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C-PTSD•Cognitive Dissonance•Scapegoating•Trauma

How the Silent Treatment Causes Emotional Damage

mouth covered by tape
July 19, 2021 by Diane M. Metcalf, MS No Comments

Narcissists love the silent treatment. It’s their secret weapon when they want to manipulate and hurt in a big way. Using the silent treatment is a way to inflict pain without causing visible evidence.

Research shows that when we ignore or exclude someone, it activates the same part of their brain as physical pain does. Narcissists instinctively know that this manipulative technique is extremely hurtful. It’s traumatic to those it’s inflicted upon (Eisenberger et al. 2004).

Because I write about narcissistic mothers, I’ll note here that a narcissistic mother gets her sense of self through her children. She needs to protect her self-image and her reputation as a loving, caring mother, so her children are a necessary part of her identity. This is why the silent treatment is so meaningful to her. To a narcissistic mother, when she uses the silent treatment, it’s as if she’s cutting off a very displeasing part of herself and, at the same time, understands how painful it feels to the person she’s shunning. I’ve heard others remark that my mother was the kind of person who would cut off her nose to spite her face. Win at any cost, right?

The Stone Wall

The silent treatment is a punishment that consists of “hurt and rescue.” It can continue for months or even years and is often used to teach a lesson or to manipulate behavior (Eisenberger et al. 2004). For those of us who’ve been subjected to this form of abuse, it kept us anxious by triggering our fear of abandonment. (Saeed, K. 2019).

When I was seventeen, I endured my mother’s silent treatment for a little over three months. She had given me the silent treatment before, and she would again, but this instance lasted the longest. For the entire three months, I was met with stony silence any time I attempted to interact with her. She would not make eye contact with me. There was no acknowledgment that I existed whatsoever.

I broke our silent relationship now and again, testing to see if she would respond, and each time I was met with cold rejection. The message was loud and clear that she was not finished punishing me, and my attempts were not going to have an effect. It was as if I was invisible. I remember needing affirmation from others that they could see me and that I existed. I felt like I was heading into insanity.

One day, as mysteriously as the silent treatment had started, it ended. When my mother broke the silence and spoke to me, it was some little unimportant phrase that had no real significance, but it indicated the shunning was over.

I couldn’t figure out what I had done to offend or anger my mother, to cause her to take such extreme action as the silent treatment. I spent an excessive amount of time obsessing about it, replaying scenarios and conversations repeatedly, looking for the cause. I never found it, and of course, we never discussed what happened. If I was supposed to learn a lesson, I never knew what it was. Maybe the whole thing was nothing more than a show of power, meant to demoralize and unsettle me. It remains a mystery to this day.

fractured-face How the Silent Treatment Causes Emotional Damage

Punitive Silence

When a person is actively ignored, it causes such psychological and emotional anguish that it can actually be seen on brain scans (Pune Mirror 2019). The silent treatment triggers a fear of abandonment, which is very frightening, but for children like me who’d already been abandoned by one parent, it is unbearable. I was obsessed with thoughts like, “Who will take care of me?” “Will I ever matter?” “Will I ever be safe?” “Will anyone ever love me?”

The fear of abandonment causes anxiety, worry, sleep loss, and inability to concentrate. Imagine trying to learn in school or study for tests while being actively ignored and rejected by a parent. With every silent treatment, we go deeper into survival mode, and we can experience panic attacks, appetite loss, binge-eating, racing heartbeat, nightmares, depression, confusion, and obsessive thinking. With each, we learn to focus more on our mother’s behavior and her needs. We learn to provide what she needs and wants because we fear we’ll be emotionally or physically abandoned again. The need to please and appease her becomes overblown.

A narcissistic mom understands that she’ll get away with rejecting and shunning because, as children, we have no choice but to welcome her back when she decides to return to our lives. We need her, after all, and she knows it. When she’s ready to acknowledge us again, we’re so happy, aren’t we?

The narcissistic mom likes knowing how hurt we are by her silent treatment. Our pain demonstrates to her that she is all-powerful and can devastate us if and when she chooses. It’s a great form of narcissistic supply.

Every time we go through the silent treatment, we’re diminished. Each time we endure active ignoring, we question our self-worth. Our self-esteem and self-image are further eroded, and our fear of abandonment escalates. Despite our accomplishments, acknowledgments, or friendships, we find ourselves desperate for our mother’s approval, which is, of course, always out of reach. We may come close, but we never quite make it.

