Quick Links

How Narcissism Awareness Grief Can Empower You

When you recall old hurtful or traumatic memories now alongside your new understanding of narcissism, you may feel disappointed or angry by the realization that someone important to you has narcissistic traits. It’s OK to acknowledge that your life experiences could have been different if this person didn’t have those traits, or didn’t mistreat you because of them. It’s more than OK to feel everything you’re feeling. All of us get hurt, sometimes because of our own decisions, and sometimes because of others’ choices or behavior. It’s natural to feel wronged, angry, or confused when someone important to us mistreats or hurts us.

After the stunning revelation that their behavior is because of something within them that you didn’t cause, can’t cure, and have no control over, you’ll begin to understand that the way you interact with them is a choice. You will start seeing more clearly what’s happening in your interactions. You’ll start using tools like the Grey Rock Method, and other strategies. Instead, of losing yourself, or losing control of your emotions, you’ll learn to not respond at all. You’ll learn how to stop providing the narcissistic supply.

And you’ll stop hoping for the day that they will admit their hurtful behavior and apologize to you. You’ll stop imagining the validation you’ll feel when they finally realize how much they’ve hurt you as they begin feeling remorse for their behavior. Narcissists believe they’re never wrong, never do anything hurtful, never make mistakes. They can’t feel guilty because to feel guilt, they’d have to take responsibility for their actions and admit their transgressions. They’d have to feel empathy. But narcissists do not feel emotional empathy. Instead, they justify their actions or blame someone for them. It’s never their fault; it’s always someone else’s. The sooner you can accept that they don’t feel responsibility, remorse, or guilt and that they aren’t going to apologize, the sooner you’ll be able to move on.

The healing process can be complex and lengthy.

Some of us feel further traumatized by the realization that we didn’t understand when it happened that the treatment we endured was actually abusive. We might feel sick, enraged, guilty, ashamed, or numb as we comprehend this. It’s emotionally challenging to think of someone as an abuser. If we attain this insight and call it what it is, we may also begin questioning more aspects of the relationship.

Whatever you feel, please don’t judge yourself for feeling it. Accept what you feel, and know that if you do the work to heal yourself, you’ll come out on the other side. Expect to feel a wide range of emotions, and let them come. They are there for a reason. Be kind to yourself and let yourself feel and process the dazzling and unbelievable insights you will have. They are cannon events leading to tremendous personal growth.

Recovering from any type of trauma or abuse is a complicated process, mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. But it can be done.

The Journey of Narcissism Awareness Grief and Healing

In recovery and healing, there is no timeline. You can set parameters, but you can’t force them. Healing takes as long as it takes. Everyone on this journey is on their own unique path, and no two are alike. We may have support, and friends may accompany us now and then, but the track is narrow. Even when we work with a therapist, we walk through the vastness of the dark, scary place called “healing” mostly alone.

What we see, hear, learn, and do along the way in recovery becomes part of our life experience. These recovery experiences will change us as individuals, and we alone get to determine whether they’ll be positive or negative changes.

It’s important that we don’t compare our recovery journey with someone else’s. There is no competition. There is no comparison. This healing journey is exclusively for you. It’s your time to acknowledge and recognize some hard truths. Healing is a gift we give to ourselves, to finally deal with the emotional pain, memories, and triggers, so we can be free of these influences once and for all.

When we’re focused on recovery, we need to consciously set aside time, regularly, for doing the recovery work. It takes awareness, focus, and commitment to do this. I believe that the more structured we are, the more we will see and feel the healing taking place. We’re all different, but that’s how it worked for me.

If you’re stuck in any one area of recovery, it’s important to know that you need to nudge yourself forward and keep going. I got stuck too, at several points.

Sometimes self-help is enough, but other times we need something more. Please give yourself the gift of working with a therapist if your progress has stalled. We owe it to ourselves to do everything we can to heal.

During the recovery process, you might feel tired, emotionally drained, or even exhausted. Personally, depending on the type and amount of work I did, I sometimes felt like I’d been hit by a truck. There were times I felt depressed or angry and days when my eyes hurt from crying. You might feel like quitting; you might find yourself thinking thoughts like: forget it, it isn’t working, nothing’s happening except for remembering painful times that I don’t want to remember. Based on my own experience, all of those are signs that I was actually making progress. For me, the only way out of the trauma was through the trauma. And trauma specialists agree with that principle.

From Denial to Acceptance

The bottled-up emotions that we weren’t allowed to express are still inside, demanding to be recognized and affirmed. Those feelings (or their effects) don’t magically disappear just because years have gone by. They’re still there, waiting to be acknowledged. They won’t go away until we do that.

We alone experienced these events, and we alone retain the memories, even if others were living in the household with us. Healing requires the validation of our experiences and our memories. Give yourself the gift of validating what you survived. Believe your memories. Acknowledge that events happened the way you remember.

Healing isn’t about eliminating symptoms, but rather addressing the root causes of the pain. When we start working through the trauma, we can finally begin to acknowledge and process the feelings that we were never allowed to recognize or vocalize. We can do that now and finally release them. Afterward, when we remember, we won’t have those old, familiar, emotional reactions anymore because we’ve worked through them. “Remembering” is validation. “Feeling” is validation. We didn’t get any kind of validation when we were in the abusive environment. It’s time to validate ourselves.

So, in my own journey, I recalled the memories, felt the confusion, anger, guilt, shame, and humiliation, and acknowledged that what I was re-experiencing really happened—no more gaslighting myself or denying it. I had to bring it all back up into the light where I could really see it, look at it, sift through it, and feel it all again one final time, the LAST time, with my new perspectives and understanding of narcissism, and be done with it.

If your heart validates your painful experiences, try to be grateful for that. Listen when your heart speaks to you. You probably have questions, and you want answers. But, in fact, as you heal, having “answers” may actually become irrelevant. Sometimes it’s not “answers” that hold the key to healing, but rather it’s understanding that who we are now is the result of all our past experiences, both the good and the bad. Going forward nurturing and caring for our newly discovered selves is what will determine who we are tomorrow and every day after that.

We are survivors.

Navigating the Recovery Process: Tips and Strategies for Healing from Narcissistic Abuse

Healing from any hurtful or toxic event depends heavily on your own attitude. How we feel about ourselves dramatically influences the entire recovery process.

Recovery from narcissistic abuse includes replacing negative thoughts and beliefs with new ones. We need to learn new ways of coping with stress, rid ourselves of self-sacrificing behaviors, (people-pleasing,) practice excellent self-care, and surround ourselves with people who validate our daily experiences.

Any recovery work requires the willingness to be open to new ideas about self-love, self-respect, personal growth, self-acceptance, and even forgiveness. Healing requires a willingness to do the work to become a new and better version of ourselves.

While it’s daunting to figure out how to begin the recovery process, I suggest that you keep an open mind, do your research, and experiment with different approaches to see what works best for you.

You’ll have good days and not-so-good ones. I can tell you from experience that you’ll want to give up at times. You might feel you aren’t making progress or that it’s not worth it because of how painful and difficult it can be.

If you feel comfortable, tell your story to someone who has earned the right to hear your story. If they don’t understand narcissism or abuse, you risk being re-traumatized by their response. It should be someone you trust, and who cares about your well-being and supports you. You can journal, or talk with a recovered, trustworthy family member, emotionally stable friend, counselor, abuse recovery therapist, certified trauma recovery life coach, C-PTSD specialist, or narcissistic abuse/trauma support group.

Support groups are great for validating our feelings because the members have all had similar experiences. There is no judgment, shame, or anxiety about sharing those experiences. Ideally, everybody in the group is interested, supportive, and motivated to recover and move forward.

