The Toolbox
  • THE TOXIC UNDO
  • Books
  • FREE
  • Self-talk
  • Contribute
  • Earn Cash
THE TOXIC UNDO
Books
FREE
Self-talk
Contribute
Earn Cash
The Toolbox
  • THE TOXIC UNDO
  • Books
  • FREE
  • Self-talk
  • Contribute
  • Earn Cash
Browsing Tag
c ptsd
Anger•C-PTSD•Well-being

Starting Fresh Requires Looking Back

Best Happy New Year
January 2, 2023 by Diane M. Metcalf, MS No Comments

While there’s nothing magical about January 1st, every new year still brings a sense of hope, motivation, inspiration, and a fresh start.

NOT GOOD ENOUGH

Those of us who grew up in an atmosphere of blaming, shaming, humiliating, intimidating, manipulating, mocking, sarcasm, or lying, felt confused, socially awkward, “less than,” and probably not “good enough.” Growing up in a family with unhealthy dynamics meant that we repeatedly and consistently got the message that everyone else’s needs were more important than our own.

When we carry these thoughts or beliefs into adulthood, we easily become action-takers and “fixers,” people-pleasers who attempt to control outcomes and solve other people’s problems. We take responsibilities that aren’t ours, and we may get a lot of satisfaction from acquiring these “projects”—always helping, forever putting our own needs, wants, and to-do’s last, if at all. We feel unloved and resentful, and we don’t understand why.

Quick Links:

  • THE IMPORTANCE OF VALIDATION
  • PERSONAL LIMITS
  • INTRODUCING: CODEPENDENCE
  • STARTING FRESH
  • TOOLS FOR MOVING FORWARD

Growing up in an oppressive environment meant we couldn’t freely express our feelings or ask questions because no one was interested in them, or it didn’t feel safe to do so. As adults, it is hard for us to talk about personal things or have difficult discussions, and we avoid conflict at all costs.

If we carry the unconscious core belief that we’re somehow fundamentally flawed or undeserving of kindness and love, we may willingly but unintentionally become the dumping ground for others’ emotional garbage. Though we don’t like it, we might unconsciously believe that we don’t deserve anything better than the kind of treatment we endured as kids.

Growing up in a toxic or neglectful environment can create problems that can last a lifetime.

“The conflict between the will to deny horrible events and the will to proclaim them aloud is the central dialectic of psychological trauma.”

—Judith Lewis Herman, Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence—From Domestic Abuse to Political Terror

THE IMPORTANCE OF VALIDATION

Validation is the act of recognizing or affirming someone’s feelings or thoughts as being sound or worthwhile. The act of validating is an essential aspect of parenting because it opens the door to safe communication. Feeling heard and understood allows people to trust, which is a cornerstone of every relationship.

A validating mother listens to what her child is saying. She understands that her child has their own emotions and thoughts, even if she doesn’t necessarily agree with them. Validation is a nonjudgmental and supportive action that requires empathy.

When a child falls and skins her knee, a validating mother will understand that the crying child is in pain and requires some form of caretaking or soothing to feel better. The remedy could simply be a verbal expression of empathy and understanding, (acknowledging that the child is hurting), or hugging and kissing her, or applying antibiotic ointment and a Band-Aid. The point is that this child knows she’s been heard, understood, cared for, and loved. She feels worthy of her mom’s time and effort and believes she’s valued. This is validation. The mother may not think the injury is as severe as the child may believe, but she doesn’t judge. She accepts how the child feels; she doesn’t minimize or negate her child’s feelings.

A validating mother would say something like, “Wow! You’re really crying hard! Your knee must hurt a lot. Let’s see if I can make you feel better.”

In 2016, an observational study was done to see if a relationship existed between a mother’s emotional validation and the degree of awareness her child has about their own emotions. They found that the mother’s degree of emotional validation and invalidation were accurate predictors of the child’s perception of their own emotional state. In other words, a child’s ability to recognize their own emotions comes from being validated by their mother first. (Lambie and Lindberg 2016).

If our mother doesn’t “see us” and validate us as individuals who have thoughts, feelings, and goals of our own, we may start thinking, feeling, or believing that we don’t matter. If we establish this mindset as children, that we’re not good enough, or that it’s OK to be mistreated or unloved, or ignored, then we don’t learn how to validate ourselves. We don’t know how to comfortably acknowledge our positive characteristics or our personal or professional accomplishments, either.

Of course, we may receive validation from other people besides our mothers. Caring adults, older siblings, or a father can affirm and support us too. But being approved of and understood by our mother is a unique and vital experience.

Because validation requires empathy, narcissists will not be able to perform this responsibility.

As I mentioned before, if we haven’t experienced what it’s like to be treated as unique beings who matter, we may form the belief that others’ needs are more important than our own. This is important to note because a belief is created when our feelings become connected with our thoughts (Lamia 2012).

Without examining our original childhood beliefs, we may simply bring them along with us into adulthood, even though they’re no longer relevant, are self-limiting, and are untrue.

When I was four years old, I was alone outside, barefoot, and stubbed my bare big toe; it bled, and my little self knew it was the worst pain I’d ever experienced. I was appalled by the hanging flap of skin and I was understandably frightened.

On this particular day, in response to my limping into the house wailing and interrupting her TV show, my mother angrily grabbed my forearm and hauled me into the bathroom. She proceeded to run water over my foot, adding a whole new dimension of unexpected stinging pain. The entire time, she furiously and loudly berated and humiliated me for running (I wasn’t running), “not looking where you’re going,” and for not knowing “how to walk without hurting myself.” I’d dared to lack the focus and navigational skill required and had burdened her with my injury.

There was no kiss, no hug, no feeling of being understood or valued, cared for, or even loved. There was no Band-Aid. Just continuous berating and humiliating, which ended with an admonishment to be more careful next time and not let it happen again. I was sent back outside, still not knowing what I had done wrong and trying to figure it out, feeling ashamed of myself and embarrassed by my inability to negotiate the walkway safely. I rejected others’ empathy or sympathy for my injury and redirected their attention to anything other than myself. I didn’t feel worthy of anyone’s concern or kindness.

To this day, remembering this event confounds me. Over the years, I’ve explained it in various ways. But the explanation that rings most true is that this must have been a narcissistic injury for my mother. A narcissistic injury is anything that threatens the ‘false self.’ Her rage at me for falling made no sense, and she flipped the scenario to make herself the victim: because of me, she had to get off her chair, miss a portion of her TV show (that was the time before VCRs and DVRs,) and treat my wound. She was angry because I “should have known better” than to cause her this inconvenience.

When I became a mother, I was incredibly aware that I wanted to raise my children very differently than I was. I knew that I sorely lacked healthy parenting skills and parent role models. I wanted to learn how to parent lovingly and responsibly. I needed to learn proper parenting techniques, and I tried to find healthy mother role models to imitate. I was on the lookout for them everywhere I went.

I remember sitting on my porch when my neighbor’s young child fell and hurt herself. The child’s mother ran over and scooped her up, sat her on a step, and examined her bleeding knee. I watched them very carefully. I saw the mother gently blow on the knee, (I had never seen this done before, and thought it probably minimized the sting.) I later learned from the mom that she applied antiseptic, administered a chewable painkiller, and applied a cheerful Band-Aid. The little girl was outside playing again in a matter of minutes. That mom was a validating mother. She affirmed her child in a kind and loving manner, and that was the kind of mother I wanted to be.

Here’s my point: If we don’t learn that we’re unique people who matter simply because we exist, and if we don’t know how to identify our emotions because we’ve never learned how we’re at risk of developing unhealthy coping mechanisms. We may have a hard time accepting when someone likes or tries to befriend us, and we question why they would want to. If someone does something kind for us, we may assume it’s a form of manipulation, or we may be confused by it. When our emotional, psychological, or physical needs go unmet, we often find other ways (possibly harmful or maladaptive) to get by.

PERSONAL LIMITS

When we grow up in an oppressive or toxic environment, we don’t know that there are ways to protect ourselves from mistreatment. We may grow into adults who unconsciously broadcast the message that we exist to be of service to others and that it doesn’t matter how they treat us. As adults, we may accept disrespect, unfair or unkind treatment, and even physical, verbal, and emotional abuse.

If we haven’t seen healthy boundaries modeled, then we don’t know what a healthy boundary looks like or how to create one, so we become hypervigilant instead. This means that a brain structure called the amygdala stores threatening behavior patterns in our memory, causing our focus becomes external. So we focus on others’ behavior and moods, continually alert and ready for anything. This is the fight-flight-freeze response which contributes heavily to C-PTSD, an anxiety disorder caused by trauma.

