This month we’re talking about narcissistic lying. Here’s the thing: narcissists lie. A lot. It’s part of their nature. But did you know that all human beings lie? Our reasons for lying and the types of lies we tell are based on various grounds. The fundamental difference is motivation.
Self-serving Lies
We may tell self-serving lies (aka “egocentric lies”) to enhance our feeling of well-being, to achieve a goal, to avoid disappointing someone, or to avoid potential humiliation. Have you ever told a self-serving lie? Here’s an example: you offered to make a homemade veggie dip for tomorrow’s office meeting. But you didn’t have time to make it, so you wake early and go to the grocery to pick one up from the deli. You put it in a dish and add it to the table’s offerings. When you receive compliments, it feels good! So you don’t divulge that the dip was store-bought (Neal 2017).
We may tell kindhearted lies (aka “face-saving” or pro-social lies) to prevent someone’s feelings from getting hurt, to save a relationship, or to keep ourselves from losing status. We tell kindhearted lies because we feel empathy or because we care about the person we’re lying to. Sometimes we want to look like we care more about something than we really do, and so we tell a kindhearted lie.
Have you ever told a kindhearted lie to avoid hurting someone or to seem more interested in someone or something than you actually were? Same.
Narcissistic Lies
The current theory about narcissistic lying is that all narcissistic behaviors, including lying, are unconsciously motivated by shame and driven by previous narcissistic injuries.
Lying is central to a narcissist’s identity, but because all of their experiences are filtered through previous narcissistic injuries, they’ll view their lie as “The Truth.” In his book “The Narcissist You Know,” Dr. Joseph Burgo says about the narcissist, “He doesn’t see himself as a liar but rather as an embattled defender of the ‘truth’ as he has come to see it” (Burgo 2016).
Narcissistic behaviors, including lying, are unconsciously motivated by shame and driven by previous narcissistic injuries.
A narcissist’s lies are a combination of their character traits and life experiences, so there’s usually a small “kernel” of truth in each lie. It’ll be difficult and confusing for you to try to find that kernel, but your intuition will tell you it’s there. In their story, in addition to lying, they’ll also exaggerate any information that makes them look “good,” and they’ll just as easily minimize information that has the potential to make them look “bad.”
Because narcissists must believe that they’re always correct and never make mistakes, they often have difficulty knowing the difference between lies and the truth. It makes absolute sense if you remember that a narcissist’s entire life is a lie because of their false face. They carry grandiose beliefs about their false selves, and they need validation and affirmation to hold onto those beliefs. The false self keeps the narcissist feeling superior, and that’s essential to avoiding narcissistic injuries. They see anything that threatens their superiority as an attack and will respond as such.
Narcissists need to lie to keep the false face intact, and they need and expect us to believe those lies, or there will be hell to pay. Usually in the form ofnarcissistic rages or silent treatments.
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Practice conscious awareness: Self-awareness releases us from making impulsive and potentially damaging decisions.
Practice Ferocious Self-care: We take responsibility for getting our needs met instead of waiting for someone to change or to meet our needs for us. We are in control of ourselves. No one is responsible for us but us.
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I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self, Workbook and Journal, by Diane Metcalf
A step-by-step method to learn how to write the highest vibrating, most powerful affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things.
As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping and healing strategies. She happily shares those with those who want to learn and grow in their own recovery journies.
Diane is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer on narcissism, family dysfunction, and abuse. She draws from her personal childhood experiences, as well as her work in human service fields like domestic violence and partner abuse. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.
Her transformational books about healing and moving forward include the highly praised “Lemon Moms” series. This emotionally supportive collection explains narcissistic traits and teaches how to reconcile past hurts to begin self-nurturing, healing, and moving forward.
Cognitive dissonance is a type of mental stress that results from struggling to correct that surreal feeling between what we know to be real, and what we are told is real. It is the component of gaslighting that is the biggest cause of C-PTSD. Cognitive dissonance is the confusion and mental discomfort you experience when you live with contradictory beliefs, ideas, or values. It indicates a state of living with continually opposing or conflicting viewpoints, beliefs, or behaviors. It’s usually the result of manipulation, and specifically of gaslighting. To restore emotional balance, the affected person must change (or remove) the inconsistencies and conflicts. Most of us do this on an ongoing basis, without conscious awareness.
If you grew up in a narcissistic home you’ve probably experienced cognitive dissonance and have felt the resulting and ongoing confusion. Human beings weren’t meant to continually live in a state of confusion. Not knowing what to believe, what to expect, and not being able to trust our feelings, judgment, or senses is overwhelming and painful. Our natural state of “being” requires that our thoughts and interactions make sense because we need stability and security to be emotionally healthy and balanced. When we feel doubtful of our reality, or are so fearful of making a decision that we’re emotionally paralyzed, it may be the result of cognitive dissonance.
Although it doesn’t sound like it, some types of cognitive dissonance can be healthy. For example, guilt is a positive and healthy form of cognitive dissonance. Guilt allows us to see the discrepancy between “this is who I say I am, but this is what I did.” We feel guilty when “who we are” and “what we did” are not aligned. This misalignment causes us to feel empathy for the person we wronged. For example, if I believe I’m a gentle, kind, and loving person, and I make a cruel remark to someone, my perception of “who I am” no longer matches “what I did.” A gentle, kind, and loving person would not say mean things. I would be motivated by guilt to apologize to the person I hurt. The cognitive dissonance provided by our guilt drives us to atone for our actions, which is a positive thing.
Cognitive dissonance has a dark side, and it’s harmful
When we’re gaslighted regularly, our level of cognitive dissonance grows, and the more out-of-touch we feel. We’re unsure of what’s real and what’s not, what’s true and what’s not, and we don’t know whether to believe our senses or only to accept what we’re told.
We all tell ourselves stories. It’s how we make sense of ourselves and our world. Our egos translate our experiences so that they make sense, but doing so while in a state of cognitive dissonance can keep us stuck. To get unstuck, we might choose to accept the best explanation that we can come up with, regardless of whether it’s accurate.For example, think about the possible explanations that a six-year-old might create, versus a twenty-year-old or a thirty-five-year-old. Youth and immaturity work against us when we’re gaslighted as kids. We’re not experienced or knowledgeable enough to imagine plausible and realistic explanations. At ten, if my best friend doesn’t reach out, I might think it’s because she doesn’t like me anymore. But at thirty, if I haven’t heard from my friend, I might think it’s because she’s busy with life, working, prioritizing self-care, etc. I can choose any number of explanations, and they’ll align with my current self-concept.
