If you’re familiar with my blog or my work, you know I’m a huge fan of affirmations and any kind of positive self-talk. Heck, I even wrote a book about it! So let me ask you-
Have you ever really observed how you talk to yourself? Some of us are not very nice to ourselves, and others are just plain abusive. What kinds of things do you say to yourself? Is your self-talk positive and loving? Or maybe you beat yourself up and tell yourself hurtful things?
Have you ever tried talking to yourself as you would speak with a friend? How would that feel? Try being understanding, considerate, and kind to yourself. You would do that for your friend, right? You would encourage her, or him or them, wouldn’t you? You can start doing the same for yourself right now. Acknowledging your feelings about yourself when you make a mistake or struggle and choosing to comfort and care for yourself is called “self-compassion.” Self-compassion promotes positive, healthy self-care practices and a healthy mindset, which help to heal codependency.
It’s not surprising to know that what we tell ourselves is linked to how we feel about ourselves. Changing your self-talk from an unsupportive inner dialogue to an uplifting and proactive one brings about positive change. But, if you beat yourself up for perceived failures or shortcomings, how does that help you? Does it motivate you to change? Does it keep you feeling bad and keep you stuck? How is it different from how your narcissistic mother treated you?
Do you tell yourself, “I’m just _______,” or “I’ve just always been this way,” or “that’s just how I’ve always been”? I have a couple of things to say about these types of comments: first, stop using the word “just.” When you add “just,” it implies that what you’re saying has low significance. It sounds apologetic and meek. Don’t believe me? Take the word “just” out of your self-talk. Say it with and without the word “just.” Do you see how it feels different? Are you more confident? Empowered? Serious? You tell me.
Unconscious Commands
And what we say to ourselves isn’t only a description of what we believe about ourselves; it is a command. Your self-talk TELLS your mind what to think about you! When you tell yourself, “this is just who I am,” “I’ve always been _______,” or “I’ve always done ______,” it implies that there’s no room for change. These statements tell your brain, “this is it. This is final. There is no more.” Why would you want to do that? Chances are, you don’t know you’re doing it, and this is where self-awareness comes in. Start becoming aware of how you speak to yourself and the words that you use. Notice and take note for future reference.
Now, give yourself a break. You’re a human being, and no human being has ever been or will ever be perfect. Perfection doesn’t exist. Instead of comparing yourself to a non-existent standard, try focusing on your progress.
Results happen over time. Making positive life change is aboutprogress, not perfection. Encourage yourself the way you’d encourage your friend or a small child. Tell yourself, “You’ve got this!” and eventually, you will get it! Be patient with yourself. It takes time to learn new things. Treating yourself with kindness, patience, and compassion does a lot towards reparenting yourself and healing your inner child too.
Thinking about and remembering what happened in our childhoods doesn’t promote healing. That’s where many of us get stuck. Recovery requires more than reading, educating ourselves, and revisiting old memories. It requires action: getting in touch with our feelings, prioritizing self-care, dumping limiting beliefs, learning to set boundaries and enforce them, learning new ways of communicating, increasing self-esteem and self-confidence, doing inner child and reparenting work, and emotionally detaching.
It means doing the work, and I believe it begins with changing our unconscious, negative self-talk.
More resources to guide you in healing from childhood trauma, abuse, or neglect. Available on Amazon and wherever books are sold. (ebook, audiobook, hardcover, and paperback.)
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As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf has developed strong coping skills and healing strategies. She happily shares those insights with others who want to learn.
Her books and articles are the result of her education, knowledge, personal growth, and insight regarding her childhood experiences and subsequent recovery work.
Diane holds a Master of Science degree in Information Technology and a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology. She has worked in numerous fields including domestic violence and abuse and is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer about family dysfunction. Currently, she writes about recovery from narcissistic victim syndrome and symptoms of C-PTSD on The Toolbox and has authored three books in the “Lemon Moms” series. Visit her author’s website here.
She is no longer a practicing Social Worker, Counselor, Program Manager, or Advocate.
This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.
As I write this article, I am processing my mother’s recent death and what it means for me. My inner child is asking for and needing attention. I am honoring my inner child.
I feel sad that my mother’s life has ended because now she has no more opportunities to heal, or attempt to heal, her relationships that need healing. And there are many.
The morning after her death, “The big bad wolf is gone” was the first thought to form in my waking consciousness. My inner child seems to feel safe now.
For decades I’ve struggled physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally with the concept of having a mother who chose to have solely minimal involvement with me. She was often hurtful, spiteful, and mean-spirited during these infrequent interactions. The continuous emotional abandonment that I experienced during those years was real. Throughout, I continually longed for and chased after her ever-withheld love, affection, and acceptance. I felt like I was lost in the woods, wandering a deep, dark, dangerous forest, unable to find my way home for so very long. Subsequently, I mourned the loss of my mother decades ago when she was very much alive. There are no more tears left to shed.
When I was able to accept that I was only as valuable to my mother as the things I could do or provide for her, I began to deal with the core problem: my codependency. Finally, I found the path and began reversing the codependent thoughts and behaviors. It literally changed everything.
If you’ve read my book Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism, you already know that my mother had many narcissistic traits. Among other types of controlling behavior, she often used fear of abandonment to manipulate me as a child. She threatened to give me away to strangers, put me in an orphanage, or send me to live with my father, whom she repeatedly said: “didn’t love us or want anything to do with us.”
And so, because I didn’t want to lose my home, I lived in constant fear of doing the “right thing,” whatever the right thing was at any particular time. “The right thing” could and did change without warning, so I needed to remain constantly alert for changes in her tone of voice, behavior, and in our home environment. As a result, I learned to continually take her “emotional temperature” to keep myself safe.
My mom parented by blaming, shaming, intimidating, threatening, and physically punishing. In the earliest years, I learned that I was somehow to blame for everything that displeased her. Second-guessing and doubting myself ecame my way of life. I felt like a burden, believing that I made her life harder simply because I existed. I stayed out of her way as much as possible.
I felt lonely and alone because there was no one to talk to about this predicament. Most of the people in my life only saw my mother’s public “false face,” so they thought she was a wonderful mother and human being. Only those of us who lived with her saw both faces, the real and the false. Only those of us who lived with her experienced her true self.
Words Matter
My mother shared her thoughts and feelings with me in frightening, highly emotionally charged, biased, and inappropriate ways when I was a young child. Gaslighting and the resulting cognitive dissonance distorted my perceptions and beliefs. Her behavior initiated my codependency, but her words guaranteed it.
There were no boundaries in our home, but there was lots of name-calling, invalidation, uncommunicated expectations, and neglect. I stayed up as late as I wanted. I was expected to care for my younger siblings and was blamed and sometimes punished for their misbehavior.
