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healing affirmations
Healing Affirmations•Self Care•Self-talk

How to Ditch Your Unsupportive Inner Dialogue

self love
March 6, 2022 by Diane M. Metcalf, MS No Comments

It’s not surprising to know that our inner dialogue is connected to how we feel and think about ourselves. If you beat yourself up for perceived failures or shortcomings, how does that help you? Does it motivate you to change? Does it keep you feeling bad and keep you stuck? How is that different from how a toxic or abusive person treats you?

Recovering from any kind of trauma, abuse or mistreatment requires more than reading, educating ourselves, and revisiting old memories. It requires getting in touch with our feelings, prioritizing self-care, dumping limiting beliefs, learning to set boundaries and enforce them. It means learning new ways of communicating, increasing self-esteem and self-confidence, and detaching from people who aren’t good for us.

It means doing the work, and I believe that going from an unsupportive inner dialogue to an uplifting and proactive one brings about positive change.

Until I began my own healing journey in earnest, I continued attracting toxic people and exercising my people-pleasing, codependent coping skills. I fixed and helped others without their invitation to do so. I felt resentful when they ignored my advice or were unappreciative of my help. Makes no sense, right?

In regard to healing specifically from narcissistic abuse, narcissism specialists say that we have two choices when dealing with those on the narcissistic spectrum: 1. live on their terms or 2. go “no contact.” For me, going no contact felt like a form of avoidance, and it wasn’t in line with the goals I had for myself. I wanted to learn how to heal and get my power back, not avoid. Going “no contact” wasn’t the right choice for me. So, I created a third option: I walked through the chaos and confusion of my mother’s narcissistic behavior, armed with new coping skills and strategies while protecting myself with boundaries. Retooling my self-talk in the form of positive affirmations was part of that package too, and I’ve included some of my favorite affirmations at the bottom of this article. I hope you check them out!


Negative and Unsupportive

In talking about affirmations, you might be more familiar with the negative types; those hurtful, unkind, and destructive things we tell ourselves. They are unsupportive inner dialogues that run in the background of our thoughts. We hear them as that little voice that whispers, “you’re too fat to be wearing that,” or “none of these people care about what you think,” or “you’re not smart enough to do that.” Those negative affirmations can do a lot of harm to our self-confidence and self-esteem. It’s time to replace them. Let’s kick the negativity out altogether. When we’re on a path of self-discovery, recovery, and moving forward, negative self-talk has no place in our lives.

If we grew up surrounded by dysfunction, especially in a narcissistic home, we got the message that we couldn’t do anything right, weren’t good enough, or didn’t matter. If we had a narcissistic mother, her words and behavior cut us deeply, like emotional knives. And long after we left home, that cruel, critical, internalized voice stayed with us.

We may try convincing ourselves that we’re over-reacting, that no harm was done, or that those painful memories we keep experiencing never really happened (self-gaslighting.) However, denying the reality of a painful childhood and allowing emotional wounds to remain unhealed leaves us unprepared for life’s challenges as adults. Our unhealed triggers and wounded inner child can keep us stuck perceiving, feeling, and responding like frightened children.

I-AM-1-150x150 How to Ditch Your Unsupportive Inner Dialogue


Two Powerful Words

Positive, healing affirmations remind us of who we are when we are living as our authentic selves. Affirmations remind us of who we are when we are living as our true selves. By following our intuition, and writing and speaking positive affirmations, we begin to honor and eventually become our authentic selves and create our best lives possible. We become our best ”I Am.”

Affirmations are designed to promote an optimistic mindset; they have been shown to reduce the tendency to dwell on negative experiences (Wiesenfeld et al., 2001.) Optimism is powerful! When we replace negative thoughts with positive ones, we create a whole new mindset and perspective about “who we are” and what we can accomplish.

I-am-300x300 How to Ditch Your Unsupportive Inner Dialogue

The Work

Using strong positive affirmations helps with boundary setting, feeling safe, improving self-trust and self-esteem, increasing self-confidence and personal empowerment, and healing C-PTSD symptoms.


