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It hurts

Isolation feels like disconnectedness, being unattached, singular, on our own, forever solo. And we can feel that way even when we’re not physically alone. There have been times that I’ve felt isolated in a room full of people!

Isolating ourselves can make us feel as though we’re unimportant to everyone and that we matter to no one, sometimes not even to ourselves.

What leads to isolation?

When we intentionally (or unintentionally) withdraw or cocoon, or we don’t respond when others reach out to us, (or WE don’t reach out) we are cutting ourselves off from humanity.  When we live inside our heads, not sharing our thoughts or feelings, we’re actually practicing an act of isolation. Isolating in this way is a type of numbing, a kind of “hiding” from ourselves or from reality. Sometimes it’s connected with denial.

Growing up in a home where there’s no emotional inter-connectedness with our family members or no real communication often leads to experiencing feelings of isolation. When we feel ignored, invisible or insignificant as a child,  it’s easy to continue using these same maladaptive relationship patterns after we become adults. As a result, we may continue to let others make our decisions for us without the benefit of us sharing our thoughts or feelings. We choose to silence our voices because we believe that what we say doesn’t matter. We give away our personal power because we’re not even aware that we have any power.

When we’ve been traumatized by narcissism, alcoholism, addiction, or any other type of toxicity, whether as a child or as an adult, we often feel like we can’t talk about it with others. We prefer to keep our thoughts and feelings to ourselves because we feel ashamed or embarrassed. Sometimes we criticize and judge ourselves for becoming isolated, for being in a particular situation, or with a certain person. Sometimes we fear others’ judgment or criticism of our choices, and sometimes it simply feels like no one will be able to understand. We may feel at fault for our circumstances, and we isolate ourselves to hide our shame and our secrets.

Brene’ Brown is a research professor at the University of Houston, and she’s well known for studying courage, vulnerability, shame, and empathy. Brene’ firmly believes that we have to “walk through vulnerability to get to courage,” therefore . . . we should “embrace the suck.”

In her book I thought it was just me (but it isn’t): Making the Journey from “What Will People Think?” to “I Am Enough,” Ms. Brown describes shame as a “silent epidemic,” something that everybody experiences at some point in their lives.

She goes on to say that “Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging.” Personally, I don’t think it’s a coincidence that shame is associated with depression, guilt, anxiety, eating disorders, addiction, and violence. (habitsforwellbeing.com)

~By isolating, we prolong the pain.~

Patterns of Isolation 

By entertaining thoughts of “I don’t belong” or by judging ourselves as “not good enough,” we close ourselves off from others. This avoidance tactic can be used to hide from ourselves or from others and even from reality. There are lots of ways to hide! We can hide physically, mentally, spiritually, and/or emotionally. We may stop socializing and interacting. We may feel like keeping secrets and hiding or cocooning, so we begin keeping to ourselves and not reaching out for help or support. We may emotionally (or physically!) push others away. We interact with friends or family less often, and when we do, topics of conversation become superficial, and we steer clear of conversations about our personal or home-life. We avoid any chance of getting emotionally triggered or of triggering others. We avoid embarrassment by not accepting social invitations. 

What we’re actually doing is trying to avoid potential or imagined pain. 

The Power of Our Thoughts

“Closed-thinking” is an orderly and pretty inflexible task-based way of thinking. When we use a closed-thought process, we focus solely on “the goal” and getting something accomplished. We’re pressured and probably feel stressed because there’s usually a time limit or due date involved. Even self-imposed due dates can feel stressful.

Conversely, “open-thinking” feels more relaxed.  When we use open thinking, we don’t feel rushed because there is no hurry; there is no “due date.”  We don’t feel pressured or stressed. With open thinking, we enjoy the process of “playing around” with our beliefs and ideas instead of focusing on time-sensitive outcomes.

Is it surprising to know that isolation thrives on closed thinking? It’s no wonder isolation can feel so suffocating and hopeless.

We all have the ability to use open thinking, but many of us don’t have experience using our minds this way. Maybe we never learned how, or we never saw it modeled. Maybe life simply feels too heavy or serious right now to “play around” with ideas. Perhaps the idea of learning a new way of thinking makes us tired or uncomfortable.

Trying to learn how to think openly can certainly feel uncomfortable at first, and using this less restrictive process will remain difficult if we don’t practice.

Thinking openly means that we give ourselves time to daydream about possibilities and the space to read and research and envision scenarios. “What if” we were to do this instead of that? What would that look like? How might it feel? Open thinking involves thinking creatively (instead of purely logically) and collaborating with others. Bouncing ideas off somebody who we respect and trust can show us new perspectives and can open up new possibilities.