I was not allowed to openly express feelings, ask questions, or show initiative or curiosity. My emotions were discounted, minimized, or invalidated. Asking questions or taking action meant I was challenging my mother, and that was not tolerated. She rewrote my memories, and I was expected to believe her version. I was to obey, stay quiet and not question.
My mom called me hurtful names and obscenities, and at times, she ignored me, not speaking to me for days, weeks, or even months.
Awakening
Reading, researching, and working through various therapies eventually led me into Narcissism Awareness Grief, a term coined by Dr. Christine Hammond. Once there, I finally came to terms with my childhood experiences and learned how, unhealed, they affected my adult relationships. I worked through the stages and continued learning coping skills like setting boundaries, emotionally detaching, improving self-care, and practicing strategic communication. As I found my voice and spoke my truth, my confidence and self-esteem grew. I began feeling whole and worthy for the first time.
Narcissism Awareness Grief (NAG) begins when you become aware of your mother’s narcissistic traits and realize how they impacted you.
Much like the famous Kubler-Ross “five stages of grief” model, there are several stages of Narcissism Awareness Grief. They’re not linear; they’re not experienced in any particular order. We can go back and forth between the stages throughout the process of grieving. But every step must be experienced before we can get to the final stage, which is “acceptance.” It’s also possible to become stuck in any phase for any length of time and never enter into acceptance.
The last piece, acceptance, comes pretty organically as we do the work necessary to progress through these stages.
The Stages:
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Rewriting
Acceptance
The Power of Words
Written words, spoken words, they all matter. It matters what people say to you, and it matters what you say to others and to yourself. If you live with a narcissist or toxic person (or have one in your life), you already know that it can negatively affect how you think about yourself, what you tell yourself, and how you treat yourself.
Oblivious of my codependency, my mother’s words, and my own negative self-talk combined to confirm my beliefs; I was unlovable, would never be good enough, and didn’t matter.
The combination of the negative self-talk and the limiting beliefs kept me in a state of learned helplessness. Eventually, as an adult, I woke up to the fact that I was stuck. I’d been repeating the same hurtful relationship patterns throughout my adult life and wondering why I was unhappy. Finally, I realized that something had to change. So, among other things, I started examining, questioning, and then changing my unsupportive inner dialogue into supportive, positive self-talk. I watched in amazement as my limiting beliefs began to fade away. As I started thinking differently about myself, my self-concept changed. My opinions about myself changed. I changed.
It’s not surprising to know that what we tell ourselves is linked to how we feel about ourselves. Changing your self-talk from an unsupportive inner dialogue to an uplifting and proactive one brings about positive change. But, if you beat yourself up for perceived failures or shortcomings, how does that help you? Does it motivate you to change? Does it keep you feeling bad and keep you stuck? How is it different from how your narcissistic mother treated you?
And what we say to ourselves isn’t only a description of what we believe about ourselves; it is also a command. Your self-talk TELLS your mind what to think about you! When you tell yourself, “this is just who I am,” “I’ve always been _____,” or “I’ve always done _____,” it implies that there’s no room for change. These statements tell your brain, “this is it. This is final. There is no more.” Why would you want to do that? Chances are, you don’t know you’re doing it, and this is where self-awareness comes in.
Making positive life change is about progress, not perfection. Encourage yourself the way you’d encourage your friend or a small child. Be patient with yourself. It takes time to learn new things. Treating yourself with kindness, patience, and compassion does a lot towards reparenting yourself and healing your inner child.
Time for Action
Thinking about and remembering what happened in our childhoods doesn’t promote healing. Unfortunately, that’s where many of us get stuck. Recovery requires more than reading, educating ourselves, and revisiting old memories. It requires getting in touch with our feelings, prioritizing self-care, dumping limiting beliefs, learning to set boundaries and enforce them. It means learning new ways of communicating, increasing self-esteem and self-confidence, doing inner child and reparenting work, and detaching from people who aren’t good for us.
It means doing the work, and I believe that can begin with changing our unconscious, negative self-talk.
Until I began my healing journey in earnest, I continued attracting toxic people and exercising my codependency. I fixed and helped others without their invitation to do so. I felt resentful when they ignored my advice or were unappreciative of my help. It makes no sense, right? It didn’t feel great either.
Narcissism specialists say that we have two choices when dealing with narcissists and those on the narcissistic spectrum: live on their terms or go “no contact.” No contact felt like avoidance to me, and it didn’t feel good or in line with my intuition. I wanted to heal, not avoid. So I found a third option: walk through the chaos and confusion of narcissism armed with new coping skills and protected by boundaries.
For me, speaking positive healing self-affirmations were part of that recovery package. So, at the end of this article, I include some of my favorite affirmations taken from my book, Lemon Moms Life-altering Affirmations: Change Your Self-talk, Change YourSELF.
Negative and Unsupportive
You might be more familiar with negative affirmations, the hurtful, unkind, and destructive things we tell ourselves. They are the unsupportive inner dialogue that runs in the background of our thoughts. We hear them as that little voice that whispers, “you’re too fat to be wearing that,” or “none of these people care about what you think,” or “you’re not smart enough to do that.” Those negative affirmations can do a lot of harm to our self-confidence and self-esteem. It’s time to replace them with positive affirmations! Let’s kick negativity out of our lives altogether. Negative self-talk has no place in our lives anymore.
If we grew up in dysfunction, especially in a narcissistic home, we understood that we couldn’t do anything right and weren’t good enough or didn’t matter. But, whether intentional or not, if we had a narcissistic mother, her words and behavior, like emotional knives, cut us deeply. And long after we left home, that cruel, critical, internalized voice stayed with us.
We may try convincing ourselves that we’re over-reacting, that she didn’t mean any harm, or that it never really happened (self-gaslighting.) However, denying the reality of our childhood and allowing emotional wounds to remain unaddressed and unhealed leaves us unprepared to face life’s challenges as adults. Instead, our unhealed triggers and wounded inner child can keep us stuck perceiving, feeling, and responding like a frightened child.
Two Powerful Words
Positive, healing affirmations remind us of who we are when we are our authentic selves. By following our intuition, writing, and speaking positive affirmations, we can begin honoring and eventually becoming our true selves. Affirmations help us to find ourselves and create our best lives possible. Affirmations remind us of who we are when we are our authentic selves. By following our intuition, writing, and speaking positive affirmations, we can begin honoring and eventually becoming our true selves. Affirmations help us to find ourselves and create our best lives possible.
Affirmations are designed to promote an optimistic mindset; they have been shown to reduce the tendency to dwell on negative experiences (Wiesenfeld et al., 2001.) Optimism is a powerful tool! When we replace negative thoughts with positive ones, we create a whole new narrative around “who we are” and what we can accomplish.
Doing the Work
When we’ve done the work and progressed through the stages of Narcissism Awareness Grief, it may feel like a huge burden has been lifted when we arrive at the final phase of acceptance. We are finally able to fully confront the reality of our past. It is as if a blindfold was removed; we can see our history and how it relates to who we are now and who we can be in the future.
