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Anger•C-PTSD•Self Care

Uncovering Emotional Triggers: How Narcissistic Behavior Impacts Our Anger and Self-Esteem

Angry emoji
October 19, 2020 by Diane M. Metcalf, MS No Comments

Are you feeling angry after recognizing someone’s toxicity, dysfunction or narcissism and how it might have hurt or negatively affected you?

Do you find your angry feelings so overwhelming that you’re not exactly sure what you’re angry about? Maybe it feels like you’re angry all the time, at just about everyone.

Quick Links

  • What’s going on here?
  • Let’s unpack it
  • Primary emotions that may trigger anger
  • Tools for healing

It can be frustrating to feel such a powerful emotion and not understand why it’s so strong, or not be able to control it. It can make you feel bad about yourself and contribute to low self-esteem. Additionally, anger can create issues between you and others; creating problems in your relationships, or draining away your productivity and energy. So, let’s talk about why you might be feeling so angry after recognizing how someone’s toxicity has negatively impacted you.

When you feel angry if a particular event happens or when you recall a certain memory, it’s because your brain hasn’t fully processed the situation before reacting. These are the knee-jerk reactions known as “triggers.” To identify our particular triggers, we need to examine our angry feelings in deeper detail.

What’s going on here?

When we stop and take a closer look, anger can provide us with important information. When you understand what is triggering your anger, you can heal those triggers. When your triggers are healed, you’ll be able to feel angry without overreacting. You’ll be able to feel angry and still be in control of what you say and do. Learning to control anger and its triggers is a step in learning “emotional regulation,” something that you may not have gotten a chance to do as a child.

angry-cat Uncovering Emotional Triggers: How Narcissistic Behavior Impacts Our Anger and Self-Esteem

Anger is actually a secondary emotion. When you get angry, it feels like it’s the first and only emotion you feel, but that’s not what’s really happening. What actually happens is that you feel something else first, before the anger, and THAT emotion is what triggers the anger. In all likelihood, you have a memory or experience of an event, and your mind interprets it so quickly that you don’t even notice it, but you feel something. That “something” triggers the anger.

“Emotions” are feelings that have thoughts connected to them. Understanding this, you will see the importance of your interpretation of that first fleeting feeling (and trigger) that ignites the anger. It’s that first thought, that interpretation, that gives meaning to the event or memory and sparks the anger.

For those of us healing from the effects of someone’s probable or diagnosed narcissism or chronic toxicity, our anger is most likely associated with painful past experiences. If you haven’t dealt with those traumatic experiences, your anger will be triggered more easily. You may feel angry much of the time.

Feeling anger is also a way of protecting ourselves. Have you ever thought of that? Sometimes we use anger to keep others at a distance, so we don’t get hurt again. This can become an internal conflict: we don’t want to feel angry, but we don’t want to be hurt again, either.

In my childhood family of origin, the rules were that it was OK for my mother to openly display anger at whomever she chose, for any reason, but I was not allowed to express anger without risking punishment. If we grew up with a mother who was intolerant of anyone’s anger but her own, then as adults, we have some specific challenges that need to be dealt with. If we were not allowed to express all of our emotions, including anger, because they were judged or punished, we may have learned that anger is bad, frightening, useless, unfair, and should be avoided, denied, or held inside.

When you grow up believing these things about anger and enter adulthood holding these beliefs, you’ll likely behave in ways that demonstrate that you believe your anger is useless or irrelevant (victimhood), or you may not know how to express anger in a healthy manner. You may even feel guilty for having angry feelings. Guilt on top of anger. Great!

These are aspects of “Childhood Emotional Neglect,” which occurs when parents don’t notice, respond to, or validate their child’s feelings, including anger.

Essentially, if we’ve been emotionally neglected, we’ll have no coping mechanisms for dealing with anger, and we may become passive-aggressive. (This means that we’ll act out our anger by doing things that don’t look like they’re done in anger but are the result of feeling angry. Passive aggression includes behaviors like making intentional “mistakes,” procrastinating something that’s important to someone else, disguising criticism as compliments, feeling resentful, sabotaging, ignoring, slamming and banging objects, and saying “nothing’s wrong” when your behavior or body language clearly says there is.

Let’s unpack it

Our reactions are what’s important, not the memory or event itself. A memory or an event doesn’t really have any meaning until we give it one. Think about that.  

We give the memory or event a meaning with our interpretation of it. We interpret memories and events so that we know how to think about and deal with them. And while you’re interpreting, you’re also making judgments (whether you’re conscious of it or not) about whether that memory or event is “good,” “bad,” or “neutral.” That decision is based on how you’re emotionally feeling at the time.  Here’s an example I use in the book “Lemon Moms”:

Can the weather cause you to feel an emotion? If you’re inside today, cozy and warm, with nothing planned, and it begins to storm, do you feel any emotion about it? What emotion would you feel? Would others feel the same way about it as you do? Why or why not? If you’re getting married today, and it begins to rain, you’ll probably experience some feelings about it that might be different than how you’d usually feel about rain. You might be disappointed, angry, or sad. What else might you feel? Is the rain causing those feelings, or is your interpretation of it causing your feelings? Do you see the difference?

If you’re a farmer anticipating the end of a long, detrimental drought, you’d probably be ecstatically happy about the rain. It would mean that you wouldn’t lose your crops, and you’d have some income to pay your bills, replenish your supplies, and pay your employees.

In each example, the meaning or “interpretation” given to “rain” is very different, and the resulting emotions will align with that meaning.

If I ask ten people about how they feel about it the next time it rains, I’d get ten different answers. That’s important to remember. Our reactions are all about our interpretation and the judgment we give to the initial feeling.

So, why is that?

Our interpretations and judgments have to do with our expectations and our emotional state.

