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Browsing Tag
narcissism
Narcissism•Red Flags•Self Care

Identifying Toxic Individuals: A Crucial Skill

Red Flags
August 4, 2023 by Diane M. Metcalf, MS No Comments

Do you know someone who consistently brings conflict and stress into your life? You might think of them as being challenging, difficult, or maybe even toxic. There’s a difference in what these terms mean and here’s how to distinguish them:

Understanding and Dealing with Difficult Individuals

A “difficult” person exhibits challenging or demanding behaviors, but they do not necessarily have harmful intentions or engage in manipulative tactics. They likely have personal issues or struggles that make it challenging for them to interact positively with others. These issues may be permanent or temporary.

On the other hand, a “toxic” person consistently engages in manipulative, controlling, or abusive behaviors that harm others. They intentionally seek to undermine or emotionally, mentally, or even physically harm others.

Traits of toxic people can include manipulative behavior, a lack of empathy, constant criticism, controlling tendencies, a tendency to gaslight or invalidate others’ feelings, a need for constant attention and validation, a tendency to blame others for their own actions, and a lack of accountability for their behavior. It is important to note that these traits can vary from person to person, and not all toxic individuals will exhibit all of these traits. (webmd.com/mental-health/signs-toxic-person)

It is important to recognize the difference between the two and take appropriate action to protect yourself in toxic situations.

Quick Links

  • Identifying “Toxic” Individuals
  • Traits to Look Out For
  • Tools for Healing

Identifying “Toxic” Individuals

Some individuals have a talent for creating negativity and upset, causing emotional and sometimes physical pain to those around them.

When identifying people with toxic behavior, pay attention to signs that highlight their harmful conduct. These signs can help differentiate between someone going through ups and downs and someone consistently exhibiting toxic traits. Here are common signs of toxicity to watch out for:

It’s crucial to note that toxicity in people is not considered a mental disorder. However, there may be underlying mental health difficulties, such as a personality disorder, that contribute to their toxic behavior.

It is important to me to clarify that the term “toxic person” refers to a person’s way of thinking and behaving. Please consider the context and potential impact of using this label and to use it with caution and empathy. Labeling someone as “toxic” can be hurtful and will not contribute to a productive conversation or resolution.

Traits to Look Out For

Demanding attention: Whether it’s incessant phone calls, text messages, or unannounced visits, these individuals require a lot of emotional support. But they will rarely reciprocate that support to you. They have an elevated level of self-interest, endlessly seeking validation. This behavior is often associated with narcissistic personality disorder.

High drama: Have you ever noticed that some individuals are always surrounded by drama? This is not a coincidence. Toxic people thrive in chaotic situations that fuel emotions and provoke conflicts. These individuals derive pleasure from “stirring the pot,” as a therapist so aptly described it. These folks are just not interested in doing the necessary work to maintain stable and healthy relationships.

Inconsistent behavior: Toxic individuals often display erratic behavior and fail to follow through on their commitments or promises. Their actions can be unpredictable, making it challenging to establish a stable and reliable relationship with them. One moment, they may be elated and supportive, but the next, they may completely turn on you.

Ignoring boundaries: One of the telltale signs of a toxic person is their lack of respect for boundaries. Despite your repeated efforts to communicate your needs clearly, they continually disrespect you. Healthy relationships are built on trust and the ability to honor boundaries, which toxic individuals cannot do.

Abusing substances: This behavior becomes particularly toxic when it consistently harms not only the individual but also those around them.

Manipulating: Toxic individuals delight in manipulating those around them to serve their own desires. They resort to lying, distorting the truth, exaggerating, or omitting information in order to manipulate your actions or opinions of them. They are willing to go to great lengths, even when they know it will hurt others.

Lack of apology: Lack of apology can be a clear sign of a toxic dynamic in a relationship. When someone consistently refuses to apologize for their actions, it shows a lack of accountability and respect for the other person’s feelings. It can create a cycle of hurt and frustration, as the person who is hurt is left feeling invalidated and unheard. This lack of apology can also indicate a power imbalance, where one person feels entitled to their actions without considering the impact on others. Overall, it can be a red flag for a toxic relationship.

If you find yourself constantly waiting for an apology that never comes, it may indicate a toxic dynamic, which is a red flag.

Defensiveness: Defensiveness can be a sign of a toxic relationship because it often indicates a lack of open communication and a refusal to take responsibility for one’s actions. When someone is defensive, they may become overly protective of their own image or unwilling to admit any wrongdoing. This can create a hostile and unhealthy environment where issues are not addressed, and conflicts are not resolved. In a healthy relationship, both parties should feel comfortable expressing their thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment or retaliation.

Triangulation: Triangulation is a manipulative tactic that can be a sign of a toxic relationship. It occurs when one person manipulates the relationship between two other people by controlling the amount and type of communication they have. One person controls the narrative, which can generate rivalry between the other two parties. It is a way to “divide and conquer,” playing one person against the other. This can create a sense of confusion, tension, and even competition between the two individuals being manipulated. Triangulation is often used as a way for the manipulator to maintain control and power. Because it can be emotionally damaging and can lead to feelings of insecurity, mistrust, and isolation for those involved, it is a red flag. It is important to recognize this tactic and address it in order to maintain healthy and balanced relationships.

Exclusion: Exclusion can be a form of emotional manipulation in a toxic relationship. When someone withholds affection and attention, shuts us out, or makes us feel like an outsider, it can be a sign that they are trying to control or manipulate us. This behavior can be very damaging to our self-esteem and overall well-being. It is a red flag.

Tools for Healing

How to Recognize a Narcissist

How to use the Grey Rock Method

Recognize what verbal abuse does

Break free from shame

Free yourself from resentment

Protect yourself: set boundaries 

Know what the narcissistic abuse cycle looks like

Visit the TOXIC UNDO for More Healing

Join the Free Email Survival Course:

Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.

Private Facebook group included for members only.

Register Here!
Free 8-week email Survival Course

    I respect your privacy. Unsubscribe at anytime.

    Join the Waitlist!

    When someone’s vibe feels “icky,” or they have “unusual” personality quirks, would you know if they are genuine warning signs or if you could be in danger?

    BEST-KINDLE-COVER-TO-USE-683x1024 Identifying Toxic Individuals: A Crucial Skill

    Coming Fall/Winter 2023

    Icks, Personality Quirks, or Warning Signs? How to Know the Difference, by Diane Metcalf

    Sign up for exclusive access to free chapters, progress, contests, and launch team, and be notified when it’s available!

    Join Waitlist
    Pre-order Here
    Join the Launch Team!

    Discover the Secrets of Identifying Danger

    Have you been caught off guard by toxic individuals?
    Want to enhance your ability to spot warning signs and protect yourself from emotional mistreatment and abuse? Look no further!

    This upcoming book delves deep into the complexities of human behavior, guiding you through the maze of narcissists, psychopaths, manipulators, liars, and self-absorbed individuals.
    Learn the crucial skills to differentiate between harmless eccentricities and genuine red flags.

    Feel empowered to rescue, protect and heal yourself from their mistreatment or abuse


    I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self, Workbook and Journal, by Diane Metcalf

    Experience the power of self-affirmation: using positive statements to improve well-being and performance. Learn research-based steps to write the most effective affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things.

    Get it Here:

    Author’s Site: Free Shipping
    Barnes and Noble
    Amazon
    Browse the Positivity Shop
    2-1024x1024 Identifying Toxic Individuals: A Crucial Skill

    Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism, by Diane Metcalf

    For as long as I can remember, there was something “different” about my mother. She wasn’t like other mothers.

    My mom didn’t hug or kiss, smile at, spend time with, or play with me. She never seemed happy to see me. She didn’t ask about my school day and wasn’t interested in knowing my friends. She seemed to have no interest in me or anything that I did. My mom called me hurtful names and obscenities, and at times, she ignored me, not speaking to me for days, weeks, or even months. When she felt sad I was expected to emotionally care-take her. When she didn’t feel like parenting, I was responsible for my siblings. When she lost her temper she hit. When I was disobedient, there were bizarre punishments.

    I was not allowed to express feelings, ask questions, or show initiative or curiosity. My feelings were discounted, minimized, or invalidated. She re-wrote my memories, and I was expected to believe her version. I was to obey, stay quiet, and not question.

    If any of this sounds familiar, you are not alone. If there is manipulation, power struggles, or cruelty in your relationship, this book can help. If you second-guess your memory, doubt your judgment or sanity, or continually seek your mother’s withheld affection, attention, approval, or love, this book can explain why.

    Learn More

    or

    Get it Here:

    Author’s Site: Free Shipping
    Barnes and Noble
    Amazon
    BookBlasterMockups9 Identifying Toxic Individuals: A Crucial Skill


    Get the TOOLBOX posts twice monthly in your inbox!

