Covert narcissists (crave admiration and importance, and lack empathy, but are less “obvious,” and harder to spot as a narcissist) get their supply mainly from being rescued or emotionally care-taken, and in the case of narcissistic mothers, by their children. Taking care of a covert narcissist’s needs will be number one on their priority list. If you question them, they’ll assume you’re challenging them, and will become defensive, maybe violent. Narcissists don’t respect your boundaries or your privacy. For example, a narcissist would be totally at ease going into your personal space, looking in your purse, reading your journal, listening to your phone conversations, reading private mail and documents, and sharing your personal and private information with others. (Because of this, you’d feel a sense of shame in multiple areas, but you won’t realize that these behaviors are it’s source.)

A narcissist likes knowing we are hurt when they use the “silent treatment” to actively ignore us, as a form of power and control. Our pain demonstrates that they are so powerful they can devastate us whenever they choose. Our pain is their narcissistic supply.

Remember, narcissists don’t view people as unique individuals with their own needs, feelings, goals, or lives. To narcissists, people are simply props who play a supporting role in their lives. A narcissist’s only concern is what they can get from others or what others can do for them. They have difficulty emotionally bonding with others because their relationships are all about power, control, and the benefits that they can obtain from them.

A narcissist cannot survive as a narcissist without narcissistic supply. It’s their emotional food; any form of attention, affirmation, approval, or admiration they get will suffice. They feel a sense of power and importance from any emotional reaction. Any emotion—fear, sadness, anger, shame, whatever—will do, because it feeds their “false self” (everything the narcissist would like to be, but is not) and makes it stronger.

Why do they need supply?

Securing narcissistic supply keeps a narcissist’s false self working in an automatic cycle: project the false self, receive the supply, empower and strengthen the false self, repeat.

The cycle repeats itself because it provides feelings of power, control, and importance. Narcissists thrive on these, feeling formidable, even omnipotent after getting supply. This leads to a “narcissistic high,” which potentially makes them more dangerous. You won’t be permitted to share your thoughts or feelings when your narcissist is on a high. They won’t take any challenge lightly and will go for your jugular to prove their supremacy. They’re not interested in what you have to say or how you feel. It’s all about them.

After going through this cycle with a narcissist a few times, we get it. We understand that they’re more powerful than we are—that it’s always about “winning,” and they’ll be delighted to win at our expense. In their mind, they’re always right, and there’s no use trying to have a conversation or share an opinion because they’ll become combative. Eventually, we’ll likely end up feeling defeated, unloved, and insignificant. We’ll learn to walk on eggshells and to appease, please, and pacify. We’ll anticipate their needs and moods and act accordingly. Do you remember what that’s called? Yep! Codependency.

A narcissist usually reveals their true self during a time of crisis, conflict, or high stress. When they’re pressured, and it’s hard for them to control their emotions, their lack of empathy is exposed. When they feel threatened, they go for the “win” at any cost, even if it threatens important relationships. What’s said or done won’t matter. Winning matters. High-pressure situations show how shallow their emotional connections are. Our shame, humiliation, and embarrassment are their narcissistic supply.

How to deny them any supply

A tool that I use when it comes to denying a narcissist their supply, alongside (loving) detachment, is responding calmly then shutting up.

“Not responding”(aka “shutting up,” or “not taking the bait”) works because it removes the possibility of giving emotional feedback and responses. Emotionally responding is a form of “narcissistic supply.” Giving a narcissist any amount of emotional response validates and affirms their perspective and behavior. They thrive on any and all interaction and attention, especially when you become emotionally unhinged during the interaction. Narcissistic supply makes a narcissist a stronger narcissist.

If my narcissistic mother (or anyone) pushes my buttons in an attempt to trigger an emotional response from me, I do not take the bait, I do not pick up the proffered tug-of-war rope, and my mouth remains shut. I deny them any narcissistic supply. I do this consistently and repeatedly because it indicates that I’m OK with whatever they think or do. I will not react. (This takes PRACTICE! Take advantage of any opportunity they give you to practice this. It helps YOU!) The reaction is what they’re looking for, hoping for, waiting for. The reaction is their narcissistic supply.

As I said earlier, not engaging, not defending, not arguing back, requires mindfulness and practice, and it’s worth the time and effort to learn how to do this. Knowing how to control your responses, also known as “regulating your emotions” is also part of the process for learning how to “lovingly detach” and also to maintain your boundaries.

As you may know, having a conversation with a narcissist feels like a game of emotional tug-of-war. When you drop your end of the rope, the game stops. It can’t continue unless you pick up your end and start pulling again. So, stop playing the game! You don’t have to explain that you’re no longer playing or why. Your actions speak loud and clear: when you drop the rope, you’re demonstrating that they have no more control over you. Dropping the rope is an aspect of loving detachment, enforcing a boundary, and demonstrating self-empowerment and self-love. If you haven’t tried it, I can tell you from experience that it’s very empowering.

Detaching with love (versus “angry” or “middle-finger” detaching) and not giving emotional supply to a narcissist means that I simply listen. I don’t rush in to fix problems or rescue them from the consequences of their choices or actions. If we disagree, I don’t argue or try to change their mind; I state my opinion, and I accept that they are entitled to have their own opinion. We don’t have to agree. I don’t steal their personal power, and I leave them the dignity to deal with their own problems and consequences. If they instigate, I don’t pick up the tug-of-war rope; instead, I might end our conversation. All of this means that I emotionally disconnect when they’re baiting or instigating and trying to get a reaction from me.

Be a rock… a gray rock

“Gray Rock” is a term coined in 2012 by Skylar, a blogger who wrote the article, “The Gray Rock Method of Dealing with Psychopaths” (2018).

 If you’ve never tried the “Gray Rock” method, you’re missing out on a really effective tool.

Gray Rock is a technique that causes emotionally unbalanced people to lose interest in you. The method completely removes any emotional charge or drama from your interaction with them. When you use Gray Rock, it removes all narcissistic supply.

To use the Gray Rock method:

• Appear calm, even if you’re not.
• Maintain eye contact. Do not look down or away.
• Use the following responses when applicable:
  • I’m sorry you feel that way.
  • I welcome your opinion, but I feel good about my choice.
  • I have no right to try to control how you see me.
  • I accept how you see me.
  • I accept how you feel.
  • You’re entitled to your reality.
  • Your anger is not my responsibility.
  • It’s possible. I guess it could be true.
  • I’d like to continue this discussion, but it seems that we don’t share the same perspective. Maybe when you’re calm, we can resume this conversation in a mutually respectful way. (This is an example of enforcing a boundary as well.)

In a nutshell

These three approaches focus on letting the narcissist run their own life and solve their own problems while you take care of yours, your life and yourself. Learn to let go of the desire to control the narcissist and the outcomes of your interactions with them. Focus on the next best thing for you.

Start taking these steps today to deny your narcissist their emotional food. When they realize that you are no longer a satisfying source of supply, they’ll look for it elsewhere.

Try using your new tools as soon as possible:  

1. loving detachment
2. not responding, not engaging, not picking up your end of the tug-of-war rope
3. the Gray Rock technique

You’ll begin to experience a new type of freedom that’s hard to describe!