As we know, emotions are not data; they’re not factual. Emotions are driven by chemicals in our bodies called hormones. They are also affected by other variables such as our environment, physical health, age, worldview, self-talk, sleep quality and quantity, stress levels, food choices, beliefs, memories, thoughts, and much more. All of these, and more, can and do affect our emotional state.

If you have a particular memory or an event that causes you to feel angry, you need to unpack that angry reaction step-by-step and look at all of the pieces involved. Right before the anger, what do you feel? Maybe you feel belittled? Humiliated? Shamed? Unimportant? Ignored? Not mattering to someone? Slighted? Insulted? Mocked? Dismissed? There’s a pretty good chance that you feel one of those or something closely related.

angry-eggs Uncovering Emotional Triggers: How Narcissistic Behavior Impacts Our Anger and Self-Esteem

Those primary feelings triggered the anger, NOT the memory or the event. NOT what the person said or didn’t say, did, or didn’t do. Yep, you heard that right. The first fleeting, almost imperceptible feeling that you felt (insulted, dismissed, unimportant, etc.) came from your interpretation and judgment of the memory or event and is what triggered your anger.

Let’s say someone just did or said something, and you felt that they were saying (or thinking) that you’re not important, that you don’t matter, that you should be ashamed, that you’re stupid, etc., and you immediately felt angry. But upon closer inspection, you see that they didn’t actually SAY it. That was your interpretation of what they said. The meaning of what was said is coming from you! Can you see that? Your interpretation may be correct or incorrect. The person has not actually said that you’re not important, that you don’t matter, that you should be ashamed, that you’re stupid, etc. It just feels to you, through your interpretation, like that’s what they said or implied. Do you see how your interpretation can drastically affect what happens next?

This interpretation happens quickly, and you’re probably not aware of it when it happens. That’s because it happens unconsciously. But after today, if you start to apply conscious awareness, you will become more and more aware of it.

You’ll see that the meaning and judgment cause you to feel some primary emotions; shame, feeling unimportant, dismissed, disrespected, mocked, etc. That primary emotion triggers your anger. Once you’re aware of this process, you can stop right there and question whether your interpretation is accurate or not.

Why are you giving the memory or event that particular interpretation? Why not a different one? Look deeper to see what else is happening that could be impacting your perception and judgment.

Primary emotions that may trigger anger

1. Loss of control/powerlessness/feeling like a victim

If feelings of victimhood or loss of control are the primary emotion, you’ll be triggered to feel anger because you want to regain control over what’s happening or what’s perceived to be happening. (Remember, a lot of this is your own interpretation.) These feelings, in particular, could cause you to overreact or lash out at others who triggered them. That’s because the loss of control, victimization, and fear are closely related. If you notice that you’re overreacting or lashing out, take a look to see if you’re feeling powerless, victimized, or afraid.

2. Fear

As I mentioned, feeling afraid and feeling a loss of control are related. That’s because the amygdala (a structure in our brains that encodes and stores memories) saves memories, not as stories, but as chunks and fragments of sensory input. So, your memories are saved as bits of sounds, sights, smells, touches, and tastes. For those who have C-PTSD, any of these fragments that are also connected to fear can trigger anger. There is a strong need to regain control of the situation.

Our minds use fear as a method to keep us safe. Even though fear is uncomfortable, it is a natural response, not a sign of weakness. When a memory causes you to re-experience feelings of fear, it would be OK to remind yourself that you’re in a safe place and that you’re experiencing a memory. It’s safe to examine this disturbing feeling a little deeper. When you begin to get a clearer picture of what’s really going on behind the scenes in your brain, you’ll start to uncover the actual trigger. Once you find the trigger, you can begin to understand it better, which will start you moving forward.

3. Frustration

I’ve mentioned that frustration can trigger anger, so let’s take a deeper dive into that.

Frustration is the emotional response to having to deal with conditions that are outside of an individual’s realm of control. Being blocked from the desired outcome, or being challenged by a difficult task, are examples of events that can cause frustration. When someone feels frustrated, and it’s combined with fear, they may become aggressive. Often, when we feel frustrated, there is also a sense of powerlessness. That’s because you’re in a situation where you want to do something and you can’t. You feel like you have no available choices, or you don’t know what those choices are.

Focusing on a solution rather than on the problem is a helpful thing to do. If you’re feeling frustrated about something, here are some questions to ask yourself that could change your perspective and uncover a solution-

  • What is it that I’m trying to achieve?
  • Am I feeling blocked in the way I’m going about getting it?
  • What are some other ways I can get it? Think of at least two.
  • What steps can I take right now?
  • Do I need to start working on accepting that I can’t change this situation?
  • Do I need to change my goal, rather than give it up?
  • Am I allowing fear to control my responses? How can I change that?

4. Feeling tired or overwhelmed

Feeling worn-out or exhausted impacts our ability to cope with challenging situations. When we’re tired, our minds can’t work at full capacity, and we may find ourselves misperceiving, misunderstanding, or making poor decisions. When we need rest, our patience and emotional resilience are low. You may feel like you’re at your limit for what you can handle, and that’s also connected to feeling frustrated. When you’re at your limit, feeling like you have no more ability to cope can feel scary and may cause you to feel afraid. Being pushed over that limit can trigger anger.

rdPFtUUg8wTaYqNEPRFSPp?w=800&fit=max Uncovering Emotional Triggers: How Narcissistic Behavior Impacts Our Anger and Self-Esteem

Are you beginning to see how fear keeps coming up in these scenarios? Fear is connected to many of these triggers.

When you’re feeling overwhelmed, stop, and see if you can dig out the cause. Are you tired? Under more stress than usual? Are you in pain? Have you experienced a loss? Have your responsibilities increased? Have you lost a support system? Had a financial loss? What else has changed in your life recently?

Break the cause of your overwhelm into smaller chunks and see where it becomes unmanageable. Do you need to ask for help with this unmanageable piece?

What are some healthy ways that you can start to respond to feeling overwhelmed? (Hint: take a nap, go to bed early, eat something if you’re hungry, call someone, move your body; go for a walk, do something physical, talk to someone, read.)