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      About the Author

      Tilted-Diane-Headshot-2023-lighter Identifying Toxic Individuals: A Crucial Skill

      Drawing from her personal experiences of growing up in a dysfunctional household, Diane Metcalf has developed effective coping and healing strategies. With the assistance of professional therapists and mindful personal growth, she has honed her skills and now happily shares them with others who are interested in learning and growing.

      As an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer, Diane is well-versed in topics such as narcissism, family dysfunction, abuse, and recognizing warning signs. Her extensive knowledge is drawn not only from her personal experiences, but also from her work in human service fields, including domestic violence, partner abuse, and court advocacy. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.

      Diane’s transformational books on healing and personal growth, such as the highly acclaimed “Lemon Moms” series, offer emotional support and guidance in understanding narcissistic traits and healing past wounds. Her approach emphasizes self-awareness, intention, self-care, and establishing healthy boundaries as essential components in the healing process.

      Learn more about the Lemon Moms series: Lemon Moms

      See what’s happening on DianeMetcalf.com

      This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

      Read more

      Please share!

      Reading time: 5 min
      Boundaries•Detaching•Narcissism

      The Grey Rock Method: A Powerful Technique for Dealing with Emotional Abuse

      Huge Gray Rock formation
      June 5, 2023 by Diane M. Metcalf, MS No Comments

      Emotional abuse can take many forms, including deliberately making someone feel worthless or unsafe, intentionally humiliating them, calling them names, attempting to control them, isolating them from friends or family, and gaslighting them. So, to protect ourselves, let’s talk about how to identify emotionally abusive individuals.

      An abusive person typically:

      • Ignores boundaries
      • Ignores your right to privacy
      • Constantly criticizes or humiliates you
      • Is judgmental towards you
      • Is possessive and controlling
      • Is manipulative
      • Dismisses you and your feelings
      • Makes threats, shouts, name-calls
      • Makes you the subject of jokes
      • Uses sarcasm to hurt you
      • Blames and scapegoats
      • Pushes you to perform illegal, immoral, or degrading acts or actions you don’t want to do

      Breaking Free: Empowering Strategies

      If you’re being emotionally abused, there will be times that you’ll need to appear indifferent to the abuser’s words or actions not only to protect yourself but to deny them their narcissistic supply.

      Quick Links:

      • Using the Grey Rock Method Safely and Effectively
      • Understanding the Risks of the Grey Rock Method for Dealing with Emotional Abuse
      • When Grey Rock Doesn’t Work: Other Tools for Dealing with Emotional Abuse
      • Summary
      • Tools for Healing

      Narcissistic supply is the emotional “food” a narcissist requires to keep their self-esteem high. It serves as a source of validation and admiration, which fuels their sense of superiority and entitlement. Similar to a drug, narcissistic supply becomes addictive to them, constantly feeding their inflated ego. As a result, narcissists actively seek out relationships or situations where they can receive a continuous flow of supply in the form of attention and validation, further reinforcing their belief in their own importance. They manipulate others, employing tactics such as charm, manipulation, and even emotional or psychological abuse, to ensure they receive this supply. By exploiting and controlling others for their own benefit, narcissists are able to maintain their power and dominance over their victims. This perpetual need for attention and admiration, coupled with the constant receipt of supply, perpetuates a cycle that allows narcissists to continue their abusive behavior without remorse or empathy.

      It is important to note that this cycle is not limited to romantic relationships and can also occur in friendships, family dynamics, or professional settings. Narcissistic supply can encompass a wide range of emotions and reactions, and take various forms besides admiration, validation and attention. It differs depending on the individual narcissist. Narcissists can also derive supply from someone’s fear, anger, or sadness to fuel their sense of power and control. A narcissist can thrive on the pain and vulnerability of others to bolster their own fragile ego. It’s a twisted dynamic, and it’s important to recognize this pattern so you can protect yourself.

      More forms of narcissistic supply:

      • Receiving attention
      • Receiving compliments/praise
      • Feeling accomplished/winning
      • Feeling powerful/having power over you
      • Feeling in control of others
      • Using an addictive substance or activity
      • Sex
      • Receiving emotional energy from anyone (this can be positive or negative. Your pain is a form of supply. So is losing emotional control, such as when you show anger or cry.)

      You may not realize it, but you unknowingly provide narcissistic supply by:

      • Doing whatever they want or expect you to do
      • Giving up your autonomy, your sense of self
      • Praising/complimenting them
      • Agreeing with them when it’s not how you genuinely feel
      • Being compliant
      • Being controllable
      • Giving up your personal power
      • Staying quiet/giving up your voice or input
      • Showing any form of emotion (They will observe your emotional display, remaining calm themselves, and you will end up feeling unseen, unheard, misunderstood, or “crazy.”)

      Using the Grey Rock Method Safely and Effectively

      “Grey Rock” is a term attributed to a blogger named Skylar, who wrote the article “The Grey Rock Method of Dealing with Psychopaths” in 2018.

      The Grey Rock Technique causes emotionally toxic or unbalanced people who may be abusive or manipulative to lose interest in you. This method completely removes any emotional charge or drama from your interactions. Using Grey Rock involves becoming as uninteresting and disengaged as possible so the abuser becomes bored with and loses interest in you. The method eliminates any potential narcissistic supply.

      While it may not work for everyone, Grey Rock can be an effective way to reduce the harm of emotional abuse, and some have reported that it also helps reduce conflict.

      To use the Grey Rock method:

      Appear calm, even if you’re not. Maintain eye contact. Do not look down or away.

      Example Grey Rock statements to use:

      • I’m sorry you feel that way.
      • I can accept your distorted view of me.
      • I welcome your opinion, but I feel good about my choice.
      • I have no right to try to control how you see me.
      • I accept how you see me.
      • I get how you feel.
      • You’re entitled to your reality.
      • Your anger is not my responsibility.
      • Your anger is not my problem.
      • It’s possible. I guess it could be true.
      • I’d like to continue this discussion, but we don’t seem to share the same perspective. Maybe when you’re calm, we can resume this conversation mutually respectfully. (This is also an example of enforcing a boundary.)

      You get the idea.

      It’s vital to remain calm, maintain eye contact, and use short, noncommittal, or one-word answers and factual replies when using this technique. Keep interactions short, avoid adding your opinions or arguing, and keep personal or sensitive information private. Show no emotion or vulnerability, minimize physical contact, and avoid being alone with them.

      Refuse to give the abuser the reaction they seek (narcissistic supply) and do not engage in conversations that may trigger an emotional response. Remember to stay firm in your boundaries and do not allow them to draw you into an emotional debate.

      Be boring, boring, BORING! They will lose interest in you because you’re not providing the drama and emotional interaction that they crave.

      While there is no research to confirm that the Grey Rock Method works, many people who have tried it report seeing confusion, frustration, boredom, or anger coming from the abuser. In some cases, the abuser may be kind or affectionate to make the victim stop using the method (this is called love bombing, a form of manipulation and trauma bonding.) In any case, it’s crucial to remain firm in your boundaries and not allow them to control your response or get a reaction from you.

      waterfall-1024x683 The Grey Rock Method: A Powerful Technique for Dealing with Emotional Abuse

      Understanding the Risks of the Grey Rock Method for Dealing with Emotional Abuse

      It’s important to note that the Grey Rock Method should only be used in specific situations. It is not a long-term solution for relationships with emotionally abusive individuals. While there is no research on the risks of this method, it’s important to understand that remaining in contact with an emotionally abusive person always carries a risk of experiencing abuse. There is no guarantee that the Grey Rock Method will work, and it’s essential to be aware of the potential risks and to prioritize your safety and well-being.

      One risk of using the Grey Rock Method is that the abuser may escalate their hurtful behavior to regain control or to try provoking a response from you. They may become increasingly manipulative, invasive, or aggressive, which could escalate into physical violence.

      Suppressing and hiding our emotions from an abusive person can be mentally draining and become unsustainable. It can lead to feeling fatigued, frustrated,  or depressed, especially if we are isolated from friends or family and cannot safely voice our emotions.

      The Grey Rock Method is not a long-term solution, particularly for people who live with the offender. It may temporarily help someone avoid abusive behavior while they figure out how to safely leave the situation or relationship. Grey Rock could also help those who must have continued contact with the abusive person, such as co-parenting situations with ex-partners or when around toxic relatives they do not live with.

      When Grey Rock Doesn’t Work: Other Tools for Dealing with Emotional Abuse

      If the Grey Rock Method does not work, other techniques exist for dealing with emotional or psychological abuse. These include

      • improving emotional self-care
      • seeking social support
      • safety planning
      • legal assistance

      Emotional self-care involves practicing positive self-talk or using positive affirmations, enjoying a hobby or activity, creating a safe, healing space for yourself, and seeking support from a therapist or counselor.  Social support can be made by sharing with trusted loved ones about the abuse or mistreatment, joining a support group, or spending time away from the abuser. Safety planning involves developing a plan to leave the relationship safely, locking away guns and other potential weapons, and finding a new place to live. Seek help from domestic abuse experts who can provide referrals and information about obtaining credit, housing, child care, financial assistance, and legal service or court advocacy.

