Negative and Unsupportive

In talking about affirmations, you might be more familiar with the negative types; those hurtful, unkind, and destructive things we tell ourselves. They are unsupportive inner dialogues that run in the background of our thoughts. We hear them as that little voice that whispers, “you’re too fat to be wearing that,” or “none of these people care about what you think,” or “you’re not smart enough to do that.” Those negative affirmations can do a lot of harm to our self-confidence and self-esteem. It’s time to replace them. Let’s kick the negativity out altogether. When we’re on a path of self-discovery, recovery, and moving forward, negative self-talk has no place in our lives.

If we grew up surrounded by dysfunction, especially in a narcissistic home, we got the message that we couldn’t do anything right, weren’t good enough, or didn’t matter. If we had a narcissistic mother, her words and behavior cut us deeply, like emotional knives. And long after we left home, that cruel, critical, internalized voice stayed with us.

We may try convincing ourselves that we’re over-reacting, that no harm was done, or that those painful memories we keep experiencing never really happened (self-gaslighting.) However, denying the reality of a painful childhood and allowing emotional wounds to remain unhealed leaves us unprepared for life’s challenges as adults. Our unhealed triggers and wounded inner child can keep us stuck perceiving, feeling, and responding like frightened children.

Two Powerful Words

Positive, healing affirmations remind us of who we are when we are living as our authentic selves. Affirmations remind us of who we are when we are living as our true selves. By following our intuition, and writing and speaking positive affirmations, we begin to honor and eventually become our authentic selves and create our best lives possible. We become our best ”I Am.”

Affirmations are designed to promote an optimistic mindset; they have been shown to reduce the tendency to dwell on negative experiences (Wiesenfeld et al., 2001.) Optimism is powerful! When we replace negative thoughts with positive ones, we create a whole new mindset and perspective about “who we are” and what we can accomplish.

The Work

Using strong positive affirmations helps with boundary setting, feeling safe, improving self-trust and self-esteem, increasing self-confidence and personal empowerment, and healing C-PTSD symptoms.

Positive Affirmations vs. Codependency

Positive affirmations are the opposite of codependency. By speaking positive affirmations, we are reminded that we are powerful, that we matter, that we are worthy and that we already have the answers we seek. When we stand in this truth, our truth, we feel this. We know this.

If we don’t frequently remind ourselves of who we are as our best selves we can easily slip into living on others’ terms and lose our identities. We can quickly become other-focused and work to become what someone else wants us to be. This loss of self is at the core of codependency, (aka enabling and people-pleasing.)

I’ve heard it said that “damnation is the discontinuation of growth and development.” We may not know where we’re going, but let’s not go back to where we’ve been. Instead, keep growing, keep learning, keep moving forward, keep healing. Learn to trust the ebb and flow of life and, most importantly, in yourself.

Here are some healing affirmations from my book, Lemon Moms Life-altering Affirmations: Change Your Self-talk, Change YourSELF. They were specifically written for those who are in a relationship with someone who has narcissistic traits, but they can be useful to anyone who needs them. Many of them help diminish codependent thinking and behaving.

These affirmations will help if you’re: healing from narcissistic or abusive interactions, progressing through Narcissism Awareness Grief, experiencing Narcissism Victim Syndrome, at any phase in the cycle of abuse, or living with someone who has distorted thinking or mental illness. Some affirmations are repeated in more than one category because they apply to more than one.

I sincerely wish you healing and peace.

If you’re interested in Lemon Moms Life-Altering Affirmations: Change Your Self-talk, Change YourSELF– it’s sold everywhere, including Audible, Amazon Kindle, Amazon paperback, B&N Nook, B&N paperback, GOOGLE PLAY, APPLE

Healing Affirmations

For Calming Fight or Flight (Affirmations to help deal with hypervigilance)

• I have confidence in myself.
• The past is over. I happily focus on the present moment, feeling empowered.
• I acknowledge and protect my personal power.
• I am safe.
• I hear, affirm, comfort, and validate my inner child.
• I trust my mind.
• I trust my decisions.
• My self-talk is strictly positive.
• I trust my senses of sight, hearing, smell, taste, and touch.
• I am whole.
• I can, and I will.
• I heal more every day.
• I am in control of what I think and how I feel.
• I am a survivor and healed warrior. 
• Today I give myself the freedom to make an error and know that it does not affect my worth as a human being.
• I release old habits and practice new ones.
• I let go of controlling or manipulating others.
• I know and trust my own mind.