We eventually accept that we aren’t worthy of her love or attention. We settle for any crumbs of affection or attention we can get from her. We learn that we’re somehow inferior and will never be able to please her, although we should continue trying.

This repeated process is called “trauma bonding” and is another example of the powerful emotional bonds created between abuser and abused. Over time, trauma bonds become very resistant to change, contributing to the development of a codependent relationship.

Tools:

Set boundaries 

Understand the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle

Learn about codependency

Let go of what you can’t control using loving-detachment

Learn about expectations

Conscious awareness:  Be aware and make conscious choices before acting. Self-awareness releases us from making impulsive and potentially damaging decisions.

Self-care: We are in control of ourselves and no one is responsible for us but us. We can only choose to focus on and be responsible for ourselves, our own thoughts, actions, and behavior. We can change ourselves with patience, persistence, and practice. When we take responsibility for getting our needs met, instead of waiting for someone to change or meet our needs for us, we are healing.

More Resources You May Like:

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    If not stocked, store copies may be ordered through the global distributor, IngramSpark.

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      About the Author

      Facetune_06-05-2021-18-24-57 How the Silent Treatment Causes Emotional Damage

      As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping skills and healing strategies for herself. She happily shares those with others who want to learn and grow. 

      Her Lemon Moms series and other books and articles are a combination of her education, knowledge, personal growth, and insight from her childhood experiences and subsequent recovery work.

      Diane holds a Master of Science degree in Information Technology and a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology. She’s worked in numerous fields, including domestic violence and abuse, and is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer about family dysfunction. On The Toolbox, she writes about recovery strategies from hurtful people and painful, dysfunctional, or toxic relationships. She has authored four transformational books about healing and moving forward from narcissistic Victim Syndrome.

      Visit her author’s site here: DianeMetcalf.com

      Learn about the Lemon Moms series here: Lemon Moms

      This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

       

      Read more

      Please share!

      Reading time: 5 min
      C-PTSD•Isolation•Self Care

      Resources for COVID anxiety

      washing hands
      May 22, 2020 by Diane M. Metcalf, MS No Comments

      I found these resources online when looking for support for myself and my loved ones. I checked these resources and thought I would share them here. This is by no means an exhaustive list and serves as an example of what you can find online if you are discerning.

      I’m not affiliated with these organizations in any way nor do I personally or professionally endorse them.

      From the CDC

      https://www.cdc.gov/coronavirus/2019-ncov/daily-life-coping/managing-stress-anxiety.html

      “Need help? Know someone who does? If you, or someone you care about, are feeling overwhelmed with emotions like sadness, depression, or anxiety, or feel like you want to harm yourself or others:
      Visit the Disaster Distress Helpline-call 1-800-985-5990, or text TalkWithUs to 66746”

      From the Anxiety and Depression Association of America

      https://adaa.org

      ADAA Videos:

      Managing the Roller Coaster of Emotions During COVID-19, ADAA Video – ADAA member Bethany Teachman, PhD
      https://adaa.org/webinar/consumer/managing-roller-coaster-emotions-during-covid-19

      Putting on the Oxygen Mask – How to Take Care of Yourself so You Can Take Care of Your Child, ADAA Video – ADAA member Rachel Busman, PsyD
      https://adaa.org/webinar/consumer/putting-oxygen-mask-how-take-care-yourself-so-you-can-take-care-your-child

      Experiencing Financial Stress Due to COVID-19? Learn Stress-Relieving Tips from Anxiety and Financial Experts, ADAA Video – ADAA member Debra Kissen, PhD and Financial planners Kristina Caragiulo and Nick Cosky from BDF LLC in Chicago
      https://adaa.org/webinar/consumer/experiencing-financial-stress-due-covid-19-learn-stress-relieving-tips-anxiety-and

      Managing Coronavirus Anxiety: Tips and Strategies for Families – ADAA Video – ADAA members Ken Goodman, LCSW, Debra Kissen, PhD and David H. Rosmarin, PhD, ABPP
      https://adaa.org/webinar/consumer/managing-coronavirus-anxiety-tips-and-strategies-families

      Quick Expert Tips and Strategies to Manage Coronavirus Anxiety – ADAA 5 minute Video – ADAA member Dr. Debra Kissen
      https://youtu.be/xP14-Pc56xU. ADAA also has free peer-to-peer support groups. 


