I wasn’t able to lovingly detach until I learned about codependent behavior and setting healthy boundaries. Even after becoming familiar with it, exercising loving detachment was anxiety-provoking because it was outside my comfort zone. So I decided that to get comfortable with it, I would take any appropriate opportunity to lovingly detach when one presented itself.

Working on self-care isn’t important when we’re codependent, but eventually, I became comfortable with using loving detachment as a form of my own self-care. 

Paradigm Shift

When we establish healthy practices (such as boundary setting) in our daily lives, we begin developing healthy new perspectives and attitudes. We start feeling a little differently about ourselves and others. We may see ourselves as autonomous individuals for the very first time. We may see separateness and uniqueness as positive and valuable attributes. We start recognizing our personal strengths and using our personal power. We tentatively believe that we’re not responsible for other peoples feelings or for fixing their problems. We learn that we have our own needs and that our lives matter. We acknowledge that isolation isn’t good for us and that “connection” requires proactive behavior, like reaching out. We start trusting and become more willing to be let ourselves be vulnerable. We begin taking emotional risks and sharing our private stories.

If you’re familiar with The Toolbox blog, or if you’ve been actively engaged in personal growth, recovery or healing work, then you’re already familiar with concepts like codependency, boundaries, isolation, self-care, mind-reading, and expectations.

And all of those bring us to the concept of “Loving Detachment.”

“Detachment” sounds negative, doesn’t it? And how can detaching from a person possibly be a “loving” thing? If you’re confused, don’t worry. I was too.

Let me start by telling you what loving detachment is not.

Loving detachment isn’t mean, harsh or selfish. It’s not an “either/or” mentality; it’s not yes we’re doing it today and no we’re not doing it tomorrow. It’s not something that we turn on and off. It’s a way of “being.”

It isn’t aggressive, rather it’s compassionate and kind.

Loving detachment is a type of healthy boundary. 

Detachment Styles

The kinds of detachment I’ve outlined here are taken directly from conversations I’ve had and from my own experiences. I’m sure there are types of detachment that I haven’t experienced and that I don’t know about, so this is not an exhaustive list. If you have experience with a detachment style that I haven’t mentioned, I’d love to hear from you about your experience.

There are several theories out there about various detachment-styles, but I’m not going to use those here.

Instead, let’s see if we’ve used any of the following four detachment styles with our qualifying person.

Numbing detachment

When we numb ourselves to avoid feeling pain, we usually do it by using something to assist us in “shutting down” emotionally. “Numbing”  includes “escapism” and using avoidance-behaviors. Numbing-out involves distracting ourselves with activities like cleaning, reading, social media, binge-watching TV, or immersing ourselves in church, school, eating, drinking, shopping, or community service.

None of these activities are wrong or hurtful, yet they can be used maladaptively. When we use numbing behaviors we’re not intentionally trying to be mean or hurtful, but it can happen. Numbing-out is all about protecting ourselves but if we’re not careful, it could hurt others.  

Pretty much any activity can be used to distract, escape, avoid and numb. When we want to immerse ourselves in an activity, let’s remember to take a look at our motives and see if we’re actually avoiding or numbing. Is the activity a way for us to evade a person, painful circumstance or memory?

Angry detachment

First of all, it’s important to understand that anger is a secondary emotion. There’s always a primary emotion felt before anger is felt, and that first emotion triggers the anger. It’s so fleeting that oftentimes we don’t even notice that first emotion. For example, if I suddenly become angry at someone because I feel they disrespected me, more than likely the anger I feel was triggered by a primary feeling of unimportance. The feeling of unimportance is the emotional “trigger.”

So angry detachment is a reaction to a trigger. When we detach in anger, we often feel like saying something nasty or hurtful, or we feel like doing something destructive or vengeful. Sometimes we actually take those actions rather than just feel them.

Angry detaching feels like an attempt to control. It feels like it’s the “last straw”. It’s when we realize that our former attempts at controlling or manipulating aren’t working.

