For decades I’ve struggled physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally with the concept of having a mother who chose to have solely minimal involvement with me. She was often hurtful, spiteful, and mean-spirited during these infrequent interactions. The continuous emotional abandonment that I experienced during those years was real. Throughout, I continually longed for and chased after her ever-withheld love, affection, and acceptance. I felt like I was lost in the woods, wandering a deep, dark, dangerous forest, unable to find my way home for so very long. Subsequently, I mourned the loss of my mother decades ago when she was very much alive. There are no more tears left to shed.

When I was able to accept that I was only as valuable to my mother as the things I could do or provide for her, I began to deal with the core problem: my codependency. Finally, I found the path and began reversing the codependent thoughts and behaviors. It literally changed everything.

If you’ve read my book Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism, you already know that my mother had many narcissistic traits. Among other types of controlling behavior, she often used fear of abandonment to manipulate me as a child. She threatened to give me away to strangers, put me in an orphanage, or send me to live with my father, whom she repeatedly said: “didn’t love us or want anything to do with us.”

And so, because I didn’t want to lose my home, I lived in constant fear of doing the “right thing,” whatever the right thing was at any particular time. “The right thing” could and did change without warning, so I needed to remain constantly alert for changes in her tone of voice, behavior, and in our home environment. As a result, I learned to continually take her “emotional temperature” to keep myself safe.

My mom parented by blaming, shaming, intimidating, threatening, and physically punishing. In the earliest years, I learned that I was somehow to blame for everything that displeased her. Second-guessing and doubting myself ecame my way of life. I felt like a burden, believing that I made her life harder simply because I existed. I stayed out of her way as much as possible.

I felt lonely and alone because there was no one to talk to about this predicament. Most of the people in my life only saw my mother’s public “false face,” so they thought she was a wonderful mother and human being. Only those of us who lived with her saw both faces, the real and the false. Only those of us who lived with her experienced her true self.

Words Matter

My mother shared her thoughts and feelings with me in frightening, highly emotionally charged, biased, and inappropriate ways when I was a young child. Gaslighting and the resulting cognitive dissonance distorted my perceptions and beliefs. Her behavior initiated the codependency process, but her words guaranteed it. As a result, my codependency was progressing nicely.

There were no boundaries in our home, but there was lots of name-calling, invalidation, uncommunicated expectations, and neglect. I stayed up as late as I wanted. I was expected to care for my younger siblings and was blamed and sometimes punished for their misbehavior.

I was not allowed to openly express feelings, ask questions, or show initiative or curiosity. My emotions were discounted, minimized, or invalidated. Asking questions or taking action meant I was challenging my mother, and that was not tolerated. She rewrote my memories, and I was expected to believe her version. I was to obey, stay quiet and not question.

My mom called me hurtful names and obscenities, and at times, she ignored me, not speaking to me for days, weeks, or even months.

Awakening

Reading, researching, and working through various therapies eventually led me into Narcissism Awareness Grief, a term coined by Dr. Christine Hammond. Once there, I finally came to terms with my childhood experiences and learned how, unhealed, they affected my adult relationships. I worked through the stages and continued learning coping skills like setting boundaries, emotionally detaching, improving self-care, and practicing strategic communication. As I found my voice and spoke my truth, my confidence and self-esteem grew. I began feeling whole and worthy for the first time.

Narcissism Awareness Grief (NAG) begins when you become aware of your mother’s narcissistic traits and realize how they impacted you.

Much like the famous Kubler-Ross “five stages of grief” model, there are several stages of Narcissism Awareness Grief. They’re not linear; they’re not experienced in any particular order. We can go back and forth between the stages throughout the process of grieving. But every step must be experienced before we can get to the final stage, which is “acceptance.” It’s also possible to become stuck in any phase for any length of time and never enter into acceptance.

The last piece, acceptance, comes pretty organically as we do the work necessary to progress through these stages.

The Stages:

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Rewriting
6. Acceptance

The Power of Words

Written words, spoken words, they all matter. It matters what people say to you, and it matters what you say to others and to yourself. If you live with a narcissist or toxic person (or have one in your life), you already know that it can negatively affect how you think about yourself, what you tell yourself, and how you treat yourself.

Oblivious of my codependency, my mother’s words, and my own negative self-talk combined to confirm my beliefs; I was unlovable, would never be good enough, and didn’t matter.

The combination of the negative self-talk and the limiting beliefs kept me in a state of learned helplessness. Eventually, as an adult, I woke up to the fact that I was stuck. I’d been repeating the same hurtful relationship patterns throughout my adult life and wondering why I was unhappy. Finally, I realized that something had to change. So, among other things, I started examining, questioning, and then changing my unsupportive inner dialogue into supportive, positive self-talk. I watched in amazement as my limiting beliefs began to fade away. As I started thinking differently about myself, my self-concept changed. My opinions about myself changed. I changed.

