Daughters and sons of narcissistic mothers are out there and they feel alone and misunderstood.

An emotionally healthy mother’s love is a powerful, lifelong theme for most children; her kindness, compassion, validation, and the loving bond that they share. For those of us who don’t have that kind of mom, memories, or relationship, we are keenly aware of those who do. And we wonder why we don’t. Because surely if our mothers can’t love us, it must be our fault. We must be unlovable, right?

American culture views motherhood as a saintly paradigm; promoting that mother love is instinctive, unconditional, and spontaneous; and that all women can love, empathize, and nurture. These myths and inaccuracies are detrimental; they harm unloved children’s spirits, holding them in a state of self-doubt and cognitive dissonance.

When a mother and adult child relationship fails, it’s the adult child who’s usually held responsible. These kinds of cultural perspectives can keep an unloved daughter or son stuck in the place they’ve been since childhood—knowing that something is wrong and blaming themselves. They wonder who will be able to love them if their own mothers can’t.

But mothering is a learned behavior in human beings. A spectrum of maternal behaviors exists, from healthy to toxic. Acknowledging this may be helpful when we think about Mother’s Day.

I used to spend a huge amount of emotional energy just selecting a Mother’s Day card. Today, there is more awareness and sensitivity regarding family dysfunction and the understanding that not all mothers are loving and kind. These days, it’s easier to find a more realistic card sentiment. But years ago, it was extremely difficult to find a card that didn’t boldly announce “Happy Mothers Day to the Greatest Mother in the World!” or “I’m So Blessed That You’re My Mother” All of them gushed with sentiments that I didn’t feel and all of them felt like lies. While I dealt with that, others dealt with decisions like: “Should I even send a card?” “Should I call?” “Should I see her?” “Should I ignore the day?” “What should I do?”

The thing is, if we’re still attempting to please and appease our narcissistic moms, we’re in a no-win situation. Whatever we do will not be good enough, because it never has. Like others in this situation, every year I went through emotional pain and turmoil: on Mother’s Day, I was forced to face the stark and demoralizing humiliation of our one-sided relationship for the entire day. I was actually a mother myself, yet I was focused on making this day all about MY mother. I wasn’t able to enjoy what the day meant for me as a mother. I missed out on feeling connected with my kids and letting them focus on me, celebrating me. Instead, I expected them to focus on her too. The entire day was about my mother and making her happy. But of course, she never was. She spent the day criticizing the weather, the restaurant, the food, her gifts, and other people. For decades this continued and I didn’t see it because I was supremely codependent, unaware, and unhealed. Eventually, I awakened and realized that something needed to change. I finally accepted that she wasn’t going to change. I needed to change.

Experts say that with a narcissist mother, you have two choices: live on her terms (focusing on her, chasing after her withheld love, acceptance, and affection) or go “no contact.” This feels like black and white (all or none) thinking to me, and I’ve never been a big fan. I prefer to see all the shades of gray. So I created a third option for myself: I identified my cognitive dissonance and C-PTSD symptoms and prioritized healing them with various forms of therapy. I refused to be gaslighted, I set enforceable boundaries and started trusting my mind and my memories. I no longer focused on what she did, said, wanted, or expected, and as a result, I no longer felt humiliated, unloved, invalidated, and rejected. Our relationship was finally on my terms.

Confusion and Cognitive Dissonance

As children, if our need for love and connection to our mothers was not met, we simply blamed ourselves. And then we began forming beliefs that we are not good enough, and that we don’t matter.

If you are an empathetic person, you are naturally sensitive to others’ emotional needs. Trying to understand that narcissists don’t have the ability to feel empathy is difficult to understand or believe. As children of narcissists, we keep returning to that parent, again and again, hoping and wishing that it will be different this time. We focus on gaining approval, validation, acceptance, and love. We jump through any hoop offered. When nothing changes, it triggers more pain and confusion and a continuation of the “I’m not-good-enough’s” and “I-don’t-matter’s.”