      And last, but not least, here’s a great article from “Best Sleep Health”

      How to sleep better if you have coronavirus-related anxiety or sleep disturbances.

      More Resources You May Like:

      2-1024x1024 Resources for COVID anxiety

      I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self

      A Workbook and Journal

      How to write the highest vibrating, most powerful affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things

      Sold worldwide in any bookstore.

      Quick links:

      Barnes and Noble
      Amazon
      Walmart
      Author Site

      Join the Free Email Survival Course:

      Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward

      from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.

      Private Facebook group included for members only.

      Register Here!
      Free 8-week email Survival Course

        I respect your privacy. Unsubscribe at anytime.

        There’s an app for that!

        Get THE TOOLBOX APP

        for instant information, support, and validation!

        splashscreen-mobile-app-1-1024x1024 Resources for COVID anxiety
        GOOGLEPLAY-EMBLEM Resources for COVID anxiety
        app-store-logo Resources for COVID anxiety
        KINDLE-HiDef-3-book-series-2566-x-3846-px-683x1024 Resources for COVID anxiety

        The Lemon Moms Series:

        B&N
        Kindle
        Audible
        Amazon
        Nook
        Google
        Apple

        Available formats: eBook, audiobook, hardcover, paperback, and large print too!

        All are available worldwide at your favorite bookstore!

        If not stocked, store copies may be ordered through the global distributor, IngramSpark.

        For ordering through Amazon in the US and other countries:

        Amazon US, Amazon UK,  Amazon Germany, Amazon France, Amazon Italy, Amazon Japan, Amazon Canada, Amazon Australia, Amazon Netherlands, Amazon Spain

        In the US? No Amazon Prime? Buy directly from the author to

        GET FREE SHIPPING (U.S.)

        Get the TOOLBOX articles twice monthly to your inbox!

        Your Free Gift:
        Inner Child Healing Meditation mp3

          We respect your privacy. Unsubscribe at anytime.


          Visit Author’s Site

          About the Author

          Facetune_06-05-2021-18-24-57 Resources for COVID anxiety

          As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping skills and healing strategies for herself. She happily shares those with others who want to learn and grow. 

          Her Lemon Moms series and other books and articles are a combination of her education, knowledge, personal growth, and insight from her childhood experiences and subsequent recovery work.

          Diane holds a Master of Science degree in Information Technology and a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology. She’s worked in numerous fields, including domestic violence and abuse, and is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer about family dysfunction. On The Toolbox, she writes about recovery strategies from hurtful people and painful, dysfunctional, or toxic relationships. She has authored four transformational books about healing and moving forward from narcissistic Victim Syndrome.

          Visit her author’s site here: DianeMetcalf.com

          Learn about the Lemon Moms series here: Lemon Moms

          This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

           

          Read more

          Please share!

          Reading time: 1 min
          C-PTSD•Isolation•Self Care•Trauma

          Facing Our Demons in Difficult Times

          free from handcuffs
          May 4, 2020 by Diane M. Metcalf, MS No Comments

          How have you overcome a personal struggle since the pandemic began?

          I was talking to my daughter recently about how being stuck at home during the pandemic has forced me to face some things that I usually try to avoid. I’m not a big avoider, but when it comes to TV and social media, whenever I’m exposed to real conflict, confrontation, or anger, I typically click off. Witnessing people engaged in heated disagreements, escalating anger, name-calling, & open disrespect makes me uncomfortable and uneasy. For me, conflict and confrontation are emotional triggers.

          I accepted my avoidance tactics because I understood where they came from. Avoidance and escape are some of my survival mechanisms, and I was good with that until recently.


          The issue

          I like data. Databases, writing queries to collect data, and informational reporting are fascinating activities for me. I have a degree in Information Management and I like information in all forms; information is my jam. So during this time of self-quarantine, to feel safe, it’s essential that I have access to accurate, credible, trustworthy information and reports that help keep my family and me safe and healthy.

          On news shows and social media platforms, many times, “information“ is really an individual’s perspective or opinion. And when others don’t share that point of view, nasty disagreements can ensue.

          I’m all for having disagreements. There’s nothing inherently wrong with disagreeing with someone. I think sharing and discussing differing viewpoints is healthy and necessary to learn and grow. Differences in opinion and perspective can be voiced in a healthy, respectful, and productive way. My husband and I have differences in opinion, and when that happens, we usually speak calmly, in a respectful tone and demeanor. Often we end up agreeing to disagree. We don’t hurt each other simply because we have differing viewpoints. He’s entitled to his, and I’m entitled to mine. We don’t have to agree on everything. We are individuals.

