A lot of us do. Journaling is a great way to work through our problems, express emotions, and get our thoughts OUT and onto paper. It’s a terrific way to affirm, pay attention to, and really “hear” ourselves. If you’ve ever journaled and felt the sense of clarity or peace that comes from collecting your thoughts and expressing them in writing, maybe it’s time to try “expressive writing.”
Expressive writing is a bit different from just writing thoughts and activities in a journal. It is used as a way to deal with old or new traumatic events or memories. When using expressive writing, it is necessary to reflect on a specific challenge, traumatic experience, or memory in order to discover new meaning in the event.
Benefits of expressive writing
According to researcher Dr. James Pennebaker, a psychology professor at the University of Austin, Texas, people who use expressive writing to journal have improved mental and physical health.
Dr. Pennebaker pioneered a study of expressive writing as a coping mechanism for trauma. His, and hundreds of other studies have verified the benefits achieved by people suffering from PTSD, cancer, depression, and various other mental and physical ailments. This journaling technique was found to strengthen the immune system, reduce pain and inflammation, lower infection rate from colds or flu, and decrease depression symptoms. It can also improve memory, sleep quantity and quality, and attitude. It’s clear that there are many benefits associated with expressive writing!
How it works
Using expressive writing allows the writer to recognize a painful or traumatic experience and describe it as a problem to be solved. Doing this allows the writer to identify a particular problem and organize their thoughts and feelings, using written language to create the narrative. This process helps break the rumination cycle, which, in my experience, helps decrease or eliminate cognitive dissonance. Research shows that labeling our emotions actually calms the limbic system and the fight or flight response. (Look up “name it and tame it.”) The prefrontal cortex, which is in charge of executive functions, regains control, and a deeper meaning and understanding can be created around the memory or traumatic event. This leads the writer to feel a new sense of control and personal power regarding the traumatic event. The more we do this this type of journaling, the easier it gets.
When people become more comfortable thinking about and remembering a traumatic event, they are more able to share their feelings with others. Expressive writing may indirectly lead writers to seek emotional support, thereby accelerating the healing process.
As demonstrated in a 2006 study published in the Journal of Psychological Science, expressive writing can also improve relationships. The study found that when one partner wrote about their relationship in detail, both partners began using more positive language when texting each other. The relationship also lasted longer.
Don’t like to write?
If you don’t like journaling, you can still use expressive writing. Recording your thoughts has been shown to work just as well.
To use the technique, write without judgment, self-editing, or correcting spelling or grammatical mistakes. Just write it as you think or feel it. Write for 15 to 20 minutes for at least three consecutive days. Deep dive into your thoughts and feelings and write about them in detail when you do this.
I’m a big fan of journaling using expressive writing. I wrote the “Lemon Moms Companion Workbook” to supply the necessary prompts, questions and challenges to help you use expressive writing as one of your healing tools.
Conscious awareness: Be aware and make conscious choices before acting. Self-awareness releases us from making impulsive and potentially damaging decisions. Practice mindfulness.
Lemon Moms: Resources to guide you in healing from childhood trauma, abuse or neglect. Available on Amazon and wherever books are sold. (Kindle, Audiobook and paperback format.)
As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf has developed strong coping skills and healing strategies. She happily shares those insights with others who want to learn and recover.
Her books and articles are the results of her education, knowledge, and personal insight regarding her own abusive experiences and subsequent recovery work. She is no longer a practicing Social Worker, Counselor, Program Manager or Advocate, nor is she or has she ever been a licensed psychologist.
Diane is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer on the topics of domestic violence, abuse, and family dysfunction. Currently, she writes about toxic relationships and recovery tools. Diane holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and has worked in numerous fields, including domestic violence and abuse. She also holds a Master of Science degree in Information Technology.
Currently, Diane runs her own website design company, Image and Aspect, and writes articles and tutorials for Tips and Snips, her inspirational blog for creative people. She continues to learn and write about Emotional Healing.
This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.
Developing superpowers as a result of growing up with a toxic person
Have you ever thought about how someone’s toxicity has affected you?
I have. If you have too, you might’ve first realized all of the negative ways your life was impacted by someone else’s untreated issues, faulty perceptions, or negativity.
But what if you turned those around and gave them a positive spin?
This list was compiled from responses given in a support-group for Scapegoat Adult Children of Narcissists. They were asked the question: What superpowers have you developed because you lived with a toxic person?
Here are some of the responses these incredible people provided. I hope this list gives you a new sense of personal power and helps you recognize more of what makes you awesome!
