Daughters and sons of narcissistic mothers are out there and they feel alone and misunderstood.

An emotionally healthy mother’s love is a powerful, lifelong theme for most children; her kindness, compassion, validation, and the loving bond that they share. For those of us who don’t have that kind of mom, memories, or relationship, we are keenly aware of those who do. And we wonder why we don’t. Because surely if our mothers can’t love us, it must be our fault. We must be unlovable, right?

American culture views motherhood as a saintly paradigm; promoting that mother love is instinctive, unconditional, and spontaneous; and that all women can love, empathize, and nurture. These myths and inaccuracies are detrimental; they harm unloved children’s spirits, holding them in a state of self-doubt and cognitive dissonance.

When a mother and adult child relationship fails, it’s the adult child who’s usually held responsible. These kinds of cultural perspectives can keep an unloved daughter or son stuck in the place they’ve been since childhood—knowing that something is wrong and blaming themselves. They wonder who will be able to love them if their own mothers can’t.

But mothering is a learned behavior in human beings. A spectrum of maternal behaviors exists, from healthy to toxic. Acknowledging this may be helpful when we think about Mother’s Day.

I used to spend a huge amount of emotional energy just selecting a Mother’s Day card. Today, there is more awareness and sensitivity regarding family dysfunction and the understanding that not all mothers are loving and kind. These days, it’s easier to find a more realistic card sentiment. But years ago, it was extremely difficult to find a card that didn’t boldly announce “Happy Mothers Day to the Greatest Mother in the World!” or “I’m So Blessed That You’re My Mother” All of them gushed with sentiments that I didn’t feel and all of them felt like lies. While I dealt with that, others dealt with decisions like: “Should I even send a card?” “Should I call?” “Should I see her?” “Should I ignore the day?” “What should I do?”

The thing is, if we’re still attempting to please and appease our narcissistic moms, we’re in a no-win situation. Whatever we do will not be good enough, because it never has. Like others in this situation, every year I went through emotional pain and turmoil: on Mother’s Day, I was forced to face the stark and demoralizing humiliation of our one-sided relationship for the entire day. I was actually a mother myself, yet I was focused on making this day all about MY mother. I wasn’t able to enjoy what the day meant for me as a mother. I missed out on feeling connected with my kids and letting them focus on me, celebrating me. Instead, I expected them to focus on her too. The entire day was about my mother and making her happy. But of course, she never was. She spent the day criticizing the weather, the restaurant, the food, her gifts, and other people. For decades this continued and I didn’t see it because I was supremely codependent, unaware, and unhealed. Eventually, I awakened and realized that something needed to change. I finally accepted that she wasn’t going to change. I needed to change.

Experts say that with a narcissist mother, you have two choices: live on her terms (focusing on her, chasing after her withheld love, acceptance, and affection) or go “no contact.” This feels like black and white (all or none) thinking to me, and I’ve never been a big fan. I prefer to see all the shades of gray. So I created a third option for myself: I identified my cognitive dissonance and C-PTSD symptoms and prioritized healing them with various forms of therapy. I refused to be gaslighted, I set enforceable boundaries and started trusting my mind and my memories. I no longer focused on what she did, said, wanted, or expected, and as a result, I no longer felt humiliated, unloved, invalidated, and rejected. Our relationship was finally on my terms.

Confusion and Cognitive Dissonance

As children, if our need for love and connection to our mothers was not met, we simply blamed ourselves. And then we began forming beliefs that we are not good enough, and that we don’t matter.

If you are an empathetic person, you are naturally sensitive to others’ emotional needs. Trying to understand that narcissists don’t have the ability to feel empathy is difficult to understand or believe. As children of narcissists, we keep returning to that parent, again and again, hoping and wishing that it will be different this time. We focus on gaining approval, validation, acceptance, and love. We jump through any hoop offered. When nothing changes, it triggers more pain and confusion and a continuation of the “I’m not-good-enough’s” and “I-don’t-matter’s.”

Then we grew up, and we may have started to realize that the problem is not us! There is nothing—and there never was—anything inherently wrong with us, as we may have been led to believe.

You do not need a formal diagnosis to determine that your relationship is unhealthy. If it is, you can do something about it.

There’s a Name For It

“Narcissism Awareness Grief” (NAG) is a condition coined by Dr. Christine Hammond, a Licensed Mental Health Counselor. She teaches that the loss of a mother’s love, warmth, interest, and connection is a momentous loss that must be consciously grieved.

Narcissism Awareness Grief acknowledges that our mothers’ narcissistic traits have negatively impacted us. When we begin to come to terms with how they have impacted us, we can break through the denial and start working through six stages of grief, to finally arrive at the final phase of Acceptance. When you fully understand and accept that you cannot change or control your mother’s perception of you, the ball is truly in your court. It’s from the point of Acceptance that your life can and will change. Remember, acceptance does not mean liking or agreeing. You can accept that your mother has narcissistic traits, but you don’t have to like it. Accepting and liking are two separate things.

I remember very well what it was like to experience Narcissism Awareness Grief. As I slowly became aware of how my mother’s narcissistic traits affected me, I felt a mixture of denial, disbelief, and a sense of overwhelming sadness. You see, when we discover that the dysfunction and trauma we experienced as children has an actual name, there’s an initial rush of validation. We suddenly realize that we’re not alone, that we’re not crazy, and that we haven’t imagined it. Narcissistic mistreatment, trauma, and abuse are real things, and we can recover from them.

Self-care

What can we adult children of maternal narcissists do to feel better on Mother’s Day?

Like most days, you can make the day into whatever you want. Here are a few suggestions that can help:

1. Question the card. Search for a generic Mother’s Day card, if you want to send a card at all. Giving a card that says “Best Mom in the World” is an act of denial. The first step to healing is admitting how you feel about your relationship. NO MORE DENIAL. It takes courage not to buy that lying card. If you want to give a card, find one, or make one, that better acknowledges how you feel.
2. Eliminate expectations. You can’t be disappointed if you don’t expect anything to be different this year. Learn to drop expectations.
3. Make new traditions. Do the day differently. Celebrate yourself! Do something you enjoy, whether solo or with a friend. Focus on self-care.
4. Feel and express your feelings. Give yourself permission to feel and express whatever you’re feeling. Give yourself space to cry, be angry, feel unloved, or grieve. Acknowledge that you have reason to feel these feelings, and validate your childhood memories. Write it all in a journal to get it out of your system in a healthy way.
5. Shift the focus. Practice gratitude, speak healing affirmations or do something nice for someone else.
6. Make an appointment. If Mother’s Day annually triggers anxiety or depression, give yourself the gift of scheduled time with a professional to start the healing process.
7. Seek support. Find support groups in your area or online. Talking with others who understand narcissism dynamics can help in your healing journey. And as always, don’t try to explain it to those who don’t. Others who don’t understand narcissism may unknowingly invalidate you, causing further pain or trauma.
8. Express gratitude to the mothers you know who are loving and kind. Honor other women who have given you motherly love, perhaps a grandmother, aunt, or friend.
9. If you are a mother, work to end the legacy of one-sided love. Acknowledge and be grateful for your ability to love.
10. Start working a recovery program so you don’t pass the legacy down to your children. If you are already working on healing, good for you! Do the work!

