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C-PTSD•Codependency•Trauma

What’s your attachment style?

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April 5, 2020 by Diane M. Metcalf, MS No Comments

Why care about attachment styles?

There’s been a lot of research in the field of Early Childhood Development, regarding trauma and abuse. The effects of a traumatic childhood on future adult behavior and relationships have been well documented. Two contemporary psychologists, John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth have contributed much to our current understanding of this connection. Their research reveals how unmet childhood emotional needs can impact their future mental health and relationships.

John Bowlby (1907–1990) was a British psychologist and psychoanalyst known for his “childhood attachments” theory. He performed extensive research on the concept of attachment and described it as a “lasting psychological connectedness between human beings” (Bowlby 1969). He theorized that childhood experiences directly influence adult development and behavior, and concluded that individual attachment styles are established in early childhood wholly through infant/caregiver relationships.

His research and that of psychologist Mary Ainsworth contribute to the current body of work known as “attachment theory.”

According to Bowlby, the attachment phase takes place in the first three years of life. His research indicates that to develop a healthy sense of self, including a foundation for forming healthy adult relationships, we must feel safe in our key caregiver relationships. Traumatic experiences may negatively impact the child’s ability to form secure attachments in the future.

Here’s the thing: survivors of complex childhood trauma often have difficulty forming attachments to other people. This struggle creates a self-perpetuating cycle: an unfulfilled desire for connection leads to loneliness and isolation, which can lead to depression, risky, and self-destructive behaviors, which can lead to loneliness and isolation.

In 1970, Dr. Ainsworth expanded on Bowlby’s work in her paper “Attachment, Exploration, and Separation: Illustrated by The Behavior of One-Year-Olds in a Strange Situation.” In her research, she discovered three major attachment styles: secure, ambivalent-insecure, and avoidant-insecure attachment (Ainsworth and Bell 1970). They were expanding on that research in 1986 when Drs. Mary Main and Judith Solomon added a fourth attachment style called “disorganized-insecure attachment” (Main and Solomon 1986). Additional research supports their conclusions and the idea that early attachment styles can predict future behavior.

The Attachment Styles

The following is a description of the four attachment styles as per Drs. Ainsworth, Main, and Solomon:

A secure attachment style forms when a primary caregiver is mostly predictable, reliable, and trustworthy. If a  parent or caregiver is a source of comfort, the child feels relaxed as they discover, learn, and play in their environment. As an adult, this person can develop meaningful connections with others and confidently deals with the inevitable disagreements.

mother-baby-sunshine-300x199 What’s your attachment style?

An insecure ambivalent attachment style forms when a primary caregiver is unreliable, erratic, or unpredictable. There are times the child feels cared for, which are interspersed with times of being shouted at or rejected. These kinds of mixed messages often lead to the child feeling indecisive, hesitant, or doubtful. As an adult, this person may feel a sense of dependency combined with a fear of abandonment.

An insecure-avoidant attachment style forms when a primary caregiver is disengaged, distant, and unavailable. The child’s needs go unmet or are ignored, and they learn to take care of themselves, becoming self-reliant. As an adult, this person may have a dismissive attitude towards other’s emotional needs or lack the ability to experience intimacy with others.

A disorganized attachment style forms when a primary caregiver is chaotic and abusive. The caregiver is not a source of love and nurturing but of fear and trepidation. Kids still attach to an aggressive, cruel, or abusive parent because humans are born with a need for closeness. But we also have a strong need to escape danger. A child in this position will likely develop feelings of helplessness and hopelessness because they’re caught in the middle; they need and desire attachment and also need to escape danger. As an adult, this person will likely alternate between feeling fear or anger and defeat or depression.

It’s common to repeat the first relational patterns and attachment styles we learned as children. (Schwartz, A., 2019). Most of us have a “combination style” of attachment because we often have more than one parent or caretaker. Each of them treats us differently, and so we develop a combination of these four attachment styles.