Positive Affirmations vs. Codependency

Positive affirmations are the opposite of codependency. By speaking positive affirmations, we are reminded that we are powerful, that we matter, that we are worthy and that we already have the answers we seek. When we stand in this truth, our truth, we feel this. We know this.

If we don’t frequently remind ourselves of who we are as our best selves we can easily slip into living on others’ terms and lose our identities. We can quickly become other-focused and work to become what someone else wants us to be. This loss of self is at the core of codependency, (aka enabling and people-pleasing.)

I’ve heard it said that “damnation is the discontinuation of growth and development.” We may not know where we’re going, but let’s not go back to where we’ve been. Instead, keep growing, keep learning, keep moving forward, keep healing. Learn to trust the ebb and flow of life and, most importantly, in yourself.

Here are some healing affirmations from my book, Lemon Moms Life-altering Affirmations: Change Your Self-talk, Change YourSELF. They were specifically written for those who are in a relationship with someone who has narcissistic traits, but they can be useful to anyone who needs them. Many of them help diminish codependent thinking and behaving.

These affirmations will help if you’re: healing from narcissistic or abusive interactions, progressing through Narcissism Awareness Grief, experiencing Narcissism Victim Syndrome, at any phase in the cycle of abuse, or living with someone who has distorted thinking or mental illness. Some affirmations are repeated in more than one category because they apply to more than one.

I sincerely wish you healing and peace.

If you’re interested in Lemon Moms Life-Altering Affirmations: Change Your Self-talk, Change YourSELF– it’s sold everywhere, including Audible, Amazon Kindle, Amazon paperback, B&N Nook, B&N paperback, GOOGLE PLAY, APPLE

Healing Affirmations

For Calming Fight or Flight (Affirmations to help deal with hypervigilance)

  • I have confidence in myself.
  • The past is over. I happily focus on the present moment, feeling empowered.
  • I acknowledge and protect my personal power.
  • I am safe.
  • I hear, affirm, comfort, and validate my inner child.
  • I trust my mind.
  • I trust my decisions.
  • My self-talk is strictly positive.
  • I trust my senses of sight, hearing, smell, taste, and touch.
  • I am whole.
  • I can, and I will.
  • I heal more every day.
  • I am in control of what I think and how I feel.
  • I am a survivor and healed warrior. 
  • Today I give myself the freedom to make an error and know that it does not affect my worth as a human being.
  • I release old habits and practice new ones.
  • I let go of controlling or manipulating others.
  • I know and trust my own mind.

For Working Through Narcissism Awareness Grief (Affirmations to help deal with feelings of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, rewriting, acceptance)

  • I always mattered, but my mother couldn’t see it or acknowledge it.
  • I am in charge. Today’s thoughts create my future.
  • I hear, affirm, comfort, and validate my inner child.
  • This is stressful, so I take extra good care of myself today.
  • I stay in the present and focus on one day at a time.
  • I let myself rest without judgment.
  • I am kind and gentle with myself.
  • Today I honor and cherish my inner child, who was blameless then and now.
  • Now is the time to step into my power.
  • I am loved, loving and lovable.
  • I can do hard things.
  • When I have a problem, I focus on solutions.
  • I am naturally relaxed and confident.
  • I am safe and secure.
  • I am emotionally and physically strong.
  • I allow peace into my life.
  • I effectively communicate my needs and desires.
  • I accept that others love the best they can and may be limited in their ability to express love.
  • I am centered and focused.
  • I am unaffected by the desires of others

To Feel Accepted (Affirmations to help deal with being scapegoated and rejected)

  • I use my voice, and I am heard.
  • Only I can determine my self-worth.
  • I let go of the need for others to validate me.
  • I value myself.
  • I am human. It’s OK to be imperfect.
  • I focus on what I can control, and I release the rest.
  • I make healthy choices for myself.
  • I ask for help when I am struggling.
  • I allow others to live their lives and release the need to worry or control.
  • I am stronger than I thought.
  • I lean on others for support, and I am lovingly supported.
  • I find something for which to be grateful every day.
  • I am loving, intelligent, and creative, and I make positive changes in my life.
  • I am a survivor and healed warrior. 
  • I deserve good things in life.
  • My relationships are respectful and peaceful.
  • I release old habits and practice new ones.
  • I am connected with my authentic self.
  • I express myself confidently.
  • I hear my intuition and inner wisdom, and I listen.
  • I am well and worthy. 
  • I know and trust my own mind.
  • My boundaries are a form of self-love.
  • Only I can determine my self-worth.