Then we grew up, and we may have started to realize that the problem is not us! There is nothing—and there never was—anything inherently wrong with us, as we may have been led to believe.

You do not need a formal diagnosis to determine that your relationship is unhealthy. If it is, you can do something about it.

There’s a Name For It

“Narcissism Awareness Grief” (NAG) is a condition coined by Dr. Christine Hammond, a Licensed Mental Health Counselor. She teaches that the loss of a mother’s love, warmth, interest, and connection is a momentous loss that must be consciously grieved.

Narcissism Awareness Grief acknowledges that our mothers’ narcissistic traits have negatively impacted us. When we begin to come to terms with how they have impacted us, we can break through the denial and start working through six stages of grief, to finally arrive at the final phase of Acceptance. When you fully understand and accept that you cannot change or control your mother’s perception of you, the ball is truly in your court. It’s from the point of Acceptance that your life can and will change. Remember, acceptance does not mean liking or agreeing. You can accept that your mother has narcissistic traits, but you don’t have to like it. Accepting and liking are two separate things.

I remember very well what it was like to experience Narcissism Awareness Grief. As I slowly became aware of how my mother’s narcissistic traits affected me, I felt a mixture of denial, disbelief, and a sense of overwhelming sadness. You see, when we discover that the dysfunction and trauma we experienced as children has an actual name, there’s an initial rush of validation. We suddenly realize that we’re not alone, that we’re not crazy, and that we haven’t imagined it. Narcissistic mistreatment, trauma, and abuse are real things, and we can recover from them.

Self-care

What can we adult children of maternal narcissists do to feel better on Mother’s Day?

Like most days, you can make the day into whatever you want. Here are a few suggestions that can help:

1. Question the card. Search for a generic Mother’s Day card, if you want to send a card at all. Giving a card that says “Best Mom in the World” is an act of denial. The first step to healing is admitting how you feel about your relationship. NO MORE DENIAL. It takes courage not to buy that lying card. If you want to give a card, find one, or make one, that better acknowledges how you feel.
2. Eliminate expectations. You can’t be disappointed if you don’t expect anything to be different this year. Learn to drop expectations.
3. Make new traditions. Do the day differently. Celebrate yourself! Do something you enjoy, whether solo or with a friend. Focus on self-care.
4. Feel and express your feelings. Give yourself permission to feel and express whatever you’re feeling. Give yourself space to cry, be angry, feel unloved, or grieve. Acknowledge that you have reason to feel these feelings, and validate your childhood memories. Write it all in a journal to get it out of your system in a healthy way.
5. Shift the focus. Practice gratitude, speak healing affirmations or do something nice for someone else.
6. Make an appointment. If Mother’s Day annually triggers anxiety or depression, give yourself the gift of scheduled time with a professional to start the healing process.
7. Seek support. Find support groups in your area or online. Talking with others who understand narcissism dynamics can help in your healing journey. And as always, don’t try to explain it to those who don’t. Others who don’t understand narcissism may unknowingly invalidate you, causing further pain or trauma.
8. Express gratitude to the mothers you know who are loving and kind. Honor other women who have given you motherly love, perhaps a grandmother, aunt, or friend.
9. If you are a mother, work to end the legacy of one-sided love. Acknowledge and be grateful for your ability to love.
10. Start working a recovery program so you don’t pass the legacy down to your children. If you are already working on healing, good for you! Do the work!

On Mother’s Day, let’s all honor the mothers who have given their children the gifts of love and nurturing. Let’s applaud the mothers who are working a program to change the family legacy of narcissistic mistreatment or abuse. And at the same time, let’s acknowledge the truths of the daughters and sons of mothers who cannot show love to their children.