It has a punishing vibe to it. “We’ll show THEM!” Outwardly we give the appearance of being emotionally detached because we make ourselves unavailable; we physically or emotionally “walk away”, we don’t take their calls or respond to texts. We may even actively ignore the person when they’re nearby.

But inwardly we continue worrying, thinking, and obsessing about them or their behavior. We know what’s going on in their lives because we talk to others who know them or we stalk social media. We haven’t really detached. We’re punishing and manipulating them with our anger and silence, but because we’re not interacting with them, it feels like detachment.

Apathetic detachment

Apathy (or indifference) involves suppressing all feelings of interest or concern, and it takes the idea of detachment to an extreme. When we’ve detached with apathy, we no longer acknowledge the person at all. It’s as if they don’t exist! We couldn’t care less about them and we don’t want to hear about or have anything to do with them.  

A therapist friend once asked me  “what is the opposite of love?” and I responded “hate.”  He replied “most people would agree with you, but no. The opposite of love is indifference.” Mic drop. Boom.

Using apathy or indifference as a way of detaching is maladaptive and it can cause irreparable damage to a relationship. In fact, the degree to which indifference exists in a marriage can accurately predict the probability of divorce.

Loving detachment

When we emotionally distance ourselves from a situation and it’s consequences with the understanding that the person is entitled to make their own choices and deal with the consequences, we’re lovingly detaching. With loving detachment, we take the focus off them and put it on ourselves. We feel compassion for the person but we focus on ourselves and we feel at peace about whatever happens next. 

Loving detachment is judgment-free and it allows us to intellectually, emotionally and compassionately separate the person from their behavior. It means that we understand that the person and the behavior are two separate things. We can choose to love the person and feel compassion for them while simultaneously despising their behavior. We emotionally or physically distance ourselves from their behavior not to punish or control them, but as a demonstration of self-care. 

As with boundary-setting, there is no need to discuss your intent to detach or to get permission, and they do not need to agree to it. Sharing your intent to detach with them may remove punitive overtones and it’s a respectful thing to do, but it’s not necessary. Whether you inform or not is up to you. But if you choose to inform, remember that it’s just that: information. It’s not a threat or an ultimatum issued as an attempt to gain control. Remember to check your motives when informing your person about your intent to detach.

Why Me?

You may be asking “But why do I need to be the one to do all this work? Why can’t THEY just change or shape-up or get-their-act-together?”  Well, that would be great if it happened, wouldn’t it? If they would just change their behavior and do what we want or expect, our lives would be so much nicer, right?

But, as we’ve probably figured out, that’s not the way it works.

We can’t control other people. The way their behavior affects us isn’t about THEM, it’s about ourselves. Take a pause to think about that for a minute. This is about us. It’s about controlling our own choices.

When I feel the need to detach, I find it helpful to accept and validate myself first, including my thoughts and my feelings. Then I commit to maintaining my focus and productivity by concentrating on only myself and my life.  Doing these puts me in the right frame of mind to lovingly detach. There’s no anger, no fear, no need to go numb or to become indifferent. It’s like what my teacher-friends say to their students: “Keep your eyes on your own paper.” I commit to keeping my eyes on my own needs, my own life, focusing on my own work. Easy-peasy. I can do this.

When we view it from this perspective, it’s clear that loving detachment is not  “running away.” Loving detachment is more like “running towards”. When we use loving detachment we are running to ourselves. 

We are separate and whole

Lovingly detaching reminds us that we’re separate people in our own right, with our own likes, needs, feelings, desires, and goals and that we have choices and consequences of our own. It reminds us that we’re not responsible for fixing another person’s feelings or problems. 

In each of the above detachment scenarios, the end result is always the same for us: we emotionally or physically “walk away”; we remove ourselves from the situation. 

The difference between these scenarios is how we feel after we walk. Of the four, loving detachment is the only one that leaves us at peace, no matter what the other person is feeling, doing, or what happens next. 