More tools for healing:

Conscious awareness:  Be aware and make conscious choices before acting. Self-awareness releases us from making impulsive and potentially damaging decisions. Practice mindfulness.

Learn about setting boundaries 

Learn about dysfunctional family roles

Understand Trauma Bonds

Learn about codependency and maladaptive coping skills

Understand the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle

Learn about expectations

Lemon Moms: Resources to guide you in healing from childhood trauma, abuse or neglect. Available on Amazon and wherever books are sold. (Kindle, Audiobook and paperback format.)

Like these posts? Want more? Sign up to receive new posts every other Friday!

About the author

As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf has developed strong coping skills and healing strategies. She happily shares those insights with others who want to learn and recover. 

Her books and articles are the results of her education, knowledge, and personal insight regarding her own abusive experiences and subsequent recovery work. She is no longer a practicing Social Worker, Counselor, Program Manager or Advocate, nor is she or has she ever been a licensed psychologist.

Diane is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer on the topics of domestic violence, abuse, and family dysfunction. Currently, she writes about toxic relationships and recovery tools. Diane holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and has worked in numerous fields, including domestic violence and abuse. She also holds a Master of Science degree in Information Technology.

Currently, Diane runs her own website design company, Image and Aspect, and writes articles and tutorials for Tips and Snips, her inspirational blog for creative people. She continues to learn and write about Emotional Healing.

This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

How are Trauma Bonds Created?

Trauma bonds are created in several ways:

Love bombing: The love bombing dynamic occurs when a narcissist, including narcissistic mothers, unexpectedly showers you with love, attention, kindness, or affection. Love bombing comes in various forms—gift-giving, forgiveness for past “offenses,” anything that makes you feel validated or special. Love bombing helps form a trauma bond because it’s a form of intermittent reinforcement: you never know when it will happen.

Verbal abuse: Shouting, name-calling, sarcastic comments, character assassination, backhanded compliments, insults, demeaning remarks, “put-downs” and shaming are some examples of verbal abuse. The abuse happens on an irregular schedule, so it’s a form of intermittent reinforcement (spoken cruelty interspersed with periods of civility and kindness.) The resulting shame causes a trauma bond.

Positive reinforcement: Although it sounds healthy, positive reinforcement can also create trauma bonds. When a person, (including children) is rewarded for doing something they didn’t want to do, or obeying without question, there’s a trauma bond created. Healthy relationships don’t require rewards.

Victim blaming: When a narcissist blames their target (or the narcissist mother blames her child) for the cruelty inflicted upon them, they will likely believe they deserve it, because they’ve been conditioned to. This belief establishes a trauma bond.

Silent treatment: When a narcissist purposefully ignores you, that causes feelings of helpless, anxiety, and fear of abandonment. Having no control over the situation, you’ll focus on the narcissist and wait for their acceptance, however long it takes.

“Moving goalposts” (aka changing the goal): Narcissists often redefine or change their expectations, sometimes several times, during any interaction. Doing this ensures a frustrating encounter for those involved. A narcissist, (including narcissist mothers) is never satisfied, and keeping you emotionally invested in their happiness creates trauma bonds.

If you struggle with narcissistic abuse syndrome you’ll often doubt your self-worth and sanity. Targets of narcissistic abuse tend to focus on their faults, failures, and inadequacies, whether they’re real or not. Sometimes these “deficiencies” began as an idea expressed by the vocal narcissist.

There are several symptoms of narcissistic abuse syndrome. Many of these are the same as those of complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD,) which affects people who’ve experienced serious traumas.

Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome symptoms include:

• Accepting an imbalanced sense of responsibility
• Intrusive, or unwanted thoughts
• Unhealed triggers (physical and emotional responses to similar past traumatic situations)
• Flashbacks or nightmares where the target emotionally re-lives a traumatic experience
• Avoiding people, places or conditions linked to the narcissist or the traumatic event
• Feeling isolated, abandoned, or detached
• Feeling alert or hyper-vigilant, or easily startled (“fight or flight”)
• Negative thoughts about self and world
• Insecurity
• Shame
• Accepting misplaced blame
• Difficulty concentrating or sleeping
• Depression
• Self-destructive behaviors
• Involvement in abusive romantic relationships
• Lost trust in family or friends
• Feeling worthless or unworthy
• Lost sense of self
• Holding the narcissist in high esteem
• Doubting their judgment and decision-making skills
• Ignoring their own needs
• Devaluing or minimizing their contributions to relationships
• Making excuses for a narcissist’s behavior
• Continually trying to please the narcissist
• Attachment issues
• Weak boundaries
• Addictions
• Anxiety
• Perfectionism

If you constantly wonder about your narcissist’s emotional state, for example, what will he/she be like today? Should you try to avoid them? Or do you you frequently-

• think about what you could be (or should be) doing differently to please them?
• believe your relationship problems are all your fault?
• deal with mood swings, lost sleep, anxiety, apprehension?

These are all symptoms of Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome, and if you have any of them you may also have trauma bonds. The good news is that you can detach from the abuse and heal. Keep learning and doing the work.

Tools for healing:

Learn about setting boundaries 

Learn about codependency and maladaptive coping skills

Understand the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle

Learn how to stop being a source of narcissistic supply

Learn about dysfunctional family roles

Try Expressive Writing

Lemon Moms: Resources to guide you in healing from childhood trauma, abuse or neglect. Available on Amazon and wherever books are sold. (Kindle, Audiobook and paperback format.)

Like these articles? Want more?

Sign up to receive new blog posts every other Friday!

About the author

As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf has developed strong coping skills and healing strategies. She happily shares those insights with others who want to learn and recover. 

Her books and articles are the results of her education, knowledge, and personal insight regarding her own abusive experiences and subsequent recovery work. She is no longer a practicing Social Worker, Counselor, Program Manager or Advocate, nor is she or has she ever been a licensed psychologist.

Diane is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer on the topics of domestic violence, abuse, and family dysfunction. Currently, she writes about toxic relationships and recovery tools. Diane holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and has worked in numerous fields, including domestic violence and abuse. She also holds a Master of Science degree in Information Technology.

Currently, Diane runs her own website design company, Image and Aspect, and writes articles and tutorials for Tips and Snips, her inspirational blog for creative people. She continues to learn and write about Emotional Healing.

This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

The Golden Child: The Golden Child’s role is to bring positive attention to the mother and the family. They are the favorite, and as such, may have a special status and receive more attention and praise. They’re the ones that get bragged about. They make the narcissistic mom look great as a mother. Even so, she will always take some credit for their accomplishments. When they walk into the room, mom’s focus is on them. Golden Children may grow up to be adults who are compulsive overachievers or perfectionists who feel a loss of identity and have low self-esteem.

“Forms of idealizing include praise, attention, and bragging. Types of devaluing include criticizing, blaming, shaming, lying about, lying to, intentionally frightening, projecting, and gaslighting.”

The Invisible Child (aka Lost Child): TheInvisible Child “stays under the radar,” to follow the rules unquestioningly, be quiet, and easy-going. Invisible Children are often taken for granted, and their needs are neglected because they never complain or ask for anything. Invisible Children may internalize a sense of having no impact on others, or their input not mattering. They may grow up to feel insignificant and inconsequential because their sense of identity has not fully developed (Stines, 2018).