Breaking Isolation

Breaking our isolation means that we have to begin trusting people and changing our perspectives. We have to start taking chances and participating in our lives. Sharing ourselves with others and getting comfortable with our own vulnerability are the antidotes for isolation. 

Brene’ Brown says: “Shame is the most powerful, master emotion. It’s the fear that we’re not good enough” and “Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it’s having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome.”

Her research findings can effectively be summarized in this statement: “Staying vulnerable is a risk we have to take if we want to experience connection.”

Try reaching out to someone today. Just do one thing to break your isolation. Letting yourself be vulnerable will get easier with practice, I promise.

Tools

• Self-care
• Identify the Cycle of Abuse
• Recognize codependent coping skills
• Everyone makes choices. Are you choosing to stay in suffering mode? Why or why not?
• Respond rather than react. (Homework: look up the difference between reacting and responding. Try responding the next time you have the opportunity. See how it feels.)
• Have a plan for ending the isolation.
• Reframe your viewpoint: a shift in perspective can help us to determine what’s most valuable to us so we don’t waste emotional energy on less important things. Perspective is everything.
• Progress not perfection: Let’s give ourselves credit and just enjoy being human! No one is perfect. People just like to pretend they are.
• Live in the present: Be willing to give up worrying about the future. The future doesn’t exist, so we can’t predict or control it. Give up worrying about the past because the past doesn’t exist either, it’s a mental construction. The past is the “snapshot” we hold of an event that was processed by our own personal and unique filters. Focusing on the present moment is the only state of being that we can actually influence.
• Set boundaries 
• Do things you enjoy or that make you feel good. Taking care of ourselves and enjoying life is not selfish. 

More Brene’ Brown Quotes:

“When we’re defined by what people think, we lose the courage to be vulnerable. Therefore, we need to be selective about the feedback we let into our lives. For me, if you’re not in the arena also getting your ass kicked, I’m not interested in your feedback.” – Brené Brown

 “You either walk inside your story and own it, or you stand outside your story and hustle for your worthiness.” – Brené Brown

More Resources You May Like:

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Experience the power of self-affirmation: using positive statements to improve well-being and performance. Learn research-based steps to write the most effective affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things.

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About the Author

As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping and healing strategies. She happily shares those with those who want to learn and grow in their own recovery journies. 

Diane is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer on narcissism, family dysfunction, and abuse. She draws from her personal childhood experiences, as well as her work in human service fields like domestic violence and partner abuse. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.

Her transformational books about healing and moving forward include the highly praised “Lemon Moms” series. This emotionally supportive collection explains narcissistic traits and teaches how to reconcile past hurts to begin self-nurturing, healing, and moving forward.

See what’s new on DianeMetcalf.com

Learn about the Lemon Moms series: Lemon Moms

This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

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Are you codependent?

Codependent behavior often leaves us feeling resentful. If you’re feeling resentful about something you did or are doing for someone, it might be because you’re using codependent behavior (also known as “enabling.”)

Adult codependents were brought up to emotionally care-take others. As kids, we were caretakers for our siblings and sometimes even for our parents. Often, we were required to “grow up” quickly and take responsibilities that were not age-appropriate. If it felt unsafe, we learned to tiptoe around and not upset anyone. We learned how to become invisible and stay “under the radar.” We monitored other people’s behavior and moods, and we became proactive in meeting other people’s needs so WE could feel a sense of stability and safety.

Now, as adults, we’re “people-pleasers” who spend our time finding resolutions for other people’s problems. And because we’re proactive, we spend time focusing on and observing others to see what we can do for them.

We become attracted to the idea of “potential.” And guess what? We become attracted to others because of their potential. We will find emotional, physical, and even financial resources to give to those who have untapped potential! And we’re willing to give our all. These lucky souls become our personal DIY projects; we gladly do anything to help them overcome their problems and obstacles.  We go into debt, lose sleep, put ourselves in danger, give up our own goals, give up friends or family, whatever it takes. We feel needed, and we NEED to be needed! And we need to be liked.

Managing and “fixing” other people is just one aspect of codependency.

It feels good to care-take, but as I’ve mentioned, we’re often left feeling taken advantage of or resentful. Why is that? It’s because no one has asked us to fix their problems or their life or to shield them from the consequences of their actions. Deep down, we know this. In our hearts, we know that what we’re doing is unhealthy and that our focus needs to be on our own lives, but we aren’t comfortable doing that. Or we just don’t know how.  