Claim your superpowers
Dark sense of humor
Able to sense toxic people
Able to detect mental illness or something mentally wrong with a person
Able to easily read body language
Able to sense danger
Fierce independence
Resourcefulness
Resilience
Psychoanalyzes everyone
Strong intuition
Self-sufficiency
Good at pretending to be asleep
Self mothering/nurturing
Anticipate multiple outcomes and prepared for almost anything
Content being alone
Able to tolerate high stress
Knows when something bad is going to happen
Feel other peoples energy
Feel calm in an emergency or crisis
Able to figure out complicated things
Nurturing
Patient
Able to read micro facial expressions
Able to detect changes in people’s energy
Can hone-in on certain sounds: keys, footsteps, voices, car engines
Move stealthily/silently
Become invisible/unnoticeable
Able to sneeze, cough and cry silently
Good at keeping other’s secrets
Empathic
Remember every detail of events and conversations because of former gaslighting
Great at dealing with angry people
Ability to sense a con-artist
Great at cleaning
Great at anything to do with image: interior designing, decorating, styling clothing, accessorizing
Great at detecting narcissists
Able to hide emotions
Able to detect untrustworthy people
Able to lie well if needed
Able to manipulate others if needed
Very discerning
Well organized
Ability to admit when wrong
Resourceful
Quick thinking
Ability to escape situations
Able to see other’s perspectives
Able to manage people
Ability to emotionally detach
Able to tune people out
Can switch emotions on and off
Adaptable to any surroundings
Able to dissect a situation in seconds
Able to diffuse arguments
Good emotional control
Cook well and able to make meals out of “nothing”
Outspoken
Great self-preservation skills
Super observant
Deep self-awareness
Able to save money for unforeseen trouble
Thrive under pressure
See the “red flags” (but don’t always follow through)
A problem solver
Perfectionistic
Successfully sneaky when needed
Have bionic ears
Diplomatic
Empathetic
Can get along with literally anyone
What superpowers do YOU have? If you send them to me at [email protected], I’ll add them to this list. (anonymously of course!)
Tools for healing:
Conscious awareness: Be aware and make conscious choices before acting. Self-awareness releases us from making impulsive and potentially damaging decisions.
Self-care: We can only choose to focus on and be responsible for ourselves, our own thoughts, actions, and behavior. The good news is that we can change ourselves with patience, persistence, and practice. We can take responsibility for getting our needs met, instead of waiting for someone to change or meet our needs for us. We are in control of ourselves and no one is responsible for us but us.
Lemon Moms: Resources to guide you in healing from childhood trauma, abuse or neglect. Available on Amazon and wherever books are sold. (Kindle, Audiobook and paperback format.)
Diane Metcalf is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer on the topics of domestic violence, abuse, and family dysfunction. Currently, she writes about toxic relationships and recovery tools. Diane holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and has worked in numerous fields, including domestic violence and abuse. She holds a Master of Science degree in Information Technology.
As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, she has developed strong coping skills and healing strategies. She happily shares those insights with others who want to learn and recover.
Her books and articles are the results of her education, knowledge, and personal insight regarding her own abusive experiences and subsequent recovery work. She is no longer a practicing Social Worker, Counselor, Program Manager or Advocate, nor is she or has she ever been a licensed psychologist.
Currently, Diane runs her own website design company, Image and Aspect, and writes articles and tutorials for Tips and Snips, her inspirational blog for creative people. She continues to learn and write about Emotional Healing.
This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a
substitute for professional therapy.
To fully
understand how neglectful or traumatic experiences affect human beings, we need
to understand some things about our brains.
The key player is the limbic system, which is an intricate network of structures located in the brain beneath the cerebral cortex (the brain’s outer layer, composed of folded gray matter, which plays a vital role in consciousness). Composed of four main parts, the hypothalamus, the amygdala, the thalamus, and the hippocampus—the system controls our basic emotions (fear, pleasure, anger) and, as such, drives hunger, sex, and caring for children. It’s involved with instinct, mood, motivation, and emotional behavior.
The amygdala is a structure that’s part of this system. We
have two amygdalae, one on either side of our brains. It’s considered the
“emotional” brain because it’s highly involved with memory and the connected
emotional responses.
The amygdala’s job is to convert and move information out of short-term memory into long-term memory and to connect emotions to these memories (Krause-Utz et al. 2017).
Fight or Flight
Whenever we experience any traumatic episode, a hormone
called adrenalin is released from our adrenal glands. This action causes a
memory of the trauma to be created in our amygdala. The memory is not stored
linearly like a story. Instead, it’s saved according to how our five senses
experienced the trauma as it happened. So, the traumatic memories are stored as bits of visual images, smells,
sounds, tastes, or physical contact. The
amygdala then gives meaning and a particular degree of emotional intensity to
this event.
If the amygdala is continually on high alert, overstimulated from adrenalin from a real or a perceived threat, our emotions won’t become self-regulated like they’re supposed to. When emotions aren’t self-regulated, we continue to respond to old, buried memories with an automatic, knee-jerk behavior called “triggering.” Triggering is caused when the brain has lost the ability to distinguish between something that is a threat and something that’s not. The amygdala misinterprets input from our senses, eyes, ears, nose, mouth, and/or skin, as being dangerous or threatening, even when it’s not.
And if we
continually live in this high-alert, fight or flight survival mode, we’ll
likely begin using coping methods that aren’t good for us. We may lie, depend
on drugs, overeat, steal, or do whatever it takes to help us cope with the
unmanageable stress.
Another
essential structure within the limbic system is the horseshoe-shaped
hippocampus.
The
hippocampus also plays a role in moving information from short-term to
long-term memory, but its job is cataloging memories for eventual storage and
retrieval and developing new memories about past
experiences.
The
hippocampus is in charge of remembering locations for objects and people. When
we remember that we left our keys on the kitchen counter, we’re using our
hippocampus. We use the hippocampus for spatial memory, navigating, and
orientation. Without it, we wouldn’t remember where the kitchen counter is or
how to get there from where we are in relation. This is critical information
about our surroundings, and we rely on it to find our way around.
The
hippocampus continues to be the focus of research regarding cognition (understanding through thought, experience, and senses)
and memory-retention in post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) (Kolassa and Elbert 2007).