Detaching this way allows us to drop our need to control the outcome. Shifting the attention to our own lives allows us to focus on our needs, wants, feelings and goals while providing that same opportunity to the other person. (See codependency)  

Tools

• Learn how to set boundaries
• Pause to think.
• Respond rather than react. (Homework: look up the difference and try responding instead of reacting the next time you have the opportunity. See how it feels)
• Practice “Live and let live” and “Not my circus not my clowns.” We can allow others the dignity of making their own (good or bad) decisions and then let them experience the consequences of their choices. When we mind our own business, we are free from the responsibility of rescuing other people.
• How important is this really? A shift in our perspective can help us determine what’s most valuable to us so we don’t get upset over things that aren’t as important.
• Identify your codependent thoughts and behaviors
• Don’t play the game. Drop your end of the tug-of-war rope. There’s no tug-of-war if there isn’t someone pulling on each end.
• Use your voice. Say what you mean and mean what you say. 
• Know when something is your responsibility & when it’s not. Say it nicely, say it with firmness. “No, I’m sorry I can’t do that” or “No, that’s actually something you should be doing for yourself”
• Remind yourself that you’re worthy of being fair to yourself. 
• Remember- “I’m in control of me”. We can choose to focus on and be responsible for ourselves, our thoughts, actions, and behavior. We can change ourselves with patience, persistence, and practice. We can take responsibility for getting our needs met, instead of waiting for someone to change or to meet our needs for us. We are in control of ourselves and no one is responsible for us but us.
• Remember: “We don’t have to attend every argument to which we’re invited.”

About the author

Diane Metcalf earned her Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology in 1982 and a Master of Science in Information Technology in 2013.

She has held Social Worker, Counselor and Managerial Positions in the fields of Domestic Violence and Abuse, Geriatric Healthcare, Developmental Disabilities, and Reproductive Health. She is an experienced Advocate and Speaker on the topics of Domestic Violence and Abuse and has been a guest on Lockport Community Television (LCTV), sharing her knowledge and experience regarding Domestic Abuse with the local community. In addition, she experienced Maternal Narcissistic Abuse and has been involved in other toxic relationships. She purposefully learned (and continues to learn) appropriate coping skills and strategies to live happily. She shares those insights here.

Her books and articles are the results of her education, knowledge, and personal insight regarding her own abusive experiences and subsequent recovery work. She is no longer a practicing Social Worker, Counselor, Program Manager or Advocate, nor is she or has she ever been a licensed psychologist.

Currently, Diane runs her own website design company, Image and Aspect, and writes articles and tutorials for Tips and Snips, her inspirational blog for creative people. She continues to learn and write about Emotional Healing.

This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

“No” is a boundary. “No” is a choice. Saying “no I won’t do that” or “I will no longer tolerate ___________” is a way to honor our true feelings.

Saying yes to something when we want to say no can make us feel resentful, used, angry. When we’re co-dependent, we often say “yes” when we want to say “no”, or we say “no” when we really want to say “yes.” But why do we do this?  I think it’s because we’re afraid.  We’re afraid we’ll need to justify saying no or have to explain why we’re saying it. But really, an explanation is not required. It’s actually enough to just say “no.” 

“No” is a complete sentence.

We want to be liked and needed and we’re afraid of losing that. Sometimes we say yes instead of no because we depend on others for a sense of approval or for a sense of identity. We don’t want to lose that. Sometimes we need or want validation. Sometimes we depend on external validation because we haven’t learned to validate ourselves yet. (That’s a discussion for another time.)

We can say “no” with love & compassion. It doesn’t have to be mean. 

“No” is a very clear choice. It’s not negative. It’s an affirmation of our integrity and beliefs. 

It’s important when we’re healing to start saying what we mean and meaning what we say. Your “yes” is stronger and more meaningful if you say “no” now and then. 

We are in control of where to draw the line & how to articulate where we stand. Doing this empowers us. 