          Differences in points of view can inspire us to question, listen, and learn something new.

          woman-wearing-mask-3873194-1-150x150-1 Facing Our Demons in Difficult Times

          What’s not healthy, when disagreeing, is showing blatant disrespect, refusing to listen, judging, offering non-constructive criticism and unsolicited advice, close-mindedness, shouting, and name-calling. When those things begin happening on news programs or social media, whether spoken or written, bye-bye, I’m outa there. I don’t feel a need to be part of that chaos.

          You can see how that wouldn’t benefit me in a time of needing and wanting information. I didn’t want only information that aligned with what I already knew or believed; I wanted everything. I wanted to be able to consider other viewpoints and opinions and decide for myself which of them are the most credible or applicable to me. That means that I had to develop the intestinal fortitude to sit through some of those challenges and emotional triggers mentioned above.

          Practice makes perfect

          Now I’m not going to sit here and tell you that suddenly I’m extremely comfortable witnessing situations that still feel threatening. No, not at all.

          What’s changed is my willingness to go out of my comfort zone and stay.

          News programs and social media can absolutely instill fear in some more than others. If you’ve grown up in a scary, threatening, or traumatic home environment, you know what I’m talking about. I’d started purposefully seeking out and identifying my triggers a while ago, and intentionally working to alleviate them. I recognized this as another opportunity.

          Differences in points of view can inspire us to question, listen, and learn something new.

          Having the opportunity to see issues from another’s point of view, and to learn something new, became more important to me than staying in my comfort zone.​ So I began sitting through the chaos and the triggers, forcing myself to remember that I’m in my own home, that I’m an adult, that I’m safe. Little by little, I began to hear and learn things that I wouldn’t have otherwise. My tolerance for witnessing heated differences of opinion eventually increased. Angry arguments between others began to feel less threatening. That, in itself, broadened my perspective. I found myself more willing to sit through what used to feel intimidating or scary. 

          Real life doesn’t happen n a bubble. I think sitting through uncomfortable moments has helped me to understand that I’m stronger and more resilient than I thought. I feel emotionally stronger in doing this exercise. I’m going to continue.

          What about you?

          What have the pandemic and self quarantining taught you about yourself? What have you learned? To share your experience with my readers, go to DianeMetcalf.com/story and send me your story!

          Tools:

          Self-care: We can only choose to focus on and be responsible for ourselves, our own thoughts, actions, and behavior. The good news is that we can change ourselves with patience, persistence, and practice. We can take responsibility for getting our needs met instead of waiting for someone to change or meet our needs for us. We are in control of ourselves, and no one is responsible for us but us.

          Practice mindfulness

          Learn about setting boundaries.

          Learn about codependency and maladaptive coping skills

          Take the Adverse Childhood Experiences quiz

          Learn about C-PTSD

          More Resources You May Like:

          2-1024x1024 Facing Our Demons in Difficult Times

          I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self

          A Workbook and Journal

          How to write the highest vibrating, most powerful affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things

          Sold worldwide in any bookstore.

          Quick links:

          Barnes and Noble
          Amazon
          Walmart
          Author Site

          Join the Free Email Survival Course:

          Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward

          from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.

          Private Facebook group included for members only.

          Register Here!
          Free 8-week email Survival Course

            I respect your privacy. Unsubscribe at anytime.

            There’s an app for that!

            Get THE TOOLBOX APP

            for instant information, support, and validation!

            splashscreen-mobile-app-1-1024x1024 Facing Our Demons in Difficult Times
            GOOGLEPLAY-EMBLEM Facing Our Demons in Difficult Times
            app-store-logo Facing Our Demons in Difficult Times
            KINDLE-HiDef-3-book-series-2566-x-3846-px-683x1024 Facing Our Demons in Difficult Times

            The Lemon Moms Series:

            B&N
            Kindle
            Audible
            Amazon
            Nook
            Google
            Apple

            Available formats: eBook, audiobook, hardcover, paperback, and large print too!

            All are available worldwide at your favorite bookstore!

            If not stocked, store copies may be ordered through the global distributor, IngramSpark.

            For ordering through Amazon in the US and other countries:

            Amazon US, Amazon UK,  Amazon Germany, Amazon France, Amazon Italy, Amazon Japan, Amazon Canada, Amazon Australia, Amazon Netherlands, Amazon Spain

            In the US? No Amazon Prime? Buy directly from the author to

            GET FREE SHIPPING (U.S.)