Differences between PTSD and C-PTSD
Complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD) results from a series of trauma-causing events, or one prolonged event, whereas PTSD is usually related to a single traumatic event. This repeated exposure causes additional symptoms not experienced by people with PTSD. C-PTSD can be the result of narcissistic abuse because our very being, who we are at our core, is continually attacked or threatened when we’re in a relationship with a narcissist. Common symptoms of C-PTSD are flashbacks, panic attacks, nightmares, excessive startle reaction, and habitually thinking about the traumatic event (McClelland and Gilyard 2008).
Children who experience neglect or ongoing traumatic abuse are at risk for developing complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD), depression, self-harming behaviors, and conditions likeanxiety, conduct, attachment, eating, substance use, and other disorders. When these children become adults, they’ll be at risk for revictimization, and physical illnesses like diabetes, heart disease, and immunological disorders. Research shows that women who’ve endured childhood abuse-related PTSD may also have altered brain structures, and their cognitive functioning may also be impaired as compared with women who were abused but not diagnosed with PTSD or women with no history of abuse. Abuse-related PTSD is associated with a reduced ability to focus and categorize information. When the attention and memory encoding activities of the limbic system are suspended due to real or perceived threats, verbal language ability may also become impaired (Ford 2017).
We learn
our value as people as well as how to develop healthy, supportive relationships
by interacting with our primary caretakers and family members. Kids who’ve been
neglected or abused by a caretaker find it challenging to form a healthy
attachment to them. If our caretaker was emotionally unstable, neglectful, or
abusive, we might have learned that we can’t trust or depend on others to meet
our needs. Studies indicate that children are more susceptible to stress and its
related illnesses when they’re unable to create a healthy attachment to their
caretaker. They may have difficulty interacting with authority figures like
teachers and other adults. They struggle with managing and expressing their
emotions, and they may react inappropriately or even aggressively in specific
settings. Later in life, they may have difficulty sustaining romantic
relationships and friendships.
Those of
us who have experienced maternal narcissistic abuse may eventually find
ourselves in an abusive, toxic, or less-than-satisfying adult relationship.
It’s not
hard to see why. It makes sense: this person’s behavior and way of
relating to us seem familiar, and we already know our role and what’s expected
of us in the relationship.
Lemon Moms: Resources to guide you in healing from childhood trauma, abuse or neglect. Available on Amazon and wherever books are sold. (Kindle, Audiobook and paperback format.)
Diane Metcalf earned her Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology in 1982 and a
Master of Science in Information Technology in 2013.
She has held Social Worker, Counselor and Managerial Positions in the fields of Domestic Violence and Abuse, Geriatric Healthcare, Developmental Disabilities, and Reproductive Health. She is an experienced Advocate and Speaker on the topics of Domestic Violence and Abuse and has been a guest on Lockport Community Television (LCTV), sharing her knowledge and experience regarding Domestic Abuse with the local community. In addition, she experienced Maternal Narcissistic Abuse and has been involved in other toxic relationships. She purposefully learned (and continues to learn) appropriate coping skills and strategies to live happily. She shares those insights here.
Her books and articles are the results of her education, knowledge, and personal insight regarding her own abusive experiences and subsequent recovery work. She is no longer a practicing Social Worker, Counselor, Program Manager or Advocate, nor is she or has she ever been a licensed psychologist.
Currently, Diane runs her own website design company, Image and Aspect, and writes articles and tutorials for Tips and Snips, her inspirational blog for creative people. She continues to learn and write about Emotional Healing.
This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a
substitute for professional therapy.
When I first heard the term “loving detachment” I thought I understood what it meant. I was already familiar with the concept of detaching and I knew how to detach when I needed to.
But what I didn’t understand was that there are different styles of detaching. The style I used was actually not a form of loving detachment. I had a lot to learn.
The concept of detaching with love
When we let go, we’re affirming that a person has the right to:
make their own choices and mistakes.
learn their own unique life-lessons.
experience their own hard-earned personal growth.
I wasn’t able to lovingly detach until I learned about codependent behavior and setting healthy boundaries. Even after becoming familiar with it, exercising loving detachment was anxiety-provoking because it was outside my comfort zone. So I decided that to get comfortable with it, I would take any appropriate opportunity to lovingly detach when one presented itself.
Working on self-care isn’t important when we’re codependent, but eventually, I became comfortable with using loving detachment as a form of my own self-care.
Paradigm Shift
When we establish healthy practices (such as boundary setting) in our daily lives, we begin developing healthy new perspectives and attitudes. We start feeling a little differently about ourselves and others. We may see ourselves as autonomous individuals for the very first time. We may see separateness and uniqueness as positive and valuable attributes. We start recognizing our personal strengths and using our personal power. We tentatively believe that we’re not responsible for other peoples feelings or for fixing their problems. We learn that we have our own needs and that our lives matter. We acknowledge that isolation isn’t good for us and that “connection” requires proactive behavior, like reaching out. We start trusting and become more willing to be let ourselves be vulnerable. We begin taking emotional risks and sharing our private stories.
If you’re familiar with The Toolbox blog, or if you’ve been actively engaged in personal growth, recovery or healing work, then you’re already familiar with concepts like codependency, boundaries, isolation, self-care, mind-reading, and expectations.
And all of those bring us to the concept of “Loving Detachment.”
“Detachment” sounds negative, doesn’t it? And how can detaching from a person possibly be a “loving” thing? If you’re confused, don’t worry. I was too.
Let me start by telling you what loving detachment is not.
