to reduce the tendency to dwell on negative experiences (Wiesenfeld et al., 2001.) Optimism is powerful! When we replace negative thoughts with positive ones, we create a whole new mindset and perspective about “who we are” and what we can accomplish.

I-am-300x300 How to Ditch Your Unsupportive Inner Dialogue

The Work

Using strong positive affirmations helps with boundary setting, feeling safe, improving self-trust and self-esteem, increasing self-confidence and personal empowerment, and healing C-PTSD symptoms.


Positive Affirmations vs. Codependency

Positive affirmations are the opposite of codependency. By speaking positive affirmations, we are reminded that we are powerful, that we matter, that we are worthy and that we already have the answers we seek. When we stand in this truth, our truth, we feel this. We know this.

If we don’t frequently remind ourselves of who we are as our best selves we can easily slip into living on others’ terms and lose our identities. We can quickly become other-focused and work to become what someone else wants us to be. This loss of self is at the core of codependency, (aka enabling and people-pleasing.)

I’ve heard it said that “damnation is the discontinuation of growth and development.” We may not know where we’re going, but let’s not go back to where we’ve been. Instead, keep growing, keep learning, keep moving forward, keep healing. Learn to trust the ebb and flow of life and, most importantly, in yourself.

Here are some healing affirmations from my book, Lemon Moms Life-altering Affirmations: Change Your Self-talk, Change YourSELF. They were specifically written for those who are in a relationship with someone who has narcissistic traits, but they can be useful to anyone who needs them. Many of them help diminish codependent thinking and behaving.

These affirmations will help if you’re: healing from narcissistic or abusive interactions, progressing through Narcissism Awareness Grief, experiencing Narcissism Victim Syndrome, at any phase in the cycle of abuse, or living with someone who has distorted thinking or mental illness. Some affirmations are repeated in more than one category because they apply to more than one.

I sincerely wish you healing and peace.

If you’re interested in Lemon Moms Life-Altering Affirmations: Change Your Self-talk, Change YourSELF– it’s sold everywhere, including Audible, Amazon Kindle, Amazon paperback, B&N Nook, B&N paperback, GOOGLE PLAY, APPLE

Healing Affirmations

For Calming Fight or Flight (Affirmations to help deal with hypervigilance)

  • I have confidence in myself.
  • The past is over. I happily focus on the present moment, feeling empowered.
  • I acknowledge and protect my personal power.
  • I am safe.
  • I hear, affirm, comfort, and validate my inner child.
  • I trust my mind.
  • I trust my decisions.
  • My self-talk is strictly positive.
  • I trust my senses of sight, hearing, smell, taste, and touch.
  • I am whole.
  • I can, and I will.
  • I heal more every day.
  • I am in control of what I think and how I feel.
  • I am a survivor and healed warrior. 
  • Today I give myself the freedom to make an error and know that it does not affect my worth as a human being.
  • I release old habits and practice new ones.
  • I let go of controlling or manipulating others.
  • I know and trust my own mind.

For Working Through Narcissism Awareness Grief (Affirmations to help deal with feelings of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, rewriting, acceptance)

  • I always mattered, but my mother couldn’t see it or acknowledge it.
  • I am in charge. Today’s thoughts create my future.
  • I hear, affirm, comfort, and validate my inner child.
  • This is stressful, so I take extra good care of myself today.
  • I stay in the present and focus on one day at a time.
  • I let myself rest without judgment.
  • I am kind and gentle with myself.
  • Today I honor and cherish my inner child, who was blameless then and now.
  • Now is the time to step into my power.
  • I am loved, loving and lovable.
  • I can do hard things.
  • When I have a problem, I focus on solutions.
  • I am naturally relaxed and confident.
  • I am safe and secure.
  • I am emotionally and physically strong.
  • I allow peace into my life.
  • I effectively communicate my needs and desires.
  • I accept that others love the best they can and may be limited in their ability to express love.
  • I am centered and focused.
  • I am unaffected by the desires of others

