Benefits of expressive writing

According to researcher Dr. James Pennebaker, a psychology professor at the University of Austin, Texas, people who use expressive writing to journal have improved mental and physical health.

Dr. Pennebaker pioneered a study of expressive writing as a coping mechanism for trauma. His, and hundreds of other studies have verified the benefits achieved by people suffering from PTSD, cancer, depression, and various other mental and physical ailments. This journaling technique was found to strengthen the immune system, reduce pain and inflammation, lower infection rate from colds or flu, and decrease depression symptoms. It can also improve memory, sleep quantity and quality, and attitude. It’s clear that there are many benefits associated with expressive writing!

How it works

Using expressive writing allows the writer to recognize a painful or traumatic experience and describe it as a problem to be solved. Doing this allows the writer to identify a particular problem and organize their thoughts and feelings, using written language to create the narrative. This process helps break the rumination cycle, which, in my experience, helps decrease or eliminate cognitive dissonance. Research shows that labeling our emotions actually calms the limbic system and the fight or flight response. (Look up “name it and tame it.”) The prefrontal cortex, which is in charge of executive functions, regains control, and a deeper meaning and understanding can be created around the memory or traumatic event. This leads the writer to feel a new sense of control and personal power regarding the traumatic event. The more we do this this type of journaling, the easier it gets.

When people become more comfortable thinking about and remembering a traumatic event, they are more able to share their feelings with others. Expressive writing may indirectly lead writers to seek emotional support, thereby accelerating the healing process.

As demonstrated in a 2006 study published in the Journal of Psychological Science, expressive writing can also improve relationships. The study found that when one partner wrote about their relationship in detail, both partners began using more positive language when texting each other. The relationship also lasted longer.

Don’t like to write?

If you don’t like journaling, you can still use expressive writing. Recording your thoughts has been shown to work just as well.

To use the technique, write without judgment, self-editing, or correcting spelling or grammatical mistakes. Just write it as you think or feel it. Write for 15 to 20 minutes for at least three consecutive days. Deep dive into your thoughts and feelings and write about them in detail when you do this.

I’m a big fan of journaling using expressive writing. I wrote the “Lemon Moms Companion Workbook” to supply the necessary prompts, questions and challenges to help you use expressive writing as one of your healing tools.

References:

How Do I Love Thee? Let Me Count the Words- The Social Effects of Expressive Writing

Feeling Upset? Try This Special Writing Technique

Expressive writing: Connections to physical and mental health

Tame Reactive Emotions by Naming Them

Tools for healing:

Conscious awareness:  Be aware and make conscious choices before acting. Self-awareness releases us from making impulsive and potentially damaging decisions. Practice mindfulness.

Learn about setting boundaries 

Learn about codependency and maladaptive coping skills

Read “Facing our demons during isolation”

Lemon Moms: Resources to guide you in healing from childhood trauma, abuse or neglect. Available on Amazon and wherever books are sold. (Kindle, Audiobook and paperback format.)

About the author

As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf has developed strong coping skills and healing strategies. She happily shares those insights with others who want to learn and recover. 

Her books and articles are the results of her education, knowledge, and personal insight regarding her own abusive experiences and subsequent recovery work. She is no longer a practicing Social Worker, Counselor, Program Manager or Advocate, nor is she or has she ever been a licensed psychologist.

Diane is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer on the topics of domestic violence, abuse, and family dysfunction. Currently, she writes about toxic relationships and recovery tools. Diane holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and has worked in numerous fields, including domestic violence and abuse. She also holds a Master of Science degree in Information Technology.

Currently, Diane runs her own website design company, Image and Aspect, and writes articles and tutorials for Tips and Snips, her inspirational blog for creative people. She continues to learn and write about Emotional Healing.

This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

I’m not saying don’t watch the news, but know when to turn it off or temporarily disengage. Events are unfolding at such a rapid pace that it’s hard to keep up. Immersing yourself in the negativity without taking breaks for helpful and healing activities will affect your thoughts and your body negatively.

