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What is Cognitive Dissonance

Cognitive dissonance is a type of mental stress that results from struggling to correct that “surreal-feeling” gap between what we know to be real because we’ve experienced it with our senses and what we are told to believe is real. It is the crazy-making component of gaslighting and the biggest cause of C-PTSD.

When you’re emotionally in the middle of dealing with continual conflicting beliefs, memories, thoughts, ideas, or values, you’re experiencing the confusion and mental discomfort known as cognitive dissonance. Cognitive dissonance indicates a state of existing in a set of continually opposing or conflicting viewpoints, beliefs, or behaviors. It’s the result of manipulation, specifically of gaslighting. To restore their emotional balance, the afflicted person must change or remove the inconsistencies or conflicts. This is done on an ongoing basis.

Although it doesn’t sound like it, cognitive dissonance can be healthy. For example, guilt is a positive and healthy form of cognitive dissonance. Guilt allows us to see the discrepancy between “this is who I say I am, but this is what I did.” We feel guilty when “who we are” and “what we did” are not aligned. This misalignment causes us to feel empathy for the person we wronged. For example, if I believe I’m a gentle, kind, and loving person, and I make a cruel remark to someone, my perception of “who I am” no longer matches “what I did.” A gentle, kind, and loving person would not say mean things. I would be motivated by feelings of guilt to apologize to the person I hurt. The cognitive dissonance provided by our guilt drives us to atone for our actions.

Cognitive dissonance has a dark side, and it’s harmful.

When we’re gaslighted regularly, our level of cognitive dissonance grows, and the crazier and more out-of-touch we feel. We’re unsure of what’s real and what’s not, what’s true and what’s not, what to believe or not, and we don’t know whether to believe our senses or only to accept what we’re told.

We all tell ourselves stories. It’s how we make sense of ourselves and the world. Our egos translate our experiences, so they make sense, but doing this when we’re in a state of cognitive dissonance can keep us stuck. To get unstuck, we might choose to accept the best explanation that we can come up with, regardless of its accuracy.

For example, think about the possible explanations for a situation that a six-year-old might create versus a twenty-year-old or a thirty-five-year-old. Youth and immaturity work against us when we’re gaslighted as kids. We’re not experienced or knowledgeable enough to imagine plausible and realistic explanations. At ten, if my best friend doesn’t reach out, I might think it’s because she doesn’t like me anymore. But at thirty, if I haven’t heard from my friend, I might think it’s because she’s preoccupied, tired, not feeling well, etc. I can choose any number of explanations, and they’ll align with my current self-concept. Now, if I formed the belief in childhood that I’m unlovable, and I carried that belief with me into adulthood, my interpretation of others’ behavior will reflect that belief. If I have strong self-esteem, then my interpretation will reflect that. We interpret our reality using these emotional “filters.” It’s important to remember this because our filters can and do change. Our perceptions and interpretations also continually change and develop as we mature physically, intellectually, socially, spiritually, and emotionally.

Remember that “beliefs” are thoughts that have emotions attached to them. Eliminating inaccurate beliefs is a primary key to healing. Pick a childhood belief. What thoughts and feelings are still connected to it? For example: “I’m not smart.” List feelings, thoughts, and actions that come from that belief and write about them at length. Is the belief still relevant today? Why or why not? Explain. Learn about therapeutic approaches like Tapping, Neurolinguistic Programming, or Cognitive Behavioral Therapy to eliminate faulty beliefs and create healthy new ones. Invest time to investigate other methods for changing beliefs. We acquired our beliefs as children. We get to replace them with ones that serve us as adults.

Cognitive dissonance is one of the most challenging aspects of healing. 

Because of gaslighting, we’ve learned to disregard or mistrust our perceptions, judgment, and memory. We may have learned to trust and accept our mother’s interpretation of the world and events, and we may now rely on her interpretations, judgment, and perceptions instead of our own.

When you were gaslighted by your mother as a child, you probably received unexpected or inappropriate responses from her. Your response to her gaslighting may have been determined to be incorrect, unreasonable, or shameful. You may have wondered why your mother gave you strange looks that caused you to question your actions and words. Now, as an adult, you may be fearful for your mental health, and you’re concerned that you may be losing your mind. You accept that you’re the illogical one or that you’re mentally ill. You’re confused by things she says and does, but your observations can’t be validated because you’re often the only witness or the only one who finds her behavior strange.

Gaslighting often leads to depression, anxiety, helplessness, hopelessness, or exhaustion. If it’s severe, you may feel like your sense of self is “fuzzy” and “reality” feels dreamlike. You probably can’t think clearly and have trouble with problem-solving and making decisions. This is cognitive dissonance.

I’d often get confused, stressed, and frustrated when my mother denied doing or saying something I’d witnessed. I’d ask, “You’re saying that I didn’t see what I know I just saw?” And she’d reply in an exasperated or dismayed tone of voice, “You dreamt it,” “You imagined it,” or “So-and-so did that, not me.” It shouldn’t surprise you that I grew up to continue that tradition. I excelled at self-gaslighting. When you convince yourself that you didn’t just hear what you know you heard or that you didn’t just see what you know you saw….you are self-gaslighting. We do it to protect ourselves from further trauma.

Self-gaslighting

Self-gaslighting also contributes to cognitive dissonance. When we tell ourselves that someone’s actions or behavior were our fault, we’re self-gaslighting. We may convince ourselves that we somehow provoked their hurtful behavior, or we take responsibility for the things they did to hurt us. When we self-gaslight, we not only accept blame, we intentionally place it on ourselves. We lie to ourselves and then spend precious emotional energy convincing ourselves that we’re not. It’s exhausting. Throughout your healing process, remind yourself not to do that anymore. Be honest with yourself now. Stand up for yourself and become your own advocate. If you won’t, then who will? Tell yourself the truth and stop accepting gaslighting from anybody, including yourself, period. Practice mindfulness to become aware that you’re doing it and stop every time.

Humans have a natural need for their attitudes, beliefs, and behaviors to co-exist peacefully with each other. This is known as “cognitive consistency.” Living in a state of cognitive consistency means that we feel stable, relaxed, and secure. For example, if I believe I’m an honest person, and I act accordingly, it means I’ll tell the truth even when it’s uncomfortable, or it gets me into trouble. Doing so means I’ll maintain my integrity and my cognitive consistency.

For those of us who’ve experienced gaslighting as children, it likely caused harmful cognitive dissonance and reduced us to confused, uncertain, dependent shadows of our true selves. It robbed us of our ability to think logically, make decisions easily, use sound judgment, and recall accurately. Instead, we doubt ourselves, always second-guessing our thoughts, emotions, and decisions. I believe that gaslighting is the most treacherous form of manipulation because it undermines our sense of self and stability.