For Working Through Narcissism Awareness Grief (Affirmations to help deal with feelings of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, rewriting, acceptance)

• I always mattered, but my mother couldn’t see it or acknowledge it.
• I am in charge. Today’s thoughts create my future.
• I hear, affirm, comfort, and validate my inner child.
• This is stressful, so I take extra good care of myself today.
• I stay in the present and focus on one day at a time.
• I let myself rest without judgment.
• I am kind and gentle with myself.
• Today I honor and cherish my inner child, who was blameless then and now.
• Now is the time to step into my power.
• I am loved, loving and lovable.
• I can do hard things.
• When I have a problem, I focus on solutions.
• I am naturally relaxed and confident.
• I am safe and secure.
• I am emotionally and physically strong.
• I allow peace into my life.
• I effectively communicate my needs and desires.
• I accept that others love the best they can and may be limited in their ability to express love.
• I am centered and focused.
• I am unaffected by the desires of others

To Feel Accepted (Affirmations to help deal with being scapegoated and rejected)

• I use my voice, and I am heard.
• Only I can determine my self-worth.
• I let go of the need for others to validate me.
• I value myself.
• I am human. It’s OK to be imperfect.
• I focus on what I can control, and I release the rest.
• I make healthy choices for myself.
• I ask for help when I am struggling.
• I allow others to live their lives and release the need to worry or control.
• I am stronger than I thought.
• I lean on others for support, and I am lovingly supported.
• I find something for which to be grateful every day.
• I am loving, intelligent, and creative, and I make positive changes in my life.
• I am a survivor and healed warrior. 
• I deserve good things in life.
• My relationships are respectful and peaceful.
• I release old habits and practice new ones.
• I am connected with my authentic self.
• I express myself confidently.
• I hear my intuition and inner wisdom, and I listen.
• I am well and worthy. 
• I know and trust my own mind.
• My boundaries are a form of self-love.
• Only I can determine my self-worth.

To Heal Betrayal Wounds (Affirmations to help deal with narcissistic dishonesty and lies)

• I use my voice, and I am heard.
• I let go of the need for others to validate me.
• Only I can determine my self-worth.
• I listen when my heart talks to me.
• I reaffirm for myself that I am on the right path.
• I happily focus on the present moment, feeling empowered.
• I focus on what I can control, and I release the rest.
• I lean on others for support, and I am lovingly supported.
• I value myself.
• I rely on my higher power for strength and guidance.
• I easily dial-up my confidence anytime I want.
• I acknowledge the things that I like about myself and add to that list regularly.
• I am resilient.
• I am unaffected by other’s negativity.
• I see the good things in myself.
• When I feel overwhelmed, I choose healthy ways to cope.
• I am intelligent and use my mind to make my life better.
• I am a caring person, and people care about me.
• I have strong intuition, and I trust it even if I don’t like what it tells me.
• When I see red flags occurring in people or relationships, I pay attention to them and respond accordingly.
• I ask for clarification when I am confused.

To Heal Shame (Affirmations to help deal with feeling ashamed)

• I am worthy of love, happiness, and fulfillment.
• Only I can determine my self-worth.
• I have everything I need to be successful.
• I am strong and resilient.
• I am complete and whole.
• I embrace change. I am the author of my story.
• I embrace my new life even when it makes others uncomfortable.
• I hear, affirm, comfort, and validate my inner child.
• I allow without judgment.
• I focus on what I can control, and I release the rest.
• Everything is working for my highest good.
• I belong. I know that I am safe.
• I have everything I need. I am safe. I am loved.
• I feel safe wherever I am.
• I give my time and energy to those who deserve it.

Tools for Healing:

Learn why what you tell yourself matters

Learn how to protect yourself with boundaries 

Learn about the narcissistic abuse cycle

Learn about dysfunctional family roles

More Resources You May Like:

I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self

A Workbook and Journal

How to write the highest vibrating, most powerful affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things

Sold worldwide in any bookstore.

Quick links:

Barnes and Noble

Amazon

Walmart

Author Site

Join the Free Email Survival Course:

Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward

from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.

Private Facebook group included for members only.

There’s an app for that!

Get THE TOOLBOX APP

for instant information, support, and validation!

The Lemon Moms Series:

B&N

Kindle

Audible

Amazon

Nook

Google

Apple

Available formats: eBook, audiobook, hardcover, paperback, and large print too!

Get the TOOLBOX articles twice monthly to your inbox!

About the Author

As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping skills and healing strategies for herself. She happily shares those with others who want to learn and grow. 

Her Lemon Moms series and other books and articles are a combination of her education, knowledge, personal growth, and insight from her childhood experiences and subsequent recovery work.

Diane holds a Master of Science degree in Information Technology and a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology. She’s worked in numerous fields, including domestic violence and abuse, and is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer about family dysfunction. On The Toolbox, she writes about recovery strategies from hurtful people and painful, dysfunctional, or toxic relationships. She has authored four transformational books about healing and moving forward from narcissistic Victim Syndrome.

Visit her author’s site here: DianeMetcalf.com

Learn about the Lemon Moms series here: Lemon Moms

This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

Positive affirmations are a “self-talk approach” for creating a positive, motivating outlook on life while becoming your authentic self. We are more easily able to connect with our authentic selves when our vibrations are high. Unfortunately, unhealthy, unsupportive inner dialogue can remain our default mode when we are not vibrating highly.

But what is a vibration? How do you know if you are vibrating highly or not? Well, everything has a vibrational frequency. Quantum physics can illustrate this, but all that’s really required is remembering the basics.