Other kinds of codependent behavior

In his book, Co-Dependency, An Emerging Issue, Robert Subby defines codependency as “an emotional, psychological and behavioral condition that develops as a result of an individual’s prolonged exposure to… a set of oppressive rules…which prevent the open expression of feeling, and direct discussion of personal (and) interpersonal problems.” That sure is an accurate mouthful!

I learned that I was exercising codependent behavior at a time in my life when I was actively “fixing” aspects of peoples’ lives when they hadn’t asked me to. I was also putting everyone else first, taking care of everyone’s needs even when they hadn’t asked me or expected it. I didn’t put myself on my own “to-do” list. I felt exhausted, used, angry, and resentful. Continuing to live this way didn’t make sense.

I needed to break this cycle, yet I didn’t know how. Eventually, I learned to “let go” of my controlling behaviors and to allow people the opportunity to feel the consequences of their own actions. This was extremely uncomfortable for me at first, and I often felt guilty for not “doing my job” of jumping in and “helping.”

Then someone told me that I needed to consider that when I get between someone and their rightful consequences, I may be interfering with their karma or the life lessons intended for them. Wow! I thought about that. With a lot of self-reflection, self-control, and practice, I became much more comfortable backing off. It became second nature to allow others the dignity to address their own problems and the opportunity to feel the natural consequences of their choices. It got a LOT easier as time passed. Now I consciously live this way.

Codependency includes these behaviors

• Being preoccupied or concerned with the needs of others
• Placing a low priority on our own needs
• Being attracted to needy and emotionally unavailable people
• Believing that we have to be in a romantic relationship before we consider our lives worthwhile
• Trying to control another’s behavior
• Feeling incapable of ending a negative or toxic relationship
• Trying to please everyone even though we know we’ll feel resentful
• Not taking time for ourselves, ignoring our self-care
• Fearing for another’s safety but being willing to risk our own safety 
• Shielding someone from the consequences of their actions
• Taking responsibility for how another person feels
• Trying to fix another person’s problem when they haven’t asked you to
• Wanting to help or fix others because it makes US feel better
• Feeling like our lives are full of unwanted drama

What are your codependent behaviors?

• Have I/do I try to manage or control someone else’s life?
• Have I taken on responsibilities that aren’t mine?
• Have I been called a control freak?
• Do I “take care of” others by “cleaning up” their problems?
• Do I keep others from dealing with the consequences of their actions?
• Do I do things for others that they can and should do for themselves? 

Tools

• Remember: We don’t need to attend every argument to which we are invited. 
• Use your voice. Say what you mean and mean what you say. 
• Give others the dignity to make their own choices and mistakes and allow them the opportunity to learn from them. 
• Listen & empathize with someone’s problem or pain without trying to fix it.
• Trust that they’ll be OK without your help. 
• Set some healthy boundaries 
• Use positive detachment
• Do things that you enjoy and that make you feel cared for. Taking care of ourselves and enjoying life is not selfish. 
• Help others but wait to be asked. Waiting for the Ask is uncomfortable, but we can do hard things.

More Resources You May Like:

Join the Free Email Survival Course:

Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.

Private Facebook group included for members only.

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I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self, Workbook and Journal, by Diane Metcalf

Experience the power of self-affirmation: using positive statements to improve well-being and performance. Learn research-based steps to write the most effective affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things.

Get it Here:

Author’s Site: Free Shipping

Barnes and Noble

Amazon

Browse the Positivity Shop

Get the TOOLBOX posts twice monthly in your inbox!

About the Author

As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping and healing strategies. She happily shares those with those who want to learn and grow in their own recovery journies. 

Diane is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer on narcissism, family dysfunction, and abuse. She draws from her personal childhood experiences, as well as her work in human service fields like domestic violence and partner abuse. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.

Her transformational books about healing and moving forward include the highly praised “Lemon Moms” series. This emotionally supportive collection explains narcissistic traits and teaches how to reconcile past hurts to begin self-nurturing, healing, and moving forward.

See what’s new on DianeMetcalf.com

Learn about the Lemon Moms series: Lemon Moms

This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

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Do we really need limits on how others treat us?

But we need some boundaries in place to protect ourselves from living in a cycle of regret or feeling resentful or used. Setting boundaries can do this, but it can definitely feel scary to consider because sometimes the stakes are high. That fear, along with those high stakes, might keep us stuck in the cycle.

Setting boundaries helps bring an end to our people-pleasing behavior. Maybe for the first time, we’re willing to accept the many ways, good and not so good, that people might respond to this. I believe that setting boundaries is the first step in healing codependency. Setting boundaries is a courageous act of faith in yourself. It takes courage to say “No, I won’t ______________ anymore.”

