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Browsing Tag
cognitive dissonance
C-PTSD•Cognitive Dissonance•Gaslighting

Understanding Cognitive Dissonance

cognitive dissonance and gaslighting
April 4, 2022 by Diane M. Metcalf, MS No Comments

Cognitive dissonance is a type of mental stress that results from struggling to correct that surreal feeling between what we know to be real, and what we are told is real. It is the component of gaslighting that is the biggest cause of C-PTSD. Cognitive dissonance is the confusion and mental discomfort you experience when you live with contradictory beliefs, ideas, or values. It indicates a state of living with continually opposing or conflicting viewpoints, beliefs, or behaviors. It’s usually the result of manipulation, and specifically of gaslighting. To restore emotional balance, the affected person must change (or remove) the inconsistencies and conflicts. Most of us do this on an ongoing basis, without conscious awareness.​

Quick Document Links:

  • Cognitive dissonance has a dark side, and it’s harmful
  • Self gaslighting
  • How cognitive dissonance is resolved
  • Tools for Healing

If you grew up in a narcissistic home you’ve probably experienced cognitive dissonance and have felt the resulting and ongoing confusion. Human beings weren’t meant to continually live in a state of confusion. Not knowing what to believe, what to expect, and not being able to trust our feelings, judgment, or senses is overwhelming and painful. Our natural state of “being” requires that our thoughts and interactions make sense because we need stability and security to be emotionally healthy and balanced. When we feel doubtful of our reality, or are so fearful of making a decision that we’re emotionally paralyzed, it may be the result of cognitive dissonance.

Although it doesn’t sound like it, some types of cognitive dissonance can be healthy. For example, guilt is a positive and healthy form of cognitive dissonance. Guilt allows us to see the discrepancy between “this is who I say I am, but this is what I did.” We feel guilty when “who we are” and “what we did” are not aligned. This misalignment causes us to feel empathy for the person we wronged. For example, if I believe I’m a gentle, kind, and loving person, and I make a cruel remark to someone, my perception of “who I am” no longer matches “what I did.” A gentle, kind, and loving person would not say mean things. I would be motivated by guilt to apologize to the person I hurt. The cognitive dissonance provided by our guilt drives us to atone for our actions, which is a positive thing.

Cognitive dissonance has a dark side, and it’s harmful

When we’re gaslighted regularly, our level of cognitive dissonance grows, and the more out-of-touch we feel. We’re unsure of what’s real and what’s not, what’s true and what’s not, and we don’t know whether to believe our senses or only to accept what we’re told.​

We all tell ourselves stories. It’s how we make sense of ourselves and our world. Our egos translate our experiences so that they make sense, but doing so while in a state of cognitive dissonance can keep us stuck. To get unstuck, we might choose to accept the best explanation that we can come up with, regardless of whether it’s accurate.​​​​For example, think about the possible explanations that a six-year-old might create, versus a twenty-year-old or a thirty-five-year-old. Youth and immaturity work against us when we’re gaslighted as kids. We’re not experienced or knowledgeable enough to imagine plausible and realistic explanations. At ten, if my best friend doesn’t reach out, I might think it’s because she doesn’t like me anymore. But at thirty, if I haven’t heard from my friend, I might think it’s because she’s busy with life, working, prioritizing self-care, etc. I can choose any number of explanations, and they’ll align with my current self-concept. 

Now, if I formed the belief in childhood that I’m unlovable, and I carried that belief with me into adulthood, my interpretation of others’ behavior will reflect that belief. If I have strong self-esteem, then my interpretation will reflect that. We interpret our reality using these emotional “filters.” It’s important to remember this because our filters can and do change. Our perceptions and interpretations also continually change and develop as we mature physically, intellectually, socially, spiritually, and emotionally.

Remember that “beliefs” are thoughts that have emotions attached to them. Eliminating inaccurate beliefs is a primary key to healing. What thoughts and feelings are still connected to your childhood beliefs? For example, if you were told as a child that you were not smart, then as an adult you may still believe it. You may never have examined that belief to determine if it was really true. Instead, you probably accepted and internalized it as truth and took it with you into adulthood. Now as an adult, you can examine it objectively. Make a list of the feelings, thoughts, and actions that come with that belief and write about them at length. Is the belief still relevant today? Why or why not? Explain. It’s helpful to learn about therapeutic approaches like Tapping (Emotional Freedom Technique,) Neurolinguistic Programming, and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy which can eliminate faulty beliefs and help create healthy new ones. Take time to investigate other methods of changing beliefs. We acquired our beliefs as children. As adults, we get to replace them with ones that serve us.

gaslighting-150x150 Understanding Cognitive Dissonance

Cognitive dissonance is one of the most challenging aspects of healing. Because of gaslighting, we’ve learned to disregard or mistrust our perceptions, judgment, and memory. We may have learned to trust and accept someone else’s interpretation of the world and events and we may now rely on their interpretations, judgment, and perceptions instead of our own.

When you were gaslighted as a child, you probably also received unexpected or inappropriate responses. Your response to the gaslighting may have been determined to be incorrect, unreasonable, or shameful. You may have wondered why you received strange looks causing you to question your actions and words. Now, as an adult, you may be fearful for your mental health, and you’re concerned that you may be losing your mind. You may accept that you’re the illogical one or that you’re mentally ill. Gaslighting often leads to depression, anxiety, helplessness, hopelessness, or exhaustion. If it’s severe, you may feel like your sense of self is “fuzzy” and “reality” feels dreamlike. You probably can’t think clearly and have trouble with problem-solving and making decisions. This is more cognitive dissonance as a result of gaslighting.