5. Grief

Grief is an overwhelming emotion, and it’s one of the hardest to deal with. Part of our dawning awareness that our mother’s undiagnosed narcissism has negatively affected us, is noticing a strong feeling of loss. Feelings of loss can be confusing and painful, and often when going through the process of Narcissism Awareness Grief, we feel that sense of loss. We don’t mourn for what we had. We mourn for what we didn’t have; we mourn for what could have been.

We mourn the loving, caring mother we never had and the innocent, unburdened childhood we never got to experience. We mourn our lost sense of self. We mourn the love and acceptance we never got to experience as daughters, especially if we’re an invisible or scapegoat child. We grieve our lost sense of security because we were gaslighted. We mourn all the lost time, the time spent believing lies and engaging in people-pleasing. We mourn the loss of a soul connection to our mothers. It’s natural to feel angry when there’s such a huge amount of loss.

When you’re angry, and you’re not sure why, ask yourself if grief could be the cause. Does the current situation remind you of something you’ve lost, could have had, or desired? For example, when you see your mother engaging with the Golden Child, do you feel angry? When you see a mother out in public, laughing, playing with, and enjoying her child, do you feel angry? Ask yourself if what you’re experiencing is unresolved grief. If your anger is indeed grief-related, that’s an indication that you need to start working through the grief. Learn about the stages of grief and Narcissism Awareness Grief in particular. Get into a support group or find a therapist. Please don’t let being stuck in grief rob you of a happier future.

6. Codependent coping

When we don’t feel good about ourselves, if we have low self-esteem or low self-confidence, we look for validation and approval from others. If we don’t know how to validate and affirm ourselves, we look to others to fulfill those needs. When we’re codependent, we may go to incredible lengths to please others, to get that validation, affirmation, and some semblance of self-worth. When we have a weak sense of worth, our anger jumps out in defense. When someone doesn’t acknowledge or appreciate what we’ve done for them (even if they didn’t ask for our help), we feel hurt and resentful, and those can trigger anger.

Codependency ends when we start feeling “good enough” and can approve and validate ourselves. Validation is incredibly important. Once you’re able to validate yourself, you‘ll be less likely to seek out others to do it for you. You won’t need to step in and do things for others when they haven’t asked you to. You’ll begin to know yourself more deeply than you did when you were focused on caretaking someone else.

Ask yourself, why do you need this person’s approval? Why is it so important to you? What will their approval change about you? What will happen if you don’t get it? If you don’t get it, would that change anything, really? What beliefs about yourself would it change? Is their approval the only thing that will cause this change? What can you do to start feeling better about yourself regardless of how they respond to you? What else might improve your self-esteem? What might increase your self-confidence? When will you start doing those?

7. Betrayal hurt

When we go through Narcissism Awareness Grief, we often feel betrayed. Betrayal hurts our hearts and can affect how we think, how we feel, and what we believe. At least temporarily.

It’s hard to understand how and why our mother could hurt us so deeply. These underlying hurt feelings, along with those of disappointment and betrayal, can all trigger anger. Acknowledge these feelings of pain, betrayal, and disappointment. Work on accepting that if your mother is a narcissist, she truly cannot behave any differently without making a conscious change. Without a desire or motivation to change, she will not change. The changes must come from you.

8. Weak boundaries

If we have weak boundaries or don’t enforce the boundaries we have, the more likely we are to react in anger when they’re challenged or violated.

You are worthy of love and respect simply because you exist. If you’re in a situation where you’re treated unlovingly or disrespectfully, that may cause you to feel angry or resentful. You may not understand why you feel that way. You feel that way because that person is not validating you. Being validated is a basic human need. If someone’s invalidation triggers your anger, you may want to look into self-empowerment and ways of developing a stronger sense of self-worth. When you value yourself and can validate yourself, it’s less likely that another’s lack of validation will trigger you.

By taking the time to understand where your anger comes from, you’ll learn a lot about yourself and begin to heal those triggers. You’ll begin feeling a new sense of peace and calm. When someone or something triggers you, you’ll understand what’s happening and be able to deal with it. Sometimes all it takes is awareness of what’s happening “behind the scenes” in your brain. With a little practice, you’ll begin responding to your triggers in a different, healthier way. You’ll begin seeing your anger as a tool that you control rather than as an emotion that controls you.

Any time you feel angry, whether it’s slightly ticked-off, annoyed, or full-blown furious, get in the habit of asking yourself, “Why am I angry right now? What was the primary emotion I felt?” “What interpretation have I given it?” “Why am I giving it that interpretation instead of some other?” It’ll bring you a step closer to learning how to regulate your emotions, and that’s something many of us didn’t get to learn if we grew up in an emotionally neglectful home.

Tools for healing

Conscious awareness:  Be aware and make conscious choices before acting. Self-awareness releases us from making impulsive and potentially damaging decisions. Practice mindfulness.

Understand the abuse cycle

Learn about letting go of what you can’t control by using loving-detachment

Learn about expectations

Learn about setting boundaries 

Self-care: We can only choose to focus on and be responsible for ourselves, our own thoughts, actions, and behavior. We can take responsibility for getting our needs met, instead of waiting for someone to change or meet our needs for us. We are in control of ourselves and no one is responsible for us but us. We can change ourselves with patience, persistence, and practice.

Learn about codependency and maladaptive coping skills

Take the Adverse Childhood Experiences quiz

Learn about Narcissism Awareness Grief

More Resources You May Like:

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      About the Author

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      Drawing from her personal experiences of growing up in a dysfunctional household, Diane Metcalf has developed effective coping and healing strategies. With the assistance of professional therapists and mindful personal growth, she has honed her skills and now happily shares them with others who are interested in learning and growing.