“No” is a boundary. “No” is a choice. Saying “no I won’t do that” or “I will no longer tolerate ___________” is a way to honor our true feelings.

Saying yes to something when we want to say no can make us feel resentful, used, and angry. When we’re co-dependent, we often say “yes” when we want to say “no”, or we say “no” when we really want to say “yes.” But why do we do this?  I think it’s because we’re afraid.  We’re afraid we’ll need to justify saying no or have to explain why we’re saying it. But really, an explanation is not required. It’s actually enough just to say “no.” 

“No” is a complete sentence.

We want to be liked and needed, and we’re afraid of losing that. Sometimes we say yes instead of no because we depend on others for a sense of approval or for a sense of identity. We don’t want to lose that. Sometimes we need or want validation. Sometimes we depend on external validation because we haven’t learned to validate ourselves yet. (That’s a discussion for another time.)

We can say “no” with love & compassion. It doesn’t have to be mean. 

“No” is a very clear choice. It’s not negative. It’s an affirmation of our integrity and beliefs. 

It’s important when we’re healing to start saying what we mean and meaning what we say. Your “yes” is stronger and more meaningful if you say “no” now and then. 

We are in control of where to draw the line & how to articulate where we stand. Doing this empowers us. 

Why it’s important to have personal boundaries

I’ve read that it’s far better to use an “assertive no” rather than a “submissive yes.” Think about that.

We lose a part of ourselves when we say yes but want to say no and when we say no but want to say yes. We are people-pleasing then, and we’re not saying what we mean and meaning what we say. We lose our integrity. It’s too high a price to pay. Be true to yourself and say what you mean.  Setting boundaries is a method of showing our integrity. Healthy boundaries help us set limits that protect and empower us. 

Boundaries pertain to “me” and my behavior rather than to others. They are under my control. I base my personal boundaries on “what I need” to maintain my personal safety, emotional stability, and mental health. 

Boundaries are not intended to be a way to control others. They’re not meant to change another person’s behavior. They’re a way to have personal limits for ourselves. They’re not emotional, they’re facts.

Boundaries protect us from another’s destructive behavior or from engaging in activities that we don’t want to be involved in. Setting healthy boundaries is a form of self-care and self-empowerment.

WE get to determine what’s acceptable to us and what’s not. 

Boundaries are not a “do this or else” kind of statement. They are not a threat to someone else’s behavior. Enforcing a boundary is not meant to be a way to manipulate or control others. Rather, a boundary is where we “draw the line.” It means you’ve thought about which of their behaviors are acceptable to you and which ones are not.

How to set healthy boundaries

Setting a boundary requires four things:

1. Acknowledging that you have a specific physical or emotional need that will help you feel happy, safe, healthy, loved, understood, etc.
2. Acknowledging someone’s behavior that’s directly related to or challenges this need. (This is going to be the boundary.)
3. Setting consequences. This is the action you will take when the boundary is broken. When that line is crossed you will need to know ahead of time what you’ll do and be prepared to do it.
4. Possibly informing about the new boundary by stating the above three items. Informing is a choice that you do not have to take. More about that is below.

A word about consequences

The consequence (the action that you take) is taken by you to protect yourself or to take you out of a situation.

By following through with the consequence, you’ll be letting the situation play out without you. This is because setting a boundary means we will no longer engage in unacceptable behavior. We choose to lay down our end of the tug-of-war rope, and we do something else. What the other person does next is their choice. And the consequences of that choice are theirs too.

We follow through with our stated consequences, understanding that we have no control over what happens next after we take ourselves out of the situation. And we accept that no matter what happens, we’ll be OK and we won’t step back in to take control. This is the really scary part because OF COURSE what happens next could affect you.

This fear can make us want to give up the idea of setting boundaries and just remain co-dependent.

The benefits of setting boundaries

To me, having personal boundaries is another form of exercising something called “positive detachment“: meaning that I’m staying in my own personal space regardless of what’s going on around me. I’m not trying to control others, and I’m not taking responsibility for their choices. By setting boundaries, I’m consciously and lovingly letting others deal with the consequences of their choices, even if it’s uncomfortable for them. Even if it costs them money, relationships, or jobs. There’s definitely a degree of “tough love” involved in setting and enforcing boundaries.

Boundaries are not something that you negotiate with anyone. No one can determine your boundaries but you simply because they’re part of your self-care! No one knows what’s best for you more than you do. You don’t need someone’s permission to set a boundary, and you don’t need them to approve of it, allow it, or agree to it. BOUNDARIES ARE NOT ABOUT ANYONE BUT YOU. THEY ARE TO TAKE CARE OF YOU.