How cognitive dissonance is resolved

Most of us consciously or unconsciously resolve cognitive dissonance by doing one of these three things:

1. Change our thoughts: Choosing this option means you change your thoughts and beliefs to match those of your narcissistic mom. For example, you accept your mother’s perspective that you lack common sense rather than continue believing that you have sound judgment. Now you agree with your mother, which eliminates the emotional conflict and cognitive dissonance.
2. Change our actions: With this approach, you change your behavior so it matches your beliefs about yourself. Using the above example, you find ways to demonstrate that you actually have sound judgment and common sense. Your actions now match your mindset, eliminating emotional conflict and cognitive dissonance.
3. Justify our perceptions: You really do lack common sense and sound judgment, and you rationalize this by minimizing their value and significance. In essence, you trivialize your lack of common sense and sound judgment to eliminate the emotional conflict and cognitive dissonance.

Resolving cognitive dissonance isn’t always done on a conscious level, although we may be aware that we have choices to make. At some point, we’ll use one of the three methods to keep our sanity intact.

Eliminating cognitive dissonance isn’t a “one-and-done” thing. Typically, and speaking from my own experience, we play around with the three possibilities for resolution, trying them on and seeing how they fit and feel. Eventually, we settle on one that suits us best and that causes us the least mental and emotional stress.

Because my mother liked to overwrite my perceptions and memories with her own, I heard a lot of, “I never said that,” “You imagined it,” “You dreamt it,” or “It wasn’t me.” I was in a continual state of self-doubt and confusion from her insistence that I perceived and remembered events inaccurately. My ability to make decisions and trust my own senses was severely negatively impacted. I eventually came to believe that the discrepancies between my own observations and those of my mother were flaws in my memory and perception. I became obsessed with explaining the disparities between what I observed and what I was told I observed. I remained in a state of cognitive dissonance throughout my childhood. If you can relate, I urge you to start your healing journey now and recover from the resulting cognitive dissonance.

Tools

Conscious awareness:  Be aware and make conscious choices before acting. Self-awareness releases us from making impulsive and potentially damaging decisions.

Practice mindfulness

Learn about codependency and maladaptive coping skills

Take the Adverse Childhood Experiences Quiz

Learn about Narcissism Awareness Grief

Understand the abuse cycle

Learn about letting go of what you can’t control, by using positive-detachment

Learn about expectations

Learn about setting boundaries 

Self-care: We can only choose to focus on and be responsible for ourselves, our own thoughts, actions, and behavior. The good news is that we can change ourselves with patience, persistence, and practice. We can take responsibility for getting our needs met instead of waiting for someone to change or meet our needs for us. We are in control of ourselves, and no one is responsible for us but us.

Join the Free Email Survival Course:

Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.

Private Facebook group included for members only.

Join the Waitlist!

When someone’s vibe feels “icky,” or they have “unusual” personality quirks, would you know if they are genuine warning signs or if you could be in danger?

Coming Fall/Winter 2023

Icks, Personality Quirks, or Warning Signs? How to Know the Difference, by Diane Metcalf

Sign up for exclusive access to free chapters, progress, contests, and launch team, and be notified when it’s available!

Discover the Secrets of Identifying Danger

Have you been caught off guard by toxic individuals?
Want to enhance your ability to spot warning signs and protect yourself from emotional mistreatment and abuse? Look no further!

This upcoming book delves deep into the complexities of human behavior, guiding you through the maze of narcissists, psychopaths, manipulators, liars, and self-absorbed individuals.
Learn the crucial skills to differentiate between harmless eccentricities and genuine red flags.

Feel empowered to rescue, protect and heal yourself from their mistreatment or abuse

I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self, Workbook and Journal, by Diane Metcalf

Experience the power of self-affirmation: using positive statements to improve well-being and performance. Learn research-based steps to write the most effective affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things.

Get it Here:

Author’s Site: Free Shipping

Barnes and Noble

Amazon

Browse the Positivity Shop

Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism, by Diane Metcalf

For as long as I can remember, there was something “different” about my mother. She wasn’t like other mothers.

My mom didn’t hug or kiss, smile at, spend time with, or play with me. She never seemed happy to see me. She didn’t ask about my school day and wasn’t interested in knowing my friends. She seemed to have no interest in me or anything that I did. My mom called me hurtful names and obscenities, and at times, she ignored me, not speaking to me for days, weeks, or even months. When she felt sad I was expected to emotionally care-take her. When she didn’t feel like parenting, I was responsible for my siblings. When she lost her temper she hit. When I was disobedient, there were bizarre punishments.

I was not allowed to express feelings, ask questions, or show initiative or curiosity. My feelings were discounted, minimized, or invalidated. She re-wrote my memories, and I was expected to believe her version. I was to obey, stay quiet, and not question.

If any of this sounds familiar, you are not alone. If there is manipulation, power struggles, or cruelty in your relationship, this book can help. If you second-guess your memory, doubt your judgment or sanity, or continually seek your mother’s withheld affection, attention, approval, or love, this book can explain why.

Learn More

or

Get it Here:

Author’s Site: Free Shipping

Barnes and Noble

Amazon

Get the TOOLBOX posts twice monthly in your inbox!

About the Author

Drawing from her personal experiences of growing up in a dysfunctional household, Diane Metcalf has developed effective coping and healing strategies. With the assistance of professional therapists and mindful personal growth, she has honed her skills and now happily shares them with others who are interested in learning and growing.

As an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer, Diane is well-versed in topics such as narcissism, family dysfunction, abuse, and recognizing warning signs. Her extensive knowledge is drawn not only from her personal experiences, but also from her work in human service fields, including domestic violence, partner abuse, and court advocacy. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.

Diane’s transformational books on healing and personal growth, such as the highly acclaimed “Lemon Moms” series, offer emotional support and guidance in understanding narcissistic traits and healing past wounds. Her approach emphasizes self-awareness, intention, self-care, and establishing healthy boundaries as essential components in the healing process.

Learn more about the Lemon Moms series: Lemon Moms

See what’s happening on DianeMetcalf.com

This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

Quick Links

According to the DSM-V, Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a Cluster B disorder characterized by these nine criteria:

1. grandiose sense of self-importance
2. preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, beauty, etc.
3. believes that s/he is “special” and can only be understood by, or associated with like-minded people
4. requires excessive admiration
5. feels entitled to, and expects special treatment
6. is manipulative and exploitative
7. lacks empathy
8. is envious of others and/or believes others are envious of them
9. displays arrogant or haughty behavior.

“Narcissism falls along the axis of what psychologists call personality disorders, one of a group that includes antisocial, dependent, histrionic, avoidant, and borderline personalities. But by most measures, narcissism is one of the worst, because narcissists themselves are so clueless”  (Kluger, J. 2011)

How is Narcissism diagnosed?

To be diagnosed with narcissism, at least five of the nine specific traits above must be chronically present.