You’re all in my thoughts,

Diane

More tools:

Start using positive detachment

Learn about Narcissism Awareness Grief

Learn to set boundaries

Learn about dysfunctional family roles

Understand trauma bonds

Learn about codependency and maladaptive coping skills

Understand the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle

Learn to drop expectations

More Resources You May Like:

I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self

A Workbook and Journal

How to write the highest vibrating, most powerful affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things

Sold worldwide in any bookstore.

Quick links:

Barnes and Noble

Amazon

Walmart

Author Site

Join the Free Email Survival Course:

Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward

from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.

Private Facebook group included for members only.

There’s an app for that!

Get THE TOOLBOX APP

for instant information, support, and validation!

The Lemon Moms Series:

B&N

Kindle

Audible

Amazon

Nook

Google

Apple

Available formats: eBook, audiobook, hardcover, paperback, and large print too!

Get the TOOLBOX articles twice monthly to your inbox!

About the Author

As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping skills and healing strategies for herself. She happily shares those with others who want to learn and grow. 

Her Lemon Moms series and other books and articles are a combination of her education, knowledge, personal growth, and insight from her childhood experiences and subsequent recovery work.

Diane holds a Master of Science degree in Information Technology and a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology. She’s worked in numerous fields, including domestic violence and abuse, and is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer about family dysfunction. On The Toolbox, she writes about recovery strategies from hurtful people and painful, dysfunctional, or toxic relationships. She has authored four transformational books about healing and moving forward from narcissistic Victim Syndrome.

Visit her author’s site here: DianeMetcalf.com

Learn about the Lemon Moms series here: Lemon Moms

This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

Now, if I formed the belief in childhood that I’m unlovable, and I carried that belief with me into adulthood, my interpretation of others’ behavior will reflect that belief. If I have strong self-esteem, then my interpretation will reflect that. We interpret our reality using these emotional “filters.” It’s important to remember this because our filters can and do change. Our perceptions and interpretations also continually change and develop as we mature physically, intellectually, socially, spiritually, and emotionally.

Remember that “beliefs” are thoughts that have emotions attached to them. Eliminating inaccurate beliefs is a primary key to healing. What thoughts and feelings are still connected to your childhood beliefs? For example, if you were told as a child that you were not smart, then as an adult you may still believe it. You may never have examined that belief to determine if it was really true. Instead, you probably accepted and internalized it as truth and took it with you into adulthood. Now as an adult, you can examine it objectively. Make a list of the feelings, thoughts, and actions that come with that belief and write about them at length. Is the belief still relevant today? Why or why not? Explain. It’s helpful to learn about therapeutic approaches like Tapping (Emotional Freedom Technique,) Neurolinguistic Programming, and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy which can eliminate faulty beliefs and help create healthy new ones. Take time to investigate other methods of changing beliefs. We acquired our beliefs as children. As adults, we get to replace them with ones that serve us.

Cognitive dissonance is one of the most challenging aspects of healing. Because of gaslighting, we’ve learned to disregard or mistrust our perceptions, judgment, and memory. We may have learned to trust and accept someone else’s interpretation of the world and events and we may now rely on their interpretations, judgment, and perceptions instead of our own.

When you were gaslighted as a child, you probably also received unexpected or inappropriate responses. Your response to the gaslighting may have been determined to be incorrect, unreasonable, or shameful. You may have wondered why you received strange looks causing you to question your actions and words. Now, as an adult, you may be fearful for your mental health, you’re concerned that you may be losing your mind. You may accept that you’re the illogical one, or that you’re mentally ill. Gaslighting often leads to depression, anxiety, helplessness, hopelessness, or exhaustion. If it’s severe, you may feel like your sense of self is “fuzzy” and “reality” feels dreamlike. You probably can’t think clearly and have trouble with problem-solving and making decisions. This is more cognitive dissonance as a result of the gaslighting.