To Feel Accepted (Affirmations to help deal with being scapegoated and rejected)

  • I use my voice, and I am heard.
  • Only I can determine my self-worth.
  • I let go of the need for others to validate me.
  • I value myself.
  • I am human. It’s OK to be imperfect.
  • I focus on what I can control, and I release the rest.
  • I make healthy choices for myself.
  • I ask for help when I am struggling.
  • I allow others to live their lives and release the need to worry or control.
  • I am stronger than I thought.
  • I lean on others for support, and I am lovingly supported.
  • I find something for which to be grateful every day.
  • I am loving, intelligent, and creative, and I make positive changes in my life.
  • I am a survivor and healed warrior. 
  • I deserve good things in life.
  • My relationships are respectful and peaceful.
  • I release old habits and practice new ones.
  • I am connected with my authentic self.
  • I express myself confidently.
  • I hear my intuition and inner wisdom, and I listen.
  • I am well and worthy. 
  • I know and trust my own mind.
  • My boundaries are a form of self-love.
  • Only I can determine my self-worth.

To Heal Betrayal Wounds (Affirmations to help deal with narcissistic dishonesty and lies)

  • I use my voice, and I am heard.
  • I let go of the need for others to validate me.
  • Only I can determine my self-worth.
  • I listen when my heart talks to me.
  • I reaffirm for myself that I am on the right path.
  • I happily focus on the present moment, feeling empowered.
  • I focus on what I can control, and I release the rest.
  • I lean on others for support, and I am lovingly supported.
  • I value myself.
  • I rely on my higher power for strength and guidance.
  • I easily dial-up my confidence anytime I want.
  • I acknowledge the things that I like about myself and add to that list regularly.
  • I am resilient.
  • I am unaffected by other’s negativity.
  • I see the good things in myself.
  • When I feel overwhelmed, I choose healthy ways to cope.
  • I am intelligent and use my mind to make my life better.
  • I am a caring person, and people care about me.
  • I have strong intuition, and I trust it even if I don’t like what it tells me.
  • When I see red flags occurring in people or relationships, I pay attention to them and respond accordingly.
  • I ask for clarification when I am confused.

To Heal Shame (Affirmations to help deal with feeling ashamed)

  • I am worthy of love, happiness, and fulfillment.
  • Only I can determine my self-worth.
  • I have everything I need to be successful.
  • I am strong and resilient.
  • I am complete and whole.
  • I embrace change. I am the author of my story.
  • I embrace my new life even when it makes others uncomfortable.
  • I hear, affirm, comfort, and validate my inner child.
  • I allow without judgment.
  • I focus on what I can control, and I release the rest.
  • Everything is working for my highest good.
  • I belong. I know that I am safe.
  • I have everything I need. I am safe. I am loved.
  • I feel safe wherever I am.
  • I give my time and energy to those who deserve it.

Tools for Healing:

Learn why what you tell yourself matters

Learn how to protect yourself with boundaries 

Learn about the narcissistic abuse cycle

Learn about dysfunctional family roles

More Resources You May Like:

2-1024x1024 How to Ditch Your Unsupportive Inner Dialogue

I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self

A Workbook and Journal

How to write the highest vibrating, most powerful affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things

Sold worldwide in any bookstore.

Quick links:

Barnes and Noble
Amazon
Walmart
Author Site

Join the Free Email Survival Course:

Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward

from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.

Private Facebook group included for members only.

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    The Lemon Moms Series:

    B&N
    Kindle
    Audible
    Amazon
    Nook
    Google
    Apple

    Available formats: eBook, audiobook, hardcover, paperback, and large print too!

    All are available worldwide at your favorite bookstore!

    If not stocked, store copies may be ordered through the global distributor, IngramSpark.