            Get the TOOLBOX articles twice monthly to your inbox!

            Your Free Gift:
            Inner Child Healing Meditation mp3

              We respect your privacy. Unsubscribe at anytime.


              Visit Author’s Site

              About the Author

              Facetune_06-05-2021-18-24-57 Facing Our Demons in Difficult Times

              As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping skills and healing strategies for herself. She happily shares those with others who want to learn and grow. 

              Her Lemon Moms series and other books and articles are a combination of her education, knowledge, personal growth, and insight from her childhood experiences and subsequent recovery work.

              Diane holds a Master of Science degree in Information Technology and a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology. She’s worked in numerous fields, including domestic violence and abuse, and is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer about family dysfunction. On The Toolbox, she writes about recovery strategies from hurtful people and painful, dysfunctional, or toxic relationships. She has authored four transformational books about healing and moving forward from narcissistic Victim Syndrome.

              Visit her author’s site here: DianeMetcalf.com

              Learn about the Lemon Moms series here: Lemon Moms

              This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

              Read more

              Please share!

              Reading time: 4 min
              Boundaries•Isolation•Self Care•Trauma

              Why Self-care is Essential for Mental Health

              man looking in microscope
              March 18, 2020 by Diane M. Metcalf, MS No Comments

              Control what you put in your brain

              I’m tired of hearing about Covid19. But at the same time, I want and need to stay apprised of what’s happening. Things are changing very quickly, almost hourly, and it’s tempting to keep the TV on just to stay “in the know“. But here’s the thing: staying glued to news programs can overwhelm you, release stress hormones, cause insomnia, worry, and unnecessary anxiety.

              I’m not saying don’t watch the news, but know when to turn it off or temporarily disengage. Events are unfolding at such a rapid pace that it’s hard to keep up. Immersing yourself in the negativity without taking breaks for helpful and healing activities will affect your thoughts and your body negatively.

              I experienced this myself last Tuesday. Until then, I thought I was handling the unfolding events very well. But quite unexpectedly, I had a surge of overwhelming feelings and I found myself crying with no real “reason“ for it. I felt like I just couldn’t handle another piece of information. It felt good to cry, and, I suggest that you do some crying too. Crying is like a pressure valve. It lets out the feelings we’ve been holding inside while trying to stay strong. But we’re strong even when we cry. I think it’s a smart healing thing to do, and we feel more clearheaded, grounded, and calm when we’re finished.

              We’re all experiencing traumatic events right now. We may be overwhelmed with information coming through the radio, TV, friends, family, neighbors, or social media. We may not know what to think or what to do. We may become hyper-vigilant, trying to keep up, putting our flight or fight survival mode into overdrive. This means dealing with an excess of hormones like cortisol, (which can cause, among other things, slower healing, weakness, fatigue, irritability, difficulty concentrating, high blood pressure, and headaches) and adrenaline (which among other things, increases heart rate and blood pressure). It also means that our hippocampus and amygdalae won’t be able to store short-term memories properly, and you may find yourself feeling scatterbrained.

              What you can do

              Take frequent breaks from the input. Taking breaks can also feel overwhelming and traumatizing at first. It’s important to know that if you find yourself getting overwhelmed, feeling stressed, or anxious, you should turn off the media and do something healing for yourself. Take a bath or a shower, clean a room, rearrange your pantry, clean out a drawer, take inventory of your supplies, journal, reach out to a friend; anything that will make you feel better and serve as a distraction from the situation. Think of all the things you can do to make you feel better and use that list over the next several weeks.

              Think back to a time when you felt overwhelmed and life was uncertain, and you got through it. Remind yourself that you coped then, and you will this time, too. Focus less on the changes and uncertainty and instead focus on centering, grounding, and calming yourself. Go back to watching the news when you feel you can handle it. Watch in short doses, taking short breaks in between.

              woman-wearing-mask-3873194-1-150x150-1 Why Self-care is Essential for Mental Health

              If you’re stuck at home, use this new gift of time to do the things you’ve been putting off. Get started writing that book, read to your kids, organize your digital photos, organize a closet. You get the idea. Think of the things you’ve been wanting to do and wishing you had the time to do, then start doing them. It’s amazing what getting into the “flow“ does to make you feel accomplished.