I’d often get confused, stressed, and frustrated when my mother denied doing or saying something I’d witnessed. I’d ask, “You’re saying that I didn’t see what I know I just saw?” And she’d reply in an exasperated or dismayed tone of voice, “You dreamt it,” “You imagined it,” or “So-and-so did that, not me.” It shouldn’t surprise you that I grew up to continue that tradition. I excelled at self-gaslighting. When you convince yourself that you didn’t just hear what you know you heard or that you didn’t just see what you know you saw….you are self-gaslighting. We do it to protect ourselves from further trauma.

Self gaslighting

For those of us who’ve experienced gaslighting as children, it likely caused harmful cognitive dissonance and reduced us into confused, uncertain, dependent shadows of our true selves. It robbed us of our ability to think logically, make decisions easily, use sound judgment, and recall accurately. Instead, we doubt ourselves, always second-guessing our thoughts, emotions, and decisions. I believe that gaslighting is the most harmful and destructive form of manipulation because it undermines our whole sense of self and crumbles our stability.

Self-gaslighting also contributes to cognitive dissonance. When we tell ourselves that someone’s actions or behavior was our fault, we’re self-gaslighting. We may convince ourselves that we somehow provoked their hurtful behavior, or we take responsibility for the things they did to hurt us. When we self-gaslight, we not only accept blame, we intentionally place it on ourselves. We lie to ourselves and then spend precious emotional energy, convincing ourselves that we’re not. It’s exhausting. Throughout your healing process, remind yourself not to do that anymore. Be honest with yourself now. Stand up for yourself and become your own advocate. If you won’t, then who will? Tell yourself the truth and stop accepting gaslighting from anybody, including yourself, period. Practice mindfulness to become aware that you’re doing it and stop every time.

Humans have a natural need for their attitudes, beliefs, and behaviors to co-exist peacefully with each other. This is called “cognitive consistency.” Living in a state of cognitive consistency means that we feel stable, relaxed, and secure. For example, if I believe I’m an honest person, and I act accordingly, it means I’ll tell the truth even when it’s uncomfortable or it gets me into trouble. Doing so means I’ll maintain my integrity and my cognitive consistency.

How cognitive dissonance is resolved

Most of us consciously or unconsciously resolve cognitive dissonance by doing one of these three things:

  1. Change our thoughts: Choosing this option means you change your thoughts and beliefs to match those of your narcissistic mom. For example, you accept your mother’s perspective that you lack common sense, rather than continue believing that you have sound judgment. Now you agree with your mother, which eliminates the emotional conflict and cognitive dissonance.
  2. Change our actions: With this approach, you change your behavior, so it matches your beliefs about yourself. Using the above example, you find ways to demonstrate that you actually have sound judgment and common sense. Your actions now match your mindset, eliminating the emotional conflict and cognitive dissonance.
  3. Justify our perceptions: You really do lack common sense and sound judgment, and you rationalize this by minimizing their value and significance. In essence, you trivialize your lack of common sense and sound judgment to eliminate the emotional conflict and cognitive dissonance.

Resolving cognitive dissonance isn’t always done on a conscious level, although we may be aware that we have choices to make. At some point, we’ll use one of the three methods to keep our sanity intact.

Eliminating cognitive dissonance isn’t a “one-and-done” thing. Typically, and speaking from my own experience, we play around with the three possibilities for resolution, trying them on and seeing how they fit and feel. Eventually, we settle on one that suits us best and causes us the least mental and emotional stress.

Because my mother liked to overwrite my perceptions and memories with her own, I heard a lot of, “I never said that,” “You imagined it,” “You dreamt it,” or “It wasn’t me.” I was in a continual state of self-doubt and confusion from her insistence that I perceived and remembered events inaccurately. My ability to make decisions and to trust my own senses was severely negatively impacted. I eventually came to believe that the discrepancies between my own observations and those of my mother were flaws in my memory and perception. I became obsessed with explaining the disparities between what I observed and what I was told I observed. I remained in a state of cognitive dissonance throughout my childhood. If you can relate, I urge you to start your healing journey now and recover from the resulting cognitive dissonance.

Tools for Healing

Conscious awareness: Be aware and make conscious choices before acting. Self-awareness releases us from making impulsive and potentially damaging decisions.

Self-care: We can only choose to focus on and be responsible for ourselves, our own thoughts, actions, and behavior. The good news is that we can change ourselves with patience, persistence, and practice. We can take responsibility for getting our needs met instead of waiting for someone to change or meet our needs for us. We are in control of ourselves, and no one is responsible for us but us.

Practice mindfulness

Learn about codependency

Take the Adverse Childhood Experiences quiz

Learn about Narcissism Awareness Grief

Understand the Abuse Cycle

Learn about letting go of what you can’t control by using positive detachment

Learn about expectations

Learn about setting boundaries

More Resources You May Like:

Visit the TOXIC UNDO for More Healing

Join the Free Email Survival Course:

Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.

Private Facebook group included for members only.

Register Here!
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      About the Author

      Facetune_06-05-2021-18-24-57-150x150 Understanding Cognitive Dissonance

      As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping and healing strategies. She happily shares those with those who want to learn and grow in their own recovery journies. 

      Diane is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer on narcissism, family dysfunction, and abuse. She draws from her personal childhood experiences, as well as her work in human service fields like domestic violence and partner abuse. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.

      Her transformational books about healing and moving forward include the highly praised “Lemon Moms” series. This emotionally supportive collection explains narcissistic traits and teaches how to reconcile past hurts to begin self-nurturing, healing, and moving forward.

