Strategies for Family Get-togethers
I recently talked about a particular “family events coping strategy” that I learned thirty years ago and still use because it works for me. Here it is: when I attend family gatherings, especially those involving emotionally “high stakes” situations, I pretend I am an anthropologist.
Anthropologists study the origin, development, and behavior of human beings, and they examine various cultures all over the world. So, as a pretend anthropologist myself, I treat the gathering I’m attending as my own little “expedition!” I imagine I’ve discovered a new culture, and this particular group is very interesting indeed.
Because I’m an “anthropologist,” I’m required to observe from afar and not interfere with their interactions. Since I’m interested in how they live and interact, I also look at how they speak to one another and behave around each other. I observe how they treat each other, and I study their words, body language, emotional and physical reactions, and responses.
How do I do this without getting involved in what they’re doing, you ask?
Here’s the secret:
Quick Document Links:
I do not get emotionally involved. I detach.
Watch and Learn
As a pretend anthropologist, my job is to study their behavior and how they live, interact, cooperate, and handle conflict. To do my job correctly, I must not engage. And I definitely must not allow myself to be drawn into any conflicts or irrational behavior. I stay emotionally and positively detached solely by observing. I make mental notes like, “That was a strange thing to do,” or “I wonder why he said THAT?” or “Wow, that reaction made no sense!” and so on. Later, I’ll journal about it (or talk with someone I trust) to potentially gain understanding, insight, and perspective.
Remain Detached
In the same spirit of observing and staying uninvolved, a friend recently shared a little game that she and another aware family member play at their family gatherings. It’s called I SPOT DYSFUNCTION BINGO, and it’s an awesome coping tool.
Before the gathering, the two of them decide what behaviors will be in their game. They include things like “Johnny does his disappearing act,” “Mother promotes her victimhood,” “Sister Sally whips up drama,” “Brother Bill gets high,” “Cousin Nicky loses her temper,” “Dad makes someone cry,” and “Aunt Mary gets drunk.” They quietly keep tabs on the unfolding events and secretly acknowledge when one of them has noticed five of the target behaviors and gets a BINGO.
What a healthy way to remain aware yet emotionally detached while also receiving validation! I’m definitely keeping this one in my arsenal of coping strategies.
As with this or any coping tool you use, celebrate your insights about maladaptive behavior, whether it’s yours or someone else’s, and the clarity your insights bring. Acknowledge what you’ve learned AND HOW YOU CAN APPLY IT in the future. That’s called PROGRESS!
More tools for healing:
Learn about dysfunctional family roles
Learn about codependency
Learn how to protect yourself with boundaries
Learn about the narcissistic abuse cycle
Learn about Narcissism Awareness Grief
Learn how to use positive detachment
Learn why uncommunicated expectations can be harmful
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For as long as I can remember, there was something “different” about my mother. She wasn’t like other mothers.
My mom didn’t hug or kiss, smile at, spend time with, or play with me. She never seemed happy to see me. She didn’t ask about my school day and wasn’t interested in knowing my friends. She seemed to have no interest in me or anything that I did. My mom called me hurtful names and obscenities, and at times, she ignored me, not speaking to me for days, weeks, or even months. When she felt sad I was expected to emotionally care-take her. When she didn’t feel like parenting, I was responsible for my siblings. When she lost her temper she hit. When I was disobedient, there were bizarre punishments.
I was not allowed to express feelings, ask questions, or show initiative or curiosity. My feelings were discounted, minimized, or invalidated. She re-wrote my memories, and I was expected to believe her version. I was to obey, stay quiet, and not question.
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About the Author
Drawing from her personal experiences of growing up in a dysfunctional household, Diane Metcalf has developed effective coping and healing strategies. With the assistance of professional therapists and mindful personal growth, she has honed her skills and now happily shares them with others who are interested in learning and growing.
As an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer, Diane is well-versed in topics such as narcissism, family dysfunction, abuse, and recognizing warning signs. Her extensive knowledge is drawn not only from her personal experiences, but also from her work in human service fields, including domestic violence, partner abuse, and court advocacy. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and a Master of Science in Information Technology.
Diane’s transformational books on healing and personal growth, such as the highly acclaimed “Lemon Moms” series, offer emotional support and guidance in understanding narcissistic traits and healing past wounds. Her approach emphasizes self-awareness, intention, self-care, and establishing healthy boundaries as essential components in the healing process.
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This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.
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