I’d often get confused, stressed, and frustrated when my mother denied doing or saying something I’d witnessed. I’d ask, “You’re saying that I didn’t see what I know I just saw?” And she’d reply in an exasperated or dismayed tone of voice, “You dreamt it,” “You imagined it,” or “So-and-so did that, not me.” It shouldn’t surprise you that I grew up to continue that tradition. I excelled at self-gaslighting. When you convince yourself that you didn’t just hear what you know you heard or that you didn’t just see what you know you saw….you are self-gaslighting. We do it to protect ourselves from further trauma.

Self gaslighting

For those of us who’ve experienced gaslighting as children, it likely caused harmful cognitive dissonance and reduced us into confused, uncertain, dependent shadows of our true selves. It robbed us of our ability to think logically, make decisions easily, use sound judgment, and recall accurately. Instead, we doubt ourselves, always second-guessing our thoughts, emotions, and decisions. I believe that gaslighting is the most harmful and destructive form of manipulation because it undermines our whole sense of self and crumbles our stability.

Self-gaslighting also contributes to cognitive dissonance. When we tell ourselves that someone’s actions or behavior was our fault, we’re self-gaslighting. We may convince ourselves that we somehow provoked their hurtful behavior, or we take responsibility for the things they did to hurt us. When we self-gaslight, we not only accept blame, we intentionally place it on ourselves. We lie to ourselves and then spend precious emotional energy, convincing ourselves that we’re not. It’s exhausting. Throughout your healing process, remind yourself not to do that anymore. Be honest with yourself now. Stand up for yourself and become your own advocate. If you won’t, then who will? Tell yourself the truth and stop accepting gaslighting from anybody, including yourself, period. Practice mindfulness to become aware that you’re doing it and stop every time.

Humans have a natural need for their attitudes, beliefs, and behaviors to co-exist peacefully with each other. This is called “cognitive consistency.” Living in a state of cognitive consistency means that we feel stable, relaxed, and secure. For example, if I believe I’m an honest person, and I act accordingly, it means I’ll tell the truth even when it’s uncomfortable or it gets me into trouble. Doing so means I’ll maintain my integrity and my cognitive consistency.

How cognitive dissonance is resolved

Most of us consciously or unconsciously resolve cognitive dissonance by doing one of these three things:

1. Change our thoughts: Choosing this option means you change your thoughts and beliefs to match those of your narcissistic mom. For example, you accept your mother’s perspective that you lack common sense, rather than continue believing that you have sound judgment. Now you agree with your mother, which eliminates the emotional conflict and cognitive dissonance.
2. Change our actions: With this approach, you change your behavior, so it matches your beliefs about yourself. Using the above example, you find ways to demonstrate that you actually have sound judgment and common sense. Your actions now match your mindset, eliminating the emotional conflict and cognitive dissonance.
3. Justify our perceptions: You really do lack common sense and sound judgment, and you rationalize this by minimizing their value and significance. In essence, you trivialize your lack of common sense and sound judgment to eliminate the emotional conflict and cognitive dissonance.

Resolving cognitive dissonance isn’t always done on a conscious level, although we may be aware that we have choices to make. At some point, we’ll use one of the three methods to keep our sanity intact.

Eliminating cognitive dissonance isn’t a “one and done” thing. Typically, and speaking from my own experience, we play around with the three possibilities for resolution, trying them on, seeing how they fit and feel. Eventually, we settle on one that suits us best, that causes us the least mental and emotional stress.

Because my mother liked to overwrite my perceptions and memories with her own, I heard a lot of, “I never said that,” “You imagined it,” “You dreamt it,” or “It wasn’t me.” I was in a continual state of self-doubt and confusion from her insistence that I perceived and remembered events inaccurately. My ability to make decisions and to trust my own senses was severely negatively impacted. I eventually came to believe that the discrepancies between my own observations and those of my mother were flaws in my memory and perception. I became obsessed with explaining the disparities between what I observed and what I was told I observed. I remained in a state of cognitive dissonance throughout my childhood. If you can relate, I urge you to start your healing journey now and recover from the resulting cognitive dissonance.

Tools:

Conscious awareness: Be aware and make conscious choices before acting. Self-awareness releases us from making impulsive and potentially damaging decisions.

