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Finding Happiness in Imperfection

Our expectations stem from our desires for certain people’s behavior, including our own. Some of our expectations may be realistic, while others may not.

It’s common to tie our worth or perceived value as a person to the expectations we hold. For example, if I expect my friends to acknowledge my birthday and they don’t, I could end up feeling unloved, forgotten, or uncared for. So, it’s equally important to share our expectations with others rather than requiring them to read our minds. If it’s important to me to be remembered on my special day, then it’s my responsibility to ensure that others know about that expectation, or I may be sorely disappointed.

Expectations can be too high or too low. Holding on to these kinds of unrealistic expectations for ourselves and others is potentially damaging because it sets everyone up for failure. Unrealistic expectations are rigid; they don’t leave room for unexpected change or and they don’t allow flexibility. They are often fear-based. Maybe you’re afraid of losing something or someone or of someone taking something from you.

High expectations may be difficult or even impossible to achieve, leading to disappointment and feelings of failure and the “not good enough’s.”

Low expectations for ourselves and others can lead to the same kinds of feelings that high expectations do when they’re not met. Ironically, if we’re people-pleasers, we may purposefully or subconsciously set low expectations to avoid feeling disappointed. Either way, expecting too much or too little can lead to feeling resentful, angry, or hurt when that expectation isn’t met.

It can feel like an expectation is fair, reasonable, and realistic, but experience has shown that it can’t be met. Time to change that expectation! Flexible and adaptable expectations work best. Releasing unrealistic or unhealthy expectations brings peace.

If we use words like “never” and “always” when we think about our expectations, it indicates that they are unreasonable. Those expectations are unrealistic because they are rigid and lack space for change or flexibility. They use “black and white” (“all or none”) thinking.

If you’re unsure if an expectation is appropriate, seeking a trustworthy person’s perspective and feedback can be helpful.

Becoming aware of our expectations and detaching from the outcomes reduces the chance of feeling resentful in the future. When we practice detaching from outcomes, our fears and resentments can begin to diminish.

The Power of Managing Expectations

You know that how we interact with others is a choice. And how we interact with others, and the expectations we place on them, can make or break a relationship. For example, suppose we expect something from others without communicating about it or empathizing with their current situation. In that case, we may end up dealing with misunderstandings and feeling disappointed, resentful, angry, or hurt.

Mind reading was a regular expectation in my family of origin, and it caused a lot of misunderstandings, hurt feelings, anger, and resentment. It’s easy to believe that people in our lives will “just know” what we want or need at any given time. If they know us or LOVE us, they should just KNOW what we want or need without having to be TOLD, right? Not only do we expect them to know what we need and want automatically, but we assume that they’ll do those things too. When they don’t know the expectations and don’t follow through, we feel resentful. How ridiculous is that? And how unfair is that to them?

If we grew up in a dysfunctional or unhealthy environment, we might assume “bad things” will always be part of our lives. We may now be adults who expect the worst of others, or we may live fearfully.

Changing your attitudes about what you expect will change your life. Over time, you’ll become less likely to feel disappointed, angry, or resentful. 

Breaking Free from Unrealistic Relationship Expectations

Releasing the fantasy of “perfect” relationships is crucial here. Social media contributes highly to this fallacy of perfection; posts showing others’ fabulous lives and “perfect” relationships can keep us focused on what we’re “missing out” on, contributing to unhappiness and resentment. Remember, there is no such thing as perfection. Perfection doesn’t exist. If you find yourself striving for perfection, do yourself a favor and stop struggling to achieve a non-existent standard. Continuing to hold onto unrealistic, unachievable expectations will only keep you stuck and unhappy with yourself or your relationships. It’s a no-win condition.

Setting boundaries and saying what you mean while meaning what you say will also go a long way in eliminating the potential for resentment to set in. A tool I have found useful when someone asks or requires something of me is asking myself whether I can do the thing without resentment. If my answer is no, then I don’t do it. I don’t offer explanations; remember, “no” is a complete sentence. I simply state that I’m sorry, but no, it’s not something I can do at this time. Maybe another time.

As you evaluate the expectations you have for yourself or someone else, try not to judge or label your feelings about them as good or bad. Feelings are neither good nor bad; they simply provide information. It will be useful information that you can repurpose in other areas of your personal development journey.

We’re always growing, so setting flexible expectations means that they can grow with us. Setting healthy expectations is possible with awareness, acceptance, self-compassion, and boundaries in place to maintain safety. Letting go of outdated, unrealistic expectations for ourselves and others can be a positive step in healing relational trauma.