I experienced this myself last Tuesday. Until then, I thought I was handling the unfolding events very well. But quite unexpectedly, I had a surge of overwhelming feelings and I found myself crying with no real “reason“ for it. I felt like I just couldn’t handle another piece of information. It felt good to cry, and, I suggest that you do some crying too. Crying is like a pressure valve. It lets out the feelings we’ve been holding inside while trying to stay strong. But we’re strong even when we cry. I think it’s a smart healing-thing to do, and we feel more clearheaded, grounded and calm when we’re finished.

We ‘re all experiencing traumatic events right now. We may be overwhelmed with information coming through the radio, TV, friends, family, neighbors, or social media. We may not know what to think or what to do. We may become hyper-vigilant, trying to keep up, putting our flight or fight survival mode into overdrive. This means dealing with an excess of hormones like cortisol, (which can cause, among other things, slower healing, weakness, fatigue, irritability, difficulty concentrating, high blood pressure, and headaches) and adrenaline (which among other things, increases heart rate and blood pressure). It also means that our hippocampus and amygdalae won’t be able to store short term memories properly, and you may find yourself feeling scatterbrained.

What you can do

Take frequent breaks from the input. Taking breaks can also feel overwhelming and traumatizing at first. It’s important to know that if you find yourself getting overwhelmed, feeling stressed or anxious, you should turn off the media and do something healing for yourself. Take a bath or a shower, clean a room, rearrange your pantry, clean out a drawer, take inventory of your supplies, journal, reach out to a friend; anything that will make you feel better and serve as a distraction from the situation. Think of all the things you can do to make you feel better and use that list over the next several weeks.

Think back to a time when you felt overwhelmed and life was uncertain, and you got through it. Remind yourself that you coped then, and you will this time, too. Focus less on the changes and uncertainty and instead focus on centering, grounding and calming yourself. Go back to watching the news when you feel you can handle it. Watch in short doses, taking short breaks in between.

If you’re stuck at home, use this new gift of time to do the things you’ve been putting off. Get started writing that book, read to your kids, organize your digital photos, organize a closet. You get the idea. Think of the things you’ve been wanting to do and wishing you had the time to do, then start doing them. It’s amazing what getting into the “flow“ does to make you feel accomplished.

Connect with people using social media. See if you have “Nextdoor.com” for your neighborhood and connect electronically with your neighbors. You can share information about stores and product availability, other resources, and important information.

Check-in on elderly loved ones and elderly neighbors. Help whoever you can.

Read uplifting material whether it’s spiritual text, poetry, or old love letters. Watch comedies. Read that book you’ve been wanting to read!

Journal! Not only will writing get worries off your mind, but it could be a keepsake for your children later on; a historical record of what’s happening and your thoughts and feelings about it.

Do something physically challenging for stress relief. Jog in place, or pull out one of those old exercise videos and have at it. Make a game of it with your kids. Movement feels good and releases endorphins and other calming hormones. So does guided meditation, yoga, and stretching. Do the things that help you feel grounded, like praying or gratitude exercises.

Control what you’re eating. Sugars and carbs cause inflammation, and inflammation lowers immunity.

Amp up your current healing journey: I’m releasing a special black-and-white printable PDF version of the Companion Healing Workbook for “Lemon Mom’s” this week instead of May as planned.

Look for it on DianeMetcalf.com.

The full-color, bound version will be available for purchase on Amazon when “Lemon Moms” is released this spring.

Although “Lemon Moms” has not been published yet, (we’re in the formatting and cover-design phase!) the companion workbook will take you through multiple healing activities that you can start even before reading the book.

Six things that keep your immunity high

1. Eat healthy foods in moderation and take a daily multivitamin.
2. Exercise for 30 minutes daily.
3. Get enough sleep.
4. Wash your hands.
5. Minimize or stop alcohol consumption.
6. Quit smoking. Now is a great time!

Make time for yourself

As we become accustomed to these new events and our new temporary lifestyle, put yourself on your own to-do list. Make yourself a priority too. Remember, airlines always tell us to put on our own oxygen mask before assisting others. There’s a reason for that: you’re not going to be of any use to anyone if you don’t take care of yourself first.

