What Are Expectations?​

Expectations are about “what I want” in terms of my and other people’s behavior. “Expectations” are another name for the “should’s” that we apply to ourselves and others. All of our expectations are under our control.

Sometimes our expectations are realistic, but often they’re not, and they may also be tied to our perceived value or worth as a person. 

Having expectations for others without communicating about them first is the same as expecting them to MIND READ. We may assume that people in our daily lives will “just know” what we want or need at any given time. If they know us, if they LOVE us, shouldn’t they JUST KNOW? We assume they know our expectations. Not only do we expect that people will automatically know what we want, but we assume that they’ll automatically do the things to meet our expectations too. When they don’t know the expectations and don’t meet them, we get resentful. How ridiculous is that? How fair is that to them?

When we grow up in a toxic environment, we may expect that “bad things” will always be part of our experience. We may become adults who expect the worst or live in fearfulness. Those are not healthy or pleasant expectations to hold. Instead, we can examine these expectations to see when we’re unrealistic, and if we change our attitudes about what to expect, it will change our life. If we practice awareness with our expectations, we’re less likely to be disappointed, angry, or resentful when they’re not met.

If we’re using words like “never” and “always” when we talk about our expectations, it indicates that it’s an unreasonable expectation. Having unrealistic or unreasonably high expectations can lead to resentment. When expectations are unrealistic, they’re often based on fear. Conversely, having low expectations can lead to disappointment. Sometimes we purposefully, and maybe unconsciously, set low expectations in hopes of avoiding disappointment.

Sometimes we’re not sure whether our expectations are appropriate. It can be a good idea to ask someone whose integrity you respect to see what they think. Sometimes another perspective can be very helpful.

Here’s the thing: if we practice detaching from outcomes, our fears and resentments begin diminishing.

We’re always changing, and our expectations need to be flexible and able to change too.

• Examine your expectations. Are they realistic? How do you know? How can you change that?
• How important is this expectation? Is it worth sleepless nights? Is it worth feeling anger, hurt feelings, or resentment? How important is it really?
• Let others be who they are. Notice how this feels. Is it pleasant? Why or why not?
• Let go; detach. Let go of what people say or didn’t say, or what they did or didn’t do. Let go of outcomes. Let go of the expectations.
• Make the goal a process of progress.
• Affirmation: “I focus on progress, not perfection.”
• Trust the process.

Here’s to all of our continued emotional growth and prosperity!

You may also like these resources:

Learn about the Cycle of Abuse

Learn about setting boundaries 

Learn about codependency and maladaptive coping skills

Self-care: We can only choose to focus on and be responsible for ourselves, our own thoughts, actions, and behavior. We can take responsibility for getting our needs met, instead of waiting for someone to change or meet our needs for us. We are in control of ourselves and no one is responsible for us but us. We can change ourselves with patience, persistence, and practice.

Conscious awareness:  Be aware and make conscious choices before acting. Self-awareness releases us from making impulsive and potentially damaging decisions. Practice mindfulness.

Learn about letting go of what you can’t control, by using loving-detachment

More Resources You May Like:

I AM: A Guided Journey to Your Authentic Self

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About the Author

As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, Diane Metcalf developed strong coping skills and healing strategies for herself. She happily shares those with others who want to learn and grow. 

Her Lemon Moms series and other books and articles are a combination of her education, knowledge, personal growth, and insight from her childhood experiences and subsequent recovery work.

Diane holds a Master of Science degree in Information Technology and a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology. She’s worked in numerous fields, including domestic violence and abuse, and is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer about family dysfunction. On The Toolbox, she writes about recovery strategies from hurtful people and painful, dysfunctional, or toxic relationships. She has authored four transformational books about healing and moving forward from narcissistic Victim Syndrome.

Visit her author’s site here: DianeMetcalf.com

Learn about the Lemon Moms series here: Lemon Moms

This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.