There are many healing and recovery modalities for abuse and trauma, facilitated by experts in their fields. Give any method you try a reasonable chance. Nothing works overnight. Be fair to yourself by allowing your methodology to have a real effect and make a difference.

You may find yourself hesitating because you’re anxious or fearful of the next steps. Or maybe you don’t want to revisit or reexperience specific or unknown upsetting events. Maybe you don’t want to find out what you’ll feel or discover next. I think if that’s true, then working with a professional would be something to consider strongly. A professional could help you identify ways to get unstuck. Sometimes a shift in attitude or perspective is what it takes. Or you might benefit from trying a new or different approach, whether that means a different form of therapy, a different therapist, or adding additional treatment. Whatever it takes, I hope you do it.

Tools for Healing

Find out if you’re a people-pleaser 

See what verbal abuse does

Protect yourself with boundaries 

Learn about the narcissistic abuse cycle

Find out if you have Trauma Bonds

Read about dysfunctional family roles

Join the Free Email Survival Course:

Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.

Private Facebook group included for members only.

Join the Waitlist!

When someone’s vibe feels “icky,” or they have “unusual” personality quirks, would you know if they are genuine warning signs or if you could be in danger?

Coming Fall/Winter 2023

Icks, Personality Quirks, or Warning Signs? How to Know the Difference, by Diane Metcalf

Sign up for exclusive access to free chapters, progress, contests, and launch team, and be notified when it’s available!

Discover the Secrets of Identifying Danger

Have you been caught off guard by toxic individuals?
Want to enhance your ability to spot warning signs and protect yourself from emotional mistreatment and abuse? Look no further!

This upcoming book delves deep into the complexities of human behavior, guiding you through the maze of narcissists, psychopaths, manipulators, liars, and self-absorbed individuals.
Learn the crucial skills to differentiate between harmless eccentricities and genuine red flags.

Feel empowered to rescue, protect and heal yourself from their mistreatment or abuse

I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self, Workbook and Journal, by Diane Metcalf

Experience the power of self-affirmation: using positive statements to improve well-being and performance. Learn research-based steps to write the most effective affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things.

Get it Here:

Author’s Site: Free Shipping

Barnes and Noble

Amazon

Browse the Positivity Shop

Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism, by Diane Metcalf

For as long as I can remember, there was something “different” about my mother. She wasn’t like other mothers.

My mom didn’t hug or kiss, smile at, spend time with, or play with me. She never seemed happy to see me. She didn’t ask about my school day and wasn’t interested in knowing my friends. She seemed to have no interest in me or anything that I did. My mom called me hurtful names and obscenities, and at times, she ignored me, not speaking to me for days, weeks, or even months. When she felt sad I was expected to emotionally care-take her. When she didn’t feel like parenting, I was responsible for my siblings. When she lost her temper she hit. When I was disobedient, there were bizarre punishments.

I was not allowed to express feelings, ask questions, or show initiative or curiosity. My feelings were discounted, minimized, or invalidated. She re-wrote my memories, and I was expected to believe her version. I was to obey, stay quiet, and not question.

If any of this sounds familiar, you are not alone. If there is manipulation, power struggles, or cruelty in your relationship, this book can help. If you second-guess your memory, doubt your judgment or sanity, or continually seek your mother’s withheld affection, attention, approval, or love, this book can explain why.

Learn More

or

Get it Here:

Author’s Site: Free Shipping

Barnes and Noble

Amazon

Get the TOOLBOX posts twice monthly in your inbox!

About the Author

Drawing from her personal experiences of growing up in a dysfunctional household, Diane Metcalf has developed effective coping and healing strategies. With the assistance of professional therapists and mindful personal growth, she has honed her skills and now happily shares them with others who are interested in learning and growing.

As an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer, Diane is well-versed in topics such as narcissism, family dysfunction, abuse, and recognizing warning signs. Her extensive knowledge is drawn not only from her personal experiences, but also from her work in human service fields, including domestic violence, partner abuse, and court advocacy. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.

Diane’s transformational books on healing and personal growth, such as the highly acclaimed “Lemon Moms” series, offer emotional support and guidance in understanding narcissistic traits and healing past wounds. Her approach emphasizes self-awareness, intention, self-care, and establishing healthy boundaries as essential components in the healing process.

Learn more about the Lemon Moms series: Lemon Moms

See what’s happening on DianeMetcalf.com

This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

Quick Links:

It’s worth acknowledging that mothering is a learned behavior and that there’s a wide spectrum of maternal behaviors, from healthy to toxic. If you have a narcissistic mother, or one who is self-absorbed, lacks empathy, and manipulates her children, Mother’s Day may bring up mixed emotions for you. You’re not alone if you struggle with feelings of guilt, shame, or confusion when it comes to this day.

Healing Wounds of Maternal Narcissism

When I decided to actively pursue healing and personal growth, a therapist presented the idea that my mother may have an undiagnosed and untreated mental illness, most likely a personality disorder. This was exciting and validating news for me because I had entertained that idea for a while. As I came to grips with the impact that my mother’s probable mental illness had on me, I felt a range of conflicting emotions.

A Journey of Self-Discovery and Recovery

Dr. Christine Hammond, a licensed mental health counselor who works with exhausted women and their families, has coined the term “Narcissism Awareness Grief” (NAG). NAG acknowledges the loss of a mother’s love, warmth, interest, and connection and recognizes that our mothers’ narcissistic traits have negatively impacted us. Through this acknowledgment, we can work through the six stages of Narcissism Awareness Grief, to arrive at the final phase: Acceptance. Within Acceptance, we don’t continue the relationship as it has been. Instead, we accept the fact that our mother will not change, and we stop trying to help her to change. This gives us a tremendous opportunity to move forward.

When you fully understand and accept that you cannot change or control your mother’s perception of you, the ball is truly in your court. It’s from the point of Acceptance that your life can change. I remember very clearly what it was like to experience Narcissism Awareness Grief. As I slowly became aware of the effects that my mother’s narcissistic traits had on me, I felt a mixture of shock, denial, disbelief, and a sense of overwhelming sadness. But realizing that my experience had a name, Narcissistic Victim Syndrome, and that I wasn’t the only one experiencing it, was a massive relief. Narcissistic trauma and abuse are real things, and we can recover from them. When we do, we discover that there’s nothing inherently wrong with us that makes us unlovable, as we may have been led to believe.

A Third Option

Unfortunately, in a mother and adult child relationship, cultural opinions often place the blame on the adult child for any relational issues. This contributes to their becoming stuck in a cycle of self-blame and wondering if anyone can truly love them if their own mother cannot. And when it comes to relationships with narcissists, experts often suggest that we have only two options: live on the narcissist’s terms, continually seeking their withheld love, acceptance, and affection or go “no contact.” For me, going “no contact” felt like an all-or-nothing choice that left no flexibility. I believe we have a third option: identify complex trauma symptoms and work to heal them, refuse to accept gaslighting and disrespect, learn to detach, lower your expectations, and set healthy, enforceable boundaries. Those actions will help put the relationship on your terms, and will work towards shifting the power dynamics, diminishing her power to continue hurting, humiliating, invalidating, and rejecting.

If you’re interested in learning more, I wrote a book called “Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism.”

Transform Your Relationship with Mother’s Day

Because Mother’s Day can be a challenging time for adult children of maternal narcissists, I’m providing some suggestions that may help:

• Remember, it’s just one day, and you have the power to make it what you want.
• Consider a generic card or skipping the card altogether.
• Let go of expectations and focus on doing something you enjoy instead.
• Allow yourself to feel and express your emotions. Try journaling to help process your emotions.
• Shift your focus; try practicing gratitude, positive affirmations, some great self-care, or doing something kind for someone else.
• Consider seeking professional help if Mother’s Day triggers feelings that are hard to deal with.
• Find support groups online or in your area to connect with others who understand your experiences.
• Honor and express gratitude to loving and kind mothers or other women who have shown you motherly love.
• If you’re a mother, focus on yourself this Mother’s Day, celebrate your motherhood, and reflect on your values. Work to end the legacy of one-sided love.
• Work on your recovery to break the cycle of mistreatment or abuse.
• Acknowledge and support the healing journeys of other adult children.