Now, if I formed the belief in childhood that I’m unlovable, and I carried that belief with me into adulthood, my interpretation of others’ behavior will reflect that belief. If I have strong self-esteem, then my interpretation will reflect that. We interpret our reality using these emotional “filters.” It’s important to remember this because our filters can and do change. Our perceptions and interpretations also continually change and develop as we mature physically, intellectually, socially, spiritually, and emotionally.
Remember that “beliefs” are thoughts that have emotions attached to them. Eliminating inaccurate beliefs is a primary key to healing. What thoughts and feelings are still connected to your childhood beliefs? For example, if you were told as a child that you were not smart, then as an adult you may still believe it. You may never have examined that belief to determine if it was really true. Instead, you probably accepted and internalized it as truth and took it with you into adulthood. Now as an adult, you can examine it objectively. Make a list of the feelings, thoughts, and actions that come with that belief and write about them at length. Is the belief still relevant today? Why or why not? Explain. It’s helpful to learn about therapeutic approaches like Tapping (Emotional Freedom Technique,) Neurolinguistic Programming, and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy which can eliminate faulty beliefs and help create healthy new ones. Take time to investigate other methods of changing beliefs. We acquired our beliefs as children. As adults, we get to replace them with ones that serve us.
Cognitive dissonance is one of the most challenging aspects of healing. Because of gaslighting, we’ve learned to disregard or mistrust our perceptions, judgment, and memory. We may have learned to trust and accept someone else’s interpretation of the world and events and we may now rely on their interpretations, judgment, and perceptions instead of our own.
When you were gaslighted as a child, you probably also received unexpected or inappropriate responses. Your response to the gaslighting may have been determined to be incorrect, unreasonable, or shameful. You may have wondered why you received strange looks causing you to question your actions and words. Now, as an adult, you may be fearful for your mental health, and you’re concerned that you may be losing your mind. You may accept that you’re the illogical one or that you’re mentally ill. Gaslighting often leads to depression, anxiety, helplessness, hopelessness, or exhaustion. If it’s severe, you may feel like your sense of self is “fuzzy” and “reality” feels dreamlike. You probably can’t think clearly and have trouble with problem-solving and making decisions. This is more cognitive dissonance as a result of gaslighting.
I’d often get confused, stressed, and frustrated when my mother denied doing or saying something I’d witnessed. I’d ask, “You’re saying that I didn’t see what I know I just saw?” And she’d reply in an exasperated or dismayed tone of voice, “You dreamt it,” “You imagined it,” or “So-and-so did that, not me.” It shouldn’t surprise you that I grew up to continue that tradition. I excelled at self-gaslighting. When you convince yourself that you didn’t just hear what you know you heard or that you didn’t just see what you know you saw….you are self-gaslighting. We do it to protect ourselves from further trauma.
Self gaslighting
For those of us who’ve experienced gaslighting as children, it likely caused harmful cognitive dissonance and reduced us into confused, uncertain, dependent shadows of our true selves. It robbed us of our ability to think logically, make decisions easily, use sound judgment, and recall accurately. Instead, we doubt ourselves, always second-guessing our thoughts, emotions, and decisions. I believe that gaslighting is the most harmful and destructive form of manipulation because it undermines our whole sense of self and crumbles our stability.
Self-gaslighting also contributes to cognitive dissonance. When we tell ourselves that someone’s actions or behavior was our fault, we’re self-gaslighting. We may convince ourselves that we somehow provoked their hurtful behavior, or we take responsibility for the things they did to hurt us. When we self-gaslight, we not only accept blame, we intentionally place it on ourselves. We lie to ourselves and then spend precious emotional energy, convincing ourselves that we’re not. It’s exhausting. Throughout your healing process, remind yourself not to do that anymore. Be honest with yourself now. Stand up for yourself and become your own advocate. If you won’t, then who will? Tell yourself the truth and stop accepting gaslighting from anybody, including yourself, period. Practice mindfulness to become aware that you’re doing it and stop every time.
Humans have a natural need for their attitudes, beliefs, and behaviors to co-exist peacefully with each other. This is called “cognitive consistency.” Living in a state of cognitive consistency means that we feel stable, relaxed, and secure. For example, if I believe I’m an honest person, and I act accordingly, it means I’ll tell the truth even when it’s uncomfortable or it gets me into trouble. Doing so means I’ll maintain my integrity and my cognitive consistency.
How cognitive dissonance is resolved
Most of us consciously or unconsciously resolve cognitive dissonance by doing one of these three things:
Change our thoughts: Choosing this option means you change your thoughts and beliefs to match those of your narcissistic mom. For example, you accept your mother’s perspective that you lack common sense, rather than continue believing that you have sound judgment. Now you agree with your mother, which eliminates the emotional conflict and cognitive dissonance.
Change our actions: With this approach, you change your behavior, so it matches your beliefs about yourself. Using the above example, you find ways to demonstrate that you actually have sound judgment and common sense. Your actions now match your mindset, eliminating the emotional conflict and cognitive dissonance.
Justify our perceptions: You really do lack common sense and sound judgment, and you rationalize this by minimizing their value and significance. In essence, you trivialize your lack of common sense and sound judgment to eliminate the emotional conflict and cognitive dissonance.
Resolving cognitive dissonance isn’t always done on a conscious level, although we may be aware that we have choices to make. At some point, we’ll use one of the three methods to keep our sanity intact.
Eliminating cognitive dissonance isn’t a “one-and-done” thing. Typically, and speaking from my own experience, we play around with the three possibilities for resolution, trying them on and seeing how they fit and feel. Eventually, we settle on one that suits us best and causes us the least mental and emotional stress.
Because my mother liked to overwrite my perceptions and memories with her own, I heard a lot of, “I never said that,” “You imagined it,” “You dreamt it,” or “It wasn’t me.” I was in a continual state of self-doubt and confusion from her insistence that I perceived and remembered events inaccurately. My ability to make decisions and to trust my own senses was severely negatively impacted. I eventually came to believe that the discrepancies between my own observations and those of my mother were flaws in my memory and perception. I became obsessed with explaining the disparities between what I observed and what I was told I observed. I remained in a state of cognitive dissonance throughout my childhood. If you can relate, I urge you to start your healing journey now and recover from the resulting cognitive dissonance.