This preoccupation with focusing on others also contributes to becoming codependent.

INTRODUCING: CODEPENDENCE

When we have low self-worth, it’s natural to feel that we’re not good enough to ask for what we want or need. Instead, we learn to use subtle forms of manipulation to get our needs met. This is a learned survival skill. It developed out of necessity. In order for us to feel emotionally or physically safe, it feels necessary to control as much of our environment as we can in an attempt to avoid nasty surprises. Feeling like we’re in control makes us feel safe. We begin managing aspects of others’ lives, and may even believe that we’re emotionally stronger, more capable, and better at it than they are. When we spend more time taking care of or focusing on others, or when we try to control the outcomes of others’ choices or behavior, we become codependent.

Codependency develops as a self-protective response. It’s a way of coping with a stressful or unhealthy, traumatic, or abusive environment and can be learned by watching and imitating other codependents too. It’s a learned behavior that can be passed down through generations.

Codependents willingly play by others’ “rules,” losing their own identity. It affects a person’s ability to have healthy, mutually satisfying adult relationships.

If we’re codependent, we most likely believe that we know what’s best for other people and their lives, and we think we know how to fix their problems. We want them to follow our unsolicited advice and are often hurt or angered when they don’t.

To a codependent, helping and fixing other people or their problems feels good. They feel needed and are highly attracted to people who could use their help. Codependents enjoy offering suggestions and advice even though they haven’t been asked for them. If we’re codependent, we feel responsible for people and issues that aren’t our responsibility, and if we don’t attempt to help, fix, or control, we often feel guilty or ashamed. It feels wrong not to jump in, take charge, or aid others who seem to be struggling, even though they haven’t reached out for assistance. We seem to have no choice but to take responsibilities that aren’t ours. We just feel that somehow, it’s our job to take action, take over, and fix.

If we’re codependent, we most likely don’t have boundaries. We disclose almost everything we think and do and assume we won’t be believed. We overexplain our choices because if we’ve not enjoyed our mother’s validation (or if we’ve been continually invalidated), we still crave to be heard, understood, and affirmed. We’ll continuously seek affirmation outside of ourselves to feel “good enough” or that we matter. This is called “external validation,” and codependents seek external validation and affirmation any way they can get it. It’s often described as being needy, “clingy,” or insecure.

Codependents continually look for someone to please. We feel the need to make excuses for others’ mistreatment of us or their poor behavior in general. We explain to ourselves why they’re abusing us and why it’s OK for them to do so. We often take the blame. We minimize and deny the pain they cause us. Codependents are known for their discomfort with saying “no.”

Healthy coping mechanisms, on the other hand, help us to make sense of confusing or threatening life experiences and to respond appropriately in wholesome ways. You’ve heard the saying “when life gives you lemons, make lemonade”? Well, that’s a coping skill: taking something negative and turning it into a positive. In reality, nothing has changed. Life has still given us lemons, but instead of getting angry, depressed, or feeling slighted or misunderstood, we choose to look at it another way. When we use healthy coping, we’re able to reframe negative events in a way that feels better.

STARTING FRESH

Looking at our past can be difficult for many reasons. First of all, it hurts. Secondly, we may think it’s pointless because it happened so long ago. But if you’re affected by or struggling with self-esteem, self-confidence, lack of boundaries, anger, or another issue, it could be worthwhile to revisit the past with a therapist, trauma counselor, or other mental health professional. See where and when these issues started and make a treatment plan to resolve them. The second step is doing that work to heal and move forward. The key is getting started.

TOOLS FOR MOVING FORWARD

Learn about Dysfunctional Family Roles: Golden, Invisible, and Scapegoat

Learn about codependency and unhealthy survival skills learned in childhood

Take the Adverse Childhood Experiences quiz

Understand Narcissism Awareness Grief

Let go of what you can’t control by using positive-detachment

Learn to recognize the Cycle of Abuse

Set some boundaries 

More Resources You May Like:

Visit the TOXIC UNDO for More Healing

Join the Free Email Survival Course:

Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.

Private Facebook group included for members only.

Register Here!
Free 8-week email Survival Course

    I respect your privacy. Unsubscribe at anytime.

    Get the TOOLBOX APP

    for instant information, support, and validation!

    Toolbox-App-on-Website-2 Starting Fresh Requires Looking Back
    GOOGLEPLAY-EMBLEM Starting Fresh Requires Looking Back
    app-store-logo Starting Fresh Requires Looking Back

    2-1024x1024 Starting Fresh Requires Looking Back

    I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self, Workbook and Journal, by Diane Metcalf

    Experience the power of self-affirmation: using positive statements to improve well-being and performance. Learn research-based steps to write the most effective affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things.

    Get it Here:

    Author’s Site: Free Shipping
    Barnes and Noble
    Amazon
    Browse the Positivity Shop

    Get the TOOLBOX posts twice monthly in your inbox!

    Sign-up for twice monthly coping and healing strategies right to your inbox!
    ​
    ​
    Your Free Gift:
    An Inner Child Guided Healing Meditation MP3

      We respect your privacy. Unsubscribe at anytime.

      3D-3-book-series Starting Fresh Requires Looking Back

      About the Author

      Facetune_06-05-2021-18-24-57-150x150 Starting Fresh Requires Looking Back

      As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping and healing strategies. She happily shares those with those who want to learn and grow in their own recovery journies. 

      Diane is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer on narcissism, family dysfunction, and abuse. She draws from her personal childhood experiences, as well as her work in human service fields like domestic violence and partner abuse. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.

      Her transformational books about healing and moving forward include the highly praised “Lemon Moms” series. This emotionally supportive collection explains narcissistic traits and teaches how to reconcile past hurts to begin self-nurturing, healing, and moving forward.

      See what’s new on DianeMetcalf.com

      Learn about the Lemon Moms series: Lemon Moms

      This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

      Read more

      Please share!

      Reading time: 12 min
      Anger•C-PTSD•Shame

      Breaking Free from Shame: Overcoming the Lies of Narcissistic Trauma Bonding

      feeling shame
      November 5, 2022 by Diane M. Metcalf, MS No Comments

      Shaming is a control technique woven throughout abuse cycles. Shaming can be accomplished with mixed messages, sarcasm, scapegoating, narcissistic rages, gaslighting, and trauma bonding, to name a few. One thing is for sure: you’ll find active shaming wherever there is a narcissist.

      Shame tells us that everyone is judging us as unforgivingly as we judge ourselves. Shame lies. It says that we’re unworthy of acceptance or belonging; that we deserve insults, criticisms, rejection, and loneliness. Shame says that we’re not good enough.

      Quick Links:

      • THE POWER OF SHAME IN ABUSE CYCLES: UNDERSTANDING CONTROL TECHNIQUES
      • METHODS OF SHAMING
      • FORGIVENESS AS A FORM OF SELF-CARE
      • TOOLS FOR RECOVERY

      THE POWER OF SHAME IN ABUSE CYCLES: UNDERSTANDING CONTROL TECHNIQUES

      Using the word “abusive” to describe any relationship can feel like a sad excuse or blame for unresolved issues. When we use the word “abuse,” it can feel like attention-seeking or sympathy-seeking. It can feel like we’re saying, “poor me; I’m a helpless victim.” The word “abuse” is full of shame.

      We may intentionally minimize our painful experiences because we don’t want to think of someone as an “abuser” or ourselves as unwitting targets. Having those thoughts can cause us to feel more ashamed, which affects our core identity. Those of us who’ve experienced traumatic events due to someone’s narcissism may feel a sense of disgust or humiliation in addition to shame and see ourselves in a negative light as compared with others.

      The shame of enduring mistreatment or abuse from anyone leaves long-lasting scars.

      “Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging.”

      —Brené Brown

      In her book, “I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Isn’t): Making the Journey from ‘What Will People Think?’ to ‘I Am Enough,’” Brené Brown discusses shame as a “silent epidemic” and something that everybody experiences at some point (2008).

      METHODS OF SHAMING

      Why does anyone actively shame? In the case of narcissists, it’s because they need to feel superior, and it allows them to put themselves in an untouchable status: it minimizes the future threat of someone expressing embarrassing comments or thoughts about them. Shaming allows a narcissist to feel invincible while eroding their target’s self-confidence, self-esteem, and enjoyment of life. It’s what they do best.