It’s not surprising to know that what we tell ourselves is linked to how we feel about ourselves. Changing your self-talk from an unsupportive inner dialogue to an uplifting and proactive one brings about positive change. But, if you beat yourself up for perceived failures or shortcomings, how does that help you? Does it motivate you to change? Does it keep you feeling bad and keep you stuck? How is it different from how your narcissistic mother treated you?

And what we say to ourselves isn’t only a description of what we believe about ourselves; it is also a command. Your self-talk TELLS your mind what to think about you! When you tell yourself, “this is just who I am,” “I’ve always been _____,” or “I’ve always done _____,” it implies that there’s no room for change. These statements tell your brain, “this is it. This is final. There is no more.” Why would you want to do that? Chances are, you don’t know you’re doing it, and this is where self-awareness comes in.

Making positive life change is about progress, not perfection. Encourage yourself the way you’d encourage your friend or a small child. Be patient with yourself. It takes time to learn new things. Treating yourself with kindness, patience, and compassion does a lot towards reparenting yourself and healing your inner child.

Time for Action

Thinking about and remembering what happened in our childhoods doesn’t promote healing. Unfortunately, that’s where many of us get stuck. Recovery requires more than reading, educating ourselves, and revisiting old memories. It requires getting in touch with our feelings, prioritizing self-care, dumping limiting beliefs, learning to set boundaries and enforce them. It means learning new ways of communicating, increasing self-esteem and self-confidence, doing inner child and reparenting work, and detaching from people who aren’t good for us.

It means doing the work, and I believe that can begin with changing our unconscious, negative self-talk.

Until I began my healing journey in earnest, I continued attracting toxic people and exercising my codependency. I fixed and helped others without their invitation to do so. I felt resentful when they ignored my advice or were unappreciative of my help. It makes no sense, right? It didn’t feel great either.

Narcissism specialists say that we have two choices when dealing with narcissists and those on the narcissistic spectrum: live on their terms or go “no contact.” No contact felt like avoidance to me, and it didn’t feel good or in line with my intuition. I wanted to heal, not avoid. So I found a third option: walk through the chaos and confusion of narcissism armed with new coping skills and protected by boundaries.

For me, speaking positive healing self-affirmations were part of that recovery package. So, at the end of this article, I include some of my favorite affirmations taken from my book, Lemon Moms Life-altering Affirmations: Change Your Self-talk, Change YourSELF.

Negative and Unsupportive

You might be more familiar with negative affirmations, the hurtful, unkind, and destructive things we tell ourselves. They are the unsupportive inner dialogue that runs in the background of our thoughts. We hear them as that little voice that whispers, “you’re too fat to be wearing that,” or “none of these people care about what you think,” or “you’re not smart enough to do that.” Those negative affirmations can do a lot of harm to our self-confidence and self-esteem. It’s time to replace them with positive affirmations! Let’s kick negativity out of our lives altogether. Negative self-talk has no place in our lives anymore.

If we grew up in dysfunction, especially in a narcissistic home, we understood that we couldn’t do anything right and weren’t good enough or didn’t matter. But, whether intentional or not, if we had a narcissistic mother, her words and behavior, like emotional knives, cut us deeply. And long after we left home, that cruel, critical, internalized voice stayed with us.

We may try convincing ourselves that we’re over-reacting, that she didn’t mean any harm, or that it never really happened (self-gaslighting.) However, denying the reality of our childhood and allowing emotional wounds to remain unaddressed and unhealed leaves us unprepared to face life’s challenges as adults. Instead, our unhealed triggers and wounded inner child can keep us stuck perceiving, feeling, and responding like a frightened child.

Two Powerful Words

Positive, healing affirmations remind us of who we are when we are our authentic selves. By following our intuition, writing, and speaking positive affirmations, we can begin honoring and eventually becoming our true selves. Affirmations help us to find ourselves and create our best lives possible. Affirmations remind us of who we are when we are our authentic selves. By following our intuition, writing, and speaking positive affirmations, we can begin honoring and eventually becoming our true selves. Affirmations help us to find ourselves and create our best lives possible.

Affirmations are designed to promote an optimistic mindset; they have been shown to reduce the tendency to dwell on negative experiences (Wiesenfeld et al., 2001.) Optimism is a powerful tool! When we replace negative thoughts with positive ones, we create a whole new narrative around “who we are” and what we can accomplish.

Doing the Work

When we’ve done the work and progressed through the stages of Narcissism Awareness Grief, it may feel like a huge burden has been lifted when we arrive at the final phase of acceptance. We are finally able to fully confront the reality of our past. It is as if a blindfold was removed; we can see our history and how it relates to who we are now and who we can be in the future.