More Tools for Healing

Traits of a Narcissistic Mother

When a Caregiver is a Narcissist

How to Talk with your Narcissistic Mother

Learn about Dysfunctional Family Roles

Understand the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle

Strategies for Family Get-Togethers

A Makeover for your Self-talk

How Verbal Abuse Hurts Us in More Ways Than One

Healing Cognitive Dissonance

Learn the Gray Rock technique

Join the Free Email Survival Course:

Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.

Private Facebook group included for members only.

Join the Waitlist!

When someone’s vibe feels “icky,” or they have “unusual” personality quirks, would you know if they are genuine warning signs or if you could be in danger?

Coming Fall/Winter 2023

Icks, Personality Quirks, or Warning Signs? How to Know the Difference, by Diane Metcalf

Sign up for exclusive access to free chapters, progress, contests, and launch team, and be notified when it’s available!

Discover the Secrets of Identifying Danger

Have you been caught off guard by toxic individuals?
Want to enhance your ability to spot warning signs and protect yourself from emotional mistreatment and abuse? Look no further!

This upcoming book delves deep into the complexities of human behavior, guiding you through the maze of narcissists, psychopaths, manipulators, liars, and self-absorbed individuals.
Learn the crucial skills to differentiate between harmless eccentricities and genuine red flags.

Feel empowered to rescue, protect and heal yourself from their mistreatment or abuse

I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self, Workbook and Journal, by Diane Metcalf

Experience the power of self-affirmation: using positive statements to improve well-being and performance. Learn research-based steps to write the most effective affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things.

Get it Here:

Author’s Site: Free Shipping

Barnes and Noble

Amazon

Browse the Positivity Shop

Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism, by Diane Metcalf

For as long as I can remember, there was something “different” about my mother. She wasn’t like other mothers.

My mom didn’t hug or kiss, smile at, spend time with, or play with me. She never seemed happy to see me. She didn’t ask about my school day and wasn’t interested in knowing my friends. She seemed to have no interest in me or anything that I did. My mom called me hurtful names and obscenities, and at times, she ignored me, not speaking to me for days, weeks, or even months. When she felt sad I was expected to emotionally care-take her. When she didn’t feel like parenting, I was responsible for my siblings. When she lost her temper she hit. When I was disobedient, there were bizarre punishments.

I was not allowed to express feelings, ask questions, or show initiative or curiosity. My feelings were discounted, minimized, or invalidated. She re-wrote my memories, and I was expected to believe her version. I was to obey, stay quiet, and not question.

If any of this sounds familiar, you are not alone. If there is manipulation, power struggles, or cruelty in your relationship, this book can help. If you second-guess your memory, doubt your judgment or sanity, or continually seek your mother’s withheld affection, attention, approval, or love, this book can explain why.

Learn More

or

Get it Here:

Author’s Site: Free Shipping

Barnes and Noble

Amazon

Get the TOOLBOX posts twice monthly in your inbox!

About the Author

Drawing from her personal experiences of growing up in a dysfunctional household, Diane Metcalf has developed effective coping and healing strategies. With the assistance of professional therapists and mindful personal growth, she has honed her skills and now happily shares them with others who are interested in learning and growing.

As an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer, Diane is well-versed in topics such as narcissism, family dysfunction, abuse, and recognizing warning signs. Her extensive knowledge is drawn not only from her personal experiences, but also from her work in human service fields, including domestic violence, partner abuse, and court advocacy. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.

Diane’s transformational books on healing and personal growth, such as the highly acclaimed “Lemon Moms” series, offer emotional support and guidance in understanding narcissistic traits and healing past wounds. Her approach emphasizes self-awareness, intention, self-care, and establishing healthy boundaries as essential components in the healing process.

Learn more about the Lemon Moms series: Lemon Moms

See what’s happening on DianeMetcalf.com

This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

Quick Links:

Growing up in an oppressive environment meant we couldn’t freely express our feelings or ask questions because no one was interested in them, or it didn’t feel safe to do so. As adults, it is hard for us to talk about personal things or have difficult discussions, and we avoid conflict at all costs.

If we carry the unconscious core belief that we’re somehow fundamentally flawed or undeserving of kindness and love, we may willingly but unintentionally become the dumping ground for others’ emotional garbage. Though we don’t like it, we might unconsciously believe that we don’t deserve anything better than the kind of treatment we endured as kids.

Growing up in a toxic or neglectful environment can create problems that can last a lifetime.

“The conflict between the will to deny horrible events and the will to proclaim them aloud is the central dialectic of psychological trauma.”

—Judith Lewis Herman, Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence—From Domestic Abuse to Political Terror

THE IMPORTANCE OF VALIDATION

Validation is the act of recognizing or affirming someone’s feelings or thoughts as being sound or worthwhile. The act of validating is an essential aspect of parenting because it opens the door to safe communication. Feeling heard and understood allows people to trust, which is a cornerstone of every relationship.

A validating mother listens to what her child is saying. She understands that her child has their own emotions and thoughts, even if she doesn’t necessarily agree with them. Validation is a nonjudgmental and supportive action that requires empathy.

When a child falls and skins her knee, a validating mother will understand that the crying child is in pain and requires some form of caretaking or soothing to feel better. The remedy could simply be a verbal expression of empathy and understanding, (acknowledging that the child is hurting), or hugging and kissing her, or applying antibiotic ointment and a Band-Aid. The point is that this child knows she’s been heard, understood, cared for, and loved. She feels worthy of her mom’s time and effort and believes she’s valued. This is validation. The mother may not think the injury is as severe as the child may believe, but she doesn’t judge. She accepts how the child feels; she doesn’t minimize or negate her child’s feelings.

A validating mother would say something like, “Wow! You’re really crying hard! Your knee must hurt a lot. Let’s see if I can make you feel better.”

In 2016, an observational study was done to see if a relationship existed between a mother’s emotional validation and the degree of awareness her child has about their own emotions. They found that the mother’s degree of emotional validation and invalidation were accurate predictors of the child’s perception of their own emotional state. In other words, a child’s ability to recognize their own emotions comes from being validated by their mother first. (Lambie and Lindberg 2016).

If our mother doesn’t “see us” and validate us as individuals who have thoughts, feelings, and goals of our own, we may start thinking, feeling, or believing that we don’t matter. If we establish this mindset as children, that we’re not good enough, or that it’s OK to be mistreated or unloved, or ignored, then we don’t learn how to validate ourselves. We don’t know how to comfortably acknowledge our positive characteristics or our personal or professional accomplishments, either.

Of course, we may receive validation from other people besides our mothers. Caring adults, older siblings, or a father can affirm and support us too. But being approved of and understood by our mother is a unique and vital experience.

Because validation requires empathy, narcissists will not be able to perform this responsibility.

As I mentioned before, if we haven’t experienced what it’s like to be treated as unique beings who matter, we may form the belief that others’ needs are more important than our own. This is important to note because a belief is created when our feelings become connected with our thoughts (Lamia 2012).

Without examining our original childhood beliefs, we may simply bring them along with us into adulthood, even though they’re no longer relevant, are self-limiting, and are untrue.

When I was four years old, I was alone outside, barefoot, and stubbed my bare big toe; it bled, and my little self knew it was the worst pain I’d ever experienced. I was appalled by the hanging flap of skin and I was understandably frightened.