      A narcissist will shame someone in a variety of ways:

      1. Changing the narrative: After attaining an accomplishment, the narcissist will re-tell the story of the achievement and add a shameful twist. If asked, they’ll jokingly say they did it because they don’t want their target to become self-important or to have a “big head,” but really, it is intended to humiliate.

      2. Breaking confidences: Narcissists love to gain embarrassing or humiliating information to use later, so they’ll appear more important or intelligent. A narcissist will keep their target anxious about the possibility that they may share this upsetting information with others.

      3. Pointing out flaws: Narcissists believe they have no faults but are very good at identifying those of others. They enjoy shaming their targets by passive-aggressively devaluing them. A narcissist might say, “I was only joking,” or “You’re too sensitive,” if their target is hurt by this behavior.

      4. Playing the victim: As we’ve seen, narcissists love to be the victim in their version of reality. A narcissist will purposefully frustrate their target and then use their exasperation to justify flipping the scenario and becoming the victim herself. Then she’ll openly deem her target’s frustrated response as a shameful thing.

      5. Blaming: Narcissists don’t take responsibility for their actions. When a narcissist makes a mistake or if something unexpected goes wrong, they’ll place blame on their target. The target has no power to prevent this and can’t change it. It is a no-win situation.

      6. Belittling: Narcissists are typically condescending and belittle others by talking down to them, calling them names, implying that they’re jealous or insecure, or telling them to “grow up.” Narcissists enjoy giving the impression that they’ve developed beyond the level that others have.

      7. Laying on religious guilt: Every religion has standards and expectations, and a narcissist will use them to guilt their targets into behaving in a particular manner. They may say they’re praying about the target or asking for God’s intercession because the target’s behavior is displeasing to them.

      8. Using aggressive tactics: Narcissists personally attack others to make them defensive. Defensive people become highly alert to protect themselves. A narcissist will use defensiveness as a sign of guilt. They’ll accuse the target of wrongdoing even when there hasn’t been any.

      9. Playing the expert: Narcissists will sometimes speak authoritatively above a person’s level of understanding or knowledge. They do this to make the person feel inferior. Narcissists do this to be seen as authority figures. They’ll use their vocabulary, posture (looking down), and the elaboration of details as a way of shaming. The message is that they are smarter and more knowledgeable than we’ll ever be.

      10. Comparing: As a result of their need to feel superior, narcissists act as though they’ve already outperformed everyone else. They insist they said or did “it” first, and much better. By outdoing their target, a narcissist minimizes their accomplishments, which supports the target’s belief of not being good enough.

      11. Physical appearance: Narcissists like to appear physically intimidating or untouchable. They love attention and admiration, so they often dress to get noticed. They may even use their physical appearance as a way to demean and shame others. For example, an athletic narcissist will make hurtful comments to others about their bodies as compared to theirs.

      12. Expectations (using “should” or “ought”): A narcissist will frequently play the game of “I told you so” by reminding their target that they didn’t heed given advice. For example, “You should’ve taken your boots like I told you to do. Now your shoes are ruined.”

      13. Manipulation: Narcissists don’t ask directly for what they want because it feels like weakness. They don’t want to feel indebted to anyone. They gain an intense feeling of power by controlling and influencing others. They prefer that to openness.

      14. Gaslighting: Narcissists like to control others’ beliefs, feelings, thoughts, and perceptions. To do this, they “rewrite” past events casting themselves as either the good guy or the victim. If others disagree with the revised version, the narcissist will mock, humiliate, dismiss their memory as faulty, or say something equally shaming.

      15. Dog whistling: This tactic is a form of gaslighting and manipulation. It gets its name from the device called a dog whistle that, because of its pitch, can only be heard by dogs. When using the dog-whistle approach, a narcissist uses coded language. Their words will mean one thing to their audience but something entirely different and hurtful to their target. For example, a narcissistic mom knows that her adult daughter is struggling with weight loss efforts, and when they’re together, the mom can’t stop talking about how great her best friend’s adult daughter looks after losing weight.

      16. Sandbagging: Purposely appearing weak or less informed to deceive someone is called sandbagging. Narcissists often manipulate others by faking weaknesses or ignorance. A narcissistic mom may pretend to be ill when she wants her adult child to visit. Instead of simply inviting them over, she pretends to be sick so the adult child feels shamed into making an appearance.

      dog-shame-1024x731 Breaking Free from Shame: Overcoming the Lies of Narcissistic Trauma Bonding

      FORGIVENESS AS A FORM OF SELF-CARE

      Have you considered forgiving your abuser? Or is that idea outrageous? Maybe your wounds are still fresh, and it feels too soon or impossible. It might be a good idea to consider it at some point, but not for them. For YOU.

      Forgiveness is a decision made to release the anger and resentment you feel. True forgiveness is extended regardless of whether it’s asked for or deserved. Forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting their behavior or condoning it. Forgiveness is for you, not them.

      Offering forgiveness gives us peace and freedom from destructive anger. It means empowering ourselves by letting go of negative, destructive feelings. By forgiving, you acknowledge your pain without allowing it to define you. In doing so, healing and moving forward become possible. As we move forward, we continue learning to let go of the need to control outcomes and consequences. You see, forgiveness doesn’t mean that they get away with their hurtful, selfish behavior or avoid any repercussions. Instead, we allow the abuser to face the naturally occurring consequences of their actions, including but not limited to:

      • Family estrangement
      • Lost romantic relationships
      • Lost friendships
      • Divorce
      • Isolation
      • Loneliness
      • Missed opportunities
      • Legal, financial, or career issues
      • Damaged reputation

      If you’re too hurt or angry to forgive right now, acknowledge and validate your feelings and resentments. They’re there for a reason. Doing this can help you see where your boundaries need to be.


      Could you be feeling the effects of Narcissism Awareness Grief? Download the free chapter to find out:

      EXPERIENCING NARCISSISM AWARENESS GRIEF

      from Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism


      TOOLS FOR RECOVERY

      How to Identify a Narcissist

      Understand the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle

      Identify Traits of a Narcissistic Mother

      Learn how to Identify Dangerous People

      Signs of  Narcissism Awareness Grief

      Identify Dysfunctional Family Roles

      Find out what Trauma does to your brain

      Learn about Codependency and other maladaptive coping skills

      More Resources You May Like:

      Visit the TOXIC UNDO for More Healing

      Join the Free Email Survival Course:

      Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.

      Private Facebook group included for members only.

      Register Here!
      Free 8-week email Survival Course

        I respect your privacy. Unsubscribe at anytime.

        Get the TOOLBOX APP

        for instant information, support, and validation!

        Toolbox-App-on-Website-2 Breaking Free from Shame: Overcoming the Lies of Narcissistic Trauma Bonding
        GOOGLEPLAY-EMBLEM Breaking Free from Shame: Overcoming the Lies of Narcissistic Trauma Bonding
        app-store-logo Breaking Free from Shame: Overcoming the Lies of Narcissistic Trauma Bonding

        2-1024x1024 Breaking Free from Shame: Overcoming the Lies of Narcissistic Trauma Bonding

        I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self, Workbook and Journal, by Diane Metcalf

        Experience the power of self-affirmation: using positive statements to improve well-being and performance. Learn research-based steps to write the most effective affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things.

        Get it Here:

        Author’s Site: Free Shipping
        Barnes and Noble
        Amazon
        Browse the Positivity Shop

        Get the TOOLBOX posts twice monthly in your inbox!

        Sign-up for twice monthly coping and healing strategies right to your inbox!
        ​
        ​
        Your Free Gift:
        An Inner Child Guided Healing Meditation MP3

          We respect your privacy. Unsubscribe at anytime.

          3D-3-book-series Breaking Free from Shame: Overcoming the Lies of Narcissistic Trauma Bonding

          About the Author

          Facetune_06-05-2021-18-24-57-150x150 Breaking Free from Shame: Overcoming the Lies of Narcissistic Trauma Bonding

          As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping and healing strategies. She happily shares those with those who want to learn and grow in their own recovery journies. 

          Diane is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer on narcissism, family dysfunction, and abuse. She draws from her personal childhood experiences, as well as her work in human service fields like domestic violence and partner abuse. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.

          Her transformational books about healing and moving forward include the highly praised “Lemon Moms” series. This emotionally supportive collection explains narcissistic traits and teaches how to reconcile past hurts to begin self-nurturing, healing, and moving forward.

          See what’s new on DianeMetcalf.com

          Learn about the Lemon Moms series: Lemon Moms

          This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

          Read more

          Please share!