To Heal Betrayal Wounds (Affirmations to help deal with narcissistic dishonesty and lies)

  • I use my voice, and I am heard.
  • I let go of the need for others to validate me.
  • Only I can determine my self-worth.
  • I listen when my heart talks to me.
  • I reaffirm for myself that I am on the right path.
  • I happily focus on the present moment, feeling empowered.
  • I focus on what I can control, and I release the rest.
  • I lean on others for support, and I am lovingly supported.
  • I value myself.
  • I rely on my higher power for strength and guidance.
  • I easily dial-up my confidence anytime I want.
  • I acknowledge the things that I like about myself and add to that list regularly.
  • I am resilient.
  • I am unaffected by other’s negativity.
  • I see the good things in myself.
  • When I feel overwhelmed, I choose healthy ways to cope.
  • I am intelligent and use my mind to make my life better.
  • I am a caring person, and people care about me.
  • I have strong intuition, and I trust it even if I don’t like what it tells me.
  • When I see red flags occurring in people or relationships, I pay attention to them and respond accordingly.
  • I ask for clarification when I am confused.

To Heal Shame (Affirmations to help deal with feeling ashamed)

  • I am worthy of love, happiness, and fulfillment.
  • Only I can determine my self-worth.
  • I have everything I need to be successful.
  • I am strong and resilient.
  • I am complete and whole.
  • I embrace change. I am the author of my story.
  • I embrace my new life even when it makes others uncomfortable.
  • I hear, affirm, comfort, and validate my inner child.
  • I allow without judgment.
  • I focus on what I can control, and I release the rest.
  • Everything is working for my highest good.
  • I belong. I know that I am safe.
  • I have everything I need. I am safe. I am loved.
  • I feel safe wherever I am.
  • I give my time and energy to those who deserve it.

Tools for Healing:

Learn why what you tell yourself matters

Learn how to protect yourself with boundaries 

Learn about the narcissistic abuse cycle

Learn about dysfunctional family roles

More Resources You May Like:

2-1024x1024 How to Ditch Your Unsupportive Inner Dialogue

I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self

A Workbook and Journal

How to write the highest vibrating, most powerful affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things

Sold worldwide in any bookstore.

Quick links:

Barnes and Noble
Amazon
Author Site

Join the Free Email Survival Course:

Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward

from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.

Private Facebook group included for members only.

Register Here!
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    The Lemon Moms Series:

    B&N
    Kindle
    Audible
    Amazon
    Nook
    Google
    Apple

    Available formats: eBook, audiobook, hardcover, paperback, and large print too!

    All are available worldwide at your favorite bookstore!

    If not stocked, store copies may be ordered through the global distributor, IngramSpark.

    For ordering through Amazon in the US and other countries:

    Amazon US, Amazon UK,  Amazon Germany, Amazon France, Amazon Italy, Amazon Japan, Amazon Canada, Amazon Australia, Amazon Netherlands, Amazon Spain

    In the US? No Amazon Prime? Buy directly from the author to

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      About the Author

      Facetune_06-05-2021-18-24-57 How to Ditch Your Unsupportive Inner Dialogue

      As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping skills and healing strategies for herself. She happily shares those with others who want to learn and grow. 

      Her Lemon Moms series and other books and articles are a combination of her education, knowledge, personal growth, and insight from her childhood experiences and subsequent recovery work.

      Diane holds a Master of Science degree in Information Technology and a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology. She’s worked in numerous fields, including domestic violence and abuse, and is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer about family dysfunction. On The Toolbox, she writes about recovery strategies from hurtful people and painful, dysfunctional, or toxic relationships. She has authored four transformational books about healing and moving forward from narcissistic Victim Syndrome.