Loving detachment isn’t mean, harsh or selfish. It’s not an “either/or” mentality; it’s not yes we’re doing it today and no we’re not doing it tomorrow. It’s not something that we turn on and off. It’s a way of “being.”
It isn’t aggressive, rather it’s compassionate
and kind.
Loving detachment is a type of
healthy boundary.
Detachment Styles
The kinds of detachment I’ve outlined here are taken directly from conversations I’ve had and from my own experiences. I’m sure there are types of detachment that I haven’t experienced and that I don’t know about, so this is not an exhaustive list. If you have experience with a detachment style that I haven’t mentioned, I’d love to hear from you about your experience.
There are several theories out there about various detachment-styles, but I’m not going to use those here.
Instead, let’s see if we’ve used any of the following four detachment styles with our qualifying person.
Numbing detachment
When we numb ourselves to avoid feeling pain, we usually do it by using something to assist us in “shutting down” emotionally. “Numbing” includes “escapism” and using avoidance-behaviors. Numbing-out involves distracting ourselves with activities like cleaning, reading, social media, binge-watching TV, or immersing ourselves in church, school, eating, drinking, shopping, or community service.
None of these activities are wrong or hurtful, yet they can be used maladaptively. When we use numbing behaviors we’re not intentionally trying to be mean or hurtful, but it can happen. Numbing-out is all about protecting ourselves but if we’re not careful, it could hurt others.
Pretty much any activity can be used to distract, escape, avoid and numb. When we want to immerse ourselves in an activity, let’s remember to take a look at our motives and see if we’re actually avoiding or numbing. Is the activity a way for us to evade a person, painful circumstance or memory?
Angry detachment
First of all, it’s important to understand that anger is a secondary emotion. There’s always a primary emotion felt before anger is felt, and that first emotion triggers the anger. It’s so fleeting that oftentimes we don’t even notice that first emotion. For example, if I suddenly become angry at someone because I feel they disrespected me, more than likely the anger I feel was triggered by a primary feeling of unimportance. The feeling of unimportance is the emotional “trigger.”
So angry detachment is a reaction to a trigger. When we detach in anger, we often feel like saying something nasty or hurtful, or we feel like doing something destructive or vengeful. Sometimes we actually take those actions rather than just feel them.
Angry detaching feels like an attempt to control. It feels like it’s the “last straw”. It’s when we realize that our former attempts at controlling or manipulating aren’t working.
It has a punishing vibe to it. “We’ll show THEM!” Outwardly we give the appearance of being emotionally detached because we make ourselves unavailable; we physically or emotionally “walk away”, we don’t take their calls or respond to texts. We may even actively ignore the person when they’re nearby.
But inwardly we continue worrying, thinking, and obsessing about them or their behavior. We know what’s going on in their lives because we talk to others who know them or we stalk social media. We haven’t really detached. We’re punishing and manipulating them with our anger and silence, but because we’re not interacting with them, it feels like detachment.
Apathetic detachment
Apathy (or indifference) involves suppressing all feelings of interest or concern, and it takes the idea of detachment to an extreme. When we’ve detached with apathy, we no longer acknowledge the person at all. It’s as if they don’t exist! We couldn’t care less about them and we don’t want to hear about or have anything to do with them.
A therapist friend once asked me “what is the opposite of love?” and I
responded “hate.” He replied “most people
would agree with you, but no. The opposite of love is indifference.” Mic drop.
Boom.
Using apathy or indifference as a way of detaching is maladaptive and it can cause irreparable damage to a relationship. In fact, the degree to which indifference exists in a marriage can accurately predict the probability of divorce.
Loving detachment
When we emotionally distance ourselves from a situation and it’s consequences with the understanding that the person is entitled to make their own choices and deal with the consequences, we’re lovingly detaching. With loving detachment, we take the focus off them and put it on ourselves. We feel compassion for the person but we focus on ourselves and we feel at peace about whatever happens next.
Loving detachment is judgment-free and it allows us to intellectually, emotionally and compassionately separate the person from their behavior. It means that we understand that the person and the behavior are two separate things. We can choose to love the person and feel compassion for them while simultaneously despising their behavior. We emotionally or physically distance ourselves from their behavior not to punish or control them, but as a demonstration of self-care.
As with boundary-setting, there is no need to discuss your intent to detach or to get permission, and they do not need to agree to it. Sharing your intent to detach with them may remove punitive overtones and it’s a respectful thing to do, but it’s not necessary. Whether you inform or not is up to you. But if you choose to inform, remember that it’s just that: information. It’s not a threat or an ultimatum issued as an attempt to gain control. Remember to check your motives when informing your person about your intent to detach.
Why Me?
You may be asking “But why do I need to be the one to do all this work? Why can’t THEY just change or shape-up or get-their-act-together?” Well, that would be great if it happened, wouldn’t it? If they would just change their behavior and do what we want or expect, our lives would be so much nicer, right?
But, as we’ve probably figured out,
that’s not the way it works.
We can’t control other people. The way their behavior affects us isn’t about THEM, it’s about ourselves. Take a pause to think about that for a minute. This is about us. It’s about controlling our own choices.
When I feel the need to detach, I find it helpful to accept and validate myself first, including my thoughts and my feelings. Then I commit to maintaining my focus and productivity by concentrating on only myself and my life. Doing these puts me in the right frame of mind to lovingly detach. There’s no anger, no fear, no need to go numb or to become indifferent. It’s like what my teacher-friends say to their students: “Keep your eyes on your own paper.” I commit to keeping my eyes on my own needs, my own life, focusing on my own work. Easy-peasy. I can do this.