      As an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer, Diane is well-versed in topics such as narcissism, family dysfunction, abuse, and recognizing warning signs. Her extensive knowledge is drawn not only from her personal experiences, but also from her work in human service fields, including domestic violence, partner abuse, and court advocacy. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.

      Diane’s transformational books on healing and personal growth, such as the highly acclaimed “Lemon Moms” series, offer emotional support and guidance in understanding narcissistic traits and healing past wounds. Her approach emphasizes self-awareness, intention, self-care, and establishing healthy boundaries as essential components in the healing process.

      Learn more about the Lemon Moms series: Lemon Moms

      See what’s happening on DianeMetcalf.com

      This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

      Read more

      Please share!

      Reading time: 18 min
      Boundaries•Isolation•Self Care

      Work from Home? Time to Set Boundaries

      mother and baby
      June 3, 2020 by Diane M. Metcalf, MS No Comments

      I remember thinking how much easier life could be if I worked from home. No more wasting time commuting! Dressing casually every day! Working whatever hours I wanted! Such freedom!

      When I became an entrepreneur, I began working from home as my own boss. It was a new, exciting experience. It took a while to adjust; there were days I realized I’d done nothing but sit in front of a computer screen all day long. Not good.

      Quick Links

      • The Revelation
      • Schedule Social Time
      • Use a Work Schedule
      • Take Breaks
      • Get Out of the House
      • A Change of Scenery
      • Tools

      There were times I realized I hadn’t-

      • spoken to anyone all-day
      • left the house
      • heard anything from the outside world
      • talked with friends
      • eaten

      None of this is how a human being was meant to live. I needed to find new ways to stay mentally healthy and feel like a human being again while maintaining productivity.

      The Revelation

      It took me a while, but I finally realized that the way I was working was not conducive to happiness, health, or a sense of mental or emotional well-being. My priorities had to change if I wanted to stay mentally healthy and also enjoy working from home. So I changed a few things:

      I began with the realization that meeting my needs should be on my priority list too. I affirmed that sleep is important. Eating is important. Socializing is important. Enjoying the life that I’m creating is important! So here’s what I changed to start creating more of a work/life balance. I’m happier, healthier, more productive, and more peaceful now.

      Schedule Social Time

      When the pandemic was in full swing in 2020 and 2021, I made online coffee and lunch dates with friends and family using free online tools. And every week I had a repeating online “happy hour” with certain friends and family. I reached out with texts and emails to others to stay connected.

      Now that the world has reopened, I can do most of that face-to-face again. I make sure to schedule social time for emotional well-being and connectedness.

      Use a Work Schedule

      There was a time when I preferred to work with few breaks, under the assumption that I would get more done. It was not helpful in the long run.

      When I was new to working from home, I actually didn’t want to have “a schedule.” I believed that the beauty of working from a home office was that I could work “whenever” I wanted! And I often wanted to work very late at night. Once, I began my workday at 10 PM, and the next time I looked up from my screen it was 6 AM. I had no idea. It didn’t take long for this newfound “freedom” to negatively impact my sleep/wake cycle and my moods and emotional well-being. Having the freedom to work “whenever” wasn’t working for me at all. I wasn’t tired at night when I should be sleeping, and I was tired all day when I was supposed to be working and taking care of other responsibilities.

      So I decided I needed structure, but I still hated the idea of a schedule. In order to keep that feeling of freedom, I created a loosely defined work schedule, more of an outline, beginning between 7 and 8 AM and ending between 4 and 5 PM. I worked half a day on Fridays, and I didn’t work most weekends. Because I’m my own boss, I can modify this schedule according to my family’s needs. It offers the flexibility that I need, and it works for me.

      Making myself stick with this more structured work routine has repaired my sleep/wake cycle and given me back a sense of control over my life. I can work more or less, depending on what I need to get done that day. I realize that many of us don’t have that kind or extent of flexibility, but I encourage you to tweak what you can to make your work day feel more productive and less stressful.

      Take Breaks

      Even with a daily work outline, I still have a tendency to get immersed in work, sometimes to the exclusion of everything else.

      When I started taking little breaks, I wondered how “behind” I would get. But soon, I realized that after a break, I actually felt better, had more clarity, and I was more productive. This was an unexpected surprise. So I continued taking breaks and made some of them a bit longer.

      Even with taking several breaks, I’m getting all of my work done, and I don’t fall behind on my other responsibilities. During a 30-minute break, I may make myself a snack or lunch, take care of personal or family business, or give my pets the attention they crave.

      I no longer drive myself like a workhorse. I’m kinder and more considerate of myself, and it’s reflected in the quality of my work. 

      Get Out of the House

      We know that one of the best ways to stay mentally healthy is to get outside and get some form of movement.

      You know what’s best for you to get your muscles going and blood pumping, I don’t have to give suggestions. Your body will appreciate any form of movement, and you’ll get to look at something besides your computer screen. And that brings me to the next thing:

      A Change of Scenery

      At some point, I got very tired of my office space and started working from a different area of my home after breaks. On some days, if I’ve had three breaks, I’ve worked in three different areas, including my office and outside, weather permitting.

      My advice to you: if it helps, change your workspace now and then. Work in different areas of your home so your view changes. Work outside for a bit if you can. The mind enjoys a perspective shift!

      I hope you can use at least one of these ideas to make a positive difference in your work day.

      Tools

      Learn more about setting boundaries 

      Practice mindfulness

      Get help moving forward

      Ditch the unsupportive inner dialogue

      Practice ferocious self-care: We can choose to focus on and be responsible for ourselves, our own thoughts, actions, and behavior. We can take responsibility for getting our needs met instead of waiting for someone to change or meet our needs for us. We are in control of ourselves, and no one is responsible for us but us.

      More Resources You May Like:

      Visit the TOXIC UNDO for More Healing

      Join the Free Email Survival Course:

      Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.

      Private Facebook group included for members only.

      Register Here!
      Free 8-week email Survival Course

        I respect your privacy. Unsubscribe at anytime.