              Connect with people using social media. See if you have “Nextdoor.com” for your neighborhood and connect electronically with your neighbors. You can share information about stores and product availability, other resources, and important information.

              Check-in on elderly loved ones and elderly neighbors. Help whoever you can.

              Read uplifting material whether it’s a spiritual text, poetry, or old love letters. Watch comedies. Read that book you’ve been wanting to read!

              Journal! Not only will writing get worries off your mind, but it could be a keepsake for your children later on; a historical record of what’s happening and your thoughts and feelings about it.

              Do something physically challenging for stress relief. Jog in place, or pull out one of those old exercise videos and have at it. Make a game of it with your kids. Movement feels good and releases endorphins and other calming hormones. So does guided meditation, yoga, and stretching. Do the things that help you feel grounded, like praying or gratitude exercises.

              Control what you’re eating. Sugars and carbs cause inflammation, and inflammation lowers immunity.

              Six things that keep your immunity high

              1. Eat healthy foods in moderation and take a daily multivitamin.
              2. Exercise for 30 minutes daily.
              3. Get enough sleep.
              4. Wash your hands.
              5. Minimize or stop alcohol consumption.
              6. Quit smoking. Now is a great time!

              Make time for yourself

              As we become accustomed to these new events and our new temporary lifestyle, let’s put ourselves on our own to-do list. Make yourself a priority too. Remember, airlines always tell us to put on our own oxygen masks before assisting others. There’s a reason for that: you’re not going to be of any use to anyone if you don’t take care of yourself first.

              Stay well, and, stay healthy my friends.

              Tools:

              Conscious awareness:  Be aware and make conscious choices before acting. Self-awareness releases us from making impulsive and potentially damaging decisions. Learn about setting boundaries 

              Self-care: We can only choose to focus on and be responsible for ourselves, our own thoughts, actions, and behavior. The good news is that we can change ourselves with patience, persistence, and practice. We can take responsibility for getting our needs met, instead of waiting for someone to change or meet our needs for us. We are in control of ourselves and no one is responsible for us but us.

              Practice mindfulness

              Learn about codependency and maladaptive coping skills

              Learn about C-PTSD

              Recognize the Cycle of Abuse

              More Resources You May Like:

              2-1024x1024 Why Self-care is Essential for Mental Health

              I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self

              A Workbook and Journal

              How to write the highest vibrating, most powerful affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things

              Sold worldwide in any bookstore.

              Quick links:

              Barnes and Noble
              Amazon
              Walmart
              Author Site

              Join the Free Email Survival Course:

              Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward

              from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.

              Private Facebook group included for members only.

              Register Here!
              Free 8-week email Survival Course

                I respect your privacy. Unsubscribe at anytime.

                There’s an app for that!

                Get THE TOOLBOX APP

                for instant information, support, and validation!

                splashscreen-mobile-app-1-1024x1024 Why Self-care is Essential for Mental Health
                GOOGLEPLAY-EMBLEM Why Self-care is Essential for Mental Health
                app-store-logo Why Self-care is Essential for Mental Health
                KINDLE-HiDef-3-book-series-2566-x-3846-px-683x1024 Why Self-care is Essential for Mental Health

                The Lemon Moms Series:

                B&N
                Kindle
                Audible
                Amazon
                Nook
                Google
                Apple

                Available formats: eBook, audiobook, hardcover, paperback, and large print too!

                All are available worldwide at your favorite bookstore!

                If not stocked, store copies may be ordered through the global distributor, IngramSpark.

                For ordering through Amazon in the US and other countries:

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                  Facetune_06-05-2021-18-24-57 Why Self-care is Essential for Mental Health

                  As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping skills and healing strategies for herself. She happily shares those with others who want to learn and grow. 

                  Her Lemon Moms series and other books and articles are a combination of her education, knowledge, personal growth, and insight from her childhood experiences and subsequent recovery work.

                  Diane holds a Master of Science degree in Information Technology and a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology. She’s worked in numerous fields, including domestic violence and abuse, and is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer about family dysfunction. On The Toolbox, she writes about recovery strategies from hurtful people and painful, dysfunctional, or toxic relationships. She has authored four transformational books about healing and moving forward from narcissistic Victim Syndrome.