Why it’s important to have personal boundaries

I’ve read that it’s far better to use an “assertive no” rather than a “submissive yes.” Think about that.

We lose a part of ourselves when we say yes but want to say no and when we say no but want to say yes. We are people-pleasing then, and we’re not saying what we mean and meaning what we say. We lose our integrity. It’s too high a price to pay. Be true to yourself and say what you mean.  Setting boundaries is a method of showing our integrity. Healthy boundaries help us set limits that protect and empower us. 

Boundaries pertain to “me” and my behavior, rather than to others. They are under my control. I base my personal boundaries on “what I need” to maintain my personal safety, emotional stability, and mental health. 

Boundaries are not intended to be a way to control others. They’re not meant to change another person’s behavior. They’re a way to have personal limits for ourselves. They’re not emotional, they’re facts.

Boundaries protect us from another’s destructive behavior or from engaging in activities that we don’t want to be involved in. Setting healthy boundaries is a form of self-care and self-empowerment.

WE get to determine what’s acceptable to us and what’s not. 

Boundaries are not a “do this or else” kind of statement. They are not a threat regarding someone else’s behavior. Enforcing a boundary is not meant to be a way to manipulate or control others. Rather, a boundary is where we “draw the line.” It means you’ve thought about which of their behaviors are acceptable to you and which ones are not.

How to set healthy boundaries

Setting a boundary requires four things:

1. Acknowledging that you have a specific physical or emotional need that will help you feel happy, safe, healthy, loved, understood, etc.
2. Acknowledging someone’s behavior that’s directly related to or challenges this need. (This is going to be the boundary.)
3. Setting consequences. This is the action you will take when the boundary is broken. When that line is crossed you will need to know ahead of time what you’ll do and be prepared to do it.
4. Possibly informing about the new boundary by stating the above three items. Informing is a choice that you do not have to take. More about that below.

A word about consequences

The consequence (the action that you take) is taken by you to protect yourself or to take you out of a situation.

By following through with the consequence, you’ll be letting the situation play out without you. This is because setting a boundary means we will no longer engage with unacceptable behavior. We choose to lay down our end of the tug-of-war rope and we do something else. What the other person does next is their choice. And the consequences of that choice are theirs too.

We follow through with our stated consequences, understanding that we have no control over what happens next after we take ourselves out of the situation. AND we accept that no matter what happens, we’ll be OK and we won’t step back in to take control. This is the really scary part, because OF COURSE what happens next could affect you.

This fear can make us want to give up the idea of setting boundaries and just remain co-dependent.

The benefits of setting boundaries

To me, having personal boundaries is another form of exercising something called “loving detachment“: meaning that I’m staying in my own personal space regardless of what’s going on around me. I’m not trying to control others and I’m not taking responsibility for their choices. By setting boundaries, I’m consciously and lovingly letting others deal with the consequences of their choices, even if it’s uncomfortable for them. Even if it costs them money, relationships or jobs. There’s definitely a degree of “tough love” involved in setting and enforcing boundaries.

Boundaries are not something that you negotiate about with anyone. No one can determine your boundaries but you, simply because they’re part of your self-care! No one knows what’s best for you more than you do. You don’t need someone’s permission to set a boundary and you don’t need them to approve of it, allow it or agree to it. BOUNDARIES ARE NOT ABOUT ANYONE BUT YOU. THEY ARE TO TAKE CARE OF YOU.

It’s about choices

Boundaries are not threats or ultimatums:

For example:

“You’d better not do —— ever again or else!”

Instead, a healthy boundary would be more like:

“If you choose to do that then I’ll do this_____. “

It’s about giving someone choices for their behavior rather than taking choices away from them. If your boundary leaves someone with the ability to choose, then it’s probably a healthy boundary. If your boundary takes away their choices except for one, then it’s probably more of an ultimatum or a threat, not a boundary. Keep in mind that the choices you’re leaving them include the THING that you don’t want them to do. The thing that means you’ll enforce the consequences. That’s OK. Just be aware that they may test you to see if you’re serious. Always follow through with the consequences.