Remember learning about atoms and molecules in school? Atoms and molecules come together to create matter as solids, liquids, or gases. Atoms, the smallest indivisible units of matter, are made of energy and are constantly vibrating. Since atoms are made of vibrating energy, and all matter is made of atoms, all matter is made of energy, and all matter is vibrating. You don’t have to see vibrations to know they’re there. Have you ever walked into a room and felt its vibe? If you have, you’ve intuitively sensed whether the people in the room were getting along, were uncomfortable, excited, sad, or happy. When you walk into a room, and it “feels” a certain way, you’ve picked up on its vibration. And when you meet a person and immediately feel connected, it’s because you are most likely vibrating similarly!

Our vibrations are continually changing, shifting with our moods, health, and according to the energy that surrounds us.

We can choose whether we would like to vibrate higher or lower than our current state of being. When you vibrate at a lower frequency, it feels heavy, and when you’re vibrating at a higher frequency, you feel lighter, at ease, happy, and at peace. Vibrating at a higher frequency feels good! Focusing on that which brings us joy and happiness raises our vibrational frequency, and when we get ourselves into a higher vibration, we let go of that which no longer serves us.

When you begin releasing everything that weighs you down to maintain a higher frequency or vibration, you will experience more positive emotions. Feeling good will be your default state of being.

To help you better understand how your feelings vibrate, Abraham-Hicks has created the “emotional guidance scale” below. The feelings listed are ranked from highest to lowest vibrating. They give an idea of how you might be vibrating at any given time:

• Joy/apprehension/empowerment/freedom/love
• Passion
• Enthusiasm/eagerness/happiness
• Positive expectations/belief
• Optimism
• Hopefulness
• Contentment
• Boredom
• Pessimism
• Frustration/irritation/impatience
• Overwhelm
• Disappointment
• Doubt
• Worry
• Blame
• Discouragement
• Anger
• Revenge
• Hatred/rage
• Jealousy
• Insecurity/guilt/unworthiness
• Fear/grief/depression/despair/powerlessness

Affirmations raise your vibration when you’re stuck in a low vibrational pattern like fear, worry, anxiety, doubt, and powerlessness. They are a powerful tool for manifesting change and lifting your attitude at the same time. Speaking positive affirmations is one of the quickest ways to raise your vibration!

As you continue to use affirmations, your vibration will increase, and you’ll notice that you feel happier and more peaceful.  You’ll begin to attain your goals, fulfill your desires, and attract the people and experiences you want.

Let’s Get High

When we hold highly vibrating thoughts, feelings and behaviors, we naturally start to vibrate accordingly. When we vibrate at a higher frequency, we feel a sense of peace and connectedness to everything. We worry less because we’re confident, knowing everything in life is as it should be, and getting better in every way.

By speaking affirmations every day, you’ll become consciously aware of your thoughts, attitudes, choices, and behaviors. You’ll notice where changes are happening and where changes still need to happen. You’ll feel more positive energy, and you’ll attract more positivity in the form of people and opportunities.

Additional benefits:

Mindfulness

When implementing any change, you must be aware of the change you want to make throughout the day, every day, for it to be successful. You must intentionally commit to making the change every day.

What do you want to change about yourself? Do you have personality traits or characteristics that you don’t like, criticize, judge, or loathe? Maybe you have habits or perceived shortcomings that you’d like to give up?  Is there an aspect of your life that you want to develop? Your answers to questions like these can give you ideas about the kinds of positive affirmations that you can create.

Thoughts Become Things

When we hold low vibrational thoughts and beliefs, we lower our vibration, inevitably hampering our affirmation’s likelihood of success. This is because our subconscious minds accept any repeated declaration as truth, even when these affirmations are negative. Be aware of your negative thoughts.

We use affirmations to change the way we think about ourselves. Affirmations remind us of our highest potential, and our vibrational frequency must increase to match that potential. You must raise your vibration to align with your goals when you’re manifesting your best life.

We know that affirmations are more likely to work when they vibrate highly. That’s because highly vibrating affirmations attract what we’ve always wanted but believed we couldn’t have. If your affirmations don’t vibrate highly, rewrite them.

When you’ve learned how to write and use affirmations correctly, you will start manifesting your goals. As your vibration increases, you’ll become aware of your daily thoughts and practices, and you’ll begin living in alignment with the life you’re trying to create.

As you write and speak your affirmations, focus on gratitude, love (including self-love), optimism, and spiritual guidance. This practice will further increase your vibrational frequency.

After you write an affirmation, take a look at it, say it, and see how it feels. It should vibrate highly. Keep working on it until it does.

To achieve the life you want, you will need to write robust, highly vibrating affirmations, and believe these declarations to already be true. If you don’t write your affirmations correctly, saying them can be an absolute waste of time. Find out more about how to write affirmations that work in Lemon Moms Life-Altering Affirmations: Change your self-talk, change yourSELF

More tools for healing:

Learn about dysfunctional family roles

Learn about codependency 

Learn coping skills for the holidays and family visits

Learn why what you tell yourself matters

Learn why verbal abuse hurts us

Learn how to protect yourself with boundaries 

Learn about the narcissistic abuse cycle

Learn about Narcissism Awareness Grief

More Resources You May Like:

I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self

A Workbook and Journal

How to write the highest vibrating, most powerful affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things

Sold worldwide in any bookstore.