      See what’s new on DianeMetcalf.com

      Learn about the Lemon Moms series: Lemon Moms

      This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

      Read more

      Please share!

      Reading time: 10 min
      C-PTSD•Cognitive Dissonance•Scapegoating•Trauma

      What the Silent Treatment Does

      mouth covered by tape
      July 19, 2021 by Diane M. Metcalf, MS No Comments

      Narcissists love the silent treatment. It’s their secret weapon when they want to manipulate and hurt in a big way. Using the silent treatment is a way to inflict pain without causing visible evidence.

      Research shows that when we ignore or exclude someone, it activates the same part of their brain as physical pain does. Narcissists instinctively know that this manipulative technique is extremely hurtful. It’s traumatic to those it’s inflicted upon (Eisenberger et al. 2004).

      Quick Links

      • The Stone Wall
      • Punitive Silence
      • More tools for healing:

      Because I write about narcissistic mothers, I’ll note here that a narcissistic mother gets her sense of self through her children. She needs to protect her self-image and her reputation as a loving, caring mother, so her children are a necessary part of her identity. This is why the silent treatment is so meaningful to her. To a narcissistic mother, when she uses the silent treatment, it’s as if she’s cutting off a very displeasing part of herself and, at the same time, understands how painful it feels to the person she’s shunning. I’ve heard others remark that my mother was the kind of person who would cut off her nose to spite her face. Win at any cost, right?

      The Stone Wall

      The silent treatment is a punishment that consists of “hurt and rescue.” It can continue for months or even years and is often used to teach a lesson or to manipulate behavior (Eisenberger et al. 2004). For those of us who’ve been subjected to this form of abuse, it kept us anxious by triggering our fear of abandonment. (Saeed, K. 2019).

      When I was seventeen, I endured my mother’s silent treatment for a little over three months. She had given me the silent treatment before, and she would again, but this instance lasted the longest. For the entire three months, I was met with stony silence any time I attempted to interact with her. She would not make eye contact with me. There was no acknowledgment that I existed whatsoever.

      I broke our silent relationship now and again, testing to see if she would respond, and each time I was met with cold rejection. The message was loud and clear that she was not finished punishing me, and my attempts were not going to have an effect. It was as if I was invisible. I remember needing affirmation from others that they could see me and that I existed. I felt like I was heading into insanity.

      One day, as mysteriously as the silent treatment had started, it ended. When my mother broke the silence and spoke to me, it was some little unimportant phrase that had no real significance, but it indicated the shunning was over.

      I couldn’t figure out what I had done to offend or anger my mother, to cause her to take such extreme action as the silent treatment. I spent an excessive amount of time obsessing about it, replaying scenarios and conversations repeatedly, looking for the cause. I never found it, and of course, we never discussed what happened. If I was supposed to learn a lesson, I never knew what it was. Maybe the whole thing was nothing more than a show of power, meant to demoralize and unsettle me. It remains a mystery to this day.

      fractured-face What the Silent Treatment Does

      Punitive Silence

      When a person is actively ignored, it causes such psychological and emotional anguish that it can actually be seen on brain scans (Pune Mirror 2019). The silent treatment triggers a fear of abandonment, which is very frightening, but for children like me who’d already been abandoned by one parent, it is unbearable. I was obsessed with thoughts like, “Who will take care of me?” “Will I ever matter?” “Will I ever be safe?” “Will anyone ever love me?”

      The fear of abandonment causes anxiety, worry, sleep loss, and inability to concentrate. Imagine trying to learn in school or study for tests while being actively ignored and rejected by a parent. With every silent treatment, we go deeper into survival mode, and we can experience panic attacks, appetite loss, binge-eating, racing heartbeat, nightmares, depression, confusion, and obsessive thinking. With each, we learn to focus more on our mother’s behavior and her needs. We learn to provide what she needs and wants because we fear we’ll be emotionally or physically abandoned again. The need to please and appease her becomes overblown.

      A narcissistic mom understands that she’ll get away with rejecting and shunning because, as children, we have no choice but to welcome her back when she decides to return to our lives. We need her, after all, and she knows it. When she’s ready to acknowledge us again, we’re so happy, aren’t we?

      The narcissistic mom likes knowing how hurt we are by her silent treatment. Our pain demonstrates to her that she is all-powerful and can devastate us if and when she chooses. It’s a great form of narcissistic supply.

      Every time we go through the silent treatment, we’re diminished. Each time we endure active ignoring, we question our self-worth. Our self-esteem and self-image are further eroded, and our fear of abandonment escalates. Despite our accomplishments, acknowledgments, or friendships, we find ourselves desperate for our mother’s approval, which is, of course, always out of reach. We may come close, but we never quite make it.

      We eventually accept that we aren’t worthy of her love or attention. We settle for any crumbs of affection or attention we can get from her. We learn that we’re somehow inferior and will never be able to please her, although we should continue trying.

      This repeated process is called “trauma bonding” and is another example of the powerful emotional bonds created between abuser and abused. Over time, trauma bonds become very resistant to change, contributing to the development of a codependent relationship.

      More tools for healing:

      Set boundaries 

      Understand the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle

      Learn about codependency

      Let go of what you can’t control using loving-detachment

      Learn about expectations

      Conscious awareness:  Be aware and make conscious choices before acting. Self-awareness releases us from making impulsive and potentially damaging decisions.

      Self-care: We are in control of ourselves and no one is responsible for us but us. We can only choose to focus on and be responsible for ourselves, our own thoughts, actions, and behavior. We can change ourselves with patience, persistence, and practice. When we take responsibility for getting our needs met, instead of waiting for someone to change or meet our needs for us, we are healing.