        Get the TOOLBOX APP

        for instant information, support, and validation!

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        I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self, Workbook and Journal, by Diane Metcalf

        Experience the power of self-affirmation: using positive statements to improve well-being and performance. Learn research-based steps to write the most effective affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things.

        Get it Here:

        Author’s Site: Free Shipping
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        Browse the Positivity Shop

        Get the TOOLBOX posts twice monthly in your inbox!

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          3D-3-book-series Work from Home? Time to Set Boundaries

          About the Author

          Tilted-Diane-Headshot-2023-lighter Work from Home? Time to Set Boundaries

          Drawing from her personal experiences of growing up in a dysfunctional household, Diane Metcalf has developed effective coping and healing strategies. With the assistance of professional therapists and mindful personal growth, she has honed her skills and now happily shares them with others who are interested in learning and growing.

          As an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer, Diane is well-versed in topics such as narcissism, family dysfunction, abuse, and recognizing warning signs. Her extensive knowledge is drawn not only from her personal experiences, but also from her work in human service fields, including domestic violence, partner abuse, and court advocacy. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.

          Diane’s transformational books on healing and personal growth, such as the highly acclaimed “Lemon Moms” series, offer emotional support and guidance in understanding narcissistic traits and healing past wounds. Her approach emphasizes self-awareness, intention, self-care, and establishing healthy boundaries as essential components in the healing process.

          Learn more about the Lemon Moms series: Lemon Moms

          See what’s happening on DianeMetcalf.com

          This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

          Read more

          Please share!

          Reading time: 5 min
          Boundaries•Codependency•Self Care

          Boundaries: Self-care in Action

          Boundaries
          April 14, 2019 by Diane M. Metcalf, MS No Comments

          If we don’t have boundaries,  we often deny our own feelings or do things we know we shouldn’t or don’t want to do just to gain someone’s approval or acceptance. Afterward, we’ll often feel taken advantage of, used, resentful, and basically not very good about ourselves. Then we might further beat ourselves up for not having a backbone. Or for not being “stronger.”

          Quick Links

          • Do we really need limits on how others treat us?
          • Why it’s important to have personal boundaries
          • How to set healthy boundaries
          • A word about consequences
          • The benefits of setting boundaries
          • It’s about choice
          • Acknowledge what you need
          • Examples of Healthy Boundaries
          • To inform them or not
          • Putting it together
          • When your boundaries are challenged or rejected
          • Tools

          Do we really need limits on how others treat us?

          But we need some boundaries in place to protect ourselves from living in a cycle of regret or feeling resentful or used. Setting boundaries can do this, but it can definitely feel scary to consider because sometimes the stakes are high. That fear, along with those high stakes, might keep us stuck in the cycle.

          Setting boundaries helps bring an end to our people-pleasing behavior. Maybe for the first time, we’re willing to accept the many ways, good and not so good, that people might respond to this. I believe that setting boundaries is the first step in healing codependency. Setting boundaries is a courageous act of faith in yourself. It takes courage to say “No, I won’t ______________ anymore.”

          “No” is a boundary. “No” is a choice. Saying “no I won’t do that” or “I will no longer tolerate ___________” is a way to honor our true feelings.

          Saying yes to something when we want to say no can make us feel resentful, used, and angry. When we’re co-dependent, we often say “yes” when we want to say “no”, or we say “no” when we really want to say “yes.” But why do we do this?  I think it’s because we’re afraid.  We’re afraid we’ll need to justify saying no or have to explain why we’re saying it. But really, an explanation is not required. It’s actually enough just to say “no.” 

          “No” is a complete sentence.

          We want to be liked and needed, and we’re afraid of losing that. Sometimes we say yes instead of no because we depend on others for a sense of approval or for a sense of identity. We don’t want to lose that. Sometimes we need or want validation. Sometimes we depend on external validation because we haven’t learned to validate ourselves yet. (That’s a discussion for another time.)

          We can say “no” with love & compassion. It doesn’t have to be mean. 

          “No” is a very clear choice. It’s not negative. It’s an affirmation of our integrity and beliefs. 

          It’s important when we’re healing to start saying what we mean and meaning what we say. Your “yes” is stronger and more meaningful if you say “no” now and then. 

          We are in control of where to draw the line & how to articulate where we stand. Doing this empowers us. 

          Why it’s important to have personal boundaries

          I’ve read that it’s far better to use an “assertive no” rather than a “submissive yes.” Think about that.

          We lose a part of ourselves when we say yes but want to say no and when we say no but want to say yes. We are people-pleasing then, and we’re not saying what we mean and meaning what we say. We lose our integrity. It’s too high a price to pay. Be true to yourself and say what you mean.  Setting boundaries is a method of showing our integrity. Healthy boundaries help us set limits that protect and empower us. 

          Boundaries pertain to “me” and my behavior rather than to others. They are under my control. I base my personal boundaries on “what I need” to maintain my personal safety, emotional stability, and mental health. 

          Boundaries are not intended to be a way to control others. They’re not meant to change another person’s behavior. They’re a way to have personal limits for ourselves. They’re not emotional, they’re facts.

          Boundaries protect us from another’s destructive behavior or from engaging in activities that we don’t want to be involved in. Setting healthy boundaries is a form of self-care and self-empowerment.

          WE get to determine what’s acceptable to us and what’s not. 

          Boundaries are not a “do this or else” kind of statement. They are not a threat to someone else’s behavior. Enforcing a boundary is not meant to be a way to manipulate or control others. Rather, a boundary is where we “draw the line.” It means you’ve thought about which of their behaviors are acceptable to you and which ones are not.

          How to set healthy boundaries

          Setting a boundary requires four things:

          1. Acknowledging that you have a specific physical or emotional need that will help you feel happy, safe, healthy, loved, understood, etc.
          2. Acknowledging someone’s behavior that’s directly related to or challenges this need. (This is going to be the boundary.)
          3. Setting consequences. This is the action you will take when the boundary is broken. When that line is crossed you will need to know ahead of time what you’ll do and be prepared to do it.
          4. Possibly informing about the new boundary by stating the above three items. Informing is a choice that you do not have to take. More about that is below.