          Reading time: 7 min
          C-PTSD•Gaslighting•Narcissism

          Narcissistic Lying

          lying
          September 3, 2022 by Diane M. Metcalf, MS No Comments

          This month we’re talking about narcissistic lying. Here’s the thing: narcissists lie. A lot. It’s part of their nature. But did you know that all human beings lie? Our reasons for lying and the types of lies we tell are based on various grounds. The fundamental difference is motivation.

          Self-serving Lies

          We may tell self-serving lies (aka “egocentric lies”) to enhance our feeling of well-being, to achieve a goal, to avoid disappointing someone, or to avoid potential humiliation. Have you ever told a self-serving lie? Here’s an example: you offered to make a homemade veggie dip for tomorrow’s office meeting. But you didn’t have time to make it, so you wake early and go to the grocery to pick one up from the deli. You put it in a dish and add it to the table’s offerings. When you receive compliments, it feels good! So you don’t divulge that the dip was store-bought (Neal 2017).

          Quick Document Links:

          • Kindhearted Lies
          • Narcissistic Lies
          • Tools:

          Kindhearted Lies

          We may tell kindhearted lies (aka “face-saving” or pro-social lies) to prevent someone’s feelings from getting hurt, to save a relationship, or to keep ourselves from losing status. We tell kindhearted lies because we feel empathy or because we care about the person we’re lying to. Sometimes we want to look like we care more about something than we really do, and so we tell a kindhearted lie.

          Have you ever told a kindhearted lie to avoid hurting someone or to seem more interested in someone or something than you actually were? Same.

          Narcissistic Lies

          The current theory about narcissistic lying is that all narcissistic behaviors, including lying, are unconsciously motivated by shame and driven by previous narcissistic injuries.

          Lying is central to a narcissist’s identity, but because all of their experiences are filtered through previous narcissistic injuries, they’ll view their lie as “The Truth.” In his book “The Narcissist You Know,” Dr. Joseph Burgo says about the narcissist, “He doesn’t see himself as a liar but rather as an embattled defender of the ‘truth’ as he has come to see it” (Burgo 2016).

          Narcissistic behaviors, including lying, are unconsciously motivated by shame and driven by previous narcissistic injuries.

          pexels-ty-huynh-3156660-150x150 Narcissistic Lying

          A narcissist’s lies are a combination of their character traits and life experiences, so there’s usually a small “kernel” of truth in each lie. It’ll be difficult and confusing for you to try to find that kernel, but your intuition will tell you it’s there. In their story, in addition to lying, they’ll also exaggerate any information that makes them look “good,” and they’ll just as easily minimize information that has the potential to make them look “bad.”

          Because narcissists must believe that they’re always correct and never make mistakes, they often have difficulty knowing the difference between lies and the truth. It makes absolute sense if you remember that a narcissist’s entire life is a lie because of their false face. They carry grandiose beliefs about their false selves, and they need validation and affirmation to hold onto those beliefs. The false self keeps the narcissist feeling superior, and that’s essential to avoiding narcissistic injuries. They see anything that threatens their superiority as an attack and will respond as such.

          Narcissists need to lie to keep the false face intact, and they need and expect us to believe those lies, or there will be hell to pay. Usually in the form of narcissistic rages or silent treatments.


          Could you be feeling the effects of Narcissism Awareness Grief? Download the free chapter to find out:

          EXPERIENCING NARCISSISM AWARENESS GRIEF

          from Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism


          Tools:

          Learn to recognize Narcissistic Traits

          Find out if you’re experiencing Narcissism Awareness Grief

          Understand the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle

          Understand Narcissistic Supply

          Learn how to deal with what you can’t control

          Learn how expectations cause resentment

          Practice conscious awareness:  Self-awareness releases us from making impulsive and potentially damaging decisions.

          Practice Ferocious Self-care: We take responsibility for getting our needs met instead of waiting for someone to change or to meet our needs for us. We are in control of ourselves. No one is responsible for us but us.

          More Resources You May Like:

          Visit the TOXIC UNDO for More Healing

          Join the Free Email Survival Course:

          Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.

          Private Facebook group included for members only.

          Register Here!
          Free 8-week email Survival Course

            I respect your privacy. Unsubscribe at anytime.

            Get the TOOLBOX APP

            for instant information, support, and validation!

            Toolbox-App-on-Website-2 Narcissistic Lying
            GOOGLEPLAY-EMBLEM Narcissistic Lying
            app-store-logo Narcissistic Lying

            2-1024x1024 Narcissistic Lying

            I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self, Workbook and Journal, by Diane Metcalf

            Experience the power of self-affirmation: using positive statements to improve well-being and performance. Learn research-based steps to write the most effective affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things.

            Get it Here:

            Author’s Site: Free Shipping
            Barnes and Noble
            Amazon
            Browse the Positivity Shop

            Get the TOOLBOX posts twice monthly in your inbox!

            Sign-up for twice monthly coping and healing strategies right to your inbox!
            ​
            ​
            Your Free Gift:
            An Inner Child Guided Healing Meditation MP3

              We respect your privacy. Unsubscribe at anytime.

              3D-3-book-series Narcissistic Lying

              About the Author

              Facetune_06-05-2021-18-24-57-150x150 Narcissistic Lying

              As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping and healing strategies. She happily shares those with those who want to learn and grow in their own recovery journies. 

              Diane is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer on narcissism, family dysfunction, and abuse. She draws from her personal childhood experiences, as well as her work in human service fields like domestic violence and partner abuse. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.

              Her transformational books about healing and moving forward include the highly praised “Lemon Moms” series. This emotionally supportive collection explains narcissistic traits and teaches how to reconcile past hurts to begin self-nurturing, healing, and moving forward.

              See what’s new on DianeMetcalf.com

              Learn about the Lemon Moms series: Lemon Moms

              This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

              Read more

              Please share!

              Reading time: 3 min
              Anger•Narcissism•Self Care

              When Mother’s Day Hurts

              broken heart
              May 1, 2022 by Diane M. Metcalf, MS No Comments

              If your relationship with your mother is typically full of pain and heartache, this article is dedicated to you.

              When Mother’s Day Hurts

              Every April and May of every year, we are urged by all manner of media to remember our mothers on the second Sunday of May. These pre-Mother’s Day messages often portray sweet, heartwarming, sentimental interactions between mothers and their children. Viewing those ads has always been difficult for me because I have longed for those kinds of interactions with my own mother for my entire life.

              Suppose your mother is self-important, seeks admiration, believes she’s superior, lacks empathy, manipulates and uses her children, puts others down to elevate herself, is hypersensitive to criticism, and believes she deserves special treatment. In that case, she may be on the narcissism spectrum, and you will likely experience mixed feelings about Mother’s Day.

              Quick document links

              • Confusion and Cognitive Dissonance
              • There’s a Name For It
              • Self-care
              • Tools for Healing

              Daughters and sons of narcissistic mothers are out there, and they feel alone and misunderstood.

              An emotionally healthy mother’s love is a powerful, lifelong theme for most children; her kindness, compassion, validation, and the loving bond that they share. For those of us who don’t have that kind of mom, memories, or relationship, we are keenly aware of those who do. And we wonder why we don’t. Because surely if our mothers can’t love us, it must be our fault. We must be unlovable, right?

              American culture views motherhood as a saintly paradigm, promoting that mother love is instinctive, unconditional, and spontaneous; and that all women can love, empathize, and nurture. These myths and inaccuracies are detrimental; they harm unloved children’s spirits, holding them in a state of self-doubt and cognitive dissonance.

              When a mother and adult child relationship fails, it’s the adult child who’s usually held responsible. These kinds of cultural perspectives can keep an unloved daughter or son stuck in the place they’ve been since childhood—knowing that something is wrong and blaming themselves. They wonder who will be able to love them if their own mothers can’t.

              But mothering is a learned behavior in human beings. A spectrum of maternal behaviors exists, from healthy to toxic. Acknowledging this may be helpful when we think about Mother’s Day.

              I used to spend a huge amount of emotional energy just selecting a Mother’s Day card. Today, there is more awareness and sensitivity regarding family dysfunction and the understanding that not all mothers are loving and kind. These days, it’s easier to find a more realistic card sentiment. But years ago, it was extremely difficult to find a card that didn’t boldly announce “Happy Mother’s Day to the Greatest Mother in the World!” or “I’m So Blessed That You’re My Mother” All of them gushed with sentiments that I didn’t feel, and all of them felt like lies. While I dealt with that, others dealt with decisions like: “Should I even send a card?” “Should I call?” “Should I see her?” “Should I ignore the day?” “What should I do?”