We’re not fearful or threatened by this understanding. Instead, we have a new sense of the “bigger picture.” All of the bits and pieces combine to give us a fresh new perspective and experience of ourselves and an awareness of our personal power. We feel hope. We feel grateful for allowing ourselves to question our past: in doing the work, we question what we’ve been told, and we challenge those unsupportive inner voices.
We no longer feel the need to push our feelings or memories away. Now, we can sit with them and observe. And as we watch, we see our story unfold. We write, or talk, about it. We acknowledge the courageous little children we were, faced with childhoods full of confusion, doubt, and shame, and we feel compassion for ourselves. We finally know what we want from ourselves and our lives, and we’re willing to start making the necessary changes to get it. We know we’ll be OK. We know we’ve got this.
Using strong healing affirmations helps when living beyond mere “acceptance.” They can help with boundary setting, feeling safe, improving self-trust and self-esteem, increasing self-confidence and personal empowerment, and healing C-PTSD symptoms. When we suffer from C-PTSD, our minds attempt to ensure our safety by alerting us to memories of similar feeling threats. If we avoid these painful memories by actively denying, disconnecting from, and rejecting them, the trauma remains unaddressed and unhealed.
Positive Affirmations vs. Codependency
Positive affirmations are the opposite of codependency. By speaking positive affirmations, we are reminded that we are powerful, that we matter, that we are worthy and that we already have the answers we seek. When we stand in this truth, our truth, we feel this. We know this.
If we don’t frequently remind ourselves of who we are and what we want, we can easily slip back into living our lives on other’s terms and lose our true identities. We can quickly become other-focused and work to become what someone else wants us to be. This loss of self is at the core of codependency, enabling, and people-pleasing.
Many of the following affirmations will help diminish codependent thinking and behaving.
I’ve heard it said that “damnation is the discontinuation of growth and development.” We may not know where we’re going, but let’s not go back to where we’ve been. Instead, keep growing, keep learning, keep moving forward, keep healing. Learn to trust the ebb and flow of life and, most importantly, in yourself.
Here are some healing affirmations from my newest book, Lemon Moms Life-altering Affirmations: Change Your Self-talk, Change YourSELF, specifically written for coping with someone else’s narcissism. They can help if you’re frequently involved in narcissistic interactions, dealing with Narcissism Awareness Grief, Narcissism Victim Syndrome, or coping with the death of a narcissistic parent. Some affirmations are repeated in more than one category, because they apply to more than one.
I sincerely wish you healing and peace.
Affirmations to Counteract Negativity (Affirmations to help deal with toxic people)
I am grateful for all of the love that is in my life.
I accept that others love the best way they know how.
I let go of the need for others to validate me.
I listen when my heart talks to me.
My voice empowers me.
I am centered and focused.
I am capable and can easily handle anything that comes my way.
I am unaffected by the desires of others.
I trust my inner voice.
I let go of those not headed where I am going as a form of self-respect.
I am unaffected by other’s judgments.
I repair relationships only with those willing to take their share of responsibility for what went wrong.
Other’s words have no power over me.
Every decision I make is right for me.
All is well in my life.
Affirmations For Standing in Your Power (Affirmations to help deal with the lossof personal power)
My personal power is stronger every day.
I am my own person. I choose how I think and behave.
I love myself for who I am.
I use my voice, and I am heard.
I value myself.
I am here, I am alive, I am grateful, I am ready.
I easily dial-up my confidence anytime I want.
I acknowledge the things that I like about myself and add to that list regularly.
I am resilient.
I am unaffected by other’s negativity.
I see the good things in myself.
I am intelligent and use my mind to make my life better.
I have strong intuition, and I trust it even if I don’t like what it tells me.
When I see red flags occurring in people or relationships, I pay attention to them and respond accordingly.
Affirmations For Calming Fight or Flight (Affirmations to help deal with hypervigilance)
I have confidence in myself.
The past is over. I happily focus on the present moment, feeling empowered.
I acknowledge and protect my personal power.
I am safe.
I hear, affirm, comfort, and validate my inner child.
I trust my mind.
I trust my decisions.
My self-talk is strictly positive.
I trust my senses of sight, hearing, smell, taste, and touch.
I am whole.
I can, and I will.
I heal more every day.
I am in control of what I think and how I feel.
I am a survivor and healed warrior.
Today I give myself the freedom to make an error and know that it does not affect my worth as a human being.
I release old habits and practice new ones.
I am connected with my authentic self.
I express myself confidently.
I hear my intuition and inner wisdom, and I listen.
I am well and worthy.
I let go of controlling or manipulating others.
I know and trust my own mind.
Affirmations for self-validation (Affirmations to help deal with constant invalidation)
I accept and value myself exactly as I am.
I use my voice, and I am heard.
I let go of the need for others to validate me.
I am in charge. Today’s thoughts create my future.
I acknowledge and protect my personal power.
I express myself confidently.
I hear my intuition and inner wisdom, and I listen.
I listen to my wise higher self.
I acknowledge the things that I like about myself and add to that list regularly.
I am resilient.
When I feel overwhelmed, I choose healthy ways to cope.
I am kind and empathetic.
I am intelligent and use my mind to make my life better.
I am a caring person, and people care about me.
I am compassionate and show my compassion in a variety of ways.
I have strong intuition, and I trust it even if I don’t like what it tells me.
When I see red flags occurring in people or relationships, I pay attention to them and respond accordingly.
I ask for clarification when I am confused.
I attract mentally and emotionally stable people.
I attract kind and caring people.
My life gets better every day.
When I slip up, I forgive myself and get back on track immediately.
I trust my mind.
I trust my decisions.
Affirmations for Working Through Narcissism Awareness Grief (Affirmations to help deal with feelings of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, rewriting, acceptance)
I always mattered, but my mother couldn’t see it or acknowledge it.
I am in charge. Today’s thoughts create my future.
I hear, affirm, comfort, and validate my inner child.
Today I take care of myself.
I focus on what I can control, and I release the rest.
This is stressful, so I take extra good care of myself today.
I stay in the present and focus on one day at a time.
My body and mind need rest to recharge, so I let myself rest without judgment.
I am kind and gentle with myself.
Today I honor and cherish my inner child, who was blameless then and now.
Now is the time to step into my power.
I am loved, loving and lovable.
I can do hard things.
I focus on what’s happening right now.
When I have a problem, I focus on solutions.
I am naturally relaxed and confident.
I am safe and secure.
I am emotionally and physically strong.
I take time for myself to rest, relax, unplug or do something that I enjoy.
I allow peace into my life.
I effectively communicate my needs and desires.
I make a positive difference in the world.
I release my wounds to my higher power.
I accept that others love the best they can and may be limited in their ability to express love.
I allow myself to be childlike.
I let go of control and allow life to unfold.
I ask for what I want.