The Scapegoat: The Scapegoat’s role is to bear the blame for all of the family’s problems. They are the butt of jokes and get less of everything than the other siblings. They are seen as the problem child. Scapegoats often grow up to become the ones who speak up and challenge the dysfunction. They’re the ones telling the truth about what’s going on in the family and will act out the frustration, anger, and feelings of the entire family (Cole 2019).

When we suddenly and unexpectedly become the Scapegoat, it leaves us wondering what the heck just happened. Was it something I said (or didn’t mention or was supposed to mention)? Was it something I did (or didn’t do or did but not correctly)? If not me, then who or what was it? Was it another family member? A friend? Her boss? The traffic? Did something happen at work? Was it the weather? Maybe it was a coworker. Or her supervisor. Perhaps it was the cat? Or something she got (or didn’t get) in the mail?

When I found myself in the Scapegoat position, I could literally spend hours trying to figure out why. I wanted and needed to fix it, or at least to understand what had so hugely affected my position within the family. I wanted to attempt to control it and not let it happen again.

A sudden change in family positions is upsetting. These random role reversals affect our sense of observation, decision-making, and self-trust because we never know if the explanation we’re giving ourselves is accurate. And we’re continuously guessing our current standing within the family. And if we’re the Golden Child, we’re also appeasing and pleasing our mom because we don’t want to lose that privilege.

“Narcissistic mothers revel in generating competition between their children and emotionally distancing them from one another.”

Living with a narcissistic mother has been described as “living in a war zone.” Those of us who’ve lived under those circumstances were usually on high alert, in fight-or-flight survival mode, because we had no idea when the next attack or role reversal would happen. It meant we were continuously producing stress hormones like adrenaline and cortisol, so it was a common occurrence to feel confused or experience scattered thinking, have difficulty making decisions, or remember. Eventually, we became emotionally and physically exhausted.

There are other subtle ways that narcissistic mothers attempt to control or manipulate their children:

• Belittling, criticizing, and name-calling
• Patronizing and being condescending
• Publicly or privately embarrassing their children
• Threatening their children in some way
• Ordering their children to do things, taking away their choices
• Controlling money or access to it
• Monitoring and controlling whereabouts
• Exhibiting scary, emotional outbursts
• Acting on jealousy
• Using manipulative or guilt-inducing ploys
• Isolating children from friends, family members, or social connections
• Being indifferent to her children’s needs
• Denying or trivializing feelings

Any combination of these behaviors can result in lowering or destroying a child’s self-esteem and cause them to feel unnecessary fear and shame (McBride 2018).

Why It Happens

Because narcissistic mothers are so controlling, they need to have reasons that explain undesirable happenings, and they insist on having a person to hold accountable. This phenomenon is known as scapegoating.

When a narcissistic mom protects her ego from her own unlikeable qualities, she “projects” them onto the Scapegoat child. There is a risk of neglect, maltreatment, abuse, blame, shame, or even physical violence to these children as a result. She’ll play a game of “whose fault is it? I know it’s not mine” (Brenner et al. 2018). The scapegoating practice happens in dysfunctional families, with the role of the scapegoat being either temporary or permanent. The scapegoat is the “fall guy,” the person who gets blamed for offenses and injustices that happen to anyone in the family. Family members, except for the narcissistic mom, often take turns playing the scapegoat role, and at any given time, the mom determines who the scapegoat is.

Tactics like scapegoating are all attempts of the mother to maintain control. When a narcissistic mom feels like she’s losing control over her kids, she will often lash out in vengeful ways, subtly or with direct hostility. Narcissistic mothers are highly reactive to any threat or challenge to their power. They have a sense of entitlement, ownership, and possession of their kids.

More Manipulative Tactics

There is a multitude of ways that a narcissistic mother can emotionally injure her children. I believe these behaviors are the result of other, often unrelated issues, such as:

1. She’s not articulate or doesn’t have a strong vocabulary, so she’s not able to accurately express or describe what she’s thinking or feeling.
2. She doesn’t know how to identify her emotions.
3. She hasn’t had an emotionally healthy upbringing, or she hasn’t witnessed emotionally healthy relationships.
4. She’s emotionally immature and can’t regulate her emotions.
5. She hasn’t personally experienced or learned strong parenting skills.

Narcissistic mothers manipulate and control their children in a variety of ways:

• Withholding affection, affirmation, validation, attention, encouragement, praise, and other self-esteem building behaviors
• Exhibiting intense and scary displays of emotion and drama (“narcissistic rages”)
• Verbally abusing them with insults, criticism, and name-calling
• Threatening violence (may or may not be carried out)
• Maintaining a victim mentality
• Rejection
• Lying
• Giving the “silent treatment” as a form of punishment
• Exercising a “selective memory”
• Gaslighting to control perceptions and memories

I’m personally familiar with all of these tactics. Gaslighting is the one that harmed me the most. It’s an extremely emotionally and mentally destructive form of manipulation.

Even though most of the above-listed behaviors are not physically hurtful, each one can activate the pain centers in the human brain. Research in the field of neuroscience shows us that even perceived rejection activates the area of the brain where pain is felt (Eisenberger et al. 2004). The point is that verbal abuse, threats, rejection, and other forms of emotional mistreatment do hurt us.

“Stirring the Pot” (Triangulation)

A narcissistic mother revels in generating competition between her children and emotionally distancing them from one another. These moms enjoy creating distrust, doubt, insecurity, competition, and resentment between siblings. As I’ve mentioned, this is called triangulation. It’s also a manipulative tactic, used to control information or interactions between individuals.

A therapist once suggested that triangulation was a form of entertainment for my mom. She liked creating drama. She’d stir up trouble, then sit back and enjoy the show. For example, my mom would say one thing to me, putting a specific person in a negative light, and then she’d provide a slightly different version, with me as the “bad guy,” to the other person. When we sensed that something negative was happening between us, but not of our own doing, the other person and I began communicating directly with each other. We compared the different versions of my mother’s stories and soon came to realize that we were being manipulated seemingly for my mother’s amusement. I informed my mother that we were aware of what she was doing. Of course, she flipped the scenario, instantly becoming the innocent victim, but the triangulation stopped pretty much immediately.

More on Triangulation later.

Tools for healing:

Conscious awareness:  Be aware and make conscious choices before acting. Self-awareness releases us from making impulsive and potentially damaging decisions. Practice mindfulness.

Understand the Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse

Learn about setting boundaries 

Learn about codependency and maladaptive coping skills

Learn about Narcissism Awareness Grief

Lemon Moms: Resources to guide you in healing from childhood trauma, abuse or neglect. Available on Amazon and wherever books are sold. (Kindle, Audiobook and paperback format.)

About the author

As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf has developed strong coping skills and healing strategies. She happily shares those insights with others who want to learn and recover. 

Her books and articles are the results of her education, knowledge, and personal insight regarding her own abusive experiences and subsequent recovery work. She is no longer a practicing Social Worker, Counselor, Program Manager or Advocate, nor is she or has she ever been a licensed psychologist.

Diane is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer on the topics of domestic violence, abuse, and family dysfunction. Currently, she writes about toxic relationships and recovery tools. Diane holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and has worked in numerous fields, including domestic violence and abuse. She also holds a Master of Science degree in Information Technology.