Stay well, and, stay healthy my friends.

Tools:

Conscious awareness:  Be aware and make conscious choices before acting. Self-awareness releases us from making impulsive and potentially damaging decisions. Learn about setting boundaries 

Self-care: We can only choose to focus on and be responsible for ourselves, our own thoughts, actions, and behavior. The good news is that we can change ourselves with patience, persistence, and practice. We can take responsibility for getting our needs met, instead of waiting for someone to change or meet our needs for us. We are in control of ourselves and no one is responsible for us but us.

Practice mindfulness

Learn about codependency and maladaptive coping skills

Learn about C-PTSD

Recognize the Cycle of Abuse

Lemon Moms: Resources to guide you in healing from childhood trauma, abuse or neglect. Available on Amazon and wherever books are sold. (Kindle, Audiobook and paperback format.)

About the author

Diane Metcalf earned her Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology in 1982 and a Master of Science in Information Technology in 2013.

She has held Social Worker, Counselor and Managerial Positions in the fields of Domestic Violence and Abuse, Geriatric Healthcare, Developmental Disabilities, and Reproductive Health. She is an experienced Advocate and Speaker on the topics of Domestic Violence and Abuse and has been a guest on Lockport Community Television (LCTV), sharing her knowledge and experience regarding Domestic Abuse with the local community. In addition, she experienced Maternal Narcissistic Abuse and has been involved in other toxic relationships. She purposefully learned (and continues to learn) appropriate coping skills and strategies to live happily. She shares those insights here.

Her books and articles are the results of her education, knowledge, and personal insight regarding her own abusive experiences and subsequent recovery work. She is no longer a practicing Social Worker, Counselor, Program Manager or Advocate, nor is she or has she ever been a licensed psychologist.

Currently, Diane runs her own website design company, Image and Aspect, and writes articles and tutorials for Tips and Snips, her inspirational blog for creative people. She continues to learn and write about Emotional Healing.

This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

You’re likely being gaslighted if:

• Your narcissist uses your fears or insecurities against you. If you divulge any insecurities or personal worries, at some point, they will be used against you in some manner. Again, this allows the narcissist to feel superior to you as a form of supply.
• Your narcissist wants you to think they know you better than you know yourself. Sometimes, they may say they know what you’re thinking, and if you tell them they’re wrong, they’ll believe you’re lying. They may roll their eyes at you or make a disgusted face, even state that you’re lying. Narcissists simply cannot allow themselves to be wrong.
• Your narcissist has you do things for them that aren’t appropriate (or morally right or legal, etc.) and tells you that it’s OK.
•  If you’re regularly told that something’s “normal” when you know it isn’t, then you’re probably being gaslighted. For example, when I was a child, my mother frequently had me lie to adults on her behalf. Usually, the lie was that she had a headache, or that she didn’t feel well, or wasn’t at home. She just expected me to do this without question. Growing up this way, I believed this was normal. Later, in my teens, when I started to recognize that this wasn’t something all kids had to do, I refused to do it anymore. It felt wrong, and it felt like I was being used. I thought that she should, as the adult, speak to the other adult herself. She made it known that she was disgusted with me for expecting her to be honest or at the very least, to do her own lying. The ironic thing here is that my mother was very vocal about how much she detested liars. She took a strong stand against lying and stated that once someone lied to her, she could never trust them again. She touted herself as a truthful and honest, trustworthy person.
• Your narcissist “diagnoses” you and tells you what’s wrong with you. You’re informed that you’re mentally ill, that you need help, or that you have “issues.” When a narcissist doesn’t get their way, they will insult you and question your judgment or your sanity. They may tell you that you need therapy or medication. This really isn’t about you, though. In fact, it has nothing to do with you; it’s all about their need to feel superior and in control of you, and your relationship.
• Your narcissist rewrites history. They inform you that what you know to be accurate or real, is not accurate, real, correct or factual. Then will then tell you what is.
• Your narcissist tells you that your memory is faulty. Narcissists may recall or retell a memory very differently than you, which is OK, since we all perceive differently. The problem here is that they will describe their behavior or reaction as rational, good and righteous, but spin yours as irrational or shameful. In their version, they are always either the hero or the victim.