I dare to be imperfect.
My voice empowers me.
Today I create the life I want.
I am centered and focused.
I am unaffected by the desires of others
Affirmations to Feel Accepted (Affirmations to help deal with being scapegoated and rejected)
I use my voice, and I am heard.
Only I can determine my self-worth.
I let go of the need for others to validate me.
I value myself.
I am human. It’s OK to be imperfect.
I focus on what I can control, and I release the rest.
I make healthy choices for myself.
I ask for help when I am struggling.
I have easy, mutually accepting relationships.
I allow others to live their lives and release the need to worry or control.
I am stronger than I thought.
I lean on others for support, and I am lovingly supported.
I find something for which to be grateful every day.
I am loving, intelligent, and creative, and I make positive changes in my life.
I am a survivor and healed warrior.
I deserve good things in life.
My relationships are respectful and peaceful.
I release old habits and practice new ones.
I am connected with my authentic self.
I express myself confidently.
I hear my intuition and inner wisdom, and I listen.
I am well and worthy.
I know and trust my own mind.
My boundaries are a form of self-love.
Only I can determine my self-worth.
I easily see a person’s authentic self, and I embrace what they’re showing me.
I listen to my wise self.
I am loved, loving and lovable.
I can do hard things.
I am here, I am alive, I am grateful, I am ready.
I like myself.
I am and always have been good enough.
I take pleasure in my personal development.
I focus on what’s happening right now.
I am smart and capable.
When I have a problem, I focus on solutions.
I am naturally relaxed and confident.
I am safe and secure.
I am emotionally and physically strong.
When I enter a room, I am poised and self-confident.
Affirmations to Heal Betrayal Wounds (Affirmations to help deal with narcissistic dishonesty and lies)
I use my voice, and I am heard.
I let go of the need for others to validate me.
Only I can determine my self-worth.
I listen when my heart talks to me.
I reaffirm for myself that I am on the right path.
I happily focus on the present moment, feeling empowered.
I acknowledge and protect my personal power.
I focus on what I can control, and I release the rest.
I lean on others for support, and I am lovingly supported.
I value myself.
I rely on my higher power for strength and guidance.
I easily dial-up my confidence anytime I want.
I acknowledge the things that I like about myself and add to that list regularly.
I am resilient.
I am unaffected by other’s negativity.
I see the good things in myself.
When I feel overwhelmed, I choose healthy ways to cope.
I am intelligent and use my mind to make my life better.
I am a caring person, and people care about me.
I have strong intuition, and I trust it even if I don’t like what it tells me.
When I see red flags occurring in people or relationships, I pay attention to them and respond accordingly.
I ask for clarification when I am confused.
Affirmations to Feel Safe (Affirmations to help deal with emotional abandonment)
I am open and receiving all the good things life offers me.
I am whole.
I am grateful for my ongoing personal development.
I can, and I will.
I heal more every day.
I am in control of what I think and how I feel.
I am loving, intelligent, and creative, and I make positive changes in my life.
I am a survivor and healed warrior.
My relationships are respectful and peaceful.
I am connected with my authentic self.
I am well and worthy.
Today I honor and cherish my inner child, who was blameless then and now.
I know and trust my own mind.
I am getting through this by making healthy choices.
I do everything I can to be physically and emotionally healthy.
I am optimistic.
It’s OK for me to be afraid and courageous at the same time.
I ask for help when I am struggling.
I have easy, mutually accepting relationships.
I take work breaks to rest or have fun.
I lean on others for support, and I am lovingly supported.
I find something for which to be grateful every day.
Affirmations to Heal Shame (Affirmations to help deal with feeling ashamed)
I am worthy of love, happiness, and fulfillment.
Only I can determine my self-worth.
I have everything I need to be successful.
I am strong and resilient.
I am complete and whole.
I embrace change. I am the author of my story.
I embrace my new life even when it makes others uncomfortable.
I hear, affirm, comfort, and validate my inner child.
I allow without judgment.
I focus on what I can control, and I release the rest.
Everything is working for my highest good.
I belong. I know that I am safe.
I have everything I need. I am safe. I am loved.
I feel safe wherever I am.
I give my time and energy to those who deserve it.
Affirmations to Set and Maintain Healthy Boundaries (Affirmations to help deal with setting limits on what you’ll accept or tolerate)
I deserve all the love, respect, joy, and prosperity that comes to me.
I am compassionate and empathetic.
I treat myself with love and respect.
I honor and value myself.
My body language demonstrates that I am sure of myself.
I feel good about spending money on products and services to care for my body and demonstrate that I value myself.
I take time for myself to rest, relax, unplug or do something that I enjoy.
I allow peace into my life.
I use my voice to protect myself.
I attract joy into my life.
I effectively communicate my needs and desires.
I make a positive difference in the world.
I accept that others love the best they can and may be limited in their ability to express love.
I honor and respect myself.
I face my problems with courage and trust.
I ask for what I want.
I clearly state my expectations.
My voice empowers me.
I joyfully do what’s right for me every day.
Affirmations to Feel Secure (Affirmations to help deal with narcissistic rages)
Only I can determine my self-worth.
I listen when my heart talks to me.
I acknowledge and protect my personal power.
I am safe and free.
I am connected with my authentic self.
I express myself confidently.
I hear my intuition and inner wisdom, and I listen.
I am well and worthy.
I know and trust my own mind.
I easily see a person’s authentic self, and I embrace what they’re showing me.
Now is the time to step into my power.
I am loved, loving and lovable.
I can do hard things.
I am here, I am alive, I am grateful, I am ready.
I like myself.
I am and always have been worthy.
Affirmations for Improving Self-trust (Affirmations to help deal with the effects of gaslighting)
I love myself unconditionally.
I let go of the need for others to validate me.
I listen when my heart talks to me.
I know and trust my own mind.
I love myself unconditionally.
I reaffirm for myself that I am on the right path.
I embrace my new life even when it makes others uncomfortable.
The past is over. I happily focus on the present moment, feeling empowered.
I hear, affirm, comfort, and validate my inner child.
I listen to my wise higher self.
I use my voice, speak my truth, and enjoy feelings of personal power.
I have strong intuition, and I trust it even if I don’t like what it tells me.
When I see red flags occurring in people or relationships, I pay attention to them and respond accordingly.
I ask for clarification when I am confused.
I attract mentally and emotionally stable people.
I attract kind and caring people.
My life gets better every day.
When I slip up, I forgive myself and get back on track immediately.
I trust my mind.
I trust my decisions.
My self-talk is strictly positive.
I trust my senses of sight, hearing, smell, taste, and touch.
I know which responsibilities are mine and which are not.
I balance my empathy for others with personal boundaries and self-care.
I am whole.
I am grateful for my ongoing personal development.
I can, and I will.
I am in control of what I think and how I feel.
I am in control of my triggers.
I am loving, intelligent, and creative, and I make positive changes in my life.