The Power of Letting Go: Releasing Your Expectations for a Happier Life

• Examine an expectation you have for a specific person. Is your expectation realistic? How do you know? How can you change it if it’s not?
• How important is this expectation? Is it worth sleepless nights? Is it worth feeling angry, hurt feelings, or resentful? Is it worth losing or damaging the relationship?
• Let go; detach from the outcome. Let others be who they are. Notice how this feels. Is it pleasant? Do you feel the need to control? Why or why not?
• Let go of expectations around what people say (or don’t say) or what they do (or don’t).
• Let go of outcomes. How does it feel? Scary? Anxiety-provoking? What can you do about that?
• Make “letting go” of expectations a process. It’s not an event.
• Focus on progress, not perfection.
• Trust the process.

Tools for Healing

Learn about dysfunctional family roles

Learn about people-pleasing 

Learn coping skills for the holidays and family visits

Learn what verbal abuse does

Learn how to protect yourself with boundaries 

Learn about the narcissistic abuse cycle

More Resources You May Like:

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Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.

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I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self, Workbook and Journal, by Diane Metcalf

Experience the power of self-affirmation: using positive statements to improve well-being and performance. Learn research-based steps to write the most effective affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things.

Get it Here:

Author’s Site: Free Shipping

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Amazon

Browse the Positivity Shop

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About the Author

Drawing from her personal experiences of growing up in a dysfunctional household, Diane Metcalf has developed effective coping and healing strategies. With the assistance of professional therapists and mindful personal growth, she has honed her skills and now happily shares them with others who are interested in learning and growing.

As an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer, Diane is well-versed in topics such as narcissism, family dysfunction, abuse, and recognizing warning signs. Her extensive knowledge is drawn not only from her personal experiences, but also from her work in human service fields, including domestic violence, partner abuse, and court advocacy. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.

Diane’s transformational books on healing and personal growth, such as the highly acclaimed “Lemon Moms” series, offer emotional support and guidance in understanding narcissistic traits and healing past wounds. Her approach emphasizes self-awareness, intention, self-care, and establishing healthy boundaries as essential components in the healing process.

Learn more about the Lemon Moms series: Lemon Moms

See what’s happening on DianeMetcalf.com

This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

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My mom parented by blaming, shaming, intimidating, threatening, and physically punishing me. In my earliest years, I learned that I was somehow to blame for everything that displeased her.  Second-guessing and doubting myself became my way of life. I felt like a burden, believing that I made her life harder simply because I existed. I stayed out of her way as much as possible. I felt lonely and alone.

Mother shared thoughts and feelings with me in frightening, highly emotionally charged, biased, and inappropriate ways. Gaslighting and the resulting cognitive dissonance distorted my perceptions and beliefs, but the cruelest thing of all was the name-calling. The gaslighting made me doubt my senses and distrust my mind, but the name-calling shredded my still-developing self-confidence and self-esteem,

THE POWER OF WORDS

Words matter. Written words and spoken words all matter. It matters what people say to you, and it matters what you say to yourself. For example, suppose you live with a narcissist or toxic person (or have one in your life). In that case, you already know that it negatively affects how you think about yourself, what you tell yourself, and how you treat yourself.

Her words and my already negative self-talk combined to confirm my beliefs; that I was unlovable, would never be good enough and didn’t matter.

This combination of negative self-talk and limiting beliefs kept me in a state of learned helplessness. Eventually, as an adult, I woke up to the fact that I was stuck. I’d been repeating the same hurtful relationship patterns throughout my adult life and wondering why I was unhappy. Finally, I realized that something had to change. So, among other things, I started examining, questioning and then changing my unsupportive inner dialogue into supportive, positive self-talk. My limiting beliefs began to fade away. As I started thinking differently about myself, my self-concept changed. My opinions about myself changed. I changed.

HOW’S YOUR SELF-TALK?

Have you ever really observed how you talk to yourself? Some of us are not very nice to ourselves, and others are just plain abusive. What kinds of things do you say to yourself? Is your self-talk positive and loving? Or maybe you beat yourself up and tell yourself hurtful things?

Have you ever tried talking to yourself as you would speak with a friend? How would that feel? Try being understanding, considerate, and kind to yourself. You would do that for your friend, right? You would encourage her, or him or them, wouldn’t you? You can start doing the same for yourself right now. Acknowledging your feelings about yourself when you make a mistake or struggle and choosing to comfort and care for yourself is called “self-compassion.” Self-compassion promotes positive, healthy self-care practices and a healthy mindset, which help to heal codependency.

It’s not surprising to know that what we tell ourselves is linked to how we feel about ourselves. Changing your self-talk from an unsupportive inner dialogue to an uplifting and proactive one brings about positive change. But if you beat yourself up for perceived failures or shortcomings, how does that help you? Does it motivate you to change? Does it keep you feeling bad and keep you stuck? How is it different from how your narcissistic mother treated you?