To set healthy boundaries, you must understand where you end and others begin. It’s also necessary to have healthy self-worth and self-confidence or to at least be actively engaged in improving those.

Acknowledge what you need

Start by asking yourself:

What do I need, separately, from other people?

This one can be tough. Take the time to explore this over a period of time. Do you need to get to bed earlier than your partner? Do you need quiet time for whatever reason away from your kids every day? Do you need a particular medication or supplement? Do you need to eat or not eat certain things? Does something that a person does or says make you uncomfortable? Does their behavior make you feel emotionally or physically unsafe? Do they regularly disrespect you or say things that are hurtful? Think about people or situations that you would avoid if you could and ask yourself why. If you could change anything, what would it be? Ask yourself: what’s my motivation for setting this boundary?  I’m guessing that your answer is something along the lines of “I want him to stop doing ______” or “I want her to stop treating me like  ________.”

OK. That’s great. Now, because we can’t control other peoples thoughts or behavior, we have to reframe this a bit.

Examples of Healthy Boundaries

We can’t make him stop doing _______ and we can’t make her treat you differently. So what CAN we do? We can change what happens if and when they do those things. We can change the outcome for ourselves. We don’t have to stand there and accept unacceptable behavior. This is self-care.

For example,

NEED: I need to feel safe.

The RELATED BEHAVIOR: I don’t feel safe when he _______.

Reality: I can’t control whether he does ________ or not, but I can control ME. So, an appropriate boundary could be something like this:

BOUNDARY: If he does _______,

CONSEQUENCE: then I will do this:

1. Walk away

2. Go to a different room

3. Hang up

4. Call someone

5. Leave

6. Take a taxi

7. etc.

If you want to INFORM him: Say something like: “I need to feel safe when I’m with you. I don’t feel safe when you drink and drive. If you drink and choose to drive (boundary) I will call an Uber for myself. (consequence)

Another example:

WANT: I want to maintain my positive feelings about my sisters

The RELATED BEHAVIOR: When mother starts talking negatively about my sisters….

CONSEQUENCE: then I will do this:

1. Change the subject
2. End the conversation and hang up

If you want to INFORM her: Say something like: “I need to feel good about my relationship with my sisters. I don’t like hearing negative, critical and judgemental things about them. If you talk smack about my girls (boundary) I will change the subject or end our conversation (consequence).

Do you see the difference between simply putting up an emotional wall/avoiding certain people/trying to control another’s behavior, and setting a boundary to take care of yourself? Think about the difference. It’s huge.

After you’ve developed a boundary, ask yourself:

Does the boundary take care of me?

Am I trying to control the person’s behavior or am I trying to take care of myself? Is my “boundary” more of a threat or ultimatum?

A healthy boundary should give the other person the ability to make choices. If they are not left with any choice or have only one “choice”, then it’s not a healthy boundary.

To inform them or not

As shown above, the final step you may want to include after you’ve set a boundary, is to inform the people involved. You don’t have to inform, especially if you think doing so will make your boundary to be taken as a challenge. I would say “do not inform” if you think the person will break the boundary just to test you. Do not inform if you think it will provoke an argument or put you in danger. You will carry out your boundary and the consequences, and the person will learn that the boundary exists that way.

However, if you want to inform, you will choose the right time, and simply state your boundary and the consequences, that’s it.  As uncomfortable as it might be to state and enforce a boundary, you may still want to do it as a way of expressing your expectations.

Informing others of your new boundaries can feel scary or intimidating. It doesn’t have to be a lengthy or painful conversation. In fact, I believe that “stating the facts” is all that’s required. You do not need to justify, answer questions or deal with drama. If a tug-of-war is offered, you are not required to engage. Drop your end of the tug-of-war rope and do something else.

Whether you inform or carry out the boundary and consequences without informing, the choice is up to you. I would suggest being very comfortable with the consequences, and know without a doubt that you can carry them out.