Quick links:

Barnes and Noble

Amazon

Walmart

Author Site

Join the Free Email Survival Course:

Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward

from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.

Private Facebook group included for members only.

There’s an app for that!

Get THE TOOLBOX APP

for instant information, support, and validation!

The Lemon Moms Series:

B&N

Kindle

Audible

Amazon

Nook

Google

Apple

Available formats: eBook, audiobook, hardcover, paperback, and large print too!

Get the TOOLBOX articles twice monthly to your inbox!

About the Author

As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping skills and healing strategies for herself. She happily shares those with others who want to learn and grow. 

Her Lemon Moms series and other books and articles are a combination of her education, knowledge, personal growth, and insight from her childhood experiences and subsequent recovery work.

Diane holds a Master of Science degree in Information Technology and a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology. She’s worked in numerous fields, including domestic violence and abuse, and is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer about family dysfunction. On The Toolbox, she writes about recovery strategies from hurtful people and painful, dysfunctional, or toxic relationships. She has authored four transformational books about healing and moving forward from narcissistic Victim Syndrome.

Visit her author’s site here: DianeMetcalf.com

Learn about the Lemon Moms series here: Lemon Moms

This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

Do you tell yourself, “I’m just _______,” or “I’ve just always been this way,” or “that’s just how I’ve always been”? I have a couple of things to say about these types of comments: first, stop using the word “just.” When you add “just,” it implies that what you’re saying has low significance. It sounds apologetic and meek. Don’t believe me? Take the word “just” out of your self-talk. Say it with and without the word “just.” Do you see how it feels different? Are you more confident? Empowered? Serious? You tell me.

Unconscious Commands

And what we say to ourselves isn’t only a description of what we believe about ourselves; it is a command. Your self-talk TELLS your mind what to think about you! When you tell yourself, “this is just who I am,” “I’ve always been _______,” or “I’ve always done ______,” it implies that there’s no room for change. These statements tell your brain, “this is it. This is final. There is no more.” Why would you want to do that? Chances are, you don’t know you’re doing it, and this is where self-awareness comes in. Start becoming aware of how you speak to yourself and the words that you use. Notice and take note for future reference.

Now, give yourself a break. You’re a human being, and no human being has ever been or will ever be perfect. Perfection doesn’t exist. Instead of comparing yourself to a non-existent standard, try focusing on your progress.

Results happen over time. Making positive life change is about progress, not perfection. Encourage yourself the way you’d encourage your friend or a small child. Tell yourself, “You’ve got this!” and eventually, you will get it! Be patient with yourself. It takes time to learn new things. Treating yourself with kindness, patience, and compassion does a lot towards reparenting yourself and healing your inner child too.

Action Time

Thinking about and remembering what happened in our childhoods doesn’t promote healing. That’s where many of us get stuck. Recovery requires more than reading, educating ourselves, and revisiting old memories. It requires action: getting in touch with our feelings, prioritizing self-care, dumping limiting beliefs, learning to set boundaries and enforce them, learning new ways of communicating, increasing self-esteem and self-confidence, doing inner child and reparenting work, and emotionally detaching.

It means doing the work, and I believe it begins with changing our unconscious, negative self-talk.

More tools for healing:

Learn to set boundaries 

Learn about dysfunctional family roles

Understand trauma bonds

Learn about codependency and maladaptive coping skills

Understand the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle

More Resources You May Like:

I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self

A Workbook and Journal

How to write the highest vibrating, most powerful affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things

Sold worldwide in any bookstore.

Quick links:

Barnes and Noble

Amazon

Walmart

Author Site

Join the Free Email Survival Course:

Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward

from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.

Private Facebook group included for members only.

There’s an app for that!

Get THE TOOLBOX APP

for instant information, support, and validation!

The Lemon Moms Series:

B&N

Kindle

Audible

Amazon

Nook

Google

Apple

Available formats: eBook, audiobook, hardcover, paperback, and large print too!

Get the TOOLBOX articles twice monthly to your inbox!

About the Author

As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping skills and healing strategies for herself. She happily shares those with others who want to learn and grow. 

Her Lemon Moms series and other books and articles are a combination of her education, knowledge, personal growth, and insight from her childhood experiences and subsequent recovery work.

Diane holds a Master of Science degree in Information Technology and a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology. She’s worked in numerous fields, including domestic violence and abuse, and is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer about family dysfunction. On The Toolbox, she writes about recovery strategies from hurtful people and painful, dysfunctional, or toxic relationships. She has authored four transformational books about healing and moving forward from narcissistic Victim Syndrome.

Visit her author’s site here: DianeMetcalf.com

Learn about the Lemon Moms series here: Lemon Moms

This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

For decades I struggled physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally with the realization that I had a mother who chose solely minimal involvement with me since I was a child. She was often hurtful, spiteful, and mean-spirited. The continual emotional abandonment that I felt during those years was real. Throughout, I continually longed for and chased after her ever-withheld love, affection, and acceptance. I felt like I was lost in the woods, wandering a deep, dark, dangerous forest, unable to find my way home for so very long. Subsequently, I mourned the loss of my mother decades ago when she was very much alive. There are no more tears left to shed.