Do you tell yourself, “I’m just _______,” or “I’ve just always been this way,” or “that’s just how I’ve always been”? I have a couple of things to say about these types of comments: first, stop using the word “just.” When you add “just,” it implies that what you’re saying has low significance. It sounds apologetic and meek. Don’t believe me? Take the word “just” out of your self-talk. Say it with and without the word “just.” Do you see how it feels different? Are you more confident? Empowered? Serious? You tell me.

And what we say to ourselves isn’t only a description of what we believe about ourselves; it is a command. Your self-talk TELLS your mind what to think about you! When you tell yourself, “this is just who I am,” “I’ve always been _______,” or “I’ve always done ______,” it implies that there’s no room for change. These statements tell your brain, “this is it. This is final. There is no more.” Why would you want to do that? Chances are, you don’t know you’re doing it, and this is where self-awareness comes in. Start becoming aware of how you speak to yourself and the words that you use. Notice and take note for future reference.

Now, give yourself a break. You’re a human being, and no human being has ever been or will ever be perfect. Perfection doesn’t exist. Instead of comparing yourself to a non-existent standard, try focusing on your progress.

Results happen over time. Making positive life change is about progress, not perfection. Encourage yourself the way you’d encourage your friend or a small child. Tell yourself, “You’ve got this!” and eventually, you will get it! Be patient with yourself. It takes time to learn new things. Treating yourself with kindness, patience, and compassion does a lot towards reparenting yourself and healing your inner child too.

ACTION TIME

Thinking about and remembering what happened in our childhoods doesn’t promote healing. That’s where many of us get stuck. Recovery requires more than reading, educating ourselves, and revisiting old memories. It requires action: getting in touch with our feelings, prioritizing self-care, dumping limiting beliefs, learning to set boundaries and enforce them, learning new ways of communicating, increasing self-esteem and self-confidence, doing inner child and reparenting work, and emotionally detaching.

It means doing the work, and I believe it begins with changing our unconscious negative self-talk.

Until I began my healing journey in earnest, I continued to attract toxic people and exercise my codependency. I fixed and helped others without their invitation to do so. I felt resentful when they ignored my advice or were unappreciative of my help. It makes no sense, right? It didn’t feel great, either.

Reading, researching, and working through assorted therapies eventually led me into Narcissism Awareness Grief.  Once there, I finally came to terms with my childhood experiences and learned how, unhealed, they affected my adult relationships. I worked through the stages and continued learning coping skills like setting boundaries, emotionally detaching, improving self-care, and practicing strategic communication. As I found my voice and spoke my truth, my confidence and self-esteem grew. I began feeling whole and worthy for the first time in my life.

Narcissism specialists say that we have two choices when dealing with narcissists and those on the narcissism spectrum: live on their terms or go “no contact.” I suggest we have a third option: walk through the chaos and confusion armed with new coping skills, protected by boundaries, speaking our truth, and enjoying life as our true selves.

I talk about codependency a  lot in Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism. Codependency is at the very core of the changes we must make to heal from any kind of mistreatment or abuse.

Codependency is described as a set of maladaptive coping and survival skills. They are typically learned in childhood from feeling unsafe in the home environment or when with certain people. Living with real or perceived threats made it necessary for those who grew up like this to monitor our settings and control people and outcomes as best we could. It eventually felt natural to do this, and it became a way of life. Codependency can also be learned by imitating other codependents. It can be passed down through generations. This is known as “generational trauma.”

If we’re codependent, we grew up to be “people-pleasers.” We willingly play by the rules of others, losing our identity in the process. We rely on others for a sense of identity, approval, or affirmation. We support and “enable” others in their addictions, mental illness, immaturity, irresponsibility, or underachievement.

When we’re bogged down in codependency, it’s impossible to know our true, authentic selves. By using affirmations, we can become aware of our codependent thoughts and behavior and replace them with healthy, functional ones. We can finally connect with our authentic selves.

HOW AFFIRMATIONS WORK

Connecting with our authentic selves requires doing the necessary work to uncover our true selves for the first time. We can do this with affirmations.

Affirmations remind us of who we are when we are our authentic selves. By following our intuition, writing, and speaking positive affirmations, we can begin honoring and eventually becoming our true selves. Affirmations help us to find ourselves and create the best lives possible.

A POSITIVE MINDSET

Affirmations are designed to promote an optimistic mindset; they have been shown to reduce the tendency to dwell on negative experiences (Wiesenfeld et al., 2001.) Optimism is a powerful perception! When we replace negative thoughts with positive ones, we are creating a whole new narrative around “who we are” and what we can accomplish.