We’re not fearful or threatened by this understanding. Instead, we have a new sense of the “bigger picture.” All of the bits and pieces combine to give us a fresh new perspective and experience of ourselves and an awareness of our personal power. We feel hope. We feel grateful for allowing ourselves to question our past: in doing the work, we question what we’ve been told, and we challenge those unsupportive inner voices.

We no longer feel the need to push our feelings or memories away. Now, we can sit with them and observe. And as we watch, we see our story unfold. We write, or talk, about it. We acknowledge the courageous little children we were, faced with childhoods full of confusion, doubt, and shame, and we feel compassion for ourselves. We finally know what we want from ourselves and our lives, and we’re willing to start making the necessary changes to get it. We know we’ll be OK. We know we’ve got this.

Using strong healing affirmations helps when living beyond mere “acceptance.” They can help with boundary setting, feeling safe, improving self-trust and self-esteem, increasing self-confidence and personal empowerment, and healing C-PTSD symptoms. When we suffer from C-PTSD, our minds attempt to ensure our safety by alerting us to memories of similar feeling threats. If we avoid these painful memories by actively denying, disconnecting from, and rejecting them, the trauma remains unaddressed and unhealed.

Positive Affirmations vs. Codependency

Positive affirmations are the opposite of codependency. By speaking positive affirmations, we are reminded that we are powerful, that we matter, that we are worthy and that we already have the answers we seek. When we stand in this truth, our truth, we feel this. We know this.

If we don’t frequently remind ourselves of who we are and what we want, we can easily slip back into living our lives on other’s terms and lose our true identities. We can quickly become other-focused and work to become what someone else wants us to be. This loss of self is at the core of codependency, enabling, and people-pleasing.

Many of the following affirmations will help diminish codependent thinking and behaving.

I’ve heard it said that “damnation is the discontinuation of growth and development.” We may not know where we’re going, but let’s not go back to where we’ve been. Instead, keep growing, keep learning, keep moving forward, keep healing. Learn to trust the ebb and flow of life and, most importantly, in yourself.

Here are some healing affirmations from my newest book, Lemon Moms Life-altering Affirmations: Change Your Self-talk, Change YourSELF, specifically written for coping with someone else’s narcissism. They can help if you’re frequently involved in narcissistic interactions, dealing with Narcissism Awareness Grief, Narcissism Victim Syndrome, or coping with the death of a narcissistic parent. Some affirmations are repeated in more than one category, because they apply to more than one.

I sincerely wish you healing and peace.

Affirmations to Counteract Negativity (Affirmations to help deal with toxic people)

• I am grateful for all of the love that is in my life.
• I accept that others love the best way they know how.
• I let go of the need for others to validate me.
• I listen when my heart talks to me.
• My voice empowers me.
• I am centered and focused.
• I am capable and can easily handle anything that comes my way.
• I am unaffected by the desires of others.
• I trust my inner voice.
• I let go of those not headed where I am going as a form of self-respect.
• I am unaffected by other’s judgments.
• I repair relationships only with those willing to take their share of responsibility for what went wrong.
• Other’s words have no power over me.
• Every decision I make is right for me.
• All is well in my life.

Affirmations For Standing in Your Power (Affirmations to help deal with the loss of personal power)

• My personal power is stronger every day.
• I am my own person. I choose how I think and behave. 
• I love myself for who I am.
• I use my voice, and I am heard.
• I value myself.
• I am here, I am alive, I am grateful, I am ready.
• I easily dial-up my confidence anytime I want.
• I acknowledge the things that I like about myself and add to that list regularly.
• I am resilient.
• I am unaffected by other’s negativity.
• I see the good things in myself.
• I am intelligent and use my mind to make my life better.
• I have strong intuition, and I trust it even if I don’t like what it tells me.
• When I see red flags occurring in people or relationships, I pay attention to them and respond accordingly.

Affirmations For Calming Fight or Flight (Affirmations to help deal with hypervigilance)

• I have confidence in myself.
• The past is over. I happily focus on the present moment, feeling empowered.
• I acknowledge and protect my personal power.
• I am safe.
• I hear, affirm, comfort, and validate my inner child.
• I trust my mind.
• I trust my decisions.
• My self-talk is strictly positive.
• I trust my senses of sight, hearing, smell, taste, and touch.
• I am whole.
• I can, and I will.
• I heal more every day.
• I am in control of what I think and how I feel.
• I am a survivor and healed warrior. 
• Today I give myself the freedom to make an error and know that it does not affect my worth as a human being.
• I release old habits and practice new ones.
• I am connected with my authentic self.
• I express myself confidently.
• I hear my intuition and inner wisdom, and I listen.
• I am well and worthy. 
• I let go of controlling or manipulating others.
• I know and trust my own mind.