On Mother’s Day, let’s all honor the mothers who have given their children the gifts of love and nurturing. Let’s applaud the mothers who are working a program to change the family legacy of narcissistic mistreatment or abuse. And at the same time, let’s acknowledge the truths of the daughters and sons of mothers who cannot show love to their children.

You’re all in my thoughts,

Diane

More tools:

Start using positive detachment

Learn about Narcissism Awareness Grief

Learn to set boundaries

Learn about dysfunctional family roles

Understand trauma bonds

Learn about codependency and maladaptive coping skills

Understand the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle

Learn to drop expectations

More Resources You May Like:

I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self

A Workbook and Journal

How to write the highest vibrating, most powerful affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things

Sold worldwide in any bookstore.

Quick links:

Barnes and Noble

Amazon

Walmart

Author Site

Join the Free Email Survival Course:

Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward

from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.

Private Facebook group included for members only.

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About the Author

As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping skills and healing strategies for herself. She happily shares those with others who want to learn and grow. 

Her Lemon Moms series and other books and articles are a combination of her education, knowledge, personal growth, and insight from her childhood experiences and subsequent recovery work.

Diane holds a Master of Science degree in Information Technology and a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology. She’s worked in numerous fields, including domestic violence and abuse, and is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer about family dysfunction. On The Toolbox, she writes about recovery strategies from hurtful people and painful, dysfunctional, or toxic relationships. She has authored four transformational books about healing and moving forward from narcissistic Victim Syndrome.

Visit her author’s site here: DianeMetcalf.com

Learn about the Lemon Moms series here: Lemon Moms

This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

When a narcissistic mother doesn’t like aspects of her personality, she emotionally separates herself from those qualities and then projects those unacceptable traits onto one of her children. She will then mistreat that child for “having” those qualities. When she does this, she’s using a defense mechanism known as projection, which is what occurs when we attribute a trait that we dislike in ourselves as being another person’s, not our own (Brenner 2019). The mother now has reason to blame the child for anything she thinks, does, or says that she finds objectionable within herself, but is unwilling to admit or change.

“Even perceived rejection activates the brain’s pain centers.”

Scapegoating

When a narcissistic mom uses projection to protect her ego from her unlikeable qualities, there is a risk of neglect, maltreatment, abuse, blame, shame, or even physical violence to the children as a result. She’ll play a game of “whose fault is it? I know it’s not mine” (Brenner et al. 2018). Because narcissistic mothers are so controlling, they need to have reasons that explain undesirable happenings, and they insist on having a person to hold accountable. This phenomenon is known as scapegoating. The scapegoating practice happens in dysfunctional families, with the role of the scapegoat being either temporary or permanent. The scapegoat is the fall guy, the person who gets blamed for offenses and injustices that happen to anyone in the family. Family members, except for the narcissistic mom, often take turns playing the scapegoat role, and at any given time, the mom determines who the scapegoat is.

Tactics like scapegoating are all attempts of the mother to maintain control. When a narcissistic mom feels like she’s losing control over her kids, she will often lash out in vengeful ways, subtly or with direct hostility. Narcissistic mothers are highly reactive to any threat or challenge to their power. They have a sense of entitlement, ownership, and possession of their kids.

Manipulative Tactics

There is a multitude of ways that a narcissistic mother can emotionally injure her children. I believe these behaviors are the result of other, often unrelated issues, such as:

1. She’s not articulate or doesn’t have a strong vocabulary, so she’s not able to accurately express or describe what she’s thinking or feeling.

2. She doesn’t know how to identify her emotions.

3. She hasn’t had an emotionally healthy upbringing, or she hasn’t witnessed emotionally healthy relationships.

4. She’s emotionally immature and can’t regulate her emotions.

5. She hasn’t personally experienced or learned strong parenting skills.

Narcissistic mothers manipulate and control their children in a variety of ways:

• Withholding affection, affirmation, validation, attention, encouragement, praise, and other self-esteem building behaviors
• Exhibiting intense and scary displays of emotion and drama (“narcissistic rages”)
• Verbally abusing them with insults, criticism, and name-calling
• Threatening violence (may or may not be carried out)
• Maintaining a victim mentality
• Rejection
• Lying
• Giving the “silent treatment” as a form of punishment
• Exercising a “selective memory”
• Gaslighting to control perceptions and memories

I’m personally familiar with all of these tactics. Gaslighting is the one that harmed me the most. It’s an extremely emotionally and mentally destructive form of manipulation.

Even though most of the above-listed behaviors are not physically hurtful, each one can activate the pain centers in the human brain. Research in the field of neuroscience shows us that even perceived rejection activates the area of the brain where pain is felt (Eisenberger et al. 2004). The point is that verbal abuse, threats, rejection, and other forms of emotional mistreatment do hurt us.

Tools for Healing

Learn how to protect yourself with boundaries 

Learn about the narcissistic abuse cycle

Learn about dysfunctional family roles

Learn about codependency 

Learn why what you tell yourself matters

Learn why verbal abuse hurts us

More Resources You May Like:

I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self

A Workbook and Journal

How to write the highest vibrating, most powerful affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things

Sold worldwide in any bookstore.

Quick links:

Barnes and Noble

Amazon

Walmart

Author Site

Join the Free Email Survival Course:

Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward

from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.

Private Facebook group included for members only.

There’s an app for that!

Get THE TOOLBOX APP

for instant information, support, and validation!

The Lemon Moms Series:

B&N

Kindle

Audible

Amazon

Nook

Google

Apple

Available formats: eBook, audiobook, hardcover, paperback, and large print too!

Get the TOOLBOX articles twice monthly to your inbox!

About the Author

As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping skills and healing strategies for herself. She happily shares those with others who want to learn and grow. 

Her Lemon Moms series and other books and articles are a combination of her education, knowledge, personal growth, and insight from her childhood experiences and subsequent recovery work.

Diane holds a Master of Science degree in Information Technology and a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology. She’s worked in numerous fields, including domestic violence and abuse, and is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer about family dysfunction. On The Toolbox, she writes about recovery strategies from hurtful people and painful, dysfunctional, or toxic relationships. She has authored four transformational books about healing and moving forward from narcissistic Victim Syndrome.

Visit her author’s site here: DianeMetcalf.com

Learn about the Lemon Moms series here: Lemon Moms

This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

Narcissists, whether they have a few narcissistic behaviors, or full-blown Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD,) mistreat others. The hypervigilance, trauma bonds, and cognitive dissonance created during this wounding also create emotional triggers.

If you have a memory, or when a certain event happens, and you immediately feel angry, it’s because your brain hasn’t fully processed it before reacting. These types of knee-jerk reactions are your “emotional triggers.”

To identify our emotional triggers, (aka “buttons“) we need to examine our feelings and our reactions to these feelings in deeper detail.

For example

If I’m in line to buy something and someone cuts in front of me, I might immediately feel angry and lash out at that person. Why would I do that? Well, it’s about how I interpret what’s going on, but the cause of the anger might not be what I assume it is. Isolating the cause (the “trigger” or “button”) is what this article is all about.

This first step is not about judging yourself. It is about gaining awareness. It’s about getting to know your mind and catching what it’s doing without your permission. Noticing when unconscious programming takes over is a necessary step if you want to discover your triggers.