What does gaslighting do?

Gaslighting can have severe effects, especially if it’s ongoing. You may find yourself lying if it helps you avoid the stress of having your reality discarded and re-written. Or you may lie simply to avoid the inevitable arguments. You’ll do what needs to be done to prevent your narcissist from becoming triggered, angry, or abusive. 

A significant symptom of gaslighting is the constant feeling of confusion or being off-balance. It’s one of the most challenging aspects to healing because we’ve learned to disregard our intuition and our sense of trust, indeed sometimes our whole perception of reality. Because we may have learned to trust our narcissist’s interpretation of the world and rely on it instead of our own, we begin to doubt our reality and we convince ourselves that our narcissist’s version of reality is correct.

How does being gaslighted feel?

There’s a feeling of things not “adding up,” and you get confused and disoriented easily, when having arguments or conversations with them. You may possibly feel as if reality isn’t actually “real.” I came to think of these discrepancies as a flaw within myself, instead of in my mother. I had obsessive thoughts, trying to figure out and make sense of the disparity between what I observed myself, knowing what I saw or heard, and what I was told that I saw or heard (or didn’t see or hear.) The internal conflict this causes often leads to us accepting that our narcissist’s version of reality is correct. This is called cognitive dissonance. It’s a way of making sense of what’s happening, to feel less confused.

When you’re in a relationship with a narcissist who’s gaslighting you, you may get unexpected or inappropriate responses to common questions or actions, and your own reactions may be determined to be incorrect or unreasonable. You may start to wonder why your narcissist gives you strange looks that make you question yourself. Fearful for your mental health, you worry that you might be losing your mind. You might begin thinking that you’re the illogical one, or that you’re mentally ill. You likely feel confused all the time, but your observations are never validated.

You’ll even come to doubt your own memory. This was a big one for me. Because my mother liked to overwrite my perceptions and memories with her own, I heard a lot of, “I never said that,” “You imagined it,” or “You dreamed it.” This was the attribute of gaslighting that harmed me the most. Continually being told that I perceived, and therefore remembered, events incorrectly had me in a continual state of self-doubt and confusion. It negatively impacted my ability to make decisions and to trust my own judgment and perceptions.

This form of abuse leads to feeling depressed, anxious, helpless, hopeless, or exhausted. You may feel surreal, like you’re invisible, or like you don’t exist. Your sense of reality may seem” fuzzy” around the edges, and you can’t think clearly. You probably have trouble problem-solving and making decisions because you doubt your judgment or your observations. 

And while you’re struggling with all of this, your narcissist will continue to play the mind games, twisting your perception of reality.

Eventually, you may begin to depend on your narcissist to tell what’s real and what isn’t. You’ll rely on them to tell you what happened, how it happened and how you should remember it. If the gaslighting is constant, your reality will depend on their interpretation of it. You’ll begin to lose your sense of self. If this happens, you’ve likely started to dissociate and become the version of “you” that your narcissist already believes you are.

Tools:

Conscious awareness:  Be aware and make conscious choices before acting. Self-awareness releases us from making impulsive and potentially damaging decisions.

Self-care: We can only choose to focus on and be responsible for ourselves, our own thoughts, actions, and behavior. The good news is that we can change ourselves with patience, persistence, and practice. We can take responsibility for getting our needs met, instead of waiting for someone to change or meet our needs for us. We are in control of ourselves and no one is responsible for us but us.

Set boundaries 

Understand the Abuse Cycle

Learn about codependency

Learn about letting go of what you can’t control, by using loving-detachment

Learn about expectations

Lemon Moms: Resources to guide you in healing from childhood trauma, abuse or neglect. Available on Amazon and wherever books are sold. (Kindle, Audiobook and paperback format.)

About the author

Diane Metcalf earned her Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology in 1982 and a Master of Science in Information Technology in 2013.