Affirmations for self-validation (Affirmations to help deal with constant invalidation)

• I accept and value myself exactly as I am.
• I use my voice, and I am heard.
• I let go of the need for others to validate me.
• I am in charge. Today’s thoughts create my future.
• I acknowledge and protect my personal power.
• I express myself confidently.
• I hear my intuition and inner wisdom, and I listen.
• I listen to my wise higher self.
• I acknowledge the things that I like about myself and add to that list regularly.
• I am resilient.
• When I feel overwhelmed, I choose healthy ways to cope.
• I am kind and empathetic.
• I am intelligent and use my mind to make my life better.
• I am a caring person, and people care about me.
• I am compassionate and show my compassion in a variety of ways.
• I have strong intuition, and I trust it even if I don’t like what it tells me.
• When I see red flags occurring in people or relationships, I pay attention to them and respond accordingly.
• I ask for clarification when I am confused.
• I attract mentally and emotionally stable people.
• I attract kind and caring people.
• My life gets better every day.
• When I slip up, I forgive myself and get back on track immediately.
• I trust my mind.
• I trust my decisions.

Affirmations for Working Through Narcissism Awareness Grief (Affirmations to help deal with feelings of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, rewriting, acceptance)

• I always mattered, but my mother couldn’t see it or acknowledge it.
• I am in charge. Today’s thoughts create my future.
• I hear, affirm, comfort, and validate my inner child.
• Today I take care of myself.
• I focus on what I can control, and I release the rest.
• This is stressful, so I take extra good care of myself today.
• I stay in the present and focus on one day at a time.
• My body and mind need rest to recharge, so I let myself rest without judgment.
• I am kind and gentle with myself.
• Today I honor and cherish my inner child, who was blameless then and now.
• Now is the time to step into my power.
• I am loved, loving and lovable.
• I can do hard things.
• I focus on what’s happening right now.
• When I have a problem, I focus on solutions.
• I am naturally relaxed and confident.
• I am safe and secure.
• I am emotionally and physically strong.
• I take time for myself to rest, relax, unplug or do something that I enjoy.
• I allow peace into my life.
• I effectively communicate my needs and desires.
• I make a positive difference in the world.
• I release my wounds to my higher power.
• I accept that others love the best they can and may be limited in their ability to express love.
• I allow myself to be childlike.
• I let go of control and allow life to unfold.
• I ask for what I want.
• I dare to be imperfect.
• My voice empowers me.
• Today I create the life I want.
• I am centered and focused.
• I am unaffected by the desires of others

Affirmations to Feel Accepted (Affirmations to help deal with being scapegoated and rejected)

• I use my voice, and I am heard.
• Only I can determine my self-worth.
• I let go of the need for others to validate me.
• I value myself.
• I am human. It’s OK to be imperfect.
• I focus on what I can control, and I release the rest.
• I make healthy choices for myself.
• I ask for help when I am struggling.
• I have easy, mutually accepting relationships.
• I allow others to live their lives and release the need to worry or control.
• I am stronger than I thought.
• I lean on others for support, and I am lovingly supported.
• I find something for which to be grateful every day.
• I am loving, intelligent, and creative, and I make positive changes in my life.
• I am a survivor and healed warrior. 
• I deserve good things in life.
• My relationships are respectful and peaceful.
• I release old habits and practice new ones.
• I am connected with my authentic self.
• I express myself confidently.
• I hear my intuition and inner wisdom, and I listen.
• I am well and worthy. 
• I know and trust my own mind.
• My boundaries are a form of self-love.
• Only I can determine my self-worth.
• I easily see a person’s authentic self, and I embrace what they’re showing me.
• I listen to my wise self.
• I am loved, loving and lovable.
• I can do hard things.
• I am here, I am alive, I am grateful, I am ready.
• I like myself.
• I am and always have been good enough.
• I take pleasure in my personal development.
• I focus on what’s happening right now.
• I am smart and capable.
• When I have a problem, I focus on solutions.
• I am naturally relaxed and confident.
• I am safe and secure.
• I am emotionally and physically strong.
• When I enter a room, I am poised and self-confident.

Affirmations to Heal Betrayal Wounds (Affirmations to help deal with narcissistic dishonesty and lies)

• I use my voice, and I am heard.
• I let go of the need for others to validate me.
• Only I can determine my self-worth.
• I listen when my heart talks to me.
• I reaffirm for myself that I am on the right path.
• I happily focus on the present moment, feeling empowered.
• I acknowledge and protect my personal power.
• I focus on what I can control, and I release the rest.
• I lean on others for support, and I am lovingly supported.
• I value myself.
• I rely on my higher power for strength and guidance.
• I easily dial-up my confidence anytime I want.
• I acknowledge the things that I like about myself and add to that list regularly.
• I am resilient.
• I am unaffected by other’s negativity.
• I see the good things in myself.
• When I feel overwhelmed, I choose healthy ways to cope.
• I am intelligent and use my mind to make my life better.
• I am a caring person, and people care about me.
• I have strong intuition, and I trust it even if I don’t like what it tells me.
• When I see red flags occurring in people or relationships, I pay attention to them and respond accordingly.
• I ask for clarification when I am confused.