              The thing is, if we’re still attempting to please and appease our narcissistic moms, we’re in a no-win situation. Whatever we do will not be good enough because it never has. Like others in this situation, every year I went through emotional pain and turmoil: on Mother’s Day, I was forced to face the stark and demoralizing humiliation of our one-sided relationship for the entire day. I was actually a mother myself, yet I was focused on making this day all about MY mother. I wasn’t able to enjoy what the day meant for me as a mother. I missed out on feeling connected with my kids and letting them focus on me, celebrating me. Instead, I expected them to focus on her too. The entire day was about my mother and making her happy. But of course, she never was. She spent the day criticizing the weather, the restaurant, the food, her gifts, and other people. For decades this continued and I didn’t see it because I was supremely codependent, unaware, and unhealed. Eventually, I awakened and realized that something needed to change. I finally accepted that she wasn’t going to change. I needed to change.

              Experts say that with a narcissistic mother, you have two choices: live on her terms (focusing on her, chasing after her withheld love, acceptance, and affection) or go “no contact.” This feels like black and white (all or none) thinking to me, and I’ve never been a big fan. I prefer to see all the shades of gray. So I created a third option for myself: I identified my cognitive dissonance and C-PTSD symptoms and prioritized healing them with various forms of therapy. I refused to be gaslighted, I set enforceable boundaries and started trusting my mind and my memories. I no longer focused on what she did, said, wanted, or expected, and as a result, I no longer felt humiliated, unloved, invalidated, and rejected. Our relationship was finally on my terms.

              heart-300x200 When Mother's Day Hurts

              Confusion and Cognitive Dissonance

              As children, if our need for love and connection to our mothers was not met, we simply blamed ourselves. And then we began forming beliefs that we are not good enough and that we don’t matter.

              If you are an empathetic person, you are naturally sensitive to others’ emotional needs. Trying to understand that narcissists don’t have the ability to feel empathy is difficult to understand or believe. As children of narcissists, we keep returning to that parent, again and again, hoping and wishing that it will be different this time. We focus on gaining approval, validation, acceptance, and love. We jump through any hoop offered. When nothing changes, it triggers more pain and confusion and a continuation of the “I’m not-good-enough’s” and “I-don’t-matter’s.”

              Then we grew up, and we may have started to realize that the problem is not us! There is nothing—and there never was—anything inherently wrong with us, as we may have been led to believe.

              You do not need a formal diagnosis to determine that your relationship is unhealthy. If it is, you can do something about it.

              There’s a Name For It

              “Narcissism Awareness Grief” (NAG) is a condition coined by Dr. Christine Hammond, a Licensed Mental Health Counselor. She teaches that the loss of a mother’s love, warmth, interest, and connection is a momentous loss that must be consciously grieved.

              Narcissism Awareness Grief acknowledges that our mothers’ narcissistic traits have negatively impacted us. When we begin to come to terms with how they have impacted us, we can break through the denial and start working through six stages of grief, to finally arrive at the final phase of Acceptance. When you fully understand and accept that you cannot change or control your mother’s perception of you, the ball is truly in your court. It’s from the point of Acceptance that your life can and will change. Remember, acceptance does not mean liking or agreeing. You can accept that your mother has narcissistic traits, but you don’t have to like it. Accepting and liking are two separate things.

              I remember very well what it was like to experience Narcissism Awareness Grief. As I slowly became aware of how my mother’s narcissistic traits affected me, I felt a mixture of denial, disbelief, and a sense of overwhelming sadness. You see, when we discover that the dysfunction and trauma we experienced as children has an actual name, there’s an initial rush of validation. We suddenly realize that we’re not alone, that we’re not crazy, and that we haven’t imagined it. Narcissistic mistreatment, trauma, and abuse are real things, and we can recover from them.

              Self-care

              What can we adult children of maternal narcissists do to feel better on Mother’s Day?

              Like most days, you can make the day into whatever you want. Here are a few suggestions that can help:

              1. Question the card. Search for a generic Mother’s Day card if you want to send a card at all. Giving a card that says “Best Mom in the World” is an act of denial. The first step to healing is admitting how you feel about your relationship. NO MORE DENIAL. It takes courage not to buy that lying card. If you want to give a card, find one, or make one that better acknowledges how you feel.
              2. Eliminate expectations. You can’t be disappointed if you don’t expect anything to be different this year. Learn to drop expectations.
              3. Make new traditions. Do the day differently. Celebrate yourself! Do something you enjoy, whether solo or with a friend. Focus on self-care.
              4. Feel and express your feelings. Give yourself permission to feel and express whatever you’re feeling. Give yourself space to cry, be angry, feel unloved, or grieve. Acknowledge that you have reason to feel these feelings, and validate your childhood memories. Write it all in a journal to get it out of your system in a healthy way.
              5. Shift the focus. Practice gratitude, speak healing affirmations, or do something nice for someone else.
              6. Make an appointment. If Mother’s Day annually triggers anxiety or depression, give yourself the gift of scheduled time with a professional to start the healing process.
              7. Seek support. Find support groups in your area or online. Talking with others who understand narcissism dynamics can help in your healing journey. And as always, don’t try to explain it to those who don’t. Others who don’t understand narcissism may unknowingly invalidate you, causing further pain or trauma.
              8. Express gratitude to the mothers you know who are loving and kind. Honor other women who have given you motherly love, perhaps a grandmother, aunt, or friend.
              9. If you are a mother, work to end the legacy of one-sided love. Acknowledge and be grateful for your ability to love.
              10. Start working on a recovery program, so you don’t pass the legacy down to your children. If you are already working on healing, good for you! Do the work!

              On Mother’s Day, let’s all honor the mothers who have given their children the gifts of love and nurturing. Let’s applaud the mothers who are working on a program to change the family legacy of narcissistic mistreatment or abuse. And at the same time, let’s acknowledge the truths of the daughters and sons of mothers who cannot show love to their children.

              You’re all in my thoughts,

              Diane



              Could you be feeling the effects of Narcissism Awareness Grief? Download the free chapter to find out:

              EXPERIENCING NARCISSISM AWARENESS GRIEF

              from Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism



              Tools for Healing

              Start using positive detachment

              Learn about Narcissism Awareness Grief

              Learn to set boundaries

              Learn about dysfunctional family roles

              Understand trauma bonds

              Learn about codependency and maladaptive coping skills

              Understand the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle

              Learn to drop expectations

              More Resources You May Like:

              Visit the TOXIC UNDO for More Healing

              Join the Free Email Survival Course:

              Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.

              Private Facebook group included for members only.

              Register Here!
              Free 8-week email Survival Course

                I respect your privacy. Unsubscribe at anytime.

                Get the TOOLBOX APP

                for instant information, support, and validation!

                Toolbox-App-on-Website-2 When Mother's Day Hurts
                GOOGLEPLAY-EMBLEM When Mother's Day Hurts
                app-store-logo When Mother's Day Hurts

                2-1024x1024 When Mother's Day Hurts

                I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self, Workbook and Journal, by Diane Metcalf

                Experience the power of self-affirmation: using positive statements to improve well-being and performance. Learn research-based steps to write the most effective affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things.

                Get it Here:

                Author’s Site: Free Shipping
                Barnes and Noble
                Amazon
                Browse the Positivity Shop

                Get the TOOLBOX posts twice monthly in your inbox!

                Sign-up for twice monthly coping and healing strategies right to your inbox!
                ​
                ​
                Your Free Gift:
                An Inner Child Guided Healing Meditation MP3

                  We respect your privacy. Unsubscribe at anytime.

                  3D-3-book-series When Mother's Day Hurts

                  About the Author

                  Facetune_06-05-2021-18-24-57-150x150 When Mother's Day Hurts

                  As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping and healing strategies. She happily shares those with those who want to learn and grow in their own recovery journies. 

                  Diane is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer on narcissism, family dysfunction, and abuse. She draws from her personal childhood experiences, as well as her work in human service fields like domestic violence and partner abuse. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.

                  Her transformational books about healing and moving forward include the highly praised “Lemon Moms” series. This emotionally supportive collection explains narcissistic traits and teaches how to reconcile past hurts to begin self-nurturing, healing, and moving forward.

                  See what’s new on DianeMetcalf.com

                  Learn about the Lemon Moms series: Lemon Moms

                  This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

                  Read more

                  Please share!