So, how can we discover and take control of our emotional triggers/buttons?

In the previous example, if my interpretation of the offending line-cutter is “they think they’re more important than me” or “they think they don’t have to wait like the rest of us,” or “what an entitled so-and-so! How disrespectful!” then I’ve given the line cutting behavior a specific meaning which relates to myself, and it may or may not be an accurate interpretation. The interpretation I’ve given the behavior might trigger feelings like: I don’t matter, I’m not important, or I’m not respected. It’s these first emotions that I feel(I don’t matter, I’m not important, I’m being disrespected) that trigger my anger.

But what if I stopped and gave the benefit of the doubt? What if I changed my interpretation? Maybe the person is stressed and in a hurry and didn’t notice the line? (I’ve done this myself.) What if they’re asking a quick question and don’t actually require service? (Not a nice thing to do, but still understandable and totally unrelated to me personally.) There are many other interpretations or reasons for someone’s behavior besides the limited ones that we can think of.

Let’s go deeper

Did you know that no one can “make” you feel angry? No one can “make” you feel anything, really. Our feelings are a choice. The behavior that results is also a choice. Those are big statements, and they’re backed by research. I’ve included the citations at the end of the article.

When you start this process of self-examination, it’s like peeling an onion. You’ll uncover hidden thoughts, beliefs, limitations, and judgments, and there will be surprises along the way. Everything that you uncover is an insight that will allow you to see yourself, and your world, from a larger perspective. This is called personal growth.

Example of a trigger

Let’s say someone does something, and the first thing that pops into your mind is that they think you’re not important! That you don’t matter! That you should be ashamed! Or that you’re stupid, don’t belong, or that they don’t like you. You immediately feel angry and want to say something mean or hurtful, or maybe you want to physically hurt them.

But let’s stop and take a closer look at what just took place. Upon closer inspection, you see that they didn’t actually SAY anything. The meaning for their behavior is coming from you and it’s causing you to feel an emotion! That first (primary) emotion is what’s causing your anger.

Whoa. Can you see that? Your interpretation of what they did may be correct or incorrect. The person has not actually said that you’re not important, that you don’t matter, that you should be ashamed, that you’re stupid, etc. It feels to you, through your interpretation, like that’s what they said or implied. Your interpretation determines what you will feel next. Do you see how your interpretation can drastically affect what you feel and what happens next?

Interpretation happens in your mind, and most of us, when we haven’t yet become aware, do not notice when it happens. That’s because it happens unconsciously. But after today, and when you start to apply conscious awareness, you will become aware of it. And when you change your interpretation of a memory or a present event, your primary emotion(s)and your resulting behavior also change. But what does that mean for you?

Now what?

After you acknowledge that you’ve interpreted a memory (or a present event,) and that the meaning caused you to feel a primary emotion (shame, dismissed, unimportant, disrespected, mocked, etc.,) that triggered anger, you can stop right there and question whether your interpretation was accurate or not.

Try to find out why you gave the memory or event that particular interpretation. Why not a different one? Asking and answering this question involves taking a fearless look at our less-than-perfect character traits and noticing which ones need improving. This is the opposite of blaming. This is knowing ourselves on a deeper level; knowing our buttons and why they exist in the first place. It’s about not only knowing what the buttons are but how to turn them off and shut them down for good.

Here are some primary emotions, or “buttons” that might trigger anger when pushed. Hint: It would be helpful to examine each one of these and journal your thoughts and insights about what you discover.

Primary emotional buttons that trigger anger:

1. Loss of control, powerlessness, victimization

If feelings of victimhood or loss of control are the primary emotion, you’ll be triggered to feel anger because you want to regain control over what’s happening, or what’s perceived to be happening. (Remember, a lot of this is your own interpretation.) These feelings, in particular, could cause you to overreact or lash out at others who triggered them. That’s because the loss of control, victimization, and fear are closely related. If you notice that you’re over-reacting or lashing out, take a look to see if you’re feeling powerless, victimized, or afraid.

2. Fear

Feeling afraid and feeling a loss of control are related, because the amygdala (a memory-creating brain structure) saves memories, not as stories, but as chunks and fragments of sensory input. Your memories are saved as bits and chunks of sounds, sights, smells, touches, and tastes. For those who have C-PTSD, any of these fragments that are also connected to fear can also trigger anger because of the strong need to regain control of the situation. (See number1.)

Our minds use fear as a method of keeping us safe. Even though fear is uncomfortable, it is a natural response, not a sign of weakness. When a memory causes you to re-experience feelings of fear, it’s OK to remind yourself that you’re in a safe place and that you’re experiencing a memory. It’s safe to examine this disturbing feeling a little deeper. When you begin to get a clearer picture of what’s really going on behind the scenes in your brain, by discovering the root cause of the fear, you’ll start to uncover the actual primary emotion trigger. Once you find the trigger, you can begin to understand it better, which will start you moving forward to remove its power in your life.

3. Frustration

Frustration is an emotional response to dealing with conditions that are outside of our realm of control. Being blocked from the desired outcome, or being challenged by a difficult task, are examples of events that can cause frustration. When someone feels frustrated, and it’s combined with fear, (for example, there is a difficult task that must be completed before a certain date to avoid negative consequences, and that date is drawing near) they may become aggressive. Often, when we feel frustrated, there is also a sense of powerlessness because you’re in a situation where you want to do something and you can’t. You feel like you have no available choices, or you don’t know what those choices are.

Focusing on a solution, rather than the problem, is always helpful. If you’re feeling frustrated about something, here are some questions to ask yourself that could change your perspective, and uncover a solution-

• What is it that I’m trying to achieve?
• Am I feeling blocked in the way I’m going about getting it?
• What are some other ways I can get it? Think of at least two.
• What steps can I take right now?
• Do I need to start working on accepting that I can’t change this situation?
• Do I need to change my goal, rather than give it up?
• Am I allowing fear to control my responses? How can I change that?

4. Feeling tired or overwhelmed

Feeling worn-out or exhausted impacts our ability to cope with challenging situations. When we’re tired, our minds can’t work at full capacity, and we may find ourselves misperceiving, misunderstanding, or making poor decisions. When we need rest, our patience and emotional resilience are low. You may feel like you’re at your limit for what you can handle, and that’s also connected to feeling frustrated. When you’re at your limit, feeling like you have no more ability to cope can feel scary and may cause you to feel afraid. Being pushed over that limit can trigger anger.

Are you beginning to see how fear keeps coming up in these scenarios? Fear is connected to many of our triggers.

When you’re feeling overwhelmed, stop and see if you can find the cause. Are you tired? Under more stress than usual? Are you in pain? Have you experienced a loss? Have your responsibilities increased? Have you lost a support system? Had a financial loss? What else has changed in your life recently?

Break the cause into smaller chunks and see where it becomes unmanageable. Do you need to ask for help with this unmanageable piece?

What are some healthy ways that you can start to respond to feeling overwhelmed? (Hint: take a nap, go to bed early, eat something if you’re hungry, call someone, move your body; go for a walk, do something physical, talk to someone, read.)