Self-care: We can only choose to focus on and be responsible for ourselves, our own thoughts, actions, and behavior. The good news is that we can change ourselves with patience, persistence, and practice. We can take responsibility for getting our needs met, instead of waiting for someone to change or meet our needs for us. We are in control of ourselves and no one is responsible for us but us.

Practice mindfulness

Learn about codependency

Take the Adverse Childhood Experiences quiz

Learn about Narcissism Awareness Grief

Understand the Abuse Cycle

Learn about letting go of what you can’t control, by using positive detachment

Learn about expectations

Learn about setting boundaries

More Resources You May Like:

I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self

A Workbook and Journal

How to write the highest vibrating, most powerful affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things

Sold worldwide in any bookstore.

Quick links:

Barnes and Noble

Amazon

Walmart

Author Site

Join the Free Email Survival Course:

Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward

from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.

Private Facebook group included for members only.

There’s an app for that!

Get THE TOOLBOX APP

for instant information, support, and validation!

The Lemon Moms Series:

B&N

Kindle

Audible

Amazon

Nook

Google

Apple

Available formats: eBook, audiobook, hardcover, paperback, and large print too!

Get the TOOLBOX articles twice monthly to your inbox!

About the Author

As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping skills and healing strategies for herself. She happily shares those with others who want to learn and grow. 

Her Lemon Moms series and other books and articles are a combination of her education, knowledge, personal growth, and insight from her childhood experiences and subsequent recovery work.

Diane holds a Master of Science degree in Information Technology and a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology. She’s worked in numerous fields, including domestic violence and abuse, and is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer about family dysfunction. On The Toolbox, she writes about recovery strategies from hurtful people and painful, dysfunctional, or toxic relationships. She has authored four transformational books about healing and moving forward from narcissistic Victim Syndrome.

Visit her author’s site here: DianeMetcalf.com

Learn about the Lemon Moms series here: Lemon Moms

This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

It’s impossible to live your best life if you struggle with low self-esteem or self-confidence. So create a life filled with joy and purpose by learning to develop a positive inner dialogue to benefit your body, mind, and spirit!

When you change your self-talk, you literally change your mindset and perspective! When you go from unsupportive inner dialogue to affirming who you are as your best self, you literally change your self-identity.

By using positive affirmations, you:
-reinforce a new self-narrative
-see yourself differently
-adopt a broader definition of your “identity”
-adopt a broader definition of your roles
-define ideas like “success” differently

As you use this beautiful workbook journal, you’ll learn how to replace the negative thoughts, feelings, and beliefs that keep you stuck and hold you back. You’ll recognize your unsupportive, inner dialogue and replace it with validating, affirming self-talk to change yourself and life.

You’ll learn how to determine your current vibrational state and, using a step-by-step approach, how to raise your vibration with positive affirmations. First, you’ll discover the six essential traits of the most potent affirmations and then how to re-work them to be the highest vibrating they can be.

You’ll acquire four fundamentals to incorporate into your daily affirmational practice, making it a highly personal and powerful package for manifesting the life you want. Then, as you begin writing and speaking your most individualized, powerful, and highest vibrating affirmations, you’ll start to uncover your true, authentic self and your highest potential.

Write inside the book • Inspiring prompts and activities •  Expressive Journaling  

•Write in the book– This workbook journal is packed with 99 exquisite pages; a lovely place to dream, plan and explore your thoughts, feelings, and beliefs. Use the dedicated areas to answer questions and write and re-work your affirmations. And there are pages devoted to keeping track of new insights and creating gratitude lists. Transfer your polished affirmations to the special area in the back if you desire to cut them out for use in your daily practice.
•Interactive Activities

• Explore characteristics that you want to change about yourself and your life.
• Explore your intentions and determine what you will accomplish by changing.
• Use the guided step-by-step instructions to make your very first affirmation resonate highly by the time you’re finished.
• Investigate new thoughts, feelings, and beliefs that you want to create.
• Explore the unique character traits of your authentic self and discover how to receive them.
• Understand where gratitude fits into your practice, and create a dynamic gratitude list.