Tools for Healing
Conscious awareness: Be aware and make conscious choices before acting. Self-awareness releases us from making impulsive and potentially damaging decisions.
Self-care: We can only choose to focus on and be responsible for ourselves, our own thoughts, actions, and behavior. The good news is that we can change ourselves with patience, persistence, and practice. We can take responsibility for getting our needs met instead of waiting for someone to change or meet our needs for us. We are in control of ourselves, and no one is responsible for us but us.
Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.
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I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self, Workbook and Journal, by Diane Metcalf
A step-by-step method to learn how to write the highest vibrating, most powerful affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things.
As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping and healing strategies. She happily shares those with those who want to learn and grow in their own recovery journies.
Diane is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer on narcissism, family dysfunction, and abuse. She draws from her personal childhood experiences, as well as her work in human service fields like domestic violence and partner abuse. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.
Her transformational books about healing and moving forward include the highly praised “Lemon Moms” series. This emotionally supportive collection explains narcissistic traits and teaches how to reconcile past hurts to begin self-nurturing, healing, and moving forward.
I think the hardest thing to understand for those who haven’t experienced maternal narcissism is that narcissistic parents don’t see their children as individuals. A narcissistic mother doesn’t see her children as independently functioning human beings who have their own thoughts and feelings. She doesn’t see their individual personalities or acknowledge their goals.
A narcissistic mother sees her kids as extensions of herself. Because of that, to her, everything the kids do and say reflects on her. She makes everything about her. The kids are simply satellites who learn at a very young age that they’re expected to contribute positively to their mother’s image. They understand that every decision and every action they take must happen within those parameters, or there will be ugly consequences.
When a narcissistic mother doesn’t like aspects of her personality, she emotionally separates herself from those qualities and then projects those unacceptable traits onto one of her children. She will then mistreat that child for “having” those qualities. When she does this, she’s using a defense mechanism known as projection, which is what occurs when we attribute a trait that we dislike in ourselves as being another person’s, not our own (Brenner 2019). The mother now has reason to blame the child for anything she thinks, does, or says that she finds objectionable within herself, but is unwilling to admit or change.
“Even perceived rejection activates the brain’s pain centers.”
Scapegoating
When a narcissistic mom uses projection to protect her ego from her unlikeable qualities, there is a risk of neglect, maltreatment, abuse, blame, shame, or even physical violence to the children as a result. She’ll play a game of “whose fault is it? I know it’s not mine” (Brenner et al. 2018). Because narcissistic mothers are so controlling, they need to have reasons that explain undesirable happenings, and they insist on having a person to hold accountable. This phenomenon is known as scapegoating. The scapegoating practice happens in dysfunctional families, with the role of the scapegoat being either temporary or permanent. The scapegoat is the fall guy, the person who gets blamed for offenses and injustices that happen to anyone in the family. Family members, except for the narcissistic mom, often take turns playing the scapegoat role, and at any given time, the mom determines who the scapegoat is.
Tactics like scapegoating are all attempts of the mother to maintain control. When a narcissistic mom feels like she’s losing control over her kids, she will often lash out in vengeful ways, subtly or with direct hostility. Narcissistic mothers are highly reactive to any threat or challenge to their power. They have a sense of entitlement, ownership, and possession of their kids.
Manipulative Tactics
There is a multitude of ways that a narcissistic mother can emotionally injure her children. I believe these behaviors are the result of other, often unrelated issues, such as:
1. She’s not articulate or doesn’t have a strong vocabulary, so she’s not able to accurately express or describe what she’s thinking or feeling.
2. She doesn’t know how to identify her emotions.
3. She hasn’t had an emotionally healthy upbringing, or she hasn’t witnessed emotionally healthy relationships.
4. She’s emotionally immature and can’t regulate her emotions.
5. She hasn’t personally experienced or learned strong parenting skills.
Narcissistic mothers manipulate and control their children in a variety of ways:
Withholding affection, affirmation, validation, attention, encouragement, praise, and other self-esteem building behaviors
Exhibiting intense and scary displays of emotion and drama (“narcissistic rages”)
Verbally abusing them with insults, criticism, and name-calling
Threatening violence (may or may not be carried out)
Maintaining a victim mentality
Rejection
Lying
Giving the “silent treatment” as a form of punishment
Exercising a “selective memory”
Gaslighting to control perceptions and memories
I’m personally familiar with all of these tactics. Gaslighting is the one that harmed me the most. It’s an extremely emotionally and mentally destructive form of manipulation.
Even though most of the above-listed behaviors are not physically hurtful, each one can activate the pain centers in the human brain. Research in the field of neuroscience shows us that even perceived rejection activates the area of the brain where pain is felt (Eisenberger et al. 2004). The point is that verbal abuse, threats, rejection, and other forms of emotional mistreatment do hurt us.
Could you be feeling the effects of Narcissism Awareness Grief? Download thefree chapter to find out:
Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.
Private Facebook group included for members only.
Get the TOOLBOX APP
for instant information, support, and validation!
I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self, Workbook and Journal, by Diane Metcalf
A step-by-step method to learn how to write the highest vibrating, most powerful affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things.
As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping and healing strategies. She happily shares those with those who want to learn and grow in their own recovery journies.
Diane is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer on narcissism, family dysfunction, and abuse. She draws from her personal childhood experiences, as well as her work in human service fields like domestic violence and partner abuse. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.
Her transformational books about healing and moving forward include the highly praised “Lemon Moms” series. This emotionally supportive collection explains narcissistic traits and teaches how to reconcile past hurts to begin self-nurturing, healing, and moving forward.
Narcissism is a personality disorder that’s diagnosed by qualified mental health practitioners. Narcissism often begins in childhood, and it occurs along a spectrum, meaning that for each individual, there are more and less severe forms of the disorder.
A study done in 2015, Narcissistic Personality Disorder: Diagnostic and Clinical Challenges, found that Grandiose and Vulnerable narcissism are the two main types of narcissism (Caligor, Levy, and Yeomans 2015). Each of these two types has its own set of traits and characteristics, and each has its own way of protecting its false self.
There are two subcategories of these types which distinguish how grandiose and vulnerable narcissists get their emotional and egotistical needs met, or in other words, get their narcissistic supply. These are the overt and covert subtypes of NPD (Milstead 2018).
Let’s take a look at each of these types and subtypes, and because I write about Maternal Narcissism, we’ll look specifically at how they present in narcissistic mothers.