Putting it together: Needs, Boundary, Consequence

1. State your need.
2. State your boundary.
3. State the consequence.
4. Inform them or not

Setting boundaries can feel so scary that sometimes we avoid doing it. Start with just one and see how it goes. It takes practice to set boundaries, especially if we haven’t learned how to do it when we were children or if we’ve never seen healthy boundaries in action. Sometimes the boundaries we set, or their consequences, will need to be tweaked or adjusted so they work better. That’s absolutely OK! Just make sure that whatever your consequence is, that you will absolutely be able to carry it out. If we back down and don’t enforce our own boundaries, we can end up feeling defeated or resentful or weak. If we don’t enforce our own boundaries, we’re sending the message that we’re not serious! If you don’t feel you can carry out the consequence, you need to re-think the consequence and create a new one.

What to do when your boundaries are challenged or rejected

This can be tricky. Dealing with someone who’s challenging us or daring us to enforce our boundaries requires us to feel a high degree of self-worth, self-esteem, and self-confidence, or at least for us to be actively working on those things. We’ll need to be able to respond with something like “I understand that you don’t like this (boundary). It’s absolutely something I need and intend to do for myself.”

Sometimes people can be hurtful, critical or judgemental when we start setting and enforcing boundaries. They’re not used to it and they don’t like it. In the spirit of loving detachment, that’s all OK. They don’t have to like it. Whether they like it or not has nothing to do with you or taking care of yourself. So when someone challenges your boundary, remind yourself that you can do hard things. You do hard things every day and you’ve been doing hard things all your life. This is no different.

When they challenge the boundary, you re-state your want/need, the boundary and the consequence. If they go ahead and cross that line anyway, then you go ahead and carry out the consequences.

Tools: 

• Pause. Take time to think. Don’t respond right away. Say something like:”I’m going to need to think about that”, or “I’ll get back to you on that.” 
• Practice saying yes and no to real or imaginary questions. 
• Know when something is your responsibility & when it’s not. Say it nicely, say it with firmness. “No, that’s actually something you should be doing for yourself”.
• Remind yourself that you’re worthy of setting that boundary and that you’re worthy of being fair to yourself. 
• Pay attention to the physical sensations in your body when you think about saying yes or no and then do the thing that honors your body. 
• What are some other things I can say when I don’t want to say yes but I’m uncomfortable saying no? Possible replies:
  • “ I appreciate you asking but no that’s not something I can do”.“
  • “No, I can’t do that but here’s what I can do”
  • “No, but is there something else I could do to help?”
  • “At this time in my life no, I’m sorry I can’t do it” 
  • “No, thank you”
  • “Count me out”
  • “I’ll get back to you”  

You may also like these resources:

The Journey

What are expectations?

Codependency

Understand the Cycle of Abuse

About the author

Diane Metcalf earned her Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology in 1982 and a Master of Science in Information Technology in 2013.

She has held Social Worker, Counselor and Managerial Positions in the fields of Domestic Violence and Abuse, Geriatric Healthcare, Developmental Disabilities, and Reproductive Health. She is an experienced Advocate and Speaker on the topics of Domestic Violence and Abuse and has been a guest on Lockport Community Television (LCTV), sharing her knowledge and experience regarding Domestic Abuse with the local community. In addition, she experienced Maternal Narcissistic Abuse and has been involved in other toxic relationships. She purposefully learned (and continues to learn) appropriate coping skills and strategies to live happily. She shares those insights here.

Her books and articles are the results of her education, knowledge, and personal insight regarding her own abusive experiences and subsequent recovery work. She is no longer a practicing Social Worker, Counselor, Program Manager or Advocate, nor is she or has she ever been a licensed psychologist.

Currently, Diane runs her own website design company, Image and Aspect, and writes articles and tutorials for Tips and Snips, her inspirational blog for creative people. She continues to learn and write about Emotional Healing.

This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.