It’s about choice

Boundaries are not threats or ultimatums:

For example:

“You’d better not do —— ever again or else!”

Instead, a healthy boundary would be more like this:

“If you choose to do that then I’ll do this_____. “

It’s about giving someone choices for their behavior rather than taking choices away from them. If your boundary leaves someone with the ability to choose, then it’s probably a healthy boundary. If your boundary takes away their choices except for one, then it’s probably more of an ultimatum or a threat, not a boundary. Keep in mind that the choices you’re leaving them include the THING that you don’t want them to do. The thing that means you’ll enforce the consequences. That’s OK. Just be aware that they may test you to see if you’re serious. Always follow through with the consequences.

To set healthy boundaries, you must understand where you end and others begin. It’s also necessary to have healthy self-worth and self-confidence or to at least be actively engaged in improving those.

Acknowledge what you need

Start by asking yourself:

What do I need, to feel safe, loved, secure, happy, rested, mentally healthy, etc?

This one can be tough. Take the time to explore this over a period of time. Do you need to get to bed earlier than your partner? Do you need quiet time for whatever reason away from your kids every day? Do you need a particular medication or supplement? Do you need to eat or not eat certain things? Does something that a person does or says make you uncomfortable? Does their behavior make you feel emotionally or physically unsafe? Do they regularly disrespect you or say things that are hurtful? Think about people or situations that you would avoid if you could and ask yourself why. If you could change anything, what would it be? Ask yourself: what’s my motivation for setting this boundary?  I’m guessing that your answer is something along the lines of “I want him to stop doing ______” or “I want her to stop treating me like  ________.”

OK. That’s great. Now, because we can’t control other people’s thoughts or behavior, we have to reframe this a bit.

Examples of Healthy Boundaries

We can’t make him stop doing _______, and we can’t make her treat you differently. So what CAN we do? We can change what happens if and when they do those things. We can change the outcome for ourselves. We don’t have to stand there and accept unacceptable behavior. This is self-care.

For example,

NEED: I need to feel safe.

The RELATED BEHAVIOR: I don’t feel safe when he _______.

Reality: I can’t control whether he does ________ or not, but I can control ME. So, an appropriate boundary could be something like this:

BOUNDARY: When he does _______,

CONSEQUENCE: then I will do this:

1. Walk away

2. Go to a different room

3. Hang up

4. Call someone

5. Leave

6. Take a taxi

7. or some other choice that removes you from the situation

If I want to INFORM him about my boundary, I would say something like: “I need to feel safe when I’m with you (unmet need.) I don’t feel safe when you drink and drive (boundary.) If you drink and choose to drive, I will call an Uber for myself (consequence.)

Another example:

NEED: I need to maintain my positive feelings about my sisters in order to have an enjoyable relationship with them.

The RELATED BEHAVIOR: I feel uncomfortable when my mother starts talking negatively about my sisters.

Reality: I can’t control if or how she talks about them but I can control ME. So, an appropriate boundary could be something like this:

BOUNDARY: When she begins disrespecting my sisters…

CONSEQUENCE: then I will do one of these:

1. Change the subject
2. End the conversation and hang up

If I want to INFORM her of my boundary I could say something like: “I need to feel good about my relationship with my sisters. I don’t like hearing negative, critical, and judgemental things about them. If you say anything hurtful or disrespectful about them (boundary) I will change the subject or end our conversation (consequence).

Do you see the difference between simply putting up an emotional wall/avoiding certain people/trying to control another’s behavior, and setting a boundary to take care of yourself? Think about the difference. It’s huge.

After you’ve developed a boundary, ask yourself:

Does the boundary take care of me?

Am I trying to control the person’s behavior or am I trying to take care of myself? Is my “boundary” more of a threat or ultimatum?

A healthy boundary should give the other person the ability to make choices. If they are not left with any choice or have only one “choice”, then it’s not a healthy boundary.

To inform them or not

As shown above, the final step you may want to include after you’ve set a boundary is to inform the people involved. You don’t have to inform, especially if you think doing so will make your boundary be perceived as a challenge. I would say “do not inform” if you think the person will break the boundary just to test you. Do not inform if you think it will provoke an argument or put you in danger. You will carry out your boundary and the consequences, and the person will learn that the boundary exists that way.

However, if you want to inform, you will choose the right time and simply state your boundary and the consequences, that’s it.  As uncomfortable as it might be to state and enforce a boundary, you may still want to do it as a way of expressing your expectations.