• Inspiring Prompts– Unpack your new insights, thoughts, feelings, and beliefs, then connect them to your unique, personal affirmations.
• Expressive Journaling– Deepen your understanding of self-love and self-compassion to use them in the real world. With self-compassion and positive self-talk come the self-acceptance and confidence to move forward into your best life.

The Lemon Moms 3-Book Series

More Resources You May Like:

I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self

A Workbook and Journal

How to write the highest vibrating, most powerful affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things

Sold worldwide in any bookstore.

Quick links:

Barnes and Noble

Amazon

Walmart

Author Site

Join the Free Email Survival Course:

Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward

from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.

Private Facebook group included for members only.

There’s an app for that!

Get THE TOOLBOX APP

for instant information, support, and validation!

The Lemon Moms Series:

B&N

Kindle

Audible

Amazon

Nook

Google

Apple

Available formats: eBook, audiobook, hardcover, paperback, and large print too!

Get the TOOLBOX articles twice monthly to your inbox!

About the Author

As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping skills and healing strategies for herself. She happily shares those with others who want to learn and grow. 

Her Lemon Moms series and other books and articles are a combination of her education, knowledge, personal growth, and insight from her childhood experiences and subsequent recovery work.

Diane holds a Master of Science degree in Information Technology and a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology. She’s worked in numerous fields, including domestic violence and abuse, and is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer about family dysfunction. On The Toolbox, she writes about recovery strategies from hurtful people and painful, dysfunctional, or toxic relationships. She has authored four transformational books about healing and moving forward from narcissistic Victim Syndrome.

Visit her author’s site here: DianeMetcalf.com

Learn about the Lemon Moms series here: Lemon Moms

This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

Negative and Unsupportive

In talking about affirmations, you might be more familiar with the negative types; those hurtful, unkind, and destructive things we tell ourselves. They are unsupportive inner dialogues that run in the background of our thoughts. We hear them as that little voice that whispers, “you’re too fat to be wearing that,” or “none of these people care about what you think,” or “you’re not smart enough to do that.” Those negative affirmations can do a lot of harm to our self-confidence and self-esteem. It’s time to replace them. Let’s kick the negativity out altogether. When we’re on a path of self-discovery, recovery, and moving forward, negative self-talk has no place in our lives.

If we grew up surrounded by dysfunction, especially in a narcissistic home, we got the message that we couldn’t do anything right, weren’t good enough, or didn’t matter. If we had a narcissistic mother, her words and behavior cut us deeply, like emotional knives. And long after we left home, that cruel, critical, internalized voice stayed with us.

We may try convincing ourselves that we’re over-reacting, that no harm was done, or that those painful memories we keep experiencing never really happened (self-gaslighting.) However, denying the reality of a painful childhood and allowing emotional wounds to remain unhealed leaves us unprepared for life’s challenges as adults. Our unhealed triggers and wounded inner child can keep us stuck perceiving, feeling, and responding like frightened children.

Two Powerful Words

Positive, healing affirmations remind us of who we are when we are living as our authentic selves. Affirmations remind us of who we are when we are living as our true selves. By following our intuition, and writing and speaking positive affirmations, we begin to honor and eventually become our authentic selves and create our best lives possible. We become our best ”I Am.”

Affirmations are designed to promote an optimistic mindset; they have been shown to reduce the tendency to dwell on negative experiences (Wiesenfeld et al., 2001.) Optimism is powerful! When we replace negative thoughts with positive ones, we create a whole new mindset and perspective about “who we are” and what we can accomplish.

The Work

Using strong positive affirmations helps with boundary setting, feeling safe, improving self-trust and self-esteem, increasing self-confidence and personal empowerment, and healing C-PTSD symptoms.