When I was able to accept that I was only as valuable to my mother as the things I could do or provide for her, I began to deal with the core problem: my codependency. Finally, I found the path and began reversing the codependent thoughts and behaviors. It literally changed everything.

If you’ve read my book Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism, you already know that my mother had many narcissistic traits. Among other types of controlling behavior, she often used fear of abandonment to manipulate me as a child. She threatened to give me away to strangers, put me in an orphanage, or send me to live with my father, whom she repeatedly said: “didn’t love us or want anything to do with us.”

And so, because I didn’t want to lose my home, I lived in constant fear of doing the “right thing,” whatever the right thing was at any particular time. “The right thing” could and did change without warning, so I needed to remain constantly alert for changes in her tone of voice, behavior, and in our overall home environment. As a result, I learned to continually take her “emotional temperature” to keep myself safe.

My mom parented by blaming, shaming, intimidating, threatening, and physically punishing. In the earliest years, I learned that I was somehow to blame for everything that displeased her. Second-guessing and doubting myself became a way of life. I felt like a burden, believing that I made her life harder simply because I existed. I stayed out of her way as much as possible.

I felt lonely and alone because there was no one to talk with about this way of life. Most of the people I knew were only able to see my mother’s public “false face,” and so they thought she was a wonderful mother and human being. Only those of us who lived with her saw both faces, the real and the false. Only those of us who lived with her experienced her true self.

Words Matter

My mother shared her thoughts and feelings with me in frightening, highly emotionally charged, biased, and inappropriate ways when I was a young child. Gaslighting and the resulting cognitive dissonance distorted my perceptions and reality. Her behavior initiated my codependency, and her words guaranteed it.

There were no boundaries in our home, but there was lots of name-calling, invalidation, uncommunicated expectations, and neglect. I stayed up as late as I wanted. I was expected to care for my younger siblings and was blamed and sometimes punished for their misbehavior.

I was not allowed to openly express feelings, ask questions, or show initiative or curiosity. My emotions were discounted, minimized, or invalidated. Asking questions or taking action meant I was challenging my mother, and that was not tolerated. She rewrote my memories, and I was expected to believe her version. I was to obey, stay quiet and not question.

My mom called me hurtful names and obscenities, and at times, as a form of punishment, she ignored me, not speaking to me for days, weeks, or even months.

Awakening

Reading, researching, and working with various therapists eventually led me into Narcissism Awareness Grief, a term coined by Dr. Christine Hammond. Narcissism Awareness Grief begins when you become aware of someone’s narcissistic traits and realize how they have negatively impacted you. Using this new lens; looking at my past in terms of my mother’s narcissistic traits, I re-examined my childhood experiences. I saw how those long ago, unhealed traumatic incidents affected my current adult relationships. I set out to learn the things I should have learned as a child, like how to trust, validate and affirm myself. Like how to calm my nervous system, and stop the hypervigilance. I discovered and learned how to control my triggers. I healed my cognitive dissonance, and C-PTSD symptoms, and taught my inner child to trust. I replaced codependent coping and thinking with healthy coping and thinking. In the process, I discovered and uncovered my true, authentic self. I found my voice and began to finally speak my truth without feeling shame. I felt whole and worthy for the first time in my life.

So as I come to terms with the finality of my mother’s death and the end of our painful relationship, I find myself feeling grateful for my recovery work, my therapists and teachers, my inner child, my higher power, and especially my authentic self. I know she will always be truthful, supportive, validating, and affirming. She will always have my back.

I’m here. I’m alive. I’m grateful. I’m ready.

Tools:

Learn about dysfunctional family roles

Understand the Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse

Learn about setting boundaries 

Learn about codependency and maladaptive coping skills

Learn about Narcissism Awareness Grief

Let go of what you can’t control using loving-detachment

Learn about expectations

Conscious awareness:  Be aware and make conscious choices before acting. Self-awareness releases us from making impulsive and potentially damaging decisions.

Self-care: We are in control of ourselves and no one is responsible for us but us. We can only choose to focus on and be responsible for ourselves, our own thoughts, actions, and behavior. We can change ourselves with patience, persistence, and practice. When we take responsibility for getting our needs met, instead of waiting for someone to change or meet our needs for us, we are healing.

More Resources You May Like:

I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self

A Workbook and Journal

How to write the highest vibrating, most powerful affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things

Sold worldwide in any bookstore.

Quick links:

Barnes and Noble

Amazon

Walmart

Author Site

Join the Free Email Survival Course:

Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward

from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.

Private Facebook group included for members only.

There’s an app for that!

Get THE TOOLBOX APP

for instant information, support, and validation!

The Lemon Moms Series:

B&N

Kindle

Audible

Amazon

Nook

Google

Apple

Available formats: eBook, audiobook, hardcover, paperback, and large print too!

Get the TOOLBOX articles twice monthly to your inbox!

About the Author

As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping skills and healing strategies for herself. She happily shares those with others who want to learn and grow. 

Her Lemon Moms series and other books and articles are a combination of her education, knowledge, personal growth, and insight from her childhood experiences and subsequent recovery work.