      Summary

      The Grey Rock Method can be useful for dealing with emotionally unbalanced people who manipulate or emotionally mistreat or abuse you. Overall, the Grey Rock Method can be a helpful tool, but it is important to use it wisely and in conjunction with other strategies to protect yourself from emotional abuse. It’s important to consider whether the Grey Rock method is appropriate for your situation and to be aware of potential risks.

      Speaking from experience, Grey rocking requires you to suppress your natural need for love and attention, which I find emotionally draining. It can also re-ignite any codependent behavior that you may struggle with. Healthy relationships and paths to fulfill our needs outside the Grey Rock method are essential.

      Suppose your partner has started escalating their abusive behavior, and the mistreatment is becoming more frequent or intense, gradually or suddenly. In that case, it’s time to seek professional help. If you feel unsafe, contact your local Domestic Violence Hotline or the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233, or look up your nearest domestic violence shelter. You may need to consider leaving the relationship altogether. Please seek out a counselor, therapist, or support group specializing in trauma, emotional or narcissistic abuse. You matter. You are worth it.

      No matter how you start, I hope you empower yourself by focusing on what you CAN do, starting right now to improve your life. No matter how small those things may seem, start doing them today. Your future self will appreciate it.

      Tools for Healing

      • Learn about people-pleasing and other unhealthy survival skills learned in childhood
      • Set boundaries
      • Understand Narcissism Awareness Grief
      • Understand the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle

      Does Your Self-talk Need a Makeover?

      What you say to yourself matters!

      I created these Positive Affirmations specifically to heal the harm caused by spending time with narcissists. They address these concerns and more:

      • gaslighting and confusion
      • betrayal wounds
      • blame
      • rejection
      • shame
      • scapegoating
      • grief
      • emotional abandonment
      • anxiety
      • anger
      • triggering
      • C-PTSD
      • cognitive dissonance.
      t2sv92ixUbprBMKP5jdKEh?w=800&fit=max The Grey Rock Method: A Powerful Technique for Dealing with Emotional Abuse

      AFFIRMATIONAL THERAPY MAY BE THE ONE  EFFECTIVE HEALING TECHNIQUE  YOU HAVEN’T TRIED YET!

      This book examines emotional regulation, self-validation, boundaries, self-trust, safety, security, and how to discover your authentic self.

      There are more than 200 affirmations in the book.

      Examples from the book:

      Affirmations to Counteract Negativity (Affirmations to help deal with toxic people)

      • I am grateful for all of the love that is in my life.
      • I accept that others love the best way they know how.
      • I let go of the need for others to validate me.

      Affirmations For Standing in Your Power (Affirmations to help deal with the loss of personal power)

      • My personal power is stronger every day.
      • I am my own person. I choose how I think and behave.
      • I use my voice, and I am heard.

      Affirmations For Calming Fight or Flight (Affirmations to help deal with hypervigilance)

      • I acknowledge and protect my personal power.
      • I hear, affirm, comfort, and validate my inner child.
      • I trust my mind.

      Affirmation For Self-validation (Affirmations to help deal with constant invalidation)

      • I accept and value myself exactly as I am.
      • I let go of the need for others to validate me.
      • I express myself confidently.

      Affirmations for Working Through Narcissism Awareness Grief (Affirmations to help deal with feelings of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, rewriting, and acceptance)

      • I always mattered, but _________ couldn’t see it or acknowledge it.
      • I am in charge. Today’s thoughts create my future.
      • I focus on what I can control, and I release the rest.

      Affirmations to Feel Accepted (Affirmations to help deal with being scapegoated and rejected)

      • Only I can determine my self-worth.
      • I value myself.
      • I am human. It’s OK to be imperfect.

      Affirmations to Heal Betrayal Wounds (Affirmations to help deal with narcissistic dishonesty and lies)

      • I listen when my heart talks to me.
      • I reaffirm for myself that I am on the right path.
      • I happily focus on the present moment, feeling empowered.

      Affirmations to Feel Safe (Affirmations to help deal with emotional abandonment)

      • I can, and I will.
      • I heal more every day.
      • I am in control of what I think and how I feel.

      Affirmations to Heal Shame (Affirmations to help deal with feeling ashamed)

      • I am worthy of love, happiness, and fulfillment.
      • I have everything I need to be successful.
      • I embrace change. I am the author of my story.

      Affirmations to Set and Maintain Healthy Boundaries (Affirmations to help deal with setting limits on what you’ll accept or tolerate)

      • I honor and value myself.
      • My body language demonstrates that I am sure of myself.
      • I feel good about spending money on products and services to care for my body and demonstrate that I value myself.

      Affirmations to Feel Secure (Affirmations to help deal with narcissistic rages)

      • I acknowledge and protect my personal power.
      • I am safe and free.
      • I am connected with my authentic self.

      Affirmations for Improving Self-trust (Affirmations to help deal with the effects of gaslighting)

      • I know and trust my own mind.
      • I love myself unconditionally.
      • I reaffirm for myself that I am on the right path.

      Affirmations for C-PTSD Triggers (Affirmations to help deal with highly sensitive, reactive emotions activated by our environment or someone’s behavior or words.)

      • I hear, affirm, comfort, and validate my inner child.
      • I release past hurts into the universe.
      • My boundaries are a form of self-love.

      Get it here (free shipping) or here. Outside the US? Go here.

      Visit the TOXIC UNDO for More Healing

      Join the Free Email Survival Course:

      Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.

      Private Facebook group included for members only.

      Register Here!
      Free 8-week email Survival Course

        I respect your privacy. Unsubscribe at anytime.

        Join the Waitlist!

        When someone’s vibe feels “icky,” or they have “unusual” personality quirks, would you know if they are genuine warning signs or if you could be in danger?

        BEST-KINDLE-COVER-TO-USE-683x1024 The Grey Rock Method: A Powerful Technique for Dealing with Emotional Abuse

        Coming Fall/Winter 2023

        Icks, Personality Quirks, or Warning Signs? How to Know the Difference, by Diane Metcalf

        Sign up for exclusive access to free chapters, progress, contests, and launch team, and be notified when it’s available!

        Join Waitlist
        Pre-order Here
        Join the Launch Team!

        Discover the Secrets of Identifying Danger

        Have you been caught off guard by toxic individuals?
        Want to enhance your ability to spot warning signs and protect yourself from emotional mistreatment and abuse? Look no further!

        This upcoming book delves deep into the complexities of human behavior, guiding you through the maze of narcissists, psychopaths, manipulators, liars, and self-absorbed individuals.
        Learn the crucial skills to differentiate between harmless eccentricities and genuine red flags.

        Feel empowered to rescue, protect and heal yourself from their mistreatment or abuse


        I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self, Workbook and Journal, by Diane Metcalf

        Experience the power of self-affirmation: using positive statements to improve well-being and performance. Learn research-based steps to write the most effective affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things.

        Get it Here:

        Author’s Site: Free Shipping
        Barnes and Noble
        Amazon
        Browse the Positivity Shop
        2-1024x1024 The Grey Rock Method: A Powerful Technique for Dealing with Emotional Abuse

        Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism, by Diane Metcalf

        For as long as I can remember, there was something “different” about my mother. She wasn’t like other mothers.

        My mom didn’t hug or kiss, smile at, spend time with, or play with me. She never seemed happy to see me. She didn’t ask about my school day and wasn’t interested in knowing my friends. She seemed to have no interest in me or anything that I did. My mom called me hurtful names and obscenities, and at times, she ignored me, not speaking to me for days, weeks, or even months. When she felt sad I was expected to emotionally care-take her. When she didn’t feel like parenting, I was responsible for my siblings. When she lost her temper she hit. When I was disobedient, there were bizarre punishments.

        I was not allowed to express feelings, ask questions, or show initiative or curiosity. My feelings were discounted, minimized, or invalidated. She re-wrote my memories, and I was expected to believe her version. I was to obey, stay quiet, and not question.

        If any of this sounds familiar, you are not alone. If there is manipulation, power struggles, or cruelty in your relationship, this book can help. If you second-guess your memory, doubt your judgment or sanity, or continually seek your mother’s withheld affection, attention, approval, or love, this book can explain why.

        Learn More

        or

        Get it Here:

        Author’s Site: Free Shipping
        Barnes and Noble
        Amazon
        BookBlasterMockups9 The Grey Rock Method: A Powerful Technique for Dealing with Emotional Abuse


        Get the TOOLBOX posts twice monthly in your inbox!

        Sign-up for twice monthly coping and healing strategies right to your inbox!
        ​
        Your Free Gift:
        An Inner Child Guided Healing Meditation MP3

          We respect your privacy. Unsubscribe at anytime.