Positive Affirmations vs. Codependency

Positive affirmations are the opposite of codependency. By speaking positive affirmations, we are reminded that we are powerful, that we matter, that we are worthy and that we already have the answers we seek. When we stand in this truth, our truth, we feel this. We know this.

If we don’t frequently remind ourselves of who we are as our best selves we can easily slip into living on others’ terms and lose our identities. We can quickly become other-focused and work to become what someone else wants us to be. This loss of self is at the core of codependency, (aka enabling and people-pleasing.)

I’ve heard it said that “damnation is the discontinuation of growth and development.” We may not know where we’re going, but let’s not go back to where we’ve been. Instead, keep growing, keep learning, keep moving forward, keep healing. Learn to trust the ebb and flow of life and, most importantly, in yourself.

Here are some healing affirmations from my book, Lemon Moms Life-altering Affirmations: Change Your Self-talk, Change YourSELF. They were specifically written for those who are in a relationship with someone who has narcissistic traits, but they can be useful to anyone who needs them. Many of them help diminish codependent thinking and behaving.

These affirmations will help if you’re: healing from narcissistic or abusive interactions, progressing through Narcissism Awareness Grief, experiencing Narcissism Victim Syndrome, at any phase in the cycle of abuse, or living with someone who has distorted thinking or mental illness. Some affirmations are repeated in more than one category because they apply to more than one.

I sincerely wish you healing and peace.

If you’re interested in Lemon Moms Life-Altering Affirmations: Change Your Self-talk, Change YourSELF– it’s sold everywhere, including Audible, Amazon Kindle, Amazon paperback, B&N Nook, B&N paperback, GOOGLE PLAY, APPLE

Healing Affirmations

For Calming Fight or Flight (Affirmations to help deal with hypervigilance)

• I have confidence in myself.
• The past is over. I happily focus on the present moment, feeling empowered.
• I acknowledge and protect my personal power.
• I am safe.
• I hear, affirm, comfort, and validate my inner child.
• I trust my mind.
• I trust my decisions.
• My self-talk is strictly positive.
• I trust my senses of sight, hearing, smell, taste, and touch.
• I am whole.
• I can, and I will.
• I heal more every day.
• I am in control of what I think and how I feel.
• I am a survivor and healed warrior. 
• Today I give myself the freedom to make an error and know that it does not affect my worth as a human being.
• I release old habits and practice new ones.
• I let go of controlling or manipulating others.
• I know and trust my own mind.

For Working Through Narcissism Awareness Grief (Affirmations to help deal with feelings of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, rewriting, acceptance)

• I always mattered, but my mother couldn’t see it or acknowledge it.
• I am in charge. Today’s thoughts create my future.
• I hear, affirm, comfort, and validate my inner child.
• This is stressful, so I take extra good care of myself today.
• I stay in the present and focus on one day at a time.
• I let myself rest without judgment.
• I am kind and gentle with myself.
• Today I honor and cherish my inner child, who was blameless then and now.
• Now is the time to step into my power.
• I am loved, loving and lovable.
• I can do hard things.
• When I have a problem, I focus on solutions.
• I am naturally relaxed and confident.
• I am safe and secure.
• I am emotionally and physically strong.
• I allow peace into my life.
• I effectively communicate my needs and desires.
• I accept that others love the best they can and may be limited in their ability to express love.
• I am centered and focused.
• I am unaffected by the desires of others

To Feel Accepted (Affirmations to help deal with being scapegoated and rejected)

• I use my voice, and I am heard.
• Only I can determine my self-worth.
• I let go of the need for others to validate me.
• I value myself.
• I am human. It’s OK to be imperfect.
• I focus on what I can control, and I release the rest.
• I make healthy choices for myself.
• I ask for help when I am struggling.
• I allow others to live their lives and release the need to worry or control.
• I am stronger than I thought.
• I lean on others for support, and I am lovingly supported.
• I find something for which to be grateful every day.
• I am loving, intelligent, and creative, and I make positive changes in my life.
• I am a survivor and healed warrior. 
• I deserve good things in life.
• My relationships are respectful and peaceful.
• I release old habits and practice new ones.
• I am connected with my authentic self.
• I express myself confidently.
• I hear my intuition and inner wisdom, and I listen.
• I am well and worthy. 
• I know and trust my own mind.
• My boundaries are a form of self-love.
• Only I can determine my self-worth.