Informing others of your new boundaries can feel scary or intimidating. It doesn’t have to be a lengthy or painful conversation. In fact, I believe that “stating the facts” is all that’s required. You do not need to justify, answer questions or deal with drama. If a tug-of-war is offered, you are not required to engage. Drop your end of the tug-of-war rope and do something else.

Whether you inform or carry out the boundary and consequences without informing, the choice is up to you. I would suggest being very comfortable with the consequences and knowing without a doubt that you can carry them out.

Putting it together

1. What do you need to feel safe, secure, loved, happy, rested, etc? (need)
2. What is the behavior that keeps this need from being met? (boundary)
3. What will you do when this behavior shows up? (consequence)
4. Inform or not

Setting boundaries can feel so scary that sometimes we avoid doing it. Start with just one and see how it goes. It takes practice to set boundaries, especially if we haven’t learned how to do it when we were children or if we’ve never seen healthy boundaries in action. Sometimes the boundaries we set, or their consequences, will need to be tweaked or adjusted so they work better. That’s absolutely OK! Just make sure that whatever your consequence is, you will absolutely be able to carry it out. If we back down and don’t enforce our own boundaries, we can end up feeling defeated or resentful, or weak. If we don’t enforce our own boundaries, we’re sending the message that we’re not serious! If you don’t feel you can carry out the consequence, you need to re-think the consequence and create a new one.

When your boundaries are challenged or rejected

This can be tricky. Dealing with someone who’s challenging us or daring us to enforce our boundaries requires us to feel a high degree of self-worth, self-esteem, and self-confidence, or at least for us to be actively working on those things. We’ll need to be able to respond with something like “I understand that you don’t like this (boundary). It’s absolutely something I need and intend to keep doing for myself.”

Sometimes people can be hurtful, critical, or judgmental when we start setting and enforcing boundaries. They’re not used to it, and they don’t like it. In the spirit of positive detachment, that’s all OK. They don’t have to like it. Whether they like it or not has nothing to do with you or taking care of yourself. So when someone challenges your boundary, remind yourself that you can do hard things. You do hard things every day, and you’ve been doing hard things all your life. This is no different.

When they challenge the boundary, you re-state your want/need, the boundary, and the consequence. If they go ahead and cross that line anyway, then you go ahead and carry out the consequences.

Tools

• Pause. Take time to think. Don’t respond right away. Say something like: “I’m going to need to think about that”, or “I’ll get back to you on that.” 
• Practice saying yes and no to real or imaginary questions. 
• Know when something is your responsibility & when it’s not. Say it nicely, say it with firmness. “No, that’s actually something you should be doing for yourself.”
• Remind yourself that you’re worthy of setting that boundary and that you’re worthy of being fair to yourself. 
• Pay attention to the physical sensations in your body when you think about saying yes or no and then do the thing that honors your body. 
• What are some other things I can say when I don’t want to say yes, but I’m uncomfortable saying no? Possible replies:
  • “ I appreciate you asking, but no that’s not something I can do.”
  • “No, I can’t do that but here’s what I can do.”
  • “No, but is there something else I could do to help?”
  • “At this time in my life no, I’m sorry I can’t do it.” 
  • “No, thank you.”
  • “Count me out.”
  • “I’ll get back to you.”  

What are expectations and why should I ditch them?

More about healing Codependency

Understand the Cycle of Abuse

More Resources You May Like:

Join the Free Email Survival Course:

Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.

Private Facebook group included for members only.

Get the TOOLBOX APP

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I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self, Workbook and Journal, by Diane Metcalf

Experience the power of self-affirmation: using positive statements to improve well-being and performance. Learn research-based steps to write the most effective affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things.

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Author’s Site: Free Shipping

Barnes and Noble

Amazon

Browse the Positivity Shop

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About the Author

As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping and healing strategies. She happily shares those with those who want to learn and grow in their own recovery journies. 

Diane is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer on narcissism, family dysfunction, and abuse. She draws from her personal childhood experiences, as well as her work in human service fields like domestic violence and partner abuse. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.

Her transformational books about healing and moving forward include the highly praised “Lemon Moms” series. This emotionally supportive collection explains narcissistic traits and teaches how to reconcile past hurts to begin self-nurturing, healing, and moving forward.

See what’s new on DianeMetcalf.com

Learn about the Lemon Moms series: Lemon Moms

This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

Quick Links

Our peace and happiness are proportional to our expectations. That means our peace and happiness are directly related to how many expectations we hold onto. Do you see how your expectations of certain people can hold the key to much of your happiness and peace? Think about all the ways you might be disappointed by the people who don’t meet your expectations. Do you think it might be time to take that powerful key back?