“Grandiose” narcissism is the textbook type of narcissism that comes to mind when most people hear the term “narcissism.” It’s also known as high-functioning, exhibitionist, or classic narcissism. These narcissists are extroverted, dominant, and always seem to be pursuing power and prestige. They believe that they’re a step above everyone else, that they’re smarter, better-looking, and more powerful. Grandiose narcissists brag about themselves and will put down others as a way to raise their feelings of self-importance. They’re often rude, insensitive, and even cruel. They ignore, are unaware of, or don’t care about how their behavior affects others.
In the case of narcissistic mothers, they view their children as extensions of themselves rather than as people in their own right with thoughts, feelings, perceptions, goals, ideas, dreams, and desires of their own. For narcissistic moms, children are a means for obtaining admiration and validation. As we’ve seen, the false face behaves socially acceptably and imitates empathy. This makes narcissistic moms highly emotionally invested in perpetuating their false face. Keeping the false face frontward makes a narcissistic mother appear to be kind, compassionate, and empathetic. Her children will always be a means of gratifying and escalating this false self.
Vulnerable narcissism is the other type. These narcissists are also known as fragile, compensatory, self-effacing, or closet narcissists. They have the same characteristics as a grandiose narcissist, except they would rather stay behind the scenes instead of being in the spotlight.
Because they prefer to stay away from attention, they’re harder to recognize. They can go a long time before being discovered to be a narcissist. They’re often quiet, shy, or reserved, but they’re still emotionally demanding and draining for others to be around. Like grandiose narcissists, they feel entitled, but they’re also insecure. They can be generous with their time or money as a way of getting compliments, affirmation, or praise, but because of their self-doubt, they would rather associate with people whom they idealize. They choose to attach to talented, famous, or influential individuals to satisfy their need to feel special.
Like grandiose narcissists, vulnerable narcissists believe they’re faultless, and they get irritated when others fail to see their perfection. Their lives revolve around the task of convincing everyone of their greatness. They often present themselves as victims, regardless of the circumstances. They enjoy playing the victim role (I call it being a “poor me”) to get attention in the form of sympathy or pity.
Vulnerable narcissists are prone to depression, mainly because they think that their life doesn’t align with their ideas of what it should be or what they’re entitled to. This inconsistency may cause them to act impulsively without considering the consequences. For example, they may abruptly quit their job before finding another because the work or their coworkers or supervisors don’t match their expectations or fantasies.
Narcissism “subtypes” describe the method that grandiose or vulnerable narcissists use to get their emotional and egotistical needs met, known as “narcissistic supply.” If the way of getting their narcissistic supply is easy to spot, the individual is probably an overt narcissist.
While all narcissists will brag, take advantage of people, and speak negatively about others to make themselves look superior, overt narcissists will do these things in distinct, very noticeable ways. For example, overt narcissists attract attention to themselves directly in ways such as over-dressing, or dressing provocatively, talking too loudly, wearing attention-getting makeup, hairstyles, or accessories, or driving conspicuous vehicles. They require admiration, and if they don’t get it, they react with rage, ridicule, mockery, or humiliation. They like to use charm and flattery so people will like them although they’re arrogant, proud, and view others as insignificant or as competitors to conquer. They feel entitled and expect special treatment.
Covert narcissism, on the other hand, is subtle, and it can be tricky to identify. Covert narcissists are more cautious and reserved in the ways they get their supply.
If we find ourselves denying, minimizing, or making excuses for someone’s behavior, that’s a red flag. If you start feeling like a detective on the lookout for reasons to explain someone’s behavior, pay attention to that. They could be a covert narcissist.
Because of the reserved way that covert narcissists get their supply, it’s understandable that covert narcissistic moms get their supply mainly from their children. It’s about how her children make her appear as a mother. Whatever you do to make her look good in front of others is a form of supply for her. If you give her a gift, she’ll brag about it because receiving a gift from her child makes her appear to be a well-loved mother. When she gives you gifts, though, there are always “strings” attached. She can’t give for the sake of giving. She expects something in return, in the form of loyalty, emotional caretaking, secret-keeping, or admiration.
Taking care of her needs will be number one on her priority list, and her children’s needs will be further down. If you question her, she’ll assume you’re challenging her, and she’ll become defensive, maybe violent. She doesn’t respect your boundaries or your privacy. She’s totally at ease going into your personal space, looking in your purse, reading your diary, listening to your phone conversations, reading private mail and documents, and sharing your personal and private information with others. Because of this, you’ll feel a sense of shame in multiple areas, but you won’t realize that these behaviors are its source.
If your mom is a covert narcissist, you may sense that something isn’t “right” in your relationship, but you can’t quite “put your finger on it.” It could be the way she expresses herself, or that things she does or says confuse you. Sensing that something’s not adding up, but not being able to identify what it is can stir up feelings of anxiety and the desire to avoid her. If your mom is a narcissist, it can feel like she’s sucking the life right out of us; we may feel exhausted after spending time with her, and we don’t understand the reasons why.
As kids, if mom is a covert narcissist, we can’t exactly avoid her, so we’re likely to become hyperaware of her moods and behaviors instead. Our intuition, our gut feelings, alert us when something’s going on that we don’t comprehend. We know we need to be careful, and we may be sensing danger.
If your mother is a covert narcissist, your sense of self-preservation will more than likely intensify over time, causing you to become exceptionally alert and aware of your mother’s behavior. You might have ongoing feelings of uneasiness when you’re with her; it may feel like you’re not entirely emotionally or physically safe. Those of us who are children of covert narcissists may have started feeling distrustful of our mothers without having a concrete reason, and this can make us question our judgment. That’s the last thing we should do!
If there is no professional diagnosis, it doesn’t mean we imagine the problem or that something’s wrong with our perception. We’re sensing something that we can’t physically see or explain, but it’s still authentic. Our intuition is real. When it alerts us, we need to pay attention.
Covert narcissist traits make it difficult for others to see anything “wrong” with mom. Most of the time, there’s nothing concrete to point to. Sure, we have lots of examples of her strange and confusing behavior, and we can speak at length about her unusual way of thinking, perceiving, or expressing herself, including that she’s either the victim or the hero in any scenario. Without a broader context or the experience of living with her, it’s difficult for others to see that there’s something fundamentally inappropriate going on. The biggest reasons for going undetected as a narcissist, I think, are the use of the false public self combined with subtle forms of manipulation and mind games like gaslighting and triangulation. All of these make it very hard for others, who only see her false face, to recognize her as a narcissist.