On this particular day, in response to my limping into the house wailing and interrupting her TV show, my mother angrily grabbed my forearm and hauled me into the bathroom. She proceeded to run water over my foot, adding a whole new dimension of unexpected stinging pain. The entire time, she furiously and loudly berated and humiliated me for running (I wasn’t running), “not looking where you’re going,” and for not knowing “how to walk without hurting myself.” I’d dared to lack the focus and navigational skill required and had burdened her with my injury.

There was no kiss, no hug, no feeling of being understood or valued, cared for, or even loved. There was no Band-Aid. Just continuous berating and humiliating, which ended with an admonishment to be more careful next time and not let it happen again. I was sent back outside, still not knowing what I had done wrong and trying to figure it out, feeling ashamed of myself and embarrassed by my inability to negotiate the walkway safely. I rejected others’ empathy or sympathy for my injury and redirected their attention to anything other than myself. I didn’t feel worthy of anyone’s concern or kindness.

To this day, remembering this event confounds me. Over the years, I’ve explained it in various ways. But the explanation that rings most true is that this must have been a narcissistic injury for my mother. A narcissistic injury is anything that threatens the ‘false self.’ Her rage at me for falling made no sense, and she flipped the scenario to make herself the victim: because of me, she had to get off her chair, miss a portion of her TV show (that was the time before VCRs and DVRs,) and treat my wound. She was angry because I “should have known better” than to cause her this inconvenience.

When I became a mother, I was incredibly aware that I wanted to raise my children very differently than I was. I knew that I sorely lacked healthy parenting skills and parent role models. I wanted to learn how to parent lovingly and responsibly. I needed to learn proper parenting techniques, and I tried to find healthy mother role models to imitate. I was on the lookout for them everywhere I went.

I remember sitting on my porch when my neighbor’s young child fell and hurt herself. The child’s mother ran over and scooped her up, sat her on a step, and examined her bleeding knee. I watched them very carefully. I saw the mother gently blow on the knee, (I had never seen this done before, and thought it probably minimized the sting.) I later learned from the mom that she applied antiseptic, administered a chewable painkiller, and applied a cheerful Band-Aid. The little girl was outside playing again in a matter of minutes. That mom was a validating mother. She affirmed her child in a kind and loving manner, and that was the kind of mother I wanted to be.

Here’s my point: If we don’t learn that we’re unique people who matter simply because we exist, and if we don’t know how to identify our emotions because we’ve never learned how we’re at risk of developing unhealthy coping mechanisms. We may have a hard time accepting when someone likes or tries to befriend us, and we question why they would want to. If someone does something kind for us, we may assume it’s a form of manipulation, or we may be confused by it. When our emotional, psychological, or physical needs go unmet, we often find other ways (possibly harmful or maladaptive) to get by.

PERSONAL LIMITS

When we grow up in an oppressive or toxic environment, we don’t know that there are ways to protect ourselves from mistreatment. We may grow into adults who unconsciously broadcast the message that we exist to be of service to others and that it doesn’t matter how they treat us. As adults, we may accept disrespect, unfair or unkind treatment, and even physical, verbal, and emotional abuse.

If we haven’t seen healthy boundaries modeled, then we don’t know what a healthy boundary looks like or how to create one, so we become hypervigilant instead. This means that a brain structure called the amygdala stores threatening behavior patterns in our memory, causing our focus becomes external. So we focus on others’ behavior and moods, continually alert and ready for anything. This is the fight-flight-freeze response which contributes heavily to C-PTSD, an anxiety disorder caused by trauma.

This preoccupation with focusing on others also contributes to becoming codependent.

INTRODUCING: CODEPENDENCE

When we have low self-worth, it’s natural to feel that we’re not good enough to ask for what we want or need. Instead, we learn to use subtle forms of manipulation to get our needs met. This is a learned survival skill. It developed out of necessity. In order for us to feel emotionally or physically safe, it feels necessary to control as much of our environment as we can in an attempt to avoid nasty surprises. Feeling like we’re in control makes us feel safe. We begin managing aspects of others’ lives, and may even believe that we’re emotionally stronger, more capable, and better at it than they are. When we spend more time taking care of or focusing on others, or when we try to control the outcomes of others’ choices or behavior, we become codependent.

Codependency develops as a self-protective response. It’s a way of coping with a stressful or unhealthy, traumatic, or abusive environment and can be learned by watching and imitating other codependents too. It’s a learned behavior that can be passed down through generations.

Codependents willingly play by others’ “rules,” losing their own identity. It affects a person’s ability to have healthy, mutually satisfying adult relationships.

If we’re codependent, we most likely believe that we know what’s best for other people and their lives, and we think we know how to fix their problems. We want them to follow our unsolicited advice and are often hurt or angered when they don’t.

To a codependent, helping and fixing other people or their problems feels good. They feel needed and are highly attracted to people who could use their help. Codependents enjoy offering suggestions and advice even though they haven’t been asked for them. If we’re codependent, we feel responsible for people and issues that aren’t our responsibility, and if we don’t attempt to help, fix, or control, we often feel guilty or ashamed. It feels wrong not to jump in, take charge, or aid others who seem to be struggling, even though they haven’t reached out for assistance. We seem to have no choice but to take responsibilities that aren’t ours. We just feel that somehow, it’s our job to take action, take over, and fix.

If we’re codependent, we most likely don’t have boundaries. We disclose almost everything we think and do and assume we won’t be believed. We overexplain our choices because if we’ve not enjoyed our mother’s validation (or if we’ve been continually invalidated), we still crave to be heard, understood, and affirmed. We’ll continuously seek affirmation outside of ourselves to feel “good enough” or that we matter. This is called “external validation,” and codependents seek external validation and affirmation any way they can get it. It’s often described as being needy, “clingy,” or insecure.

Codependents continually look for someone to please. We feel the need to make excuses for others’ mistreatment of us or their poor behavior in general. We explain to ourselves why they’re abusing us and why it’s OK for them to do so. We often take the blame. We minimize and deny the pain they cause us. Codependents are known for their discomfort with saying “no.”

Healthy coping mechanisms, on the other hand, help us to make sense of confusing or threatening life experiences and to respond appropriately in wholesome ways. You’ve heard the saying “when life gives you lemons, make lemonade”? Well, that’s a coping skill: taking something negative and turning it into a positive. In reality, nothing has changed. Life has still given us lemons, but instead of getting angry, depressed, or feeling slighted or misunderstood, we choose to look at it another way. When we use healthy coping, we’re able to reframe negative events in a way that feels better.

STARTING FRESH

Looking at our past can be difficult for many reasons. First of all, it hurts. Secondly, we may think it’s pointless because it happened so long ago. But if you’re affected by or struggling with self-esteem, self-confidence, lack of boundaries, anger, or another issue, it could be worthwhile to revisit the past with a therapist, trauma counselor, or other mental health professional. See where and when these issues started and make a treatment plan to resolve them. The second step is doing that work to heal and move forward. The key is getting started.

TOOLS FOR MOVING FORWARD

Learn about Dysfunctional Family Roles: Golden, Invisible, and Scapegoat

Learn about codependency and unhealthy survival skills learned in childhood

Take the Adverse Childhood Experiences quiz

Understand Narcissism Awareness Grief

Let go of what you can’t control by using positive-detachment

Learn to recognize the Cycle of Abuse

Set some boundaries 

Join the Free Email Survival Course:

Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.

Private Facebook group included for members only.

Join the Waitlist!

When someone’s vibe feels “icky,” or they have “unusual” personality quirks, would you know if they are genuine warning signs or if you could be in danger?

Coming Fall/Winter 2023

Icks, Personality Quirks, or Warning Signs? How to Know the Difference, by Diane Metcalf

Sign up for exclusive access to free chapters, progress, contests, and launch team, and be notified when it’s available!