                  Reading time: 9 min
                  C-PTSD•Cognitive Dissonance•Gaslighting

                  Understanding Cognitive Dissonance

                  cognitive dissonance and gaslighting
                  April 4, 2022 by Diane M. Metcalf, MS No Comments

                  Cognitive dissonance is a type of mental stress that results from struggling to correct that surreal feeling between what we know to be real, and what we are told is real. It is the component of gaslighting that is the biggest cause of C-PTSD. Cognitive dissonance is the confusion and mental discomfort you experience when you live with contradictory beliefs, ideas, or values. It indicates a state of living with continually opposing or conflicting viewpoints, beliefs, or behaviors. It’s usually the result of manipulation, and specifically of gaslighting. To restore emotional balance, the affected person must change (or remove) the inconsistencies and conflicts. Most of us do this on an ongoing basis, without conscious awareness.​

                  Quick Document Links:

                  • Cognitive dissonance has a dark side, and it’s harmful
                  • Self gaslighting
                  • How cognitive dissonance is resolved
                  • Tools for Healing

                  If you grew up in a narcissistic home you’ve probably experienced cognitive dissonance and have felt the resulting and ongoing confusion. Human beings weren’t meant to continually live in a state of confusion. Not knowing what to believe, what to expect, and not being able to trust our feelings, judgment, or senses is overwhelming and painful. Our natural state of “being” requires that our thoughts and interactions make sense because we need stability and security to be emotionally healthy and balanced. When we feel doubtful of our reality, or are so fearful of making a decision that we’re emotionally paralyzed, it may be the result of cognitive dissonance.

                  Although it doesn’t sound like it, some types of cognitive dissonance can be healthy. For example, guilt is a positive and healthy form of cognitive dissonance. Guilt allows us to see the discrepancy between “this is who I say I am, but this is what I did.” We feel guilty when “who we are” and “what we did” are not aligned. This misalignment causes us to feel empathy for the person we wronged. For example, if I believe I’m a gentle, kind, and loving person, and I make a cruel remark to someone, my perception of “who I am” no longer matches “what I did.” A gentle, kind, and loving person would not say mean things. I would be motivated by guilt to apologize to the person I hurt. The cognitive dissonance provided by our guilt drives us to atone for our actions, which is a positive thing.

                  Cognitive dissonance has a dark side, and it’s harmful

                  When we’re gaslighted regularly, our level of cognitive dissonance grows, and the more out-of-touch we feel. We’re unsure of what’s real and what’s not, what’s true and what’s not, and we don’t know whether to believe our senses or only to accept what we’re told.​

                  We all tell ourselves stories. It’s how we make sense of ourselves and our world. Our egos translate our experiences so that they make sense, but doing so while in a state of cognitive dissonance can keep us stuck. To get unstuck, we might choose to accept the best explanation that we can come up with, regardless of whether it’s accurate.​​​​For example, think about the possible explanations that a six-year-old might create, versus a twenty-year-old or a thirty-five-year-old. Youth and immaturity work against us when we’re gaslighted as kids. We’re not experienced or knowledgeable enough to imagine plausible and realistic explanations. At ten, if my best friend doesn’t reach out, I might think it’s because she doesn’t like me anymore. But at thirty, if I haven’t heard from my friend, I might think it’s because she’s busy with life, working, prioritizing self-care, etc. I can choose any number of explanations, and they’ll align with my current self-concept. 

                  Now, if I formed the belief in childhood that I’m unlovable, and I carried that belief with me into adulthood, my interpretation of others’ behavior will reflect that belief. If I have strong self-esteem, then my interpretation will reflect that. We interpret our reality using these emotional “filters.” It’s important to remember this because our filters can and do change. Our perceptions and interpretations also continually change and develop as we mature physically, intellectually, socially, spiritually, and emotionally.

                  Remember that “beliefs” are thoughts that have emotions attached to them. Eliminating inaccurate beliefs is a primary key to healing. What thoughts and feelings are still connected to your childhood beliefs? For example, if you were told as a child that you were not smart, then as an adult you may still believe it. You may never have examined that belief to determine if it was really true. Instead, you probably accepted and internalized it as truth and took it with you into adulthood. Now as an adult, you can examine it objectively. Make a list of the feelings, thoughts, and actions that come with that belief and write about them at length. Is the belief still relevant today? Why or why not? Explain. It’s helpful to learn about therapeutic approaches like Tapping (Emotional Freedom Technique,) Neurolinguistic Programming, and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy which can eliminate faulty beliefs and help create healthy new ones. Take time to investigate other methods of changing beliefs. We acquired our beliefs as children. As adults, we get to replace them with ones that serve us.

                  gaslighting-150x150 Understanding Cognitive Dissonance

                  Cognitive dissonance is one of the most challenging aspects of healing. Because of gaslighting, we’ve learned to disregard or mistrust our perceptions, judgment, and memory. We may have learned to trust and accept someone else’s interpretation of the world and events and we may now rely on their interpretations, judgment, and perceptions instead of our own.

                  When you were gaslighted as a child, you probably also received unexpected or inappropriate responses. Your response to the gaslighting may have been determined to be incorrect, unreasonable, or shameful. You may have wondered why you received strange looks causing you to question your actions and words. Now, as an adult, you may be fearful for your mental health, and you’re concerned that you may be losing your mind. You may accept that you’re the illogical one or that you’re mentally ill. Gaslighting often leads to depression, anxiety, helplessness, hopelessness, or exhaustion. If it’s severe, you may feel like your sense of self is “fuzzy” and “reality” feels dreamlike. You probably can’t think clearly and have trouble with problem-solving and making decisions. This is more cognitive dissonance as a result of gaslighting.

                  I’d often get confused, stressed, and frustrated when my mother denied doing or saying something I’d witnessed. I’d ask, “You’re saying that I didn’t see what I know I just saw?” And she’d reply in an exasperated or dismayed tone of voice, “You dreamt it,” “You imagined it,” or “So-and-so did that, not me.” It shouldn’t surprise you that I grew up to continue that tradition. I excelled at self-gaslighting. When you convince yourself that you didn’t just hear what you know you heard or that you didn’t just see what you know you saw….you are self-gaslighting. We do it to protect ourselves from further trauma.

                  Self gaslighting

                  For those of us who’ve experienced gaslighting as children, it likely caused harmful cognitive dissonance and reduced us into confused, uncertain, dependent shadows of our true selves. It robbed us of our ability to think logically, make decisions easily, use sound judgment, and recall accurately. Instead, we doubt ourselves, always second-guessing our thoughts, emotions, and decisions. I believe that gaslighting is the most harmful and destructive form of manipulation because it undermines our whole sense of self and crumbles our stability.

                  Self-gaslighting also contributes to cognitive dissonance. When we tell ourselves that someone’s actions or behavior was our fault, we’re self-gaslighting. We may convince ourselves that we somehow provoked their hurtful behavior, or we take responsibility for the things they did to hurt us. When we self-gaslight, we not only accept blame, we intentionally place it on ourselves. We lie to ourselves and then spend precious emotional energy, convincing ourselves that we’re not. It’s exhausting. Throughout your healing process, remind yourself not to do that anymore. Be honest with yourself now. Stand up for yourself and become your own advocate. If you won’t, then who will? Tell yourself the truth and stop accepting gaslighting from anybody, including yourself, period. Practice mindfulness to become aware that you’re doing it and stop every time.

                  Humans have a natural need for their attitudes, beliefs, and behaviors to co-exist peacefully with each other. This is called “cognitive consistency.” Living in a state of cognitive consistency means that we feel stable, relaxed, and secure. For example, if I believe I’m an honest person, and I act accordingly, it means I’ll tell the truth even when it’s uncomfortable or it gets me into trouble. Doing so means I’ll maintain my integrity and my cognitive consistency.

                  How cognitive dissonance is resolved

                  Most of us consciously or unconsciously resolve cognitive dissonance by doing one of these three things:

                  1. Change our thoughts: Choosing this option means you change your thoughts and beliefs to match those of your narcissistic mom. For example, you accept your mother’s perspective that you lack common sense, rather than continue believing that you have sound judgment. Now you agree with your mother, which eliminates the emotional conflict and cognitive dissonance.
                  2. Change our actions: With this approach, you change your behavior, so it matches your beliefs about yourself. Using the above example, you find ways to demonstrate that you actually have sound judgment and common sense. Your actions now match your mindset, eliminating the emotional conflict and cognitive dissonance.
                  3. Justify our perceptions: You really do lack common sense and sound judgment, and you rationalize this by minimizing their value and significance. In essence, you trivialize your lack of common sense and sound judgment to eliminate the emotional conflict and cognitive dissonance.

                  Resolving cognitive dissonance isn’t always done on a conscious level, although we may be aware that we have choices to make. At some point, we’ll use one of the three methods to keep our sanity intact.