A covert narcissist mother tends to employ passive-aggressive behavior: for example, sulking, giving backhanded compliments, using procrastination and withdrawal to avoid interaction or activity, and refusing to talk (Cherry 2019). They enjoy guilt-tripping and pushing responsibilities on us that aren’t ours. They also like causing conflict between us and others. She uses a manipulative tactic called “triangulation”: when one person manipulates the relationship between two other people by controlling the amount and type of communication they have. She controls the narrative, which generates rivalry between the two parties and acts as a way to “divide and conquer,” playing one person against the other. My mother thoroughly enjoyed this game. She did it with me as well as cousins, aunts, and friends. A therapist once called it “stirring the pot,” and I’ve held onto that analogy.
Triangulation is toxic, but you can learn to use techniques and tools to deal with it in a whole new and healthy way. For instance, you can start speaking directly to the other person in the triangle to remove your mother’s input. Get your information directly rather than from your mother and suggest that others do the same. At the time I learned how to handle triangulation, I was decisively starting to take my personal power back. I was no longer willing to accept lies or gaslighting, and I started speaking up for myself. That was the beginning of my recovery. It’s called “setting boundaries,” and I write more about that in later chapters.
A covert narcissist-mom also likes to use “exclusionary behaviors,” such as withholding affection and attention from us or temporarily withdrawing from our lives. Then she’ll shower a specific person with copious amounts of love and attention. When she does this, it can feel like a punch in the gut, like she’s punishing us. That’s because it’s exactly what she’s doing, and it’s deliberate. It gives her a rush of power and superiority.
She has no empathy and can’t understand how we feel, but she knows that at that moment, she’s in control and has the power to hurt us. When you feel excluded, it can become a great time to practice getting in touch with your emotions by becoming self-aware and practicing mindfulness. Validate yourself by acknowledging how her behavior makes you feel. Do you notice any patterns when she’s about to make you feel like an outsider? Is there a way to halt those patterns before they start? If not, then practice getting comfortable with being an outsider. When you’re excluded, practice controlling your emotions and recognizing your triggers. Think of your triggers as little suitcases that you need to unpack and examine the contents. You’ll be surprised at what you find.
When you’re ready, you’ll begin to apply a bit of loving detachment and set some boundaries around the exclusionary behavior. (You’ll learn more about detachment and boundary-setting in later chapters.)
Narcissists don’t feel a sense of remorse or conscience. They believe that everything they do is justified or is someone else’s fault. They don’t take responsibility for their actions, which makes them unable to feel guilt. To feel guilty, it’s necessary to feel empathy and remorse.
Guilt is a positive and healthy thing. It’s a form of cognitive dissonance, a way of holding a mirror up and seeing the discrepancy between “this is who you say you are, but this is what you did.” We feel guilty when “who we are” and “what we did” are not aligned. This misalignment causes us to feel guilt and empathy for the person we wronged. For example, if I believe I’m a gentle, kind, and loving person, and I make a cruel remark to someone, my perception of “who I am” no longer matches my behavior: “what I did.” A gentle, kind, and loving person would not intentionally say mean things. I would be motivated by feelings of guilt to apologize for my conduct. The cognitive dissonance that guilt provides drives us to atone for our inappropriate actions.
Feeling guilty, remorseful, or apologetic are beyond a narcissist’s capabilities. We will never get an apology from a narcissistic mom. Instead, we’ll get a weird version of an excuse where she justifies or defends what she did, if she’s even willing to admit what she did. Or we may get the silent treatment until she feels she’s punished us sufficiently. It’s all so arbitrary, and somehow the message will always be that her actions were our fault.
With a covert narcissist mom, her needs and emotions always come first because they’re of utmost importance to her. Her children’s needs and feelings may or may not be relevant, depending on how she feels at the moment (about herself, about life, etc.). She sees everything as a competition, and nothing that has ever happened or will happen to her children could ever compare to what she has experienced. Her experiences are always more highly valued. This is known as “one-upmanship.”
When we’re around her, we’ll eventually develop an apprehension of saying or doing the wrong thing and a feeling of “walking on eggshells” or tippy-toeing around her to avoid upsetting her, making her angry, or setting her off. We live with a genuine understanding that we’re not emotionally safe with her. She hijacks everything we say or do and makes it about herself. Anything we say or do that displeases her will be remembered, brought up, and held against us in the future, and so we try to avoid confrontation of any kind.
The result of this focus is that we start to feel responsible for her feelings and actions. We become her emotional guardians and caretakers, even to the point that we allow her to isolate us from friends and family or to control whom we interact with.
We all need someone to talk to and share our problems with or bounce ideas off. Sharing with friends or family who aren’t familiar with toxic relationships, and specifically, narcissism, can frustrate or hurt us even more. Others don’t know that they’re invalidating us or discounting our experiences. They only know our mother’s false face. That’s why I repeatedly suggest talking to a neutral party, like a counselor who understands this disorder.
If your mother is a covert narcissist, you might notice discrepancies between her words and her actions, meaning that they don’t match up. This can make you feel edgy (that “walking on eggshells” feeling), and being in this state of mind heightens your fight-or-flight response. The fight-or-flight mode causes a sudden and quick hormone release that activates the body’s ability to deal with danger or threats. Adrenaline and noradrenaline are two of the hormones released during the fight-or-flight response; they increase blood pressure, heart, and breathing rate. We’ll talk more about the fight-or-flight response and what it does in later chapters. In the meantime, just know that mixed messages contribute to feelings of being on high alert, edginess, and confusion.
A narcissistic mom’s mixed messages are a type of communication where one party sends conflicting information to another, either verbally or nonverbally.
Mixed messages come in various packages:
What she says conflicts with what she previously said.
What she does conflicts with what she previously did.
What she says conflicts with what she does.
What she says conflicts with her facial expressions or body language.
An example of “words not matching facial expression/body language” would be when mom says she’s happy to see you, but she frowns, and her tone of voice is sarcastic. This would be confusing because of the conflicting information you’re getting: “happy” means that a person’s face would show joy, usually by smiling. A happy person would not frown. “Sarcasm” is used to mock or convey contempt. It’s used to inflict pain and is often described as wounding.
Do you see how these mixed messages can cause feelings of confusion? In this example, an empowering response would be: “I’m confused. You say you’re happy to see me, yet you look so ______ (angry, sad, depressed, etc.) I don’t get it. What’s going on?” This response puts the confusion back on her. It informs her that you’re aware of what she’s doing, and it sets the expectation for her to clarify her communication. It signals that you’re not going to tolerate that kind of behavior any longer. It’s empowering because you don’t have to accept the confusion or ruminate over it anymore.