Unpacking the Burden of Expectations: How to Find Peace in Acceptance

Expectations” are another name for the “shoulds” that we apply to ourselves and others. Our expectations are under our control. They are about what we want in terms of people’s behavior.

Sometimes expectations are realistic, and often they’re not. They may even be tied to our worth or perceived value as a person.

Having expectations of others without communicating with them is the same as expecting them to READ YOUR MIND. Mind reading was a big expectation in my family of origin. It caused a lot of misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and resentment. I know how easy it is to believe that people in our lives will “just know” what we want or need at any given time. If they know us, or if they LOVE us, they should just KNOW without having to be TOLD, right? Not only do we expect them to automatically know what we want, but we assume that they’ll do those things too. When they don’t know the expectations and don’t follow through, we get resentful. How ridiculous is that? And how fair is that to them?

High and Low Expectations

If we use words like “never” and “always” when we think about our expectations, it indicates that it’s an unreasonable expectation because of “black and white” (aka “all or none”) thinking. Having unrealistic or unreasonably high expectations leads to resentment. When expectations are unrealistic, they’re often based on fear. If you find an unrealistic expectation in your thinking, look to see if it’s fear-based. Maybe you’re afraid of losing something or of someone taking something from you.

Conversely, having low expectations can lead to disappointment. Sometimes we purposefully, and maybe unconsciously, set low expectations for others in order to avoid feeling disappointed.

If you’re not sure whether your expectations are appropriate, ask someone whose integrity you respect to see what they think. Sometimes another’s perspective lends insight.

Another thing to consider about our expectations is that if we grew up in a dysfunctional or unhealthy environment, we might expect “bad things” always to be part of our lives. We may be adults who expect the worst of others or live fearfully. If this is true for you, changing your attitudes about what you expect will change your life. When we practice awareness of our expectations, we’re less likely to be disappointed, angry, or resentful when they’re not met.

We’re always changing, and our expectations need to be flexible and able to change along with us.

The Expectation Trap: Breaking Free from Resentment and Disappointment

• Examine one expectation about someone specific. Is your expectation realistic? How do you know? How can you change it if it’s not?
• How important is this expectation? Is it worth sleepless nights? Is it worth feeling anger, hurt feelings, or resentment? How important is it really?
• Let go; detach. Let others be who they are. Notice how this feels. Is it pleasant? Why or why not?
• Let go of what people say (or didn’t say) or what they did (or didn’t) do. Let go of outcomes. Let go of your expectations. How does it feel? Scary? Anxiety-provoking? What can you do about that?
• Make the goal of “letting go” a process of progress.
• Focus on progress, not perfection.
• Trust the process.

Tools

Learn about the Cycle of Abuse

Learn about setting boundaries 

Learn about codependency and maladaptive coping skills

Self-care: We can only choose to focus on and be responsible for ourselves, our own thoughts, actions, and behavior. We can take responsibility for getting our needs met instead of waiting for someone to change or meet our needs for us. We are in control of ourselves, and no one is responsible for us but us. We can change ourselves with patience, persistence, and practice.

Conscious awareness:  Be aware and make conscious choices before acting. Self-awareness releases us from making impulsive and potentially damaging decisions. Practice mindfulness.

Learn about letting go of what you can’t control, by using positive-detachment

More Resources You May Like:

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I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self, Workbook and Journal, by Diane Metcalf

Experience the power of self-affirmation: using positive statements to improve well-being and performance. Learn research-based steps to write the most effective affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things.

Get it Here:

Author’s Site: Free Shipping

Barnes and Noble

Amazon

Browse the Positivity Shop

Get the TOOLBOX posts twice monthly in your inbox!

About the Author

As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping and healing strategies. She happily shares those with those who want to learn and grow in their own recovery journies. 

Diane is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer on narcissism, family dysfunction, and abuse. She draws from her personal childhood experiences, as well as her work in human service fields like domestic violence and partner abuse. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.

Her transformational books about healing and moving forward include the highly praised “Lemon Moms” series. This emotionally supportive collection explains narcissistic traits and teaches how to reconcile past hurts to begin self-nurturing, healing, and moving forward.

See what’s new on DianeMetcalf.com

Learn about the Lemon Moms series: Lemon Moms

This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

Healthy coping mechanisms help us make sense of confusing or threatening life experiences. They help us to respond appropriately in healthy ways. You’ve heard the saying, “when life gives you lemons, make lemonade”? Well, that’s a coping skill: taking something negative and turning it into a positive. But in reality, nothing actually changes except how we view and handle the incident. In other words, life has still given us lemons. Instead of getting angry or depressed, feeling slighted or misunderstood, or letting it ruin our day, we can choose to look at it another way. We can see it as an opportunity to re-frame what happened and experience it in a way that feels better. We make lemonade.