She has held Social Worker, Counselor and Managerial Positions in the fields of Domestic Violence and Abuse, Geriatric Healthcare, Developmental Disabilities, and Reproductive Health. She is an experienced Advocate and Speaker on the topics of Domestic Violence and Abuse and has been a guest on Lockport Community Television (LCTV), sharing her knowledge and experience regarding Domestic Abuse with the local community. In addition, she experienced Maternal Narcissistic Abuse and has been involved in other toxic relationships. She purposefully learned (and continues to learn) appropriate coping skills and strategies to live happily. She shares those insights here.

Her books and articles are the results of her education, knowledge, and personal insight regarding her own abusive experiences and subsequent recovery work. She is no longer a practicing Social Worker, Counselor, Program Manager or Advocate, nor is she or has she ever been a licensed psychologist.

Currently, Diane runs her own website design company, Image and Aspect, and writes articles and tutorials for Tips and Snips, her inspirational blog for creative people. She continues to learn and write about emotional healing and has authored three books in the “Lemon Moms” series. Visit her author’s website here.

This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

Growing up in a home where there’s no emotional inter-connectedness with our family members or no real communication, often leads to experiencing feelings of isolation. When we feel ignored, invisible or insignificant as a child,  it’s easy to continue using these same maladaptive relationship patterns after we become adults. As a result, we may continue to let others make our decisions for us without the benefit of us sharing our thoughts or feelings. We choose to silence our voices because we believe that what we say doesn’t matter. We give away our personal power because we’re not even aware that we have any power.

When we’ve been traumatized by narcissism, alcoholism, addiction or any other type of toxicity, whether as a child or as an adult, we often feel like we can’t talk about it with others. We prefer to keep our thoughts and feelings to ourselves because we feel ashamed or embarrassed. Sometimes we criticize and judge ourselves for becoming isolated, or for being in a particular situation, or with a certain person. Sometimes we fear other’s judgment or criticism of our choices, and sometimes it simply feels like no one will be able to understand. We may feel at fault for our circumstances and we isolate ourselves to hide our shame and our secrets.

Brene’ Brown is a research professor at the University of Houston and she’s well known for studying courage, vulnerability, shame, and empathy. Brene’ firmly believes that we have to “walk through vulnerability to get to courage”, therefore . . . we should “embrace the suck.”

In her book I thought it was just me (but it isn’t): Making the Journey from “What Will People Think?” to “I Am Enough”, Ms. Brown describes shame as a “silent epidemic”, something that everybody experiences at some point in their lives.

She goes on to say that “Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging”. Personally, I don’t think it’s a coincidence that shame is associated with depression, guilt, anxiety, eating disorders, addiction, and violence. (habitsforwellbeing.com)

~By isolating, we prolong the pain.~

Patterns of Isolation 

By entertaining thoughts of “I don’t belong”, or by judging ourselves as “not good enough”, we close ourselves off from others. This avoidance-tactic can be used to hide from ourselves or from others, and even from reality. There are lots of ways to hide! We can hide physically, mentally, spiritually and/or emotionally. We may stop socializing and interacting. We may feel like keeping secrets and hiding or cocooning so we begin keeping to ourselves, and not reaching out for help or support. We may emotionally (or physically!) push others away. We interact with friends or family less often and when we do, topics of conversation become superficial, and we steer clear of conversations about our personal or home-life. We avoid any chance of getting emotionally triggered or of triggering others. We avoid embarrassment by not accepting social invitations. 

What we’re actually doing is trying to avoid potential or imagined pain. 

The Power of Our Thoughts

“Closed-thinking” is an orderly and pretty inflexible task-based way of thinking. When we use a closed-thought process, we focus solely on “the goal”, and getting something accomplished. We’re pressured and probably feel stressed because there’s usually a time-limit or due date involved. Even self-imposed due dates can feel stressful.

Conversely, “open-thinking” feels more relaxed.  When we use open-thinking we don’t feel rushed because there is no hurry, there is no “due date.”  We don’t feel pressured or stressed. With open-thinking, we enjoy the process of “playing around” with our beliefs and ideas instead of focusing on time-sensitive outcomes.

Is it surprising to know that isolation thrives on closed-thinking? It’s no wonder isolation can feel so suffocating and hopeless.