AFFIRMATION THEORY

There are three fundamental ideas involved in self-affirmation theory. Correctly written affirmations work according to this theory:

1. By using positive affirmations, we can change our self-identity. Affirmations reinforce a newly created self-narrative; we become flexible and capable of adapting to different conditions (Cohen & Sherman, 2014.) Now, instead of viewing ourselves in a fixed or rigid way (for example, as “lazy”), we are flexible in our thoughts. We can adopt a broader range of “identities” and roles and define things like “success” differently. We can view various aspects of ourselves as positive and adapt to different situations more easily (Aronson, 1969.)
2. Self-identity is not about being exceptional, perfect, or excellent (Cohen & Sherman, 2014). Instead, we need to be competent and adequate in areas that we value  (Steele, 1988.)
3. We maintain self-integrity by behaving in ways that genuinely deserve acknowledgment and praise. We say an affirmation because we want to integrate that particular personal value into our own identity.

THE RESEARCH

Claude Steele, a social psychologist and emeritus professor at Stanford University, promoted self-affirmation theory in the late 1980s (Steele, C. M. 1988, Cohen, G. L., & Sherman, D. K. 2007).

Affirmation research focuses on how individuals adapt to information or experiences that threaten their self-image. Today, self-affirmation theory remains well-studied throughout social psychological research (Sherman, D. K., & Cohen, G. L., McQueen, A., & Klein, W. M. (2006.)

Self-affirmation theory has led to research in neuroscience and investigating whether we can “see” how the brain changes using imaging technology while using positive affirmations. MRI evidence suggests that specific neural pathways increase when we speak affirmations (Cascio et al., 2016). The “ventromedial prefrontal cortex,” involved in positive self-evaluation and self-related information processing, becomes more active when we speak positively about our values (Falk et al., 2015; Cascio et al., 2016).

Dr. Emily Falk and her colleagues focused on how people process information about themselves.  They discovered that by using positive affirmations, “otherwise-threatening information” is seen as more self-relevant and valuable (2015: 1979).  Cohen and Sherman found that using self-affirmations can help with threats or stress and that they can be beneficial for improving academic performance, health, and well-being (Cohen, G. L., & Sherman, D. K. 2014).

And Dr. Peter Harris’ research found that when using affirmations, smokers responded less dismissively to cigarette packet warnings and conveyed the intention to change their behavior (Harris et al., 2007).

The evidence suggests that affirmations are beneficial in multiple ways!

Positive affirmations:

1. have been shown to decrease health-related stress (Sherman et al., 2009; Critcher & Dunning, 2015.)
2. have been used effectively in “Positive Psychology Interventions,” or PPI, scientific tools and strategies used for increasing happiness, well-being, positive thinking, and emotions (Keyes, Fredrickson, & Park, 2012.)
3. may help change the perception of otherwise “threatening” messages (Logel & Cohen, 2012.)
4. can help us set our intention to change for the better (Harris et al., 2007) (Epton & Harris, 2008.)
5. have been positively linked to academic achievement by lessening GPA decline in students who felt isolated in college (Layous et al., 2017.)
6. have been demonstrated to lower stress (Koole et al., 1999; Weisenfeld et al., 2001.)
7. provide health benefits by helping us respond in a less defensive or resistant manner when we perceive threats.

In a nutshell, using affirmations allows us to create an adaptive, broader self-concept, making us more resilient to life’s struggles. Whether it’s social pressure, health, or healing trauma, a broader self-concept is a valuable tool. 

If you’re interested in getting started with affirmations, check out
Life-Altering Affirmations, Change Your Self-talk Change Yourself
in the Lemon Moms Series, and the Workbook/Journal
“I Am: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self.” in the new series: “Be You and Own It”

TOOLS FOR HEALING

Learn more about Dysfunctional Family Roles: Golden, Invisible, and Scapegoat

Get rid of expectations

Set some boundaries 

Learn about codependency and maladaptive survival skills learned in childhood

Take the Adverse Childhood Experiences quiz

Understand Narcissism Awareness Grief

Let go of what you can’t control by using positive-detachment

Practice mindfulness

More Resources You May Like:

Join the Free Email Survival Course:

Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.

Private Facebook group included for members only.

Get the TOOLBOX APP

for instant information, support, and validation!

I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self, Workbook and Journal, by Diane Metcalf

Experience the power of self-affirmation: using positive statements to improve well-being and performance. Learn research-based steps to write the most effective affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things.

Get it Here:

Author’s Site: Free Shipping

Barnes and Noble

Amazon

Browse the Positivity Shop

Get the TOOLBOX posts twice monthly in your inbox!

About the Author

Drawing from her personal experiences of growing up in a dysfunctional household, Diane Metcalf has developed effective coping and healing strategies. With the assistance of professional therapists and mindful personal growth, she has honed her skills and now happily shares them with others who are interested in learning and growing.

As an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer, Diane is well-versed in topics such as narcissism, family dysfunction, abuse, and recognizing warning signs. Her extensive knowledge is drawn not only from her personal experiences, but also from her work in human service fields, including domestic violence, partner abuse, and court advocacy. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.