Currently, Diane runs her own website design company, Image and Aspect, and writes articles and tutorials for Tips and Snips, her inspirational blog for creative people. She continues to learn and write about Emotional Healing.

This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

The following diagram is based on Walker’s Cycle of Abuse.

(Walker, L.E.,1979)

The first phase is the “Tension Building” period. In it, the target senses growing strain in the relationship, and becomes anxious, highly alert, and guarded. There is an unshakeable feeling that there will be an abusive incident soon. Hence, the target attempts to control the environment to keep the abuser happy and calm.

In phase two, the abusive incident occurs. The abuse may be physical, mental, spiritual, emotional, verbal, or financial. Examples include name-calling, gaslighting, threats, intimidation, angry outbursts, arguing, blaming, and withholding love, affection, and attention.

The third phase is the “Remorse” period. In this phase, the abuser apologizes, makes excuses, and promises that the abuse will never happen again. The target is showered with love, affection, and attention, and sometimes offered gifts and tokens of affection as indicators of sorrow.

The “Honeymoon” is the fourth phase. There is a period of calm in the relationship while the abuser attempts to make the target feel loved, safe, and secure. The Honeymoon will continue for an undetermined amount of time, the length of which may change with every cycle.

This entire cycle will continuously repeat, often over years, until it is intentionally interrupted by one of the two participants. One way of interrupting the cycle is for the target to leave the relationship.

When a narcissist is involved in the cycle of abuse, it plays out differently. The “Remorse” phase is not present in the narcissistic abuse cycle because narcissists are unwilling to accept responsibility and would instead place the blame on their target.

Remember, narcissists need to feel superior and “right” in every situation. This, combined with their lack of empathy, means that they don’t experience feelings of remorse. Remorsefulness requires empathy, sympathy, and taking responsibility for our actions (Hammond 2018). So, the narcissistic cycle of abuse differs significantly from Walker’s cycle of abuse in this phase.

The Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse

Here is what the cycle of abuse looks like when a narcissist is the offender. This diagram is based on Christine Hammond’s “Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse.”

(Hammond, C. 2018)

How the Phases Are Different

In phase one, a Narcissistic Injury occurs. The abuser feels rejected, threatened, jealous, abandoned, disrespected, or any feeling that challenges their superiority. The target feels anxious and tries to appease and please the narcissist, much like in phase one of Walker’s Cycle of Abuse.

As in Walker’s Cycle of Abuse, phase two is also an Abusive Incident, which could be physical, mental, spiritual, emotional, verbal, or financial. Examples include name-calling, gaslighting, threats, intimidation, angry outbursts, arguing, blaming, withholding love, affection, and attention.

Phase three is completely different in the Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse. When the cycle involves a narcissist, the roles in the Remorse stage are reversed. Now the narcissist will play the part of the abused/victim, and the target will apologize and appease. What eventually happens in the fourth phase is that narcissistic behaviors become stronger, and the abuse cycle repeats until someone intentionally breaks the cycle. To break it, the target needs to change their behavior by not accepting the role reversal. In other words, the target will no longer take the blame or accept the role of the abuser.

Subtleties of Abuse: Golden, Invisible and Scapegoat

As I’ve mentioned in the book “Lemon Moms,” there’s a particularly dysfunctional family dynamic in which one of the children of a narcissistic (or alcoholic, dysfunctional, mentally ill) parent becomes the “idealized” parental favorite, known as the “Golden Child.” The other children will take turns being devalued and blamed, known as the “Invisible Child” and the “Scapegoat. The dysfunctional parent controls these roles.

The roles of the Golden Child, Invisible Child, and Scapegoat are flexible; any role can be assigned to any child at any time, depending on the parent’s mood. It’s a “crazy-making” situation because the toxic parent has the unchallenged power to change the entire family dynamic unpredictably. The children are caught unaware and unprepared.

The Golden Child: The Golden Child’s role is to bring positive attention to the the toxic or narcissistic parent and the family. The Golden Child is the favorite, and as such, may have a special status and receive more attention and praise. They’re the ones that get bragged about. They make the dysfunctional parent look good. Even so, the parent will always take some credit for their children’s accomplishments.

The Invisible Child (aka Lost Child): The role of the Invisible Child is to “stay under the radar,” to follow the rules unquestioningly, be quiet, and easy-going. Invisible Children are often taken for granted, and their needs are neglected because they never complain or ask for anything. Invisible Children may internalize a sense of having no impact on others.

The Scapegoat: The Scapegoat’s role is to bear the blame for all of the family’s problems. They are the butt of jokes and get less of everything than the other siblings. They are seen as the problem child. Scapegoats often grow up to become the ones who speak up and challenge the dysfunction.

A sudden change in family positions is upsetting. These random role reversals affect our sense of observation, decision-making, and self-trust because we never know if the explanation we’re giving ourselves is accurate. And we’re continuously guessing our current standing within the family.

Those of us who’ve lived under those circumstances were usually on high alert, in fight-or-flight survival mode, because we had no idea when the next attack or role reversal would happen. It meant we were continuously producing stress hormones like adrenaline and cortisol, so it was a common occurrence to feel confused or experience scattered thinking.

Living under these circumstances can result in destroying a child’s self-esteem and cause them to feel unnecessary fear and shame.

Tools for healing:

Learn more about Dysfunctional Roles: Golden, Invisible and Scapegoat

Learn about expectations

Learn about setting boundaries 

Learn about codependency and maladaptive coping skills

Take the Adverse Childhood Experiences quiz

Learn about Narcissism Awareness Grief

Self-care: We can only choose to focus on and be responsible for ourselves, our own thoughts, actions, and behavior. We can take responsibility for getting our needs met, instead of waiting for someone to change or meet our needs for us. We are in control of ourselves and no one is responsible for us but us. We can change ourselves with patience, persistence, and practice.

Conscious awareness:  Be aware and make conscious choices before acting. Self-awareness releases us from making impulsive and potentially damaging decisions. Practice mindfulness.

Learn about letting go of what you can’t control, by using loving-detachment

Lemon Moms: Resources to guide you in healing from childhood trauma, abuse or neglect. Available on Amazon and wherever books are sold. (Kindle, Audiobook and paperback format.)

About the author

Diane Metcalf is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer on the topics of domestic violence, abuse, and family dysfunction. Currently, she writes about toxic relationships and recovery tools. Diane holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and has worked in numerous fields, including domestic violence and abuse. She also holds a Master of Science degree in Information Technology.

As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, she has developed strong coping skills and healing strategies. She happily shares those insights with others who want to learn and recover. 

Her books and articles are the results of her education, knowledge, and personal insight regarding her own abusive experiences and subsequent recovery work. She is no longer a practicing Social Worker, Counselor, Program Manager or Advocate, nor is she or has she ever been a licensed psychologist.

Currently, Diane runs her own website design company, Image and Aspect, and writes articles and tutorials for Tips and Snips, her inspirational blog for creative people. She continues to learn and write about Emotional Healing.

This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

What’s going on here?

When we stop and take a closer look, anger can provide us with important information. When you understand what is triggering your anger, you can heal those triggers. When your triggers are healed, you’ll be able to feel angry without over-reacting. You’ll be able to feel angry and still be in control of what you say and do. Learning to control anger and its triggers are a step in learning “emotional regulation,” something that you may not have gotten a chance to do as a child.