5. Grief

Grief is an overwhelming emotion, and it’s one of the hardest to deal with. Part of the dawning awareness that someone’s narcissistic behavior has negatively affected us, is noticing a strong feeling of loss. Feelings of loss can be confusing and painful, and often when going through the process of Narcissism Awareness Grief, we feel that sense of loss. We aren’t mourning for what we had. We are mourning for what we didn’t have; we are mourning for what could have been.

We mourn our lost sense of self. We mourn the love and acceptance we never got to experience, especially if we’re an invisible or scapegoat child. We grieve our lost sense of security because we were gaslighted. We mourn all the lost time, the time spent believing lies and engaging in people-pleasing. We mourn the loss of a soul connection. It’s natural to feel angry when there’s such a huge amount of loss.

When you’re angry, and you’re not sure why, ask yourself if grief could be the cause. Does the current situation remind you of something you’ve lost, could have had, or desired? If your anger is indeed grief-related, that’s an indication that you need to start working through the grief. Learn about the stages of grief and Narcissism Awareness Grief in particular. Get into a support group or find a therapist. Please don’t let being stuck in grief rob you of a happier future.

6. Codependent coping

When we’re codependent, we likely don’t know how to validate and affirm ourselves, and we look to others to fulfill those needs. When we don’t feel good about ourselves, have low self-esteem or have low self-confidence, we look for validation and approval from others. And we may go to incredible lengths to please others in order to get that validation, affirmation, and some semblance of self-worth. When we have a weak sense of worth, our anger jumps out in defense. When someone doesn’t acknowledge or appreciate what we’ve done for them (even if they didn’t ask for our help), we feel hurt and resentful, and those can trigger anger.

Codependency ends when we start feeling “good enough” and can approve and validate ourselves. Validation is incredibly important. Once you’re able to validate yourself, you‘ll be less likely to seek out others to do it for you. You won’t need to step in and do things for others when they haven’t asked you to. You’ll begin to know yourself more deeply than you did when you were focused on care-taking someone else.

Why do you need this person’s approval? Why is the approval so important to you? What will their approval change about you? What will happen if you don’t get it? If you don’t get it, would that change anything, really? What beliefs about yourself would it change? Is their approval the only thing that will cause this change? What can you do to start feeling better about yourself regardless of how they respond to you? What else might improve your self-esteem? What might increase your self-confidence? When will you start doing those?

7. Betrayal hurt

When we go through Narcissism Awareness Grief, we often feel betrayed. Betrayal hurts our hearts and can affect how we think and feel, and what we believe. At least temporarily.

It’s hard to understand how and why someone could hurt us so deeply. These underlying hurt feelings, along with those of disappointment and betrayal can all trigger anger. Acknowledge the feelings of pain, betrayal, and disappointment. Work on accepting that the narcissist in your life truly cannot behave any differently. Without a desire or motivation to change, there will be no change. The changes in how you feel must come from you.

8. Weak boundaries

If we have weak boundaries or don’t enforce the boundaries we have, the more likely we are to react in anger when they’re challenged or violated.

You are worthy of love and respect simply because you exist. If you’re in a situation where you’re treated unlovingly or disrespectfully, that may cause you to feel angry or resentful. You may not understand why you feel that way. You feel that way because that person is not validating you. Being validated is a basic human need. If someone’s invalidation triggers your anger, you may want to look into self-empowerment and ways of developing a stronger sense of self-worth. When you value yourself and can validate yourself, it’s less likely that another’s lack of validation will trigger you.

By taking the time to understand where your anger comes from, you’ll learn a lot about yourself and begin to heal your triggers. You’ll begin feeling a new sense of peace and calm. When someone or something triggers you, you’ll consciously understand what’s happening and be able to deal with it accordingly. You’ll feel in control of your feelings instead of like your feelings are controlling you.

Will all of your triggers ever be healed? Probably not. I say this because you’re alive, having new experiences, and developing new triggers throughout life. Discovering and healing triggers is a life-long process. It’s just part of good self-care.

Sometimes all it takes is awareness of what’s happening “behind the scenes” in your brain to uncover an unknown trigger. Sometimes when I notice a trigger being activated I say to myself, “I’m being triggered right now,” and it’s often enough to shut down a potentially ugly scenario and maintain my emotional control. With a little practice, you’ll begin noticing your triggers and responding to them in a different, healthier way. You’ll begin seeing your anger as a tool for deeper self-understanding.

Learn More: Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism

References:

Beck, A.T. (2008). The evolution of the cognitive model of depression and its neurobiological correlates. American Journal of Psychiatry, 165, 969-977.

Gross J.J (2014). Handbook of Emotion Regulation. 2nd ed. New York: Guilford Press.

Metcalf, D. (2020) Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism

Plassmann, H., O’Doherty, J., Shiv, B., & Rangel, A. (2008). Marketing actions can modulate neural representations of experienced pleasantness. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences (USA),105(3), 1050–1054.

Solomon, R.C. (2007). True to our feelings: What our emotions are really telling us. New York: Oxford University Press.

More tools for healing:

Learn about dysfunctional family roles

Learn about codependency 

Learn coping skills for the holidays and family visits

Learn why what you tell yourself matters

Learn why verbal abuse hurts us

Learn how to protect yourself with boundaries 

Learn about the narcissistic abuse cycle

More Resources You May Like:

I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self

A Workbook and Journal

How to write the highest vibrating, most powerful affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things

Sold worldwide in any bookstore.

Quick links:

Barnes and Noble

Amazon

Walmart

Author Site

Join the Free Email Survival Course:

Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward

from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.

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Available formats: eBook, audiobook, hardcover, paperback, and large print too!

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About the Author

As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping skills and healing strategies for herself. She happily shares those with others who want to learn and grow. 

Her Lemon Moms series and other books and articles are a combination of her education, knowledge, personal growth, and insight from her childhood experiences and subsequent recovery work.

Diane holds a Master of Science degree in Information Technology and a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology. She’s worked in numerous fields, including domestic violence and abuse, and is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer about family dysfunction. On The Toolbox, she writes about recovery strategies from hurtful people and painful, dysfunctional, or toxic relationships. She has authored four transformational books about healing and moving forward from narcissistic Victim Syndrome.

Visit her author’s site here: DianeMetcalf.com

Learn about the Lemon Moms series here: Lemon Moms

This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

For decades I struggled physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally with the realization that I had a mother who chose solely minimal involvement with me since I was a child. She was often hurtful, spiteful, and mean-spirited. The continual emotional abandonment that I felt during those years was real. Throughout, I continually longed for and chased after her ever-withheld love, affection, and acceptance. I felt like I was lost in the woods, wandering a deep, dark, dangerous forest, unable to find my way home for so very long. Subsequently, I mourned the loss of my mother decades ago when she was very much alive. There are no more tears left to shed.

When I was able to accept that I was only as valuable to my mother as the things I could do or provide for her, I began to deal with the core problem: my codependency. Finally, I found the path and began reversing the codependent thoughts and behaviors. It literally changed everything.

If you’ve read my book Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism, you already know that my mother had many narcissistic traits. Among other types of controlling behavior, she often used fear of abandonment to manipulate me as a child. She threatened to give me away to strangers, put me in an orphanage, or send me to live with my father, whom she repeatedly said: “didn’t love us or want anything to do with us.”