Our coping skillset needs to adjust and adapt throughout the day, every day. That’s why we continually learn and rely on new ways of coping!

This toolbox blog will teach how to take potentially hurtful life experiences and view them from a healthier, more positive perspective. Without healthy coping skills, our perception of the world could become quite negative and cause us to misinterpret accidents and intentions. We could easily become those people who see the drinking glass as “half-empty” rather than “half-full.” That doesn’t sound like an enjoyable way to live, and I’m all for choosing “half-full.”

The great thing about coping skills is that anyone can learn new ones. It’s never too late! New coping techniques can be learned and improved at any age.  In this blog, I’ll refer to coping skills as our “emotional toolbox.” I like that analogy because I like the idea of having equipment or “gear” on board that I can pull out and use any time I need to.

We’ll use our toolboxes every day, all day long. When things get difficult or go wrong, we’ll have tools for handling whatever it is. Having a toolbox will help us handle difficult people, crises, toxic situations, unexpected events, personal and interpersonal problems, conflict, and other life stressors.

Every article in this blog contains a tool or a set of tools. The tools are listed at the end of each post, and you can add them to your own personal toolbox. Practice using them whenever life gives you the opportunity!

Every tool is not for everybody. You don’t have to try every tool and you probably shouldn’t. Just go with your intuition when trying to figure out if a tool might be helpful. Take the ones you’d like to try. Come back for more when you need to.

This is a safe space for learning, growing and helping each other. Please feel free to leave kind and constructive comments or feedback. Share some of the tools you’ve used and thow hey’ve helped you. 🙂

Tools

Learn How to Recognize a Narcissist

Understand the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle

Learn about the Gray Rock technique

Learn to set boundaries 

Learn about dysfunctional family roles

Understand trauma bonds

Learn about codependency and maladaptive coping skills

About the author

As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping and healing strategies. She happily shares those with those who want to learn and grow in their own recovery journies. 

Diane is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer on narcissism, family dysfunction, and abuse. She draws from her personal childhood experiences, as well as her work in human service fields like domestic violence and partner abuse. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.

Her transformational books about healing and moving forward include the highly praised “Lemon Moms” series. This emotionally supportive collection explains narcissistic traits and teaches how to reconcile past hurts to begin self-nurturing, healing, and moving forward.

See what’s new on DianeMetcalf.com

Learn about the Lemon Moms series: Lemon Moms

This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

Codependent people find it easier to remain in one-sided, emotionally hurtful, unsupportive, non-nurturing relationships than non-codependent people do.

Codependency was first identified over a decade ago, the result of years of researching the interpersonal relationships of alcoholics. Codependency is a set of maladaptive coping skills that affect one’s ability to have healthy, mutually satisfying relationships. It can be a learned behavior passed down through generations. Unaddressed, unhealed codependency lends itself nicely to all kinds of unhealthy adult relationships involving alcoholism, substance abuse, and mental illnesses (including narcissism).

The key to healing from this unhealthy way of thinking and behaving is to learn how to identify codependent thoughts and behavior and make the necessary changes. We can’t fix or heal another person, but we CAN control what and how we see the world and think about it. If you’re codependent, start working to heal your codependency.

Tools:

1. Keep it simple: simple solutions are often the most effective. Look at what’s really happening. Stay away from the “what if’s.” Take a rational, gradual approach to solving problems instead of allowing fear or panic to take the lead.
2. Respond rather than react. (Homework: look up the difference and try responding the next time you have the opportunity. See how it feels)
3. “Let go,” emotionally detach. Let go of trying to control things that you cannot control. Let go of people, what they said or didn’t say, what they did or didn’t do. Let go of expectations. Let go of controlling the outcome.
4. Let yourself observe and just be surprised.

Until next time, here’s to all of our continued emotional growth and prosperity!

Diane

As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping and healing strategies. She happily shares those with those who want to learn and grow in their own recovery journies. 

Diane is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer on narcissism, family dysfunction, and abuse. She draws from her personal childhood experiences, as well as her work in human service fields like domestic violence and partner abuse. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.

Her transformational books about healing and moving forward include the highly praised “Lemon Moms” series. This emotionally supportive collection explains narcissistic traits and teaches how to reconcile past hurts to begin self-nurturing, healing, and moving forward.

See what’s new on DianeMetcalf.com

Learn about the Lemon Moms series: Lemon Moms

This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.