      Visit her author’s site here: DianeMetcalf.com

      Learn about the Lemon Moms series here: Lemon Moms

      This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

      Read more

      Reading time: 10 min
      Codependency•Healing Affirmations•Narcissism•Self Care

      Upon The Death of a Narcissistic Parent

      August 23, 2021 by Diane M. Metcalf, MS No Comments

      As I write this article, I am processing my mother’s recent death and what it means for me. My inner child is asking for and needing attention. I am honoring my inner child.

      I feel sad that my mother’s life has ended because now she has no more opportunity to heal, or attempt to heal, relationships that need healing. And there were many.

      The morning after her death, the first thought to form in my waking consciousness was “The big bad wolf is gone.” That tells me a LOT. My inner child finally feels safe.

      For decades I struggled physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally with the realization that I had a mother who chose solely minimal involvement with me since I was a child. She was often hurtful, spiteful, and mean-spirited. The continual emotional abandonment that I felt during those years was real. Throughout, I continually longed for and chased after her ever-withheld love, affection, and acceptance. I felt like I was lost in the woods, wandering a deep, dark, dangerous forest, unable to find my way home for so very long. Subsequently, I mourned the loss of my mother decades ago when she was very much alive. There are no more tears left to shed.

      When I was able to accept that I was only as valuable to my mother as the things I could do or provide for her, I began to deal with the core problem: my codependency. Finally, I found the path and began reversing the codependent thoughts and behaviors. It literally changed everything.

      If you’ve read my book Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism, you already know that my mother had many narcissistic traits. Among other types of controlling behavior, she often used fear of abandonment to manipulate me as a child. She threatened to give me away to strangers, put me in an orphanage, or send me to live with my father, whom she repeatedly said: “didn’t love us or want anything to do with us.”

      And so, because I didn’t want to lose my home, I lived in constant fear of doing the “right thing,” whatever the right thing was at any particular time. “The right thing” could and did change without warning, so I needed to remain constantly alert for changes in her tone of voice, behavior, and in our overall home environment. As a result, I learned to continually take her “emotional temperature” to keep myself safe.

      My mom parented by blaming, shaming, intimidating, threatening, and physically punishing. In the earliest years, I learned that I was somehow to blame for everything that displeased her. Second-guessing and doubting myself became a way of life. I felt like a burden, believing that I made her life harder simply because I existed. I stayed out of her way as much as possible.

      I felt lonely and alone because there was no one to talk with about this way of life. Most of the people I knew were only able to see my mother’s public “false face,” and so they thought she was a wonderful mother and human being. Only those of us who lived with her saw both faces, the real and the false. Only those of us who lived with her experienced her true self.

      girl-with-bear-1-300x201 Upon The Death of a Narcissistic Parent

      Words Matter

      My mother shared her thoughts and feelings with me in frightening, highly emotionally charged, biased, and inappropriate ways when I was a young child. Gaslighting and the resulting cognitive dissonance distorted my perceptions and reality. Her behavior initiated my codependency, and her words guaranteed it.

      There were no boundaries in our home, but there was lots of name-calling, invalidation, uncommunicated expectations, and neglect. I stayed up as late as I wanted. I was expected to care for my younger siblings and was blamed and sometimes punished for their misbehavior.

      I was not allowed to openly express feelings, ask questions, or show initiative or curiosity. My emotions were discounted, minimized, or invalidated. Asking questions or taking action meant I was challenging my mother, and that was not tolerated. She rewrote my memories, and I was expected to believe her version. I was to obey, stay quiet and not question.

      My mom called me hurtful names and obscenities, and at times, as a form of punishment, she ignored me, not speaking to me for days, weeks, or even months.