Diane holds a Master of Science degree in Information Technology and a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology. She’s worked in numerous fields, including domestic violence and abuse, and is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer about family dysfunction. On The Toolbox, she writes about recovery strategies from hurtful people and painful, dysfunctional, or toxic relationships. She has authored four transformational books about healing and moving forward from narcissistic Victim Syndrome.

Visit her author’s site here: DianeMetcalf.com

Learn about the Lemon Moms series here: Lemon Moms

This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

What are Affirmations?

An affirmation is a simple positive statement made in the present tense. It impacts the conscious and the subconscious minds. By believing in a particular thought and saying it regularly, you begin to attract more positivity and higher vibrational people and things into your life.

The Law of Attraction is a viewpoint proposing that thinking positive thoughts bring about positive results, and negative thoughts bring negative ones. The theory is based on the belief that thoughts are a form of energy. So, positive thoughts attract positive energy; positivity, and success in health, finances, relationships, etc. As the “Law of Attraction” states, “like attracts like.”

“Healing” affirmations are positive statements about your well-being. They are based on the belief that your thoughts influence your physical and emotional health. The best news is that you don’t have to be sick to use healing affirmations!

Saying your affirmations to yourself is all about becoming your “authentic self.” You are more easily able to connect with your authentic self when your vibration is high. When we are not vibrating highly, unhealthy, unsupportive inner dialogue can remain our default way of life.

Positive affirmations work best when they are highly personal. They are a self-talk approach that creates a motivating outlook on life. Affirmations help you elevate your emotional vibration when you’re in a lower vibrational pattern feeling emotions like fear, worry, anxiety, doubt, or powerlessness. Using positive affirmations is one of the quickest ways you can raise your vibration. They are a powerful tool for manifestation and can lift your attitude at the same time.

As you continue to use your affirmations, your vibration will increase, and you’ll notice you feel lighter, happier, and more peaceful.  You’ll begin to attain your goals, fulfill your desires, and attract the people and experiences you want.

How Affirmations Work

Affirmations remind us of who we are and who we want to be. They help us to create our most authentic selves and connect us with our higher selves.

The journey out of codependency means finding ourselves, discovering our true selves, our authentic selves, for the first time. When we are caught up in codependent behaviors, we don’t have an authentic self. In his book “Codependency, An Emerging Issue,” Robert Subby says that it results from household rules preventing the “open expression” of feelings. (Pompano Beach, FL, Health Communications Inc.,1984, pp. 34-44)

Listen to your intuition, and your inner voice before you begin writing affirmations. Let your inner compass direct the course of your life. What is your inner voice telling you? What do you need to work on? When we use affirmations, we honor ourselves, listening to our intuition and higher power to become our authentic selves.

Allow the journey to begin because you love yourself.

The Power of Optimism

Affirmations are written and designed to promote an optimistic mindset. Optimism is a powerful attitude! Affirmations have been shown to help reduce the tendency to dwell on negative experiences (Wiesenfeld et al., 2001.)

When we replace negative thoughts with positive statements, we create a  whole new hopeful and flexible narrative around “who we are” and what we can accomplish.

There are three main ideas underlying self-affirmation theory, and correctly written affirmations work according to this theory:

First, by using positive affirmations, we can change our self-identity. Affirmations reinforce our newly created  self-narrative; that we are flexible, moral, and capable of adapting to different conditions (Cohen & Sherman, 2014.)

Instead of viewing ourselves in a “fixed” or rigid way, for example, as “lazy” or “selfish,” when we are flexible, we can see ourselves as much more. We can adopt a wider range of “identities” and roles, which means we can define things like “success” differently. This means that we can view the various aspects of ourselves as positive and adapt to different situations more easily (Aronson, 1969.)

Second, self-affirmation theory maintains that self-identity is not about being exceptional, perfect, or excellent (Cohen & Sherman, 2014). Instead, to be moral, flexible, and good, we need to be competent and adequate in areas that we value  (Steele, 1988.)

Third, we maintain our self-integrity by behaving in ways that genuinely deserve acknowledgment and praise. This means that we say an affirmation because we want to live that particular personal value.

What the Research Indicates

Affirmation research focuses on how individuals adapt to information or experiences that threaten their self-image. Claude Steele, a social psychologist and emeritus professor at Stanford University, promoted self-affirmation theory in the late 1980s (Steele, C. M. 1988, Cohen, G. L., & Sherman, D. K. 2007). Today, self-affirmation theory remains well-studied throughout social psychological research (Sherman, D. K., & Cohen, G. L., McQueen, A., & Klein, W. M. 2006).

Using self-affirmations can help us cope with threats or stress and can be beneficial for improving academic performance, health, and well-being. (Cohen, G. L., & Sherman, D. K. 2014).

Self-affirmation theory has led to research in neuroscience, investigating whether we can “see” how the brain changes using imaging technology when using positive affirmations.

MRI evidence suggests that specific neural pathways increase when we speak our affirmations (Cascio et al., 2016). The “ventromedial prefrontal cortex,” involved in positive valuation and self-related information processing, becomes more active when we speak positively about our values (Falk et al., 2015; Cascio et al., 2016).