          A word about consequences

          The consequence (the action that you take) is taken by you to protect yourself or to take you out of a situation.

          By following through with the consequence, you’ll be letting the situation play out without you. This is because setting a boundary means we will no longer engage in unacceptable behavior. We choose to lay down our end of the tug-of-war rope, and we do something else. What the other person does next is their choice. And the consequences of that choice are theirs too.

          We follow through with our stated consequences, understanding that we have no control over what happens next after we take ourselves out of the situation. And we accept that no matter what happens, we’ll be OK and we won’t step back in to take control. This is the really scary part because OF COURSE what happens next could affect you.

          This fear can make us want to give up the idea of setting boundaries and just remain co-dependent.

          The benefits of setting boundaries

          To me, having personal boundaries is another form of exercising something called “positive detachment“: meaning that I’m staying in my own personal space regardless of what’s going on around me. I’m not trying to control others, and I’m not taking responsibility for their choices. By setting boundaries, I’m consciously and lovingly letting others deal with the consequences of their choices, even if it’s uncomfortable for them. Even if it costs them money, relationships, or jobs. There’s definitely a degree of “tough love” involved in setting and enforcing boundaries.

          Boundaries are not something that you negotiate with anyone. No one can determine your boundaries but you simply because they’re part of your self-care! No one knows what’s best for you more than you do. You don’t need someone’s permission to set a boundary, and you don’t need them to approve of it, allow it, or agree to it. BOUNDARIES ARE NOT ABOUT ANYONE BUT YOU. THEY ARE TO TAKE CARE OF YOU.

          It’s about choice

          Boundaries are not threats or ultimatums:

          For example:

          “You’d better not do —— ever again or else!”

          Instead, a healthy boundary would be more like this:

          “If you choose to do that then I’ll do this_____. “

          It’s about giving someone choices for their behavior rather than taking choices away from them. If your boundary leaves someone with the ability to choose, then it’s probably a healthy boundary. If your boundary takes away their choices except for one, then it’s probably more of an ultimatum or a threat, not a boundary. Keep in mind that the choices you’re leaving them include the THING that you don’t want them to do. The thing that means you’ll enforce the consequences. That’s OK. Just be aware that they may test you to see if you’re serious. Always follow through with the consequences.

          To set healthy boundaries, you must understand where you end and others begin. It’s also necessary to have healthy self-worth and self-confidence or to at least be actively engaged in improving those.

          Acknowledge what you need

          Start by asking yourself:

          What do I need, to feel safe, loved, secure, happy, rested, mentally healthy, etc?

          This one can be tough. Take the time to explore this over a period of time. Do you need to get to bed earlier than your partner? Do you need quiet time for whatever reason away from your kids every day? Do you need a particular medication or supplement? Do you need to eat or not eat certain things? Does something that a person does or says make you uncomfortable? Does their behavior make you feel emotionally or physically unsafe? Do they regularly disrespect you or say things that are hurtful? Think about people or situations that you would avoid if you could and ask yourself why. If you could change anything, what would it be? Ask yourself: what’s my motivation for setting this boundary?  I’m guessing that your answer is something along the lines of “I want him to stop doing ______” or “I want her to stop treating me like  ________.”

          OK. That’s great. Now, because we can’t control other people’s thoughts or behavior, we have to reframe this a bit.

          love-300x200 Boundaries: Self-care in Action

          Examples of Healthy Boundaries

          We can’t make him stop doing _______, and we can’t make her treat you differently. So what CAN we do? We can change what happens if and when they do those things. We can change the outcome for ourselves. We don’t have to stand there and accept unacceptable behavior. This is self-care.

          For example,

          NEED: I need to feel safe.

          The RELATED BEHAVIOR: I don’t feel safe when he _______.

          Reality: I can’t control whether he does ________ or not, but I can control ME. So, an appropriate boundary could be something like this:

          BOUNDARY: When he does _______,

          CONSEQUENCE: then I will do this:

          1. Walk away

          2. Go to a different room

          3. Hang up

          4. Call someone

          5. Leave

          6. Take a taxi

          7. or some other choice that removes you from the situation

          If I want to INFORM him about my boundary, I would say something like: “I need to feel safe when I’m with you (unmet need.) I don’t feel safe when you drink and drive (boundary.) If you drink and choose to drive, I will call an Uber for myself (consequence.)

          Another example:

          NEED: I need to maintain my positive feelings about my sisters in order to have an enjoyable relationship with them.

          The RELATED BEHAVIOR: I feel uncomfortable when my mother starts talking negatively about my sisters.

          Reality: I can’t control if or how she talks about them but I can control ME. So, an appropriate boundary could be something like this:

          BOUNDARY: When she begins disrespecting my sisters…

          CONSEQUENCE: then I will do one of these:

          1. Change the subject
          2. End the conversation and hang up

          If I want to INFORM her of my boundary I could say something like: “I need to feel good about my relationship with my sisters. I don’t like hearing negative, critical, and judgemental things about them. If you say anything hurtful or disrespectful about them (boundary) I will change the subject or end our conversation (consequence).

          Do you see the difference between simply putting up an emotional wall/avoiding certain people/trying to control another’s behavior, and setting a boundary to take care of yourself? Think about the difference. It’s huge.

          After you’ve developed a boundary, ask yourself:

          Does the boundary take care of me?

          Am I trying to control the person’s behavior or am I trying to take care of myself? Is my “boundary” more of a threat or ultimatum?

          A healthy boundary should give the other person the ability to make choices. If they are not left with any choice or have only one “choice”, then it’s not a healthy boundary.