      Awakening

      Reading, researching, and working with various therapists eventually led me into Narcissism Awareness Grief, a term coined by Dr. Christine Hammond. Narcissism Awareness Grief begins when you become aware of someone’s narcissistic traits and realize how they have negatively impacted you. Using this new lens; looking at my past in terms of my mother’s narcissistic traits, I re-examined my childhood experiences. I saw how those long ago, unhealed traumatic incidents affected my current adult relationships. I set out to learn the things I should have learned as a child, like how to trust, validate and affirm myself. Like how to calm my nervous system, and stop the hypervigilance. I discovered and learned how to control my triggers. I healed my cognitive dissonance, and C-PTSD symptoms, and taught my inner child to trust. I replaced codependent coping and thinking with healthy coping and thinking. In the process, I discovered and uncovered my true, authentic self. I found my voice and began to finally speak my truth without feeling shame. I felt whole and worthy for the first time in my life.

      So as I come to terms with the finality of my mother’s death and the end of our painful relationship, I find myself feeling grateful for my recovery work, my therapists and teachers, my inner child, my higher power, and especially my authentic self. I know she will always be truthful, supportive, validating, and affirming. She will always have my back.

      I’m here. I’m alive. I’m grateful. I’m ready.

      Tools:

      Learn about dysfunctional family roles

      Understand the Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse

      Learn about setting boundaries 

      Learn about codependency and maladaptive coping skills

      Learn about Narcissism Awareness Grief

      Let go of what you can’t control using loving-detachment

      Learn about expectations

      Conscious awareness:  Be aware and make conscious choices before acting. Self-awareness releases us from making impulsive and potentially damaging decisions.

      Self-care: We are in control of ourselves and no one is responsible for us but us. We can only choose to focus on and be responsible for ourselves, our own thoughts, actions, and behavior. We can change ourselves with patience, persistence, and practice. When we take responsibility for getting our needs met, instead of waiting for someone to change or meet our needs for us, we are healing.

      More Resources You May Like:

      2-1024x1024 Upon The Death of a Narcissistic Parent

      I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self

      A Workbook and Journal

      How to write the highest vibrating, most powerful affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things

      Sold worldwide in any bookstore.

      Quick links:

      Barnes and Noble
      Amazon
      Author Site

      Join the Free Email Survival Course:

      Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward

      from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.

      Private Facebook group included for members only.

      Register Here!
      Free 8-week email Survival Course

        I respect your privacy. Unsubscribe at anytime.

        There’s an app for that!

        Get THE TOOLBOX APP

        for instant information, support, and validation!

        splashscreen-mobile-app-1-1024x1024 Upon The Death of a Narcissistic Parent
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        The Lemon Moms Series:

        B&N
        Kindle
        Audible
        Amazon
        Nook
        Google
        Apple

        Available formats: eBook, audiobook, hardcover, paperback, and large print too!

        All are available worldwide at your favorite bookstore!

        If not stocked, store copies may be ordered through the global distributor, IngramSpark.

        For ordering through Amazon in the US and other countries:

        Amazon US, Amazon UK,  Amazon Germany, Amazon France, Amazon Italy, Amazon Japan, Amazon Canada, Amazon Australia, Amazon Netherlands, Amazon Spain

        In the US? No Amazon Prime? Buy directly from the author to

        GET FREE SHIPPING (U.S.)

        Get the TOOLBOX articles twice monthly to your inbox!

        Your Free Gift:
        Inner Child Healing Meditation mp3

          We respect your privacy. Unsubscribe at anytime.


          Visit Author’s Site

          About the Author

          Facetune_06-05-2021-18-24-57 Upon The Death of a Narcissistic Parent

          As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping skills and healing strategies for herself. She happily shares those with others who want to learn and grow. 

          Her Lemon Moms series and other books and articles are a combination of her education, knowledge, personal growth, and insight from her childhood experiences and subsequent recovery work.

          Diane holds a Master of Science degree in Information Technology and a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology. She’s worked in numerous fields, including domestic violence and abuse, and is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer about family dysfunction. On The Toolbox, she writes about recovery strategies from hurtful people and painful, dysfunctional, or toxic relationships. She has authored four transformational books about healing and moving forward from narcissistic Victim Syndrome.

          Visit her author’s site here: DianeMetcalf.com

          Learn about the Lemon Moms series here: Lemon Moms

          This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

          Read more

          Please share!

