Overcoming Isolation and Building Connection
Today’s topic of discussion is isolation, a complex concept that encompasses feelings of loneliness, not belonging, or being ignored or shut out. It can make us feel alone, separated, and disconnected from others, even when we are surrounded by people. The experience of isolation can be likened to a sense of being unplugged, unattached, and always solo. It can make us feel unimportant and insignificant as if we don’t matter to anyone, including ourselves.
Isolation can manifest in various ways, such as intentionally or unintentionally withdrawing from social interactions or not responding when others reach out to us. When we keep our thoughts and feelings to ourselves, we are essentially isolating ourselves and numbing our emotions. This act of isolation can be a way of hiding from reality or denying our own experiences.
Quick Links
The Impact of Childhood Experiences on Isolation
Growing up in a family environment lacking inter-connectedness and effective communication can contribute to feelings of isolation. When we feel ignored or invisible as children, it becomes easy to continue these patterns of relating into adulthood. Consequently, we may allow others to make decisions for us without having our thoughts and feelings considered. We may believe that our voices don’t matter and unknowingly give away our personal power.
The Role of Shame and Secrets in Isolation
According to shame researcher Dr. Brene’ Brown, shame is a deeply impactful emotion that affects various aspects of our lives. It is important to recognize and address our feelings of isolation and shame in order to foster a sense of connection and belonging.
In her book “I thought it was just me (but it isn’t): Making the Journey from ‘What Will People Think?’ to ‘I Am Enough'”, Dr. Brown explores shame as a “silent epidemic” that everyone experiences at some point; it is the painful feeling that we are flawed and unworthy of belonging, and is closely associated with depression, guilt, anxiety, eating disorders, addiction, and violence. She states, “Shame is the most powerful, master emotion. It’s the fear that we’re not good enough.”
Experiencing the effects of someone’s narcissism, alcoholism, addiction, or any other form of toxicity can also lead to shame, resulting in becoming isolated. We avoid discussing these experiences with others due to the shame or embarrassment we feel. Self-criticism and fear of judgment further contribute to our isolation. We may believe that no one will understand our circumstances and we may blame ourselves for them. So, in an attempt to hide our shame and secrets, we end up isolating ourselves.
Breaking the Cycle
By entertaining thoughts of “I don’t belong” or judging ourselves as “not good enough,” we create barriers that separate us from others. This avoidance tactic allows us to hide from ourselves and others. We may choose to distance ourselves physically, mentally, spiritually, or emotionally.
Social withdrawal eventually becomes our norm. We retreat into ourselves, keeping our thoughts and feelings repressed and locked away, refusing to seek help or support. We may push others away, both emotionally and physically. Our interactions with friends and family become less frequent, and we avoid discussing our personal lives. We steer clear of anything that could be triggering or topics that may cause us to be triggered by others. We decline social invitations to avoid the shame or embarrassment we feel about someone’s behavior.
In essence, we are trying to shield ourselves from pain. It is no wonder that isolation feels suffocating and hopeless.
The Power of Thoughts
Did you know that our thinking style plays a significant role in perpetuating isolation? As humans, we possess the ability to engage in closed-thought or open-thought processes.
Open-thought processes are relaxed. When we engage in open thought, there is no rush or pressure because there are no deadlines. We have the freedom to explore our beliefs and ideas without the constraints of time-sensitive outcomes.
For many of us, the absence of a timeline makes us uneasy. Learning to embrace a new way of thinking using open-thought processes can be uncomfortable, and it requires practice to become good at it.
~By isolating, we prolong the pain.~
Most of us goal-oriented folks, are more familiar with closed-thought processes, which are more structured and rigid, because they focus solely on accomplishing a task. When we operate within closed-thought processes, we commonly experience pressure and stress, because there is a deadline or time constraint. Even self-imposed deadlines induce stress.
It is no surprise then that isolation thrives on closed-thought processes.
Breaking free from isolation entails a change in the way we think, building trust, and stepping out of our comfort zones. Sharing our lives with others and embracing vulnerability are the remedies. Dr. Brown emphasizes that vulnerability is about having the courage to show up and be seen, even when we have no control over the outcome. Becoming vulnerable is a risk we must take if we want to feel a genuine connection with others.
If you’re feeling alone or isolated, do one thing that you can do today to start breaking that cycle. It will feel uncomfortable at first, and it will get easier with practice.
Tools
- Self-care: Download the free HALT Guide for Self-care
- Learn about dysfunctional family roles
- Learn about codependency
- Learn coping skills for the holidays and family visits
- Learn why what you tell yourself matters
- Learn why verbal abuse hurts us
- Learn how to protect yourself with boundaries
More Brene’ Brown Quotes:
“When we’re defined by what people think, we lose the courage to be vulnerable. Therefore, we need to be selective about the feedback we let into our lives. For me, if you’re not in the arena also getting your ass kicked, I’m not interested in your feedback.” – Brené Brown
“You either walk inside your story and own it, or you stand outside your story and hustle for your worthiness.” – Brené Brown
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When someone’s vibe feels “icky,” or they have “unusual” personality quirks, would you know if they are genuine warning signs or if you could be in danger?
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Icks, Personality Quirks, or Warning Signs? How to Know the Difference, by Diane Metcalf
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Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism, by Diane Metcalf
For as long as I can remember, there was something “different” about my mother. She wasn’t like other mothers.
My mom didn’t hug or kiss, smile at, spend time with, or play with me. She never seemed happy to see me. She didn’t ask about my school day and wasn’t interested in knowing my friends. She seemed to have no interest in me or anything that I did. My mom called me hurtful names and obscenities, and at times, she ignored me, not speaking to me for days, weeks, or even months. When she felt sad I was expected to emotionally care-take her. When she didn’t feel like parenting, I was responsible for my siblings. When she lost her temper she hit. When I was disobedient, there were bizarre punishments.
I was not allowed to express feelings, ask questions, or show initiative or curiosity. My feelings were discounted, minimized, or invalidated. She re-wrote my memories, and I was expected to believe her version. I was to obey, stay quiet, and not question.
If any of this sounds familiar, you are not alone. If there is manipulation, power struggles, or cruelty in your relationship, this book can help. If you second-guess your memory, doubt your judgment or sanity, or continually seek your mother’s withheld affection, attention, approval, or love, this book can explain why.
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About the Author
Drawing from her personal experiences of growing up in a dysfunctional household, Diane Metcalf has developed effective coping and healing strategies. With the assistance of professional therapists and mindful personal growth, she has honed her skills and now happily shares them with others who are interested in learning and growing.
As an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer, Diane is well-versed in topics such as narcissism, family dysfunction, abuse, and recognizing warning signs. Her extensive knowledge is drawn not only from her personal experiences, but also from her work in human service fields, including domestic violence, partner abuse, and court advocacy. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.
Diane’s transformational books on healing and personal growth, such as the highly acclaimed “Lemon Moms” series, offer emotional support and guidance in understanding narcissistic traits and healing past wounds. Her approach emphasizes self-awareness, intention, self-care, and establishing healthy boundaries as essential components in the healing process.
Learn more about the Lemon Moms series: Lemon Moms
See what’s happening on DianeMetcalf.com
This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.
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