      More Resources You May Like:

      Visit the TOXIC UNDO for More Healing

      Join the Free Email Survival Course:

      Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.

      Private Facebook group included for members only.

      Register Here!
      Free 8-week email Survival Course

        I respect your privacy. Unsubscribe at anytime.

        Get the TOOLBOX APP

        for instant information, support, and validation!

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        I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self, Workbook and Journal, by Diane Metcalf

        Experience the power of self-affirmation: using positive statements to improve well-being and performance. Learn research-based steps to write the most effective affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things.

        Get it Here:

        Author’s Site: Free Shipping
        Barnes and Noble
        Amazon
        Browse the Positivity Shop

        Get the TOOLBOX posts twice monthly in your inbox!

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          3D-3-book-series What the Silent Treatment Does

          About the Author

          Facetune_06-05-2021-18-24-57-150x150 What the Silent Treatment Does

          As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping and healing strategies. She happily shares those with those who want to learn and grow in their own recovery journies. 

          Diane is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer on narcissism, family dysfunction, and abuse. She draws from her personal childhood experiences, as well as her work in human service fields like domestic violence and partner abuse. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.

          Her transformational books about healing and moving forward include the highly praised “Lemon Moms” series. This emotionally supportive collection explains narcissistic traits and teaches how to reconcile past hurts to begin self-nurturing, healing, and moving forward.

          See what’s new on DianeMetcalf.com

          Learn about the Lemon Moms series: Lemon Moms

          This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

          Read more

          Please share!

          Reading time: 5 min
          Gaslighting•Narcissism•Trauma

          What’s YOUR Superpower?

          superpowers
          July 12, 2020 by Diane Metcalf, MS No Comments

          Developing superpowers as a result of growing up with a toxic person

          Have you ever thought about how someone’s toxicity has affected you?

          I have. If you have too, you might’ve first realized all of the negative ways your life was impacted by someone else’s untreated issues, faulty perceptions, or negativity.

          But what if you turned those around and gave them a positive spin?

          Quick Links

          • Claim your superpowers
          • Tools for healing:

          This list was compiled from responses given in a support group for Scapegoat Adult Children of Narcissists. They were asked the question: What superpowers have you developed because you lived with a mentally ill, dysfunctional, or toxic person?

          superpower What's YOUR Superpower?

          Here are some of the responses these incredible people provided. I hope this list gives you a new sense of personal power and helps you recognize more of what makes you awesome!

          Claim your superpowers

          • Dark sense of humor
          • Able to sense toxic people
          • Able to detect mental illness or something mentally wrong with a person.
          • Able to read body language
          • Able to sense danger
          • Fierce independence
          • Resourcefulness
          • Resilience
          • Psychoanalyze everyone
          • Strong intuition
          • Self-sufficiency
          • Good at pretending to be asleep
          • Self mothering/nurturing
          • Anticipate multiple outcomes and is prepared for almost anything
          • Comfortable being alone
          • Able to tolerate high stress
          • Know when something bad is going to happen
          • Feel other peoples energy
          • Feel calm in an emergency or crisis
          • Able to figure out complicated things
          • Nurturing
          • Patient
          • Able to read micro facial expressions 
          • Able to detect changes in people’s energy
          • Can hone in on certain sounds: keys, footsteps, voices, car engines
          • Move stealthily/silently
          • Become invisible/unnoticeable
          • Able to sneeze, cough and cry silently
          • Good at keeping other’s secrets
          • Empathic
          • Remember every detail of events and conversations because of former gaslighting
          • Great at dealing with angry people
          • Ability to sense a con-artist
          • Great at cleaning
          • Great at anything to do with image: designing, decorating, clothing, accessorizing
          • Great at detecting narcissists
          • Able to hide emotions
          • Able to detect untrustworthy people
          • Able to lie well if needed
          • Able to manipulate others if needed
          • Very discerning
          • Well organized
          • Able to admit when wrong
          • Resourceful
          • Quick thinking
          • Able to escape situations
          • Able to see other’s perspectives
          • Able to manage people
          • Able to emotionally detach
          • Able to tune people out
          • Can switch emotions on and off
          • Adapt to any surroundings
          • Able to dissect a situation in seconds
          • Able to diffuse arguments
          • Good emotional control
          • Cook well, able to make meals out of nothing
          • Outspoken
          • Great self-preservation skills
          • Super observant
          • Deep self-awareness
          • Able to save money for unforeseen trouble
          • Thrive under pressure
          • See the red flags
          • Problem solver
          • PerfectionistIc
          • Successfully sneaky when needed
          • Bionic ears
          • Diplomatic
          • Get along with literally anyone

          What superpowers do YOU have? If you send them to me at Diane@dianemetcalf.com, I’ll add them to this list (anonymously, of course!)

          Tools for healing:

          Conscious awareness: Be aware and make conscious choices before acting. Self-awareness releases us from making impulsive and potentially damaging decisions.

          Understand the Abuse Cycle

          Learn about letting go of what you can’t control, by using positive-detachment

          Learn how expectations can be harmful

          Learn how to set boundaries

          Self-care: We can only choose to focus on and be responsible for ourselves, our own thoughts, actions, and behavior. We can change ourselves with patience, persistence, and practice. We can take responsibility for getting our needs met, instead of waiting for someone to change or meet our needs for us. We are in control of ourselves and no one is responsible for us but us.