          About the Author

          Tilted-Diane-Headshot-2023-lighter The Grey Rock Method: A Powerful Technique for Dealing with Emotional Abuse

          Drawing from her personal experiences of growing up in a dysfunctional household, Diane Metcalf has developed effective coping and healing strategies. With the assistance of professional therapists and mindful personal growth, she has honed her skills and now happily shares them with others who are interested in learning and growing.

          As an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer, Diane is well-versed in topics such as narcissism, family dysfunction, abuse, and recognizing warning signs. Her extensive knowledge is drawn not only from her personal experiences, but also from her work in human service fields, including domestic violence, partner abuse, and court advocacy. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.

          Diane’s transformational books on healing and personal growth, such as the highly acclaimed “Lemon Moms” series, offer emotional support and guidance in understanding narcissistic traits and healing past wounds. Her approach emphasizes self-awareness, intention, self-care, and establishing healthy boundaries as essential components in the healing process.

          Learn more about the Lemon Moms series: Lemon Moms

          See what’s happening on DianeMetcalf.com

          This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

          Read more

          Please share!

          Reading time: 11 min
          Codependency•Narcissism•Red Flags

          Lack of Empathy: A Big Red Flag

          Be Kind
          February 9, 2023 by Diane M. Metcalf, MS No Comments

          We know that narcissists demand attention and admiration, will take advantage, and feel contempt for others, but did you know they also lack empathy?

          Empathy is “the ability to understand another person’s thoughts and feelings from their point of view, rather than your own” (acuityinsights 2020). When we’re empathetic, we actively share in a person’s emotional experience. That’s different from sympathy, when we feel concerned about another’s suffering but maintain our emotional distance.

          Narcissists often reveal this deficiency during times of crisis, conflict, or high stress. When they’re pressured or stressed, controlling emotions becomes more difficult, and the absence of empathy is obvious. If you observe, you’ll notice that any high-pressure situation demonstrates how shallow their emotional connections really are. There is a noticeable lack of empathy, or caring, about others’ well-being.

          Quick Links:

          • What a Lack of Empathy Looks Like
          • NPD Personality Traits
          • So Why is Empathy Important?
          • What Does Emotional Empathy Require?
          • How the False Face Imitates Empathy
          • Tools to Move Forward

          What a Lack of Empathy Looks Like

          Narcissists’ emotions are often unstable, intense, and out of proportion to the situation. They are often described as being “challenging” to interact with. They can be defensive, envious, manipulative, and condescending, and they believe they “know everything.” It is crucial for them to appear as prestigious, powerful, and superior. They’re extremely susceptible to criticism and shame and protect their sense of self, the false face/false self, at any cost, including using aggression or physical abuse.

          In previous posts, I talked about the importance of validation for healthy communication. Validating others in a conversation shows that you are listening and want to understand their feelings and perspectives, even when you disagree. Because narcissists need to feel superior and “right” in every situation, they’re not interested in hearing or understanding your point of view. This, combined with their lack of empathy, means that a narcissist will not be able to validate you.

          Narcissists believe that every nasty thing they do is justified or is someone else’s fault. They can’t experience remorse because remorsefulness requires empathy, sympathy, and taking responsibility for actions.

          They don’t feel guilt, and so will not apologize for their actions. To feel guilty, one must feel both empathy and remorse and also own up to hurtful actions. These are all outside of a narcissist’s emotional skillset.

          Narcissism has no known cure, but those on the narcissism spectrum don’t usually seek therapy because they don’t think they need it. If they seek treatment, it’s generally because it’s been requested (or mandated) by a third party or is personally sought because of interpersonal or professional difficulty or conflict.

          NPD Personality Traits

          Narcissists hold a distorted self-image and have “high-conflict” personalities. They do things that most of us would not, such as thoughtlessly spending other people’s money, humiliating a child in public, sabotaging a coworker, or verbally attacking a stranger (Eddy 2018).

          They consider themselves superior and are comfortable with “putting down,” insulting, and demeaning others in order to feel powerful or boost their self-image. They tend to be selfish and do not reciprocate kind gestures or invitations. They’re demanding, needing almost constant admiration and attention from anyone in their vicinity (this is called obtaining narcissistic supply).

          Additionally, they waste time trying to impress anyone who will listen. They break promises, make excuses, and take credit for others’ ideas or work. They enjoy bullying and are willing to speak disapprovingly of someone behind their back but only have positive things to say in their presence. All of these traits can make narcissists exhausting for those of us who live and work with them.

          So Why is Empathy Important?

          When talking about narcissism, it’s important to understand what the term “empathy” means and the role it plays in a narcissist’s relationship dynamics. A lack of empathy can be described as “unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others.” This lack is a characteristic of narcissism. The lack of empathy is a big red flag.

          In the field of social psychology, it is understood that there are two kinds of empathy: cognitive and emotional. When we feel an emotion that someone else is feeling, it is emotional empathy, the ability to put ourselves in another person’s place and feel what they’re feeling. If you see someone crying, and it makes you feel sad, you’re experiencing emotional empathy.

          What Does Emotional Empathy Require?

          To feel emotional empathy, a person must have the ability to:

          1. Feel the same emotion as another person (for example, seeing someone embarrass themselves and feeling embarrassed for them.)
          2. Feel distressed in response to another person’s feelings
          3. Feel compassion for another person

          Feeling emotional empathy can be extremely distressing. When we feel pain resulting from somebody else’s emotions, it can shake us. There’s also a balance to be sought and maintained when it comes to feeling for others. We can’t allow our empathy for others to negatively impact our own lives.

          Narcissists are more likely to use cognitive empathy rather than emotional empathy. It’s essential to understand the difference (Baskin-Sommers, Krusemark, and Ronningstam 2014).

          Cognitive empathy is the ability to have an intellectual understanding that someone may be feeling a particular emotion while not feeling anything in response to this knowledge. Narcissists are able to see another’s perspective and respond in a manner that most benefits them. This requires a rudimentary understanding and basic knowledge of emotions (Hodges and Myers, 2007).

          When a narcissist uses a simple visual perspective to guess what someone’s feeling, they’re using cognitive empathy. In other words, if they can look at a person and notice that their eyes are swollen and red, probably from crying, they may correctly guess that the person is feeling sad. This type of empathy has nothing to do with actually feeling anything themselves. So, if a narcissist knows someone well enough, they can guess how that person feels, and they’ll also have a pretty good idea of how to use that information to hurt that individual too.

          Daniel Goleman (author of the book “Emotional Intelligence”), writes in his blog that torturers need to have a good sense of cognitive empathy to figure out how to hurt a person best.

          Similarly, if a narcissist acts kindly, they may be feeling around for hopes, wishes, and dreams to use later to inflict pain intentionally. They can’t understand how we feel, but they know that they’re in control at that moment and have the power to hurt us.

          A notable point of interest here is the consideration of an “empathy gene.” The gene was first referenced in research published in Translational Psychiatry on March 12, 2018, and is said to be the most extensive genetic study done on empathy to date. The study found that our degree of empathy is at least partly due to genetics.


          Could you be feeling the effects of Narcissism Awareness Grief? Download the free chapter to find out:

          EXPERIENCING NARCISSISM AWARENESS GRIEF

          from Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism


          How the False Face Imitates Empathy

          The false face can imitate emotions and empathy, which is great for narcissists because they appear to be kind, caring, and compassionate. But secretly, the false face is threatened by anything perceived as criticism, and narcissists are terribly concerned with how other’s think about and understand them. The false self is typically anxious, judgmental, and insecure overall. At the same time, it believes it is more acceptable and lovable than the real self. Narcissists don’t like themselves and can’t accept their authentic selves.

          Because the false face allows narcissists to appear kind, compassionate, and empathetic, they’re highly invested in preserving this image. It’s important for them to keep the false face intact and “on” at any cost. The people in a narcissist’s environment will always serve as a form of narcissistic supply, manipulated into feeding this false image, enabling the charade to continue.

          Most narcissists will never know whether they’re on the NPD spectrum or have full-blown NPD because they don’t seek treatment and will never benefit from a professional diagnosis. They believe their problems are caused by others and don’t accept personal responsibility. They are blamers, so they are not able to see their own role in any of their interpersonal problems.

          Tools to Move Forward

          Learn about codependency and unhealthy survival skills learned in childhood

          Understand Narcissism Awareness Grief

          Understand the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle

          Learn to set boundaries

          Learn about dysfunctional family roles

          Find out what trauma does to your brain

          Understand Cognitive Dissonance

          Take the Adverse Childhood Experiences Quiz

          Visit the TOXIC UNDO for More Healing

          Join the Free Email Survival Course:

          Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.

          Private Facebook group included for members only.

          Register Here!
          Free 8-week email Survival Course

            I respect your privacy. Unsubscribe at anytime.

            Join the Waitlist!

            When someone’s vibe feels “icky,” or they have “unusual” personality quirks, would you know if they are genuine warning signs or if you could be in danger?