    For ordering through Amazon in the US and other countries:

    Amazon US, Amazon UK,  Amazon Germany, Amazon France, Amazon Italy, Amazon Japan, Amazon Canada, Amazon Australia, Amazon Netherlands, Amazon Spain

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      About the Author

      Facetune_06-05-2021-18-24-57 How to Ditch Your Unsupportive Inner Dialogue

      As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping skills and healing strategies for herself. She happily shares those with others who want to learn and grow. 

      Her Lemon Moms series and other books and articles are a combination of her education, knowledge, personal growth, and insight from her childhood experiences and subsequent recovery work.

      Diane holds a Master of Science degree in Information Technology and a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology. She’s worked in numerous fields, including domestic violence and abuse, and is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer about family dysfunction. On The Toolbox, she writes about recovery strategies from hurtful people and painful, dysfunctional, or toxic relationships. She has authored four transformational books about healing and moving forward from narcissistic Victim Syndrome.

      Visit her author’s site here: DianeMetcalf.com

      Learn about the Lemon Moms series here: Lemon Moms

      This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

      Read more

      Reading time: 10 min
      Boundaries•Healing Affirmations•Scapegoating•Self-talk

      How Verbal Abuse Hurts Us

      Self Talk
      October 18, 2021 by Diane M. Metcalf, MS No Comments

      Narcissism specialists say that we have two choices when dealing with narcissists and those on the narcissistic spectrum: live on their terms or go “no contact.” I suggest we have a third option: walk through the chaos and confusion armed with new strategies and coping skills and protected by solid, healthy boundaries.

      Getting There

      In my own recovery journey, reading, researching, and working through various therapies eventually led me into Narcissism Awareness Grief (NAG).  I finally acknowledged my negative, traumatic childhood experiences and learned how, unhealed, they affected my adult relationships. I diligently worked through the stages of NAG and continued learning new coping skills like setting boundaries, positively emotionally detaching, and practicing strategic communication. As I found my voice and spoke my truth, my confidence and self-esteem grew. I began feeling whole and worthy for the first time in my life.

      If you’ve read “Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism,” you know that one of the ways my mother manipulated and controlled me as a child was to use the fear of abandonment. She threatened to give me away, put me in an orphanage, or send me to live with my father, whom she repeatedly said: “didn’t love us or want anything to do with us.” I lived in constant fear of doing the “right thing,” whatever the right thing was at any particular time. “The right thing” could and did change without warning, so I needed to remain constantly alert for changes in her tone of voice, behavior, and our home environment.

      My mom parented by blaming, shaming, intimidating, threatening, and physically punishing. In the earliest years of my life, I learned that I was somehow to blame for everything that displeased her.  Second-guessing and doubting myself became my way of life. I felt like a burden, believing that I made her life harder simply because I existed. I stayed out of her way as much as possible. I grew up feeling lonely and alone.

      My mother shared her thoughts and feelings with me in frightening, highly emotionally charged, biased, and inappropriate ways. Gaslighting and the resulting cognitive dissonance distorted my perceptions and beliefs. At age eight, my codependency had begun. Her behavior initiated the codependency process, and her words guaranteed it.

      Words Matter

      Written words, spoken words, they all matter. It matters what people say to you, and it matters what you say to yourself. If you live with a narcissist or toxic person (or have one in your life,) you already know that it can negatively affect how you think about yourself, what you tell yourself, and how you treat yourself.

      Oblivious of my codependency, her words and my own negative self-talk combined to confirm my beliefs that I was unlovable, would never be good enough, and didn’t matter.

      The combination of the negative self-talk and the limiting beliefs kept me in a state of learned helplessness. Eventually, as an adult, I woke up to the fact that I was stuck. I’d been repeating the same hurtful relationship patterns throughout my adult life and wondering why I was unhappy. Finally, I realized that something had to change. So, among other things, I started examining, questioning and then changing my unsupportive inner dialogue into supportive, positive self-talk. I watched in awe as my limiting beliefs began to fade away. As I started thinking differently about myself, my self-identity changed. My opinions about myself changed. I changed.