Diane’s transformational books on healing and personal growth, such as the highly acclaimed “Lemon Moms” series, offer emotional support and guidance in understanding narcissistic traits and healing past wounds. Her approach emphasizes self-awareness, intention, self-care, and establishing healthy boundaries as essential components in the healing process.

Learn more about the Lemon Moms series: Lemon Moms

See what’s happening on DianeMetcalf.com

This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

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If your mother has narcissistic traits or is a narcissist, then it’s improbable that you’ll be able to have that heart-to-heart connection with her that you’ve always longed for. You know: where you can just visit peacefully, enjoy each other’s company, and relate. In your fantasy, you feel lighthearted, and being with her feels easy. You laugh, and you feel safe and comfortable. In your imaginary time together, your mother doesn’t judge you, criticize, or make barbed comments, and you don’t have to justify and defend your every thought, feeling, or choice. In your fantasy, your mother accepts and supports you; she hears you, she sees you, and you feel as though you matter a great deal to her. You feel secure in knowing she’s got your back.

Yes, those of us with narcissistic mothers have those kinds of fantasies. And in recovery, we learn to accept that she’s simply not capable of this kind of emotional connection, and we begin to let that idea go so that we can get unstuck and move forward. In healing, we come to realize that there are and always will be others who want an emotional connection with us, and we nurture those relationships. Some of us may even be fortunate enough to find a mother figure who meets our needs.

No, you won’t have that heart-to-heart connection with her, but you can learn to interact with her without getting hurt or frustrated. You can learn how to protect yourself and minimize the severity of the usual painful exchanges. Of course, you have the choice to go “no contact.” For me, “no contact” felt extreme, binary, and “all or none.” I wanted to try something different that would allow interaction while keeping me safe, remaining in my power. So I developed a method that, over time, worked to protect me during our interactions.

Pointless Arguments

Narcissists live by their emotions, and their emotional state dictates how they respond. By the way, there is no scientific consensus on a definition of emotion. In my books, I define emotion as a feeling which has a chosen meaning attached to it. So, a feeling + a chosen meaning = an emotion.

As we know, emotions are not data, and they’re not factual. Emotions are chemically driven and are affected by a myriad of variables like environmental stimuli, physical health, age, worldview, self-talk, sleep quality and quantity, stress level, personal experience, food choices, beliefs, memories, thoughts, and much more. Narcissists may understand this, but they can’t relate to it.

For example, can the weather cause you to feel an emotion? Well, maybe. If you’re inside today, cozy and comfortable, and it begins to storm, do you feel any emotion about it? Some will say yes, and some will say no. But if you’re getting married today and it begins to downpour, will you have feelings about it? You’ll likely have strong feelings; disappointment, anger, sadness, or others. If you’re a farmer during a drought, you’d be elated about the drencher. In each example, the meaning each person gives to “rain” is very different, and the resulting emotion will align with that meaning. As they say, “perspective is everything.”

Narcissists have a self-centered perspective, and as their emotions change, their reality changes along with it. They view the present moment however their emotional filters are presenting it, and they’re usually going to be a victim. Discussions with a narcissistic mother are frustrating. If your mother is a narcissist, conversations seem futile and pointless. You’re not heard, much less understood. Your thoughts, feelings, and opinions are invalidated or mocked. You might even be called names or shouted at.

“You won’t have a heart-to-heart connection with your mother, but you can learn how to interact with her in a way that feels empowering.”

When emotionally healthy adults disagree with each other, they still speak politely to each other. They use logic, intelligence, good judgment, and skill sets like negotiation and compromise. In conversations with emotionally immature people like narcissists, this isn’t possible. A narcissistic mother talks at you and doesn’t hear what you say. She’s preoccupied, thinking of her next response and reviewing the list of ways that you’ve “wronged her.” Because she’s driven by emotion and the need to feel admired, correct, and superior, she challenges every point you make.

Emotionally Exhausting Discussions

Narcissistic moms enjoy having pointless arguments. They love it when we keep explaining, keep trying, and keep showing her that we’re emotionally invested in our relationship with her. They love that we care about what she thinks of us. These are forms of narcissistic supply for her. Have you ever had a long argument about nothing? That’s a form of supply; she was rejuvenated while you were being drained.

To minimize the possibility of a time-wasting, emotionally exhausting discussion, particular actions need to be taken before, during, and after talking with your narcissistic mother.

End Frustrating Conversations

From now on, conversations with your mom need to be planned. You’ll need to strategize. This sounds ridiculous when you consider you’re going through all of this trouble just to have a conversation with your mother. It shouldn’t be this difficult, right? You might even feel anger or resentment because of all the extra time and planning it will take to have a civil conversation with her. I get it, and it’s OK to feel that way. I did too.