Tools:

Conscious awareness:  Be aware and make conscious choices before acting. Self-awareness releases us from making impulsive and potentially damaging decisions. Learn about setting boundaries 

Self-care: We can only choose to focus on and be responsible for ourselves, our own thoughts, actions, and behavior. The good news is that we can change ourselves with patience, persistence, and practice. We can take responsibility for getting our needs met, instead of waiting for someone to change or meet our needs for us. We are in control of ourselves and no one is responsible for us but us.

Practice mindfulness

Learn about codependency and maladaptive coping skills

Take the Adverse Childhood Experiences quiz

Learn about C-PTSD

More Resources You May Like:

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      About the Author

      Facetune_06-05-2021-18-24-57 What’s your attachment style?

      As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping skills and healing strategies for herself. She happily shares those with others who want to learn and grow. 

      Her Lemon Moms series and other books and articles are a combination of her education, knowledge, personal growth, and insight from her childhood experiences and subsequent recovery work.

      Diane holds a Master of Science degree in Information Technology and a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology. She’s worked in numerous fields, including domestic violence and abuse, and is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer about family dysfunction. On The Toolbox, she writes about recovery strategies from hurtful people and painful, dysfunctional, or toxic relationships. She has authored four transformational books about healing and moving forward from narcissistic Victim Syndrome.

      Visit her author’s site here: DianeMetcalf.com

      Learn about the Lemon Moms series here: Lemon Moms

      This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

       

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      Reading time: 4 min
      Boundaries•C-PTSD•Narcissism•Trauma

      The Adverse Childhood Experiences Quiz

      girl and teddy bear
      November 12, 2019 by Diane M. Metcalf, MS No Comments

      What are Adverse Childhood Experiences?

      There’s a lot of discussion in the Education field about “Adverse Childhood Experiences.” Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) are particular traumatic events that occur during childhood before the age of 18. When children experience trauma and educators understand its impact, trauma-informed interventions can be developed, which reduces the resulting negative consequences. Communities have also become involved in decreasing ACEs, preventing abuse and mistreatment, and creating more positive outcomes for children and their families (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 2016).​

      Childhood trauma research conducted in the 1990s discovered a connection between the number of Adverse Childhood Experiences one has and the number of adverse outcomes they experience as adults. These resulting negative results included physical health, medical issues, mental illness, addiction, and risk-taking behaviors. The original ACE Study was conducted from 1995 to 1997 by Kaiser Permanente with two waves of data collection from over 17,000 HMO members. The study found that experiencing a traumatic childhood not only significantly impacts the probability that the individual will suffer from future health issues, but indicates a higher likelihood of further adult victimization as well.

      The data collection questionnaire used for gathering the ACE data is known as the “Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) quiz,” and the score is the total count of specific indicators of a turbulent childhood. The harsher the childhood, the higher the score, and the higher the risk for health and other problems later on, including risk-taking behaviors, chronic health conditions, mental illness, substance abuse, decreased or limited life-potential, and early death (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 2019).

      Why are Adverse Childhood Experiences important?

      Adverse Childhood Experiences are the environmental influences that challenge a child’s sense of safety, stability, and attachment. They include but are not limited to physical and verbal abuse, neglect, addiction, alcoholism, mental illness, and violence.

      The data collection questionnaire used for gathering the ACE data is known as the “Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) quiz,” and the score is the total count of specific indicators of a turbulent childhood. The harsher the childhood, the higher the score, and the higher the risk for health and other problems later in life such as risk-taking behaviors, chronic health conditions, mental illness, substance abuse, decreased or limited life-potential, and early death (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 2019).

      broken-heart-150x150 The Adverse Childhood Experiences Quiz

      The ACE quiz measures 10 types of childhood trauma, five of which are personal: physical, verbal, and sexual abuse, and physical or emotional neglect. The remaining five are related to family members, for example, an alcoholic parent, family member affected by domestic violence, incarcerated family member,  mentally ill family member, or living in a  single-parent household due to divorce, death, or abandonment. There are many kinds of childhood trauma, but only 10  are included in the ACE quiz because they were the most frequently mentioned by the members of the research group.