When we view it from this perspective, it’s clear that loving detachment is not “running away.” Loving detachment is more like “running towards”. When we use loving detachment we are running toourselves.
We are separate andwhole
Lovingly detaching reminds us that we’re separate people in our own right, with our own likes, needs, feelings, desires, and goals and that we have choices and consequences of our own. It reminds us that we’re not responsible for fixing another person’s feelings or problems.
In each of the above detachment scenarios, the end result is always the same for us: we emotionally or physically “walk away”; we remove ourselves from the situation.
The difference between these scenarios is how we feel after we walk. Of the four, loving detachment is the only one that leaves us at peace, no matter what the other person is feeling, doing, or what happens next.
Detaching this way allows us to drop our need to control the outcome. Shifting the attention to our own lives allows us to focus on our needs, wants, feelings and goals while providing that same opportunity to the other person. (See codependency)
Respond rather than react. (Homework: look up the difference and try responding instead of reacting the next time you have the opportunity. See how it feels)
Practice “Live and let live” and “Not my circus not my clowns.” We can allow others the dignity of making their own (good or bad) decisions and then let them experience the consequences of their choices. When we mind our own business, we are free from the responsibility of rescuing other people.
How important is this really? A shift in our perspective can help us determine what’s most valuable to us so we don’t get upset over things that aren’t as important.
Don’t play the game. Drop your end of the tug-of-war rope. There’s no tug-of-war if there isn’t someone pulling on each end.
Use your voice. Say what you mean and mean what you say.
Know when something is your responsibility & when it’s not. Say it nicely, say it with firmness. “No, I’m sorry I can’t do that” or “No, that’s actually something you should be doing for yourself”
Remind yourself that you’re worthy of being fair to yourself.
Remember- “I’m in control of me”. We can choose to focus on and be responsible for ourselves, our thoughts, actions, and behavior. We can change ourselves with patience, persistence, and practice. We can take responsibility for getting our needs met, instead of waiting for someone to change or to meet our needs for us. We are in control of ourselves and no one is responsible for us but us.
Remember: “We don’t have to attend every argument to which we’re invited.”
Lemon Moms: Resources to guide you in healing from childhood trauma, abuse or neglect. Available on Amazon and wherever books are sold. (Kindle, Audiobook and paperback format.)
Diane Metcalf earned her Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology in 1982 and a
Master of Science in Information Technology in 2013.
She has held Social Worker, Counselor and Managerial Positions in the fields of Domestic Violence and Abuse, Geriatric Healthcare, Developmental Disabilities, and Reproductive Health. She is an experienced Advocate and Speaker on the topics of Domestic Violence and Abuse and has been a guest on Lockport Community Television (LCTV), sharing her knowledge and experience regarding Domestic Abuse with the local community. In addition, she experienced Maternal Narcissistic Abuse and has been involved in other toxic relationships. She purposefully learned (and continues to learn) appropriate coping skills and strategies to live happily. She shares those insights here.
Her books and articles are the results of her education, knowledge, and personal insight regarding her own abusive experiences and subsequent recovery work. She is no longer a practicing Social Worker, Counselor, Program Manager or Advocate, nor is she or has she ever been a licensed psychologist.
Currently, Diane runs her own website design company, Image and Aspect, and writes articles and tutorials for Tips and Snips, her inspirational blog for creative people. She continues to learn and write about Emotional Healing.
This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a
substitute for professional therapy.
When we don’t have boundaries, we often deny our own feelings, or do things we know we shouldn’t, or don’t want to do, just to gain someone’s approval or acceptance. Afterwards, we’ll often feel taken advantage of, used, resentful, and basically not very good about ourselves. Then we might further beat ourselves up for not having a backbone. Or for not being “stronger.”
But we need some boundaries in place to protect ourselves from living in a cycle of regret or feeling resentful or used. Setting boundaries can do this, but it can definitely feel scary to consider, because sometimes the stakes are high. That fear, along with those high stakes, might keep us stuck in the cycle.
Setting boundaries helps bring an end our people-pleasing behavior. Maybe for the first time, we’re willing to accept the many ways, good and not so good, that people might respond to this. I believe that setting boundaries is the first step in healing codependency. Setting boundaries is a courageous act of faith in yourself. It takes courage to say “No, I won’t ______________ anymore.”
“No” is a boundary. “No” is a choice. Saying “no I won’t do that” or “I will no longer tolerate ___________” is a way to honor our true feelings.
Saying yes to something when we want to say no can make us feel resentful, used, angry. When we’re co-dependent, we often say “yes” when we want to say “no”, or we say “no” when we really want to say “yes.” But why do we do this? I think it’s because we’re afraid. We’re afraid we’ll need to justify saying no or have to explain why we’re saying it. But really, an explanation is not required. It’s actually enough to just say “no.”
“No” is a complete sentence.
We want to be liked and needed and we’re afraid of losing that. Sometimes we say yes instead of no because we depend on others for a sense of approval or for a sense of identity. We don’t want to lose that. Sometimes we need or want validation. Sometimes we depend on external validation because we haven’t learned to validate ourselves yet. (That’s a discussion for another time.)
We can say “no” with love & compassion. It doesn’t have to be mean.
“No” is a very clear choice. It’s not negative. It’s an affirmation of our integrity and beliefs.
It’s important when we’re healing to start saying what we mean and meaning what we say. Your “yes” is stronger and more meaningful if you say “no” now and then.