Anger is actually a secondary emotion. When you get angry, it feels like it’s the first and only emotion you feel, but that’s not what’s really happening. What actually happens is that you feel something else first, before the anger, and THAT emotion is what triggers the anger. In all likelihood, you have a memory or experience an event, and your mind interprets it so quickly that you don’t even notice it, but you feel something. That “something” triggers the anger.

“Emotions” are feelings that have thoughts connected to them. Understanding this, you will see the importance of your interpretation of that first fleeting feeling (and trigger) that ignites the anger. It’s that first thought, that interpretation which gives meaning to the event or memory and sparks the anger.

For those of us healing from the effects of someone’s probable or diagnosed narcissism, or chronic toxicity, our anger is most likely associated with painful past experiences. If you haven’t dealt with those traumatic experiences, your anger will be triggered more easily. You may feel angry much of the time.

Feeling anger is also a way of protecting ourselves. Have you ever thought of that? Sometimes we use anger to keep others at a distance so we don’t get hurt again. This can become an internal conflict: we don’t want to feel angry, but we don’t want to be hurt again either.

In my childhood family of origin, the rules were that it was OK for my mother to openly display anger at whomever she chose, for any reason, but I was not allowed to express anger without risking punishment. If we grew up with a mother who was intolerant of anyone’s anger but her own, then as adults we have some specific challenges that need to be dealt with. If we were not allowed to express all of our emotions, including anger, because they were judged or punished, we may have learned that anger is bad, frightening, useless, unfair, should be avoided, denied, or held inside.

When you grow up believing these things about anger and enter adulthood holding these beliefs, you’ll likely behave in ways that demonstrate that you believe your anger is useless or irrelevant (victimhood), or you may not know how to express anger in a healthy manner. You may even feel guilty for having angry feelings. Guilt on top of anger. Great!

These are aspects of “Childhood Emotional Neglect,” which occurs when parents don’t notice, respond to, or validate their child’s feelings, including anger.

Essentially, if we’ve been emotionally neglected, we’ll have no coping mechanisms for dealing with anger, and we may become passive-aggressive. (This means that we’ll act out our anger by doing things that don’t look like they’re done in anger but are the result of feeling angry. Passive aggression includes behaviors like: making intentional “mistakes,” procrastinating something that’s important to someone else, disguising criticism as compliments, feeling resentful, sabotaging, ignoring, slamming and banging objects, and saying “nothing’s wrong” when your behavior or body language clearly says there is.

Let’s unpack it

Our reactions are what’s important, not the memory or event itself. A memory or an event doesn’t really have any meaning until we give it one. Think about that.  

We give the memory or event a meaning with our interpretation of it. We interpret memories and events so that we know how to think about and deal with them. And while you’re interpreting, you’re also making judgments (whether you’re conscious of it or not) about whether that memory or event is “good,” “bad,” or “neutral.” That decision is based on how you’re emotionally feeling at the time.  Here’s an example I use in the book “Lemon Moms”:

Can the weather cause you to feel an emotion? If you’re inside today, cozy and warm, with nothing planned, and it begins to storm, do you feel any emotion about it? What emotion would you feel? Would others feel the same way about it as you do? Why or why not? If you’re getting married today, and it begins to rain, you’ll probably experience some feelings about it that might be different than how you’d usually feel about rain. You might be disappointed, angry, or sad. What else might you feel? Is the rain causing those feelings, or is your interpretation of it causing your feelings? Do you see the difference?

If you’re a farmer, anticipating the end of a long, detrimental drought, you’d probably be ecstatically happy about the rain. It would mean that you wouldn’t lose your crops, and you’d have some income to pay your bills, replenish your supplies, and pay your employees.

In each example, the meaning, or “interpretation” given to “rain” is very different, and the resulting emotions will align with that meaning.

If I ask ten people about how they feel about it the next time it rains, I’d get ten different answers. That’s important to remember. Our reactions are all about our interpretation and the judgment we give to the initial feeling.

So, why is that?

Our interpretations and judgments have to do with our expectations and our emotional state.

As we know, emotions are not data; they’re not factual. Emotions are driven by chemicals in our bodies, called hormones. They are also affected by other variables such as our environment, physical health, age, worldview, self-talk, sleep quality and quantity, stress levels, food choices, beliefs, memories, thoughts, and much more. All of these, and more, can and do affect our emotional state.

If you have a particular memory, or an event, that causes you to feel angry, you need to unpack that angry reaction step-by-step and look at all of the pieces involved. Right before the anger, what do you feel? Maybe you feel belittled? Humiliated? Shamed? Unimportant? Ignored? Not mattering to someone? Slighted? Insulted? Mocked? Dismissed? There’s a pretty good chance that you feel one of those, or something closely related.

Those primary feelings triggered the anger, NOT the memory or the event. NOT what the person said or didn’t say, did, or didn’t do. Yep, you heard that right. The first fleeting, almost imperceptible feeling that you felt (insulted, dismissed, unimportant, etc.) came from your interpretation and judgment of the memory or event, and is what triggered your anger.

Let’s say someone just did or said something, and you felt that they were saying (or thinking) that you’re not important, that you don’t matter, that you should be ashamed, that you’re stupid, etc. and you immediately felt angry. But upon closer inspection, you see that they didn’t actually SAY it. That was your interpretation of what they said. The meaning of what was said is coming from you! Can you see that? Your interpretation may be correct or incorrect. The person has not actually said that you’re not important, that you don’t matter, that you should be ashamed, that you’re stupid, etc. It just feels to you, through your interpretation, like that’s what they said or implied. Do you see how your interpretation can drastically affect what happens next?

This interpreting happens quickly and you’re probably not aware of it when it happens. That’s because it happens unconsciously. But after today, if you start to apply conscious awareness, you will become more and more aware of it.

You’ll see that the meaning and judgment cause you to feel some primary emotion; shame, feeling unimportant, dismissed, disrespected, mocked, etc. That primary emotion triggers your anger. Once you’re aware of this process, you can stop right there and question whether your interpretation is accurate or not.

Why are you giving the memory or event that particular interpretation? Why not a different one? Look deeper to see what else is happening that could be impacting your perception and judgment.

Primary emotions that may trigger anger:

1. Loss of control/powerlessness/feeling like a victim

If feelings of victim-hood or loss of control are the primary emotion, you’ll be triggered to feel anger because you want to regain control over what’s happening, or what’s perceived to be happening. (Remember, a lot of this is your own interpretation.) These feelings, in particular, could cause you to overreact or lash out at others who triggered them. That’s because loss of control, victimization, and fear are closely related. If you notice that you’re over-reacting or lashing out, take a look to see if you’re feeling powerless, victimized, or afraid.

2. Fear

As I mentioned, feeling afraid and feeling a loss of control are related. That’s because the amygdala (a structure in our brains that encodes and stores memories) saves memories, not as stories, but as chunks and fragments of sensory input. So, your memories are saved as bits of sounds, sights, smells, touches, and tastes. For those who have C-PTSD, any of these fragments that are also connected to fear can trigger anger. There is a strong need to regain control of the situation.