      Each kind of traumatic experience scores one point. For example, a person who’s been verbally abused and has one mentally ill parent, and lives in a single-parent home has an ACE score of three.

      If other types of abuse or neglect were experienced, including extended periods of toxic stress, those would also increase the likelihood of compromised health in adulthood.

      The ACE score is only a guideline. Positive childhood experiences can protect against many of the adverse outcomes, even after the trauma has occurred. (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention 2016). Some people who have high ACE scores, including myself, can recover and do well as adults. Resilience, a subject of ongoing research, is thought to be a key component to recovery.

      Where can I take the ACE quiz?

      If you’re interested in taking the Adverse Childhood Experiences quiz, you’ll find it here.

      Tools:

      Conscious awareness:  Be aware and make conscious choices before acting. Self-awareness releases us from making impulsive and potentially damaging decisions.

      Self-care: We can only choose to focus on and be responsible for ourselves, our own thoughts, actions, and behavior. The good news is that we can change ourselves with patience, persistence, and practice. We can take responsibility for getting our needs met, instead of waiting for someone to change or meet our needs for us. We are in control of ourselves and no one is responsible for us but us.

      Set boundaries 

      Understand the abuse cycle

      Learn about codependency

      Learn about letting go of what you can’t control, by using loving-detachment

      Learn about expectations

      More Resources You May Like:

      2-1024x1024 The Adverse Childhood Experiences Quiz

      I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self

      A Workbook and Journal

      How to write the highest vibrating, most powerful affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things

      Sold worldwide in any bookstore.

      Quick links:

      Barnes and Noble
      Amazon
      Walmart
      Author Site

      Join the Free Email Survival Course:

      Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward

      from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.

      Private Facebook group included for members only.

      Register Here!
      Free 8-week email Survival Course

        I respect your privacy. Unsubscribe at anytime.

        There’s an app for that!

        Get THE TOOLBOX APP

        for instant information, support, and validation!

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        The Lemon Moms Series:

        B&N
        Kindle
        Audible
        Amazon
        Nook
        Google
        Apple

        Available formats: eBook, audiobook, hardcover, paperback, and large print too!

        All are available worldwide at your favorite bookstore!

        If not stocked, store copies may be ordered through the global distributor, IngramSpark.

        For ordering through Amazon in the US and other countries:

        Amazon US, Amazon UK,  Amazon Germany, Amazon France, Amazon Italy, Amazon Japan, Amazon Canada, Amazon Australia, Amazon Netherlands, Amazon Spain

        In the US? No Amazon Prime? Buy directly from the author to

        GET FREE SHIPPING (U.S.)

        Get the TOOLBOX articles twice monthly to your inbox!

        Your Free Gift:
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          About the Author

          Facetune_06-05-2021-18-24-57 The Adverse Childhood Experiences Quiz

          As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping skills and healing strategies for herself. She happily shares those with others who want to learn and grow. 

          Her Lemon Moms series and other books and articles are a combination of her education, knowledge, personal growth, and insight from her childhood experiences and subsequent recovery work.

          Diane holds a Master of Science degree in Information Technology and a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology. She’s worked in numerous fields, including domestic violence and abuse, and is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer about family dysfunction. On The Toolbox, she writes about recovery strategies from hurtful people and painful, dysfunctional, or toxic relationships. She has authored four transformational books about healing and moving forward from narcissistic Victim Syndrome.

          Visit her author’s site here: DianeMetcalf.com

          Learn about the Lemon Moms series here: Lemon Moms

          This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

           

          Read more

          Please share!

          Reading time: 3 min
          C-PTSD•Codependency•Cognitive Dissonance•Self Care•Self-talk

          The Toolbox

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          February 11, 2019 by Diane Metcalf, MS No Comments

          We all have emotional “needs” and everyone’s emotional needs are unique to them. These needs change on a daily basis, depending on our physical state, thoughts, and experiences. Because of this, each of us would benefit from owning a ready-made set of coping skills to help us deal with life’s emotional ups and downs. Having such a skill-set would allow us to effectively and efficiently deal with the daily emotional, physical and spiritual challenges, (as well as the emotionally provoking encounters) that we all face.