      Pleasing and Appeasing

      I talk about codependency a  lot in Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism. Codependency is at the very core of the changes we need to make in ourselves, do we can heal from the mistreatment or abuse.

      Codependency is described as a set of maladaptive coping skills. They are typically learned in childhood when feeling unsafe in the home environment. Living with real or perceived threats made it necessary for those who grew up like this to monitor our settings and control people and outcomes as best we could. It eventually felt natural to do this, and it became a way of life. Codependency can also be learned by imitating other codependents. It can be passed down through generations. This is known as “generational trauma.”

      If we’re codependent, we become that way as a survival mechanism. Becoming codependent helped us survive a chaotic, confusing, and possibly dangerous environment. Then we grew up and found ourselves to be “people-pleasers” who willingly play by the rules of others and lose our identity in the process. We rely on others for a sense of identity, approval, or affirmation. We support and “enable” others in their addictions, mental illness, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement. As adults, we can eliminate codependent thinking and acting by learning new tools, skills, and strategies.

      When we’re bogged down in codependency, it’s impossible to know our true, authentic selves. But by using affirmations, we can become aware of our codependent thoughts and behavior and replace them with healthy, functional ones. And we can finally get to know our authentic selves.

      How Affirmations Work

      Affirmations remind us of who we are when we are our authentic selves. By writing and speaking positive affirmations, we can begin honoring and eventually becoming our true selves. Affirmations help us to find ourselves and create our best lives possible.

      A Positive Mindset

      Affirmations are designed to promote an optimistic mindset; they have been shown to reduce the tendency to dwell on negative experiences (Wiesenfeld et al., 2001.) Optimism is powerful! When we replace negative thoughts with positive ones, we create a whole new narrative around “who we are” and what we can accomplish.

      pexels-prasanth-inturi-1051838-300x180 How Verbal Abuse Hurts Us

      Affirmation Theory

      There are three fundamental ideas involved in self-affirmation theory. First, correctly written affirmations work according to this theory:

      1. By using positive affirmations, we can change our self-identity. Affirmations reinforce a newly created self-narrative; we become flexible and capable of adapting to different conditions (Cohen & Sherman, 2014.) Now, instead of viewing ourselves in a fixed or rigid way (for example, as “lazy”), we are flexible in our thoughts. We can adopt a broader range of “identities” and roles and define things like “success” differently. We can view various aspects of ourselves as positive and adapt to different situations more easily (Aronson, 1969.)
      2. Self-identity is not about being exceptional, perfect, or excellent (Cohen & Sherman, 2014). Instead, we need to be competent and adequate in areas that we value  (Steele, 1988.)
      3. We maintain self-integrity by behaving in ways that genuinely deserve acknowledgment and praise. We say an affirmation because we want to integrate that particular personal value into our own identity.

      The Research

      Affirmation research focuses on how individuals adapt to information or experiences that threaten their self-image. Today, self-affirmation theory remains well-studied throughout social psychological research.

      Self-affirmation theory has led to research in neuroscience and investigating whether we can “see” how the brain changes using imaging technology while using positive affirmations. MRI evidence suggests that specific neural pathways increase when we speak affirmations (Cascio et al., 2016). For example, the “ventromedial prefrontal cortex,” involved in positive self-evaluation and self-related information processing, becomes more active when we speak positively about our values (Falk et al., 2015; Cascio et al., 2016).

      The evidence suggests that affirmations are beneficial in multiple ways.

      Positive affirmations:

      1. have been shown to decrease health-related stress (Sherman et al., 2009; Critcher & Dunning, 2015.)
      2. have been used effectively in “Positive Psychology Interventions,” or PPI, scientific tools and strategies used for increasing happiness, well-being, positive thinking, and emotions (Keyes, Fredrickson, & Park, 2012.)
      3. may help change the perception of otherwise “threatening” messages (Logel & Cohen, 2012.)
      4. can help us set our intention to change for the better (Harris et al., 2007) (Epton & Harris, 2008.)
      5. have been positively linked to academic achievement by lessening GPA decline in students who felt isolated in college (Layous et al., 2017.)
      6. have been demonstrated to lower stress (Koole et al., 1999; Weisenfeld et al., 2001.)
      7. provide health benefits by helping us respond in a less defensive or resistant manner when we perceive threats.