Our minds use fear as a method to keep us safe. Even though fear is uncomfortable, it is a natural response, not a sign of weakness. When a memory causes you to re-experience feelings of fear, it would be OK to remind yourself that you’re in a safe place and that you’re experiencing a memory. It’s safe to examine this disturbing feeling a little deeper. When you begin to get a clearer picture of what’s really going on behind the scenes in your brain, you’ll start to uncover the actual trigger. Once you find the trigger, you can begin to understand it better, which will start you moving forward.

3. Frustration

I’ve mentioned that frustration can trigger anger, so let’s take a deeper dive into that.

Frustration is the emotional response to having to deal with conditions that are outside of an individual’s realm of control. Being blocked from a desired outcome, or being challenged by a difficult task, are examples of events that can cause frustration. When someone feels frustrated, and it’s combined with fear, they may become aggressive. Often, when we feel frustrated, there is also a sense of powerlessness. That’s because you’re in a situation where you want to do something and you can’t. You feel like you have no available choices, or you don’t know what those choices are.

Focusing on a solution, rather than on the problem, is a helpful thing to do. If you’re feeling frustrated about something, here are some questions to ask yourself that could change your perspective, and uncover a solution-

• What is it that I’m trying to achieve?
• Am I feeling blocked in the way I’m going about getting it?
• What are some other ways I can get it? Think of at least two.
• What steps can I take right now?
• Do I need to start working on accepting that I can’t change this situation?
• Do I need to change my goal, rather than give it up?
• Am I allowing fear to control my responses? How can I change that?

4. Feeling tired or overwhelmed

Feeling worn-out or exhausted impacts our ability to cope with challenging situations. When we’re tired, our minds can’t work at full capacity, and we may find ourselves misperceiving, misunderstanding, or making poor decisions. When we need rest, our patience and emotional resilience are low. You may feel like you’re at your limit for what you can handle, and that’s also connected to feeling frustrated. When you’re at your limit, feeling like you have no more ability to cope can feel scary and may cause you to feel afraid. Being pushed over that limit can trigger anger.

Are you beginning to see how fear keeps coming up in these scenarios? Fear is connected to many of these triggers.

When you’re feeling overwhelmed, stop, and see if you can dig out the cause. Are you tired? Under more stress than usual? Are you in pain? Have you experienced a loss? Have your responsibilities increased? Have you lost a support system? Had a financial loss? What else has changed in your life recently?

Break the cause of your overwhelm into smaller chunks and see where it becomes unmanageable. Do you need to ask for help with this unmanageable piece?

What are some healthy ways that you can start to respond to feeling overwhelmed? (Hint: take a nap, go to bed early, eat something if you’re hungry, call someone, move your body; go for a walk, do something physical, talk to someone, read.)

5. Grief

Grief is an overwhelming emotion, and it’s one of the hardest to deal with. Part of our dawning awareness that our mother’s undiagnosed narcissism has negatively effected us, is noticing a strong feeling of loss. Feelings of loss can be confusing and painful, and often when going through the process of Narcissism Awareness Grief, we feel that sense of loss. We don’t mourn for what we had. We mourn for what we didn’t have; we mourn for what could have been.

We mourn the loving, caring mother we never had, and the innocent, unburdened childhood we never got to experience. We mourn our lost sense of self. We mourn the love and acceptance we never got to experience as daughters, especially if we’re an invisible or scapegoat child. We grieve our lost sense of security because we were gaslighted. We mourn all the lost time, the time spent believing lies and engaging in people-pleasing. We mourn the loss of a soul-connection to our mothers. It’s natural to feel angry when there’s such a huge amount of loss.

When you’re angry, and you’re not sure why, ask yourself if grief could be the cause. Does the current situation remind you of something you’ve lost, could have had, or desired? For example, when you see your mother engaging with the Golden Child, do you feel angry? When you see a mother out in public, laughing, playing with, and enjoying her child, do you feel angry? Ask yourself if what you’re experiencing is unresolved grief. If your anger is indeed grief-related, that’s an indication that you need to start working through the grief. Learn about the stages of grief and Narcissism Awareness Grief in particular. Get into a support group or find a therapist. Please don’t let being stuck in grief rob you of a happier future.

6. Codependent coping

When we don’t feel good about ourselves, if we have low self-esteem or low self-confidence, we look for validation and approval from others. If we don’t know how to validate and affirm ourselves, we look to others to fulfill those needs. When we’re codependent, we may go to incredible lengths to please others, to get that validation, affirmation, and some semblance of self-worth. When we have a weak sense of worth, our anger jumps out in defense. When someone doesn’t acknowledge or appreciate what we’ve done for them (even if they didn’t ask for our help), we feel hurt and resentful, and those can trigger anger.

Codependency ends when we start feeling “good enough” and can approve and validate ourselves. Validation is incredibly important. Once you’re able to validate yourself, you ‘ll be less likely to seek out others to do it for you. You won’t need to step in and do things for others when they haven’t asked you to. You’ll begin to know yourself more deeply than you did when you were focused on care-taking someone else.

Ask yourself, why do you need this person’s approval? Why is it so important to you? What will their approval change about you? What will happen if you don’t get it? If you don’t get it, would that change anything, really? What beliefs about yourself would it change? Is their approval the only thing that will cause this change? What can you do to start feeling better about yourself regardless of how they respond to you? What else might improve your self-esteem? What might increase your self-confidence? When will you start doing those?

7. Betrayal hurt

When we go through Narcissism Awareness Grief, we often feel betrayed. Betrayal hurts our hearts and can affect how we think, how we feel, and what we believe. At least temporarily.

It’s hard to understand how and why our mother could hurt us so deeply. These underlying hurt feelings, along with those of disappointment and betrayal, can all trigger anger. Acknowledge these feelings of pain, betrayal, and disappointment. Work on accepting that if your mother is a narcissist, she truly cannot behave any differently, without making a conscious change. Without a desire or motivation to change, she will not change. The changes must come from you.

8. Weak boundaries

If we have weak boundaries or don’t enforce the boundaries we have, the more likely we are to react in anger when they’re challenged or violated.

You are worthy of love and respect simply because you exist. If you’re in a situation where you’re treated unlovingly or disrespectfully, that may cause you to feel angry or resentful. You may not understand why you feel that way. You feel that way because that person is not validating you. Being validated is a basic human need. If someone’s invalidation triggers your anger, you may want to look into self-empowerment and ways of developing a stronger sense of self-worth. When you value yourself, and can validate yourself, it’s less likely that another’s lack of validation will trigger you.

By taking the time to understand where your anger comes from, you’ll learn a lot about yourself and begin to heal those triggers. You’ll begin feeling a new sense of peace and calm. When someone or something triggers you, you’ll understand what’s happening and be able to deal with it. Sometimes all it takes is awareness of what’s happening “behind the scenes” in your brain. With a little practice, you’ll begin responding to your triggers in a different, healthier way. You’ll begin seeing your anger as a tool that you control, rather than as an emotion that controls you.

Any time you feel angry, whether it’s slightly ticked-off, annoyed, or full-blown furious, get in the habit of asking yourself, “Why am I angry right now? What was the primary emotion I felt?” “What interpretation have I given it?” “Why am I giving it that interpretation instead of some other?” It’ll bring you a step closer to learning how to regulate your emotions, and that’s something many of us didn’t get to learn, if we grew up in an emotionally neglectful home.