          Some of us learned our current coping skills when we were children, acquiring them from our parents, friends, relatives, and teachers. Some of us learned only a few or not enough of these coping mechanisms to equip us properly in adulthood. Sometimes we’ve even learned negative coping skills that do us more harm than good, such as using drugs, “stuffing” down our feelings, being physically aggressive or saying words that belittle or humiliate.

          Healthy coping mechanisms help us make sense of confusing or threatening life experiences. They help us to respond appropriately in healthy ways. You’ve heard the saying “when life gives you lemons, make lemonade”? Well, that’s a coping skill: taking something negative and turning it into a positive. But in reality, nothing actually changes except how we view and handle the incident. In other words, life has still given us lemons. Instead of getting angry or depressed, feeling slighted or misunderstood, or letting it ruin our day, we can choose to look at it another way. We can see it as an opportunity to re-frame what happened and experience it in a way that feels better. We make lemonade.

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          Our coping skillset needs to adjust and adapt throughout the day, every day. That’s why we continually learn and rely on new ways of coping!

          This toolbox blog will teach how to take potentially hurtful life experiences and view them in a healthier, more positive perspective. Without healthy coping skills, our perception of the world could become quite negative, and cause us to misinterpret accidents and intentions. We could easily become those people who see the drinking-glass as “half-empty” rather than “half-full”. That doesn’t sound like an enjoyable way to live, and I’m all for choosing “half-full.”

          The great thing about coping skills is that anyone can learn new ones. It’s never too late! New coping techniques can be learned and improved at any age.  In this blog, I’ll refer to coping skills as our “emotional toolbox”. I like that analogy because I like the idea of having equipment or “gear” on board that I can pull out and use any time I need to.

          We’ll use our toolboxes every day, all day long. When things get difficult or go wrong, we’ll have tools for handling whatever it is. Having a toolbox will help us handle difficult people, crises, toxic situations, unexpected events, personal and interpersonal problems, conflict and other life stressors.

          Every article in this blog contains a tool or a set of tools. The tools are listed at the end of each post and you can add them to your own personal toolbox. Practice using them whenever life gives the opportunity!

          Every tool is not for everybody. You don’t have to try every tool and you probably shouldn’t. Just go with your intuition when you’re trying to figure out if a tool might be helpful to you or not. Take the ones you’d like to try. Come back for more if you need to.

          This is a safe space for learning, growing and helping each other. Please feel free to leave kind and constructive comments or feedback. Share some tools too if you’ve used them and they’ve helped you. 🙂

          Here’s to all of our continued emotional growth and prosperity!

          Tools:

          Learn How to Recognize a Narcissist

          Understand the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle

          Learn about the Gray Rock technique

          Learn to set boundaries 

          Learn about dysfunctional family roles

          Understand trauma bonds

          Learn about codependency and maladaptive coping skills

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            More resources for healing from childhood trauma, abuse or neglect:

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            Books by Diane Metcalf-Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism, the Lemon Moms Companion Workbook, and Lemon Moms: Life Altering Affirmations, Change Your Self-talk, Change YourSELF. Available on Amazon and wherever books are sold. (Kindle, paperback, audiobook.)

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            About the author

            DIane-Amazon-profile-150x150 The Toolbox

            As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf has developed strong coping skills and healing strategies. She happily shares those insights with others who want to learn and recover. 

            Her books and articles are the results of her education, knowledge, and personal insight regarding her own abusive experiences and subsequent recovery work. She is no longer a practicing Social Worker, Counselor, Program Manager or Advocate, nor is she or has she ever been a licensed psychologist.

            Diane is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer on the topics of domestic violence, abuse, and family dysfunction. Currently, she writes about toxic relationships and recovery tools. Diane holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and has worked in numerous fields, including domestic violence and abuse. She also holds a Master of Science degree in Information Technology.

            Currently, Diane runs her own website design company, Image and Aspect, and writes articles and tutorials for Tips and Snips, her inspirational blog for creative people. She continues to learn and write about Emotional Healing.

            This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

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