          To inform them or not

          As shown above, the final step you may want to include after you’ve set a boundary is to inform the people involved. You don’t have to inform, especially if you think doing so will make your boundary be perceived as a challenge. I would say “do not inform” if you think the person will break the boundary just to test you. Do not inform if you think it will provoke an argument or put you in danger. You will carry out your boundary and the consequences, and the person will learn that the boundary exists that way.

          However, if you want to inform, you will choose the right time and simply state your boundary and the consequences, that’s it.  As uncomfortable as it might be to state and enforce a boundary, you may still want to do it as a way of expressing your expectations.

          Informing others of your new boundaries can feel scary or intimidating. It doesn’t have to be a lengthy or painful conversation. In fact, I believe that “stating the facts” is all that’s required. You do not need to justify, answer questions or deal with drama. If a tug-of-war is offered, you are not required to engage. Drop your end of the tug-of-war rope and do something else.

          Whether you inform or carry out the boundary and consequences without informing, the choice is up to you. I would suggest being very comfortable with the consequences and knowing without a doubt that you can carry them out.

          Putting it together

          1. What do you need to feel safe, secure, loved, happy, rested, etc? (need)
          2. What is the behavior that keeps this need from being met? (boundary)
          3. What will you do when this behavior shows up? (consequence)
          4. Inform or not

          Setting boundaries can feel so scary that sometimes we avoid doing it. Start with just one and see how it goes. It takes practice to set boundaries, especially if we haven’t learned how to do it when we were children or if we’ve never seen healthy boundaries in action. Sometimes the boundaries we set, or their consequences, will need to be tweaked or adjusted so they work better. That’s absolutely OK! Just make sure that whatever your consequence is, you will absolutely be able to carry it out. If we back down and don’t enforce our own boundaries, we can end up feeling defeated or resentful, or weak. If we don’t enforce our own boundaries, we’re sending the message that we’re not serious! If you don’t feel you can carry out the consequence, you need to re-think the consequence and create a new one.

          When your boundaries are challenged or rejected

          This can be tricky. Dealing with someone who’s challenging us or daring us to enforce our boundaries requires us to feel a high degree of self-worth, self-esteem, and self-confidence, or at least for us to be actively working on those things. We’ll need to be able to respond with something like “I understand that you don’t like this (boundary). It’s absolutely something I need and intend to keep doing for myself.”

          Sometimes people can be hurtful, critical, or judgmental when we start setting and enforcing boundaries. They’re not used to it, and they don’t like it. In the spirit of positive detachment, that’s all OK. They don’t have to like it. Whether they like it or not has nothing to do with you or taking care of yourself. So when someone challenges your boundary, remind yourself that you can do hard things. You do hard things every day, and you’ve been doing hard things all your life. This is no different.

          When they challenge the boundary, you re-state your want/need, the boundary, and the consequence. If they go ahead and cross that line anyway, then you go ahead and carry out the consequences.


          Could you be feeling the effects of Narcissism Awareness Grief? Download the free chapter to find out:

          EXPERIENCING NARCISSISM AWARENESS GRIEF

          from Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism


          Tools

          • Pause. Take time to think. Don’t respond right away. Say something like: “I’m going to need to think about that”, or “I’ll get back to you on that.” 
          • Practice saying yes and no to real or imaginary questions. 
          • Know when something is your responsibility & when it’s not. Say it nicely, say it with firmness. “No, that’s actually something you should be doing for yourself.”
          • Remind yourself that you’re worthy of setting that boundary and that you’re worthy of being fair to yourself. 
          • Pay attention to the physical sensations in your body when you think about saying yes or no and then do the thing that honors your body. 
          • What are some other things I can say when I don’t want to say yes, but I’m uncomfortable saying no? Possible replies:
            • “ I appreciate you asking, but no that’s not something I can do.”
            • “No, I can’t do that but here’s what I can do.”
            • “No, but is there something else I could do to help?”
            • “At this time in my life no, I’m sorry I can’t do it.” 
            • “No, thank you.”
            • “Count me out.”
            • “I’ll get back to you.”  

          What are expectations and why should I ditch them?

          More about healing Codependency

          Understand the Cycle of Abuse

          More Resources You May Like:

          Visit the TOXIC UNDO for More Healing

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              About the Author

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              Drawing from her personal experiences of growing up in a dysfunctional household, Diane Metcalf has developed effective coping and healing strategies. With the assistance of professional therapists and mindful personal growth, she has honed her skills and now happily shares them with others who are interested in learning and growing.

              As an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer, Diane is well-versed in topics such as narcissism, family dysfunction, abuse, and recognizing warning signs. Her extensive knowledge is drawn not only from her personal experiences, but also from her work in human service fields, including domestic violence, partner abuse, and court advocacy. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.

              Diane’s transformational books on healing and personal growth, such as the highly acclaimed “Lemon Moms” series, offer emotional support and guidance in understanding narcissistic traits and healing past wounds. Her approach emphasizes self-awareness, intention, self-care, and establishing healthy boundaries as essential components in the healing process.

              Learn more about the Lemon Moms series: Lemon Moms

              See what’s happening on DianeMetcalf.com

              This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

              Read more

              Please share!

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              Anger•Boundaries•Detaching

              The Power of Letting Go: Releasing Expectations for a Happier Life

              locks
              March 4, 2019 by Diane M. Metcalf, MS No Comments

              Have you ever really thought about your expectations? 

              I’ve heard it said that “expectations are premeditated resentments.” Here’s the thing: Any time our peace or happiness depends on another person’s behavior, we’re giving them the power to, at the very least, disappoint us and maybe hurt us. When we have expectations for others, we’re setting ourselves up for resentment too.

              Quick Links

              • Unpacking the Burden of Expectations: How to Find Peace in Acceptance
              • High and Low Expectations
              • The Expectation Trap: Breaking Free from Resentment and Disappointment
              • Tools

              Our peace and happiness are proportional to our expectations. That means our peace and happiness are directly related to how many expectations we hold onto. Do you see how your expectations of certain people can hold the key to much of your happiness and peace? Think about all the ways you might be disappointed by the people who don’t meet your expectations. Do you think it might be time to take that powerful key back?