Falk and her colleagues focused on how we process information about ourselves.  They found that when we practice positive affirmations, we’re more able to perceive “otherwise-threatening information as more self-relevant and valuable” (2015: 1979). This can have several benefits.

Evidence suggests that using positive self-affirmations is beneficial. Here are  six examples from the  experiential research:

• Positive affirmations have been shown to decrease health-related stress (Sherman et al., 2009; Critcher & Dunning, 2015.)
  
  
• Positive affirmations have been used effectively in Positive Psychology Interventions (scientific tools and strategies used for increasing happiness, wellbeing, positive thinking, and emotions, (Keyes, Fredrickson, & Park, 2012.)
  
  
• Positive affirmation may help change the perception of otherwise “threatening” messages (Logel & Cohen, 2012.)
  
  
• Positive affirmation can help us set our intention to change for the better (Harris et al., 2007) and eat more fruit and vegetables (Epton & Harris, 2008.)
  
  
• Positive affirmations have been positively linked to academic achievement by lessening GPA decline in students who feel left out at college (Layous et al., 2017.)
  
  
• Positive affirmation has been demonstrated to lower stress (Koole et al., 1999; Weisenfeld et al., 2001.)

The Benefits 

As we’ve seen, positive affirmations can provide health benefits by helping us to respond in a less defensive or resistant way when we perceive real or imagined threats. One study found that when using affirmations,  smokers responded less dismissively to graphic cigarette packet warnings and conveyed the intention to change their behavior (Harris et al., 2007).

But more generally, using affirmations allows us to create an adaptive, broader self-concept, making us more resilient to life’s struggles. Whether it’s social pressure, health, or healing our trauma, a broader self-concept is an extremely helpful tool.

Mindfulness

When implementing any change,  to be successful, you must be aware of the change you want to make throughout the day, every day. You must intentionally commit to making the change daily. We’ll talk more about intentions and intentionality later.

What do you want to change about yourself? Do you have characteristics that you criticize, judge, and scorn? Maybe you have habits or perceived shortcomings that you’d like to give up?  Is there an aspect of your life that you want to develop? Your answers to questions like these can give you ideas about the kind of positive affirmations you could use.

Thoughts Become Things

Our subconscious minds accept repeated affirmations as truth, even when the affirmations are negative. Become aware of your negative thoughts.

We want to use positive affirmations to change the way we think. If they’re created with a high vibrational frequency, we are more able to attract the things we’ve always wanted but believed we couldn’t have.

But if you don’t write your affirmations correctly, it can be an absolute waste of time. The key to writing successful affirmations to achieve the life you want is to be confident that what you are saying will actually happen. 

When you’ve learned how to write and use affirmations correctly, you can start manifesting your goals. It takes some practice and a bit of trial and error to figure out what works.

Short, Clear, Concrete, Positive and Present Tense

Affirmations that work the best are short, clear, concrete, positive, and in the present tense.

Use only a few words in your affirmations to make them easier to remember. To accomplish this, begin with a  short phrase like:

I am…

I easily…

I joyfully…

I clearly see, hear, do…

I excitedly…

I look forward with joy to…

I look forward to the opportunity that______provides for______.

Your affirmations should be authentic, meaning that they feel doable and true. Our quantum self (our “self” at the molecular level) recognizes the truth contained within our affirmations.

The above affirmational statements are concrete. They are solid, assertive, for a reason.  If you use words like “I feel,” it implies that your affirmation is temporary because feelings are temporary. Do you ever feel confident when you wear a certain item of clothing? What happens when you take it off? Do you see what I mean? The feeling of confidence may decrease or disappear altogether. When you say “I am,” it implies that it’s permanent, no matter the time, place, or situation. It says that you OWN IT.

Know What You Want

What is it that you want to achieve? What do you want to change about yourself?

Ask yourself questions to find a concrete answer to include in your affirmations. For instance:

“How can I _______________?” vs.  “I can’t because ___________. “

Do you see the difference between these two approaches? Asking questions prompts your mind to start looking for concrete answers, consciously and unconsciously.  Asking questions opens up possibilities. When you tell yourself you can’t, it stops your mind from considering solutions. It prevents new ideas from forming. You can see how this would not be a good approach for trying to change your thoughts, beliefs, and mindset. So ask the questions and write your answers. Write the first thing that comes to mind without censoring or editing. I recommend this because the first answer often comes from our higher self or intuition, and is the purest, and often a most concrete form of your answer.

Think about the goals you want to achieve, then write short statements that resonate with you.

Write them as if the desired outcome has already happened.

For more information on how to use Healing Affirmations to heal emotional abuse, read book #3 in the Lemon Moms Series, Life-Altering Affirmations: Change Your Self-talk, Change YourSELF, available on Amazon and wherever books are sold.

More tools for healing:

Learn to set boundaries 

Learn about dysfunctional family roles

Understand trauma bonds

Learn about codependency and maladaptive coping skills

Understand the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle

More Resources You May Like:

I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self

A Workbook and Journal

How to write the highest vibrating, most powerful affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things

Sold worldwide in any bookstore.

Quick links:

Barnes and Noble

Amazon

Walmart

Author Site

Join the Free Email Survival Course:

Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward

from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.