We are in control of where to draw the line & how to articulate where we stand. Doing this empowers us.
Why it’s important to have personal boundaries
I’ve read that it’s far better to use an “assertive no” rather than a “submissive yes.” Think about that.
We lose a part of ourselves when we say yes but want to say no and when we say no but want to say yes. We are people-pleasing then, and we’re not saying what we mean and meaning what we say. We lose our integrity. It’s too high a price to pay. Be true to yourself and say what you mean. Setting boundaries is a method of showing our integrity. Healthy boundaries help us set limits that protect and empower us.
Boundaries pertain to “me” and my behavior, rather than to others. They are under my control. I base my personal boundaries on “what I need” to maintain my personal safety, emotional stability, and mental health.
Boundaries are not intended to be a way to control others. They’re not meant to change another person’s behavior. They’re a way to have personal limits for ourselves. They’re not emotional, they’re facts.
Boundaries protect us from another’s destructive behavior or from engaging in activities that we don’t want to be involved in. Setting healthy boundaries is a form of self-care and self-empowerment.
WE get to determine what’s acceptable to us and what’s not.
Boundaries are not a “do this or else” kind of statement. They are not a threat regarding someone else’s behavior. Enforcing a boundary is not meant to be a way to manipulate or control others. Rather, a boundary is where we “draw the line.” It means you’ve thought about which of their behaviors are acceptable to you and which ones are not.
How to set healthy boundaries
Setting a boundary requires four things:
Acknowledging that you have a specific physical or emotional need that will help you feel happy, safe, healthy, loved, understood, etc.
Acknowledging someone’s behavior that’s directly related to or challenges this need. (This is going to be the boundary.)
Setting consequences. This is the action you will take when the boundary is broken. When that line is crossed you will need to know ahead of time what you’ll do and be prepared to do it.
Possibly informing about the new boundary by stating the above three items. Informing is a choice that you do not have to take. More about that below.
A word about consequences
The consequence (the action that you take) is taken by you to protect yourself or to take you out of a situation.
By following through with the consequence, you’ll be letting the situation play out without you. This is because setting a boundary means we will no longer engage with unacceptable behavior. We choose to lay down our end of the tug-of-war rope and we do something else. What the other person does next is their choice. And the consequences of that choice are theirs too.
We follow through with our stated consequences, understanding that we have no control over what happens next after we take ourselves out of the situation. AND we accept that no matter what happens, we’ll be OK and we won’t step back in to take control. This is the really scary part, because OF COURSE what happens next could affect you.
This fear can make us want to give up the idea of setting boundaries and just remain co-dependent.
The benefits of setting boundaries
To me, having personal boundaries is another form of exercising something called “loving detachment“: meaning that I’m staying in my own personal space regardless of what’s going on around me. I’m not trying to control others and I’m not taking responsibility for their choices. By setting boundaries, I’m consciously and lovingly letting others deal with the consequences of their choices, even if it’s uncomfortable for them. Even if it costs them money, relationships or jobs. There’s definitely a degree of “tough love” involved in setting and enforcing boundaries.
Boundaries are not something that you negotiate about with anyone. No one can determine your boundaries but you, simply because they’re part of your self-care! No one knows what’s best for you more than you do. You don’t need someone’s permission to set a boundary and you don’t need them to approve of it, allow it or agree to it. BOUNDARIES ARE NOT ABOUT ANYONE BUT YOU. THEY ARE TO TAKE CARE OF YOU.
It’s about choices
Boundaries are not threats or ultimatums:
For example:
“You’d better not do —— ever again or else!”
Instead, a healthy boundary would be more like:
“If you choose to do that then I’ll do this_____. “
It’s about giving someone choices for their behavior rather than taking choices away from them. If your boundary leaves someone with the ability to choose, then it’s probably a healthy boundary. If your boundary takes away their choices except for one, then it’s probably more of an ultimatum or a threat, not a boundary. Keep in mind that the choices you’re leaving them include the THING that you don’t want them to do. The thing that means you’ll enforce the consequences. That’s OK. Just be aware that they may test you to see if you’re serious. Always follow through with the consequences.
To set healthy boundaries, you must understand where you end and others begin. It’s also necessary to have healthy self-worth and self-confidence or to at least be actively engaged in improving those.
Acknowledge what you need
Start
by asking yourself:
What
do I need, separately, from other people?
This one can be tough. Take the time to explore this over a period of time. Do you need to get to bed earlier than your partner? Do you need quiet time for whatever reason away from your kids every day? Do you need a particular medication or supplement? Do you need to eat or not eat certain things? Does something that a person does or says make you uncomfortable? Does their behavior make you feel emotionally or physically unsafe? Do they regularly disrespect you or say things that are hurtful? Think about people or situations that you would avoid if you could and ask yourself why. If you could change anything, what would it be? Ask yourself: what’s my motivation for setting this boundary? I’m guessing that your answer is something along the lines of “I want him to stop doing ______” or “I want her to stop treating me like ________.”
OK. That’s great. Now, because we can’t control other peoples thoughts or behavior, we have to reframe this a bit.
Examples of Healthy Boundaries
We can’t make him stop doing _______ and we can’t make her treat you differently. So what CAN we do? We can change what happens if and when they do those things. We can change the outcome for ourselves. We don’t have to stand there and accept unacceptable behavior. This is self-care.
For example,
NEED: I need to feel safe.
The RELATED BEHAVIOR: I don’t feel safe when he _______.