Affirmations to Feel Safe (Affirmations to help deal with emotional abandonment)

• I am open and receiving all the good things life offers me.
• I am whole.
• I am grateful for my ongoing personal development.
• I can, and I will.
• I heal more every day.
• I am in control of what I think and how I feel.
• I am loving, intelligent, and creative, and I make positive changes in my life.
• I am a survivor and healed warrior. 
• My relationships are respectful and peaceful.
• I am connected with my authentic self.
• I am well and worthy. 
• Today I honor and cherish my inner child, who was blameless then and now.
• I know and trust my own mind.
• I am getting through this by making healthy choices.
• I do everything I can to be physically and emotionally healthy.
• I am optimistic.
• It’s OK for me to be afraid and courageous at the same time.
• I ask for help when I am struggling.
• I have easy, mutually accepting relationships.
• I take work breaks to rest or have fun.
• I lean on others for support, and I am lovingly supported.
• I find something for which to be grateful every day.

Affirmations to Heal Shame (Affirmations to help deal with feeling ashamed)

• I am worthy of love, happiness, and fulfillment.
• Only I can determine my self-worth.
• I have everything I need to be successful.
• I am strong and resilient.
• I am complete and whole.
• I embrace change. I am the author of my story.
• I embrace my new life even when it makes others uncomfortable.
• I hear, affirm, comfort, and validate my inner child.
• I allow without judgment.
• I focus on what I can control, and I release the rest.
• Everything is working for my highest good.
• I belong. I know that I am safe.
• I have everything I need. I am safe. I am loved.
• I feel safe wherever I am.
• I give my time and energy to those who deserve it.

Affirmations to Set and Maintain Healthy Boundaries (Affirmations to help deal with setting limits on what you’ll accept or tolerate)

• I deserve all the love, respect, joy, and prosperity that comes to me.
• I am compassionate and empathetic.
• I treat myself with love and respect.
• I honor and value myself.
• My body language demonstrates that I am sure of myself.
• I feel good about spending money on products and services to care for my body and demonstrate that I value myself.
• I take time for myself to rest, relax, unplug or do something that I enjoy.
• I allow peace into my life.
• I use my voice to protect myself.
• I attract joy into my life.
• I effectively communicate my needs and desires.
• I make a positive difference in the world.
• I accept that others love the best they can and may be limited in their ability to express love.
• I honor and respect myself.
• I face my problems with courage and trust.
• I ask for what I want.
• I clearly state my expectations.
• My voice empowers me.
• I joyfully do what’s right for me every day.

Affirmations to Feel Secure (Affirmations to help deal with narcissistic rages)

• Only I can determine my self-worth.
• I listen when my heart talks to me.
• I acknowledge and protect my personal power.
• I am safe and free.
• I am connected with my authentic self.
• I express myself confidently.
• I hear my intuition and inner wisdom, and I listen.
• I am well and worthy. 
• I know and trust my own mind.
• I easily see a person’s authentic self, and I embrace what they’re showing me.
• Now is the time to step into my power.
• I am loved, loving and lovable.
• I can do hard things.
• I am here, I am alive, I am grateful, I am ready.
• I like myself.
• I am and always have been worthy. 

Affirmations for Improving Self-trust (Affirmations to help deal with the effects of gaslighting)

• I love myself unconditionally.
• I let go of the need for others to validate me.
• I listen when my heart talks to me.
• I know and trust my own mind.
• I love myself unconditionally.
• I reaffirm for myself that I am on the right path.
• I embrace my new life even when it makes others uncomfortable.
• The past is over. I happily focus on the present moment, feeling empowered.
• I hear, affirm, comfort, and validate my inner child.
• I listen to my wise higher self.
• I use my voice, speak my truth, and enjoy feelings of personal power.
• I have strong intuition, and I trust it even if I don’t like what it tells me.
• When I see red flags occurring in people or relationships, I pay attention to them and respond accordingly.
• I ask for clarification when I am confused.
• I attract mentally and emotionally stable people.
• I attract kind and caring people.
• My life gets better every day.
• When I slip up, I forgive myself and get back on track immediately.
• I trust my mind.
• I trust my decisions.
• My self-talk is strictly positive.
• I trust my senses of sight, hearing, smell, taste, and touch.
• I know which responsibilities are mine and which are not.
• I balance my empathy for others with personal boundaries and self-care.
• I am whole.
• I am grateful for my ongoing personal development.
• I can, and I will.
• I am in control of what I think and how I feel.
• I am in control of my triggers. 
• I am loving, intelligent, and creative, and I make positive changes in my life.
• I am a survivor and healed warrior. 
• Today I give myself the freedom to make an error and know that it does not affect my worth as a human being.
• I release old habits and practice new ones.
• I am excitedly hopeful. Healing is possible.
• I am connected with my authentic self.
• I express myself confidently.