And so, because I didn’t want to lose my home, I lived in constant fear of doing the “right thing,” whatever the right thing was at any particular time. “The right thing” could and did change without warning, so I needed to remain constantly alert for changes in her tone of voice, behavior, and in our overall home environment. As a result, I learned to continually take her “emotional temperature” to keep myself safe.

My mom parented by blaming, shaming, intimidating, threatening, and physically punishing. In the earliest years, I learned that I was somehow to blame for everything that displeased her. Second-guessing and doubting myself became a way of life. I felt like a burden, believing that I made her life harder simply because I existed. I stayed out of her way as much as possible.

I felt lonely and alone because there was no one to talk with about this way of life. Most of the people I knew were only able to see my mother’s public “false face,” and so they thought she was a wonderful mother and human being. Only those of us who lived with her saw both faces, the real and the false. Only those of us who lived with her experienced her true self.

Words Matter

My mother shared her thoughts and feelings with me in frightening, highly emotionally charged, biased, and inappropriate ways when I was a young child. Gaslighting and the resulting cognitive dissonance distorted my perceptions and reality. Her behavior initiated my codependency, and her words guaranteed it.

There were no boundaries in our home, but there was lots of name-calling, invalidation, uncommunicated expectations, and neglect. I stayed up as late as I wanted. I was expected to care for my younger siblings and was blamed and sometimes punished for their misbehavior.

I was not allowed to openly express feelings, ask questions, or show initiative or curiosity. My emotions were discounted, minimized, or invalidated. Asking questions or taking action meant I was challenging my mother, and that was not tolerated. She rewrote my memories, and I was expected to believe her version. I was to obey, stay quiet and not question.

My mom called me hurtful names and obscenities, and at times, as a form of punishment, she ignored me, not speaking to me for days, weeks, or even months.

Awakening

Reading, researching, and working with various therapists eventually led me into Narcissism Awareness Grief, a term coined by Dr. Christine Hammond. Narcissism Awareness Grief begins when you become aware of someone’s narcissistic traits and realize how they have negatively impacted you. Using this new lens; looking at my past in terms of my mother’s narcissistic traits, I re-examined my childhood experiences. I saw how those long ago, unhealed traumatic incidents affected my current adult relationships. I set out to learn the things I should have learned as a child, like how to trust, validate and affirm myself. Like how to calm my nervous system, and stop the hypervigilance. I discovered and learned how to control my triggers. I healed my cognitive dissonance, and C-PTSD symptoms, and taught my inner child to trust. I replaced codependent coping and thinking with healthy coping and thinking. In the process, I discovered and uncovered my true, authentic self. I found my voice and began to finally speak my truth without feeling shame. I felt whole and worthy for the first time in my life.

So as I come to terms with the finality of my mother’s death and the end of our painful relationship, I find myself feeling grateful for my recovery work, my therapists and teachers, my inner child, my higher power, and especially my authentic self. I know she will always be truthful, supportive, validating, and affirming. She will always have my back.

I’m here. I’m alive. I’m grateful. I’m ready.

Tools:

Learn about dysfunctional family roles

Understand the Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse

Learn about setting boundaries 

Learn about codependency and maladaptive coping skills

Learn about Narcissism Awareness Grief

Let go of what you can’t control using loving-detachment

Learn about expectations

Conscious awareness:  Be aware and make conscious choices before acting. Self-awareness releases us from making impulsive and potentially damaging decisions.

Self-care: We are in control of ourselves and no one is responsible for us but us. We can only choose to focus on and be responsible for ourselves, our own thoughts, actions, and behavior. We can change ourselves with patience, persistence, and practice. When we take responsibility for getting our needs met, instead of waiting for someone to change or meet our needs for us, we are healing.

More Resources You May Like:

I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self

A Workbook and Journal

How to write the highest vibrating, most powerful affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things

Sold worldwide in any bookstore.

Quick links:

Barnes and Noble

Amazon

Walmart

Author Site

Join the Free Email Survival Course:

Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward

from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.

Private Facebook group included for members only.

There’s an app for that!

Get THE TOOLBOX APP

for instant information, support, and validation!

The Lemon Moms Series:

B&N

Kindle

Audible

Amazon

Nook

Google

Apple

Available formats: eBook, audiobook, hardcover, paperback, and large print too!

Get the TOOLBOX articles twice monthly to your inbox!

About the Author

As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping skills and healing strategies for herself. She happily shares those with others who want to learn and grow. 

Her Lemon Moms series and other books and articles are a combination of her education, knowledge, personal growth, and insight from her childhood experiences and subsequent recovery work.

Diane holds a Master of Science degree in Information Technology and a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology. She’s worked in numerous fields, including domestic violence and abuse, and is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer about family dysfunction. On The Toolbox, she writes about recovery strategies from hurtful people and painful, dysfunctional, or toxic relationships. She has authored four transformational books about healing and moving forward from narcissistic Victim Syndrome.

Visit her author’s site here: DianeMetcalf.com

Learn about the Lemon Moms series here: Lemon Moms

This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

Grandiose Narcissism

“Grandiose” narcissism is the textbook type of narcissism that comes to mind when most people hear the term “narcissism.” It’s also known as high-functioning, exhibitionist, or classic narcissism. These narcissists are extroverted, dominant, and always seem to be pursuing power and prestige. They believe that they’re a step above everyone else, that they’re smarter, better-looking, and more powerful. Grandiose narcissists brag about themselves and will put down others as a way to raise their feelings of self-importance. They’re often rude, insensitive, and even cruel. They ignore, are unaware of, or don’t care about how their behavior affects others.

In the case of narcissistic mothers, they view their children as extensions of themselves rather than as people in their own right with thoughts, feelings, perceptions, goals, ideas, dreams, and desires of their own. For narcissistic moms, children are a means for obtaining admiration and validation. As we’ve seen, the false face behaves socially acceptably and imitates empathy. This makes narcissistic moms highly emotionally invested in perpetuating their false face. Keeping the false face frontward makes a narcissistic mother appear to be kind, compassionate, and empathetic. Her children will always be a means of gratifying and escalating this false self.

Vulnerable Narcissism

Vulnerable narcissism is the other type. These narcissists are also known as fragile, compensatory, self-effacing, or closet narcissists. They have the same characteristics as a grandiose narcissist, except they would rather stay behind the scenes instead of being in the spotlight.

Because they prefer to stay away from attention, they’re harder to recognize. They can go a long time before being discovered to be a narcissist. They’re often quiet, shy, or reserved, but they’re still emotionally demanding and draining for others to be around. Like grandiose narcissists, they feel entitled, but they’re also insecure. They can be generous with their time or money as a way of getting compliments, affirmation, or praise, but because of their self-doubt, they would rather associate with people whom they idealize. They choose to attach to talented, famous, or influential individuals to satisfy their need to feel special.

Like grandiose narcissists, vulnerable narcissists believe they’re faultless, and they get irritated when others fail to see their perfection. Their lives revolve around the task of convincing everyone of their greatness. They often present themselves as victims, regardless of the circumstances. They enjoy playing the victim role (I call it being a “poor me”) to get attention in the form of sympathy or pity.

