What is gaslighting?
“Gaslighting” is an expression borrowed from the 1938 stage play Gaslight. In the story, a husband tries to drive his wife insane by dimming their home’s gas-powered lights. When his wife notices and comments, he denies that the home illumination has changed in any way. The scheme causes her to begin doubting her perception, judgment, and reality.
How do I know if I’m being gaslighted?
Gaslighting is done to cause a reaction. For a narcissist, when their target reacts, it’s a form of narcissistic supply. The narcissist remains calm and rational, which causes their target to feel insecure and irrational. When you’re being gaslighted, you don’t always know what’s happening, but you may intuitively feel that something isn’t right. You’re primarily confused, stressed, and frustrated, and you can’t figure out the reason. This gives a narcissist a huge amount of power and control. Gaslighting is emotional abuse in the form of mind games. When a narcissist uses this approach, they feel superior in their ability to control your beliefs, feelings, thoughts, and perceptions.
You’re likely being gaslighted if:
- Your narcissist uses your fears or insecurities against you. If you divulge any insecurities or personal worries, at some point, they will be used against you in some manner. Again, this allows the narcissist to feel superior to you and is a form of narcissistic supply.
- Your narcissist wants you to think they know you better than you know yourself. Sometimes, they may say they know what you’re thinking, and if you tell them they’re wrong, they’ll believe you’re lying. They may roll their eyes at you or make a disgusted face, even state that you’re lying. Narcissists simply cannot allow themselves to be wrong.
- Your narcissist has you do things for them that aren’t appropriate (or morally right or legal, etc.) and tells you that it’s OK.
- If you’re regularly told that something’s “normal” when you feel it isn’t, then you’re probably being gaslighted. For example, when a was a child, my mother frequently had me lie to other adults on her behalf. Usually, the lie was that she had a headache, or she didn’t feel well or wasn’t home. She expected this from me without question. Growing up this way, I believed doing this for my mother was normal. Later, in my teens, when I started to recognize that this wasn’t something all kids had to do, I refused to do it anymore. It felt wrong, and like I was being used. It also felt like she should, as the adult, speak to other adults directly. She made it clear that she was very disappointed with me for wanting her to be honest, or not to expect me to lie for her anymore.
- Your narcissist “diagnoses” you and tells you what’s wrong with you. You’re informed that you’re mentally ill, that you need help, or that you have “issues.” When a narcissist doesn’t get their way, they will insult you and question your judgment or your sanity. They may tell you that you need therapy or medication. This really isn’t about you, though. In fact, it has nothing to do with you; it’s all about their need to feel superior and control you and your relationship.
- Your narcissist rewrites history. They inform you that what you know to be accurate or real, is not accurate, real, correct or factual. Then will then tell you what is.
- Your narcissist tells you your memory is faulty. Narcissists recall or retell a shared memory very differently than you, which is OK since we all perceive differently. The problem here is that they will describe their behavior or reaction as rational, good, and righteous, but spin yours as irrational or shameful. In their version, they are always either the hero or the victim.
What does gaslighting do?
Gaslighting can have severe effects, especially when it’s ongoing. If you’re being gaslighted, you may begin lying to avoid stress, arguments, or to prevent your narcissist from becoming triggered, angry, or abusive.
A significant symptom of gaslighting is the constant feeling of confusion or being off-balance that I’ve mentioned. It’s one of our most challenging aspects of healing from gaslighting because we’ve learned to disregard our intuition, our sense of trust, our memories, our minds, and indeed our perception of anything! Because we may have learned to trust our narcissist’s interpretation of the world and rely on it instead of our own, we begin to doubt our reality and convince ourselves that their version of reality is correct. There’s a feeling of things not adding up; a feeling of confusion and disorientation much of the time we’re around them. I came to think of these discrepancies between my reality and my mother’s version as a flaw in myself. I drove myself crazy trying to figure out and make sense of the disparity between what I observed with my senses and what I was told that I observed. This kind of internal conflict is called cognitive dissonance.
You may get unexpected or inappropriate responses to common questions or actions, from your narcissist and your reactions may be determined to be incorrect or unreasonable. You may get strange “looks” that make you question your every move. Fearful for your mental health, you worry that you might be losing your mind. You may begin thinking that you’re the illogical one, or believe that you’re mentally ill. You likely feel confused by the things they say and do, but your observations are never validated.
How does being gaslighted feel?
You’ll even come to doubt your memory. This was a big one for me because my mother liked to overwrite my perceptions and memories with her own, I heard a lot of, “I never said that,” “You imagine things,” or “You dreamt it.” This was the attribute of gaslighting that harmed me the most. Continually being told that I perceived, and therefore remembered, events incorrectly had me in a continual state of self-doubt, confusion, and disorientation. It negatively impacted my ability to make decisions and to trust my judgment and perceptions.
This form of abuse leads to feeling depressed, anxious, helpless, hopeless, or exhausted. Life may begin to feel a bit surreal, you may feel like you’re invisible, or like you don’t actually exist. Your sense of reality may seem” fuzzy,” and you can’t think clearly. You probably have trouble problem-solving and making decisions because you doubt your judgment or your observations.
And while you’re struggling, your narcissist will continue to play mind games, twisting your perception.
Eventually, you may begin to depend on your narcissist to inform you of what’s “real” and what isn’t. You’ll rely on them to tell you what you’re thinking and what you remember, and they’ll correct any memory that doesn’t align with their own or makes them appear less than great. If the gaslighting is constant, your reality will begin to depend on your narcissist’s interpretation. You’ll eventually lose your sense of self, and when this happens, you’ve likely started to disassociate. You’re losing your self-identity and becoming the version of you that your narcissist believes you are.
Tools:
Conscious awareness: Be aware and make conscious choices before acting. Self-awareness releases us from making impulsive and potentially damaging decisions.
Self-care: We can only choose to focus on and be responsible for ourselves, our own thoughts, actions, and behavior. The good news is that we can change ourselves with patience, persistence, and practice. We can take responsibility for getting our needs met, instead of waiting for someone to change or meet our needs for us. We are in control of ourselves and no one is responsible for us but us.
Set boundaries
Understand the Abuse Cycle
Learn about codependency
Learn about letting go of what you can’t control, by using loving-detachment
Learn about expectations
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About the Author
As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping skills and healing strategies for herself. She happily shares those with others who want to learn and grow.
Her Lemon Moms series and other books and articles are a combination of her education, knowledge, personal growth, and insight from her childhood experiences and subsequent recovery work.
Diane holds a Master of Science degree in Information Technology and a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology. She’s worked in numerous fields, including domestic violence and abuse, and is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer about family dysfunction. On The Toolbox, she writes about recovery strategies from hurtful people and painful, dysfunctional, or toxic relationships. She has authored four transformational books about healing and moving forward from narcissistic Victim Syndrome.
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