I am a survivor and healed warrior.
Today I give myself the freedom to make an error and know that it does not affect my worth as a human being.
I release old habits and practice new ones.
I am excitedly hopeful. Healing is possible.
I am connected with my authentic self.
I express myself confidently.
Affirmations for C-PTSD Triggers (Affirmations to help deal with highly sensitive, reactive emotions activated by our environment or someone’s behavior or words.)
I hear, affirm, comfort, and validate my inner child.
I have confidence in myself.
I release past hurts into the universe.
I let go of the need for others to validate me.
I listen when my heart talks to me.
My boundaries are a form of self-love.
This is stressful, so I take extra good care of myself today.
I make healthy choices for myself.
I stay in the present and focus on one day at a time.
I am naturally relaxed and confident.
I am safe and secure.
I am emotionally and physically strong.
I take time for myself to rest, relax, unplug or do something that I enjoy.
I allow peace into my life.
I use my voice to protect myself.
I effectively communicate my needs and desires.
I make a positive difference in the world.
I love who I am, and I love my potential.
I release my wounds to my higher power.
I accept that others love the best they can and may be limited in their ability to express love.
I honor and respect myself.
I face my problems with courage and trust.
I allow myself to be childlike.
I clearly state my expectations.
My voice empowers me.
I am centered and focused.
I am capable and can easily handle anything that comes my way.
Conscious awareness: Be aware and make conscious choices before acting. Self-awareness releases us from making impulsive and potentially damaging decisions.
Self-care: We are in control of ourselves and no one is responsible for us but us. We can only choose to focus on and be responsible for ourselves, our own thoughts, actions, and behavior. We can change ourselves with patience, persistence, and practice. When we take responsibility for getting our needs met, instead of waiting for someone to change or meet our needs for us, we are healing.
More resources to guide you in healing from childhood trauma, abuse, or neglect. Available on Amazon and wherever books are sold. (ebook, audiobook, hardcover, and paperback.)
Like these posts? Want them automatically delivered to your inbox twice monthly?
As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf has developed strong coping skills and healing strategies. She happily shares those insights with others who want to learn.
Her books and articles are the result of her education, knowledge, personal growth, and insight regarding her childhood experiences and subsequent recovery work.
Diane holds a Master of Science degree in Information Technology and a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology. She has worked in numerous fields including domestic violence and abuse and is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer about family dysfunction. Currently, she writes about recovery from narcissistic victim syndrome and symptoms of C-PTSD on The Toolbox and has authored three books in the “Lemon Moms” series. Visit her author’s website here.
She is no longer a practicing Social Worker, Counselor, Program Manager, or Advocate.
This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.
Using Affirmations to Heal Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome
When we grew up in dysfunction, especially in narcissistic homes, we couldn’t do anything right. Whether intentional or not, if we had a narcissistic mother, her “ emotional daggers” hurt us deeply. Long after we left home, that cruel, critical voice stayed with us inside.
We may have tried convincing ourselves that we were over-reacting, that she didn’t mean any harm, or that it never even happened. Denying the reality of our childhood and allowing emotional wounds to remain unaddressed and unhealed leaves us unable to face life’s challenges in an adult manner. Our unhealed triggers and our wounded inner child keep us stuck, perceiving, feeling, and responding like a frightened child.
When we’ve done the work and progressed through the stages of Narcissism Awareness Grief to arrive at Acceptance, it feels as if a burden has been lifted. Suddenly we can see clearly. We are finally able to face ourselves and confront the reality of our past fully. It is as if blinders have been removed from our eyes; we can see our past; where we came from, who we were, who we are, and who we can be. And we’re not afraid or threatened by it. We have a sense of understanding and a new feeling of personal power. We know what to do, and we know we’ll be OK.
We feel a sense of gratitude for allowing ourselves to question those unsupportive inner voices and challenge them. Now, we no longer feel the need to push them away. Now, we can sit with them and observe. And as we watch, we see our story unfold. We write and talk about it. We acknowledge the courageous little child we were, faced with a childhood full of confusion, doubt, and shame, and we feel compassion for ourselves.
Healing Affirmations can help each stage of Narcissism, Awareness Grief, and afterward, set boundaries and replace codependent thinking and behavior with healthy ones.
What are Affirmations?
An affirmation is a simple positive statement made in the present tense. It impacts the conscious and the subconscious minds. By believing in a particular thought and saying it regularly, you begin to attract more positivity and higher vibrational people and things into your life.
The Law of Attraction is a viewpoint proposing that thinking positive thoughts bring about positive results, and negative thoughts bring negative ones. The theory is based on the belief that thoughts are a form of energy. So, positive thoughts attract positive energy; positivity, and success in health, finances, relationships, etc. As the “Law of Attraction” states, “like attracts like.”
“Healing” affirmations are positive statements about your well-being. They are based on the belief that your thoughts influence your physical and emotional health. The best news is that you don’t have to be sick to use healing affirmations!
Saying your affirmations to yourself is all about becoming your “authentic self.” You are more easily able to connect with your authentic self when your vibration is high. When we are not vibrating highly, unhealthy, unsupportive inner dialogue can remain our default way of life.
Positive affirmations work best when they are highly personal. They are a self-talk approach that creates a motivating outlook on life. Affirmations help you elevate your emotional vibration when you’re in a lower vibrational pattern feeling emotions like fear, worry, anxiety, doubt, or powerlessness. Using positive affirmations is one of the quickest ways you can raise your vibration. They are a powerful tool for manifestation and can lift your attitude at the same time.
As you continue to use your affirmations, your vibration will increase, and you’ll notice you feel lighter, happier, and more peaceful. You’ll begin to attain your goals, fulfill your desires, and attract the people and experiences you want.
How Affirmations Work
Affirmations remind us of who we are and who we want to be. They help us to create our most authentic selves and connect us with our higher selves.
The journey out of codependency means finding ourselves, discovering our true selves, our authentic selves, for the first time. When we are caught up in codependent behaviors, we don’t have an authentic self. In his book “Codependency, An Emerging Issue,” Robert Subby says that it results from household rules preventing the “open expression” of feelings. (Pompano Beach, FL, Health Communications Inc.,1984, pp. 34-44)
Listen to your intuition, and your inner voice before you begin writing affirmations. Let your inner compass direct the course of your life. What is your inner voice telling you? What do you need to work on? When we use affirmations, we honor ourselves, listening to our intuition and higher power to become our authentic selves.
Allow the journey to begin because you love yourself.
The Power of Optimism
Affirmations are written and designed to promote an optimistic mindset. Optimism is a powerful attitude! Affirmations have been shown to help reduce the tendency to dwell on negative experiences (Wiesenfeld et al., 2001.)
When we replace negative thoughts with positive statements, we create a whole new hopeful and flexible narrative around “who we are” and what we can accomplish.