The word “narcissism” indicates a set of personality traits such as selfishness, vanity, manipulation, and self-importance. Narcissists are described as “challenging” to interact with. They are often defensive, condescending, and “know everything.” They can be aggressive and even physically abusive. Narcissism has no known cure, although Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) may provide a means for a narcissist to learn self-awareness. Narcissists don’t usually seek help or therapy because they’re not aware that there’s anything wrong with their thinking or behavior.

“Narcissists lack the ability to emotionally tune in to other people. They cannot feel and show empathy or unconditional love. They are typically critical and judgmental” -Karyl McBride, Ph.D.

Common Narcissist Personality Traits

Narcissists-

• are concerned with image and status
• don’t like accountability or taking responsibility
• are prone to Narcissistic Rages when threatened
• are comfortable using violence to achieve goals
• use manipulation to get what they want
• test boundaries to see how far they can go
• are often impatient
• are easily frustrated
• are easily irritated
• can’t communicate honestly because “winning” is the goal
• invalidate others, conveying the message that “you don’t matter.”
• are indifferent
• are unapologetic
• blame others instead of taking responsibility
• shirk personal responsibility
• use name-calling and public shaming to gain control.
• are comfortable showing hostility
• are comfortable using aggression
• are selfish, self-centered
• lack empathy; can’t identify with other people’s feelings
• words don’t match their actions (in my experience: their words don’t match their tone of voice and/or facial expressions)

Common Narcissist Behaviors

Narcissists-

• re-write history as a way to protect their image. This is known as gaslighting. In their version of what happened, they’re always either the hero or the victim.
• stare at you to make you feel uncomfortable.
• bait you and pick fights.
• emotionally dump on you (expect you to listen to their problems, criticism of you, how you disappoint them, and what or how you should change to please them. This is done without empathy because they have no regard for how this will affect you. They will not allow you to share your feelings. It is a one-sided interaction, they are not interested in how you feel.
• intentionally misunderstand what you’ve said, “twisting” your words to give them a different meaning.
• project their thoughts or feelings onto you and say that’s how you think or how you feel.
• threaten to publicly shame or “ruin” you by publishing something embarrassing such as a picture or a letter.
• expect behavior from children that isn’t age-appropriate.
• expect a level of understanding from children that isn’t age-appropriate.
• expect emotional caretaking from others.
• play to win at any cost because life is a game of power and control.
• use other people’s empathy and vulnerability against them.
• display Narcissistic Rages: intense anger, aggression, or passive-aggression that occurs when they experience anything that shatters their illusions of grandiosity, entitlement, or superiority and triggers feelings of inadequacy, shame, and/or vulnerability.
• use coercion: getting you to give up or to do something that you don’t want to do. Slowly and subtly takes over. Becomes “protective,” wants to know where you are and what you’re doing; jealous, provokes arguments, limits contact with your friends and family.

How Narcissism Begins

So, how does someone become a narcissist? Narcissistic thinking and behavior can be learned in childhood from a narcissistic parent or caregiver. Victims of narcissists often create a “false self” as a coping mechanism to survive emotionally. The false self expresses itself more suitably and socially acceptably than the true self. This false self imitates “normal” human emotions including empathy, which allows narcissists to appear to be kind, caring, and compassionate human beings.

As children, we cope the best we know how, with the skills that we have at that time, healthy or not. Narcissists may have dealt with an adverse childhood by imitating a narcissist in their life, or they may have learned to please those narcissists instead, thereby becoming codependent in the process. (Codependency​ is a set of learned, maladaptive coping tools such as monitoring the environment, attempting to control people and/or outcomes, “helping” or fixing other people’s problems, protecting others from the consequences of their choices, anticipating and meeting other people’s needs without being asked, and putting themselves last.)

Narcissistic parents are not healthy role models for their children. They may use foul language in front of (or directed at) their children, make age-inappropriate adult/sexual statements and inferences, behave immaturely, violate the law, openly practice their addictions, and may bring partners home for sex around (or in front of ) the children. If they’re “serial monogamists,” they often state that every new partner is “the love of their life” or “the one.”

When a primary caregiver is a narcissist, kids are much more likely to endure narcissistic abuse. Very young children don’t have the mental capacity to comprehend that a parent is mentally ill. Kids completely trust and depend on their parents, which means they can easily be manipulated and emotionally controlled.

It’s important to understand that if a parent is a narcissist, they’ve been deeply hurt and damaged, and might have been abused or taught to expect “entitlement” as a child. Perhaps they learned this from another narcissist, caretaker, or role model. This is not an excuse for their behavior, but rather a way to view them with understanding and perhaps compassion.

Because they’re self-absorbed, narcissists are oblivious to the damage they cause to their children, and are not self-aware enough to care.

The Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse

Narcissists need to feel superior and “right” in any situation, so they will never experience feelings of remorse. Feeling remorseful would require the narcissist to feel empathy, and sympathy, and to take responsibility for their actions (Hammond, C. 2018). They are not capable of feeling these.

Instead, when a narcissist is abusive, rather than showing remorse, they assume the part of the “victim” and the abused person will be the one who appeases and apologizes. What happens eventually is that the narcissistic behavior becomes reinforced and stronger. The abuse cycle will repeat until one of the parties intentionally changes their behavior. This usually means that the abused will need to change the way they respond. (Learn more about the ​Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse​.) You will not hear “I’m sorry” from a narcissist unless it’s within the context of manipulation.

Could you be feeling the effects of Narcissism Awareness Grief? Download the free chapter to find out:

from Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism

More Tools for Healing

Self-care: We can focus solely on and be responsible for ourselves, our thoughts, actions, and behavior. We can change ourselves with patience, persistence, and practice. We can take responsibility for getting our needs met, instead of waiting for someone to change or meet our needs for us. We are in control of ourselves and no one is responsible for us but us.

Set ​boundaries​

Understand the ​Narcissistic Abuse Cycle​

Learn about ​codependency​

Learn about letting go of what you can’t control, by using ​positive detachment​

Learn why ​expectations​ can be premeditated resentments

Join the Free Email Survival Course:

Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.

Private Facebook group included for members only.

Join the Waitlist!

When someone’s vibe feels “icky,” or they have “unusual” personality quirks, would you know if they are genuine warning signs or if you could be in danger?

Coming Fall/Winter 2023

Icks, Personality Quirks, or Warning Signs? How to Know the Difference, by Diane Metcalf

Sign up for exclusive access to free chapters, progress, contests, and launch team, and be notified when it’s available!

Discover the Secrets of Identifying Danger

Have you been caught off guard by toxic individuals?
Want to enhance your ability to spot warning signs and protect yourself from emotional mistreatment and abuse? Look no further!

This upcoming book delves deep into the complexities of human behavior, guiding you through the maze of narcissists, psychopaths, manipulators, liars, and self-absorbed individuals.
Learn the crucial skills to differentiate between harmless eccentricities and genuine red flags.