            BEST-KINDLE-COVER-TO-USE-683x1024 Lack of Empathy: A Big Red Flag

            Coming Fall/Winter 2023

            Icks, Personality Quirks, or Warning Signs? How to Know the Difference, by Diane Metcalf

            Sign up for exclusive access to free chapters, progress, contests, and launch team, and be notified when it’s available!

            Join Waitlist
            Pre-order Here
            Join the Launch Team!

            Discover the Secrets of Identifying Danger

            Have you been caught off guard by toxic individuals?
            Want to enhance your ability to spot warning signs and protect yourself from emotional mistreatment and abuse? Look no further!

            This upcoming book delves deep into the complexities of human behavior, guiding you through the maze of narcissists, psychopaths, manipulators, liars, and self-absorbed individuals.
            Learn the crucial skills to differentiate between harmless eccentricities and genuine red flags.

            Feel empowered to rescue, protect and heal yourself from their mistreatment or abuse


            I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self, Workbook and Journal, by Diane Metcalf

            Experience the power of self-affirmation: using positive statements to improve well-being and performance. Learn research-based steps to write the most effective affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things.

            Get it Here:

            Author’s Site: Free Shipping
            Barnes and Noble
            Amazon
            Browse the Positivity Shop
            2-1024x1024 Lack of Empathy: A Big Red Flag

            Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism, by Diane Metcalf

            For as long as I can remember, there was something “different” about my mother. She wasn’t like other mothers.

            My mom didn’t hug or kiss, smile at, spend time with, or play with me. She never seemed happy to see me. She didn’t ask about my school day and wasn’t interested in knowing my friends. She seemed to have no interest in me or anything that I did. My mom called me hurtful names and obscenities, and at times, she ignored me, not speaking to me for days, weeks, or even months. When she felt sad I was expected to emotionally care-take her. When she didn’t feel like parenting, I was responsible for my siblings. When she lost her temper she hit. When I was disobedient, there were bizarre punishments.

            I was not allowed to express feelings, ask questions, or show initiative or curiosity. My feelings were discounted, minimized, or invalidated. She re-wrote my memories, and I was expected to believe her version. I was to obey, stay quiet, and not question.

            If any of this sounds familiar, you are not alone. If there is manipulation, power struggles, or cruelty in your relationship, this book can help. If you second-guess your memory, doubt your judgment or sanity, or continually seek your mother’s withheld affection, attention, approval, or love, this book can explain why.

            Learn More

            or

            Get it Here:

            Author’s Site: Free Shipping
            Barnes and Noble
            Amazon
            BookBlasterMockups9 Lack of Empathy: A Big Red Flag


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              About the Author

              Tilted-Diane-Headshot-2023-lighter Lack of Empathy: A Big Red Flag

              Drawing from her personal experiences of growing up in a dysfunctional household, Diane Metcalf has developed effective coping and healing strategies. With the assistance of professional therapists and mindful personal growth, she has honed her skills and now happily shares them with others who are interested in learning and growing.

              As an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer, Diane is well-versed in topics such as narcissism, family dysfunction, abuse, and recognizing warning signs. Her extensive knowledge is drawn not only from her personal experiences, but also from her work in human service fields, including domestic violence, partner abuse, and court advocacy. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.

              Diane’s transformational books on healing and personal growth, such as the highly acclaimed “Lemon Moms” series, offer emotional support and guidance in understanding narcissistic traits and healing past wounds. Her approach emphasizes self-awareness, intention, self-care, and establishing healthy boundaries as essential components in the healing process.

              Learn more about the Lemon Moms series: Lemon Moms

              See what’s happening on DianeMetcalf.com

              This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

              Read more

              Please share!

              Reading time: 7 min
              Codependency•Red Flags•Scapegoating

              When a Caregiver is a Narcissist

              I'm on the right path
              October 2, 2022 by Diane M. Metcalf, MS No Comments

              When a primary caregiver, like a mother, is somewhere on the narcissism spectrum (or is a narcissist,) any children in their care will be vulnerable to becoming targets of mistreatment or abuse. That’s because children don’t have the mental and emotional maturity to comprehend their circumstances or to set protective boundaries. Their age dictates complete dependence on and trust of the narcissistic caregiver. As a result, they can easily be manipulated and emotionally controlled.

              All children need and want their parent’s approval and validation. If kids grow up in home environments that are competitive or where love is conditional, they realize that they have to be “the best” in order to be loved. Deep down, they understand that they must earn their parent’s or caregiver’s love and affection by “doing” or “achieving.”

              Quick Document Links

              • What Happens When a Caregiver is Emotionally Unstable
              • Becoming Codependent
              • Forming Healthy Adult Relationships
              • Tools for Healing

              What Happens When a Caregiver is Emotionally Unstable

              If a parent or caregiver is emotionally unstable, the children will experience almost daily drama and chaos, along with the resulting feelings of insecurity, instability, and fear. If a parent or caregiver is threatening, angry, or verbally abusive, the child’s role in the family will frequently change according to that parent’s current emotional state. All children in the home will take turns being devalued or idealized by the unstable parent. These dynamics mean that everyone in the family “revolves around” the explosive or unstable parent, trying to keep them calm. This is often achieved by hypervigilance; monitoring the parents’ moods, and doing whatever pleases them in order to hold off an unprovoked attack or to remain in good standing for as long as possible (see dysfunctional family roles). Every child responds to this chaos and uncertainty in their own unique way, possibly developing feelings of anger or becoming rebellious or violent. Some feel defeated and give up, becoming withdrawn or depressed, or self-isolating. And others feel a deep sense of shame for not being “good enough,” eroding their self-confidence and self-esteem. They are the shy, quiet ones.

              The feelings of inadequacy that stem from “not being good enough” to receive unconditional love from a parent may be the catalyst for developing a “false self.” Learning to hide “faults” by developing a false self, and adopting the values and characteristics of the narcissistic parent, may contribute to kids becoming narcissists themselves (Greenberg 2016).

              Narcissists enjoy believing they’re superior, smarter, and better at everything than everyone else. This is one of the reasons they’re often defensive and become angered so easily and quickly. If you challenge a narcissist, there will usually be undesirable repercussions, and children of narcissists understand this very well.

              Needless to say, narcissistic parents are not healthy role models for their children. They have no problem with using foul language in front of or even directed at their children. They may make age-inappropriate adult or sexual comments, inferences, or jokes in front of or to their children. They generally behave immaturely and impulsively and may openly express their addictions. They may also violate laws in front of the children.

              Narcissistic parents are oblivious to the damage they inflict by exposing their children to inappropriate situations and behavior. They’re not self-aware enough to see how their actions affect others (see Traits of a Narcissistic Mother.)

              narc-parent-200x300 When a Caregiver is a Narcissist

              Becoming Codependent

              Codependency is a survival skill set that children may develop when living in these kinds of conditions. Codependent skills are developed from necessity. Codependency ensures survival and safety in a potentially dangerous situation. It provides a sense of security, a type of self-esteem or purpose, and a means to obtain love or affection. Using codependent coping skills makes it possible for any child living with a narcissistic caregiver to deal with their chaotic, confusing, and often hurtful home environment.

              As children, if we were caretakers for our mothers (or others’) emotional or physical well-being, we likely matured quickly and took on responsibilities that were not age-appropriate or even our own. When it felt physically or emotionally unsafe to be around our parents or caregivers, we learned to tiptoe around their instability, trying not to upset them, in order to feel safe. We learned to make ourselves “invisible” and live under the radar. We monitored moods and responded accordingly. We noticed behavioral patterns, and we became very good at predicting behavior. We learned how to take the initiative in making life easier or better for them so that we could feel a sense of stability, security, and safety for ourselves. We became accustomed to doing things for others that they could do for themselves. We became watchers and doers. We became codependent.


              Could you be feeling the effects of Narcissism Awareness Grief? Download the free chapter to find out:

              EXPERIENCING NARCISSISM AWARENESS GRIEF

              from Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism


              Forming Healthy Adult Relationships

              It is necessary for children to develop a healthy sense of self, a foundation for forming healthy adult relationships later. To do this, they must feel safe in their caregiver relationships. When children don’t have mentally healthy caregivers, they don’t learn or develop healthy relationship skills to equip themselves for adulthood. Instead, they imitate family members’ maladaptive skills, such as using manipulation, physical aggression, violence, threats, and substances, which do more harm than good.

              If we became codependent as children, we can heal as adults. We can do all of the things for ourselves that our caregivers could not or did not do. We can reinvent ourselves and move forward. We can learn to affirm and validate ourselves, and we can develop high self-esteem and self-confidence. We can begin to trust our minds and our memories. We can learn to recognize unhealthy or mentally ill people and steer clear. We can set boundaries. We can use our voices to empower ourselves. We can find our lost authentic selves and reclaim our lives.