                  Visit her author’s site here: DianeMetcalf.com

                  Learn about the Lemon Moms series here: Lemon Moms

                  This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

                   

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                  Codependency•Isolation•Trauma

                  Feeling Isolated Sucks

                  kitten
                  June 15, 2019 by Diane M. Metcalf, MS No Comments

                  Isolation is harmful

                  Emotional isolation is a complex set of feelings and actions. It’s that sense of loneliness, or of not belonging, that we get when we feel ignored, invisible, or like we don’t matter.

                  If we don’t have a voice (meaning that we don’t have a “say” in a decision-making process, or if we do speak up, our input doesn’t count) we may feel alone, separated, or isolated from others.

                  Isolation feels like disconnectedness, being unattached, singular, on our own, forever-solo. And we can feel that way even when we’re not physically alone. There have been times that I’ve felt isolated in a room full of people!

                  Our isolation can make us feel as though we’re unimportant to everyone and that we matter to no one, sometimes not even to ourselves.

                  What leads to isolation?

                  When we intentionally (or unintentionally) withdraw or cocoon, or we don’t respond when others reach out to us, (or WE don’t reach out) we are cutting ourselves off from humanity.  When we live inside our heads, not sharing our thoughts or feelings, we’re actually practicing an act of isolation. Isolating in this way is a type of numbing, a kind of “hiding” from ourselves or from reality. Sometimes it’s connected with denial.

                  teddy-bear-150x150 Feeling Isolated Sucks

                  Growing up in a home where there’s no emotional inter-connectedness with our family members or no real communication, often leads to experiencing feelings of isolation. When we feel ignored, invisible or insignificant as a child,  it’s easy to continue using these same maladaptive relationship patterns after we become adults. As a result, we may continue to let others make our decisions for us without the benefit of us sharing our thoughts or feelings. We choose to silence our voices because we believe that what we say doesn’t matter. We give away our personal power because we’re not even aware that we have any power.

                  When we’ve been traumatized by narcissism, alcoholism, addiction, or any other type of toxicity, whether as a child or as an adult, we often feel like we can’t talk about it with others. We prefer to keep our thoughts and feelings to ourselves because we feel ashamed or embarrassed. Sometimes we criticize and judge ourselves for becoming isolated, or for being in a particular situation, or with a certain person. Sometimes we fear others’ judgment or criticism of our choices, and sometimes it simply feels like no one will be able to understand. We may feel at fault for our circumstances and we isolate ourselves to hide our shame and our secrets.

                  Brene’ Brown is a research professor at the University of Houston and she’s well known for studying courage, vulnerability, shame, and empathy. Brene’ firmly believes that we have to “walk through vulnerability to get to courage”, therefore . . . we should “embrace the suck.”

                  In her book I thought it was just me (but it isn’t): Making the Journey from “What Will People Think?” to “I Am Enough”, Ms. Brown describes shame as a “silent epidemic”, something that everybody experiences at some point in their lives.

                  She goes on to say that “Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging”. Personally, I don’t think it’s a coincidence that shame is associated with depression, guilt, anxiety, eating disorders, addiction, and violence. (habitsforwellbeing.com)

                  ~By isolating, we prolong the pain.~

                  Patterns of Isolation 

                  By entertaining thoughts of “I don’t belong”, or by judging ourselves as “not good enough”, we close ourselves off from others. This avoidance-tactic can be used to hide from ourselves or from others, and even from reality. There are lots of ways to hide! We can hide physically, mentally, spiritually, and/or emotionally. We may stop socializing and interacting. We may feel like keeping secrets and hiding or cocooning so we begin keeping to ourselves, and not reaching out for help or support. We may emotionally (or physically!) push others away. We interact with friends or family less often and when we do, topics of conversation become superficial, and we steer clear of conversations about our personal or home-life. We avoid any chance of getting emotionally triggered or of triggering others. We avoid embarrassment by not accepting social invitations. 

                  What we’re actually doing is trying to avoid potential or imagined pain. 

                  The Power of Our Thoughts

                  “Closed-thinking” is an orderly and pretty inflexible task-based way of thinking. When we use a closed-thought process, we focus solely on “the goal”, and getting something accomplished. We’re pressured and probably feel stressed because there’s usually a time limit or due date involved. Even self-imposed due dates can feel stressful.

                  Conversely, “open-thinking” feels more relaxed.  When we use open-thinking we don’t feel rushed because there is no hurry, there is no “due date.”  We don’t feel pressured or stressed. With open-thinking, we enjoy the process of “playing around” with our beliefs and ideas instead of focusing on time-sensitive outcomes.