We all have the ability to use open thinking, but many of us don’t have experience using our minds this way. Maybe we never learned how, or we never saw it modeled. Maybe life simply feels too heavy or serious right now to “play around” with ideas. Perhaps the idea of learning a new way of thinking makes us tired or uncomfortable.

Trying to learn how to think openly can certainly feel uncomfortable at first, and using this less restrictive process will remain difficult if we don’t practice.

Thinking openly means that we give ourselves time to daydream about possibilities and the space to read and research and envision scenarios. “What if” we were to do this instead of that? What would that look like? How might it feel? Open thinking involves thinking creatively (instead of purely logically) and collaborating with others. Bouncing ideas off somebody we respect and trust can show us new perspectives and can open up new possibilities.

Breaking Isolation

Breaking our isolation means that we have to begin trusting people and changing our perspective. We have to start taking chances and participate in our life. Sharing ourselves with others and getting comfortable with our own vulnerability are the antidotes for isolation. 

Brene’ Brown says: “Shame is the most powerful, master emotion. It’s the fear that we’re not good enough” and “Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it’s having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome”.

Her research findings can effectively be summarized in this statement: “Staying vulnerable is a risk we have to take if we want to experience connection.”

Try reaching out to someone today. Just do one thing to break your isolation. Letting yourself be vulnerable will get easier with practice, I promise.

Tools:

• Self-care
• Identify the Cycle of Abuse
• Recognize codependent coping skills
• Everyone makes choices. Are you choosing to stay in suffering-mode? Why or why not?
• Respond rather than react. (Homework: look up the difference between reacting and responding. Try responding the next time you have the opportunity. See how it feels)
• Have a plan for ending the isolation.
• Reframe your viewpoint: a shift in perspective can help us to determine what’s most valuable to us so we don’t waste emotional energy on less important things. Perspective is everything.
• Be open to new ideas that we weren’t open to in the past. Open-mindedness will help us take advantage of new resources as they become available.
• Conscious awareness:  Be aware and make conscious choices before acting. Self-awareness releases us from making impulsive and potentially damaging decisions.
• Progress not perfection: Let’s give ourselves credit and just enjoy being human! No one is perfect. People just like to pretend they are.
• Live in the present: Be willing to give up worrying about the future. The future doesn’t exist, so we can’t predict or control it. Give up worrying about the past too because the past doesn’t exist either, it’s a mental construction. The past is the “snapshot” we hold of an event that was processed by our own personal and unique filters. Focusing on the present moment is the only state of being that we can actually influence.
• I’m in control of me. We can only choose to focus on and be responsible for ourselves, our own thoughts, actions, and behavior. The good news is that we can change ourselves with patience, persistence, and practice. We can take responsibility for getting our needs met, instead of waiting for someone to change or meet our needs for us. We are in control of ourselves and no one is responsible for us but us.
• Set boundaries 
• Do things you enjoy or that make you feel good. Taking care of ourselves and enjoying life is not selfish. 

More Brene’ Brown Quotes:

“When we’re defined by what people think, we lose the courage to be vulnerable. Therefore, we need to be selective about the feedback we let into our lives. For me, if you’re not in the arena also getting your ass kicked, I’m not interested in your feedback.” – Brené Brown

 “You either walk inside your story and own it or you stand outside your story and hustle for your worthiness.” – Brené Brown

Lemon Moms: Resources to guide you in healing from childhood trauma, abuse or neglect. Available on Amazon and wherever books are sold. (Kindle, Audiobook and paperback format.)

About the author

Diane Metcalf earned her Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology in 1982 and a Master of Science in Information Technology in 2013.

She has held Social Worker, Counselor and Managerial Positions in the fields of Domestic Violence and Abuse, Geriatric Healthcare, Developmental Disabilities, and Reproductive Health. She is an experienced Advocate and Speaker on the topics of Domestic Violence and Abuse and has been a guest on Lockport Community Television (LCTV), sharing her knowledge and experience regarding Domestic Abuse with the local community. In addition, she experienced Maternal Narcissistic Abuse and has been involved in other toxic relationships. She purposefully learned (and continues to learn) appropriate coping skills and strategies to live happily. She shares those insights here.