          Practice mindfulness

          Learn about codependency and other maladaptive coping skills

          Take the Adverse Childhood Experiences Quiz

          Learn the signs of Narcissism Awareness Grief

          More Resources You May Like:

          Visit the TOXIC UNDO for More Healing

          Join the Free Email Survival Course:

          Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.

          Private Facebook group included for members only.

          Register Here!
          Free 8-week email Survival Course

            I respect your privacy. Unsubscribe at anytime.

            Get the TOOLBOX APP

            for instant information, support, and validation!

            Toolbox-App-on-Website-2 What's YOUR Superpower?
            GOOGLEPLAY-EMBLEM What's YOUR Superpower?
            app-store-logo What's YOUR Superpower?

            2-1024x1024 What's YOUR Superpower?

            I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self, Workbook and Journal, by Diane Metcalf

            Experience the power of self-affirmation: using positive statements to improve well-being and performance. Learn research-based steps to write the most effective affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things.

            Get it Here:

            Author’s Site: Free Shipping
            Barnes and Noble
            Amazon
            Browse the Positivity Shop

            Get the TOOLBOX posts twice monthly in your inbox!

            Sign-up for twice monthly coping and healing strategies right to your inbox!
            ​
            ​
            Your Free Gift:
            An Inner Child Guided Healing Meditation MP3

              We respect your privacy. Unsubscribe at anytime.

              3D-3-book-series What's YOUR Superpower?

              About the Author

              Facetune_06-05-2021-18-24-57-150x150 What's YOUR Superpower?

              As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping and healing strategies. She happily shares those with those who want to learn and grow in their own recovery journies. 

              Diane is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer on narcissism, family dysfunction, and abuse. She draws from her personal childhood experiences, as well as her work in human service fields like domestic violence and partner abuse. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.

              Her transformational books about healing and moving forward include the highly praised “Lemon Moms” series. This emotionally supportive collection explains narcissistic traits and teaches how to reconcile past hurts to begin self-nurturing, healing, and moving forward.

              See what’s new on DianeMetcalf.com

              Learn about the Lemon Moms series: Lemon Moms

              This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

              Read more

              Please share!

              Reading time: 3 min
              C-PTSD•Isolation•Self Care•Trauma

              Need Help Facing Your Fears?

              May 4, 2020 by Diane M. Metcalf, MS No Comments

              I was talking to my daughter about how being stuck at home during the pandemic forced me to face some things about myself and others that I had tried not to acknowledge. I’m not a big avoider, but when it comes to TV and social media, whenever I’m exposed to real conflict, confrontation, or anger, I typically click off. Witnessing people engaged in heated disagreements and the resulting escalating anger, name-calling, and open disrespect makes me very uncomfortable. Conflict and confrontation are emotional triggers. I accepted my avoidance tactics because I understood where they came from. Avoidance and escape are some of my childhood survival mechanisms, and I was OK with that.

              Quick Links

              • The issue
              • Practice makes perfect
              • Have you overcome a personal struggle?
              • More tools

              The issue

              I like data. Databases, writing queries to collect data, and informational reporting are fascinating activities for me. I have a degree in Information Management, and it makes sense that I like information in all its forms; information is my thing. So during the time of self-quarantine, to feel safe, it was essential that I had access to accurate, credible, trustworthy information to help keep my family and me safe and healthy.

              With news shows and social media, many times, “information“ is really an individual’s perspective or opinion. And when others don’t share that point of view, nasty disagreements can result.

              I’m all for having disagreements. There’s nothing wrong with holding a different view or disagreeing with someone. I think sharing and discussing differing viewpoints is healthy and necessary for all of us to learn and grow. But these differences in opinion and perspective can absolutely be voiced in healthy, respectful, and productive ways. My husband and I have differences in opinion, and when that happens, we speak to each other calmly, using respectful tones and demeanor. Often we end up agreeing to disagree. We don’t intentionally hurt each other or try to change the mindset of the other simply because we have differing viewpoints. He’s entitled to his, and I’m entitled to mine. We don’t have to agree on everything. We are individuals.

              Differences in perspective can inspire us to question, listen, and learn something new.

              What’s not healthy is blatant disrespect, refusing to listen, judging, offering non-constructive criticism and unsolicited advice, adopting a closed mind, shouting, and name-calling. When those things happen on news programs or social media, bye-bye, I’m outa there. I don’t feel a need to be part of that chaos.

              You can see how that wouldn’t benefit me in a time of needing and wanting information. I didn’t want only information that aligned with what I already knew or believed; I wanted everything. I wanted to consider other viewpoints and opinions outside of my own and decide for myself which are the most credible or applicable. That meant I had to develop the intestinal fortitude to sit through some of the challenges and emotional triggers I mentioned above.

              Practice makes perfect

              Now I’m not going to sit here and tell you that suddenly I’m extremely comfortable witnessing situations that feel threatening. Nope, not at all.

              What has changed is my willingness to go out of my comfort zone and stay. At least for a while.

              News and social media can absolutely instill fear in some of us more than in others. If you’ve grown up in a scary, threatening, or traumatic home environment as I did, you know what I’m talking about. I purposefully sought out and identified some of my emotional triggers a while ago and intentionally worked to alleviate them. I recognized that viewing inflammatory news and social media content was another opportunity for me to de-sensitize and alleviate that trigger.

              Differences in points of view can inspire us to question, listen, and learn something new.

              Having the opportunity to see issues from another’s point of view, and to learn something new, became more important to me than staying in my comfort zone.​ So I began sitting through the chaos and feeling the triggers, forcing myself to remember that I’m in my home, that I’m an adult, and that I’m safe. Slowly, I began hearing and learning things I wouldn’t have otherwise. My tolerance for witnessing heated differences of opinion eventually increased. Angry arguments between others began to feel less threatening. That, in itself, broadened my perspective. I found myself more willing to sit through what used to feel intimidating or scary. 