              Unpacking the Burden of Expectations: How to Find Peace in Acceptance

              Expectations” are another name for the “shoulds” that we apply to ourselves and others. Our expectations are under our control. They are about what we want in terms of people’s behavior.

              Sometimes expectations are realistic, and often they’re not. They may even be tied to our worth or perceived value as a person.

              multi-butterflies-229x300 The Power of Letting Go: Releasing Expectations for a Happier Life

              Having expectations of others without communicating with them is the same as expecting them to READ YOUR MIND. Mind reading was a big expectation in my family of origin. It caused a lot of misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and resentment. I know how easy it is to believe that people in our lives will “just know” what we want or need at any given time. If they know us, or if they LOVE us, they should just KNOW without having to be TOLD, right? Not only do we expect them to automatically know what we want, but we assume that they’ll do those things too. When they don’t know the expectations and don’t follow through, we get resentful. How ridiculous is that? And how fair is that to them?

              High and Low Expectations

              If we use words like “never” and “always” when we think about our expectations, it indicates that it’s an unreasonable expectation because of “black and white” (aka “all or none”) thinking. Having unrealistic or unreasonably high expectations leads to resentment. When expectations are unrealistic, they’re often based on fear. If you find an unrealistic expectation in your thinking, look to see if it’s fear-based. Maybe you’re afraid of losing something or of someone taking something from you.

              Conversely, having low expectations can lead to disappointment. Sometimes we purposefully, and maybe unconsciously, set low expectations for others in order to avoid feeling disappointed.

              If you’re not sure whether your expectations are appropriate, ask someone whose integrity you respect to see what they think. Sometimes another’s perspective lends insight.

              Another thing to consider about our expectations is that if we grew up in a dysfunctional or unhealthy environment, we might expect “bad things” always to be part of our lives. We may be adults who expect the worst of others or live fearfully. If this is true for you, changing your attitudes about what you expect will change your life. When we practice awareness of our expectations, we’re less likely to be disappointed, angry, or resentful when they’re not met.

              When we practice detaching from outcomes, our fears and resentments begin diminishing.

              We’re always changing, and our expectations need to be flexible and able to change along with us.

              The Expectation Trap: Breaking Free from Resentment and Disappointment

              • Examine one expectation about someone specific. Is your expectation realistic? How do you know? How can you change it if it’s not?
              • How important is this expectation? Is it worth sleepless nights? Is it worth feeling anger, hurt feelings, or resentment? How important is it really?
              • Let go; detach. Let others be who they are. Notice how this feels. Is it pleasant? Why or why not?
              • Let go of what people say (or didn’t say) or what they did (or didn’t) do. Let go of outcomes. Let go of your expectations. How does it feel? Scary? Anxiety-provoking? What can you do about that?
              • Make the goal of “letting go” a process of progress.
              • Focus on progress, not perfection.
              • Trust the process.

              Tools

              Learn about the Cycle of Abuse

              Learn about setting boundaries 

              Learn about codependency and maladaptive coping skills

              Self-care: We can only choose to focus on and be responsible for ourselves, our own thoughts, actions, and behavior. We can take responsibility for getting our needs met instead of waiting for someone to change or meet our needs for us. We are in control of ourselves, and no one is responsible for us but us. We can change ourselves with patience, persistence, and practice.

              Conscious awareness:  Be aware and make conscious choices before acting. Self-awareness releases us from making impulsive and potentially damaging decisions. Practice mindfulness.

              Learn about letting go of what you can’t control, by using positive-detachment

              More Resources You May Like:

              Visit the TOXIC UNDO for More Healing

              Join the Free Email Survival Course:

              Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.

              Private Facebook group included for members only.

              Register Here!
              Free 8-week email Survival Course

                I respect your privacy. Unsubscribe at anytime.

                Get the TOOLBOX APP

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                Experience the power of self-affirmation: using positive statements to improve well-being and performance. Learn research-based steps to write the most effective affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things.

                Get it Here:

                Author’s Site: Free Shipping
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                Browse the Positivity Shop

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                  About the Author

                  Tilted-Diane-Headshot-2023-lighter The Power of Letting Go: Releasing Expectations for a Happier Life

                  Drawing from her personal experiences of growing up in a dysfunctional household, Diane Metcalf has developed effective coping and healing strategies. With the assistance of professional therapists and mindful personal growth, she has honed her skills and now happily shares them with others who are interested in learning and growing.

                  As an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer, Diane is well-versed in topics such as narcissism, family dysfunction, abuse, and recognizing warning signs. Her extensive knowledge is drawn not only from her personal experiences, but also from her work in human service fields, including domestic violence, partner abuse, and court advocacy. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.

                  Diane’s transformational books on healing and personal growth, such as the highly acclaimed “Lemon Moms” series, offer emotional support and guidance in understanding narcissistic traits and healing past wounds. Her approach emphasizes self-awareness, intention, self-care, and establishing healthy boundaries as essential components in the healing process.

                  Learn more about the Lemon Moms series: Lemon Moms

                  See what’s happening on DianeMetcalf.com

                  This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

                  Read more

                  Please share!

                  Reading time: 4 min
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                  This website uses cookies to improve your experience while you navigate through the website. Out of these cookies, the cookies that are categorized as necessary are stored on your browser as they are as essential for the working of basic functionalities of the website. We also use third-party cookies that help us analyze and understand how you use this website. These cookies will be stored in your browser only with your consent. You also have the option to opt-out of these cookies. But opting out of some of these cookies may have an effect on your browsing experience.
                  Necessary
                  Always Enabled
                  Necessary cookies are absolutely essential for the website to function properly. This category only includes cookies that ensures basic functionalities and security features of the website. These cookies do not store any personal information.
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