To Heal Betrayal Wounds (Affirmations to help deal with narcissistic dishonesty and lies)

• I use my voice, and I am heard.
• I let go of the need for others to validate me.
• Only I can determine my self-worth.
• I listen when my heart talks to me.
• I reaffirm for myself that I am on the right path.
• I happily focus on the present moment, feeling empowered.
• I focus on what I can control, and I release the rest.
• I lean on others for support, and I am lovingly supported.
• I value myself.
• I rely on my higher power for strength and guidance.
• I easily dial-up my confidence anytime I want.
• I acknowledge the things that I like about myself and add to that list regularly.
• I am resilient.
• I am unaffected by other’s negativity.
• I see the good things in myself.
• When I feel overwhelmed, I choose healthy ways to cope.
• I am intelligent and use my mind to make my life better.
• I am a caring person, and people care about me.
• I have strong intuition, and I trust it even if I don’t like what it tells me.
• When I see red flags occurring in people or relationships, I pay attention to them and respond accordingly.
• I ask for clarification when I am confused.

To Heal Shame (Affirmations to help deal with feeling ashamed)

• I am worthy of love, happiness, and fulfillment.
• Only I can determine my self-worth.
• I have everything I need to be successful.
• I am strong and resilient.
• I am complete and whole.
• I embrace change. I am the author of my story.
• I embrace my new life even when it makes others uncomfortable.
• I hear, affirm, comfort, and validate my inner child.
• I allow without judgment.
• I focus on what I can control, and I release the rest.
• Everything is working for my highest good.
• I belong. I know that I am safe.
• I have everything I need. I am safe. I am loved.
• I feel safe wherever I am.
• I give my time and energy to those who deserve it.

Tools for Healing:

Learn why what you tell yourself matters

Learn how to protect yourself with boundaries 

Learn about the narcissistic abuse cycle

Learn about dysfunctional family roles

More Resources You May Like:

I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self

A Workbook and Journal

How to write the highest vibrating, most powerful affirmations to manifest love, positivity, peace, self-confidence, motivation, success, and other wonderful things

Sold worldwide in any bookstore.

Quick links:

Barnes and Noble

Amazon

Walmart

Author Site

Join the Free Email Survival Course:

Weekly lessons, strategies, and homework to start you moving forward

from the effects of hurtful or toxic relationships, dysfunctional thinkers, and Lemon Moms.

Private Facebook group included for members only.

There’s an app for that!

Get THE TOOLBOX APP

for instant information, support, and validation!

The Lemon Moms Series:

B&N

Kindle

Audible

Amazon

Nook

Google

Apple

Available formats: eBook, audiobook, hardcover, paperback, and large print too!

Get the TOOLBOX articles twice monthly to your inbox!

About the Author

As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping skills and healing strategies for herself. She happily shares those with others who want to learn and grow. 

Her Lemon Moms series and other books and articles are a combination of her education, knowledge, personal growth, and insight from her childhood experiences and subsequent recovery work.

Diane holds a Master of Science degree in Information Technology and a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology. She’s worked in numerous fields, including domestic violence and abuse, and is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer about family dysfunction. On The Toolbox, she writes about recovery strategies from hurtful people and painful, dysfunctional, or toxic relationships. She has authored four transformational books about healing and moving forward from narcissistic Victim Syndrome.

Visit her author’s site here: DianeMetcalf.com

Learn about the Lemon Moms series here: Lemon Moms

This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.