Affirmations for C-PTSD Triggers (Affirmations to help deal with highly sensitive, reactive emotions activated by our environment or someone’s behavior or words.)

• I hear, affirm, comfort, and validate my inner child.
• I have confidence in myself.
• I release past hurts into the universe.
• I let go of the need for others to validate me.
• I listen when my heart talks to me.
• My boundaries are a form of self-love.
• This is stressful, so I take extra good care of myself today.
• I make healthy choices for myself.
• I stay in the present and focus on one day at a time.
• I am naturally relaxed and confident.
• I am safe and secure.
• I am emotionally and physically strong.
• I take time for myself to rest, relax, unplug or do something that I enjoy.
• I allow peace into my life.
• I use my voice to protect myself.
• I effectively communicate my needs and desires.
• I make a positive difference in the world.
• I love who I am, and I love my potential.
• I release my wounds to my higher power.
• I accept that others love the best they can and may be limited in their ability to express love.
• I honor and respect myself.
• I face my problems with courage and trust.
• I allow myself to be childlike.
• I clearly state my expectations.
• My voice empowers me.
• I am centered and focused.
• I am capable and can easily handle anything that comes my way.
• I am unaffected by the desires of others.
• I embrace my inner child.
• I trust my inner voice.
• Other’s words have no power over me.
• I heal more every day.
• I am in control of my thoughts and actions.
• I am in control of what I think and how I feel.
• I am in control of my triggers. 
• I am loved, loving and lovable.
• I can do hard things.
• I am here, I am alive, I am grateful, I am ready.

Tools:

Learn about dyfunctional family roles

Understand the Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse

Learn about setting boundaries 

Learn about codependency and maladaptive coping skills

Learn about Narcissism Awareness Grief

Let go of what you can’t control using loving-detachment

Learn about expectations

Conscious awareness:  Be aware and make conscious choices before acting. Self-awareness releases us from making impulsive and potentially damaging decisions.

Self-care: We are in control of ourselves and no one is responsible for us but us. We can only choose to focus on and be responsible for ourselves, our own thoughts, actions, and behavior. We can change ourselves with patience, persistence, and practice. When we take responsibility for getting our needs met, instead of waiting for someone to change or meet our needs for us, we are healing.

Lemon Moms: Resources to guide you in healing from childhood trauma, abuse or neglect. Available on Amazon and wherever books are sold. (Kindle, Audiobook and paperback format.)

About the author

Diane’s books and articles are compilations resulting from her education, knowledge, and personal experience regarding her childhood and adult mother/daughter experiences. As a result of growing up in a narcissistic home, and with the help of professional therapists, she developed a process of awareness, understanding, and action, creating healthy coping skills and strategies for interacting with her mother. She happily shares those tools with others who want to learn.

She is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer on the topics of domestic violence, abuse, and family dysfunction. Currently, she writes about healing from toxic relationships and recovery tools on her blog, “The Toolbox” (toolbox.dianemetcalf.com). She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and has worked in numerous fields, including domestic violence and abuse, geriatric healthcare, and developmental disabilities.

Currently, Diane lives in Nevada with her husband Kim, and her adorable pets, Abby and Simba.

This book is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

What are Affirmations?

An affirmation is a simple positive statement made in the present tense. It impacts the conscious and the subconscious minds. By believing in a particular thought and saying it regularly, you begin to attract more positivity, and higher vibrational people and things into your life.

The Law of Attraction is a viewpoint proposing that thinking positive thoughts brings about positive results, and  negative thoughts bring negative ones. The theory is based on the belief that thoughts are a form of energy. So, positive thoughts attract positive energy; positivity and success in health, finances, relationships, etc. As the “Law of Attraction” states, “like attracts like.”

“Healing” affirmations are positive statements about your well-being. They are based on the belief that your thoughts influence your physical and emotional health. The best news is that you don’t have to be sick to use healing affirmations!

Saying your affirmations to yourself is all about becoming your “authentic self.” You are more easily able to connect with your authentic self when your vibration is high. When we are not vibrating highly, unhealthy, unsupportive inner dialogue can remain our default way of life.

Positive affirmations work best when they are highly personal. They are a self-talk approach that creates a motivating outlook on life. Affirmations help you elevate your emotional vibration when you’re in a lower vibrational pattern feeling  emotions like fear, worry, anxiety, doubt, or powerlessness. Using positive affirmations is one of the quickest ways you can raise your vibration. They are a powerful tool for manifestation and can lift your attitude at the same time.