An example of “words not matching actions” would be when mom brags about how caring and empathetic she is, but you haven’t seen any evidence of this. There’s a term for this behavior; it’s called virtue signaling. When a person indeed possesses a character trait, they don’t have to announce or advertise it. They simply live it, and people notice. Covert narcissists want us to believe what they tell us about themselves, instead of what we see for ourselves. I view this as another form of gaslighting.
Conscious awareness: Be aware and make conscious choices before acting. Self-awareness releases us from making impulsive and potentially damaging decisions.
Self-care: We can only choose to focus on and be responsible for ourselves, our own thoughts, actions, and behavior. The good news is that we can change ourselves with patience, persistence, and practice. We can take responsibility for getting our needs met instead of waiting for someone to change or meet our needs for us. We are in control of ourselves, and no one is responsible for us but us.
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I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self, Workbook and Journal, by Diane Metcalf
A step-by-step method to learn how to write the highest vibrating, most powerful affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things.
As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping and healing strategies. She happily shares those with those who want to learn and grow in their own recovery journies.
Diane is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer on narcissism, family dysfunction, and abuse. She draws from her personal childhood experiences, as well as her work in human service fields like domestic violence and partner abuse. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.
Her transformational books about healing and moving forward include the highly praised “Lemon Moms” series. This emotionally supportive collection explains narcissistic traits and teaches how to reconcile past hurts to begin self-nurturing, healing, and moving forward.
When I was a domestic violence counselor, we used the term “cycle of abuse” to describe the patterns of behavior that led up to and included an abusive event. As counselors, we taught women who were involved in abusive relationships to recognize these patterns and to identify which stage they were currently in. By doing this, they could create a preemptive strategy to avoid or cope with an upcoming abusive incident.
Dr. Lenore Walker proposed the “Cycle of Abuse” in 1979. After interviewing 1,500 female domestic violence survivors, she found that they all shared a similar abusive scenario and that there was a recognizable pattern to how the abusive events happened. She developed this “cycle of abuse” based on this scenario.
Four elements were present in various forms for each of the female abuse survivors:
Tension Building
Abusive Incident
Remorse
Honeymoon
The Honeymoon Period proceeds directly into Tension Building, and the cycle repeats itself uninterrupted. Every cycle shares the same four phases, but each cycle’s details differ from the previous ones. From one abuse cycle to the next, each of the four stages, as well as the cycle itself, can last different amounts of time or include behaviors that are unique from those of the last time.
The following diagram is based on Walker’s Cycle of Abuse.
(Walker, L.E.,1979)
The first phase is the “Tension Building” period. In it, the target senses growing strain in the relationship and becomes anxious, highly alert, and guarded. There is an unshakeable feeling that there will be an abusive incident soon. Hence, the target attempts to control the environment to keep the abuser happy and calm.
In phase two, the abusive incident occurs. The abuse may be physical, mental, spiritual, emotional, verbal, or financial. Examples include name-calling, gaslighting, threats, intimidation, angry outbursts, arguing, blaming, and withholding love, affection, and attention.
The third phase is the “Remorse” period. In this phase, the abuser apologizes, makes excuses, and promises that the abuse will never happen again. The target is showered with love, affection, and attention and sometimes offered gifts and tokens of affection as indicators of sorrow.
The “Honeymoon” is the fourth phase. There is a period of calm in the relationship while the abuser attempts to make the target feel loved, safe, and secure. The Honeymoon will continue for an undetermined amount of time, the length of which may change with every cycle.
This entire cycle will continuously repeat, often over years, until it is intentionally interrupted by one of the two participants. One way of interrupting the cycle is for the target to leave the relationship.
When a narcissist is involved in the cycle of abuse, it plays out differently. The “Remorse” phase is notpresent in the narcissistic abuse cycle because narcissists are unwilling to accept responsibility and would instead place the blame on their target.
Remember, narcissists need to feel superior and “right” in every situation. This, combined with their lack of empathy, means that they don’t experience feelings of remorse. Remorsefulness requires empathy, sympathy, and taking responsibility for our actions (Hammond 2018). So, the narcissistic cycle of abuse differs significantly from Walker’s cycle of abuse in this phase.
The Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse
Here is what the cycle of abuse looks like when a narcissist is the offender. This diagram is based on Christine Hammond’s “Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse.”
(Hammond, C. 2018)
How the Phases Are Different
In phase one, a Narcissistic Injury occurs. The abuser feels rejected, threatened, jealous, abandoned, disrespected, or any feeling that challenges their superiority. The target feels anxious and tries to appease and please the narcissist, much like in phase one of Walker’s Cycle of Abuse.
As in Walker’s Cycle of Abuse, phase two is also an Abusive Incident, which could be physical, mental, spiritual, emotional, verbal, or financial. Examples include name-calling, gaslighting, threats, intimidation, angry outbursts, arguing, blaming, and withholding love, affection, and attention.
Phase three is completely different in the Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse. When the cycle involves a narcissist, the roles in the Remorse stage are reversed. Now the narcissist will play the part of the abused/victim, and the target will apologize and appease. What eventually happens in the fourth phase is that narcissistic behaviors become stronger, and the abuse cycle repeats until someone intentionally breaks the cycle. To break it, the target needs to change their behavior by not accepting the role reversal. In other words, the target will no longer take the blame or accept the role of the abuser.
More Subtleties of Narcissistic Abuse: Golden, Invisible, and Scapegoat Children
As I’ve mentioned in the book “Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism,” there’s a particularly dysfunctional family dynamic in which one of the children of a narcissistic parent becomes the “idealized” parental favorite, known as the “Golden Child.” The other children will take turns being devalued and blamed, known as the “Invisible Child” and the “Scapegoat. The dysfunctional parent controls these roles.
The roles of the Golden Child, Invisible Child, and Scapegoat are flexible; any role can be assigned to any child at any time, depending on the parent’s mood. It’s a “crazy-making” situation because the toxic parent has the unchallenged power to change the entire family dynamic unpredictably. The children are caught unaware and unprepared.
The Golden Child: The Golden Child’s role is to bring positive attention to the toxic or narcissistic parent and the family. The Golden Child is the favorite and as such, may have a special status and receive more attention and praise. They’re the ones that get bragged about. They make the dysfunctional parent look good. Even so, the parent will always take some credit for their children’s accomplishments.