          Reading time: 5 min
          Boundaries•Healing Affirmations•Self Care•Self-talk

          Change Your Life with Self-Affirmational Therapy

          Healing Affirmations
          May 24, 2021 by Diane M. Metcalf, MS No Comments

          Using Affirmations to Heal Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome

          When we grew up in dysfunction, especially in narcissistic homes, we couldn’t do anything right. Whether intentional or not, if we had a narcissistic mother, her “ emotional daggers” hurt us deeply. Long after we left home, that cruel, critical voice stayed with us inside.

          We may have tried convincing ourselves that we were over-reacting, that she didn’t mean any harm, or that it never even happened. Denying the reality of our childhood and allowing emotional wounds to remain unaddressed and unhealed leaves us unable to face life’s challenges in an adult manner. Our unhealed triggers and our wounded inner child keep us stuck, perceiving, feeling, and responding like a frightened child.

          When we’ve done the work and progressed through the stages of Narcissism Awareness Grief to arrive at Acceptance, it feels as if a burden has been lifted. Suddenly we can see clearly. We are finally able to face ourselves and confront the reality of our past fully. It is as if blinders have been removed from our eyes; we can see our past; where we came from, who we were, who we are, and who we can be. And we’re not afraid or threatened by it. We have a sense of understanding and a new feeling of personal power. We know what to do, and we know we’ll be OK.

          We feel a sense of gratitude for allowing ourselves to question those unsupportive inner voices and challenge them. Now, we no longer feel the need to push them away. Now, we can sit with them and observe. And as we watch, we see our story unfold. We write and talk about it. We acknowledge the courageous little child we were, faced with a childhood full of confusion, doubt, and shame, and we feel compassion for ourselves.

          Healing Affirmations can help each stage of  Narcissism, Awareness Grief, and afterward, set boundaries and replace codependent thinking and behavior with healthy ones.

          What are Affirmations?

          An affirmation is a simple positive statement made in the present tense. It impacts the conscious and the subconscious minds. By believing in a particular thought and saying it regularly, you begin to attract more positivity and higher vibrational people and things into your life.

          The Law of Attraction is a viewpoint proposing that thinking positive thoughts bring about positive results, and negative thoughts bring negative ones. The theory is based on the belief that thoughts are a form of energy. So, positive thoughts attract positive energy; positivity, and success in health, finances, relationships, etc. As the “Law of Attraction” states, “like attracts like.”

          “Healing” affirmations are positive statements about your well-being. They are based on the belief that your thoughts influence your physical and emotional health. The best news is that you don’t have to be sick to use healing affirmations!

          Saying your affirmations to yourself is all about becoming your “authentic self.” You are more easily able to connect with your authentic self when your vibration is high. When we are not vibrating highly, unhealthy, unsupportive inner dialogue can remain our default way of life.

          Positive affirmations work best when they are highly personal. They are a self-talk approach that creates a motivating outlook on life. Affirmations help you elevate your emotional vibration when you’re in a lower vibrational pattern feeling emotions like fear, worry, anxiety, doubt, or powerlessness. Using positive affirmations is one of the quickest ways you can raise your vibration. They are a powerful tool for manifestation and can lift your attitude at the same time.

          As you continue to use your affirmations, your vibration will increase, and you’ll notice you feel lighter, happier, and more peaceful.  You’ll begin to attain your goals, fulfill your desires, and attract the people and experiences you want.

          How Affirmations Work

          Affirmations remind us of who we are and who we want to be. They help us to create our most authentic selves and connect us with our higher selves.

          The journey out of codependency means finding ourselves, discovering our true selves, our authentic selves, for the first time. When we are caught up in codependent behaviors, we don’t have an authentic self. In his book “Codependency, An Emerging Issue,” Robert Subby says that it results from household rules preventing the “open expression” of feelings. (Pompano Beach, FL, Health Communications Inc.,1984, pp. 34-44)

          Listen to your intuition, and your inner voice before you begin writing affirmations. Let your inner compass direct the course of your life. What is your inner voice telling you? What do you need to work on? When we use affirmations, we honor ourselves, listening to our intuition and higher power to become our authentic selves.

          Allow the journey to begin because you love yourself.