As you continue to  use your affirmations, your vibration will increase, and you’ll notice you feel lighter, happier, and more peaceful.  You’ll begin to attain your goals, fulfill your desires and attract the people and experiences you want.

How Affirmations Work

Affirmations remind us of who we are and who we want to be. They help us to create our most authentic selves and connect us with our higher selves.

The journey out of codependency means finding ourselves, discovering our true selves, our authentic selves, for the first time. When we are caught up in codependent behaviors, we don’t have an authentic self. In his book “Codependency, An Emerging Issue,” Robert Subby says that it results from household rules preventing the “open expression” of feelings. (Pompano Beach, FL, Health Communications Inc.,1984, pp. 34-44)

Listen to your intuition, and your inner voice before you begin writing affirmations. Let your inner compass direct the course of your life. What is your inner voice telling you? What do you need to work on? When we use affirmations, we honor ourselves, listening to our intuition and higher power to become our authentic selves.

Allow the journey to begin because you love yourself.

The Power of Optimism

Affirmations are written and designed to promote an optimistic mindset. Optimism is a powerful attitude! Affirmations have been shown to help reduce the tendency to dwell on negative experiences (Wiesenfeld et al., 2001.)

When we replace negative thoughts with positive statements, we create a  whole new hopeful and flexible narrative around “who we are” and what we can accomplish.

There are three main ideas underlying self-affirmation theory, and correctly written affirmations work according to this theory:

First, by using positive affirmations, we can change our self-identity. Affirmations reinforce our newly created  self-narrative; that we are flexible, moral, and capable of adapting to different conditions (Cohen & Sherman, 2014.)

Instead of viewing ourselves in a “fixed” or rigid way, for example, as “lazy” or “selfish,” when we are flexible, we can see ourselves as much more. We can adopt a wider range of “identities” and roles, which means we can define things like “success” differently. This means that we can view the various aspects of ourselves as positive and adapt to different situations more easily (Aronson, 1969.)

Second, self-affirmation theory maintains that self-identity is not about being exceptional, perfect, or excellent (Cohen & Sherman, 2014). Instead, to be moral, flexible, and good, we need to be competent and adequate in areas that we value  (Steele, 1988.)

Third, we maintain our self-integrity by behaving in ways that genuinely deserve acknowledgment and praise. This means that we say an affirmation because we want to live that particular personal value.

What the Research Indicates

Affirmation research focuses on how individuals adapt to information or experiences that threaten their self-image. Claude Steele, a social psychologist and emeritus professor at Stanford University, promoted self-affirmation theory in the late 1980s (Steele, C. M. 1988, Cohen, G. L., & Sherman, D. K. 2007). Today, self-affirmation theory remains well-studied throughout social psychological research (Sherman, D. K., & Cohen, G. L., McQueen, A., & Klein, W. M. 2006).

Using self-affirmations can help us cope with threats or stress and can be beneficial for improving academic performance, health, and well-being. (Cohen, G. L., & Sherman, D. K. 2014).

Self-affirmation theory has led to research in neuroscience, investigating whether we can “see” how the brain changes using imaging technology when using positive affirmations.

MRI evidence suggests that specific neural pathways increase when we speak our affirmations (Cascio et al., 2016). The “ventromedial prefrontal cortex,” involved in positive valuation and self-related information processing, becomes more active when we speak positively about our values (Falk et al., 2015; Cascio et al., 2016).

Falk and her colleagues focused on how we process information about ourselves.  They found that when we practice positive affirmations, we’re more able to perceive “otherwise-threatening information as more self-relevant and valuable” (2015: 1979). This can have several benefits.

Evidence suggests that using positive self-affirmations is beneficial. Here are  six examples from the  experiential research:

• Positive affirmations have been shown to decrease health-related stress (Sherman et al., 2009; Critcher & Dunning, 2015.)
  
  
• Positive affirmations have been used effectively in Positive Psychology Interventions (scientific tools and strategies used for increasing happiness, wellbeing, positive thinking, and emotions, (Keyes, Fredrickson, & Park, 2012.)
  
  
• Positive affirmation may help change the perception of otherwise “threatening” messages (Logel & Cohen, 2012.)
  
  
• Positive affirmation can help us set our intention to change for the better (Harris et al., 2007) and eat more fruit and vegetables (Epton & Harris, 2008.)
  
  
• Positive affirmations have been positively linked to academic achievement by lessening GPA decline in students who feel left out at college (Layous et al., 2017.)
  
  
• Positive affirmation has been demonstrated to lower stress (Koole et al., 1999; Weisenfeld et al., 2001.)