      In a nutshell, using affirmations allows us to create an adaptive, broader self-concept, making us more resilient to life’s struggles. A broader self-concept is a valuable tool!

      More tools for healing:

      Learn how to protect yourself with boundaries 

      Learn about dysfunctional family roles

      Learn about codependency 

      Understand the narcissistic abuse cycle

      Learn about Narcissism Awareness Grief

      Let go of what you can’t control using positive detachment

      Learn why expectations can be harmful

      More Resources You May Like:

      2-1024x1024 How Verbal Abuse Hurts Us

      I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self

      A Workbook and Journal

      How to write the highest vibrating, most powerful affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things

      Sold worldwide in any bookstore.

      Quick links:

      Barnes and Noble
      Amazon
      Walmart
      Author Site

      Join the Free Email Survival Course:

      Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward

      from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.

      Private Facebook group included for members only.

      Register Here!
      Free 8-week email Survival Course

        I respect your privacy. Unsubscribe at anytime.

        There’s an app for that!

        Get THE TOOLBOX APP

        for instant information, support, and validation!

        splashscreen-mobile-app-1-1024x1024 How Verbal Abuse Hurts Us
        GOOGLEPLAY-EMBLEM How Verbal Abuse Hurts Us
        app-store-logo How Verbal Abuse Hurts Us
        KINDLE-HiDef-3-book-series-2566-x-3846-px-683x1024 How Verbal Abuse Hurts Us

        The Lemon Moms Series:

        B&N
        Kindle
        Audible
        Amazon
        Nook
        Google
        Apple

        Available formats: eBook, audiobook, hardcover, paperback, and large print too!

        All are available worldwide at your favorite bookstore!

        If not stocked, store copies may be ordered through the global distributor, IngramSpark.

        For ordering through Amazon in the US and other countries:

        Amazon US, Amazon UK,  Amazon Germany, Amazon France, Amazon Italy, Amazon Japan, Amazon Canada, Amazon Australia, Amazon Netherlands, Amazon Spain

        In the US? No Amazon Prime? Buy directly from the author to

        GET FREE SHIPPING (U.S.)

        Get the TOOLBOX articles twice monthly to your inbox!

        Your Free Gift:
        Inner Child Healing Meditation mp3

          We respect your privacy. Unsubscribe at anytime.


          Visit Author’s Site

          About the Author

          Facetune_06-05-2021-18-24-57 How Verbal Abuse Hurts Us

          As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping skills and healing strategies for herself. She happily shares those with others who want to learn and grow. 

          Her Lemon Moms series and other books and articles are a combination of her education, knowledge, personal growth, and insight from her childhood experiences and subsequent recovery work.

          Diane holds a Master of Science degree in Information Technology and a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology. She’s worked in numerous fields, including domestic violence and abuse, and is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer about family dysfunction. On The Toolbox, she writes about recovery strategies from hurtful people and painful, dysfunctional, or toxic relationships. She has authored four transformational books about healing and moving forward from narcissistic Victim Syndrome.

          Visit her author’s site here: DianeMetcalf.com

          Learn about the Lemon Moms series here: Lemon Moms

          This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

          Read more
          Reading time: 7 min
          Boundaries•Healing Affirmations•Self Care•Self-talk

          What You Say to Yourself Matters!

          blank face mask
          September 12, 2021 by Diane M. Metcalf, MS No Comments

          If you’re familiar with my blog or my work, you know I’m a huge fan of affirmations and any kind of positive self-talk. Heck, I even wrote a book about it! So let me ask you-

          How’s YOUR Self-talk?

          Have you ever really observed how you talk to yourself? Some of us are not very nice to ourselves, and others are just plain abusive. What kinds of things do you say to yourself? Is your self-talk positive and loving? Or maybe you beat yourself up and tell yourself hurtful things?