              Tools for Healing

              Learn about the narcissistic abuse cycle

              Learn about dysfunctional family roles

              Learn more about codependency 

              Learn why what you tell yourself matters

              Learn why verbal abuse hurts us

              Learn about attachment styles

              Learn how to protect yourself with boundaries 

              Visit the TOXIC UNDO for More Healing

              Join the Free Email Survival Course:

              Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.

              Private Facebook group included for members only.

              Register Here!
              Free 8-week email Survival Course

                I respect your privacy. Unsubscribe at anytime.

                Join the Waitlist!

                When someone’s vibe feels “icky,” or they have “unusual” personality quirks, would you know if they are genuine warning signs or if you could be in danger?

                BEST-KINDLE-COVER-TO-USE-683x1024 When a Caregiver is a Narcissist

                Coming Fall/Winter 2023

                Icks, Personality Quirks, or Warning Signs? How to Know the Difference, by Diane Metcalf

                Sign up for exclusive access to free chapters, progress, contests, and launch team, and be notified when it’s available!

                Join Waitlist
                Pre-order Here
                Join the Launch Team!

                Discover the Secrets of Identifying Danger

                Have you been caught off guard by toxic individuals?
                Want to enhance your ability to spot warning signs and protect yourself from emotional mistreatment and abuse? Look no further!

                This upcoming book delves deep into the complexities of human behavior, guiding you through the maze of narcissists, psychopaths, manipulators, liars, and self-absorbed individuals.
                Learn the crucial skills to differentiate between harmless eccentricities and genuine red flags.

                Feel empowered to rescue, protect and heal yourself from their mistreatment or abuse


                I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self, Workbook and Journal, by Diane Metcalf

                Experience the power of self-affirmation: using positive statements to improve well-being and performance. Learn research-based steps to write the most effective affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things.

                Get it Here:

                Author’s Site: Free Shipping
                Barnes and Noble
                Amazon
                Browse the Positivity Shop
                2-1024x1024 When a Caregiver is a Narcissist

                Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism, by Diane Metcalf

                For as long as I can remember, there was something “different” about my mother. She wasn’t like other mothers.

                My mom didn’t hug or kiss, smile at, spend time with, or play with me. She never seemed happy to see me. She didn’t ask about my school day and wasn’t interested in knowing my friends. She seemed to have no interest in me or anything that I did. My mom called me hurtful names and obscenities, and at times, she ignored me, not speaking to me for days, weeks, or even months. When she felt sad I was expected to emotionally care-take her. When she didn’t feel like parenting, I was responsible for my siblings. When she lost her temper she hit. When I was disobedient, there were bizarre punishments.

                I was not allowed to express feelings, ask questions, or show initiative or curiosity. My feelings were discounted, minimized, or invalidated. She re-wrote my memories, and I was expected to believe her version. I was to obey, stay quiet, and not question.

                If any of this sounds familiar, you are not alone. If there is manipulation, power struggles, or cruelty in your relationship, this book can help. If you second-guess your memory, doubt your judgment or sanity, or continually seek your mother’s withheld affection, attention, approval, or love, this book can explain why.

                Learn More

                or

                Get it Here:

                Author’s Site: Free Shipping
                Barnes and Noble
                Amazon
                BookBlasterMockups9 When a Caregiver is a Narcissist


                Get the TOOLBOX posts twice monthly in your inbox!

                Sign-up for twice monthly coping and healing strategies right to your inbox!
                ​
                Your Free Gift:
                An Inner Child Guided Healing Meditation MP3

                  We respect your privacy. Unsubscribe at anytime.


                  About the Author

                  Tilted-Diane-Headshot-2023-lighter When a Caregiver is a Narcissist

                  Drawing from her personal experiences of growing up in a dysfunctional household, Diane Metcalf has developed effective coping and healing strategies. With the assistance of professional therapists and mindful personal growth, she has honed her skills and now happily shares them with others who are interested in learning and growing.

                  As an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer, Diane is well-versed in topics such as narcissism, family dysfunction, abuse, and recognizing warning signs. Her extensive knowledge is drawn not only from her personal experiences, but also from her work in human service fields, including domestic violence, partner abuse, and court advocacy. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.

                  Diane’s transformational books on healing and personal growth, such as the highly acclaimed “Lemon Moms” series, offer emotional support and guidance in understanding narcissistic traits and healing past wounds. Her approach emphasizes self-awareness, intention, self-care, and establishing healthy boundaries as essential components in the healing process.

                  Learn more about the Lemon Moms series: Lemon Moms

                  See what’s happening on DianeMetcalf.com

                  This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

                  Read more

                  Please share!

                  Reading time: 5 min
                  Anger•Narcissism•Self Care

                  When Mother’s Day Hurts

                  broken heart
                  May 1, 2022 by Diane M. Metcalf, MS No Comments

                  If your relationship with your mother is typically full of pain and heartache, this article is dedicated to you.

                  When Mother’s Day Hurts

                  Every April and May of every year, we are urged by all manner of media to remember our mothers on the second Sunday of May. These pre-Mother’s Day messages often portray sweet, heartwarming, sentimental interactions between mothers and their children. Viewing those ads has always been difficult for me because I have longed for those kinds of interactions with my own mother for my entire life.

                  Suppose your mother is self-important, seeks admiration, believes she’s superior, lacks empathy, manipulates and uses her children, puts others down to elevate herself, is hypersensitive to criticism, and believes she deserves special treatment. In that case, she may be on the narcissism spectrum, and you will likely experience mixed feelings about Mother’s Day.

                  Quick document links

                  • Confusion and Cognitive Dissonance
                  • There’s a Name For It
                  • Self-care
                  • Tools for Healing

                  Daughters and sons of narcissistic mothers are out there, and they feel alone and misunderstood.

                  An emotionally healthy mother’s love is a powerful, lifelong theme for most children; her kindness, compassion, validation, and the loving bond that they share. For those of us who don’t have that kind of mom, memories, or relationship, we are keenly aware of those who do. And we wonder why we don’t. Because surely if our mothers can’t love us, it must be our fault. We must be unlovable, right?

                  American culture views motherhood as a saintly paradigm, promoting that mother love is instinctive, unconditional, and spontaneous; and that all women can love, empathize, and nurture. These myths and inaccuracies are detrimental; they harm unloved children’s spirits, holding them in a state of self-doubt and cognitive dissonance.

                  When a mother and adult child relationship fails, it’s the adult child who’s usually held responsible. These kinds of cultural perspectives can keep an unloved daughter or son stuck in the place they’ve been since childhood—knowing that something is wrong and blaming themselves. They wonder who will be able to love them if their own mothers can’t.

                  But mothering is a learned behavior in human beings. A spectrum of maternal behaviors exists, from healthy to toxic. Acknowledging this may be helpful when we think about Mother’s Day.

                  I used to spend a huge amount of emotional energy just selecting a Mother’s Day card. Today, there is more awareness and sensitivity regarding family dysfunction and the understanding that not all mothers are loving and kind. These days, it’s easier to find a more realistic card sentiment. But years ago, it was extremely difficult to find a card that didn’t boldly announce “Happy Mother’s Day to the Greatest Mother in the World!” or “I’m So Blessed That You’re My Mother” All of them gushed with sentiments that I didn’t feel, and all of them felt like lies. While I dealt with that, others dealt with decisions like: “Should I even send a card?” “Should I call?” “Should I see her?” “Should I ignore the day?” “What should I do?”

                  The thing is, if we’re still attempting to please and appease our narcissistic moms, we’re in a no-win situation. Whatever we do will not be good enough because it never has. Like others in this situation, every year I went through emotional pain and turmoil: on Mother’s Day, I was forced to face the stark and demoralizing humiliation of our one-sided relationship for the entire day. I was actually a mother myself, yet I was focused on making this day all about MY mother. I wasn’t able to enjoy what the day meant for me as a mother. I missed out on feeling connected with my kids and letting them focus on me, celebrating me. Instead, I expected them to focus on her too. The entire day was about my mother and making her happy. But of course, she never was. She spent the day criticizing the weather, the restaurant, the food, her gifts, and other people. For decades this continued and I didn’t see it because I was supremely codependent, unaware, and unhealed. Eventually, I awakened and realized that something needed to change. I finally accepted that she wasn’t going to change. I needed to change.

                  Experts say that with a narcissistic mother, you have two choices: live on her terms (focusing on her, chasing after her withheld love, acceptance, and affection) or go “no contact.” This feels like black and white (all or none) thinking to me, and I’ve never been a big fan. I prefer to see all the shades of gray. So I created a third option for myself: I identified my cognitive dissonance and C-PTSD symptoms and prioritized healing them with various forms of therapy. I refused to be gaslighted, I set enforceable boundaries and started trusting my mind and my memories. I no longer focused on what she did, said, wanted, or expected, and as a result, I no longer felt humiliated, unloved, invalidated, and rejected. Our relationship was finally on my terms.

                  heart-300x200 When Mother's Day Hurts

                  Confusion and Cognitive Dissonance

                  As children, if our need for love and connection to our mothers was not met, we simply blamed ourselves. And then we began forming beliefs that we are not good enough and that we don’t matter.