Her books and articles are the results of her education, knowledge, and personal insight regarding her own abusive experiences and subsequent recovery work. She is no longer a practicing Social Worker, Counselor, Program Manager or Advocate, nor is she or has she ever been a licensed psychologist.

Currently, Diane runs her own website design company, Image and Aspect, and writes articles and tutorials for Tips and Snips, her inspirational blog for creative people. She continues to learn and write about Emotional Healing.

This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

Healthy coping mechanisms help us make sense of confusing or threatening life experiences. They help us to respond appropriately in healthy ways. You’ve heard the saying “when life gives you lemons, make lemonade”? Well, that’s a coping skill: taking something negative and turning it into a positive. But in reality, nothing actually changes except how we view and handle the incident. In other words, life has still given us lemons. Instead of getting angry or depressed, feeling slighted or misunderstood, or letting it ruin our day, we can choose to look at it another way. We can see it as an opportunity to re-frame what happened and experience it in a way that feels better. We make lemonade.

Our coping skillset needs to adjust and adapt throughout the day, every day. That’s why we continually learn and rely on new ways of coping!

This toolbox blog will teach how to take potentially hurtful life experiences and view them in a healthier, more positive perspective. Without healthy coping skills, our perception of the world could become quite negative, and cause us to misinterpret accidents and intentions. We could easily become those people who see the drinking-glass as “half-empty” rather than “half-full”. That doesn’t sound like an enjoyable way to live, and I’m all for choosing “half-full.”

The great thing about coping skills is that anyone can learn new ones. It’s never too late! New coping techniques can be learned and improved at any age.  In this blog, I’ll refer to coping skills as our “emotional toolbox”. I like that analogy because I like the idea of having equipment or “gear” on board that I can pull out and use any time I need to.

We’ll use our toolboxes every day, all day long. When things get difficult or go wrong, we’ll have tools for handling whatever it is. Having a toolbox will help us handle difficult people, crises, toxic situations, unexpected events, personal and interpersonal problems, conflict and other life stressors.

Every article in this blog contains a tool or a set of tools. The tools are listed at the end of each post and you can add them to your own personal toolbox. Practice using them whenever life gives the opportunity!

Every tool is not for everybody. You don’t have to try every tool and you probably shouldn’t. Just go with your intuition when you’re trying to figure out if a tool might be helpful to you or not. Take the ones you’d like to try. Come back for more if you need to.

This is a safe space for learning, growing and helping each other. Please feel free to leave kind and constructive comments or feedback. Share some tools too if you’ve used them and they’ve helped you. 🙂

Here’s to all of our continued emotional growth and prosperity!

Tools:

Learn How to Recognize a Narcissist

Understand the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle

Learn about the Gray Rock technique

Learn to set boundaries 

Learn about dysfunctional family roles

Understand trauma bonds

Learn about codependency and maladaptive coping skills

Like these posts? Want more? Sign up to receive new posts every other Friday!

More resources for healing from childhood trauma, abuse or neglect:

Books by Diane Metcalf-Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism, the Lemon Moms Companion Workbook, and Lemon Moms: Life Altering Affirmations, Change Your Self-talk, Change YourSELF. Available on Amazon and wherever books are sold. (Kindle, paperback, audiobook.)

About the author

As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf has developed strong coping skills and healing strategies. She happily shares those insights with others who want to learn and recover. 

Her books and articles are the results of her education, knowledge, and personal insight regarding her own abusive experiences and subsequent recovery work. She is no longer a practicing Social Worker, Counselor, Program Manager or Advocate, nor is she or has she ever been a licensed psychologist.

Diane is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer on the topics of domestic violence, abuse, and family dysfunction. Currently, she writes about toxic relationships and recovery tools. Diane holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and has worked in numerous fields, including domestic violence and abuse. She also holds a Master of Science degree in Information Technology.

Currently, Diane runs her own website design company, Image and Aspect, and writes articles and tutorials for Tips and Snips, her inspirational blog for creative people. She continues to learn and write about Emotional Healing.

This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.