          The Power of Optimism

          Affirmations are written and designed to promote an optimistic mindset. Optimism is a powerful attitude! Affirmations have been shown to help reduce the tendency to dwell on negative experiences (Wiesenfeld et al., 2001.)

          When we replace negative thoughts with positive statements, we create a  whole new hopeful and flexible narrative around “who we are” and what we can accomplish.

          There are three main ideas underlying self-affirmation theory, and correctly written affirmations work according to this theory:

          First, by using positive affirmations, we can change our self-identity. Affirmations reinforce our newly created  self-narrative; that we are flexible, moral, and capable of adapting to different conditions (Cohen & Sherman, 2014.)

          Instead of viewing ourselves in a “fixed” or rigid way, for example, as “lazy” or “selfish,” when we are flexible, we can see ourselves as much more. We can adopt a wider range of “identities” and roles, which means we can define things like “success” differently. This means that we can view the various aspects of ourselves as positive and adapt to different situations more easily (Aronson, 1969.)

          Second, self-affirmation theory maintains that self-identity is not about being exceptional, perfect, or excellent (Cohen & Sherman, 2014). Instead, to be moral, flexible, and good, we need to be competent and adequate in areas that we value  (Steele, 1988.)

          Third, we maintain our self-integrity by behaving in ways that genuinely deserve acknowledgment and praise. This means that we say an affirmation because we want to live that particular personal value.

          What the Research Indicates

          Affirmation research focuses on how individuals adapt to information or experiences that threaten their self-image. Claude Steele, a social psychologist and emeritus professor at Stanford University, promoted self-affirmation theory in the late 1980s (Steele, C. M. 1988, Cohen, G. L., & Sherman, D. K. 2007). Today, self-affirmation theory remains well-studied throughout social psychological research (Sherman, D. K., & Cohen, G. L., McQueen, A., & Klein, W. M. 2006).

          Using self-affirmations can help us cope with threats or stress and can be beneficial for improving academic performance, health, and well-being. (Cohen, G. L., & Sherman, D. K. 2014).

          Self-affirmation theory has led to research in neuroscience, investigating whether we can “see” how the brain changes using imaging technology when using positive affirmations.

          MRI evidence suggests that specific neural pathways increase when we speak our affirmations (Cascio et al., 2016). The “ventromedial prefrontal cortex,” involved in positive valuation and self-related information processing, becomes more active when we speak positively about our values (Falk et al., 2015; Cascio et al., 2016).

          Falk and her colleagues focused on how we process information about ourselves.  They found that when we practice positive affirmations, we’re more able to perceive “otherwise-threatening information as more self-relevant and valuable” (2015: 1979). This can have several benefits.

          Evidence suggests that using positive self-affirmations is beneficial. Here are  six examples from the  experiential research:

          • Positive affirmations have been shown to decrease health-related stress (Sherman et al., 2009; Critcher & Dunning, 2015.)

          • Positive affirmations have been used effectively in Positive Psychology Interventions (scientific tools and strategies used for increasing happiness, wellbeing, positive thinking, and emotions, (Keyes, Fredrickson, & Park, 2012.)

          • Positive affirmation may help change the perception of otherwise “threatening” messages (Logel & Cohen, 2012.)

          • Positive affirmation can help us set our intention to change for the better (Harris et al., 2007) and eat more fruit and vegetables (Epton & Harris, 2008.)

          • Positive affirmations have been positively linked to academic achievement by lessening GPA decline in students who feel left out at college (Layous et al., 2017.)

          • Positive affirmation has been demonstrated to lower stress (Koole et al., 1999; Weisenfeld et al., 2001.)

          The Benefits 

          As we’ve seen, positive affirmations can provide health benefits by helping us to respond in a less defensive or resistant way when we perceive real or imagined threats. One study found that when using affirmations,  smokers responded less dismissively to graphic cigarette packet warnings and conveyed the intention to change their behavior (Harris et al., 2007).

          But more generally, using affirmations allows us to create an adaptive, broader self-concept, making us more resilient to life’s struggles. Whether it’s social pressure, health, or healing our trauma, a broader self-concept is an extremely helpful tool.