Vulnerable narcissists are prone to depression, mainly because they think that their life doesn’t align with their ideas of what it should be or what they’re entitled to. This inconsistency may cause them to act impulsively without considering the consequences. For example, they may abruptly quit their job before finding another because the work or their coworkers or supervisors don’t match their expectations or fantasies.

Two Ways Of Getting Supply

Narcissism “subtypes” describe the method that grandiose or vulnerable narcissists use to get their emotional and egotistical needs met, known as “narcissistic supply.” If the way of getting their narcissistic supply is easy to spot, the individual is probably an overt narcissist.

Overt Narcissism

While all narcissists will brag, take advantage of people, and speak negatively about others to make themselves look superior, overt narcissists will do these things in distinct, very noticeable ways. For example, overt narcissists attract attention to themselves directly in ways such as over-dressing, or dressing provocatively, talking too loudly, wearing attention-getting makeup, hairstyles, or accessories, or driving conspicuous vehicles. They require admiration, and if they don’t get it, they react with rage, ridicule, mockery, or humiliation. They like to use charm and flattery so people will like them although they’re arrogant, proud, and view others as insignificant or as competitors to conquer. They feel entitled and expect special treatment.

Covert Narcissism

Covert narcissism, on the other hand, is subtle, and it can be tricky to identify. Covert narcissists are more cautious and reserved in the ways they get their supply.

If we find ourselves denying, minimizing, or making excuses for someone’s behavior, that’s a red flag. If you start feeling like a detective on the lookout for reasons to explain someone’s behavior, pay attention to that. They could be a covert narcissist.

Because of the reserved way that covert narcissists get their supply, it’s understandable that covert narcissistic moms get their supply mainly from their children. It’s about how her children make her appear as a mother. Whatever you do to make her look good in front of others is a form of supply for her. If you give her a gift, she’ll brag about it because receiving a gift from her child makes her appear to be a well-loved mother. When she gives you gifts, though, there are always “strings” attached. She can’t give for the sake of giving. She expects something in return, in the form of loyalty, emotional caretaking, secret-keeping, or admiration.

Taking care of her needs will be number one on her priority list, and her children’s needs will be further down. If you question her, she’ll assume you’re challenging her, and she’ll become defensive, maybe violent. She doesn’t respect your boundaries or your privacy. She’s totally at ease going into your personal space, looking in your purse, reading your diary, listening to your phone conversations, reading private mail and documents, and sharing your personal and private information with others. Because of this, you’ll feel a sense of shame in multiple areas, but you won’t realize that these behaviors are its source.

Living with a Covert Narcissistic Mother

If your mom is a covert narcissist, you may sense that something isn’t “right” in your relationship, but you can’t quite “put your finger on it.” It could be the way she expresses herself, or that things she does or says confuse you. Sensing that something’s not adding up, but not being able to identify what it is can stir up feelings of anxiety and the desire to avoid her. If your mom is a narcissist, it can feel like she’s sucking the life right out of us; we may feel exhausted after spending time with her, and we don’t understand the reasons why.

As kids, if mom is a covert narcissist, we can’t exactly avoid her, so we’re likely to become hyperaware of her moods and behaviors instead. Our intuition, our gut feelings, alert us when something’s going on that we don’t comprehend. We know we need to be careful, and we may be sensing danger.

If your mother is a covert narcissist, your sense of self-preservation will more than likely intensify over time, causing you to become exceptionally alert and aware of your mother’s behavior. You might have ongoing feelings of uneasiness when you’re with her; it may feel like you’re not entirely emotionally or physically safe. Those of us who are children of covert narcissists may have started feeling distrustful of our mothers without having a concrete reason, and this can make us question our judgment. That’s the last thing we should do!

If there is no professional diagnosis, it doesn’t mean we imagine the problem or that something’s wrong with our perception. We’re sensing something that we can’t physically see or explain, but it’s still authentic. Our intuition is real. When it alerts us, we need to pay attention.

Covert narcissist traits make it difficult for others to see anything “wrong” with mom. Most of the time, there’s nothing concrete to point to. Sure, we have lots of examples of her strange and confusing behavior, and we can speak at length about her unusual way of thinking, perceiving, or expressing herself, including that she’s either the victim or the hero in any scenario. Without a broader context or the experience of living with her, it’s difficult for others to see that there’s something fundamentally inappropriate going on. The biggest reasons for going undetected as a narcissist, I think, are the use of the false public self combined with subtle forms of manipulation and mind games like gaslighting and triangulation. All of these make it very hard for others, who only see her false face, to recognize her as a narcissist.

Triangulation

A covert narcissist mother tends to employ passive-aggressive behavior: for example, sulking, giving backhanded compliments, using procrastination and withdrawal to avoid interaction or activity, and refusing to talk (Cherry 2019). They enjoy guilt-tripping and pushing responsibilities on us that aren’t ours. They also like causing conflict between us and others. She uses a manipulative tactic called “triangulation”: when one person manipulates the relationship between two other people by controlling the amount and type of communication they have. She controls the narrative, which generates rivalry between the two parties and acts as a way to “divide and conquer,” playing one person against the other. My mother thoroughly enjoyed this game. She did it with me as well as cousins, aunts, and friends. A therapist once called it “stirring the pot,” and I’ve held onto that analogy.

Triangulation is toxic, but you can learn to use techniques and tools to deal with it in a whole new and healthy way. For instance, you can start speaking directly to the other person in the triangle to remove your mother’s input. Get your information directly rather than from your mother and suggest that others do the same. At the time I learned how to handle triangulation, I was decisively starting to take my personal power back. I was no longer willing to accept lies or gaslighting, and I started speaking up for myself. That was the beginning of my recovery. It’s called “setting boundaries,” and I write more about that in later chapters.

Exclusion

A covert narcissist-mom also likes to use “exclusionary behaviors,” such as withholding affection and attention from us or temporarily withdrawing from our lives. Then she’ll shower a specific person with copious amounts of love and attention. When she does this, it can feel like a punch in the gut, like she’s punishing us. That’s because it’s exactly what she’s doing, and it’s deliberate. It gives her a rush of power and superiority.

She has no empathy and can’t understand how we feel, but she knows that at that moment, she’s in control and has the power to hurt us. When you feel excluded, it can become a great time to practice getting in touch with your emotions by becoming self-aware and practicing mindfulness. Validate yourself by acknowledging how her behavior makes you feel. Do you notice any patterns when she’s about to make you feel like an outsider? Is there a way to halt those patterns before they start? If not, then practice getting comfortable with being an outsider. When you’re excluded, practice controlling your emotions and recognizing your triggers. Think of your triggers as little suitcases that you need to unpack and examine the contents. You’ll be surprised at what you find.

When you’re ready, you’ll begin to apply a bit of loving detachment and set some boundaries around the exclusionary behavior. (You’ll learn more about detachment and boundary-setting in later chapters.)

Guilt

Narcissists don’t feel a sense of remorse or conscience. They believe that everything they do is justified or is someone else’s fault. They don’t take responsibility for their actions, which makes them unable to feel guilt. To feel guilty, it’s necessary to feel empathy and remorse.

