Ditch the Unsupportive Inner Dialogue
It’s not surprising to know that our inner dialogue is connected to how we feel and think about ourselves. If you beat yourself up for perceived failures or shortcomings, how does that help you? Does it motivate you to change? Does it keep you feeling bad and keep you stuck? How is that different from how a toxic or abusive person treats you?
Recovering from any kind of trauma, abuse or mistreatment requires more than reading, educating ourselves, and revisiting old memories. It requires getting in touch with our feelings, prioritizing self-care, dumping limiting beliefs, and learning to set and enforce boundaries. It means learning new ways of communicating, increasing self-esteem and self-confidence, and detaching from people who aren’t good for us.
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It means doing the work, and I believe that going from an unsupportive inner dialogue to an uplifting and proactive one brings about positive change.
Until I began my own healing journey in earnest, I continued attracting toxic people and exercising my people-pleasing, codependent coping skills. I fixed and helped others without their invitation to do so. I felt resentful when they ignored my advice or were unappreciative of my help. Makes no sense, right?
In regard to healing specifically from narcissistic abuse, narcissism specialists say that we have two choices when dealing with those on the narcissistic spectrum: 1. live on their terms or 2. go “no contact.” For me, going no contact felt like a form of avoidance, and it wasn’t in line with the goals I had for myself. I wanted to learn how to heal and get my power back, not avoid. Going “no contact” wasn’t the right choice for me. So, I created a third option: I walked through the chaos and confusion of my mother’s narcissistic behavior, armed with new coping skills and strategies while protecting myself with boundaries. Retooling my self-talk in the form of positive affirmations was part of that package too, and I’ve included some of my favorite affirmations at the bottom of this article. I hope you check them out!
Negative and Unsupportive
In talking about affirmations, you might be more familiar with the negative types; those hurtful, unkind, and destructive things we tell ourselves. They are unsupportive inner dialogues that run in the background of our thoughts. We hear them as that little voice that whispers, “you’re too fat to be wearing that,” or “none of these people care about what you think,” or “you’re not smart enough to do that.” Those negative affirmations can do a lot of harm to our self-confidence and self-esteem. It’s time to replace them. Let’s kick the negativity out altogether. When we’re on a path of self-discovery, recovery, and moving forward, negative self-talk has no place in our lives.
If we grew up surrounded by dysfunction, especially in a narcissistic home, we got the message that we couldn’t do anything right, weren’t good enough, or didn’t matter. If we had a narcissistic mother, her words and behavior cut us deeply, like emotional knives. And long after we left home, that cruel, critical, internalized voice stayed with us.
We may try convincing ourselves that we’re over-reacting, that no harm was done, or that those painful memories we keep experiencing never really happened (self-gaslighting.) However, denying the reality of a painful childhood and allowing emotional wounds to remain unhealed leaves us unprepared for life’s challenges as adults. Our unhealed triggers and wounded inner child can keep us stuck perceiving, feeling, and responding like frightened children.
Two Powerful Words
Positive, healing affirmations remind us of who we are when we are living as our authentic selves. Affirmations remind us of who we are when we are living as our true selves. By following our intuition, and writing and speaking positive affirmations, we begin to honor and eventually become our authentic selves and create our best lives possible. We become our best ”I Am.”
Affirmations are designed to promote an optimistic mindset; they have been shown to reduce the tendency to dwell on negative experiences (Wiesenfeld et al., 2001.) Optimism is powerful! When we replace negative thoughts with positive ones, we create a whole new mindset and perspective about “who we are” and what we can accomplish.
The Work
Using strong positive affirmations helps with boundary setting, feeling safe, improving self-trust and self-esteem, increasing self-confidence and personal empowerment, and healing C-PTSD symptoms.
Positive Affirmations vs. Codependency
Positive affirmations are the opposite of codependency. By speaking positive affirmations, we are reminded that we are powerful, that we matter, that we are worthy and that we already have the answers we seek. When we stand in this truth, our truth, we feel this. We know this.