                  If you are an empathetic person, you are naturally sensitive to others’ emotional needs. Trying to understand that narcissists don’t have the ability to feel empathy is difficult to understand or believe. As children of narcissists, we keep returning to that parent, again and again, hoping and wishing that it will be different this time. We focus on gaining approval, validation, acceptance, and love. We jump through any hoop offered. When nothing changes, it triggers more pain and confusion and a continuation of the “I’m not-good-enough’s” and “I-don’t-matter’s.”

                  Then we grew up, and we may have started to realize that the problem is not us! There is nothing—and there never was—anything inherently wrong with us, as we may have been led to believe.

                  You do not need a formal diagnosis to determine that your relationship is unhealthy. If it is, you can do something about it.

                  There’s a Name For It

                  “Narcissism Awareness Grief” (NAG) is a condition coined by Dr. Christine Hammond, a Licensed Mental Health Counselor. She teaches that the loss of a mother’s love, warmth, interest, and connection is a momentous loss that must be consciously grieved.

                  Narcissism Awareness Grief acknowledges that our mothers’ narcissistic traits have negatively impacted us. When we begin to come to terms with how they have impacted us, we can break through the denial and start working through six stages of grief, to finally arrive at the final phase of Acceptance. When you fully understand and accept that you cannot change or control your mother’s perception of you, the ball is truly in your court. It’s from the point of Acceptance that your life can and will change. Remember, acceptance does not mean liking or agreeing. You can accept that your mother has narcissistic traits, but you don’t have to like it. Accepting and liking are two separate things.

                  I remember very well what it was like to experience Narcissism Awareness Grief. As I slowly became aware of how my mother’s narcissistic traits affected me, I felt a mixture of denial, disbelief, and a sense of overwhelming sadness. You see, when we discover that the dysfunction and trauma we experienced as children has an actual name, there’s an initial rush of validation. We suddenly realize that we’re not alone, that we’re not crazy, and that we haven’t imagined it. Narcissistic mistreatment, trauma, and abuse are real things, and we can recover from them.

                  Self-care

                  What can we adult children of maternal narcissists do to feel better on Mother’s Day?

                  Like most days, you can make the day into whatever you want. Here are a few suggestions that can help:

                  1. Question the card. Search for a generic Mother’s Day card if you want to send a card at all. Giving a card that says “Best Mom in the World” is an act of denial. The first step to healing is admitting how you feel about your relationship. NO MORE DENIAL. It takes courage not to buy that lying card. If you want to give a card, find one, or make one that better acknowledges how you feel.
                  2. Eliminate expectations. You can’t be disappointed if you don’t expect anything to be different this year. Learn to drop expectations.
                  3. Make new traditions. Do the day differently. Celebrate yourself! Do something you enjoy, whether solo or with a friend. Focus on self-care.
                  4. Feel and express your feelings. Give yourself permission to feel and express whatever you’re feeling. Give yourself space to cry, be angry, feel unloved, or grieve. Acknowledge that you have reason to feel these feelings, and validate your childhood memories. Write it all in a journal to get it out of your system in a healthy way.
                  5. Shift the focus. Practice gratitude, speak healing affirmations, or do something nice for someone else.
                  6. Make an appointment. If Mother’s Day annually triggers anxiety or depression, give yourself the gift of scheduled time with a professional to start the healing process.
                  7. Seek support. Find support groups in your area or online. Talking with others who understand narcissism dynamics can help in your healing journey. And as always, don’t try to explain it to those who don’t. Others who don’t understand narcissism may unknowingly invalidate you, causing further pain or trauma.
                  8. Express gratitude to the mothers you know who are loving and kind. Honor other women who have given you motherly love, perhaps a grandmother, aunt, or friend.
                  9. If you are a mother, work to end the legacy of one-sided love. Acknowledge and be grateful for your ability to love.
                  10. Start working on a recovery program, so you don’t pass the legacy down to your children. If you are already working on healing, good for you! Do the work!

                  On Mother’s Day, let’s all honor the mothers who have given their children the gifts of love and nurturing. Let’s applaud the mothers who are working on a program to change the family legacy of narcissistic mistreatment or abuse. And at the same time, let’s acknowledge the truths of the daughters and sons of mothers who cannot show love to their children.

                  You’re all in my thoughts,

                  Diane



                  Could you be feeling the effects of Narcissism Awareness Grief? Download the free chapter to find out:

                  EXPERIENCING NARCISSISM AWARENESS GRIEF

                  from Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism



                  Tools for Healing

                  Start using positive detachment

                  Learn about Narcissism Awareness Grief

                  Learn to set boundaries

                  Learn about dysfunctional family roles

                  Understand trauma bonds

                  Learn about codependency and maladaptive coping skills

                  Understand the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle

                  Learn to drop expectations

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                    When someone’s vibe feels “icky,” or they have “unusual” personality quirks, would you know if they are genuine warning signs or if you could be in danger?

                    BEST-KINDLE-COVER-TO-USE-683x1024 When Mother's Day Hurts

                    Coming Fall/Winter 2023

                    Icks, Personality Quirks, or Warning Signs? How to Know the Difference, by Diane Metcalf

                    Sign up for exclusive access to free chapters, progress, contests, and launch team, and be notified when it’s available!

                    Join Waitlist
                    Pre-order Here
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                    Discover the Secrets of Identifying Danger

                    Have you been caught off guard by toxic individuals?
                    Want to enhance your ability to spot warning signs and protect yourself from emotional mistreatment and abuse? Look no further!

                    This upcoming book delves deep into the complexities of human behavior, guiding you through the maze of narcissists, psychopaths, manipulators, liars, and self-absorbed individuals.
                    Learn the crucial skills to differentiate between harmless eccentricities and genuine red flags.

                    Feel empowered to rescue, protect and heal yourself from their mistreatment or abuse


                    I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self, Workbook and Journal, by Diane Metcalf

                    Experience the power of self-affirmation: using positive statements to improve well-being and performance. Learn research-based steps to write the most effective affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things.

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                    2-1024x1024 When Mother's Day Hurts

                    Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism, by Diane Metcalf

                    For as long as I can remember, there was something “different” about my mother. She wasn’t like other mothers.

                    My mom didn’t hug or kiss, smile at, spend time with, or play with me. She never seemed happy to see me. She didn’t ask about my school day and wasn’t interested in knowing my friends. She seemed to have no interest in me or anything that I did. My mom called me hurtful names and obscenities, and at times, she ignored me, not speaking to me for days, weeks, or even months. When she felt sad I was expected to emotionally care-take her. When she didn’t feel like parenting, I was responsible for my siblings. When she lost her temper she hit. When I was disobedient, there were bizarre punishments.

                    I was not allowed to express feelings, ask questions, or show initiative or curiosity. My feelings were discounted, minimized, or invalidated. She re-wrote my memories, and I was expected to believe her version. I was to obey, stay quiet, and not question.

                    If any of this sounds familiar, you are not alone. If there is manipulation, power struggles, or cruelty in your relationship, this book can help. If you second-guess your memory, doubt your judgment or sanity, or continually seek your mother’s withheld affection, attention, approval, or love, this book can explain why.

                    Learn More

                    or

                    Get it Here:

                    Author’s Site: Free Shipping
                    Barnes and Noble
                    Amazon
                    BookBlasterMockups9 When Mother's Day Hurts


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                      About the Author

                      Tilted-Diane-Headshot-2023-lighter When Mother's Day Hurts

                      Drawing from her personal experiences of growing up in a dysfunctional household, Diane Metcalf has developed effective coping and healing strategies. With the assistance of professional therapists and mindful personal growth, she has honed her skills and now happily shares them with others who are interested in learning and growing.

                      As an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer, Diane is well-versed in topics such as narcissism, family dysfunction, abuse, and recognizing warning signs. Her extensive knowledge is drawn not only from her personal experiences, but also from her work in human service fields, including domestic violence, partner abuse, and court advocacy. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.

                      Diane’s transformational books on healing and personal growth, such as the highly acclaimed “Lemon Moms” series, offer emotional support and guidance in understanding narcissistic traits and healing past wounds. Her approach emphasizes self-awareness, intention, self-care, and establishing healthy boundaries as essential components in the healing process.

                      Learn more about the Lemon Moms series: Lemon Moms

                      See what’s happening on DianeMetcalf.com

                      This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

                      Read more

                      Please share!

                      Reading time: 9 min
                      Narcissism•Scapegoating

                      Traits of a Narcissistic Mother

                      Child needing hug
                      February 11, 2022 by Diane M. Metcalf, MS No Comments

                      I think the hardest thing to understand for those who haven’t experienced maternal narcissism is that narcissistic parents don’t see their children as individuals. A narcissistic mother doesn’t see her children as independently functioning human beings who have their own thoughts and feelings. She doesn’t see their individual personalities or acknowledge their goals.