              Real life doesn’t happen in a bubble. Sitting through these uncomfortable moments has helped me understand that I’m stronger and more resilient than I realized.

              Have you overcome a personal struggle?

              What have the pandemic and the isolation and quarantining taught you about yourself? What have you learned? If you want to share your experience, go to DianeMetcalf.com/story and tell me about it!

              More tools

              Learn to recognize potentially dangerous people

              Learn about setting boundaries.

              Learn about codependency and other maladaptive coping skills

              Take the Adverse Childhood Experiences Quiz

              Learn about C-PTSD

              Practice ferocious Self-care: We can choose to focus on and be responsible for ourselves, our own thoughts, actions, and behavior. We can take responsibility for getting our needs met instead of waiting for someone to change or meet our needs for us. We are in control of ourselves, and no one is responsible for us but us.

              More Resources You May Like:

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                  About the Author

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                  As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping and healing strategies. She happily shares those with those who want to learn and grow in their own recovery journies. 

                  Diane is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer on narcissism, family dysfunction, and abuse. She draws from her personal childhood experiences, as well as her work in human service fields like domestic violence and partner abuse. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.

                  Her transformational books about healing and moving forward include the highly praised “Lemon Moms” series. This emotionally supportive collection explains narcissistic traits and teaches how to reconcile past hurts to begin self-nurturing, healing, and moving forward.

                  See what’s new on DianeMetcalf.com

                  Learn about the Lemon Moms series: Lemon Moms

                  This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

                  Read more

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                  Reading time: 4 min
                  Anger•C-PTSD•Cognitive Dissonance•Trauma

                  Could You Have C-PTSD?

                  FEAR
                  February 17, 2020 by Diane M. Metcalf, MS No Comments

                  When we feel traumatized, we might think the experience is stored in our memory like a story. It’s not. Instead, traumatic experiences are stored by the brain as fragments of sensory input: smells, sights, sounds, touches, and tastes. These stored memory fragments become “emotional triggers” to alert us to danger or threats in the future.

                  Quick Links

                  • Old Wounds
                  • What’s the Difference?
                  • Tools

                  Our triggers are highly sensitive and reactive, activated by our environment or someone’s behavior or words. We might quietly emotionally withdraw, or we may react intensely or aggressively. When we become emotionally triggered, we automatically react without thought, and that’s why there is often a sense of losing control. Whether we go quiet or lose our temper, either way, it’s because we’re defending ourselves against a perceived threat, whether it’s real or not.

                  Old Wounds

                  Emotional triggers are wounds that haven’t healed. For example, a friend makes a casual remark, and you suddenly snap back with a cutting and intentionally hurtful remark. You don’t know what came over you. You weren’t in a bad mood or feeling angry, but immediately as the comment was made, you instinctively reacted swiftly and defensively to defend yourself. It was as if a “switch” had been flipped.​ You instinctively understand that you wounded and confused your friend, but you don’t know why you acted this way. Later, after you’ve taken time to reflect on and process what happened, you realize that at the moment you heard the comment, you instantly felt something that triggered your response. Maybe you felt confused, self-doubtful, unimportant, dismissed, or disrespected. In effect, you felt the need to defend or protect yourself without thought or question. 

                  You also recognize that the remark was not said to intentionally hurt you, and yet you deliberately reacted viciously with a desire to inflict pain. So you decide to apologize to your friend. You understood now that the remark was one of your triggers, and your triggers are your responsibility. 

                  When we become triggered because of PTSD or C-PTSD, it becomes challenging to navigate our daily lives and relationships. ​​

                  What’s the Difference?

                  Let’s talk about the differences between PTSD and C-PTSD.

                  PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) is a trauma and stress-related disorder.​ The symptoms of PTSD are stress-related coping mechanisms called “triggers,” which are associated with hypervigilance. (Lanius et al. 2010). These symptoms are often combined with non-anxiety symptoms such as angry outbursts, self-destructive behavior, flashbacks, and nightmares, and they include physiological sensations like nausea or sudden rapid heartbeat.​

                  C-PTSD​ (Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) is a relatively new term. It does not have its own diagnostic criteria in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5.) Many mental health practitioners would like C-PTSD to have a separate diagnostic standard from those of PTSD.  A possible indicator that this change may be forthcoming is that PTSD was removed from the “anxiety disorders” category and added to a brand new one called “trauma and stress-related disorders.” (Gattuso, R. 2018). So, maybe in version 6, we’ll see C-PTSD included as a separate disorder within the new “trauma and stress-related disorders” category.