What you’re doing here is taking back your power. Based on past experience, you’re thinking about the different scenarios, twists, and turns the conversation could take, and you’re preparing to handle them with grace and dignity.

You’re attempting to maximize the possibility of a drama-free discussion, which is a respectable goal. This is not about your mother; it’s about you. You’re going to take back your power and run this show. Focus on what you want that to look like and use the tools available. These tools include limiting your expectations, setting personal boundaries, and knowing and controlling your emotional triggers.

You need to be comfortable setting your expectations and boundaries for this conversation. Don’t try this until you’ve done the work regarding expectations and boundaries.

You need to be aware of your emotional triggers and have a plan for what you’ll do if you get triggered. The last thing you want to do is lose control of your emotions. Remember—your emotional outburst is her narcissistic supply. If you lose control of yourself, that will be a reward for her. Do not reward her. The whole idea here is to deny her any narcissistic supply so that you can have a drama-free conversation.

At first, you might feel anxious about setting the “rules of engagement” for your talk. With practice, it becomes more comfortable each time, and you’ll want to continue doing it because it works.

Here’s a general outline for preparing for a conversation with your narcissistic mother. I developed this strategy and tweaked it over the years, and I’ve had great success with it:

• Set the date. Choose a day and time when you’re likely to feel confident and centered. The more you practice mindfulness, becoming aware of your moods, triggers, cycles, etc., the more self-aware you’ll become.
• Set start and end times for the conversation. Be prepared to stick to the time frame.
• Limit the length of contact and keep it brief. Estimate how much time this conversation would typically take with someone other than your mom and aim for that amount.
• Set ground rules (boundaries) around how you’d like the conversation to flow.
• Notify your mother (or not). If her schedule fluctuates or you’re meeting at a designated spot, you’ll need her cooperation to schedule a get-together. If you interact with her regularly, you won’t need to set a formal date unless you feel strongly that you should. (Personally, I wouldn’t give any indication that something different or unexpected is about to happen.)
• Be ready to end the conversation early. It’s OK if that happens.

Before you meet:

• Strategize: know what you want to talk about and the points you want to make. Have your facts ready.
• Examine and understand your expectations for this discussion and revise them where necessary. I’ve heard expectations defined as “premeditated resentments.” Try not to have expectations. If you don’t expect a particular outcome, you can’t be disappointed.
• Set personal boundaries regarding the behaviors you will and will not accept from your mother. Have a plan for how you’ll respond if she exhibits unacceptable behaviors.
• Know what activates your emotional triggers. Have a planned response for when your mother starts pushing those buttons so you’re not caught off guard and succumb to the attack.
• Practice the conversation alone or with a trusted family member or friend, but practice!

The day of:

• Understand your topic of conversation and why you chose it. Review your expectations and your boundaries again.
• Review your triggers and what you’ll do if you get triggered.
• Take a deep breath, meditate, or do whatever makes you feel grounded.
• Visualize the conversation going the way you want it to. Envision your personal power as an interior ball of energy. Imagine a control panel to vary the level of power and crank it up until it’s radiating brightly, enveloping you. Keep this image with you throughout your meeting.
• Go over the ground rules (boundaries) with her. Do this calmly, respectfully, and firmly whether it’s the first time or the hundredth. Your mother needs to be aware of the requirements necessary for the conversation to continue. She needs to know that if she doesn’t adhere to them, the discussion will end immediately when the boundary is broken. She doesn’t need to agree with this. This is your boundary, and it’s for you, not her. For example, to state your boundary and the consequence for breaking it, you can say something like: “I know in the past when we’ve disagreed, it ended badly. I don’t want that to happen again. It’s important to me that we listen to and hear each other and respect each other’s feelings, so if we can’t maintain a calm and respectful tone, I will leave.” This is not a threat; it is a boundary that you have set to keep yourself safe. A boundary is a form of personal power, something you do for yourself in response to someone’s inappropriate behavior. A boundary allows choices, including the choice to break the boundary and experience the consequences, whereas a threat takes away choices. A threat is a form of manipulation with the intent to control.

Now, this is really important: if you say you will leave when the boundary is broken, then you absolutely have to leave. Don’t argue back. Don’t defend yourself. Don’t explain. When that boundary of calm and respect has been broken, you just get up and go. There is no explanation necessary because you already gave it before the conversation started.

It’s important to honor your boundaries; otherwise, you’re teaching your mother that you’re “all talk but no action.” It hurts the first time you enforce a boundary. It hurts the next time too. But here’s my point: if you’re consistent, your mother will learn that she can’t treat you poorly anymore. Whether she likes it or not, she’ll learn that she must honor your boundaries if she wants to have any interaction with you at all.