Discover the Secrets of Identifying Danger

Have you been caught off guard by toxic individuals?
Want to enhance your ability to spot warning signs and protect yourself from emotional mistreatment and abuse? Look no further!

This upcoming book delves deep into the complexities of human behavior, guiding you through the maze of narcissists, psychopaths, manipulators, liars, and self-absorbed individuals.
Learn the crucial skills to differentiate between harmless eccentricities and genuine red flags.

Feel empowered to rescue, protect and heal yourself from their mistreatment or abuse

I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self, Workbook and Journal, by Diane Metcalf

Experience the power of self-affirmation: using positive statements to improve well-being and performance. Learn research-based steps to write the most effective affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things.

Get it Here:

Author’s Site: Free Shipping

Barnes and Noble

Amazon

Browse the Positivity Shop

Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism, by Diane Metcalf

For as long as I can remember, there was something “different” about my mother. She wasn’t like other mothers.

My mom didn’t hug or kiss, smile at, spend time with, or play with me. She never seemed happy to see me. She didn’t ask about my school day and wasn’t interested in knowing my friends. She seemed to have no interest in me or anything that I did. My mom called me hurtful names and obscenities, and at times, she ignored me, not speaking to me for days, weeks, or even months. When she felt sad I was expected to emotionally care-take her. When she didn’t feel like parenting, I was responsible for my siblings. When she lost her temper she hit. When I was disobedient, there were bizarre punishments.

I was not allowed to express feelings, ask questions, or show initiative or curiosity. My feelings were discounted, minimized, or invalidated. She re-wrote my memories, and I was expected to believe her version. I was to obey, stay quiet, and not question.

If any of this sounds familiar, you are not alone. If there is manipulation, power struggles, or cruelty in your relationship, this book can help. If you second-guess your memory, doubt your judgment or sanity, or continually seek your mother’s withheld affection, attention, approval, or love, this book can explain why.

Learn More

or

Get it Here:

Author’s Site: Free Shipping

Barnes and Noble

Amazon

Get the TOOLBOX posts twice monthly in your inbox!

About the Author

Drawing from her personal experiences of growing up in a dysfunctional household, Diane Metcalf has developed effective coping and healing strategies. With the assistance of professional therapists and mindful personal growth, she has honed her skills and now happily shares them with others who are interested in learning and growing.

As an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer, Diane is well-versed in topics such as narcissism, family dysfunction, abuse, and recognizing warning signs. Her extensive knowledge is drawn not only from her personal experiences, but also from her work in human service fields, including domestic violence, partner abuse, and court advocacy. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.

Diane’s transformational books on healing and personal growth, such as the highly acclaimed “Lemon Moms” series, offer emotional support and guidance in understanding narcissistic traits and healing past wounds. Her approach emphasizes self-awareness, intention, self-care, and establishing healthy boundaries as essential components in the healing process.

Learn more about the Lemon Moms series: Lemon Moms

See what’s happening on DianeMetcalf.com

This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

Quick Links:

THE POWER OF SHAME IN ABUSE CYCLES: UNDERSTANDING CONTROL TECHNIQUES

Using the word “abusive” to describe any relationship can feel like a sad excuse or blame for unresolved issues. When we use the word “abuse,” it can feel like attention-seeking or sympathy-seeking. It can feel like we’re saying, “poor me; I’m a helpless victim.” The word “abuse” is full of shame.

We may intentionally minimize our painful experiences because we don’t want to think of someone as an “abuser” or ourselves as unwitting targets. Having those thoughts can cause us to feel more ashamed, which affects our core identity. Those of us who’ve experienced traumatic events due to someone’s narcissism may feel a sense of disgust or humiliation in addition to shame and see ourselves in a negative light as compared with others.

The shame of enduring mistreatment or abuse from anyone leaves long-lasting scars.

In her book, “I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Isn’t): Making the Journey from ‘What Will People Think?’ to ‘I Am Enough,’” Brené Brown discusses shame as a “silent epidemic” and something that everybody experiences at some point (2008).

METHODS OF SHAMING

Why does anyone actively shame? In the case of narcissists, it’s because they need to feel superior, and it allows them to put themselves in an untouchable status: it minimizes the future threat of someone expressing embarrassing comments or thoughts about them. Shaming allows a narcissist to feel invincible while eroding their target’s self-confidence, self-esteem, and enjoyment of life. It’s what they do best.

A narcissist will shame someone in a variety of ways:

1. Changing the narrative: After attaining an accomplishment, the narcissist will re-tell the story of the achievement and add a shameful twist. If asked, they’ll jokingly say they did it because they don’t want their target to become self-important or to have a “big head,” but really, it is intended to humiliate.

2. Breaking confidences: Narcissists love to gain embarrassing or humiliating information to use later, so they’ll appear more important or intelligent. A narcissist will keep their target anxious about the possibility that they may share this upsetting information with others.

3. Pointing out flaws: Narcissists believe they have no faults but are very good at identifying those of others. They enjoy shaming their targets by passive-aggressively devaluing them. A narcissist might say, “I was only joking,” or “You’re too sensitive,” if their target is hurt by this behavior.

4. Playing the victim: As we’ve seen, narcissists love to be the victim in their version of reality. A narcissist will purposefully frustrate their target and then use their exasperation to justify flipping the scenario and becoming the victim herself. Then she’ll openly deem her target’s frustrated response as a shameful thing.

5. Blaming: Narcissists don’t take responsibility for their actions. When a narcissist makes a mistake or if something unexpected goes wrong, they’ll place blame on their target. The target has no power to prevent this and can’t change it. It is a no-win situation.

6. Belittling: Narcissists are typically condescending and belittle others by talking down to them, calling them names, implying that they’re jealous or insecure, or telling them to “grow up.” Narcissists enjoy giving the impression that they’ve developed beyond the level that others have.

7. Laying on religious guilt: Every religion has standards and expectations, and a narcissist will use them to guilt their targets into behaving in a particular manner. They may say they’re praying about the target or asking for God’s intercession because the target’s behavior is displeasing to them.

8. Using aggressive tactics: Narcissists personally attack others to make them defensive. Defensive people become highly alert to protect themselves. A narcissist will use defensiveness as a sign of guilt. They’ll accuse the target of wrongdoing even when there hasn’t been any.

9. Playing the expert: Narcissists will sometimes speak authoritatively above a person’s level of understanding or knowledge. They do this to make the person feel inferior. Narcissists do this to be seen as authority figures. They’ll use their vocabulary, posture (looking down), and the elaboration of details as a way of shaming. The message is that they are smarter and more knowledgeable than we’ll ever be.

10. Comparing: As a result of their need to feel superior, narcissists act as though they’ve already outperformed everyone else. They insist they said or did “it” first, and much better. By outdoing their target, a narcissist minimizes their accomplishments, which supports the target’s belief of not being good enough.

11. Physical appearance: Narcissists like to appear physically intimidating or untouchable. They love attention and admiration, so they often dress to get noticed. They may even use their physical appearance as a way to demean and shame others. For example, an athletic narcissist will make hurtful comments to others about their bodies as compared to theirs.

12. Expectations (using “should” or “ought”): A narcissist will frequently play the game of “I told you so” by reminding their target that they didn’t heed given advice. For example, “You should’ve taken your boots like I told you to do. Now your shoes are ruined.”

13. Manipulation: Narcissists don’t ask directly for what they want because it feels like weakness. They don’t want to feel indebted to anyone. They gain an intense feeling of power by controlling and influencing others. They prefer that to openness.

14. Gaslighting: Narcissists like to control others’ beliefs, feelings, thoughts, and perceptions. To do this, they “rewrite” past events casting themselves as either the good guy or the victim. If others disagree with the revised version, the narcissist will mock, humiliate, dismiss their memory as faulty, or say something equally shaming.