                  People who have C-PTSD experience PTSD symptoms, but they also suffer from additional symptoms such as:

                  • feeling shame or guilt
                  • feeling responsible for the abuse
                  • difficulty controlling emotions
                  • episodes of losing attention and focus (dissociation)
                  • physical symptoms like headaches, dizziness, chest pains, and stomach aches
                  • isolation from friends and family
                  • relationship difficulties
                  • destructive or risky behavior, such as alcohol or drug abuse
                  • suicidal thoughts
                  • unnecessary worrying
                  • adrenal burnout
                  • cognitive dissonance
                  • chronic inflammatory disorders
                  • mental exhaustion
                  • various forms of anxiety
                  • depression
                  • loss of pleasure
                  • black-and-white thinking
                  • digestive disturbances
                  • weight gain or loss
                  • self-gaslighting

                  Healing your triggers means getting to know your triggers better. We can never know all of our triggers because we’re usually not aware of them until they happen. Triggers are created by consistency and repetition, so we develop new ones throughout life because we’re continually partaking in new life experiences. Once you have an idea of what your triggers are, you can form appropriate responses to them and have them ready for the next time. You can also replace your triggers by questioning their validity. Learn more about discovering and controlling your triggers here and here.​

                  Survivors of complex trauma often have difficulty forming attachments with others.​ It makes sense that the treatment process for C-PTSD includes learning ways to strengthen the ability to feel attached to others while at the same time feeling safe, secure, and loved. Learning to do this is “an extremely difficult process,” but not impossible. (Franco, F. 2018).​ 

                  An unfulfilled longing for connection can also cause deep-seated loneliness, which may further contribute to developing more symptoms. Depression and risky or self-destructive behaviors are often attributed to lacking meaningful emotional connection. ​


                  Could you be feeling the effects of Narcissism Awareness Grief? Download the free chapter to find out:

                  EXPERIENCING NARCISSISM AWARENESS GRIEF

                  from Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism


                  Tools

                  Conscious awareness:  Be aware and make conscious choices before acting. Self-awareness releases us from making impulsive and potentially damaging decisions. Learn about setting boundaries 

                  Self-care: We can only choose to focus on and be responsible for ourselves, our own thoughts, actions, and behavior. The good news is that we can change ourselves with patience, persistence, and practice. We can take responsibility for getting our needs met, instead of waiting for someone to change or meet our needs for us. We are in control of ourselves and no one is responsible for us but us.

                  Practice mindfulness

                  Learn about codependency and maladaptive coping skills

                  Take the Adverse Childhood Experiences Quiz

                  Learn to recognize the Cycle of Abuse

                  More Resources You May Like:

                  Visit the TOXIC UNDO for More Healing

                  Join the Free Email Survival Course:

                  Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.

                  Private Facebook group included for members only.

                  Register Here!
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                      About the Author

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                      As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping and healing strategies. She happily shares those with those who want to learn and grow in their own recovery journies. 

                      Diane is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer on narcissism, family dysfunction, and abuse. She draws from her personal childhood experiences, as well as her work in human service fields like domestic violence and partner abuse. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.

                      Her transformational books about healing and moving forward include the highly praised “Lemon Moms” series. This emotionally supportive collection explains narcissistic traits and teaches how to reconcile past hurts to begin self-nurturing, healing, and moving forward.

                      See what’s new on DianeMetcalf.com

                      Learn about the Lemon Moms series: Lemon Moms

                      This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

                      Read more

                      Please share!

                      Reading time: 5 min
                      C-PTSD•Cognitive Dissonance•Gaslighting•Narcissism

                      Why Narcissists Gaslight

                      frustrated
                      September 6, 2019 by Diane M. Metcalf, MS No Comments

                      “Gaslighting” is an expression borrowed from the 1938 stage play Gaslight. In the story, a husband tries to drive his wife insane by dimming their home’s gas-powered lights. When his wife notices and comments, he denies that their home illumination has changed in any way. This devilish scheme causes her to begin doubting her perception, judgment, and reality. Does this sound familiar?

                      Quick Links

                      • What is gaslighting?
                      • How do I know if I’m being gaslighted?
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                      What is gaslighting?

                      Gaslighting can be used to get a reaction. For a narcissist, when a target reacts, it’s a form of narcissistic supply. The narcissist remains calm and rational, which causes the target to feel insecure and irrational. When you’re being gaslighted, you don’t always know what’s happening, but you may intuitively feel that some kind of mind game is going on. You’re confused, stressed, and frustrated, and you can’t figure out why. All of this gives a narcissist a huge amount of power and control. Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse. When narcissists gaslight, they feel superior in their ability to control your beliefs, feelings, thoughts, and perceptions.

                      How do I know if I’m being gaslighted?

                      You’re likely being gaslighted if:

                      • A narcissist uses your fears or insecurities against you. If you divulge any insecurities or personal worries to them, at some point, those will be used against you. This allows the narcissist to feel superior to you.
                      • A narcissist wants you to think they know you better than you know yourself. They might say they know what you’re thinking, and if you say they’re wrong, they’ll only believe you’re lying. They may roll their eyes or make a disgusted face. Narcissists simply cannot allow themselves to be wrong.
                      • A narcissist requires you to do things that aren’t appropriate (or morally right or legal, etc.) and tells you that it’s OK.
                      • If you’re regularly told that something’s “normal” when you feel it isn’t, then you’re probably being gaslighted. For example, when I was a child, my mother frequently had me lie to other adults on her behalf. Usually, the lie was that she had a headache, or she didn’t feel well, or wasn’t home. She expected this from me without question. Growing up this way, I believed that doing this for my mother was normal. In my teens, when I started to recognize that this wasn’t something all kids had to do, I refused to continue doing it. It felt wrong, and I felt I was being used. It also felt like she should, as an adult, speak to other adults directly. She made it clear that she was disappointed with me for wanting her to be honest and not expect me to lie for her anymore.
                      • A narcissist “diagnoses” you and tells you what’s “wrong” with you. You’re informed that you’re mentally ill, or you need help, or that you have “issues.” When a narcissist doesn’t get their way, they will insult you and question your judgment or your sanity. They may tell you that you need therapy or medication. This really isn’t about you, though. In fact, it has nothing to do with you; it’s all about their need to feel superior and in control of you and your relationship.
                      • A narcissist rewrites history. They inform you that what you know to be accurate or real is, in fact, not correct or factual. The most common type of gaslighting I experienced as a child was when I witnessed my mother saying or doing something frightening, threatening, or mean-spirited (and when she was exhibiting a narcissistic rage). I would later ask her about it, and she would gaslight me. For example, I overheard her viciously mistreating my grandmother by loudly and verbally abusing her. I confronted my mother about it when she exited my grandmother’s bedroom. She didn’t realize I’d overheard the entire vicious scenario and looked at me with shock and disbelief. Then she looked confused and said, “What are you talking about? I didn’t scream at her or call her names.” She calmly and flatly denied it, explaining, “You must have dreamt it.”
                      • A narcissist tells you your memory is faulty. Narcissists recall or retell a shared memory very differently than you, which is OK since we all perceive differently. The problem here is that they will describe their behavior or reaction as rational, good, and righteous but spin yours as irrational or shameful. In their version, they are always either the hero or the victim.
                      hand-with-brain-150x150-1 Why Narcissists Gaslight