Tools for healing:

Conscious awareness:  Be aware and make conscious choices before acting. Self-awareness releases us from making impulsive and potentially damaging decisions. Practice mindfulness.

Understand the abuse cycle

Learn about letting go of what you can’t control, by using loving-detachment

Learn about expectations

Learn about setting boundaries 

Self-care: We can only choose to focus on and be responsible for ourselves, our own thoughts, actions, and behavior. We can take responsibility for getting our needs met, instead of waiting for someone to change or meet our needs for us. We are in control of ourselves and no one is responsible for us but us. We can change ourselves with patience, persistence, and practice.

Learn about codependency and maladaptive coping skills

Take the Adverse Childhood Experiences quiz

Learn about Narcissism Awareness Grief

Lemon Moms: Resources to guide you in healing from childhood trauma, abuse or neglect. Available on Amazon and wherever books are sold. (Kindle, Audiobook and paperback format.)

About the author

Diane Metcalf is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer on the topics of domestic violence, abuse, and family dysfunction. Currently, she writes about toxic relationships and recovery tools. Diane holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and has worked in numerous fields, including domestic violence and abuse. She also holds a Master of Science degree in Information Technology.

As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, she has developed strong coping skills and healing strategies. She happily shares those insights with others who want to learn and recover. 

Her books and articles are the results of her education, knowledge, and personal insight regarding her own abusive experiences and subsequent recovery work. She is no longer a practicing Social Worker, Counselor, Program Manager or Advocate, nor is she or has she ever been a licensed psychologist.

Currently, Diane runs her own website design company, Image and Aspect, and writes articles and tutorials for Tips and Snips, her inspirational blog for creative people. She continues to learn and write about Emotional Healing.

This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

Why is codependency something to be healed?

Codependency is a form of self-abandonment. Instead of focusing on our lives, goals, issues, and our “stuff,” we focus on others and look for validation and approval from them. Other’s needs come first, and ours come last. Living like this can cause codependent individuals to become depressed or anxious or experience panic disorders. And because we abandon ourselves, we may doubt ourselves, have low self-esteem, low energy, feelings of helplessness, hopelessness, powerlessness, defeat, and low self-worth. When we have low self-worth, it’s natural to feel that we’re not worthy or good enough to ask for what we want or need. Instead, we might learn to get our needs met by manipulating people or consequences. We may discover that we feel worthy or good enough when we accept responsibilities that aren’t ours. As we mature, in order for us to feel emotionally or physically safe, it can feel natural and necessary for us to control as much of our environment as possible.

When we spend more time emotionally taking care of or focusing on others than ourselves, trying to control their behavior, how they perceive us, or the consequences of their choices, we have become codependent. When we take responsibility, blame, or make excuses for their harmful or hurtful behavior, we have become codependent. When we rely on others for our sense of identity, approval, or validation, we have become codependent. If we are focused on someone’s life, goals, issues, and “stuff,” instead of our own, we have become codependent. If their needs come first, and ours come last, we have become codependent.

If you are an “action taker” and a “do-er,” you might be a codependent.

The stages of becoming codependent

Codependency exists on a continuum, from mild to severe. There are three stages in the development of codependency: the loss of self, the need to appease someone important to us, and the need to control the consequences of the other’s behavior. Let’s talk about each of those.

Loss of self: This early-stage of codependency looks like we’re paying an increasing amount of attention to someone else. We may monitor their moods, become hypervigilant, and feel a strong desire to please them. In this phase, we deny or rationalize their problem behaviors and fabricate explanations that maintain our sense of safety. We may endure gaslighting because our focus is on keeping them calm and minimizing verbal or physical attacks, or some other problematic behavior. We are as invisible as possible. We learn that we don’t matter.

Need to appease: This stage takes increased effort as we continue denying or minimizing the more painful aspects of a relationship. We likely feel anxious, guilty, and ashamed, but we purposefully hide these feelings from ourselves and others, along with our relationship problems. We may withdraw from other relationships and activities we enjoy. Our self-esteem decreases, and we continue to compromise ourselves to maintain a semblance of stability or predictability. Our focus is on taking someone’s “emotional temperature.” We learn to adjust our behavior and expectations according to what we sense is happening with them. We may feel angry, disappointed, unloved, or unimportant when we’re in this phase of codependency. We may begin using other maladaptive coping behaviors, including eating, bingeing, self-harming, stealing, engaging in risky sexual activity, or abusing substances.

Need to control consequences: In late-stage codependency, emotional and behavioral symptoms start affecting us. We may experience health issues like stomachaches, nightmares, headaches, muscle pain, tension, and TMJ. Self-esteem and self-care are almost nonexistent at this point, replaced by feelings of hopelessness, helplessness, anger, resentment, and overall unhappiness. We may begin to feel more symptoms of C-PTSD if we live with repetitive traumatic events.

When we’re in healthy relationships, we don’t feel obligated to help others avoid their naturally occurring consequences. Instead, both parties understand that outcomes should be experienced by the person who’s responsible for causing them.

Adult children

When we develop codependent coping skills as children, we will more than likely take them with us into adulthood, if we haven’t learned healthy ways of coping. If we became codependent as children, we were probably caretakers for other adults or siblings. We were likely required to mature quickly and take responsibilities that were not age-appropriate. When it felt unsafe for us to be around our caretaker, we learned to tiptoe around the instability. We learned to “put-up and shut-up.” We monitored moods and responded accordingly, we noticed behavioral patterns, and we became very good at predicting behavior. We learned how to take the initiative in making someone else’s life easier or better so we could feel a sense of stability and safety. We became accustomed to doing things for them and others that they could do for themselves. Controlling our environment became equivalent to feeling safe.

Letting go of and no longer controlling the outcomes and consequences of someone else’s actions are some of the first steps in healing codependency.

As codependent adults, we spend time thinking about how to please and caretake others while our own social, professional, and personal responsibilities get neglected. We continue focusing on others despite the problems it creates. Because we still desire love, connection, and affection, we will continue compromising ourselves, emotionally caretaking and chasing after love and affection, while settling for crumbs and feeling unloved, unseen and not good enough. These behaviors eventually affect our ability to have healthy, mutually satisfying adult relationships. Because we feel confused, distrustful, hesitant, disoriented, and emotionally exhausted, we often find ourselves searching for answers and explanations as to why we feel this way.

We may also seek out individuals who fit with our codependent personality. Codependency lends itself nicely to all kinds of unhealthy relationships. It wouldn’t be unusual to find ourselves in relationships involving alcoholism, substance abuse, verbal or physical abuse, and mental illness, including narcissism. Those who have experienced childhood trauma or abuse may eventually find themselves in abusive, toxic, or less-than-satisfying adult relationships. It makes sense: this toxic person’s behavior and way of relating to us seem familiar, and we already know our role and what’s expected of us within the relationship.

As codependents, we try forcing ourselves painfully into a mold that we will never fit into. And we repeatedly try to become someone else’s idea of who we should be. Not knowing details about yourself that you know about other’s in your life, like favorite foods, music, authors, etc. are the result of an other-directed, other-focused upbringing.