There are three main ideas underlying self-affirmation theory, and correctly written affirmations work according to this theory:
First, by using positive affirmations, we can change our self-identity. Affirmations reinforce our newly created self-narrative; that we are flexible, moral, and capable of adapting to different conditions (Cohen & Sherman, 2014.)
Instead of viewing ourselves in a “fixed” or rigid way, for example, as “lazy” or “selfish,” when we are flexible, we can see ourselves as much more. We can adopt a wider range of “identities” and roles, which means we can define things like “success” differently. This means that we can view the various aspects of ourselves as positive and adapt to different situations more easily (Aronson, 1969.)
Second, self-affirmation theory maintains that self-identity is not about being exceptional, perfect, or excellent (Cohen & Sherman, 2014). Instead, to be moral, flexible, and good, we need to be competent and adequate in areas that we value (Steele, 1988.)
Third, we maintain our self-integrity by behaving in ways that genuinely deserve acknowledgment and praise. This means that we say an affirmation because we want to live that particular personal value.
What the Research Indicates
Affirmation research focuses on how individuals adapt to information or experiences that threaten their self-image. Claude Steele, a social psychologist and emeritus professor at Stanford University, promoted self-affirmation theory in the late 1980s (Steele, C. M. 1988, Cohen, G. L., & Sherman, D. K. 2007). Today, self-affirmation theory remains well-studied throughout social psychological research (Sherman, D. K., & Cohen, G. L., McQueen, A., & Klein, W. M. 2006).
Using self-affirmations can help us cope with threats or stress and can be beneficial for improving academic performance, health, and well-being. (Cohen, G. L., & Sherman, D. K. 2014).
Self-affirmation theory has led to research in neuroscience, investigating whether we can “see” how the brain changes using imaging technology when using positive affirmations.
MRI evidence suggests that specific neural pathways increase when we speak our affirmations (Cascio et al., 2016). The “ventromedial prefrontal cortex,” involved in positive valuation and self-related information processing, becomes more active when we speak positively about our values (Falk et al., 2015; Cascio et al., 2016).
Falk and her colleagues focused on how we process information about ourselves. They found that when we practice positive affirmations, we’re more able to perceive “otherwise-threatening information as more self-relevant and valuable” (2015: 1979). This can have several benefits.
Evidence suggests that using positive self-affirmations is beneficial. Here are six examples from the experiential research:
Positive affirmations have been shown to decrease health-related stress (Sherman et al., 2009; Critcher & Dunning, 2015.)
Positive affirmations have been used effectively in Positive Psychology Interventions (scientific tools and strategies used for increasing happiness, wellbeing, positive thinking, and emotions, (Keyes, Fredrickson, & Park, 2012.)
Positive affirmation may help change the perception of otherwise “threatening” messages (Logel & Cohen, 2012.)
Positive affirmation can help us set our intention to change for the better (Harris et al., 2007) and eat more fruit and vegetables (Epton & Harris, 2008.)
Positive affirmations have been positively linked to academic achievement by lessening GPA decline in students who feel left out at college (Layous et al., 2017.)
Positive affirmation has been demonstrated to lower stress (Koole et al., 1999; Weisenfeld et al., 2001.)
The Benefits
As we’ve seen, positive affirmations can provide health benefits by helping us to respond in a less defensive or resistant way when we perceive real or imagined threats. One study found that when using affirmations, smokers responded less dismissively to graphic cigarette packet warnings and conveyed the intention to change their behavior (Harris et al., 2007).
But more generally, using affirmations allows us to create an adaptive, broader self-concept, making us more resilient to life’s struggles. Whether it’s social pressure, health, or healing our trauma, a broader self-concept is an extremely helpful tool.
Mindfulness
When implementing any change, to be successful, you must be aware of the change you want to make throughout the day, every day. You must intentionally commit to making the change daily. We’ll talk more about intentions and intentionality later.
What do you want to change about yourself? Do you have characteristics that you criticize, judge, and scorn? Maybe you have habits or perceived shortcomings that you’d like to give up? Is there an aspect of your life that you want to develop? Your answers to questions like these can give you ideas about the kind of positive affirmations you could use.
Thoughts Become Things
Our subconscious minds accept repeated affirmations as truth, even when the affirmations are negative. Become aware of your negative thoughts.
We want to use positive affirmations to change the way we think. If they’re created with a high vibrational frequency, we are more able to attract the things we’ve always wanted but believed we couldn’t have.
But if you don’t write your affirmations correctly, it can be an absolute waste of time. The key to writing successful affirmations to achieve the life you want is to be confident that what you are saying will actually happen.
When you’ve learned how to write and use affirmations correctly, you can start manifesting your goals. It takes some practice and a bit of trial and error to figure out what works.
Short, Clear, Concrete, Positive and Present Tense
Affirmations that work the best are short, clear, concrete, positive, and in the present tense.
Use only a few words in your affirmations to make them easier to remember. To accomplish this, begin with a short phrase like:
I am…
I easily…
I joyfully…
I clearly see, hear, do…
I excitedly…
I look forward with joy to…
I look forward to the opportunity that______provides for______.
Your affirmations should be authentic, meaning that they feel doable and true. Our quantum self (our “self” at the molecular level) recognizes the truth contained within our affirmations.
The above affirmational statements are concrete. They are solid, assertive, for a reason. If you use words like “I feel,” it implies that your affirmation is temporary because feelings are temporary. Do you ever feel confident when you wear a certain item of clothing? What happens when you take it off? Do you see what I mean? The feeling of confidence may decrease or disappear altogether. When you say “I am,” it implies that it’s permanent, no matter the time, place, or situation. It says that you OWN IT.
Know What You Want
What is it that you want to achieve? What do you want to change about yourself?
Ask yourself questions to find a concrete answer to include in your affirmations. For instance:
“How can I _______________?” vs. “I can’t because ___________. “
Do you see the difference between these two approaches? Asking questions prompts your mind to start looking for concrete answers, consciously and unconsciously. Asking questions opens up possibilities. When you tell yourself you can’t, it stops your mind from considering solutions. It prevents new ideas from forming. You can see how this would not be a good approach for trying to change your thoughts, beliefs, and mindset. So ask the questions and write your answers. Write the first thing that comes to mind without censoring or editing. I recommend this because the first answer often comes from our higher self or intuition, and is the purest, and often a most concrete form of your answer.
Think about the goals you want to achieve, then write short statements that resonate with you.
Write them as if the desired outcome has already happened.
For more information on how to use Healing Affirmations to heal emotional abuse, read book #3 in the Lemon Moms Series, Life-Altering Affirmations: Change Your Self-talk, Change YourSELF, available on Amazon and wherever books are sold.
More resources to guide you in healing from childhood trauma, abuse, or neglect. Available on Amazon and wherever books are sold. (ebook, audiobook, hardcover, and paperback.)
Like these posts? Want them automatically delivered to your inbox twice monthly?