                  Eliminating cognitive dissonance isn’t a “one-and-done” thing. Typically, and speaking from my own experience, we play around with the three possibilities for resolution, trying them on and seeing how they fit and feel. Eventually, we settle on one that suits us best and causes us the least mental and emotional stress.

                  Because my mother liked to overwrite my perceptions and memories with her own, I heard a lot of, “I never said that,” “You imagined it,” “You dreamt it,” or “It wasn’t me.” I was in a continual state of self-doubt and confusion from her insistence that I perceived and remembered events inaccurately. My ability to make decisions and to trust my own senses was severely negatively impacted. I eventually came to believe that the discrepancies between my own observations and those of my mother were flaws in my memory and perception. I became obsessed with explaining the disparities between what I observed and what I was told I observed. I remained in a state of cognitive dissonance throughout my childhood. If you can relate, I urge you to start your healing journey now and recover from the resulting cognitive dissonance.

                  Tools for Healing

                  Conscious awareness: Be aware and make conscious choices before acting. Self-awareness releases us from making impulsive and potentially damaging decisions.

                  Self-care: We can only choose to focus on and be responsible for ourselves, our own thoughts, actions, and behavior. The good news is that we can change ourselves with patience, persistence, and practice. We can take responsibility for getting our needs met instead of waiting for someone to change or meet our needs for us. We are in control of ourselves, and no one is responsible for us but us.

                  Practice mindfulness

                  Learn about codependency

                  Take the Adverse Childhood Experiences quiz

                  Learn about Narcissism Awareness Grief

                  Understand the Abuse Cycle

                  Learn about letting go of what you can’t control by using positive detachment

                  Learn about expectations

                  Learn about setting boundaries

                  More Resources You May Like:

                  Visit the TOXIC UNDO for More Healing

                  Join the Free Email Survival Course:

                  Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.

                  Private Facebook group included for members only.

                  Register Here!
                  Free 8-week email Survival Course

                    I respect your privacy. Unsubscribe at anytime.

                    Get the TOOLBOX APP

                    for instant information, support, and validation!

                    Toolbox-App-on-Website-2 Understanding Cognitive Dissonance
                    GOOGLEPLAY-EMBLEM Understanding Cognitive Dissonance
                    app-store-logo Understanding Cognitive Dissonance

                    2-1024x1024 Understanding Cognitive Dissonance

                    I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self, Workbook and Journal, by Diane Metcalf

                    Experience the power of self-affirmation: using positive statements to improve well-being and performance. Learn research-based steps to write the most effective affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things.

                    Get it Here:

                    Author’s Site: Free Shipping
                    Barnes and Noble
                    Amazon
                    Browse the Positivity Shop

                    Get the TOOLBOX posts twice monthly in your inbox!

                    Sign-up for twice monthly coping and healing strategies right to your inbox!
                    ​
                    ​
                    Your Free Gift:
                    An Inner Child Guided Healing Meditation MP3

                      We respect your privacy. Unsubscribe at anytime.

                      3D-3-book-series Understanding Cognitive Dissonance

                      About the Author

                      Facetune_06-05-2021-18-24-57-150x150 Understanding Cognitive Dissonance

                      As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping and healing strategies. She happily shares those with those who want to learn and grow in their own recovery journies. 

                      Diane is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer on narcissism, family dysfunction, and abuse. She draws from her personal childhood experiences, as well as her work in human service fields like domestic violence and partner abuse. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.

                      Her transformational books about healing and moving forward include the highly praised “Lemon Moms” series. This emotionally supportive collection explains narcissistic traits and teaches how to reconcile past hurts to begin self-nurturing, healing, and moving forward.

                      See what’s new on DianeMetcalf.com

                      Learn about the Lemon Moms series: Lemon Moms

                      This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

                      Read more

                      Please share!

                      Reading time: 10 min
                      Boundaries•Healing Affirmations•Scapegoating•Self-talk

                      How Verbal Abuse Affects Us

                      Self Talk
                      October 18, 2021 by Diane M. Metcalf, MS No Comments

                      Narcissism specialists say that we have two choices when dealing with narcissists and those on the narcissistic spectrum: live on their terms or go “no contact.” I suggest we have a third option: walk through the chaos and confusion armed with new strategies and coping skills and protected by solid, healthy boundaries.

                      Quick Links:

                      • Getting There
                      • Words Matter
                      • Pleasing and Appeasing
                      • How Affirmations Work
                      • A Positive Mindset
                      • Affirmation Theory
                      • The Research
                      • More tools for healing:

                      Getting There

                      In my own recovery journey, reading, researching, and working through various therapies eventually led me into Narcissism Awareness Grief (NAG).  I finally acknowledged my negative, traumatic childhood experiences and learned how, unhealed, they affected my adult relationships. I diligently worked through the stages of NAG and continued learning new coping skills like setting boundaries, positively emotionally detaching, and practicing strategic communication. As I found my voice and spoke my truth, my confidence and self-esteem grew. I began feeling whole and worthy for the first time in my life.

                      If you’ve read “Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism,” you know that one of the ways my mother manipulated and controlled me as a child was to use the fear of abandonment. She threatened to give me away, put me in an orphanage, or send me to live with my father, whom she repeatedly said: “didn’t love us or want anything to do with us.” I lived in constant fear of doing the “right thing,” whatever the right thing was at any particular time. “The right thing” could and did change without warning, so I needed to remain constantly alert for changes in her tone of voice, behavior, and our home environment.

                      My mom parented by blaming, shaming, intimidating, threatening, and physically punishing. In the earliest years of my life, I learned that I was somehow to blame for everything that displeased her.  Second-guessing and doubting myself became my way of life. I felt like a burden, believing that I made her life harder simply because I existed. I stayed out of her way as much as possible. I grew up feeling lonely and alone.

                      My mother shared her thoughts and feelings with me in frightening, highly emotionally charged, biased, and inappropriate ways. Gaslighting and the resulting cognitive dissonance distorted my perceptions and beliefs. At age eight, my codependency had begun. Her behavior initiated the codependency process, and her words guaranteed it.

                      Words Matter

                      Written words, spoken words, they all matter. It matters what people say to you, and it matters what you say to yourself. If you live with a narcissist or toxic person (or have one in your life,) you already know that it can negatively affect how you think about yourself, what you tell yourself, and how you treat yourself.

                      Oblivious of my codependency, her words and my own negative self-talk combined to confirm my beliefs that I was unlovable, would never be good enough, and didn’t matter.

                      The combination of the negative self-talk and the limiting beliefs kept me in a state of learned helplessness. Eventually, as an adult, I woke up to the fact that I was stuck. I’d been repeating the same hurtful relationship patterns throughout my adult life and wondering why I was unhappy. Finally, I realized that something had to change. So, among other things, I started examining, questioning and then changing my unsupportive inner dialogue into supportive, positive self-talk. I watched in awe as my limiting beliefs began to fade away. As I started thinking differently about myself, my self-identity changed. My opinions about myself changed. I changed.

                      Pleasing and Appeasing

                      I talk about codependency a  lot in Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism. Codependency is at the very core of the changes we need to make in ourselves, so we can heal from the mistreatment or abuse.

                      Codependency is described as a set of maladaptive coping skills. They are typically learned in childhood when feeling unsafe in the home environment. Living with real or perceived threats makes it necessary for those growing up like this to monitor their settings and control people and outcomes to feel safe. It eventually feels natural to do this, and it becomes a way of life. Codependency can also be learned by imitating other codependents. It can be passed down through generations. This is known as “generational trauma.”

                      If we’re codependent, we became that way as a survival mechanism. Becoming codependent helped us survive a chaotic, confusing, and possibly dangerous environment. Then we grew up and found ourselves to be “people-pleasers” who willingly play by the rules of others and lose our identity in the process. We rely on others for a sense of identity, approval, or affirmation. We support and “enable” others in their addictions, mental illness, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement. As adults, we can eliminate codependent thinking and acting by learning new tools, skills, and strategies.

                      When we’re bogged down in codependency, it’s impossible to know our true, authentic selves. But by using affirmations, we can become aware of our codependent thoughts and behavior and replace them with healthy, functional ones. And we can finally get to know our real selves.

                      How Affirmations Work

                      Affirmations remind us of who we are when we are our authentic selves. By writing and speaking positive affirmations, we can begin honoring and eventually becoming our true selves. Affirmations help us to find ourselves and create our best lives possible.