Feel empowered to rescue, protect and heal yourself from their mistreatment or abuse

I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self, Workbook and Journal, by Diane Metcalf

Experience the power of self-affirmation: using positive statements to improve well-being and performance. Learn research-based steps to write the most effective affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things.

Get it Here:

Author’s Site: Free Shipping

Barnes and Noble

Amazon

Browse the Positivity Shop

Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism, by Diane Metcalf

For as long as I can remember, there was something “different” about my mother. She wasn’t like other mothers.

My mom didn’t hug or kiss, smile at, spend time with, or play with me. She never seemed happy to see me. She didn’t ask about my school day and wasn’t interested in knowing my friends. She seemed to have no interest in me or anything that I did. My mom called me hurtful names and obscenities, and at times, she ignored me, not speaking to me for days, weeks, or even months. When she felt sad I was expected to emotionally care-take her. When she didn’t feel like parenting, I was responsible for my siblings. When she lost her temper she hit. When I was disobedient, there were bizarre punishments.

I was not allowed to express feelings, ask questions, or show initiative or curiosity. My feelings were discounted, minimized, or invalidated. She re-wrote my memories, and I was expected to believe her version. I was to obey, stay quiet, and not question.

If any of this sounds familiar, you are not alone. If there is manipulation, power struggles, or cruelty in your relationship, this book can help. If you second-guess your memory, doubt your judgment or sanity, or continually seek your mother’s withheld affection, attention, approval, or love, this book can explain why.

Learn More

or

Get it Here:

Author’s Site: Free Shipping

Barnes and Noble

Amazon

Get the TOOLBOX posts twice monthly in your inbox!

About the Author

Drawing from her personal experiences of growing up in a dysfunctional household, Diane Metcalf has developed effective coping and healing strategies. With the assistance of professional therapists and mindful personal growth, she has honed her skills and now happily shares them with others who are interested in learning and growing.

As an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer, Diane is well-versed in topics such as narcissism, family dysfunction, abuse, and recognizing warning signs. Her extensive knowledge is drawn not only from her personal experiences, but also from her work in human service fields, including domestic violence, partner abuse, and court advocacy. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.

Diane’s transformational books on healing and personal growth, such as the highly acclaimed “Lemon Moms” series, offer emotional support and guidance in understanding narcissistic traits and healing past wounds. Her approach emphasizes self-awareness, intention, self-care, and establishing healthy boundaries as essential components in the healing process.

Learn more about the Lemon Moms series: Lemon Moms

See what’s happening on DianeMetcalf.com

This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

Quick Links

If this is the case, you’re beginning to (or have recently) become aware that someone’s perspective of you is causing you pain. You’re likely blamed or found to be responsible for their unhappiness. You’ll likely feel conflicting emotions about this realization, and you may not understand why you feel these conflicts. As you begin to accept that their perspective, thought patterns, and behavior could be dysfunctional, you will also realize that there is nothing, and there never was anything wrong with you, as they may have led you to believe. You may be coming to terms with the idea that their thoughts, ideas, beliefs, and behavior never had anything to do with any shortcoming within yourself.

What is Narcissistic Awareness Grief?

When we first become aware of someone’s narcissistic traits, and we start to see the many ways those traits have negatively impacted us, we enter the process identified by Dr. Christine Hammond as “Narcissism Awareness Grief.” How this realization affects us becomes a journey undertaken to heal the emotional pain of Narcissistic Victim Syndrome.

In my case, before I knew exactly “what” I needed to recover from, I was focused on issues of low self-confidence and self-esteem, always second-guessing myself. I had a myriad of codependency symptoms. A therapist suggested that I “presented” much like an Adult Child of an Alcoholic (ACA). But there had been no substance abuse or alcoholism in my family of origin. At that time, maternal narcissism was virtually unheard of, and my symptoms were so similar to those of ACAs that we agreed my treatment would be as if I were an ACA. Turns out I needed to heal from the effects that my mother’s narcissistic characteristics had on me as a child.

“Whatever the situation may be, in order to fully achieve peace within yourself it is necessary for those who have been victims of narcissistic personalities to complete all the stages of Narcissism Awareness Grief and learn to grow beyond their previously fabricated reality.”

—Christine Hammond, MS, LMHC

You cannot change or control anyone’s behavior. You can only control your own. When you fully understand and accept this, you’ll be able to move forward with a strategy to emotionally detach and begin putting your focus on taking steps to recover from trauma, scapegoating, blaming, shaming, and other mistreatment.

It’s important to understand that the process of going through Narcissism Awareness Grief means spending time in each of its six stages. These stages are not linear, meaning that they are not experienced in any particular order. In fact, it’s natural to go back and forth between the six stages throughout the entire process. It’s also possible to become stuck in any phase for any length of time. But the first five stages must be experienced to get to the last stage, “Acceptance.” In this final stage, we accept that they are who they are. We accept that they will not change. We accept that we did not cause these narcissistic character traits, that we cannot control them, and that we cannot cure them. We accept that “it is what it is.” Acceptance feels very freeing because we understand that we don’t have any responsibility, or the ability, to change someone! We can stop focusing on them and start focusing on ourselves.​ This will feel very strange at first.

And when we reach “Acceptance,” it does NOT mean we accept their hurtful actions or words. ACCEPTANCE has nothing to do with accepting hurtful behavior or words. Instead “Acceptance” is about US, NOT about them. Acceptance means that we are able to let go of wishing and hoping that they will change. We stop hoping that they will treat us differently or that they will one day become a loving, kind, compassionate, affectionate, and accepting person. We let go of fighting against who they are or spending time wishing that they were different. We stop focusing on them altogether. Acceptance means that we let go of the idea that they will finally see us for who we are, that they will love us unconditionally, want to spend time with us, enjoy being with us, stop trying to change us, stop manipulating and hurting us, and that someday it will feel good to be around them 

When ACCEPTANCE happens, something wonderful changes in our perception: it’s as if we wake up and see things exactly as they are for the first time. We see our hurts and traumas in a different way; we can now see that there was never anything wrong with us, and we are able to clearly see that we are lovable and acceptable exactly as we are. We see and understand and accept that we aren’t supposed to change or become someone different in order to earn someone’s love, affection, or acceptance. If someone cannot love, it is because of a shortcoming within THEM. In the Acceptance stage, we are able to see this truth and embrace it. We stop beating ourselves up and trying to change ourselves to please and appease them We realize that pleasing and appeasing will not work and that they never have. Within Acceptance, we are able to see that the problem is theirs and it always was. We can finally acknowledge that we couldn’t have changed any of what happened in the past or made it happen any differently. ​

After we reach the stage of Acceptance, our painful experiences begin to look very different. We can now see them from a different angle. There is actually a paradigm shift: we realize that our painful experiences were about their worldview, their thoughts, and their choices and behavior. It was never about who we were or are. We can now see clearly that we were caught up in dysfunctional behavior that was incomprehensible, confusing, and hurtful. 