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          Mindfulness

          When implementing any change,  to be successful, you must be aware of the change you want to make throughout the day, every day. You must intentionally commit to making the change daily. We’ll talk more about intentions and intentionality later.

          What do you want to change about yourself? Do you have characteristics that you criticize, judge, and scorn? Maybe you have habits or perceived shortcomings that you’d like to give up?  Is there an aspect of your life that you want to develop? Your answers to questions like these can give you ideas about the kind of positive affirmations you could use.

          Thoughts Become Things

          Our subconscious minds accept repeated affirmations as truth, even when the affirmations are negative. Become aware of your negative thoughts.

          We want to use positive affirmations to change the way we think. If they’re created with a high vibrational frequency, we are more able to attract the things we’ve always wanted but believed we couldn’t have.

          But if you don’t write your affirmations correctly, it can be an absolute waste of time. The key to writing successful affirmations to achieve the life you want is to be confident that what you are saying will actually happen. 

          When you’ve learned how to write and use affirmations correctly, you can start manifesting your goals. It takes some practice and a bit of trial and error to figure out what works.

          Short, Clear, Concrete, Positive and Present Tense

          Affirmations that work the best are short, clear, concrete, positive, and in the present tense.

          Use only a few words in your affirmations to make them easier to remember. To accomplish this, begin with a  short phrase like:

          I am…

          I easily…

          I joyfully…

          I clearly see, hear, do…

          I excitedly…

          I look forward with joy to…

          I look forward to the opportunity that______provides for______.

          Your affirmations should be authentic, meaning that they feel doable and true. Our quantum self (our “self” at the molecular level) recognizes the truth contained within our affirmations.

          The above affirmational statements are concrete. They are solid, assertive, for a reason.  If you use words like “I feel,” it implies that your affirmation is temporary because feelings are temporary. Do you ever feel confident when you wear a certain item of clothing? What happens when you take it off? Do you see what I mean? The feeling of confidence may decrease or disappear altogether. When you say “I am,” it implies that it’s permanent, no matter the time, place, or situation. It says that you OWN IT.

          Know What You Want

          What is it that you want to achieve? What do you want to change about yourself?

          Ask yourself questions to find a concrete answer to include in your affirmations. For instance:

          “How can I _______________?” vs.  “I can’t because ___________. “

          Do you see the difference between these two approaches? Asking questions prompts your mind to start looking for concrete answers, consciously and unconsciously.  Asking questions opens up possibilities. When you tell yourself you can’t, it stops your mind from considering solutions. It prevents new ideas from forming. You can see how this would not be a good approach for trying to change your thoughts, beliefs, and mindset. So ask the questions and write your answers. Write the first thing that comes to mind without censoring or editing. I recommend this because the first answer often comes from our higher self or intuition, and is the purest, and often a most concrete form of your answer.

          Think about the goals you want to achieve, then write short statements that resonate with you.

          Write them as if the desired outcome has already happened.

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          For more information on how to use Healing Affirmations to heal emotional abuse, read book #3 in the Lemon Moms Series, Life-Altering Affirmations: Change Your Self-talk, Change YourSELF, available on Amazon and wherever books are sold.

          More tools for healing:

          Learn to set boundaries 

          Learn about dysfunctional family roles

          Understand trauma bonds

          Learn about codependency and maladaptive coping skills

          Understand the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle

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              About the Author

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              As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping skills and healing strategies for herself. She happily shares those with others who want to learn and grow. 

              Her Lemon Moms series and other books and articles are a combination of her education, knowledge, personal growth, and insight from her childhood experiences and subsequent recovery work.

              Diane holds a Master of Science degree in Information Technology and a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology. She’s worked in numerous fields, including domestic violence and abuse, and is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer about family dysfunction. On The Toolbox, she writes about recovery strategies from hurtful people and painful, dysfunctional, or toxic relationships. She has authored four transformational books about healing and moving forward from narcissistic Victim Syndrome.

              Visit her author’s site here: DianeMetcalf.com

              Learn about the Lemon Moms series here: Lemon Moms

              This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

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