                      A Positive Mindset

                      Affirmations are designed to promote an optimistic mindset; they have been shown to reduce the tendency to dwell on negative experiences (Wiesenfeld et al., 2001.) Optimism is powerful! When we replace negative thoughts with positive ones, we create a whole new narrative around “who we are” and what we can accomplish.

                      pexels-prasanth-inturi-1051838-300x180 How Verbal Abuse Affects Us

                      Affirmation Theory

                      There are three fundamental ideas involved in self-affirmation theory. First, correctly written affirmations work according to this theory:

                      1. By using positive affirmations, we can change our self-identity. Affirmations reinforce a newly created self-narrative; we become flexible and capable of adapting to different conditions (Cohen & Sherman, 2014.) Now, instead of viewing ourselves in a fixed or rigid way (for example, as “lazy”), we are flexible in our thoughts. We can adopt a broader range of “identities” and roles and define things like “success” differently. We can view various aspects of ourselves as positive and adapt to different situations more easily (Aronson, 1969.)
                      2. Self-identity is not about being exceptional, perfect, or excellent (Cohen & Sherman, 2014). Instead, we need to be competent and adequate in areas that we value  (Steele, 1988.)
                      3. We maintain self-integrity by behaving in ways that genuinely deserve acknowledgment and praise. We say an affirmation because we want to integrate that particular personal value into our own identity.

                      The Research

                      Affirmation research focuses on how individuals adapt to information or experiences that threaten their self-image. Today, self-affirmation theory remains well-studied throughout social psychological research.

                      Self-affirmation theory has led to research in neuroscience and investigating whether we can “see” how the brain changes using imaging technology while using positive affirmations. MRI evidence suggests that specific neural pathways increase when we speak affirmations (Cascio et al., 2016). For example, the “ventromedial prefrontal cortex,” involved in positive self-evaluation and self-related information processing, becomes more active when we speak positively about our values (Falk et al., 2015; Cascio et al., 2016).

                      The evidence suggests that affirmations are beneficial in multiple ways.

                      Positive affirmations:

                      1. have been shown to decrease health-related stress (Sherman et al., 2009; Critcher & Dunning, 2015.)
                      2. have been used effectively in “Positive Psychology Interventions,” or PPI, scientific tools and strategies used for increasing happiness, well-being, positive thinking, and emotions (Keyes, Fredrickson, & Park, 2012.)
                      3. may help change the perception of otherwise “threatening” messages (Logel & Cohen, 2012.)
                      4. can help us set our intention to change for the better (Harris et al., 2007) (Epton & Harris, 2008.)
                      5. have been positively linked to academic achievement by lessening GPA decline in students who felt isolated in college (Layous et al., 2017.)
                      6. have been demonstrated to lower stress (Koole et al., 1999; Weisenfeld et al., 2001.)
                      7. provide health benefits by helping us respond in a less defensive or resistant manner when we perceive threats.

                      In a nutshell, using affirmations allows us to create an adaptive, broader self-concept, making us more resilient to life’s struggles. A broader self-concept is a valuable tool!

                      More tools for healing:

                      Learn how to protect yourself with boundaries 

                      Learn about dysfunctional family roles

                      Learn about codependency 

                      Understand the narcissistic abuse cycle

                      Learn about Narcissism Awareness Grief

                      Let go of what you can’t control using positive detachment

                      Learn why expectations can be harmful

                      More Resources You May Like:

                      Visit the TOXIC UNDO for More Healing

                      Join the Free Email Survival Course:

                      Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.

                      Private Facebook group included for members only.

                      Register Here!
                      Free 8-week email Survival Course

                        I respect your privacy. Unsubscribe at anytime.

                        Get the TOOLBOX APP

                        for instant information, support, and validation!

                        Toolbox-App-on-Website-2 How Verbal Abuse Affects Us
                        GOOGLEPLAY-EMBLEM How Verbal Abuse Affects Us
                        app-store-logo How Verbal Abuse Affects Us

                        2-1024x1024 How Verbal Abuse Affects Us

                        I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self, Workbook and Journal, by Diane Metcalf

                        Experience the power of self-affirmation: using positive statements to improve well-being and performance. Learn research-based steps to write the most effective affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things.

                        Get it Here:

                        Author’s Site: Free Shipping
                        Barnes and Noble
                        Amazon
                        Browse the Positivity Shop

                        Get the TOOLBOX posts twice monthly in your inbox!

                        Sign-up for twice monthly coping and healing strategies right to your inbox!
                        ​
                        ​
                        Your Free Gift:
                        An Inner Child Guided Healing Meditation MP3

                          We respect your privacy. Unsubscribe at anytime.

                          3D-3-book-series How Verbal Abuse Affects Us

                          About the Author

                          Facetune_06-05-2021-18-24-57-150x150 How Verbal Abuse Affects Us

                          As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping and healing strategies. She happily shares those with those who want to learn and grow in their own recovery journies. 

                          Diane is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer on narcissism, family dysfunction, and abuse. She draws from her personal childhood experiences, as well as her work in human service fields like domestic violence and partner abuse. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.

                          Her transformational books about healing and moving forward include the highly praised “Lemon Moms” series. This emotionally supportive collection explains narcissistic traits and teaches how to reconcile past hurts to begin self-nurturing, healing, and moving forward.

                          See what’s new on DianeMetcalf.com

                          Learn about the Lemon Moms series: Lemon Moms

                          This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

                          Read more

                          Please share!

                          Reading time: 7 min
                          Page 1 of 3123»
                          Would You Like to Help Support the Toolbox?

                          Tip Jar
                          Do You Have Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome?

                          FIND OUT HERE

                          Coming 2023

                          Topic: How to identify toxic, unsupportive, narcissistic, and non-nurturing people, and what to do if you’re in a relationship with one.

                          Sign up for exclusive access to progress, info, contests, surveys, and the launch team,
                          and be among the first notified when the book is available! (Title and cover subject to change.)

                          Join the Waitlist

                          Recent Posts

                          • Reclaiming Our Power: Moving Beyond Victimhood After Relational Trauma
                          • Lack of Empathy: A Big Red Flag
                          • Starting Fresh Requires Looking Back
                          • Does Your Self-talk Need a Makeover?
                          • Breaking Free from Shame: Overcoming the Lies of Narcissistic Trauma Bonding

                          Older Posts

                          • March 2023
                          • February 2023
                          • January 2023
                          • December 2022
                          • November 2022
                          • October 2022
                          • September 2022
                          • August 2022
                          • July 2022
                          • June 2022
                          • May 2022
                          • April 2022
                          • March 2022
                          • February 2022
                          • January 2022
                          • December 2021
                          • November 2021
                          • October 2021
                          • September 2021
                          • August 2021
                          • July 2021
                          • June 2021
                          • May 2021
                          • April 2021
                          • March 2021
                          • February 2021
                          • January 2021
                          • December 2020
                          • November 2020
                          • October 2020
                          • September 2020
                          • August 2020
                          • July 2020
                          • June 2020
                          • May 2020
                          • April 2020
                          • March 2020
                          • February 2020
                          • January 2020
                          • December 2019
                          • November 2019
                          • October 2019
                          • September 2019
                          • August 2019
                          • July 2019
                          • June 2019
                          • May 2019
                          • April 2019
                          • March 2019
                          • February 2019
                          • January 2019

                          Categories

                          • Anger
                          • Books
                          • Boundaries
                          • C-PTSD
                          • Codependency
                          • Cognitive Dissonance
                          • Detaching
                          • Gaslighting
                          • Healing Affirmations
                          • Isolation
                          • Narcissism
                          • Resources
                          • Scapegoating
                          • Self Care
                          • Self-talk
                          • Shame
                          • Trauma
                          • Well-being

                          © 2023 DianeMetcalf.com | All Rights Reserved 
                           

                           

                          We use cookies to improve your experience. We'll assume you're ok with this, but you can opt-out if you wish. Cookie settingsI'd love some cookies!
                          Privacy & Cookies Policy

                          Privacy Overview

                          This website uses cookies to improve your experience while you navigate through the website. Out of these cookies, the cookies that are categorized as necessary are stored on your browser as they are as essential for the working of basic functionalities of the website. We also use third-party cookies that help us analyze and understand how you use this website. These cookies will be stored in your browser only with your consent. You also have the option to opt-out of these cookies. But opting out of some of these cookies may have an effect on your browsing experience.
                          Necessary
                          Always Enabled
                          Necessary cookies are absolutely essential for the website to function properly. This category only includes cookies that ensures basic functionalities and security features of the website. These cookies do not store any personal information.
                          SAVE & ACCEPT