If we don’t frequently remind ourselves of who we are as our best selves we can easily slip into living on others’ terms and lose our identities. We can quickly become other-focused and work to become what someone else wants us to be. This loss of self is at the core of codependency, (aka enabling and people-pleasing.)
I’ve heard it said that “damnation is the discontinuation of growth and development.” We may not know where we’re going, but let’s not go back to where we’ve been. Instead, keep growing, keep learning, keep moving forward, and continue healing. Learn to trust the ebb and flow of life and, most importantly, in yourself.
Here are some healing affirmations from my book, Lemon Moms Life-altering Affirmations: Change Your Self-talk, Change YourSELF. They were specifically written for those who are in a relationship with someone who has narcissistic traits, but they can be useful to anyone who needs them. Many of them help diminish codependent thinking and behaving.
These affirmations will help if you’re: healing from narcissistic or abusive interactions, progressing through Narcissism Awareness Grief, experiencing Narcissism Victim Syndrome, at any phase in the cycle of abuse, or living with someone who has distorted thinking or mental illness. Some affirmations are repeated in more than one category because they apply to more than one.
I sincerely wish you healing and peace.
If you’re interested in Lemon Moms Life-Altering Affirmations: Change Your Self-talk, Change YourSELF– it’s sold worldwide, including Amazon Kindle, Amazon Paperback, B&N Nook, B&N Paperback, Google Play, Apple Books
Healing Affirmations
For Calming Fight or Flight (Affirmations to help deal with hypervigilance)
- I have confidence in myself.
- The past is over. I happily focus on the present moment, feeling empowered.
- I acknowledge and protect my personal power.
- I am safe.
- I hear, affirm, comfort, and validate my inner child.
- I trust my mind.
- I trust my decisions.
- My self-talk is strictly positive.
- I trust my senses of sight, hearing, smell, taste, and touch.
- I am whole.
- I can, and I will.
- I heal more every day.
- I am in control of what I think and how I feel.
- I am a survivor and healed warrior.
- Today I give myself the freedom to make an error and know that it does not affect my worth as a human being.
- I release old habits and practice new ones.
- I let go of controlling or manipulating others.
- I know and trust my own mind.
For Working Through Narcissism Awareness Grief (Affirmations to help deal with feelings of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, rewriting, acceptance)
- I always mattered, but my mother couldn’t see it or acknowledge it.
- I am in charge. Today’s thoughts create my future.
- I hear, affirm, comfort, and validate my inner child.
- This is stressful, so I take extra good care of myself today.
- I stay in the present and focus on one day at a time.
- I let myself rest without judgment.
- I am kind and gentle with myself.
- Today I honor and cherish my inner child, who was blameless then and now.
- Now is the time to step into my power.
- I am loved, loving and lovable.
- I can do hard things.
- When I have a problem, I focus on solutions.
- I am naturally relaxed and confident.
- I am safe and secure.
- I am emotionally and physically strong.
- I allow peace into my life.
- I effectively communicate my needs and desires.
- I accept that others love the best they can and may be limited in their ability to express love.
- I am centered and focused.
- I am unaffected by the desires of others
To Feel Accepted (Affirmations to help deal with being scapegoated and rejected)
- I use my voice, and I am heard.
- Only I can determine my self-worth.
- I let go of the need for others to validate me.
- I value myself.
- I am human. It’s OK to be imperfect.
- I focus on what I can control, and I release the rest.
- I make healthy choices for myself.
- I ask for help when I am struggling.
- I allow others to live their lives and release the need to worry or control.
- I am stronger than I thought.
- I lean on others for support, and I am lovingly supported.
- I find something for which to be grateful every day.
- I am loving, intelligent, and creative, and I make positive changes in my life.
- I am a survivor and healed warrior.
- I deserve good things in life.
- My relationships are respectful and peaceful.
- I release old habits and practice new ones.
- I am connected with my authentic self.
- I express myself confidently.
- I hear my intuition and inner wisdom, and I listen.
- I am well and worthy.
- I know and trust my own mind.
- My boundaries are a form of self-love.
- Only I can determine my self-worth.
To Heal Betrayal Wounds (Affirmations to help deal with narcissistic dishonesty and lies)
- I use my voice, and I am heard.