Guilt is a positive and healthy thing. It’s a form of cognitive dissonance, a way of holding a mirror up and seeing the discrepancy between “this is who you say you are, but this is what you did.” We feel guilty when “who we are” and “what we did” are not aligned. This misalignment causes us to feel guilt and empathy for the person we wronged. For example, if I believe I’m a gentle, kind, and loving person, and I make a cruel remark to someone, my perception of “who I am” no longer matches my behavior: “what I did.” A gentle, kind, and loving person would not intentionally say mean things. I would be motivated by feelings of guilt to apologize for my conduct. The cognitive dissonance that guilt provides drives us to atone for our inappropriate actions.

Feeling guilty, remorseful, or apologetic are beyond a narcissist’s capabilities. We will never get an apology from a narcissist-mom. Instead, we’ll get a weird version of an excuse where she justifies or defends what she did if she’s even willing to admit what she did. Or we may get the silent treatment until she feels she’s punished us sufficiently. It’s all so arbitrary, and somehow the message will always be that her actions were our fault.

With a covert narcissist-mom, her needs and emotions always come first, because they’re of utmost importance to her. Her children’s needs and feelings may or may not be relevant, depending on how she feels at the moment (about herself, about life, etc.). She sees everything as a competition, and nothing that has ever happened or will happen to her children could ever compare to what she has experienced. Her experiences are always more highly valued. This is known as “one-upmanship.”

When we’re around her, we’ll eventually develop an apprehension of saying or doing the wrong thing, and a feeling of “walking on eggshells” or tippy-toeing around her to avoid upsetting her, making her angry, or setting her off. We live with a genuine understanding that we’re not emotionally safe with her. She hijacks everything we say or do and makes it about herself. Anything we say or do that displeases her will be remembered, brought up, and held against us in the future, and so we try to avoid confrontation of any kind.

The result of this focus is that we start to feel responsible for her feelings and actions. We become her emotional guardians and caretakers even to the point that we allow her to isolate us from friends and family or to control whom we interact with.

We all need someone to talk to and share our problems with or bounce ideas off. Sharing with friends or family who aren’t familiar with toxic relationships, and specifically, narcissism can frustrate or hurt us even more. Others don’t know that they’re invalidating us or discounting our experiences. They only know our mother’s false face. That’s why I repeatedly suggest talking to a neutral party, like a counselor who understands this disorder.

Mixed Messages

If your mother is a covert narcissist, you might notice discrepancies between her words and her actions, meaning that they don’t match up. This can make you feel edgy (that “walking on eggshells” feeling), and being in this state of mind heightens your fight-or-flight response. The fight-or-flight mode causes a sudden and quick hormone release that activates the body’s ability to deal with danger or threats. Adrenaline and noradrenaline are two of the hormones released during the fight-or-flight response; they increase blood pressure, heart, and breathing rate. We’ll talk more about the fight-or-flight response and what it does in later chapters. In the meantime, just know that mixed messages contribute to feelings of being on high-alert, edginess, and confusion.

A narcissistic mom’s mixed messages are a type of communication where one party sends conflicting information to another, either verbally or nonverbally.

Mixed messages come in various packages:

• What she says conflicts with what she previously said.
• What she does conflicts with what she previously did.
• What she says conflicts with what she does.
• What she says conflicts with her facial expressions or body language.

An example of “words not matching facial expression/body language” would be when mom says she’s happy to see you, but she frowns, and her tone of voice is sarcastic. This would be confusing because of the conflicting information you’re getting: “happy” means that a person’s face would show joy, usually by smiling. A happy person would not frown. “Sarcasm” is used to mock or convey contempt. It’s used to inflict pain and is often described as wounding.

Do you see how these mixed messages can cause feelings of confusion? In this example, an empowering response would be: “I’m confused. You say you’re happy to see me, yet you look so ______ (angry, sad, depressed, etc.) I don’t get it. What’s going on?” This response puts the confusion back on her. It informs her that you’re aware of what she’s doing, and it sets the expectation for her to clarify her communication. It signals that you’re not going to tolerate that kind of behavior any longer. It’s empowering because you don’t have to accept the confusion or ruminate over it anymore.

An example of “words not matching actions” would be when mom brags about how caring and empathetic she is, but you haven’t seen any evidence of this. There’s a term for this behavior; it’s called virtue signaling. When a person indeed possesses a character trait, they don’t have to announce or advertise it. They simply live it, and people notice. Covert narcissists want us to believe what they tell us about themselves, instead of what we see for ourselves. I view this as another form of gaslighting.

Tools:

Conscious awareness:  Be aware and make conscious choices before acting. Self-awareness releases us from making impulsive and potentially damaging decisions.

Self-care: We can only choose to focus on and be responsible for ourselves, our own thoughts, actions, and behavior. The good news is that we can change ourselves with patience, persistence, and practice. We can take responsibility for getting our needs met, instead of waiting for someone to change or meet our needs for us. We are in control of ourselves and no one is responsible for us but us.

Take the Adverse Childhood Experiences quiz

Set boundaries 

Understand how the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle is different

Learn about codependency

Learn about letting go of what you can’t control, by using loving-detachment

Learn about expectations

More Resources You May Like:

I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self

A Workbook and Journal

How to write the highest vibrating, most powerful affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things

Sold worldwide in any bookstore.

Quick links:

Barnes and Noble

Amazon

Walmart

Author Site

Join the Free Email Survival Course:

Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward

from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.

Private Facebook group included for members only.

There’s an app for that!

Get THE TOOLBOX APP

for instant information, support, and validation!

The Lemon Moms Series:

B&N

Kindle

Audible

Amazon

Nook

Google

Apple

Available formats: eBook, audiobook, hardcover, paperback, and large print too!

Get the TOOLBOX articles twice monthly to your inbox!

About the Author

As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping skills and healing strategies for herself. She happily shares those with others who want to learn and grow. 

Her Lemon Moms series and other books and articles are a combination of her education, knowledge, personal growth, and insight from her childhood experiences and subsequent recovery work.

Diane holds a Master of Science degree in Information Technology and a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology. She’s worked in numerous fields, including domestic violence and abuse, and is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer about family dysfunction. On The Toolbox, she writes about recovery strategies from hurtful people and painful, dysfunctional, or toxic relationships. She has authored four transformational books about healing and moving forward from narcissistic Victim Syndrome.

Visit her author’s site here: DianeMetcalf.com

Learn about the Lemon Moms series here: Lemon Moms

This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

The Golden Child: The Golden Child’s role is to bring positive attention to the mother and the family. They are the favorite, and as such, may have a special status and receive more attention and praise. They’re the ones that get bragged about. They make the narcissistic mom look great as a mother. Even so, she will always take some credit for their accomplishments. When they walk into the room, mom’s focus is on them. Golden Children may grow up to be adults who are compulsive overachievers or perfectionists who feel a loss of identity and have low self-esteem.

“Forms of idealizing include praise, attention, and bragging. Types of devaluing include criticizing, blaming, shaming, lying about, lying to, intentionally frightening, projecting, and gaslighting.”

The Invisible Child (aka Lost Child): The Invisible Child “stays under the radar,” follows the rules unquestioningly, is quiet, and is easy-going. Invisible Children are often taken for granted, and their needs are neglected because they never complain or ask for anything. Invisible Children may internalize a sense of having no impact on others, or that their input does not matter. They may grow up to feel insignificant and inconsequential because their sense of identity has not fully developed (Stines, 2018).