As we begin to see and understand the effects that someone’s narcissistic traits had on us,  we are able to re-frame those experiences and see them as only a small part of who we are, and we no longer let our past traumas define us. We are more than the sum of our trauma. We are more than who others think we are.

Getting to Acceptance is why it’s so important to keep moving through all of the stages and to get help if you get stuck in a particular phase.

What happens when you begin to experience Narcissistic Awareness Grief?

At some point during those years, when I was actively pursuing healing and personal growth, the idea was broached by a therapist that my mother likely had an undiagnosed and untreated mental illness, probably a personality disorder. Hearing this news was exciting and validating because I had suspected as much for a very long time.

As I came to grasp the reality of the impact that my mother’s narcissistic traits had on me, I felt a gamut of emotions—denial, sadness, rage, and everything in between and back.

You see, when we discover that the traumatic lifestyle we’ve endured has an actual name, it’s a huge relief at first. There’s an initial rush of validation, and we suddenly realize that we’re not alone, that we’re not crazy, and that we haven’t imagined it. Narcissistic abuse is a real thing, and now we realize that we can deal with and recover from it.

The Six Stages of Narcissism Awareness Grief

Much like the famous Kubler-Ross “five stages of grief,” there are several stages of Narcissism Awareness Grief. They’re not linear, so they’re not experienced in any particular order. In fact, we can go back and forth between the stages throughout the process of grieving. But every step must be experienced before we can get to the final stage, which is “Acceptance.” It’s possible to become stuck in any phase for any length of time and to never actually enter into Acceptance.

The difference between the two grief models is that narcissism awareness grief has an additional and essential phase called “Rewriting.” This is where healing begins in earnest.

1. Denial: After reading, thinking, processing, and talking about narcissism, you may begin to entertain the idea that a certain someone might actually be on the narcissism spectrum. This idea may be something you’ve never conceptualized before. Thinking it may make you uncomfortable. Even if you’re certain that she is afflicted, you might continue to minimize the impact it’s had on you until you reach the point where you can’t any longer. At that juncture, you’ll begin to become aware of the scope of their narcissistic traits and how they affect the people in their life.
2. Anger. The anger that follows can be intense. You may be angry with yourself for not seeing the symptoms before now; you may be fuming with previous therapists who did not see it. You may be furious with family members, and you might be irate with anyone who believed the person’s false face. I think that what we’re feeling in this stage is a kind of “righteous indignation,” a natural response to mistreatment or abuse. If we witness an injustice, when someone’s being mistreated, bullied, or abused in any way, we naturally feel this kind of anger. Now, we’re feeling it for ourselves. This anger can be hugely motivating for change if we use it correctly.
3. Bargaining. You may wish things were different. You may feel bitterness or sadness at the unfairness. I remember wondering what my childhood would’ve been like if I’d had a mother who’d been able to truly love and care for me, more than she did for her image. I wondered what my adult life might’ve been like if I’d grown up feeling loved, cherished, and as if I mattered. You may have these kinds of thoughts too, or you might even shame yourself with thoughts like, “Why didn’t I see this before?” or “I’ve wasted years of my life listening to and believing them.” Many of your questions will have no real answer. I cried a lot at first, in fact, any time I thought about it. You may cry too or feel a profound sense of loss and sadness. Like me, you may feel robbed of years of your life and angry at the injustice of that. It’s essential to see that, in this stage, you may actually be doing what your narcissist would do: insult you, berate you, and question the validity of your thoughts and feelings. But we actually need to go through this dark period so we will be able to enter the rewriting phase of grieving.
4. Depression: When I understood that I could not “help” my mother to change, or get her to see me differently, or change her victim mentality, I became very, very sad. When it began to dawn on me that she would never change—that she was incapable of change (because she didn’t think anything was wrong with her)—my sadness turned into depression. I’d formed a rudimentary understanding that I’d have to live with this new information from now on. I’d have to change the way I interacted and related to my mother for my own protection. I saw that I had missed multiple unrecoverable opportunities in my life because I had adopted her limited and incorrect beliefs about me. I saw how my relationships, in fact, every aspect of my life, had been negatively impacted by her faulty ideas and opinions of me, which I had accepted and internalized. I worked on accepting the fact that there was nothing I could do to make my mother interested in me as a person or to receive me in my imperfection. I had to accept that she would continue to belittle, shame, and intimidate me and that she would never feel a bit of remorse, let alone apologize. She was going to remain manipulative, critical, blaming, and attention-seeking. It was a heavy feeling to recognize that I had a lot of work ahead of me, to reconcile the past and heal myself, while at the same time, my mother continued to hurt me and feel no accountability or responsibility.
5. Rewriting: This is the stage that is exclusive to Narcissism Awareness Grief, and it’s where we can really do a lot of healing. This stage is for taking this new understanding of narcissistic characteristics and applying it to our past. We begin to understand how internalizing our narcissist’s faulty perspective of ourselves has negatively impacted our lives.  We start to see things differently. We begin to form new ideas about ourselves. We learn to think in new ways, thoughts like: “They were not capable of feeling love because of their narcissistic traits. It had nothing to do with me. I am and always have been lovable.” And “They weren’t capable of feeling empathy. It wasn’t that I didn’t matter. I have always mattered.”
6. Acceptance: As we work our way through the stages, this last piece comes pretty effortlessly. At some point, which can’t be forced, we finally accept their narcissistic traits as permanent. We see this as a revelation, and there’s an exciting feeling of freedom when we understand that we don’t have any responsibility, or the ability, to change them! We’re finally able to let go of the effects of their dysfunction.

We welcome the understanding that narcissists don’t change. Narcissists are very predictable. Now we can anticipate their behavior, and we can make interacting with them feel safer for us, or at least more tolerable. As our expectations change, we may experience a sense of peace that we never thought possible. Now we can determine what kind and how much exposure we will subject ourselves to, and we can plan accordingly. Some of us may decide to have no contact at all, and some may choose to have limited contact with strict enforceable boundaries. For example, I decided to continue my relationship, but with limited contact.

When we get to Acceptance, we can determine which behaviors we’re willing to put up with, if any, how we’ll deal with them, and for how long. This is when we’ll start setting personal boundaries. We are finally able to focus on ourselves and our lives instead of dwelling on their unacceptance, hurtful words, and behavior, or changing ourselves to feel accepted or loved.

This is self-care. This is freedom. This is healing.

More tools

Conscious awareness:  Be aware and make conscious choices before acting. Self-awareness releases us from making impulsive and potentially damaging decisions.

Self-care: We can only choose to focus on and be responsible for ourselves, our own thoughts, actions, and behavior. The good news is that we can change ourselves with patience, persistence, and practice. We can take responsibility for getting our needs met, instead of waiting for someone to change or meet our needs for us. We are in control of ourselves and no one is responsible for us but us.