The Invisible Child (aka Lost Child): The role of the Invisible Child is to “stay under the radar,” to follow the rules unquestioningly, be quiet, and be easy-going. Invisible Children are often taken for granted, and their needs are neglected because they never complain or ask for anything. Invisible Children may internalize a sense of having no impact on others.
The Scapegoat: The Scapegoat’s role is to bear the blame for all of the family’s problems. They are the butt of jokes and get less of everything than the other siblings. They are seen as the problem child. Scapegoats often grow up to become the ones who speak up and challenge the dysfunction.
A sudden change in family positions is upsetting. These random role reversals affect our sense of observation, decision-making, and self-trust because we never know if the explanation we’re giving ourselves is accurate. And we’re continuously guessing our current standing within the family.
Those of us who’ve lived under those circumstances were usually on high alert, in fight-or-flight survival mode, because we had no idea when the next attack or role reversal would happen. It meant we were continuously producing stress hormones like adrenaline and cortisol, so it was a common occurrence to feel confused or experience scattered thinking.
Living under these circumstances can result in destroying a child’s self-esteem and cause them to feel unnecessary fear and shame.
Could you be feeling the effects of Narcissism Awareness Grief? Download thefree chapter to find out:
Self-care: We can only choose to focus on and be responsible for ourselves, our own thoughts, actions, and behavior. We can take responsibility for getting our needs met instead of waiting for someone to change or meet our needs for us. We are in control of ourselves, and no one is responsible for us but us. We can change ourselves with patience, persistence, and practice.
Conscious awareness: Be aware and make conscious choices before acting. Self-awareness releases us from making impulsive and potentially damaging decisions. Practice mindfulness.
Learn about letting go of what you can’t control by using positive-detachment
More Resources You May Like:
Join the Free Email Survival Course:
Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.
Private Facebook group included for members only.
Get the TOOLBOX APP
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I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self, Workbook and Journal, by Diane Metcalf
A step-by-step method to learn how to write the highest vibrating, most powerful affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things.
As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping and healing strategies. She happily shares those with those who want to learn and grow in their own recovery journies.
Diane is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer on narcissism, family dysfunction, and abuse. She draws from her personal childhood experiences, as well as her work in human service fields like domestic violence and partner abuse. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.
Her transformational books about healing and moving forward include the highly praised “Lemon Moms” series. This emotionally supportive collection explains narcissistic traits and teaches how to reconcile past hurts to begin self-nurturing, healing, and moving forward.
Growing up in a narcissist home means that we’ve probably felt the resulting and ongoing confusion. We humans can’t continually live in a state of confusion. Not knowing what to believe, what to expect, and not able to trust our feelings, judgment, or senses is overwhelming and harmful. Our natural state of “being” requires that our thoughts and interactions make sense to us because we need stability and security to be emotionally healthy and balanced. When we feel doubtful of our reality, or are so fearful of making a decision, that we’re emotionally paralyzed, it may be the result of cognitive dissonance.
Cognitive dissonance is a type of mental stress that results from struggling to correct that “surreal-feeling” gap between what we know to be real because we’ve experienced it with our senses and what we are told to believe is real. It is the crazy-making component of gaslighting and the biggest cause of C-PTSD.
When you’re emotionally in the middle of dealing with continual conflicting beliefs, memories, thoughts, ideas, or values, you’re experiencing the confusion and mental discomfort known as cognitive dissonance. Cognitive dissonance indicates a state of existing in a set of continually opposing or conflicting viewpoints, beliefs, or behaviors. It’s the result of manipulation, specifically of gaslighting. To restore their emotional balance, the afflicted person must change or remove the inconsistencies or conflicts. This is done on an ongoing basis.
Although it doesn’t sound like it, cognitive dissonance can be healthy. For example, guilt is a positive and healthy form of cognitive dissonance. Guilt allows us to see the discrepancy between “this is who I say I am, but this is what I did.” We feel guilty when “who we are” and “what we did” are not aligned. This misalignment causes us to feel empathy for the person we wronged. For example, if I believe I’m a gentle, kind, and loving person, and I make a cruel remark to someone, my perception of “who I am” no longer matches “what I did.” A gentle, kind, and loving person would not say mean things. I would be motivated by feelings of guilt to apologize to the person I hurt. The cognitive dissonance provided by our guilt drives us to atone for our actions.
Cognitive dissonance has a dark side, and it’s harmful.
When we’re gaslighted regularly, our level of cognitive dissonance grows, and the crazier and more out-of-touch we feel. We’re unsure of what’s real and what’s not, what’s true and what’s not, what to believe or not, and we don’t know whether to believe our senses or only to accept what we’re told.
We all tell ourselves stories. It’s how we make sense of ourselves and the world. Our egos translate our experiences, so they make sense, but doing this when we’re in a state of cognitive dissonance can keep us stuck. To get unstuck, we might choose to accept the best explanation that we can come up with, regardless of its accuracy.
For example, think about the possible explanations for a situation that a six-year-old might create versus a twenty-year-old or a thirty-five-year-old. Youth and immaturity work against us when we’re gaslighted as kids. We’re not experienced or knowledgeable enough to imagine plausible and realistic explanations. At ten, if my best friend doesn’t reach out, I might think it’s because she doesn’t like me anymore. But at thirty, if I haven’t heard from my friend, I might think it’s because she’s preoccupied, tired, not feeling well, etc. I can choose any number of explanations, and they’ll align with my current self-concept. Now, if I formed the belief in childhood that I’m unlovable, and I carried that belief with me into adulthood, my interpretation of others’ behavior will reflect that belief. If I have strong self-esteem, then my interpretation will reflect that. We interpret our reality using these emotional “filters.” It’s important to remember this because our filters can and do change. Our perceptions and interpretations also continually change and develop as we mature physically, intellectually, socially, spiritually, and emotionally.
Remember that “beliefs” are thoughts that have emotions attached to them. Eliminating inaccurate beliefs is a primary key to healing. Pick a childhood belief. What thoughts and feelings are still connected to it? For example: “I’m not smart.” List feelings, thoughts, and actions that come from that belief and write about them at length. Is the belief still relevant today? Why or why not? Explain. Learn about therapeutic approaches like Tapping, Neurolinguistic Programming, or Cognitive Behavioral Therapy to eliminate faulty beliefs and create healthy new ones. Invest time to investigate other methods for changing beliefs. We acquired our beliefs as children. We get to replace them with ones that serve us as adults.