Reality: I can’t control whether he does ________ or not, but I can control ME. So, an appropriate boundary could be something like this:
BOUNDARY: If he does _______,
CONSEQUENCE: then I will do this:
1. Walk
away
2.
Go to a different room
3. Hang
up
4. Call someone
5. Leave
6. Take a taxi
7. etc.
If you want to INFORM him: Say something like: “I need to feel safe when I’m with you. I don’t feel safe when you drink and drive. If you drink and choose to drive (boundary) I will call an Uber for myself. (consequence)
Another example:
WANT: I want to maintain my positive feelings about my sisters
The RELATED BEHAVIOR: When mother starts talking negatively about my sisters….
CONSEQUENCE: then I will do this:
Change the subject
End the conversation and hang up
If you want to INFORM her: Say something like: “I need to feel good about my relationship with my sisters. I don’t like hearing negative, critical and judgemental things about them. If you talk smack about my girls (boundary) I will change the subject or end our conversation (consequence).
Do you see the difference between simply putting up an emotional wall/avoiding certain people/trying to control another’s behavior, and setting a boundary to take care of yourself? Think about the difference. It’s huge.
After
you’ve developed a boundary, ask yourself:
Does
the boundary take care of me?
Am I trying to control the person’s behavior or am I trying to take care of myself? Is my “boundary” more of a threat or ultimatum?
A healthy boundary should give the other person the ability to make choices. If they are not left with any choice or have only one “choice”, then it’s not a healthy boundary.
To inform them or not
As shown above, the final step you may want to include after you’ve set a boundary, is to inform the people involved. You don’t have to inform, especially if you think doing so will make your boundary to be taken as a challenge. I would say “do not inform” if you think the person will break the boundary just to test you. Do not inform if you think it will provoke an argument or put you in danger. You will carry out your boundary and the consequences, and the person will learn that the boundary exists that way.
However, if you want to inform, you will choose the right time, and simply state your boundary and the consequences, that’s it. As uncomfortable as it might be to state and enforce a boundary, you may still want to do it as a way of expressing your expectations.
Informing others of your new boundaries can feel scary or intimidating. It doesn’t have to be a lengthy or painful conversation. In fact, I believe that “stating the facts” is all that’s required. You do not need to justify, answer questions or deal with drama. If a tug-of-war is offered, you are not required to engage. Drop your end of the tug-of-war rope and do something else.
Whether you inform or carry out the boundary and consequences without informing, the choice is up to you. I would suggest being very comfortable with the consequences, and know without a doubt that you can carry them out.
Putting it together: Needs, Boundary, Consequence
State your need.
State your boundary.
State the consequence.
Inform them or not
Setting boundaries can feel so scary that sometimes we avoid doing it. Start with just one and see how it goes. It takes practice to set boundaries, especially if we haven’t learned how to do it when we were children or if we’ve never seen healthy boundaries in action. Sometimes the boundaries we set, or their consequences, will need to be tweaked or adjusted so they work better. That’s absolutely OK! Just make sure that whatever your consequence is, that you will absolutely be able to carry it out. If we back down and don’t enforce our own boundaries, we can end up feeling defeated or resentful or weak. If we don’t enforce our own boundaries, we’re sending the message that we’re not serious! If you don’t feel you can carry out the consequence, you need to re-think the consequence and create a new one.
What to do when your boundaries are challenged or rejected
This can be tricky. Dealing with someone who’s challenging us or daring us to enforce our boundaries requires us to feel a high degree of self-worth, self-esteem, and self-confidence, or at least for us to be actively working on those things. We’ll need to be able to respond with something like “I understand that you don’t like this (boundary). It’s absolutely something I need and intend to do for myself.”
Sometimes people can be hurtful, critical or judgmental when we start setting and enforcing boundaries. They’re not used to it and they don’t like it. In the spirit of loving detachment, that’s all OK. They don’t have to like it. Whether they like it or not has nothing to do with you or taking care of yourself. So when someone challenges your boundary, remind yourself that you can do hard things. You do hard things every day and you’ve been doing hard things all your life. This is no different.
When they challenge the boundary, you re-state your want/need, the boundary and the consequence. If they go ahead and cross that line anyway, then you go ahead and carry out the consequences.
Tools:
Pause. Take time to think. Don’t respond right away. Say something like:”I’m going to need to think about that”, or “I’ll get back to you on that.”
Practice saying yes and no to real or imaginary questions.
Know when something is your responsibility & when it’s not. Say it nicely, say it with firmness. “No, that’s actually something you should be doing for yourself”.
Remind yourself that you’re worthy of setting that boundary and that you’re worthy of being fair to yourself.
Pay attention to the physical sensations in your body when you think about saying yes or no and then do the thing that honors your body.
What are some other things I can say when I don’t want to say yes but I’m uncomfortable saying no? Possible replies:
“ I appreciate you asking but no that’s not something I can do”.“
“No, I can’t do that but here’s what I can do”
“No, but is there something else I could do to help?”
“At this time in my life no, I’m sorry I can’t do it”
Lemon Moms: Resources to guide you in healing from childhood trauma, abuse or neglect. Available on Amazon and wherever books are sold. (Kindle, Audiobook and paperback format.)
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Diane Metcalf earned her Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology in 1982 and a
Master of Science in Information Technology in 2013.