Private Facebook group included for members only.

There’s an app for that!

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for instant information, support, and validation!

The Lemon Moms Series:

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Audible

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Google

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Available formats: eBook, audiobook, hardcover, paperback, and large print too!

Get the TOOLBOX articles twice monthly to your inbox!

About the Author

As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping skills and healing strategies for herself. She happily shares those with others who want to learn and grow. 

Her Lemon Moms series and other books and articles are a combination of her education, knowledge, personal growth, and insight from her childhood experiences and subsequent recovery work.

Diane holds a Master of Science degree in Information Technology and a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology. She’s worked in numerous fields, including domestic violence and abuse, and is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer about family dysfunction. On The Toolbox, she writes about recovery strategies from hurtful people and painful, dysfunctional, or toxic relationships. She has authored four transformational books about healing and moving forward from narcissistic Victim Syndrome.

Visit her author’s site here: DianeMetcalf.com

Learn about the Lemon Moms series here: Lemon Moms

This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

Benefits of expressive writing

According to researcher Dr. James Pennebaker, a psychology professor at the University of Austin, Texas, people who use expressive writing to journal have improved mental and physical health.

Dr. Pennebaker pioneered a study of expressive writing as a coping mechanism for trauma. His, and hundreds of other studies have verified the benefits achieved by people suffering from PTSD, cancer, depression, and various other mental and physical ailments. This journaling technique was found to strengthen the immune system, reduce pain and inflammation, lower infection rate from colds or flu, and decrease depression symptoms. It can also improve memory, sleep quantity and quality, and attitude. It’s clear that there are many benefits associated with expressive writing!

How it works

Using expressive writing allows the writer to recognize a painful or traumatic experience and describe it as a problem to be solved. Doing this allows the writer to identify a particular problem and organize their thoughts and feelings, using written language to create the narrative. This process helps break the rumination cycle, which, in my experience, helps decrease or eliminate cognitive dissonance. Research shows that labeling our emotions actually calms the limbic system and the fight or flight response. (Look up “name it and tame it.”) The prefrontal cortex, which is in charge of executive functions, regains control, and a deeper meaning and understanding can be created around the memory or traumatic event. This leads the writer to feel a new sense of control and personal power regarding the traumatic event. The more we do this this type of journaling, the easier it gets.

When people become more comfortable thinking about and remembering a traumatic event, they are more able to share their feelings with others. Expressive writing may indirectly lead writers to seek emotional support, thereby accelerating the healing process.

As demonstrated in a 2006 study published in the Journal of Psychological Science, expressive writing can also improve relationships. The study found that when one partner wrote about their relationship in detail, both partners began using more positive language when texting each other. The relationship also lasted longer.

Don’t like to write?

If you don’t like journaling, you can still use expressive writing. Recording your thoughts has been shown to work just as well.

To use the technique, write without judgment, self-editing, or correcting spelling or grammatical mistakes. Just write it as you think or feel it. Write for 15 to 20 minutes for at least three consecutive days. Deep dive into your thoughts and feelings and write about them in detail when you do this.

I’m a big fan of journaling using expressive writing. I wrote the “Lemon Moms Companion Workbook” to supply the necessary prompts, questions and challenges to help you use expressive writing as one of your healing tools.

References:

How Do I Love Thee? Let Me Count the Words- The Social Effects of Expressive Writing

Feeling Upset? Try This Special Writing Technique

Expressive writing: Connections to physical and mental health

Tame Reactive Emotions by Naming Them

Tools for healing:

Conscious awareness:  Be aware and make conscious choices before acting. Self-awareness releases us from making impulsive and potentially damaging decisions. Practice mindfulness.

Learn about setting boundaries 

Learn about codependency and maladaptive coping skills

Read “Facing our demons during isolation”

More Resources You May Like:

I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self

A Workbook and Journal

How to write the highest vibrating, most powerful affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things

Sold worldwide in any bookstore.

Quick links:

Barnes and Noble

Amazon

Walmart

Author Site

Join the Free Email Survival Course:

Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward

from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.

Private Facebook group included for members only.

There’s an app for that!

Get THE TOOLBOX APP

for instant information, support, and validation!

The Lemon Moms Series:

B&N

Kindle

Audible

Amazon

Nook

Google

Apple

Available formats: eBook, audiobook, hardcover, paperback, and large print too!

Get the TOOLBOX articles twice monthly to your inbox!

About the Author

As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping skills and healing strategies for herself. She happily shares those with others who want to learn and grow. 

Her Lemon Moms series and other books and articles are a combination of her education, knowledge, personal growth, and insight from her childhood experiences and subsequent recovery work.

Diane holds a Master of Science degree in Information Technology and a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology. She’s worked in numerous fields, including domestic violence and abuse, and is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer about family dysfunction. On The Toolbox, she writes about recovery strategies from hurtful people and painful, dysfunctional, or toxic relationships. She has authored four transformational books about healing and moving forward from narcissistic Victim Syndrome.

Visit her author’s site here: DianeMetcalf.com

Learn about the Lemon Moms series here: Lemon Moms

This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.