Cognitive dissonance is one of the most challenging aspects of healing. Because of gaslighting, we’ve learned to disregard or mistrust our perceptions, judgment, and memory. We may have learned to trust and accept our mother’s interpretation of the world and events, and we may now rely on her interpretations, judgment, and perceptions instead of our own.
When you were gaslighted by your mother as a child, you probably received unexpected or inappropriate responses from her. Your response to her gaslighting may have been determined to be incorrect, unreasonable, or shameful. You may have wondered why your mother gave you strange looks that caused you to question your actions and words. Now, as an adult, you may be fearful for your mental health, and you’re concerned that you may be losing your mind. You accept that you’re the illogical one or that you’re mentally ill. You’re confused by things she says and does, but your observations can’t be validated because you’re often the only witness or the only one who finds her behavior strange.
Gaslighting often leads to depression, anxiety, helplessness, hopelessness, or exhaustion. If it’s severe, you may feel like your sense of self is “fuzzy” and “reality” feels dreamlike. You probably can’t think clearly and have trouble with problem-solving and making decisions. This is cognitive dissonance.
I’d often get confused, stressed, and frustrated when my mother denied doing or saying something I’d witnessed. I’d ask, “You’re saying that I didn’t see what I know I just saw?” And she’d reply in an exasperated or dismayed tone of voice, “You dreamt it,” “You imagined it,” or “So-and-so did that, not me.” It shouldn’t surprise you that I grew up to continue that tradition. I excelled at self-gaslighting. When you convince yourself that you didn’t just hear what you know you heard or that you didn’t just see what you know you saw….you are self-gaslighting. We do it to protect ourselves from further trauma.
Self-gaslighting
Self-gaslighting also contributes to cognitive dissonance. When we tell ourselves that someone’s actions or behavior were our fault, we’re self-gaslighting. We may convince ourselves that we somehow provoked their hurtful behavior, or we take responsibility for the things they did to hurt us. When we self-gaslight, we not only accept blame, we intentionally place it on ourselves. We lie to ourselves and then spend precious emotional energy convincing ourselves that we’re not. It’s exhausting. Throughout your healing process, remind yourself not to do that anymore. Be honest with yourself now. Stand up for yourself and become your own advocate. If you won’t, then who will? Tell yourself the truth and stop accepting gaslighting from anybody, including yourself, period. Practice mindfulness to become aware that you’re doing it and stop every time.
Humans have a natural need for their attitudes, beliefs, and behaviors to co-exist peacefully with each other. This is known as “cognitive consistency.” Living in a state of cognitive consistency means that we feel stable, relaxed, and secure. For example, if I believe I’m an honest person, and I act accordingly, it means I’ll tell the truth even when it’s uncomfortable, or it gets me into trouble. Doing so means I’ll maintain my integrity and my cognitive consistency.
For those of us who’ve experienced gaslighting as children, it likely caused harmful cognitive dissonance and reduced us to confused, uncertain, dependent shadows of our true selves. It robbed us of our ability to think logically, make decisions easily, use sound judgment, and recall accurately. Instead, we doubt ourselves, always second-guessing our thoughts, emotions, and decisions. I believe that gaslighting is the most treacherous form of manipulation because it undermines our sense of self and stability.
How cognitive dissonance is resolved
Most of us consciously or unconsciously resolve cognitive dissonance by doing one of these three things:
Change our thoughts: Choosing this option means you change your thoughts and beliefs to match those of your narcissistic mom. For example, you accept your mother’s perspective that you lack common sense rather than continue believing that you have sound judgment. Now you agree with your mother, which eliminates the emotional conflict and cognitive dissonance.
Change our actions: With this approach, you change your behavior so it matches your beliefs about yourself. Using the above example, you find ways to demonstrate that you actually have sound judgment and common sense. Your actions now match your mindset, eliminating emotional conflict and cognitive dissonance.
Justify our perceptions: You really do lack common sense and sound judgment, and you rationalize this by minimizing their value and significance. In essence, you trivialize your lack of common sense and sound judgment to eliminate the emotional conflict and cognitive dissonance.
Resolving cognitive dissonance isn’t always done on a conscious level, although we may be aware that we have choices to make. At some point, we’ll use one of the three methods to keep our sanity intact.
Eliminating cognitive dissonance isn’t a “one-and-done” thing. Typically, and speaking from my own experience, we play around with the three possibilities for resolution, trying them on and seeing how they fit and feel. Eventually, we settle on one that suits us best and that causes us the least mental and emotional stress.
Because my mother liked to overwrite my perceptions and memories with her own, I heard a lot of, “I never said that,” “You imagined it,” “You dreamt it,” or “It wasn’t me.” I was in a continual state of self-doubt and confusion from her insistence that I perceived and remembered events inaccurately. My ability to make decisions and trust my own senses was severely negatively impacted. I eventually came to believe that the discrepancies between my own observations and those of my mother were flaws in my memory and perception. I became obsessed with explaining the disparities between what I observed and what I was told I observed. I remained in a state of cognitive dissonance throughout my childhood. If you can relate, I urge you to start your healing journey now and recover from the resulting cognitive dissonance.
Tools
Conscious awareness: Be aware and make conscious choices before acting. Self-awareness releases us from making impulsive and potentially damaging decisions.
Self-care: We can only choose to focus on and be responsible for ourselves, our own thoughts, actions, and behavior. The good news is that we can change ourselves with patience, persistence, and practice. We can take responsibility for getting our needs met instead of waiting for someone to change or meet our needs for us. We are in control of ourselves, and no one is responsible for us but us.
More Resources You May Like:
Join the Free Email Survival Course:
Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.
Private Facebook group included for members only.
Get the TOOLBOX APP
for instant information, support, and validation!
I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self, Workbook and Journal, by Diane Metcalf
A step-by-step method to learn how to write the highest vibrating, most powerful affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things.
As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping and healing strategies. She happily shares those with those who want to learn and grow in their own recovery journies.
Diane is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer on narcissism, family dysfunction, and abuse. She draws from her personal childhood experiences, as well as her work in human service fields like domestic violence and partner abuse. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.
Her transformational books about healing and moving forward include the highly praised “Lemon Moms” series. This emotionally supportive collection explains narcissistic traits and teaches how to reconcile past hurts to begin self-nurturing, healing, and moving forward.
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