She has held Social Worker, Counselor and Managerial Positions in the fields of Domestic Violence and Abuse, Geriatric Healthcare, Developmental Disabilities, and Reproductive Health. She is an experienced Advocate and Speaker on the topics of Domestic Violence and Abuse and has been a guest on Lockport Community Television (LCTV), sharing her knowledge and experience regarding Domestic Abuse with the local community. In addition, she experienced Maternal Narcissistic Abuse and has been involved in other toxic relationships. She purposefully learned (and continues to learn) appropriate coping skills and strategies to live happily. She shares those insights here.
Her books and articles are the results of her education, knowledge, and personal insight regarding her own abusive experiences and subsequent recovery work. She is no longer a practicing Social Worker, Counselor, Program Manager or Advocate, nor is she or has she ever been a licensed psychologist.
Currently, Diane runs her own website design company, Image and Aspect, and writes articles and tutorials for Tips and Snips, her inspirational blog for creative people. She continues to learn and write about Emotional Healing.
This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a
substitute for professional therapy.
Expectations pertain to “what I want” in terms of my behavior and other people’s behavior. They’re the “shoulds” ( I should…., you should, you need to…..) that we apply to ourselves and to others.
Expectations are totally under our control. Sometimes they’re realistic, but oftentimes they’re unrealistic and tied to our perceived value or worth as a person. When we have expectations of ourselves and others, we’re setting ourselves up for disappointment and probably resentment too.
Expectations vs. Resentments
I’ve heard it said that “expectations are premeditated resentments” and I agree. Any time our peace or happiness depends on another person’s behavior, we’re giving them the power to disappoint us and maybe even hurt us. So, how do we get rid of expectations?
Keeping expectations alive makes our peace and happiness inversely proportional to the number of expectations we hold. Think about that! Our peace and happiness are directly related to how many expectations we insist on keeping alive.
Mind reading
Having expectations for others without communicating about them with those others requires them to be skilled in MIND READING. We assume the people in our daily lives will “just know” what we want or need or expect at any given time. We assume that they know that we have expectations and that they already know what those are. We expect that people will automatically know what we want and we assume that they’ll automatically do those things. When they don’t know about our expectations and don’t do what we want them to, we get resentful. How ridiculous is that? How unfair to them!
Setting reasonable expectations
If we’re using words like “never” and “always” when we state our expectation, it could indicate an unreasonable expectation. Expectations that are unrealistically high can lead to resentment and low expectations can lead to disappointment. Sometimes we purposefully set low expectations hoping we’ll avoid disappointment. When expectations are unrealistic they’re often fear-based.
Sometimes we’re not sure whether our expectations are appropriate or not. It’s often a good idea to ask someone whose integrity you respect to see what they think about your expectations. Sometimes another perspective can be very helpful.
When we change our attitude about what we expect, it can change the whole interaction.
If we can practice being aware of our expectations, we’re less likely to be disappointed, angry, or resentful if they’re not met. When we grow up in a toxic environment, we may expect that “bad things” will always be part of our experience. We may become adults who expect the worst or who live in fear, making fear-based decisions. Taking a good hard and honest look at our expectations can help us see when we’re being unrealistic.
Here’s the thing: if we practice detaching from any outcome, then the fears, disappointments, and resentments will start to diminish.
We’re always changing, and keeping our expectations flexible is a healthy start.
Tools:
Examine our expectations. Are they realistic? How can we change that if they’re not?
How “important” is (fill-in-the-blank)? Is it worth sleepless nights? Is it worth anger, hurt feelings or resentment? How important is it really?
Let others be who they are.
Let go: detach. Let go of what people say or didn’t say, or did or didn’t do. Let go of the expectations. Let go of outcomes. “Not my circus, not my clowns”
Make the goal to be a process of progress. It’s not about perfection. Keywords: process and progress!
Learn about codependency and maladaptive coping skills
Self-care: We can only choose to focus on and be responsible for ourselves, our own thoughts, actions, and behavior. We can take responsibility for getting our needs met, instead of waiting for someone to change or meet our needs for us. We are in control of ourselves and no one is responsible for us but us. We can change ourselves with patience, persistence, and practice.
Conscious awareness: Be aware and make conscious choices before acting. Self-awareness releases us from making impulsive and potentially damaging decisions. Practice mindfulness.
Learn about letting go of what you can’t control, by using loving-detachment
Lemon Moms: Resources to guide you in healing from childhood trauma, abuse or neglect. Available on Amazon and wherever books are sold. (Kindle, Audiobook and paperback format.)
Diane Metcalf earned her Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology in 1982 and a Master of Science in Information Technology in 2013.
She has held Social Worker, Counselor and Managerial Positions in the fields of Domestic Violence and Abuse, Geriatric Healthcare, Developmental Disabilities, and Reproductive Health. She is an experienced Advocate and Speaker on the topics of Domestic Violence and Abuse and has been a guest on Lockport Community Television (LCTV), sharing her knowledge and experience regarding Domestic Abuse with the local community. In addition, she experienced Maternal Narcissistic Abuse and has been involved in other toxic relationships. She purposefully learned (and continues to learn) appropriate coping skills and strategies to live happily. She shares those insights here.
Her book and articles are the results of her education, knowledge, and personal insight regarding her own abusive experiences and subsequent recovery work. She is no longer a practicing Social Worker, Counselor, Program Manager or Advocate, nor is she or has she ever been a licensed psychologist.
Currently, Diane runs her own website design company, Image and Aspect, and writes articles and tutorials for Tips and Snips, her inspirational blog for creative people. She continues to learn and write about Emotional Healing.
This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.
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