15. Dog whistling: This tactic is a form of gaslighting and manipulation. It gets its name from the device called a dog whistle that, because of its pitch, can only be heard by dogs. When using the dog-whistle approach, a narcissist uses coded language. Their words will mean one thing to their audience but something entirely different and hurtful to their target. For example, a narcissistic mom knows that her adult daughter is struggling with weight loss efforts, and when they’re together, the mom can’t stop talking about how great her best friend’s adult daughter looks after losing weight.

16. Sandbagging: Purposely appearing weak or less informed to deceive someone is called sandbagging. Narcissists often manipulate others by faking weaknesses or ignorance. A narcissistic mom may pretend to be ill when she wants her adult child to visit. Instead of simply inviting them over, she pretends to be sick so the adult child feels shamed into making an appearance.

FORGIVENESS AS A FORM OF SELF-CARE

Have you considered forgiving your abuser? Or is that idea outrageous? Maybe your wounds are still fresh, and it feels too soon or impossible. It might be a good idea to consider it at some point, but not for them. For YOU.

Forgiveness is a decision made to release the anger and resentment you feel. True forgiveness is extended regardless of whether it’s asked for or deserved. Forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting their behavior or condoning it. Forgiveness is for you, not them.

Offering forgiveness gives us peace and freedom from destructive anger. It means empowering ourselves by letting go of negative, destructive feelings. By forgiving, you acknowledge your pain without allowing it to define you. In doing so, healing and moving forward become possible. As we move forward, we continue learning to let go of the need to control outcomes and consequences. You see, forgiveness doesn’t mean that they get away with their hurtful, selfish behavior or avoid any repercussions. Instead, we allow the abuser to face the naturally occurring consequences of their actions, including but not limited to:

• Family estrangement
• Lost romantic relationships
• Lost friendships
• Divorce
• Isolation
• Loneliness
• Missed opportunities
• Legal, financial, or career issues
• Damaged reputation

If you’re too hurt or angry to forgive right now, acknowledge and validate your feelings and resentments. They’re there for a reason. Doing this can help you see where your boundaries need to be.

TOOLS FOR RECOVERY

How to Identify a Narcissist

Understand the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle

Identify Traits of a Narcissistic Mother

Learn how to Identify Dangerous People

Signs of  Narcissism Awareness Grief

Identify Dysfunctional Family Roles

Find out what Trauma does to your brain

Learn about Codependency and other maladaptive coping skills

Join the Free Email Survival Course:

Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.

Private Facebook group included for members only.

Join the Waitlist!

When someone’s vibe feels “icky,” or they have “unusual” personality quirks, would you know if they are genuine warning signs or if you could be in danger?

Coming Fall/Winter 2023

Icks, Personality Quirks, or Warning Signs? How to Know the Difference, by Diane Metcalf

Sign up for exclusive access to free chapters, progress, contests, and launch team, and be notified when it’s available!

Discover the Secrets of Identifying Danger

Have you been caught off guard by toxic individuals?
Want to enhance your ability to spot warning signs and protect yourself from emotional mistreatment and abuse? Look no further!

This upcoming book delves deep into the complexities of human behavior, guiding you through the maze of narcissists, psychopaths, manipulators, liars, and self-absorbed individuals.
Learn the crucial skills to differentiate between harmless eccentricities and genuine red flags.

Feel empowered to rescue, protect and heal yourself from their mistreatment or abuse

I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self, Workbook and Journal, by Diane Metcalf

Experience the power of self-affirmation: using positive statements to improve well-being and performance. Learn research-based steps to write the most effective affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things.

Get it Here:

Author’s Site: Free Shipping

Barnes and Noble

Amazon

Browse the Positivity Shop

Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism, by Diane Metcalf

For as long as I can remember, there was something “different” about my mother. She wasn’t like other mothers.

My mom didn’t hug or kiss, smile at, spend time with, or play with me. She never seemed happy to see me. She didn’t ask about my school day and wasn’t interested in knowing my friends. She seemed to have no interest in me or anything that I did. My mom called me hurtful names and obscenities, and at times, she ignored me, not speaking to me for days, weeks, or even months. When she felt sad I was expected to emotionally care-take her. When she didn’t feel like parenting, I was responsible for my siblings. When she lost her temper she hit. When I was disobedient, there were bizarre punishments.

I was not allowed to express feelings, ask questions, or show initiative or curiosity. My feelings were discounted, minimized, or invalidated. She re-wrote my memories, and I was expected to believe her version. I was to obey, stay quiet, and not question.

If any of this sounds familiar, you are not alone. If there is manipulation, power struggles, or cruelty in your relationship, this book can help. If you second-guess your memory, doubt your judgment or sanity, or continually seek your mother’s withheld affection, attention, approval, or love, this book can explain why.

Learn More

or

Get it Here:

Author’s Site: Free Shipping

Barnes and Noble

Amazon

Get the TOOLBOX posts twice monthly in your inbox!

About the Author

Drawing from her personal experiences of growing up in a dysfunctional household, Diane Metcalf has developed effective coping and healing strategies. With the assistance of professional therapists and mindful personal growth, she has honed her skills and now happily shares them with others who are interested in learning and growing.

As an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer, Diane is well-versed in topics such as narcissism, family dysfunction, abuse, and recognizing warning signs. Her extensive knowledge is drawn not only from her personal experiences, but also from her work in human service fields, including domestic violence, partner abuse, and court advocacy. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.

Diane’s transformational books on healing and personal growth, such as the highly acclaimed “Lemon Moms” series, offer emotional support and guidance in understanding narcissistic traits and healing past wounds. Her approach emphasizes self-awareness, intention, self-care, and establishing healthy boundaries as essential components in the healing process.

Learn more about the Lemon Moms series: Lemon Moms

See what’s happening on DianeMetcalf.com

This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

Quick Document Links:

Kindhearted Lies

We may tell kindhearted lies (aka “face-saving” or pro-social lies) to prevent someone’s feelings from getting hurt, to save a relationship, or to keep ourselves from losing status. We tell kindhearted lies because we feel empathy or because we care about the person we’re lying to. Sometimes we want to look like we care more about something than we really do, and so we tell a kindhearted lie.

Have you ever told a kindhearted lie to avoid hurting someone or to seem more interested in someone or something than you actually were? Same.

Narcissistic Lies

The current theory about narcissistic lying is that all narcissistic behaviors, including lying, are unconsciously motivated by shame and driven by previous narcissistic injuries.

Lying is central to a narcissist’s identity, but because all of their experiences are filtered through previous narcissistic injuries, they’ll view their lie as “The Truth.” In his book “The Narcissist You Know,” Dr. Joseph Burgo says about the narcissist, “He doesn’t see himself as a liar but rather as an embattled defender of the ‘truth’ as he has come to see it” (Burgo 2016).

Narcissistic behaviors, including lying, are unconsciously motivated by shame and driven by previous narcissistic injuries.

A narcissist’s lies are a combination of their character traits and life experiences, so there’s usually a small “kernel” of truth in each lie. It’ll be difficult and confusing for you to try to find that kernel, but your intuition will tell you it’s there. In their story, in addition to lying, they’ll also exaggerate any information that makes them look “good,” and they’ll just as easily minimize information that has the potential to make them look “bad.”

Because narcissists must believe that they’re always correct and never make mistakes, they often have difficulty knowing the difference between lies and the truth. It makes absolute sense if you remember that a narcissist’s entire life is a lie because of their false face. They carry grandiose beliefs about their false selves, and they need validation and affirmation to hold onto those beliefs. The false self keeps the narcissist feeling superior, and that’s essential to avoiding narcissistic injuries. They see anything that threatens their superiority as an attack and will respond as such.