                      What does gaslighting do?

                      Gaslighting can have severe mental and emotional effects, especially if it’s ongoing. If you’re being gaslighted, you may begin doing whatever it takes to avoid stress and arguments or to prevent the narcissist from becoming triggered, angry, or abusive.

                      A significant symptom of gaslighting is the constant feeling of confusion or being off-balance, as I’ve mentioned. It’s one of the most challenging aspects of healing from gaslighting. That’s because we’ve learned to disregard our intuition, our sense of trust, memories, minds, and indeed our perception of anything! Because we may have learned to trust the narcissist’s interpretation of the world and rely on it instead of our own, we begin to doubt our reality and convince ourselves that their version of reality is correct. There’s a feeling of things not adding up, a feeling of confusion and disorientation when we’re around them. I came to think of these discrepancies (between my reality and my mother’s version) as a flaw in myself. I drove myself crazy trying to figure out and make sense of the disparity between what I observed with my senses and what I was told that I observed. This kind of internal conflict is called cognitive dissonance, and it’s the “crazy-making” aspect of gaslighting.

                      You may get unexpected or inappropriate responses to common questions or actions from a narcissist, and your reactions may be deemed to be incorrect or unreasonable. You may get strange “looks” from them that make you question your every move. Fearful for your mental health, you might worry that you are losing your mind. You may begin believing you’re illogical, irrational, or mentally ill. You likely feel confused by things the narcissist says and does, but your observations can’t be validated because no one else is usually around when it happens.

                      You’ll come to doubt your memory. This was a big one for me because my mother liked to overwrite my perceptions and memories with her own, I heard a lot of, “I never said that,” “You dreamt it,” or “You imagined it.” This was the attribute of gaslighting that harmed me the most. Continually being told that I perceived and remembered events “incorrectly” had me in a continual state of self-doubt, confusion, and disorientation. It negatively impacted my ability to make decisions and trust my judgment.

                      Gaslighting leads to feeling depressed, anxious, helpless, hopeless, or exhausted. Life may begin to feel surreal, you may feel like you’re invisible or like you don’t actually exist. Your sense of reality may seem” fuzzy,” and you can’t think straight You’ll have trouble problem-solving and making decisions because you doubt your judgment or your observations.

                      And while you’re struggling, the narcissist will continue to play mind games and twist your perception.

                      Eventually, you may begin to rely on the narcissist to tell you what’s “real” and what isn’t. They’ll happily tell you what you’re thinking and what you remember, and they’ll correct any memory that makes them appear less than great. If the gaslighting is constant, your reality will begin to depend on the narcissist’s interpretation. You’ll eventually lose your sense of self, and when this happens, you’ve probably also started to disassociate. What’s happening is that you’re losing your self-identity and becoming the version of “you” that your narcissist thinks you are.


                      Could you be feeling the effects of Narcissism Awareness Grief? Download the free chapter to find out:

                      EXPERIENCING NARCISSISM AWARENESS GRIEF

                      from Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism


                      Tools

                      Conscious awareness:  Be aware and make conscious choices before acting. Self-awareness releases us from making impulsive and potentially damaging decisions.

                      Self-care: We can only choose to focus on and be responsible for ourselves, our own thoughts, actions, and behavior. The good news is that we can change ourselves with patience, persistence, and practice. We can take responsibility for getting our needs met, instead of waiting for someone to change or meet our needs for us. We are in control of ourselves and no one is responsible for us but us.

                      Set boundaries 

                      Understand the Abuse Cycle

                      Learn about codependency

                      Learn about letting go of what you can’t control, by using loving-detachment

                      Learn about expectations

                      More Resources You May Like:

                      Visit the TOXIC UNDO for More Healing

                      Join the Free Email Survival Course:

                      Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.

                      Private Facebook group included for members only.

                      Register Here!
                      Free 8-week email Survival Course

                        I respect your privacy. Unsubscribe at anytime.

                        Get the TOOLBOX APP

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                          About the Author

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                          As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping and healing strategies. She happily shares those with those who want to learn and grow in their own recovery journies. 

                          Diane is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer on narcissism, family dysfunction, and abuse. She draws from her personal childhood experiences, as well as her work in human service fields like domestic violence and partner abuse. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.

                          Her transformational books about healing and moving forward include the highly praised “Lemon Moms” series. This emotionally supportive collection explains narcissistic traits and teaches how to reconcile past hurts to begin self-nurturing, healing, and moving forward.

                          See what’s new on DianeMetcalf.com

                          Learn about the Lemon Moms series: Lemon Moms

                          This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

                          Read more

                          Please share!

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