          Have you ever tried talking to yourself as you would speak with a friend? How would that feel? Try being understanding, considerate, and kind to yourself. You would do that for your friend, right? You would encourage her, or him or them, wouldn’t you? You can start doing the same for yourself right now. Acknowledging your feelings about yourself when you make a mistake or struggle and choosing to comfort and care for yourself is called “self-compassion.” Self-compassion promotes positive, healthy self-care practices and a healthy mindset, which help to heal codependency.

          It’s not surprising to know that what we tell ourselves is linked to how we feel about ourselves. Changing your self-talk from an unsupportive inner dialogue to an uplifting and proactive one brings about positive change. But, if you beat yourself up for perceived failures or shortcomings, how does that help you? Does it motivate you to change? Does it keep you feeling bad and keep you stuck? How is it different from how your narcissistic mother treated you?

          Do you tell yourself, “I’m just _______,” or “I’ve just always been this way,” or “that’s just how I’ve always been”? I have a couple of things to say about these types of comments: first, stop using the word “just.” When you add “just,” it implies that what you’re saying has low significance. It sounds apologetic and meek. Don’t believe me? Take the word “just” out of your self-talk. Say it with and without the word “just.” Do you see how it feels different? Are you more confident? Empowered? Serious? You tell me.

          self-talk-300x200 What You Say to Yourself Matters!

          Unconscious Commands

          And what we say to ourselves isn’t only a description of what we believe about ourselves; it is a command. Your self-talk TELLS your mind what to think about you! When you tell yourself, “this is just who I am,” “I’ve always been _______,” or “I’ve always done ______,” it implies that there’s no room for change. These statements tell your brain, “this is it. This is final. There is no more.” Why would you want to do that? Chances are, you don’t know you’re doing it, and this is where self-awareness comes in. Start becoming aware of how you speak to yourself and the words that you use. Notice and take note for future reference.

          Now, give yourself a break. You’re a human being, and no human being has ever been or will ever be perfect. Perfection doesn’t exist. Instead of comparing yourself to a non-existent standard, try focusing on your progress.

          Results happen over time. Making positive life change is about progress, not perfection. Encourage yourself the way you’d encourage your friend or a small child. Tell yourself, “You’ve got this!” and eventually, you will get it! Be patient with yourself. It takes time to learn new things. Treating yourself with kindness, patience, and compassion does a lot towards reparenting yourself and healing your inner child too.

          Action Time

          Thinking about and remembering what happened in our childhoods doesn’t promote healing. That’s where many of us get stuck. Recovery requires more than reading, educating ourselves, and revisiting old memories. It requires action: getting in touch with our feelings, prioritizing self-care, dumping limiting beliefs, learning to set boundaries and enforce them, learning new ways of communicating, increasing self-esteem and self-confidence, doing inner child and reparenting work, and emotionally detaching.

          It means doing the work, and I believe it begins with changing our unconscious, negative self-talk.

          More tools for healing:

          Learn to set boundaries 

          Learn about dysfunctional family roles

          Understand trauma bonds

          Learn about codependency and maladaptive coping skills

          Understand the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle

          More Resources You May Like:

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              About the Author

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              As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping skills and healing strategies for herself. She happily shares those with others who want to learn and grow. 

              Her Lemon Moms series and other books and articles are a combination of her education, knowledge, personal growth, and insight from her childhood experiences and subsequent recovery work.

              Diane holds a Master of Science degree in Information Technology and a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology. She’s worked in numerous fields, including domestic violence and abuse, and is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer about family dysfunction. On The Toolbox, she writes about recovery strategies from hurtful people and painful, dysfunctional, or toxic relationships. She has authored four transformational books about healing and moving forward from narcissistic Victim Syndrome.

              Visit her author’s site here: DianeMetcalf.com

              Learn about the Lemon Moms series here: Lemon Moms

              This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

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