Training your mother to behave differently when she’s with you will take time and repetition. There’s nothing more frustrating to her than pushing your buttons and getting no response, getting no supply from you. It’s not going to happen on the first attempt. To make her understand that you’re serious, you’ll need to enforce your boundaries repeatedly. Keep in mind that she’s not becoming empathetic, more understanding, or more emotionally attached to you. No, those are complex changes that she’s not capable of making. What’s actually happening is much more straightforward: she’s learning that her source of supply (you) goes away when she does x, y, or z.

During the conversation:

• Be direct. Speak assertively.
• Make factual statements. Do not explain your feelings or your choices. Explaining yourself only serves to feed your mother’s ego and give her more attention and supply.
• Do not defend or justify. Do not provide any supply. Use the gray rock method if you know it.
• Maintain your boundaries.
• Stay in your power. Remember, you will act with dignity and grace in your personal power. It does not matter how she chooses to act.

Don’t forget; that your mother has a right to her own thoughts and perceptions of you. This isn’t about trying to get her to see you or accept you. That’s not going to happen. This is about sharing information and feelings authentically.

Having a conversation with a narcissistic mother feels like a game of emotional tug-of-war. But when you drop your end of the rope, the game stops. It can’t continue unless you pick up your end and start pulling again. So, no more games. You don’t have to explain that you’re no longer playing or why. Your actions speak loud and clear: when you drop the rope, you’re demonstrating that she no longer has control over you.

If you haven’t tried this, I can tell you from experience that it’s very empowering.

After the conversation:

Take some quiet time alone to review how it went and how you feel. Journal about the conversation’s pros and cons. Talk about how it went well and how it didn’t. Write about what you’ll need to do differently the next time you get together. Write it out, review it, and use it the next time you spend time with your mother. Doing these will build the consistency that it takes. Each time you interact, you’ll make those little tweaks and changes, and eventually, you’ll have a solid way of conversing with your mom that works for you.

Now, go do something wonderful for your self-care.

Tools for Healing

Discover the Traits of a Narcissistic Mother

Understand the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle

Learn about dysfunctional family roles

Limit expectations

Learn why words can hurt as much as physical abuse

Take the Adverse Childhood Experiences Quiz to see how childhood trauma is affecting you

More Resources You May Like:

Join the Free Email Survival Course:

Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.

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I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self, Workbook and Journal, by Diane Metcalf

Experience the power of self-affirmation: using positive statements to improve well-being and performance. Learn research-based steps to write the most effective affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things.

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Author’s Site: Free Shipping

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About the Author

Drawing from her personal experiences of growing up in a dysfunctional household, Diane Metcalf has developed effective coping and healing strategies. With the assistance of professional therapists and mindful personal growth, she has honed her skills and now happily shares them with others who are interested in learning and growing.

As an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer, Diane is well-versed in topics such as narcissism, family dysfunction, abuse, and recognizing warning signs. Her extensive knowledge is drawn not only from her personal experiences, but also from her work in human service fields, including domestic violence, partner abuse, and court advocacy. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.

Diane’s transformational books on healing and personal growth, such as the highly acclaimed “Lemon Moms” series, offer emotional support and guidance in understanding narcissistic traits and healing past wounds. Her approach emphasizes self-awareness, intention, self-care, and establishing healthy boundaries as essential components in the healing process.

Learn more about the Lemon Moms series: Lemon Moms

See what’s happening on DianeMetcalf.com

This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

Quick Document Links:

Identifying toxic people is an essential step in healing from any kind of abuse or mistreatment

As you begin recovering from the effects of gaslighting, codependency, cognitive dissonance, trauma bonding, betrayal, or C-PTSD, your self-care organically becomes more important. As part of your everyday self-care, it’s crucial to know how to recognize toxic or dangerous individuals (and limit your exposure to them by using boundaries.) This is an ongoing way to take care of and protect yourself from further trauma or victimization.

The WEB Method is a “quick and easy way to identify potentially dangerous people.” WEB stands for words, emotions, and behavior. The method was developed by a licensed social worker, Bill Eddy. According to Eddy, there are three things to examine to find out if there’s a chance someone may be unsafe:

The WEB method requires you to pay attention to:

1. the WORDS the individual uses
2. YOUR emotions (How do you feel when around this person: On high alert? Unsafe? Unsure? Hesitant? Confused? Embarrassed? Afraid? Etc.)
3. THEIR behavior (How do they act: Arrogant? Blaming? Shaming? Critical? Cruel? Lacking empathy? Unstable? Risk-taking? Etc.) (Eddy 2018).

“Paying attention to their words” means:

• Noticing if they use either extremely positive or extremely negative words to describe you or others. This indicates black and white thinking, a trait of narcissists, and those who have personality disorders, including psychopaths.
• Looking for words that indicate a lack of emotional empathy or lack of interest or disregard for others. Again, narcissistic traits, as well as those with borderline personality disorder, sociopaths, and psychopaths.
• Spotting words that indicate that they see themselves as a victim or that they think they’ve been duped, targeted, or wounded. These are traits of narcissists as well as individuals who blame, make excuses, shirk responsibility, harbor resentment, and use negative self-talk.