As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf has developed strong coping skills and healing strategies. She happily shares those insights with others who want to learn.
Her books and articles are the result of her education, knowledge, personal growth, and insight regarding her childhood experiences and subsequent recovery work.
Diane holds a Master of Science degree in Information Technology and a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology. She has worked in numerous fields including domestic violence and abuse and is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer about family dysfunction. Currently, she writes about recovery from narcissistic victim syndrome and symptoms of C-PTSD on The Toolbox and has authored three books in the “Lemon Moms” series. Visit her author’s website here.
She is no longer a practicing Social Worker, Counselor, Program Manager, or Advocate.
This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.
A lot of us do. Journaling is a great way to work through our problems, express emotions, and get our thoughts OUT and onto paper. It’s a terrific way to affirm, pay attention to, and really “hear” ourselves. If you’ve ever journaled and felt the sense of clarity or peace that comes from collecting your thoughts and expressing them in writing, maybe it’s time to try “expressive writing.”
Expressive writing is a bit different from just writing thoughts and activities in a journal. It is used as a way to deal with old or new traumatic events or memories. When using expressive writing, it is necessary to reflect on a specific challenge, traumatic experience, or memory in order to discover new meaning in the event.
Benefits of expressive writing
According to researcher Dr. James Pennebaker, a psychology professor at the University of Austin, Texas, people who use expressive writing to journal have improved mental and physical health.
Dr. Pennebaker pioneered a study of expressive writing as a coping mechanism for trauma. His, and hundreds of other studies have verified the benefits achieved by people suffering from PTSD, cancer, depression, and various other mental and physical ailments. This journaling technique was found to strengthen the immune system, reduce pain and inflammation, lower infection rate from colds or flu, and decrease depression symptoms. It can also improve memory, sleep quantity and quality, and attitude. It’s clear that there are many benefits associated with expressive writing!
How it works
Using expressive writing allows the writer to recognize a painful or traumatic experience and describe it as a problem to be solved. Doing this allows the writer to identify a particular problem and organize their thoughts and feelings, using written language to create the narrative. This process helps break the rumination cycle, which, in my experience, helps decrease or eliminate cognitive dissonance. Research shows that labeling our emotions actually calms the limbic system and the fight or flight response. (Look up “name it and tame it.”) The prefrontal cortex, which is in charge of executive functions, regains control, and a deeper meaning and understanding can be created around the memory or traumatic event. This leads the writer to feel a new sense of control and personal power regarding the traumatic event. The more we do this this type of journaling, the easier it gets.
When people become more comfortable thinking about and remembering a traumatic event, they are more able to share their feelings with others. Expressive writing may indirectly lead writers to seek emotional support, thereby accelerating the healing process.
As demonstrated in a 2006 study published in the Journal of Psychological Science, expressive writing can also improve relationships. The study found that when one partner wrote about their relationship in detail, both partners began using more positive language when texting each other. The relationship also lasted longer.
Don’t like to write?
If you don’t like journaling, you can still use expressive writing. Recording your thoughts has been shown to work just as well.
To use the technique, write without judgment, self-editing, or correcting spelling or grammatical mistakes. Just write it as you think or feel it. Write for 15 to 20 minutes for at least three consecutive days. Deep dive into your thoughts and feelings and write about them in detail when you do this.
I’m a big fan of journaling using expressive writing. I wrote the “Lemon Moms Companion Workbook” to supply the necessary prompts, questions and challenges to help you use expressive writing as one of your healing tools.
Conscious awareness: Be aware and make conscious choices before acting. Self-awareness releases us from making impulsive and potentially damaging decisions. Practice mindfulness.
More resources to guide you in healing from childhood trauma, abuse, or neglect. Available on Amazon and wherever books are sold. (ebook, audiobook, hardcover, and paperback.)
Like these posts? Want them automatically delivered to your inbox twice monthly?
As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf has developed strong coping skills and healing strategies. She happily shares those insights with others who want to learn.
Her books and articles are the result of her education, knowledge, personal growth, and insight regarding her childhood experiences and subsequent recovery work.
Diane holds a Master of Science degree in Information Technology and a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology. She has worked in numerous fields including domestic violence and abuse and is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer about family dysfunction. Currently, she writes about recovery from narcissistic victim syndrome and symptoms of C-PTSD on The Toolbox and has authored three books in the “Lemon Moms” series. Visit her author’s website here.
She is no longer a practicing Social Worker, Counselor, Program Manager, or Advocate.
This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.
I found these resources online when looking for support for myself and my loved ones. I checked these resources and thought I would share them here. This is by no means an exhaustive list and serves as an example of what you can find online if you are discerning.
I’m not affiliated with these organizations in any way nor do I personally or professionally endorse them.
“Need help? Know someone who does? If you, or someone you care about, are feeling overwhelmed with emotions like sadness, depression, or anxiety, or feel like you want to harm yourself or others: Visit the Disaster Distress Helpline-call 1-800-985-5990, or text TalkWithUs to 66746”
From the Anxiety and Depression Association of America
Quick Expert Tips and Strategies to Manage Coronavirus Anxiety – ADAA 5 minute Video – ADAA member Dr. Debra Kissen https://youtu.be/xP14-Pc56xU. ADAA also has free peer-to-peer support groups.
And last, but not least, here’s a great article from “Best Sleep Health”
How to sleep better if you have coronavirus-related anxiety or sleep disturbances.
More resources to guide you in healing from childhood trauma, abuse, or neglect. Available on Amazon and wherever books are sold. (ebook, audiobook, hardcover, and paperback.)
Like these posts? Want them automatically delivered to your inbox twice monthly?
As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf has developed strong coping skills and healing strategies. She happily shares those insights with others who want to learn.
Her books and articles are the result of her education, knowledge, personal growth, and insight regarding her childhood experiences and subsequent recovery work.
Diane holds a Master of Science degree in Information Technology and a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology. She has worked in numerous fields including domestic violence and abuse and is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer about family dysfunction. Currently, she writes about recovery from narcissistic victim syndrome and symptoms of C-PTSD on The Toolbox and has authored three books in the “Lemon Moms” series. Visit her author’s website here.
She is no longer a practicing Social Worker, Counselor, Program Manager, or Advocate.
This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.
When our basic needs aren’t met, we lose our ability to think rationally and logically. The acronym HALT stands for hungry, angry, lonely, and tired. When we stop and think of HALT, it can remind us to check in and see if we have any unmet needs before we react in any situation.
Applying the acronym HALT or The HALT Method to our lives is a way of setting a healthy boundary. It’s a reminder that we need to take care of our basic needs. When we go without food or sleep, or we isolate or don’t attend to stressors, it taxes our emotional limits.
Using HALT is a very simple way to alert us to pay attention to our own self-care. When we feel HALTed it means we need to give ourselves attention. Feeling HALTed means that we should stop what we’re doing and come back to it only after we’ve taken care of the unmet need.