Set boundaries 

Understand the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle

Understand the symptoms of codependency

Learn about letting go of what you can’t control

Learn about expectations

Join the Free Email Survival Course:

Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.

Private Facebook group included for members only.

Join the Waitlist!

When someone’s vibe feels “icky,” or they have “unusual” personality quirks, would you know if they are genuine warning signs or if you could be in danger?

Coming Fall/Winter 2023

Icks, Personality Quirks, or Warning Signs? How to Know the Difference, by Diane Metcalf

Sign up for exclusive access to free chapters, progress, contests, and launch team, and be notified when it’s available!

Discover the Secrets of Identifying Danger

Have you been caught off guard by toxic individuals?
Want to enhance your ability to spot warning signs and protect yourself from emotional mistreatment and abuse? Look no further!

This upcoming book delves deep into the complexities of human behavior, guiding you through the maze of narcissists, psychopaths, manipulators, liars, and self-absorbed individuals.
Learn the crucial skills to differentiate between harmless eccentricities and genuine red flags.

Feel empowered to rescue, protect and heal yourself from their mistreatment or abuse

I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self, Workbook and Journal, by Diane Metcalf

Experience the power of self-affirmation: using positive statements to improve well-being and performance. Learn research-based steps to write the most effective affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things.

Get it Here:

Author’s Site: Free Shipping

Barnes and Noble

Amazon

Browse the Positivity Shop

Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism, by Diane Metcalf

For as long as I can remember, there was something “different” about my mother. She wasn’t like other mothers.

My mom didn’t hug or kiss, smile at, spend time with, or play with me. She never seemed happy to see me. She didn’t ask about my school day and wasn’t interested in knowing my friends. She seemed to have no interest in me or anything that I did. My mom called me hurtful names and obscenities, and at times, she ignored me, not speaking to me for days, weeks, or even months. When she felt sad I was expected to emotionally care-take her. When she didn’t feel like parenting, I was responsible for my siblings. When she lost her temper she hit. When I was disobedient, there were bizarre punishments.

I was not allowed to express feelings, ask questions, or show initiative or curiosity. My feelings were discounted, minimized, or invalidated. She re-wrote my memories, and I was expected to believe her version. I was to obey, stay quiet, and not question.

If any of this sounds familiar, you are not alone. If there is manipulation, power struggles, or cruelty in your relationship, this book can help. If you second-guess your memory, doubt your judgment or sanity, or continually seek your mother’s withheld affection, attention, approval, or love, this book can explain why.

Learn More

or

Get it Here:

Author’s Site: Free Shipping

Barnes and Noble

Amazon

Get the TOOLBOX posts twice monthly in your inbox!

About the Author

Drawing from her personal experiences of growing up in a dysfunctional household, Diane Metcalf has developed effective coping and healing strategies. With the assistance of professional therapists and mindful personal growth, she has honed her skills and now happily shares them with others who are interested in learning and growing.

As an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer, Diane is well-versed in topics such as narcissism, family dysfunction, abuse, and recognizing warning signs. Her extensive knowledge is drawn not only from her personal experiences, but also from her work in human service fields, including domestic violence, partner abuse, and court advocacy. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.

Diane’s transformational books on healing and personal growth, such as the highly acclaimed “Lemon Moms” series, offer emotional support and guidance in understanding narcissistic traits and healing past wounds. Her approach emphasizes self-awareness, intention, self-care, and establishing healthy boundaries as essential components in the healing process.

Learn more about the Lemon Moms series: Lemon Moms

See what’s happening on DianeMetcalf.com

This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

Quick Links

What are Adverse Childhood Experiences?

Childhood trauma research conducted in the 1990s discovered a connection between the number of Adverse Childhood Experiences someone has and the number of adverse outcomes experienced as adults. These resulting negative results included physical health, medical issues, mental illness, addiction, and risk-taking behaviors. The original ACE Study was conducted from 1995 to 1997 by Kaiser Permanente with two waves of data collection from over 17,000 HMO members. The study found that experiencing a traumatic childhood not only significantly impacts the probability that the individual will suffer from future health issues but indicates a higher likelihood of further adult victimization as well.

The data collection questionnaire used for gathering the ACE data is known as the “Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) quiz,” and the score is the total count of specific indicators of a turbulent childhood. The harsher the childhood, the higher the score, and the higher the risk for health and other problems later on, including risk-taking behaviors, chronic health conditions, mental illness, substance abuse, decreased or limited life potential, and early death (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 2019).

Why are Adverse Childhood Experiences important?

Adverse Childhood Experiences are the environmental influences that challenge a child’s sense of safety, stability, and attachment. They include but are not limited to physical and verbal abuse, neglect, addiction, alcoholism, mental illness, and violence.

The data collection questionnaire used for gathering the ACE data is known as the “Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) quiz,” and the score is the total count of specific indicators of a turbulent childhood. The harsher the childhood, the higher the score, and the higher the risk for health and other problems later in life, like risk-taking behaviors, chronic health conditions, mental illness, substance abuse, decreased or limited life-potential, and early death (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 2019).

The ACE quiz measures 10 types of childhood trauma, five of which are personal: physical, verbal, and sexual abuse, and physical or emotional neglect. The remaining five are related to family members, for example, an alcoholic parent, a family member affected by domestic violence, incarcerated family member, a mentally ill family member, or living in a  single-parent household due to divorce, death, or abandonment. There are many kinds of childhood trauma, but only 10  are included in the ACE quiz because they were the most frequently mentioned by the members of the research group.

Each kind of traumatic experience scores one point. For example, a person who’s been verbally abused and has one mentally ill parent, and lives in a single-parent home has an ACE score of three.

If other types of abuse or neglect were experienced, including extended periods of toxic stress, those would also increase the likelihood of compromised health in adulthood.

The ACE score is only a guideline. Positive childhood experiences can protect against many adverse outcomes, even after the trauma has occurred. (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention 2016). Some people who have high ACE scores, including myself, can recover and do well as adults. Resilience, a subject of ongoing research, is thought to be a key component of recovery.

Where can I take the ACE quiz?

If you’re interested in taking the Adverse Childhood Experiences quiz, you’ll find it here.

Tools

Conscious awareness:  Be aware and make conscious choices before acting. Self-awareness releases us from making impulsive and potentially damaging decisions.

Self-care: We can only choose to focus on and be responsible for ourselves, our own thoughts, actions, and behavior. The good news is that we can change ourselves with patience, persistence, and practice. We can take responsibility for getting our needs met, instead of waiting for someone to change or meet our needs for us. We are in control of ourselves and no one is responsible for us but us.

Set boundaries 

Understand the abuse cycle

Learn about codependency

Learn about letting go of what you can’t control, by using positive-detachment

Learn about expectations

Join the Free Email Survival Course:

Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.