The Scapegoat: The Scapegoat’s role is to bear the blame for all of the family’s problems. They are the butt of jokes and get less of everything than the other siblings. They are seen as the problem child. Scapegoats often grow up to become the ones who speak up and challenge the dysfunction. They’re the ones telling the truth about what’s going on in the family and will act out the frustration, anger, and feelings of the entire family (Cole 2019).

When we suddenly and unexpectedly become the Scapegoat, it leaves us wondering what the heck just happened. Was it something I said (or didn’t mention or was supposed to mention)? Was it something I did (or didn’t do or did but not correctly)? If not me, then who or what was it? Was it another family member? A friend? Her boss? The traffic? Did something happen at work? Was it the weather? Maybe it was a coworker. Or her supervisor. Perhaps it was the cat? Or something she got (or didn’t get) in the mail?

When I found myself in the Scapegoat position, I could literally spend hours trying to figure out why. I wanted and needed to fix it, or at least to understand what had so hugely affected my position within the family. I wanted to attempt to control it and not let it happen again.

A sudden change in family positions is upsetting. These random role reversals affect our sense of observation, decision-making, and self-trust because we never know if the explanation we’re giving ourselves is accurate. And we’re continuously guessing our current standing within the family. And if we’re the Golden Child, we’re also appeasing and pleasing our mom because we don’t want to lose that privilege.

“Narcissistic mothers revel in generating competition between their children and emotionally distancing them from one another.”

Living with a narcissistic mother has been described as “living in a war zone.” Those of us who’ve lived under those circumstances were usually on high alert, in fight-or-flight survival mode, because we had no idea when the next attack or role reversal would happen. It meant we were continuously producing stress hormones like adrenaline and cortisol, so it was a common occurrence to feel confused or experience scattered thinking, and have difficulty making decisions, or remembering. Eventually, we became emotionally and physically exhausted.

There are other subtle ways that narcissistic mothers attempt to control or manipulate their children:

• Belittling, criticizing, and name-calling
• Patronizing and being condescending
• Publicly or privately embarrassing their children
• Threatening their children in some way
• Ordering their children to do things, taking away their choices
• Controlling money or access to it
• Monitoring and controlling whereabouts
• Exhibiting scary, emotional outbursts
• Acting on jealousy
• Using manipulative or guilt-inducing ploys
• Isolating children from friends, family members, or social connections
• Being indifferent to her children’s needs
• Denying or trivializing feelings

Any combination of these behaviors can result in lowering or destroying a child’s self-esteem and cause them to feel unnecessary fear and shame (McBride 2018).

Why It Happens

Because narcissistic mothers are so controlling, they need to have reasons that explain undesirable happenings, and they insist on having a person to hold accountable. This phenomenon is known as scapegoating.

When a narcissistic mom protects her ego from her own unlikeable qualities, she “projects” them onto the Scapegoat child. There is a risk of neglect, maltreatment, abuse, blame, shame, or even physical violence to these children as a result. She’ll play a game of “whose fault is it? I know it’s not mine” (Brenner et al. 2018). The scapegoating practice happens in dysfunctional families, with the role of the scapegoat being either temporary or permanent. The scapegoat is the “fall guy,” the person who gets blamed for offenses and injustices that happen to anyone in the family. Family members, except for the narcissistic mom, often take turns playing the scapegoat role, and at any given time, the mom determines who the scapegoat is.

Tactics like scapegoating are all attempts of the mother to maintain control. When a narcissistic mom feels like she’s losing control over her kids, she will often lash out in vengeful ways, subtly or with direct hostility. Narcissistic mothers are highly reactive to any threat or challenge to their power. They have a sense of entitlement, ownership, and possession of their kids.

More Manipulative Tactics

There is a multitude of ways that a narcissistic mother can emotionally injure her children. I believe these behaviors are the result of other, often unrelated issues, such as:

1. She’s not articulate or doesn’t have a strong vocabulary, so she’s not able to accurately express or describe what she’s thinking or feeling.
2. She doesn’t know how to identify her emotions.
3. She hasn’t had an emotionally healthy upbringing, or she hasn’t witnessed emotionally healthy relationships.
4. She’s emotionally immature and can’t regulate her emotions.
5. She hasn’t personally experienced or learned strong parenting skills.

Narcissistic mothers manipulate and control their children in a variety of ways:

• Withholding affection, affirmation, validation, attention, encouragement, praise, and other self-esteem building behaviors
• Exhibiting intense and scary displays of emotion and drama (“narcissistic rages”)
• Verbally abusing them with insults, criticism, and name-calling
• Threatening violence (may or may not be carried out)
• Maintaining a victim mentality
• Rejection
• Lying
• Giving the “silent treatment” as a form of punishment
• Exercising a “selective memory”
• Gaslighting to control perceptions and memories

I’m personally familiar with all of these tactics. Gaslighting is the one that harmed me the most. It’s an extremely emotionally and mentally destructive form of manipulation.

Even though most of the above-listed behaviors are not physically hurtful, each one can activate the pain centers in the human brain. Research in the field of neuroscience shows us that even perceived rejection activates the area of the brain where pain is felt (Eisenberger et al. 2004). The point is that verbal abuse, threats, rejection, and other forms of emotional mistreatment do hurt us.

“Stirring the Pot” (Triangulation)

A narcissistic mother revels in generating competition between her children and emotionally distancing them from one another. These moms enjoy creating distrust, doubt, insecurity, competition, and resentment between siblings. As I’ve mentioned, this is called triangulation. It’s also a manipulative tactic, used to control information or interactions between individuals.

A therapist once suggested that triangulation was a form of entertainment for my mom. She liked creating drama. She’d stir up trouble, then sit back and enjoy the show. For example, my mom would say one thing to me, putting a specific person in a negative light, and then she’d provide a slightly different version, with me as the “bad guy,” to the other person. When we sensed that something negative was happening between us, but not of our own doing, the other person and I began communicating directly with each other. We compared the different versions of my mother’s stories and soon came to realize that we were being manipulated seemingly for my mother’s amusement. I informed my mother that we were aware of what she was doing. Of course, she flipped the scenario, instantly becoming the innocent victim, but the triangulation stopped pretty much immediately.

More on Triangulation later.

Tools for healing:

Conscious awareness:  Be aware and make conscious choices before acting. Self-awareness releases us from making impulsive and potentially damaging decisions.

Learn how to practice mindfulness.

Understand the Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse

Learn about setting boundaries 

Learn about codependency and other unhelpful coping skills

Learn about Narcissism Awareness Grief

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About the Author

As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping skills and healing strategies for herself. She happily shares those with others who want to learn and grow. 

Her Lemon Moms series and other books and articles are a combination of her education, knowledge, personal growth, and insight from her childhood experiences and subsequent recovery work.

Diane holds a Master of Science degree in Information Technology and a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology. She’s worked in numerous fields, including domestic violence and abuse, and is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer about family dysfunction. On The Toolbox, she writes about recovery strategies from hurtful people and painful, dysfunctional, or toxic relationships. She has authored four transformational books about healing and moving forward from narcissistic Victim Syndrome.

Visit her author’s site here: DianeMetcalf.com

Learn about the Lemon Moms series here: Lemon Moms

This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.