You’ve made a lot of progress and come too far to let yourself get involved with a shaming, blaming, “poor me.”

Notice if they virtue signal. Virtue signaling is the not-so-humble declaration of one’s morals and values. “I’m generous,” “I’m extremely open-minded,” “I’m a good person.” These could be examples of words not matching actions. When someone wants others to believe what they say about themselves, it’s a type of gaslighting. Most of us don’t need to talk about or convince others of our good qualities. When a person possesses admirable character and integrity, they don’t need to announce or advertise it. They simply live it, and people notice.

“Paying attention to your emotions” means checking in with your feelings:

• How do you feel when you’re around this person? Confused? Emotionally Drained? Hurt? Defeated? Exhausted? Misunderstood? Stupid? Inadequate? Bullied? Sick? Mocked? Belittled? Humiliated? Why do you think you feel this way? What is your body trying to tell you?
• Do they seem too good to be true? “Charm” is considered to be a warning sign. People who intensely or endlessly flatter, praise, or compliment are often manipulative. Pouring on the charm may indicate that they’re a deceptive or controlling person. Keep monitoring.
• Do you feel like you can’t catch your breath or you can’t think straight when you’re around them? Psychopaths, sociopaths, borderlines, and narcissists can overwhelm others with their posturing and self-directed focus. They dominate conversations, don’t allow differences of opinion, and keep the focus on themselves. Conversations often feel like debates, and it’s usually hard to change the subject, or disengage, because they simply won’t’ allow it. When you’re in a discussion with a narcissist, you’ll feel unheard, misunderstood, or dismissed, and you’ll likely be mocked, or ridiculed if you challenge or disagree with them.

“Paying attention to their behavior” means you need to:

• Focus on their actions. Dangerous, toxic, and mentally ill people including narcissists are often defensive and will verbally or even physically attack those who criticize or appear to challenge them. Notice how they treat others. Do they humiliate or shame others? Do they embarrass you or cause you to want to apologize for their behavior?
• Notice their dismissal, disregard, or indifference of yourself or others. Do they interrupt you? Talk over you? Scorn, laugh at, or minimize your point of view? Is the message that what they say or do is more important than anybody else? These indicate an ego-centered worldview. Not good.
• Notice if they blame others for their own mistakes or poor choices. Narcissists and “poor-me’s” are famous for being big blamers. They shirk responsibility and don’t learn from their mistakes. Nothing is ever their fault. They don’t make mistakes!
• Notice if they encourage others to admire them. Do they seek attention, compliments, praise, or admiration? These are all forms of narcissistic supply, indicating that you may have a narcissist on your hands.

Healing from abuse, betrayal or mistreatment is a complex, energy-consuming, and often painful undertaking. It requires commitment, patience, and time. It means doing the hard work and taking excellent self-care. Protecting ourselves from those who would hurt, take advantage, manipulate, or interrupt, (reverse, or stall) our progress, is part of that process.

All the best-

More Tools

Start using positive detachment

Learn to set boundaries

Learn about dysfunctional family roles

Find out what trauma does to your brain

Learn about codependency and other maladaptive coping skills

Understand the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle

Learn about Narcissism Awareness Grief

More Resources You May Like:

Join the Free Email Survival Course:

Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.

Private Facebook group included for members only.

Get the TOOLBOX APP

for instant information, support, and validation!

I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self, Workbook and Journal, by Diane Metcalf

Experience the power of self-affirmation: using positive statements to improve well-being and performance. Learn research-based steps to write the most effective affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things.

Get it Here:

Author’s Site: Free Shipping

Barnes and Noble

Amazon

Browse the Positivity Shop

Get the TOOLBOX posts twice monthly in your inbox!

About the Author

Drawing from her personal experiences of growing up in a dysfunctional household, Diane Metcalf has developed effective coping and healing strategies. With the assistance of professional therapists and mindful personal growth, she has honed her skills and now happily shares them with others who are interested in learning and growing.

As an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer, Diane is well-versed in topics such as narcissism, family dysfunction, abuse, and recognizing warning signs. Her extensive knowledge is drawn not only from her personal experiences, but also from her work in human service fields, including domestic violence, partner abuse, and court advocacy. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.

Diane’s transformational books on healing and personal growth, such as the highly acclaimed “Lemon Moms” series, offer emotional support and guidance in understanding narcissistic traits and healing past wounds. Her approach emphasizes self-awareness, intention, self-care, and establishing healthy boundaries as essential components in the healing process.

Learn more about the Lemon Moms series: Lemon Moms

See what’s happening on DianeMetcalf.com

This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.