The effects of self-neglect
If we ignore our need to eat, deal with anger, be with people or sleep, we create an unhealthy emotional environment for ourselves where it’s impossible to thrive. When we’re in that unhealthy emotional environment, we may think negatively, have a sour outlook, fail to see obvious choices, make poor decisions, forget, withdraw, push people away, or stop socializing. We may stop enforcing our personal boundaries or lapse back into codependent behaviors. Neglecting ourselves in order to take care of someone who’s capable of their own self-care can make us ill. We need to pay attention to what our bodies are telling us and then redirect the focus back to ourselves.
Using the acronym HALT is an excellent way to check in with ourselves. Redirecting our focus, paying attention to and meeting our own needs are necessary steps to take when learning to break free from codependency.
When we neglect ourselves, we’re not able to participate in our lives fully. When we let ourselves get run-down, we no longer have the ability to think clearly and so it isn’t possible to make good decisions.
Why self-care is essential
When we learn to take care of ourselves, life feels better. When we make the effort to take care of our needs because we feel worthy of taking care of ourselves, our self-esteem improves. Our beliefs about what we should hang onto, and what we should let go of, start to change, and we start setting healthy boundaries. We start to understand what’s our responsibility and what’s not. Part of the process is having a quick and easy way of checking- in to see what we need and then giving it to ourselves.
Remember that airline mandate about putting on your own oxygen mask before attempting to help others with theirs? In the same spirit, ensure that your self-care commitments are at least as important to you as someone else’s would be. If you don’t take care of you, then who will? No one is capable of caring more about you than you are!
Hungry
Hunger is a sign that we are lacking or in need of something physical or emotional hunger. Are we hungry for food? Ask yourself: Is my stomach growling? Am I irritable or lightheaded? When was the last time I ate? Physical hunger is associated with food, diet, and nutrition, which are undeniably important aspects of our overall health.
We are worthy people who require nourishing food in order to be well and thrive. Let’s treat ourselves with kindness. Take a look at how and what you’re eating and see if there’s room for improvement.
Maybe we’re feeling emotional hunger. Ask yourself: Am I craving attention, validation, affection, or affirmation? Stop and do a quick self-assessment to figure out what you need. If it’s validation, validate yourself. If it’s affirmation, affirm yourself. If it’s attention or affection, find ways to give those to yourself.
Angry
When we’re angry, our brain is flooded with chemicals meant to activate our “fight or flight” response. So if we’re feeling angry, it’s easy to overreact and our behavior will almost certainly be out of proportion to the actual event that triggered it.
Anger is a secondary emotion, meaning that there is always an emotion that we feel first, for a fraction of a second. It’s that first (primary) emotion that triggers the anger.
So when we’re angry, it’s important to stop and figure out not only what triggered the anger, but what the primary emotion was in the first place.
For example:
Let’s say that you suddenly find yourself angry because you feel disrespected. If you look closely enough, you may find that the first trigger was a spoken message. Someone just said words to you that started the whole thing. Those words caused (“triggered”) an emotionally sensitive belief to re-surface, a belief like “I’m not good enough“ or “I’m not important.”
The “I’m not good enough/I’m not important” belief is loaded with feelings that were the first emotions that you felt for just a split-second. Those feelings triggered the anger.
To summarize:
The first trigger was spoken words.
The second trigger was feeling “not good enough/not important”.
“Not good enough/not important” triggered the anger. The words that were spoken to you did not trigger your anger.
It’s really fascinating, isn’t it?
Stories
The “not good enough/I’m not important“ beliefs are stories we repeatedly tell ourselves. We have LOTS of stories. They’re often on autoplay! We can catch ourselves when we start hearing those narratives and turn them off. We CAN learn to control what we tell ourselves! We’ll definitely talk more about that in the future. For now, try to start looking deeper when you get angry. See if you can find the primary emotion and the trigger that caused it. Start making a list of your triggers! You’ll learn some interesting things about yourself and you’ll start seeing patterns. Eventually, you’ll be able to devise a strategy to use when the triggers present themselves again in the future.
Lonely
When we feel lonely it’s often because we feel like we don’t fit in or belong, or we think that people won’t accept us, or understand us or our current situation. Sometimes it’s because we’ve withdrawn from the fear of being criticized or judged, or even worse, rejected.
Loneliness leads to isolation and isolation is often a maladaptive coping mechanism. Trying to fix loneliness by using self-destructive behaviors like drinking, binge eating, shopping, or gambling doesn’t solve the problem. Those behaviors will just create new problems.
The cure for isolation (and loneliness) is to be willing to be vulnerable and reach out to others to make a connection.
When we’re tired or sleepy, we’re extremely vulnerable to making poor choices because our brains aren’t functioning optimally. Maintaining healthy sleep cycles and routines are essential for both physical and mental health.
When we’re sleep-deprived for whatever reason, it’s not the time for making decisions or having important conversations. If you find yourself tired and you have an important meeting to attend or an important decision to make, postpone it if possible until you’re better-rested.
In a nutshell:
Using the acronym HALT or The HALT Method is a simple (but not always easy) way to foster mindfulness and self-awareness. Both mindfulness and self-awareness are vital to insight and personal growth, and personal growth allows us to live a happier and more fulfilling life.
Try using The HALT Method to foster better self-awareness and to remind yourself to practice good self-care.
Tools:
HALT: Checkin with yourself to see if you’re Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired. Give yourself what you need.
Conscious awareness: Be aware and make conscious choices before acting. Self-awareness releases us from making impulsive and potentially damaging decisions.
Progress not perfection: Let’s give ourselves credit and just enjoy being human! No one is perfect. People just like to pretend they are.
I’m in control of me. We can only choose to focus on and be responsible for ourselves, our own thoughts, actions, and behavior. The good news is that we can change ourselves with patience, persistence, and practice. We can take responsibility for getting our needs met, instead of waiting for someone to change or meet our needs for us. We are in control of ourselves and no one is responsible for us but us.
More resources to guide you in healing from childhood trauma, abuse, or neglect. Available on Amazon and wherever books are sold. (ebook, audiobook, hardcover, and paperback.)
Like these posts? Want them automatically delivered to your inbox twice monthly?
As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf has developed strong coping skills and healing strategies. She happily shares those insights with others who want to learn.
Her books and articles are the result of her education, knowledge, personal growth, and insight regarding her childhood experiences and subsequent recovery work.
Diane holds a Master of Science degree in Information Technology and a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology. She has worked in numerous fields including domestic violence and abuse and is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer about family dysfunction. Currently, she writes about recovery from narcissistic victim syndrome and symptoms of C-PTSD on The Toolbox and has authored three books in the “Lemon Moms” series. Visit her author’s website here.
She is no longer a practicing Social Worker, Counselor, Program Manager, or Advocate.
This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.
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