Codependents enjoy offering suggestions and advice even though they haven’t been asked for them. If we’re codependent, we feel responsible for people and issues that aren’t our responsibility. If we don’t attempt to help, fix, or control, we often feel guilty or ashamed. It feels wrong or selfish when we don’t jump in, take charge, or assist others who seem to be struggling. It feels wrong not to help even when they haven’t asked for our help. We feel that somehow it’s our job to take action, take over, and fix. We often feel the need to make excuses for others’ mistreatment of us or their poor behavior in general. We explain and justify to ourselves why it’s OK for them to do so. We often take the blame or minimize and deny the pain they cause. We codependents are famously known for our discomfort with saying, “no.”

If we’re codependent, we most likely don’t have boundaries. We’ll overexplain and defend ourselves because we want to been seen, affirmed, validated and understood. We’ll continuously seek affirmation outside of ourselves to feel “good enough” or like we matter. Others often describe us as needy, “clingy,” or insecure.

How to know if you’re codependent

Are you codependent?

• Have you taken actions that prevent someone from feeling or experiencing the consequences of their choices?
• Have you tried to control the outcome of a particular situation or event?
• Have you taken responsibility for someone’s actions or poor choices?

When you take responsibility (or accept blame or make excuses) for someone’s harmful or hurtful behavior, it “enables” them to keep doing it. (a) You’ve taken all the responsibility away from them and placed it on yourself, and (b) there are no negative consequences from which they can learn.

• Do you do things for other’s that they could do for themselves?

Although it often feels right to take care of others, we’re often left feeling taken advantage of or resentful. So, if you feel resentful about something you did or are doing for someone, it might be that you’re using codependent behavior.

• Have I/do I try to manage or control someone or their choices?
• Have I taken on responsibilities that aren’t mine?
• Have I ever been called “controlling” or a “control freak?”
• Do I take care of others by cleaning up their messes, both figuratively and otherwise?

Codependency includes behaviors like the ones listed below. How many of these do you notice in yourself?

• Being preoccupied or concerned with the needs of others
• Placing a low priority on your own needs
• Being attracted to needy or emotionally unavailable people
• Believing that you have to be in a romantic relationship before you your life feels meaningful
• Trying to control another’s behavior
• Feeling incapable of ending a harmful or toxic relationship
• Trying to please everyone even though you know you’ll feel resentful
• Not taking time for yourself, or ignoring your self-care
• Fearing for another’s safety but being willing to risk your safety
• Shielding someone from the consequences of their actions
• Taking responsibility for how another person feels
• Taking responsibility for what another person does
• Trying to fix someone’s problem when they haven’t asked you to
• Helping because it makes you feel better
• Feeling like your life is full of unwanted drama

Healing codependency

Healing requires acknowledging your pain without letting it define you. Our wounds have left scars that will always be with us. But when we start healing and moving forward, the scars fade over time, hurting less, becoming less obvious, and we can truly heal and move forward. Healthy coping mechanisms help us to make sense of confusing or threatening life experiences and to respond appropriately in wholesome ways. When we use healthy coping skills, we’re able to “reframe” unpleasant events in a way that is healthier for us and feels better too. Reframing is a step in the healing process.

When we’re free of codependent thinking and coping, we will understand and accept that we’re separate and complete beings. We have a strong sense of self, and our boundaries are squarely in place. We feel comfortable continuing to set new boundaries that keep us healthy, happy, and safe. We don’t feel any need to justify, explain, or make sense of another person’s behavior, to ourselves or anyone else. We understand that other’s choices and actions are their responsibility, not ours. People are entitled to have thoughts and feelings about you that are incorrect. It’s not your job to correct their thinking. They will see you the way they see you. If you argue with them, defend yourself or get emotional, you will become drained, while they are being recharged.

Once you have healthy boundaries in place, you will experience a shift in your emotions. You may start to notice that your sense of safety, security, and control, no longer need to come from people-pleasing and manipulating outcomes. Instead, they’ll come from your boundaries.

Living as a codependent means that we’re not going to get our needs met, yet asking for anything on our own behalf feels wrong, imposing, excessive, or selfish. We’re afraid of dissatisfying others. If we disappoint anyone, it often leads to feeling guilt and shame, yet we continually look for someone to please. We make excuses for their poor behavior or mistreatment of us, minimizing the pain they cause. Holding on to this mindset and behavior pattern will attract dysfunctional people to us.

It helps to take a pretty deep and fearless dive into what’s actually going on with our thoughts and behavior. When I was ready, I began looking at how I chose to spend my time, noticing who benefited from it and who did not. I started to see it when I took care of others’ needs and ignored or denied my own. I asked myself why I made the choices I did. Little by little, I learned to live in awareness, with intention. (Not always, but more and more often!) My negative self-talk once enforced my belief that everyone’s needs were more important than my own. I started changing the self-talk, and I questioned, then changed, those limiting beliefs.

Some of the other steps I took to break free of codependency in addition to self-awareness were: living in the moment, focusing on one day at a time, building a network of emotionally healthy people and letting go of ones who weren’t, and prioritizing self-care. As I learned to become aware of my codependent thinking and behaving, I was better able to let go of my desire to control outcomes, no matter how good my intentions were. I got comfortable watching friends and loved ones deal with the consequences of their poor choices. I had to sit still and stay uninvolved when they made poor decisions, even if it hurt them or cost them money or relationships. I learned to give them the freedom and dignity to make their own choices and to deal and learn from the outcomes on their own. I learned to stop fixing and rescuing. I learned how to detach with love, set boundaries, and focus on self-care.

Setting boundaries, saying “no,” and letting others learn their life lessons “the hard way” became a few of my goals. I started to see my role in creating trauma bonds, and I learned how to break those bonds. It was a slow, deliberate, and sometimes painful process.

Tools for healing:

Conscious awareness:  Be aware and make conscious choices before acting. Self-awareness releases us from making impulsive and potentially damaging decisions.

Practice mindfulness

Self-care: We can only choose to focus on and be responsible for ourselves, our own thoughts, actions, and behavior. The good news is that we can change ourselves with patience, persistence, and practice. We can take responsibility for getting our needs met, instead of waiting for someone to change or meet our needs for us. We are in control of ourselves and no one is responsible for us but us.

Learn about letting go of what you can’t control, by using loving-detachment

Learn about expectations

Learn about setting boundaries 

Lemon Moms: Resources to guide you in healing from childhood trauma, abuse or neglect. Available on Amazon and wherever books are sold. (Kindle, Audiobook and paperback format.)

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About the author

Diane Metcalf is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer on the topics of domestic violence, abuse, and family dysfunction. Currently, she writes about toxic relationships and recovery tools. Diane holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and has worked in numerous fields, including domestic violence and abuse. She holds a Master of Science degree in Information Technology.

As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, she has developed strong coping skills and healing strategies. She happily shares those insights with others who want to learn and recover. 

Her books and articles are the results of her education, knowledge, and personal insight regarding her own abusive experiences and subsequent recovery work. She is no longer a practicing Social Worker, Counselor, Program Manager or Advocate, nor is she or has she ever been a licensed psychologist.

Currently, Diane runs her own website design company, Image and Aspect, and writes articles and tutorials for Tips and Snips, her inspirational blog for creative people. She continues to learn and write about Emotional Healing.

This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.