Narcissists need to lie to keep the false face intact, and they need and expect us to believe those lies, or there will be hell to pay. Usually in the form of narcissistic rages or silent treatments.

Tools:

Learn to recognize Narcissistic Traits

Find out if you’re experiencing Narcissism Awareness Grief

Understand the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle

Understand Narcissistic Supply

Learn how to deal with what you can’t control

Learn how expectations cause resentment

Practice conscious awareness:  Self-awareness releases us from making impulsive and potentially damaging decisions.

Practice Ferocious Self-care: We take responsibility for getting our needs met instead of waiting for someone to change or to meet our needs for us. We are in control of ourselves. No one is responsible for us but us.

Join the Free Email Survival Course:

Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.

Private Facebook group included for members only.

Join the Waitlist!

When someone’s vibe feels “icky,” or they have “unusual” personality quirks, would you know if they are genuine warning signs or if you could be in danger?

Coming Fall/Winter 2023

Icks, Personality Quirks, or Warning Signs? How to Know the Difference, by Diane Metcalf

Sign up for exclusive access to free chapters, progress, contests, and launch team, and be notified when it’s available!

Discover the Secrets of Identifying Danger

Have you been caught off guard by toxic individuals?
Want to enhance your ability to spot warning signs and protect yourself from emotional mistreatment and abuse? Look no further!

This upcoming book delves deep into the complexities of human behavior, guiding you through the maze of narcissists, psychopaths, manipulators, liars, and self-absorbed individuals.
Learn the crucial skills to differentiate between harmless eccentricities and genuine red flags.

Feel empowered to rescue, protect and heal yourself from their mistreatment or abuse

I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self, Workbook and Journal, by Diane Metcalf

Experience the power of self-affirmation: using positive statements to improve well-being and performance. Learn research-based steps to write the most effective affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things.

Get it Here:

Author’s Site: Free Shipping

Barnes and Noble

Amazon

Browse the Positivity Shop

Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism, by Diane Metcalf

For as long as I can remember, there was something “different” about my mother. She wasn’t like other mothers.

My mom didn’t hug or kiss, smile at, spend time with, or play with me. She never seemed happy to see me. She didn’t ask about my school day and wasn’t interested in knowing my friends. She seemed to have no interest in me or anything that I did. My mom called me hurtful names and obscenities, and at times, she ignored me, not speaking to me for days, weeks, or even months. When she felt sad I was expected to emotionally care-take her. When she didn’t feel like parenting, I was responsible for my siblings. When she lost her temper she hit. When I was disobedient, there were bizarre punishments.

I was not allowed to express feelings, ask questions, or show initiative or curiosity. My feelings were discounted, minimized, or invalidated. She re-wrote my memories, and I was expected to believe her version. I was to obey, stay quiet, and not question.

If any of this sounds familiar, you are not alone. If there is manipulation, power struggles, or cruelty in your relationship, this book can help. If you second-guess your memory, doubt your judgment or sanity, or continually seek your mother’s withheld affection, attention, approval, or love, this book can explain why.

Learn More

or

Get it Here:

Author’s Site: Free Shipping

Barnes and Noble

Amazon

Get the TOOLBOX posts twice monthly in your inbox!

About the Author

Drawing from her personal experiences of growing up in a dysfunctional household, Diane Metcalf has developed effective coping and healing strategies. With the assistance of professional therapists and mindful personal growth, she has honed her skills and now happily shares them with others who are interested in learning and growing.

As an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer, Diane is well-versed in topics such as narcissism, family dysfunction, abuse, and recognizing warning signs. Her extensive knowledge is drawn not only from her personal experiences, but also from her work in human service fields, including domestic violence, partner abuse, and court advocacy. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.

Diane’s transformational books on healing and personal growth, such as the highly acclaimed “Lemon Moms” series, offer emotional support and guidance in understanding narcissistic traits and healing past wounds. Her approach emphasizes self-awareness, intention, self-care, and establishing healthy boundaries as essential components in the healing process.

Learn more about the Lemon Moms series: Lemon Moms

See what’s happening on DianeMetcalf.com

This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

Quick document links

Daughters and sons of narcissistic mothers are out there, and they feel alone and misunderstood.

An emotionally healthy mother’s love is a powerful, lifelong theme for most children; her kindness, compassion, validation, and the loving bond that they share. For those of us who don’t have that kind of mom, memories, or relationship, we are keenly aware of those who do. And we wonder why we don’t. Because surely if our mothers can’t love us, it must be our fault. We must be unlovable, right?

American culture views motherhood as a saintly paradigm, promoting that mother love is instinctive, unconditional, and spontaneous; and that all women can love, empathize, and nurture. These myths and inaccuracies are detrimental; they harm unloved children’s spirits, holding them in a state of self-doubt and cognitive dissonance.

When a mother and adult child relationship fails, it’s the adult child who’s usually held responsible. These kinds of cultural perspectives can keep an unloved daughter or son stuck in the place they’ve been since childhood—knowing that something is wrong and blaming themselves. They wonder who will be able to love them if their own mothers can’t.

But mothering is a learned behavior in human beings. A spectrum of maternal behaviors exists, from healthy to toxic. Acknowledging this may be helpful when we think about Mother’s Day.

I used to spend a huge amount of emotional energy just selecting a Mother’s Day card. Today, there is more awareness and sensitivity regarding family dysfunction and the understanding that not all mothers are loving and kind. These days, it’s easier to find a more realistic card sentiment. But years ago, it was extremely difficult to find a card that didn’t boldly announce “Happy Mother’s Day to the Greatest Mother in the World!” or “I’m So Blessed That You’re My Mother” All of them gushed with sentiments that I didn’t feel, and all of them felt like lies. While I dealt with that, others dealt with decisions like: “Should I even send a card?” “Should I call?” “Should I see her?” “Should I ignore the day?” “What should I do?”

The thing is, if we’re still attempting to please and appease our narcissistic moms, we’re in a no-win situation. Whatever we do will not be good enough because it never has. Like others in this situation, every year I went through emotional pain and turmoil: on Mother’s Day, I was forced to face the stark and demoralizing humiliation of our one-sided relationship for the entire day. I was actually a mother myself, yet I was focused on making this day all about MY mother. I wasn’t able to enjoy what the day meant for me as a mother. I missed out on feeling connected with my kids and letting them focus on me, celebrating me. Instead, I expected them to focus on her too. The entire day was about my mother and making her happy. But of course, she never was. She spent the day criticizing the weather, the restaurant, the food, her gifts, and other people. For decades this continued and I didn’t see it because I was supremely codependent, unaware, and unhealed. Eventually, I awakened and realized that something needed to change. I finally accepted that she wasn’t going to change. I needed to change.

Experts say that with a narcissistic mother, you have two choices: live on her terms (focusing on her, chasing after her withheld love, acceptance, and affection) or go “no contact.” This feels like black and white (all or none) thinking to me, and I’ve never been a big fan. I prefer to see all the shades of gray. So I created a third option for myself: I identified my cognitive dissonance and C-PTSD symptoms and prioritized healing them with various forms of therapy. I refused to be gaslighted, I set enforceable boundaries and started trusting my mind and my memories. I no longer focused on what she did, said, wanted, or expected, and as a result, I no longer felt humiliated, unloved, invalidated, and rejected. Our relationship was finally on my terms.

Confusion and Cognitive Dissonance

As children, if our need for love and connection to our mothers was not met, we simply blamed ourselves. And then we began forming beliefs that we are not good enough and that we don’t matter.