                  Is it surprising to know that isolation thrives on closed-thinking? It’s no wonder isolation can feel so suffocating and hopeless.

                  We all have the ability to use open thinking, but many of us don’t have experience using our minds this way. Maybe we never learned how, or we never saw it modeled. Maybe life simply feels too heavy or serious right now to “play around” with ideas. Perhaps the idea of learning a new way of thinking makes us tired or uncomfortable.

                  Trying to learn how to think openly can certainly feel uncomfortable at first, and using this less restrictive process will remain difficult if we don’t practice.

                  Thinking openly means that we give ourselves time to daydream about possibilities and the space to read and research and envision scenarios. “What if” we were to do this instead of that? What would that look like? How might it feel? Open thinking involves thinking creatively (instead of purely logically) and collaborating with others. Bouncing ideas off somebody we respect and trust can show us new perspectives and can open up new possibilities.

                  Breaking Isolation

                  Breaking our isolation means that we have to begin trusting people and changing our perspectives. We have to start taking chances and participate in our life. Sharing ourselves with others and getting comfortable with our own vulnerability are the antidotes for isolation. 

                  Brene’ Brown says: “Shame is the most powerful, master emotion. It’s the fear that we’re not good enough” and “Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it’s having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome”.

                  Her research findings can effectively be summarized in this statement: “Staying vulnerable is a risk we have to take if we want to experience connection.”

                  Try reaching out to someone today. Just do one thing to break your isolation. Letting yourself be vulnerable will get easier with practice, I promise.

                  Tools:

                  • Self-care
                  • Identify the Cycle of Abuse
                  • Recognize codependent coping skills
                  • Everyone makes choices. Are you choosing to stay in suffering-mode? Why or why not?
                  • Respond rather than react. (Homework: look up the difference between reacting and responding. Try responding the next time you have the opportunity. See how it feels.)
                  • Have a plan for ending the isolation.
                  • Reframe your viewpoint: a shift in perspective can help us to determine what’s most valuable to us so we don’t waste emotional energy on less important things. Perspective is everything.
                  • Be open to new ideas that we weren’t open to in the past. Open-mindedness will help us take advantage of new resources as they become available.
                  • Conscious awareness:  Be aware and make conscious choices before acting. Self-awareness releases us from making impulsive and potentially damaging decisions.
                  • Progress not perfection: Let’s give ourselves credit and just enjoy being human! No one is perfect. People just like to pretend they are.
                  • Live in the present: Be willing to give up worrying about the future. The future doesn’t exist, so we can’t predict or control it. Give up worrying about the past too because the past doesn’t exist either, it’s a mental construction. The past is the “snapshot” we hold of an event that was processed by our own personal and unique filters. Focusing on the present moment is the only state of being that we can actually influence.
                  • I’m in control of me. We can only choose to focus on and be responsible for ourselves, our own thoughts, actions, and behavior. The good news is that we can change ourselves with patience, persistence, and practice. We can take responsibility for getting our needs met, instead of waiting for someone to change or meet our needs for us. We are in control of ourselves and no one is responsible for us but us.
                  • Set boundaries 
                  • Do things you enjoy or that make you feel good. Taking care of ourselves and enjoying life is not selfish. 

                  More Brene’ Brown Quotes:

                  “When we’re defined by what people think, we lose the courage to be vulnerable. Therefore, we need to be selective about the feedback we let into our lives. For me, if you’re not in the arena also getting your ass kicked, I’m not interested in your feedback.” – Brené Brown

                   “You either walk inside your story and own it or you stand outside your story and hustle for your worthiness.” – Brené Brown

                  More Resources You May Like:

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                      Facetune_06-05-2021-18-24-57 Feeling Isolated Sucks

                      As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping skills and healing strategies for herself. She happily shares those with others who want to learn and grow. 

                      Her Lemon Moms series and other books and articles are a combination of her education, knowledge, personal growth, and insight from her childhood experiences and subsequent recovery work.

                      Diane holds a Master of Science degree in Information Technology and a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology. She’s worked in numerous fields, including domestic violence and abuse, and is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer about family dysfunction. On The Toolbox, she writes about recovery strategies from hurtful people and painful, dysfunctional, or toxic relationships. She has authored four transformational books about healing and moving forward from narcissistic Victim Syndrome.

                      Visit her author’s site here: DianeMetcalf.com

                      Learn about the Lemon Moms series here: Lemon Moms

                      This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

                       

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                      Please share!

                      Reading time: 8 min

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