- I let go of the need for others to validate me.
- Only I can determine my self-worth.
- I listen when my heart talks to me.
- I reaffirm for myself that I am on the right path.
- I happily focus on the present moment, feeling empowered.
- I focus on what I can control, and I release the rest.
- I lean on others for support, and I am lovingly supported.
- I value myself.
- I rely on my higher power for strength and guidance.
- I easily dial up my confidence anytime I want.
- I acknowledge the things that I like about myself and add to that list regularly.
- I am resilient.
- I am unaffected by others’ negativity.
- I see the good things in myself.
- When I feel overwhelmed, I choose healthy ways to cope.
- I am intelligent and use my mind to make my life better.
- I am a caring person, and people care about me.
- I have strong intuition, and I trust it even if I don’t like what it tells me.
- When I see red flags occurring in people or relationships, I pay attention to them and respond accordingly.
- I ask for clarification when I am confused.
To Heal Shame (Affirmations to help deal with feeling ashamed)
- I am worthy of love, happiness, and fulfillment.
- Only I can determine my self-worth.
- I have everything I need to be successful.
- I am strong and resilient.
- I am complete and whole.
- I embrace change. I am the author of my story.
- I embrace my new life even when it makes others uncomfortable.
- I hear, affirm, comfort, and validate my inner child.
- I allow without judgment.
- I focus on what I can control, and I release the rest.
- Everything is working for my highest good.
- I belong. I know that I am safe.
- I have everything I need. I am safe. I am loved.
- I feel safe wherever I am.
- I give my time and energy to those who deserve it.
Tools for Healing
Learn why what you tell yourself matters
Learn how to protect yourself with boundaries
Learn about the narcissistic abuse cycle
Learn about dysfunctional family roles
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When someone’s vibe feels “icky,” or they have “unusual” personality quirks, would you know if they are genuine warning signs or if you could be in danger?
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Have you been caught off guard by toxic individuals?
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I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self, Workbook and Journal, by Diane Metcalf
Experience the power of self-affirmation: using positive statements to improve well-being and performance. Learn research-based steps to write the most effective affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things.
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Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism, by Diane Metcalf
For as long as I can remember, there was something “different” about my mother. She wasn’t like other mothers.
My mom didn’t hug or kiss, smile at, spend time with, or play with me. She never seemed happy to see me. She didn’t ask about my school day and wasn’t interested in knowing my friends. She seemed to have no interest in me or anything that I did. My mom called me hurtful names and obscenities, and at times, she ignored me, not speaking to me for days, weeks, or even months. When she felt sad I was expected to emotionally care-take her. When she didn’t feel like parenting, I was responsible for my siblings. When she lost her temper she hit. When I was disobedient, there were bizarre punishments.
I was not allowed to express feelings, ask questions, or show initiative or curiosity. My feelings were discounted, minimized, or invalidated. She re-wrote my memories, and I was expected to believe her version. I was to obey, stay quiet, and not question.
If any of this sounds familiar, you are not alone. If there is manipulation, power struggles, or cruelty in your relationship, this book can help. If you second-guess your memory, doubt your judgment or sanity, or continually seek your mother’s withheld affection, attention, approval, or love, this book can explain why.
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About the Author
Drawing from her personal experiences of growing up in a dysfunctional household, Diane Metcalf has developed effective coping and healing strategies. With the assistance of professional therapists and mindful personal growth, she has honed her skills and now happily shares them with others who are interested in learning and growing.
As an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer, Diane is well-versed in topics such as narcissism, family dysfunction, abuse, and recognizing warning signs. Her extensive knowledge is drawn not only from her personal experiences, but also from her work in human service fields, including domestic violence, partner abuse, and court advocacy. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.
Diane’s transformational books on healing and personal growth, such as the highly acclaimed “Lemon Moms” series, offer emotional support and guidance in understanding narcissistic traits and healing past wounds. Her approach emphasizes self-awareness, intention, self-care, and establishing healthy boundaries as essential components in the healing process.
Learn more about the Lemon Moms series: Lemon Moms
See what’s happening on DianeMetcalf.com
This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.
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