If you are an empathetic person, you are naturally sensitive to others’ emotional needs. Trying to understand that narcissists don’t have the ability to feel empathy is difficult to understand or believe. As children of narcissists, we keep returning to that parent, again and again, hoping and wishing that it will be different this time. We focus on gaining approval, validation, acceptance, and love. We jump through any hoop offered. When nothing changes, it triggers more pain and confusion and a continuation of the “I’m not-good-enough’s” and “I-don’t-matter’s.”

Then we grew up, and we may have started to realize that the problem is not us! There is nothing—and there never was—anything inherently wrong with us, as we may have been led to believe.

You do not need a formal diagnosis to determine that your relationship is unhealthy. If it is, you can do something about it.

There’s a Name For It

“Narcissism Awareness Grief” (NAG) is a condition coined by Dr. Christine Hammond, a Licensed Mental Health Counselor. She teaches that the loss of a mother’s love, warmth, interest, and connection is a momentous loss that must be consciously grieved.

Narcissism Awareness Grief acknowledges that our mothers’ narcissistic traits have negatively impacted us. When we begin to come to terms with how they have impacted us, we can break through the denial and start working through six stages of grief, to finally arrive at the final phase of Acceptance. When you fully understand and accept that you cannot change or control your mother’s perception of you, the ball is truly in your court. It’s from the point of Acceptance that your life can and will change. Remember, acceptance does not mean liking or agreeing. You can accept that your mother has narcissistic traits, but you don’t have to like it. Accepting and liking are two separate things.

I remember very well what it was like to experience Narcissism Awareness Grief. As I slowly became aware of how my mother’s narcissistic traits affected me, I felt a mixture of denial, disbelief, and a sense of overwhelming sadness. You see, when we discover that the dysfunction and trauma we experienced as children has an actual name, there’s an initial rush of validation. We suddenly realize that we’re not alone, that we’re not crazy, and that we haven’t imagined it. Narcissistic mistreatment, trauma, and abuse are real things, and we can recover from them.

Self-care

What can we adult children of maternal narcissists do to feel better on Mother’s Day?

Like most days, you can make the day into whatever you want. Here are a few suggestions that can help:

1. Question the card. Search for a generic Mother’s Day card if you want to send a card at all. Giving a card that says “Best Mom in the World” is an act of denial. The first step to healing is admitting how you feel about your relationship. NO MORE DENIAL. It takes courage not to buy that lying card. If you want to give a card, find one, or make one that better acknowledges how you feel.
2. Eliminate expectations. You can’t be disappointed if you don’t expect anything to be different this year. Learn to drop expectations.
3. Make new traditions. Do the day differently. Celebrate yourself! Do something you enjoy, whether solo or with a friend. Focus on self-care.
4. Feel and express your feelings. Give yourself permission to feel and express whatever you’re feeling. Give yourself space to cry, be angry, feel unloved, or grieve. Acknowledge that you have reason to feel these feelings, and validate your childhood memories. Write it all in a journal to get it out of your system in a healthy way.
5. Shift the focus. Practice gratitude, speak healing affirmations, or do something nice for someone else.
6. Make an appointment. If Mother’s Day annually triggers anxiety or depression, give yourself the gift of scheduled time with a professional to start the healing process.
7. Seek support. Find support groups in your area or online. Talking with others who understand narcissism dynamics can help in your healing journey. And as always, don’t try to explain it to those who don’t. Others who don’t understand narcissism may unknowingly invalidate you, causing further pain or trauma.
8. Express gratitude to the mothers you know who are loving and kind. Honor other women who have given you motherly love, perhaps a grandmother, aunt, or friend.
9. If you are a mother, work to end the legacy of one-sided love. Acknowledge and be grateful for your ability to love.
10. Start working on a recovery program, so you don’t pass the legacy down to your children. If you are already working on healing, good for you! Do the work!

On Mother’s Day, let’s all honor the mothers who have given their children the gifts of love and nurturing. Let’s applaud the mothers who are working on a program to change the family legacy of narcissistic mistreatment or abuse. And at the same time, let’s acknowledge the truths of the daughters and sons of mothers who cannot show love to their children.

You’re all in my thoughts,

Diane

Could you be feeling the effects of Narcissism Awareness Grief? Download the free chapter to find out:

from Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism

Tools for Healing

Start using positive detachment

Learn about Narcissism Awareness Grief

Learn to set boundaries

Learn about dysfunctional family roles

Understand trauma bonds

Learn about codependency and maladaptive coping skills

Understand the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle

Learn to drop expectations

Join the Free Email Survival Course:

Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.

Private Facebook group included for members only.

Join the Waitlist!

When someone’s vibe feels “icky,” or they have “unusual” personality quirks, would you know if they are genuine warning signs or if you could be in danger?

Coming Fall/Winter 2023

Icks, Personality Quirks, or Warning Signs? How to Know the Difference, by Diane Metcalf

Sign up for exclusive access to free chapters, progress, contests, and launch team, and be notified when it’s available!

Discover the Secrets of Identifying Danger

Have you been caught off guard by toxic individuals?
Want to enhance your ability to spot warning signs and protect yourself from emotional mistreatment and abuse? Look no further!

This upcoming book delves deep into the complexities of human behavior, guiding you through the maze of narcissists, psychopaths, manipulators, liars, and self-absorbed individuals.
Learn the crucial skills to differentiate between harmless eccentricities and genuine red flags.

Feel empowered to rescue, protect and heal yourself from their mistreatment or abuse

I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self, Workbook and Journal, by Diane Metcalf

Experience the power of self-affirmation: using positive statements to improve well-being and performance. Learn research-based steps to write the most effective affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things.

Get it Here:

Author’s Site: Free Shipping

Barnes and Noble

Amazon

Browse the Positivity Shop

Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism, by Diane Metcalf

For as long as I can remember, there was something “different” about my mother. She wasn’t like other mothers.

My mom didn’t hug or kiss, smile at, spend time with, or play with me. She never seemed happy to see me. She didn’t ask about my school day and wasn’t interested in knowing my friends. She seemed to have no interest in me or anything that I did. My mom called me hurtful names and obscenities, and at times, she ignored me, not speaking to me for days, weeks, or even months. When she felt sad I was expected to emotionally care-take her. When she didn’t feel like parenting, I was responsible for my siblings. When she lost her temper she hit. When I was disobedient, there were bizarre punishments.

I was not allowed to express feelings, ask questions, or show initiative or curiosity. My feelings were discounted, minimized, or invalidated. She re-wrote my memories, and I was expected to believe her version. I was to obey, stay quiet, and not question.

If any of this sounds familiar, you are not alone. If there is manipulation, power struggles, or cruelty in your relationship, this book can help. If you second-guess your memory, doubt your judgment or sanity, or continually seek your mother’s withheld affection, attention, approval, or love, this book can explain why.

Learn More

or

Get it Here:

Author’s Site: Free Shipping

Barnes and Noble

Amazon

Get the TOOLBOX posts twice monthly in your inbox!

About the Author

Drawing from her personal experiences of growing up in a dysfunctional household, Diane Metcalf has developed effective coping and healing strategies. With the assistance of professional therapists and mindful personal growth, she has honed her skills and now happily shares them with others who are interested in learning and growing.

As an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer, Diane is well-versed in topics such as narcissism, family dysfunction, abuse, and recognizing warning signs. Her extensive knowledge is drawn not only from her personal experiences, but also from her work in human service fields, including domestic violence, partner abuse, and court advocacy. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.

Diane’s transformational books on healing and personal growth, such as the highly acclaimed “Lemon Moms” series, offer emotional support and guidance in understanding narcissistic traits and healing past wounds. Her approach emphasizes self-awareness, intention, self-care, and establishing healthy boundaries as essential components in the healing process.

Learn more about the Lemon Moms series: Lemon Moms

See what’s happening on DianeMetcalf.com

This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.