The Benefits 

As we’ve seen, positive affirmations can provide health benefits by helping us to respond in a less defensive or resistant way when we perceive real or imagined threats. One study found that when using affirmations,  smokers responded less dismissively to graphic cigarette packet warnings and conveyed the intention to change their behavior (Harris et al., 2007).

But more generally, using affirmations allows us to create an adaptive, broader self-concept, making us more resilient to life’s struggles. Whether it’s social pressure, health, or healing our trauma, a broader self-concept is an extremely helpful tool.

Mindfulness

When implementing any change,  to be successful, you must be aware of the change you want to make throughout the day, every day. You must intentionally commit to making the change daily. We’ll talk more about intentions and intentionality later.

What do you want to change about yourself? Do you have characteristics that you criticize, judge, and scorn? Maybe you have habits or perceived shortcomings that you’d like to give up?  Is there an aspect of your life that you want to develop? Your answers to questions like these can give you ideas about the kind of positive affirmations you could use.

Thoughts Become Things

Our subconscious minds accept repeated affirmations as truth, even when the affirmations are negative. Become aware of your negative thoughts.

We want to use positive affirmations to change the way we think. If they’re created with a high vibrational frequency, we are more able to attract the things we’ve always wanted but believed we couldn’t have.

But if you don’t write your affirmations correctly, it can be a absolute waste of time. The key to writing successful affirmations to achieve the life you want, is to be confident that what you are saying will actually happen. 

When you’ve learned how to write and use affirmations correctly, you can start manifesting your goals. It  takes some practice and a bit of trial and error to figure out what works.

Short, Clear, Concrete, Positive and Present Tense

Affirmations that work the best are short, clear, concrete, positive  and in the present tense.

Use only a few words in your affirmations to make them easier to remember. To accomplish this, begin with a  short phrase like:

I am…

I easily…

I joyfully…

I clearly see, hear, do…

I excitedly…

I look forward with joy to…

I look forward to the opportunity that______provides for______.

Your affirmations should be authentic, meaning that they feel doable and true. Our quantum self (our “self” at the molecular level) recognizes the truth contained within our affirmations.

The above affirmational statements are concrete. They  are solid, assertive, for a reason.  If you use words like “I feel,” it implies that your affirmation is temporary, because feelings are temporary. Do you ever feel confident when you wear a certain item of clothing? What happens when you take it off? Do you see what I mean? The feeling of confidence may decrease or disappear altogether. When you say “I am,” it implies that it’s permanent, no matter the time, place, or situation. It says that you OWN IT.

Know What You Want

What is it that you want to achieve? What do you want to change about yourself?

Ask yourself questions to find a concrete answer to include in your affirmations. For instance:

“How can I _______________?” vs.  “I can’t because ___________. “

Do you see the difference between these two approaches? Asking questions prompts your mind to start looking for concrete answers, consciously and unconsciously.  Asking questions opens up possibilities. When you tell yourself you can’t, it stops your mind from considering solutions. It prevents new ideas from forming. You can see how this would not be a good approach for trying to change your thoughts, beliefs and mind-set. So ask the questions and write your answers. Write the first thing that comes to mind without censoring or editing. I recommend this because the first answer often comes from our higher self or intuition, and is the purest, and often most concrete form of your answer.

Think about  the goals you want to achieve, then write short statements that resonate with you.

Write them  as if the desired outcome has already happened.

For more information on how to use Healing Affirmations to heal emotional abuse, read book #3 in the Lemon Moms Series, Life-Altering Affirmations: Change Your Self-talk, Change YourSELF, available on Amazon and wherever books are sold.

More tools for healing:

Learn to set boundaries 

Learn about dysfunctional family roles

Understand trauma bonds

Learn about codependency and maladaptive coping skills

Understand the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle

More resources for healing from childhood trauma, abuse or neglect:

Books by Diane Metcalf-Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism, the Lemon Moms Companion Workbook, and Lemon Moms: Life Altering Affirmations, Change Your Self-talk, Change YourSELF. Available on Amazon and wherever books are sold. (Kindle, paperback, audiobook.)

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About the author

As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf has developed strong coping skills and healing strategies. She happily shares those insights with others who want to learn and recover. 

Her books and articles are the results of her education, knowledge, and personal insight regarding her own abusive experiences and subsequent recovery work. She is no longer a practicing Social Worker, Counselor, Program Manager or Advocate, nor is she or has she ever been a licensed psychologist.

Diane is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer on the topics of domestic violence, abuse, and family dysfunction. Currently, she writes about toxic relationships and recovery tools. Diane holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and has worked in numerous fields, including domestic violence and abuse. She also holds a Master of Science degree in Information Technology.

Currently, Diane runs her own website design company, Image and Aspect, and writes articles and tutorials for Tips and Snips, her inspirational blog for creative people. She continues to learn and write about emotional healing and has authored three books in the “Lemon Moms” series. Visit her author’s website here.

This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.