Private Facebook group included for members only.

Join the Waitlist!

When someone’s vibe feels “icky,” or they have “unusual” personality quirks, would you know if they are genuine warning signs or if you could be in danger?

Coming Fall/Winter 2023

Icks, Personality Quirks, or Warning Signs? How to Know the Difference, by Diane Metcalf

Sign up for exclusive access to free chapters, progress, contests, and launch team, and be notified when it’s available!

Discover the Secrets of Identifying Danger

Have you been caught off guard by toxic individuals?
Want to enhance your ability to spot warning signs and protect yourself from emotional mistreatment and abuse? Look no further!

This upcoming book delves deep into the complexities of human behavior, guiding you through the maze of narcissists, psychopaths, manipulators, liars, and self-absorbed individuals.
Learn the crucial skills to differentiate between harmless eccentricities and genuine red flags.

Feel empowered to rescue, protect and heal yourself from their mistreatment or abuse

I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self, Workbook and Journal, by Diane Metcalf

Experience the power of self-affirmation: using positive statements to improve well-being and performance. Learn research-based steps to write the most effective affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things.

Get it Here:

Author’s Site: Free Shipping

Barnes and Noble

Amazon

Browse the Positivity Shop

Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism, by Diane Metcalf

For as long as I can remember, there was something “different” about my mother. She wasn’t like other mothers.

My mom didn’t hug or kiss, smile at, spend time with, or play with me. She never seemed happy to see me. She didn’t ask about my school day and wasn’t interested in knowing my friends. She seemed to have no interest in me or anything that I did. My mom called me hurtful names and obscenities, and at times, she ignored me, not speaking to me for days, weeks, or even months. When she felt sad I was expected to emotionally care-take her. When she didn’t feel like parenting, I was responsible for my siblings. When she lost her temper she hit. When I was disobedient, there were bizarre punishments.

I was not allowed to express feelings, ask questions, or show initiative or curiosity. My feelings were discounted, minimized, or invalidated. She re-wrote my memories, and I was expected to believe her version. I was to obey, stay quiet, and not question.

If any of this sounds familiar, you are not alone. If there is manipulation, power struggles, or cruelty in your relationship, this book can help. If you second-guess your memory, doubt your judgment or sanity, or continually seek your mother’s withheld affection, attention, approval, or love, this book can explain why.

Learn More

or

Get it Here:

Author’s Site: Free Shipping

Barnes and Noble

Amazon

Get the TOOLBOX posts twice monthly in your inbox!

About the Author

Drawing from her personal experiences of growing up in a dysfunctional household, Diane Metcalf has developed effective coping and healing strategies. With the assistance of professional therapists and mindful personal growth, she has honed her skills and now happily shares them with others who are interested in learning and growing.

As an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer, Diane is well-versed in topics such as narcissism, family dysfunction, abuse, and recognizing warning signs. Her extensive knowledge is drawn not only from her personal experiences, but also from her work in human service fields, including domestic violence, partner abuse, and court advocacy. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.

Diane’s transformational books on healing and personal growth, such as the highly acclaimed “Lemon Moms” series, offer emotional support and guidance in understanding narcissistic traits and healing past wounds. Her approach emphasizes self-awareness, intention, self-care, and establishing healthy boundaries as essential components in the healing process.

Learn more about the Lemon Moms series: Lemon Moms

See what’s happening on DianeMetcalf.com

This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

Gaslighting is a specific form of emotional abuse and coercive control often used by narcissists. When engaging in gaslighting, narcissists derive a sense of superiority from their ability to manipulate and control the beliefs, feelings, thoughts, and perceptions of others.

Quick Links

Recognizing Gaslighting: Signs and Tactics Used by Narcissists in Emotional Abuse

There are several signs that indicate you may be the target of gaslighting:

• A narcissist uses your fears or insecurities against you, exploiting any vulnerabilities you have shared with them to assert dominance and superiority.
• They want you to believe that they know you better than you know yourself, often claiming to know your thoughts and feelings. If you challenge their assertions, they will accuse you of lying and may respond with dismissive gestures or expressions.
• A narcissist may require you to engage in actions that are inappropriate, morally wrong, or even illegal, while insisting that it is acceptable behavior. If you find yourself regularly being told that something you feel is abnormal is actually “normal,” it is likely that you are being gaslighted. For example, when I was a child, my mother frequently had me lie to other adults on her behalf. Usually, the lie was that she had a headache, or she didn’t feel well or wasn’t home. She expected this from me without question. Growing up this way, I believed that doing this for my mother was normal. In my teens, when I started to recognize that this wasn’t something all kids had to do, I refused to continue doing it. It felt wrong, and I felt like I was being used. It also felt like she should, as the adult, speak to other adults on her behalf directly. She made it clear that she was disappointed with me for wanting her to be honest and to stop expecting me to lie for her.
• A narcissist may “diagnose” you with mental illness or other issues as a means of undermining your judgment and sanity. They may insult you or question your decision-making, suggesting that you need therapy or medication. However, it is important to understand that these tactics are not about you; they are solely about the narcissist’s need for control and superiority.
• Gaslighting often involves the narcissist “rewriting history,” denying or distorting events that you know to be accurate or real. This can be particularly distressing when you witness the narcissist engaging in frightening or abusive behavior, only to have them deny it later. The most common type of gaslighting I experienced as a child was when I witnessed my mother saying or doing something frightening, threatening, or mean-spirited or when she was exhibiting a narcissistic rage. I would later ask her about it, and she would gaslight me. For example, I once overheard her viciously mistreating my grandmother by loudly verbally abusing her. I confronted my mother about it when she exited my grandmother’s bedroom. She hadn’t known I’d overheard the entire hurtful scenario and, looking at me with shock and disbelief, she replied, “What are you talking about? I didn’t scream at her or call her names.” She calmly and flatly denied it, explaining, “You must have dreamt it.”

By gaslighting, narcissists may also undermine your memory, recalling shared experiences in ways that portray themselves as rational, good, and righteous, while casting your behavior as irrational or shameful. They often position themselves as either the hero or the victim in their retelling of events.

Gaslighting can be a manipulative tactic to elicit an emotional reaction from you. Their target’s reaction serves as a form of narcissistic supply by boosting their sense of superiority and control. In these types of situations, the narcissist will remain calm and rational, intentionally causing their target to feel insecure and irrational.

When subjected to gaslighting, a target may not be aware of what is happening, but they may have an intuitive sense that some sort of mind game is being played. Gaslighting leads to confusion, stress, frustration, and a sense of being unable to understand the situation. Ultimately, gaslighting grants the narcissist a significant amount of power and control over the target.