                      A narcissistic mother sees her kids as extensions of herself. Because of that, to her, everything the kids do and say reflects on her. She makes everything about her. The kids are simply satellites who learn at a very young age that they’re expected to contribute positively to their mother’s image. They understand that every decision and every action they take must happen within those parameters, or there will be ugly consequences.

                      Quick document links

                      • Scapegoating
                      • Manipulative Tactics
                      • Tools for Healing

                      When a narcissistic mother doesn’t like aspects of her personality, she emotionally separates herself from those qualities and then projects those unacceptable traits onto one of her children. She will then mistreat that child for “having” those qualities. When she does this, she’s using a defense mechanism known as projection, which is what occurs when we attribute a trait that we dislike in ourselves as being another person’s, not our own (Brenner 2019). The mother now has reason to blame the child for anything she thinks, does, or says that she finds objectionable within herself, but is unwilling to admit or change.

                      “Even perceived rejection activates the brain’s pain centers.”

                      Scapegoating

                      When a narcissistic mom uses projection to protect her ego from her unlikeable qualities, there is a risk of neglect, maltreatment, abuse, blame, shame, or even physical violence to the children as a result. She’ll play a game of “whose fault is it? I know it’s not mine” (Brenner et al. 2018). Because narcissistic mothers are so controlling, they need to have reasons that explain undesirable happenings, and they insist on having a person to hold accountable. This phenomenon is known as scapegoating. The scapegoating practice happens in dysfunctional families, with the role of the scapegoat being either temporary or permanent. The scapegoat is the fall guy, the person who gets blamed for offenses and injustices that happen to anyone in the family. Family members, except for the narcissistic mom, often take turns playing the scapegoat role, and at any given time, the mom determines who the scapegoat is.

                      Tactics like scapegoating are all attempts of the mother to maintain control. When a narcissistic mom feels like she’s losing control over her kids, she will often lash out in vengeful ways, subtly or with direct hostility. Narcissistic mothers are highly reactive to any threat or challenge to their power. They have a sense of entitlement, ownership, and possession of their kids.

                      Child-caretaking-mother-300x200 Traits of a Narcissistic Mother

                      Manipulative Tactics

                      There is a multitude of ways that a narcissistic mother can emotionally injure her children. I believe these behaviors are the result of other, often unrelated issues, such as:

                      1. She’s not articulate or doesn’t have a strong vocabulary, so she’s not able to accurately express or describe what she’s thinking or feeling.

                      2. She doesn’t know how to identify her emotions.

                      3. She hasn’t had an emotionally healthy upbringing, or she hasn’t witnessed emotionally healthy relationships.

                      4. She’s emotionally immature and can’t regulate her emotions.

                      5. She hasn’t personally experienced or learned strong parenting skills.

                      Narcissistic mothers manipulate and control their children in a variety of ways:

                      • Withholding affection, affirmation, validation, attention, encouragement, praise, and other self-esteem building behaviors
                      • Exhibiting intense and scary displays of emotion and drama (“narcissistic rages”)
                      • Verbally abusing them with insults, criticism, and name-calling
                      • Threatening violence (may or may not be carried out)
                      • Maintaining a victim mentality
                      • Rejection
                      • Lying
                      • Giving the “silent treatment” as a form of punishment
                      • Exercising a “selective memory”
                      • Gaslighting to control perceptions and memories

                      I’m personally familiar with all of these tactics. Gaslighting is the one that harmed me the most. It’s an extremely emotionally and mentally destructive form of manipulation.

                      Even though most of the above-listed behaviors are not physically hurtful, each one can activate the pain centers in the human brain. Research in the field of neuroscience shows us that even perceived rejection activates the area of the brain where pain is felt (Eisenberger et al. 2004). The point is that verbal abuse, threats, rejection, and other forms of emotional mistreatment do hurt us.

                      broken-love-300x200 Traits of a Narcissistic Mother

                      Could you be feeling the effects of Narcissism Awareness Grief? Download the free chapter to find out:

                      EXPERIENCING NARCISSISM AWARENESS GRIEF

                      from Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism


                      Tools for Healing

                      Learn how to protect yourself with boundaries 

                      Learn about the narcissistic abuse cycle

                      Learn about dysfunctional family roles

                      Learn about codependency 

                      Learn why what you tell yourself matters

                      Learn why verbal abuse hurts us

                      Visit the TOXIC UNDO for More Healing

                      Join the Free Email Survival Course:

                      Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.

                      Private Facebook group included for members only.

                      Register Here!
                      Free 8-week email Survival Course

                        I respect your privacy. Unsubscribe at anytime.

                        Join the Waitlist!

                        When someone’s vibe feels “icky,” or they have “unusual” personality quirks, would you know if they are genuine warning signs or if you could be in danger?

                        BEST-KINDLE-COVER-TO-USE-683x1024 Traits of a Narcissistic Mother

                        Coming Fall/Winter 2023

                        Icks, Personality Quirks, or Warning Signs? How to Know the Difference, by Diane Metcalf

                        Sign up for exclusive access to free chapters, progress, contests, and launch team, and be notified when it’s available!

                        Join Waitlist
                        Pre-order Here
                        Join the Launch Team!

                        Discover the Secrets of Identifying Danger

                        Have you been caught off guard by toxic individuals?
                        Want to enhance your ability to spot warning signs and protect yourself from emotional mistreatment and abuse? Look no further!

                        This upcoming book delves deep into the complexities of human behavior, guiding you through the maze of narcissists, psychopaths, manipulators, liars, and self-absorbed individuals.
                        Learn the crucial skills to differentiate between harmless eccentricities and genuine red flags.

                        Feel empowered to rescue, protect and heal yourself from their mistreatment or abuse


                        I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self, Workbook and Journal, by Diane Metcalf

                        Experience the power of self-affirmation: using positive statements to improve well-being and performance. Learn research-based steps to write the most effective affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things.

                        Get it Here:

                        Author’s Site: Free Shipping
                        Barnes and Noble
                        Amazon
                        Browse the Positivity Shop
                        2-1024x1024 Traits of a Narcissistic Mother

                        Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism, by Diane Metcalf

                        For as long as I can remember, there was something “different” about my mother. She wasn’t like other mothers.

                        My mom didn’t hug or kiss, smile at, spend time with, or play with me. She never seemed happy to see me. She didn’t ask about my school day and wasn’t interested in knowing my friends. She seemed to have no interest in me or anything that I did. My mom called me hurtful names and obscenities, and at times, she ignored me, not speaking to me for days, weeks, or even months. When she felt sad I was expected to emotionally care-take her. When she didn’t feel like parenting, I was responsible for my siblings. When she lost her temper she hit. When I was disobedient, there were bizarre punishments.

                        I was not allowed to express feelings, ask questions, or show initiative or curiosity. My feelings were discounted, minimized, or invalidated. She re-wrote my memories, and I was expected to believe her version. I was to obey, stay quiet, and not question.

                        If any of this sounds familiar, you are not alone. If there is manipulation, power struggles, or cruelty in your relationship, this book can help. If you second-guess your memory, doubt your judgment or sanity, or continually seek your mother’s withheld affection, attention, approval, or love, this book can explain why.

                        Learn More

                        or

                        Get it Here:

                        Author’s Site: Free Shipping
                        Barnes and Noble
                        Amazon
                        BookBlasterMockups9 Traits of a Narcissistic Mother


                        Get the TOOLBOX posts twice monthly in your inbox!

                        Sign-up for twice monthly coping and healing strategies right to your inbox!
                        ​
                        Your Free Gift:
                        An Inner Child Guided Healing Meditation MP3

                          We respect your privacy. Unsubscribe at anytime.


                          About the Author

                          Tilted-Diane-Headshot-2023-lighter Traits of a Narcissistic Mother

                          Drawing from her personal experiences of growing up in a dysfunctional household, Diane Metcalf has developed effective coping and healing strategies. With the assistance of professional therapists and mindful personal growth, she has honed her skills and now happily shares them with others who are interested in learning and growing.

                          As an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer, Diane is well-versed in topics such as narcissism, family dysfunction, abuse, and recognizing warning signs. Her extensive knowledge is drawn not only from her personal experiences, but also from her work in human service fields, including domestic violence, partner abuse, and court advocacy. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.

                          Diane’s transformational books on healing and personal growth, such as the highly acclaimed “Lemon Moms” series, offer emotional support and guidance in understanding narcissistic traits and healing past wounds. Her approach emphasizes self-awareness, intention, self-care, and establishing healthy boundaries as essential components in the healing process.

                          Learn more about the Lemon Moms series: Lemon Moms

                          See what’s happening on DianeMetcalf.com

                          This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

                          Read more

                          Please share!

                          Reading time: 3 min
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                          Feel empowered to rescue, protect and heal yourself from their mistreatment or abuse.

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