Gaslighting and Memory Distortion: How Narcissists Rewrite History to Maintain Control

Gaslighting can have severe mental and emotional effects, especially if it’s ongoing. If you’re being gaslighted, you may begin doing whatever it takes to avoid stress, arguments or to prevent the narcissist from becoming triggered, angry, or abusive.

A significant symptom of gaslighting is a constant feeling of confusion or being off-balance. It’s one of the most challenging aspects of healing from gaslighting. That’s because we’ve learned to disregard our own intuition, and our sense of self-trust, as well as our memories, minds, and indeed our very perception! But because we have learned to trust our narcissist’s interpretation of the world, we rely on their version of reality instead of our own. We convince ourselves that their version of reality is correct, and there’s a feeling of things not adding up; we start feeling confused or maybe disoriented. I came to think of these discrepancies (between my reality and my mother’s version) as a flaw within myself. I continually tried to figure out and make sense of the discrepancy between what I observed with my senses and what I was told that I observed. This kind of internal conflict is called ​cognitive dissonance​, and it’s the “crazy-making” aspect of gaslighting.

You may receive unexpected or inappropriate responses to common questions or actions from your narcissist, and your reactions may be deemed to be incorrect or unreasonable. You may get strange “looks” from them that make you question your every move. Fearful for your mental health, you might worry that you are losing your mind. You may begin believing you’re illogical, irrational, or mentally ill. You question yourself. You feel confused by things the narcissist says and does, but your observations can’t be validated because no one but you is around when it happens.

You’ll come to doubt your memory. This was a big one for me, because my mother liked to overwrite my perceptions and memories with her own. I heard a lot of, “I never said that,” “You dreamt it,” or “You imagined it.” This was the attribute of gaslighting that harmed me the most. Continually being told that I perceived and remembered events “incorrectly” had me in a continual state of self-doubt, confusion, and disorientation. It negatively impacted my ability to make decisions and to trust my judgment.

Gaslighting leads to feeling depressed, anxious, helpless, hopeless, or exhausted. Life may begin to feel surreal; you may feel as if you’re invisible, or like you don’t actually exist. Your sense of reality may seem “fuzzy,” and you can’t think straight. You’ll have trouble problem-solving and making decisions because you doubt your judgment or your observations.

And while you’re struggling, the narcissist will continue to play mind games and twist your perception.

Eventually, you may begin to rely on the narcissist to tell you what’s “real” and what isn’t. They’ll happily tell you what you’re thinking and what you remember, and they’ll correct any memory you have that makes them appear less than great. If the gaslighting is constant, you will begin to depend on your narcissist’s interpretation of reality. When this happens you may eventually lose your sense of self and you may also begin to ​disassociate​. What’s happening is that you’re losing your self-identity, becoming the version of “you” that your narcissist thinks you are or wants you to be.

In summary, gaslighting is a manipulative tactic employed by narcissists to exert control and power. It is a form of emotional abuse that can leave you feeling confused, stressed, and insecure. Recognizing the signs of gaslighting is crucial in order to protect oneself from its harmful effects.

Tools

Set ​boundaries​

Learn about ​codependency​ and whether you’re using codependent thoughts and behaviors.

Use your voice. Say what you mean and mean what you say.

Set ​boundaries​

Understand the ​Abuse Cycle​

Learn about ​expectations​

Know when something is your responsibility & when it’s not: Learn about ​codependency​

Don’t play the game. Drop your end of the tug-of-war rope. There’s no tug-of-war if there isn’t someone pulling on each end. Learn about letting go of what you can’t control, by using ​positive detachment.​

Learn how to ​recognize a narcissist​.

Join the Free Email Survival Course:

Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.

Private Facebook group included for members only.

Join the Waitlist!

When someone’s vibe feels “icky,” or they have “unusual” personality quirks, would you know if they are genuine warning signs or if you could be in danger?

Coming Fall/Winter 2023

Icks, Personality Quirks, or Warning Signs? How to Know the Difference, by Diane Metcalf

Sign up for exclusive access to free chapters, progress, contests, and launch team, and be notified when it’s available!

Discover the Secrets of Identifying Danger

Have you been caught off guard by toxic individuals?
Want to enhance your ability to spot warning signs and protect yourself from emotional mistreatment and abuse? Look no further!

This upcoming book delves deep into the complexities of human behavior, guiding you through the maze of narcissists, psychopaths, manipulators, liars, and self-absorbed individuals.
Learn the crucial skills to differentiate between harmless eccentricities and genuine red flags.

Feel empowered to rescue, protect and heal yourself from their mistreatment or abuse

I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self, Workbook and Journal, by Diane Metcalf

Experience the power of self-affirmation: using positive statements to improve well-being and performance. Learn research-based steps to write the most effective affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things.

Get it Here:

Author’s Site: Free Shipping

Barnes and Noble

Amazon

Browse the Positivity Shop

Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism, by Diane Metcalf

For as long as I can remember, there was something “different” about my mother. She wasn’t like other mothers.

My mom didn’t hug or kiss, smile at, spend time with, or play with me. She never seemed happy to see me. She didn’t ask about my school day and wasn’t interested in knowing my friends. She seemed to have no interest in me or anything that I did. My mom called me hurtful names and obscenities, and at times, she ignored me, not speaking to me for days, weeks, or even months. When she felt sad I was expected to emotionally care-take her. When she didn’t feel like parenting, I was responsible for my siblings. When she lost her temper she hit. When I was disobedient, there were bizarre punishments.

I was not allowed to express feelings, ask questions, or show initiative or curiosity. My feelings were discounted, minimized, or invalidated. She re-wrote my memories, and I was expected to believe her version. I was to obey, stay quiet, and not question.

If any of this sounds familiar, you are not alone. If there is manipulation, power struggles, or cruelty in your relationship, this book can help. If you second-guess your memory, doubt your judgment or sanity, or continually seek your mother’s withheld affection, attention, approval, or love, this book can explain why.

Learn More

or

Get it Here:

Author’s Site: Free Shipping

Barnes and Noble

Amazon

Get the TOOLBOX posts twice monthly in your inbox!

About the Author

Drawing from her personal experiences of growing up in a dysfunctional household, Diane Metcalf has developed effective coping and healing strategies. With the assistance of professional therapists and mindful personal growth, she has honed her skills and now happily shares them with others who are interested in learning and growing.

As an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer, Diane is well-versed in topics such as narcissism, family dysfunction, abuse, and recognizing warning signs. Her extensive knowledge is drawn not only from her personal experiences, but also from her work in human service fields, including domestic violence, partner abuse, and court advocacy. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.

Diane’s transformational books on healing and personal growth, such as the highly acclaimed “Lemon Moms” series, offer emotional support and guidance in understanding narcissistic traits and healing past wounds. Her approach emphasizes self-awareness, intention, self-care, and establishing healthy boundaries as essential components in the healing process.

Learn more about the Lemon Moms series: Lemon Moms

See what’s happening on DianeMetcalf.com

This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.